#i only want a better life

[uncanny-tranny]

I think so many people are so deeply alienated from themselves that they have no clue how to exercise their free will and autonomy. For some, this alienation runs so deep that they are afraid of their own autonomy and humanity. It is completely understandable why one would have those feelings, but it can be worrisome.

I want to help others who feel this way, so here are small things I have done to exercise my free will:

Add "guilty pleasure" songs to playlists and actually listen to them (I have a ton of late 1990s-early 2000s music I listen to now proudly that I never listened to in the past out of shame)

Getting the décor item, bath set, bed spread, ect. in the patterns you like, even if it's "childish" (I got a dinosaur-themed wastebasket from the kids' décor section and I adore it)

Taking a new route to get to a place you go to often

Eat dessert first

Celebrate well, and often

Collect things that are "odd" or don't seem like an "acceptable" thing to collect (somebody on my "for you" page collects dandelion crayola crayons and it was so cool!!!!!!)

Incorporate one new piece in an outfit you wear frequently (e.g., a new chain, a necklace, ribbons, bracelets, ect.). Challenge yourself to add onto the outfits if you feel up for it.

Sing along to songs without worrying that you sound "good" or your intonation is completely accurate

Read a book from a genre you weren't allowed to read as a kid (comics, thrillers, mysteries, anything!)

Walk without having a specific destination or goal

Pick up a new craft without expecting yourself to master it or to ever be "good" enough. Get your hands messy.

I don't want to shame anybody for not feeling as though they have free will or that they are exempt from exercising it. However, I wanted to give ideas so that you might read this list and find your own ways to express your intrinsic autonomy and will. You deserve to be a person, to feel alive, not just living. That is what our lives are for.

#mental health #mental health support #positivity #if anybody has ideas of their own definitely include them! #i just think being stuck with this feeling that you don't have autonomy and that you ultimately aren't an equal person or a person at all.. #...in comparison to other people can be a really troubling and dangerous place to be in... #...and that isn't the person's fault for feeling that way. they didn't pluck those thoughts out of thin air... #...like i have felt that exact way all my LIFE because i have been abused for. probably 2/3s of my life... #...only within these past few years have i even FELT alive. frankly it's going to take a while to repair what i have been left with... #...so i know the feeling and i want to help others feel even a LITTLE bit alive. you deserve it... #...you deserve to take in a deep breath before slowly realizing 'oh my gd this is what it feels like to be alive' and SMILE about it #i want that for you even if it is brief. even if it is small. even if it is a whisper. i want you to feel alive #unironically getting rid of the idea of 'guilty pleasures' has made my life SO much better

[secretmellowblog]

My husband is a man who collects things he can use. A pistol, a pocket-watch, a woman's love, a wife....

I'm obsessed with That Scene(tm) between Katya and Andrei in the California Director's Cut Rerelease of Goncharov, so I did a lighting study inspired by the film's Art Deco Posters! Little details like Katya never referring to her husband by his first name really add to Andrey and Katya's tense dynamic, which is one of the most underrated parts of the movie imo.

#Like? The way that Katya and Andrei both clearly envy each other #and resent each other for living the life they want to live #both of them clearly thinking-- if only I was in your shoes! I would live your life better #Andrei desperately wanting to be Goncharov's closest confidant (and lover) #Katya envying Andrei's freedom and closeness with Sofia #Andrei doesn't see how Katya's life stifles her and Katya doesn't see how Andrei's 'freedom' is an illusion #goncharov #unreality #gonchposting #katya goncharova #andrei daddano #my art #secretmellowart

[jewishrevolutionary]

Poverty is not actively recognized in our country nor in the discussions of politics, and I feel deeply hurt and demotivated because of it, especially as someone who has been forced to live in the lowest sectors of it. It ends up being a discussion only used as a trump card, not a regular talking point that needs to be actively recognized. Milenials and Gen Z is the most in poverty, despite all the opportunities people had in college or elsewhere.

