#i should be able to climb stairs without feeling like I'm fighting for my life | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

bunnyreaper · 6 months

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𝓷𝓸𝓫𝓸𝓭𝔂 𝓭𝓸𝓮𝓼 𝓲𝓽 𝓵𝓲𝓴𝓮 𝔂𝓸𝓾 𝓭𝓸 𝒶 𝒿𝑜𝒽𝓃 𝓅𝓇𝒾𝒸𝑒 𝓍 𝓇𝑒𝒶𝒹𝑒𝓇 𝓈𝑒𝓇𝒾𝑒𝓈 𝓅𝓉 𝟣 𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒 𝓅𝓉 3 𝒽𝑒𝓇𝑒

wc - 5.8k warnings - 18+/nsfw (eventually), mentions of cheating (not from reader or john), older male younger female, future daddy kink, mildly threatening behaviour notes - were going somewhere (hornytown) but not quiiiite yet. i still think there's lots to enjoy here though!! hope you do like reading!! also on ao3! ♥

"I've got you, everything's going to be okay." He whispers, over and over and over again, chanting it like a prayer.

You let yourself go a little limp in John's embrace, let the feeling of his comforting words and close touch wash over you—for a moment, everything feels right, the rest of the world falls away.

When John pulls away, a literal and metaphorical cold sweeps in, reality tipping over you like a bucket of ice. His hands still settle on your shoulders, but it's simply not enough to fight back against the shivers overtaking your body. The panic starts to kick in again, your chest tightening in response to the ice in your veins.

John stays stooped close to you, his face inches away from yours as concern radiates from him—you stare up at him glassy-eyed, looking at him for comfort, answers, something.

"Tell me what you need, love. Anything." His voice is so low, almost desperate to help and to fix things.

You struggle to think, struggle to summon anything—your mouth opens and closes, your lips trembling every time you try to speak.

What you want most right now is to fall back into John's arms, to feel that fleeting moment of peace you had just moments ago. What you need is to get away from this place that you've called home for so long, where you feel like the picture-covered walls are closing in—years of memories about to crush you.

Your eyes screw shut as you force yourself to breathe, to focus only on John's reassuring touch and what comes next. "I need to get out of here."

As soon as you finish speaking, he springs into action, a hand slips to your back as he guides you up the stairs, one step behind you. "Pack a bag, you can stay in my guest room until you get things figured out."

You pause mid-step, frozen on the stairs at the weight of John's offer. He'd do that? Have you in his home? "I can't ask you to do that..."

"You're not asking, I'm offering." He answers tersely, and you can feel him stiffen as he looms behind you, can feel the hand on your back grip ever so slightly. "He's my blood, my fuck-up. I should fix this."

There's a conviction to John's words, heavy and resolute, quietly angry through and through—it's more passion than you've seen in an age, and he has no real reason.

He taps you lightly, urging you on, and your body complies without question as you climb the rest of the stairs and lead the way to the bedroom.

When you pass over the threshold, you freeze—taking in the bed that you'll never sleep in again, the room that isn't really yours any longer.

It's freeing and paralysing in equal measure.

John isn't frozen by the same fear, able to fearlessly lead the way as he searches for a bag or suitcase to pile some of your belongings in. "C'mon, get what you need. I can always come back for more, yeah?"

"Or even if you just stay for the night until you can find a friend to stay with." His voice is soft as he tries to anticipate your needs and cater to your changing circumstances.

He finds a small suitcase under the bed, pulls it out, and sets it on the mattress as he waits for you to move.

"Thank you." You nod mindlessly, coming to life again. The two of you work in tandem—you recover items from various drawers and hangers and dump them on the bed, and John works on folding and organisation. Each item is carefully and strategically packed, as his experience demands, ensuring you can bring with you everything you desire.

Your priority is to grab everything important—ID, keepsakes, underwear. Perhaps you should feel some sort of shame or embarrassment when John starts packing away your panties without a word, but right now you can't find it within you to properly care.

The little frilly pieces look extra delicate in his hands, and despite his toughened hands, he handles them with complete care.

You practically empty your entire pyjama drawer onto the bed (or, onto John), anticipating a week on the couch doing sweet fuck all. After all, if you can't indulge and refuse to leave the house after a break-up, then when can you?

Though on second thought, perhaps John wouldn't be too pleased if you took up residence on his couch and refused to leave—his hospitality surely only extends so far, despite being the nicest man ever.

The two of you continue in dead silence, only broken by the occasional muttering to yourself as you think through everything you might need for the next few days.

It's John who speaks first, pausing midway through folding one of your oversized jumpers. "How did you find out?"

You meet his eye and see the emotion swirling within. It's clear he's hurting too, but wants to find out more as delicately as he can.

"Some account sent me pictures and videos, it's definitely him."

John's nostrils flare, his hands fisting in the fabric as anger washes over him. "He better hope I've had time to calm down before I see him again."

"It's not worth making a fuss over John. I'm not—" You pause before you say that you're not worth it, clearly James doesn't think you're worth much at all. The idea of causing issues for James and John's relationship makes you cringe—because, unlike James, you actually give a shit as to how your actions affect others.

"—I don't mean to come between you two." The words you settle on represent a solemn wish. Though, far more than that, a part of you hopes this doesn't come between you and John—that is something you hope for more intently.

After the last few years of knowing him, he's become someone you can truly depend upon.

"He's the one who did this, not you," John states in a way that's clear and leaves no room for argument. "I've got you. You can count on me."

His words soothe the deep sense of panic within you—after all, right now you're in desperate need of someone you can trust wholeheartedly.

With James, there was always this undercurrent of distrust. It was something you blamed on your anxiety and a belief he reinforced time and time again.

With John, you feel none of the discontent—perhaps because you aren't as invested, or perhaps because John has never given you any reason to doubt him.

Here he is, in your moment of need,

telling you the words he knows you need to hear most right now.

You come back to yourself, hastily zipping up the bag in front of you and trying your best to give John a warm smile.

"Let's get you home." John returns the smile with a firm nod, grabbing the bag immediately and throwing it over his shoulder. He waits for you to move first, holding his hand out in preparation for it to fall to the small of your back once more.

The room already looks emptier, and honestly a little ransacked—not your problem any more.

Taking a deep breath, you turn on your heel and fall into step beside John, relishing the warmth of him beside you.

"Oh." John pauses, bending down to pick up a cardigan from the floor, almost hidden beneath the duvet hanging over the edge of the bed. "Can't forget this, yeah?"

You take the cream knit from him, shrugging it on and wrapping it around yourself.

With everything packed for your emergency getaway, you head back down the stairs and grab your phone and keys. It's only when John closes the truck door after you've climbed inside that you finally feel like you can breathe.

Granted, your breaths are still a little shaky and uneven, but being out of the house makes you feel great relief.

John climbs into the driver's seat of his truck, immediately throwing the keys in the ignition. The radio comes to life along with the engine, Costello playing—loud enough to hear yet quiet enough to ignore.

"Thank you, John." You whisper, a little uncertain of how to express the depth of your gratitude. "I've always... you've always been so nice to me."

"Nothing less than you deserve," John states, his tone a little bitter as he begins to drive. "Shame my fucking son couldn't see that."

The older man's venom takes you by surprise. You're not shocked that John is ashamed of his son's actions, but the fact he is here, unapologetically caring for you while condemning his son? You suppose, when you think about it, a pattern is emerging.

In the past, when James has wronged you, John hadn't pried or pressured you to discuss it at length—he simply laid down the law and then spent time distracting you or making you feel whole again.

"You're really angry with him." You note besides, unused to seeing such unbridled emotion from the usually calm and in-control captain.

"I'd never condone cheating." His jaw clenches and the way he shifts gears is a little stiff. "But to do that to you? Unforgivable, darling. You've done nothing but run up the boy's arse since the day I met you."

"Yeah, well, I thought we loved each other." You shrug, feeling only slightly pathetic about it all. "I thought I was just insecure, reading into things too much, and he made me feel that way too..."

John glances at you, eyes full of shock and pity, before he turns his attention back to the road. "Fuckin' hell."

"Look, you can stay with me as long as you like, I mean it."

"I feel like a burden." You reply, not missing a beat.

John releases a sigh, preparing himself for battle. "If anything you're doing me a favour, can look after the place when I'm gone, yeah?"

"I suppose." You relent immediately, not having any fight left in you. "Will you be leaving soon?"

The thought makes you feel more unsettled than it should.

"Hopefully not for a little while." John flashes you a smile, his eyes kind and warm, "I'll make sure everything's sorted before I go anywhere, don't worry."

"I'm sorry."

"Nothing to apologise for, love." He smiles, the corners of his eyes crinkling as he meets your gaze.

The two of you fall into silence for the rest of the drive, accompanied by the easy-listening tracks from John's CD as you make your way across the city.

When you pull up on John's driveway, he's out of the car and opening your door before you can say anything, shouldering your bag and unlocking the front door to the house.

Once inside, you toe off your shoes, setting them onto the shoe rack that keeps all of John's boots neatly organised.

The house smells the same as it always does—smokey and wooden. Just familiar enough to feel homey, just foreign enough to still draw in your senses.

"Shall I show you to your room?" John asks—a gracious host despite the numerous times you've visited and stayed over.

You nod, shoulders already sagging at the idea of falling into the expensive guest mattress. "Please, I kind of just want to collapse into bed right now."

John chuckles as he leads the way up the stairs. "You're more than welcome to."

The bed is already made as if waiting for your arrival, sans the towels John usually prepares when he knows you're coming over. He sets your bag down on the armchair sitting in the corner, before turning to leave you in peace. "Anything you need, I'll be downstairs."

You reach out to him, hand settling on his broad forearm as you hold him still for just a moment, meeting his eyes with a sincere look of gratitude. God knows how the night would've turned out without his accidental intervention, but here in his home, you feel as safe and relaxed as you can in this moment. "Thank you, John."

He leans into your touch, mouth settling on the top of your head as he presses a barely there kiss, and then mumbles his words into your scalp. "Don't mention it, darling."

A second later the door is quietly clicking shut behind him, leaving you alone in the guest bedroom with nothing but your thoughts. Thoughts you'd really rather be without right now, so you rush to change out of your clothes and into some pyjamas and throw yourself into bed.

Exhaustion overwhelms you the second your eyes flutter shut.

—-

When you wake, bleary-eyed and achy-chested, it's completely dark outside—the yellow moon obscured by a layer of mist.

You rub at your eyes and attempt to wet your mouth, which is bone dry from fitful sleep filled with nightmares. The entire night you were trapped in a hall of mirrors, each one cracked and smashed and showing monstrous reflections that looked nothing like yourself.

It was all just a nightmare, and it's over now—all of it.

Peeling back the covers, you climb out of bed and head downstairs to fetch a glass of water—nothing you haven't done numerous times before when you and James had spent the night here after he and John had one too many beers watching the football.

You know exactly which of John's creaky stairs to skip to avoid making too much of a noise, know the small night light at the bottom of the stairs will brighten as you approach.

When you make it downstairs, a floor lamp in the living room floods the space with an amber glow as warm reverberated music drifts to your ears. The soft light highlights John as he puffs away at a cigar, surrounding him in thick, billowing clouds. You're unsure of the time, but you are familiar enough with John to know his late-night-turned-early morning proclivity for music and nicotine.

You take a moment to just watch him looking so peaceful, a moment where his guard is almost entirely down, and he's just John. Not a father or a soldier, but just a man—it's a rare treat and a side you don't often get to see.

His eyes are glazed over, fixated on a spot on the wall as he's undoubtedly lost in his thoughts, weighed by his burdens and memories.

Your eyes linger on his beard, no longer sporting his signature style as the mission has kept him from the upkeep, and that is something you've never seen before. It's charming how handsome he looks, not that he ever wasn't, but his good looks are easier to notice when he looks like this—for a moment he's not James' dad at all. He's all man, and you'd be lying if you said you'd never noticed him before, noticed how attractive he is. Admittedly, you've got very good at hiding your inappropriate, likely misplaced crush on the man.

But now, as you gaze upon him with his lips wrapped around his cigar and his thick thighs lazily spread, you can dip into your unrestrained thoughts and—

"'s rude to stare, love." He says, his eyes shifting to meet yours. In the dark, his usual shining blue is missing, replaced by dark pools of simmering emotion. A moment later, a half-hearted smile catches up with him, as he seems to pull himself from his sombre mood upon seeing you.

"Didn't know you were awake." You shrug, stepping out into the living room and wrapping your arms around yourself protectively—feeling a little bare in your pyjama top and shorts. "I was gonna grab some water."

"I'll get that for you, sit down."

He's rising from his seat before you can protest, the cigar still hanging from his lips as he makes his way to the kitchen. You take a seat on the long couch, not quite relaxing into the worn leather.

John returns a few moments later, passing the glass to you with a tight smile.

"Thanks."

He takes his seat back in his armchair, puffing away at his cigar, his eyes now fixed on you. It's almost like he's looking through you, rather than at you, his mind swirling with a million different thoughts.

Finally, you soothe your dry mouth with quick sips of the water and find yourself unable to tear your gaze away from John.

Now you've noticed him, you feel like you can't stop. It must just be the heartache, the loneliness, and the impending upheaval of your life.

He meets your stare, looking right back at you for every second your eyes linger upon him. Until you force yourself to look at anything but him.

Whether he catches onto your shift in mood or is just genuinely interested, you don't know—but he asks after you anyway. "How are you feeling?"

You let out a defeated sigh, taking stock of your emotions. Right now you're filled with a swirl of confusion and clarity. Some things make more sense than ever, but there's a lot still to figure out.

"Honestly? Betrayed and hurting... but lighter, in a sense. As if I'm glad it's all over?" Your voice wavers a little with uncertainty, as by rights, you should probably feel worse than you do.

John nods understandingly before taking a harsh puff, his eyes hardening. "I should've spoken up sooner."

It feels like the world drops out from beneath you. Does that mean...?

"You knew?" You whisper shakily, not prepared to handle another betrayal.

"No, love. I couldn't do that to you—" He rushes to correct himself, his expression softening as he tries to soothe you. "—but I had my suspicions."

