#i really only ever come here to scream or post the most unhinged thing ever

[oceanlipgloss]

11.1.2024

—nsfw (do bless your eyes, your hearts and your minds)

I checked the introductory screen to the final H-scene of Chapter 4, and I think I'm going to dress in drag and do the hula spin like a vinyl. I think I've seen the light, seen a vision. My people, I predict that this H-scene will most ardently come for my ass (edit 1: it didn't come for my ass, it WRECKED it. This was heavenly, this was a pleasure, this was a gift from God. Everyone, I present to you the most unhinged reaction to an H-scene I've ever had so far)

edit 2: the original post got flagged because yours truly loved the CG so much she didn't crop it, so this is a repost. The CG deserved to be seen goddammit I'll never forgive you for this, Tumblr🖕🏼

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ´ˎ˗

intro: HE REALLY? HE WHAT? HUHHHH? HIS TONGUE, PEOPLE THE FUCKING QUOTE, PEOPLE

update I: these past few H-scenes have been especially confusing timeline-wise. For instance, this one began when everyone was at the hospital, even though MC has already been taken away by Leamas. It seemed more logical to me to interpret that it somehow happened before Leamas took MC with him—which still doesn't quite make 100% sense, mind you, because Bimet's H-scene took place then, so...I'm not too sure about this. Then there's how Belial was apparently unwell up until that point, so how could he have managed to do the deed with MC? Then again, perhaps devils heal at a faster pace than humans do, and that would be perfectly sensible because devils are immortal, and since they aren't humans their bodies must have functions and rates that differ than those of human bodies.

update II: oh thank fuck Jjyu isn't here and probably won't be there when it's time to...lend MC a helping dick hand because that would've been a threesome as cursed as this sentence

update III: DOPE. This is how they're going to communicate, now is it? It will be so sensual when the time comes

update IV: so he HAS healed, which I'm guessing means he's going too screw MC into next week, because bro, that CG snippet on the intro screen? It's got 'I will make you scream' written all over it. It gave me the impression that Belial is intense and playful when it comes to sex, which would in turn mean that he's the gentle type that turns mercilessly naughty in bed. Iswtg if that's the case I'm going to screech. I'm on my knees praying I'm right because my God, can you imagine how ruthlessly sexy that would be? Also, Satan and Sitri's enthusiasm to help again is most welcome please, each book your appointment and be MC's guest, and Zagan should do the same it's so cute how they desperately want to do this with her again

update V: aw MC is relieved by the fact that Belial is feeling better. I'm glad, I really love when she worries for them and cares about them

update VI: OH GOD I am going to love this. He's so bold and straightforward and efficient ( ͡° ͜ʖ ͡°) I guess my little 'theory' is going to be on point

update VII: for the love of all that's holy please please I have so much to say already. The way he's caressing her skin? The way he begins by stroking her body only to suddenly stop at a certain spot and write? The way he so confidently asks why she's shivering when he already knows the answer is him? Belial, you're messing with my mind so well right now

update VIII: he likes the boobies lol

update IX: meek and gentle, you say? He's a gentle weapon of mass destruction, that's what he is and don't you think it would've been funny if they had kept Jjyu on his horn? I'm glad they didn't

update X: my God this has BARELY begun and I'm already feeling things because this is criminally sensual God please Belial I think you're going to make it big bigtime in my favourite characters club

update XI: nonononono he's too much he's too good he's too sexy I am NOT dealing well I am NOT fine THIS IS EXACTLY MY CUP OF TEA AND THE TEACUP IS OVERFLOWING DO YOU UNDERSTAND???

update XII: SEND HELP SEND HELP SEND

update XIII: not him writing on her shoulder with his left hand while his right wrecks her. Not them describing his fingers. Not me having a thing for hands. I AM GOING WILD HE'S LITERALLY A NAUGHTY DREAM I TELL YOU

update XIV: good god. Good lord. DEAR GOD. DEAR LORD. The writer(s) must have taken a dip pun intended inside my mind for inspiration for this scene because HOW THE FUCK DOES EVERYTHING ABOUT HIM AND EVERY DAMN THING HE'S DOING MAKE ME TINGLE

update XV: AAAAAAAADNLSKSJSNSJKS HOT DAMN I TOLD YOU, HE'S MISCHIEVIOUS AND HOT AND SEXY AND

update XVI: ignore saucy sassy MC and let us all revere Belial for a moment. In casual times, he's gentle and soft and gives off that aura because that's just how he is, but LOOK at him now. HE IS SHOWING HER NO MERCY. HE IS INTENT ON DESTROYING US ALL. That kind of difference in attitude between default mode and sex mode wrings my guts and tickles my heart into overdrive. MMMMM

update XVII: mercy mercy mercy MERCY this is what I was telling you THIS IS WHAT I WAS SAYING

update XVIII: now this? It deserves a screenshot of its own because. THAT EXPRESSION ON A SEEMINGLY GENTLE MAN. THAT TONGUE. THOSE WORDS BEING WRITTEN ON HER BODY BY THAT SEEMINGLY GENTLE MAN. He wants to hear her fall apart for him and that's it I'm done for and the fact that he himself can't talk makes this touching despite what's going down and how in the name of fuck is she even managing to keep quiet anyways TELL ME???

update XIX: GRAAAAAAAAAAA write as much as you want write AS MUCH AS YOU WANT

update XX: my brain is melting like a blob of ice cream like a scoop of ice cream whatever it is man because it's too hot, it's too hot

update XXI: oh man oh man OH MAN I DON'T EVEN HAVE WORDS ANYMORE BUT IDC IF PEOPLE CALL WHAT HE'S SAYING WEIRD I LIKE IT except the sweat part and someone please explain how she's still being able to focus on what he's writing on her skin at this point unless the writings send signals to her mind and her mind reads them on its own

update XXII: he scares me. He is terrifyingly perfect. He's the whole package. THE WHOLE. FUCKING. PACKAGE. She's skilled at swallowing what though And him complimenting her voice is a stake to the heart, I find it sad but so sweet and heartwarming all at the same time

update XXIII: HOLY MOTHER OF GOD THE CG THE FUCKING CG THE

update XXIV: BRUUUUUUUH this is this is this is so unique and artistic and sensual and the details alluding to how he was feeling while he was writing omfg like 'some words were scribbled in a hurry and other sentences were written clearly and tenaciously' and oh my god I AM FUCKING EATING RIGHT NOW *nitpicks* she did hear Belial talk before though, like when he said Solomon's name on his own, so the 'never heard his voice' doesn't really add up. Yes, she didn't hear his voice as it should have been in its healthy state, but she did somewhat hear him talk

update XXV: I AM LOOKING AT HIM I AM LOOKING (edit 3: I am so salty that I had to crop this. Saltier than salt itself, truth be told) AND WHAT THE FUCK IS HE DOING BEING SO PERFECT AND SENSING HOW SHE'S FEELING LIKE THAT

update XXVI: GODDDDDD GOOD GODDDDD I love how MC is so reactive to him like she's HUNGRY for him and desperate for more even though he's going hella fast already and then him getting turned on even more because she wants him and the fact that she's writing on his body now too I'M AAAAAAAAAAAAAAH

update XXVII: the atmospherical descriptions of how the silence I am once again asking to know how MC is being quiet enhanced the sound of the rustling sheets and...other things? Mhm

update XXVIII: 'moaning in the arms of a man who scribbled ticklish words on you' romantic and carnal come together and yours truly poofs out of existence

update XXIX: MC ik you're hanging on to the remaining crumbs of your sanity by your fingernails but pls don't shout in his ears, that has to be unpleasant like 'I THINK I'M GONNA CUM BELIAL DO YOU COPY'

update XXX: bro he's done with the railing but he's STILL railing this is so hot it's illegal like they're done but he hasn't pulled out dammittttttt I feel bad for the devils though, MC gets to experience the best orgasmic fireworks of her life, but the demons never get to satisfy their own needs even though they enjoy it lol makes me think, it must be heavenly hell for a human woman trying to conceive with a male demon because damn bro that stamina is a monster the stamina's not the only monster

update XXXI: LMFAO THE WAY THEY DESCRIBE IT they make it seem like a happy creature lol they sure have a knack for describing dicks

update XXXII: you mean all THREE of us, Belial. ALL THREE OF US. I also cannot get over how bold and straightforward he is, and the fact that he's often gentle and quiet makes him brutal fr

update XXXIII: the nerve on this man. The NERVE. First he kicks my kneecaps, then he does this

update XXXIV:...ik the sex was mind-shattering, earth-splitting, cum-splatting, but how do you even not notice something like that how can that be possible

update XXXV: excuse me while I go scream like a fucking maniac. He likes this so much he doesn't want to free the girl. What a winner GOD BLESS This was pretty much decided from just before he and MC broke their contract and then when he wiped MC's tears after the broken contract, now even more early on in this H-scene scene, but he very obviously made it to the top ranks in my favourite characters club. With that being said, welcome to the club, Belial lol

⋆ ⋆ ⋆ ´ˎ˗

+note: that was an experience. The duality of his character played a number on my heart and mind. And maybe not even duality per se, but more so a secret side he only shows in moments of intimacy. Either way, what an amazing scene. It was artistic and overwhelmingly sensual, yet maintained the perfect balance between intense, gentle, playful and erotic.

I also adored the concept of silence and the slight hint to his discophilia—the silence allowed MC to hear new things and listen to sounds that were embarassingly clear—it was very unique.

And the artistic touch to this! It was so innovative altogether—he couldn't talk, but he let his thoughts and actions glow on her body and speak much too boldly for him instead.

Needless to say, I was obviously losing my marbles and enjoying this a biiit too much. I loved it so much where do I even begin

#whb #what in “hell” is bad #what in hell is bad #whb belial #what in hell is bad diaries

[batsarebetterthanpeople]

You know what. I said this in the comments but I'm gonna say it out here because I think people need to see it. I've seen a lot of bitching from Izzy stans when I come across them that people are getting "harassed" (read: criticized) for liking Izzy. And then they go off on this big tangent about how dare you say x y z when I relate to Izzy. I think what those people are missing is that when people talk about homophobia or racism in the show, they're doing the exact same thing that you are doing, which is to say, relating the show back to their lived experiences.

I'm gonna use the homophobia here because I can only really speak for myself, but I'm sure the same applies to when black and brown fans talk about racism.

I'm a flamboyant gay man (I'm also trans and disabled, which informs some of the things I'm about to say but I'm focusing on the homophobia). I have been called a bitch more times than I can count, I have been told I'm lazy and good for nothing, I've been called a monster, a freak, a dyke, a tranny, you name it I've been called it. The characters I happen to relate to most in Our Flag Means Death are Lucius and Ed, for reasons unrelated to all of that. So for me watching the show and Izzy walks up to Lucius right after he's just gotten done fucking Black Pete and says "you're a bitch now get back to work" I can be forgiven for looking at Lucius and saying "Damn I've been there, girl." But for some fucking reason when I make a post saying, essentially that Izzy is giving off homophobic vibes, and I personally as someone who has been through that shit find it weird that some people didn't pick up on that but whatever" for some reason Izzy stans take that as a personal fucking attack, and then they attack back and then I have to block a bunch of people and it's a whole thing.

And then I'll see them complaining about "Older queers and closet cases relate to him so you can't talk shit about him" and I'm like good for you but I'm also a queer and I relate to Ed as a queer and Izzy objectively screamed at him about how he was pathetic and soft because he was sad about his boyfriend. I've been yelled at for being pathetic because of being with my partner. Why is it that when I talk about that I get lambasted for it.

So Izzy stans, I genuinely want to know. Why for thee and not for me, huh? Why is it that when I relate this show back to my personal experiences you perceive it as an attack, but when you relate to this character no one is ever allowed to say anything mean about him. And if you talk about main tagging even once you're getting blocked because some of the shit you guys put in the Ed Teach tag is unhinged so that's another layer of hypocrisy.

Final thing. None of what I've said here means you can't like Izzy. I love Calico Jack and he's gay and homophobic. None of this is an attack. I'm just talking about my experiences. And yeah. I know I'm opening myself up to harassment by putting this in the Izzy tag. but I'm hoping that we can all have a mature conversation about it. And I'm not gonna tag this izzy critical. I've only said things that are objectively true and it's not really about him it's about why you guys are always crying so damn loud that I somehow hear it.

#ofmd #izzy hands #our flag means death #also yes calling a gay man a bitch because he's gay is in fact a homophobic slur #cry about it

[10holmes]

Thanks for the fanfic ask game qs, now it's your turn! :D

I hope these aren't too many qs, but I'd love to know your thoughts:

C, K, M, S, T, V, Y

Thank you :)

Yay! Thanks so much for asking! So excited to answer these questions 😍🙏🏼🎉

The full (very long - sorry!) answer to be found below the cut! 😁

C: What character do you identify with most?

Oooh that's a tricky question... I think I can't boil it down to just one character but a blend of characters? I think the characters I tend to stan and ship are a good indicator bc I usually fixate most on ships and characters that somehow speak to me or that I relate to.

For example with XueXiao, I really identify with Xiao Xingchen in the way that he is kind and helpful to others and follows this ideal of wanting to make the world a better place and leaving the mountain for that, aka a place he could stay placid and content in, to instead do something about the injustices he knows about in the "real world", even if that means facing hardships and pain and struggles.

