#i really want my knife back

[catkin-morgs-kookaburralover]

poetry. putting under the cut bc potentially triggering mention of suicide/ideation/sh.

The days they pass like wine

The nights like drunken grief

I wash with stuff unclean

And wonder why I fail.

I go to God with hands outstretched

Receive an answer faint and dim

"Come to my arms and take from me

The water fresh and pure

Wash out the bad and all the dark

And live as you were born."

Hands, my hands are scarred and frail

They reach and trembling drop

An inch away he holds the stuff

And I collapse and cry.

I cannot reach so far as some

Can limp not stride or dance

God helps the weak, but what of me

I try and yet, I fail.

A thousand times I've made a plan

A hundred times I've cut

Look at my hands, and look, my side

My self-made saviour, self made weak.

The pain is never great enough

To clean the sins I've done;

To die in awful agony

Would fit the one I am.

The plans I burn, like I would burn

If my mind had its way

Delete them from my little world

As I too would be gone.

A thousand times I've made a plan

Some days I make a few

The easy, not the best, idea

A coward I'd be. Coward I am.

The pain is never great enough

To clean the sins I've done;

Yet God be thanked he sent his Son

And self made man must fade.

The knife, it tempts

And death, it beckons

The world is hard and living harder

And pain then seems the only way

But ever there is God, so close

Saying, "Come and trust me

Let go of all, and fall

And fall out of your own desires

Into safety, truth, and love."

#okay yeah i am Not Having A Good Time over here #i kinda wanna die but more i just want pain so bad i can't think of anything else #and yes in case you were wondering i have experienced pain like that before but not for years #but yeah. i just. yeah #i really want my knife back #mildly want to jump off my balcony but not enough i think it's a concern #given that cutting i can hide from my parents if i had my knife but if i jump off my balcony i can't possibly hide it from them #idk im probably sounding deranged #tw sh #tw suicide #tw suicidal ideation #puddleglum hours #catkin poetry #my writing #my poetry #christianity #salt and light #idk should it be in the salt and light tag? it's fairly dark but also i would say is thoroughly salt and light-ish #i dunno if anyone says i should remove it pls tell me and i shall. #but yeah anyway #personal

[science-lings]

after getting the shit beat out of him on multiple occasions, confronted by the mafia, also on multiple occasions, multiple instances of attempted murder, I think that Phoenix deserves to be forced to be a little kickass. Like he worked at a shady restaurant and wins poker games against people who are drunk and probably more than willing to kick the shit out of him all the time, there's no way that he wouldn't be able to defend himself in some way. Maybe Trucy taught him how to throw knives or something and I know he's a funny indestructible punching bag of a guy but come on... I think at least for his daughter's sake he should at least know how to handle a gay little knife or something.

#he doesn't seem like the type to carry a gun but having a knife hidden up his sleeves? that feels more like him #this also ties into the whole thing of him being really strong for the plot but weak for gags #he's only pathetic when it's funny #otherwise he's actually pretty fit yk? #this guy bikes everywhere and can kick down heavy doors with no problem but he can also get the shit beat out of him by a 9yo #also i want him to be a little badass bc I want to be able to write action scenes for aa #my guy is in a fighting game and he's not good at it but I want him to be a little capable when the situation calls for it #phoenix wright #ace attorney #beanix #this is mostly for 7yg phoenix he goes back to being pathetic when he gets his badge back #I just think he should be strong enough to carry pearl and trucy in his arms on a daily basis

[loppiopio]

an imitation of the cheap variety

#durarara #izaya orihara #shizuo heiwajima #shizaya #a cheap imitation #i made a thing #ehe it's like a parady of one of the saw movie posters a friend sent me a while back #the one with the hanging teeth #and i also absolutely took reference from the way @shigaeru draws izaya's knives #i just really like the distinct shape he gives them #also since this is aci that knife design is kinda burned into my mind as the aci knife design whoops #the colours are also pulled and tweaked from that comic's first volume cover #the red bg is very iconic and fitting for this sort of thing and the blue shading looks really pretty with it..... #this whole thing is extremely derivative as you can see #i wanted to adjust more with the piece but i make my best art in the very first burst of loosely slapping stuff down #trying to clean anything up from there is futile #so i tweaked some things and just had to make myself share it as is #i wanted to make it clearer how the blade is cutting into the fabric but i couldn't figure it out :( #i hope you can still manage to derive the intended symbolism from it lol #i had this idea a while back but decided to use #shizayaweek2023 #free day #as a deadline to help motivate myself to actually try it #it's still late but whatever #throwing it up at the door rn #okay i actually sat on this for a few extra days just because of the horrific compression cursed upon it on upload #why??? #i could not win no matter how small i made it #i have no clue how to fix it so now it just looks like that i'm sorry ;o; #maybe i'll try posting it somewhere else as well idk

