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lizzyswann-turnersuggestions · 6 years

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13, 18 & 20!

OOC:

13. What gets them flusteredAs touched on in the previous, being confronted with anything she’s not ready or willing to admit to about herself. This is, narratively, something she has in common with Jack (”Jack Sparrow does not know what he wants! Or, do you know, but are loathe to claim it as your own?” According to Ted and Terry on the writers’ commentary track, the recurring mention of what Jack actually wants but will not admit to, which is making his compass go screwy, is intended to be Elizabeth) - Jack’s simplified story about desire and loyalty makes him a foil to Elizabeth and Will’s more complicated arcs about those things.

This is consistently the case in all times Elizabeth can be said to be either flustered or uncomfortable - when she’s confronted with something she did or wants and doesn’t want to want, when she’s lying to James in the deleted scene in COTBP it’s because she’s talking around what she actually wants to pretend that she wants James and a life with him when she doesn’t.

In this RP particularly what gets her flustered is one James Norrington, who occupies a space where all of these different desires and personality traits she won’t cop to intersect: first she has to admit she wanted/wants him and Will at the same time, which she doesn’t want to do because it challenges her perception of herself as a generally good person and forces her to examine how selfish she’s willing to be. Secondly she has to admit to having been wrong about how much she wanted Will and why she didn’t want Norrington, which also highlights how little she knows herself. And thirdly, sexual desire is funny, annoying business, lol

18. Things they’ll never admit

I wouldn’t say she’ll never admit it, but she’s struggling to admit right now that her feelings for Will might have been founded on infatuation and that her feelings for James could have been greater if she’d given him a chance (and that she likes girls entirely). It’s such a painful thing to admit because to her it feels like proof neither relationship was or could ever be serious and thus maybe she shouldn’t try to love anyone.

I have, personally - me, as the player, as a person - a lot of negative feelings about One True Love/True Love/Soul Mates as a story construction and it’s because of this. I think that “true love” is when you find someone you have a certain rapport with, and then work to prioritize that commitment and make that person your life partner in everything. I don’t think that the work and commitment come just because you meet the right person, and I certainly don’t think you can only feel this towards one person or you’re superficial and shallow and your love isn’t real love and your soul mate isn’t your real soul mate. If you have that kind of deep love with one person I don’t think it’s impossible to feel it for another later - and if you do it does not mean one of those occasions simply wasn’t real! But that’s how we narratively frame love and I think Elizabeth buys into it, and for her, feeling doubts about her commitment to Will, or having feelings that she might have loved another man if she’d just known him a little bit better than she did, really crushed her.

In the films Elizabeth’s attraction to Will is quite clearly founded in superficial things but she ultimately finds her will (ha) to be with him is strong enough to sustain the love, even though she’s attracted to Jack too. I don’t like that being treated as “soul mates! they’re meant to be together because they know what they other is thinking exclusively during scheming and battling monsters!” and I wanted to explore where the relationship with James Norrington might have gone, which is a factor in why they ended up breaking up.

But in the RP Elizabeth isn’t ready to accept that and I don’t know when/if she will be. I don’t want her to go to a place where she’s like “oh James was my real love all along” because I don’t believe that or think believing it would be beneficial to her, but she has a long way to go to unlearn that mindset.

20. What Ifs/Alternative Timelines

I’m working on a fanfiction that’s an alternative timeline; in it, Will is 14 at the start of the story (which he was at some point during the scriptwriting process, before Jack became unfuckable and Will was made into the love interest) and the relationship Elizabeth has with him is more of a complex friendship. In my plans for it, Elizabeth is still going to reject James Norrington, largely because he represents a version of her future she doesn’t want and doesn’t, only to fall for him in DMC.

I also frequently imagine what it would look like if she did accept him at the end of COTBP, whatever Will’s age, and to be honest I think the marriage part of it would end up solid after a long, rocky, awkward start. A man of his rank in the navy can take his wife out to sea with him and I don’t see why he wouldn’t, even though he would probably, like, balk at being asked to teach her how to use a sword or her wanting to wear men’s clothes out at sea. However, as soon as they got boarded by pirates, Elizabeth would almost certainly pull off a big hero moment and afterward they would discover the potential for a much closer rapport, which would probably, as suggested on this RP board, prevent him from sailing into a hurricane later (Elizabeth Swann? Sail through a hurricane? To catch Jack Sparrow? Nah, son) but the timeline gets iffy again because both of them are still wanted by Cutler Beckett for Sparrow’s release.