Relief floods you, knowing John didn't sit idly by and partake in the whole affair. If he had known and not said anything, that almost would've hurt just as much as the act itself. Instead, you feel validated, knowing you weren't the only one suspicious of James. After so long of being doubted, it's liberating to have your concerns reaffirmed.

"From the last time you visited?" You ask, wondering if he caught the telltale signs then too.

"Yes."

"Makes sense, he was with her that night. A lot of things make sense now, looking back." You take a long sip of your water, trying to not let the emotion inside overwhelm you. "I'm glad I don't have to live with the worry any more."

"I am too, sweetheart." In his eyes, you see an undeniable genuineness, an underlying fondness.

John takes a deep drag of smoke before blowing it around himself, when he speaks, his tone is more gravelled and gruff. "I've tried talking some sense into him before about the way he treated you, but—"

"He doesn't really listen to anyone else."

"Hmm."

The shared frustration hangs in the air as the smoke does, as well as a realisation for yourself that there is nothing now really tying you and John together—it makes your heart hurt more than it should.

"You should get some more rest." John says, interrupting the impending spiral of your thoughts.

He cares for you, genuinely. But you know he's not yours to keep.

You set your glass down on the table before rubbing at your eyes, uncaring of the way your mascara is likely smudging even further across your cheeks.

"You're right, but I know it's not gonna come easily." You sigh, before peering over your hands to narrow your eyes at the man sitting across from you. "Hey, you're awake too, you can't lecture me."

He barks a laugh, smoke sputtering around him as he withdraws his cigar, holding it between his finger and thumb as he stares you down—a severe look in his eyes and a smile playing at his lips. "Don't make me use my Captain voice on you."

You can't help but roll your eyes at that, and are almost tempted to urge him to try.

John's phone lights up from the coffee table, drawing your attention.

"Fuck, I bet I have so many missed calls and texts." You shiver just thinking about James' response when he finally drags his arse home and realises you're gone. Will he even care?

You certainly know he'll care when he finds out John has offered you a place to stay, when he sees his father treating you with the kindness he struggled to ever afford you himself. "I don't know if I should tell him where I am."

John shakes his head, humming in the negative before giving his gentle command. "Tomorrow, love, you'll need your strength to deal with all this."

"Always so wise." You smile lightly, appreciating his insight just as you always do.

The two of you meet eyes, as he exhales a lung of smoke that comes drifting in your direction. "With age comes wisdom..." He smirks, and you instantly rise to your feet.

"I'm leaving before I age ten years just from sitting next to you." Or, god forbid, letting any inappropriate thoughts seep in at the idea of his words. "Goodnight, John."

You give him your best smile before heading back to the stairs, not missing his sweet response.

"Goodnight, darling girl."

———

James (13 Missed Calls)

Where the fuck are you?

Why is your shit gone??

Pick up the fucking phone.

Thankfully you'd had the good sense to turn off your phone through the night, but the notifications and the harsh light of the screen burn your eyes come morning time.

You don't even bother flicking through the rest of the texts, as you resolve to address them later, after breakfast and more importantly, a discussion with John. There's a message or two from work colleagues that also go ignored for now—them checking in on you and making sure you're okay.

While you appreciate the gesture, you really don't want to address it right now—instead, you opt for scrolling away mindlessly, waiting for the motivation to get up and face the day to finally strike.

Instead, the day finds you, in the form of raucous shouting and doors slamming from downstairs—James roaring at John demanding answers, John trying to defuse the situation.

Fuck. He's here.

You tiptoe your way onto the landing, whole body on high alert as you listen in to the two men's argument.

"Let me past, John." James sounds beyond impatient as his way upstairs is clearly blocked.

"If you think you're going anywhere near that poor girl, you're sorely fucking mistaken." The threatening undertone to John's voice is downright unsettling, even to you.

"She's my girlfriend, and this is none of your fucking business."

"You're my son, and you're acting like a complete prick."

"Your son, come the fuck on." James scoffs. "Move out of the way."

"Wouldn't try that if I were you."

"Oh yeah?"

The sound of a scuffle forces you to move, running to the stairs and stopping halfway when you get closer to the men. James is trying to push past John, but is met by an impassable wall of muscle and protective determination.

The expression on James' face sickens you, one you've not seen before, and especially not directed at you or John.

"James."

His eyes snap to you, the lividity within unwavering. "What the fuck are you doing here?"

A voice in your head tells you to cower in fear, to appease him just as you have so many times before—but this time you know things have to be different. Your eyes flicker to John's, his look softening as he catches your gaze, despite using his body as a shield to hold James back.

John thinks you're worth it. John thinks you're worth jeopardising his relationship with his son over the way James has acted this time.

It's not that you want to forgive James anyway, not that you want to keep him around—it's just the ice in your veins, the survival instinct calling on you to back down.

But you can't, not this time.

"I know about Lucy." You force the words out before you can rethink them any further, standing firm.

James' expression shifts, as he launches into an attempt to placate you, pacify you. "Babe, I don't know what you've heard but—"

"Don't even try to explain it away, I don't wanna hear it." He won't let you doubt yourself again, and you make sure he hears it in the certainty in your voice. "I saw videos of the two of you."

He laughs and shakes his head dismissively, his tone downright mocking as he speaks. "We need to talk about this."

You fold your arms over your chest, confidence coursing through you. "I don't have anything to say, I'm not your girlfriend any more, and I'd appreciate it if you left."

"Not before you listen to me." He growls, but you don't relent.

You look at James, through him even, a part of you disconnecting completely from the man before you. He's no longer the man you love, he's a loose end mere moments from being tied up—a weight you're about to relinquish.

"I'll be back to continue packing my things, and we can talk about the rent and everything later." You even surprise yourself with the steadiness of your tone.

"Just let me explain—"

"No." You snarl, as James surges forward to try to grab you.

Once more, he's stopped in his tracks, being pushed back and away to keep you from harm's reach.

"Out, son, now." John's words are all growl, before changing to a more sinister stillness—the calmer threats from the man speak volumes more. "Or I'll make you leave."

James at least has the sense to move away, but while he has no physicality to push back with, he resorts to taunting. "Always got to be the knight in shining armour, showing up when you're not even needed. Pathetic, John. Go back to your own life and leave mine alone, yeah?" He spits.

There's a beat of silence, an air of disbelief surrounding all of you before John snaps.

"I said, out." John pushes back on James chest once more, sending the younger man stumbling backwards toward the open door.

At least now, he swallows his pride and leaves, but not before shooting you the most venomous look, one you know will haunt you.

John practically slams the door behind his son, working the locks into place to ensure there's no possibility of a repeat performance. "Sorry about that, I shouldn't have opened the door." John sighs, hanging his head in failure. "I never expected—"

"It's fine." You sigh, genuinely believing it. "First step to it all really being... over."

John says nothing, his chest heaving with each breath as he continues to look troubled and disappointed in himself.

You make your way down the last few steps, meeting him at the door to settle your hand on his bicep—hoping the gesture to be soothing and grounding. "Thanks for having my back, for keeping me safe.

"He's hurt you enough, and if he ever laid hands on you..." John's jaw clenches, his nostrils flaring as something bloody and violent passes over him.

"I think he'd know he'd end up in a body bag in a foreign country." You laugh, attempting to lighten the mood. "Good job that it won't come to that."

With one final deep breath, John straightens up, schooling himself into a stoic facade and pushing aside whatever rage is bubbling within him in a display of perfect discipline. "Sit down, love. I'll make us some tea."

He heads into the kitchen, and you follow just a few paces behind—falling onto one of the stools at the kitchen island as John gets the kettle on. You watch him work in silence, thoughts ticking over about the display you've just witnessed, the events that had just transpired.

You had looked at James and told him exactly how things were going to go, and for that, you were incredibly proud of yourself.

"I suppose I should head back later and start properly packing my shit up. The sooner I get everything out of there, the better." You comment, trying to envision the logistics of everything to come.

"I'll be there." John comments, pausing for a moment to meet your eye.

"I'm sure that will go down well." You smirk, mentally preparing yourself for another onslaught against you and John when you both show up at the house. His anger at you was expected, but the things he said to his father had seemingly come from nowhere. "I'm sorry about what he said to you."

"Don't be." John shrugs, before setting two mugs on the counter with just a little too much force. "It's always been there, under the surface. Blames his mum too, as I'm sure you know."

You watch his face, watch as he tries to keep his reactions in check—something he's very good at, and something you think you're getting better at seeing through.

"Yeah."

Is he reconsidering his decision to support you, now he knows the potential consequences that may come along with it? Is he truly hurting at what James said, or dismissing them as a by-product of the heightened emotions everyone was feeling? Right now you wish you could pick apart his thoughts, but everything right now feels so delicate, for both you and for him.

John sets a steaming mug before you, then takes a seat beside you at the island. "Let me know whenever you're ready to get packed up, can ask the lads over to help too if need be." He half-smiles, a lightness in the dark.

"I'm sure the two of us can handle it." You laugh lightly. "Not sure where I'll put all my stuff though."

"There's plenty of room here," John replies, before his voice softens. You stare at your tea as it warms your hands, but you can feel him looking right at you. "I meant everything I've said, and you can stay as long as you like. I also understand if it's too strange for you, I can help you figure something out."

"It's not strange, not really." You meet his too-blue eyes and almost have to turn away from the emotion within. "Even so, I don't have anywhere else to go right now, to be honest. I'm sorry."

"I'm happy to have you, truly." He reaches out, settling a hand on yours, his skin even warmer than the steaming mug. "Brightening up the place."

"Not sure I'm doing much of that right now."

"You are."

You shrug, but relent under his insistent tone. "Fair, if my bedhead and ratty pyjamas weren't a source of amusement I suppose I'd be disappointed."

"Attagirl." His hand squeezes, lingers for a moment before withdrawing.

You never realise how much you're missing until you feel John withdraw.

"Can we... not go today?" The confidence you felt earlier wanes as the adrenaline continues to die down. "I'd rather go another day if that's okay."

"I'm all yours, just give me the word."

The blush on your face is entirely coincidental, and you force yourself to move past the moment swiftly. "Until then... Jeopardy marathon?" You ask, as you have so many times before.

"Jeopardy marathon." John nods, grabbing the mugs as you rush to the living room. "Been a while since we've done this."

"Stop being so busy then." You grumble, flopping down on the couch with a pout. "Though I suppose the world isn't gonna save itself."

"You overestimate me, love." John grins as he takes a seat at the end of the couch and hands you the remote.

You load up Netflix and pull up the series, picking up where the two of you left off months ago, and as the show starts, you wiggle to get comfortable.

Almost absent-mindedly, John pulls your legs into his lap, freeing them from being curled up at his side and making you instantly more comfortable. He's always so considerate, and his hands settle respectfully on your shins as you both turn your attention to this episode's contestants.

It's peaceful in a way you haven't felt in so long—getting to enjoy one of your favourite things with someone you care for. James almost hated trivia shows with a passion, where John had talked with you at length about your shared love for Only Connect.

"Why couldn't I have met you first?" You ask, mostly thinking aloud.

John coughs, taken aback by your words that are laced with heavier meaning than you intended. "Pardon?"

"I just mean... so I didn't have to feel so guilty about wanting to be your friend." Didn't have to feel so guilty about straining his relationship with his son.

"We've known each other as long as I've known the boy." He squeezes at your shins, rubbing ever so slightly as he does. "We're friends, love."

You shrug, eyes flickering down to watch the way his hands trace over you, though not thinking too much of it. You're too trapped in your head, lamenting your lot in life that you had to suffer through James to find a friend in John, a friend you might still lose anyway. "He gets 'custody' of you though, really, since you're his father."

John straightens up, his hands stilling. "Think he's made how he feels about me quite clear."

"He'll regret saying that... I hope." You whisper, before turning your attention back to the TV. You don't know what to say to soothe John, and you strongly suspect it's not what he wants to speak about right now.

"Such is life, love. He'll regret stepping out on you." He returns.

"Good." You laugh freely, feeling a moment of unrestrained joy. "Can I be honest? I don't think I'll regret having him gone, sorry."

John squeezes again, drawing your attention back to him as he shoots you an annoyed look. "Going to have to do something about all that apologising you do."

"Sorry." You freeze, before giggling sweetly. "I mean... fuck. You'll just have to give me your most vicious captain look every time I do it."

You joke, but John obliges, trying to look stern but failing as a smile tugs at the corners of his lips. "Okay, you're wearing a quarter zip, and you look like a dad, I can't take you seriously."

John chuckles, clutching at his heart as his look turns playful. "Threatening my pride, darling girl."

You can't help the way your eyes roll back in your head. "Something tells me you'll be fine." You mutter, before the infectiousness of John seeps through to you.

He looks upon you fondly, his warm gaze almost feeling like an embrace with its tenderness. "Nice to see a smile back on your face, bunny."

"If I have to stop apologising, you have to stop calling me that." You say, unable to fight the blush creeping onto your face.

"No deal, love." He smirks, not looking away for a single second. "We both know you enjoy it far too much."

#captain price x reader #john price x reader #captain john price x reader #captain price #captain john price #john price #call of duty x reader #nobody does it like you do #call of duty fanfiction #why are my chapters so long please send help??

