#i know plenty of people do that it just wasnt sustainable for me personally

[stayatsam]

i wish i could quit my job and go back to school

#sam crying #i withdrew from grad school bc i was unhappy with my program and was miserable working full time with it #i know plenty of people do that it just wasnt sustainable for me personally

[normal-thoughts-official]

Since no one talks about it and everyone is hellbent over "good parent Asmodeus" I wanna know your take on the abuse and manipulation asmodeus did on Magnus... Both before the show timeline and during it it is a simple request no pressure hbhby

hoo boy okay let's buckle up for this i guess. warning for emotional, psychological and physical child abuse ahead everybody, stay safe

seriously im halfway through writing this answer now and this got very very dark so like if these are triggering to you, please skip this one

okay so as all abusers i think that asmodeus was a master at using Magnus' previous trauma, ie his mum's and stepfather's death, against him. Magnus had just lost the person he loved most, almost been murdered, and killed his abuser, as well as losing everything - he couldn't support himself and i have the feeling that he was so terrified after his stepfather's murder, so convinced he was a monster for it, hell, he still is even in show canon, he might have just fled. and then we have a homeless Magnus living on the streets, guilty and terrified and utterly alone

and he's convinced that his mum's death is his fault, his stepfather told him so, said he was a monster, a demon, and that's why she had killed herself. and then he murdered his stepfather, thus, in his head, becoming the exact monster his mum feared. his mum was right. he was a monster. a murderer. a demon. he was everything he feared and she hated him and she was right to hate him, too-

and i think asmodeus deliberately waited until he was at his limit to show up. i mean he's gotta have been keeping tabs on Magnus, he was his all powerful son after all, his heir, his weapon. there's no way asmodeus didn't know exactly what was happening, and i think that he deliberately waited until Magnus was within an inch of his life, exhausted, starving, almost depleted of magic, shivering and cold and crying alone on the street, before showing up. so Magnus wouldnt question him. so Magnus would feel indebted to him. so Magnus would feel like he needs him

and when he does rescue Magnus, boy, he makes this whole show of taking him somewhere safe, giving him plenty of water and endless food, covering him in blankets and getting him nice feeling clothes, cleaning him - just the most and best of everything, to really emphasize the difference, really make it seem terrifying to ever be away from him again, when clearly, without him, he was nothing

and asmodeus would have explained it all to him, say that his stepfather was right, he was a demon, like asmodeus was. Magnus would be so scared, "he tried to kill me," and he'd be almost flippant about it, "oh, mundanes. it's what they do. they hate us." he'd thwarp what happened with the stepfather deeply in Magnus' head, make it seem like his stepfather's abusive behavior was normal, just what they always did, and that magnus' anger over it, his righteous anger, born of fear, and the need to survive, was an overreaction. the proof of his demonic heritage - of the evil inside of him. proof that he was the same as asmodeus, that he should turn his back to his humanity

and Magnus is confused, and hurt, and scared, because simultaneously his stepfather was bad and tried to kill him and that is proof that he can't trust mundanes and that asmodeus is all he has- but he also didn't hurt Magnus all the other times before, he never mistreated him, all these times he hit him or his mum and called them dirty and disgusting, no, that was nothing much, that was normal. it was magnus' anger that was out of place, proof that he was a monster, was a demon, was like asmodeus. should stay with him

we know that asmodeus wanted Magnus because with his magic he could have even stronger power blah blah blah so im guessing that asmodeus' plan was basically to train Magnus, bring him to his side, wait until he was mature and strong, and then try to defeat Lilith? so for that to have you know not happened Magnus would have to have banished him when he was still a kid, but anyway, that's another can of worms and I'll get to that (probably)

