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hhjs · 3 years

Text

love or lack thereof.

pairing — felix x reader

genre / trope — angst, fluff / exes with benefits.

word count — 7.7k

warnings — suggestive, heavy implications, swearing, some making out but no actual r rated stuff but i will say this is suitable for 18 and up audiences.

note — this is unedited, subject to change. spare me lol

There are two sides to every person. The side that you want people to see and the side that you keep to yourself.

You think you've come to discover all those aspects of Lee Felix. Given that he's sweet, unassuming and inexplicably kind to the naked eye but you know, the rising anger in you knows he's only ever been cruel to you.

"Move," you seethe, he moves to let you in but you unintentionally knock your shoulder against his. There's people on the subway, and you hate the way Felix's innocent gaze finds yours for a second and it makes you look like the bad guy.

You feel the disapproving glare of a grandma who has a crumpled catalogue about seasonal pie recipes on her lap, as if she can't believe how much of a cunt you were being to an absolute stranger.

A roll of eyes follows, fishing for your ear phones, if only they knew.

Seeing your ex boyfriend outside of your casual deal hits you with the force of a punch to the gut. But you hid it exceptionally well. Arrogantly jutting your chin upwards. Whilst he cowers beside you, having supposedly caught your sour mood.

To think you had spent an hour with him in a bedroom just formerly...is rather strange. You've been sleeping with him for the past few months now and where it had begun is slightly mysterious to you — was it Chan's birthday party or a clubbing gone wrong one night stand just after Felix had come back to town....? You aren't entirely sure.

Albeit the arrangement is ingrained in your head — what you have with him is a secret strictly kept from your friends who otherwise if even caught air of a mere conversation between you two would invite an influx of queries. This is simple, physical, you don't have time for a relationship, let alone one with him and to mend how utterly lonely you are with someone who hasn't already seen you naked, someone who you couldn't blindly trust, is too much work.

Even though Felix is indubitably affected by your unwavering indifference, something he wasn't used to when you were together because of how giving you were to sate his utterly needy tendencies. Now he feels himself clawing at your hardened exterior in search of just those affections to no actual avail —hurt crossing his eyes when you sneak out of bed without saying goodbye, when days pass and you don't call or text and most importantly, when you're in public and you can't be bothered to spare him as much as a glance. To you, it's nothing more and nothing less. You make it a necessity to keep reminding him.

See you liked to pretend you're a resilient person. That in your heart you really do forgive people and move on.

But he is an exception.

"Did you eat?" He perks up, his voice is small. Careful.

You keep your stoic expression, looking ahead. "No."

Then he blinks, like he usually does when he doesn't understand why you act the way you do. Impolite, communicating only in monosyllables.

Do you really hate him that much?

There's a hoodie pulled over his black hair, longer along the neck,headphones dangling from his neck and his backpack in his hand, he hopes when he holds onto the same railing as you are, that your fingers should brush just a little.

Despite the way you adamantly ignore him, Felix opens his mouth to utter a passing inquiry. Your jaw clenches. And you desperately begin to scan the city map plastered inside to navigate passengers to their destinations.

"Can we...do you want to get something to eat..." He swallows, "together?"

As if he's crazy for even making such a proposition, you look at him once but from the corner of your eye and he thinks that's a lot considering how often you look past him, through him, never at him. You shake your head, giving him a warning stare.

Across from you, his reflection is frowning at your negative response. Still staring at you with a marveling gleam in his eyes, how much you've changed over the past two years just as he has....still takes him by surprise. Suddenly and unexpectedly, his eyes flicker to yours and he finds you staring at his image against the glassed doors. And like a deer caught in headlights, your heart drops to the depths of your stomach.

The announcement above falls deaf to your ears as you exit in a blind rush of sheer panic. Ignoring the biting cold and unfamiliar station. Your stop is still quite far. Maybe you'd have to take the taxi... or walk.

But in the face of all those hassles you sense yourself feeling incredibly relieved...because frankly, you think, you could go to hell and back if gets you away from him.

—

"So you came to tell me you're just gonna give up? Is that it?"

Felix carefully glances at you through his lashes, silently pursing his lips as to convey the answer.

You stare at the speckles of light kissing up his freckled cheeks, his big beaming eyes, a slightly low bridge but rounded tip of his nose paired with a small upturned mouth.

You can't believe you won't see him again.

Whenever he'd catch a break, he'd take the 2 hour bus to town and come see you, meet you and those once in six months meetings alone, to you, compensated for his lengthy absence.

So it couldn't be the distance, you thought, if that were the case he'd have dumped you when he moved to the capital for university.

Felix just doesn't want to be with you anymore.

"You don't get it...." He closes his eyes, as if he doesn't want to see himself saying what he is about to say, you almost don't get the resistance in his tone. The subtle drop of his Adam's apple. "I don't want to hurt you." He starts, "Just think about this rationally... we're so young, what if I find someone else there?"

Someone...else?

Is it that easy to dispose of you? Aren't you enough?

How foolish of you to only ever think of him.

It felt like Felix was kicking you where knew would hurt the most.

Your sardonic laugh is cracked, garbled and it's so fucking embarrassing that you're crying in the middle of a fast food joint, your fries have gone cold. Had you known seeing him this time would be vastly different from usual, you wouldn't have ordered at all. Why didn't he tell you before? Why had he insisted on catching you unawares?

But then again...this isn't about you at all. This is about Lee Felix. This is about him reducing your worth to make room for himself.

Ultimately, you understand, what is worse than not being loved back is being loved by someone who doesn't love you as much as you do them.

"Well I won't stand in your way then,"

You clear your throat,

"Fuck..." you rub your temple, the sadist in you coughing up hysterical laughs. The ache inside your heart at this point has turned into physical pain, cracks fissuring out against its surface and gnawing at the flesh like its being torn apart at the seams.

You should've seen this coming.

Everyone told you and told you you could only drag on an opposites attract sort of relationship for so long before you start to realise how incompatible you are.

Felix has the audacity to reach over and place his fingertips on your knuckles,his eyes are sad, overflowing with pity. It makes you feel small, the way he looks at you, small, sad and abandoned.

What tips you over the edge, however, is how calm he seems, as if he had been precisely planning to dump you for days and months and years while you continue to make a fool out of yourself never have forseen his decision.

There are tears running down your cheeks, abusing your vision with a vicious sting. You bring your sleeve to collect the needless moisture in a sudden rise of temper that is oh so typical of you.

You snatch your hand away from his touch.

"Don't touch me." You say, the simple comment transfers pain to Felix's eyes, mouth parting in silent words. You want to scream at him, you want to shake him by the collar and tell say something, just say anything at all and I will forgive you. Goddamnit.

In a perfect world, you think, a world where things happened exactly the way they should, you wouldn't have said, instead,

"And don't you fucking dare come back here...ever again."

And...in that very perfect world, he would've listened.

—

Felix thinks he could, dare he say, love everything about you. Even though you most certainly deserve someone who hasn't hurt you the way he has.

Now it's funny actually, how the tables have turned...back then, he wasn't sure about you and now you aren't about him.

Felix doesn't really blame you though...because he knows he asked for it.

Your presence in his life has somehow become an absolute necessity to say the least. And ironically enough, while he had so confidently pushed you to let go of him, he realises he had been holding onto you all along.

Now what was he saying...again?

Right. Felix loves everything about you.

But what he loves most...is the way your hand instinctively finds his heart when you're kissing. It's just a simple movement of your fingers splaying against his chest, the warmth of them seeping through the fabric of his shirt. He doesn't even know why it means so much to him.

His hand drops from your ass to the back of your thighs to situate you closer to his chest. He moans into the kiss when your teeth comes to scrape against his bottom lip, your ministrations are typically rough and speedy but he is seemingly far too absorbed by the exhilarating feeling coursing throughout his entire form — it's not just blatant lust, he knows, but a much deeper understanding that he is inexplicably gladdened by the fact that he's touching you and you're touching him.

A shaky breath leaves Felix's parted lips as he cranes his neck to allow your lingering kisses to shift along his angular jaw.

Then without quite meaning to, his vision focuses on the table clock that reads it's well past midnight...you had run late tonight for reasons you neglected to disclose. Now that he really focuses, a strong musky fragrance akin to unfamiliar men's cologne wafts up his nostrils.

It couldn't be....

As Felix's suspicions run deeper, he restlessly begins to search up every aspect of his surroundings as best as he can in the limited provision of light. There is a large coat discarded on his bed, one he hasn't seen you wear before...then again it might not be yours at all...

You notice how he's stopped responding to you, so you pause, leaning back, still on his lap. "Is something the matter?"

Felix swallows, blinking up innocently at you. This deal is simple, isn't it? He knew what he was getting into the first time you got together and the second and the third and so on, so why had the possibility of you getting involved with someone else even bother him then?

Both of you knew why.

And what's worse is that Felix is sensitive by nature, never truly succeeding to hide his emotions, especially intense ones when faced with them. So he is hyper aware of the fact that what he is feeling in the moment is not jealousy, it's neither anger nor resentment but a deep seated insecurity that he will lose you.

Again.

"Were you...with someone?"

As expected, your hands resign from cupping his face, you avoid looking at him.

"What?"

Felix clears his throat, his accent thicker, voice heavy from disuse. He thinks about something being with you in the same way only he has...and it causes a dull ache inside his chest.

He rests his head back against the sofa and shrugs lazily. As if to prove a point, as if to say did he touch you here? his fingers ride up your t shirt, gently cupping your ribs, he tries not to look too satisfied when you quiver under the touch.

Still you lift yourself up and the sudden lack of contact almost makes him whine.

You stand before him. A hand at your hip.

"Why are you acting like this?" You say and he notes you sound more... curious than annoyed. Though what frustrates him is that you hadn't answered his question. "I thought I made myself clear...there are rules we agreed upon."

Oh he knows — no staying over, no personal questions, no jealousy.