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gon-and-killuas-mother · 4 months

Text

so frustrated with my dad. he tells me, in a loving father voice, that if i want to change my life and do more and see the world, i just need to change my mindset

i'll give him that yeah, i could use a few adjustments to my "mindset", i have this helplessness about me that isn't always warranted. i know i have the ability to choose to go to bed sooner so i can wake up earlier. i know i can choose to make all sorts of changes that could bring me a lot of relief and stability.

but i just want to scream "changing my mindset won't cure my fibromyalgia, or give me the ability to eat freely without fear of pain, or fix my POTS and pain induced fatigue."

the problem is. that's the mindset he wants me to change. he thinks i can do whatever i want regardless of my limitations, and i should set higher goals so i can see the world and do impossible things because i can.

what's so infuriating is that i so desperately want the things he wants for me. i want to climb mountains, travel the world, swim with whales. i want to learn kendo and roller skating and modern dances. i want to go on road trips with my friends for no other reason than to enjoy the journey.

and i feel so robbed of it. i'm missing out on so much life has to offer because of how terrified i am of being caught in an IBS episode and having to use a public restroom, because of how much pain and exhaustion driving or even just riding in cars for long periods makes me.

i've physically improved in the few months since moving in with my dad just bc i have to use the stairs multiple times a day and walk further distances to get from my room to the kitchen. i can walk up a short hill now with only a little pain! but walking still hurts. basic chores are a little easier but still take more spoons than a normal person.

my dad means well. he wants to see me happy and it bothers him to watch me drift through existence. he's a man of action, and he can't comprehend why i'm so hesitant to "participate in life".

but he's never been disabled, outside of sports injuries. he's a physically fit, athletic middle aged man defying norms by leading boxing workouts with guys half his age, by climbing 14,000 ft mountains, by being a well known soccer referee when most refs are, at minimum, fifteen years younger. his idea of a vacation is a long, hard hike on challenging paths. "rest" is not something he's familiar with.

how the fuck am i supposed to explain to this man that i'm fighting against my body every single day just to accomplish the barest minimum? how do i explain that self discipline means jack shit when brain fog dominates my existence?

i know i can do better. i know i can be healthier, happier, and able to rely on myself.

it's just. it feels like a slap in the face when he sees this struggle and thinks i'm choosing this life. when he told me i shouldn't lower the goalpost, that i should aim high and ignore my limitations, it felt like he dismissed my disabilities as things to "overcome". as though i haven't been wading through waist high pain and depression just to survive.

that fucking hurts. he believes he's being helpful, and there's probably some gain in challenging me bc some part of me wants to take up that challenge. but i really fucking wish he would stop treating me like an able-bodied person.

sigh. anyway. i'm so tired of this.

#tink rambles #vent #personal #disability

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robininthelabyrinth · 4 years

Note

Nice! I'm loving how you write, you write really well! 😍 could you write jiggy as a rogue cultivator? His Nie brother was angry enough that he thought it would be a good idea to bail for a little. And something something 😊

“Of course I’ll recognize him,” Jin Guangshan said when the war was won, and those were the words Meng Yao had been waiting for so long to hear. The validation he’d craved, that he’d demanded, that he’d betrayed and killed and schemed for – his mother’s first and last dream for him, the one he’d sworn to her memory that he would honor no matter what the cost.

The man wasn’t even talking to him.

“He’s my son, isn’t he?” Jin Guangshan said, puffing his chest out as all the cultivators around him oohed and ahhed over his generosity. “He’ll be part of the family, with a proper name and everything – you can call him Jin Guangyao.”

“A good name,” one of the sycophant sect leaders that always hovered by Jin Guangshan’s side said, sickening smile on his lips; it was echoed by those like him.

Guang – that was the name of the prior generation. Properly speaking, given his age, it ought to be Jin Ziyao, but that would be too much, wouldn’t it? It might imply that he had anything to do with the next generation, with the line of succession, and Jin Guangshan clearly didn’t want to give anyone the wrong idea, least of all him.

This is what I’ve sacrificed so much for?

“He’d already joined the Jin sect, you know,” Jin Guangshan was telling someone now. “Before we sent him off to be a spy – his merits should be counted in the Jin sect’s favor, when we begin to split up the spoils. And since he was the one who brought down Wen Ruohan, that should get us the most…”

Meng Yao instinctively tensed, waiting for Nie Mingjue to give Jin Guangshan the tongue-lashing a shameless statement like that deserved. When it didn’t come, he turned to look at the man.

Nie Mingjue was sitting down, which he hated to do, his eyes blankly gazing out into the distance. His clothing was clean, and his saber was at his back; there was nothing in his bearing or posture that hinted that he’d been in chains less than a full day earlier, forced to kneel before the man he hated most.

He looked tired.

Meng Yao suddenly wanted to go to his side the way he had when he was the man’s deputy. No one would have questioned it, back then; it would have all been simple and straightforward, the way most things were with the Nie sect. They would have all assumed he had some reason, or even just that Nie Mingjue would be happy to have him there – and he had been, consistently, even if Meng Yao really hadn’t had any reason to be there.

Everyone just accepted that his rightful place was at the Sect Leader’s side.

Even if there’d been whispers implying things between them, and of course there’d been whispers, quite a large number of people had actually sounded admiring about it, of all improbable things – he’d limped once because of a rock in his shoe, and half a dozen cultivators had offered him toasts, quite sincerely, for having had the bravery to scale such an imposing mountain.

Nie Mingjue wouldn’t be happy to have him there now.

There wasn’t any reason for him to go there now, anyway. He’d done just as Nie Mingjue had predicted, the bitter words he’d hissed to Lan Xichen when the latter man had proposed they swear brotherhood when the battle had ended: you know he only wants the glory so that he can buy his way into his father’s sect, why should I let him step on me to get there more than he has already –

He’d agreed to swear brotherhood, in the end. Meng Yao didn’t know if it was for Lan Xichen’s sake, or his own, and Nie Mingjue certainly hadn’t looked happy about it, but he’d agreed.

Maybe he’d just been too tired to keep fighting. Before, Meng Yao would have scoffed at the thought - Nie MIngjue? Not fighting?

But now...

Jin Guangshan would be very happy when he found out about their agreement to swear brotherhood whenever an appropriate place and shrine could be found. A direct connection between his sect and two sect leaders? That was even more valuable than the merits of being a war hero, and more lasting – Meng Yao could leverage it into a better position than the one undoubtedly being planned for him. He could use it to win a place at Jin Guangshan’s side, and from there he could determined where to go next - how best to serve his father’s interests, to win his attention, and climb his way to the top.

It was what he’d planned.

It was…pointless.

He’d only promised his mother he’d get the name, hadn’t he? Jin Guangshan’s recognition. That’s what he’d told her as she’d faded away, her hands in his: he’d promised her that he’d make it to Lanling, and one day his father would call him by the name he deserved to have.

The promise that one day he’d be the one at the top of those stairs, looking down at those he would be able to crush beneath his feet – that’d only been a promise he’d made to himself.

Those were much easier to break.

“You honor me, Father,” Meng Yao said, suddenly full of recklessness, holding his arms up gracefully to salute. “I gladly accept the name you have chosen to bestow upon me.”

Jin Guangshan looked smugly satisfied by his meek obedience. “Yes, well,” he said. “We’ll have to find a place for you, too – something to keep you busy.”

Something to keep you out of the way.

Just as he’d expected.

“No need,” Meng Yao said, and he noticed out of the corner of his eye that Nie Mingjue had turned his head to look at him. He couldn’t see the man’s expression, but he hoped he was surprised. “Your recognition is enough for me. I will of course come to Lanling to pay my filial respects, but I fear I’ve been outside for too long to feel comfortable anywhere. With your permission, I intend to continue to be a rogue cultivator.”

Jin Guangshan looked surprised, but also pleased; the man truly was a short-sighted idiot, thinking about how much trouble it would save him not to have to bring Meng Yao – to bring Jin Guangyao home, and not at all about what he might be giving up by not doing so.

Meng Yao’s brains clearly all came from his mother.

Jin Guangshan would be kicking himself over it when he heard the news of the swearing ceremony – Meng Yao intended to do that much, at least. Abandoning a position he didn’t actually want was one thing, but he’d earned that oath, the backing of two of the most powerful people in the world. Even if Nie Mingjue hated him forever, he wouldn’t allow anyone to look down on someone who called him brother, and his support, along with Lan Xichen’s, would undoubtedly be very handy in the future, no matter what he eventually chose to do with his life.

“Of course, of course,” Jin Guangshan said, and he was saying it in public, too; it would be too late for him to change his mind, later. Not without a loss of face that he wouldn’t be able to bear. “As you see fit, A-Yao. In fact, I think it’s a good idea - don’t all of you? These young men, war heroes, they’re all so flighty, aren’t they? All they think about is glory…it would be a cruelty to tie them down with responsibilities they don’t need. You can always return to Lanling, of course, whenever you need aid, and call upon our resources, within reason –”

Lanling Jin was wealthy enough that Meng Yao could buy everything he’d ever wanted three times over without them even noticing, but Jin Guangshan just had to add in that little ‘within reason’. A sign of the humiliations Meng Yao would have had to endure, if he’d stubbornly stayed the course.

He’d had his fill of humiliation. A lifetime’s worth.

“– and of course you have the right to wear sparks amid snow if you wish.”

Meng Yao saluted again, murmured a thank you, and retreated.

“Are you sure?” Lan Xichen asked him, looking worried. “I thought you wanted…”

“I changed my mind,” Meng Yao told him. “Maybe I’ll come visit you in Gusu instead.”

Lan Xichen smiled, and Meng Yao’s heart skipped a beat the way it always did. “You’re always welcome.”

“At Qinghe, too,” an unexpected voice said, and Meng Yao glanced over at Nie Mingjue – standing now, but leaning against a wall. His clothing had gaped open a little when he’d moved, revealing a hint of white bandages beneath his robes. He must have been injured much worse than Meng Yao had realized for it to still be affecting him.

Lan Xichen brightened while Meng Yao was still wondering what had happened to Nie Mingjue during that missing time between his capture at Yangquan and his presentation before the throne at the Nightless City. “Does that mean you’ve..?”

“I’m swearing brotherhood with him, of course he can come visit,” Nie Mingjue cut him off, turning his face away in what might even be embarrassment. “There’s nothing more to it than that.”

There was, of course. Meng Yao had turned down something that suited his self-interest, a move atypical of him, entirely contrary to the shallow and ambitious person Nie Mingjue had judged him to be – he’d gotten Nie Mingjue’s curiosity up. It wasn’t forgiveness, not even close, but it was something.

He could use that.

“Qinghe, too,” Meng Yao said, and smiled. “Maybe I’ll build up a collection of fans as I travel and leave them all there for Huaisang’s amusement.”

Nie Mingjue groaned. “Don’t; it’s already bad enough – do you know he’s filled up an entire closet?”

“An entire closet?” Lan Xichen asked, amused. “Surely not –”

“I swear he got one for every day of the war –”

“Surely not. He can’t even use that many!”

“I’m telling you, Xichen –”

Some time alone would be good, Meng Yao decided. He would use the time to think about what he wanted to do with his life – what he wanted, not his mother’s dreams for him.

And when he was done thinking –

Well.

There was always Gusu and Qinghe waiting for him.

#mdzs #meng yao #jin guangyao #lan xichen #nie mingjue #jin guangshan #my fic #my fics #Anonymous

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charliedawn · 3 years

Text

The Joke's on Us part 4

Warning : possessive behavior.

A dark shadow floats on top you and gently caresses your face.

" Soon..We'll be reunited, old friend."

Penny gasps, recognizing that shadow from the deep confines of his memories..Maturin had mentioned him when they were still friends.

" Shardik.."

At the mention of his name, the shadow quickly turns towards Penny whose breath stops. Shardik's smile widens and he floats on top of Penny to stare at him straight in the eyes.

" Ah..You must be one of the creatures Maturin created. A shame, I really thought you would be more..impressive ?"

Penny only snarls at him before responding with a threat.

" What were you doing ? I swear that if you touch her..I'll kill you."

The entity, far from being intimidated, only laughs loudly at Penny's menace which seems to amuse him more than anything.

" Really ? And how will you do that without your powers, Penny ? Don't forget that I am as powerful as you were and as old as Maturin. Funny, the old turtle really thought you and Pennywise could stop me when he is gone. Imagine how much he was disappointed when he realized that your hatred towards humanity was blinding you. He never got you those powers to use them against humans, or children..He wanted you to protect them. But, now that the old turtle is dead and you two are too weak to stop me. I'll be able to rule over that planet. I'll suck upon its energy until there is nothing left. I'll even start with you little charming town. Derry, is it ?"

Penny glares up at him, but had to admit that he can't protect you like this. Now that he is only human, he is happy, happier than he's ever been..but..The shadow chuckles evilly in the shell of his ear.

" That planet has been without order for much too long..It passed its life expectancy hundreds of years ago..But don't worry, as soon as I will have ate her, Maturin's powers will be in me and I will make sure to bring an end to humanity.."

Penny growls at the mention of you being eaten by Shardik and tries to jump on him with a roar.

" Don't you dare touch her !"

However, he suddenly wakes up, covered in sweat and sees that you are the one who woke him up. Your eyebrows are tensed in obvious worry and, without any words, Penny wraps his arms around you. He had felt fear before..but not like that..never like that..His heart is racing against his ribcage and he is holding onto you like it is the last time.

" P..Penny ? Are you alright ?"

Your question makes him open his eyes and come back to reality. You are running your hand gently on top of his head, smoothing his hair in the process to calm him down. He finally steps back and looks at Pennywise that had woken up as well. The both of them had felt it..He was coming back. You look at the both of them with a confused expression and finally ask, tired by the secrecy of both men.

" That's it. What's going on ? Why do you look so grave all of a sudden ?!"

Penny doesn't answer, he only stands up and gets out of the room without another word. You turn towards Pennywise, hoping for some kind of explanation. He doesn't peep either and only returns to the sofa that had become his bed for the time being. However, you don't let it go and sit in front of him with a determined look on your face.

" Now, you're going to tell me what's going on."

You didn't mean to make it sound like an order, but you couldn't just let them fend for themselves anymore. Pennywise finally turns towards you and sighs loudly before telling you what this was all about.

" Penny and I always had a very deep connection with Maturin, we could feel his presence and so could he. However, Maturin is not the only entity out there. The world has at least 12 entities guarding it. One of them being Shardik..Shardik is one of the twelve guardians of Beams that hold up The Dark Tower. It is a cyborg bear that stands over forty feet tall and one ugly unkillable bastard with more energy than millions of suns. He was pissed to know that I killed his brother and wanted to come and exterminate this planet on which lives his brother's murderer..But like many, he was scared of us. But now that we lost our powers ? He's coming, and with you being the turtle's successor ? We will all die for sure."

You lean against the back of your chair and sigh loudly. You only are a painting teacher..Of course he would crush you. But, that didn't mean you had to give up.

" Well, aren't you the optimist ?! Why don't you show me how to fight instead of complaining ?!"

He ignores you and only turns his back to you as he pretends to fall asleep again. You stand up and suddenly throws his blanket off. That get a reaction and you can hear a growl from him as he stands up to face you menacingly.

" Why ?! You want to know why ?! Because of this !"

