#i really dont know what to do with myself i feel useless and spent. and i dont want to talk because nothing changes anyway | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

judebelle · 6 months

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Gavi breaking up with the reader bc he needs space and stuff and she takes it really hard and it affects her a lot but he realizes he was wrong for it and gets her back. Just a lot of angst but fluff ending plssss. You are the bestttt

rekindled - p.g. x reader

authors note : thank you guys for the love on my recent posts, and for sending in requests. psa, the more requests i get, the more motivated i am and the more i post!

cw : just heart wrenching angst for the most part, but it gets fluffy dwww!!, swearing, sad :(

wc : 2.3k

pairing : pablo gavi x fem!reader

---

“i just don’t have the time for you anymore!”

his words truly devastated you, tearing apart the delicate threads of your heart. couldn’t he at least try? why was he just giving up?

“i don’t understand why we can’t just try to work it out, pablo! we could compromise, we can even make a schedule.. we could make it work!”

it seemed like only you were really trying, and he seemed eager to end this relationship. over what? a busy schedule? you felt useless, standing in his empty home, the echoes of your voices ringing in your ears. it was as if you were singlehandedly trying to stop a sinking ship from descending deep into the dark and bottomless blue.

“it’s not that easy, y/n! i have a lot on my plate! between football practices and matches, i barely have time for myself anymore. and then adding on this relationship, i need to make time for you as well! its too much. i know you wouldn't understand but-"

"i wouldn't understand? what is that supposed to mean? there are two people in this relationship. and it's not like i sit around all day and do nothing! i also have my own things to do! you make it seem like i am so high maintenance, like i'm too much for you to handle!"

you were growing increasingly angry as the argument progressed. how little did he think of you?

"you know that's not what i meant.."

you sniffled, "i dont think i know you at all anymore."

---

it had been a week since the break up.

you tried not to let it affect you too much, but his absence left a crater in your heart you were left too weak to fill.

the breakup casted a shadow over the once vibrant hues of your life. you found yourself dealing with the aftermath of shattered love. you were picking up the shattered pieces of your heart, the sharp glass cutting through the skin of your hands. you felt the pain during tearful nights when sleep also abandoned you, and in the empty spaces that once resonated with shared laughter.

the breakup left an indelible mark on you.

you didn't call anybody. you just sat at home. it was like pablo's words became your new reality, now you were truly sitting around all day and doing nothing.

you hadn't heard from him at all, thanking the universe knowing that if you did, it would be too much on your aching heart.

---

one month had passed.

you were finally feeling like yourself again. yes, you missed his warm embrace and touching words, but you learned to live without it.

you couldn't depend on someone to be the sole reason for your happiness. you still loved him, and you always will, but fuck did he cut deep.

---

pablo's pov

pablo found himself grappling with an unexpected wave of regret.

the relentless demands of his busy life had driven a wedge between the two of you, leaving him to confront the harsh reality of what he had lost.

pablo now spent the time he would've spent with you alone, in his home. he didn't hang out with friends. he didn't go out for dinner, just ordered food to his house. he felt lonely and bored without you.

how ironic.

the void left by your absence became easily recognizable to everyone around him, and he began to yearn for the warmth of your shared moments.

but pablo kept the painful truth of your breakup to himself, unable to utter the words aloud to anyone.

"hey bro, what's on your mind?"

he felt an arm drape across his shoulders, startling him from his thoughts.

pablo was at barcelona's training grounds, and didn't realize his slumped posture and absentminded features were noticeable to anyone but him.

pedro was walking next to him, his arm slung around the back of his neck.

"hola?? what's up with you?" pedro was insisting on finding out why his close friend was acting so strange.

"sorry, just tired.. didn't get much sleep last night." in all honesty, he hadn't. he spent most of his night lying awake, thinking of how badly he had messed up. his screen time was through the roof, scrolling through your feed and posts, reminiscing on what was once his, about the warm soul that would sleep next to him in this very bed.

"ai, don't lie now. you know i can see right through you. what's wrong, bro?" pedro wasn't giving up, pestering pablo on his silence.

pablo gulped and turned to his friend, "i.. i messed up bad bro, like really bad..".

he didn't elaborate further, unable to bring himself to come to terms with what he had done.

"uhh, that's cool and all, but it would be helpful if you explained, man. i can't help you if you dont tell m-"

"i broke up with y/n."

pablo shut his mouth after, the words leaving the bitter taste of regret in his mouth. he might've said that too loudly, causing some staff members and teammates to look his direction.

pedro didn't seem to believe it, raising his eyebrow at the boy.

"you what? wha... when?"

everyone who knew pablo knew that he was absolutely smitten with you. you were always on his mind, and he was quick to talk about you if he had the chance. it annoyed his friends sometimes, but it was cute how much he loved you.

the fact that he had broken up with you was appalling.

"around a month ago.." pablo confessed, his hands hidden behind his back like a guilty child. "i told her i was too busy to focus on our relationship, and i told her that i needed to focus on my career. it's honestly a load of bullshit. i think i was just stressed and took it out on her."

pedro's confusion was evident, his eyebrows drawn together.

"i don't understand, bro. your schedule was never an issue for you before. and why didn't you tell me? i could've, i don't know, been there for you!"

it was like pablo was being scolded, and he really did deserve it. he'd lost you because of his own stress and poor time management. you didn't deserve to suffer because of him.

"pablo, what were you thinking? i mean, i can't believe it! i would've never expected you to- okay, i'm sorry.." pedro stopped his lecturing upon seeing his friend growing increasingly upset. "my advice to you is to go apologize. and not just a quick 'sorry', but a good one. get her flowers, chocolate - i don't know, whatever chicks like. just go say sorry."

pablo looked up at his friend, hesitation on his features. "what if she doesn't take me back? w-what would i do then?" he stuttered. he was worried you would realize how big of an asshole he was, and how much he didn't deserve you.

"i mean, i wouldn't blame her," pedro smiled teasingly. "but i know y/n pretty well, she would understand." he laid a comforting hand on pablo's shoulder. "don't sweat it bro, it'll all be okay."

---

your pov

you were currently sprawled across your couch, stuffing popcorn in your mouth as you binged a show you had already seen a million times.

the bell rang.

that hadn't happened in a while. the unfamiliar sound rang in your head before you pulled yourself up from your comfortable position, walking to the door. you yanked the door open, popcorn still in your mouth.

you looked up to see the man you thought you'd never see again.