Ever since I got kicked out of my parents home, I have moved to the slummiest parts of my state's capital and I live in this shitty, broken down apartment that has lead paint in certain areas, mold in (possibly) the floor, the walls, the ceilings, and other areas. Our bathroom sink and toilet barely work, the refrigerator is broken down, and for the first 6 months, the lock to our front door was completely broken.

In all of that, I and my boyfriend have gone through a plethora of jobs. My boyfriend started talking about unionizing in his first job, got fired almost immediately. His second and third job was too stressful to keep up with mentally. And only now did he get a job that only gave him part time hours.

My first job was too far away to keep working in and they didnt even respect me for all the shitty work they put me through when we only had a skeleton crew. My second job, i got fired for taking a very small tip from someone. And the job Im currently working for is full of shitheads who've gotten recently promoted and are barking and kneeling for the owner and his shitty decisions. (For example, we had a foot and a half of snow and everyone avoided the topic of closing early and shamed me and another coworker for not coming in when it was too unsafe for either of us to leave) I also broke down sobbing during a stressful rush and was blamed for not communicating with my manager about the rush.

Either way, regardless of my own treatement and how much I can tell you about the treatment of my boyfriend at his workplaces, we're still in deep poverty and our rent is going to definitely increase, with the fact that we dont have a car yet that can help get us to and from places. And this constant feeling of dread that I cant escape this has made me so much more less hopeful than I was before.

I have nearly lost my faith in leftist/communist/anarchist movements because there is zero groups in sight in my state and anywhere near where I live. I have tried getting financial help by setting up GoFundMe's, public kofi's or anything. And the constant struggling and difficulty with my recent schedules have made it impossible for me to engage in any of my own artistic interests becsuse of the sheer amount of demotivation I've been through.

I want to be happy, I want to live a fulfilled life, but I dont want to be stuck under this constantly pressuring system that will harm me for not having *credit* and being a young adult.

I need money for a car, but no one is willing to spare because I'm seen as too young and inexperienced. I need credit for getting an apartment, getting a car, getting ANYWHERE, and I fear debt like no one else in the world.

And it has only made me more and more hopeless, because this a problem that is seemingly everywhere, but Americans dont talk about. They wont support each other through it, and I and my boyfriend have talked to people, have tried getting support, but we only get scoffs, angry mullings about making sure we make our own lives better, and advice that gets us nowhere. My boyfriend was told by everyone except his immediate family that trying to unionize was dumb and would have only led to his firing. That he needed to just suck it up and get better.

I want to have hope in people, but this last year has been so dejecting for me and my hope. I dont know what to do anymore. It hurts me a lot that there isnt anything for me to do. I, my boyfriend, and their sibling might become homeless because of the rent increase in the next 3 months, and I feel too dejected to even ask for money anymore because I know no one has money anymore.

I'm just going to end off on the note that I'm not planning anything. I just am going to survive. And if anyone wants to help, I just need help with saving up for a car so send me a DM or something. I have about 1200 between me and my boyfriend.

And be sure to ask everyone you know about their situation, be sure to help as many people as you can. I've been doing it despite my poverty, and it's because I have money to spend for myself that I know would be used better. It only takes a little to make people hopeful, and doing nothing makes them lose their hope.

#landlords #capitalism #socialism #communism #anarchism #anarchy #support #labor movement #labor #labor rights #labor law #labor and employment #i hate it so much #i hate myself #i wish this was a joke #i only want a better life #people avoid the topic of poverty too much and its nothing i ever notice in any sort of political discussion #laborers are in poverty #everyone who makes your mcchicken or pizzas that you order out from are being cut off from basic decency #and depression has us racked too much to care #antifa #antifaschistische aktion #anti capitalism #trans rights #anti imperialism #anticommunism #antiunion #pro union #union

[nerdpoe]

Jason agrees to go through the legal hassle of being declared alive again. Mostly so he can go to college like how he wanted.