He suddenly takes you by the shoulder and digs his thumb in your wounded flesh. You whine in pain and Pennywise immediately retracts his hand.

" Do you really think that you'll ever be able to vanquish Shardik the bear with a human body ?! He would squish you in an instant! Learn how to heal yourself, then we'll talk about your fighting skills.."

You glare at him: deep inside, you know he is right, but that doesn't make it any less frustrating. You humph at him before leaving the room to join your bedroom, but then, you hear someone crying upstairs. You follow the sound and find Penny, sitting on the floor and leaning against one of the corridor's wall. He looks up at you when he hears you approaching and you crouch by his side with a reassuring smile.

" Hey..We're going to be okay..Alright ?"

You try to comfort him, but he only sobs.

" What if..What if you can't beat him ? What if the only solution is for us to get back into who we were ?"

You sigh, knowing that if there were to be no other solution, you would have to break your promise..You would have to hurt them, one way or another.

" I guess I'll have to change you back. I know that I prefer you to have the choice but..If there are no other solution, I'll have to break my promise. I can't let you die. Not when I know I could have avoided it.."

You sit next to him and you both stay quiet for a moment, lost in your thoughts until Penny looks at you with his eyes full of uncertainty.

" And what if I don't want to get back to what I was ? What if I want to stay human ?"

You can't help but smile and tears start to build up in your eyes..Why couldn't the universe leave them alone ? You are so close to them finally accepting their new forms..

" Then, I'll guess it'll be my job to be sure that you don't have to."

He smiles back and before you know it, you are both holding hands. You don't try to get it out, even though you know that at any moment, Penny could come back to his old ways. You're not scared of him, you aren't even sure if you ever really were ? You don't even notice that Pennywise had climbed up the stairs and is now looking at the both of you from afar with a slight frown. He only turns away and waits when he is safe in is bed to grunt.

" What does she find in him..?"

Unaware that his eyes glow a slight orange in the dark for a second.

The next day, you decide that it's grocery shopping time. However, the two clowns are still sound asleep and you take the opportunity to get out alone. Once in the street, you take a breath of fresh air and start walking towards the shop, wondering what you should buy for the two men. You enter the shop and start looking around. You are lost in your thoughts and don't see another person coming in your direction. You suddenly collide with said person and look up to see a man with blue eyes and a nice smile.

" I'm sorry. I didn't see you there."

He extends his hand towards you and you take it with a grateful smile.

" No. It's me. I should have looked where I was going."

His smile widens as you shake his hand. He introduces himself.

" I'm Dan. I don't really know my way around here. I'm the new teacher from down the block."

You smiles politely and introduce yourself as well.

" I'm Y/N. Nice to meet you. I'm the Art teacher of the neighborhood."

His eyes seem to light up at the mention of you being an Art teacher.

" Really ?! You're the Art teacher ? My cousin never stops talking about you. Tom ?"

You seem to remember last time and wince at the memory. Seems like Tom hadn't said anything about the incident..You try your best to keep your composure and automatically feel that you need to make amends somehow.

" Do you want..Do you want a coffee ?"

He smiles again and nods.

" Sure ! Lead the way."

You take your groceries and pay them before getting out. You end up in a small coffee shop and both take what you want before sitting outside.

" I'm sorry. You must think it's weird that I never came before. I just moved in from the States so..Tom isn't even aware that I'm back yet."

Oh. Well, you still hoped that Tom hadn't talked to anyone about what had happened. You smile and shake you head.

" Not at all. Tom is a very nice boy and I always like to meet the families of my students. It helps to understand them better. Although, it's the first time I actually invite a member for a coffee."

" I should be honored then."

He takes a sip of his coffee before winking playfully at you. You blush and let a small chuckle.

" To tell you the truth..Tom and I have been quite distant since our older brother died. I do sometimes feel guilty for leaving him, but.."

You see that he is concerned and put you hand on his compassionately.

" I'm sorry..It must have hurt."

You had heard about Tom losing a brother, he did have a period when he could only draw dark things. Horrible things. It must have been a shock for everyone in his family. Dan smiles gratefully at you before answering.

" Don't worry. It's been a year now. I'm stronger than this."

You smile sadly at him, but then feel two very familiar shadows looming over you from behind. A hand grabs your shoulder and squeezes it in silent warning.

" Hi Y/N. Who is this ?"

Penny..And Pennywise is certainly not far behind. Dan stands up and stretches his hand towards them with a bright smile.

" Oh ! Sorry ! My name is Dan, I'm the brother of one of Y/N's students. And you are ?"

You are about to answer when Pennywise does it for you. He takes his hand and smiles forcefully.

" Pleasure. My name is Robert, and this is Bob. We're her roommates. Unfortunately, she seems to have forgotten about us this morning. You should have woke us up, Y/N. We would have helped you with the groceries."

He may sound calm, but you know better: the way he pronounces the last word makes you understand that he is pissed. Even Dan seems to understand as he retracts his hand and addresses you one last smile.

" Well..I should go. It was nice to meet you, Y/N."

However, he still writes something on a piece of paper and hands it to you.

"Here is my number, just in case."

He then gives one last nod in acknowledgement to the two men before turning and walking away. You have cold sweat running down your back as you can feel the murderous glares of the two clowns behind you.

" Let's go. Shall we ?"

Penny finally ask, more like commands as he grabs you harshly by the arm and drags you towards the house. You just have the time to get your bags. As soon as you are home, you run towards the kitchen and pretend to be busy with putting the grocery items on the shelves and in the fridge.

" W..What do you want for..?"

You don't have the time to finish your sentence as Pennywise suddenly comes behind you and wraps his arms around you.

" Now, princess..You're going to turn around and face us. We're not angry. We just want to talk."

"..Just want to talk..?"

You repeat with a broken voice, making sure that you heard right. Pennywise only nods slowly and you gulp loudly before turning around with your eyes closed tight.

" Come on, darling..You know that we want to see your eyes..Come on."

You tentatively open one eye, then the other in shock. They are not angry..They are very mad. You see that their eyes have changed colors and their skins are white..the same white than a few weeks ago. Suddenly, Penny takes you by the throat and pins you to the fridge while Pennywise presses his nose again your throat. He then inhales deeply and growls perceptibly.

" Looks like your little stunt hurt us more than we thought..I'm smelling your fear, sweetheart. And it smells delicious..One more minute, and we would have surely taken our true appearances back."

You don't understand. You hadn't hurt them, so why are they taking their clown forms back ?! Why are they angry even ?! You try to breathe, but Penny's mouth is against yours in a second..You open your eyes wide 'Everything makes sense now. They are jealous. Pain..They're in pain. You whimper when he bites your bottom lip. But, you don't open your mouth and he groans.

" You are going to open that mouth, sweet thing..Or I'm not sure you'll have a mouth to close at the end of the day.."

You open your eyes wide and tears are falling down your face. You don't have a choice but to open your mouth. But before he could do much, Pennywise gets a hold of him and throws him away from you.

" What the heck, Penny ?! When I said we were supposed to talk, I didn't mean by putting your tongue in her mouth ! Jeez ! Get a hold of yourself, kid !"

For a moment, shame and guilt seem to take a hold of Penny and he shakily stands back. He seems confused himself..Why did he do that ? Pennywise is taken aback by the clown's kiss..Where the heck did he even learn that from ?! Pennywise then returns to you, curled into a little ball on the floor and his heart tightens..Sh*t. They got carried away..Again. He sighs loudly and takes back his human form. Penny also loses his white skin and his yellow eyes. He wants to approach you but, you cry out.

" Don't touch me !"

Penny freezes and tries to nuzzle your neck as an apology, but you frown and push him back.

" No, Penny ! I'm angry ! You didn't have the right ! I didn't want you to be my first kiss ! I wanted someone who loved me !"

He looks up to Pennywise for help, but the older clown just shrugs. He has no idea of what to do..Truth is, he doesn't even know what all the problem is with "first kiss". He knows that a girl had to remain pure in order to marry when he was still alive..But he thought that rule had been abandoned long ago ? However, you seem very upset and Penny doesn't like it when you cry. He tries to think of a solution, of anything to make you forget what happened..He wants to get out the music box, but in your rage, you grab it and smash it against the wall. To your horror, you realize too late what you've done and Penny roars before pouncing on you, his teeths bare and ready to chomp on you. Pennywise tries to make him get off you, but he is too weak and Penny doesn't have any problem pushing him aside. However, Pennywise falls and knocks his head against a nearby table. You can see blood, and so does Penny. Penny quickly gets back to his human form and shakes Pennywise to wake him up.

" Pennywise ! What's going on ?!"

Pennywise only groans in pain when Penny shakes him again. You instantly come by his side and automatically feel the sweat covering his arms and forehead. You then see a strange mark on his neck and blood starts getting out from his nose, eyes and ears. You quickly unbutton his shirt and gasp in horror.

" Oh my God.."

He was covered by black sports that seemed to spread all over him like a..a disease.

" P..Pennywise. Did you have the..?"

" The black plague ?"

He guesses and you nod. He sighs and finally nods.

" Yes. It was not as bad as my family though.."

You bite your lower lip..By how fast it was spreading, he had a few hours at best. The disease seemed to have survived with him. You are about to call the ambulance when Pennywise stops you.

" Don't..Don't call the hospital. Those bastards won't know what to do..They're not prepared. Plus, they could get infected."

You sigh before remembering that..

" Pennywise..You bit me."

Your voice is shaking as you wonder if you will have it too..? Pennywyse's eyes widen and he curses.

" Sh*t. I have no idea.."

You have trouble breathing and put your hands in your pockets as you pace back and force, wondering what you should do ? You suddenly feel something inside your palm and quickly get it out to look at it. Sam's number..Inviting him could maybe break the deal and make them return to what they were ? Save them ? You shiver at the thought. Yes..But at what price ? You look back at Pennywise, his eyes are closed and his breathing very bad..You don't have a choice. You call him. It doesn't take you long to have him on the other side of the line.

" Hello ?"

" Sam ? Hey ! Could you come over ?"

You emphasize on his name, which make both of the clowns groan loudly in disapproval. However, they know what you're trying to do and don't try to stop you.

" Yeah ! Sure! I'll be right here !"

You force yourself to smile, still wanting to sound excited as to see him. However, the clowns seem to slowly change and growl loudly in the background. You hang off and look at them with a small sad smile.

" You know that it's the only way..Please, don't make this even more complicated than it really is."

Both clowns seem to understand your sacrifice and Pennywise slowly takes your hand with, for the first time in forever, tears in his eyes.

" Thank you, sweetheart."

You only nod and then, ask Penny to move him upstairs, as for Dan not to see him. He reluctantly agrees and helps you move the man upstairs. You then ask Penny to go hide in the basement. You prepare yourself and it doesn't take long for the doorbell to ring. You take a big breath before opening the door and letting Dan in. He looks around and finally smiles at you.

" Hi. So, what did you want to talk about ?"

You bite your lip and start thinking of a good reason for his presence.

" I..I just thought that it's been a long time since I've last had company and I wanted to see you again.."

He smiles and nods before sitting down on the couch. You gulp loudly before sitting beside him and looking at everything but him. He seems to catch on your nervousness and gently runs his hand on your back to soothe you.

" Hey, if you're not ready, I understand. I can wait and.."

" No !"

You hadn't meant to sound so desperate, but Pennywise was dying and you didn't know how to save him but to hurt him the only way you could. You take Dan by the collar and suddenly kiss him on the lips. He seems surprised at first, but reciprocates soon enough. You open your eyes and see that his are closed, he is actually enjoying the kiss. You smile. Maybe it wasn't so bad ? Penny and Pennywise would go down to the sewers and you would get to have a normal life back. However, you should have known that things wouldn't be so simple. Dan starts to be more persistent and slowly slides his hand up your thigh.

" No, Dan, wait.."

But he doesn't wait and only deepens the kiss to shut you up. Suddenly, someone pushes you apart harshly and you see Penny that took back his original form. He glares at Dan and growls menacingly before taking you in his arms and running in the basement. When he stops, you call him, nervous and scared that he would hurt you.

" Penny ?"

You ask, afraid that something had gone wrong..But, Penny only smiles with his multiple rows of very sharp teeths before answering you in his familiar high-pitched singing voice.

" ~I'm back.."

You smile in relief, but Penny suddenly takes you by the throat and you only have the time to look at him with widened eyes.

" Don't look at me like that..We wouldn't want Shardik to come and get you.."

When you fall into complete darkness, you barely hear Penny adding something in the shell of your ear.

" Don't worry. When all of this is over, we'll make sure to remind you who you truly belong to..You've been playing with us for too long, pet. With no humanity to abide by, there will be nothing to hold me back.."

Whereas upstairs, Pennywise enters the room transformed as you and takes Dan by the neck to kiss him harshly. However, when Dan opens his eyes, Pennywise is standing before him with a large grin.

" Surprise, shawty ! Not the person you were expecting, huh ? What ? Never kissed a clown before ? Remember that when the girl says no, it means no."

And then, without a warning, Pennywise sinks his teethes into Dan's shoulder. However, he doesn't scream. Pennywise feels something acid in his mouth and quickly steps back with a sour growl.

" You aren't human.."

Dan only chuckles before sitting on the couch in a nonchalant manner. His skin quickly turning to a pale shade of white and his eyes brighten almost mischievously.

" Man..Didn't think it would take you this long to figure it out.."

#fandoms #fanfic #imagine #pennywise 1990 #pennywise 1990 x y/n x pennywise 2017 #pennywise 2017 #pennywise x reader

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mrs-dynamight · 3 years

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Be Nice To Me 4

Part 3

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Pairing: Katsuki Bakugou x fem!Reader, Denki Kaminari x fem!Reader

Warnings: Eventual mature content, angst, hurt/comfort, love triangle, the reader is lowkey toxic, everything will be adressed in every episode (:

Chapter warning: Just a single curse word.

Chapter: 4/? I'm sorry, this is going to be long :c but I just loooove writing it

Synopsis: You're in love with your best friend Bakugou, and you're cofessing to him but things get a lot more complicated when Denki starts to treat you different *wink wink*

Word count: 1.6k

Author's note: This is a little bit shorter, but it's pure fluff, and the next one is going to be so long they will compensate eachother, hope you enjoy it!