Felix purses his lips. The downside of your forwardness, the same utterly admirable trait he finds really fucking hot, the one that conditions you to tell Minho off when he hogs all of Felix's brownies though the latter himself is too much of a pushover to say anything, the same one which had in times of recurring doubtfulness assured him of your strong feelings towards him, is that you say whatever comes to mind without sparing anyone's feelings.

"I'm just asking, [........]," he lies, trying to control the pain from projecting itself onto his voice. It hurts to see the way you jump to defend yourself around him, as though you're scared he'll hurt you again. The lack of faith you have him, after all this time, causes him hurt. "Why are you getting so upset...."

Felix is gentle. Communicating his feelings through his actions rather than words, cooly, slowly. And you are the exact opposite — there is an immediacy in your conveyance, a roughness. You mean what you say and you say what you mean so you think everyone does too. Which is why, he concludes, his present actions are insufficient to remove the seeds of resentment he'd left in the wake of his bitter utterances when you broke up.

But Felix was only 18 then, a kid completely unaware of his overwhelming need to have you in his life....what matters is, he's trying...he really is, to recover from his mistakes......shouldn't that least matter?

Thinking the slight inhibition in his tone is just a figment of your imagination and that he is simply and indifferently inquiring you, you feel a wave of embarrassment wash over you. Then you drop down on the bed, feeling for his remote.

You sniff through your nose and against your better judgement say, "I went out with an acquaintance,"

On weekends Chan usually wasn't home, you could come over. This is the routine, it has been for some time now...so, you've come to know Felix's room more intimately than your own, the walls are a deep blue, like the kind of blue out of a Holly Warburton painting. There's an old Coldplay poster on the back of his door and X-Men action figures from eons ago lined on the edges of his bookshelf.

You know where everything goes when though it's dark. But that doesn't mean anything.

It shouldn't.

"A acquaintance who gave you their coat midwinter...you must be close,"

You ignore his pointed comment, he ignores the way your eyes light up when you talk about this acquaintance.

"He's nice." You say, "He walked me to the station and everything."

A happy hum comes in response.

Because when was the last time you talked to him as freely as you are?

Felix plops down on his stomach beside you, elevating his form on his elbows. His fingers come to brush loose strands out of your eyes. Your gaze meets his for the second time that week. Slower. As if you hadn't minded looking him this time. He feels his heart being tugged at all possible angles.

Then, because he can't stop himself — he leans down and kisses you, tentative and indolent, like he has all the time in the world, like all he wants to do is kiss. Don't get him wrong...you've done downright unspeakable things with him, to him...but nothing mediates his adoration for you without the employment of speech like these little chaste...purposeless movements. His fingers coming to splay against your neck, thumbing along your throat when you gulp, the tip of your nose brushing against his cheekbone, eyes fluttering shut. They're...they're intimate. Utterly special. He knows you feel it too, from the way you look slightly surprised, searching his face, eyes skimming up any fragment of emotion conveyed in his features. But you don't encourage it, slowly shifting to turn your back as you lay quietly against his chest.

"Let me stay here tonight," you say, "I'm tired."

"Okay,"

Felix thinks you've broken not one, but two rules now. He hadn't expected you to answer. He hadn't expected you to get into bed with no intention of departing either.

Though he doesn't hold it against you, this is what he wants, for you to open up to him again...after all. These changes can't be bad changes, even if they are little, it's still progress...right?

—

You wet your fingers, dipping the moistened muscle against the clay mold. All around you is not as eerily quite as it is in your apartment, footsteps thrumming against hardwood floor, kiddish humming from the kitchen, the smell of sugar in the air, you've never worked outside of your home station and well...in class. You thought of yourself as a self sufficient individualist, you liked to believe that you didn't enjoy other people's company like you did your own, with the exception of your roommate. But that's only since you aren't close enough for her to disturb you.

Yet with Soomi moved out for good, the place felt...odd to stay by yourself.

So you found yourself spending more and more time at Felix's. It's nice to have a place to crash in every now and then, the sex is great and when you get hungry after, you don't have to think twice about scouring the fridge.

You don't know why you put off spending time aside from sleeping together at all, more time spent didn't necessarily add to your deal or subtract from it....because the action itself doesn't really mean anything. Everyone gets tired of being alone at some point. That's a universal fact.

Initially, you told yourself your presence was a consequence of Chan catching you two in the shower one night...so now that the cat's out of the bag, you two figured his place could become the only premise you didn't have to play pretend in. You both knew the elder would be more than willing to keep the younger's secret even if he didn't exactly approve of it.

With the increased frequency of your visits, bits and pieces of you remain dispersed all throughout the apartment, your body wash in his bathroom, your underwear in his laundry, the smell of you in his sheets, on his clothes. You had relaxed yourself through the periphery of his life and he had small glimpses of yours, habits and flaws, unknowingly...or knowingly....whatever. — Felix could only thank God that Chan had found out, in spite of the revelation itself putting you both in a compromising position.

With time, he starts to keep a few secrets from you too, here and there, knowing that if you knew you will stop doing it altogether. He can't have that...

You throw a leg around his hip when you're fast asleep, flinging an arm not a second later to cage him in your warm embrace. Felix likes the way your chest rises and falls against his back, how your breath tickles his skin and your mouth parts against his shoulder blade. Sometimes he stays awake and waits for you to do it, then when you do, he grins so hard his face hurts a little. Felix likes being the little spoon.

"Are you listening?"

His vision narrows down to the sight of you holding out your palms in the air, there's wet clay on them, as well on your cheek and legs, between them your pottery wheel is halted to desuetude, there's old newspapers layering the floorboard to prevent staining.

"Sorry...," he smiles sheepishly, "What did you say?"

It's your turn to shift your gaze to your feet. Felix thinks it's highly uncharacteristic, the way you seem almost...shy?

"Can you..." You eye the mug mounted on his study desk, he catches onto your request easily, "I'm thirsty—"

"Yeah yeah hold on... careful," Felix chirps, carefully guiding the rim to your lips to make sure it doesn't spill. He uses the tip of his thumb to wipe the corner of your mouth, you flinch first but then whilst the mild shock subsides, simply stare up at him as the pad of his thumb brushes against your skin. "There you go..." he trails, eyes bright with care.

You feel like a child being doted on, the mere emotion plunging you back to when you were 5 and had crushes on boys who shared skittles with you.

"Thanks."

Felix's ears perk up at the courtesy, you were never one to express yourself easily and when you did, every time, he felt inexplicably delighted.

The apples of your cheeks feel hot for some reason, by putting yourselves in in these small situations, you keep confusing him, you know, because you keep confusing yourself too.

You come out again that night but this time Bang Chan is shifting around in the kitchen. He hardly sleeps, you observe, but probably refusing to come out because he wanted to avoid bumping into you.

Chan doesn't seem to like you very much. Probably. You don't blame him. Before you came along, Felix and he spent more time together, now you had become a constant in his life without will.

You have to listen twice to realise he's speaking with you. Not an invisible being behind you.

"What?"

"I said..." His tone dropped dangerously low, he looks annoyed at something. "Listen I don't care what you're doing but don't hurt him." He's wearing a black t shirt and a pair of pajama shorts with cartoon wolves littered all across the baby blue fabric. He's trying to appear intimidating. It's not really working.

You stifle a laugh.

Frankly had you not known how deeply he cared for Felix, you'd not have cared about his advice. Or warning....?

"Fine," you respond, watching as the tension visibly left his body with one bating breath. "I hope this isn't about me stealing your yoghurt though."

"It's a little about stealing my yoghurt," he jokes, you think he's one of those people who'd apologise if you punched them in the face and spat in their drink. It's interesting...

Chan laughs a little. His eyes sparking with amusement for the first time of all the times he's looked at you. Did he trust your word that much?

—

"He talks about you a lot you know,"

You nearly spit out your drink. Seungmin isn't exactly the densest guy you know. Far from it exactly and he isn't discreet either. So your first instinct is to think he knows something.

You watch Felix from a distance, a solo cup in hand, he's laughing at something Hyunjin said, there's a crinkle along the bridge of his nose and his upper lip curls upwards to reveal his teeth. In reality, in everyone's eyes, your lives are separate. They walk on eggshells around you still...you assure yourself there's no way anyone could've guessed.

So you play dumb, glugging the whiskey into your cup. It spills around the edges, landing on the semi-lit neon counter.

"Who?"

Seungmin blinks at you. An unreadable expression on his face.

"Jisung." He says, "Who else?"

You feel yourself getting less excited, the breath you were unconsciously holding passing your entire form. Jisung is the newest addition to your life, a performing arts student who offered to portrait model for a project you'd been given in class. He's cute, forward, which you like a lot. And you notice whilst using him for inspiration, that he looks at you just as attentively as you had at him.

Only for different reasons.

Jisung asks for your number. You say yes. Half-heartedly. Though at the forefront of your mind you keep comparing everyone to the guy you go home to ever so often, you pick out their flaws and their perfections and you think to yourself he isn't like this, he is like this.

"Yeah?" You pose, sipping and wincing. "What did he say?"

"Just the usual stuff...." Seungmin tilts his head, he's not drinking tonight because he has an exam tomorrow. You think it's a little funny that he's carrying around water in a solo cup. "But I can tell he has the hots for you,"

You laugh this time. That's no surprise to you. "Well he's not so bad himself."

Seungmin narrows his eyes, shooting you a suspicious look.

"Of course you'd say that...." He taunts, "Heard you guys hung out...how was that by the way?"

"It was alright. Sort of just...happened. We bumped into each other and he offered to buy me dinner."

"And you...said yes?"

You give him a blank look, sarcasm dripping from your monotonous sentences, how else would you have spent time together?

"No, I didn't, Seungmin,"

The owner of the name rolls his eyes at your satirical comment, "No need to be mean, I'm just a little surprised is all."

"Surprised?"

