#and im still here taking up space

[casawio]

.

#god every time lovejoy performs somewhere #i just want to kill myself more and more #i live a meaningless life #i dont matter to anyone #and it just serves as a reminder #because im the fucking scum of the earth #look at me. throwing a tantrum because of what. jealousy? #there are people with real struggles out here #and im still here taking up space #being sad #god i should just end it already #tw suicide

[inkskinned]

you were raised in comparison.

it wasn't always obvious (well. except for the times that it was), but you internalized it young. you had to eat what you didn't like, other people are going hungry, and you should be grateful. you had to suck it up and walk on the twisted ankle, it wasn't broken, you were just being a baby. you were never actually suffering, people obviously had it worse than you did.

you had a roof over your head - imagine! with the way you behaved, with how you talked back to your parents? you're lucky they didn't kick you out on your ass. they had friends who had to deal with that. hell, you have friends who had to deal with that. and how dare you imply your father isn't there for you - just because he doesn't ever actually talk to you and just because he's completely emotionally checked out of your life doesn't mean you're not fucking lucky. think about your cousins, who don't even get to speak to their dad. so what if yours has a mean streak; is aggressive and rude. at least you have a father to be rude to you.

you really think you're hurting? you were raised in a home! you had access to clean water! you never so much as came close to experiencing a real problem. sure, okay. you have this "mental illness" thing, but teenagers are always depressed, right. it's a phase, you'll move on with your life.

what do you mean you feel burnt out at work. what do you mean you mean you never "formed healthy coping mechanisms?" we raised you better than that. you were supposed to just shoulder through things. to hold yourself to high expectations. "burning out" is for people with real jobs and real stress. burnout is for people who have sick kids and people who have high-paying jobs and people who are actually experiencing something difficult. recently you almost cried because you couldn't find your fucking car keys. you just have lost your sense of gratitude, and honestly, we're kind of hurt. we tell you we love you, isn't that enough? if you want us to stick around, you need to be better about proving it. you need to shut up about how your mental health is ruined.

it could be worse! what if you were actually experiencing executive dysfunction. if you were really actually sick, would you even be able to look at things on the internet about it? you just spend too much time on webMD. you just like to freak yourself out and feel like you belong to something. you just like playing the victim. this is always how you have been - you've always been so fucking dramatic. you have no idea how good you have it - you're too fucking sensitive.

you were like, maybe too good of a kid. unwilling to make a real fuss. and the whole time - the little points, the little validations - they went unnoticed. it isn't that you were looking for love, specifically - more like you'd just wanted any one person to actually listen. that was all you'd really need. you just needed to be witnessed. it wasn't that you couldn't withstand the burden, but you did want to know that anyone was watching. these days, you are so accustomed to the idea of comparison - you don't even think you belong in your own communities. someone always fits better than you do. you're always the outlier. they made these places safe, and then you go in, and you are just not... quite the same way that would actually-fit.

you watch the little white ocean of your numbness lap at your ankles. the tide has been coming in for a while, you need to do something about it. what you want to do is take a nap. what you want to do is develop some kind of time machine - it's not like you want your life to stop, not completely, but it would really nice if you could just get everything to freeze, just for a little while, just until you're finished resting. but at least you're not the worst you've been. at least you have anything. you're so fucking lucky. do you have any concept of the amount of global suffering?

a little ant dies at the side of your kitchen sink. you look at its strange chitinous body and think - if you could just somehow convince yourself it is enough, it will finally be enough and you can be happy. no changes will have to be made. you just need to remember what you could lose. what is still precious to you.

you can't stop staring at the ant. you could be an ant instead of a person, that is how lucky you are. it's just - you didn't know the name of the ant, did you. it's just - ants spend their whole life working, and never complain. never pull the car over to weep.

it's just - when it died, it curled up into a tight little ball.

something kind of uncomfortable: you do that when you sleep.