"..hola.." he whispered before sending you a soft smile. you froze in your spot. not knowing what to do as you weren't expecting this at all.

it was like you'd turned cold from shock. you acted before you thought, slamming the door on his face. you scrambled to fixed your hair and finish chewing your popcorn.

giving yourself a moment to breathe and think, you quickly opened the door again, worried he might leave. surprisingly, he was still standing there, waiting for you.

"can i come in?"

---

you let him in, of course. how could you not?

he walked in with a hunched back. his feet dragged against the floor wearily.

you told him to sit on the couch and wait as you grabbed two waters, one for him, and one for you.

the unexpected arrival of pablo, whom you thought had become a distant echo of the past, sent tremors through the newly rebuilt walls around your heart.

is there a possibility of rekindling what was once lost?

you finally dragged yourself out of the kitchen and back into the living room to where pablo was sitting with his legs shaking anxiously and his fingers fidgeting with the hem of his shirt. there were still popcorn crumbs on the couch, the halfway eaten bowl of it placed on the table across from the paused movie displayed on the tv.

oh, how you wish he warned you before showing up at your doorstep.

he turned his head to see you standing tensely in the doorframe. he smiled awkwardly as he scooted over to give you some space to sit far from him.

you sat down and placed the waters on the table in front of you. you took a deep breath before gulping hard. you eventually found the courage to croak out a few words.

"what happened, is everything alright?"

the air was thick, the unspoken history you shared lingering in the air. his eyes were red and cratered by bags. he tried to hide the lines on his face by putting on a decent outfit and gelling his hair back, but you saw right through his façade.

"i just.. wanted to apologize.."

your silence was his cue to continue speaking.

sitting in the soft glow of your living room, pablo took a deep breath before breaking the heavy silence.

"i need you to know how sorry i am for what i did, y/n. breaking up with you was the biggest mistake of my life, and i've spent every day regretting it. i miss you, not just the idea of you, but you - the way you laugh, the way you challenge me... i was foolish, and i can't keep living my life without you in it. i came here to make things right, to find a way for us to work through the challenges together. can we try again? can you forgive me?" His vulnerable pleas hung in the air while also knocking you down like heavy wind.

your gaze flickered with a mix of surprise as pablo's heartfelt words settled in the room. the weight of his apology hung between you, and for a moment, time seemed to stretch as you discerned the sincerity in his eyes.

you took a moment before responding, your voice a sorrowful blend of vulnerability and caution.

"pablo, you hurt me deeply when you walked away. i've spent nights replaying those moments, the day you left me, wondering if i meant as much to you as you say now...". The room held a fragile hope as your eyes locked.

in a desperate plea, pablo's words spilled forth with an intensity so raw it stung in the depths of your heart. his eyes reflected the sincerity of his emotions. "y/n, i can't imagine my life without you. every moment without you feels like a void i can't fill. i was foolish, and i let something so precious slip away." his voice wavered with a mix of regret and hope, showing the depth of his desire to rebuild what was lost.

"please, i'm begging you, give me another chance. i know i hurt you, and i'm willing to do whatever it takes to make things right. i've learned from my mistakes, and i'm not the same person who walked away. i love you, and i'm ready to fight for us. please, take me back."

you listened to pablo's heartfelt pleas carefully. after a thoughtful pause, you spoke with a calm and resolute tone,

"pablo, i appreciate your honesty and the effort you're putting into this. it's not easy to admit mistakes, and i can see the sincerity in your eyes. but i need some space to process everything. let's take things one step at a time."

pablo quietly absorbed your response. he nodded, a silent acknowledgment of the weight of his actions. "i understand, y/n," he said with a quiet sincerity,

"i know i hurt you, and i can't expect you to erase that pain overnight. i'm here, whenever you're ready." his words left a subtle sting on your heart. he raised up from the couch, before leaving with the same hunch of his back and drag of his steps that he entered with.

the sound of the door latching closed sent a stab through your heart. your eyes began to water as the painful image of him leaving stuck in your mind.

you were standing in the doorway, and felt a sudden surge of clarity and yearning. spontaneously, you threw the door open and rushed after him, the urgency to convey your changing feelings propelling you forward. "pablo!" you called out, running down the driveway, and as he turned in surprise, you closed the distance between you. without a word, you reached out, cupped his face in your hands, and pressed your lips to his. his hands wrapped around your waist as he dipped you forward slightly, embracing your warmth and forgiveness. your brows furrowed into the kiss as you felt the craters in your heart fill slowly.

the kiss was heavy, holding many unspoken emotions—forgiveness, longing, and the realization that sometimes, the heart finds its way back when the connection is too strong to resist.

in that moment, under the dim streetlights, things changed between you two, and it seemed as though the process of reconciliation was beginning to unfold.

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seraphim-soulmate · 2 months

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lol my boss sent me an email asking me to format appointments in the way that I've already been doing it, to screen clients for whether they need an appointment or just a question answered (which is again, what I've been doing), and told me she has no appointments with new clients next week despite 9 of her 18 appointments being with new clients.

not really sure how to respond to her email. if I should address it point by point, or if I should just thank her for the guidance and patience while I continue to adapt to the job. Or not answer her email and just tell her in person that's what I've already been doing, but that I'm not the only one making appointments for her in this office.

also, I make a list of every phone call and client I had contact with (easiest way to log who called, what they said, what I answered and if the lawyer needs to intervene) and some of them need answers about their file which I cannot access because I cannot access their files bcs I don't have my own cloud account. and in any case, there are some questions I can't or don't feel comfortable answering as I'm not a lawyer !! I don't know the cases, the clients, or the procedures, so I can't always answer their questions. On top of keeping a log of who called, asking the appropriate questions, and setting appointments, I also add in the description of the appointment the reason for why the client is having an appointment in the first place; to ensure that they're not making a useless appointment when, for example, all they need to do is send documents to add to their file.

but my boss complained because on the list of client communications I had that day, there were 2 that she needed to call back (of the 15 people I had listed, I don't even include the WhatsApp messages I can answer by myself), saying essentially that the work I was doing was useless because she was still having to talk to clients. girl I don't know how to say this, but I spent 3 hours handling client contacts and despite my presence at the office, YOU STILL HAVE TO CONTACT CERTAIN CLIENTS YOURSELF BECAUSE I DONT KNOW THIS FIELD. she literally has set time aside in her calendar to call back clients, so I assumed she understood that she needed to handle some client relations- even if I was handing most of them. I'm still doing a job of filtering out the majority of your clients, setting appointments, directing them to send paperwork by email, etc.

oh also I've only been working here for THREE WEEKS, TWO TIMES A WEEK. I also handle client relations faster, more efficiently, more calmly, and more politely than she does. Like I'm entirely on track for where I should be for the timeframe. Not to mention that I don't only handle client contacts, I'm also the in-house IT person. Any computer issues, program issues, I'm able to fix- a skill which neither of the lawyers do have.