[ccbatman]

I once said that I thought Steph would make a great Black Canary, and I still think that's one of the realest takes I've ever had.

Like, this moment seared itself into my head and never faded:

{ Robin 80-Page Giant }

#stephanie brown #dinah lance #spoiler #black canary #me learning about how dinah lost her cry which was as much BULLSHIT as steph's death btw okay hold on i need to get this out of my system #because they had to nerf her SO HARD for that to make sense and it STILL DIDNT BECAUSE ?????? SHE'S THE BLACK CANARY???? THAT GUY WAS A #NOBODY WITH A KNIFE ARE YOU JOKING??? and then the story that follows isnt even really ABOUT dinah it's about ollie and im so. ohhhh my god #JUST like how steph's death was largely brished aside to deal with bruce and jason's angst like. yeah i wanted there to be angst but it #wouldve been nice if it had been about HER for more than five seconds. honestly im so mixed about her death and return tbh. the way they #went about her passing was so weirdly inconsistent through the issues that bruce managing to get her to leslie in time does make sense but #then they do that weird thing with leslie and it's like ???? wha???? i go back and forth on how i feel about steph's return. on one hand i #love how she comes back more focused and stronger largely by her own means but on the other i did want #... something. i wanted her to be angry a bit longer and to deal with the complicated emotions between her 'failing' and bruce's 'failing' #and what that meant for her now. idk i love her batgirl run but it wouldve been nice if she had a bit more space to grieve herself. #anyway later in this issue dinah agrees to mentor steph for a bit and her rules are pretty much the same as bruce's when he made her robin #and if dinah had mentored steph instead of bruce she never would've died ok send tweet #wjshshsk #i love the panels of them looking at each other. dinah looking into steph's eyes and recognising the look in them. #i love how she smiles at stephanie both times. it's so gentle and kind. ily black canary #love posting on blogs where no one follows me. i can just say shit #comic ref #freya talks comics

[paperlovesadness]

Me seeing all the comments under Glasto-themed posts blaming Alex for being sick and calling off Dublin

I'm barely able to fold that knife though.... And I'm not trusting myself that it'll stay folded.

#I really have no words for people who lack the basic minimum amounts of sympathy and understanding #and YES IT'S POSSIBLE HIS SYMPTOMS CLEARED UP IN JUST 4 DAYS #am I worried they didn't completely? yes. but they might have. and either way they're Definitely A LOT better after him resting #taking care of himself. possibly getting some meds prescribed. hydrating. not talking. sleeping #What did they want him to do. go out and mime the songs for them? #go up and barely utter some words through the hoarseness - make things worse and call of yhe next month if shows instead? #risk getting actual chronic laryngitis? risk his whole career? #the hell is wrong with people #you've got no idea how scared I was & am for my show that's coming up too. It's like extremely meaningful and important to me #the vision of going helped me through some tougher times #but you know what I'm also scared of? #of one of my favorite artist's getting seriously hurt. #of him beating himself up for disappointing people when there's nothing he can do about it. #can't believe people lack the basic empathy. #i get being disappointed. Sad. Furious even. #be furious with a god if you've got one or the universe or bacteria or the very idea of voice boxes being suspectable to strain #not with the man who's just as frustrated with the situation as you are #AHHHH #(i unfolded the knife safely in the tags. folding it back up) #(I see the typos & I hate em & I'm mad but I won't be doing anything about it. I'm sorry) #// #my posts

