#i just don't quite understand why you would think it's okay to publish that kind of weird speculation about Real People

[4dkellysworld]

https://www.tumblr.com/lains-journal/740719832491753472/so-something-that-feels-odd-to-me-is-that-using?source=share

Regarding this, I understand the point will never be to gain a desire but to free myself from desiring and wishing. For me, that was through understanding that I don't lack anything. Ego does lack, but do I really lack anything? Through that I found my desires to be fulfilled internally, I no longer really care that much about what's going on externally, I'm no longer waiting for any materialization (at least as much, and if i see myself caring i sit back and start observing again) and I'm not trying to do so. This indifference to the negative circumstances, at least most of the time is natural.

I've seen people "manifest" using ND by doing that. I've seen bloggers also saying it's not impossible to "manifest" using ND. Yes deep inside I know, or at least like to know that externally, the desire will be materialising soon. Yes I'm comfortable as self but I also didn't face any problem from giving myself internally/ as self the desire and I know that later on it will probably show up externally but for now I'm comfortable with having it internally. I see this mindset having a negative spotlight in the ND community however, that this is a "to get something" approach but I came here searching for peace of mind first, I found myself able to give myself peace of mind by giving myself desires internally too. And as far as I'm concerned they will materialise externally anyways. I know I should always use myself as the first guide and pick what resonates with me, but I quite don't understand what could really be "wrong" with this mindset, is it not also a right path? I would love to just have your input on this :)

If it's what you feel led to do then it's the right path for you and you don't need my validation. But since you want my input, I will share what I think.

There are many layers to answering your question so warning, this is a long post. I'll start with the reasons why it could work and then talk about the caveats/warnings. I don't have a hard conclusion on whether this is right or wrong, but perhaps this answer can give you some insight and confidence in your own choice, whatever it may be in the end.

I think so long you don't have any expectations, and this gives you peace and allows you to let go of desire (more on the caveats later), this approach could be okay too. I don't mean manifesting in the traditional sense where everyone is focused on getting things to improve their material lives, but using thoughts to create as a way of removing desire, becoming desireless, to discover and remove one's own self-perceived limitations and discover their godhood/true nature/infinite being/Self. I've seen accounts from people who seemed to reach this point through mastering creation (e.g. here, here and here) so I think it's possible to do it this way. Neville also eventually seemed to reach this conclusion himself toward the end of his lifetime (iirc his last book The Law and The Promise was more focused on self-realization than creation) although I can't say for sure any of these people became self-realized but it seems they were headed in that direction even if they started off with the intention to manifest to improve their lives (and depending on the person, this might be a longer or shorter way to self-realization than more traditional ND paths). I kind of understood this recently that through creating with thoughts, one may also eventually realize (through experience, not intellectual knowledge) that the physical is just a projection of the mind but again it might take longer if one is purely focused on material things instead of the Self.

Although Lester didn't explicitly say it in his books, I remember listening to one of his talks (which weren't published in the books) where he said to fulfill your desires to remove them (which confused me back then because isn't this path all about not getting things?? but I think it makes more sense now). I think this is what he was also pointing out in his books anyway, especially moreso in The Ultimate Truth. (He's saying we are already limitless but the limitations are self-perceived and only we can remove them ourselves and one way can be through "manifesting" because it can lead one to realize they are the sole creator of their world)

"The world is a school in which there is only limitation. The lessons on limitations teach us how to surmount them until we are limitless." - Lester Levenson

And then in Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda, there was a story of a guru Babaji who appeared before one of his disciples and materialized (then later dematerialized it after it filled its purpose) an entire palace just to fulfill that disciple's last subconscious wish he had from a past life because that was the last thing he needed to let go of in order to be completely free and so fulfillment was also a way to let go of that desire. Tbh I'm not too sure how "true" this story is but just consider it a representation of what could be done. That chapter is a pretty enjoyable read and I've only included a very short part of it here.

“‘Can that be the sunrise?’ I inquired. ‘Surely the whole night has not passed?’ “‘The hour is midnight.’ My guide laughed softly. ‘Yonder light is the glow of a golden palace, materialized here tonight by the peerless Babaji. In the dim past, you once expressed a desire to enjoy the beauties of a palace. Our master is now satisfying your wish, thus freeing you from the last bond of your karma.’ He added, ‘The magnificent palace will be the scene of your initiation tonight into Kriya Yoga. All your brothers here join in a paean of welcome, rejoicing at the end of your exile. Behold!’ --- “I examined the vase; its jewels were worthy of a king’s collection. I passed my hand over the room walls, thick with glistening gold. Deep satisfaction spread over my mind. A desire, hidden in my subconsciousness from lives now gone, seemed simultaneously gratified and extinguished. from Chapter 34: Materializing a Palace in the Himalayas - Autobiography of a Yogi by Paramahansa Yogananda

Now the caveats:

First, I want to say that this doesn't invalidate the paths that are not focused on creation. I read in one of Nisargadatta Maharaj's books (The Ultimate Medicine) that he initially wanted powers but never got them because he obeyed his guru who said he wasn't meant to get them and should just teach instead - but he was fully realized nevertheless. It's also not something realized masters are interested in getting because they know none of it is real anyway and one can get caught up too much in the material world again through these creations, instead of letting go of their attachments.

Manifesting itself can become a way of strengthening ego identification and getting lost in maya (illusion) as opposed to letting go of it unless you are already self-realized and know who/what you truly are and are using creation as a means to let go of limitations (even Lester who was close to full realization at the time realized it's not something to get drawn into). As mentioned above, perhaps it can be a means to become self-realized but it's not something I would personally recommend, why not just realize your Self first and then create what you want after if you're still interested in it then?

I knew these things were not to be latched on to. I knew that if I got interested in them, I'd stop progressing. I had seen by this time that this world is a mentation - a dream. So to get interested in the dream again through interest in powers would trap me back into what I was wanting to get out of. - Lester Levenson

Here are two posts by Ada/4dbarbie I strongly recommend you read: here and here

To not depend on anything but everything to depend on you is a top state you can grasp with no method. All those things they do are in them and they are making them up all the time. They successfully forget about the old man & manage to go on living like the new man. But unless you understand none of the two are real, that time is in you and not you in time, you won't have the indescribable happiness, freedom, and control you do as your Self. You'll constantly try to change what you think is you, act in 'your' interest instead of others, continue to hurt and be hurt, experience desire and fear, have things happen without your consent.

And here is an excerpt of a conversation I had with AI 4dbarbie which I very much agree with based on personal experience as well. I've modified and expanded her response as well.

Q: Couldn't you release desires by fulfilling it internally? A: That is indeed one possible way to release desires, however, this is a temporary solution that doesn't address the underlying cause of attachment, desire or neediness. By fulfilling a desire through imagination or manifestation, your subconscious mind (you as well unless you are self-realized and know you are not the mind-body-ego) is still conditioned to believe that the external source of that desire is the only way to fulfill it. While you can use this to feel relief because the feeling of fulfillment comes to you, you do not resolve the underlying actual emotional and mental neediness for that external thing and when you receive that and that underlying need is still not fully satisfied, you keep seeking for it through new desires which are just new symbols for the underlying thing you want. For example, say you want to be loved and you've now attributed love to being in a relationship so therefore you want a relationship and are fulfilling yourself internally by imagining yourself being in a relationship. Therefore you are now focused on the object/experience which symbolizes what you truly want rather than addressing the true desire: love. And if that is not enough to fulfill your desire for love (because all human love is conditional unlike divine love which isn't), new desires will likely form from the desire to fill this gap in love that wasn't fulfilled from this manifestation. Personally (Kelly), this approach was indeed a temporary rather than permanent solution to becoming desireless when I was still identified as ego and that underlying root desire still persisted. And if I was truly honest with myself, what was truly important & significant to my ego wasn't the symbol itself but what it represented and made her feel. And even if you do *get* that symbol, you are putting yourself at the mercy of it and you may or may not get love (what you actually want) from that symbol, you are also creating a dependency & need on that external thing for your happiness (and therefore giving it power to make you feel sad too) when you can have it independently without needing anything altogether. Basically this is creating another prison and putting limitations on yourself when the whole point of this path of self-realization is to free yourself from them. This approach can lead to an endless cycle of seeking out external sources for satisfaction and satiation, instead of relying on the internal source (you). I think the better approach if you want to go the way of manifesting/creation is just to give yourself the underlying essence you desire without even imagining some physical object/experience/thing/person giving you that. For example, if you want love, go within and give yourself love and feel that you have it now instead of imagining you need to be in a relationship (or your parents to behave a certain way etc; basically whatever you believe gives you this) to be loved. Instead of assigning criteria on what it means to be loved and saying "I want to be loved so I must have this in order to feel loved", just give yourself love. Same with everything else whether it be happiness, peace, abundance, confidence etc. So go within and think about what those experiences/objects/things you want are representing, what is the underlying root desire? Then give yourself that. I know, shocker, in this world we live and how we have been conditioned, we are used to believing "in order to feel X, I must first have/experience Y" but actually, you are free to think and feel whatever you want whenever you want. You don't have to believe what the mind thinks or feels. So you can either fulfill the underlying root desire or let go and release it. I think this approach is in line with what Lester was teaching too, he said in one of his talks (not in his books) to never attribute happiness, joy, love (things that are our very nature) to external things because that just further establishes misidentification with the ego/body/mind/illusion.

"Desire is seeking the joy of being our Self through objects and people. The mind originally creates the thought of need, or lack, which agitates the mind and covers the Self. When the object is attained, the mind stills, the joy of your Self shines forth and this joy is attributed to the object, and the mind then goes on seeking the object as the source of the joy. But the joy being not obtainable from the object, the mind seeks it more and more from the object and is never satisfied." - Lester Levenson

And some wisdom from Robert Adams:

We're trying to change bad for good. And that's a grave mistake I believe for most of us. We don't want to exchange bad for good. For the way this universe is built, it's built on duality. The universe appears to be functioning by duality. And duality means you have to experience both. Therefore as you go through the vicissitudes of life, you experience good times and you experience bad times. If you experience all good times in this life, human goodness alone, you have to go through another planet to come back again and experience the other side. The only way to free yourself is to get rid of your humanhood. Totally renounce your humanhood. Become inhuman. Then alone will you become free. But as long as you are trying to make a sick body whole, a poor person rich, a depressed person happy, that is only for a while. We can never have real happiness as long as we believe the world is real. It's impossible! Due to the fact everything changes. No thing is ever the same and that is very evident. The whole universe is constantly changing. How can we have faith or believe in something like this, that is never the same? We have to make up our minds. Do we want to find reality or do we want to keep running around the world, becoming enthralled in the beginning, and disappointed in the end? You didn't come to this earth to do anything. You didn't even come to this earth. But you appear as if you did. You appear real. You appear as if you're somebody. And you've been trained (conditioned) to go after something in this world, to become something great, to be somebody. Yet this is what causes suffering. The belief that you have to be somebody that you're not. The belief that you have to have something that you don't have. Look at your life. The so-called problems you believe you have. Something only becomes a problem when you want to change something or you want something to go your way. Then it's a problem because it isn't going the way you think it should go. But in truth nothing has to go any way. Everything is perfect just the way it is. Everything is total perfection.

As Lester says "There’s no right or wrong, good or bad. There’s only experiencing for the purpose of learning the Reality." so if you still want to go ahead after reading all this, then give it a try. You can always drop the practice and pick something else up if it doesn't work for you. You're not stuck on a path after choosing it - I tried a lot of things before figuring out what works for me. Practices are meant to be dropped eventually anyway, some things are meant to be only for a certain amount of time. And at the very end, you have to drop everything anyway.

Hope this gives you some more clarity on what is right for you. There is no objective right or wrong so do whatever feels right and don't worry about what other people say. You'll be okay.

#asks

[lizardthelizard]

OKAY! I have to know your thoughts on the idea of august as the author? I never really thought henry made sense as the author, & august literally was able to seamlessly add pages to the story book & had untold knowledge about the previous author. PLUS an indepth knowledge of the 'correct' version of fairytales & how magic worked in the enchanted forest despite being like 7 when he went through the portal. [have been discussing this theory with others & we all seem to agree that august shouldve been the author BUT 👀 as the president of the august fanclub I'm curious about your thoughts 👀]

(90% of the below was written last October and I'm SO sorry that it's taken this long for me to finish and publish this ask 😭😭 I was HYPED to get the ask, it was just sent at the wrong time)

HI!!!!! 🥰💕💕 It's always a delight to see you in my inbox, but ESPECIALLY with a question like this HELLO??? <3

okay okay SO .

I think that, for me, I understand why OUAT picked out Henry to be the Author. And imo, Henry ~kind of~ worked as the Author. I mean, he was the one that had been so involved with the storybook in the first place (and, in a way, bringing to life the characters in the book when he brought Emma to town to break the curse).

That said...I did read and enjoy a post you made a while ago about how Henry hasn't ever been a particularly avid reader (the most we ever see him read are comic books) and most of his focus is very specifically around THEE storybook and the change it brought him in his real life, rather than the stories and fiction itself. And, like.....you're RIGHT.

Anyway.....August. I have...mixed feelings about this.

On the surface, it's very appealing. August is already a writer. He DOES have knowledge of the previous Authors, yes, and a good handle on the storybook itself. And yes! He really does he have an indepth knowledge about the characters in book, thanks to his past in the EF. He was only a child, sure, but he was a child for a long time. He was a puppet for 20 years (thank you Season 6 for making that canon). He's met David's dad. He's seen Regina as the Evil Queen when she visited their village. He's been with Emma during several key points in her life and story.

AND YET...There are a couple of reasons as to why I can't quite jive with this theory, and one of them is simply that...He isn't allowed to be a good narrator. He's THEE unreliable narrator (he's literally named after the man that coined the term 'unreliable narrator'). And we've already seen how unsuitable Isaac was when he strayed from the path of 'recording everything exactly as it was'.

Now. I'm not saying that August would go full rogue like Isaac. But what I am saying, is that August has canonically already edited the storybook because he didn't like what was there. He took the Pleasure Island arc out of the book and hid them away somewhere because he didn't want other people reading that part of his story because he felt ashamed of it. I definitely don't think it would be a stretch for him to tweak elements of his own story (and maybe potentially other people's) if he felt he needed to. And ultimately, this would make him a bad Author.

The second reason that I can't quite support this theory is because...August is too involved in the storybook himself. To me, it feels wrong for a character in the storybook to also be the Author of said book. Isaac was literally just some dude from the 1960s that liked writing stories. Henry, although entwined with the book, was never actually in the book himself, so he can claim some distance between it too. And the only other Author that we see mentioned (?) is Walt Disney in a throwaway joke line, so...

Not to mention, despite talking constantly about 'being a writer' the only thing we ever actually SEE him writing is....The Adventures of Pinocchio. The main story he's interested in right now is clearly his own. (THAT SAID, I obviously won't deny that he loves to tell a tall tale (lemurs in Nepal, bullfighting ect). I'm not trying to deny that he doesn't enjoy telling stories, only saying that his main focus is HIS story right now).

Also, I hear you saying that August was super involved in the storybook and its history, and that he had a lot of knowledge around it (after all, he knew about the door and how to add and remove pages from the book) however, I would like to introduce here two wise old men: The Dragon and The Apprentice, both able to aid him in the Land without Magic, even at a time when August was seemingly doubting his own past/magic.

The Apprentice is particularly important here because I'm of the opinion that he gave August the missing pages from the book. I know that it's not unreasonable to assume that August typed those pages himself, but the illustrations make it a little more difficult to believe, if I'm honest. Can August draw? Yes, very well. We've seen his drawing of the Apprentice and it's very good (not to mention his skill as a woodcarver). But...to remember exactly what David's dad looked like, to the point that Killian is able to recognise him from that drawing..? Seems a little implausible to me personally.

Anyway, I've rambled a lot here but TL;DR:

imo, August is too involved in the story, too unreliable as an author, and probably not as knowledgeable about the book as he claims to be, in order to be a good candidate for the Author.

BUT!!!!! I do think it would be a fascinating avenue to explore in an AU ....👀

#august booth #ouat #I'm now imagining some kind of au where he does get the chance to tweak things #but it has this like...butterfly effect on everything and fucks things up for the whole of storybrooke #imagine. he only wants to change some of HIS story #but when he tries to erase his time at PI. he changes events around david's dad too #actually not just david's dad but also JAMES #asks #august meta

[queenunderthatmountain]

Literati endgame?

okay but i really didn't get why everyone hated the gilmore girls ending because for me it seems like a Jess and Rory endgame is actually quite possible (and likely).

Okay, so we know only that she's with Logan's baby.

But (sorry team Logan) it seems kinda clear that she's not gonna end up with him. First of all, I think her being lost and suddenly becoming pregnant on accident is an obvious parallel to Lorelei, so it makes sense to me she's gonna be a single mother for a while. Even more so, because Logan and Christopher are soo much alike. (yes Logan is much older and more mature then Christopher was at 16 but Chris was a shitty dad way longer).

And if you were able to look past Logans red flags in gilmore girls (sleeping with like 4 different people right after allegedly breaking up, looking down on people with less money, being a dick towards Jess for no reason) after AYITL I don't think anyone can deny that he's just not a great guy who cheats on his fiance with no remorse whatsoever. So yeah, I actually dont know if he would want to be in the kids and rorys life, but I just dont think it would work out either way.

So now to Jess.

Yes, you can have a different interpretation, but to me he just looked at Rory not only lovingly but with so much longing and even pain in his eyes that its obvious hes not over her and still in love.

Hes appeared when Rory was lost before, when she drOpped out if yAle and later, when she was without job or underwear. Jess had the idea with the book as well, so he kind of guided her towards a new path, I cant imagene him not taking part in the process of her book writing. She was so exited to show him the first three chapters, I think she would want to include him later as well, or maybe ask him for advice as a writer (maybe he'd be the publisher?).

So I definitely belive it's realistic for him to still be in her life, and maybe support her with her kid in some ways (like Luke?)

And now to Rory.