Chapter 4 Bloom- The Paper Kites

I was floating in cloud nine, everything I have ever dreamt of suddenly became true, there he was, the boy of my dreams liking me back, what else could’ve I asked for? Maybe a little more time together before he’s gone.

The doubts in my heart were getting more difficult to ignore with every passing minute, we came back to the dorms like two hours ago but I was incapable of going to bed, let alone trying to sleep, there was so much to think about, were we a couple? I’ve never had a boyfriend, I don’t know how these things are supposed to work, we like each other, that’s all that it takes right? A long-distance relationship? I’ve heard that those never work, or should we wait for him to come back to make it official? Aren’t we already official? We’ve kissed, like a lot, there was even some tongue; ugh those thoughts made me feel so embarrassed.

The light of my home screen lightly illuminated the room, and with my blushed cheeks I went to check who was messaging me, it was Kaminari, I opened the text that reads “R u awake? I had a nightmare and I really could use a hug from my bestie rn” followed by five crying emojis; “See you in the place” said my reply, the place was this empty service room in the rooftop of the dorms, nobody ever used it for anything so it is completely empty, we made a copy of the key one day that we had to clean the entire dorms because a certain yellow-haired guy decide to play “potions” in chemistry class, and since then it’s been our hiding place, it had everything that we needed, a lot of junk food, fairy lights, a portable speaker, blankets and an Opossum holding a cigarette poster in one wall; whenever one of us needed a break from the outside world we came here, this is our safe space.

I opened the door to the place and saw Denki standing there, he looked so tiny and vulnerable, I hugged him instantly, the dim fairy lights in the opossum wall made his facial features even prettier, it was obvious he had been crying, I didn’t asked any question and he didn’t said anything, we just hugged for what it seemed like hours, with a heavy sight he pulled apart and give me smile

-Thanks Y/N I really needed that- Said Denki with his hand in my cheek and his eyes fixed in some point between us

-They’re back, aren’t they? - I asked with concern

He nodded and lied in one of our blankets in the floor, I did the same, we both were looking at the glow in the dark stars glued to the celling not saying a single word, he held my hand and started to cry

-Why do they keep coming back? I don’t wanna be afraid anymore- I knew exactly what he meant, he had a recurrent nightmare, a big fight against villains, every one of us dying in awful ways, he is always the last one to die, and before that there is always someone telling him that he is the weakest of us, that this was all his fault for not being enough.

-Your mind is playing tricks on you, you are not weak, I know I’ve told you that a gazillion times, but I’m willing to do it a million more, all the times you need it, I’m here, we are all safe and sound, you have nothing to worry about- Anytime the nightmares come back I make sure Denki knows he’s just as strong as any of our other classmates, that he’s smart and capable of being a great hero.

-I want to be able to protect you, I don’t want you to die- Said Denki facing me and locking his eyes with my own.

-I promise you, I’m not going to die in the hands of a villain, I’m going to die being the coolest grandma in the neighbourhood, doing a sick backflip and daring Satan himself to come for my soul- I said to make Denki laugh, and apparently it worked

-You’re my best friend Y/N, I don’t know what I would do if you weren’t here, please never stop being like that-

-Being how? -

-I don’t know, funny, smart, a real pain in the ass to the villains and the teachers, a stubborn whiney stuff-

-Are you sure you aren’t describing yourself? –

-Nah, I didn’t said the most handsome man who ever walked the earth, but you’re not bad looking-

We both laughed, I really enjoyed being around Denki, his presence always felt comforting, like coming back home after a long trip, or eating your favourite homemade dish after a rough day, like a cool late summer breeze, he makes my heart warm and my troubles go away, I never feel more like myself than when I’m around him. That’s what friendship feels like, right?

-Could you do me one last favour Y/N? – Denkis voice took me out of my own mind -I don’t want to go back to my room and have another nightmare, I don’t wanna make you unconformable or anything, but could I sleep with you? -

It definitely took me by surprise, we had a lot of sleepovers over the years, but never just the two of us

-I understand if you say no, but I promise I just want to sleep, and having you around makes me feel safe-

-I have an idea, let’s have a sleepover here in the place, I’ll put one of those white noise videos that last hours, so you don’t have to think about anything-

-I’ll set the alarm to get up early and go to our dorms before anyone sees us, thank you so much Y/N, I’ll make it up to you, I promise-

-You don’t have to; I know you’ll do the same for me-

-You’re an angel but with no wings-

-So, like a person? –

-Shut up Aubrey Plaza-

We were both lying in the blankets on the floor, our heads at the same level (look at the reference above) and I was slowly falling asleep, all I could hear was the white noise and Denkis soft breathing, I closed my eyes and just before I completely lost my consciousness and succumb to the tiredness of my body I heard it, Denkis soft voice, “I love you Y/N”. I turned my head to look at him with my heart racing miles, but he was deeply asleep. Maybe I just imagined the whole thing, it probably was my tired mind, I took one last look to the boy next to me, sleeping so peacefully and with a little smile in his lips feeling the same familiar warmth in my soul, is this really what friendship feels like?

The alarm went off exactly at 5 am, I woke up and it took me a moment to realize that I wasn’t in my dorm room, then I remembered Denkis nightmare, our sleepover, and that thing I thought I heard. I had to wake Denki up so we could go to our respective rooms without Aizawa founding out we were out of our rooms at night, or even worse that we had the keys of the place. I sat there and moved Denki to wake him up. He opened one eye and whined

-But moooooom, it’s Saturday, I don’t have to go to school-

-Come on Denki we have to go to our rooms-

-Five more minutes- He said and hugged my leg

-Do you want Iida to found out we didn’t sleep in our rooms and telling Aizawa? -

And just like that he got up and started heading to the door

-Shit, you’re right, come on, you know that guy wakes up hella early-

We were in the stairs heading to our rooms, and although we were on Denkis floor, he kept climbing down the stairs with me.

-You don’t have to escort me to my room Denki-

-Oh but I want to- Replied the yellow haired guy

When we were in front of my door he leaned down and planted a chaste kiss in my forehead.

-Thank you for being there for me, I will remember this night for the rest of my life- And he turned around without waiting for a response disappeared heading towards the stairs.

I stepped into my room with a heavy cloud around my mind, there was so many feelings inside me that I couldn’t even tell them apart, where do I draw the line between friendship and love? Between admiration and affection? Between what I feel for Bakugo and what I feel for Denki?

I closed my eyes and remembered everything that happened yesterday, Bakugos confession, our shared kisses, the promise we made, six months apart now sounded a lot more crucial, after all the things that could happen in the matter of a few hours. Did I just said that because the heat of the moment? The words Bakugo said to me sounded so mature and logical, not like my own thoughts right now, am I just a slave of my own feelings? How would he react if he were me? What about Denki? Was he aware of all those years after his friend? And what if he knew and that is the reason why he hasn’t told me anything yet? Maybe I was just overthinking the situation, nothing was written in stone, neither my relationship with Katsuki nor Denkis feelings for me. I was getting tired of my own thoughts running in circles and not coming to an end, so I wrapped myself in the sheets of my bed and prayed for my mind to shut down so I could get some rest.

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Part 5

Heeeey I just wanted to thank all of you who read my work, LY, the next few chapters will be like an episode of skins UK, soo be warned, also there is going to be some thirst but nothing too explicit because I'm a shy motherfucker. Enjoy the last chapter free from Mrs-Dynamight Drama™

Taglist: @mikasalt

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katytheinspiredworkaholic · 2 years

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Happy New Year everyone <3

I know this has been going around for a few days, and I encourage everyone who has been thinking about it to follow suit, but here are my top 3 resolutions that I will fight tooth and nail to accomplish this year:

1. I want to be healthy, in a number of capacities: I want to be able to jog a mile or climb sets of stairs without keeling over and dying, I want to eat food that is good for me and tastes just as wonderful, and I want my mental health to be a good few steps above where it's been. It's not about pounds lost or BMI or all the other bullshit I've worried about for far too long. I just want to feel -good- in the body I have and not feel like crap when I wake up in the morning. I've already got a game plan, now I just need the will power to implement it.

2. I want to complete my list of current fanfictions, old and new. As of this moment, that means writing and posting two new long fics: the Unsubs!HotchReid Dark AU, and the Correspondence sequel. As well as finishing Dog Days, my season 05 fix-it Magicians fic, my TWD AU Southern Discomfort: Possessed, and working on editing and posting one of my many HotchReid roleplays into fanfiction format. It seems like a lot, but if I stick to my schedule it will all be done by the end of August.

3. Complete my first novel manuscript.

That last one needs no elaboration. I'm ready and I feel it in my bones. I have so much love for these fanfictions I want to complete, and that is the only thing stopping me from beginning to map out an original novel tomorrow. But it is going to happen this year, come hell or high water.

Manifesting or not, sometimes all it takes is a stubborn old mule to keep their feet firmly planted to make something happen. And sometimes the universe just drops opportunities in your lap. But it helps to know what you should be on the look out for, and that's why I've made my list. What do you want to happen in your life this year?

Wishing everyone a wonderful night, only the softest sounds of fireworks in the distance, and a kiss on the forehead at midnight. Happy New Year lovelies 💕

#personal stuff #long post #new years resolutions #yeah i did the thing #but i feel good now that ive done it #have a wonderful night folks ✌️

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guigz1-coldwar · 3 years

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'Speechless' : New chapter for "Redemption in a Spirit in a Cold War" is out !

'Speechless'

Chapter Summary : Bell is awakening back at the safehouse, recovering from her throat wound....and to what happened last night.....

To read it on AO3, click here !

Words : +3612

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Apparently, I have finished to work in the Lubyanka and instead of going directly to where I was living to have a sleep, I was accompanying Zasha back to their place in Moscow. We were at the end of the day and it was already dark outside and to add more, it was snowing all around us. Of course, we were wearing hot clothes to not catch any cold and only ours faces was the only thing that could freeze as we have every parts of our bodies recovered in clothes.

By looking around me on the walkway, there were a lot of propaganda from the Party and by luck, I could see a indication to give me a date : we were a few days after the New Year's Eve 1980.....the fifth of January. All of that thanks to a TV that was behind a window store that we passed through without stopping at all in front of it. Me & Zasha weren't talking, not because of we were looking more tired than ever from work but because, it was looking like we decided to wait to be somewhere inside a place before we could finally talk without catching a cold.

After one minute, we stopped in front of a appartment complex, it was the place was Zasha living and they were the first one to enter the place, letting the door open for me before closing it down behind me. I could remove my cap that I have on my head, once I was in the hallway of the complex.

"Shitty snowstorm." I breathed, it was the first thing I have to say after we walked through the snowed streets of Moscow and I was right about it, it was shitty.

"At least, we're safe now !" Zasha joked, removing also their cap and their gloves, revealing their hands that wasn't even white of cold.

"So, is this where you're living now ?" I asked to them, curious as I was looking at the hallway state that was very casual.

"Yeah." They said in a low voice. "I had to sell the family's house because I didn't have enough money to maintain everything in it and to take care of Dedov's education." They added, sounding sad by saying it, it was a big weight on their shoulders.

"I could give you more money for that, you know ?" I suggested, sincere in my voice.

"I would be grateful for your help, Yirina." They grinned a little, removing the sadness in their voice. "It's thanks to you that me & Dedov are not in the streets." I smiled at hearing this, happy to have secured their lifes.

"You know that I'm always there for you and your brother, I can guarantee you that !" I affirmed to them as I decided to remove my gloves too and they nodded in approval, knowing that I told the truth.

"Thanks." They said before looking at the stairs. "Let's get to my appartment instead of staying here in that hallway." They added before they started to walk to get up the stairs, followed by me up close.

We climbed up 2 floors before we were finally arrived at what I supposed to be their appartment, they started to search for their keys as I looked at them, leaned against the wall, wondering of something.

"So.." I started, saying it in a very low voice. "About Portnova...." Saying that name caused them to look at me with narrowed that could tell me 'you're very curious'. "How's things ?"

"Well.." They were trying to search for their keys in their pockets and at the same time, answering my question. "Been at least 2 months that we're together and it's doing great."

"You're making quite a couple !" I admitted to them and they nodded with a smile, knowing that I told the truth.

"And....what about you with Freya ?" They asked, not sure of themselves as they finally found their keys in their left pocket.

"It's more complicated." I replied, looking away from Zasha "It's been 2 years that we're hiding our relation to Perseus and even if she want to tell him, I can't afford myself to do it."

"Why ?" They told me.

"Perseus is still upset about me with what I told him explaining that it's something bad and that I should be healed." I said, taking the words he has maybe said to me, my voice mixed with angriness and scariness. "It will be hell unleashed upon us if he learns that me & Freya is, once a week, having sex while we're in the Ural Mountains for 'our training' !"

"Shit, it's very bad for you then." They exclaimed, shocked to hear me explaining my case. "He really need to know that you're the one to decide who you want to be and with who."

"Let him be : he's stubborn to the bones." I scoffed, trying to break the bad mood I had. "Each time he talk of you, he's always calling you Krypto or something bad."

"Yeah....anyways." They finally got their keys inside the lock of their door and turn it to unlock it. They opened the door, leaving me to enter first. "Let's have a friendly moment." They added, causing me to smile as I entered the appartment and was greeted by something that touched my legs, I looked down to realize it was a cat.

"Ooww." I said, moved by the cat miaowing, sounding too cute as it was stroking itself on my legs.

"I see that Beans already like you." Zasha exclaimed, locking the door behind them.

"Beans ?" I asked curious of that name as I was giving a pat on the cat's head.

"Yeah, Dedov found it wandering around the complex and he decided to take it with him." They moved to get Beans in their hands "Been very cuty to me and I agreed to keep it." With their left hand, they decided to pat it's head too "That's my little Beans !"

"I heard my name been said, don't you ?" A familiar voice arrived in the room, making me & Zasha turn our heads around to discover Dedov. "Hi, Yirina !"

"Hi, Dedov !" I waved at him, grinning at the same time.

"She came with me to eat with us." Zasha intervened, releasing Beans on the couch as it started to lay down to go to sleep. "I will prepare the dinner."

"You're sure ? I can do it, you know." Dedov told them, proposing himself to prepare the dinner. "You learned to me how to do it when you're working." They added before Zasha moved to get next to them, putting their hand on his shoulder.