You raise an eyebrow, Felix is still in your line of sight, it looks like he's stalling, waiting for your conversation to end so you could leave. He glances at you a few times and you quickly text him a 5 more minutes. "Why's that?"

"Cause every time you start to have feelings for someone, you take one step forward and ten steps back," he points out, "Think about it...you haven't been in like an....actual relationship after...well, you know," he postulates.

You glare at Seungmin, your pride somewhat injured.

"Hey! I've....dated."

"No....you slept around with people, that's not the same as dating." He retorts.

You snort.

Wouldn't you know.

Minho changes an upbeat pop song to something mellow. It's in a foreign language...maybe Spanish, you understand nothing but you don't have to to know it's a sad tune, the lyrics coming together in a melancholic harmony. Your eyes drift away, you feel your attention falter.

It was not unknown for you to have absolute control over your life, be it living your days by strict routine or building such a sturdy pretentious armour around yourself so that your organic self remained unscathed underneath. You had learnt the hard way that being yourself in front of other people would only bring you hurt...but if no one really knew you, no one could hurt you.

This game of hide and seek had become such a long standing practise in your life that it disconnected who you are from who you pretended to be. And every time the extent of your actual desires, monsters much beyond your control rose to the surface, they brought you shame, disgust.

You found those pretences withering away, the shell of protection around you falling apart whenever the thought of Felix crossed your mind. — his heavy noise of content against your neck, his fingers curling into your sheets, his open mouthed kiss against the arch of your hipbone, everything and anything...you had again, despite all your abrasions, become madly consumed by him.

And you must admit to yourself that you are becoming quite ridiculous because of it.

In this strange moment, you realise you almost need Felix to harp on about you even though you specifically asked him to keep all that you have a secret. You want his friends to come scurrying to you to start telling you that he cares so much he can't keep his mouth shut, to be so enamoured with you that his innermost feelings become painfully apparent, that it's utterly stupid of you to not see how he feels about you.

That's not how it goes though. Stuff like that only happens in movies.

Felix responds, texting, "Take all the time you need." Surprised, you steal a glimpse of him, but only when Seungmin isn't looking. You didn't know what you expected, something more crude, that would give away that he was jumping on the balls of his feet to only get into your pants, that would remind you that Felix is nothing but your fuck buddy. You find that you always look for reasons to resent him....because if you did, it meant that you didn't have to acknowledge how you're still in love with him.

You knew what you were in for. And hoping, wanting something more....is no more than wishful thinking.

Felix smiles at you, a genial smile, a simple curve along the corner of his lips which conveys patience, but also something deeper, like...understanding.

Again no matter how much you pushed him away he seemed to find his way back to you in some fashion, just to convey that your union is not all as black and white as you told yourself it was.

You down the entire drink in one swig. Seungmin makes a face at you, the kind he makes when you stick your fries in ice cream for shits and giggles,

"Well....we broke up a long time ago," You hiss at the awful taste stinging your throat, sounding slightly angry. You can't believe it matters still, but when you've been clutching onto something for too long, be it a painful emotion or a memory...you start to think it's the locus of your life, an integral part of you. It terrifies you to think who you'd become without it — vulnerable, malleable, sensitive.

You can't do that again.

The last few weeks, regardless of how good they were, didn't change a thing.

It couldn't. You wouldn't let it.

Seungmin is right, you think, you are taking ten steps back. Just not in the context he thought.

"There's no reason I shouldn't start now."

—

Turns out there is a reason.

Jisung asks you out the next day. He's so friendly that you feel overwhelmed. At all times of the day, he dresses like a frat boy out on his morning jog. A nike running shirt and loose fitted trousers, a baseball cap worn the other way around...it's a little silly.

You don't mind it, having the kind of apathy you would have towards someone you don't know very well.

Everything with him feels new, awkward. But also slightly exciting. He talks too much when he's nervous and you notice that he's almost always nervous because of your personality, as though he can't really put a finger on you and doesn't know what to do about it. Besides...he’s not a horrible kisser either, you muse, he just doesn’t know what you want.

Yet whenever you heard yourself thinking those compliments, you couldn't help but feel utterly guilty, a strangely deep seated feeling that you were doing something wrong.

Why did you feel this way....

Felix isn't your boyfriend anymore. You don't owe him any form of loyalty. You knew that. You're someone who sticks to their gut feelings and your gut had decided that something about seeing Jisung didn't feel right and not just because of Felix, but because you're not interested in a relationship just yet. And you're sure he could tell you aren't, he shouldn't quite expect a call back anytime soon.

"I had a nice time," you say, because it's true. He took you out for ice cream and bought you candy floss when you stared at it for too long.

When Jisung doesn't respond for a hot minute, you follow his trail of vision, which instead of focusing on you, has shifted to the semi-lit backdrop of your apartment. He's too obvious.

"Do...you want to come in?"

He flounders a little at your suggestion, embarrassed. "Would that be alright?....if I did...."

"That depends, are you gonna kill me?"

You say with a straight face. No matter much Jisung prodded at your exterior, you wouldn't budge, like you usually hadn't. Unravelling isn't really your thing so....he can't tell if you're kidding or not.

"No...?"

You snort, "Why do you sound so unsure?"

Jisung's face has grown impossibly red, he could feel his ears burning in indescribable shame. You just have this air about you that makes you incredibly hard to read and it's really attractive.

"I....I didn't..."

You keep your voice, steady, calm, "Relax," "I'm just screwing with you," you say, stepping aside for him to enter, "Make yourself at home."

—

You suppose you were born to study the arts.

You never could consider yourself a studious being. When you were in school, you remember falling behind in classes where the arduous process of revising was required, say mathematics or the sciences even.

Though that realisation hadn't come to you naturally.

Your parents wouldn't take kindly to you not taking up a "well paying" profession and you fell victim to the constant barrage of criticisms, of mockery which ultimately conditioned you to think some part of you, a large part just wasn't good enough.

And with Felix gone....

You were at your worst.

The two years you spent without him were the hardest, a set of years that obliged you to protect yourself from all the hurt around you, inside you. And while the security that you provided yourself is undoubtedly necessary for well...anyone, the process itself had its wicked way of rendering you unspeakably lonely.

You agreed to apply as an engineering major to gain your parents' approval and then transferred to the arts department by the time you'd successfully moved out. You haven't spoken to them ever since...and it hurt you more than you would deign to admit.

When your mum drops over for a surprise visit and chances upon your ex-boyfriend loitering about in your kitchen, fixing up midnight munchies, she takes a natural guess that you've gotten back together. (Which you think is far more agreeable than the truth. Knowing your mother, a staunch supporter of your relationship with him, she wouldn't take lightly to your arrangement.) And before you know it, you're all having dinner.

Felix makes an effort to dress up well, discarding his usual hoodies and joggers for a more formal look, you suspect it has something to do with the fact that you haven't attended any casual settings with him since you broke up.

Cutlery clinks against ceramic, coming down with a semi-loud thump as you try to swallow the enormous lump in your throat. Your mum makes a passing jab at you, saying how you had settled for a much "easier" major than say architecture or philosophy, she bitterly mentioned that everything worked out in the end. After all, your choice is a "much fitting" field of study for someone of your caliber, backhandedly insinuating that you're far too stupid to pursue anything else.

What inspires hilarity is how those insults still affected you. In front of Felix, you act like these few years have brought the fighter out in you and here you are trying to blink away the onslaught of tears prickling your vision. It feels like someone stripped you off your skin, off your flesh and picked out all your shortcomings for him to see.

You expect him to stay quiet, you expect him to think of you as the utterly shameful, selfish being you tell yourself you are,

But Felix's fingers find your shaky knuckles under the table where they rest on your knee, he implants the weight of them in a reassuring squeeze. "Well I think it's great," he says instead, smiling cheerfully at your mum. To which she, for the lack of support, sheepishly beams at him, "Not many people have the drive to do what they want to do. Or know what they want to do...take it from me, Missus [.....]" He laughs nonchalantly, the hairs on the back of your neck standing to attention upon hearing the lovely sound. You always liked his laugh, the sound rippling against your naked skin, thick baritone when he'd just woken up and a kiddish falsetto when he's extremely happy.

You wonder when you started paying so much attention.

Felix glances at you, lingering for a long minute."I bet it took a lot of guts."

You feel your chest constrict with a sudden surge of emotion from the mere look, you can't remember if the Felix you knew in the past, or anyone for that matter, had ever beamed at you with such pride.

You wonder what he'd think if he knew about Jisung, why you had neglected to tell him at all....you knew, because this little moment is precious to you and you had no reason to tarnish it. Not when you had time.

You tilt your head, using your free hand to hastily find the back of his neck, drawing closer to him with little strength. The more he realised what you're doing, the more excited he got. See he found your newly introduced public display of affection immensely attractive, though obviously embarassed by the sudden motion...

You can do crazy things sometimes. Really crazy things. In public and he has never opposed to such exhilarating things, be it in restrooms or even in a similar setting when you were dating, there was a certain thrill to it which drove him to the brink of insanity. Felix would silently implode your attention when you were alone and when you were out in the open, in whichever way he was to receive it, the way which insinuated you were his was the best of them all. All that was fine though...because it was just the two of you.

But now...in this indecent time, he wishes he could hear what you're thinking.

Had... had you gone completely mad?! Your mum is looking!

Your face is stoic, Felix's mouth parts, then you reach over and kiss him shamelessly.

Over the years, all the things that have caused you pain were things you had endured on your own, in his absence. This realisation alone invites a heavy conviction inside you.

Because you know it just as well as he does, no matter how sincere he is to you — you don't need Felix. Not really.

But you want him.

—

You do a stupid thing. A stupid endearing thing and Felix's heart beats like it would jump out of his mouth if he opened it.

It was meant to be a secret, what you two have, a matter of uncomplicated lust which didn't require the attention of anyone because it initially or so you put it, wasn't important enough.

Then you charge to him, he supposes it has a little to do with the person who was blatantly flirting him in the middle of Changbin's Halloween party, he doesn't care though.

