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...ugh, i know i'm setting myself up for disappointment. i'm already looking ahead thinking 'oh, this is gonna be great, i'm gonna learn this instrument and i'm gonna start writing songs and it's gonna rock!'

it's like, my guy, you own three instruments already you never took the time to learn. you know fuckall about music theory and writing tunes, your ability with words has atrophied to the point where your lyrics would sound like they were painted on a cave wall by grug and associates, and anyway, what do you even have to write about? temper thine expectations

#one of my earliest 'when i grow up i wanna be....' was Rockstar #i have no illusions about becoming any kind of Star at this point #but maybe tempering my expectations to the point where i expect nothing of myself is uh.....detrimental #draining. even. #so how does one achieve balance? #to the void with love

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wait, shit, i might get my bass today, according to the tracking information :0

#i was lowkey freaking out bc i thought it'd come in like wednesday #and like a fool i had it shipped directly to me vs doing pickup from fedex location #and theres a chance i'd have a bass and amp and so on sitting in front of my door for hours lmao #but. no. i might have it today. and soon...... #to the void with love

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TWIN PEAKS | 2.10

#twin peaks #tv tag #gifs

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it does kinda suck that going to movies has largely stopped being The Thing it used to be

like, yeah, holy shit, tickets are expensive (esp if you can't swing earlier shows which i really can't most days) and the food prices make some fuckin sports stadium food prices look almost reasonable. but it's also nice to see a movie with the theater sound systems and on a big screen with minimal distractions. in the dark. it feels different than watching at home, idk

#i saw alien in the theater for alien day! #i have no idea if i've actually seen it before or if i just knew all the major beats via cultural osmosis lol #good fuckin flick tho #but. also. im also less inclined to drop movie theater money bc i dont really pay attention to new movies anymore #which is definitely a me thing lol #i'd rather see more old flicks in theater vs going to see new ones. stuff ive seen and stuff i havent #get the chance to see old favorites/classics *properly* #.....on the other hand the theater i went to no longer had an arcade and idk man. that shit made me sad #there was a bar in its place :( #makes more money i guess. but.... the vibe....... #to the void with love

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#them <3 #bloodborne #bideo gaems #gifs

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i also just signed up for classes for fall semester after taking this semester off...

maybe i'm just setting myself up for failure. or maybe i'll finally start to get my shit sorted, idfk

#maybe there's some small part of me that Still Believes In Myself #why has it not been crushed like little bug beneath the weight of all this bullshit i put myself through? #is like a flea. or some kind of mutated cockroach #to the void with love

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...yeah, so, i bought the bass.... it'll be here next week......

anyone sees this, check in with me in like a month and if i haven't at least gotten like... idfk, the psycho killer bassline down pat, feel free to ridicule me

#psycho killer is decidedly not tool #but the bassline is still p fuckin iconic innit? #to the void with love

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(obligatory 'reblob for sample size', but tbh, there'll be something poetical about the inevitable 0 votes result, so....)

#ooh no time left.....

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Another point for why it’s important to own your own copies of music and media, and not use streaming services, is because the copy you own can’t be taken back.

(This is also a good time to remind people that yout*be to mp3 converters still exist).

#:000 #for future reference tag

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the main thing making me hesitate, even bigger than the money, is like.... is this something i genuinely want to do and will stick with? or is this one of those adhd impulses where i buy it and maybe give it the ol' college try for a good week or so until the magic of novelty wears off and it all just ends up taking up space i can't spare and collecting dust?

i've started a million and one things i simply don't stick with - which is on me, i haven't built up the consistency needed to git gud at anything, rip - and i dunno, man, past experience suggests that all i'm gonna end up doing is dropping hundreds of dollars straight into a flaming pit if i buy the thing. it might be wiser to just save the money, pick something i own/have access to already to become proficient in, build up the consistency muscle, and then later get a bass if i'm still feeling it

on the other hand.... b... bass guitar...

this is the bass i'm looking at and honestly, with each passing second, it's harder and harder not to just pull the trigger on it (and an amp and necessary accessories) right now, lmao

i really don't even have to wait until my check comes in, i could dig into my 'idek what i'm actually saving for' savings and still have cash to spare..... ugh......