As for Xue Yang, I really relate to him and see him as my deepest darkest side if I could throw my morality over board. I am someone who whole-heartedly proclaims "eat the rich" and means it, so if I was any more like Xue Yang in the way not to give a fuck, I'd also just kill the people that hurt me or others and go unhinged... 😅🙈 Slight difference between us being I would not kill indiscriminately and for the fun of it or for the slightest offense but really only target corrupt rich people and super capitalists and fascists that have it coming for them 🤭

K: What's the angstiest idea you've ever come up with?

I really don't want to spoil anything, but it has to do with an alternative chapter / ending I came up with for my LiuJiu A/B/O fic. I love happy endings as much as the next fanfic reader but sometimes I just want to make myself and others hurt. And this one will hopefully make my readers scream.

Also there's a XueXiao reincarnation fic WIP I can't wait to post. It's nearly finished and I wrote it while listening to Tom Odell's "Another Love" on repeat - which should give you enough of a vibe to imagine the angst level of this fic. I'll just say this much: unrequited love 🤭👍🏼

Sorry I can't be more specific but I really don't want to spoil anything more😅🙈

M: Got any premises on the back burner that you'd like to share?

Maybe it's because I'm too young to know that phrasing or maybe it's a native speaker thing but I had to google what this meant first and hope Google got it right 😅🤣

My WIP file is massive... To give you a glimpse: Next to the ones mentioned above I've also started:

- an angsty post-canon Beefleaf fic, where SQX is haunted by a hanging ghost and made to kill herself but HX intervenes and they start their journey of reconciling, don't know if I'll ever finish it...

- a VegasPete vampire / vampire hunter AU based on a Tumblr prompt and gif-set post but I'll very likely never continue that...

- a LiuJiu AU where SJ is present during the events of SVSSS and LQQ knows SY is an imposter and now tries to bring back SJ into his former body. This has angst and hurt written into every line. Sadly it's merely all in my head...

S: Any fandom tropes you can't resist?

Enemies to Lovers always hits! It's my jam!

Also the angstier the merrier! Hit me with the feels, the pain, the hurt, the agony! Doesn't even have to have a happy ending, I'm a sucker for being emotionally destroyed and also emotionally destroying my readers (though I tend to give them a happy ending at least) 😈🤣👍🏼

And, like you, omegaverse is my guilty pleasure - the smuttier the better 😏

And speaking of guilty pleasures I also have to say monster-fuck AUs are on the menu as well... There have been some really good SongXueXiao ones, I've read. Didn't know that was something I'd ever be into - my 14 year old self would probably be appalled. But here we are 🤣🤣

Soulmate and Fated Pair AUs are something I like to dig into as well.

And I'm also really into mermaid AUs. Especially when one is human and the fic gives off The Little Mermaid vibes.

T: Any fandom tropes you can't stand?

I don't know why but any modern day AUs especially High School AUs... I just can't read it. The most I will do is mob boss / mafia or reincarnation where they slowly uncover their past, but if canon events are set in modern times/contexts I don't really like it for some reason 😅

But I'm actually quite open to a lot of fics and it's mostly not the tropes I can't stand but characterisation or writing style 😅🙈

V: If you could write the sequel/prequel to any fanfic out there (not you own) which would it be?

Bruh... What a difficult question... I haven't ever thought about writing continuations or pre-quels for existing fic as I love them the way they are and mostly just in between imagine possible canon-divergences if the characters had made different choices...

But I guess, from the top of my head, I'd like to write a sequel to "Mark of Jasmine" to give LiuJiu an alternative or reincarnation happy ending because they've really been played in that one... 🙈😅

Y: A character you want to protect?

So many. All my little blorbos and meow meows. On the top of that list - obviously - Xue Yang. But I'd also step in front of my best bois Loki and Shen Jiu to shield them. They deserve so much better 💕😭

Now thanks again for the ask and for reading this long-ass reply, it was my pleasure 🤣

#fic ask game #interesting questions #thanks for the ask #10holmes musings

[gummybugg]

Writer Questions Tag!

Thanks for the tag, @tabswrites! Find her post here. I did do this tag at some point, but I wanted to restart!

I'm gonna leave this as a fully Open tag. If anyone wants, they can say I tagged them!

...

[1] What is your absolute all-time favorite idea you’ve ever had?

Forcing myself to write more via peer pressure & to maintain a highly Positive blog to foster confidence in my writing. But also, I would say my wip Crater City, because I just like going Wild writing it. I don't have to hold back my imagination, I just use whatever comes to mind create a new path. I promise it's not as chaotic as that sounds because there is a sound plot, but I give a lot of wiggle room. Very refreshing, and it's a stark contrast to writing essays all day.

[2] Is there a question you’ve been asked in the past that really stands out to you, and you still think about sometimes?

Not a question! But! Every time there’s a song playing and my little sister says “I’m assigning that song to your character.” (And then I tell her it’s on the character’s playlist already, ehehehe) I’m just very passionate about my characters, that’s the moral of the story :’)

[3] What is your favorite part of being a writer? What parts could you take or leave?

I’ll hit you with the double-edged sword called “I got the best idea for a scene at 3 am but I’m sooo tired, but it’s sooo gonna be worth it!” (Yet I never regret doing it)

[4] What is your greatest motivation to write/create?

Probably writing stories that are a culmination of my favorite stories. At least, that's what Crater City is so far. Not a copy, of course, but if all of my favorite apocalyptic/sci-fi media had a child, that's what it would be!

There’s a handful or 2 of some sci-fi webtoons I really adore reading! I would recommend books too, if only I could read them in a timely manner. Comics are just easier for me to consume for the time being.

[5] What is the best piece of advice you’ve ever read or been given as a writer?

Write what excites you and don't worry too much about if others think it's cringe. I’ve seen so many reddit threads of people asking if they can put [insert trope] in their writing, and I wish I could just scream at them: DO IT! IT’S YOUR WRITING! DO WHATEVER YOU WANT! You know there’s gotta be some people out there who’s interested in your story if at least one person you know is into it (You).

[6] What do you wish you knew when you were first starting out writing?

I wish I knew I didn't have to live up to the same expectations my family/others have for my writing. I'm an adult & can write whatever I want! I don't really feel the pressing weight of expectations to please others through my writing as much anymore, unless it's some form of commission/assignment. My characters can be gay, mentally ill, what have you, and I'm lucky I get the freedom to write them how I please.

[7] What is your favorite story you’ve written to completion? Link it if you’d like and can!

I wish I could but alas, I struggle to finish my thoughts in day-to-day life.

[8] What is your favorite out-of-the-box quote?

From one of my English professors, grading my essay: “This analogy doesn’t work here.” Here’s another one: “?????” They’re so silly, I swear.

[9] Which of your characters would you say has the most controversial mindset? Why do you say so, and how do you personally feel about their ideals?

At some point I said Darcy, but I’m feeling spicy today and I’m gonna go with Frasier today (both from my wip Crater City). I think everyone in that story is controversial because I kind of made everyone Unhinged. Well, as they say, “Oops, my bad.”

Anyway, the law isn’t the most important thing to Frasier, as he will do anything to make sure he gets his way. At some point (or maybe not yet) I mentioned how Blair and Elijah are lowkey like Frasier’s godchildren, so you can guarantee he’d use his mayor-assistant powers to make sure they’re safe. Many of the Crater City characters (except Darcy, I think) don’t really care about others outside their relationships, so the traumatic consequences of murder and destruction aren’t at the forefront of their minds.

It really makes me ask myself sometimes what defines a villain. Darcy is running around trying to save humanity by any means necessary (even to the point of merging humans with machines), while the rest of the cast just wants to live selfishly in the moment because they’re not promised a tomorrow. Truly interesting how things are developing. I think it makes them more human, but what do you think?

[10] If you, when you first started writing, met you now, what would younger you think?

My younger self would be surprised I had the potential to get this far. Sometimes it’s very hard to begin writing again, but as soon as I just start, I remember what it’s like to have fun writing!

#thanks for the tag! #writing #writer questions tag #about me #open tag #In my little toy boat I sail #Admist the stormy seven seas #From where the wind blows #I am unsure of but #At least I get to be a pirate

[yuusaris]

4, 17, 37 for the fic writer ask game !

4) Link your three favorite fics right now.

love makes monsters of us all [ygo, Tendershipping]. tw for kidnapping, blackmail, sexual coersion, core/graphic violence and homophobic language but it's all worth it, it's some of the most flawless Bakura writing I've ever read, it's a shitton of fun to hear this feral shadow creature enjoy tortuing Ryou's tormetors. A must-read, tbh.

Yet To Come [rvb, lolix] is a fuuuun fucking time. Hands down. erelis is the master of writing Isaac "Felix Fuckface McScouty" Gates, especially in the context of him as an amoral monster of a human being, while giving the feelings he has weight and a deservingness of your sympathy. Locus is on point. Of all the ways to reconcile these two's very different and distinct perspective of things, this is top tier shit.

And honestly? Here's just a list of tenderwulfs YGO writing. All three of them. Fuck it. There's no wrong answer. They're all perfect. They all make me scream and cry. Everything she writes makes me want to eat dirt - it's the only way to soothe whatever w o u n d she decides needs to be opened, in Ryou Bakura's name, on my flesh.

17) How obsessively do you sit and stare at your fic after you’ve just posted and wait for feedback?

The second I post it, I'm staring for a full 24.... 48 hours, or until first non-anon kudos or any comment. Whichever comes first.

In my age, I've learned to accept lack of comments as a facet of life, I write nowadays for a very old fandom, for a ship that's taken a backseat to the numberrrrrrrrr 3? 2? Slot? regarding my faves. But it doesn't stop me. I crave validation. I work hard and I need to be better about my unhealthy attachments to my writing.

Because writing... isn't, like. Content. That's a really bad mindset that I've developed recently, and that's why that compulsion is so strong in me nowadays. I need to unlearn that.

37) Give an update on your current WIP - if you don’t have one, give a sneak peek to a title or idea that you have and would like to write.

Okay, so - I have... a LOT of WIPs. I cycle through them so I never get bored writing.

My chat/shipping VRAINS fics have taken a backseat untiiiilll IIIIII watch more VRAINS. My hybrid Vrains/DM vampire fic "How To Be A Vampire", has taken a MASSIVE backseat for the same reason, and also so I can tighten up how I want the Dm portions to go - it was, after all, originally a DM fic with a Vrains spin-off, but it being a primarily Vrains fic with DM support makes more sense and is better tension. As such, i really have to go through my stuff.

I've got a number of other little fics behind me. I'm working on smaller stuff for TenderWeek aaand I've got a joint lo/lix and tender idea I'm working on, involving serial killers and necromancy.

As for my meat and potatoes stuff, Body/Life is gunna be getting a more general outline - my current way of doing it has not been helpful and Chapter Two continues to be a real thorn in my side - I'm not struggling to make these tsuchinoko work for me, I'm struggling to make the chapter funny, which is important to me cuz I want this to be a comedy. I want that so I can give some levity to the very dangerous, very foolish and very very unhinged and not okay situation Ryou is walking into, to give us a show that he's confident in his choices not only because he's knowledgeable and unique in his approach with them, but to also show he's not looking at this with the lens he probably should be. Bakura's coming along much better, but this is still a struggle. An outline is on my list.

Becaaaauuuse my tender!hanahaki outline is ALMOST DOOOONNNNEEE I'm almost ready to show it off to Tay, get some of the tweaks figured out, and start writing it in full!

But, to give a pitch, Ryou has been coughing up petals recently - which is odd, to him, because he's not in love with anybody. The fic goes through his and Bakura's endeavors to fix his illness, though more Ryou's efforts than Bakura's. The Spirit is not cooperating.

I'm REALLY excited to unveil this one - "Love, The Me That's Killing You", is the title I'm currently going with, as Ijimekko Bully is the PERFECT song for Bakura's vibes throughout it - I've been working REALLY hard on getting my skeleton in order, making sure the re-read is JUST as fun as the first, even if the twist is predictable.

Thank you for these!!!! I love talking about me~

#me flavored soup #my writing #ask game

[werewolfashton]

spot the difference but it's the britpop bestie bitches

@calumcest

#listen. fucker is very officially a britpop fan #this can't just be a coincidence #i really only ever come here to scream or post the most unhinged thing ever #hehe #i've had this in my drafts since like two days after my show #i remain it has to have been intentional #anyway posting this bc i left helen's sight just now and i already miss her #i love this crazy lady so much #apparently 7 hours are not enough though i didn't even get to be annoying about britpop au #lmao sorry i'm making other people look at this #i just love posting my feelings on main :))) #also i'm definitely distracting myself so i don't cry <3 #helen move to germany challenge #ahhhhhhh #okay #my feet are wet #that's all i'm gonna go write #calum #liam gallagher #britpop au #helen 🇬🇧 #i love that my phone suggests the flag when i type helen now <3

[elysianslove]

Hiii! I loved your Iwa fluff headcanons and was wondering if you could do one with Suna? thanks <3

yesyesyes i would love to!!! iwaizumi’s version. 

↬ when suna was younger, he really, really wanted a pet bunny. like he really, really loved bunnies, and would beg his parents day and night for one. he even made a really badly edited powerpoint on bunnies and why he deserves one (aside the editing, it was a very persuasive powerpoint. they filmed him while he presented it and the video haunts him to this day). his parents were relentless, though, and didn’t get him his bunny. instead, though, they surprised him with a cat. a cat isn’t as high maintenance since they’re very independent creatures, but can also be very fun. they figured any pet would make him happy. they were wrong. suna hated her so much and would never interact with her. like to the point where he nicknamed her “bitch” and now she mainly answers to that instead of her name. but all that only worked against him, and the cat just kept getting more and more attached to him.