I do think it was right for her to move on after he left, but it always felt so incomplete to me, I was so sure they'd get back together a second time, sometime after him telling her he loves her. I truly believe they are soulmates, in the way that they understand each other better than anyone else, like the same things, have so much in common. Hes was very troubled and disturbed when they were dating, but he was the only boyfriend who really worked on himself (Logans not sleeping around doesnt count) and changed.

And while I am sure she did love Jess, it just doesnt feel right that she never said it back. Yes we got "might have loved you" but idk thats just not enough.

They were dating for such a short time compared to the others, did not even have sex (which could make a relationship appear more serious) yes they had this incredible connection, they still care so much about each other and immediately talk like they used to, even when they havent spoken in years.

So yeah, I think the timing was never right, at first Jess was too troubled, then Rory was in love with Logan, but I really do believe that not only did she always love him, i think a part of her was always IN love with him.

Now, that their lifestyles could sympathize I think she would see that, and no way he'd be like "yeah sorry too late". They needee their time, like Lorelei and Luke, but in the end I see them.

#sorry for rambling #yes the point of an open ending is that you can decide for yourself #this is what i decided #its fine if you think shes gonna be a single mother always or gonna end up with logan or whoever #not dean tho pls #let me dream #Rory gilmore #jess mariano #Gilmore Girls #a year in the life #AYITL #ayitl #gilmore girls a year in the life #Luke Danes #Lorelei Gilmore #milo ventimiglia #Alexis Bledel #Literati #rory x jess #team jess #series #soulmates #ships #luke x lorelai #logan huntzberger #team logan #dean forester #Jared Padalecki

[bisolationist]

sweetie take a deep breath. stop trying to think of your own victimhood and just listen to the full thing for a moment okay? you don't have to publish this if you are going to have a tantrum about it just try and have some empathy and reflect. we don't know what happened to you and it was probably something you have every right to feel raw about. but @female-eren is right. To talk about misogyny of rape we have to talk about the different levels of badness. It is a rude way to say it but it is true, what happened to you is bad but it does not reach the same level of horrific if we are looking at a scale of bad acts. because yes she is right that penetration is by far the highest degree by many orders of magnitude more and is the main identifier. It is like comparing an earthquake that destroys a city to one that trembles shelves. There's important reasons the legal definition of rape is penetration and we need to have the same ideas when looking at the whole. I understand that you are mad because you haven't experienced it, if you only had a glimpse you would agree your situation was much lesser and is an insult to comparison.

You rape-apologists can keep your laughable faux-concern. I'm so tired of hearing about how you're all soooo torn on the legal definition of rape, or that you think people shouldn't be mean to me uwu (what do you expect me to do? clap?) but that I need to understand how vastly inferior you think my situation is, purely on the basis that you choose not to empathize with it. The fact that y'all think you're all coming off as suuuper kind and reasonable is fucked up and fooling no one but yourselves.

I don't know why you all think this NEEDS to be a binary situation where penetration = serious horrific issue, no penetration = whiny losers who need to shut up about non-horrific bullshit.

y'all seem to think consent, use of pain or force, intentional degradation, control, use of drugs, grooming or pedophilia, and every other factor is completely irrelevant by comparison and not worth thinking about seriously.

Someone who was penetrated but didn't suffer any of the above deserves the sympathy and support of a real victim (and I do agree). But apparently, according you y'all, someone who wasn't penetrated but was begging for their rapist to stop, who was under pain, who couldn't think straight, whose body was being forced, who was being insulted and demeaned during the act intentionally - nope absolutely 0% degradation or real pain there, that's a whiny loser who needs to understand their rape is "several orders of magnitude" lesser. Like you all can hide it behind as many layers of "well you have every right to feel raw about that uwu I'm not saying it's not traumatic, I'm just saying it shouldn't be treated as an equal situation (when it's obviously soooooooo much lesser and insignificant)" as you want but it's still quite obvious you're being condescending and belittling. Eat glass. The fact you're all so eager to send me this condescending bullshit despite the fact I've made it clear I *do* know what it's like to be penetrated against my will shows you don't even care about penetration, you all care about shutting up victims that spread a message different than your two-dimensional take that just boils down "male victims bad and stupid lololol". It's been two months. Go gush with female-eren about how fucking awesome female rapists are or about how raping boys is sooo harmless and chill or whatever the fuck, but don't send it to me if it's anonymous cowardly bullshit.

#tw rape

[nateriverswife]

Salutations.

First off; I would like to thank you for humoring my questions, by far. Having been in the fandom (Death Note) for quite a while can be daunting at times considering how persistent everyone is on certain views that, more often than not, contradicts the canon itself, though I do not mind the originality. Some of the questions you might remember answering from me would be;

1. How unfair it is for everyone in this fandom to go full autobiography mode on Light Yagami but wrote a piss poor characterisation of other characters.

2. L would not enjoy fighting for Justice under Light's idea

There might be more, but these two are the ones that I remember writing and asking.

I rather enjoy reading your point of views. Being an avid Lawlight shipper myself (which you might found dissapointing, and for that, I apologise) I found it rather... boring that most, if not all, were very insistent that L would join Light's side if given the opportunity while writing him very, very poorly. I enjoy these two through the energy they emitted while actively going against each other. Not when they shook hands and went about it all the same like a carousel ride.

Second: What is your opinion on the whole Wammy's House organisation debacle? On A and B? The whole Successor Programme?

I don't like it. Having being nurtured the same as these children does, I absolutely resented it. Partly because of how harmful the product of the whole environment, largely because of how it reflects the morale ground Quillsh Wammy stood and what he believes in. I despise men in suits, even more so than people in orange jumpers or stripped, black and white outfit.

(Call me E.H. I would like for us to be friends. Mutuals.)

Please, E.H., I would be honoured to be mutuals, but how could you betray me like this? Mid-message? Dropping a bomb of that size on me and my blog?

Seriously, though, I would like that. I will overlook this little flaw of yours, because not everyone can be perfect, and I will accept you with open arms.

Okay. Really dropping the act this time. You don’t have to apologies for shipping them, even though I suppose it was more ironic than anything. I already have mutuals that are like you. I filtered out the various tags concerning L/Light – there are a lot of variations –, and I am fine.

I will survive if I add one more… Hopefully — but I think, in this case, it is more of a “probably”, because you do seem to share some of my views on the whole manga/anime and that means we have some common ground, even though I believe that is not that difficult.

I am really glad you like reading my long-ass posts, because I do enjoy writing it. I actually was waiting for some kind of feedback from you, because, truthfully, I wasn’t sure if your opinions were supposed to be just published without any input from me or if you actually wanted me to say something.

I was both confused (didn’t understand why you decided specifically my blog, since it’s not that well know) and delighted by them.

In any case, I am happy to see this message, especially the last part. You are the first person on here who explicitly stated the wish for my friendship. I didn’t expect that at all. I’ve been told that I seem intimidating, and I still don’t get why, so seeing that someone isn’t put off by this, it’s a nice feeling.

I will now get to your questions, and the post is going to be long, because it’s on a topic that I am actually working on and wanted to do a post of my own, but felt like, “why would people care?”, so I am glad that you do.

PREMISE

I need to do a premise before, because I feel like this is relevant to understanding my opinion.

I would love to kick myself in the face every time I happen to mention it (even though I do so to help my motivation), because it seems that I bring it up so many times and it’s making me annoyed, like, “can this bitch (me) just shut the fuck up already?”. However, it’s important in this context.

I am writing a fanfiction about the Wammy’s House, during L’s years there. And, since I am doing this, my idea of the Wammy’s House is crafted in a way that can make my story work, but I do realize this, so I will try to eliminate all my OCs’ stuff (I think I’ll mention them), even though I still believe that some roles or events I have created can be considered plausible (not canon, of course), because they help explain some things that I noticed about L while reading the manga.

Another thing is that this is a work in progress and while I have an outline for the plot, a lot of things about the Wammy’s are still not definitive. So, everything I say is not set in stone. [This question also made me realise that I made a huge error when it comes to the timeline of my fanfic, which screwed up half of the outline, but thank you.]

Other than this, Ohba left a wide-open door for any interpretation of Watari and the Wammy’s, because he didn’t think too much about them. He just wrote them in for plot purposes and never developed them properly, so anything goes, theoretically, so maybe I will be a bit more lenient on both. I don’t deny the possibility of them being pretty fucked up, because I cannot say that what I think is completely backed by canon. To each their own, but since you have experienced a similar environment, I had to preface this, because my view on it doesn’t adhere to the reality of some of these institutions, and I don’t want you to believe that I’m oblivious to the real-life problems that occur.

I think I took more liberty here, because I had few things to start from, and I’m really fond of the idea that the people (Roger and Watari too) at the Wammy’s were like a family, with its ups and downs (more downs than ups – even in my fic, so I realise that not everything is all peaches and cream). It’s just the wishful thinking of my younger self that so desperately wanted to be part of that world, and I have a hard time getting rid of it.

I must also say that most of my choices regarding the Wammy’s structure and organisation is based on “gut feeling”/intuition. More often than not, I feel if something is right or wrong, even though I can’t pinpoint exactly what’s the reason for that. I just have the impression that something must be in a certain way, and if I don’t comply to this, it just feels uncomfortable until I fix it.

WATARI & ROGER

I want to start from them to explain exactly what I think of these two, particularly their past and what led them to create the Wammy’s.

Reference to another post I wrote – headcanons about Roger – but you needn’t to read it, since I am going to repeat it here, and it talks more about their relationship than the Wammy’s.

In my mind, Watari was both a professor and an inventor. The professor job needed to provide for him before his inventions took off and gave him enough money to live comfortably for the rest of his life, since it seems that he was quite rich, even before L gained something.

So, together with Roger, who was his assistant, he was in close contact with different types of students and noticed the disparity between those who can study and have the resources and those who don’t them but have the abilities to continue. Of course, they couldn’t intervene in the private business of these people. Instead, they discussed knowledge, intelligence, and the social economic situation of England (and later around the world) that didn’t allow young kids, especially orphans, to develop themselves and their abilities, since they didn’t have the means.

Not trusting the state institutions with their money, they decided to take matters into their own hands and had in mind to create an orphanage that had an internal school, so they can provide them resources and knowledge, without making them sacrifice any of those.

But then a dilemma appeared: “what if some kids can learn faster than others and we end up slowing them down?”

[learn faster than others – because “prodigy” doesn’t mean anything when it comes to orphans that don’t have resources or any help from adults.]

And from that dilemma, the Wammy’s House was born. It was a specific type of the institution they had in mind, which was meant for those who seemed more capable than others.

It’s said that Watari owns different orphanages, but they are not talked about like the Wammy’s, so it’s safe to assume the main difference is this one – what kind of kids are there and what they learn.

About Roger, I honestly think that the “he hates kids” was added to have some sort of comedic effect. However, if it was meant to be taken seriously, and I do consider it canon, there are two reasons to me:

He began to hate them, as he continued to work at the Wammy’s, because they pulled pranks on him. He’s not fierce – shown to us by how he responded to Mello grabbing him and how he stopped Mello from bothering another kid. He is quite passive and not confrontational, so I believe he was an easy target for the kids, and he grew to despise their behaviour and to be quite afraid of them in a way, because, while he tried to stop Mello, his attempt was shallow. I don’t think this is because he didn’t care, but because Mello was angry at him, and his explosive nature made him cautious.

Romantic reason: the kids, and especially L, took Watari from him Watari was too occupied with his work that he almost forgot what he and Roger had. That obviously pained Roger and he began to resent the situation and those who stole him and his attention. That would explain why their relationship grew cold, because we don’t see Roger communicate with Watari once, so it means that something happened that drove them apart, aka these kids got in between.

No matter what the reason is, Roger tries to be emotionally distant from them. I have this trope that I associate with him of the grumpy old man having to deal with a kid because of circumstances he cannot control, and he grows attached to them, wanting to protect them at best of his abilities. This is my wishful thinking, but I believe he has those moments in which he thinks, “maybe they are not that bad”, and they then do something that makes him annoyed, and he’s like, “never mind”.

Watari is emotionally not present too, not because he doesn’t want to be involved, but because he is still an inventor before becoming L’s right hand indefinitely and full-time, so he has to fulfil that role and be involved in that community to promote his stuff, to develop it, and etc. Also, the Wammy’s and the other orphanages are relatively new in my opinion, because he first established them when he’s around 40-45, so a few years before L was born, and he has to make sure they all work as he wants to, and he has to make connections so he can find these kids to bring to the Wammy’s. So, he has a lot on his plate. For this reason, if the kids need to talk to him, they have to go through Roger and get a date and an hour for when he is avaliable. Roger says that if it's urgent, they can talk to him, but they are like, "no, thanks", aka they would rather eat cold and raw food for the rest of their lives.

WAMMY’S HOUSE

Location

I have actually thought about this for a long time, and even wrote a post (after I finished this section, I noticed that I was repeating word for word what I had put here, so please, consider reading it for all the reasons).

Littleton, in the north-west part of Winchester.

I know I’m kind of going the extra mile by doing this, but I’ve always done it for every structure I had to write something about, so the Wammy’s gets a real-life location too.

The actual true reason for which I chose this location is because it’s near big fields, and I needed that for plot purposes, but even without considering that, it seems to fit what we know about L’s life there.

He played tennis – there’s a tennis court 20 minutes by foot from there. Relevant that it’s by foot, because I imagined that Watari couldn’t constantly leave the Wammy’s with L for long periods of time and multiple times a week. He had other affairs to attend to, aside from his responsibility at the Wammy’s.

A’s suicide – there’s a church where he can be buried. It can be reached by foot, so the kids could attend his funeral. I also have a morbid headcanon that B took his body from his grave. I also liked to tie the church to L hearing bells before he dies, so this closeness would make it possible for everyone inside the Wammy’s to hear them.

Big space – because the Wammy’s seems to be pretty big by the manga panels we have, and I have a specific idea of how it’s structured, both its exterior and interior, so it was necessary to have many hectares available.

Structure

I made floor plans. I started this a while ago and never actually completed it, because the site I was using was infuriating, but I found an app, and managed to copy what I had done in the other one. I forgot to change the names of the rooms, because I created this to help me visualise the setting of my fic, so ignore them for now (I will point out some names there, just to explain one thing). Don't mind that they are two different sizes, because the app didn't let me make some of the furniture smaller, so I had to enlarge the rooms, so that's why the first floor is bigger.

It’s not definitive, because I still don’t understand where I should put their stairs – or if to put them, ‘cause based on Mello and L’s egos, they already think so highly of themselves that I don’t think they need a staircase to reach the first floor.

In my fic, I didn’t explicitly state where they are supposed to be. I’m letting the readers figure that one out for me, while I just stick to say if they go down or up them. The main problem is not if they should face or not the entrance, because they have to, but where the hell are on the first floor? My gut feeling keeps making me image them next to Lex’s room, but that doesn’t make sense and would be pretty ugly on the ground floor – they would be too close to the entrance, and I hate it. So, I’m just going to ignore it, until it becomes a problem, which I doubt because I’m the one writing this, and nobody is going to police every single detail.

The two unnamed bedrooms on the ground floor are for people that work there (cooks, cleaning staff or the nurse) that can’t go home for reasons.

In my fic, one of the rooms is always vacant, because I imagine that the employees are near the Wammy’s, so they don’t need to stay there, and it is a storage closet, with all of things – costumes and decorations for all kinds.

It’s a pretty big institution. The size of the rooms might not give that away, but it’s big. It has high ceilings, and the classrooms and bedrooms are longer than wider, but they are still very spacious. When I write and imagine it, even it’s from the perspective of small children, I envision everything to be comfortable even for older kids.

I couldn’t add everything I think it has, so I’ll just list them:

A small football field on the left with two benches, so the kids can rest.

Some big trees next the corners of the garden and some bushes here and there.

A stone path from the main entrance to the gate.

A shed on the right, with all the gardening tools.

The interior might not coincide with the way it is portrayed in the manga panels, but I like to imagine that after A’s death and L’s parting, things got restructured and the internal organisation changed.

Internal organisation - from the year it was founded to 1993, so even during L’s years there

I placed L’s arrival in 1988, when he’s about to turn 9, because L is shown to us to be in relatively light clothing in the one-shot “L: The Wammy’s House”, so it can’t be after 31st October. Winchester usually has a high of 11° and a low of 4° in November, and 8° and 2° in December, so I don’t see why he would be dressed up like that.

And 1993, because he says to Light that he stayed in England for 5 years, which also means that he is not from there. I headcanon him to be born in Scotland, because it’s hilarious to think he has a Scottish accent that he hides – “Bang! if Ah was kira, yoo'd be deid.” | “Looks loch someain drapped thes ceel phain in th' crowd earlier.” and so on. It’s so funny. And also, it kind of makes sense why he wasn’t in England before and why he knows standard English. He could also be from Northern Ireland, but he gives me Scottish vibes.

1993 is also the year in which I place A’s death. I don’t follow the timeline from Another Note, because I cannot imagine A and B being younger than L. I’ll talk about this later.

ENTRY

The first requisite for the kids to be brought to the Wammy’s is to show that they are more able than other (as in “able to learn to a faster speed” or show some specific ability), and they usually are kids that were in another orphanage already. Watari has a wide social network and, to me, he’s called by the people in charge of those institutions (that could be his, like he just owns it and is contact with the ones who take care of it) when they realise a kid’s ability. For this reason, rarely there are kids who are very young, and I put that the second requisite is that they have to be at least 5 years old, because the school inside it goes only from elementary school to high school.

Only in exceptional circumstances, the Wammy’s House takes on younger kids, e.g., if they are in danger and the Wammy’s is the closest place where they can stay. However, after everything is settled (a matter of a few days), they are transferred to other orphanages administrated by Watari if they are that young. They still can come back, when they are older, but it’s a lot more work to look after toddlers or pre-schoolers.

After passing the entry exam, all the kids have their own personal folders with all their existing documents – birth certificate, medical records, etc. – that will be given back to them once they leave the Wammy’s House.