#writeblr #warm up #my dad was actively doing bad shit to us and we STILL were told we were lucky . and to a point i do think im lucky #i just think also there's somethin to be said about like. how about we stop using comparison to dismiss ppls individual struggles #yes there are people who have no perspective. for the reference tho having perspective actually made me really unwilling to get help #for what was a serious and debilitating mental health issue. bc i thought i didnt DESERVE IT #and i would rather have 600 ppl who aren't THAT bad get help and get heard and get seen #than make any 1 kid. do the math that i did: look at the world that is dying and the people who are hurting and say #''oh. okay. others have it worse. they are probably better people than i am. i am being unreasonable. i cannot ask for help #i am not good. i am taking too much space. i am not worth saving.'' #bc our WHOLE lives we are taught a scarcity mindset - that you can 'steal' from someone. so that instead of changing a system that doesn't #actually offer fair support to everyone #we put the impetus on the individual to just... demand less. #and here's something - there are probably ppl who think i DIDNT deserve to get help #bc i DID have it better than other people #and something about that is ... so sickening. bc i think all of us in some way at some point WILL need help. #we were supposed to make communities. we were supposed to offer our hands. we were supposed to raise the barn #instead we said: it could be worse. now handle it yourself

[jils-things]

by the lighthouse.

dividers

#alright i suppose i should tell what's up lately! im mostly posting this like a mini update or whatever haha #so - since i made that last post on my disappearance i worked endlessly to finish my animation project and thank goodness it's finally over #i had to take a break from trying to be social here and just stay in my own space and i did that by having a smaller side blog to ramble #the project was very... tiring - definitely took out so much energy from me post physically and mentally and i was just frustrated everyday #so i just took my time to be alone with a few close people and i like to think im okay now? #i like to think so - since i was able to deliver a few commission drafts today so i'm relieved that im back to my usual pace #I'll post a few of my doodles here i did during my project just to fill the void haha #i've acquired a minor familial from another video game and i care for him a lot :] idk ill bother to talk abt it here but yeah thats funnn #also indulging a lil bit of t.n.m.n content as of late also thanks to my friend who knows abt it hehe #soo yeah! I don't know if ill be active like the usual but know that i'm doing alright now! hope everyone's doing okay too xoxo #ill probably still stay in my smaller blog for a little longer but will occasionally pop in here! #sooo yaaa #~ art #♥️ memoryshipping #also yea i think no.rton only had like. 10 days worth of being the blog brand here until i switched back to the usual guy lmaooo sorry 😔

[opikiquu]

aventurine pl. Plea s e . PLLEEEEEEASE

#★ arin rambles #‘here we go again’ you think everytime you see my ramble tag. I dont blame you #AVENTURINE AVENTURINE PLEASE SAVE ME WHITE BOY #OH MY LORD #OH MY GOODNESS GRACIOUS OH MY GOODNESS. #MY JSOE IS RUNNING HES RUINNING MY LIFE I CANT DO THIS ANYMORE IM SO ILL PLEASE I #AVENTURINE. im so serious i can talk about this man all day. and more specifically this video #‘it was just posted 30 minutes ago arin youre scaring the kids’ SILENCE. I NEED SPACE #I NEED A. A MOMENT. EVERYBODY PLEAS GETA WAY FROM ME IM GOING TO GET SO SCARY #Please. Im so sorry. Im begging you . I love this man oh my gish please hes so cute #HES SO CUTE. HES SO CUTE IM SO SICK OF HIM WHY???????? WHY IS HE SO PRETTY HES SO PRETTY HES GOREGOUS HES SO STUNNING. HELLO. HELLO. #Im going to. Slam my head against the wall im overwhelmed with joy and happiness hes everything ive ever wanted ever #any minute not spent talking about him is a moment wasted i promise you MY PRINCESS IM COMING TO SAVE YOU #IM HIS KNIGHT IN SHINING ARMOUR EXCEPT ITS NOT SHINY #IM COVERED IN DIRT #IM STILL COMING FOR YOU AVENTURINE RUN #oh goodness me oh my #im so happy hes so prettu im so happy i cant do rhis im sweating geniumnly i feel so sick #Im cant . Do this anymore. I CANT TAKE IT. I HAVE TO… AAUGH… AAAHH… I HAVE TO…. DANCE! #guys…. he my favorriet… #my slinky….. my krimpet… my teacup i think. My doc mc stuffins doctor playset. My dishwasher. My italian coldsteel cinquedea . atp anything #hes my EVERYTHING. MY EVERYTHING…!!!!!!!! *MY TELEKENISIS THROWS EVERYTTHING ACROSS THE ROOM* #yall i dont think ive had a hyperfixation this horribly bad since. Since the. Since. MAN I DONT KNOW #IM COOKED. HE WOMT LEAVE ME ALONE. I LITERALLY DREAMT OF HIM LAST NIGHT LIKE IM SO DOOMED? ACTUALLY? #oh to be medicated and focus on . Things like cooking. Or idk. Getting a job. No i just think about some messed up blonde all day im absolut #ly DOOMED #yes im still yapping i got 30 tags u gon stick through them all. Every single one of them. Dont leave me please i want to talk about him ton #TO SOMEONE. I WANT TO TALK ABOUT HIM TO SOMEONE ALL DAY. ALL MY FRIENDS ARE TESTING. IM LEFT ALONE ALL DAY I JUST WANT TO TALK ABOUT MY WIFE #i womder how crazy i look right now #Sighs lovingly at him..

