#i still struggle with taking up space

[velocitic]

sorry to be vulnerable on main. but i am thinking about how i used to buy clothes that were 2-4 sizes too small for me (bc of the Problems) and then when i got older i would always buy clothes that were 2-4 sizes too big on me (bc of the Problems in a different direction) and anyway. i have recently made the effort to buy clothes that are my size and fit me as i am and as they are intended to fit a person. and i'm hot now thank you and good night

#because for a long time (bc of the problems) i saw clothes as #a milestone marker or a challenge or a goal or a reward. you must lose X amount of weight to ride this ride #(the ride being. self acceptance etc.) so i would buy clothes too small w the caveat that i would simply change to fit them. #and Then when i was older and went through treatment. i started buying clothes way too big on me #bc of the problems but mostly bc i wanted to hide from the problems #& myself & other people & i felt i had somehow failed my years task of fitting smaller sizes #im almost 3x as heavy as i was when i thought i took up too much space to be loved #i still struggle with taking up space #but i buy clothes that are my size and i dont cringe away from it #or dwell on clothes i buy that i find out are too small #bc i still cannot deal w changing rooms. at all. and i simply do not buy things that make me feel bad anymore. and its as if suddenly #and without any warning. im actually very happy w my look. the issue was never with me #eating is still. hard a lot of the time. for a lot of reasons. but my clothes fit. and thats good. thats ok. they should do that #anyway i got a body harness with batwings on it and i got a lot of compliments on them and i had fun going out and i didnt #think not even once about how i looked the whole time i was around other people #i just existed! how lovely! #[you have mail!] #tbd #ed//

[inkskinned]

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

#writeblr #warm up #my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky #i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles #yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help #for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT #and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen #than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say #''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help #i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.'' #bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't #actually offer fair support to everyone #we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less. #and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help #bc i DID have it better than other people #and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help. #we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn #instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself

[beescake]

i am in love with your sollux i think

sollux love party :]

if you’re interested heres some of my personal fondness thoughts on him.. big warning for the mega long read ahead aye

as we alr know sollux's rejection of participation somewhat mirrors dave's rejection of heroism, but even without getting cooked to completion i still find sollux's character v compelling beyond the fourth wall

as someone who doesnt get a pinch of that Protagonist Sparkle to begin with, he can openly say he wants to leave anytime…. and unlike dave, he actually Can leave the scene anytime. but he can never be truly Free from the story via permanent character death like the other trolls.

his irrelevancy is indeed relevant - he’s there so u can point him out.

while his image is intended to be a relic of past internet subculture, his role is not only about hehehaha being a Chad or a 2000s cyberforum 2²chan haxxor ragequit gamebro.

his continued existence also happens to add a Bit to the overarching themes of homestuck! a Bit that gives him longer-lasting thematic relevance compared to the trolls who could’ve had more character potential but didnt get to survive beyond the main story.

the Bit in question:

his defiance contributes to the illusion of agency (treating characters = people with autonomy). he’s “aware” of it, and that recognition is worth noting enough to forcibly keep him alive as both reward and punishment.

considering how his personality & classpect is designed its definitely a very haha thing for hussie to do LOL. he’s made to be op asf so he's resigned to doing dirty work, gradually deteriorating along the way but never truly dying. as fans have mentioned before, him openly rejecting involvement after a while of grim tolerance is like if the sim u were controlling suddenly stopped, looked up and gave u the finger while u were step six into the walkthrough for Every Possible Sim Death Animation.

but since he’s just a sim… the more he hates it, the more you keep him around. if ur sim started complaining abt your whimsical household storyline you’d definitely keep that little fuck.

but yeah i like that sollux is just idling. the significance of his presence being that one dude who's always reliably Somewhere, root core Unchanged, no individual ambitions (possibly due to fear of consequence?), and design-wise: a staple representative product of his time.

compared to dirk's character, who has aged phenomenally well into the present (themes of control + AR + artificial intelligence, clearer exploration around navigating relationships/sexuality, infinite possibilities of self-splinterhood and trait inheritance), sollux's potential is really... contained. bitter. defeatist. limiting and frustrating in the way old tech is.