so he needs to turn Magnus away from the mundane world, make him want to come to edom, possibly convince him that he cant be happy in edom because Lilith wont help him, and then have him kill Lilith? and so he has to convince Magnus that mundanes are bad, going to hurt him, and that he doesnt belong with them, and so that's the narrative that he builds, normalizing his stepfathers' behavior, reminding him that even his mum didnt love him, because he wasn't a person, wasnt human, and they'd never love him as he was, and he didn't love them, either. no matter how much magnus' heart ached for his mum, and his friends, and his dukun tutor, asmodeus kept telling him that he didn't love them, couldn't have, because he was a demon, and they were beneath him. and if Magnus asked too many questions, got too confused, fought that idea too much, he'd lash out, scream, almost burn Magnus wirh the terrible dark fire of his magic

and Magnus was terrified and would hide, and he'd be like, oh, my little thing, I'd never hurt you, don't you see? that was just my magic, of course i wouldnt hurt you, im not like them. and then hed hug a trembling, shaking Magnus, who had no idea what was real anymore

eventually this started to intertwine with ideas of royalty too - you are too good for them, Magnus, you are a royal, you have a right to everything your heart desires, and they treated you like trash. you have to forget these stupid mundanes. they're beneath you

and he definitely made Magnus kill/hurt more people, possibly threatened him, said that he needed to get stronger, to stop caring so damn much, because Magnus has always been kind, and eager to help, and ultimately good, and asmodeus needed to destroy that. so he pushed and pushed him, told him that he was weak if he didnt do what asmodeus said, and that asmodeus would do it himself. that he'd leave him again, and how would that be, huh, being homeless again, would his precious mundanes have mercy? would they care? no, they'd leave him to die and spit on his face, and yet here he was, pitying them. like a whiny, weak baby, not the royal asmodeus expected him to be

and if Magnus still didn't quite manage to satisfy asmodeus, because he took too long, cried too much, pleaded too much- then he'd get punished. i think that punishment came basically in the form of magic depletion/exhausting him. Magnus is freakishly good at holding back from magic depletion, has sustained his magic and pushed way past his limits many times throughout the show, sometimes for full uninterrupted minutes. i think thats why. because asmodeus "trained" him to be able to, with his punishments

he possibly used that as an excuse - since you insist on being so weak, we have to make you stronger. so he'd make Magnus use his magic for hours at a time, no breaks, until he was shaking and trembling and crying with the effort, and then he'd leave him depleted and exhausted and have him recover on his own. that's what you are without magic, he'd tell him. nothing. do you understand now? why you can never be like them? do you want to end up like this for the rest of your life? I worry about you, Magnus, i really, really do. kill this stupid sentimentalist mundane side, before it kills you.

Magnus said, without magic, i feel like i dont matter. And don't get me wrong, i think the show made it pretty clear that magic is a part of warlocks, that without it they are incomplete, unhappy. but the fact that he specifically said i feel like i dont matter makes me feel like this is something that asmodeus drilled into his head. without magic he was nothing. and he really wasnt, because that's all asmodeus wanted him for

magicless Magnus? asmodeus despised him. for the whole time he was recovering from the magic depletion, asmodeus could barely spare him a glance. he was cruel about it, too. what? aren't you happy that you're like these mundanes you love so much? I'm just treating you as such. and then, when his magic started to come back, when he managed to do a trick- asmodeus would change completely. smile wide. hug him. that's my boy! and it would seem like asmodeus loved him, and everything would seem okay. when he had magic, he mattered, he was important, and asmodeus loved and took care of him. when he didn't, asmodeus wouldnt even touch him, wouldnt want to eat with him, would barely talk to him

so the prospect of losing his magic was terrifying, and sometimes Magnus would plead with him, please, dad, no training, i promise to be good, i dont want to be without my magic. and asmodeus would say why are you so worried? it's just training. and Magnus would say, because i always end up without magic. and asmodeus would snap, well, you aren't supposed to, do you think I'd push you over your limit on purpose? you were supposed to be able to handle it, but you aren't, you're weak. why do you think i get so disappointed? i want you to be strong, Magnus, like you're meant to be

that was always what he said, too, in canon. when he gave Magnus his pretzel, he said, for your strength. he didn't care if Magnus was well, or happy, or if he fucking liked pretzels. only that he was strong. and that is definitely a trope here