[sluckythewizard]

The Altered Beast[FULL SUITE] COULD be arthur bennett or adjacent to whatever hes got going on in tha finale. if ur brave enough. IF UR BRAVE ENOUGH [tldr its just about Things eating Things and becoming New Terrible Things. it also fucking jams]

#POSTED THIS ON TWITTY ALREADY BUT I NEED MORE SKULLS TO CRAWL INTO. LET ME IN UR HEAD LET ME IN LET ME IN LET ME IN #I LOOOVE THE MURDER OF THE UNIVERSE ALBUM SO MUCH. YOU WILL LISTEN TO PSYCHEDELIC PROG ROCK. YOU WILL #YOU WILL GET HIGH AND SCARED. YOU WILL CRACK OPEN YOUR HEAD SO I MAY ACCESS THE GRAY MATTER WITHIN. #its good music but the STORY OF JUST THE ALTERED BEAST IS NEAT AS HELL #U TELLIN ME THIS PERSON WHO WAS ORIGINALLY SCARED OF A BEAST NOW WANTS TO ASSIMILATE INTO IT #TO OVERPOWER IT. TO BECOME IT. AND THEN IT CHANGES HIM IN WILD WAYS. AND NOW HE NEEDS MORE BEASTS #YOU TELLIN ME NOW ITS JUST A MONSTER GOING OUT AND CONSUMING MONSTERS TO BECOME A MORE POWERFUL MONSTER #THATS SO FUCKING NEAT AND COOL. THATS WHAT I WANNA BE WHEN I GROW UP. I REALLY WANT ARTHUR BENNETT TO GET WORSE #I LOVE IT WHEN CHARACTERS GET WORSE. I NEED SOME PHOSPHOPHOLITE TYPE SHIT TO HAPPEN TO HIM #I NEED HIM INCOMPREHENSIBLE. yknow what is this a safe space. i have a confession #IT WAS A FUCKING COP-OUT FOR THEM TO LET ARTHURS BODY STAY HOT WHEN HIS FACE WENT TO 0 APPEARANCE #HIS WHOLE BODY SHOULDVE DISTORTED AND ROTTED. I WANTED ROT. I HIDE HIS FACE WHEN I DRAW HIM BC FUNNY CARTOON TROPE #BUT THERE ARE THINGS SQUIRMING WITHIN THE DARK. BONES HAVE SHIFTED AND FLESH HAS WITHERED AND DISTORTED. INHUMAN. BEAST. #COME OONNNN AND NOOOOWWWWW NOW HES MORE HES SO MUCH MORE. WHO KNEW SOULS COULD BE SO FUN TO EAT. #WHO KNEW IT COULD BE SO FUN TO KILL SOMETHING SO POWERFUL. TO BECOME SOMETHING MORE POWERFUL #VAMPIRES ARE SO NEAT BC THEYRE STICKY. THE FLESH JUST DOESNT SEPARATE THE SAME AS HUMANS. THEY LAST LONGER #BODY HORROR IS SO MUCH MORE FUN W VAMPIRES..I COULD TAKE A LIMB AND SMEAR IT OUTWARD INTO A FINE PASTE AND THE COLD FLESH WOULD STILL WRITH #IN MY HEART ATLEAST. WEEEEE!! ITS SO FUN IN HERE. IN MY BEAUTIFUL AND KIND HEAR.TS #I THINK IM RUNNING OUT OF ROOM. ANOTHER FOUL CONTRACT BOUNDING MY HUBRIS WITHIN ITS BASTARD LIMITS. ANWYAY IF U GUYS EVER WANNA GO CRAZY WM #IM HERE. IM HERE. I MIGHT READ UR MSG N THEN FORGET RIGHT AWAY SO SPAM ME IF U WANNA. HAVE FUNNN WEEEEE