He would have done it under a fake ID, but he kinda wanted the success of having a Masters in English attached to the name he grew up with.

It's going pretty great, actually! He's making friends, gets to punch random paparazzi's in the face, and learning has always been fun for him.

But one of his college friends, Danny Fenton, is...weirdly obsessed with Wayne Manor?

Jason gets it, he does, the Manor is huge and of course the guy would want to see it as often as he could.

Then he starts to realize that Danny is strangely attentive to Bruce.

Like, actually flirting with Bruce.

Oh no his college friend, who is his age, is flirting with Bruce so hard it's making Bruce blush.

OR; Danny thinks Bruce is hot, and that the outraged faces of the man's children as Danny flirts with him are hilarious. Also Jason started it by trying to flirt with Danny's mom when he met Danny.

#dcxdp #dpxdc #dp x dc #dc x dp #phanfic #story prompt #danny started flirting with bruce out of spite #because he wanted to show jason how uncomfortable it was #but it's turned into actual flirting #bruce is actively flustered this young man is only 20 #the best part for danny #worst part for everyone else #is when jason tells him that bruce isn't a good idea for reasons he can't say #and danny just #“oh the dressing up like a bat thing? i've seen weirder” #tertiary good thing from this though #is how ABSOLUTELY HORRIFIED VLAD IS #“daniel i know your life is your own but BRUCE WAYNE? REALLY? YOU CAN DO SO MUCH BETTER DANIEL-”

[ranna-alga]

"Do the Evolution" - Pearl Jam

#ranna word dumping #this specific lyric of the song reminded me soooo much of dutch/john and hosea/arthur #obviously john is very different from dutch but i think there is a reason why he was considered to be dutch's favourite son #john seems closer to dutch in a similar way arthur is with hosea but in a different manner i think. there is obviously a tension present #dutch is observant but only when he wants to be (otherwise i think he would have kicked micah out of the gang a long time ago) #john is just observant. he saw first-hand what happened in blackwater and is sus of dutch throughout the rest of the game #he isnt as dumb or slow as he calls himself #i read a meta about it and it explains it 1000x better than i can #as for hosea/arthur the parallels are already obvious enough #also i am quite a fan of pearl jam so teehee i had to make the selfish parallel #might make more like this idk #rdr #rdr2 #red dead redemption #red dead redemption 2 #arthur morgan #rdr2 arthur morgan #dutch van der linde #rdr2 dutch van der linde #john marston #rdr2 john marston #hosea matthews #rdr2 hosea matthews #outlaws for life #pearl jam

[respectthepetty]

If I saw this man, I'd just leave my whole entire life behind and walk away defeated.

He is sexier than Top.

He is smarter than Mew.

He is greedier than Boston.

He is more aware than Nick.

He is more possessive than Ray.

And Sand is still upset over losing him. WHICH MAKES SENSE!

You know when the Power Rangers all came together to make that one big Ranger? BOEING IS THE BIG RANGER!

He is BETTER than all of them combined.

Not even Chuem's constant belittling would affect this man. If Cheum even looked in his direction, he'd probably steal April from her.

He wears yellow. He wears glasses. He is a plant daddy.

I want him carnally. I want to look at him disrespectively. I want him to push me into a locker just so I can say he touched me. I want him to treat me like trash. I want him to ruin my life.

Laws of Attraction gave me the first perfect character in Nawin, and now Ninew and Jojo have created the second perfect character.

No notes.

Just deranged lust.

Don't save me. I don't wanna be saved.