"Don't worry, I will do it !" They exclaimed, removing their jacket before they looked at me with a good look as I was also removing my heavy jacket too,

"It will be okay, Yirina !"

I was now back at the Lubyanka, working again at my desk with Zasha. I was no longer in their appartment and this was our day of work as usual : making reports, breaking the american codes and also trying to break the West-German one as I could see on the paper that I was working to. I was finished to work on breaking the american code apart and I was going to start working on the West-German one.

"How are you doing ?" I asked in a passive voice to Zasha who were focused, a hand holding their head as I was about to start to work again.

"The british encryption is a pain to decrypt back." They replied, writing down. We were apparently on two differents things and of course, it was painful for both of us. "In two hours, I managed to have only a few elements but nothing concrete." They breathed in desesperation, rolling their eyes around.

"I know, the MI6 is getting tough these days and...." I was going to continue in my words until we started to hear knock at my office's door. We looked to each other, surprised as it was very late....nearly midnight. "Come in !" I ordered and the door opened, revealing Freya herself....wearing her combat suit in the middle of the Lubianka.

"Yirina !" She started, sounding relieved to see me.

"Freya !" I said, shocked to see her "I thought you were in the Ural Mountains."

"Yes but I needed to talk with you." She then look at Zasha "I need to talk to her personally." I looked at Zasha who didn't know what to do right now.

"You can go, we'll continue tomorrow." I smiled at them and they were looking really relieved to finally able to leave work after all these times. They started to put their jacket on before they start to leave my office.

"Bye, Yirina !" They exclaimed, waving at me and I waved back before they were out of the office, leaving me with Freya alone.

"You want to talk with me ?" I asked, curious, getting up from my chair to get on the other side of the desk. I faced her, leaning against my own desk.

"Yes...about something." She whispered, looking behind her before she looked back at me and then by surprise, she threw herself on me, getting her lips on top of mine in a second, making my eyes go wide and because of that, I started to slowly fall behind me, having my back on my own desk as Freya was still kissing me.

"Freya..." I said in a low voice, confused and shocked, breaking the kiss she did to me

"It was about this....Yirina, I love you !" She affirmed, putting her left hand on my cheek, looking at me with a big grin.

"But...."

"Wait..." She cut me, putting her other index finger in front of my mouth "When you told me years ago that you wanted a woman in your life, I realized today that it needed to be me !" She wanted to remove her index off my mouth but she kept it "In fact, I loved you since we were just kids, I always hated to be called 'sis' because I love you !"

"Since we were kids ?" I asked her, catching my breath as I was like speechless from that revelation. She nodded to me.

"We're always together, fighting side by side, helping each other..." She affirmed before she leaned to get our faces closer. "It's you that I want to be with, I always loved your kindness towards the others....towards me."

"Really ?" I breathed.

"Of course, you're not that stupid 'Winter Soldier' for me.....you're my Yirina Grigoriev !" She proclaimed as I started to smile at her, slowly realizing that I was feeling the same about her.

"I....." I started to said before I put my hand on her face too before I started to get up to kiss her by myself, putting my hand behind her neck and finally, we both kissed each other properly, using our tongues. We kissed for about a long minute before we stop, to get some air.

"I'm happy with you, min kjærlighet" She breathed, having put her arms around my shoulder, looking at me with lovely eyes as I was posing my arms on her shoulders, relieved to finally realize that she was loving me and that I was loving her,

"You're my Freya Helvig !"

Those memories.....seeing Zasha with their brother for the first time in my dreams.....the first real kiss I had with Freya inside my old office at the Lubianka. All of this was confusing me at my highest point : how I wasn't able to think one second that Freya & me were more than just an 'adopted sisters' link....I was also in love with her and because of that, I'm confused....shocked like in my dream. I was still feeling that love inside of me but....Park....I love her too and having realized that I was with Freya.....I'm confused.

I slowly opened my eyes, discovering that I was back in the safehouse....back on the same medical bed I was for days. I was inside of me, trying to not think of these memories, trying to keep a straight face. I could feel my face filled with dressings again, a new cleaned bandage on my chest covering my gunshot and also bandages around my neck, exactly at the place Freya punched me in the throat. It was still hurting me but it was more minimal than the moment after when I passed out on that runway.

I checked my surroundings to see if there were Park but she wasn't here at all and I started to thought that yesterday night was a dream and that we didn't save her until the door of the medical room opened, seeing Woods, accompanied with Mason....and Adler.

"Damn, finally awake." Woods was the first one to say a word after he entered the room, I slowly redressed myself but Mason moved quickly to avoid me to do that,

"Wait, don't make any weird moves." He started, putting his hand above my shoulder "You're recovering, remember ?"

"Where...." I began to say before I stopped myself, discovering that my voice was sounding weirdly and very low. "My voice...." I put my hand slowly, pointing it at my neck.

"The medics say that you were badly hurt right in the throat, we managed to save you in time." Adler exclaimed, having his hands on the end of the bed, sounding worried "It will take time for your throat to recover and to have your voice back to normal."

"What happened in that plane ?" Mason asked, curious.

"I..was fighting with one of their agents after I saved Park...." I replied, still having this weird voice. Could still speak but now with that voice. I couldn't mention Freya's name at all. "She hit me in the throat and she tried to pull back in the plane but...." I gestured to them that I pushed that agent away.

"Shit, 'Wraith' is one hell of a Perseus agent." Woods scoffed, looking at Adler and Mason, arms crossed before they saw my look going sad.

"Something's wrong, kid ?" Adler asked....stop calling me kid for sake !.....

"No...nothing..." I lied but then, I realized that I can't lie any further "I know her closely..." I whispered, not looking at them, I could tell them that but not that relationship I had with her. "She was like 'an sister' I never had."

"Stone got away and her too." Adler affirmed, biting his lips. "What did you do when you saw her ?"

"I...I played 'Bell'....the british agent named Jessica Blackwell..." I responded, sadness in my voice combined with its weirdness "Inside of me, I would have wanted to tell her everything." I added, cleaning a tear that came out of my left eye "But I didn't....for the sake of the mission."

"Fuck, you put yourself in a big pain." Woods confirmed as I nodded to him

"I think it was better to make them believe that you weren't back to normal." Adler admitted with his approving look as Mason & Woods looked at him with confused eyes.

"Yeah but now, Perseus is gonna know that she's alive because of Stone and that 'Wraith' !" Mason exclaimed and he was right : these two could tell him that I'm alive....and 'controlled by the CIA' but since I heard Freya telling Stone to not talk about this, what will happen ?

"Maybe...." Adler muttered "Perseus communications in West-Berlin has been quiet since we came back."

"Uhmm..." I said, redressing myself against Woods advices "Where's....where's Park ?" I asked, worried as I didn't see her, Adler rolled his eyes at hearing me as Woods & Mason understand my worriness.

"She's recovering in the dorm, staying in bed because of her leg." Mason replied with an grin to recomfort me. "She prefer to stay alone..." He said before I started to move away the blankets with an urge envy to go see her "Wait, Yirina !"

"Let me see her." I whispered, trying to get up as Woods moved to stopped me in my moves

"You can't, you need to...."

"Let me see her." I repeated, cutting Woods straight, still trying to stand up as he had his hands on my shoulders to stop me. "Please, let me see Park !" I pleaded, almost crying in my voice before Adler get his hands on Woods, motioning to stop.

"I think it's better that she see Park." He claimed before he looked at me. "Both of them need to talk." I could see Woods getting worried before he closed his eyes, maybe not trying to make me hurt. "Help her get to Park, she deserves to have a talk." Adler ordered again before he decide to leave the medical room.

Mason & Woods reluctantly agreed to help me getting up from my bed. I could understand that they want me to recover but I really wanted to see Park as I never had the chances to have a normal talk with since yesterday before we got our car accident in the city. They weren't angry....just worried that I will hurt myself as my gunshot wound was back in pain since Freya hit it with her elbow. My legs...well, there weren't hurting me no more as I was finally standing up, still holded by Woods in case.

Once it was done, we started to slowly walk because of them since they wanted to make sure that I wasn't going to fall on my legs, getting out of the medical room. I could see rapidly Adler & Sims talking with some peoples but now, I was more focused on having an talk with Park. I didn't want to think of Perseus.....of our work.....just about her and maybe bringing some excuses to her.

We finally arrived in the dorm where I could finally have my eyes back on Park again as the last time I saw was before I passed out on her knee, like what happened in that car when we left the nightclub. She was on her bed in the same shape as me : dressings on her face and her hurt leg wrapped around a bandage.

"Yirina !" She started in a low voice as we have stepped inside the dorm

"Park...." I whispered as Woods led me to a chair that was just next to her bed. "Good to see you." I added, looking happy before I pointed to my neck "Sorry for the voice..."

"It's okay." She excused me as I was now fully sit on the chair thanks to Woods before she looked at him, giving him an look, asking to leave us alone. They complied to it and they left the dorm, leaving us in peace. "Thanks, Yiri." She said after they were gone.

"How do you feel ?" I asked her, looking at her body

"I will have to stay in that bed for days to recover like you before we get back to work." She replied, showing me her wounded leg, sniffing at it. "They didn't go easy on it." She tried to joke but I could see her sadness in her voice during it.

"You know, you could have tell me about what happened to you in North Korea." I exclaimed, sounding more calm than angry.

"North Korea ?" She looked at me....confused. "Didn't want to stress you with this." She started to look away before I moved to take her right hand in mine, looking back at me, understanding that she could tell me freely without freaking out. "When....when I was captured, I didn't say a thing during these longs months but one day, Perseus himself came into my cell."

"Him....Perseus ?" I breathed, she nodded,

"He came to see the wreck I became, tormenting me over my choices, to the fact that I was alone, weak, stressed out and going crazy...." She said before taking a deep breath "He talked....about you, he showed me a picture of you, saying that I killed you in Turkey with the CIA."

"He said that ?" I was worried....thinking that she saw him in person.

"I persisted to say that I didn't do it but he maintains his opinion. Instead of killing me, he let me rot in that prison until I was exchanged with another Perseus agent." She responded, feeling so guilty by herself....so sad, making me moved, she went through hell....like me. "All these months, I was feeling like you when Adler captured, I was at your place." She then started to slowly cry before I took her in my arms, wanting to recomfort her.

"It's okay, I'm here !" I affirmed, her inside my arms before I looked at her, our foreheads against each other.....starting to feel sorry "I'm sorry about Freya."

"Freya ?" She told me, curious, still crying

"I didn't know that my link with her was romantic, I swear !" I then was the one that started to apologize, also having tears coming out. "I just remembered it this night."

"It's okay, you couldn't know." She then moved to take me in her arms, making me move a little before I decided to sit on her bed next to her.

"I'm so confused, right now." I affirmed to her, panicking about me, my love with her....and my recovered love with Freya. "I'm feeling so sorry and bad about that." I added.

"You couldn't know." She repeated again before she gave me a little kiss on the cheek, wanting me to not think about it and to try to be positive. I slowly grinned a little as we joined our foreheads together, I was happy to be with her....

"You're my Helen Park !"

#black ops cold war #bocw #call of duty cold war #cod cw #cod black ops cold war #cod cold war #fanfic #fem!bell #helen park

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hellishmess · 4 years

Text

40: The Wake of Understanding

March 6,2019 2:00 am

[Aspen]

Ana's face rests against the door frame. Puffs of breath can be seen against the glass.

Tonight went way sideways. She saw everything now. The side of us that I didn't want her to know.

She must be terrified, disgusted.

"She's going to hate me." I mutter.

"She's no stranger to death." Shay said, "She will not hate you."

I knew what he meant. Ana told me she’d killed someone in self defense. A man that tried to break into her house and rob her. She was a wreck even just reliving the memory for me.

"This is different. We sought out and killed them. She took life in self defense."

He didn't respond then.

"She will understand that they were void," Maeve added in.

Easy for them to say.

I breath in, watching as darkness speeds by us. If she decides that she can't be with me...

The thought dies. I want to wake her up and apologize. Tell her that I'll do whatever she says to make it up to her.

Can this even be made up?

The thought scared me still. Air stuck in my throat; muscles balled up.

This wasn't a fight. It's not like I forgot her birthday. I killed someone in front of her.

"Just take it one step at a time," Shay said. "She either will understand or she won't. Either way she can't tear herself away from us."

I scoff and bang my head against the window. "You're really bad at giving comforting advice."

"I'm told the effort is what counts."

I look to Maeve, "Quit lying to the vampire. It does no one any good."

She laughs, "If he tries to create a support group I'll cut him down then."

"Whatever," I huff. We're almost to my place. Quiet falls around us. My building was in view.

"I'm hungry." She says, rubbing her stomach.

"Better clean those wounds before you think about cooking anything."

Her middle finger shoots up without her even looking back. "I wouldn't have had these problems if you'd have pulled your weight."

"Fuck off. You handled them fine. I had Ana to look after."

"We're all lucky Ronan wasn't at this camp. Or we'd all be in a shit load of trouble."

She was right about that. With Lewick’s intell, we were drawing closer and closer to Ronan, and, by God, I pray that Ana is far away when we catch him.

Shay slides to a stop in the front of my building. I inhale and glance at Ana. She's still fogging up the window. I reach to nudge her, "Ana?"

"Im up," she says, her voice cold.

My gut twists at the tone in her voice.

Without a word, she gets out. With her arms wrapped around her, she walks up to my door.

I pause beside Maeve's door, unsure of how to handle this.

"It's going to be okay. Just be patient. " Maeve encouraged me forward.

My bottom lip's pressed between my teeth. "Thanks."

Climbing up the stairs towards Ana was hard. Dread drug me down and my stomach only twisted harder as I neared my door. Ana didn't turn to look at me when I opened it.

I locked it behind us, turning to see Ana with her bags in hand. She flings the bedroom door open, slinging open the drawers full of her clothes.

"Ana." I brush her arm to stop her.

She yanks away from me. "Don't touch me!"

I flinch back, giving her space while she continues to throw her things in there.

My mind starts to spin. My fear was right. I hold my hands up in peace. "Ana please."

"No," she shakes her head furiously. "I can't do this right now."

"I told you you weren’t ready. I warned you."