↬ suna now loves her so much, and she’s just as attached to him. like he would kill for her, honestly. it’s his cat >>> everyone else. he has an album on his phone dedicated to pictures and videos of only her, and her bed is in his room because she always ends up sleeping there anyways. he realized later on when he grew older that a cat was the perfect animal for him, and he’s not sure if it’s a parents thing and they really knew or they were just winging it and hoping for the best, but she’s his favorite ever and he would risk it all for her.

↬ his favorite sleeping position with her would be when he’s casually laying on his back scrolling through his phone and she comes and crawls along him to lay on his chest. the warmth he feels within his chest like he just gets so giddy.

↬ suna is crazy obsessed with serial killer documentaries, horror movies, unsolved mysteries, everything like that. his favorite pastime is watching and reading these things, but honestly, it’s not even a like, “wow that’s so cool,” and more of a, “suna what is wrong with you???” type of thing, because he’s the type to have like insidious 2 in the background as he does his homework or gets ready or something. it’s kind of scary how unfazed he is with things like that.

↬ but! yeah he’s extremely brave when it comes to horror movies, borderline unhinged, but his biggest fear? his phobia, if you will? spiders. insects in general, really. he will scream like a sixth grader that’s yet to hit puberty if he sees a spider crawling near him. once he was peeing in the miya twins’ bathroom and some kind of cockroach crawling on the wall and nearly fainted. thank god he was already peeing because he would’ve pissed his pants either way. it’s so embarrassing for him, so he’s so good at hiding it. he just freezes impossibly when he notices an insect and doesn’t take his eye off of it until someone else notices it and kills it. there was this instance when they were at a training camp and he kept feeling as if something was crawling on him, but assumed it was just really hot and his skin was tingling from that. something was crawling on him, though, and it was not just really hot. Top 10 Most Traumatic Moments of his life, especially because atsumu’s first instinct was to record the whole thing.

↬ suna is extremely, and i mean extremely, touch-starved. physical touch has always made him uncomfortable for a reason unknown to him, so he never really accepted hugs or kisses from his family, and would feel so icky if he was roped into a group hug b by his teammates. so when he met you, he thought you’d be so against the fact that he’s uncomfortable with it, because who would want a partner that doesn’t wanna touch or be touched? turns out he actually craves it, and needs it badly, he just needed to take his own time and pace approaching it, and with how understanding you were, he doubted he could ever figure this out without you. he just took it slow, you know? but the more he touched you — held your hand, pinched your cheek, rested his head on your shoulder, pecked your lips for a few seconds longer than last time — the more he wanted you.

↬ when suna became comfortable with the thought and idea that yeah, he actually craves physical touch so damn bad, he wouldn’t stop touching you every second he could. he became insanely clingy, no matter if you were in public or alone. just always has a hand on you at all times. when he’s alone with you, he’s always trying to cuddle with you. you wanna sit and chill on your phone and not really talk? sure, just come do it with your head on his chest. you wanna watch a movie and munch on some popcorn and possibly share a drink? of course he’d love to! just come sit between his legs with your popcorn on your lap so he can steal some and also offer you some sips from the drink. you don’t wanna hug him after a game cause he’s too sweaty? that’s too bad, he wasn’t asking for permission. so you see, suna is a clingy mf. like latches onto you like a koala clingy <3

↬ suna’s music taste is very diverse. his favorite genre is alternative and rock, like the neighborhood, arctic monkeys, etc, but he also loves, loves loves glitchcore music, but also will un-ironically listen to kpop, and rap, and hannah montana’s old music too because why not. he just doesn’t care. if a song is good, it’s good. so what if it caters to a bunch of 12 year olds and not him? who decides that anyways?

↬ suna is very good at hair. like so good. as his sister started to get older, and her hair grew longer, she would sometimes ask him to do it for her before school. at first he was terrible at it, except maybe ponytails cause his hair was long enough at some point to push back into a ponytail, but everything else like parting her hair for pigtails or doing braids or a bun… he was just awful. so, in response, he’d just practice. he’d watch videos as he’s doing his little sister’s hair and be so focused, with his tongue sticking out a little and his eyes squinting as he tries to get it accurate. eventually, he becomes a master at it! you find this out when one day, as you’re just over at his house, his sister comes into his room with a hair tie and a brush and he just carries her up onto his lap and braids her hair as he chats with you and it was so endearing and so impressive and you genuinely believe that was the moment you realized you were in love with him.

↬ he offers to do your hair for you all the time now!! especially if you’ve just showered and are too lazy to brush it and tie it in some way, so he does it for you. he’s actually so, very gentle when brushing your hair, you don’t even feel a thing. if anything, it makes you really sleepy.

↬ when he joined the national team and started to become more and more of a public figure, he’d send you really explicit fan art of him and other teammates he was shipped with just to piss you off. if he was feeling really bold, he’d send you smut written about him. he says he wants to make you jealous. he just wants to provoke you in every way possible, really. one time someone made an edit plot twisting you and him to him and like atsumu so he downloaded video star and made such a bad edit of you and him and posted it on his twitter and instagram and it went viral. like it was one of those edits of just pictures flipping and hearts flashing and lights spasming all over the screen it was so bad it made you cry with laughter. that was his way of telling the world, no one but this person for me, right here <3

↬ i think he’d be very good at doing chores and cleaning and all that, despite how lazy he is. i just think it’s a habit kind of thing, where he grew up doing laundry and making his bed and cleaning his room and washing the dishes that he genuinely doesn’t mind doing it cause it’s natural for him. and he’s learnt to enjoy it.

↬ suna’s favorite color was deep, deep purple at some point, but now it’s between green and black.

↬ he’s caught up with all seasons of keeping up with the kardashians. please don’t ask him why, he doesn’t even know.

↬ once when you were out with him you just gave him a rock that was on the floor and he’s kept that rock with him ever since. like it’s in the drawer next to his bed and sometimes he just takes it out and holds it in his hand while he’s doing homework or scrolling through his phone.

↬ he spams you a lot. like at any time time of the day he just sends you a million videos of him doing the most mundane things; he sends you a video of him eating some almonds and at the end it’s just him going, “i’s good,” or him lip-syncing a song you sent him to listen to, or him trying to do eyeliner because why not. or maybe it’s pictures of him and it’s always ridiculous: him exaggerating him thinking, and then captioning it “thinking,” or just a picture of him on the roof with a peace sign and a pretty smile, or a close up photo of his face saying, “miss u.”

↬ he also spams you with memes all the time. and there’s no set type, it’s just all kinds. really corny memes and really cursed memes, wholesome memes and also memes that bully you. it’s all about the versatility.

↬ suna loves to sleep, he really does, but before meeting you, the only place where he could properly fall into a deep sleep was his bed. after meeting you, anywhere where you were next to him was the perfect place to sleep. if he had your presence near him he could sleep, it didn’t matter, especially if he was resting on your lap or shoulder or gripping onto your hand or resting his legs on your lap. he just wants you close to him, you know? like he feels so safe and comfortable when you’re around, it kind of scares him if he’s honest.

#haikyuu x reader #haikyuu headcanons #suna x reader #suna headcanons #suna rintaro x reader #suna rintaro headcanons #suna fluff #sal's fluff tag <3

[sitp-recs]

(Perfect artwork for Modern Love, by @cambiodipolvere)

Today is the day of one of my favorite people! And I totally resent @tackytigerfic and Starry for almost sharing the same birthday, god the STRESS 😂 Tacky is my first and closest fandom friend. We clicked together so fast and easy that sometimes it feels like I’ve known her all my life, like we’re two dog moms living in the same neighborhood who happen to read fic in their free time. Despite our conflicting time zones and crazy schedules we manage to chat every other day, tagging and sending each other all kinds of stuff, coming together to cry scream about a brilliant fic we’ve just read or shaking our heads in embarrassment at every other unnecessary bullshit post. Tacky’s bright and wise energy uplifts my spirit even on my moody days, and makes me grateful for her friendship and for this fandom life. Okay so this got long and I had to put the rest under the cut:

It’s such a lovely and precious thing, to have someone with whom you can share every single thought that crosses your mind, your scariest, most embarrassing, petty or disturbing idea, without fear of being shamed or judged by it. I trust Tacky with all my heart to hear me out, share a joke or a piece of advice, even on the (rare) occasions when we don’t get the same perspective - that doesn’t happen often when it comes to Drarry, as we are taste twins!

Tacky my darling, you’re such a good person, and such an incredible friend. Thank you for introducing me to this lovely community, for being my safe haven and your unique self, with so many qualities I admire and feel inspired by: kind, witty, earnest, wise, and so very human. I love your humour and empathy, and your chill yet no-nonsense personality; I love your talent and how articulated you are; I love your passion for Drarry, and how you let this emotion inform the way you navigate the fandom and create for it. And god, but you’ve been creating some of the most beautiful content I’ve seen in these recent years! I’m permanently in awe of your ability to write Drarry in any shape, format or length, transforming even the most ordinary moment into an extraordinary and meaningful piece of character or relationship development. You know how you mentioned yesterday that some authors change the way you feel about a ship in a deep, definitive way? Well, you are that author for me. Your works made me fall in love with M-rated contemplative romance, and also allowed me to fall in love with Harry in a way I never thought it was possible before.

Some people - myself included - got to know you through the fun and intriguing A Lick and a Promise, others through the atmospheric and sensitive Modern Love, others through your contemplative and heartbreaking short form. Each story has its merits and purpose, and all of them share a Tacky trademark: the heartkick factor! Your talent has no limits and goes across different genres and tropes, that you explore with a bold twist full of personality and heart. And even more impressive is your consistency at always raising the bar - every new fic of yours becomes an instant fave and makes me think “wow I thought Tacky couldn’t get better yet here we are”. Seeing how your writing evolves as you find your narrative voice is a beautiful and humbling experience, I feel so lucky!

I’m really grateful for being active in the fandom at this moment in time, because that allows me to read and engage with your brilliant work, and to have you as a dear friend. I can’t wait to see what comes out of your beautiful brain next. It was an impossible job choosing a single fic to rec today, so I decided to do a belated Tacky reclist! Naturally these are my personal and biased must-reads, and I urge everyone to go check these beauties right now. Feel free to include your own favorites too, and don’t forget to leave them some appreciation.

Happy happy birthday my darling Tacky! This fandom life wouldn’t be the same without you. I hope you have the amazing day you deserve!

Between the Power Lines (2020, M, 3.2k)

The road trip fic you didn’t know you needed. I got utterly immersed in the heartbreaking quietness of this, feeling like a witness to an ordinary yet poignant love story. Such tender intimacy, such character development, such lovely American aesthetics with barely any dialogue. This is, IMO, the fic that reveals Tacky’s triumph in storytelling.

Even the Night (2020, M, 3.4k)

This fic has a surreal atmosphere, those Midsummer vibes unbelievably sexy and intoxicating linked to the sensorial experience of fumbling together in the night. Masterclass in tension building, a silky and languid dream-like affair.

Aim for my Heart (2021, M, 3.4k) - Harry/Draco/Ron

One of the most sensitive and stunning portraits I’ve ever seen of a poly/triad relationship, this fic packs so much character and longing! It’s a privilege to watch Ron and Draco’s tentative dynamics through the smitten eyes of the one person that loves them like no one else: Harry.

The Long Fall (2021, M, 3.6k)

I can’t even write about this tender domesticity without getting a lump in my throat. Best opening scene I’ve read in years, and a refreshing way to approach both mpreg and parenthood, painfully honest and lovely. This became an immediate comfort read for me, and it’s probably one of the fics I revisit the most.

Mortal Frame (2021, M, 6.6k)

This thrilling, fast-paced spy story left me breathless since the first paragraph, gods what an immersive ride! I’m so here for Drarry on the run, sharp and urgent with danger but mellowed by the silent trust and tender intimacy only Tacky can master. Major bonus points for the brilliant take on the Horcrux hunt plot line!

Last Offices (2020, M, 6.7k)

Oh, this fic 💔 I tend to avoid MCD but there’s something so deeply fascinating about body washing rituals that I caught myself mesmerized by this. I just couldn’t put it down, so emotionally compromised I felt. There’s a sort of strange comfort in the heartbreak of doing one last act of service out of devotion to someone. This fic inspired so many difficult but lovely feelings in me, and one of them was hope. Only Tacky could possibly achieve that!

Our Little Life (2020, M, 7.2k)

Inventive and singular, this story hit me straight on the solar plexus and left me speechless as I saw the (clever, magical and bittersweet) plot unravel. Such a fabulous take on alternate universes and all the angst potential behind it. Come and bask in the yearning melancholia of a short yet intricate and perfectly executed plot.

And One to Play (2019, E, 21k)

What a fun and delightful fic, I can’t have enough of pining Harry losing all sense of propriety when faced with a hot, competent and pragmatic Draco. This has fab dynamics, unhinged protectiveness, even more unhinged attraction between two idiots who can’t keep their hands off each other. A must-read for any Auror partners fan!

A Lick and a Promise (2019, E, 55k)

Hot, BAMF Professors carefully balancing a fuck buddies situation while solving a Hogwarts mystery, do we need anything else? I certainly do not. This fic is so fun and intriguing and immersive, with amazing supportive cast and a delicious get together feat secret shagging and oblivious pining. Love it!

Modern Love (2020, E, 61k)

My favorite read of 2020, this fic is a love letter to Drarry and will always hold a piece of my soul. Sensitive, wistful, tenderly aching and so very romantic, this is a Muggle Draco triumph with a superb Harry, exquisite slow burn and a side of suds comfort. I promise it will be impossible to listen to Bowie again without thinking of this love story.