OH and not to mention trying to answer the phone and hear everything the client is saying isn't particularly easy when the clients either have a bad cell connection, and because of the fact that she HAS AN OPEN-SPACE OFFICE !!! So while I'm trying to hear the person speaking quietly on the phone and remember the questions I'm supposed to be asking, I'm also hearing 2 other people speaking either during a consultation, where the door is directly behind my desk and made partially of glass so I can hear everything, or I hear them upstairs on the phone with clients or just talking amongst themselves. The worst part is that she DESIGNED THIS OFFICE!!!! SHE REMODELED IT AND DIDN'T THINK ABOUT HOW HEARING SOMEONE ON THE PHONE WHILE SOMEONE ELSE IS SPEAKING MIGHT BE A LITTLE BIT DIFFICULT !!!!!

#personal #me #i was thinking about wearing headphones for the phone but i have to be careful with that since i get tension headaches...#also feel free to comment on what I should do???

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universeofmuses · 6 months

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Its my birthday today...

//so today is my birthday... I am 35 today, I am fat, I am single, and I am a bit of a loser... I know these are harsh things to say about myself but they are true.. Most people my age are already married and looking to have kids, hell a girl I liked when I worked my first job just got married this past weekend..

I just thought I'd be married at this point, that I'd be looking to have a family. How is it that someone who looks to do the right thing, go to school, get an education, be a good son, not get into any trouble, wind up here. Broke and alone and a fat? Honestly as I look back on everything I just see that I do not matter in the livest of anyone except maybe 2 people and those are my parents. I mean I could be factored out of everyone's lives and it wouldnt have made even the slightest impact, usually I think of myself as the hero of my own story but honestly lately and by that I mean the past few months, I just see myself as the useless side character that no one even knew was there.

I guess I just dont know where i went wrong in life, I dont know where I could have made a change so that I wouldnt end up alone... so that I wouldnt be where I am now. Alone and essentially crying myself to sleep, wishing life was different than the way it was. Is this a reflection on me or the world as a whole?

i guess it is true what they say, the nice guys really do finish last, and boy am I feeling that. I just feel like this last years especially that life has done everything it can to beat me down. I wasted my money on dating sites which I have next to nothing to show for the $400 I spent so I can even be able to talk to someone if theyre there at all, speed dating has just shown me that i am not an interesting enough person to continue on for another date not to mention they are not even being done anymore..., and lets not forget the fact that even being set up with a friend of a friend was a total bust and has left me feeling cold and empty inside. Then lets talk about kink, while its been great going to the events, I just so happen to be into something that no one either cares about or is willing to entertain... not to mention I lost a friend because I dared to ask for the possibility of my kink. life has just beaten me down...

Tonight I just feel so defeated, so hopeless, the only thing I really want to do is just drink and cry myself to sleep... like i do every night. Today is my birthday I am 35 and I am fat and alone, and honestly I dont know what I can do to make things better. I dont know how I can get someone to see that I have worth, to see that I am a gentleman and will worship the ground you walk on as long as you put in a reasonable amount of effort, that I am a hard worker and deserve to have that acknowledged.

Honestly hearing that I am such a nice guy used to bring me pride, now I just feel like its a badge of shame, because it just seems like no one wants a nice guy at work, or in a relationship, being a nice guy has really bought me nothing in life, just lots of regrets and missed opportunities. God I hate the way my life has turned out... I really do... Happy birthday to me, Happy 35th birthday to me.

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djmousewife · 5 months

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i really am despairing and just hopeless in a way that i genuinely dont think ive been before and its rlly fucking with me. like, by all acounts, i am More supported than i have been before, and thats almost part of the problem? i feel ungrateful for feeling So Bad. i don't do Anything, i dont attend uni, i dont write my essays, i dont have a job, i dont clean my flat, i dont rlly cook a lot. of the things that Have to happen so we can continue to live in this flat, or i can continue to access medical services so my life doesnt get worse: those things are often put off way past the last minute and i need a lot of support to do at all. also, rn my life is mostly just calling A Service TM, getting a bullshit response, complaining, calling again, finally getting through to someone who knows whats going on, complaining, rinse repeat. ITS EXHAUSTING! not only that but sitting every day in bed or at my desk refreshing tumblr or staring at my screen saver thinking to myself 'what am i going to do?' and coming to the conclusion of nothing because i have nothing to do, i enjoy nothing, i want nothing, i cant concentrate long enough on anything or process information well enough to do things Anyway. ykw its not even true i dont Want to do anything. i do. i Want to write my essays, on some level i am genuinely interested in the topics. i just Cant. i want to read. i've been pretty keen on reading complaint by sarah ahmed for a while now or maybe rereading whipping girl or even giving notes on suicide another go? but i cant make myself start because i Know that i wont get far and its so fucking depressing. im getting so high, the come down is genuinely distressing because of how scrambled and disorganised my brain becomes and i become so afraid i will be like that forever. and yet i do it EVERY DAY! im struggling extremely badly with some interpersonal shit that has completely destroyed any self esteem or confidence i had in my appearance and my worth. add onto that that i am a massive Massive financial drain and even if i wasnt our finances are just.. Bad? so i was like, ok, fssw time again, that wont be too bad, i can do that. and then i fucking set up by whore phone and downloaded the grindr apk (and it was fucking horrible and evil to do and i hate that evil horrible useless phone) (also did u know u need to send in id for age verification on google now? 101 internet safety says to not do that are u crazy?) and started getting dms and i wanted to cry i got so overwhelmed. like idk if i can do it, but like.. i kinda gotta? idk man. im trying to see things positively? like, i got the form for the work capability assessment and spent all of yesterday photocopying medical letters which detail diagnoses and assessments and reference hospitilisations, etc but also the dwp are evil so who knows if its enough? im trying to get my pip reevaluated but they havent even sent me the Form for that yet? so again! who! knows! i feel like im in beurocracy hell and i cant leave? my uni are trying to work with me, but multuple medical professionals have told me to interrupt or drop out and like if people who are meant to be like have something in your life to keep you going dont think i can do it, what chance do i have of Actually doing it? i dont know what to do anymore.