the world continues moving on to shinier, brighter, more advanced automated things - minimalist and metaverse or whatever but sollux is still here 🧍‍♂️ going woohoo redblue 3d. (tho personally i imagine his vibe similar to what the kids call cassette futurism on pinterest mixed w more grimy grunge insectoid influences eheh)

conceptually-speaking,

at the foundation of it all, the rapid pace of modern development was built off the understanding of ppl like sollux in the past, who were There actively at work while the dough was still beginning to rise

thats one of the cool things abt the idea of trolls preceding humans! the idea that trolls like sollux excelled back when lots of basic shit still needed to be discovered, building structures like networks and codes from scratch, and humans will eventually inherit and reinvent that knowledge in ways that become so optimized it makes the old manual effort seem archaic, slow, and labour-intensive.

but despite information/resources/shortcuts being more accessible now, much of the new highly-anticipated stuff released on trend still end up unfinished, inefficient, or expiring quickly due to cutting corners under severe capitalistic pressures

meanwhile, some of the old stuff frm past generations of thorough, exploratory and perfectionistic development still remains working, complete, and ever so sturdy.

those things continue to exist, just outside our periphery with either:

zero purpose left for modern needs (outdated/obsolete)

or

far too important to replace or destroy, bcs of its surprisingly essential and circumstantial usefulness in one niche specific area.

which are honestly? both points that sum up sollux pree well.

dramatic ending sorry. anw are u still on the fence or are u Sick abt him like me </3

#ask #anon #sollux captor #homestuck #hs2 spoilers #2023 #vioart #hs2 sollux explaining girls and bitches to john: 🗣️🗣️🗣️ #mr foods‚ setting up the visuals: LMAO ok pause. cool story bro theyre all gone its just u n ur sandwich bro. #now that i think abt it sol's kind of a toaster? awkwardly takes up countertop space #lacks the versatility and sociability of an air fryer/pressure cooker. unwashed and littered w crumbs! #but sometimes the clear‚ frank simplicity of the toaster is a temporary lifesaver for ppl who struggle w low appetite / decision fatigue #or ppl who just have a habit of eating toast for breakfast LOL #and eh ¯\ _(ツ)_/¯ even if u dont feel like toasting today thats ok he's still gonna be sitting there 👍👍 #a funnyman..... i curse him in my pan but root for him in my biscuit 🫶

[goldiipond]

YOU KNOW WHAT TIME IT IS THATS RIGHT ITS ART SUMMARY TIME. OH YEEAAAH

tpn is definitely one of the longest fixations i've had in a very long time, these kids mean soo much to me and have helped me branch out with my art in really fun ways. i'm really happy with where my style is now, and heres to another year of drawing the same damn anime characters <3

2022 | 2021 | 2020

#skye's doodles #skye's ramblings #ive been using both tags for these im not quite sure why. but i do love to ramble on these #did NOT have enough space for all my favorite pieces choosing was soo hard for some months ... 2024 skye should space out his favs better #to be honest this year was. interesting !! my motivation became a little rocky towards the end #partially due to finally getting a diagnosis for something ive been struggling w forever + med trials and annoying side effects YAAY #but i am glad i have still been able to make art that i can be happy with despite all that and it honestly feels. a little more special? #idk if that really makes sense but yah. really happy with how my art has developed this year cant wait for next year <3 #also godd the way ray n don each take up half these spaces... anime boy disease is incurable i fear <3 #n yah i totally just grabbed this template from the one i made last year n changed the top doodle/year. i will probably keep doing this <3 #shoiuld i tag this as tpn? it is all tpn and ive seen other summaries in the tag today. much to think about

[bunnihearted]

