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candyskiez · 6 months

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so do you spiral into rage whenever you realize the person who got you seconds away from killing yourself is moving on with their life when somedays you still feel like you're stuck in that moment that fucking traumatized you and how unfair it is that they get to move on when you almost ended it all over them or do you not have a deep seated fear that you jave no effect on the people aroujd you

#suicide tw #cw suicide #tw suicide #suicide cw #candyskiez vent #i know its irrational. i know #but fuck its. a part of me is almost mad at them for moving on. even though earlier i was fucked up because whst if i hurt them what if im #terrible person. i keep fucking flipflopping. ive never once wanted them back but ive missed them so bad and ive hated them and i still #fucking love them and god. i almost killed myself. i almost KILLED myself and they get to just??? be upset that i didnt want them in my lif #they can just go on about how it was so hard for THEM to lose all their friends when they were the one who cut us out. and everyone feels #bad for them. but fuck. i almost fucking killed myself. i almost killed myself because of this situation. i thought id never be happy again #i was wrong. im finally healing from it. but sometimes i can't help but hate them. because how DARE you ever act like the two things are #even remoteoy equivalent. you lost SOME of your friends because you made a stupid ass life decision you had EVERY way of knowing would blow #up. we were in hell. we were in fucking hell. the friend group almost fucking fell apart becase of your stupid ass. i almost killed myself.#i thought id never be happy again. i almost killed myself without leaving a note so i wouldbt have to feel yhe pain YOU caused me. YOU. and #you think you have the RIGHT to be sad? you arent the fucking victim. you have NEVER been the victim of this situation. you will never be.#and logically i know i know they can feel however they feel and thats valid and yeah they cared. but it feels insulting fucking INSULTING #because how dare you be sorry when i could never forgive you for what you did. how dare you do something so STUPID and get surprised when #people got hurt. you are a fucking awful friend. you dont deserve forgiveness. i dont give a shit youre sorry. why should i care. why is it #MY job to care that youre a fucking idiot. you hurt me. why is it my job to understand why? i almost killed myself.#later on im probably going to feel bad for them again. i know they aren't a monster but god it is so fucking hard to care. ive never gotten #that close to suicide. and they very nearly pushed me over that edge. i was so fucking close to writing a note. i was debating if i should #send the note to my online friends. i was on the fucking brink. i will never fucking forgive them. i almost killed myself.#and their name wouldve been on the note.

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bigfatbreak · 15 days

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Birds of a Feather previous / next

#my art #feralnette au #birds of a feather #long tags #sorry I went apeshit in the tags #LETS SAY IT ALL TOGETHER NOW #I - M - A - G - OOOOOOOOO #its fun drawing marinette's back to Alya and having her appear stout and unstoppable and totally logical #and then you see her face and she's like two seconds from completely snapping and is keeping it together by a thread #as a note just because mari feels very certainly abt smth doesnt mean she's right. feelings can be valid and also irrational #in the throes of grief she decided it was better to be alone than to lose someone again so she started pulling away #and lila made pulling away very very very easy to do #shes also vaguely aware she's being unfair in pinning this on alya which is why she started spinning the drain on cockmoth again #legitimately all the shit that's happened to her wouldn't have been so catastrophic if he was never in the picture and she knows it #but the bitterness of her bestie choosing a fantastic liar over her at the worst of times stiiiiiings #alya's personal timing was bad but lila really took advantage of the fact that marinette had been acting off and weird #she basically clocked marinette as being unstable from SOMETHING and made up a lie about her #knowing she wouldn't have the strength to defend herself #between her social life going tachy bc of lila and losing fu in a way that felt like personhood death marinette was really put on the spot #and alya doing her thing of busting in there and assuming her bias is correct was a terrible combo #essentially marinette is highly unstable and alya is just realizing that #busting in and giving her a lecture when she's slightly hysterical and definitely delirious from exhaustion is NOT the way #to show her she's self sabotaging #cuz thats just gonna make her double down on self sabotaging. bc marinette will not accept that she is also a CHIIIIILD

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anonymocha · 3 days

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Bluepoch gave us the gift of barely-subtext tragic sapphic-centric media do NOT throw that away.