Bonus: five stunning drabbles!

Something in the Way (2021, T, 119 words)

“Up,” he said, and Draco, sick with love, raised his arms above his head and allowed Potter to slide the jumper on him, big hands stroking it flat over Draco’s stomach until they both shivered.

Stir-Up Sunday (2020, M, 300 words)

“I want you always,” he said, tugging again on the fine curling length of it. “Is it okay to say that?”

Whalebone Arch (2021, M, 722 words)

“Are you still not talking to me?” Draco steered Harry towards the crisps. “Do I have to suck you off in the loo to cheer you up?”

Semiplume (2021, T, 923 words)

“Did you know,” Harry murmured, and he put his arms around Draco, fearless. “I’d be your mate. If you needed a mate, I mean.”

Relic Radiation (2021, M, 927 words)

“You’ll kill me,” Harry said, and Draco turned his face towards the darkened sky, lunar pale, his profile some stupid unearthly thing—a flaring blazar, a supernova—in the light from the kitchen window.

#drarry fic rec #Drarry reclist #happy birthday Tacky! #fave

[parismystere]

i also think another important thing about the 'what is salt' thing is that maybe, labeling something as salt or not-salt is about trust. when you make your name, even in social groups as silly as fandom places, people get the idea of the kind of person you are, what your biases are (we all have them!), if you have demonstrated that you can be engaged in a civil manner, if you are thoughtful, if you are a glass half full or a killjoy person, etc. if someone whose posts you like, respect and enjoy says that they dislike something in ml, you are much more likely to listen and take their opinion into consideration. their opinion shouldn't overrule yours - but if you like, you could even debate your points as long as you keep things nice.

as an example, i tend to greatly dislike the blogs whose sole reason for existence is to meticulously write down instances of wrongdoing towards a character, or just blogs who have been a meeting place for hatred of ml for years, when it's clear that it isn't people communicating their grievances, it's people hate-watching at best. i care less about their content than the principle of the thing - running a blog solely for hate-watchers is unhealthy and a waste of time; the cult aspect makes me want to scream; the distortion of the canon is annoying. so because i have the idea that these people are a little insane, i am not willing to take them seriously and therefore respect them enough to engage. and that is, really, the only group of people in the fandom i don't want to interact with, ever - not for their content, but for their approach.

a similar but inverted situation happens with people i am mutuals with, friends with, people who i have noticed to have good ideas and analyses, etc - because i have this idea of them being a genuinely nice and intelligent person whose ladyblogging i enjoy, even if they post something as #ml salt, i am definitely not going to label them as salty or a salter. for me these are the people whose unhappiness with the show is most valuable - because i know it comes from a place of thought and care, it isn't a superficial reaction, it isn't trolling, it isn't something that isn't rooted in an argument. that's why the kuro neko trailer drama hurt - i felt that some of the most thoughtful people on here couldn't express what they really think because everyone who had genuine reasons to be upset with the episode was dismissed as... being salty out of nowhere? if people had more trust instead of being hostile, if they took the time to familiarize themselves with the original posters, if people were more mature and spent time engaging with each other instead of drowning each other out - who knows?

and, really, i am begging you, can we allow people to just... react? because that has also somehow become forbidden. can we be allowed to be as unhinged as people too invested in a freaking cartoon should be if something new happens? can we not go policing each other?

my rule of thumb is: if someone i like seeing on my dash or has impressed me with their opinions, creations, contributions and so on, is being salty, whatever your interpretation of the word is, then they are probably rightfully mad about something, even if you don't feel the same way.

toxic positivity, forcing yourself to like things just because the canon has written them just so, worrying what it means if you dislike something in ml... i say this as kindly as possible, but this is something everyone should let go. don't allow others to dictate your opinions or to feel like you can't share what you think, as long as you are being respectful and coming from a place of genuineness.

#probably doesn't apply to people who really don't want to see anything less than ml sugar #but the problem there is something else i feel #miraculous ladybug

[ticklytums]

dynamic for the villain family!

(oh yee my time has come)

who has the cutest tickle laugh?

Hunter obviously, but young Philip had an incredibly precious one. Same as his brother. Philip’s laugh was just super bubbly and happy; a tragic contrast to everything he became. Kiki being a little boar like house spirit snorts a LOT when she really gets going.

what are their tickle spots?

Both Belos and Hunter are pretty much the same in terms of deadly spots, that being under their arms. Quickest way to prompt hysterics. They can both endure other spots for a short amount of time but will lose it when touched there instantly. But they’re both sensitive everywhere, it’s adorable.

Kiki’s worst spot is her feet (she really shouldn’t be shoeless). Her neck is quite sensitive too (hence it being covered).

who is ticklish in unusual places and where would that be?

I suppose Kiki since her ears are sensitive?

who gets cheer-up tickles?

Everybody really, this is a very sad family that’s been through a great deal of grief, all aware that soon they’ll be fragmented when Belos no longer remembers them. I’d say Belos and Hunter get it the most though. Belos tries to hide his grief unless it’s just him and Kiki, for Hunter’s sake. He tries not to let him know how bad things are getting.

Kiki is the attacker for the two of them mainly, the one who gives them cheer ups.

do either of them try to hide their ticklishness?

Belos has no hope of doing so because Kiki utterly just sells him out for a corn chip. Watching the great Emperor lose all composure is as amusing as you’d expect.

Hunter never really hides it and never could. He always loved playing that way with his family and it got rarer and rarer as time went on

Kiki is definitely the one that tries to hide it the most under that grouchy and rigid facade. She’s sold out easily by Belos though sadly for her and both him and Hunter happily crack her armor every chance they get.

who takes advantage of the other one getting their arms stuck while taking off their shirt?

Depends on if they’re alone, but given two of them wear a cape often it’s usually done via the cape—by one of them yanking it over the other’s face. Belos started that one with Hunter, forgetting that he has a much bigger cape that is harder to get off when stuck in it, let alone while laughing.

how did they discover each other’s ticklishness?

Philip was outed by his brother immediately in the past and he then made the little mora really annoyed one time when he insulted her hair…and learned the hard way that not hair as she got him screaming on the floor.

Hunter, well, it was probably early on in his childhood. Like really early on. You never really discover a baby is ticklish, you just tickle a baby and they laugh.

Kiki annoyed the two Wittebane brothers one day when she kept nagging them so Philip grabbed her easily in one arm.

who can’t take tickle bites/raspberries?

Hunter and Belos. If you ever heard two boys squeal so high only dogs can hear…

who has to be tickle-forced out of bed in the morning?

Hunter lmao he’s your typical kid that wants to sleep in and has a bad habit of getting tangled in his sheets, which makes things easier for everyone. Belos has too many duties to attend to normally to do so but on rare mornings when he gets to sleep in he….doesn’t lmao

who initiates tickle fights?

Oh it depends. With Belos it’s more of an ego thing. If he’s challenged to something he won’t back down. He also likes to be a jerk about it, doing things like using his magic to dangle his kid upside down or appear out of nowhere and snatch him. He’s more impersonal on his attacks and relies more on his magic to do it. Titan help them when he does use his gauntlets though.

Hunter is by far the one that starts most of them. He loves playing with his uncle and it gets more and more rare over the years until it stops completely.

Almost no one wants to start a tickle fight with Kiki because she gets utterly unhinged during tickle fights and she’d have both boys begging awfully quick.

Who gives up in tickle fights?

Hilariously most often Belos, especially if Kiki is involved. If it’s just him and Hunter he can normally win but Kiki has had centuries of practice and she knows how to get the old man to turn into a useless giggly puddle, especially if she uses the excruciating nerve enhancing spell from my fic here https://ticklytums.tumblr.com/post/657583059316703232/acts-of-treason)

who is in danger of getting hurt when attacking the other?

Anyone that’s stupid enough to touch Kiki’s feet. From kicking to her claws, watch your eyes!

who always provokes the other into tickling them and how?

Belos and Kiki sometimes make a game out of it when it’s just the two of them.  He’d deliberately go to her quarters to ‘criticize her performance’. The two had long since established that if he was actually angry with her she’d be summoned to the throne room, so Kiki knows it’s his prideful way of asking for a fight because he’s too embarrassed to be more direct. Philip would just jump at her in the past.

Hunter it doesn’t take much. He’s a gremlin child, there’s all sorts of things he’d do to earn it. Pranks to brattiness to just starting one first.

Kiki it’s more hilarious because she doesn’t intentionally ask for it, she just annoys them into it normally.

#this got long #toh tickle #the owl house tickle #the owl house tickling #I really could talk about the villain family for hours

[writing-in-april]

The 5 Stages of Grief

Stage one: Denial (1/5)

Spencer Reid x Gender Neutral Reader (Spencer POV)

Summary: Spencer going through each of the stages of grief after the death of the reader. Stage one is denial.

A/N: Hi guys this is my new series!! I’ve been working on this for like the past two months and I’m excited to start sharing it with y’all! This is based off of my own recent experiences with how I acted in my grief and this fic is just based on one model of how grief can present itself. This story is gonna be sad throughout and there’ll be a lot of trigger warnings as a heads up. This is also written different from my other works and is very sporadic at times because of Spencer’s mind set. There’s a lot of repetitive thoughts by Spencer so some sentences are repeated two to three times. And, there’s lots of rhetorical questions. I’m going to post a chapter once a week and sprinkle in other fics in between- other chapters are gonna be longer this is just the establishing chapter. Also let me know if you want the playlist I used while writing this- some Billie eilish references definitely are in here...And thanks to @zhuzhubii for helping me with the original idea and inspiring me (they write amazing angst). Requests are open and thanks for reading!

Warnings ⚠️: Reader death, Gunshot wound, Unreliable narrator, Spencer spiraling, Spencer getting violent, Unhinged Spencer, Talks of schizophrenic break

Main Masterlist | 5 Stages of Grief Masterlist

Word count: 1.2k

This was not happening. There was no way this was happening. This was just some sort of alternative reality or maybe a dream. Maybe I’m having a psychotic break- those were common with people who have early signs of schizophrenia right?

I wasn’t sure of anything in the few minutes that had passed since I had seen the light go out from their eyes. I was still cradling their body covered in blood, they had been shot by the unsub they had been pursuing down a back alley. I didn’t really care where the unsub had gone all my mind was focusing on was the fact that they wouldn’t wake up.

“No no no… You’re fine- stay with me! Please!”

I hadn’t even had the privilege of hearing their last words, they had closed their eyes before I had even pulled them to my lap. They still had words left in the brain that I admired, it didn’t matter that they hadn’t said anything, that they didn’t get their ‘last words’ because they would awaken again. I had to believe that.

My breathing was heavy and shaky as I laid them down on the ground to start CPR. It was the only way they were going to survive the trip to the hospital once the rest of the team got here. I wonder if they could have understood the situation with how distraught I sounded on the phone. When I started the chest compressions my hands wouldn’t stop trembling, I could barely keep the compressions at a steady pace. My mental metronome was fracturing as I started to become more frightened for the love of my life.

“Fight, please! Don’t give up!”

I felt their ribs cracking as I tried to continue my steady pace of the CPR despite my alarm. I looked for a pulse, there was a faint fluttering heart beat. Right? Yes, there was a heartbeat, I was sure of it. My ears rang like there were church bells in my ears which were soon joined by faint sirens I could hear barely in the distance as I begged for them to stay with me. I wanted to tell them that it was gonna be alright and remind them of less painful times, but the only things I could manage to say in my distressing state were pleas.

A sharp cry of No! that sounded like it was my voice rang out in the air when I started to feel myself being pulled away by a set of hands. When the hands still refused to budge I fought hard, seeing only red. I thought it was the unsub coming back to finish me off. Another set of hands joined the original pair to try and haul me away from the one I loved. Did the unsub have a partner? How could we have missed that? I had to get back to them, what if they hurt them more? What if they killed them?

“Spencer! It’s me! It’s Morgan!” The words shouted at me by someone that sounded like Morgan seemed so far away. It felt like my head was underwater, drowning in the panic and sorrow that was filling up my lungs. Everything else fell away as unimportant with only one goal in my mind crawling to the forefront.

I had to help them.

“SPENCER!” A female voice shouted hoarsely, which made me focus somewhat. Why were they yelling at me? Why weren’t they helping them? I wasn’t the one that needed help.

My eyes unblurred as I forced my rage to dissipate slightly in an attempt to figure out what was going on, the figures of Morgan and Emily then became recognizable to me. I registered that it was actually their hands on me. Both of them were in defensive positions and Emily looked frightened of me? Why would she be frightened of me? Why weren’t they helping them?

I still wasn’t confident that this wasn’t some elaborate alternate reality concocted by my subconscious. There was no reason for Emily to be afraid of me, we were colleagues and more importantly friends. All I was trying to do was help and I seemed to be the only one who cared enough to help my injured partner.

But, I realized there was in fact a reason for Emily to be scared of me. She was trying to prevent me from helping the most important person in my life, who was bleeding out on the pavement, close to death. And, the whole team knew I would fight like hell to protect them, she’s lucky I didn’t fight her and Morgan off more. They were lucky they’d only get a possible faint bruise from my thrashing, rather than what I really wanted to do to them in retaliation for preventing me from helping them.

Though, I had now realized that the hands tugging me away from their hurt body did not in fact belong to two unsubs, I started to try and fight them off again.The paramedics would need to know their medical history- especially their blood type.

I had to help them. Why weren’t they helping them?