🐰🌧️

#so on my way home.. #i walked by a school and besides the fact that i felt so depressed bc just looking at these kids and adults i have NO hope for the future #i saw two boys on a bench as i walked by... and i just thought they were talking. and too late i realized that no one of the boys were #bullying the other boy. the bully walked away and the other boy just sat there looking so lifeless and dejected #a teacher came and sat down w that boy and i just kept walking. even if i wanted to say smth it's like what would i even do abt that situati #that made me so sad both bc that boy.. he looked so dejected and used to it. that anxiety going to school knowing you're bullied is awful #and like i imagined talking to him and saying heyyy if you're lucky you'll grow up to be 25yrs old #live like a parasite off your mom and be on wellfare and never have had a job :) #you'll have no education or highschool diploma :) you will still struggle to finish hs even at an easier level :) #you will also not have had friends in 10yrs and you'll be terrified of ppl and getting close to anyone and even going outside!! #you'll have no interests and hobbies and skills! you'll simply be a waste of space loser being a burden on everyone around u! #whoop whoop stay alive buddy it will only get worse ❤️ #god i just wanna cry. how did i let my life turn out this way??? i used to be full of dreams and life and passion and HOPE #i used to believe in things and in people. i had so many dreams and i wanted to try and do so many things #now all i can think is 'i wanna die i wanna die i wanna die'. im miserable wherever i go lmao #there's this bridge over the highway i have to cross when i walk to school and every time i look down at the trafic and when a truck drives #by i feel my entire body vibrate. i just wanna jump and get mauled by it. #or i dont *want* to but i feel so deeply and desperately that it's the only way for me #only way to make it stop hurting. and i am weak. i dont know how to just 'stop' or take control of my life. thats why i wanna die #bc i know that i wont be able to. that my life will never amount to anything #for fuck's sake my dream now is just to have my own 1bedroom apartment and have a shitty job - like in a grocery store or whatever!!!!! #not even that can i make happen! bc im so worthless i cant do anything. im also stupid so i wouldnt be able to do my job right #i dont know... i dont know... these feelings and thoughts are too much i just wanna relax #but i cant bc my ribs hurt and idk if it's heartburn or an ulcer 💀 why am i even alive???? what am i doing all this for? 😭 #my thoughts ran away but i meant like seeing that reminded me of how much of a failure i became #bc of my circumstances and all the shitty ppl around me thru out my life

[anyoldfandom]

The problem with starting to think about the Pack more is the fact that now I want to grab Skalamander the same way I grabbed Bobo like. My house now. I want to use your character potential.

#Generator rex #genrex #Just. Ough. OUGH. #Bobo was just a bad use of his potential but Skalamander is just a nothing use of his potential. Very little character there. #But looking at his design I just. Cannot get the question out of my head of 'Is it painful?' #Is he an EVO who lives in constant pain? We see that he can't stop drooling and is blind on one 'side' of his head. #And his tongue flops around when he has his mouth open. His skin stretches and sags in awkward places #It makes me think that he probably lives a pain-filled life and has probably got a wrecked mind bc of it. And then follows VK #Someone who looks at him and says You are not broken. I have use of you. I have salvation. #And with the disability symbolism with Genrex Skalamander also looks the most chronic pain having #Though granted most EVOs with significant body changes probably have chronic pain #I just. Head in hands. Fucked up lizard. How much of his mind is actually still there. #Do you think he has good days and bad days. Bad days where he can't move or days where his mind is more of a mess than usual. #He definitely has to struggle to eat and drink. With no other mouth. #Thinking also in context of Rex Pack AU of like. Skalamander having his bad days and having people who actually care about him #Doing the best they can to help. Bringing him food and water with specially designed straws and utensils #Sitting and talking to him on days his mind isn't fully there so at least he's not alone. Giving him space if he needs it #But making sure to keep a close eye on absolutely anything he needs. #Bc they're one big disabled family and they take care of each other

[coquelicoq]

my ex, who lives alone, is apparently about to buy a 5-bedroom, 4-bathroom, 2-garage house. what. i'm getting stressed out just hearing about it. tf you gonna do with all that space, bro? how you gonna clean all those bathrooms???