[puppyeared]

One of these days they’ll make an update where it gives you a feedback pop up when u try to unfollow someone

#like when you report a google ad cause it’s taking up too much space on the screen #I hate the updates btw. why did they invent unread notifications #bro I would be fine if you let me CHOOSE WHICH ONES I WANT HIGHLIGHTED #I love reading ppls tags and seeing stuff im mentioned in. maybe I’d like to be able to pick that apart from my other notifications instead #of everything on my screen being a hodgepodge of highlighted. just saying #it’s funny seeing those posts going around abt tumblr somewhat winning against twitter and Reddit but we’re just as easily going down that #path. like. we are also burning on wax wings because of staffs disconnect from their user base and unwanted website #am I still gonna use it? yeah. but it’s ass and I don’t want to pretend tumblr is suddenly better because everyone’s coming here #it just doesn’t feel like a good sign to me. idk #yapping

[carcarrot]

i love my job that's like if you asked someone to design a place specifically meant to frustrate, torture and overstimulate an anxious person

#i cant do this anymore. i obviously will but like i cant do this anymore #you might think college-eduated professional people in a fancy office building would have some understanding of personal space and manners #but you'd be wrong! #i am staying in this job for everything aside from the actual job itself which i hate #im just here for the pay the insurance and the time off #and the fact that i can carve out important goofing off time during work hours. which just means i can be on my phone lmao #that being said i do sometimes miss my cafe job #i was more my own boss there and often worked completely alone (yay) #whereas here even though im kinda the boss of my own floor. i still have to deal w my dumb supervisor and coworkers and manager #plus at the cafe i had sole control of the music that played there. very important. lots of steely dan #sometimes when the work got really busy it sucked and was overwhelming but it would stil calm down eventually #and ill always hate dealing with annoying customers. but at least there they LEFT #here its the same assortment of idiots every goddamn day. and theyre always around #like yeah the cafe job had annoying things (taking out the trash from the basement. up stairs) #but it did have its fun moments #it just didnt pay nearly as good as this job and had no insurance or paid time off. oh well #this has me thinking abt what if i owned my own place. but i don't wanna

[gomzdrawfr]

So uhhhh

I think my wacom tablet is officially dead fr lmao

That thang has been finicky for like four months ish its about time ((fitting since the ai thing happened))

The last thing I drew from it was a spicy drawing of PriceRaven, what a way to end it🤣

Thinking of getting the HUION Inspiroy H640P tablet since its one of the recommended drawing tablets I see around reddit, plus it is within my price range

Till then, I suppose drawings will pause for some time before I can get a new one!

#its like the universe really is telling me to stop lmao #cuz like im taking a break from everything except here #uni beating me tf up FOR REAL this time and so yeah #tumblr’s like a place where interaction is minimal while still giving me a space to drop any shit im up to #so im comfortable here #but uhhhh welp #guess i gotto stay off here too now since my tablet’s fucked LMAO #gummmyspeaks

[compacflt]

Sorry for the ridiculous ask (really it's unforgivable), but:

Iceman went to NYC to see A Chorus Line in '87.