You don't like embarrassing yourself, so he doesn't actually expect you to wear a black cat hairband matching his white ears and feline tail. Felix wants to think it means something, how despite the coos and the caas, the giant wave of surprise washing over your friends, you interlace your fingers within his and kiss his cheek.

He doesn't what that makes the two of you now... but he would give you all the time in the world to figure that out if it meant you could be his again.

—

You trace your fingers against outline of his face. Splatters of moist moonlight kissing the high rise of his cheeks, dusting along the long fringe of lashes which cast shadows along his skin, his freckles are like dots of bronze dispersed on his skin. He's beautiful like this.

"You're thinking too much," he says with his eyes closed, smiling a little. "Don't think so much."

You laugh. "Or what, huh?"

Felix cracks an eye open, his grin big, kiddish. "I was hoping you'd say that," he rubs the tip of his nose against your collarbone, he snuggles closer to your chest. What you hadn't expected was how he shifted his entire weight onto you, lying entirely atop you as though he were a starfish.

You couldn't stop laughing at the motion, it's so cheesy and gross...you love it.

—

Here's something you don't know — Jisung tells his friends everything, about making out with you and taking you out...everything. News travels fast. Faster than you anticipated. Despite wanting to divulge the matter, you were too taken by the recent shifts in your feelings to confess to your little interaction. You had told yourself again and again — a little later, just a little later and I’ll tell him.

It could be too late now.

The entire campus knew of your little rendezvous, shooting you curious looks... it's not until Minho comes up to verify the floating rumours do you all but sprint to Felix's place. You think of Chan's trusting eyes, of don't hurt him, of laughing in the intimacy of your bedroom and swiping your fingers down his spine like you were trying to commit the undulating design to memory.

You're not sure where it all began.

but you don't want it to end.

Felix doesn't answer your calls or your messages. When he buzzes you up, just from his gait, just from the resigned look in his eyes, you know he knows.

You watch as he listlessly leaves you to enter, walking before you without saying as much as a word.

You grab Felix’s elbow, making him stop in his tracks. He looks at your fingers wrapping around the muscle, shrugging you off easily. It’s just a small gesture but its impact is so large...that you feel your heart break into a million pieces.

You had never seen Felix being so quiet, even when he was down, he found a manner to radiate a form of optimistic energy which baffled you. You can’t believe how much you could have possibly hurt him.

“I can explain.” you gulp, “We went out on one date. It wasn’t because I liked him, I know it’s stupid and...I should’ve told you. I’m sorry, that's not an excuse, but you have to trust me when I say it didn’t...it doesn’t mean anything to me—”

“Did you sleep with him?”

With his back turned away, he still isn’t looking at you, speaking to you with a surprisingly stable tone.

“No.”

Felix takes a shuddering breath, one which expresses the small relief of knowing that Jisung hadn’t seen, touched you, felt you in the way that he only had, but there’s still so much more he wants to know.

“Did he make you laugh?”

It’s a silly question, he realises belatedly but he can’t help it. Some part of him, a large part, thinks he’d be more hurt if you made someone happy and they made you happy than if you fucked them.

You shake your head even though he can’t see you. “He didn’t.”

Your fingers again reach for his, wrapping your index into his thumb. You slowly move your hands to his middle, clutching him close to your chest, chin hooking into his shoulder, suddenly...you feel him melt into the embrace. Felix’s voice falters for the first time, small trembles against you. You’re willing to answer all his queries if it could put his mind at ease. You put your heart on hold for too long.

"Do you hate me...?" He sniffles.

You blink....did you?

Felix had changed, like you, he had matured, the past version of him you had so stubbornly ingrained in your endless inner monologue is not the one you grew all too familiar with...

Familiarity does breed contempt, does it not? Well you think the line between love and contempt is untraceable, melded together as a mysterious whole. After all those years, you were still angry, still filled to the brim with contempt for him and more importantly, yourself because you still love him much more than you'd like to admit. After all you've been through. After all this time. The need to love him ultimately encompassed every other emotion which posed itself as a hindrance.

So the opposite of love, the absence of love, you think, isn't hate, it's indifference. An emotion you never felt towards him.

Felix has wedged himself into every aspect of your life, tainted every portion of your routine in his presence and in his absence.

You don't think you'd have it another way.

"You broke my heart," you explain, "I was angry....but I could never hate you for the sake of hating you."

"I can't..." Felix whispers, twisting his body so he could look at you now, “I can’t promise you that it won’t be hard but I'm not—I’m not going anywhere...you know that right?”

You lean your forehead against his, his eyes shifting to your mouth, hands rising to wrap around your neck. You smile.

“I know.” you say, "Me neither."

“I love you...” He says in a small voice, putting his hand against your knuckles. “Do you love me?”

Your eyes soften, cupping his face like this — carefully collecting a lone tear with your thumb before it could touch his cheek. This time there is not a shred of hesitancy, no pause, no pondering before you say,

“I never stopped.”

—

You enter in a blind rush of panic, thinking you might miss your ride, feet knocking together, elbows hitting elbows, bustling all around you and the sudden overwhelming stench of people hit you, it’s not an ideal setting, not at all actually.

But you couldn’t bother to be displeased a second you spent with him. A teenager rolls her eyes at how disgustingly in love you are, elderly couples tutting under their breath...albeit, you don’t fail to notice their subtle smiles, small shake of their heads which attested to the fact that the joy you both radiate is.. absolutely infectious. You stumble with him behind, Felix is laughing breathlessly, bumping into your chest as the train suddenly starts moving, you place a finger on his cheek and he raises his chin to look at you.

“Did you eat?” he repeats, mocking himself, a dialogue from a time which seems an element of the distant past replaced by a love which compensated for every hitch in your relationship. You still argue, still disagree and still make up the same. Felix was right, it isn’t easy.

But when two people love each other as much as you do,

it’s worth trying. With every fibre of your being.

“No.” You laugh, playing along, “But I could, with you.”

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nightswithkookmin · 4 years

Text

JIKOOK: ARE CONGRATULATIONS IN ORDER?

Disclaimer:

Everything expressed in here is my opinion. It is not intended to be malicious or disrespectful to any of the parties mentioned in here. Please do not hate on or send hate anyone mentioned in her expressly or by inference.

In my previous posts, I pointed out how this past year, from August 2019 to June 2020 has been a rollercoaster ride for Jikook. Their relationship has been all over the place with some even concluding they have broken up for good- you wish!

My inbox has been flooded with questions such as: Are they still broken up, are they good, are they married...

Y'all think I'd be here blogging at 1 AM for Tumblr if Jikook were married married?- Ok, I would. Lol

But No, Sis. Jikook aren't married. Not that I know of. But don't be sad though because THEY ARE BACK! Fully back to function. By that I mean Jimin mostly. Jk never left. Lol- I'll explain in a bit. But yes, I'm happy to report that they are Jikooking again!

I refrained from posting about their new moments especially this July moments because even though they've been back together after a long period of on and off again relationship during ON comeback through to festa season, and then May when JM finally asked for space in their relationship(see previous posts for details)

I've being unsure about Jimin. I've been anxious to know what the outcome of his asking for space to think things through would be.

Jikook have a push and pull relationship dynamic. We been known. Mostly when one steps back from their relationship for whatever reason, the other leans in to pull them back in.

Same thing has been happening from January where Jimin would be pulling one minute, the next he would be like meh and JK would be push to pull him back in.

That was the case in this (June-July) Japan comeback interviews. Jk was front center with expressing interest in JM pulling him whereas JM was like meh, I'm down for this baby but let's keep it professional for the group's sakes.

Just look at them here... (Photo of them at 2020 Japan interview where Jk said he was looking at JM)

See what I mean? Now you may not notice at first but look at JM's demeanor and compare it to moments in past interviews whenever JK is talking about him or their relationship.

Jk was on his flirting game which he usually is when he wants to break the ice with Jimin if there's been tension between them or when someone around is making a pass at JM and he wants them to know what's up- he ain't slick. Lol

At times too he takes the initiative to flirt when he is feeling super confident and cocky and hella bold and just wants to. Trust me, when he flirts with Jimin, IT IS NOT FOR FANSERVICE. He means that shit.

Now compare JM's body language in that Japan interview moment this one right here: (photo of JM and Jk at the interview where JK said from now on together)

Jimin usually acts very coy, giddy and whipped even around JK when JK flirts with him but most importantly he seems to egg JK on in such moments. He enjoys being claimed openly by JK just as much as JK loves being claimed by JM publicly- which is why as nervous as that makes him he keeps going back for more.

Now this is gonna sound controversial but I have seen JM tell Suga off at times when Suga has tried to initiate skinship with him. I won't show you the picture but you can watch it for yourself during the On Come back where they wore Purple and black. It happened right at the moment Suga touched JMs back. JM mouthed 'Hajima' to Suga to stop touching him. That's all I'm gonna say y'all. Lmho. Don't want trouble.

My point is, these boys have a filter. If they don't want something done to them they won't hesitate to say it or show it. Much like when JK pushed Tae's hand away during a VLive- and he's pushed JM off sometimes too. He is assertive more so than all the members. If he doesn't want something he won't do it or allowed it.

Suga asked him not to get the tattoos when he first expressed interest in them way back in American Hustle life. But he told them if army loves him they would love everything he does and not try to limit him. Jk does as JK pleases.

So yea, if JK didn't like what Jimin has been doing with him he wouldn't be around him much less reciprocate those feelings and actions and initiating them on his own at times. Their interactions are MUTUAL.

And yes, that was shade.

Jimin understands the guts it takes JK to take such initiatives with him and so he kinds of encourages Jk to go on with it or acts in a way that boosts JK's ego. Like when JK shouted 'arrest me' in the middle of an interview. Jk... SMH.

So it was a bit unsettling to watch JM not even try to flirt back with JK in moments like this like he usually would. Dude wasn't even initiating their shtick during this period first of all nor was he responding to them in a way he usually would.