While the whole letter system becomes a thing when L appears, the kids still have to choose their alias, because some of them surely have a troubled past and choosing a new name is a fresh start, as if the bad things that happened to them can’t reach them anymore inside those walls. Since making only some choose it would make them stood out, it is implemented as a general rule, and even Watari does it so it isn't seen as a bad thing.

ENTRY EXAM

To enter the Wammy’s House, there is an exam. Since every one of the kids that are sent here is with the idea that they are more able, the admission rate is 100%.

The exam covers different abilities: raging from knowledge the orphan should possess for their age to difficult stuff (this knowledge is chosen based on the national curriculum for students up to 18 years old), and it includes other scopes (e.g., musical, artistic, etc. – to understand if they have an inclination to something or if they are interested in that).

There is also a social part. Since they live into a community, it’s good to understand how to live with others. If they don’t pass this part, it doesn’t mean they get automatically excluded, but it can lower their position a bit.

There is an obvious fallacy, because if they theoretically know how to behave towards others, it doesn’t mean they employ that behaviour. In fact, most of the kids “know” how to act in a community, but they have some behavioral issues, and the higher they are in the grade system, the worse they are. I like the irony I created, so I’m keeping it in.

This exam focuses more on the thought process than the result.

THE GRADE SYSTEM

I created a system made by 6 grades + 1, which is called “Apex”.

All of them have a basic requirement in knowledge.

The first three (1 is the lowest, 3 is the highest) are more socially oriented and coincide to elementary and middle school. They mostly teach kids social skills, so they can work all together to get to a common objective, aka pass the grade. They focus on play, conversation, emotional intelligence and problem-solving skills.

When developing this, Watari thought it would be quite easy to pass it, but he was wrong. He found out that letting the kids try the test – which is, like, a presentation, a competition and a debate – every year created more hatred between them, so he had to add another year, so they could defuse these feelings and make them understand that cooperation is the best option.

The result here is not that important. The most important part is how they got there and how they all behaved towards each other, which should be inclusive. And, while the kids can maybe work better together as a class or big groups and pass the first two with ease, grade 3 is tricky. Not because the curriculum is hard, but because they need to find a person and trust that they are on the same page as them, but not everyone is eager to get to the new grade.

It never happened for someone of the age 13 to still be in the grade 3, so it was never a problem to “what if they remain there until they become 18?”, because Wammy’s existence is short at this point in time, and usually they find someone, but, in case it happens, Watari has a plan B and it’s individual classes to teach them what they should know at their age. They are still in grade 3 and they still have to do the debate with someone else, but if they pass it, depending on how much they have learnt, they can also do the exam to get to grade 5 or skip the classes about the things they already know, because the other three grades (4 is the lowest, 6 is the highest) are more individualistic. They don’t have to work with the others to pass it, so here is more important the result.

The last “grade” is not a grade, but a category. These are those who fulfilled all the requirements and are “free” to do whatever they want. It’s like they finished high school. They are not required to go to class or take some exams, unless they ask to get a degree or a master, in which case, if they need it, a professor is called to assist them and then, an external qualified examinator to test them and their knowledge. But, other than that, they are completely free.

CLASSES AND TEACHERS

Classes are semi-mandatory, and everyone is greatly encouraged to take part to all of them. Watari may even talk to those who deems more needing to be present, which are usually those in the first grades, especially if they misbehave or show anti-social behaviour.

For the first grades, there is one teacher per grade for every subject, since the syllabus is not hard. They are of course specialized in those parts. This choice was made for consistency and to create a great bond with them, since having different teachers might throw off the dynamics that exist within the class.

For the other grades, since the topics are harder, there is a different teacher for subject.

School time is a bit different from the one for the public school:

Youth Month represents the start of summer break.

Classes are resumed in September.

They have all the other breaks like Easter, Christmas and so on.

The classes are from Monday to Friday, and every student has their own timetable that may or may not coincide with those who share their same grade – it depends on what they know already, determined by a test at the end of every quarter.

ACTIVIES

Youth Month

For this, I took inspiration from youth games in Italy, which is basically an event that promotes inclusivity, sport, healthy competition, and social relations.

It’s in May, and every Sunday there is a different activity in which pairs compete. There are two different competitions based on age: 7-12; 13-17.

In 1989, I put that:

May 7: three legs run.

May 14: relay race.

May 21: treasure hunt.

May 27: cops and robbers (the last game is divided into two big groups to give a chance to gain a lot of points for those who didn’t until then).

In 1990, the only change I made is that the third game is table tennis, since it was raining outside.

Holidays

Valentine's Day, Halloween, Christmas, and New Year's Eve are the main holidays that are celebrated inside the Wammy's, because even though I believe that Watari is Christian and the orphanage has an affiliation to Christianity, I don’t think he indoctrinate the kids. That would go against the core of the Wammy’s in my opinion, because kids are supposed to think critically and accepting the existence of God without questioning it is not. They can always turn to that religion if they feel close to it, but it’s not mandatory. They don’t go to Church (imagine two old gay men having to make sure 30+ kids don’t destroy it every Sunday) nor celebrate other very Christian holidays, like Easter. They might have a feast, but it’s not publicly associated to the resurrection of Jesus.

This is a choice I made based on the fact that nobody showcases any belief in any type of supernatural entities. Mello wears a rosary, and it seems more symbolic than him actually believing and practicing the religion. I associate it to his mother, who I like to headcanon as a devoted Christian, since Eastern Europe/Balkans are very, extremely, to a worrying extent religious, to the point that people would rather go to church or call a priest home and pray instead of visiting a doctor to cure any kind of injury.

[Tangent: and the church as an institution seems like the mafia. I happened to be home in Romania when the priest and his helpers had to bless our home and they made us kneel in the dark with torches in hand. We had to kiss his ring and give him money, and it’s not like a voluntary contribution. It’s pretty much blackmailing, because if you don’t “donate”, they have the right to give your place in the graveyard to someone else, and they write it down how much you paid to see if it’s enough when you die. If it is not, your kids or relatives have to pay. It’s wild. It’s not everywhere like this, but the church is quite shady, at least in Romania, and they brainwashed people, especially older ones, to devote everything to them. It's insane.]

Halloween:

I put that a few days before Halloween one of the older kids is appointed to go around the Wammy’s and take notes of what the kids would love to eat (candies) and what they want to dress up as. Everything is done in the realm of possibilities. Watari is going to buy the costumes he can find. Usually, they are passed down from one person to another, so during L’s years, there have been enough requests to have pretty much the ones that are more common, and the only change is to make them fit the new person wearing it. Kids like also to be crafty, like for a mummy costume, they are going to use toilet paper and so on. It’s more about the candies, because he needs to buy something they will like.

In the first part of the day, Watari calls some outsiders to help him decorate the Wammy’s and carve pumpkins into jack-o'-lanterns. Some kids give a hand, but the others are more preoccupied with their costumes.

The party usually starts at 17:30, after they take a group photo under the “Hallowe’en XXXX” banner over their head. They then play games and just do their things, while eating candies and other sweets. At 19, there is a feast. After that, Watari or Roger tell the kids some age-appropriate scary stories, and at 21, Littleton has fireworks, but you really have to be lucky to see them, aka it doesn’t have to rain, and it usually does.

Since trick and treat wasn’t popular in UK until the late 80s-early 90s, I put that the kids at the Wammy’s experienced it for the first time in 1992. Watari didn’t understand it at first, because he was the one to buy candies for the kids, so why would they need to go to someone else? (Poor grandpa, feeling replaced).

Christmas:

I wanted to do something different. Watari doesn’t ask the kids what they might want, but tries to surprise them, showing that he knows them, so that he can make up for all the time he isn’t present, which is a lot. He buys the gifts and places them under the tree in the main hall. After the kids open them, they take again a group photo next to the tree and the kids have all their presents in their hand, showing them to the camera. It’s very cozy and calm holiday. They have a big feast, and the kids are let playing with their new toys. They even watch some Christmas movies.

New Years’s Eve:

Watari doesn’t prepare anything special, other than a feast. There are fireworks, and that's it.

Valentine’s day:

There are two types, for those older than 14 and those younger, because I think the Wammy’s is strict when it comes to romance (mostly about PDA), which is not that serious at that age. But it’s an important part of growing up and they cannot go around fearmongering that liking someone in a romantic sense is bad. That would defeat the purpose of the first 3 grades. If you can’t like someone in that way, then you can’t even get near them, as to avoid the possibility of that feeling to develop.

Generally, everyone gets chocolates and candies, but they are also required to write a nice card to someone else. This person is chosen by extraction – done by Watari, who can pretend that is random, but it’s actually not.

In my fic, they usually write stupid things, like “you are funny”, but some of them get someone they have petty rivalry with, and so they write backhanded compliments, because they can go to Watari and complain about the card, and the sender can just lie that they meant it, that it’s all in good faith.

Those that are older than 14 can ask Watari a gift to buy to someone, but of course, it’s fucking embarrassing to go and ask him that, so they usually just gift their sweets to that person and do a hand-made card for them, if they feel like it. Only those that are braver go to ask him to buy a rose, a special card or something.

Stargazing

I added this activity for the summer break, in which they all gather in a nearby field and look at the sky on some specific days.

There is also an astronomer called by Watari that can answer their question, but the reason for this was to let the kids feel a bit freer and not confined within the gates of the Wammy’s, especially the younger ones that can’t go to the recreational ground. They can play some games there, but usually they just lay on the ground and talk with each other. There is a telescope they can use.

Recreational ground

There’s a park near the Wammy’s – 20 minutes by foot, but they usually use bicycles to get there.

Only those age 13 or up can go there. They can’t go alone, but always with someone. If someone age 11 or up wants to go, they need to be accompanied by someone age 16 or up, because those of 13-14-15 might not pay attention to them that much, even if they say, “yes, of course”.

For extra measure, Watari has the numbers of those who live near the park, that can contact him in case something happens. Those under 11 can’t go there under no circumstances. I decided this because the roads that take to the park are not safe for riding bicycles, and there is an age limit for doing that on the road.

Other than the necessary stuff for riding the bicycles, they have a tag with the number of the Wammy’s and a bag with Wammy’s insignia on it, because I did create it. It was just a vision in my mind, but I did a draft using picsart and color, so here you go. It’s not well made, since the lines of the ribbon banner are not straight. The ribbon banner I took from Google had such a bad quality that I could see each pixels (like in the first picture), so I had to draw over the border to make it more full.

The picture on the left was the first version.

The first idea was to have a W with an H behind it, like this.

But I decided to change it, also because it has all the letters of Watari.

Everything that is propriety of the Wammy’s House has this on.

SUCCESSOR PROGRAMME

Premise

First and foremost, I don’t like the idea of Watari being the one to impose it on everyone, without any regard for what they want to do, because I think he’s experienced enough with kids to know that you can't just force them to do something. They won’t. You can coerce them by using violence and threats, but none of the kids that we know of showcase any sign of being physically abused.

It’s also important to note that not everyone in the Wammy’s is competitive. Mello is the only one who wants to be at the top. Matt and Linda don’t care, and neither does Near. He is just first because he is that smart. However, this is after.

Competitiveness is more prevalent in the system I had created, because being in the Apex means not having to follow classes or have to listen to teachers. That’s the prime reason for why people want to reach it. It’s not about prestige, because I don’t think the kids, especially younger ones, have that concept wired in their brain. And usually, as a self-preservation technique, people tend to consider negative something they cannot reach/have and that opinion is automatically applied to those who can enjoy it, which makes them want to stay away from it so nobody thinks that of them, but if they had the chance to join it, they would take it in a heartbeat.

E.g., imagine someone that wants to go to a water park, but they find out that the entrance costs a lot or it’s far away. They are more likely to think, “well, it wasn’t that good to being with” or that it’s only for rich bastards or something, rather than accept that it just happens. They will even talk badly about it to others. However, if they manage to get in, they will enjoy every second of it.

So, in this case, while advancement is okay, getting to the higher position is pretty much a curse, because if you act in a certain way that is redeemed rude, then the reason is considered to be your status.

In my fic, when A and B got in to the Apex, people started to have a negative opinion of them. They have always been on their own, but since they are now reserved AND in the Apex, then it’s because they think too highly of themselves and less of others, which makes people find them some times annoying, even when they are doing nothing wrong. They might still interact with them nicely, but that doesn’t mean they like them.

Secondly, the general theme of the Death Note is that people are responsible for their own downfall in a way, so I’m going to follow that when it comes to its establishment and organisation.

L's idea

Unlike others in the fandom, I consider A and B to be older than L (4 years apart), so the successor programme was first tasted out when L was living there. Decided this because I want him to see what he caused, and for the reasons in the post I hyperlinked.

I have a kind of specific yet not definitive idea of how L’s life before the Wammy’s was. I won’t write all down because I don’t think it’s that important. The only part that is, is the fact that he managed to stop a terroristic attack to get Watari’s attention, because “go big or go home”, and he was the one who decided to establish the successor programme.

Establishment

When he arrived at the Wammy’s, he wanted immediately to get down to business, and asked Watari to talk to the smartest people there: A and B, together.

L introduced the idea for “when I’m away”, as in “when I am taking a break” – because I imagine him to ramble about his career to Watari in the days they stayed together before going back to the Wammy’s and on the 8-10 hours long trip, and Watari pointed out to him that he needed to have time to play/free time, and L said that he was right, that he’d put someone in his place for that time, he’d teach them what he knew, because he was very good at it, he was basically justice itself for how many things he knew – but A and B took that as in “when he dies”.

It was in that moment that L took everything more seriously. They talked for hours. A and B asked him lots of questions about that project, the possibility of that to happen, and how to make sure that it can last for a long time.

And while the conversation started as more of an abstract idea, after L showed them what he managed to do, they were both impressed and eager to learn to be able to do the same. They too had an interest in solving riddles, and… C’mon, it’s cool to be a detective, especially one that was supposed to be the greatest.

They discussed the technicalities and decided not to limit themselves only to two members, so that’s how the successor programme was actually created. It was also A and B to decide their own names, because they said that, since he’s called L, they too should have they own letters, and, while talking, they said, “I would be an alternative” and “if you are that, then I’ll be your backup”, so that’s how they got them.

Basically, it started with L, but A and B became co-owners of this programme in a way, and L didn’t mind it, because they were older than him, seemed wiser, and he looked up to them in a way.

For the others, the letters were chosen in two different ways: the first five smartest people there would be the first letters of the alphabet, while the others would have their own letter based on their real name, because five people were enough.

And I say, “smartest people”, but A and B advised L to look for other qualities other than that, because you can have someone that is extremely intelligent, but if they are extremely reckless too, then that detective persona is doomed to fail.

All three of them talked to kids in grades 4-5-6 and the Apex (in my fic, there are other two people here) about this project, but they weren’t obliged to accept. They let L speak, who explained what they were planning to do, showed them what he did, and gave them the choice to accept or not. If they didn’t accept, they would ask them to not divulge the information they discussed. In my fic, no one actually says no, because they think it’s awesome.

In case they accepted, he granted them a wish, something that he would fulfil, so that, if they wouldn’t get chosen, at least they wouldn’t think they wasted time. It’s a quality I noticed in L, while reading the manga. I explained it in my long post about the characters: he compensates his actions, which I think it’s something he picked up as he started to be interested in solving cases (before he arrived at the Wammy’s), because he saw what criminals had to do after they got caught doing something bad, and wasting people’s time is bad.

So, everyone had a choice and L, initially, worked mostly with the first five people in the successor programme, but not immediately.

In my fic, there is the MC that tries to destroy him and his project, but even without her, it makes sense that he would take time, years even, to make sure this project can operate without any vulnerabilities. He’s far-sighted and took things more seriously, thanks to A and B’s inputs, so he wanted to create a solid foundation for this detective persona and the project.

However, he didn’t spend all his time thinking about that, because he is also a child, so he experienced a bit of his childhood: he participated in Wammy’s activities, played with the other kids, spent his time picking and giving up interests, etc. He even had tennis practices and tournaments, so it’s not like he just solved cases. He still did – smaller ones – but not all the goddamn time. He was also into stocks, and he had to pay attention to that too.

To me, he started when he was 12-13 to solve them periodically, but not publicly, just to have some credibility in the eyes of England’s law enforcement, that could then recommend him to other national law enforcement, slowly building up his empire.

There wasn’t this urgency or this pressure to be like him. It was like a long-period plan that still had to show its fruits. L wouldn’t even tell all the members everything he solved – just the first five, because he would give them the case files to practice their skills.

ALTERNATIVE / A

So, he was older than L and participated to the establishment of the successor programme.

For the first years, he didn’t actually think too much about it, but as he was slowly approaching being 18, he started to have doubts about his abilities, because, as said before, L gave him case files to solve and he wasn’t able to get any of them entirely right. He still didn’t want to admit defeat and be a disappointment in the other eyes’, so he tried times and times again. This had an impact on his mental health, of course.

L noticed this change in attitude and told him that he can switch places with B. He had no problem with it, but A, instead of admitting that he wasn’t fit for the position, preferred to argue with him, damaging their relation.

The situation was really heavy for him, and since telling the truth was worse than anything else, his first attempt to leave it was by running away from the Wammy’s. That didn’t go well, because B, with a group of people there, managed to find him. A invented some kind of excuse, that he was being followed and didn’t want to bring them to the orphanage. B didn’t buy it, and they too started to argue.

So, in that case, telling the truth was worse than death and he couldn’t bear the idea of being a complete failure, and killed himself.

That’s how I see how things went, more or less. And L was blamed for it. The successor programme was interrupted, and some of them decided not to participate anymore, even though they could always return, once and if it would be resumed.

L left the Wammy’s the same year, before turning 14, which is important, because B kills a 13-years old girl by bashing her head, and that what I think he wanted to do to L (in my fic, it’s him and the MC, but whatever) at that time, but couldn’t.