#Mond Tanutchai #Boeing is a God and I will pray to him every day #only friends #only friends the series #he is better than all of them combined #only Sand can defeat him #but is he strong enough? #Not if he was worse about Boeing than he is about Ray #don't save me #I don't wanna be saved #I want this man to ruin my life

[heartorbit]

a mob of emus for an artstyle game on twt! ^_^

#project sekai #emu otori #the usernames are all their public twts so if you use that evil platform check out their art ^_^ #many of them are on here with the same users even.. be gone from my sight vile bird #the one on the bottom right is Mine but ive never had an artstyle in my life so it may not be obvious to the viewers. sorry. #pjsk #prsk #proseka #only my beautiful mutuals beautiful art can make me do LINEART #i was going to ask on here but realized i dont have mutuals bc this is a side blog. sniffle. hell on earth #I dont have much to scream in the tags. semester is almost over. Im sleepy. I designed emu a huge seord for an assignment #but the 3d model turned out Bad. it looks ok from the top but you turn it and see Problems. #its been a month or so since i modelled that and i have gotten better so i want to try again with no time crunch + pressure #its a fun looking sword. magical girl sword type shit #EVERY TIME I THINK ABOUT THE LITTLE PRINCE WXS STUFF I END UP AWAKE UNTIL 3AM BECAUse it GETS TO ME #WAAAAAAAAAUHGH. I HAVE CLASS IN 11 HOURS #GOODNIGHT. IT WILL BE AS IF ALL THE STARS WERE LAUGHING. #oh my god wait i did this this weekend bc i was like yaay i have a weekend without any assignments due #I just forgot abt one. Bc my email hasnt been working properly and didnt send me the reminder for it. i will spend my tuesdah drawing a gun

[poorly-drawn-mdzs]

Izutsumi character study

#dungeon meshi #izutsumi #One of my goals for this year was to spend more time doing art studies. #What better way to start than with my favourite danmeshi character (not seen: a whole page of figuring out her features) #I feel like she is by far one of the most poorly understood characters in the series. Partially due to her 'late party member' status. #'She's abrasive and mean' - 'she's a picky eater' - 'she's a catgirl who acts like an asshole cat ' YES and that is the point! #Everyone in dungeon meshi is traumatized and messy about it but izutsumi is just less polite in how she tries to cope. #Izutsumi is a extremely traumatized teenager who has utterly lacked autonomy her entire life. #She is the epitome of a “If I can just have X thing then all my problems will be solved!” character. And the X is 'Freedom'. #Her epilogue was one of the best and wrapped up her character so wonderfully (WARNING: I WILL NOW SPOIL PART OF THE ENDING) #Because she finally gets her freedom! She can go where she wants to and she doesn't need anybody! Yet...it doesn't fix her. #She is so focused on doing only what she wants that she forgets her own needs. Sometimes you have to eat the things you don't want. #And sometimes you have to face the hard truths that you need more than just one thing to make you happy. #Life is not all about only seeking pleasures and avoiding pain. You need to be balanced in order to grow. #Eat your vegetables (including the metaphorical ones: I am eating more art veggies this year by doing art studies!!!)

[darlingod]

The Cruel Prince Ch.26

Cardan:

#LMFAOOO he’s like u want some more of thissss #Cardan: there is only one thing that could be better than my life #Cardan: is she thinking what I’m thinking #Cardan: are you sure 🫣you brought me here👀just to talk😎 #SORRY FOR ANOTHER JOHN GIF #HIS ARE JUST GOLD😭😭 #and I kinda have a crush on him so #also this was in my queue I’m so sorry for all the posts #jude duarte #the cruel prince #cardan greenbriar #jurdan #splendid #frame rate slick #quality fresh

[wasyago]

Penitence

@silverskye13

#:')👍 #his hair is a mess and his life is too. this is funny because its true #<- this was the alternative caption but i went with the chapters name instead #tanguish lost his spiky spines unfortunately because i forgot them originally and then didn't want to change the pose to fit them😔 #also congrats me i only cried once while drawing! its hard to cry when you're trying to render a shirt #uhhh. wanted to say something else but i can't remember what...... #oh well #redstone and skulk #helsknight #tanguish #my art #yago but better

[i-am-l-ananas]

just because your peers are reaching “life milestones” before you doesn’t mean you’re falling behind in life. You’re not behind in life. You’re not you’re not you’re not you’re not and maybe someday you’ll believe it