A soft voice filled with sorrow then joined the rest that I knew belonged to JJ, “Spencer, I know you want to help, but the paramedics are the best thing for them. I already gave them their medical history.”

My body relaxed some at JJ’s words, glad that the paramedics now had the proper tools to help them. However, my mind was still racing, analyzing everything that had happened so far at a rapid pace. My mind then fixated on JJ’s tone of voice- Why did it sound so resigned? Why did she sound like she was resigned to the fact that there was nothing the paramedics could feasibly do? I may not have been in the best mental state, but I could still read the underlying meaning in her voice.

No they couldn’t be gone.

I had to help them.

Why was nobody helping them?

One of the paramedics moved forward to check their pulse as was routine and I breathed a sigh of relief. Finally, someone was helping them. My hope was dashed when I saw them shake their head to their colleague, panic rose even higher within me. I was sure I was going to drown to death soon myself, all breath had completely left my body at this point.

They couldn’t be gone, I refused to believe that.

I couldn’t believe it.

I couldn’t be left alone again. When I first met them they helped me from plunging into darkness, they had pulled me from the edges of the abyss. I would be weaker than ever before if they left me, I don’t think I could survive it. My mind begged for them to fight, maybe my reasons were selfish, but the water was going to drown me soon.

As I saw the bag zipped up that held their body my blood ran cold when reality hit me hard. Morgan and Emily both had to hold me back again from racing back over to their body that was being put into the coroner’s van. I screamed in desperation, begging and pleading for them to not give up, that there must be something that they could do. But, the cold harsh reality hung over me like a dark cloud that rained over my head, fully submerging me underwater.

There was no denying it anymore.

They were gone.

—-

Tag list (message me if you want to be added):

All works:

@shotarosleftpinky @oreogutz

Spencer Reid/CM:

@calm-and-doctor @destiny-tsukino @safertokiss

5 stages of grief series:

@joonie-centric @tatesimper @half-blood-dork

#spencer reid #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid angst #spencer reid fanfic #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds #matthew gray gubler #matthew gray gubler x reader #5 stages of grief series #5 stages of grief

[sunflowerheartsandstarryskies]

My Golden Curse - Maxwell Lord x Fem!Reader

Author’s Note: Hello again, I may have stumbled upon the Pedro Pascal fandom and I can’t get out, and I saw someone posted that they wanted an imagine with Maxwell Lord and the reader in which one of them gets kidnapped and the other just goes ballistic, and I basically kept getting that idea stuck in my head, this was only supposed to be a drabble but oh well. This depiction of Maxwell Lord is closer to the DC Comics version of him and not the movie but it has Pascal’s Lord’s likeness, so it’s like a combination of the two.

Also, I have survived my finals and had taken a break from writing for a while but I’m back and I have some ideas for my Lucifer multi-chapter fic as well. I also have an idea for a John Wick fic but I have no idea if anyone wants to read that.

Warnings: Typical comic-book violence, cursing (like two curse words), blood mentioned, kidnapping, bruises and injuries (like ribs breaking, a concussion, and a few lacerations

______________________________________________________________

Maxwell Lord IV prided himself on presentation. Everything had to be pristine and everything, even the garbage can by his desk had to be impeccable, because his business and himself in general, are put out on display for the public. He is a figurehead and a showman, so when you came along to be his assistant and secretary he was at first apprehensive because you didn’t dress as provocatively as he may have like and you didn’t look as model-esque as his other secretaries in the past. You didn’t apply to Chimtech to be fucked by your boss, you were good at your job and you aspire to show off your skills.

However, time went on when you first started to work for Maxwell Lord and you did a phenomenal job, whenever he was in a meeting you would always make sure to listen and take notes of what he needed while he was in the meeting. Whenever he requested for you to fax an item you would’ve made sure to have done it five minutes prior. Maxwell had no idea how you could be so efficient at your job, but he damn well appreciates it even if he rarely ever mentions it to you.

It’s an odd relationship that you guys have worked yourself in, a friendly relationship it seems, but both of you are teetering on the edge of wanting more. There have been teasing nicknames, mostly from you, you had a plethora of nicknames that you would give him, ranging from “Sandy” to “Ken”, but “Golden boy” was your favorite.

You would never admit this to him or even to yourself but you actually liked his blonde locks. In certain lightings, when you look at him you swear he was Midas, covered in his own golden curse. It was breathtaking to watch him at some points, but you always try to cover up your flustered state.

You knew Maxwell well, some may say too well for a secretary, but you rarely saw the side of him that most of his competitors and fellow businessmen saw, and that was the merciless and ruthless side to his tactics on getting what he wanted. Everyone in the public eye saw him as just the “King of Infomercials” but there was a reason why and how he got that title in the first place. Who knew the infomercial world could be so cruel and hectic?

You were able to catch glimpses of Maxwell’s amazing abilities of persuasion and showmanship, he was able to get people to admit to what they want and get them to go out and seize, whether that was good or bad. There was a particular talent that you find out he has and it was his ability to drag out people’s hidden desires, there were times when the people he used this talent were a shock as the people around them when they admitted to what they really wanted.

He was a golden idol of his own creation; he had to be especially to the people around him. However, that golden facade can only keep him held up for so long when the people he handed gold to realize that it’s fool’s gold.

______________________________________________________________

It was earlier in the day, you just woke up and got dressed in your office attire with a cup of coffee in hand as you try to will yourself to get going. You looked up at your apartment’s clock and it was 7:00 am, you needed to get going if you were to make it to Chimtech in time.

As you stepped out of your apartment building you felt a gloved hand over your mouth and panic flooding your whole body, but before your body could even fully process a flight or fight response you felt a sharp pain in your neck and you passed out.

When you come to, your vision is blurred and you can’t understand where you are and your brain just has confusion filling your senses. Why can’t you process what is around you? What happened to you? After a couple of more seconds went by you felt a rope tightly woven around your wrists, and you comprehended that you were sitting on a floor. What happened to you?

“Ah, there’s the little doll’s eyes! I was wondering if you were beginning to ever wake up,” a voice filled your ears. You blinked furiously trying to get your eyes to focus and you found yourself face to face with a man, who was grinning at you like a shark finding the prey they smelled a mile away.

“I’m sure you understand why you’re here? I don’t need to monologue it to you, do I?” the man asks.

“Mr. Vince, right? You were in a meeting with my boss Maxwell Lord, a month ago, right?” you questioned him as the drug and weariness started to seep out of you, and you gained more awareness of your surroundings. The man, Mr. Vince was a part-owner of a tech company that Chimtech was interested in making an investment in, however from what you were aware of was that the true goal of the meetings with Vince and his company was to absorb it into Chimtech, forcing Vince and the other owners to give up their powers over to Maxwell Lord and the other board members of Chimtech.

“I see the drugs didn’t impair your memory, I assume you are aware that I am no longer a CEO? That I was tricked by your goddamned boss?! That he put me in a corner to give up my company over to him!” he screamed. He was half an inch from your face and you were terrified of this man, he was unhinged.

“What does this have to do with me, Mr.Vince?” you asked, forcing yourself to not push him over the edge.

“Ooooh this has everything to do with your boss, I remembered that you are his secretary, so you must know some secret of his, something I can leverage against him to make him give me my company back,” he said.

“Even if I have any sort of information to give you, the damage is already done, your company is done in, it’s already been processed into Chimtech, there is none of your company left.”

That was the wrong thing to say as you felt a kick to your stomach. You groaned and rolled onto your side, and before you could recover from that there was another swift kick that you felt go directly to your ribs.

______________________________________________________________

Minutes blended into hours of constant yelling from Vince to him pulling you off the ground to throwing you back down like you were a piece of litter to being his personal punching bag. It was all you could do to just protect yourself and persevere through the pain because you were just a secretary, you were never trained in self-defense, hell you never even did track in high school.

Through the pain, you felt complete distortion and a high pitch whining going through your head, and you finally realized it was a telephone- a landline. Where the hell did this guy get a landline in this beat-up place?

Then, you hear Vince say, “Oh you want to hear how (Y/N) is?” you hear footsteps coming towards you then cold plastic was pressed to your cheek then Vince continued loudly, “Well here she is, talk.”

“(Y/N)?” You heard Maxwell, your golden boy, say your name and all you can do was say his name back in a raspy voice.

“What did he do to you?” Maxwell asked.

Before you could say any more the phone was taken away from you and Vince’s voice filled your ears.

“Tick tock Maxwell, I want my money and you can get your fuck toy back.”

Then silence, a sickening silence filled the room which made you feel every ache and pain that has been put on your body has made itself known by increasing levels of agony. You didn’t even feel it in you to even try to correct Vince’s words about you. You just wanted to sleep and not wake up for a whole day, maybe if you laid perfectly still and just not move a muscle the pain would go away.

As you lay there you tearily open your eyes back up and you can hear the tinny sounds of the echoing footsteps of your captor pacing back and forth in the room you were held in. It was nauseating, and you were confused as you thought, When did you close your eyes? How long were you out?

Then you fell back into your head, and you felt like you were spiraling in your own mind mixed with dizziness and nausea. You just wanted this to end.

A male voice was shouting so close to you and you can feel the panic coming out of his voice, and you can tell it wasn’t Vince because why would he do that?

You felt yourself being lifted from the ground and all you could do was cough sporadically from the new movements on your injuries. It hurt, it hurt so bad.

“I know (Y/N), but you just need to keep going a little bit longer,” the same voice told you.

You couldn’t quite pinpoint where you heard that voice before but you thought it was your boss, Maxwell Lord, but it couldn’t be. That would be the last thought that went through your mind before you lost it to the void.

All you can see at first was just bright and it hurt so bad. When you turned your head you saw a flash of gold and your first thought was, ‘Maxwell’. When your eyes adjusted to the room around you it really was your boss, Maxwell Lord in the hospital with you. He was slumped down in a chair beside your bed and you saw there were roses in a vase on the table next to you.

“Gold-golden boy, hey,” you rasped out trying to wake him. You coughed and then groaned as you felt the lacerations and bandages around your torso.

You saw him stir in the chair and his eyes opened and landed on yours. “Hey boss,” you whispered cringing at your voice. Your hands clenched at the sheets around you as you saw him blink furiously and stood up fast. You flinched at the fast movement but he didn’t seem to notice, as he moved closer to you.

“I am sorry about what happened to you, I didn’t think that our clients would go so far as to do this to you. I can’t believe that bastard did all of this to you-”

“It’s okay, I mean it hurts like a bitch but you ended up finding me didn’t you? What happened to him anyway?” you cut him off.

“Ah well, I may have gotten violent with him before the law enforcement could get him,” he said twisting his hands around and that’s when you saw the scrapes on his knuckles.

“I don’t know if you were a white knight to me but you certainly are a golden devil for doing that,” you replied.

He huffed out a laugh at your reply and he opened his mouth to say something but got interrupted when a nurse arrived.

______________________________________________________________

After the nurse left, you found out you still have a concussion lingering still, three bruised ribs and lacerations across your whole torso and arms.

When he listened to the whole list of injuries that you had gotten in the three days that you were with Mr. Vince, he felt rage boil over him but he tried to keep calm as he remembered the battered state he left Vince in. At least he made him feel some of the pain that he made you go through, Maxwell was a very prideful man in how he acts so for him to act like that was completely out of character for him.

He must be looking worried because he noticed your furrowed brows and you glancing at him every so often.

“Did you want to say something?” he asked

“Well, I was gonna ask you a similar question because I think you were interrupted by the nurse. Also are you okay?”

Your question startled him and the mention of the interruption made him clear his throat and fidget with his suit to try to hide the blush that was threatening to come up to his face. Your inquisitive expression on your face was watching him.

“I’ve been thinking that if you would like to leave the company, I won’t force you to stay, especially with what happened this week,” he said.

Listening to him say this made you panic and as you tried to sit up, Maxwell came up to you quickly as he says, “What do you think you’re doing? You got to take it easy.”

As you are situated in your bed you went to reach for Maxwell’s hand as you say, “Why would I want to quit? I love my job and I love working with you even if at times I don’t seem like it. None of what happened to me was your fault, how could you have known that Vince would react to the merger the way that he did.”

Maxwell was startled by this, he never had anyone in his family nor his company is so willing to stay with him especially when they are given an out.

He bowed his head toward you and said, “If you keep saying things like that I might want to keep you by my side for a long time.”

You laughed as you replied, “If you let me I will, you are a weird but kind man-” you stopped yourself as a thought came to your head.

“How long have you been here? What about Chimtech?”

“Ah well if my secretary didn’t get kidnapped and injured I wouldn’t be here right now, but you made me worried and how can I do my best work without my best assistant around me?”

“Now you’re just flattering me”

“But it’s true”

“Hmmm if you say so, Sandy”

______________________________________________________________

Four days have gone by and you were finally released from the hospital to go back to your apartment. You tried to go back to work at Chimtech, but Maxwell found you were released and gave you the rest of the week off to recover. You would become the envy of the company at this rate with how well the boss has been treating you.

Now that you have been just lounging in your apartment watching TV movies, and eating takeout for meals it has given you time to properly understand what happened to you for the past two weeks.

The way your boss, Maxwell, has been treating you made you see a whole new side of him. At first, you thought of working for him as both a blessing and a curse. At first, it was hell on earth, you ran yourself ragged making sure everything was up to par with Maxwell’s standards but after the next three years working with the man you considered him a friend of sorts. Even though you always tried to make sure to never consider employers and colleagues be separate from your personal life but it’s hard to do that when all you have is your work life.