#kankum #brain tag

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verm1c1de · 1 year

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Hello please tell me literally anything you can about pradr :33

I have brain worms and they need sustinance.

ok ok. so im gonna be honest half of this is semi-related to the very specific fursion of them that i share with my furiend id beclaws were geniuses and if nyall had any idea HALF the stuff we wrote mew would be going bonkers

ANYWAYS

so basically the gist of them is "were furiends beclaws of mewtual hate but then find out that oh god oh no there are things we LIKE. about EACHOFUR!!! FUCK!!!!!"

more under the cut beclaws this is gonna be a bit of a looong post

in the show its already been shown that the tallest and dib will just. Willingly Hang Out on call and theyll vaguely entertain his nonsense ((if very confused about it)). so that can def escalate to regular chats while zims not there/when zim HAS to put up with dib also being there beclaws the tallest like this funny little dirtmonkey fur some reason. the reason is that this weird alien is so. Oddly Interesting and just Talks to them like normal people instead of as these higher beings so thats WEIRD they dont LIKE that but. at the same time. its intriguing? and this urth creature has a lot to say! and hell do just about anything fur a bit of irken info and a scrap of appurreciation

of course then these chats get longer and more furequent and at some point mewve gotta go "hey can we skip the middle man just take our number." ((to which anyone who could pawssibly find out would go what the FUCK since WHEN do the TALLEST like anybody besides themselves enough to do that!!!!!))

the tallest,,,, dont know when they started liking people besides themselves eifur. purple doesnt care too much lol he likes what he likes and doesnt give a shit what ofur people think. ((even if he mostly just sees dib as a funny little man without much sustenance atm)) reds a biiiit more appurrehensive. and by a bit i mean "oh god, what the fuck am i feeling. what the fuck. this shouldnt be allowed. this is supposed to be OUR((red + pur)) thing!!! when did HE((dib)) get here????"

dib doesnt know how he got there eifur. hes just being himself and kind of maybe enjoying these evil tyrants company. he doesnt LIKE them or anything no no hes obviously just mewsing them fur infurmation and little gadgets that they give him sometimes! ((its mostly just junk and completely useless info. mostly.)) but. mew know. hes kind of starting to figure out that theres more to their deal than just blowing shit up and eating snacks

red and purple have spent their entire lives staying close to eachofur to a codependent degree so fur, not letting anybody else get close. theyre just a unit ok!! they dont need anybody else! but then Suddenly this human waltzes in like "hi im going to completely ruin mewr whole dynamic by shoving myself in there" and they just. its new its weird it sucks its Fun and they cant help Liking his stupid ass!!

purple likes how hes funny and purretty stupid, obviously he doesnt like this inferior creature fur anything more than That! and the way dib doesnt treat him like hes Stupid definitely doesnt mean something to him...

red ((once he gets ofur himself a little bit)) does NOT like him fur his intellect WHATSOEFUR no. not at all. he doesnt think this non-irken is smart and Almost on their level ((nobody can be as good as the tallest, obviously)) and he Definitely doesnt enjoy being treated as equals

dib DEFINITELY doesnt like how these two listen to him or enjoy talking to them or how purple is so endearingly mean ((they both are, to be fair)) or that if mew play mewr cards just right red is a bit of a softie under all of that Pure Evil, and fur Sure he doesnt care fur them Actually Engaging With Him and his interests, even if they dont really care as much as he does, its not just Putting Up with him until he shuts up. and there is Absolutely No Way he likes the thought of being Special to the most pawerful people in the mewniverse ((and definitely, not at all, showing them that just beclaws theyre the tallest doesnt mean theyre almighty. hes got his own tricks up his sleeve))

tl;dr, Ough.

#mew asked fur literally anything so i gave mew literally efurrything #haha jk im sure i have more to say but this is all ive got rn #iz headcanons #ask #iz #invader zim #pradr #vermi.txt #long post

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ladyjaja · 2 years

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entry 5 ... a little about clothes

im take a break from talking abt the castle to speak some thoughts abt my personal fashion experiences on sl .. sparked by these 2 outfits i did the other day

since i spent a lot of time on sl, i dont really feel that extreme hunger and craving for new clothes anymore, because my closet has plenty and because i know what i like for sure now

i still buy things tho, i love fashion and dressing up my avatars, i especially love dressing up wafa.. its a less expensive version of playing with real life dolls.. i know what stores i like so i just follow them all on flickr and check out anything tht stands out to me ... anyways

i bought the top on the left and the outfit on the right in the same event .. theyre from diff creators..

this top is by MUSE, and its not originally this color.. i bought it in white

me getting a new piece of clothing lately is almost fully dependent on whether the item is modify or not, and MUSE always has their stuff w/ modify permissions

i think this is an afterthought for many people even long time SL players sometimes .. including myself earlier in my sl life

but overtime i realized i had a bunch of things i didnt feel like i could fit in various outfits or even various avatars.. making outfits was really annoying and depressing,......i started having revelations after spending a long time tinting + combining hairs (this is its own monster)

any modify clothing.. i can tint! and if i can set the texture to white and tint, then all the outfit parts can actually match, and i can use my own colors

its kind of rare for stores to have full mod clothes anymore .. a lot will offer modifiable versions in fatpack.. insomnia angel does it, and ill buy those if the singles arent mod.. yeah fatpack is so expensive seeming but its worth it to spend more on an item ill use for multiple avatars and multiple outfits, thn a bunch of tops tht only serve one purpose.. or could end up in the trenches of my digital closet collecting dust .. 1 item i can modift and color endlessly keep me happy way longer thn useless shirt

tinting hs become very sacred to me and important in making a new outfit .. and i guess by extension important if im shopping

its a very personal preference but there is something to think about when it comes to creators making clothes no mod .. some people dont want you tinting the stuff they made .. they think modify items are more at risk to be copybotted (it doesnt make a difference)

i feel a certain way when the permission isnt specified anywhere, or if theres no.. like "mod in fatpack!" like it turns me off to not be able to put my cute color on it, at least modify being fatack exclusive give me hope!

this can be advice, but is rlly my personal thoughts.. i think the fact tht i want my characters to feel flat on purpose, because they are flat.. contribute to this.. because i like the minimal texture achieved by tinting, its very subtle.. i tend to keep in mind to buy from places that i know have textures that are soft and can translate well into being tinted

(some closeup, u can see what i mean w the shadows?)

now w this second outfit.. its from a store called V.C.LAB.. my first products from this store..and 2 be real maybe my last..