Context regarding PJSK and Undertale under cut.

Project Sekai cast is dominated by female characters but mlm is more popular, meanwhile Undertale has canon wlw rep and oh my god they’re at the bottom. I have nothing against these fandoms or media (I’m literally currently/was in them) but yeah. I just HOPE r99 doesn’t end up in a similar state.

#mochagaming #if r99 ever gets even more popular and people somehow manage to out-yaoi the yuri i may actually buy a gun #‘write more yuri then’ I AM <3 AND LETS KEEP WRITING YURI R99 NATION #this is an irrational fear btw #especially since the fandoms i previously in kept fixating on the men in women-centric media #which is not bad #good for them #but its alienating for me LOL #thankfully rn r99 fandom is still diligent woman appreciators so thanks guys #keep it up #I HAVE NOTHING AGAINST MEN OR MLM #I JUST REALLY NEED THAT SAPPHIC SPOTLIGHT #LET THIS DESPERATE LESBIAN DREAM THAT HER FAV GAME STAYS YURIFUL #(because fandom activity genuinely affects the game itself so…)#reverse 1999 #I am not trying to discourage any form of fandom content #But if I see someone complain about ‘lack of men’ in this game I… I genuinely dont know??? what to say???#we dont even have enough lesbian rep. it is always cast aside.#it should be prioritized (by bluepoch) i think #like to charge reblog to cast

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pastadrawstma · 19 days

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I Wait For You - Alex G

For @jonmartinweek Outsider POV // I’ll Wait For You

Day 65 of posting magpod art daily

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paellegere · 3 months

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i can't stop thinking about the first episode of season 6, when sam tries to convince dean to come with him, to come back to hunting. he says "it's just better with you around, that's all." it's an interesting line because sam is soulless, obviously. and even though he doesn't understand the details yet, he knows something's wrong with him.

"it's better with you around" he says, citing dean's compassion and care for others as the reason why. and how interesting is that? sam's working with plenty of other hunters who still have their souls—they're all more than capable of caring about the people they save. but sam needs dean specifically. he knows he's missing something, and he sees dean and recognizes that something in him. even cold and calculating and unrelentingly logical, sam recognizes that dean, alone, can "complete" him, give something back to him that he's supposed to have.

in episode 8 he tells dean he "needs his help." he doesn't elaborate; he never explains what he means by that. he has a whole family of hunters who'd be willing and able to help him, but still he needs dean. even without his soul, his hyperrational mind knows he needs him.

soulless sam isn't capable of caring about dean. but he doesn't need to care to know they need to be together, no matter what—to know dean is good for him, dean completes him, dean needs to be there for him.

it's like a sick reversal of season 1. sam drags dean back into this life because he can't keep going without him. because he needs him. because when you think about it logically, and sam has no other choice, there was never any other option for them.

#supernatural #wincest #i mean i'm absolutely looking at this through wincest-colored lenses but this isn't even a romantic observation #and i think that makes it so much worse #every time soulless sam gives an indication that he needs dean in his life even when he's incapable of caring about him. that's so fucked u #like what the fuck do you mean sam's dependence on dean isn't even irrational. that it's so normal to him that it's completely logical #to need him. that sam needs dean the way humans need air to breathe: an unalterable fact of nature and reality #'there are also things about it i remember that i... let's just say i think i should probably go back to being him'#What The Fuck Do You Mean By That Sammy #having a soul hurts but he should 'probably' go back to having one #he says in a conversation about how he knows he should care about dean but doesn't #like there's something inside him screaming for dean. and it's trapped and trying to claw its way out #he needs to care about dean no matter what the cost is. he needs to love him again #it's unnatural and wrong for him to exist without loving his brother. is that what you're saying. is that it #i just can't stop thinking about soulless sam. sorry. what's wrong with him seriously #besides not having a soul #.txt #sam #the winchester gospel #spn posting