Ever since the kidnapping incident, Maxwell had visited you every day in the hospital he even gave you flowers on the last day of your hospital visit, it was a beautiful vase of sunflowers.

You didn’t realize how long you were sitting on your couch thinking about your boss when you heard a knock on your door. You looked at the clock near your tv and realized it was nearly midnight.

‘Who could come by to my apartment at this hour?’ you thought.

You got up carefully minding the bruises still littering your body, and you opened the door surprised to see Maxwell.

His hair was a bit disheveled and he didn’t have a suit jacket on showing off the suspenders he likes to wear. He looked quite cute seeing him like this.

“Come in, Mr. Lord. What brings you to my place this late at night?” you inquired.

He ran his hand through his hair as he entered your apartment and he turns to look at you as you closed the door.

He sighed as he said, “I don’t know how quite to put this without sounding terrible, but after what happened to you, I can’t stop thinking about you. You are the best woman-the best person I’ve known and for you to still want to work with me after everything that has happened.”

He looked like he was getting frustrated with himself, you were shocked because how could you have gotten the king of infomercials to be so frustrated with his own words?

You took a tentative step forward to him as you placed a hand on his arm.

“Sandy, what’s going on?”

He was silent for a moment before he looked into your eyes with a strong determination as he says, “You know more about me than my own mother does, and after all this time together I’ve grown to respect you more and more. When I saw you in that hospital I wanted to kill the bastard and send him to hell when I found you like that in the warehouse.”

“I-I don’t know what to say, Mr. Lord-”

“Call me Maxwell, none of your silly names, not boss, not my last name, just Maxwell”

You could tell he was earnest with this and sincere it took your breath away to see him like this. He was beautiful and it made your heart flutter when you realize what he might be trying to confess to you.

“Maxwell” you breathed out testing his name out. You said his name once before and that was when you had gotten kidnapped but now this is completely different, almost like a prayer. A prayer to this golden devil of yours.

He smiled when he heard you say his name and he let out a breath he didn’t know he was holding.

“I wish I could kiss all the scars away from your body so you never have to live with them again. I wish that I could be yours, fully and I want to be clear that I would never use you like I may have done to my secretaries in the past. I want to be yours, in any way you may want me.”

“Oh Maxwell, I think I might have to grant your wish this time,” you say blinking away tears that were threatening to spill as you were listening to his confession.

“(Y/N)” he whispered reverently.

He cradled your face with both hands as he studied your face to see any resistance than he gently placed his lips on yours.

You made a small gasp as you finally felt his lips on yours, you clutched onto his shirt as you pulled him closer to you. He tilted his head and pushed your chin up to meet in for a deeper kiss. It felt amazing and you felt loved.

When you parted you were chasing each other’s lips to crash back into each other as you kissed each other until you both need a break. Both of your lips were swollen and you looked at him with such love that when Maxwell saw, he almost wanted to take you then and there but he was mindful of how fragile this love could be.

Author’s Note: I might do a second part if people want it but whew this took a lot out of me, I hope you guys like it!

#maxwell lord x reader #pedro pascal x reader #Pedro Pascal #maxwell lord #imagines #x reader #wonder woman 1984 #max lord x reader

[hopeswriting]

I meant to do a post about my thoughts on the Daily Life Arc now that I finished rereading it, but I can't seem to find the time and it's been a while now, and if I keep it up I'll forget what my thoughts are to begin with lol, so here's the long story short:

I know it's a long arc, as in it starts being boring and more or less unbearable past some point, because the "gag of the chapter" format only takes you so far, and not actually very far if Amano's humor doesn't work on you much, if at all. I don't think it's an arc you can reread right away/soon either, lest you feel that one flaw even faster.

And I felt it too, starting with the fourty-something chapters I felt like it was dragging on too much, though to be fair that probably had to do too with the fact I knew things much more interesting were coming after that.

Still, all that said, like, it's an enjoyable arc. Amano's humor happens to work on me, and she does it really well, and I liked reading the arc. There are some chapters where you're really asking yourself why they were written for lol, but even then you read it for the characters, and it somehow keeps you going.

And like, even though I think Amano could have seen the fact the comedy was going to turn repetitive and thus boring at some point, and try to diversify it or something, it's just how comedy/humor/gags works? Some jokes land and some doesn't, but for me at least a lot more of them worked than not.

The DLA is a good enough arc is what I'm saying.

------

On than note and on the contrary, of course it's fine if you think it's a bad arc, to each their opinion, but personally I really don't agree it's an unnecessary one.

I'm saying this because apparently it's not uncommon to advice new fans to skip the arc and directly start with the Kokuyo one? (Or so I learned on TV Tropes anyway, this might or might not be still relevent/accurate.)

Now don't get me wrong, the DLA does fail to hook the readers to the story for the reasons stated above, I agree with that, but it literally introduces the main character? And all the other characters, and gets us to know them, and establishes the dynamics between them and why they're the way they are, and, though only in a more or less superficial manner (and more than less) by design of the arc's purpose (not being deep in any way lol), it still gives us an insight into the characters and why they're the way they are. A glimpse into the core of their personality, the "stakes" of their characters, the flaws they have to overcome.

And all that in the context of their daily life, so if you skip it to go directly to the arc that challenges them, you can't appreciate fully how they rise to the challenge, how it shows their growth or reasserts their core values. You can't know how much or what it means, for example, off the top of my head, to have Yamamoto sacrifice his arm to beat Ken, when only a year ago he tried to kill himself over his broken arm. Or Hibari losing against Mukuro, thus telling us how much of a real threat he was. Or Tsuna screaming at Lancia for having hurt his friends, anger on his face, clearly despite himself, that Dame-Tsuna.

All these just wouldn't hit you the same, and it'd be such a shame? I mean I guess the ones who start with the Kokuyo arc go back to read the DLA, or you could compromise like the anime did by splitting the DLA between more serious arcs, but like I said I personally don't find the DLA that bad, so I still wouldn't advice it lol.

Even if, I suppose, it'd mean they might give up on the manga somewhere through the DLA, but like? Some mangas just don't speak to you, and that's fine, and it'd be a little of a shame from my POV as a KHR fan, but still, no big deal.

------

I'm still very impressed with how smoothly Amano went from a gag manga to a shonen one, and how she made it so the DLA still fits with the rest. I mean the sudden change in tone/stakes/etc is jarring, sure, but it's all based on stuff she introduced in the DLA, which she presumably came up with with no intention to ever make it something deeper/more meaningful.

It's easy to believe the foreshadowing, and generally speaking the worldbuilding was planned all along, which, again, probably not, and like? Super impressive.

(Though once more don't get me wrong, there are inconsistencies/plot holes in Amano's plotlines and worldbuilding, but not, like, at their seams, if I can say it like that? It's more often in the details, and it's fairly easy to fill in the blanks ourselves.)

------

Finally it was a lot of fun to rediscover the characters in a new light, and a bit of a disbelieving surprise tbh.

For context before I started my reread of the manga, all this time I was going with the time I read/watched it years ago plus the times I skimmed it, but mostly by all the fanon I was consuming. And it's not to say fanon is wrong per se, but it latched on one to three character's traits, or slapped an easy character archetype on them easy to "relate" to within, and apparently never looked back lol. And also often dialed up those traits (good or bad) in a very noticeable manner.

What I'm saying is, fanon is, in fact, wrong sometimes zldnslsz, and the characters are much more nuanced even in the DLA! (Which still leaves us at a more or less superficial level, because, you know lol, but still!)

------

To name the ones that stood out to me the most:

Nana isn't abused by Iemitsu, nor is she unhappy in her marriage despite Iemitsu being an absent husband (which is not relevent in the context of the DLA, but still, you can tell). She isn't an abusive mother to Tsuna either, and she is literally never an airhead. She literally just isn't, she actually does react very normally to the crazy Reborn brings with him, but much like Yamamoto as long as no one gets hurt (or walks it off), she just brushes it off.

And she has friends she goes listen to piano recitals with, and tries to save on money by eating rests, and gets in two-way arguments with Tsuna, and raises his allowance if he gets better grades to push him to work harder, and all around is just your average mom that really didn't read as just The Mom, if you know what I mean.

She has her flaws, definitely, she's not a great mom, namely is apparently used to call Tsuna Dame-Tsuna, but she's not just that.

She takes care of him, worries over him, and seems to be the only one who hasn't given up on him yet when the story starts. She supports him (though sometimes in a tactless to hurtful way), praises him when he does well, and trusts him to watch over the kids.

She's not that bad is what I'm saying, and 100% redeemable (that is, if you think she needs to be redeemed to begin with, which I actually do think she does, calling Tsuna Dame of all things is just a really shitty thing to do.)

(Though it's interesting to note that she doesn't do it again after what happened with Kyoko iirc, even if she might very well still talk to him in a belittling way at times. I just wish Amano would have commit fully to acknowledge it and resolve it, what with already having made it Kyoko's Dying Will Regret.)

(Edit: I had forgotten but she literally forgets his birthday while preparing someone else's birthday, so I take back that she is 100% redeemable because it's being too nice. But my point still stands.)

------

Haru is literally such a fun character, it makes me even more sad now to know what Amano did with her (nothing ansknslq 😭😂).

She's unhinged, has zero impulse control, does not reflect on the consequences of her lack of impulse control as Tsuna points it out, is ready and willing to throw hands at any given moment and is unapologetic of it, and is the one Amano actually calls an airhead.

The only problem she had with the mafia is that she thought Tsuna was forcing it on Reborn, and when she confirmed it was all true she literally didn't even blink at it, and immediately called herself the future Decimo's wife djosdkkd.

On that note she is literally mafia right from her first appearance, is more or less involved in almost all the mafia shenanigans, was right there with Tsuna & Co when they went to destroy the Tomaso's headquarters.

And like?? Amano could just have left it at that if she wasn't going to do anything else/more with it. Haru had so much potential, and not only Amano did nothing with it, she actually watered her down and took away all her distinct character's traits 😭.

------

Hibari is so much more feral and playful than his fanon cool, overpowered, quiet badass counterpart. Which I love too, don't get me wrong, but these two sides of him don't have to be exclusive!

He talks and smiles and jokes often, and shows off and casually insults you, and licks the blood away from his lips after having beaten bloody other middle schoolers who dared to defy him (I know this happens in the Kokuyo arc, but it illustrates my point the best).

Not much more to add than that, we should just acknowledge that and put it in our works more often.

------

Gokudera is a compelling character from the get go, and as far as the DLA goes, he's the most compelling character second to Tsuna. He's the only one to actually have flashbacks and a backstory. And what stood out to me the most that I don't see often in fanon, is that he's really a good friend.

Yes he has a short fuse and snaps easily and is easy to anger, but he's not always angry. And is seen having and being capable of positive exchanges outside of Tsuna (I'm thinking Yamamoto namely, who's made with Ryohei to be the one he gets angry with the most).

And yes he holds Tsuna on a pedestal and sees him through heavily tinted pink glasses, but even through that he's earnestly a good friend. And tries his best, and is hardworking and overachieving, so much so he messes up without meaning to, but he only ever has honest, straight-forward good intentions behind it all (well, maybe not always lol).

I love him a lot more now is what I'm saying.

------

And Tsuna. I'm not sure I'll be able to articulate my thoughts properly, but like... he's just your average teenager. Which of course is his whole thing, and I'm saying it in a very not judgy way whatsoever, but he's often made to be at least a little more than that, namely about his bullying.

Like, it's kind of dramatised in fics? And I'm not going to elaborate on that more because it might come out wrong and I don't want that, but it's just, like—canonically he is just bullied, simple as that. Like many other teenagers are.

And it's all in a "chill" way (for unfortunate lack of a better word, I don't mean to trivialize bullying at all, it's wrong and unfair and never deserved or okay, just so we're clear), and by the time the story starts Tsuna is used to it and has given up fighting against it, and actually finds refuge and a twisted comfort in embracing his Dame-Tsuna's monicker, because at least he's not gonna hit rock bottom deeper than that if he does.

And I'm not actually going anywhere with this, it's just? It hit me how differently canon and fanon portray his bullying.

Back on the note of him being a (below) average teenager, Tsuna is not an uwu pure cinnamon roll too good for this world.

He's literally so quick to judge and criticise, whether in his head or out loud when he knows more the person (namely Haru lol, poor girl), it was actually a bit of a shock tbh lol. He snaps easily, and is lazy, does not want to try even one bit, and is happy to run away from his responsibilities whenever he can.

And not only I'm not saying that in a judgy way this time either, but I'm actually saying it in a good way. He really felt like your average middle schooler, and it was so refreshing to see. That, plus the fact the narrative never holds it against him, let alone punishes him for it even if he's made to grow out of these traits, and it's literally part of his character arc, is kind of unique for the shonen genre (maybe, I'm not exactly a specialist of shonen mangas lol).

And I can see why you'd want to change it in fics, but personally I think it really makes his character's arc even more meaningful.

#katekyo hitman reborn #khr #khr text post #daily life arc #i said long story short but this is actually the long story 😭 #lile a lot of things i just really need to start to keep going uh sbdlsnks #if the read more doesn't work i'll add it on desktop as soon as i get my hands on a computer #in the meantime sorry about that #khr reread

[therenlover]

Gimme Swayze (Part 4.5 of Till Forever Falls Apart, A Peter Maximoff/Reader Series)

Synopsis: Now that the issue of Y/N leaving is out of the way, and Peter has finally kissed her, he falls into the motions of learning how to love someone for the first time. It’s easier than he thought it would be.