#one of those nights folks! #I know when and if a person reaches so called life milestones is arbitrary!!! But why am I so behind??? #it’s just. more people I grew up with are getting married and having kids #I don’t even think I want kids!! #it’s just that it goes along with them having the relationships and stability to do so!! #and I’m envious of that! #and it’s pathetic that I still blame all the bullying I went through for my lack of relationships when I know it’s really my own fault #for not bettering myself and going out and meeting people and instead waiting for a future where I’m no longer disgusted with my body #ack sorry if you opened the tags only to be slapped in the face with vent #it be like this sometimes

[abrahamvanhelsings]

the hitch in van helsing's words when he says "i beseech you" im going to cry for real this time. it's not even simply that he knows how important it is that he gets arthur to trust him, that he's conscious of their duty to all living souls and lucy herself to do this to her and how difficult this will be physically and emotionally. it's that arthur now distrusts him, cries at him in anger - arthur, the man who looks like his lost son and whom he loves because of it. the man whose love and respect he may now never get back after suggesting mutilating lucy's corpse. he isn't just desperate for all the men in that room to trust him so they can give lucy peace and keep the living safe. that's the sacrifice of his father's heart splitting in two right there. wtf alan burgon.

#alan burgon owns my fucking life fr every time i think it can't get better and then he's on the next ep and it's like #*holding my heart in his hand* if i squeeze like this i can wring every single emotion you've ever experienced out of you all at once #i had to pause then relisten then pause again b4 continuing #of course arthur forgives him in the end! but vh doesn't know that while he's suggesting this! #he goes up to arthur and suggests cutting off the head of his fiancée and he has to completely depend on his powers of persuasion #(which are off the charts but that's neither here nor there) #what if arthur didn't want to come. he'd only be able to do to lucy what has to be done by dishonouring whatever trust arthur has left #and in any case arthur would always think him mad and awful and never forgive him for anything #i am back on my vh bullshit (i was never off it) yes im being overly dramatic abt it. don't care. #dracula #dracula daily #re: dracula

[lollytea]

I need to watch Sharpay's Fabulous Adventure to reach my final conclusion on if she's even attracted to men

#girl help i keep thinking about sharpay and ryan being each others only friend growing up #theyre not very good at interpersonal relationships #romance is foreign to them. they dont care about playing romantic interests because they only view romance through the lens of theatre #fake. not real. an act to entertain an audience. so they dont understand why it would be weird #neither of them have ever kissed anyone #sharpay likes things that make her look better #because her whole life is a performance #so she wants troy because hes a shiny accessory to her #thinking about hsm 2 where once again when she tries to perform a romantic song (with troy this time and not her brother) #she still barely fucking looks at him #all of her attention is on the (nonexistent) audience #and ryan. ryan hm #ryan usually performs alongside sharpay #its usually an in universe performance. theyre on a stage. theres an audience #and all of his attention is on pleasing that audience #an exception to this is during the gay baseball song #where theres a different kind of audience BUT #ryan barely looks at them #most of his attention is directed solely to chad #talking flirting teasing being cocky and annoying but clearly addressing him directly through most of the song #first time this has happened with ryan. take that as you will #ANYWAY i can see sharpay as completely uninterested in romance but she hasnt realized that about herself #and she THINKS she wants it. because she sees it as glamorous #or maybe shes a lesbian i dont know #she might be a lesbian #the deciding factor is sharpays fabulous adventure #if she has chemistry with the guy in that movie then shes just repressed and clueless #if she doesnt shes aro #or possibly lesbian

[eliseliedl]

*huge spoilers for Little Goody Two Shoes + Pocket Mirror*

now that Little Goody Two Shoes is finally out, we know the whole truth about the deal Elise made with the demon, and how she got the Pocket Mirror...