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taitavva · 4 months

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AAAAAAAAAAAH ur akechi…. U DRAW HIM SO HANDSOME Get out of the way joker I’m swooping in to snatch up that gayboy’s fine ass

tbh i don't think pego's ever been a street fight so you'd probably get away with it

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rapidhighway · 9 days

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girl help i had a positive social interaction but i feel like i made everyone uncomfortable and behaved like shit the whole time

#I KNOW I KNOWWWWW its the most irrational stuff but im still so upset by it WHYYYY #social anxiety evil and bad

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stuckinapril · 6 months

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i love anthologies. anthologies are so sexy

#in an alternate world where im an english lit major the norton anthology of english lit is my bible #it's by no means an exhaustive overview but i really love how everything is in its neat timeline #and you get a general vibe for how literature was back then as opposed to just going in blind. u see how everything influences everything #a major (maybe a bit irrational?) fear i have is i come out of a book w superficial understanding #and while that has contributed to unfortunate reading slumps i do also like this trait of me #where i am actually focused on giving a book/period of time the respect it deserves vs just reading it flippantly #i like doing my silly little pre-read of a period of time/author before jumping into it #i don't do pre-reads for everything but there are books where i find it necessary to prime my brain for absorbing them #and anthologies are good for that #and they're also a good resource for investigating authors whose vibe sits right w u.#or for knowing the general quaintessential authors of a certain genre of lit #i also love poetry anthologies #the commentary comparing/contrasting certain authors is also rly interesting to me . ok i'll shut up now #p

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arsenicflame · 1 year

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the thing about autistic izzy for me is that he isnt that uwu soft romanticised type of autistic. hes brash, he doesnt know how to process his emotions, hes constantly on the verge of being overstimulated- if things arent done the way he expects them to be done, if his routine is fucked with hes going to lose it

#more representation for autistic characters that aren't palatable please #hears my new thing i think would fix izzy: some noise cancelling headphones #hm i could definitely make more thoughts on this but my brain is not working rn #post inspired by my coworkers not doing things how i would do them and it upsetting me to an irrational degree #i understand why he is ~like that~ over ship maintenance even when everyone else thinks it doesn't matter #nyxtalks #izzy hands #israel hands #someone let me know if some of these things aren't considered autistic traits lol its all based on my personal experience #he is just like me fr #ofmd #a certified nyx post

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pissfizz · 2 months

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Yea I think artists should support other artists yes I think we need to lift each other up yes I feel threatened by artists who are better than me if we’re in similar age demographics/they’re younger. We exist.

#unless I become friends with them before I see their art #although it still makes me insecure to see my friends be better than me/get hella praise ^.^#I KNOW ITS IRRATIONAL I KNOW ITS BAD I KNOW THIS PROBABLY MAKES ME AN AWFUL PERSON BUT I CANT DO ANYTHING ABOUT IT #when my art is the only thing I have going for me and I’m not the best in the room at all times I want to kms

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kabukeo · 9 months

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tonight's little doodles

#doodle #lcb #meursault lcb #meurgreg #im trying to be less self conscious about making meurgreg or any ship art really #twt has exposed me to everyone having an opinion on every ship ever #which has made me back away from making too much art of any one ship #i know meurgreg is one of the most popular ships but because of that i also feel an odd sense of guilt #i cant explain it like i should use my art to contribute to a rare pair or smth idk #its all a bit weird and irrational #but ive realized i have not been able to make art for myself for months #every idea i have and everything i go forward to draw im always thinking about how others will feel about it #and how i can make it better fit or adequate for an audience so i dont let them down or bore them #and that mindset has made art so much of a chore that ive significantly slowed down so much on art at all #so idk #trying to stop overthinking and just draw what i feel to the extent that i feel #escape the perfectionism and wanting to please everyone as much as possible #to elaborate on the weird meurgreg feeling i guess its like #i feel guilty for filling tags even more with an already popular ship & making mutuals who dont like meurgreg see it more #but its just not that deep #people can mute meurgreg and thats just not my problem anyway #sry ab these tags!