Tags: Fluff, Dancing, Gratuitous Dirty Dancing References, Love Confessions, Insecure!Reader, Minor Hurt/Comfort

Rating: T

Warnings: Mild Language

Word Count: 2600~

This has been cross posted as the first chapter of the fic Cry To Me on my Ao3!

--------

“Dance with me, Peter?”

Y/N stood in the middle of the floor holding her hand out to him, hair mussed and wild with cheeks still streaked from tears shed earlier in the night. There, in the lamplight, she looked ethereal. Peter could imagine her as she was then in some grand Viennese ballroom. Every man, woman, and child would want to be seen on her arm, fully disregarding her casual clothes and the unhinged fire in her eyes, but she was choosing him. Something in his heart told him she always would.

With a smile and a groan, he pushed up off the creaky old plush couch and stretched his arms. “Are you gonna put on some music or are we gonna have to make our own?”

Peter didn’t miss the way Y/N’s breath hitched as she rushed over to the record player near the window. Her fingers skimmed over the knee-high stack of records at the base of the machine, searching through for something specific. After a moment she let out a small victorious noise. She pulled out the item she was looking for, a plastic-wrapped vinyl sheath, before holding it out towards Peter with a grin. Outside, the rain had slowed to a gentle pitter-patter on the concrete.

The paper cover was plain white, but it had a large title scrawled across the front in black magic marker: Y/N’s Ultimate Romance Mixtape.

“You put a mixtape… on a record? How much did this thing cost you?” Peter asked, walking to Y/N’s side to give the vinyl a closer look.

“Not just any mixtape,” she groaned, motioning for him to flip it over, “Our mixtape!” There on the back of the record, just as she promised, was a tracklist. Upon first viewing, by any average person, it would look pretty normal. To Peter, though, it was like looking down at a list of the top hits of his life. Time In A Bottle, Strange Magic, Born to Run, Sweet Dreams ...

“How did you-”

“I just started finding the songs I saw you listening to more than once, one day,” Y/N replied. She was staring at the floor again, wringing her hands. Was she… embarrassed? “I know it’s kinda weird and creepy… okay, it’s really weird and creepy, but I didn’t have anything else to do. It was just me in the Paris apartment back then and I still technically wasn’t a real person in the eyes of the government so I couldn’t work. What I’m trying to say is it was a nice way to pass the time, waiting for the newest song on the list to release, sitting patiently in the record shops hoping to hear a snippet of a melody I heard you humming along to in a vision...”

As she spoke, Y/N’s eyes seemed to glaze over. By the time her stream of consciousness had turned into less of a pour and more of a drip she looked halfway caught between the world and a dream. Peter could only imagine that when you’d lived as long as she had sometimes the past could seem like a dream. He’d been around for about 31 years, 67 if you included the years he lost between dimensions, and even he found himself looking back on parts of his childhood as if they were someone else’s. What would it be like in 10 more years? 20? 30? 100 didn’t even seem plausible.

Peter was only snapped from his internal monologue when Y/N snatched the record out of his hands and held it to her chest protectively. Her dreamy look was gone, replaced with one much more defensive.

“What?”

“If you’re just gonna gawk at it, I’m not gonna show you,” she said, carefully setting the record down on top of the closed player before turning her attention back to Peter, “I know it’s a little odd-”

“It’s cute!” Peter was quick to respond. He held up his hands, giving a small gesture of goodwill, before moving in to wrap her in his arms. She accepted, however stiffly. “Really, babe, it’s cute! I promise,”

With what seemed like a great amount of effort, Y/N relaxed into his touch. “Sorry, sorry, I’m just a little nervous… I’ve never done this before,”

“Oh, come on,” Peter’s mouth was almost against her skin now. His hot breath tickled the sensitive curve of her ear as he rocked their bodies back and forth on the balls of his feet, half calming and half comedic. “You don’t have to be nervous, Y/N. It’s just me,”

“That’s the problem!” Y/N was floundering in earnest now, her little heart pounding hard enough that Peter could feel it against his own chest. “With other guys it was easy! I knew they weren’t the end goal, and I knew… well, I thought they’d die long before you ever came into the picture, but now you’re here, and you’re you, and I’m so fucking terrified of messing everything up,”

Peter moved his hands to loosely grip her arms, rubbing calming circles into her flesh. “Babe, newsflash, I really like you. Like, stupidly like you. Head-over-heels type shit,” he paused to laugh, “and hey, I’m not the one who sees the future or anything, but I don’t see this going bad anytime soon. So take a deep breath, put on our mixtape, and just… let go,”

Y/N let her eyes find Peter’s, peering up through heavy lashes. “What if I fall?”

He kissed her softly on the forehead before he answered, “Baby, I have super speed. You can’t fall faster than I can catch you,”

The softest of smiles graced Y/N’s face before she pulled away, turning back to the record player and grabbing the record off the top as she opened it. She paused for a second, pensive, and Peter thought he might have to bolster her again before she turned back to him.

“Side A or Side B?”

Peter shrugged. “Whatever side you like the most,”

“Side B it is…” she smirked as she set the record on the table and got it spinning, dropping the needle gently onto the edge of the vinyl with a practiced hand, “That’s my side,” Under the sounds of the gentle rain and the city, the opening notes to a song halfway familiar began to ring out through the old bones of the apartment. The ancient wood seemed to creak its own melody under Y/N’s feet while she started to sway. Peter tried to follow along as best he could.

“I hope you know I can’t dance,” He mumbled, swinging his hips to and fro as Y/N giggled at him.

“Oh, I know,”

“Then why did you ask me to?”

“Just because you’re bad at dancing doesn’t mean I don’t wanna dance with you,”

“That’s so cheeeeesy, Y/N!”

She threw her head back as she shimmed into Peter’s arms across the floor. “And you love it,”

When she was finally in his arms again, they swayed loosely to the tune. There was no real rhythm to it, all clumsy feet and breathless laughter as they bumped their way through Y/N’s greatest hits, but it came from the heart. There were no doomsday clocks ticking in the background, no expectations of what to was to come. It was just the music around them and the rain in the street and the jerky unnatural movements of Peter Maximoff doing his best to internalize the beat as The Mamas and the Papas slowly drifted into Solomon Burke. Y/N hummed thoughtfully, pulling away from Peter’s arms as it began, bringing her arms up above her head as she shook her hips. Peter just groaned.

“You actually put the song from Dirty Dancing on the mixtape?”

Y/N didn’t respond, instead bopping her head along with the beat.

“I can’t believe it. You’re not even gonna answer me,”

She gave a wink and continued on.

“Really? The silent treatment?”

“I’m not saying another word until you embrace the Swayze, Peter,”

He pinched the bridge of his nose, took a deep inhale, and then stared daggers into Y/N’s eyes as he shrugged his shoulders. “You want Swayze, baby? You really want Swayze?”

“Oh, I wanna see some Swayze, Peter,”

“How’s this for Swayze?”

With a burst of superhuman speed, Peter raced across the floor, snatched Y/N up by her midriff, and lifted her above his head, delighting in her giggles and shrieks while he spun her. He may not have been the best dancer or the best mover, but Peter was good at a few things; things like utilizing his surprising strength and speed.

He kept Y/N aloft for a moment before gently returning her to the floor. There she stood, slightly dazed, as she got her bearings back, gripping the sleeve of Peter’s t-shirt for balance. To put it simply she was a giggling mess.

Peter loved watching her like this, carefree and loose, unbound from the tethers of trauma and time for a few brief moments. It made his heart soar higher to know that he made her like this. He was the one who threatened to toss her in with the seals at Central Park, which made her laugh so hard she almost yakked up her hotdog. It was him who sat with her on the couch throwing popcorn at the fuzzy TV screen whenever she suddenly froze up at the sound of a scream, distracting her enough that she could enjoy the movie till the end. His hands were the ones she grabbed whenever she saw a cute dog on the street and wanted to get close fast enough to pet it. He was a part of her joy, a minuscule blip on her radar making waves in her life for the better. Peter didn’t know if there was anything else he wanted to be in life that could mean more than that.

When Y/N finally got her giggles under control, she looked up at him with wet eyes and whispered. “That was pretty Swayze, babe,”

The second it left her lips she was in stitches again, her knees buckling as she collapsed to the floor, whole body wracked with her laughter. Peter joined her this time, settling himself down by her side and allowing the hysteria to wash over him like a pleasant wave. Once all was said and done, he and Y/N laid shoulder to shoulder on the antique sitting-room rug, staring up at the ceiling with wide eyes and soft smiles. The record, all spun out, sat forgotten on the turntable.

“I know I’ve told you this already,” Y/N said, eyes glued to the rotating fan above her, “but I love you, Peter. I love you and I love who I am when I’m with you. You don’t have to say it back, I mean, I know this has all been ridiculously fast, but… I dunno. Even without the whole fated to cross paths thing, I think I’d love you now anyways, you know?” She bit her bottom lip, groaning, “Sorry, sorry, I know things are moving way too quick-”

Peter shushed her gently, rolling onto his side to look her in the eye. “Babe, you’re talking to the fastest man alive. Quick is literally in my name. Don’t worry about it,”

“Yeah. I guess it is, huh?”

“And for the record,” he took a deep breath, steeling himself, “I love you too, Y/N. I have for a while now. It has to have been since… well all the way back when Dr. Strange had me tied up at your work. I was so sure that I had screwed everything up with you, that you were gonna let him drag me to superhero prison and wash your hands of me, but you didn’t. You came in there guns blazing, even when you knew I had fucked up big time and accidentally tried to steal some real spooky shit, and from that second on I never once felt like you would ever be willing to get rid of me just because I’m annoying,”

She nudged him with her shoulder. Not hard, just enough to jostle him. “You’re not annoying,”

“Have you met me? Annoying is literally my middle name,”

“No,” Y/N’s voice got soft, “No, your middle name is Django. Your favorite color is blue, but specifically bright teal-ish blue like the blue moon ice cream your mom used to buy you on vacation back when you were a little kid. You can’t dance but you have surprisingly good rhythm, and even if you’re not proud of your voice you should be because if you weren’t the world’s fastest man you could be touring as a singer with your guitar. You always sleep on the right side of the bed, your favorite season is the weird limbo between summer and fall, you can’t stand the James Bond movies, and if anybody asked you’d say your favorite food is Twinkies but it’s not. Your favorite food is pierogies, specifically the cheese and potato kind from Nana Dudek’s in Polish town because they remind you of your Nana the few times you remember going to see her. All of that is true, and so is the fact that you love me,”

She went quiet, eyes watching the blades of the ceiling fan in their lazy rotations. Slowly, she reached out her hand, interlocking her pinkie with Peter’s own without even having to look down and find it.

“I don’t know what I’m supposed to say to that,” Peter whispered.

Y/N let a huff of air out of her nose, a silent laugh at a joke only she knew.

“You’re not supposed to say anything. I just wanted you to know,”

“Know what?”

“Know that even if you can never build up the courage to tell me you love me again, I’ll be just fine, because I know, and you know, and that’s all that matters,”

Something in Peter’s heart, however small, shattered at just how vulnerable Y/N sounded.

Both of them were jaded in their own ways. They had seen bloodshed and torment and the roots of human suffering. It wasn’t always as simple as saying ‘I love you’. Sometimes the world left you a broken pulp with little faith and saying three little magic words just wasn’t possible. There’s no place for love in the heart of a person at war, nor is there any guarantee that they’ll ever be able to express that forbidden weakness again. It’s a commodity, like hope, that came in rare supply to people like Peter and Y/N. That being said, in the safety and warmth of the sitting room with the cozy couch and the antique rug and the ceiling fan and the record player, neither of them were at war, and Peter would be a damn fool if he didn’t take advantage of that.

He rolled onto his side once again, waiting there in silence until Y/N rolled onto her side to greet him, and then, with all of the feelings he had hidden in his heart since the moment he ran at top speed for the first time he kissed her.

Without hesitation, she kissed him back.

-------

a/n: Sorry this took so long to get out! It’s short, but I wanted it to be long enough to be it’s own mini chapter, so our minor friends can enjoy the sweetness without having to lose any of the story in the spicy bit. That being said, the spicy bit comes next lol. My shift bar is being fussy, and I need to sleep, so I’m signing off for the night, but thank you for reading! If you enjoyed, let me know!