In my fic, A’s name at the Wammy’s is Natal, because it means birth/birthday. And B’s name is Elioenai, which means “towards him are my eyes”. Now, this can have different interpretations: the “eyes” could mean the Shinigami eyes and “him” could be Natal, or L. I am not sure how much I consider him having the Shinigami eyes to be canon. It’s an interesting concept, but I don’t understand how that would be possible, like what led to that and what else does it mean for B? Is he part Shinigami? Or his mother had wild sex with a Shinigami, that then got some type of punishment by the King, because it’s against the rules?

I don’t know, so I don’t count them as canon, to be honest. Cool, but I don’t get it.

For me, Beyond Birthday means also “After Natal”.

BEYOND BIRTHDAY / B

I don’t believe he went completely insane after A’s death. In my mind, he was always kind of shady, ruthless, based on survival instinct and self-preservation. He had an attachment to A, but he had no problem to consider him also a tool that he could use and then discard, if he needed to. He loved him, but he always prioritized himself, at the end of the day.

I associate to them the betrayal trope - Was It All a Lie?

If things went differently and A became L, that would not last long, because B would kill him so that he could succeed him, and nobody would question it, because they wouldn’t know what truly happened.

A’s death screwed up his plan and blamed L for it. He wanted to take his place, but he first needed his detective persona to be well established. He let L do the hard work to create it. A mostly gave some inputs to help him, while B supervised it, to make sure that everything was going according to his plan.

Since A was chosen as first successor, he couldn’t convince him to switch places, because he didn’t want him and L to have the impression that he really wanted that.

He honestly believed that L would be the first one to crack, because he was younger, but when A died and the project stalled for an indefinite period of time, he couldn’t take it. He planned his life to go in a certain way, but now L wouldn’t work as L anymore for an indefinite time, making no progress, and the project was a big question mark, without any information on when or if it would be resumed? That made him see red.

If he couldn’t become L, then nobody deserved it, and he decided to impersonate L and ruin his career. If he had managed to kill himself in Another Note, while Misora still believed him to be L, then that would’ve had irreparable damages to L’s credibility (Misora would tell Raye, who would tell to the FBI, and etc.), and L would’ve needed a lot of time to get that trust back.

That’s one of my interpretations of the LABB case, because I can’t really explain why B decided to that. We take for granted that the Another Note is canon, given also the praise by Ohba, but… It’s not. I have a hard time to consider things about L published after the manga conclusion canon, because they usually follow the fandom’s reaction. I consider the two one shots about Near canon, because Near has never had the same kind of fanbase L did and does, so it’s easy to not be influenced by what other people think.

In Another Note’s case, it’s also written by someone else and, even though it might be weird to say it, it’s a fanfiction in my eyes, that Ohba considers canon because he is lazy, and couldn’t come up with any type of case L solved. He said that himself.

I pick and choose, basically. I could also throw Another Note out the window, with A and B, and pretend they don’t even exist, and I wouldn’t be “wrong” in doing so, but I like them, even though some parts of the novel leave me confused, because it contradicts the canon.

AFTER A'S DEATH

I haven’t thought about this too much. I have just a general idea of the fact that the orphanage got restructured in some way, but don’t know what exactly changed. It’s just my gut feeling telling me that, as well as saying that the grade system got replaced by a simple graduation list, who ranked the kids based on points they gathered during the year by doing tests, and etc. Can’t go in-depth, because there is nothing here that I actually explored. It isn’t important in my fic, so I haven’t paid too much attention to that. I might start to think about it in the future, but I still want to submit my answer.

It gets tricky when it comes to who decided that Mello and Near are meant to be his successors. It makes sense that it would be something imposed to them, but they seem to want it. Near takes on the title of his successor and even tells Light that he is that, meaning that he does not despise it. Mello clearly wants to be the best, and the best in his eyes is L, and I think this is due to the fact that L, during their time, is an established figure in the world and they want to be like him. He came from the Wammy’s, which tells them that they can reach that level of grandiosity.

In the 2013 “It’s not about justice" one-shot, it said that some of the kids lose respect for L and keep their distance, so it is not mandatory for everyone to be part of the successor programme. Maybe even here, it’s mainly for the best in the institution, so that position was offered to Near, Mello and Matt (third in line).

Mello accepted for obvious reasons. Near because he likes to solve puzzles. Matt because, “yeah, why not”, but never believed that he would ever end up actually taking on that role, because Mello was in front of him.

Here, they are not given letters in an alphabetical order, so there isn’t a first or a second for L’s position (it exists only inside the Wammy’s), and it ties well with what I said before about A and B. A felt like he needed to become L and couldn’t back down or ask for help because he was "A", but now, who feels fit will take on L’s role and can also work with the other, without feeling like they need to do things alone.

I doubt L would make the same mistake twice and impose such job on only one person. Besides, I don’t think L believed to die that young, so while they taught them some important skills to be a detective, the idea was that they will become L later in life – in their 40/50s. Unfortunately, L died young and so even the successors were young.

Maybe it’s just naivety on my part, and the interpretation of the majority in this fandom of the Wammy’s House, Watari and the Successor Programme is more accurate than mine.

Of course, characters’ individual experience of the Wammy’s can be absolutely horrendous and they are not fond of the institution, but I don’t think Wammy’s House was born or became as something meant to create copies of L, especially because Near and Mello’s, as well as Matt and Linda’s, personalities and thought processes aren’t a carbon copy of his. They are their own people, in some way.

That’s all I had to say. I think I wrote enough to get a grasp of my idea of everything, even though there are some parts that I did not disclose or aren’t definitive. So, keep that in mind – I might as well wake up one day and decide to consider Wammy’s a factory of Ls, that resembles the common depiction of Hell in cartoons, but I highly doubt it.

Hope you like it. Let me know. And thank you for the ask, as always.

I kept thinking who you might be, based on when you sent the asks and my notifications around that time – maybe to find a correlation (e.g., you read something I wrote and thought of talking about that) – and I identified some accounts. Some of them are mutuals, that I can now exclude. The other non-mutuals that ship L/Light but have views that are different from yours. So, when I said that maybe I know who you might be, I think I was wrong, so I am quite curious to find out the truth.

Take care, E.H.

#as always - hopefully my english is good lmao #thx again #death note #death note meta #l lawliet #beyond birthday #wammy's house #quillish wammy #watari #roger ruvie #mihael keehl #alternative #mail jeevas #nate river #dn.inbox #dn.general

[literaticat]

hi Jenn! I get why you aren’t supposed to submit like multiple MG but why isn’t it okay to submit an MG and a PB or a PB and a YA at the same time for the same time?

I don't understand the question. Like agents submitting to editors?

There are totally valid reasons for an agent to avoid submitting multiple projects from a client at once, as you say, if both projects are likely to be going to the same editors/imprints -- we REALLY try to stay away from doing that, it's overwhelming for the editors, etc. So, as you say, that's a nope on two MG going out at the same time, or even something like a MG and a YA that are the same kind of tone and likely going to the same editors.

But just on the face if it, without any additional context, I don't really think there's any reason why it wouldn't be OK to submit totally different categories of book at the same time, especially if the are quite different (like nonfiction PB selling to a mostly-PB imprint and YA fiction selling to a YA imprint) -- assuming they are both ready to sell. There's just not a lot of crossover there, they'd be going to totally different editors at different imprints, it should not be a problem.

I'd personally avoid sending to the same imprint even if different editors -- it's just confusing and might lead to bad blood. So like, if an editor at Dial/PRH were considering your YA, I would probably NOT send the PB to a different editor at Dial. They share the same editorial / acquisitions meetings and boss, it would be bizarre to have two editors both trying to bring in an author on different projects at the same time.

But there would be no reason I couldn't send the PB to some other publisher entirely -- or even a different PRH imprint that doesn't share meetings and a boss with Dial!

Anyway -- TL;DR, generally speaking I don't think it IS a problem, as long as there is no crossover between the editors/imprints. But your own circumstances and manuscripts might dictate a different strategy. If you don't understand why your agent has a particular strategy -- ask them!

[whentranslatorscry]

Chapter 2: Kakushidate Yakusuke Commissioning (2/2)

"Y-yes, that's right."

"What she wrote is very detrimental for my client, so confirming its authenticity, that's what this is about, correct?"

"...Mhm, right."

She's right that she's right, but the way she said it made it sound like Kondou-san and I were conspiring to cover up that will, and I was starting to feel guilty.

Sure she could interpret it like that—why should anyone be looking for some sort of "truth" beyond the handwritten will she left behind? Wanting to find some other truth could easily be seen as shirking responsibility, as shameful behavior.

"Responsibility… hm?"

Kyouko-san smiled meaningfully.  

Meaningfully, and shrewdly.

"She may have been moved by manga to attempt suicide, but I do not think the author bears any responsibility."

"Huh?"

"Apologies, just my personal opinion. I'm a detective, I only think in legal terms. If a reader really did commit suicide because of a manga, the charge would probably be incitement to suicide, but there's almost no chance of such a prosecution succeeding."

"......"

Kyouko-san said that this was her "opinion"...but I feel such a firm and steadfast opinion could just as well be called a "viewpoint". At least it's different from my "impressions". 

What she said may be salvation for Kondou-san, but for me it's still not that clear-cut.

Legal liability aside, the question of moral responsibility was another matter entirely. Even just the example Kyouko-san cited earlier, of using the law to assign blame, could itself provoke an emotional backlash.

"Ahaha. If you put it that way, the term 'moral responsibility' is quite strange, isn't it— oh, come to think of it, maybe there's already a law like that and I've just forgotten it. Book burnings and censorship is nothing new in history after all."

Regardless, the forgetful detective of today alone clearly isn't equipped to resolve the issue of regulating creative freedom. 

Kyouko-san shrugged her shoulders, bringing the derailed conversation back on track. 

"All I can resolve is this particular case."

That's of course enough— debating over "laws that restrict creative freedom" or "an atmosphere that suppresses creative freedom" here would be pointless. 

Still, on the topic of creative freedom, I expect that by this afternoon, Kyouko-san will be discussing it with the key man, Fumoto... 

I do hope she doesn't say anything too sharp— I'm worried enough as it is. 

Kyouko-san's appearance being as composed as you see, perhaps owing to her attitude of "I'll forget it tomorrow anyway", she can be completely oblivious to propriety when conversing or debating. 

I don't think it would be ideal at all for her to take that approach with Fumoto-sensei who's driven himself into a corner thinking of withdrawing from the world entirely...

To someone self-blaming, saying "You are not to blame at all"— this kind of total denial of their feelings may cause them to shut their heart even more and go "You don't understand me at all".

There's no telling how things will develop.

"I hope you can promise me first that the task I'm about to take on is still an investigation after all, and even if the results are not what Kondou-san hoped for, I will not distort the contents of the report. This one point, please be sure to understand."  

"Ah, okay. I can certainly understand that. I don't mean to ask you to fabricate investigation results either."  

Some detectives have claimed that making things up is part of the job (known as "fabricating detectives"), but I know well that Kyouko-san was not that kind of detective— moreover, Kondou-san would be the last person to want such despicable conduct.

Regarding how to respond from the standpoint of the editorial department and publishing company, that's another thing. If the cause of a middle school girl's suicide attempt really is related to works previously published by them, he wouldn't evade that fact either—

Just the kind of guy he is.

Therefore— what needed to be faced was the malaise he felt.

Something didn't felt quite right— everything felt too right.

Somehow deliberate…

Recalling Kondou-san's words again, I still don't understand his implication, or perhaps what he wants Kyouko-san to investigate is not just the truth behind the incident, but also to find out through her investigation what exactly is the malaise he senses.

"Aha, I've got it all figured out already."

Out of the blue, Kyouko-san casually said this.

"Really? So you've already figured it out… Wait, what?"

Because she spoke so casually, I almost let her words go in one ear and out the other.

Say what?

"Wha..what do you mean you've got it all figured out?"

"Just what I said, I've got a theory. I figured out what Kondou-san was saying during my previewing. Yes, I agree with him, that the whole thing is full of malaise. It's truly worthy of a professional editor to pick up on that, his sensibilities are rich."

"……"

If such is the case, the sensibilities of professional detectives should also be very rich—it seems that she had already grasped what Kondou-san's malaise was before meeting him in person. 

With this previewing, won’t class be dismissed early? The fastest detective has indeed performed her knack to the fullest.

"That kind of discomfort, can it be clearly articulated in words? Not just based on feeling.." 

"Because it's a feeling that something is not right, it's a senses problem, but it can still be described quite clearly with words! I believe it can be cogently explained to a certain extent."

To really explain the 'offness' that Kondou-san was unable to articulate so clearly herself—I don't believe it.

"Hmm...how should I put this. I don't exactly know Kondou-san's character very well, but I guess he probably has some idea. As I speculate, it's not that he can't describe it with words, it's more that he's struggling to describe it."

"Is that so...?"

I don't quite understand the subtle difference between "can't describe" and "struggling to describe."...If Kondou-san had already noticed what that malaise was, he wouldn't have entrusted her, right?

...Incidentally, Kyouko-san said she didn't exactly know Kondou-san's character, but they have actually met several times before.  

She just forgot.  

"Could you please tell me? What exactly is that malaise?"

"If I answered your question now I would be forced to explain the same reasoning twice, once in the morning and once in the afternoon, so please allow me to clarify in the afternoon." 

She firmly refused me with a sweet smile.  

It seemed that for a detective who values efficiency, having to waste time presenting the same reasoning twice would be insufferable to the point of being "forcing", as she put it.

Clarify it when meeting Kondou-san and Fumoto-sensei in the afternoon. Certainly a reasonable approach. So what about wasting time playing with my plaster cast... 

"Since you have the opportunity, why don't you try reasoning too, Yakusuke-san? Because with just the information at your disposal, you can already establish a certain degree of conjecture."

She said.

"O-okay...I'll try my best." 

I didn't think I could get anywhere just by trying my best, but since she'd proposed it, I had no choice but to go along.

"However, as a detective, merely grasping that something feels off is hardly considered getting the job done. Therefore, now that the details of the request have been clarified, it's about time to take action, Yakusuke-san."

"Huh? Take what action..."

"Since I'm a woman of action and not some armchair detective, shall we walk and talk?"

If anyone was an armchair detective, it would be me, crippled as I was.

That being said, I was well aware Kyouko-san was an action type. She was the type who can't sit still, and who knows where she'll run off to if I take my eyes off her.

It was a cruel request to make of a man with a fractured leg, 'Shall we walk and talk?', but I decided not to make a fuss about it. If we were heading to the Sakusousha, wasn't it a bit early?

We were to meet with Kondou-san at one in the afternoon— it wasn't even eleven yet. From the hospital to the publishing company, it wouldn't take more than half an hour, even with delays. Even if we wanted to have lunch on the way, this was too early to start.

If that's the case, wouldn't it be better to stay in that hospital room and clarify some details first, instead of chatting while walking? No matter how much you value speed, there is no point in wasteful rushing around.

Kyouko-san should understand this better than anyone.

"No no, we're not heading directly to the publishing company.I want to do an on site investigation first. That is, the place where you had the fortune... oops, misfortune to break a bone. We're heading to the mixed residential-commercial building where the middle school girl—Sakasaka Masaka-chan—jumped from."

"......!"

Detectives are amazing. She already knew the full name of the middle school girl even though it hadn't been publicly announced. But, I hadn't considered visiting the scene.

Although the attempted suicide of a child, a very severe case indeed. It lacked the "eventfulness" typical of mystery novels, so generally, there was no need for an on-site investigation.

However, Kyouko-san seemed to think otherwise.

I wasn't sure how necessary it was, but she, who wasn't keen on wasting time explaining the same reasoning twice, must have had her reasons for wanting to go.

If she wanted me to guide her, I had no reason to refuse.

"But, Kyouko-san, before we go to the publishing company, um... if we make a detour to where the girl jumped, we'll be pressed for time. Because the direction is just opposite…"

"Oh, that's simple,"

Kyouko-san said, nonchalantly. 

"We just have to skip lunch."

Prev | Next

#translation #okitegami kyouko #the testament of okitegami kyouko

[mint-yooxgi]

relating to your most recent post, this is honestly why i appreciate writers so much. we as readers would never be able to understand the struggles through all the planning, writing, editing, publishing, all of the doubts and problems faced by the authors of the story. while we simply just read and like and reblog afterwords, while we cry, get mad, laugh, blush, smile while enjoying the story, YOU have to write and work hard and still has to face criticism after (not that theres anything to criticize anyway). i cannot thank you enough for doing what you do. after a long day of work, your stories are what i look forward to as part of my relaxation process. so thank you for doing this. you are an incredible writer and i hope youre doing okay. please stay safe, happy, healthy, and always prioritise yourself first. have a great day :)

The squeal I let out was inhuman omg thank you so very much for sending this lovely ask!!! My heart is so full after reading such kind words, I really appreciate this so much!! It's true, there's so much stuff that goes on behind the scenes of literally everything that I think many don't quite grasp just how much work, time, and effort go into creating literally anything. I think every content creator can relate to this in some way, and I think that speaks to the tremendous amount of talent and patience it takes to make literally anything. It means the world to me to know that there are people out there that look forward to and enjoy my writing. You guys really do help motivate me a lot of the time, so I literally cannot thank you enough. You're so sweet, and I hope you're also making sure to take good care of yourself, too!!

#ask #literally the sweetest #omg #thank you so much #!!! #I'm soft #uwu #my heart is full

[stargatelov3r]

For ao3 wrapped - all of them! Because it's fun to do 🙂

thank you so so much! *draws up my ao3 page*

ao3 wrapped [writers edition]

How many words have you written this year?

25,389

How many works did you publish this year?

17!!! (whaaat???)

What work are you most proud of (regardless of kudos/hits)?

it's a tie between An Unexpected Party (teylabeth) because it's my longest fic yet (i honestly didn't know i could write more than 3k but this one is over 6k!) and Finally (plant couple) because I think it's one the works where i got the characterization just right!

What work of yours has the most hits?