2. Confirmed watched Sound of Music with Carole for her birthday.

Am I connecting any dots here and did Ice have to go to Hamilton as a publicity stunt in the last year of the Obama presidency?

oh no anon im being very intentional with my ice-musical-theatre links. its easy lazy writing shorthand for him being gay lol. even if he isn’t actively seeing shows he does put the tonys on in the background every year just bc he likes the color and dancing

he’s not a fan of rap and he doesn’t like how Hamilton bastardized american history for its own political aims thereby convincing multiple generations of laymen of factoids that simply aren’t true (Hamilton was strictly speaking not an immigrant & could only extremely loosely be called an abolitionist of any stripe) but he’s also a milquetoast liberal so he says he likes it for clout but he’s also a military flag officer so no one is really expecting him to go see Hamilton for publicity purposes so idk

the pentagon circa 2016:

#don’t ask me about Hamilton. It’s what got me into American/military history in the first place. i literally have so many thoughts. #I did a mil history book rec post a couple months ago & in it I said Ron Chernow sometimes makes shit up? #lin Manuel Miranda was inspired by chernows biography of Hamilton but chernow Just Made Shit Up!!!! #I feel about Hamilton the way I feel about the historicity of my own fics: do not take anything as a fact. every word is #politically motivated. not a bad thing #good rhetorical goals #but it’s a work of fiction. #i got started writing fanfiction by writing Hamilton fic in 8th grade 😭😭❤️ #they’re still up there!!! #on ao3!!! #still get kudos once a month or something #absolutely unreal #& I actually take all my cues of how to act in fandom spaces from one very popular historical Hamilton account on here #whom I’ve been following since 2017 #they’re the ones who proved to me that fanfiction could still be as heavy and well written as literature. #so really thank Hamilton for my fics and im not joking at all.

[ruporas]

wait. wait. wait. ive been staring at ur latest comic for awhile now and i think i've noticed something about the colors? which are amazing, first of all- just gotta get that out there cuz i adore that soft pink and deep green combo

but i just realized that throughout most of the comic u use both in equal parts it seems. to separate bg + fg and such, to highlight characters/objects, etc.

but then when vash gets back to their room, all the walls are that dark green. and, bit by bit, the pink totally falls off. by the end, it's nothing but constant dark green as vash starts to cry

but then wolfwood slams in and he's backed by that soft pink. and suddenly the comic is nothing BUT pink. soft lines and whites and gentle pink tones EVERYWHERE to just. SO tastefully highlight the little details.

LIKE. WAS THIS INTENTIONAL?! i almost wanna guess that it wasn't since all those green panels w vash crying are all closeups focused on his expression so it makes sense to just put the simple green behind it and all attention on him so the pink just isn't Needed

BUT AT THE SAME TIME THE EFFECT IS SO MASTERFUL THAT I WANNA BELIEVE IT WAS ABSOLUTELY INTENTIONAL

HEHE..... first of all, thank you for looking at my comic so closely, THAT'S LIKE... REALLY SWEET and a huge compliment to hear, thank u thank u

and yes, it was intentional, especially more towards the end!!! in general, the colors are meant to serve as a mood indicator, so a balance of them in a scene would just mean a neutral "okay-ness" and have a functional serve to separate background / foreground / subject matter... deep green signifies introspection or incoming sadness (especially on pg5 when vash cries), and pink signifies wolfwood, which, not an emotion but he is happiness, someone that helps vash lose his doubts in a matter of seconds -- which is why those last few pages are just pink white and lines, and the panels are gone for the majority of it. i wanted to show their unity and togetherness!

while vash still has his issues of just Not saying anything about his loneliness, his feelings are alleviated temporarily with wolfwood's presence and he's just grateful that his paranoia didn't become true, and that wolfwood is genuine, true to his word, when he means he'll be following vash/staying with him. even though it's mission-bound, vash would probably still feel guiltily comforted by that fact.

I'M GLAD IT WAS PARTICULARLY EFFECTIVE IN THIS COMIC because i definitely could've pushed it more... i figured it was a minor thing that not a lot of ppl would care for, but more ppl enjoyed it and noticed the colors than i thought, so i'm glad it worked out!!!