Not sure the aesthetics he was going for here but it screamed let's keep this professional on camera and get naughty when we get home. Or much like, dude I asked for space and I'm realizing I like you just as much but stop coming on too strong.

Which frankly, is what the members have been asking them to do since October last year when the hashtag to cancel Jikook in S.K trended. So JM wouldn't be wrong to take such a stand....

Given that the crux of their issue has been that Jikook is developing into a brand almost independent of BTS' brand and this in a way is affecting the dynamics of the group, a little discretion wouldn't hurt.

The cheers for Jikook moments are getting louder and louder each year even at events such as awards and not just on stage. Jikook is taking a lifeform of it's own. Its becoming a brand almost as powerful as BTS' brand. They are a power couple or becoming one. Like or not. Their fans are becoming loud and large too. So often, lately, it seems they tend to steal the show and direct attention away from the band. It's crazy.

Tae literally had the floor, delivering his speech at the MMA 2019 but people weren't even paying attention to that at all. They were more interested in Jikook and whatever they were doing and they went nuts the moment JK held Jimin and even wilder when he placed his head on Jimin which is what lead to infamous standoff with RM.

JM had literally bumped his butt against Hobi's crotch region moments before the Jikook moment but the crowd didn't lose it as much. Please go back and listen to the deafening sounds of the crowd for yourself.

As much as we love Jikook, there are some that don't and they can be very loud. I'll leave it there. Please support Jikook. Thank you.

BTS had a whole concert end of October 2019 and the hashtag that trended was 'cancel Jikook.' That took away from the hardwork of the band and reduced it to a few seconds of two boys fanboying over eachother. That's.... sigh.

When you see it this way, the RM separating them at Jingle bell red carpet, on stage or even BigHit trying to regulate their Vlives make sense.

Moving on. So yea I wasn't sure about JM all this past few months especially as I believe he had asked for space in their relationship. You might not think much of it but given as JM had said in the past how if he had a lover he would want to be with them all the time and Jikook do spend a lot of time around each other but suddenly hear them talk about spending time apart and enjoying it and what not....

But I think I can stop worrying now because HE IS BACK! There is a new Jimin in town and he is taking names! Good for him!

And I don't mean his new hairdo this August. I mean the new attitude. This attitude:

In this interview he says he would take JK to an island which smart decision. I would take JK too cos dude can do anything, cant he?! Bless him.

But thats beside the point. What I think is happening here is, Jimin finally took a stand. He made up his mind and he is not getting pushed around anymore. Because this Jimin hasn't showed up in a while now. Now he seems quite defiant most times if you've been paying attention to him, so rebellious, so sure of himself. Good for him. Spending time to himself has done him some good. It's given him room to reflect and sort out his priorities.

He loves his work, his band and he loves JK and it's hard when all of those start rubbing against eachother. But Fuck professionalism. He is in love with JK and that is professionalism too. Add loving JK till the end of time to his profession bishes!! :p

Sorry. I got carried away.

But seriously, he seems like his old self but it's also a new self because he hasn't been that self for a hot minute. This is JK's sweat tastes like holy water Jimin. This is I promised Jk I will go to the moon with him Jimin, this is I wanna go on a trip alone with JK Jimin- but badder. If you are a hardcore JM stand like I am you'd understand what I'm talking about.

HE IS BACK BABY! Our daddy is back!

The point of this post is to say, I believe JM finally figured out what he wants. So now hopefully the up and down should die down because quite frankly it's hard to keep up with those two I swear! We need a smooth sail Jikook. Make it happen!

I love it. I love where this is going and I can't wait to see more of their interactions so cheers to Jikookers and congratulations to Jimin for putting his shit together. We wanted rain. We about to be hit with a tsunami of Jikook moments.

Stay blessed. Stay beautiful. Jikook forever.

Signed,

Goldy

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inigofication · 3 years

Note

Hey obvi if they're still a new character and can't share much thats understandable, but i gotta hear more about your flunked spacie cuz that concept is INSANE

HAHA I’M GLAD UR INTERESTED!! My friend who’s DMing wanted to do a somewhat sci-fi campaign so we went ALL OUT together :) I did NOT mean to write as much as I did, so apologies in advance for how much this is LOL

Backstory-current progression under the cut because it’s a LOT!

Basically, as you guys saw from my post, society progressed from super high tech and science (the time that Soleil is from) into your fantasy/medieval time as things went on; this is partially due to the fact that science/research had delved into body/gene modifications which is how a lot of people gradually could give themselves features that us as players associate w/ tieflings and the like!

Soleil never delved into that much, her only modifications being 1) star freckles and 2) her white hair (stays that way so she doesn’t have to re-dye it, etc); the “part-android” also comes in because she has a sort of upgraded memory storage? Basically she can access places with USBs or discs etc etc and store the contents directly into her mind! This kind of modification was super common during her time though, so, not crazy for her.

She also has (had? 👀) an older brother named Lucas!

(cw // slight injury)

(first pic just a doodle of them when they were younger, second pic is the most recent memory Soleil has of him; his hair is normally dark brown but one time he dyed it white to match her)

With Lucas, she and him went to the same space piloting academy, as did their father. However, Lucas excelled and while Soleil is plenty good of a pilot, she lacked the team communication/general teamwork skills needed of her (because she just didn’t make friends all that well), which put her at 12th in her class, just shy of the top 10 that could graduate. When she realized she likely wouldn’t move up the ranks, she purposely flunked out because doing the rest felt pointless to her. She was about 18 at this time.

Around the time she flunked out, her brother was still in school and their dad was a bit of a mess- their mother had been out of the picture since Soleil was 3 but she was still giving their dad issues/stress. So, Soleil’s uncle came over both to help her dad and make him a proposal: Soleil could pilot the St. Marianne, part of a different program. Her dad, albeit reluctantly, agreed, leading Soleil into the new course, where she worked for about 4 years before the mission that would change everything.

This brings us to the start of the campaign! Soleil has very little memory of what happened at this point. All she remembers is the ship flying smoothly, casual conversation, and then a bright flash of white light- next thing you know she’s being woken up from the ships cryo-chamber by a tiefling and a half-orc! Talk about a wake up call LOL, also, the ship she was piloting is torn in half and she has NO CLUE what happened.

So, as the campaign progresses, she’s been traveling and taking up work with her new companions and simultaneously 1) adjusting to the new lifestyle and 2) finding out clues about what happened in her past!

So far, she’s been able to recover footage of her brother from a military base that she never saw because it was after her disappearance/“death!” He’s dating someone and they both got into trouble but Soleil hasn’t found out what yet! There were also robots/androids at the military base that recognized Soleil (aka Private Mercier) when she arrived, even 3,000 years later! So her information is still within the databases.

Also, it’s worth mentioning that after Soleil was taken out of the cryo chamber, she had a new mark on her back, that of a purple butterfly that was smooth to the touch, imbedded in her skin but a different texture. A few months ago, as a psiioniic rogue, Soleil unlocked the ability to basically hive mind with her peers, and a flutter of purple butterflies always show up when she uses it. She sees butterflies in nearly everything she does and both her and I still have no idea what it means!

The butterfly on her back recently split into two butterflies, the purple one and now a white one as well. Somehow, overnight, Soleil was granted the ability to see into people’s memories/dreams when she sleeps- in this “dream scape” as I usually call it, she is less of a corporeal form and is made up of a cluster of butterflies. Even more recently, Soleil has started seeing these “dream butterflies” in the normal day; she went to have breakfast with her friends and everyone in the tavern had butterflies around their heads except her friends, who’s memories she had seen prior- this leads me to believe that this effect happens when Soleil sees someone who’s memories she hasn’t seen yet.

So far, Soleil has seen into the memories of her two friends, a friend’s father, Soleil’s father and mother, her uncle, a little bit within a new group of companions they have, an Elven woman who Soleil doesn’t know but is trying to, and more, including a RED DRAGON who we have to meet next session 🙃

She tried to go into Lucas’ memories, but his were harshly blocked off and she wasn’t strong enough to get in.

SO YEAH!! She definitely has a LOTTT to work with! Her current biggest concerns are as such:

Save our friend’s sister, who’s being coveted by a green dragon

Find out as much as she can about her parents, her brother, her uncle, and what exactly happened to the St. Marianne

WHATEVER THE BUTTERFLIES MEAN?? WHERE THEY CAME FROM?? and finding the Elven woman in her dream who spoke to Soleil, but Soleil doesn’t know her

Again, sorry this is so much LMFAO, I’m having so much fun with her and I’m glad to indulge you guys on it :) if anyone has any other questions or curiosities feel free to ask! 💜

#SORRY ANON THIS IS SUCH A LONG ANSWER #SHE’S MY EVERYTHING #oc: soleil #d&d character #d&d campaign #trin talks #anon #long post

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adriennestar · 5 years

Text

F*ck you endgame. I've given it time but honestly I'll never not be mad about this.

Sometime after Steve goes back to the 40s

...

Peggy: Steve what's your spirit animal?

Steve: *sweating* why?

Peggy: Just for fun ☺️

Steve: *guilty tone* ...ostrich

Peggy: Haha, why??

Steve: *opens up the encyclopedia, turns to ostrich, and points to this picture*

***

Get it??!

***

Seriously though, they really expect us to believe that Steve would just sit back and let all of the bad things he knows are going to happen unfold without doing ANYTHING to stop them, knowing full well he's more than able to??! Really?? Steve if-I-see-a-situation-headed-south-I-can't-ignore-it Rogers, would never. Even if he tried, he'd go absolutely stir crazy after just a month of "resting".

It's an alternate timeline! So he doesn't need to worry about closing a time loop because loops are not how time travel works in the mcu. Endgame establishes this many times through out it's runtime. But that's a can of worms I won't dig into in this post.

I understand that he doesn't have to stop every single bad thing from happening but he'd at least help the people he cares about, like Bucky (aka his best friend since childhood and literal soulmate).