anyway! at this point asmodeus is already telling him about going to edom, about how he'll be safer there, away from people, happier. and Magnus is terrified, because he doesn't want to be away. he loves people, and most of them arent bad. he loves food. he loves music, and art, and architecture. he loves seeing the world. he loves learning languages and seeing new animals and plants and cultures. he doesn't want to be away from the world. he doesn't want to be with asmodeus

and asmodeus, of course, has carefully kept from him that other warlocks exist, that theres a warlock community out there, because if he knew that, then he'd have an alternative to being with asmodeus, even with his whole mundanes will always hate you blah blah blah speech. but there's only so long he could keep this from Magnus, right? he can feel other people's magic through the ley lines, they can feel his. it was only a matter of time.

i think it was ragnor, honestly, the first one he met. ragnor who told him, kid, there's a life out there, we're alive and we're many and we're happy, and we're there for each other. there's an alternative. and Magnus could cry with relief, because he didn't want to be with his dad anymore, but he was so terrified of being alone and on his own again

so he throws himself into studying, telling asmodeus that he wants to know about demonic magic to go to edom. and he learns about his weaknesses, and what a banishment is, and how to do it. and so when he's about to hit his maturity, he tells asmodeus he wants to visit. and because portals dont exist yet, he has to make this whole elaborate thing- and he tricks asmodeus, sets a trap, i dont know, and instead of simply taking them there, he banishes asmodeus, and stays

and so he goes and finds that weird british old man, and asks him if he can go to the warlocks' place. and ragnor chuckles and tells him that the world is the warlocks' place, that they're everywhere, that he'll teach him. and so he takes Magnus to meet other warlocks, and join the community, and start working. he still loves mundanes, and plus, after all the bad he feels he's done for them, he wants to help. so he lives among them and makes friends with them and dates them and works among them and gets wealthy, and grows, and he's somewhat happy, even if most of the time he has to hide what he is, even if he still feels lonely and bad and like a monster, a killer, a demon. but he got rid of him, and he can, maybe, become something else, if he tries really hard to find his humanity again, and make up for his mistakes, and the pain he's caused

i think asmodeus is responsible for most of the guilt Magnus feels, for a great part of his immortality blues - after all, thats what most clearly separates him from mundanes, makes him different, unable to be a part of their world - and for his feelings that hes a monster. he tells alec he hopes alec doesn't think less of him because of his father, because a part of him still believes that being asmodeus' son makes Magnus like him. he says he's ugly and dark, because asmodeus convinced that's all he could ever be. he has a huge resistance and pain/exhaustion tolerance because of course he does. and he tries to sacrifice himself all the time because hes convinced that he doesnt matter and doesn't belong, that no one would miss him because they cant love him, because hes different. and that was all definitely planted on him by asmodeus, and later watered by camille ofc

#ask #pastaingallday #long post #like really long #abuse tw #child abuse tw #emotional abuse #psychological abuse #physical abuse #sh #shadowhunters #magnus bane #angst #overflowing trashcan #meta #sh meta

[thelifetimechannel]

In this week’s bonus content, Dave places prank orders on the local carapacian message boards.