#choices.....choices.... #to the void with love

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this is the bass i'm looking at and honestly, with each passing second, it's harder and harder not to just pull the trigger on it (and an amp and necessary accessories) right now, lmao

i really don't even have to wait until my check comes in, i could dig into my 'idek what i'm actually saving for' savings and still have cash to spare..... ugh......

#i mean. i have ideas about what im saving for #a way out of this place eventually #(it's a godsend to not to have to pay rent but being here......bad for the ol memtal helf yknow?) #top surgery eventually #but those are all... far away and big huge Maybes. i could have a bass by next week #i could be butchering swamp song as soon as next week guys..... #to the void with love

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an idea i find incredibly unhelpful is 'you wouldn't talk that way to your friends, would you? no? then don't talk to yourself that way!'

i mean. no shit i would strive to not talk to/about anyone i care for the way i talk about myself. not only would it be cruel, but it'd also be fundamentally extremely unfair. i don't know them well enough to judge them the way i do me, nor will i ever. i don't know their situation, what's led to them being the way they are, what's going on in their heads, etc, so to hold them to the standards i have for myself? that'd be garbage of me, through and through, and even if snap judgments come up sometimes because I Am Human, I try not to let it linger, yknow?

whereas i know myself. i know who i ought to be, where i should be by now, every way in which i'm found lacking, all that jazz. it's two completely different situations, so i personally don't find the idea helpful in the slightest

#if you do though more power to you! #whatever works etc #we're ignoring whether i find my current situation good and cool and my current way to trot at all helpful lol #ugh. though thinking about it maybe something like 'would you talk to your 12 year old self like that' would be more appliciable to me #applicable* #like. fuck no. id take her away and we'd go play video games together and shit #and we'd make stupid little stick figure comics and finally get those guitar lessons we wanted #........ #to the void with love

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(obligatory 'reblob for sample size', but tbh, there'll be something poetical about the inevitable 0 votes result, so....)

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(obligatory 'reblob for sample size', but tbh, there'll be something poetical about the inevitable 0 votes result, so....)

#?????

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(obligatory 'reblob for sample size', but tbh, there'll be something poetical about the inevitable 0 votes result, so....)

#nothingn hinges on this btw #just curious i suppose

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i’m envious of people who are able to do something constructive with their pain, yknow? i mean, i’m aware that the whole ‘depressed artist making more beautiful art’ thing is largely bullshit, and (for example) van gogh made his best stuff while on an upswing and not while drowning in it, but…. he still put it into his art. it still informed how he saw the world, didn’t it? and whatever else about him, his art is fucking beautiful

meanwhile i’m over here, saddled with feelings i haven’t earned (meaning i have no real reason to feel this way, not like… ‘i’m too good a person, i don’t deserve this, blah blah’. like. people who have gone through worse are doing more, what fucking excuse do i have???) and i don’t even have the decency to produce anything with any of them

#i hope i dont come across as trying to glamorize this shit? #just…frustrated #to the void with love

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seeing good art and knowing i’ll never make anything on that level, even if i were to stop the wallowing and try, is a suckish feeling

#like. im already rethinking buying a bass because #i want to try for tool basslines?? like some kind of fool??? #and i saw a fanart earlier that was like ‘oh. shit. that’s gorge! #…..man. i’d never be able to even conceptualize something like that’ #‘even if I didn’t lack the technical skill i’d still lack the brains to come up with good shit’ #i mean. the big idea i have if i could draw is a comic of samara morgan from the ring as an assassin #with rocket launchers and shit #that’d be dope in the right hands. but those hands are Not Mine #and it’s probably already been done lol i’m just too chicken to look it up because f i’m proven right….. #idk. i should be good at something by now right? #but i’m not #to the void with love