i subsided my preferences on mod clothing like i do everyonce in a while, cu i thought this look woud be really cute for wafa, i didnt buy a fatpack.. and the singles are.. like i mention.. no mod

the skirt i can probably use with other things and the shirt too, but i guess knowing myself i doubt it, this is a unique wafa outfit.. summer vibe for her.. which is fine.. its rare for me though to buy something like this .. supposedly, the fatpack is no mod either

it is super cute ofc

something abt being tinted outfits all the time makes outfits like these stand out more on my characters, like a casual day out

i dont regret buying it.. but i use petite for matrieya, and the rigging for it (the version of the shirt for petite) is whack, idk if theyll ever fix it? it was a bad omen for me, i want to buy mod clothes forever..

part of me buying this no-mod fit tho is because a lot of mod clothes isnt very modest.. i love MUSE, but its all lingerie mostly.. its very revealing and not at all neutral, i love their clothes but sometimes i want something that cover up more(bold to say cuz even this outfit 'revealing' in a lot of standards, this is just some sl problem & its own conversation), when ur looking for tint only clothing u can run into problems often where u feel like ur getting too much of some clothing and there can be holes in ur wardrobe that take time to fill..

regardless ever since i have this mentality w shopping and stuff i feel a lot more peace with my avatar and my closet.. the edit menu is sacred.. and u will go a long way exploring all its posibilities.. unless u RLLY a diehard fan of baked on shadows

#wafadiary #avatarstuff

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sounds6noise9 · 1 month

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how much longer do i have to atone? what did i do that was so bad that i cannot allow myself to die, even though i beseech of that very thing. there's no single reason for me to continue on when i will either inflict hurt or be hurt. ive always felt like with each and every person i converse with, i will never talk with them beyond the surface level. i cant connect with anyone, i simply cannot. i dont know how to be charismatic, how to end the silence, and why silence feels like my burden. ill explain more in another post, later. yesterday i was put in a situation where i became harshly aware of this, depsite having always known. ive always known, and some days i am more aware of it than others. i know its been weird because im apathetic as of late, and cant really think properly. but when you said that it was awkward being there with me, i couldn't help but feel worried. i know ive been cruel to you for a little, but its only because you hurt first. but it was selfish of me not to see through that, but even still why should i act like i care. do i even really? who's to say? but i was nevertheless worried, because even though i knew i'd take my life, i thought by some chance, that someday, you'd save me. that maybe my love for you, and the interchangable sum, could be wonderful enough to save me from this dream of dying ive had. but it was foolish to even think that when we could never connect in the first place. those nights where i looked at your pictures to ease me into sleep was just time spent on useless acts of greed. how could i ever hope for our bodies to exchange warmth when you could never even feel like i was a wonderful enough person; im not lovely, i will not be someone you could ever even want to be around. i know of you, but i dont know you. neither do you know of me, i dont think im a very vulnerable person because maybe ive always just been like that. i know of you, the promise of death. and though i vow to this promise, i sometimes stray away, i sometimes have love to give, i sometimes think about a life worth living. but when i think of these thoughts, i realize that i cannot have that because i have to atone for something with no reason as to why. i mustve done something so bad that i will never have any sense of normality in my life. i thought that i could, but truth be told, i will not be the person to save you, nor will you be the person to save me. our friendship has already seen a decline, and im sure it will soon be no more. my life is different from yours, because you loosing me will not feel like a loss. you have others to make up for it, people who wont make you feel lonely, places to run to. i have nothing, and so loosing you will be a cold loss. as i navigate these feelings, i will fluctuate between not caring, and caring enough so that it is reminiscent of a heartbreak between lovers. we are not lovers, even though i wish that we could be. i will still wish even in the times i am swarmed by a brigade of untidy loneliness. i thought that loving someone and forgoing everything else is all i need, that if i dont murder myself, i can move 2,000 miles to where you live. we'd finally see the same stars at the same time, not even in different time zones. i can see your face, instead of it just being plastered to my screen. i can touch you, all the while you touch me. im greedy and selfish and there's nothing of me i can give to you, i cant provide you anything, because it just doesnt happen that way. someone with such an idle personality should have no hope, no hope that someone like you, with the beautiful hair, could ever save me

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aitian · 3 months

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Mon 01/29/24 1:57am

it's been more than a year. damn. couldn't write all year bc i have been so ashamed & traumatized.

back in school for electrical engineering & honestly i hate it. at least im (slowly) learning some useful things from within the massive amounts of bullshit. when does this end...

if i could have seen into the future, i would be so ashamed & sad to know what im doing now. maybe i wouldn't have made it to today. maybe i would have just done better. what a mess.

it's a bit painful to relive but here are the facts:

terrible teaching job. rude, dirty, sick. kids were funny. one kid won the spelling bee (we would practice together in the hall) & told me she wanted to be an artist. one kid never talked & had bad spoken english but wrote a rly good reflection essay abt boarding schools & american education (postscript "im hungry"). one kid told me stories abt learning to drive a motorcycle with his dad in DR & bragged to all the other kids that i was a great help for his high school application. that is all.

went to taiwan w the roomies. it was ok. really beautiful, wish i saw more of the mountains & oceans

terrible nonprofit job. abusive, useless, malicious. spent a lot of time studying soc*alism w chinese ch@racteristics & material origins of class society. honestly developed some optimism for human progress. fired for working too many hours & representing the org extremely well on a panel where the other panelists and audience really lifted up my perspective. everyone respected my work except the narcissist clowns. i met a nice friend named alan. that is all.

went to china, & felt saved & relieved to see people standing up. this time there was much less air pollution, especially near the coastal cities. luoyang had a bit more, but the city was a giant network of parks. i counted five rows of trees on each side of the streets. my uncles are so smart with critical analysis of history, human progress, world politics, and local affairs. sigh... feels bad to be treated like a dog in this backward country. i realized that i need training that prepares me for the realities of this strange world.

applied to school for electrical engineering. studied python & calculus in the meantime-- & thank god i did... i honestly felt good abt the decision, knowing that i need to develop myself if i want to survive in this world.. & i have reasons or energy to do it instead of waiting for death. is that the end of depression?

hung out w adele, erica, & tracy a bit bc they were all in town for the holidays. i missed my friends. they were rly nice to me.

started school in january. it fucking sucks. ppl r so stupid & rude. ridiculous. im tired & angry every day. i am running a huge marathon full of sloppy, impossible problems that take hours longer than they should. overworked & mad every day.

some reflections i guess..

emmy has been really hands-off with my life. idk if they dont have ideas or dont want to step in, or they r just observing what happens. idk. i dont feel like emmy approves or disapproves of anything. maybe relieved when i escape the shitholes i dug myself into. i hope emmy can help me become someone i feel proud of. i helped emmy apply to masters programs but idk if its the right step for emmy, & they dont have strong reasons honestly. they got accepted by the committee a few days ago. sigh.. i desperately want emmy to have my back.

im back to being so depressed. unsure abt what im doing, feeling doomy abt past present & future. will things get better? im in trouble if i need to tell myself that to cope w the present. im stronger than i was before, i think....

hang in there, love.