JAKE: Ms roxys mom!! JAKE: Is it true your girlfriends a vampire? ROSE: Last time I checked. ROSE: To be technical, the Alternian term is "rainbow drinker". ROSE: There are some differences, but if you're going for "attractive young woman who drinks blood", you're on the money. ROSE: Similar to the way "Ms Roxys mom" is on the money, but the term I'm used to is "Rose". JAKE: Its polite for one to wait until such a time as one had been introduced. JAKE: As such im jake. Dont believe weve yet spoken! ROSE: No, not directly, unless we've exchanged witticisms in a memo somewhere. ROSE: I've lost track of those. ROSE: I think they've become independent sentient creatures. ROSE: As such, they must be allowed to flourish on their own, making their own decisions. ROSE: They're grown up now. They can make their own choices. JAKE: Just walkin off all on their lonesome huh? JAKE: Godspeed to you memos. What happens in you stays in you. ROSE: With a tear in my eye, I waved them off to memo university, where they'll learn hard truths about themselves while obtaining an education. JAKE: I hear theyre going into the communications field. Good for them! ROSE: I expect great things of them. ROSE: And plenty of tawdry hijinks. ROSE: But if you've been reading them, you'll notice we already have those. ROSE: Dave tried to order a pizza from a carapace agent. JAKE: He what. JAKE: Can you do that? ROSE: Dersites have their own message boards. Mostly focused on fashion, apparently, but you can post whatever you like. ROSE: I doubt he received his delivery. JAKE: Do carapaces have pizzerias and if so what the heck have i been doing with reheated alchemized food for the past five months? JAKE: I am alas a deprived man. I never knew what i was missing until jane started bussing us the captchas for her home cooking. ROSE: Honestly? I have no idea. ROSE: I did roam Derse for a few months in another timeline, but I didn't have culinary experiences on the mind. ROSE: I can relate, though. ROSE: Most of my background was in microwave dinners. ROSE: Which I look back on with fondness now, after what we've been subsisting on for the last few years. ROSE: Which brings us back to the original topic, more or less. ROSE: Yes, this outfit has vampires now. That's a thing that we have. JAKE: Man. You guys were off having all the fun on the magical hijinks. JAKE: Not that tomb raiding wasnt a blast but you know there were no vampires. ROSE: As many of the more romantic novels would suggest, it's a bit of a burden. ROSE: But an asset if you want to keep your plans after being shot through the abdomen, or so she tells me. JAKE: So does it come with the unholy cravings and aversion to the daylight or is this weird alien vampiracy? ROSE: Actually, she's one of the few of her kind that enjoys the sun. ROSE: As for unholy cravings... ROSE: That depends on your definition. ROSE: *eyebrow waggle* JAKE: Er. JAKE: The blood drinking i meant the blood drinking!! JAKE: Gosh what you two do together is your own private matter. *tugs collar of god tier cape.* ROSE: She's working on that. ROSE: She won't go for your jugular without permission, if that's what you're worried about. JAKE: Good to know. Im not presently in a state of mind where id be interested. ROSE: Not that many people enjoy the subtle pleasures of being lunch. JAKE: I am an open-minded man. JAKE: But i dont think im into vore. ROSE: Based on what I've heard of the clutter in Jade's home, you may have been into just about everything else. ROSE: But then, fetishes don't always cross universes. JAKE: ! JAKE: Hey now no fair going through a mans dirty laundry! JAKE: What if i dragged out your alt-selves smut rags? ROSE: Relax. I've never seen any of it first hand. ROSE: The three who traveled with access to the house, on the other hand... ROSE: Also, I have smut rags? ROSE: Where are they? ROSE: I must see these immediately. ROSE: I wonder if I had the same usernames. JAKE: Funnily enough i hear you were specialized in vampire penny dreadfuls with real gals of the