Ana whirls around, her eyes red from held back tears. "You're right. I should have listened to you. But I didn't and now I have to live with the understanding that my girlfriend is a killer. That my friends are killers."

I wince at the animosity of her words. "They were bad guys." I tried to reason with her. "Apart of Ronan’s crew. They weren't good people and they probably killed people themselves."

"Is that supposed to make me feel better?! Dog eat dog bullshit," She hisses.

I can feel her pushing me away, see the fear in the back of her eyes. Panic rises up and clouds my judgement.

"Yes!" My voice raises and frustration flushes my body. I make a wide gesture with my hands. "The whole world's a better place without assholes like that and with them gone it's just less man power Ronan has."

"A killer of bad men is still a killer." Ana stops, practically freezes solid as she stares at me. The look in her eye turns my blood cold. "Aspen, you slaughtered those men effortlessly."

Her voice rises to the point where she's yelling, "With a flick of your wrist you killed a man, and then even without your magic, you managed to slit the throat of another right before stabbing him through the temple."

My mouths frozen shut. I can't think of anything to say. What can make this better?

Nothing comes to my rescue.

"I saw the darkness that you own and it scares the shit out of me." Ana blinks like she's clearing the memory away. "I don't think I can do this anymore."

"Please, Ana! I'd never hurt you. You know that. You know me.”

"I don't know that anymore! I'm just now meeting this part of you!"

I step towards her. "An-"

She takes two steps back. Her arm extended to keep me at bay. "No. Don't come near me."

I stare at her hand. Hurt and angry, I snap out. "I told you. I fucking told you, but you were relentless! I tried to warn you because I knew you wouldn't understand."

"What is there to understand?!" Ana cries looking at me as if she wants to be able to.

She corrects herself, "How can I understand? How am I supposed to rationalize what I just saw? How am I supposed to live knowing that my girlfriend can kill with the same amount of effort it takes me to fold laundry?!"

Swept up in her own emotions, Ana takes a step closer to me. Her tearful eyes pin mine, and my heart breaks even further.

Her lip trembles as she chokes out her next thought. "How can I let you touch me with the exact same hands you used to kill that man? If you can tell me how I'm supposed to do that then I'll stay."

I bite down on my lip. I couldn't think of anything to make this any better. My hands twitched to wipe away her tears, brush her hair back behind her ears, but the knowledge that she'd flinch away holds me back.

Instead, frustration brought my hand through my own hair, trying to control the anger that rose to protect my hurt feelings.

"Exactly." Ana mutters, returning to throwing her clothes in her bags.

"I'm sorry," The words are ripped out of my chest in a plea. "Ana, I'm sorry. Let me make this up to you? I'll do anything. Don’t do this. Please."

She snaps up at me, "This isn't something you can just make up! I can't just forget this. Don't you understand that?"

"No! I don't understand that. Just like you don't get why we had to do what we did."

"Murder is never necessary."

"Oh so what you did wasn't necessary?" The retort was out of my mouth before I knew it.

The air catches in my throat, turning solid.

Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.

"I can't believe you just said that." Ana gasps.

“I'm sorry." I rush out, "I didn't mean it. It just slipped out and I was trying to get you to understand that-"

Ana turns into the bathroom. "Just don't. Don't say another word. I'm leaving."

"Where will you go? It's dangerous out there and it's late. You can't leave." I say, watching as she shoves her shampoo and conditioner on top of all her clothes.

Ana zipped her bags with force, "Are you going to forcefully keep me here?"

I shake my head. "You know I would never do anything against your will."

"Then I'm leaving." Grabbing her bag, she heads for the door.

"Ana! At least let me escort you to wherever."

"Why? So all the other killers will know I'm already the victim of another fucking murderer?"

I stop. It's another stab. I can't fight with her anymore. "I can't see you get hurt."

"And I can't see you." Ana shoots back, her face a wobbly mask of disgust.

I retreat back into myself. Anger rises to stay, protecting the sensitive feelings that threaten to rip me apart.

"Then leave," I grit out through clenched teeth. "If I'm so disgusting and evil to you, leave. You'll see. The Otherworld is even worse than the human one and sooner or later your going to experience it first hand."

Ana swings the door open. With one foot already outside, she pauses. "I've already experienced it."

I don't get another word in. The slam of my front door signals the end of the night.

My mind tries to process everything. I stand in the middle of my living room, fuming and huffing as my eyes burn holes through the door. Foolish hope flickers through my head, thinking she'll come back. Hoping that I'll think of something to say so I can chase after her and try and convince her to stay.

Neither happen. Instead a tide of hurt and anger swallows me whole.

"Fuck!" I scream, over turning my coffee table. Things scatter and I fling off my shoes. My fingers brush against the sheaths of my blades.

I throw the one I used tonight, sinking it deep into a wooden beam in the kitchen.

Unbuckling the rest of them and letting them clang to the floor, I strip and head for the shower.

Tuning the knob to blast the hot water, I step in. Cold water takes my breath away, stinging against my skin, but I hold my body still, suppressing shivers as I think back to Ana's disgrace of me.

The water started to turn hot, continuing to heat up until it scalds my shoulders. I see the blood that stained my hands. It flakes off and runs down my tub, tinting the water pink.

Ana saw the blood. The hands of a killer.

I scrub my body vigorously, trying to feel clean. The fight left me writhing with emotion and I couldn't stop thinking about it.

I wanted to spit at the fact that I wasn't upset about the kills. I was upset at how Ana perceives me. She's disgusted of me, scared of me and whatever darkness she saw.

I hold my face under the water, closing my eyes to see the look on her face when I tried to touch her.

I bang my fist against the tile and shut off the shower.

Her words and the stupid things I said, replay in my head.

A numbness settles in my chest, amidst all the other emotions. Disgust for myself starts to color the void, and I let myself sit in it.

Maybe I deserve this. This pain and unhappiness for being such a bastard. This is my punishment for taking life like I have.

Slipping on a tank top, I find the booze in my kitchen and take it to bed with me.

The bottle replaces Ana.

I sneer at the cruel thought and take a swig, culling out the torturous feelings.

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alj4890 · 5 years

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Angst Prompt

(Thomas x Amanda) Requested by @hopelessromantic1352 with the prompt: I can't do this alone.

(Thomas Hunt x oc*Amanda)

Masterlist

Inspired by the song, Lost by Michael Buble´. Takes place between Would You Kindly Calm Me Down and Lovely Scars.

A/N trigger warnings of longing for death and emotional trauma after a miscarriage. On a personal note, I suffered a miscarriage during my first pregnancy. Many of the things Thomas and Amanda express and think are what happened one night during my darkest moment with my husband. Amanda’s experience in group therapy was my own. I believe very strongly that therapy is beneficial with fighting depression, so please don’t take this as a form against it. But like everything in life, sometimes you have to search for the one that is right for you.

@alleksa16 @penguininapinktuxedo @blackcoffee85 @stopforamoment @fullbeaumonty @cocomaxley @darley1101 @hopefulmoonobject @krsnlove @annekebbphotography @gibbles82 @cora-nova @bella-ca @hopelessromantic1352 . @sunflowergirl05 @pixieferry

Lost Together

Thomas pulled into the garage and placed his head against the steering wheel. He dreaded going inside. He never knew what he would find. Ever since the bombing incident, he and Amanda were going down a road he never imagined could exist.

Her many wounds were healing save for the one to her heart. The knowledge that she had suffered a miscarriage consumed her. She was withdrawing from everyone, most especially from him. She never left the house except for the mandatory doctor's appointments. It was getting to where she was a silent ghost, wandering from one room to another.

He had tried taking her for counseling. She had sat quietly through a session and answered the questions asked of her. Thomas felt hopeful when they left and shared his feelings with her. Tears fell down her cheeks and she begged him to not make her go back. "He can't understand what it feels like." She said in a sob. "I can't go back and talk about it again."

After a few weeks, Thomas tried again and took her to a group therapy session for women who had suffered a miscarriage. That one truly upset her. When he asked her how it went, she cried so hard she made herself sick. "They can't understand, because it was my body that lost our baby. Not there's! Please, don't make me sit through another one. Please." He was unable to deny her pleas as he looked at her heartbroken face.

Now here they were. Nearly two months after the incident and she was not getting better. He took a deep breath and prayed that God would give him the words to say to her. He had been trying to not leave her alone, yet he had been forced to attend a media event. It had lasted longer than planned and he had left in the middle of it to rush back to her.

He unlocked the door and set his keys on the counter. All the lights were off. He walked toward the stairs and happened to see a glint of metal outside. It was her watch. He saw a shadowy shape on one of the pool chairs and hurried to the patio. His heart cracked seeing Amanda staring into the water made black in reflecting the night sky. Tears ran in steady streams down her face. Her knees were pulled up to her chest and her arms and chin rested on them.

Thomas knew what would happen as soon as he touched her, yet he always hoped she would turn to him and tell him what was going through her mind. He sat down behind her and placed his hand on her back. He rubbed a soothing circle as he leaned forward to ask her how long she had been outside.

Amanda wiped her cheeks and quickly moved out of reach. She said the same words she always did when he caught her like this. "I'm sorry. You shouldn't have to see this." She walked inside and began to go upstairs.

Thomas followed her, wishing he could comfort her. If she would only allow him to hold her, he would do so without hesitation. He stood in the doorway to their room and watched her go through her nighttime routine before walking into the bathroom. She soon came out, her actions were all on autopilot as she pulled the bedcovers back and laid down on her side. She made sure to stay on the very edge of her side of the bed.

Thomas quickly undressed and climbed in beside her. He turned the light off and watched her shoulders. He knew she was waiting to leave as soon as she suspected he was asleep. The past couple of weeks, she had left him to sleep in one of the guest bedrooms. It hurt him that she could not stand sleeping beside him, even when he made sure to not touch her.

Amanda stared at the digital alarm clock on her nightstand. A few more minutes and she could escape. She couldn't stand to be touched in comfort, pity, or even in love. She couldn't explain it to Thomas, but when he touched her it made the raw ache in her chest hurt to the point she could barely breathe from the pain.

Tears began to fall again unheeded as she thought of the call she had received earlier. Liam had wonderful news. He and Riley were going to have a baby. Amanda spoke the words one would when hearing this type of news. As the words of how happy she was for him left her lips, she wished she could feel the emotion. She wanted to be happy for them. She wanted it so much, yet the feeling never came. She didn't want them to not have a baby. She only wanted hers to be there also.

Why couldn't she have kept that? So many evil people had babies and either threw them in the garbage, abandoned them, or abused them. She and Thomas would have loved that little one with everything within them. Amanda would have gladly died for it. She wished she could. She would trade her life without a second thought just to have their baby here where he belonged.

Her shoulders shook as the tears fell faster with each thought. Thomas sat up and softly said her name. Amanda froze and cursed herself in her mind. She silently pleaded. Please don't touch me. It will make everything so much worse. Lord in Heaven, please make him go to sleep.

Thomas wrapped his arm around her and pressed a kiss to her temple.

She tried so hard to be still. The pain began to consume her body and mind. Her brain screamed in agony at the sweet gentle touches. I don't deserve such kindness from you. I couldn't protect your baby. I can't take it anymore. She scrambled out of his arms and went into their bathroom.

She locked the door and knelt down on the floor. She stretched out on the cool, ungiving stone and breathed easier. She pressed her cheek against the coldness and closed her eyes. The chill would numb her body somewhat. A few moments of blessed relief was all she asked from it. The floor had become her savior in never demanding anything from her. It offered no comfort. The only thing it failed to stop were her tormented thoughts.

Why couldn't I have died in the explosion or during surgery? Life would be so much better for everyone if I had. Thomas would be fine and no longer worried about me. He has so many others he can turn to and be willibg to look after him. All my loved ones have each other to lean on. I'm not needed. What good am I to any of them? There is nothing I do that matters in the grand scheme of things. Thomas would get over me quickly and find the perfect person, one with a body strong enough to protect his unborn child. If I could only die, all this would end and be made right. Thomas would be free. My friends would stop calling in concern. I would finally be out of pain. I could be with my baby.

She wasn't sure how long she stayed in the floor, but it had to be long enough for Thomas to be asleep. She quietly crept out and walked to the bedroom door.

"Amanda?" Thomas was sitting up in bed. He had wondered if she was ever going to leave the bathroom. His fear at the growing silence made him rise from the bed.

She bit down on her lip. Why isn't he asleep? Why won't he let me go? Not just out of the room, but why doesn't he leave me? I want to leave me. Surely he knows he doesn't have to stick around anymore.

Thomas stopped a couple of steps from her. "Where are you going?"

Amanda didn't turn around as she spoke. "I was going to sleep in one of the guestrooms. I feel kinda restless and didn't want to disturb you."

His shoulders relaxed. "You won't disturb me." He reached out and touched her arm. She turned swiftly and knocked his hand away. His eyes widened at her reaction.

Her bottom lip trembled. "I'm so sorry." She ran a hand through her hair. "I can't...I didn't mean to...I need to leave."

"Leave? Why? You don't need to." He felt a new kind of fear when she covered her face and shook with silent sobs.

She lowered her hands until they only covered her mouth. Her eyes met his and she swallowed against the lump in her throat. "I think we should get a divorce."

He took a reflexive step back. "What?! No. Amanda, what did I do? Or not do? Tell me and I will fix it!"

She shook her head. "No. You haven't done anything. You can't fix this. I...Thomas I'm what's broken. I don't think I will ever be right. I can't keep making you miserable. You deserve to be with someone who makes you happy, someone who can give you children. I --"

His eyes narrowed at her words. "I didn't marry you for children! I don't care if you ever get pregnant again. I'm not divorcing you!"

She raised tear filled eyes to him. "Please leave me. I can't leave you. I've tried so many times. I packed my suitcase and couldn't make it out the door. I'll be able to leave if you will just tell me you don't want me. Please, Thomas. Please say you want a divorce."

"No." He said in a harsh tone. "I will do anything you ask, except that." He reached out and grasped her upper arms. "Don't ask me to do that." His voice cracked when her tears started falling and she began to sob out loud.

She grabbed handfuls of his shirt and shook him as she spoke. "Thomas, I can't do it anymore! I can't. I wish to God I had died that night. I want the pain to end so much. Dear Lord, why didn't I die?" She fell to her knees, crying uncontrollably.