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apatheticchocobar · 6 months

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what am i feeling

last few days have probably been the most unproductive and lazy i've ever been

i have so much to do, everything i have either half assed or not done at all

and its not like i dont have time, if i didnt waste time i had plenty to do everything nicely. this sem the only thing i have to do is study

i thought i finally made progress with healthier habits, exercise, eating healthy and no doom scrolling on instagram

but it has all just shown up in different forms, i binge watch youtube and prime shows. i've been completely ignoring acads. i skip exercising often. i skip taking a bath. today is 2 days since i took a bath. i delay even peeing as much as i can, sleep schedule is fucked up, i stay up till 5-6 am watching random shit, daydreaming, m***bating

just feel stuck, cant get up

am i depressed?

have also spent so much time daydreaming about a better life, where i'm less useless, i have a boyfriend, i'm good at things, good at studies, do great things in my career

the effort to achieve these things actually (if even possible), dont know if i have it in me, so much easier to just fantasize

who should i talk to about this

if i tell mom, she'll just say "stop wasting time then and study"

i dont know if this is actually a genuine struggle or my brain is just being lazy and using this as an excuse

i guess i should talk to a therapist, the hira one

i can get an online appointment

but what till then

BTP AAAAAAAAAA

really dont wanna fuck everything up

i feel like i'm in the stage right before shit hits the fan but unable to stop it

where is my free will, motivation

in the past, i was convincing myself to procrastinate and do something else, now i feel like even i'm not convinced and dont want to procrastinate but still just keep doing it

life feels like a tv series i'm watching, next episode keeps playing. i'm not enjoying it but i'm unable to stop and play something else.

i feel like i'm watching my life on crash course

even if i talk to a therapist idt the problems will magically go away, i will have to work on it, its gonna be difficult, its gonna hurt

Change happens when the pain of staying the same is greater than the pain of change

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abysmaldaemon · 11 months

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I..

I dont know why..im so angry, about what happened. It's my fault, really. This isn't..

I'm to blame. I, fucked up. Again. I think im angry at myself, and I take it out on others.

Heh, hahaha, I fucking THOUGHT I WAS DOING SO MUCH BETTER THAN WHEN I WAS ALONE FOR 5 YEARS. EACH FUCKING DAY WAS MISERY, EVERY SECOND OF EVERY AGONZING DAY I WANTED TO DIE.

Then you come into my fucking life and show me what REAL LOVE IS..hah, how..

How could I not fuck that up?

A damned soul, who blew out the blessing thats lit upon him. How.. how?! HOW?! HOW?! I THOUGHT I WAS DOING SO MUCH BETTER, AND YET I STILL HURT THE ONES I CARE ABOUT!!

I THOUGHT I LEARNED SO MUCH THROUGH THE PAIN, THE LONELINESS, THE HEARTBREAK!! I..

I did love you and care about you. To be honest I always knew I did in my own fucked up way. But I did, even if, it's not the way you wanted or what normal people would perceive love as. I worried about you, i wanted you to be happy, and still do. You still haunt my dreams, my thoughts. I wanted, so much for you, but when I was around you, I was nothing but selfish. These feelings of affection, love, and just basic fucking physcial contact like a hug, I was deprived of for so long. I mean what the fuck did I ever even do for you, seriously? I say I wanted all these things for you, and I DID BUT I DID NOTHING BUT TAKE. I thought..

I thought I was a better person. Why do I direct this anger at the people who don't deserve it when it's myself I'm angry with.

When it's my fault. Clearly, the 5 years of hating myself, hurting myself, wasn't enough. I told myself, every fucking GOD DAMN DAY I would never love anyone again for so fucking long. And you come and break down these walls I spent SO LONG BUILDING AROUND MYSELF..like it was fucking nothing.. I spent so long alone, in pain, suffering cause I didn't want to hurt anyone else and I fucking caved at the first person who actually treated me like I was..special hah. Like I wasn't a fucking piece of shit I knew I was and still am. I got so addicted to the affection you gave me, I slowly fell in love with each and every part of you. Flaws and all, I didn't care.

I, I, im so fucking sorry. It's my fault. It always my fucking fault. You deserve so much fucking better than me, I KNEW you did and I was STILL SO FUCKING SELFISH.

I haven't learned, a fucking thing. I fucking.....I fucking don't want to be alone again. I, I, I dont man. It's hard, it's so fucking god damn hard I can't I can't I can't I can't!!! I don't even know who the fuck I'm crying out for or why, it's my fucking fault, ITS ALWAYS MY FAULT AND I DONT FUCKING LEARN.

What is wrong with me...how, HOW CAN I BE SO FUCKING GOD DAMN STUPID BRO..

It's fucking insane..im fucking insane.

I can't do this anymore, I can't, I can't, I can't, I can't, I CANT. I CAN NO LONGER HIDE THIS PAIN, THIS FUCKING MISERY, AND AGONY THAT EATS AT ME EACH AND EVERY FUCKING DAY!! IM SO FUCKING PISSED OFF, IM SO FUCKING MAD, AND ITS ALL MY FUCKING FAULT..

Man, im so fucking selfish..im so fucking dumb. I hate myself...I hate myself so much I don't want to fall back into this hole, I dont, I dont, I dont, I dont, I dont..

I'm so sorry to not just you, but everyone...

I have done nothing but caused you and the past ones I've loved pain...and I never learned anything from it..

I can honestly say I'm ready, im so fucking ready to die. I do nothing for no one, I do nothing but cause pain. I've done nothing to help anyone. I haven't grown at all since highschool. I'm fucking useless. I told myself I was worthless than dirt for so long and that hasn't changed. Not one bit. I'm not sure when, and I'm not sure how. But hopefully soon, one day I will break. I already have such a hard time keeping the pain bottled up. I will break, and I will end my life. That is how I will go out. But until then, I will suffer. In this life for as long as I can and the many after it, for the pain I've caused to the ones I loved.

I will carve this into my soul. I will say this every second of every day until I pass.

"I will never love anyone, ever again. I will not get close to anyone. I will be alone, I will suffer alone, and I will die alone. Not for me, but for others. For the ones I've loved, the ones I hurt. I am undeserving of love.