#he's like well i want one room for my home office and one room for my hobby and one guest room #add in a bedroom for him and that's still only 4 bedrooms? you have an entire extra bedroom???? #plus an extra garage??? #damn he thinks he's lonely now but dude just you wait until you spend every day ALONE IN A FIVE-BEDROOM HOUSE #trying not to project too much onto him but i really think this is absurd outside of my own preferences #he's been stressed living in his 1b apt bc his hobby takes up a lot of space #but i think this is just another example of his general propensity to treat the symptoms and not the disease #the problem is he's overcommitting & extending himself too much & he never finishes anything #that's what actually stresses him out #so him in a 5b house is just going to be him filling all that space with stuff until he's stressed again #anyway i have NO IDEA how to react to this because i think it's such a bad idea #i'm really bad at faking things i don't feel but i feel like it's too late to say 'wyd bro???' because apparently his offer was accepted #i did ask him how he's going to clean 4 bathrooms and he said he's just not going to use them #also it feels weird morally for a single (rich) man to buy an entire 5b house only for him in the middle of the seattle housing crisis #not like if he didn't buy it someone else would buy it and make it into affordable housing units so maybe it doesn't matter #still feels weird though and contributes to me not knowing how to react #if you have any advice for me followers...i am all ears #i've been really floundering on how to be a supportive friend to him lately #just really struggling with how to engage with him when it feels like he's his own worst enemy #and like it's not that he needs to have the same priorities as me it's just that he comes to me all stressed out and idk how to react #bc 'no shit you're stressed out. have you tried making completely different choices?' isn't a great option lol

[moenmomentsthemoe-en]

ooooo ahhhhh oooooooooggg (big vent in tags

#vent #rips hair out rips hair out rips hair out #rambling about finances and jobs ueueueee -> #i want to have a life where a job doesn't take my entire life but god it feels like its just a reality that i need to it suck up #i dont!! want !! to suck it up!!! i dont want work life to be the only thing i should have in my life !!! #maybe i should start selling on etsy?? i dont know if i have an audience to sell to aughh #i want to believe that if i try hard enough i can find a livelihood where i have space for my lows [that im still working on but GOD it #takes so so long to even dent it and. fuck] #maybe ill open an etsy shop?? #i kinda wish i could like. talk about this with someone? like my plans? without getting the suggestion to push beyond my limits #ive tried and did push beyond my limits before and it didnt end well .. i know that its important to step outside of our comfort zone #but holy cow i genuinely cannot tell where is my comfort zone and where is Burnout until. well until ive burnt out completely #i dont know the line between challenging myself healthily vs sprinting without break til i drop #scratches head #i think. i need um. support more than criticism? which sounds entitled of me. i think. i cant tell #concrit is amazing and without criticism how am i going to Be Better - but most of the concrit i receive half the time are things #that i already know and am *struggling* to fulfill which kinda just ends up. pushing my anxiety to a breakdown? mmghg #i. i want to . work healthily. i know that i cant work in a contractual job (retail - customer service - corporate etc) because i genuinely #CANNOT risk having a depressive low thats too prolonged or an anxiety spike that messes up my workflow to the point it disrupts an *entire* #working environment with other people that are just trying to do their jobs and also risk breaking one of the contracts' terms. its just no #safe to do it (ive had a contractual job and nearly. fucked up badly cause of my mental illness. im not risking it again). but DANG does it #feel like im just making excuses to not get a job #i. i have an idea for an etsy shop since freelancing would be the safest option. i just don't know if im good enough at my skills to. #actually sell to customers you know #ooughgh i wish i could run by my ideas to someone without being so so scared of. appearing as inadequate or illprepared when im doing my #best? but also its a Job and im supposed to make sure theres little to no mistakes and have a product that's of the best quality i can make #AUHGHG #i dont know how to work healthily and consistently and it scares me. #i dont know how to take care of myself and i dont know how to work. which is like. the two most important things i need to live sustainably #probably seems unproductive to me to like. talk about this on a tumblr post if anything but by the gods i need to process all this

[rtgame]

also forgot to update but this week’s gunpla update:

#idk what pose to put burning in i cant come up with shit rn #also kinda struggling to figure out where to PUT some of them in general on my shelf #i think i need to make more room in general bc im building RG wing zero EW soon and i can tell hes gonna take up A LOT of space #i know im not using the action base but one of the goddamn screws wont. screw in fully???? so it cant support like. burning #+ i still need to put decals on aerial rebuild but im just not sure where to put them