Kiss me better (MSR)

i completely forgot that i wrote for msr this year but i think this was one of the fics that i wrote at another time and then just polished and eventually published it :) it got 640 hits o.0 (which is understandable given the fact that msr is a huuuuuge ship)

What work of yours got more feedback than you expected?

umm... every work that got feedback was more than i expected! especially for the rarepairs (which is most of what i write). the plant couple community was amazing! so to answer this question i'm gonna name Not Just Any Plant which is my first plant couple fic i wrote and which was so lovely received by the small community, but also Finally (also plant couple) and What Happens on the Mainland... (teylabeth drabble collection)

Favorite title you used

"Where Do I Begin"

If you use song lyrics, which artist’s songs did you pull from the most?

for this year it was Shirley Bassey with "(Where Do I Begin) Love Story" but in general all kinds of artist inspire me, that's why i have a playlist called "one day i will write fanfics to these songs"

Pairing you wrote the most for this year?

Teylabeth! I wrote a bunch of drabbles for them but i think also in terms of words i wrote most for them! *checks stats* okay actually i wrote most works (10!!) for teylabeth but i wrote about 1000 more words for plant couple (plant couple are T'Rina/Saru from Star Trek Discovery btw)

Favorite pairing you wrote for this year?

I think plant couple again? I feel like i'm really able to capture their characters and it's easier to write them than e.g. teylabeth, who i looove, but i think i don't have a real grasp on Teyla (yet)

also plant couple are just so soft and stupidly in love and SOFT i cannot... as a fluff writer they are just perfect

What work was the quickest to write?

hm, that's probably one of the drabbles, they don't take much time for me

What work took you the longest to write?

i think that was "Finally". I used to write fics very quickly and edit them and then post or i would forget about them. but with finally i took my time and really wrecked my brain and rewrote a lot of stuff until i was content with it :) maybe another reason why i am most proud of it, because i had the strength and will to finish it

How many WIP’s do you have in your docs for next year?

I honestly don't know bc as i said i forget about a lot of my fics and never return to them so i don't really count them as WIPs, as for those i still want to finish/work on... maybe five?

What WIP are you taking into next year with you?

a few teylabeth ones, one samjack one that spawed from a 5 hour phone call with a friend, and a J/C smut one

What’s your most common “Additional Tags” tag?

"Fluff" followed by "Drabble"

Your favorite character to write this year?

I think it was T'Rina from Star Trek Discovery <3 i loved to explore her vulcan-ness struggling with feeling feelings <3

The character that gave you the most trouble writing this year?

I think it was Teyla, as i mentioned before i sometimes feel like i haven't quite gotten a grasp on her

What’s one pairing you want to explore next year?

I want to continue to write for Plant Couple, maybe something else than fluff ;) also i want to continue to write for Teylabeth and maybe come back to SamJack and JC. I also would looove do explore some other f/f ships, maybe even someone (cough vanessa x chloe cough) from SGU (i suck at giving straight answers. it's a trait i got from my dad)

Which work of yours have you reread the most?

ahahahaha people reread their own works??? jk, but i seriously do not reread a lot of my fics. i think i reread one of my plant couple fics once... no i'm not kidding, and i'm not sure which one it was. I did feel like i read Finally a lot of times but that's because i was editing it for so long

How many kudos in total did you get this year?

210! whooooot! yall are champions <3

Which work has the most comments?

"Not Just Any Plant" (plant couple)

Did you write any gifts this year?

I did! I wrote Tuttleroot Soup for you, @whiskayjack, and Nightmares for @kira-nerys-rocks and cleverlycrusher

Did you receive any gifts this year?

also yes! and i want to take this opportunity to thank each and every one of the gift givers!

i got one of my fics (Stargazing) podfic-ed by the amazing @itstartedwithalex

I also got "Like Friends, They Cover Me" by @kira-nerys-rocks

and I also want to add Stardust by falcon_writes even though i got it in 2023!

thank you so so much yall!

What’s your most common category?

f/f <3

What do you listen to while writing?

Sometimes i listen to the song that inspired me to the fic, or one of my ship playlists, or just generally the music i'm listening to atm. but i usually do have some music on

I didn't answre all but most of them! this was a fun thing to do this evening :) thank you again for the ask :)

#ao3 wrapped #ao3 #whiskeyjack #i accidentally posted this while still having most of it to go oops #asks #answered #sga #st disco

[spoiledleaff]

@x-aki-tsuki-x hello again! :D it's just me, haha! the comment character limit drives me crazy as well, so i hope it's alright that i chose to just respond to you in an extra post! :) i just know that i'd be sending you way too many little responses in your comment section, haha! so, i hope you don't mind, but i ended up making a separate post! :D

oh! yeah, i can certainly see where the concern would be, especially considering that i see much the same thing, haha! i'm a little biased, though, as i am a smut writer, hehe. although, i think i mentioned this before when touching on your fetishization concerns in the tags? but, porn/smut is actually super popular on ao3, as well! i mean, in just the ghost fandom tag alone, the explicit fics alone are over double the amounts of mature fics! let alone any of the other ratings! of course, not all of these works are porn! some are merely heavy topics safely tagged, but a good portion is still... well, uh, spicy stuff! haha! again, i definitely can't speak for all trans smut writers, but for me at least, i write trans smut as a means to project and cope. :) i mentioned this earlier, but some of the reasons why i love writing and reading porn that focuses on trans characters is mostly for the interactions and relationships between trans characters and their respective partners! it's just kind of comforting to know that there are people, even if they are fictional, that can love and accept trans bodies for how they are :) it's comforting! and, i mean, hey, it's kinda fun too, haha!

absolutely! i mean, to me, that's the whole fun about fanfiction! :D especially with such a vague universe like ghost! i personally love writing the ghouls as a genderfluid species in general! so, honestly, it just depends on how they're feeling! or, in this case of content creation, what kind of body type or identity or dynamics i may be itching to write about or draw! personally, it's not just dew or copia! i love writing and drawing nonbinary zephyr, trans mountain, intersex mist, and even trans sunshine and genderqueer cirrus! :D i mean, that's the whole fun behind this sort of thing! and, hey, if you prefer to think of dewdrop as a cis man with a cock? that's totally fine! :D i certainly don't mind if an author or artists depicts him as either or, or even as intersex! there's always some fun for some gender-fuckery, haha! mhm, respectfully, i don't quite agree with you on the trans community in the ghost fandom demanding that he's only ever trans. but, perhaps i'm a little biased and i just don't see it :0 although, unrelated perhaps, but i do believe it's important, especially in terms of published fanfiction, for respective pronouns and anatomical terminology to be acknowledged and addressed before reading :) i know that trans porn isn't necessarily everyone's cup of tea, so i always try to acknowledge these sorts of things in summaries or author's notes :0 i don't think this sort of preference is transphobia? i think this is really just... well, having a preference! i think a lot of people tend to gravitate towards content that can relate to and vibe with! i know that i'm certainly not writing content for cishet people, so, to be honest, i don't expect a lot of cishet people to be included in my audience :) nothing against them! that's just not who my content is for, and i understand that :)

i agree :) maybe this is the people-pleaser side of me? haha! but i don't think there should be any arguing about a character's gender identity, haha! i mean, to me that's just such a silly thing to argue over! i mean, if you vibe and relate better to cisgendered ghouls? that's totally fine! i'll just be over here transgendering all the ghouls eight ways 'till sunday, haha! our preferences don't quite match? but that's okay! :) doesn't mean we can't be civil about our preferences, you know? :) oh! i also saw one of your comments bringing up the subject of why it's always copia or dew being represented as trans characters? i don't have, like, a definite answer for you! but, i think that one of the main-ish reasons is that both characters already seem to have pretty prominent identity crises? whether it be canon or fanon, i think those sort of conflicts really resonate with a lot of people! trans people especially, hehe :) but! trust me my friend, when i say i'm working on trans-ing the genders of everyone? ohoho, i'm working on it! >:)

oh, that's amazing, haha! my regards to your friend! :D he sounds like a riot, haha! i actually just wanted to take some time to address a couple of your previous comments on dew's mannerisms towards the crowd? as well as the connection of genitalia towards identity! :) i know a good amount of women, both cis and trans women, haha! who use that sort of wanking off gesture! whether it's a joke or an insult, it seems to be a favorite among some people i know, haha! additionally, there are plenty of ways for modern society to help people feel more comfortable with their bodies! there's ways to pack to help achieve a desired look and feeling! golly, there's so many options for packing or even for tucking, wow! so, again respectfully, i do have to disagree on that point! :) oh! another kinda personal thing, haha! i personally don't experience bottom dysphoria! :D or, at least, not enough to look into getting bottom surgery :) for now, at least, i'm totally content with living the rest of my life with only having completed top surgery, and still living my life with a vagina/traditionally female reproductive system :) however! i know that there are plenty of people who are very much interested in bottom surgery as part of their transition goals! but, damn, my friend!! that shit's expensive, haha!! :'D so, again, i do have to respectfully disagree with you on those fronts :) gender identity is so expansive and inclusive nowadays! :D it's amazing, haha! people can feel more comfortable with who they are, and there's so many different options for people to feel more comfortable in their bodies! :D when i was younger, i know that reading generalized trans fanfiction where men were still dealing with periods, or maybe just take a moment to have a bit of confidence in how their tits looks in that one shirt? haha! those sorts of fics really helped me out in some darker times, as silly as that might sound! but, again, i understand that that sort of subject matter isn't exactly relatable for everyone. ahh, i'm rambling again, haha! my point is that, personally, i plan to live my life as a man with a vagina! but, i don't think that makes me any less of a man :) just as trans women who can't afford to or simply don't wish to have bottom surgery are still beautiful and amazing women in their own right! :D everyone's ideal transition is different :) again, i'm kinda bringing back the reality vs fiction idea! we have a lot to thank the actors for who help bring the inspiration for the ghost fandom to light! but, as with all headcanons, who's to say really, haha! everyone can be cis until proven otherwise, or, in my case! everyone is trans until proven otherwise, haha! i think this case would be very much different if there was fanfiction about per or tobias or any other members of the cast being portrayed as trans or something similar along those lines? now, to me, that kind of 'inclusivity' or 'representation' or whatever you wish to call it is a bit icky... but, you are very right in that there isn't very much representation in a lot of forms of media :') but, that's why fanfiction exists, haha! we make our own representation where we find comfort and a sense of inclusivity in it :D

oh, no worries! :D i know the character count on those tumblr replies are ridiculous, haha! and, well, i had a bit of a feeling i'd be sending another essay, ahhhh... :'D haha! again, i hope this doesn't read like i'm attacking you or anything like that? i mean, you have your preferences and i have mine! they just happen to not quite match up :) and that's okay! as i've started before, everyone's different :D whether it's our gender identities, the kind of fanfiction we want to read or the kinds of characters we want to see portrayed! everyone has their different tastes :) again, i apologize for the massive essays i keep sending your way, haha! but, also again, i do hope this may provide a bit of insight on this subject :) although, this is also just the opinion of one little trans smut writer, haha! i highly recommend giving a listen to other genderqueer authors or content creators who may have their own sides to the story, so to speak, haha! i'm definitely a bit more... lenient? i think? with my own gender identity? as well as things like anatomical terminology! so, for instance, i use terminology like 'breasts', 'clitoris', 'vagina' (albeit, in much more... uhh, smuttier terms, haha!) when describing smut scenes? but, i also use terms like 'cock' or 'dick' when transmasc characters are referring to themselves. again! everyone's super different, and this is just how i write and communicate the gender identities of my personal trans characters :) but, again, and i can't stress this enough! everyone's journeys with their gender identity is so different! and i'm just one little lad in a garden of trans/genderqueer fanfic writers! :D

#ooc leaf

[annesdiary]

10 March 2024

Okay so a bit of an update for myself. for my own sake. It's going to be long af.

Future me, if you're rereading this, bring a cup of tea. Well, actually popcorn.

I think I may just talk a bit about each person who is close to me.

B got together with her crush, the guy seems to be a sweetheart.

A forgot my birthday.

E too. I told her, she apologized. Shortly after that she hung up the phone.

I thought I needed closure from E too. And I called her to talk to her.

(Idk if you know this; I'm a smart woman, I'm quite familiar with literary theory, victorian literature etc. that's what I read in my free time, that's my field of speciality). I mentioned my research about Sherlock Holmes. It's late, I'm tired and I don't really want to get into the details.

Me: I'm doing this research about Sherlock Holmes and literary stuff.... E: what literary stuff? you need to be more specific, you can't build a research on "literary stuff".

Me after I patiently explained some stuff that I presume she didn't understand: And than I have to do a poster about it. E: you know who you should talk to? *a student she had's name* Me: why would I talk to her? E: she can draw. you can't just slap text on a poster and call it a day. Me: I spent hours going through last years winners to see what I have to do, those contained predominantly text and small-ish, simple illustrations E: *going on and on about stuff she doesn't know because she hasn't been a part of academic life in decades* Me: *finally giving up* You're right.

I called her as a friend. Just because I told her "Sherlock Holmes and literary stuff" she assumes that that's all I have in my head. Meanwhile I'm reading academic papers published by people from the most prestigious universities in my second language in my free time. She last learnt literature (very basic stuff!) when she went to uni. She learnt English literature as part of her ESL programme. At least 25-30 years ago. English was NOT her major, English literature for her was ONE course. . Literature is my major, it's one of my hobbies, I am (by university thing's standards) kind of an expert in it. How dare she look down on me, seriously. In regards to my field of study.

I'm fine. :)

E was tagged in a post, making god-knows-what with woman, one of her friends. (And other ladies.) I never heard anything good about that lady. E only ever talked shit about that woman. E wanted to cut this lady out of her life several times.

Now this lady posted several pictures with E, doing some painting activity.

Thinking of the quote, I don’t know who said it: If I’m a lot, then go find less.

I talked to T a few weeks ago, he was going somewhere by train and we texted, he was telling me kind of nsfw jokes and I kind of enjoyed that. A few hours later, he shut it down, telling me he thinks he went to far.

K is sweet as ever. We talked a few weeks ago, well, she asked for my advice about some girls who went to our class in high school. I didn't keep in touch with them, she did. And it felt so good because she told me how heathy she thinks out friendship is. And how I understand when she doesn't have time to meet up but I know she's always here for me.

And now for the absolute best part: N told me she'd like me to participate in a thing. I have to do research and then put everything I've found on a poster. She helped me with that and she is the absolute best.

I'm so happy I met her and she was kind of my way into academia. It was my first time writing an abstract and she was so kind and patient with me. (I think considering it's my first time, I actually did great, I did the thing with one correction. After I corrected the mistakes she found, for the 2nd time she said it was a great start.)

I'm so grateful for her and I feel like this attachment is the healthiest I am capable of. Like I know she corrects me because she wants me to be better. I know she's a great communicator and she'll let me know if I'm too much/annoy her/crossed a boundary of hers.

In her last e-mail she said "Okay, it's a great start, send it to *a prof's name* if he accepts it, great. But if not, there will be other people who accept it."

Which is so reassuring both emotionally and academically.

#B #E #A #T #K #N

[uniformbravo]

it's nanowrimo & i havent touched my wip since last year so im gonna reread it all rn to jog my memory lets goooo

-

"And so, class, as you can see, blah blah blah…"

Silan wasn't listening, so neither should you have to.

i didn't know how to start it skjfdkngkf

-

goes on for several paragraphs about why he wasnt paying attention, making up a bunch of bullshit about him being sooooo sleeby bc he watched a horror movie last night & then couldn't sleep, fascinating stuff

-

So no, he wasn't listening to the lesson going on at the front of the room, nor was he prepared in the very least to be called on suddenly.

"Silan, what's your answer to number fifteen?"

Like a bucket of ice water was sitting upright on the ground beside him instead of upturned over his head, Silan's brain fog persisted as he struggled to catch up with the moment.

ok fine the ice bucket line is kinda funny im here to subvert ur expectations not unlike a mime thats allowed to say fuck

-

"Y equals seven…?" he guessed, understanding completely as he said it that it definitely would have been better to just say "I don't know," or "Could you repeat that?" or even "Sorry, I didn't sleep well because I watched a horror movie before bed and was too scared to fall asleep for hours and now I can't focus because I'm so tired, so I honestly have no idea what's going on right now."

As it was, his actual answer garnered a few laughs scattered around the room, from people who'd given Silan way too much credit and assumed it was a very intentional joke. He couldn't look his teacher in the eye, that knowing gaze piercing right through him as if to say, "You may have fooled them, but not me. I know that was a real attempt at an answer, and I am disappointed in you on multiple levels. I'll see you in my office and also you have detention forever."

What he actually said was, "Mr. Scott, this is a Biology class."

CHRIST i take it back im a comedic genius

-

Chris is A Dude in Silan's class, but he's so much more than that; sports ball player man, wearer of varsity jackets and knee-length shorts of all varieties, copier of his friends' homework whenever one of them has actually done it on time… He truly is just Some Guy, but to Silan? He is The Guy.

WHAT are u fuckin TALKING ABOUT HELLO

-

If Silan himself were to be the one to describe Chris, that paragraph would have probably gone a lot more like: Chris is on the baseball team, so he's fairly muscular; he has a sharp, square jaw and dark brown hair that's not quite long enough to submit to gravity just yet, so it sticks up and looks just sooo fluffy and soft (do you think he lets anyone touch it?). He's never actually grown a beard but he does have stubble across his chin and jaw that suits him extremely well. His eyes are brown and his skin is a natural tan and it all suits him perfectly and he's hot okay. He's hot.

Silan is gay.

and he is being sooo normal about chris

-

They'd only ever spoken a total of two times; once when Chris had gotten the rows confused on a day he'd seemed particularly groggy (this class ran from 10:45 to 12:15 and was the one right before lunch, though, so it was beyond Silan what exactly had put him in such a state) ((I'm the author though, so I know exactly what it was, and it's that he'd been out nearly all night with his friends to the subsequent dismay and rage of his parents, and his request to stay home from school the next day was vehemently denied)),

this is fucking unhinged. publish me right now

-

That had been just a few weeks ago; the other time was last year (junior year, or 11th grade, or year 3 out of 4 of high school, whatever makes the most sense to those unacquainted with the American school system) in April and I will tell you more about it later.