His entire trilogy is about saving Bucky ffs. From the beginning, Bucky is Steve's most important relationship whether you ship them or not.

Also, saving Bucky would already eliminate half the problems that were going to happen because he would never have become the winter soldier who helped "shape a century". Not to mention at least a version of Bucky would have a chance at a life without 70 years of trauma. Nobody worthy of mjolnir would ever let somebody they care about suffer like that!

***

Any ways, here's my head canon ramble:

In my head, endgame Steve didn't stay in the 40s. Instead, he retrieves and unfreezes his 40s self and that's the Steve we see dancing with Peggy at the end of the movie.

That at least seems fair, because 40s Steve is the person she had feelings for. Not endgame Steve who is 12 years older so therefore has been through more than his younger self and is a different person as a result.

And who knows, MAYBE after finally going on a few dates they figure out they're not that combatible and later on Peggy ends up marrying the person she married in the original timeline lol. But while that's happening, endgame Steve saves 40s Bucky and brings him home.

Finding out that Bucky survived the fall and suffered even more at the hands of Hydra, 40s Steve is furious. Both at Hydra for hurting Bucky and even more at himself for feeling responsible for that. He mentally kicks himself for not at least going back to get Bucky's body after he watched him fall. His drive to keep fighting until all of Hydra is dead or captured is reignited and he embarks on a mission through SSR/SHIELD to completely eradicate Hydra. With Peggy's help he succeeds. They also eliminate the red room and keep Hydra from infiltrating SHIELD.

After saving 40s Bucky, endgame Steve makes another stop to the 2010s and gets a few things 😉. He returns to his original timeline just a few seconds after he himself was meant to return after returning the stones. He sets his "time turner gps" for him to be sitting on the bench. That's why he appears so suddenly their. After passing the new shield to Sam, he takes Bucky to a private room and peels off his wig and the face tech that Natasha used in Winter Soldier to make herself look old from his face. He let's Bucky know that he really is retiring and where he'll be staying if Bucky wants to find him.

Bucky visits Steve many times. The first few times, they talk casually and joke lightly about how alien it feels to adjust to a new century. Then they talk about the war and their other traumas; about how they are both changed forever because of them. Many tears are shed as they revisit these painful memories but they help each other through the pain and heal together.

Finally they talk about the old days before the war, about how happy they made each other. It seems like everything since then has changed except their bond. It's still the only thing that makes them feel safe in a way that feels like home. They knew from the moment that bond was made back in their youth, it was unbreakable. So, they stay together, until the end of the line, like they swore they would.

I also have the image of young retired Steve secretly helping with future missions from the sideline 😁.

***

I'll say this a million times. Endgame Steve deserves a happy ending. He deserves to settle down, live a peaceful life. He's been fighting for so long that perhaps he has forgotten who he is without a fight. Losing his family/home (Bucky) probably played a huge part in that.

We all have our battles to fight whether they're on a literal battlefield or in society, but family helps to keep us anchored during tough times.

Steve had to watch his family die, twice.

Steve retiring in his present (the 21st century) where he doesn't know what the future holds, is much better than him running away to the past and burying his head in the f*cking sand to all the suffering he knows is going to happen to the people he loves. Again, nobody worthy of mjolnir would take the second option.

***

I know that endgame was forever ago but I have a fix it fix coming soon!

#captain america #bucky barnes #stevebucky #stucky #endgame #endgame aftermath #wtf #bad ending #steve and bucky #no

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elejah-wonderland · 5 years

Text

An Officer and A Gentleman/1

Fanfiction

Part 1

AU TVD/TO story

Elijah Mikaelson x reader/Elena Gilbert

ft. Angel and Buffy

and other pairings

a/n: this was inspired by this - when I watched Seals Team

but then remembered Dg being in NCIS, and since I love old movies, got to watch Top Gun, which then inspired me some more to write this -and well- here is a crossover of sorts- also, since I am a gothic girl - as you know looove vampires and all that genre, I loved Angel and Buffyverse (Angel being my no1 vampire, till he got knocked down by Elijah Mikaelson. LOL), and David Boreanaz is starring in Seals Team, so I borrowed those two characters and put them in this story.

Well, I hope you like it. Thanks for all your support and likes and what can I say - you are great, guys!!! xoxo

P.S. I don’t know who these gifs belong to anymore, so credit to gifmakers. The one in the story is mine. Lol.

and - doesn’t Dg look so dashing in uniform?! LOL

tags @rissyrapp20 @dendrite-lover @captainshurley @hides2000 @cassienoble2000 @goddessofthunder112 @elejahforever

_______________________

Returning from the Special OP, friends and fellow Seals Special Operatives, Elijah Mikaelson and Angel S. Booth were summoned by their Commanding Officer.

"This must be about Yemen."- Angel said-"they didn't like our alternative method of rescue."

"Well, if it suspension, I am ok" - Elijah said-"I can do with a few days or a week of going down New Orleans." - Elijah said.

"To see your girl, ha?!" - Angel said-"What was her name?"

"Hayley" -Elijah said, continuing-"Talking of women, did you sort things out with Brennan?"

Angel sighed now, remembering the divorce papers he got as he landed back in the US.

"Divorce is still on. And I signed the papers and sent them off earlier. It's over. I have to face it."

"I am sorry, man" - Elijah said.

"It's ok. I have no energy anymore to wallow in it." - Angel said. He now wanted to add something, but they were called in the office.

"At ease, gentleman" - the Commander said-" Lieutenants, I will get straight tp the point. Due to your very imaginative rescue missions, of which we had a few, you were chosen to be part of a Special Hybrid Unit and will be taking a special training course at US Navy Struke Fighter Tactics Instructor Program. Best known to us as Top Gun."

Angel and Elijah looked stunned at the commander.

"Only the best of the best go there. Continue to make us proud."

"When do we report, Sir?"

"You have three days off. You have to report Monday morning. 6:00 sharp. Dismissed, gentleman"

Angel and Elijah saluted and went out.

They were extremely surprised and they could not believe that they were called up for something so extraordinary.

"The best of the best?!" - Angel now said in disbelief sort of.

"Did you ever doubt that we are anything else, not that I am bragging, but we deserved it. Hard work, ingenuity paid off." - Elijah said-"and we got three days-whoooohooo."

"Which means that we will not see any free days for a very long time." - Angel said.

"So I will make sure I got three glorious days with my girl. Ahm - and - I know it's not really appropriate as you just signed your divorce papers, but will you be my best man?" - Elijah asked his friend.

"You proposed to her? When? You didn't tell me. "

"I haven't yet. I am going now to buy a ring and go down there and propose. Get a special licence, if not, then, we can get married the first free day I get. I want her with me."

"Right. I will be your best man." - Angel said.

And so, the men got the first plane out to New Orleans.

And down in New Orleans, Elijah got the same blow as Angel. Well, sort of the same.

Coming down to Hayley's house, he found a man opening the door. And when Elijah asked if he could speak to Hayley, the man said-

"What is it about? My wife is not at home. Can I help you? "

"Your wife?" - Elijah was gobsmacked.

"Yes, my wife. Hayley Marshall-Kenner. I am Jackson Kenner, her husband."

"Come on, man" - Angel, who stood next to Elijah now put his hand on his friend's shoulder and said-"Let's go."

"Yeah. Ahm- nothing-Sorry, I bothered you." - Elijah said feeling like someone punched him really hard in the gut.

Angel now kind of nudged again to his friend to leave and they both got in the car. Angel sat in the driver's seat as Elijah was completely lost.

"Keys!" - Angel said.

Elijah got the keys out of his picket, still kind of numb, like he was not able to process what just had happened.

"Bourbon Street?" - Angel suggested.

Elijah just nodded looking straight, trying to make his heart not explode from pain. After a night of a lot of Bourbon to totally numb the heartache and let out steam, both men flew to their new station to San Diego, a two days before planned.

Getting out of the plane, Angel asked Elijah-

"Ready for new adventure? New life? Letting go of the past?!"

"So fucking ready."- Elijah said.

As they still didn't have to report for duty, and having settled in their new abode, they went to have two more days of fun.

Elijah and Angel had no problem making friends or making the party going on, and ending up at a bar, they quickly got the crowd going.

Trying hard to get on and quick the heartbreak, goofying around a bit with the karaoke, Elijah took the microphone and Angel always knew which song to find.

As the song started, Elijah got ready, and getting into the song, seeing a woman at the bar turn catching his eye he now went to her.

Angel rolled his eyes a bit, but he just let him go for it.

💖Listen baby, ain't no mountain high

Ain't no valley low, ain't no river wide enough baby

If you need me call me no matter where you are No matter how far don't worry baby Just call my name I'll be there in a hurry You don't have to worry 'Cause baby there ain't no mountain high enough

Ain't no valley low enough Ain't no river wide enough To keep me from getting to you babe

Remember the day I set you free I told you you could always count on me girl From that day on, I made a vow I'll be there when you want me

Y/N/E laughed, feeling embarrased but flattered in a way. Elijah continued, fully in the role.

Some way, some how 'Cause baby there ain't no mountain high enough Ain't no valley low enough Ain't no river wide enough To keep me from getting to you babe Oh no darling

No wind, no rain Or winters cold can stop me baby, na na baby 'Cause you are my goal If you're ever in trouble I'll be there on the double Just send for me, oh baby, ha

My love is alive Way down in my heart Although we are miles apart If you ever need a helping hand I'll be there on the double Just as fast as I can Don't you know that there

Ain't no mountain high enough Ain't no valley low enough Ain't no river wide enough To keep me from getting to you babe

As Elijah finished and everyone in the bar clapped, Y/N/E said-

"Well, you picked a good one. It’s actually one of my favs.”

"Ahh, can't take credit for this one. Angel picks them."- Elijah now showed to his friend who was talking to a woman.

"Angel? Interesting name.”- Y/N/E said.