so one of the requierements for Elise's wish to come true was to sacrifice "the good company" which is basically, the love of her life (which she found out too late...). she was too naïve to realize she was being played and so her loved one was fed to the demon.

now, we know the girl who is canonically sacrificed is Rozenmarine (and therefore, the canon girl out of the three you can date in LGTS) because one of the wax records you can listen in Pocket Mirror says this:

and in the ending called "Moira" from LGTS (which is the one you get when you choose to date Rozenmarine and sacrifice her) you get the following dialogue:

and on top of that, this is the only ending that explains how Elise got the Pocket Mirror for Goldia...

which is from her friend Lebkuchen, who is also one of the romanceable girls in the game and unfortunately, it is confirmed their friendship is broken by then :(

so yeah. now we also know who the pocket mirror belongs to.

Elise's backstory is more heartbreaking than i originally thought when i played Pocket Mirror. In that game, the whole deal thing sounded like she did it out of pure greediness without thinking about the consequences of her actions. and yeah, she was an idiot for falling for such an obvious trap, BUT she was also a very young and naïve girl who absolutely hated her life, and so when she had the opportunity to leave that life behind she just took it. and when Ozzy (that is, the demon) told her he would take something else in exchange for that, she just came up with something she was sure would never happen.

it was never her intention to doom Goldia. hell it was never her intention to even have a second kid after she had Henri. but her fate was already sealed.

and thus, that's how Goldia's fate came to be...

also rip Rozenmarine :(

#i wonder what happened to freya she is the only one not mentioned in the canon ending #i suppose she never wanted to see elise again. just like lebkuchen #it's so sad ugh elise whyyyyyyyyyyyy #well at least we have the good endings even if they're not canon #i got my good ending with freya and i loved it. #it's good to see what would have happened had elise decided to build her own life with her loved one by her side #hundred times better than what she actually did... #anyway enough rambling. play pocket mirror is what i'm saying! #little goody two shoes #lgts spoilers #little goody two shoes spoilers #pocket mirror spoilers #pocket mirror

[lambmotifz]

thinking about how sam’s devotion to dean is inseparable from his masochism

#they were insane for mitski i don't smoke vibes in s2. in s5 too #it’s the way he says “if you wanna take another swing…go ahead. if that’ll make you feel better” in such soft almost loving voice #almost urging dean to do it #not only because he genuinely wants to make dean feel better but also because secretly he craves dean’s hands on him #also thinking about the fact that he sacrifices himself in swan song because he wants to redeem himself in dean’s eyes #despite the fact that it wasn’t his fault in the first place because he was possessed & manipulated his whole life #wincest #samdean #sam winchester #dean winchester #spn

[uncanny-tranny]

Something that actually helped me feel less suicidal was accepting that I will likely always be suicidal. That sounds counterproductive to some, but I felt so guilty about having it "so good," yet still being suicidal. I felt guilty for what I felt, and I felt selfish for going through so much and being affected by it in a stigmatized way. Now that I accepted this part of myself instead of shoving it away, I appreciate the things that make me want to live. I do want to live, but I also want to change my circumstances to make my life easier, even if it won't magically change my deeper feelings.

Sometimes, you will never stop being suicidal, and you know what? You are allowed to make your peace with that without stopping the emotions or without demonizing yourself or being demonized for it. This might not help everyone, but I always think offering different modes of thought and different ways of seeing to be beneficial in making sure we actually take care of suicidal people in non-stigmatizing and compassionate ways.

#mental health #mental health support #suicide #suicide tw #suicide mention tw #and i don't want to be told 'oh you'll feel better magically! you'll get over those things!' #the things that put me in this spot were deep abuse and torment. that's not going to magically get better and that's OKAY #people are afraid of things not getting better completely but that's sometimes reality #and you don't need to feel guilted or shamed about it #i only started moving on with my life when i accepted the idea that i know i'm not going to be neurotypical and Okay #i only started moving on when i COULD move on #just something i thought about on my way to work but... it's important to me