I generally think that the story would diverge here with them arguing about whether or not following Beckett’s orders is right and, especially painfully since they finally had reached an understanding and even come to love each other, when he chooses the law over what is actually just, she’s going to steal a ship and go pirating herself. I think at that point the story resumes like usual but who knows what becomes of their relationship? I do not think Elizabeth could stand by idly and watch Beckett do everything he does, and an Elizabeth who’s spent the last year or more actually in the navy (albeit through marriage) is going to be especially formidable once she turns pirate.

Tbh, a lot of fandom for the Elizabeth/Norrington relationship that i’ve noticed seems to ignore this aspect of Elizabeth’s identity (that these are HER DESIRES projected onto her romance with Will, and if she had a romance with Jack or James, her desires would be the same): she’s not secretly waiting for the right man to make the restlessness and love for the sea and for freedom Go Away. It’s not ahistorical which is the criticism of it i see flung at her the most often. Mlle de Maupin, the historical Joan of Arc, historical actual pirates which included plenty of women, and the Garbo Queen Christina were many of the most formative reading/viewing experiences of my teen years. I am more interested in the ways in which she and James would be more compatible except from their difference in values - he nominally values justice but he favors order (including societal order, which is what he represents to her) and the law over actual ethical concerns, and Elizabeth genuinely strives for justice above other things, and repeatedly brings that out in him. DMC is the only film in which his story does not end with that - it ends with the opposite - and I don’t think, from a Norrington-centric perspective, that it is a coincidence that James does the lawful but evil thing in the film where she swoons over two other men in front of him. So I think a lot about timelines where she and he might have been pushed together by fate, and the different ways in which their stories and motives might have diverged even if she reciprocated his feelings.

#missives #ooc

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lexisming · 3 years

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A Short Romance

I haven’t been writing (”blogging” as they call it in my times) in awhile, not because I have been busy but rather, I always find discomfort in facing the intensity of my feelings. Most of the time when I look back at what I wrote about how I felt in the moment, I reject them out of embarrassment. But I thought to it’d be good to jot this down before it becomes a distant memory.

I think of myself as a romantic cynic - mainly a cynic, yet I still get the kick out of cheesy romantic films (Shoutout: Before trilogy). Do I believe that this scenarios would happen in real life? Nope. Do I still get a warm fuzzy feeling watching fictionalised romance? Yep. Would I dare to imagine it’d ever happen to me? Nah... But did it? The story goes:

We matched each other on a dating app (I have compromised on my deep aversion towards modernised dating). The starting conversation was playful banter. He immediately left an impression by responding tactfully to the information at hand from our shared answers. He crafted perfect and careful requests; beginning with ‘like’ - “I would like to meet you f2f” - and smoothly moving to ‘love’ - “I would love to meet you on Christmas”. We haven’t met in person and I was already thoroughly impressed with the way he carried himself.

Before the physical meet up, I played it cool and didn’t send any messages in between the time I woke up to the time of the date (evening). Perhaps a part of me was afraid to pop the bubble of anticipation that I was gradually building up. Yet he jumped straight in, unafraid of behaving foolishly in front of a stranger - “I am going to be wearing green. If you wear red or white, we’d be a Christmas combo” and “I am getting nervous for later”. I was astonished by his careless vulnerability yet finding it an attractive trait.

When we met, it started out rocky with sudden jokes and slight directness. 2 years ago, I would have been immediately offended but I wasn’t. I went in with my eyes wide open to learn and know about this human and his soul. As in progressed, we talked and laughed, we had brief silences that lean towards comfort than awkwardness. I surprised him with a gift (because hello, its Christmas) and he took it. In spite of my incapability to eat spicy food, we ordered Tom Yum soup to share (luckily enough, it was still bearable).

Then we walked, explored and talked. I am glad we did not stay at one location for the entire time because it almost felt like we had 3 different dates in one. Every time he had the opportunity to come in contact with me, he took it and I would say, almost too skilfully (I subsequently asked how many dates he has been on). When he tried to hold my hand, I fumbled in shock. I shared with him I didn’t know how or what I felt about holding hands or hugging when dating vs when in a relationship. He listened. I told him I am not comfortable with physical touch. He obliged. I was respected.

We played 36 questions to get to know one another, and boy were they right about that. What appeared to be general and non-evasive questions revealed a little bit more about two strangers. Initially he didn’t wish to talk about his family, but when he mentioned them a couple of times in his answers, I could see the love he had for them. When he struggled to answer some of the questions, I could see how important he valued what others have been through above his own achievements or pain. He shared his dreams and motivations, and I stared starstruck.