#asks #thank you for sending this!!! #and for being so observant and putting it into words -- its really sweet!!!! hehe #ok this bit here is a bit off topic but. i forgot to mention in my original tags. very minor hc but on #p4 when i drew their beds -- ww bed is the left one vash is the right one and his blankets are all folded #bc i feel like vash would develop habits of being able to leave somewhere quickly + abruptly. so he cleans up after himself #everytime he wakes up and has to leave for the day. i feel like he's ran into enough trouble that he's grown accustom to making #sure he's ready to dip whenever necessary. and id imagine he'd leave payment if he books a room for more than a night so when he has #to leave suddenly - the room owners get their pay still. just preparing stuff in advance to not make trouble for the kind ppl #that houses him. idk its a small thing! i just recall those times in the manga where after accidentally destroying a part of the town #vash makes sure to join the clean up crew and help build things up lmfao he takes responsibility. its cute #ww sees him do this for the first time once and goes “that's stupid. we're not going anywhere and we're staying for the 2 nights” #and then he'd realize soon enough that they do have to prepare to book it at any random point of the day if vash gets caught up in trouble #regardless he doesn't fold it all up like vash does since its not habitual to him and in a way hes testing vash to NOT run off and do smth #thatll get him in trouble during the day. rare hopefulness. when they start sharing beds wolfwood doesn't let him fold up the sheets #very minor thing hc sorry for rambling in This space hub all of a sudden. #in the comic also vash gets pink bg panels every time he calls out to wolfwood. happy happy #it's really not a long enough comic to push those aspects... but im glad it was noticed at all -- but ok ok im done done

[toastsnaffler]

everyone say thank u to my roommate for going to visit her parents this weekend so I can jack it loud and nasty 🙏

#i love her but there are some benefits to having the flat to myself.... love getting to wander around in just my boxers + a tshirt too #things i could do while she was still here if i wasnt a pussy 🙄 #jk itd just make her uncomfortable and im too respectful for that #having a lowkey crush on her is an endless comedy to me bc we would be so woefully incompatible romantically #and also sexually.. historically ive only ever stone topped bc ive never been comfortable enough w anyone to let them fuck me #despite very much Not being stone or exclusively a top. and i think shes some form of sex repulsed anyway so like. sits there dead silence #and also shes so in love with her other friends and i showed up late to that party.... ive been feeling kinda guilty lately bc ik- #she misses them a lot and wishes we'd be able to stay roommates w them too. and im a pretty poor replacement for them tbh #and i love spending time with her but whenever i do i feel kinda painfully aware im not them like i could never fill that space #and asking to hang out more with her always feels like im taking away from time she could be talking to them. or even being alone ik she- #likes her own company and i get that a lot too so its chill but ahh.. man #i dont mean this in a bitter or jealous way at all like theyre all such sweet ppl i couldnt ever hold it against them #theyre kind of a 3 headed cerberus type situation and im like. the stray puppy they found on the side of the road #theres nothing they can do differently i was just born to be alienated from other ppl forever until i die. and someday i hope ill- #finally get used to it and accept i wont ever feel like im enough for anyone else or feel like anything else is enough for me #old wounds healed over 5082 times that still hurt to touch but i cant help pressing my fingers into them anyway bc its a familiar pain etc #anyway lost where i was going with this its just been on my mind again recently. i hate to be pitied i hate to feel like im only included- #bc they didnt want me to feel left out i hate feeling like a shoddy secondhand stand-in and its been a lot of that lately #also been a little annoyed bc sometimes it feels like shes trying to micromanage my social life and girl. we're not close enough for that #im sure its well intentioned but im not part of what they have going on i cant compete in that ring so dont try to push me into it.. #ahhh. its all ok tho one of the guys is coming to visit next month which will be rly fun but ill try to give them some space too #its good at least im doing this processing now bc group situations can be spike traps of triggers for me sometimes #regardless of how good friends i am w ppl and ive already had a wobble a few weeks ago w how i cope and i dont want it to become a #fully fledged regular issue again bc its so hard to crawl back out of that pit. anyway losing coherence here im gonna stop rambling #and go make myself an early dinner and then back to drawing........ #sorry for long tags if ur reading this blows u a kiss but go find a better use of ur time girl!! #.diaries