shadows. JAKE: Roxy did some digging and uncovered one of your many many psuedonyms. ROSE: I'll give you a king's ransom to get me copies and make sure my brother never finds out about this. ROSE: It's bad enough he uncovered my fanfiction.net account. JAKE: I will exchange it for your silence on whatever youve heard on alt-mes personal life. JAKE: Especially to dirk! JAKE: Well dirk... dirks one matter but definitely not hal. JAKE: Ill find some way to bribe jade and the rest. ROSE: I'll keep what I know hush hush. ROSE: Jade was evasive, though. ROSE: Mostly because she didn't want anyone to know you were dead. ROSE: I do know you had a passion for washed out blue pictures of women, though. I'll keep mum on that. ROSE: And the potential of illegitimate children scattered around the tri-state area. ROSE: You should always be careful about giving your full name to people over the Internet. Sometimes they do some digging. JAKE: Wait what. JAKE: What?? JAKE: Never mind i dont want to know! JAKE: Dirk wasnt exactly pleased about his alt self but as both men are apparently very very dead their checkered pasts shall lie with them. ROSE: As befits them. ROSE: Jade did use your past behavior to shame me, I'm afraid to say. ROSE: But it was yours, not his, and it was mostly to dissuade me from my familial path of jumping out the relationship plane without a parachute. ROSE: Apparently my genes don't have the monopoly on that kind of extreme evasive technique. JAKE: Oh... JAKE: Oh great. JAKE: Im an example. JAKE: A "cautionary tale" even!! JAKE: Madam let me just briefly say that by our deep emotional conversations that it does in fact take two to tango! JAKE: I wasnt the one who burned that particular bridge anyway. ROSE: Don't worry, we're all cautionary tales at this point. ROSE: That's what mythology is all about. ROSE: Respect your elders. Stay away from taboos. Don't have sex with cows. ROSE: The lessons from Greek mythology alone are practically endless. JAKE: The ol boys sound like they knew how to party. ROSE: That and not much else. JAKE: Did they do anything but go on adventures and cheese off the gods? JAKE: And hoe down like there was no tomorrow? ROSE: There were a lot of curses. ROSE: Our family tree may be just as convoluted, but hopefully we can avoid some of the drama. JAKE: I hope we got that out of our system now without having to see a man about a horse. ROSE: I think we've done a decent job of it. ROSE: I heard all of you had a blowout. ROSE: Two blowouts actually. ROSE: An emotional one and then a physical one. ROSE: We felt the aftershocks of the latter. JAKE: Yeah... JAKE: But we worked it out. JAKE: The physical blowout was the result of teamwork and friendship! JAKE: The emotional one not so much but its ok now! ROSE: That's been the story of our lives so far. JAKE: Just give dirk a hug if you get the chance ok? JAKE: He needs it. ROSE: Would he appreciate it? ROSE: I know my brother is worse than a bad kudzu infestation, but my ectofather seems standoffish. JAKE: No no trust me on this one hes on you he doesnt want to let go. JAKE: He just has a hard time initiating is all. JAKE: But hes down for some awesome platonic embraces almost all the time. ROSE: I see... ROSE: I'm spotting the problem. ROSE: We may be too alike. Someone else may have to lift our arms and gently wrap us around each other. ROSE: Then, once the hug is properly secured, it can become self-sustaining. ROSE: Maybe. JAKE: I will have to be the middle man then. ROSE: You'll broker our accord. ROSE: Anyway, unlike our illustrious Greek forebears, we're not myths written down. We can break our patterns. ROSE: I think we've already begun. ROSE: If I have to learn to initiate physical contact while not three sheets to the wind, maybe that's another step in the right direction. JAKE: I will be the one delicately managing the lamprey tendrils of strider-lalonde limbs. ROSE: Will you now? JAKE: I mean. Why not? ROSE: Far be it from me to impede on awkward sibling hugs. ROSE: I'll look forward to it.