[ben-learns-smth]

a list of happy things - top surgery recovery

rainbow and queer graffiti on surgery day

having someone to hold my hand when nervous

miffy plushie as a hospital companion

my chest feels like it's actually mine now (it's as if it's always been like this, this just feels Right)

franzbrötchen <3

suddenly laughing again bc it was too funny to be scared of potential pain

so many friends wished me luck and checked on me after

my parents acting silly to make me laugh

feeling safe and taken care of while reading (& napping) in silence and sharing my bed for comfy cosy vibes

pillow mountain <3

petterson & findus good night stories

the orange by wendy cope zine handmade by a friend

my flatmates laughing at my silly attempts to reach smth that is obviously too far up for me to reach *sad trex noises*

the top surgery memes

all the little 'I did x myself' moments (most recent: picking up smth small from the floor :D)

#writing this list bc I really want to curl up on my side but I have to sleep on my back for a little longer #mine #a list of happy things #bente does gender #< this is an organisational tag #bente rambles #knife gang

[unexpectedbrickattack]

Peppino being a little magician makes me go :)

#chattin #making characters have silly little talents is so fun #this is of course bc i suffer from Love of WorldBuilding disease and i do this with all of my ocs (bc its very fun) #anyway the reason i thought of it was bc i DO really enjoy him being good with knives and being a knife juggler #bc its one of those obscure things u have to like fall into; but its also REALLY fun to know how to do this #its a good icebreaker! esp if ur like. anxious and scared of everything by default #‘U-UH….i can . juggle…knives.?’ ‘what the fuck? forreal???’ #so like #doing sleight of hand tricks seems pretty adjacent to that #card tricks and disappearing/reappearing acts #but unlike MOST magicians who keep their knowledge a secret #peppino literally doesnt have the capacity to sit in a convo longer than he wants to be #like the back n forth of ‘what? nooo u gotta show us’ ‘nope! teehee!’ like thats just annoying #so he takes the time to show how he does it bc often times even with a visual guide people cant recreate it #ANYWAY #i am saying this bc i thought of the noise throwing a Live Grenade at peppino #and peppino is like oh my GOD oh my god and hes jumping and panicking and the noise is like >:3!!! #and then he takes deep breaths and the grenade in his hand just disappears #and the noise is like wtf. what. where did it fucking go? walks up to peppino to look #peppino makes the ‘shhh’ motion and holds both of the noises hands in his own #and when he flips them palm up; the grenade is in the noises hand #like theyre on some looney tunes level shit #funny to think about #well i guess since i wrote it out i might as well draw it dhdjdndkdmdk

[raspberrybluejeans]

The last few days I have turned my phone off for most of the day in order to focus on school stuff since the pressure is on, its basically the last week of school for this semester.

But I have spent 2 days on this one coding assignment* (over 10 hours literally just fucking with it) and I am so frustrated I am having a hard time getting started today. Even though I know it will only make it worse to wait longer.

And after I finish this one there's another assignment to do where I have to learn a whole bunch of other stuff too ;_;

AND I have one assignment left for my other class too.

*The coding assignments have like. several sub-assignments/exercises. These sub-assignments are not graded but they are necessary to learn and do in order to do the Actual assignment. I'm only talking about working on the ACTUAL assignment here, so really I've been working on all this even longer. and just going over those practice exercises over and over 😭

#jarvis cut his legs off and torture him with knifes #<-me to myself #in theory i really want to learn coding and be able to do stuff with coding #but these classes are just. killing me #i do not think i will take anymore coding classes :( #I hope someday I will be able to pick it up again on my own #I would love to be able to build my own sites and stuff :( #but I may be too stupid #I wish I had a little goblin that knew everything about javascript #that was immediately available to explain random stuff #or identify why things arent working #ok this is enough tags now maybe i will go back into the torture nexus now #crying weeping howling #ograt

[quiescentdestiny]

contemplating the conversation Neil and Andrew (and Renee) have in the locker room at the beginning of The King's Men.

"I've never understood why he likes knives" Such simple words should not have gotten the reaction they did. Andrew went still and looked up, but he didn't look at Neil. He looked at Renee, so Neil did too. She'd stopped mid-sentence to stare at Neil, but the Renee studying him wasn't the Foxes redeemed optimist. Her sweet smile was gone and the too-blank look on her face reminded Neil of Andrew. Neil instinctively tensed for flight-or-flight. Before his body figured out what to do, Renee shifted her inscrutable gaze to Andrew. They stared each other down, soundless and still, oblivious to the bewildered looks their teammates sent between them. (pg. 34)

And comparing it to Son Nefes (Extra Content)

"You could have chosen a weapon you were more comfortable with," Renee said. "It made sense at the time to pick it up," Andrew said with an expansive shrug. "He liked knives, and I like beating people at their own game."

and

"Do you know why I learned to fight with knives?" Renee asked. [..........]"He was older than me, and bigger than me, and stronger than me, so I had to find a way to fight him. He liked knives," she said, and Andrew flicked her a quick look she couldn't decipher, "so I decided to use them against him. I wanted to beat him at his own game, too."