"I am Maverick." - Elijah said.

"You're kidding, right?"

"Nah, well, it's my cool name. I am Elijah."

"Two guys with two cool names. Pilots, right?"

"No. Seals, actually. Can I buy you a drink."

"Maybe some other time." - Y/N/E said as a man now approached them.

"Ready?" - the man said.

"Yeah" - Y/N/E replied, turning to Elijah saying-"See you around, ‘Maverick -Elijah'

“Hey and your name?”

“Y/N/E”

The brunette/blonde then went with the guy, and Elijah looked after them. As Angel joined him, he said -

"If I didn't know better, I'd say you're lost your heart already."

"Nah. No more falling in love."- Elijah said.

"Right. Just casual stuff then? Well, it looks like she has a boyfriend."

"Yeah" - Elijah said, his heart flattering unusually at the thought of Y/N/E.

"Who did you talk to? '

" It' s Commander Salvatore's wife. We are invited to a barbecue thing tomorrow night at his house. "

"Ok. Game of darts?" - Elijah sugfested.

"Yeah, go on."

"What's up, you're a bit weird" - Elijah said as the got a couple of beers and went to the darts board area.

"I just found out that the tactics instructor is Buffy Summers." - Angel said.

"You're kidding me? Your Buffy? Buffy, the one you broke up with when you went to Washington?

" The one. "- Angel replied.

" Oh, man. So much about new life, new leaf. "- Elijah said.

Angel sighed and took a swag of beer.

The past seemed to came rolling back in at least when he was concerned.

In the car, Y/NE thought of the Seals Officer she had just met.

"Who was that?" - Damon asked.

"The new Seals guys."- Y/N/E answered.

"Ok. So, shall we go and eat something before we go to the cemetery?"

"Yeah, sure." - Y/N/E said-"Also need to get flowers for it. I can't believe it's been two years since his death."

"Yeah" - Damon said.

Not longer after Y/N/E and Damon put the flowers down on the grave of Stefan Salvatore.

"Hey you" - Y/N/E said placing a kiss on the name-"crazy to say it- but happy birthday. Miss you still so much."

Damon sighed a little. His brother was gone two years and a month now, and it seemed like it was yesterday, and at times it felt like it was eternity.

Arranging the flowers a bit, Y/N/E now flashed back

Two years previously

Damon knocked a little at the door frame of Y/N/E and Stefan's bedroom of the Salvatore house, before he entered.

"Hey" - Damon said.

Y/N/E was going through her clothes in obvious total distress.

"I don't have anything to wear for the funeral. Nothing black - damn -" she now burst out crying and turning to Damon continued- "I was supposed to be wearing a wedding dress. We were supposed to get married in August.

Damon stood there feeling her sister-in-law to be, sharing her pain.

"I know. He was so -"

"How will I go on? I can't - I just - don't want to - hate the army- hate everything- I want him back, Damon. Please, bring him back-"

"Oh, Y/N/E -"

"Bye" - Y/N/E slipped as she placed a kiss with her hand on the stone.

Damon and her now walked back to the car.

"So, how does it feel to be back, in general?"

"Kind of weird. It's like I've been gone a hundred years. Ok. Can we talk about you and Kai and how did it happen?"

"It's a long story."- Damon said.

"I want to hear it. Everything. Especially about the rain kiss! "- Y/N/E said.

"Caroline told you!"

"Yep! Come on. I want to hear everything."

Damon now told her some, but this was Caroline's version as she saw Damon finally his feelings to Kai.

"I am so happy for you, Damon."- Y/N/E said-"Kai is a great guy. How did you dad take it?"

"He didn't. There is no change. The idea that I am with a man still repulses him. He wished I was dead and not Stefan. "- Damon said.

"Oh, Damon. I am sorry. That means that Lily is still between the hard and the rock place?!" - Y/N/E remarked.

"Yep."- Damon said-"I am happy, but she is not and I hate that she has to juggle between us. She left him for a while, but then she got back when he ended up in hospital with the heart scare."

"I wish things got better." - Y/N/E said.

"Anyway, you are kind of a big shot now if Pentagon sent you to do this new program" - Damon said.

"I am not. I am just an instructor really."- Y/NE said.

"Just an instructor? This is Top Gun! Only the best are here."

"The program is unique and kind of experimental. I hope it works."

"Did you see the F-18?"

"I helped construct it Damon! Of course I've seen it. Working on a better improved version. " - Y/N/E said.

"Like I said, you are a real big shot."- Damon said.

His phone rang and seeing it was Kai, he swiped the call answering-

"Hey, babe, where are you?"

"I got pizza. When are you home?" - Kai asked.

"Heading home. Y/N/E is with me. I kinda invited her to eat with us. Say hi" - Damon now put the loudspeaker on.

Kai and Y/N/E now exchanged heys.

Soon, as they got to Damon's apartment, Kai gave Y/N/E a warm hug hello.

"It's good to have you back." - Kai said to the brunette.

"I am glad to be back. Seeing you two together, really makes it worth being back. Love conquers all." - Y/N/E’s eyes watered a bit-"ok, I won't be sad."

"You are allowed. We miss him, too."- Kai said.

"Yeah - ok-" - Damon said-"let's toast to Stefan and love. May Y/N/E find love again."- Damon said.

"Oh, Damon please." - Y/N/E said taking the glass of Tequila he had poured.

"Stefan would wanted you to find love again."- Kai said taking a glass of the drink from his boyfriend.

"I know, but - I just - can't think about that-got a new plane to think about"

Kai didn't quite understand.

"Y/N/E is working on a new Fighter plane." - Damon explained.

"Wow!" - Kai said.

"Told you. She is not jus a pretty face." - Damon said.

"Enough you guys. Ok. To Stefan."- Y/N/E raised her glass and so did Kai and Damon. 🚫

Elsewhere,

Elijah and Angel had dinner at a small diner. And later headed back to the dorms. Both went to their respective rooms, both still very much in thoughts about the past.

Elijah trying to get the grips of how Hayley just went and got married. He now thought of the last time he was with her before he was deployed to the Middle East. And no matter how much he tried to find answers, nothing made sense. Did she ever loved him? He asked himself now. But like Angel had said - can't wallow in it, she obviously chose another guy, and married him- Elijah closed his eyes and his mind wondered to the woman he had sort of sang to.

"Y/N/E" - he slipped and smiled a little.

💕In the room next door, Angel revisited his heart. Eversince he heard that Buffy Summers, his first love was onw of the instructors of the program, he could not stop thinking about her, taking him back ten years previously, when he came to her the night before leaving to Washington to join the FBI. But the break up was not as simple as he had told Elijah. He had not told him that he had gone to Buffy's wedding to tell her that he had made a huge mistake to have let her go.

🚫 At the same time, Buffy Summers now entered the house she has rented.

Putting her bag on the chair, she went straight in the kitchen and got a bottle of red wine out and poured herself a glass. Earlier at a briefing, she has found out that Angel Seeley Booth was chosen for the program.

She thought she didn't care anymore. She thought that it would not stir her, but driving back home, strangely the smallest of butterflies bubbled up.

Buffy slumped down on the sofa, and flashed back to the past.

🚫

Monday morning came and all respective parties were in the classroom. The Seargent now introduced two instructors -

"Now you will also be trained and evaluated by a few civial specialist as well as military instructors. One of them is our tech rep, code name Sunny. She has PhD in astrophysics, aerospace engineering. She is a civilian contractor and you don't need to salute her, but you better listen to her, because the Pentangon does. And if you don't pass her evaluation, you can lose your post. Sunny, was one of the constructors of the hybrid F-18. She will tell you all about the fighter plane. Sunny, it's all yours."

Y/N/E now came in from the side room, and Elijah looked at the brunette like he had just entered a strange kind of dream world.

Y/N/E greeted everyone present now immediately going into the presentation mode. She was serious, eloquent, and it was very clear to everyone that she knew what she was talking about.

Finishing the lecture for the day, on her way out, Elijah followed her and catching up with her said-

"You could have given me a fair warning."

"About what, Lieutenant Mikaelson?" - Y/N/E said raising an eyebrow.

"You could have told me that you are - who you are"

"You didn't give me much time."- Y/N/E said-"But if you can fly as good as you can sing, I just might give you a good evaluation."

"Oh, I can fly. I flew Mig 40. out of Afghanistan."-Elijah now said.

"That was you?" - Y/N/E was now surprised to hear it.

"Yep. That was me."- Elijah confirmed.

"Really? This is not one of those things to splash your charm out again?"

"No. But, all the info is classified." - Elijah said.

"You are kidding me, right?" - Y/N/E now showed Elijah one of the badges that showed him that she had access to all classified information-"I read all about the intel on it. But - I have questions about it."

"Ok. I can tell you about it first hand, but - if you agree to - coffee?"

"I knew this was one of those things."

"One of what things? It's just a harmless invitaton to have a cup of coffee." - Elijah said.

"Harmless?" - Y/N/E said with a smirk saying yeah, right.

"Completely." - Elijah replied with a charming smile.

Y/N/E's phone now rang and she said this to Elijah before picking up -

"I will get back to you, Lt."

She answered the call and walked away.

Elijah smiled dreamily looking at her until she got into her 1963 Porsche, and drove off.

Oh, man, what did he do to deserve this. Why did she have to be his instructor. This is going to be so complicated, his heart murmured.