#bonus content #jake english #rose lalonde

[danideservedbetter]

Day 226

As determined as I was to not be stressed before school starts, life literally had to do just one more gotcha and now like. I’m just. Idk.

You guys may (or may not I’m not judging) have noticed that I didn’t post yesterday!! That is because my pharmacy once again screwed up my prescriptions so I was totally out of my work meds for like two days!!! Which is not what I needed the weekend before I start school back after a three year break!!!

As if that wasnt enough, remember the train?? The train I was so relieved to take so I didn’t have to rely on myself to drive and that I scheduled my classes around?? It’s out of service!! Til the 23rd!!! OF FEBRUARY!!! But ONLY on the days I need it Bc service remains on schedule during the weekends and during Mardi Gras : )))))

I’m literally just ignoring signs at this point but I’ve lost so much already idk what else I have to offer.

But I’m still going. My overall goal for this week is to resume stretching daily because I’ve been slacking on that. Read more. Stress less. Idk if that’s even an option because wow. It seems like anything that can happen to prevent me or discourage from starting school has or will have happened. Three years I’ve been waiting and have been told no at every step and here I am sacrificing so much and idk if it’s even meant for me to go. You wouldn’t think so with all this stuff that’s happened.

Idk how I’m going to do it. I can’t be stressed out every day. I already know it’s not sustainable for a healthy person, let alone for me. School is supposed to be an escape but now having to drive every day I don’t know if I can trust myself to even find the motivation to get up and do it for three hours every day. I know I’m whining, plenty of people have it worse, but it angers me so much that it wasn’t supposed to be this way. I was making every precaution to ensure that even if something went wrong I could make it but now I just. Dont know.

All I can do is try. I have one more day to pull it together. It’s not enough.

Itll have to do.

#update post

[msneversaidbye]

November 8, 20xx

"Happy Birthday..." nobody said in particular to the damply tangled, almost coal haired man. He was never one to have plenty friends.

"Time to say goodbye." He said to himself as he took a a small step closer. He didnt want a cake, much less a party.

As he walked towards the edge, he knew something was wrong. Heavy breathing every step, ambiance seems to blur but he trotted forward.

He looked at the city that he vowed to protect, managed to show a smile filled with a mixture of sadness and happiness. His expression a mix of two opposite emotions that cant be described with words.

He closed his eyes... BANG!

An ear splitting silence filled the block. Stunned with what just happened, nobody dared to move.

"CALL A FUCKING AMBULANCE!!" A blond haired boy whos mane mimicked an explosion, broke the silence, the only bold soul brave enough to break the silence.

The room has 4 beds and curtains attached to the cieling, wallshavewhite wallpaper and vertical lines printed on it. The howling sound of the air conditioning is the only sound you can hear.

Shota felt dryness on his lips, still groggy from the drug that was injected into him. He tried to stand up to reach for the glass of water at a near by mahogany side table but failed.

"Shota! Thank Allmight your awake!"

A dark purple haired woman in her early 30's hurriedly approached him with small shining droplets of water forming at the corner of her eyes with the look of relief washing over her face

"Do you have any idea how mortifying it was to be called by one of your students saying you were in the hospital since you fell off a building?! What were you thinking?! I was so woried! Dont... dont ever do thay again. Promise me Shota. Promise me."

The newly awoken man was taken a back with his friends sudden outburst although she had the complete right to, it still shocked him.

He managed to collect himself again.

Nemuri was the only person he ever called friend amd he can not bare the sight of her in pain.

"I promise."

Aizawa was about to ask about his students, especially the kid that called his dear purple haired friend. But then again he wasnt sure if it was only one student that saw him fall.

He hoped that it wouldnt traumatize them, seeing as they already have a lot to deal with, all of them having diffirent issues, all of which cant be solved with a simple formula.

He already lost 3 of his students and he blamed himself for not being able to save them.

When he was about to open his mouth to speak the door opened.

A doctor in his early senescence  with large defining glasses each were probably two inches thick, entered the room and blurted a welcoming statement.

"Mr. Aizawa, due to the impact of the fall, we werent able to save your legs and will always have a limp. Your head also sustained heavy damage and blood loss but we are still unable to identify the possible effects of this to your quirk but all we know is that its going to painful and we wont be able to do anything about it."

Truly a Happy Birthday to me. The ravennette thought on the back of his mind still sinking in.

"We have also discovered you have an abnormality in the way that your heart is beating. You have a rare desease called Hypertrophic Cardiomypathy, this usually happens when you feel intense emotions and your heart cant handle it properly. Unfortunately it is so rare that we still dont know how lethal it is."

Theres just no end is there? The man said to no one in particular as he looks at the distance, looking at something but at the same time nothing.

To deep in his thoughts to even notice the sounds around him and the people calling for his attention.

His mind circling. Thinking about his students, his job, his whole life that not to long ago he was willingly giving up, even cutting it short himself.

He made a promise to Nemuri and he never breaks promises.

(Continue this as u wish)

#mha angst #fanfic #writing #fiction #mha #drabble #long reads #shoto aizawa

[luellabohannon5-blog]

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