ANYWAYS. I just thought I'd put all that in one single place because :))))

Especially since in TRK, when Neil and Renee talk, she says "But if you are as like us as we first predicted you to be, perhaps one day you can also come to see me as a friend."

Also the general fact that, there is a certain sense of... interest to me, I guess in the fact that Neil was purposely vague in hopes that everyone in the room would think he was speaking of Riko, when really he was talking about his father, who's his own monster from his past, and comparably made the two of them think of their own. Renee confirms this later to him(when she offers to teach him to wield knives), and Neil actually wonders about Andrew in that conversation as well.

#my posts #I spend a lot of time thinking about whether or not Andrew really thought that he was talking about Riko. #simply because Andrew knows about his scars (he hasn't seen them yet here but) #and honestly I'm not even sure that NEIL wanted Andrew to think it was about Riko. #I am at least 80% under the impression he only wanted his other teammates to think that. Otherwise why say anything at all? #Neil spends a LOT of time thinking about how to use his words and how to say things. #I also think it's interesting that Andrew and Renee both chose to learn knife skills in SPITE of their trauma #whereas Neil would (probably literally) rather die than be like his father #kinda ends up going back to that whole fight/flight thing in that context. #anyways this was worded badly but eh (by badly I mean 'barely at all' because it's 90% just quotes) #I'm tired #as a side note I have mixed feelings about the EC but I do like Son Nefes #actually I like almost all the EC that refers to their backstories rather than things that happen post canon #but anyway that's a different post for a different day #aftg #Neil Josten #Renee Walker #Andrew Minyard #Son Nefes #all for the game #the foxhole court #also im sure someone else has made this post already but 🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️🤷🏼‍♀️

[skitskatdacat63]

Help I just finished watching the Winter Soldier, after seeing the gifs in your blog. Too many memories unlocked I want to cry 😭😭😭

YESSSSSSSS HAHAHA IM SO GLAD 🥳 (istg every time I spam reblog gifs of a movie I watched, someone either ends up rewatching it bcs of me or talks to me abt the movie, so I'm so glad!!!!! Please join me in brainrot and come talk to me about it thank you 🙏🙏 please. I am in hell thank you 🥰)

I need to actually rewatch the whole movie at some point instead of just hyperfixating on clips that make me feel like a feral dog(mostly the one fight scene, iykyk), but like you said, it's bound to just end up making me cry bcs of the memories 🥹🤧

But lol yeah every once in a while I find myself coming back around to it, and just being reminded of how good that movie is in all aspects. But rn im just so obsessed again w just Bucky in general(particularly tho him as the Winter Soldier 🫢) HE'S SO !!!!!!!!!!!!! Y'KNOW?????? F1 break is taking too long, so a week ago, I was like ah im gonna go back and reread some fics, and I've been extremely deep in brainrot ever since. Just thinking abt him all day, downloading pics, reading fic, etc. But like today finally reached the breaking point of: okay fine ill go look at gifs. Bcs ive been stalking pinterest too much and downloading random stuff, so I wanted it to actually be on my blog. But yes. Look at him. Look at my boy. I feel feral.

Why did they make him so pretty/hot, why would they do this to me. Why did they have him wear a muzzle, why won't it stop haunting my thoughts. The fucking leather outfit. Etc etc.