Thomas got in the floor with her and tried his best to hold her as she was doubled over. "Why couldn't I have died that night?" She cried out as her sobs became louder.

"Because I need you." He told her while rubbing her back. He wiped his eyes and cleared his throat. "I can't do any of this alone. I would be lost if you had died." He pressed a kiss to the back of her head.

After a few moments she sat up and leaned back against the door. She looked at him, utterly exhausted from everything life had thrown at her. "That's not true. You would be fine. You would have all our friends and you would find a new love quickly. I'm of no use to you or anyone right now."

He scooted closer to her and gripped her hand. "Yes, you are." He bit out. "I need you. You are everything to me. I don't want another wife. I don't want to turn to her or our friends for anything. Only you. You are the one I need to talk to. You are the only one who understands me." He looked down at their hands and loosened his grip to lace his fingers with hers. He felt a glimmer of hope when her thumb brushed the back of his hand in comfort.

Amanda closed her eyes and tried to calm her ragged breaths. After a few moments of silence, she met his stare. "I don't think I will ever get over this."

Thomas moved to sit next to her. He tentatively wrapped his arm around her shoulders. His eyes teared up when she leaned her head against him. It had been so long since she had voluntarily touched him. He cleared his throat. "Maybe we aren't supposed to get over it."

She looked up at him, her anguish nearly causing him to crush her to him in an attempt to absorb her pain. "But the ladies of the grief group said I am supposed to. They said I shouldn't feel this strongly about it because it was barely there anyway. One woman even said it was just like a blood clot." Her tears fell again as she recalled their callous words when she had broken down and cried in front of them.

He frowned and held her closer to him. "We will do what we need to in order to endure this." He pressed his lips against her forehead. "We will take it one day at a time."

Her hopeful expression that he could possibly help crumpled. "I have been trying to take it one day at a time. It isn't working." She started to withdraw physically from him and he pulled her back.

"You were trying. This time you will have me to lean on when it gets too much for you. If day to day is too hard, then we will try hour by hour, minute by minute. Whatever you need, I will be right there with you. If you need to cry, not talk, talk, whatever you need at any time of the night or day, I will do."

"Why?" Her voice cracked. "It would so much easier on you to walk away from me."

Thomas smoothed her hair back from her face. "I love you. I can't leave you."

She let him hug her for a moment before standing up. He got to his feet and watched her go quietly into the bathroom. He heard the water running and sat down on the bed. He wiped his eyes and waited. Amanda came back out after washing her face and laid down on her side of the bed. Thomas stretched out beside her.

Once the light was off, he watched her toss and turn before settling on her side. She bit her lip and looked over her shoulder at him. "Would you hold me for a little while?" She whispered.

She gasped at how quickly he was behind her with his arm around her. Her raw ache still hurt horribly but she felt the comfort from his touch, for the first time in such a long absence, intertwined with the pain. She scooted back closer against him. As exhaustion took its toll on her, she turned her head some toward him. "I love you, Thomas."

He tenderly kissed her cheek. "I love you." He closed his eyes and thanked God that she had finally talked to him. Had turned to him. He prayed asking for the ability to help her out of the darkness that had held her captive for months.

Amanda silently thanked God for giving her Thomas. Please help us to not become lost together in the darkness."

#choices red carpet diaries #choices rcd #choices fanfic #choices thomas hunt #thomas hunt x oc #thomas hunt x amanda #writing prompt #love and angst

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jedimaster941 · 5 years

Text

A Declaration of Lost Independence

As we get older, as we live life, like stone eroding under the power of crashing waves, our bodies break down. And as our bodies break down, we become more and more unable to do things. Sometimes not to the standard we once did, and sometimes we lose the ability completely. We lose things that bring us joy, and we lose things that bring us to life. Whether it be slowly or quickly, we all lose our independence. Aging is something, like it or not, we have all signed up for. We will get older, our bodies will break down, and we will lose our overall independence. It’s not ideal, but we understand it to be true.

For Chronically ill people, however, we can lose our independence rather suddenly, and it has absolutely nothing to do with natural aging. If someone aged 78 years has trouble walking, getting dressed, or going to the bathroom, very few would question it. But imagine you are 28 years old and you have the same difficulties. Think of how you would feel. In this article I will discuss the ways in which people with chronic illness lose their independence in the areas of physical, mental, social, and dietary, and the toll it takes on us when the things that we should be able to do becomes out of reach.

*This post features responses from chronically ill patients whom I asked…*

------------------------------

Physical

Loss of physical independence is the area that most people think about when illness takes over. It is at least the most public. People see wheelchairs, walkers, canes, crutches, and handicapped placards. They are also readily aware when someone takes a little longer to stand up, when they have trouble buttoning a shirt, or their handwriting becomes illegible. If someone gets to know a disabled person well enough they may also become aware of PIK lines, feeding tubes, and colostomy bags among others.

When someone is chronically ill/disabled their bodies are the primary victim of their disease. In one way or another, our bodies are malfunctioning. As my primary care physician said to me once, “We are all getting older, you're a just doing it a lot faster”. (If anyone is curious, I did not take offense, I appreciated that he acknowledged my illness and my lack of certain abilities)

Our independence is very much directly lost in these examples. We lose the ability of climb stairs, walk short distances, wash ourselves, cook food, and one I’d like to discuss a little more, exercise.

Doctors and online experts tell us we need to exercise. I can’t disagree with that. Exercise is important to keeping what we have left tip top. However, when we can’t climb stairs, walk short distances, or wash ourselves, how do you expect us to get the the gym to do some Cross Fit? I know for me, exercise of any kind hurts and has lasting effects. Some of my readers may remember how not long ago I walked a peppy poodle for half a mile and my legs hurt for three days after. This wasn't from being out of shape, this was due of my condition. Yes, exercise, but understand sometimes it's more harm than help.

I used to be a distance runner, a golfer, and could give the best piggy back rides. Now, due to Ankylosing Spondylitis, I can’t do any of that. And believe me when I tell you, that hurts me mentally as well.

Mental

With chronic illness and disability there comes a mental toll as well. Both in the areas of cognitive ability, and depression.

First, let's touch on cognitive ability which will then (as all of these sections do) we will move on to depression.

I imagine many of my readers are already well versed in the words and terminology used in the discussion of chronic illness. However, if you are new to this world, let me share a term that I, and all of us use probably on a daily basis: “Brain Fog”.

Brain Fog is exactly what it sounds like, a thick layer of fog on your brain. You know how hard it is to see through a covering of fog? Now, imagine that fog is in your head and your brain is trying to see thoughts, feelings, and ideas through it. It’s not easy and often things are lost.

Brain fog is caused by pain and the inability to actually shut down and rest. When people go to sleep their bodies and minds go into power saver mode to recharge, refresh, and do diagnostics checks. However, what happens when you drink caffeine, or you eat a big meal before bed? Well, if you can sleep, your body has now been given other things to work on. The caffeine makes your heart work harder, and your body needs to work to digest that big meal. So what happens? You don’t wake up rested because your body never actually got any rest. The same thing happens every night for people with chronic illness, but without the caffeine and steak dinner. In my case, with Ankylosing Spondylitis, my body is always working to fight off a foreign invader known as the lining between my joints. (I guess it’s actually a domestic invader) For most of us, because of constant pain, we can never get comfortable and even when we do sleep, we aren't actually resting. This lack of true sleep causes our brains to process at a diminished rate limiting our abilities to remember, problem solve, and function.

When I go to the doctor, I bring my wife. Not because I need a supportive hand, but because I need a partner and coach to help me tell the doctor what I need to say, and then remember what the doctor tells me. There have been times I have come home from an appointment solo and either forgot what treatment we discussed or, through my fogginess, made up something completely different because I could have sworn the doctor said she wanted to try bloodletting. (Or was it Methotrexate? I can’t remember) Although I love my wife, and I will always welcome her to join me at an appointment, I'm 37 years old, I shouldn't need someone to be my brain while the doctor checks out my body. While I am not depressed about this, this loss of mental and physical independence can also lead to depression.

I used to run, and I loved running. When my health got worse I took up walking long distance. However, only a few short years later, I couldn't even walk short distances without great pain and weakness. I was 34 the last time I walked with any kind of purpose. Far too young to lose so much ability. When I see people out running, or I drive past the local health club with overly large windows, I get sad longing for my glory days. When I watch American Ninja Warrior I’m sometimes heartbroken. Believe it or not, I used to be able to do stuff like that. It’s crushing to think that somebody actually has the freedom to wake up in the morning, pop up out of bed, and then think to themselves “Well, I think I will run 10 miles, shower, go to work, spend an hour at the gym, play with my kids, and then get 8 hours of restful sleep before doing it all over again.” Here I am thinking, “I hope I can get out of bed.”

Chronic illness can take a great toll on our mental state and subsequent independence.

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Diet

With the chronic illness life, more often than not it seems, comes a list of dietary restrictions. 90% (not actual figures) of life comes from our gut. What we eat and drink. Other than breathing and IV treatments, it’s the only way anything gets into the factory known as our bodies. So, there is much stress put on us by our doctors, friends, family, TV, and the woman on the corner to eat right to better our condition. And not everyone is wrong. There are certain things that improve or worsen our condition. We will listen to the “experts” and try certain things. Excluding things like sugar, dairy, nightshades, and gluten. Or “fad diets” like Paleo, Keto, Vampire, or Atkins.* We might even try Kale! Many of us will try anything if it means we reduce our pain and get a little life back. But, the more foods we give up, the more independence we lose.

Personally this area has been my biggest struggle. Two years ago I went dairy free at the suggestion of a nutritionist, and one year ago I totally cut out sugar. And, I won’t lie, excluding both of those have been fantastic for me! I may not always notice the improvement, but if I happen to slip up on purpose of by accident, I certainly notice then. I am solid and confident in my sugar free/dairy free life, and for the most part I am happy.

However, this does not mean everything is butterflies and unicorns. I still struggle as I’m sure many many of my chronically ill brothers, sisters, and non-binary siblings do. Two examples: My birthday, and the ice cream aisle. On my birthday my co-workers wanted to know what to get me for my party. Typically the birthday treat is cupcakes and fudge. Hello sugar and milk! After much thought, I received the treat of peanuts and pickles. (And I didn't complain) However, it didn’t mean it didn't hurt. My co-workers needed to avoid yummy delicious treats because of my AS. They were supportive, but it didn’t mean I didn’t feel like a party pooper. As for the ice cream aisle, they have dairy free ice cream, and they have sugar free ice cream, but as a friendly store clerk told me, diary free & sugar free ice cream isn't ice cream. I'm out of luck there.

When it comes to dairy and sugar, I have lost my independence. People need to accommodate for me. Oftentimes meaning they might miss out on what they want. When my school does nacho day, frozen custard day, cookie day, etc for staff wellness days, I’m the only one not well. I could tell the people that sorry I can’t eat this, but that opens me up to feeling bad for making them feel bad.

Or when you need to find out if a restruant is accessible. Many would think that with all the handicapped parking spots all places would also be accessible. This is not always true. I have seen places where the "accessible" table is in a door way or up against a wall. The freedom to go to any restaurant one wants is never a guarantee.

When friends want to go out those of us with diet restrictions need to be “that guy/girl”. The one who has hard opinions on what we can eat. Ever stand behind the person at Starbucks who insists on soy milk and Stevia? Have you ever thought “Just take your coffee and drink it! You're holding up the line!” Yeah, that’s us, the ones holding up the line. Doesn't feel good.

We are jealous of those people who can eat whatever they want. Go to any restaurant, order anything off the menu, and even have dessert. This isn't about gaining weight, it's about being able to get out of bed in the morning.

Social

The next topic of how we lose our social independence ties into the three topics above and any others I have not mentioned. Humans are meant to be social. We aren't bears where we can just crawl into our cave and sleep for a few months. If any human crawled into a cave, nobody would be friends with them. Why? Because interacting is one of the standards of human life. We need other people! Sure, there are the mountain folk who go out, kill a deer, make clothing from it, light a fire and live their life in seclusion. (And there is nothing wrong with that) But, most humans need other people to cook our food, make our clothes, work on projects, drive us, and socialize purely for fun. The problem is, for many chronically ill people, getting out of the house and socializing sounds equal to climbing up and living in a mountain.

We are exhausted! Chronic illness takes a lot out of us! Every day can be a struggle to move, breathe, think, and complete other daily activities. Showering can be one of the most difficult activities for some. Doing laundry is pure hell! When most people hate it for the fact they have to do it, for me, folding makes me want to die! Seriously, I don't fully know why, but it hurts so much and takes so much out of me. After doing everything we have to do, we don’t have energy left for what we want to do.

I come home from work, my shoes come off, and I’m done! Very little is going to convince me to put my shoes back on and go out with friends when all I want to do is sleep. Because of this, many chronically ill people are forgotten. We bail on friends two or three times, and they just stop inviting us. But, then we have a good day, we are ready to accept an invite. Do we take it? No. Why? Because, we feel good now, we don’t know if we will feel good later.

Chronic illness symptoms can come in waves. We can have good days (or at least the start of a day) but then we drop. We don’t always know why we drop, but our feelings and mood are in no way guaranteed. So, we don’t risk it. It’s far better to be at home near our bed than 30 minutes away with a group of people you will need to apologize to for leaving early. Declining the invite or simple ghosting is far easier and less harmful to our psyche.

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Chronically ill patients lose all sorts of independence. We can not truly live free with AS, Fibro, EDS, POTS, Lyme, MS, ME or one of the many other chronic illnesses that totally sap us of life. We are not free do do as we like.

While others wake up and get to choose between running, biking, partying, fixing cars, eating amazing food, and/or playing with their kids. We wake up and.. well.. that's it.

In closing. If you know a person with a disability/chronic illness try to be understanding of their limitations. Don’t give them a hard time when they can't do everything you want them to. Our lives are hard enough dealing with all the independence we may have lost.

*I might have made up one of these diets

#spoonie #chronic illness #ankylosing spondylitis #chronicpain #chronic pain #lymedisease #eds #ms #fibromyalgia #freedom #independent #independence #sickness #food #depression #church #infertility #childless

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