As we sat by the bay, I drank (alcohol) and he ate burgers and fries. I told him I get touchy when I drink, and he said “Can I touch you?” and my alcohol induced brain said “Yes but not sexually” followed by “If you kiss me, I will whack you”. Oh brain, you say such unfiltered things with toxins in your blood. He came over, sat beside me (he was sitting opposite before) and put his hands around my waist. He leaned his head on my shoulder and said “I’m a clingy guy”, and I patted his head. I blurted out “I like you” and he patted my head. In hindsight, probably too soon?

I am not comfortable with physical touch (a struggle when facing the modern male of casual sex and physical intimacy) but with him, it was gentle and caring, as though I knew him for a long time. We hugged, we held hands, it was all PG13 and it was alright. I felt safe.

After, it went like a whirlwind.

Unbeknownst to him, my recent prayer to God was a question: “Can you tell me if I am too much?” After a series of romantic and platonic rejections, I was at one of my lows, questioning if my personality was too overwhelming for the current society. I didn’t know what to do. I kept wanting things that did not want me, meet people who continuously misunderstood me, let alone have the decency to respond to me. I was tired.

He appears; fearlessly open and fearlessly vulnerable. He starts asking questions, bringing up topics and setting boundaries; (seemingly) completely unafraid if they were too quick or too overwhelming to talk about after one date. Little old me, already smitten, happily agreed to discuss everything he brought up. In fact, I would have said exactly the same if I had not been holding myself back.

To be honest, I was in shock and disbelief. My cynicism was kicking in. It was all too good to be true. I had only known this person for 3 days and he was, in layman terms, “ticking all the boxes”. Not only was he communicating in the way I communicate, but also we had similar interests, values and experiences. He spoke my love language without effort or intention. He said things and did things without me asking.

Reality kicks in.

We realised we were each at a different stage in our dating life - he who has never been in a relationship, wanted more time to explore all the options; while I who has been in one, already knew what I wanted and what I was willing to give. Would this be the case of a right person at the wrong time?

I knew if we remained friends, I would have subconsciously waited. Maybe it would have been easier if we didn't have that many things in common. Or maybe I am not wired to date multiple people at once. I lost myself when I became one out of multiple options to another, and I was not willing to go through that again.

In the same way he made (and said), his was a selfish choice to continue exploring the dating scene. I made my selfish choice to reject his offer of friendship. It was painful but I went into it with full assurance and peace (thank God) that whatever was to come my way will always come, whatever would not, will not. For the first time, I really wanted something but I did not chase after it.

Let’s be realistic. While we appear to be a perfect fit (from my perspective), who can judge something so short and deem it to be love? I don’t. Yet the little whisper from the romantic in me thinks: Isn’t this the most beautiful part? Where 2 souls collide; in rawness, in inexperience, in honesty.

Maybe I indulge in too many romantic films after all.

We agreed to stop communicating. We didn’t make a pact to find each other again (how much pressure will you put on someone you just met?). We didn't say anything remotely close to love. I sit here, writing this in patience, putting pen to paper what may soon be forgotten. Perhaps this is the end of our short romance story. Perhaps it is a prelude to something better. Only time will tell.

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fandomfriendly · 6 years

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I want to be all diary like rn

so like I could just make a note of whatever I’m bout to say but I want it like live forever and i know literally no one on this damn site cares about what i have to say so here I am lol..

I’ve been in this weird pit of overwhelming emotions accompanied by the incapability of processing them for the past few years. It took me so much time to even realize I had such a problem with allowing myself to be a regular fuckin human and initially when I first started seeing the signs of how mentally unhealthily I was living I didn’t know what the fuck to do and abruptly cut off pretty much everything and everyone I loved. I became a fucking hermit. I kept telling myself I was doing it for the better, that I cut everything off and am gonna take my time to heal and grow as a person and when I feel better i will try to rekindle with everything and whatever doesn’t work, just wasn’t meant to be. Which is a mentally unhealthy thing to do in the first place and potentially not only harmed myself but those around me but life’s a fuckin cycle of realizing shit so,,,

Anyways I went through some hella hard times filled with anxiety and depression, literally every day was either full of tears and feeling every emotion at once or was empty and ghost like. But I pushed through it. I learned a lot about my self and how my mind works. I grew as a person and still am. I’m not sharpest in a lot of ways but i know I just want to be a kind and accepting person, not that I wasn’t all those years ago, it’s just that back then I couldn’t present myself as such as I didn’t even have the fucking motivation to live. I mean I like to think I was kind in others eyes but I also fucking hate thinking about what others might think me so again,,, lol. I just know now that I’m trying to be a better person, and I’m trying to learn more and do more this year than I have in the past four years.