#bucky 🥹 #i swear every year i find myself coming back to him at least for a bit #i just find him really compelling #and so much of the fic is so intriguing and well written and compelling #and i am forever salty abt how the mcu ended up #so every time i read fic i just am so brainrotted by how people write him #any time i want to feel feral i just go back and watch that one fight scene btwn him and steve in catws #that fucking....knife flip. ....god. #anyways yea. exposed my brainrot tofay and even worse w this post LOL #its so bad i like actually feel insane abt it #i iust want to. consume. #EATING HIM !!!!! #catie.asks #momentary lapse in judgement(positive)

[sharkieboi]

had a talk with my boss today that was basically “hey this recent bout of covid has put the writing on the wall for me and I can’t do the physical aspect of this job sustainably anymore, can you help me figure out something else, hopefully here at the aquarium cause I don’t want to have to move again and I like working here, or at least can you point me to the person who can help me figure that out” and fingers crossed but here’s hoping I can just land a desk job and still be able to see my birds from time to time

#shhh sharkie #I’m preemptively so upset about this but the reality is I can’t. #I can’t be on my feet all day and I can’t scrub and clean and I don’t trust myself on ladders or with a knife #I can try I know it’s early but even if I get back up to what is my new 100% I can’t do this anymore it’s not gonna work out. #and I’ll be more of a burden than an asset to the team if i’m constantly having to need help to do the basic routine #but i love this team and this aquarium and i don’t want to have to move again so soon #or change workplaces and lose the convenience of my apartment’s location to my workplace #but like truly I can get through about an hour of standing and working on my feet and then i’m exhausted and have to sit down #like I legit took a nap in the office today and boy howdy did I need it #i’m just really sad. I don’t want this to have to end. #I always (jokingly) said that i’ll do animal care until my body tells me I can’t #and my body is telling me I can’t. #fuck this shit. I finally get a decent job and a good role and have some consistency and then wham bam fuck you.

[khlur]

every time i talk w my parents i have to remind myself not to get swayed by their doting affectionate act.

#i mean see #becoming older has made me recognize and appreciate them for a lot of what they did #but to say that i am doing anything except lip service to them rn would be an exaggeration #our relationship has improved but i have made it clear that i never intend to live with them ever again #that the honeymoon period will last 2 days max #they'll cry their crocodile tears #and the emotional abuse will restart like it never stopped #that the physical abuse would have continued if i didn't threaten them by throwing chairs and a knife #like....these past few months have given me such fucking WHIPLASH #it almost makes me forget just how dysfunctional our dynamic has been #how i got away relatively well adjusted because i psychologied myself through clinical and counselling psych classes #how they refuse to take the blame absolutely for my brother's issues surfacing now in his adulthood #ever so often something so viscerally twisted will happen on a call or on the group chat which makes me want to hurt myself #and that serves as a wake up call abt how bad shit used to be #and how glad i am to be away from it all #but every few weeks i will be lulled back into thinking that maybe things weren't so bad #i'm also swayed so much by the people around me rn who hesitate so much to talk about anything that isn't small talk #either that or they're people who really love their parents and enjoy spending time with them #and i'm like....respectfully i cannot relate and neither can the bamboo rod that once broke in two bcs of how hard my parents wielded it <3 #and ofc when families come up in conversation everyone acts like it's a normal thing for there to be ups and downs #w so much unsaid and implied about how i'm actually an ungrateful POS who can't appreciate their parents sacrificing so much for me #hehe. no thanks. keep ur judgement to urself

[dirt-str1der]

Self shipping is always the morally correct thing to do

#Listen to my problems #sometimes self shipping includes the slow and painful process of getting killed over amd over by your f/o thats okay youll get him #eventually. orrr herrrrr (motivational speaker voice). #let me think hm theres been three guys ive loved enough to be this crazy over. self shipping is always correct #if youre not self shipping thats okay but if you want to you should you should draw yourself vivisecting him while hes squealin and giggling #you should write about the two of you biting eavh other until you hit bone you should literally kill him with a knife and them cry over the #body and then bring him back to life and do it again just so you can cry over the body again #you have to grip him by the shoulders and spit in his fave and use all the things he trusted you with against him and you have to make him #hate you you have to make him unable to forgive you then you have to make him forgive you then you have to apologise to him #and then. ohh and then you hit him with all that shit again but make sure you quick save before that because he might not forgive you again #you need to make him swallow pennies before getting into the mri machine and you need yo tell him that itll be okay smd you both know hes #going to explode but he does it anyway because he knows youre going to bring him back and he fucking loves it he wants to do it #oh he doesnt just love it hes addicted to it he wants it to happen and youll make it happen for him youll force it to happen even if hes #begging you not to do it again you can make him do anything you want. you can make him hate you if you want. if thats what he likes. you can #do it for him and you can do it for yourself and you can do it even if you both dont want it to happen you can make him get on his knees and #beg and then you can do it anyway and you can make him so angry that he hurts you right back and you can let him end it and after that you #can do it all over again if you really wanted to ... anyway you self ship to scratch an itch i self ship to scratch an itch everybody wants #different things out of the fiction they consume .. we should get more character reacts when you say youre pregnant but kiryu would be like #um. (blushes) wait is it mine ? <- and you can tell him anything and he’d have to believe it #god i need to go to bed ... wish i was playing yakuza rn ......