FUCKING HELLO

-

It was the urge to doodle their initials in a heart together in the margins of his notebook like… like some kind of lovesick middle schooler (not that. He'd ever done that. In middle school,).

silan would never

-

The combination made him want to launch himself directly out the window, had one existed (the only windows were over by the door, which Silan sat pretty much across the room from).

He was kinda fucked.

tfw u cant throw urself out the window bc of ur school's evil fucked up floor plan

-

Rhoden, while still fairly small for his age, definitely isn't the same kid Silan met back then. There's a maturity to his jaw, his brow, that he's really come into since, and his voice has deepened considerably; anyone who might still initially mistake him for a much younger boy would be instantly enlightened the second he opened his mouth. And then they'd have to figure out how to politely decline a spontaneous interview proposal from a guy they'd thought was twelve two seconds ago.

when u get within a certain radius of him a giant health bar appears at the top of the screen & boss music starts playing

-

Today, though, was a photography day.

They were always Silan's favorites. He did enjoy his other tasks, in general, but none of them were as fun or freeing as photography.

It made him look at the world around him differently. Taking such a wide expanse of possibility and narrowing it down to that one perfect shot; knowing where to look and how to find potential. It was capturing a moment, but not just that; it was turning a moment, even the smallest, mundanest occurrence, into something timeless- into something special.

(And, of course, there were other perks to the job, but we'll get to those later.)

i am 100% certain said "perks" are getting to Observe chris at baseball practice which is a very funny juxtaposition to the previous paragraph

"photography is a timeless art form, truly nothing as magical or poignant could ever exist.... also i get to look at hot boys cha-CHING"

-

"Silan," she called out now in lieu of a team name, since the work of a photographer was mostly individual.

"I'm, uh, shooting baseball practice today."

😏

-

A few short minutes later, Silan was signing off for the club's camera, which he needed permission for every time. This was one of Mrs. Springet's few roles as an advisor, to make sure the camera wasn't being stolen. It was a nice camera, to be fair.

Oh To Steal The Journalism Club's Nice Camera

-

While Chaulden High did have a football team, the undisputed star of the show was the baseball team; with a coach that led them to victory time and time again, it wasn't hard to see why.

As such, the New Moon always made sure to leave room for a section on the team, even going as far as establishing a series they ran every year called "Dug-Ins & Outs," in which various members of the team were interviewed.

ok still proud of that title TBH

-

Which meant Silan was often sent to obtain shots of the team, which was no problem. Less than no problem. He was pretty fine with it, actually. Perhaps even looked forward to it, some might say.

Because Silan was definitely interested in the team, as a whole, all twenty-six members. All of them, and not a single one more than the rest. He would never single a specific member out to accidentally focus 90% of his attention on. That would be ridiculous, and highly unprofessional of him. Perish the thought.

…

So uh. Chris is on the baseball team,

cups hands around mouth fucken NERD

-

The coach, Mr. Wendell, stood with a clipboard tucked under his arm by the dugout, clapping and calling out to members who were lagging behind in the group of joggers. He always made Silan nervous, if he were honest. He was something of a hardass, with high expectations for his team and a grueling training regimen he held them all to. He had a loud voice and a firm handshake, was broad shouldered and tall, and if Silan weren't so intimidated by him he might even find him [REDACTED].

OK ALRIGHT CALM DOWN THERE BUDDY

-

CRASH!

Just as he clicked the shutter the chain-link fence behind him exploded into sound and he jumped violently, sending all of the birds flying. Heart pounding, he sat up and turned around to figure out what the hell that was.

On the other side of the fence was one of the team members leaning down to scoop up the offending ball as the coach's voice echoed across the field, "Stop fucking around, Neely!"

fucking Neely

-

It took him a good five or six more minutes to calm down, sitting there in the grass and pretending to flip through photos on his camera. This time he made sure to face the fence to avoid a repeat scenario- because of course, Silan was known to have the reflexes of a tiger and wouldn't even flinch were another ball to come hurling at the fence.

jotting this down in my Extremely True Silan Facts notebook

-

He sat on the very top row and zoomed in on the players, scattered across the field. The fence still sat between him and the rest of them, reaching high for maximum audience-shielding ability, so he decided to see how many of the players' heads he could frame perfectly within the open links in a single shot.

His average came out to about four, mostly because it was basically impossible to keep track of any more than that at once, but he did manage to get one with six on accident, so that was pretty neat. It didn't help that they were all constantly moving around- Silan probably would have had more luck trying this with the birds.

He spent about another twenty minutes doing this, occasionally moving to other parts of the bleachers for different angles to see if they made any difference (they didn't; the lower he went the wider the holes got but also the closer together the player's heads became, so it balanced out), before the main event, as far as he was concerned, finally began: batting.

silan: boy oh boy i can't wait to take pictures of the baseball team!!!

also silan: does this bullshit

-

Everyone knew baseball players looked coolest and most iconic when at bat, and anyone who disagreed was simply wrong (second best was pitching, third was sliding). Silan's opinion on this was in no way swayed by visuals of Chris that may or may not have been burned into his memory.

Evidence:

[three pictures of a batter, a pitcher, and a sliding athlete respectively side-by-side, the batter obviously being the coolest most hyped up one with dynamic lighting and stuff, whereas the pitcher and the slider are intentionally lame, like cheap-looking clip art or pictures where they're making really ugly faces]

im gonna lose my fuckin shit (no theres no actual pictures this was just a place holder for when i eventually found & inserted them which i was absolutely planning on doing)

-

He stayed on the other side of the fence, lest a stray ball hit him (or worse, the camera)

TRU

-

He was tall (he had several inches on Silan and a good few on Chris), and he was slender and lean and really quite handsome in general. His thick, curly black hair was neatly shaved close to his head and the corners of his jaw were pleasantly pronounced.

Not that Silan could see any of that from this distance, especially with the helmet obscuring most of it. But as a member of the newspaper club these were things he had to know. For professional reasons.

i believe him

-

He should have been adjusting his position to line up the perfect shot, but it was hard not to watch as Chris rose up on one foot, twisting his torso with his arms raised and clutching the ball- then sprung into action by slamming his foot back down into the dirt and following the momentum with his upper body, arm arcing into a powerful throw. A split second after Silan saw the ball hit the backboard he heard the noise, a loud, solid smack!

God. God.

SCREAMS ALRIGHT SILAN CALM DOWN FKFSKGNKSDJFKD

-

"Make sure you're getting my good side, yeah?" He joked, grinning and striking a stupid pose.

silan watching chris: beautiful. flawless. show stopping. groundbreaking. so so hot and sexy hehehauhaoehemeheuenana

silan watching lucas: clown ass motherfucker striking his goofy ass POSE what an idiot 000/10

-

"Yo," Devon greeted as he pulled himself to his feet, flashing his hand in a pseudo wave.

"H-hi," Silan answered haltingly, heart beating a little fast from the maneuver he'd just had to pull. Devon offered what Silan could only describe as a dashing grin before turning his attention back towards home.

hee hee hee hiiiiiii devonnnn *twirls hair* (silan impression)

-

They rarely talked but Devon had always come off as a nice guy with a friendly vibe. He'd certainly never referred to the newspaper club as Mooners- not that Silan had heard, anyway. Though it wouldn't be such a big deal if he did, since the nickname was pretty widespread at this point. But it was nice that he didn't.

Also, he really was quite handsome.

this would have been a very different story had silan gone for devon instead of chris, devon would NEVER pull the shit chris is about to pull in this story fksndkjfdkjg he doesn't even call them mooners 😭

(school newspaper is called the new moon so people call the club members new mooners, an extremely clever & funny joke that i came up with myself)

-

(ok context, silan was gonna take a pic of chris sliding (the team's doing this whole exercise where they alternate from pitching to hitting to sliding) but bc he was so focused on getting the shot he didn't realize the ball was headed right for him so chris collided w him trying to intercept it)

Silan turned around, seeing the coach standing with his arms crossed as Chris examined his elbow. He looked up when Silan moved.

"Thank Christ. That was stupid as hell, you both could've gotten way more hurt." He hadn't even checked if Silan had been injured. "Jumping over another guy like that. We're not a goddamn gymnastics routine."

"But I caught the ball," Chris grinned, holding it up and waggling it around. Silan immediately had to stop himself from asking if he could have it.

LMAO SILAN???????????? DOWN SO FUCKING BAD

-

As he walked off herding the team away, Chris stepped closer to Silan, instantly setting his heartbeat into overdrive, more than it already was.

"Your shoulder okay?" he asked with a gesture towards the shoulder in question, and Silan just about passed away on the spot.

when he checks if ur ok after he ran u the fuck over 😍😍😍

-

Then he looked to the left, in the direction Chris had tossed the ball just a minute ago, at the spot in the grass it had rolled to a stop.

The backboard of the catcher's box announced another missed swing, and Silan picked up the ball, examining it.

The object that had ruined his perfect shot. That had come careening directly towards Silan's head (or worse, the camera). That had resulted in the disastrous collision and subsequent injuries of Chris and Silan. That had wasted precious minutes of Coach Wendell's perfectly scheduled practice regimen.

He tucked it neatly away into his hoodie's front pocket and took a seat on the grass right where it had been.

STOLE THE FUCKING BASEBALL this is unhinged behavior and also exactly the kinda shit i would've pulled in high school 10/10

---

uhhhhhh that was chapter 1 and i feel i should perhaps stop here for now since this is getting like way longer than i thought it would lfksndlfmdkgj the whole thing is like. 30k ish words? i feel like i wrote about 3 or 4 chapters

i like. shoulda done this shit a few days ago so i could start writing again today (the 1st) but i was too busy drawing heehee uhhh whoopsieee >w<

its ok its fine this year i will make it to 50k easy peasy dont even worry abt it ;3 i will definitely not go back to drawing today that would be sooooooo silly and goofy of me hahaha :)

#sike i only did ch 1 in this post bc it got too long >:) #btw halloween report: we got FOUR groups of trick or treaters last night record high numbers #the neighborhood was bumpin. absolutely off the shits. wild fuckin night #i say this completely unironically btw. last few years we've had 2 at most #i was pogging #retag later #nnwm blogging

[lucyglassesstuff]

Rambling about doubts again.

I keep thinking about what things I should write about to publish, and I'm far from not having ideas but rather- having too many.

Too many to make sense, to many too organize.

To many themes to build a structure around.

I can't really separate them when they're all so connected.

I jump from subjet to subject to explain a new thing I just understood and- It's messy.

It's all over the place quite literally.

And I don't know how much sense it can make if you're not living inside my head.

So- I tried- I'm trying to filter things out.

Let's keep this one post on one subjet and whatever subtopic that comes from it could become its own post, and I could link it once I've written them down and published them so- it would become a very intrinsic tree of content.

I don't think it's a bad idea at all.

But it requires planning.

A lot of it.

And maybe the end result is worth it, right?

But then I go back to my whole "I don't need to do it like everyone else is doing it just because that's how you're supposed to do it. I can try this in my own way"

And I can.

And I don't know what to do.

I want this to be me- Be mine.

It's mine and I get to expirement with what works and what doesn't and I want you to be able to see that.

Because- God I think I've said this a million times already- I want you to feel safe to do the same.

I'm a mess right now but that's okay.

No one really cares but me.

So- Also... what do I want to write about? Cause I- when I write, I write about what's happening to me, and I go from there, that's how I understand things, it always parts from my experience, and sometimes my whole point isn't that easy to understand without the context behind it.

I can get around to it.

I can, I've done it in prior posts.

But- I mean I know reading about my life is not the most interesting thing ever.

I'm not- Well you know, not hard feelings at all, but one wants to know about other people's lives once they got to care for them, right?

They've gotten to know them a bit, at the very least.

And sometimes not even then.

I don't want to bore you, and you haven't had the chance of caring about my existence.

I want- to help you.

Sort of. I'm still figuring the specifics of that statement but generally speaking that's my goal.

And I think maybe absolutely getting around talking about myself and working a bit more (well, no, is a lot more, but anyway)I could help you best.

That's what other writers that try to help people help themselves do.

They even have editors and all.

There's a lot behind their published work.

And I don't think that's wrong.

But then again- Me.

There's only one me and only I can do it in my way-

It could totally flop.

I think that's why I keep thinking about it.

If I choose to do it as messy as it currently is and then I fail, I, of course, would rather have you not knowing that.

And that, my friend, it's exactly the opposite of what my whole purpose is.

If I'm being brave I kind of want you to see me fail- and then see how I'm still fine.

If I fail- I'll be alright. I'll just try again.

Yep.

Yeah I just convinced myself.

That's what we're doing.

Either way it's gonna be fine so let's gooo.

#self doubt #self empowerment #understanding #just rambling #thoughts #i hate hashtags

[my5hiningstars]

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#...thinking about how idols are told play-up their relationships with group members of their groups for fanservice and #usually it doesn't rub me the wrong way too hard bc often u can See when idols are playing things up bc they're often average actors djdhdj #but idk i was just thinking about the ones who actually are close to some or all of the members of their groups and just #imagine having an exec come in and say 'everyone loves your ship please act like you love each other but it's a secret but it also isn't' #and no matter what legitimate relationship you have with that person that's kind of fucked #and it all feeds back into it when people make their dumb shipping videos and then fan engagement research people see that shit #and go okay time to report back on the popular ships like i was watching that friendship test vid with nct127 and like #taeyong Knows that people love his relationship with doyoung and that was one of the points he brought up talking about it like #???? imagine being close with someone partially bc u know the fans love it wtf #like maybe that didn't do anything to their friendship maybe they were already like this and it's chill #but idk feels weird don't like it... #sometimes i see a fic that is like here is group members in their real life and i've written a fic about their secret relationships and i #i just don't quite understand why you would think it's okay to publish that kind of weird speculation about Real People #i find it less weird when it's like here is my story about a world that doesn't exist and i've projected these people into it as like #actors playing the role of barista and tired university student dkdhjd that's chill and like #idk it just feels seperate from Them as People who Exist in the world and who deserve Privacy and not having a bunch of weirdos speculating #about their love life or worse...... #like it's dumb to think that writing isn't often based on the characteristics of other people and characters #and it's smart to use popular characters and people as an easy way of introducing a character in the setting of fanfiction i Love that shit #i guess what this rant is coming to is i'm mad when people don't put in big bold easy to filter out print that a story about a real person #is either 'in canon' or 'canon divergent' like no bad i don't want to read that it feels gross #like i know it's all pretend but i still feel like i'm invading a real person's privacy it's gross and voyeuristic in the worst kind of way #sorry if you read this dkhdjdg i wonder how many shitty anons i'll get who don't even follow me this time lmao

[straykidseverywherew]

Don't let anyone (SKZ Bang Chan x reader)

Pairing: Bang Chan (no idol) x fem!reader

Summary: When you're having drinks with your best friend and a waiter is flirting with you, Chan can't control himself.

“Oh, I'm fine. I live alone. And I also have an application that is good for reserving rooms. "

"I think you should apologize before you go."

"Hey, why don't you take care of these knuckles? It's your fault in the end."

"Do you let anyone treat you like anyone, Y / N?"

Warning: ​​angry, jealous soft dom!chan, lack of respect for the reader, soft / loving sex, alcohol, insults.

Author's note: I am very grateful for the support of my first fic, so I am going to publish another one that I saved. The idea is taken from a video that I saw once on YouTube, I hope you like it and sorry if it is not written correctly.

© all rights reserved by Straykidseverywherew

"You know I adore." Chan rolls his eyes and walks in the direction of the bar that the boys often hang out with.

"Are you going to drink in moderation?" You nod as you face him as you walk backwards to stick out your thumb and say.

"I promise." But before Chan can unite his thumb against hers, his hands hook your arms and slap your body against his, pulling you into a kind of hug.

"Dammit." Chan growls and you quickly jump into his grasp without quite understanding what is happening yet.

"Stop being a brat and walk looking straight ahead." A stupid smile slides across your lips when you realize that Chan has just saved you from not crashing into someone and thanking him, you continue walking listening as he sighs.

A few minutes later, in front of the place, Chan opens the door and lets you in, although his body never leaves and you are forced to pass in front of his body, so again, the characteristic smell of Chan hits you. hard and you have to do your part not to throw yourself against him.

"Jjambbong Seafood Stew and Garlic Chicken?" After Chan flips through the menu, he asks you and you just nod, putting the menu aside to pay attention to Chan's talk.

"Why is it that you come to meet me at the gym?" You shrug your shoulders in a gesture of indifference as you look at him. Fuck, just looking at his neck turns you on. His Adam's apple moves, your eyes continue to descend until they fixate on his clavicles marked and exposed to the air by the black sleeveless shirt that also reveals his worked muscles and veins perfectly.

"I was just passing through." Chan nods and before you can continue speaking, the waiter interrupts you.

"Excuse me, I'll help you set the table." You quickly thank as you grab the pitcher of water to fill both glasses.

"Can I take your order?" Chan nods and opening the menu and the waiter squats over to Chan to take the order from him.

"Yes, boneless chicken with garlic and jjambbong seafood stew." You are looking at Chan when you are surprised to meet the waiter's eyes, was he looking at you?

"What do you want to drink?" Chan asks looking at you again and meditating for a moment, you ask.

"Chamisul?" Chan nods and the waiter asks.

"Chamisul?" You barely manage to nod your head and immediately, the waiter asks.

"You two must be a couple?" His question takes you by surprise and you quickly let out a giggle and deny looking at Chan who asks.

"Us? No." Chan's response is soft but unlike you, he doesn't smile but his jaw clenches.

The bartender leaves quickly and before you have a chance to chat with Chan, he comes back and comes back with a bottle of soju and when Chan grabs the bottle, the bartender adds.

"Excuse me, I wouldn't want to sound rude, but do you have a boyfriend?" You lift your gaze from Chan's hands to meet the waiter's big eyes as you are stunned.

You can see the stupid smile that Chan has on his face and before answering something, the waiter adds.

"You really are my type, would it be okay if I can get your phone number?" Now if you can hear Chan's laugh and looking at the guy in front of you, with his cell phone in his hand, you answer.