Marvin Gaye song fading in the background as he watches her leave

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#Elijah Mikaelson #Elijah Mikaelson x reader #Elena Gilbert #tvd fanfiction #Fanfiction #alternate universe #angel x buffy

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vanillasakura · 2 years

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are you out tho for your family or friends? I'm bi and I'm deeeep in the closet

I’m out for both, actually! If you want the full story as to how that happened, I’ll put it below the cut, because I doubt everyone wants to scroll past this lol. Warning for a wall of text and some personal stories

My friends I’ve known for a while have known since I first realized in seventh grade. When I came out a lot of them straight up said “and we were ever supposed to believe you were anything else?” The ones I’ve made more recently have found out when I randomly bring it up in conversation. Whenever I “come out” (I don’t even really think of it as that anymore) nowadays, it’s in a passing comment, like “Yeah, there aren’t many girls here I’ve been attracted to”, or “When I was with my ex-girlfriend…” One person has stopped talking to me because of it, I’ll be real, but I’m very unbothered by it. My sexuality is such a small part of who I am overall that if you choose to base your entire view of me on the fact that I like girls, then you obviously aren’t a very great person. Sure, I am pretty girl-crazy and talk about them a lot, but if I were straight, I know I would be the stereotypical “boy-crazy girl who keeps chasing after the guys”.

My family is a bit different, and the story of how they found out is much unhappier. My younger sister found out when I was a freshman in high school (9th Grade for non-Americans) by reading my diary, and was the first person in the family to know. I didn’t really bother denying it for very long. She didn’t give a shit, and even found out she was bi two years later! I was, and still am, unhappy she read my diary, but she claimed she thought it was my homework, as it was in an old composition book of mine (ironically, a composition book that I bought for seventh grade) that I left open on my desk while I went to go to the bathroom. Whether or not that's true isn't really important anymore.

The next person to find out was my mom. Now, for this to make sense, I need to give you a bit of backstory regarding myself and my childhood. I didn't know what the LGBT community even was until I was twelve years old in 2015, back when Obergefell v. Hodges was first going to the Supreme Court. My mother, despite being friends with many gay people, some of whom I've met and gone to their houses, hid the existence of the community from me my entire life (going as far as to turn off Say Yes to the Dress or House Hunters if any LGBT people were on the episode) until she just couldn't anymore. Her reason? "It was what you did back then", which I find a little odd, but whatever, can't change the past. Thing is, despite not knowing I could like girls, I would always be vehement in my desire to never want to date or marry. Apparently, when I was five, I told my mom I would rather be killed than have to date or get married, and almost fourteen years later, I still feel the same way about marrying or dating men. My mom apparently had some suspicions when I was as young as three, but that all changed in kindergarten, where I thought you had to have a crush on a boy because that's what I saw on TV and in books. So I picked a kid in my class who I liked well enough as a friend and decided I had a crush on him. I did the exact same thing three more times throughout elementary school, feeling wrong about it with each boy I decided to "dedicate my heart to". So when I was in sixth grade, and learned you could like girls? I was in denial for a few months, but suddenly, everything just made sense. When I got a crush on my seventh grade art teacher and was, for lack of a better word, utterly infatuated with her, I realized I was a lesbian and haven't looked back since.

Now the thing is, I was determined to never tell my mom, because if she had made such an effort to hide the LGBT community from me all my life, then there was no way in hell she would have a good response to me if I came out. And in a way, I was right.

My mom found out three days before the end of my freshman year. We were doing dishes, and she suddenly started pestering me about who I was attracted to, what kind of guy I liked. "You're always so quiet about this type of thing," she had told me, "your sister talks about the boys she likes all the time!" I kept asking her to just stop, I couldn't bring myself to lie about my attraction to men because in my mind, that would just be being untrue to myself. Eventually, I accidentally let out an "I don't want to tell you", to which my mother raised an eyebrow with an "oh?" It was only then I relented and said, verbatim, "Fine, I'm a lesbian."

No matter how close I've grown to my mother since, and no matter how much better of a person she's become, I will never forget the heart-crushing "No you aren't" she responded with.

"Yeah, sure, because you know me better than I fucking know myself. Is that how this works now?"

"You liked [insert boy's name] in kindergarten!"

"Because I thought I had to like boys! Mom, my entire life I've been telling you I never want to date or marry, and that's because I thought it had to be with a man! How are you still choosing to deny this?!"

She was silent, and I just went up to my room, much more angry than upset. I hadn't wanted to tell her in the first place, yet here we were.

That evening, she apologized and told me she accepted me. It took months for me to tell her anything again. Before I left for university this year, she actually apologized to me for hiding the community from me as a child, and for saying that she "hoped neither my sister or I were gay because life would be hard for us." Do I forgive her? I'm not sure. We come from one of the most liberal areas of the country, so it's not like she didn't tell us for our own safety. Rather, she didn't tell us because she didn't think children should know about the community, plain and simple. Nowadays, I'm very close with my mother, and she's grown a lot as a person. She still has her... very poor takes regarding some aspects of the LGBT community, but I just choose not to argue them with her.

My father finding out was somehow even messier. My family was on vacation with my dad's brother's family the summer between my sophomore and junior years of high school. (Tenth and eleventh grade for non-Americans). While there, my aunt and I headed down to our resort's pool, and a guy began hitting on me almost immediately. I just laughed it off and was polite but firm with my nos to all of his flirtatious advances. Eventually, my aunt and I left the pool to go grab something from her room. She teased me, saying "oh Lettie, he was so totally into you!"

It was here that I decided, on a whim, to come out to her. In my mind, my aunt was safe. She has a son a few years my senior from a previous marriage who had come out as gay the year prior, and she had helped him with his journey of self-discovery the entire time. I saw how well it turned out for my cousin, and at this point, I wanted to begin telling more members of my family. She seemed like the best place to start.

"Yeah, he was." I told her, laughing. "Unfortunately for him, I don't swing that way, so..."

Her eyes got wide. "Are you a lesbian?"

"Uh... yeah."

She broke into a wide smile, hugging me. "That's great! I'm glad you feel safe telling me."

I was ecstatic. This was the kind of acceptance I had never gotten from my own mother, and I was so totally happy to have finally received it.

That night, she was going to meet my dad and my uncle for a drink, while my mother and I were heading back to our room to go to bed. My aunt hadn't been with my father all day, so before she left, I pulled her aside and told her that he didn't know, so to not bring it up. She winked and told me my secret was safe with her.

Turns out that was a lie. Five days later, when we got home, my mom pulled me aside at the airport and told me that before we left, my aunt had told my mom she outed me to my dad because "it was important for him to know." I was heartbroken, and my trust was entirely shattered. It was two am when our plane had gotten in, and I was overtired, exhausted, and now emotionally high strung from finding out my very Catholic, very conservative father (who I already did not have the best relationship with) knew about my lesbianism. I cried silently the entire drive home, convinced he was never going to talk to me again.

He never has brought it up, outside of a few "do you think she's attractive" or "at least you don't have to worry about getting pregnant" comments. My mom said he's fine with it, and I believe her, but to this day, I cannot believe he found out the way he did. I've seen that aunt a few times since she outed me, and I refuse to speak to her. My birthday is coming up in a month or so, and my mom suggested we go on vacation with that aunt and her family, funnily enough, to the same place where she outed me three years ago. I hope we don't go, and at this point, I doubt we will. My aunt has so totally shattered my trust in her, and that's something she'll never get back. If she's upset I don't talk to her, she has nobody to blame but herself.

I came out at school the summer after freshman year on my Instagram, on the third anniversary of the Obergefell ruling. I posted a picture with a shoddily-made lesbian flag I constructed out of notecards and taped onto a kebab skewer, captioned "I put the L in lesbian" and a lot of people made jokes about their own sexualities in the comments. I was really nervous, but nobody said anything mean or whatever. I did get a few comments over the next few months saying things like "Are you a real lesbian?" but I just brushed them off.

Other than my friends, I only had one positive coming out experience. My French teacher overheard me talking about my crush freshman year, and went "Huh? What did you say?" I tried to play it off, but she didn't buy it. Eventually I relented, telling her that she knew what she heard. Much to my surprise, she hugged me, telling me she accepted me for who I was and that she wouldn't tell a soul. I had her all throughout high school, and aside from being the best teacher I ever had and the reason I speak French, she always showed her support. She would joke about it here and there (Senior year we had a project on street artists in France, and she assigned me Miss Tic, saying that she "knew I would love the art." Turns out all Miss Tic paints is women. When I did my presentation she asked me, trying not to laugh, if she was right, and I did like the art), but that was just the kind of person she was. If anything, her poking fun made me feel better. Madame has been one of the best role models in my entire life, and I miss her dearly. She retired last year, but I know she's still a professor at a university, so maybe I'll see if I can reach out to her. I don't think I ever did tell her how much her support (not just in regards to my sexuality) really has changed my life.

All this to say that anon, even though nearly all of my big "coming outs" were horrible, I turned out fine in the end. I'm happier that I don't have to lie to my family about who I am, and when I next see my extended family, I plan to tell them too. If they react negatively (which I know many of them will), why should I care? Why should their views on this subject change how I choose to live my life? Why should I be somebody I'm not to appease people who I rarely see?

I do experience some hate every now and again. Recently, a friend's dad revealed he's uncomfortable with meeting me because of my sexuality. Maybe three years ago, hearing that would have driven me to tears, but now? I laughed it off, faux-apologizing to my friend for my "unstoppable and relentless attraction to women". All in all, my sexuality is such a small part of me, that if people choose to judge me for it anyways, why should I choose to surround myself with them? If you're going to hate me, hate me for things that actually matter. Maybe you think I'm annoying. Maybe you think I'm stupid. Whatever. At least give me a reason more than the fact that I like to kiss women, because if you can't, I'm going to assume that you don't have a good reason to be talking about me anyways.

Coming out is hard, anon. I pray that your experiences are nothing close to mine, and that you're met with nothing but support and love. And if you aren't, who cares anyways? There's more to you than who you love, and after however many years of knowing you, your friends and family know this well. Whenever you're ready, just tell people. Even if, God forbid, they react poorly, you won't have to hide your true self anymore, and at the very least, that counts for something, right?

#im sorry if this isnt the best advice #i hope it could help nontheless #i think learning that you are more than who you like is the most important takeaway so if you only get one thing from this #please let it be that #lettie braindumps #anon asks #anon #coming out #lgbt #lesbian #personal

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