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karda · 3 months

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my fear of zombies is starting to piss me off😭 i literally cant even look at the fking mlp au because my nightmares start getting worse. theyre fuckign ponies <- get a grip

#the other day i was driving at night and a guy walking on the side of the road almost made me swerve bc i got so scared he was a zombie #its like sick and twisted my brain does this 2 me #irrational fears r so fucked up because u feel soooo stupid. you know its literally not real but u cant help it

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socksandbuttons · 2 months

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i wonder if its gonna make sense that lunar explaining reminded me a lot of lapis

#like she didnt ACTUALLY want to return to jasper. but missing people who hurt you?? its apparently a common thing with abuse victims.#its not a 'oh lunar wants to go back!' no its complicated feelings. he knows its irrational to be thinking it despite everything.#comes back to the one comic i did where. yeah he had hopes for something better with eclipse! but it never turned out that way.#it probably doesnt help that Solar is something that works much better for lunar.#uhh ill stop with the thoughts but i know people are pointint that out #its just i dont think its Lunar wanting eclipse back.#laes spoilers

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cowboy-robooty · 4 months

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primal fear

#VERY OLD DRAWING 😍😍😍#it looks like shit cuz its an hour doodle thing #little grayscale blending test #draws #IM TRYING TO GET OVER MY IRRATIONAL FEAR OF PEOPLE THINKING MY DRAWINGS ARE VENT ART WHEN THEYRE NOT #i just... dont want people to get the wrong idea about how i percieve the world and what my struggles are..#but this is mai personal blog i should post any drawings i think are a little cool #people should already know someone can explore themes without having a personal connection to them #shit is just interesting sometimes and its fun to be an outsider looking in #classic robooty essay in the tags LOOK I HAVE A LOT OF SAY THIS IS MY HOUSE AND ILL YAP AWAY!

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a-chaotic-dumbass · 4 months

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nothing makes a misophonic girl want to kill more than ppl clearing their throats

#misophonia #misophonic #its irrational i KNOW it is but god fucking damn it if it doesnt make me want to commit manslaughter #clearing throats and open mouth chewing. die

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whumpshaped · 11 months

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its probably just me or whatever but genuinely one of the tropes that upset me the absolute most in media was like. when the villain kidnapped others and made them a comfortable home or smth, and was nice, and still the kidnapped ppl just kept going on and on about "can i go home now" "i want to go home" "when do i get to go home"

i know its absolutely irrational but i always felt incredibly bad for the villain and totally related to the anger when they eventually snapped. they did so much!!!!!! they were nice!!!!!! it was a nice place!!!!!!!

#actually please let me know if im not alone #or let me know what this says abt me lmao #im fairly sure its rooted in the fact that i never wanted to be home and if i was kidnapped and subjected to the cruel fate of #having to stay at a comfortably furnished place with a person who was nice to me completely free of charge and responsibilities #i wouldve never looked back #so on one hand i was jealous #on the other i feel like i also felt personally attacked when i saw someone's efforts not being acknowledged?#i understand. it was kidnapping and THEN niceness. i get it. i understand.#BUT VILLAIN WAS *NICE* WHY ISNT IT BEING ACKNOWLEDGED AND RECIPROCATED #so many feelings #like even just writing this out i feel that horrible urge to cry and also break things #it makes me feel so much #i need to write shit like this #its a little grace core tbh #somewhat. she has no illusions. she knows shes not trying to be particularly kind #but she does throw irrational fits like that

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