[undyinglantern]

being closer to your 30s than 20s and having nothing to show for it is so

#personal #cannot finish college/uni cannot find a job bc poor mental health being dependent on parents still how pathetic #sometimes im like wow i should be grateful i havent been kicked out yet and then its like i need to be as little of a burden as possible #like gee wonder why i still struggle with an eating disorder after over a decade. if i cant fucking off myself might as well take up as lit #le space and use up as little resources as possible #even if i wanted and could afford to go back and get a degree i still wouldnt know what to major or get a degree in #they tell you in high school its okay to be undecided youll figure it out but what if its been 9 years and i still dont know #i know. i guess. also i understand why communication courses are required for a degree but i have failed or dropped out every single class #failed interpersonal communication one semester bc i kept fucking forgetting to take the weekly online quiz and never stopped kicking my ow #ass over it ever since #tried retaking it another cemester and stopped showing up half way though bc i couldnt deal with it anymore #tried taking public speaking another and literally panicked and didnt show up anymore after the first week/class #and that was when i was 18-20 like when its okay if you dont really have anything major to share about your life #imagine being 26 having to go up and say something about yourself and its like. ive been a depressed homebody for the past 5+ years idk wha #else to tell you

[savage-rhi]

I'm very much a, "fuck yeah and fuck you, I don't need validation! I'm me, cunts!" kinda fella, but sometimes I could use support.

#today i fucked up by reactivating my fb account which i haven't done in 2 yrs just to check on some folks id been sending good thought to #place is depressing everyone is miserable and everything feels fake and my mind is like #LOL this is why we left bitch byeeee #so i deactivated again went to work and idc what anyone says there are folks like me that can and do feel the energy and emotions coming of #people and it can fucking suck especially when so many are disregulated so i got a sensory overload and boss was nice enough to let me take #a bunch of breaks today and even scream in her office cause She Gets It (TM) #the weather is rainy and cold i'm getting so many fibro flares idk how i'm moving anymore #ive missed so many days of work already and it's not even fully winter yet i still have my job and im thankful i have an understanding team #but that doesnt pay the bills im still trying to find a way to pay for that doctor appointment coming up #graduate courses began for college and i think i'm gonna be okay but damn did they throw too much info all at once at me and that made #my adhd brain go WELL SHIT #ive been feeling incredibly lonely and not wanted in so many spaces that im struggling to even communicate with the few that i know do #love me for me and nothing else im trying so so so hard to keep being there for people and to keep loving #people that need it cause i don't ever want another human being to ever feel as miserable and unwanted as i have felt #but im also tired because i feel like thats all anyone ever sees me as just this being that can take their woes away and make them feel #amazing and i love that i can do that and listen to so many traumatic stories and help folks process that trauma my boss and many throughou #life have told me i have a gift for healing people and a vibe to me thats different than most and it feels good being around me but today i #just felt like people keep taking and taking and taking and i dont expect anything back thats not who i am id rather give than receive #but damn it i just wish someone could just give me the biggest hug in the world dont even have to say a thing just hold me and be present #and hold space for me to just feel weightless id cherish that more than anything in the world right now #on a positive note... #my dinosaur vo stuff got traction im getting a new cosplay put together i havent done that in 4 years i got to pet a wild deer i made #a coworker laugh so hard his juice went out his nose and my boss peed a little #im slowly taming another wild flock of turkeys and i got a bag of my favorite takis the guacamole flavor #i got a lot to be thankful for and i acknowledge it #but damn it im tired #thank you for coming to my Ted Talk rant and rave #if you made it this far: you're an incredible human being and i love you #please go treat yo self to something nice and know i love you for you

[icewindandboringhorror]

is this actually that uncommon? I don’t even unpack just the DAY I return from somewhere, but it’s literally the first thing I do. I do nothing else until I’m unpacked, I have everything organized back in it’s proper place in the house within an hour of getting home lol.. I thought this was typical??? What’s the cultural norm?