I’m writing this now because I’m in a really good state of mind. This month alone I’ve had conversations I never thought I would with people that are so close to me yet knew so little about. That sounds so cryptic lmao. Basically i spoke with my closest family members about struggles mentally and the past and how emotionally traumatizing it was for them and in turn I allowed myself to open up about the exact same thing. A specific convo was with my mom, a woman who has been through hell and back. She told me about past abuse, most of which I was there to witness and we have talked about before, but this time it was different because we spoke as equals. I’m gonna be honest I didn’t open up as much as I could have but it felt like I finally walked over a hill I was dreading for so long. I used to just be a good fake and slap a smile on in difficult time probably not fooling anyone. It’s always been a problem opening up to my family and friends but send me a stranger and I’ll talk their ear off.. well sorta, so like in high school i saw a grief counselor who i guess was technically my therapist but she was a total stranger and the second she asked what I even need to see her for, I broke down. I swear she said like two sentences but I rashly explained all the shit i was dealing with in between fits of tears. At the second meeting I felt like she knew my whole life but somehow I still had more to say?? I literally don’t know how I was so comfortable sharing all that with a stranger so fast like I get it’s her profession and I would’ve opened up eventually and that it could’ve clicked in the back of my mind like ‘why waste time just tell her everything now!’ But idk I think if I were to talk with a stranger that is willing to listen, I would legit do the same thing.. idk.

Anyways, opening up in the slightest bit feels like a major accomplishment. And the fact that i could with my mom who, god bless her, did so much that was seemingly unhealthy and careless to others but meant the world to me, felt amazing. There’s that thing about high school being the time of your life and living it up- a pre show of college which I wasn’t really expecting to be true in the first place but what I didn’t expect was to be emotionally unstable dealing with anxiety, depression, self hatred and grief. So when all this shit hit me like a truck, I was left feeling numb not wanting to do anything with little to no interest in any previous hobbies and likings. I grew up feeling said things^ but didn’t realize until hs how worse it got over time. In the midst of all of that I didn’t know what to do and was having frequent anxiety attacks and even though I couldn’t explain it at all, my mom had a sort of understanding and allowed me to stay home like every damn day. Like I said wasn’t the greatest thing to do but it helped in its own way. In the first years of hs my relationship with my mom was rocky but towards the end she screwed her head on and became more mama bird then ever. We bonded and it felt much better, almost like we rekindled after a long time. Which is kinda true.

Another thing I realized in the past four years was how normalized death was to me growing up. Like by the time I was eight I went through at least six funerals which to my Catholic Mexican/Filipino family meant six mortuary family reunions, six forty day prayers full of greeting mama and papas, being one of the only children to not be playing in the backyard but rather doing the rosary with the adults and what my fam called the ‘Filipino golden girls’ singing walk with thee. Not to mention the other annual prayers with said golden girls where we had a Jesus of Nazareth statue that traveled from the Philippines for a whole week and just prayed for mercy and the souls of our dearly deceased. Like this was the norm for me.. but ALL of that did not prepare me for the deaths of two of the most important people to me. I mean I guess it did because after one of the passings, after a ton of tears and goodbyes in a hospital room, I got in the car and on the way home and immediately thought about where the nice tablecloth was and the saint statues and how to move the table we used as an alter at the previous prayers. So yeah I was prepared but not for the emotions.