[angelicdevil]

So. Apparently my mom DOES know I’m suicidal and apparently she DOES think I’m suicidal just to hurt her feelings or something, didn’t say anything to refute the idea that she would happier if I went through with it. So I’m just uh. Gonna try to force myself calm down.

#devil script #I don’t even know what I did to upset her initially #Because it’s all ‘I want you to communicate’ until an opportunity comes up TO communicate #And what the fuck kind of person brings up that someone wants to commit suicide just to hurt the suicidal person #And she hasn’t even. #Tried to talk me into getting therapy for it????????? #She genuinely does not see it as a concern?????????? #Bitch I held a fucking knife to my that one just because the thought of you yelling at me over something really fucking small terrifies me #so much #And time and time again I think about how much you don’t want me around #Because you constantly bring up that I don’t pay rent #Which leads me to believe that you resent me being here #So it all just seems like she wants me to do it and is annoyed that I haven’t yet #And I think the fact that I will get suicidal over small stuff isn’t a sign of me being childish #I think it’s a sign that I need fucking therapy #But I’m apparently not worth it to anybody #Because even though I brought up that I don’t feel worth going back to therapy no one cared #But I don’t think I can afford therapy on my own #So just…. #I don’t know anymore #Tonight was supposed to be about my recent birthday too #vent #negative #suicide mention

[aenhanse]

people weren't lying those crossroads of twilight can really slog

#this is the longest it took me to finish a wheel of time book #i haven't been really posting my thoughts as i read through this series but i am an old man staring out his window rn #wot book spoilers #once i hit egwene pov chapters it definitely got better in terms of me actively wanting to sit down and read it #but the parts before... idk if it's because i had my usual break before picking up this book specifically but man. #tragic to me because elayne and mat povs are usually my favorite in the books but alas. #at least i got the “but she loved aviendha every bit as much as she did rand”. much to think about #but yeah it very much feels like a sort of filler book #i feel like a lot of the events could've been shortened? #but i do find a lot of what happened in the back half of the book interesting. like the introduction of so habor #and whatever is going on with mat seeing dead people?? yeah i'm kicking my leggies and am interested to see what's up with those things #although all three boys now getting in some ways alligned with the seanchan... :| not looking forward to that #and i find tuon intriguing she is interesting to me i just wish there was no romance plot here #overall i enjoyed the egwene chapters the most #egwene povs my new best friend #(i'm saying this as if i haven't liked them in previous books. i very much did but there were always povs that i enjoyed more in comparison #anyways. live randland reaction the book goes to the bottom of my list. i am walking off into the sunset with knife of dreams in my hand #olga talks

[miodiodavinci]

i honestly think it's really neat how when it comes to MMD models there's a sliding scale of "uses raw untextured materials colored via diffusion/ambient/relfective values and relies solely on external shaders for definition" ala the original animasa models to "has highly specific specialized shading baked directly into the textures and may use a single toon At Most™ for flavor" and how most models tend to fall somewhere in the middle

#there are also models that are very intricately textured but Will Actively Perish™ if not rendered with an external shader #and models that have a really nice balance between baked and toon/spa shading that opens up the option to swap in new shaders as needed #i am thinking about these things because i am once again working in vroid and thinking about how much i don't want to use blender #and thus am making this As Baked As Possible™ #because like yes #in theory i know how to repaint normals and clean up edges and incorporate a little knife tool action as needed #but working in blender makes me feel like i'm performing surgery in a operating room laced with rube goldberg machines designed to blow up #like i put in the effort to learn grease pencil and I'm Good With That Now™ #but i do not have the terminology nor vocabulary to look up what i need in general blender tutorials #and thus every moment is another chance for Disaster™ #(like the time i went to save my model and somehow hit a key that just) #(erased everything in the save folder) #(with no way to get it back) #(put the fear of 3D modeling in me)