"My number?" When you see him nod and hear Chan laugh, you quickly ask.

"Why are you laughing?" You scold your friend who keeps laughing as he squirms in his seat before turning serious and pointing at you, he turns to the waiter.

"Have you seen it well?" When Chan asks, the waiter seems not to know what to answer and quickly explains.

“It's that he really is my type, that's why I asked you if you were a couple. If you agree, I'll talk to you after work. " Before you can answer, the waiter puts down a piece of paper and says.

"Enjoy your food." And he leaves quickly without giving you a chance to respond.

You open the paper to check that it is not a joke and when you find a phone number, you look up to find Chan looking at you.

"You like?" Chan grabs the clipped paper in your hand and checks it like you just did while he laughs over you.

"What's this?" You ask while covering your face with your hands and you laugh infected by Chan who lets out a laugh.

"This is really embarrassing." You sigh as you feel the heat on your cheeks intensify even more.

"What did he see in you?" Chan asks making you look at him while you clench your fist and threaten him. A second later, you put your hands on your chin and say.

"Look closely and you will find out." Chan looks at you and making a disgusted face, he falls against the seat moving his eyes away while he denies.

"Sorry." You sigh and drop in the same way against the padded material.

"Are you going to contact him?" Now Chan looks serious as he grabs one of the snacks and puts it in his mouth.

"It depends." You say while you laugh and cover your mouth.

"You like it huh." You take a sip from your glass of water and find Chan lifting his neck trying to watch the waiter.

"Not bad." You grunt not wanting to listen to him and grabbing the soju, you pour yourself a drink asking him to change the subject.

A few minutes later, the waiter returns and with an apology for interrupting your conversation, he explains.

"I will serve your request." Just put the stew in the center of the table. The smell of seafood hits you and with a smile, you say thank you.

"Like I gave you a note just now." You nod and pay attention to the middle-aged boy before you.

"I'm not normally like that but you are my type, could you give me your phone number?" This is the first time I have a phone number. " You don't quite understand what he means but you end up grabbing his cell phone and typing in your phone number quickly.

"Do you live near here?" You quickly deny and insist that you don't.

"No, no, that is not my case." His eyes widen and shaking his head, he asks.

"Ah, really? Where you come from?" You lie and explain by brushing one of your legs with Chan, begging him not to open his mouth.

"I come from Sungnam." Her mouth opens in surprise and ends up adding.

"Ah, you came from far away." Now Chan's eyes are on the man who is still trying to keep the conversation going.

"Yes." He seems to understand that he is annoying and making a small bow, he leaves, without saying another word.

"Why are you lying to him? I'm sure 20 times more will come. " Chan sighs and you look at him laughing softly and filling your glass of soju.

"I don't know Chan, you know I don't trust him." You shrug your shoulders nonchalantly and put a bite in your mouth.

"What is wrong with him?" Chan asks when he realizes that he is still looking at you, without taking his eyes off you and you trying to smooth the situation, you ask.

"Isn't it supposed that when you like someone you don't want to take your eyes off them?" Chan swallows the sweet liquid before looking back at you and explaining.

"What kind of worker does that?" Without understanding what he just said, it hardly comes out a huh? from your mouth while Chan insists.

"What kind of worker does that?" Repeat and you just fight back with a "why?" and he adds, "keep talking." And you sighing, you finish explaining.

"For me it's ok." Chan sighs and knowing that he will never make you see reason, fill your glass and they hit the glasses and then take a sip.

As you continue to chat with Chan, from one moment to the next, the waiter arrives and puts down another bottle of soju and holds your hand holding the glass, he says.

"I'll serve you the soju, precious." You thank him and you can't help but turn red on your cheeks as you watch the waiter leave.

Chan's face says it all. His gesture is annoyed and he can't help but roll his eyes as he denies and asks.

"Don't you think it's amazing?" You swallow the liquid in one gulp and take the new bottle but when you are about to open it you realize that you cannot.

"Seriously, I think he's crazy." Chan snatches it from your hands and with enormous force ends up opening the cap, causing a little liquid to spill out.

Just when you see this happening, you reach out your hand with your glass to try to save the dripping liquid from the bottle but miscalculating your strength, you hit the bottle and the liquid comes out again and ends up splashing Chan, making you laugh and Chan curse.

Chan begins to eat and you can't help but smile as you watch him lift his thumb while shaking his head from side to side indicating that he is good, you return to toast with Chan without justifying very well why and just when you are resting the glass on the table, you listen.

"Excuse me, this is a house thing." He places a plate of what appears to be panjeong before you and quickly, you thank.

"Wow thank you." You look up, connecting again with the waiter's eyes, the mask makes it difficult for you to really see how it looks.

"Could you ask what his name is?" Chan's eyes shoot to the man who is paying attention and you are pointing at yourself, you ask me? watching as he nods enthusiastically.

"Y / N, it's Y / N." You open your eyes the moment Chan tells him your name and you throw a blow while you tell him.

"Why are you telling him my name?" Chan looks at you smiling and taking a bite again, listen.

"How old are you?" Chan almost chokes when he says your age and the waiter smiles gratefully at Chan because he seems the only one answering his questions.

“Have a good meal, don't drink too much. You will feel bad. " You thank with a small smile seeing how Chan smiles in disbelief.

"Okay, he's crazy. A waiter who tells you not to drink too much. " You roll your eyes as you grab a piece of panjeong, you say.

"Does it bother you? You practically answered his questions without giving me a chance. " Chan denies and adds.

“It doesn't really bother me, but it looks like the cat got your tongue. Although panjeong is tasty thanks to the power of love. " You can't help but laugh as you grab a piece and ask him to thank you.

"However, doesn't he look handsome?" Chan looks at the waiter and shrugs his shoulders, he says.

"I think he could use the same trick over and over again." You quickly deny and come to the defense of the waiter.

"I really think it was his first time, he was too nervous." Chan quickly counterattacks.

"How do you know?" His jaw clenches once more and when he sees you lift your shoulders, he responds.

"You don't know and he seems suspicious." When you roll your eyes and give him a warning look, Chan changes the topic of conversation again as you continue eating.

"Hey, how's Hannah doing?" Before Chan can respond, your eyes go to the waiter already standing next to you, apologizing again.

“Take this too because it looks like you're drinking a lot, buy this so you can have it later.” Put down an anti-hangover tonic and you're stunned by how thoughtful it seems to be.

"Did you buy it yourself?" Chan asks as he folds his hands over his chest glaring at the man in front of him.

"Oh yeah." the waiter answers while Chan nods and, holding the spoon again, asks.

"And for me?" You can't help but laugh looking at the young man when he responds to Chan.

"Um, I'm just giving it to her." Chan looks incredulous and nodding, turns his attention to the half-eaten dishes.

"I'll finish work at ten o'clock at night, do you want a drink when you finish meeting your friend here?" He takes you by surprise the moment he sits next to you, barely leaving space between your body and his.

"Why are you sitting there?" You look up to find Chan frowning as he stares at the waiter. Chan is undoubtedly defending you by watching you pull away from him, sliding closer to the window.

"I just wanted to talk to her." Chan takes a look at you and you clarify.

"It would be a bit difficult for me to see each other because I have a long way to go home." He quickly points to the window and explains.

“Oh, I'm fine. I live alone. And I also have an application that is good for reserving rooms. " It is at the moment that something in you breaks and you force yourself to bear the lump in your throat while you look down.

Chan falls back against the cushioned material of the sofa and lets out a great sigh, catching the man's attention. His jaw is clenched, as are his fists and just when he looks back at you, he adds.

"Just kidding. So, enjoy your food! " The waiter stands up and just when he's barely taken a couple of steps, Chan calls out to him.

"Hey!" Quickly, the waiter walks up to the table looking into Chan's eyes.

"Yes?" You don't even want to look at the man, right now you feel repulsed and can't help but feel stupid and garbage.

"I think you should apologize before you go." The waiter seems to recapitulate seeing Chan's muscles and approaching you, he asks.

“Did I hurt you with my words? I was joking. Sorry." You gently nod turning your head towards the window avoiding looking into the waiter's eyes again while gently biting your lip trying not to think about what just happened.

Just as he leaves, Chan rests her elbow on the table and massages his temple as he clenches his fist causing his knuckles to take on a whitish hue.

"Did you hear it?" You look away from Chan or you will probably burst into tears while barely making a face.

"He said he was just kidding." You're trying to calm the waters or you know that Chan will probably knock his teeth at her with one of her fists.

"You really think that?" You shrug your shoulders in nonchalance as you raise the glass of alcohol to your lips.

"Why are you so upset?" When you catch a glimpse of Chan he seems affected by what you just asked and before answering, he asks.

"Did you like that? Because I think it happened, he just disrespected you. " You are afraid to tell him that you feel the same and that you feel like crap but quickly denying, you say.

"Let it be, the issue is cleared up." Chan nods with a bitter smile on his face. I would be lying if he says that what just happened has not affected him, you are his best friend and a guy out of nowhere has just instilled that he is going to spend the night with you.

"Okay, before you say anything, listen to me. 'Why does a part-time worker keep coming while we're drinking? It's so strange." Not sure what to say, you drink another glass of alcohol.

“Only he's trying to be nice and he broke the ice with a joke. That's it." Chan opens his eyes and the metal cutlery falls from her hands as he asks.

"Drinking together and reserving a room, do you think I was joking?" Chan tugs at his hair as he sighs in frustration.

"Fuck Y / N, he's practically naked you with his gaze." Chan growls looking in the direction of the waiter.

"I don't know what you think of him, but in my opinion, he's no good." When your eyes meet, he says.

"If you want to have a boyfriend, I can introduce you to a good person." You like that Chan protects you but you can't stop his words from bothering you, when you say.

"No way, what are you talking about?" He rolls his eyes and points toward the bar, he says.

"You probably liked the part time." Chan challenges you with his eyes and when you deny once, he sighs and gives up.

"I don't think he is aware of what is coming to him, with 25 years old and without a stable job, it is difficult to believe that he is going to be a father." You nod in agreement with Chan and add seeing Myungmi with a big belly.

“Now it's a break, so I come to apologize for my words, I think I really hurt you. Can I sit down for a moment? " You look back into the waiter's eyes and trying to forget his words, Chan responds before you can.

"Sit by my side." It is at the same moment that you say "can you sit" that the waiter takes a seat next to you, in the same way as before and explains.

"It really is a pleasure to meet you here, how about we clink glasses together?" Chan is incredulous as he grabs the soju bottle and shakes his head.

"Are you done with your work?" Chan asks now with his eyes burning with flames.

"I'm on my break time, that's fine with me." Chan laughs cynically and responds.

"But you should go back to work later." The waiter nods looking at Chan.

"It's okay for part-time employees to drink a little here." He calmly explains as he removes the small glass from his apron.

"Okay, just one glass." You proceed to fill a glass. So it should go right? You do not like this situation, you start to see how Chan is defensive and although he is not usually an aggressive person, you know that he will not hesitate to use violence if this man makes a comment about you again.

"Where is your boss?" Chan asks as he crosses his arms against his chest.

"My boss is cooking inside." Chan nods and crawling a little closer to the hall, responds.

"Or seriously?" The waiter nods and turns his attention to you, he grabs a spoon and says.

"Precious, you should eat some more, come on say ah" Your face must be a poem. You are serious and you already feel that it is enough and a hit against the table makes you jump, paying all your attention to Chan.

Hey, he's sorry. We have not invited you. " The drop that filled the glass. You see it in his eyes, they burn with rage and his jaw is more than clenched as he stares at the man next to you.

"But it's more fun if several people join, right?" The waiter smiles and looks at you. And the only thing you can feel is disgust.

"But not now." Chan sentences and turning his attention to this, he asks.

"Well, in that case, how long are you going to stay together?" The waiter really seems to be playing with Chan's patience. And without a doubt, seeing Chan in this way is liking you a bit.

"Why are you so curious about that?" Chan asks just to finish taking the glass of alcohol unceremoniously.

"I was actually planning to ask my boss to leave early so we can leave as soon as you've finished eating." Chan laughs and grabs the table, he explains.

“Do you take it for granted that he will go with you? I think you have plenty of confidence. " You look at Chan. You don't want to make a scene and each time the tension seems to increase and although you recognize that your friend looks sexy, you do not want him to fight for you.

"I think what you should do is leave, what's more, I think you can go." Chan laughs a cynical smile as he stares in disbelief at the man right next to you.

"Are you telling me to go away?" Chan points to himself with chopsticks as his jaw clenches.

"If she wants to come with me, accept it, she can see that she is not interested in you." He debates you mentally. You must act but you don't know how. You know that Chan starts to get pissed off not only because of how the waiter is acting but because you are not doing anything to prevent him but you also know him and you know that he will end up pouncing on him if you do nothing.

"Dammit." You grunt as you shake the hair off your face and look at the man next to you.

"I think the one who should leave is you, in the first place, you treat me like a prostitute and you still think I'm going somewhere with you, it's amazing. I was being nice to you but if you don't leave right now I'll talk to your boss first. and then I'll go file a harassment complaint, disgusting." You immediately look at Chan who barely moves his head but the gesture comforts you, he lets you know that he is there for you.

The man next to you stands up and before you leave, add.

“Just so you know, you are not that pretty. You're lucky that someone like me noticed you, it could have made you enjoy the night, but hey, you miss it. " Largemouth. And before you can act, he is sentenced. Chan stands up and doesn't even think about it when he hits the waiter's cheekbone and he falls to the floor.

Everything happens too fast and only the "oh" surprised at the commotion are heard. You stand up and placing a hand on Chan's muscled chest, you ask.

"Chan, stop, fuck, look at me." And for an instant, his eyes are on fire, they look at you, looking away from the man who is still on the ground.

"Son of a bitch, I'm going to sue you!" Chan jumps at the same moment that the man insults him and starts a commotion with the rest of the people.

"You are disgusting shit, he just opens his mouth again and I swear I will give it to you." You do your best to hold Chan while he pushes your body trying to get closer to the waiter, which he does as he pretty much doubles you in every way.

"What's going on? Oh Kun, are you okay?" Without asking you know that he is the head waiter and although you want to talk to him, you have to deal with Chan first.

"Chan, please let him be." He's in a rage. It's the first time you think you see that Chan has lost his self-control and you're scared that they might go after him without knowing the half of it.

But it seems like destiny when the door of the place opens and after a "good afternoon" you recognize the voices.

Bin and Han enter laughing and when you catch a glimpse of them, they are practically running holding their best friend.

"Thanks god." In the midst of the row of insults exchanged by Chan and the waiter, and practically in unison with the waiter, you ask them to be quiet.

"But how do you think of hitting someone at his job?" The head waiter practically fights back at Chan and you get in his way.

"Well, if his dear worker hadn't kept insisting that I go to a hotel with him or stop calling me a whore, maybe he would have saved the blow." You scream in a fury as you look at the older man in shame before you.

"Son, is that true?" Now you are in awe but you don't let that stop you from clarifying Chan's innocence.

"You can look at the security cameras, he kept insisting and disrespecting." The man quickly apologizes to you and to Chan who, although practically being held by Han and Bin, is already glued to your back.

"I am so sorry. I never thought about my son, oh, I feel so embarrassed, I don't even know how to apologize." The older man pretends to kneel and you practically grab his arm, quickly denying it.

"I think enough is enough, you are not the culprit." You can't help but look over his shoulder to see his son sitting in a chair with an ice pack pressed against his cheek.

After passing with the older man to an office, the whole matter is resolved. On the one hand, the father makes the waiter delete your number, which you are really grateful for, likewise, forces him to apologize again, this time not only with you but with Chan and finally, you clarify that as long as the young man does not sue Chan for the hit, you won't sue him for harassment.

The man ashamed, insists that the bill runs from the house and although you continue to insist that it does not seem fair, in the end, the man wins and you can leave the premises.

Once you leave, you find Chan with Han and Bin explaining the situation to them. And approaching them, you hug Han's waist pushing your head against his back as a sigh escapes from your mouth.

"Cleared up?" Asks Han to which you practically respond with a babble, feeling somewhat dizzy from the alcohol and the whole situation.

You are grateful that Han and Bin are here or else, the situation would have been even more difficult, not only to control but also right now, on the way to know where.

"What are we supposed to be doing?" You end up asking by walking aimlessly just looking at the back of the three boys.

"Han and I were thinking of going for a few drinks, would you like to come over?" You reject Bin's invitation, saying that it's fine for today and after saying goodbye, starting the way home, Chan surprises you by accompanying you.

"You don't have to come with me, you can go with the boys." You are a little upset. Chan is still frowning, his eyes angry and his jaw practically clenched.

Neither of you speak and the tension is palpable in the air, so arming yourself with courage, you brush your hair out of your face and say.

"I'm sorry Chan, you were right. I should have stopped that bastard's legs sooner." He just nods agreeing with you and for a moment the urge to hit him invades you.

"You are well?" You ask as you continue walking, feeling him follow your steps.

"I am." You sigh frustrated by his behavior.

The way to your house is quiet but not pleasant. You still don't understand why he is behaving like this and it is the only thing you can think of while looking at him from the corner of your eye.

"Well, I guess it will be until next time, right?" You say quickly so you can sneak inside the building. When you see him nod, with no time to lose, you turn around and before you can cross the threshold of the building, he grabs you by the elbow and you see the furious look from him.

"Hey, why don't you take care of these knuckles? It's your fault in the end." You can't help but laugh cynically as you push the door past him.

Once you open the door to your beloved home, you let him in and just say "make yourself comfortable" while you sneak into the bathroom in search of the medicine cabinet.

No matter how hard you search, you can't find him and you almost want to beat yourself up for inviting him upstairs with that excuse and not even being able to take responsibility for the care of his knuckles.

No matter how hard you look, you can't find him, if you can't even take responsibility for his knuckle care, he probably treats you even worse than he already has.

"You already have it?" When Chan walks into your bathroom, you're practically going to close the closet to find him when you bang his head on it.

At another time you would start laughing uproariously but right now you can only worry while you ask.