Please do not post my work to any other sites, thank you ! <3

#peter maximoff #peter maximoff x reader #fanfiction #quicksilver #quicksilver x reader #marvel fanfiction

[spidermanifested]

remember when i said in my post about how bido is unappreciated that id talk about why greed/bido is a good and important ship but thats a whole other post. well This is that post

the first and most important reason that greed/bido is a good ship is very simple and that reason is Bido Was In Love With Greed The Whole Time And Nobody Noticed?????? how come nobody noticed. i mean SOME people noticed but nowhere NEAR enough people noticed

when greed compliments bido for successfully proving that alphonse is just a soul bound to a suit of armor, he blushes and acts very flustered and happy. unfortunately this scene is not animated in either show (bido talking to greed is changed to be over the phone in 03, and in brotherhood the scene just gets skipped, HOWEVER theres a single shot of bidos face in one of greeds flashbacks that shows him blushing and looking directly at the camera. ie at greed)

also in the manga his first thought when the military shut down the nest was to worry about whether greed SPECIFICALLY was okay (i used this page in my other post as well but its important)

and in brotherhood he was shown to have actually followed greed through the sewers during his fight with bradley but could only watch from his hiding place as greed was defeated and taken away; remembering this is what gives him the determination to hitch a ride to central to look for him

did i mention he went all the way to central to find him!!! clinging to a MILITARY TRUCK no less. as a very obvious chimera if he had been found by any of those soldiers it would have been horrible for him and every other time we ever saw bido faced with danger he ran away from it. but he was brave For Greed. he went into the labyrinth under central For Greed, and didnt try to escape until he was convinced greed wasnt there. and when it turned out he WAS there (and had lost his memory and had been trying to kill him) he immediately dropped his guard and walked closer to him because that was greed and he trusted him despite everything that had just happened. in the manga he grabs onto greeds coat as he dies and it is just about the saddest thing ive ever seen in my whole life

and then of course greed starts physically shaking because what he just did was so awful his body knows he fucked up before his mind even remembers Why it was fucked up and he cradles bidos body in his arms and screams. unfortunately if we are to acknowledge bido as the gay icon he was, we also must acknowledge that he was buried

(by all rights bido SHOULD have survived. where is the fanfiction where he survives fullmetal alchemist fandom or are you too busy writing the same royai-gets-married-and-has-babies fic over and over again. actually never mind i greatly prefer that to all the pedophilia. but thats another Other post, that unlike this incredibly niche topic some other people have almost definitely made before me)

the thing about grido is you could make a huge tragic thing about it being unrequited and frankly thats Fair, greed does not seem one to settle down in a relationship and bido likely has a lot of self worth issues that would prevent him from confessing his feelings. but you cannot deny that greed cared about him. he praises him, he pats him on the head (!!)

he COMPLETELY breaks down after he realizes he killed him. bido was so important to greed, as were the rest of the chimeras of course but i think theres a valid argument to be made that bido in particular was special to him. theyve got a few things in common actually that i find interesting:

both like to just chill on roofs??? when greed is in lings body he sometimes just hangs out on top of a roof. bido does this too

they could have hung out on roofs together.......maybe thats why greed likes to be up there. because he hung out with bido on roofs a lot. please consider this possibility

both of them are accidentally rude to children. the same children in fact

greed is like 200 and looks 30 while bido is middle-aged and people think he is a baby for some reason?????

okay this is just straight up a headcanon and has no actual basis in the text or subtext of fma but I Think Bido Is Trans and was cast out by his family in his youth and greed would understand that experience!!!! having left his own terrible family because they wanted him to be someone he wasnt

and then there are the differences:

greed is very outgoing and bido is mostly pretty anxious, though he has outbursts of confidence; that might be because greed being nice to him has built up his self-esteem (the way he calls himself cool/awesome when he escapes from the elrics, directly followed by greed complimenting his skills, really makes me think this is the case)

one is tall and lean........the other...is short and fat....... i know its cliche but let me have this

bido overthinks things. greed is a jock. with their powers combined they can do things at a mostly reasonable pace (as long as bido doesnt just go along with whatever greed wants which is probably most of the time what happens)

bido is outwardly inhuman and weird-looking but is incredibly caring and hard-working and loyal and sweet. greed is the sexiest motherfucker alive but hes literally the personification of a deadly sin and at his core he is technically just a rock made of pain. but below these layers both of them want the exact same thing which is to care about others and be cared for in return

also you know that post about how ships between immortal people and super young adults (or worse, teenagers) are OUT and instead we should have stories about immortal people dating 40-something accountants. bido is the 40-something accountant. except not an accountant. you know what im getting at though hes an Established Adult 

and bido DESERVES it, he deserves to be loved by the person he cares about more than anything, he has been through so much and gotten nothing but pain and he needs something good for a change!!! and greed DESERVES someone who will love him with all his heart and make him feel wanted no matter what. just, listen to me okay, they would make each other so happy

so!!! there are MANY reasons this ship is interesting and a million different ways you could go about exploring it and there is just NONE of it out there. for some reason the chimera that gets shipped the most with greed is dolcetto (though ive seen martel as well) and i think that is probably because they are more attractive to people (and also id wager more than a few dollars people simply see a dogman and his boss and go wild for the petplay angle). like you dont see any greed/roa either and thats very telling since roa appears with the other two almost every time and nothing about him is different except hes older and not as. pretty i guess???? in my humble onion hes hotter than either dolcetto or martel but thats neither here nor there

the important thing about bidos relationship to greed is that he might not have been transmuted with an animal with a strong sense of loyalty, but he didnt NEED to be, to be loyal to greed. he loved him entirely because he was human. and in the end he did the most for him out of any of the chimeras. unfortunately it was via dying but through the power of imagination we can collectively ignore that and pretend both he and greed survived, and greed went back to his original sexy, sexy body, and they made out on a roof for several consecutive hours. thats how im coping at least. thank you so much for listening to my unhinged rambling about lizard man who dies of fullmetal alchemist (gay edition)

#fullmetal alchemist (fullmetal alchemist) #bido #fma greed #grido

[weltonreject]

“look homeward, angel, now”

James lives and comes to find Oliver. Immediately post-canon. || Title and references from Milton’s Lycidas

I was crouched in my chair, looking for another pen, when there was a shallow knock on the front door. I paused for a moment, waiting for Meredith’s call to say she was answering. I pushed my chair back, remembering she was still out filming. I knew I had to stop relying on her for things, it was unbecoming. Felt like Dellecher all over again. Tied up between her and-- well, there was no other post to wrangle myself around. Just her. And still one end hanging lifeless in the wind.

“Coming!” I said, sliding my hand down the banister to keep myself from running. The knock sounded like it was a slow-response away from ditching.

Any other greeting I expected to say died on my tongue the moment I saw who had come-- who had found me.

“James.”

Weep no more, woeful shepherds, weep no more, For Lycidas, your sorrow, is not dead

It startled me to see he was soaking wet, like he’d walked right out of the sea and straight back to me-- but how could he have heard me? I cried silently and angrily in the hidden shadows of sleep, and isolated moments when Meredith would slip from the house for days at a time. I noticed, finally, that it had begun to rain outside. The explanation felt like a lie. Not the whole truth, as usual.

He seemed to notice my staring, my long dragging glances over his clothes, over his body. He was so much leaner than I remembered, than I ever dreamed of either, but he was still James. How could I find him unfamiliar?

"I’ve been here for over an hour... Trying to see if I should knock.” James sounded unsure if he’d done right. I pushed the door farther back to tell him he had. He didn’t move. “Truth is, I don’t know what to say to you.”

“Whatever you would like.” I said.

I tried not to overwhelm him with the truth of what simply the sight of him was doing to me. The return of a sailor we all thought had been lost to sea. I wasn’t even angry that he had been alive for years without a visit or a note-- except the one Filippa sent to me-- I didn’t care about the life he had before. It didn’t really matter. His had only started now that he was with me. And I felt the relief with as much greed as I thought to.

“We aren’t friendly enough for that anymore.” He whispered and it nearly disappeared into the rain.

"James,” I sighed and held a hand out to him. He’d begun to shiver. He resisted and I sighed, catching the wind of the rain. I spoke between the falling sheets. “ For we were nurs'd upon the self-same hill, / Fed the same flock, by fountain, shade, and rill; / Together both, ere the high lawns appear'd / Under the opening eyelids of the morn.”

My verse stopped him, shivering and all: surprised but not put-off. It wasn’t Shakespeare, but then again, we were different boys than those that could converse with only another man’s words. We were lost-and-found men. It felt wrong, at such a raw and exposed reunion, to start putting up the thin veil of our old selves, our old routine.

He stepped inside and I grabbed his coat, hanging it on the doorknob. The wet bottom hem stayed on the doormat, staying with James’s wet boots, as he toed them off. I half expected him to start shimmying out of his jeans, getting ready for bed after a long rehearsal.

Oh, how I wish there had been one. Maybe I would’ve had better lines prepared.

“What happened, James?” I started for the kettle as I lead him into the kitchen. I wanted to distract myself, but also didn’t want to take my eyes off of James. How had I gone without a single real glimpse of him for years? How had I allowed myself to become so starved?

I remembered it hadn’t been me who had made the decision.

“What do you want me to say?” He was genuinely asking. Calling for a line prompt. “The guilt swallowed me, Oliver. And I thought once I hit rock bottom it would be over. But it kept swallowing me. Over and over, right over my head, like--”

Like waves.

He ask'd the waves, and ask'd the felon winds, "What hard mishap hath doom'd this gentle swain?"

“You’re alive.” I prompted him finally.

"After the hospital,” James spoke softly, easing himself into the chair. The pain on his face told me of the time he spent, most likely cooped up and staring his guilt dead in the face, unable to utter it. Unable to heal. “I went to my family but, mostly to keep quiet. Gather myself without you knowing.”

“Me?” Anger flared in my chest suddenly, the hiss of the kettle a whimper compared to my impending growl, ferocious and unhinged after years in a cage. “Does everyone else know?”

“Meredith isn’t filming. She’s with Wren right now. I told her... I wanted to tell you myself. Alone.”

I glared at him, nostrils flaring as I tried to grapple with the sudden exposed strings tied to me. I heaved a breath, ready to scream, to rally a fight, but-- I sighed, seeing the guilt etched, again, on James’s features. They’d never return to the ones I used to study on stage; from across the room; once, right under my nose.

I couldn’t be angry at him. Between the two of us, what good was it? There was no score anymore. Just an extended intermission. Unfinished verse.

My anger caved and washed out of me and I nearly collapsed into the seat across from him.

Who would not sing for Lycidas?

“I can understand not seeing me, but you could’ve, at the very least, told me you were alive.” I said, trying to remain firm. ��That’s all I cared about. Not the-- not an apology.”

“God, apology.” James became distraught again. He looked too weak to stand, but panicked enough to express another desire to disappear. “What can I even say to apologize? You wouldn’t let me-- and now there’s nothing I can say to give you back that past ten years of you life. I mean,” he choked on a long sob. “what could I possible do to give you any of that back?”

“Tell me you know why I did it.”

“What?” He ran the back of his sweater sleeve-- already soaked-- along his upper lip, composing himself.

“Tell me you know why.”

“I--” The truth was right there, held in our own held breaths. In the way our hands were both flat against the table top, finger tips too far apart to be purposeful, but trembling enough to say they were missing another half. “I don’t know what you want me to say.” James said more desperately. The words were as unrehearsed for him as they were for me.

I, again, chose words not of my own, hoping to dislodge the ten years of rust I’d let form around them. Never spoken, never practiced.

“Where, other groves and other streams along, / With nectar pure his oozy locks he laves,” I blinked twice, looking down at my own hands. They weren’t as harsh red and thawing as James’s. I looked back up, knowing the rest of the verse, but changing it anyway. “And hears the expressive nuptial song, / In the blest kingdoms meek of joy and love.”

"I-I don’t know Milton this well.” Fresh tears had started in his eyes. One dangled over his cheek, his trembling body threatening his composure again.

I was pleased he at least knew the poem. I wasn’t just speaking in scattered verse, not just in a foreign tongue. It was code again. A secret layer of communication we could tuck between, like a warm blanket and firm mattress.

“Now, Lycidas, the shepherds weep no more:” Against my better judgement-- against all judgement, really-- I rose from my seat and reached to brush the tear from James’s cheek. My hand never retracted. It stayed on him, thumb gently braced on his sharp, jutting cheekbone. “Henceforth thou art the Genius of the shore, / In thy large recompense, and shalt be good / To all that wander in that perilous flood.”

Weakness be damned, James himself stood again. He reached for me over the table, my shirt too simple for his grasp and going for my shoulders. He nearly folded me over across the table, bringing me to his lips. He was fully weeping by then, no sparse or embarrassed tears to be found. These tears were hot and pitiful: only I, a lost shepherd staring out over the sea, would be so foolish to be in love with him. Would forgive him with a heart so light it could so easily be handed over, passed from lips to lips.

“Don’t ever do that again.” He said, finally finding my face with both of his freezing hands. “Don’t you ever do that again.”

I wanted to make a joke-- a note that it wasn’t my decision, not really-- but I kept my mouth shut. Or, otherwise pre-occupied.

“I’m sorry.” I didn’t mean it entirely. So I went on. “I wouldn’t have ever let you trade with me, but I’m sorry it meant you had to be with the guilt--”

“All without you.” He took my sentence and tied it up, keeping it ended. “There’s no one like you.”

“James,”

“No, no,” he said, pushing my hair back and cradling my face like he’d gotten to touch a marble statue: intimately and with wonder. “fuck ordinary and nice and disposable. Oliver, there is no one on this Earth like you, and I can’t believe that I let you fall for me.”

“There’s no one else like you.” I said, stepping around the table to take him in my arms.

He was sturdier than I would have thought, but maybe that was just years of harsh reality building a shell around him. I kissed him again, ignoring his quiet whimper of disagreement to my confession. His hand laid flat against my chest, an echo of a memory never finished. His fingers pressed against my collar bone, trying to find my heartbeat. As if he needed a jumpstart to his own.

“No one else worth knowing, quite like you.” We were both breathing heavy, my words nearly lost in James’s continued shy nips at my lips. He was trying to stop me from speaking, but I could tell he was eager for absolvement. Not of sins, but of shame.

Finally, I brought him to rest against me. Fiery passion and frail relief encased us both. Our arms tightly tried to keep the other impossibly closer-- as if it would push the rest of the world away. I thought to myself, incorrectly but with a hidden smile:

But O the heavy change now art gone, Now art gone, and never must return!

#if we were villains #james farrow x oliver marks #iwwv fic #my fics #i fixed ittttt #not to be annoying but i'm really proud of this if y'all could hype her up that would be great... #i finished the book like an hour ago....