#same with groceries or anything else I;m bringing home from outside - i put it away or d o soemthing with it immediately #I just don't like looming tasks in the background taking up my mental space like 'oh i still have to do that later' etc. #I can't relax until everything is taken care of. If i try to relax or rest when I just got home from a trip there's just always the nagging #sense that I'm going to have to get up and do something else LATER (put the stuff away) so why not just do it now #It's the whole principle of 'be more uncomfortable in the present in order to help yourself in the future' #Samme thing with covid like. Follow the social distancting tules and wear masks and do everything extremely dillignently NOW no matter how #annoying or inconvenient it is at the MOMENT because the future pay off will save you more discomfort later (more vairants coming out - long #er lockdowsn because of wider spread - you or your family getting sick - etc.) #I am ALWAYS willing to inconvenence myself and ''suffer'' temporarily in the present if it will help my future self or get me a larger #benefit down the line. etc. etc. But to me that just seems like.. literally the only rational thing to do #what's more important? my temporary emotional satisfaction or my long term wellbeing ? always the long term #it might feel good to just come home and flop onto the floor and shove the suitcases aside but is that like hour or so of rest worth #the annoyance later when you realize you've still got to put everyhting up and now you REALLY don't feel like it and etc. etc. ? #just save your future self the trouble and get it out of the way #But again I just thought it's like... everyone would also do that??? If not then when do you unpack? days later??? #Kind of like how in childhood I still had a lot of issues (hadn't developed cognitive empathy really at all - no affective empathy - don't u #nderstand social cues well or people at all - etc.. which is a recipe for frustration when Living In A Society since people are always #doing things you don't understand and you struggle to communicate properly or be understood like everyone's just speaking a different langua #ge than you) and worse anger problems and there were a few times I would come home from shcool or something and just freak out and #knock my shelves in my room over and break things or etc - and it's like OKAY that feels fine in the moment but.. consider the aftermath! #now I have to spend like a whole fucking hour cleaning my room and putting everyhting back together and etc. etc. and it's like a negative #feeling on top of a negative feeling. not only am I still kind of mad but now I have EXTRA work to do when I just want to go to sleep #So in a more minor way it's the same thing like.. If I feel shitty from traveling I don't want to DOUBLE the shitty by having extra stuff to #do later and some task looming over my head. I want to get all the bad out of the way first so I can just have uninterrupted peace later lol #if that makes sense? idk lol #The one exception is once recently I had been somewhere and got legit heat exhaustion and was throwing up by the time I got home so #I didn't unpack everything then. But after cooling off and having pedilyte and stuff I still shakily unpacked before I went to bed lol

[angelmush]

allowing myself to enjoy my interests and more than that, to talk abt them, excitedly and loudly and often, was the best thing i’ve ever done for myself

#i still struggle w the fear of being cringe however now my life is filled w ppl who don’t care abt cringiness #AND i have the self worth to allow myself to take up space #esp abt dogs i was petrified of coming off as a doggo toe beans pupper adult but the truth is that 1) i don’t but 2) even if i did #it doesn’t matter bc i am not hurting anyone and i am expressing joy !!!! #feeling emo abt progress idk #personal

[bo0zey]

thinking abt how i’m already a chronic maladaptive daydreamer w a sensitive sidereal pisces moon in the 8th house and having access to klonopin is like a forcefield of protection for my brain and body it’s only times like these i feel safe enough to come out of hiding and glide around the real world for a little bit before the drugs wear off and i dive back into my other multi universes and try to experience life through them instead except but lately it’s gotten harder and i think it’s because i’ve been so out of touch with reality for so long that i got stuck in this weird state of writer’s purgatory i used to be able to draw so much inspiration for my characters and story plots from the real world but now it’s blanks ……..i need 2 go outside n touch grass or smthing how do i feel connected to myself and the world again i don’t want to but i think that’s the reason why i can’t write anymore as much as i try…i spent >17hrs a day trying to organize 4 different stories at a time my brain is scattered im losing hope and motivation all over again …. alllll over again!!