[wasppilled]

one of the sad things about shifting interests/hyperfixations is that you kind of lose touch with some people who you talked to the most while you were both in the midst of shared interest

but on the other hand there is the beauty of both meeting new people related to your new interest, and if it's a recurring one, then reconnecting with people you knew from it before.

life is an ongoing cycle of this, i think. it's another aspect of meeting new people and falling in and out of touch. some people you may not get back in touch with again. you may have big group servers based on something and then you might lose interest and not speak to most of those people again.

but some people will always stick around in your life, even as your interests change. some you might not hear from for years but one day one of you reaches out and you will still be friends. maybe on the outskirts of your mind, maybe a long term tumblr mutual or someone you see once in a while. maybe an acquaintance, a "oh yeah I think I know a guy who...",

but theyre there.

and that's really meaningful to me.

#thinking thoughts! about friendship #in the depths of being into swtor again ive been feeling this #reconnecting with people more who i hadnt talked to much in years #though also kind of feeling a little more distant from irl friends because it's harder to talk abt my sw ocs to ppl w less of the context #but i still try to because they r my friends and i love them #of course i still talk about other things but its one of those things where like. #to not share such a thing that is taking up such a large part of your brain space? #can put some distance between u and other people #at least it feels that way #idk i am not making any judgements on what im doing here #i am just observing the way interests shape my relationships and interactions with friends etc #(geiger counter clicks)

[taegularities]

hope you're all liking the epilogue and that you enjoyed the whole series in general. thank you for giving it so much love and support. can't wait to share more 🤍

#i'll be completely honest #you guys n the love you give are the reason why i'm still here #bc there are days and weeks when i.... don'tenjoytumblranymore #it's not bc of interaction or anything bc my god you guys talk to me so much ily :( #but tumblr has changed... the bts fandom has changed. the dash is literally EMPTY #it feels so different from when i joined back early 2021... everyone was so happy and loud back then #and so enthusiastic about writing too... like i still fkn love writing all i write #but the level of excitement about writing has changed.. it's why i try to take it slower these days #my god i used to have a schedule lmao could never today 💀 #but yeah idk... sometimes im like... this isn't fun anymore and maybe it's time to give up #but that's exactly when y'all come thru and say something SUPER SWEET and i'm like.. wait ykw #i love this space.. it's still comfort and warmth #so yeah thank you for giving me hope and keeping me here you mean so much to me #the platform changes and sucks sometimes but you guys remain here and are as fucking kind as ever and #make this little community irreplaceable #i love you #and yeah. i just needed to get this off my chest bc it has been on my mind for rlly long #especially since those community labels butchered and changed interaction :/ like i just know the c&f family could've been #a lot bigger if not for the label on pt1.. could've really been one of the biggest stories around here but lol it is what it is !! the love #is overwhelming as it is so thank you <3 #okay that's way too long pls ignore me bye #tdl???

[cimeriansparrow]

My mom got mad at me this morning bc "I never talk to her," but every time we try to really talk, it turns into a massive fight (guess what happened 15 minutes ago)

I can't even ask questions without them eventually leading down a road where she keeps cutting me off and begins to yell at me. Obviously I'm taking a tone with you. Not only am I literally just speaking to you in the way that you speak to me, but being spoken down to for 22 years really teaches you that it doesn't matter How I speak to you, you won't ever Listen. Idk. I'm tired of living in a house where I can't even try to talk to my parents about the smaller stressors that I have.

Tried to bring up what's been going on the past few months bc she accused me of being depressed and lazy and. Yeah. I was depressed for 3 months. Thank you So much for noticing. It really speaks volumes to me that you didn't say anything about it while I was going through it?? I tried explaining that a new medication (that she knew I was taking!!! I told her when I switched to it!) Was causing me immense brain fog and seriously scary suicidal ideations that I did nearly act on.

And she got pissed and started yelling bc I never talk to her, and when I asked her to stop yelling she told me that she's gonna yell because she shouldn't be made to feel like this in her own house. She just went through a massive surgery and she's had to walk on eggshells around us when we should have been taking care of her (which we did. And it fucking tears me apart that she doesn't realize how much of my own life I've given up already to make sure she's been taken care of) and she's done with tiptoeing around all of us and she just kept going and going and going and going and going because she doesn't actually ever know when to fucking stop.