Back to why I’m writing this now, i just feel happy??? Idk why this past week was a rollercoaster but overall I felt happy,,,, idk. Imma elaborate..(holy shit I said I could talk the ear off a stranger and look at me spilling hella shit about me rn to the three strangers who’ll see this and scroll right past lmao.) So hmmm, there was a party hosted at my house recently and I was hella excited, I felt like I looked great and was ready to party but as all other times when there’s a gathering of any sort at my house, this weird overwhlelming feeling pops up and fucks everything up. It’s basically a fucking anxiety attack but soooo much weirder than the ones I dealt with in school. I mean they’re both basically the same but these ones felt worse. Because not being able to leave my room for school full of kids I barely knew and not being able to leave my room for a patio full of family and friends that I’m mostly close too should not result in the same form of anxiety. Idk tho it’s all in my sick brain!! but yeah that shit sucked I stayed in my room the whole night, hungry and sober which were two of the things I was absolutely not supposed to be!! There were tacos, &(oops) my fave tequila, good music and fun things planned but that didn’t stop my sick brain from telling me nO. And another thing in this glorious month is —Father’s Day. liSTEN I’m hella damaged nd am not trying to get into ALL of this but to keep it short, my dad who wasn’t in my life until I was one and only very briefly until I was thirteen which also turned out to be very briefly until I was eighteen which you guessed, was also very briefly, just isn’t a good dad. i have a half sibling who I feel so bad for because her parents are literal idiots that just shouldn’t have had kids because they can barely take care of themselves. But the very brief moment when I was eighteen was because of said halfsibling that I was worried for but as of now that family is it’s own and I’m nowhere near it nor do I want to be. But really I wasn’t struggling with my own dad issues this time around but rather my grandpa. It’s just that i know Father’s Day is hard for him because he lost my grandma who gave him his babygirl, my momma. And I didn’t push any emotional induced conversation at all. But as we ate dinner the conversation was about how well he used to get paid as a server waaaay back when and that he’d have stacks in his pocket lmao we were like yeh okay as a waiter all right,, and he sorta slipped up and said, “No really! Ask Mama!” And I’m pretty sure only me and my brother in law heard because he moved on really quickly and there were side convos happening but like a wave of emotions came over me. I teared up the second I heard him say her name because it just reminded me more about how hard this day must be for him. And my throat is swelling up jus typing about it rn so I’m not gonna get eVEN more into it.

But yeah overall June has been okay. I have felt okay. And after months of not going on here I just thought “why not type about this?? This content feelin is all I crave and have been longing for and whenever I get it, in even the slightest, it should be appreciated and remembered.”

Whoop so like what’s some good things that happened in the last few months. Hmmm

Well I’m just finally acting, in the tiniest way ever, as an adult. I didn’t take grip of my life yet but like I took A STEP!!

I’ve got new things I like and am more open than ever to new things.

I’ve got hobbies!! I’m growing mint and wanna start and herb garden. I’m reading and learning a new language that I’ll probably never use but I’m learning it for fun and not for a grade or something and am taking my time with it. And a new language brings so much more!! More people, music, shows and writing!! I mean I’m at a hella basic level but all of those things are helping me.

I’ve thought about reigniting old flames lmao that sounds like getting intouch with old lovers but no. I mean creatively. In the past three years I barely even thought about drawing and in the past few months I found myself thinking about things I could draw up and cool ways to mix medias. I actually looked for my sketchbook and was gonna test it out but I saw some of my old work and got nostalgic and was almost putting myself in my shoes from that year and like that didn’t sit well so I haven’t tried. bUT at least I’m thinking about it again. I really think imma start again soon and just the thought of that makes me happy!!

I took up writing and the result is exactly what I thought,,, I suck at writing lmao but I tried and it was fun and it led me to find some writers online that made me cry over some fictional characters. some were fan fiction and??? A writer no less.. which really doesn’t need to be explained more especially on this site lol

I’m getting healthier. Not that I was suuuuper bad before but it was good either. I did have some horrible eating and sleep habits. I swear I was addicted to food like I ate to fill a void in me idk but l changed that shit real quick. And as for sleep,, well it’s still shit. Considering I started typing this at nearly six am nowhere near tired. Lately I’ve been falling asleep around 6:30am which indeed results in my waking up at noon or past it even but it’ll surely go back to the usual 2:30 to 10:30am schedule. Not too bad...

I’m dressing up again! I don’t go anywhere but catch me looking cute in a fit at home or 7-11. lol I used to be hella into getting dolled up for school and used to play around with hair cuts and colors and different makeup but then suddenly it was like mAYbe I’ll do my eyebrows today and rather than choosing good outfits I would wake up and change from my actual pjs to my outside pjs, loungewear, if you will.

Idk man i just am okay right now and that’s enough to keep me going. I haven’t had a really low point for a few months now and like I said I don’t get this content feeling very often so I’m just really soaking it all up. It’s good, I’m good.. 2018 is fucking flying and I didn’t think I’d get into new things this year but I did and I’m exited for more!!

#im excited that im alive but no necessarily excited about living this life #IM OKAY THO WHOOP I AIN GETTING DOWN NOW!!#its the middle if pride month like #idk okay im done lmao #me

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