#also i would like 2 add that pisces + drugs r Not a good combo bc pisces are already prone to escapism #finding out i’ve been a sidereal pisces moon all along rlly changed a lot for me like when i’m actively present in reality my aries moon #she’s like grrrrr emotional rampage chaos like the aries moon sun stereotype??? no bb that ones for the Moon lmao #i hate the term maladaptive daydreaming i feel like everyone uses it like haha im so quirkyy but like #ok listen i’m not trying to put myself on a pedestal if anything their comments just make me want to invalidate my own feelings anymore #i’ve been told i struggle w imposter syndrome i didn’t like when my therapist told me that it didn’t make me feel any more validated #i felt like she was lying to placate me #i wish i could’ve taken up writing in a healthier coping mechanism way but instead i let it take over everything my entire world #i could’ve graduated college w a way better gpa n shit but no i wasted hours writing instead of assignments and still i have nothing to show #maladaptive daydreaming ruined my life i want to cry i can’t believe im saying this when i condisdered it my safe space for so long #my sanctuary my garden of eden what have i done i feel like i just ate fruit from the tree of knowledge and now i see i realize i was never #i was never safe anywhere . my stories entrapped me i lost all my friends bc i liked the ones in my head so much better #now i’m alone and lost and stuck between 2 worlds i can’t believe how i used to write 30 diff works in progress at one point i had ideas #now i’m stuck in a cycle of recycling new and old ideas there’s nothing new i get lost and confused i’ve entangled myself in this web #this story web!! haha lol #idk what im saying im going to shut up now my brains foggy #i have an idea but it’s not appropriate for tumblr so im gonna write it down in my dumb journal #ramblings

[fabulouslygaybean]

gerard way gender rant in the tags bc this is my blog so i get to talk abt what i want and it's been on my mind for a hot minute

#like... it just feels weird that ppl are taking them wearing a dress to mean that they've come out as transfem? #please tell me y'all haven't forgotten that clothes don't equal gender right. like a dress is not inherently Female #it just leaves a weird taste in my mouth. it would be 110% fine if he WAS transfem but it feels weird to just assume #he has talked abt how he relates to trans women and that he's struggled with gender and that's valid!! im not denying any of that!! #but they've talked about how they dislike applying labels to himself and i feel like im the only person who finds it weird that ppl are - #- so quick to jump to the nearest label the moment he wears something more gnc than he usually does #also like.. its one thing to say that they're probably not cis. which is very true #but another thing to be so adamant that he's a 100% binary trans woman that it comes off as more intrusive than anything #they probably aren't cis. they've struggled with gender and use he/they pronouns and use some typically feminine terms to refer to himself #and it's fine to look up to him when it comes to gender!! i admire the fact that he's so open about it and i find comfort in knowing that - #- in a way he's kinda like me!! they love their trans fans and don't rlly consider themselves cis but also hasn't said anything about - #- using the word trans to describe himself. and those things can coexist. there can be a gray area between cis and trans #idk man. it just feels weird. i dont like how ppl force labels onto someone who has made an effort to avoid labels. #are they probably queer? absolutely. im not denying that. is it still weird that folks are being oddly invasive about his gender? yeah. #we're allowed to talk about his relationship with gender/sexuality + how he's always been focused on making a welcome space for queer folks #but acting as if it's Written Fact to assume he's a binary trans person is just. weird. #to clarify: this isn't me being mad at anyone in particular. if you're one of the folks who talks abt them being transfem then whatever. #im too tired rn to have any kind of beef with y'all. in the end we all basically know nothing. the only one who understands his - #- relationship with gender is gerard themself. im no expert. im just some queer teenager on the internet. #ive just seen it being passed around and i needed to type this out for myself so i can figure out WHY it was making me uncomfortable #nobody's obligated to agree with me or to even pay attention to this. im rlly only writing it out for myself and myself only. #im keeping the reblogs turned off though bc i don't wanna start fights over it

[casawio]

.

#god every time lovejoy performs somewhere #i just want to kill myself more and more #i live a meaningless life #i dont matter to anyone #and it just serves as a reminder #because im the fucking scum of the earth #look at me. throwing a tantrum because of what. jealousy? #there are people with real struggles out here #and im still here taking up space #being sad #god i should just end it already #tw suicide