I will kill myself. I will die and rot alone."

#kill me #E #redeath

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corneliaxrouge · 2 years

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Wedding day is coming

Been very busy with work and wedding stuff lately.

As per work, since we moved to our new office, my load got heavier and I dont have much time to pause. Ang daming ganap! Non stop meetings and research and analysis reports. Though kahit nakakapagod, it’s amusing at the same time because I learn a lot and I enjoy learning these new concepts and ideas.

Ang daming Math! Pero I survive pa rin through God’s grace! HAHA

Anyway, so I was also able to read my boss’ evaluation on me and it felt good. Umabot tayo sa above average remarks and analytical skills were good. Ang low points ko were leadership and communication skills which I know to myself na I really should improve pa on that.

In terms of socializing with my workmates, I enjoy being with my colleagues in our department. Most of us are on the same age and they are fun to be with. I’m able to be myself, and I spend less time on overthinking and over worrying about other people’s perception of me. I thank God that He gave me people that I can be very comfortable with.

So that’s it for the work stuff.

As for the wedding......

Well, it started pretty well. All things going smoothly. However, now that the event date becomes nearer, a lot of the little details starts to build up as pressure. I have a lot of issues with my family because they are very particular up to the last detail. Example, sabi kong rustic motif and smart casual, pero hirap na hirap silang magdecide ng isusuot nila. And parang problema ko pa kung bakit nahihirapan sila magdecide. haha Nagegets ko naman yong point nila pero at the same time, in my mind, kaya nga hindi na kami ng extravagant wedding para comfortable lang lahat, no pressure sa attire basta akma sa color pallette na we’ve sent them. it was all suppose to be chill. Pero meron talagang mga tao na hindi kaya mag chill. And to no surprise, family ko yong ganon. Yong lahing praning. Haha

I’m not mad with them. I know that they mean well however kulit they are. And I expected this naman. Because there’s no wedding without any issues naman. I just need to lift it up to the Lord and surrender all worries, anxieties and pressures to Him. I know na He is always by my side and that His plan will always be better than mine.

Additional life update, I’m happy na I’m able to serve the church we go to. Being part of the multimedia team enables me to give more to the Lord and use the skills He had given me to further spread His Word. Blessed to be given this opportunity!

Anyway, that’s it. Sana sipagin ulit ako mag update ng account na to next time.

I think, reason why I feel the need to post less kasi whenever there’s strong emotion, I have God and I have Josh to whom I can share intimate details with. So, before ko pa ma-open any social media account, I dont feel a great need na to express things online.

Lastly siguro, this is just to remind myself someday when I read all posts in this account. Gurl! Ang mahal ng bilihin ngayon! Hahaha But do not regret any food that you ate, any experience or celebration you spent money with! God never fails to provide what you need. Hindi ka gumastos sa mga useless stuff if yon ang thinking mo right now. Whatever you bought, you sure needed it right at that moment!

Until next post!

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vinegar-doppio-official · 2 years

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i feel like such an asshole but my partner/roommate allowed his cousin to stay over again (she had come by last month, stayed the Entire day by herself here, spent the night, and left the morning after) and the same arrangement happened this time, including the fact she slept on my bed, on my sheets, used my television, my playstation, my bathroom (shower, shower rugs and my SOAP), ate from our food (opening sealed packages) etc etc etc. Fuck it i mean its just one day and one night right?? Wroooong. Well, right, because thats what it was, but I was so pissed off this time:

I have no clue what brain cell she’s missing but she took the longest shower of the century AND flooded my bathroom enough to leave my rugs sopping wet (and i know it was long because my own towel was moist as FUCK when we came back at night from work like??? BITCH MY BILLS). She used MY SOAP and she rendered it assunder I have no fucking clue HOW but she legit dissolved literal more than HALF of it in one shower when it usually barely looks like any of it dissolved?? and i clean thoroughly every day loofah and all sooo? WHAT DID SHE DO TO IT?? Bring your own oh my god that shit was almost new and I bought it with my own fucking money.

She also cooked her lunch on our kitchen and she poured like actual fucking 500 ml of pure oil on my pan to fry something, while the frying pot was RIGHT THERE AND ALREADY HAD OIL, and this pisses me the fuck off because oil is EXPENSIVE AS ALL SHIT and i had to go somewhere farther away to buy this giga bottle and she OPENED IT WHILE IT WAS SEALED STILL and didnt fucking think to tell me she had done this so when i did the dishes this afternoon i POURED ALL OF THAT OIL DOWN THE FUCKING DRAIN BECAUSE I THOUGHT IT WAS WATER ON THAT BLACK PAN. I THOUGHT. IT WAS WATER. I EXPERIENCED SO MUCH GRIEF NOTICING THE OIL SEPARATING FROM THE WATER IN THE SINK I NEARLY HAD A REAL LIFE HEART ATTACK OH MY GODDD!!!

Also last night we paid for her dinner and mcdonalds is expensive as shit here and you know who wont be paying their share lol. Also every night me and my partner watch something, and we started watching the Hannibal series and he had told me he was super looking forward to continue watching it cause the first episode really interested him (and i was so happy cause its my favorite series basically) but of course we had to watch it with her sitting between the two of us and she kept!! TALKING. JUST FUCKING INTERRUPTING to make the most useless questions ever. She was like “oh its true this is based on that one lambs movie?” and i was like ‘um. (looks between the tv and her) ok um. these are novels? but I yeah kinda’ and then kept pointing at Will like “so is that hannibal?” and generally making it so the mood fully shifted to “i have no clue whats going on lol” like. guess why. go on and guess why. If you dont listen to the dialogue you wont understand anything. wow. And when i guess she realized i wanted to beat the shit outta her because i met her attempts at conversation with utter silence, she started checking instagram stories full blast volume next to me and i swear i probably slow panned towards her phone with the most hateful expression ever cause my partner had to tell her later on to apologize for whatever the fuck i was upset by from all her existence in our living space.

I honestly just got up to shower and sleep in his room after that, expecting her to be gone by morning cause today was my day off, and this CHICK. THIS.... INDIVIDUAL. Stayed until 2 pm while i was uncomfortable as shit because i wanted to use my bathroom and use my closet and MAYBE, JUST MAYHAPS use my tv and play some games?? on my day off?? because i have a schedule i like to keep, and playing in the morning is what i do before chores and she ruined everything literally soured the only fucking day off i have during the week and i wanna kill her horribly and then myself jesus fucking christ and the worst thing is she isnt even a bitch or evil or a cunt shes just fucking stupid and naive and apologizes for everything so i feel like a horrible person but shes just too much!!!!! I cant fucking stand her.