No shit we don't talk. Every single time I try to talk with you it ends up like this. With me trying to calm down after stepping away after you've accused me of some wild shit and when I come back to try to talk normally you're still yelling. In fact, you're more incensed than before.

For some reason she thinks adhd medication will fix everything. Like it's some sort of cure all and I don't have a decent handle on it. And every time I bring up that I've done some research and I feel like I might be on the autism spectrum she tells me that's stupid and people are making a trend of it and that's why I feel that way and I shouldn't think that because none of us (myself and two younger sisters) are autistic.

If none of this makes any sense to anyone reading, know that that's how Every Single conversation with her goes. If she's not in a good mood she's going to bring you down to her level of emotion. She will make it about her through the stupidest methods possible, and after being emotionally manipulated like that my entire life it's hard to see exactly what's going on because she comes at you so fast.

#my post #i know that I'm already forgetting things about it bc every time this happens my brain is trying to protect itself i guess #so i block out what went on so that i can continue living in this shitty ass fucking house with these shitty fucking people #and i try to avoid them most of the time and that's still not enough #because then it gets me in trouble later #i don't know what to do anymore #i can't live here but i can't leave #like i literally can't leave. #i don't have the money and no one will take care of my stinky awful cat that i wouldn't be able to bring anywhere with me #and i like my room #and i know that's stupid for everything i have to deal with but i finally created a semi safe space for just Me #(and the cat. i want her litterbox out eventually so my room won't smell) #but i finally have my own space #i grew up sharing a room and people always barge into my area but it's My Area #i don't want to leave that im worried that they'll get rid of all of my things if i have to leave some stuff behind #I'm too stressed for this to be a safe environment to keep living in though #i don't know what to do #I'm scared

[vagueiish]

community is such a fucking farce. no one person is gonna want me around when i have nothing to offer; there’s simply no way i’m going to find a group of people who love and accept me for who i am bc who i am is a whole lot of nothing

#nobody cares #nobody cares unless you have something to offer then it’s like #‘no ha ha don’t be sad #you’re hot/youre smart/you art good/etc #we appreciate you :)’ #and when you’ve got nothing people just get bummed out by your vibes and ask if you can be sad somewhere else #assuming they deign to notice #idek why im still here anymore #i cant even be useful. i got nothing #‘oh great’ people think irritably when i enter a space. ‘it’s *you*’ #so why keep entering spaces???? #why keep taking up space at all????? #who even cares? #who would even notice? #what a sad fucking existence where i could stop taking up space and nobody would notice its emptiness #i am nothing. i contribute nothing. and my presence means nothing. #hit the nothing trifecta i did #at least im good at sucking at life. or something

[toaster-selfships]

I normally don't make vent posts on this blog(even though no one really sees this blog anyways) but I'm going to completely spill in the tags ✌️JCJDJSJ

#i swear i used to be able to gush so much #and then a bunch of stuff happened and now i feel a weird feeling in my stomach every time i do it #it just feels like its a waste of time or no one really cares about what im saying #i talk with a selfshipping friend on discord and they gush all the time and i feel like i can never get a word in #i still gush a bunch but i just feel like im taking up space and time whenever i vocalize it #i feel like no one cares #like normally if youre friend is into something you care about that something as well a little or have some compassion for iy #cause its important to your friend so it has some value to you as well #i feel like there is zero value or care or compassion for what i say #but like...especially with gushing #i so wish i could describe the feeling or have words for it cause its such a unique feeling that i havent entirely felt before #i feel like theres never any room for me to talk. like theres only enough time for others to talk and nothing left over for me #or like im constantly interrupting every conversation even if its dead silent and we havent talked in an hour #or like i always bring it up at a bad time #i used to be able to gush so much and so freely but now i feel like i feel bad after every time i do it #even sometimes i feel bad gushing HERE. on MY blog that is for SELFSHIPPING and gushing and talking about my F/Os #sometimes i have trouvle even tryint to gush cause it feels like i dont even know what to say anymore cause i hardly ever get to do it #like everything is always about someone else and never about me