Also yeah Im gonna give my buddy here a piece of my mind as well because he’s too much of a detached and carefree mf like to notice these types of things or even be mad at it (he’ll probably meet my argument about the oil with ‘bah, it’s just a few dollars, don’t you have a few dollars?’ and it’ll be the same with the soap, even if he agrees he dislikes having her here. He’s just weird.

And to think she literally harrassed him weeks back because she desperately wanted to leave her home and come move in with us like oh my god i think if she does it i will literaly throw myself out this 20 story window. No kidding. I would rather splatter against the sidewalk before having to put up with her stupidity on the daily. Nevermind the savings, we wont be actually saving any money cause even if its rent split between 3 people instead of 2, itd still be paying for her hot water because she wastes more water than even her friggin cousin, who already showers long, and it’d be impossible to truly quantify how much she is wasting as opposed to me, who willfully suffers through the process of only using water to moisten and rinse, not sit there and dissociate into the netherverse, for the sake of money saving.

End rant. I do feel a little better lol

#personal #rant #raaaaaAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAnt #im PISSED OFF

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jxpcloud · 2 years

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sad nerd that complains alot (manuscript)

(main cam-right infront of me) i didnt think i had a future

(far off) that was sad and we arent even five seconds in

(main cam) okay yeah fair

( far off) make a joke

(main cam) *dramatic silence* your mum...im so sorry

i wont lie i am no where near whatever a complete life is and feeling completely satisfied with myself i dont even know who i am and what im living for and yet i am dawned with the fact i need to live and become something. okay so thats bullshit right? im seventeen and any adult will completely dismiss my feelings for i am just a child. and i am, im scared to talk to srangers and get anxiety cross the road. i still hold my dads hand

(far off) thats because you have issues

(main cam) the point is im a child and a "mid life crisis" is something i have been told im no where near. but im also forced to get a job and drive a car and i have to actually think about my future. by the way 17yo should not be on the road most dont know the difference between their, there and theyre and barely look whie crossing the road and youre trusting your life with them? no thanks thats too much for me. so what am i feeing? well just the exerstential dread that my life wont amount to anything and everything i do is completely useless. im not insainly good at anything nor a child prodagy and i need medication in order to function cause this happens when i dont

(imput me chopping off my hair)

(far off) that was dumb

(main cam) im just trying to do something creative while i feel like my world crumples around me and channel something interesting....maybe

a guide to being happy from a sad nerd that complains alot

firstly take your meds

(far off) you are a mess without them

(main cam) like the true incel i am i dont know what true happiness is, i get that seritonin from seeing cute cats online or post nut i dont really feel happy ever *long puse* christ that was dark. anyway wiki how is a great place it comes with pictures *moan*

creating a positive mindset

*while i talk create a comfy bed setting* view your mind like a home, not so much as a mind palace like the hippy dippy inspirational people say but like a cozy atmosphere. youd want it to be comfy and happy filled with cuddly soft teddies and fair lights and its fragil. then a boldozer kinda just kills it and thats every negative self talk "im ugly, im gross, they hate me, im never going to do anything in my life, i am the worst" you spent so much time building your little home for yourself to ruin it. you can re-build. what i was told when i was younger was that those sort of things make you stronger, like when you were too little to be mean or hurt yourself but others did, they were the ones ruining your little home, maybe it did make you stronger, maybe you were able to re-build better than before. but maybe you didnt want to, you didnt care and now that your older you still dont care and your the one hurting yourself. i think it takes alot to truly admit you are the cause of your own sadness. be nice to yourself, you woke up, its enough.

(far off) that was sappy

(main cam) its weirdly important, and once you maybe clean up your cozy mind palace youll clean your physical space *rips blankets to reveal cups and plates* it was a mistake getting a bigger bed i can just hide things now

(far off) you are disgusting

(main cam) no i am healing *please dont do this purposely there is a weird smell*

being your best self

(main cam) what the ever loving fuck does that mean. my best self? the best self my friends want? the facade i put on at family gatherings? or truly accepting myself for who i am

(far off) obviously that one

(main cam) listen, not to get too trauma dumpy, i dont know who i am. this has been the stuggle for a while. what makes me me? how am i a person? how do i have thoughts and feelings as a clump of cells aimlessly floating around and drinking an unhealthy amount of caffeen alright what is that. sometimes it scares me that i am infact a human with thoughts and feelings cause i spend so much time pusinging them away that when my own cat decided to cuddle with me the overwheling amount of feelings is not normal. im the one you chose? you want to be with me? my presence makes you happy? this is safe to assume it doesnt just go for my cat but here we are. anyway, what makes me me, in order to accept it, i need to understand it. to put it simply, im not a girl, big shock, im also gay, bigger shock. men MMMMM but when im a man MMMM the gender euphoria chef kiss man muwah that shit good. what else is there? our society is so obsessed with sex and gender and dont get me wrong im proud to be surrounded by queer activists cause its important but who am i? who are you? who is anyone but npcs just kinda existing in my fabricated world ive cuccooned myself in.....but i have a cool ass sword so am i better than you?yes unless you have two cool ass swords

(far off) you scumbag

(main cam) im not here to tell you who you are or what you like. you may not even know it but deep down you get excited by bubbles, or that game youre weirdly obsessed with or maybe you have an actual hobby that makes you go outside, nether the less its there, obvious or not you are a person on this earth and you will enjoy something even if its my little pony porn i dont know but you like something. and to be your best self just chill and do more of what you like cause honestly if you dont like it its not worth it, life is too short. dont make it shorter, learn from someone who tired...i havent found happiness yet but i deserve to take up space and use it however i want, im living out of spite for the moment, whatever works

live your truth

socail media is a great place, but it influences how you feel, after touturing myself online for years i have finally accepted this. it is self destructive behavour to look at things online and be sad. does this mean im going to quit the internet and live my truth in a little forest and be the goblin boy ive always dreamed of no i like it too much and honestly my sensory issues could not with dirt, i need a weighted blanket to sleep i am quite needy. but living my truth means social media breaks arent jsut things for children. and maybe going to sleep at a normal hour and stop playing so much video games and go outside but one step at a time. i want to truly make myself feel happy and doing the mundane tasks that come with that which i do often neglect. due to poor mental helth, wich circles back to having poor higene and makes me feel crappy and its an endless loop really. but whats important is that you woke up today and really thats what matters

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