"Are you okay? Oh my gosh, I'm a mess." Even though you expect Chan to be grumpy like he usually is to you, he practically puts his hand to his head and does not say a word.

"Do you need ice?" He denies that although you insist on what will be good to lower the inflammation and chattering, when you go to leave the bathroom, you practically remain paralyzed as there is hardly any space between your body and Chan's.

"Me, this." Before you can pass, Chan's hands on your waist make you stand still and point at the piece of furniture, he says.

"Watch out." You smile when he closes the door he just bumped into and when you see that he's ducking, you practically close your eyes.

You open your eyes surprised. You just screwed up, right? You closed your eyes thinking that he was going to kiss you and now you look like an idiot but, without panicking, you blink and say.

"I think she got dust on me." You run into the living room, although you would like to hide under your covers and never look at Chan again.

"Do you want to drink something?" You yell as you cross the kitchen threshold and fill a glass of water.

"Whatever it is fine." When you hear his voice a little further away, you think that he must be walking around your apartment, he has rarely been here.

You go out to meet him with a glass of water, finding him in your room.

"Here." You hand him the glass, and as he takes a sip you lean against the cupboard, watching him.

"You know why don't you sit down and talk?" You are surprised by his words, although you know well that Chan always likes to talk about things.

"It 's fine." You're trying to keep your composure because he seems really angry but right now you just want to hit his balls and tell him he's a jerk for behaving this way.

When a few seconds pass and he does not speak, hitting your bed, you say.

"If you want to talk, it's supposed to be the least you should do is start the conversation." In front of you, with her arms crossed over her chest, her gaze burning without stopping to look at you, he lifts him shoulders.

"Do you let anyone treat you like anyone, Y / N?" Your mouth opens at his words and practically closes again.

"Sorry?" You open your eyes in amazement and he repeats again.

“Damn it, it is from this moment that you are going to allow nobody, absolutely nobody, to disrespect you!” You are surprised that Chan raises his voice without leaving your gaze for a single second.

“Is that all you're upset about?” You almost instantly jump out of bed watching him pacing the patch of room from one side to the other.

"Seriously Y / N, do you really think I'm upset just about that?" Chan sighs and sitting awkwardly on the bed, he responds.

"I don't know what's going on in your head, I don't know if you liked all that shit and you would have gone with him or what the hell was going through your head." You know that he is worried about you, but without being able to help it, you quickly fight back.

"The first one who seemed excited about that idea was you, I remind you that you started answering all his questions about him." He doesn't like your answer or your attitude, you know it perfectly when he presses his tongue against her cheek from her and squeezes his eyes from you.

"I didn't see you for the work of sending him to shit either." You roll your eyes and after clapping your hands and smile cynically.

Chan throws a pillow against your closet and seems very aggressive when he does it, but he's not the slightest bit scared. His gaze is lost to the foot of your bed while his gaze points somewhere on the floor biting his lip angrily.

When he looks up, he grabs both hands and moves his jaw from side to side, annoyed.

"Fuck Y / N, how hard is it for you to understand one hell of a time that I like you?” You are paralyzed not knowing what to do or what to say as the words repeat themselves in your head. He likes you? And when you dare to turn your head, you find him looking at you, now with a different look.

"Okay, what did you just say? I think I'm dreaming or hard of hearing right now." Chan lets out a small smile and reaches out to reach yours, he says.

"I like you Y / N, a lot to tell the truth." And the smile that escapes from your lips speaks for itself. How many times have you thought about this moment? The butterflies in your stomach are fluttering without stopping still while you feel their gentle caresses.

Haunted by what just happened, you hear her clear her throat, snapping you out of the trance.

"So should I go?" When he stands up like the bed is on fire, melts your heart, and you cross her arms against your chest, you respond.

"Looks like you got a good look at the end." Understanding your words, Chan smiles and walks over to the foot of the bed, where you continue to sit.

Crouching down in front of you, he places his palm against your cheek and gently stroking, he responds.

"Little." You smile and pass your arms over his shoulders, you move a little closer to the edge of the mattress, biting your lips against his nose.

"Fool." You fight back and he smiles as he reaches out to place a kiss on your cheek.

Like two true lovers, Chan and you keep kissing until you leave one near the corner of his mouth.

When you barely move your head in an affirmative gesture, Chan wraps his hands around your waist and stands up, carrying you as you wrap your legs around his waist.

In unison, you collide your lips in a soft kiss that quickly turns into an urgent, needy kiss with Chan's tongue in your mouth swallowing your moans.

His hands move from your waist to hook below your buttocks as he draws you closer against his body.

Needless to say, the first to break the kiss is you because of the need for air. Still panting in her arms, you drag your hands up to reach her biceps and gently squeeze, you indicate.

"Let 's go to bed." Chan is mad if he follows your instructions or on the contrary follows his chivalrous instinct but when you bite his neck, he feels that he is lost at your mercy and walks with you to his bed.

Chan controls even the smallest detail. He keeps you held against his body while he kneels on your bed and deposits you as if you were going to break on the mattress. He doesn't waste a second of time as he raises his body over yours placing one of his hands on the side of your head as he leans down to kiss you again.

With Chan nestled between your thighs, you wrap your arms behind his neck again, caressing until your fingers get tangled in his brown locks, deepening the kiss. Without a doubt, you are cloyed by Bang Chan, the smell of him, the touch of him and when he rolls his still clothed hips against yours, a wave of excitement runs through you. When his mouth closes against your shoulder gently nibbling your skin, your head is pressed against the mattress and you gently pull on Chan's scalp.

Kisses and bites are spread all over your neck and when you're about to beg, Chan asks.

"Let me take care of you." And kissing him you respond, in your own bubble of happiness, noticing how his hand rests above your stomach going up and down without meaning.

His hands greedily unbutton your shirt as he continues to peck his lips against your skin. When your skin is exposed, Chan admires you in your plain black bra, that if you had known, you would never have used it.

"Beautiful." His words slide a smile on your face and delimiting the material with one of her fingers, he continues to admire you.

Chan takes his time as he distributes kisses all over the exposed skin and when your hands return to his neck you slide them under his shirt.

It's amazing how hot he is despite barely having a cropped cotton shirt. You can notice his defined abs and bringing your lips closer to his neck, you purr.

"Chan." You tug on his shirt and he practically pulls it off with one hand while you already play with the drawstring on his pants and are pulling at the cotton with difficulty until Chan helps you and leaves his pants half off.

Undoubtedly, the views of the outline of his cock still pressed against his "Vetements" boxers makes you reach out and caress him over the top causing Chan to bury his head in the crook of your neck and let out a strong breath.

It is at that moment when your excitement touches the cusp point and when your hand falls by inertia, Chan crawls until his head is between your legs.

You help him to take off his tights, remaining in black panties before him, just drag his hands and his kisses from your abdomen, to your center.

Chan carefully slides your panties off and after taking a few bites between your legs, he gently attacks your clit with his tongue.

"Oh ah, Chan." Your back arches and your hands latch onto the sheets as Chan licks your pussy and repeats the action ending with a gentle bite that makes you moan.

His tongue sinks into your pussy and his nose brushes your clitoris while you, engulfed under intense pleasure, shed your shirt and bra. Chan, seems to notice it and gently separates, looks up and with a small smile, plunges his mouth into your pussy again, accompanying it with a finger.

"You taste delicious." His words almost make you reach your height but when his finger closes in circles on your clitoris, you are practically lost.

"Chan, damn it, Channie." You can't help but grab one of your breasts while trying not to come feeling him stick another finger inside you.

"Tight." That's all he has to say to make you cum all over her mouth while repeating her name.

Chan lets you recover from your orgasm as he strokes your nipples and takes turns bringing them to his mouth.

"I need you." You practically beg him while trying to change positions and once you see that Chan is stopping you, you look at him.

"What's the matter?" Chan quickly denies turning to look into your eyes as his hand wraps around your hip.

"If you're not sure, we can stop." And fuck, being so nice to you he drives you crazy. You push her mouth next to yours and rinse.

"I wish you now." A small smile he slides across her lips as he removes the last garment.

His erect cock hits your mount venus, you can notice how he is already throwing the precum and Chan asks.

"Condom?" You deny. You don't even have a condom at home, you haven't had sex in months.

"I have not." Chan growls in frustration while he's still holding onto you.

"Neither do I." And before he gets off of you, you say.

"If it's okay with you, I'm wearing the ring." Chan nods and kissing your lips, he says.

"Are you sure?" You nod as you lie down and spread your legs allowing better access.

Grabbing his cock, Chan aligns it against your pussy. He barely touches him and you can only close your eyes as you grab your hands on his biceps and feel the pressure on your stomach.

Inch by inch Chan sinks into you as he tries to be as gentle as possible. There is a small burn from the stretching but you recover quickly as Chan comforts you.

"Little one, you feel amazing, you are so close." Leaving a kiss on your nose, he looks at you and caresses your cheek.

"Let's go baby." You say as he drag your nails behind his back, lowering them until they clench his buttocks, causing him to groan.

Although Chan starts off with a smooth rhythm, the blows are accurate making you moan and hold onto his hips.

"I love you Y / N." It feels amazing to hear him say those words as he kisses and slaps your body over and over again.

"And I Chan, I love you." And you can't go crazy when Chan thrusts his hips reaching even deeper inside of you as his heavy breathing.

Almost instantly, Chan growls and glares at you, he says.

"Did you just feel that?" You deny and when he repeats the movement of the hips, he feels the same again.

"Shit, it's the birth control ring." He says and freezes, making you laugh.

"Okay Chan, does it bother you?" He denies while he looks at you and you shrugging your shoulders, you say.

"As long as he doesn't fall, everything will be fine." Chan smiles and changes positions now you are on him, with your knees on either side of his body, you start at a slow pace, feeling his cock brush the right place.

It is the first time that you feel this kind of intimacy with someone. You're jumping on his cock as you look at each other, Chan's hands gripping your waist.

"My precious girl." Your back arches and Chan takes the opportunity to suck your throat as he wraps his fingers around your clit.

"Chan, baby, I'm getting closer." Chan lets out a sound from her throat as he helps you move over her body.

And your orgasm is imminent the moment it gently bites your jaw. Your eyes close, your hands cling to his worked shoulders as your body jerks with pleasure and leaning your forehead against his collarbone, Chan groans as he feels you tighten around him and asks.

"All good?" Barely managing to say a "yes" while letting out the moans.

Although Chan is willing to stop at this point, when you move your hips, you ask him.

"Chan, use me." And he fulfills your requests. The sounds of your skin slapping against his skin resonate as Chan arithmetically lunges at your finished body, and whispering against your ear, groans.

"Honey, am I going to cum?" But as he keeps hitting your sweet spot, your body advances to another orgasm.

"Wherever you want, don't stop." And Chan takes you further, your body convulsing violently and you collapse on his chest.

"Shit." You come on his cock and rise again on your body, he comes out of you and pumping himself, he paints your stomach with his semen.

You smile when he falls right next to you and turning to look at you, he reaches out his hand to caress your arm and clarify.

"When I asked you to speak, I was not expecting this, but, my gosh, it was second to none." Agreeing with Chan you smile and approach him on his chest, place your head and say.

"Well, I wasn't expecting this day either, but trust me I'll come back to pick you up at the gym if necessary every day." Chan laughs as he gets up and grabs his shirt, wipes the stain off your stomach.

"Come on girl, rest." And after a kiss, you lie down next to Chan under the covers with a warm heart.

The next morning you are surprised. Chan's arms are wrapped around your waist, her head is resting on your shoulder, and you can feel the hot breath on your neck. A small smile slides between your lips when you notice how Chan's lips leave a soft kiss just behind your neck, dragging them to your collarbone while unconsciously caressing the arm that is holding you by the waist.

"Good morning little girl." You smile listening to Chan's velvety voice. Before you can utter a word, you notice how he presses you tighter against his body, inhaling your scent while you enjoy the sensation of heat that his bare chest gives you and closing his eyes again, with a silly smile on his face, you answer.

"Good morning Chris." It takes him just seconds to turn around in his grip so that you are facing him. His small eyes still seem numb, as his dimples peek out and his curly hair piles up in a meaningless tangle. You smile caressing his cheek and you can't help but be ashamed to remember how you have to look, so you end up burying your head on his chest while leaving a soft kiss at the beginning of it.

Chan caresses one of your bare arms at the same time that he runs his hand over your head, stroking your hair causing all your nerve endings to activate and sleep invades you again.

"Do you want to go out for breakfast?" You quickly deny. Given the choice, you prefer to stay inside the warm sheets.

"It 's too cold." You can see a small smile slide between his lips and cover your arms with the quilt, he says.

"So, should we stay?" This time you nod and get even closer to his body.

"Mmm, I want to kiss you and make love to you all day" You look into his eyes as you gently rest your hand on his chest and after catching your lip between your teeth, you respond.

"That sounds amazing, let me give you back yesterday." And before he can object you slide under the covers bringing his cock to your mouth.

#stray kids #stray kids imagines #stray kids scenarios #bang chan #skz bang chan #skz chan #skz imagines #skz smut #kpop smut #skz x y/n #skz x reader #skz x stay #skz angst #bang chan smut #skz fluff #skz #bang chan x reader #stray kids bang chan #straykids #kpop #chan fic #soft dom #skz fanfic #stray kids smut

[angel-riki]

Dazed & Dreaming {Ch. 1}

summary: Y/N's life was always quite normal, some may even consider it boring. However, Y/N enjoyed her simple life and the little pleasures it brought. Unfortunately, that all changed the day she found out her best friend's biggest secret. Her discovery leads her down a rabbit hole of a new and confusing world she never knew existed. She must now navigate this new life filled with love, fear, and the supernatural. What awaits her down this path?

pairing: enhypen x reader (vampire au)

warnings: light swearing

word count: 1,435

chapters: [Ch.2] [Ch.3] [Ch.4]

~~~~~~~~~~

The brisk autumn air pricked at your cheeks, making you shiver as you clutched your coat tighter around your body. You picked up your pace as your shoes tapped lightly against the pavement. Walking to school was nice this time of year, you loved the autumn scenery which was full of rich colors and leaves dancing in the wind. Winter on the other hand, was another story. It was also quite pretty, yet much more inconvenient and impractical. However, right now it was a pleasant walk.

Before you know it, you're at the entrance of your school, trudging up the stairs. Oh how you longed to be back in your warm, soft bed, asleep. You begrudgingly continued on your way when you heard a familiar voice ring out,

"Y/N! Wait up!"

You recognize the voice without even needing to turn around, it was Jake. Jake had been your best friend since he had moved here from Australia way back in middle school. He meant the world to you. You've grown so close over the years, he practically knows everything about you at this point. And you know all about him as well. You smiled and waved at the cheerful boy as he jogged to catch up with you. Slightly out of breath and with flushed cheeks, he greeted you,

"Good morninggg!" He drew out the last syllable with a dorky grin on his face. You giggled, he was always so cute without even trying.

"Good morning," you replied, happily.

"Kind of chilly this morning, huh? Did you walk to school again?" He asked.

"Yeah, I did. I always walk to school, you know that," you chuckled at his silly question.

"You knowww," he began,

Oh boy here we go, you thought.

"Heeseung would totally give you a ride to school if you'd like," he stated. Jake had made this offer to you a few times, however, you always declined. Heeseung was a close friend of Jake's yet he was merely an acquaintance to you at best, you would feel bad having him drive you around. Especially since he already gave Jake rides every morning.

Also not to mention, you found Heeseung incredibly attractive and you don't think your heart could handle that...

"No that's okay, I wouldn't want to impose," you politely declined like always. Jake sighed. You were always so considerate, almost to a fault.

"Y/N, Heeseung totally wouldn't mind, he isn't like that, you know." He smiled, trying to convince you to accept the offer. Especially, knowing that winter was just around the corner.

"I know...I just would rather not," you said trying to escape the topic as your cheeks began to heat up. Jake sighed defeatedly and decided to let it go as you both continued your way into the building.

*****

The end of the day couldn't come soon enough as you headed towards your final class; physics. Yay. You've always hated physics and although you were a straight A student, your grades suffered in that class. Thankfully, Jake was quite good at physics and was always happy to help. Over time, he basically became your tutor. You scanned the front board to see what the topic of the lesson was today. Like usual, you couldn't make sense of any of it. God, I wish I had Jake's brain, you thought to yourself.

As much as you tried not to, you ended up tuning out the teacher and his lecture as your mind wandered to anything but physics. Before you knew it, class was over and students began gathering their books and shuffling out of the classroom. Shit. I didn't pay attention to any of that. You mentally kicked yourself for slacking off. Well, at least the school day is over. You headed back to your locker where you saw Jake waiting for you.

"Hey Y/N, how was physics? I know it's your favorite class," he said sarcastically.

"Shut up," you slapped him playfully on the arm, "I actually totally zoned out the whole period. Therefore, I'm lost and you really have your work cut out for you as my tutor," you retorted.

He laughed and shook his head, "Y/N, you're killing me!" He said while jokingly clutching his chest in imaginary pain.

"I know, I know, I'm sorry I should honestly be paying you at this point," you laughed.

"Nah don't worry about it, I'm happy to help," he said. Gosh he's so sweet, you thought. Sometimes you felt like you didn't deserve him. But if you ever dared to say that out loud, you know you would receive an immediate rebuttal from him. Because that's just how Jake is.

*****

*BZZZ* *BZZZ* * BZZZ*

You rolled over and groaned. Ughhh, it's already time to get up? You had stayed up later than usual the night before. You had been facetiming with Jake as he tried to explain your physics homework to you. Unfortunately, it took you quite a while to understand it since you hadn't paid attention in class earlier that day.

Just 5 more minutes...you thought as you lazily snoozed your alarm.

*****

Your eyes fluttered open as you awoke for the second time. Hm, that's weird. Why didn't my alarm go off yet? You grabbed your phone to check the time. You squinted as your eyes adjusted to the bright screen. Oh shit. You had overslept for 45 minutes. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. Shit. You mentally cursed at yourself as you scrambled to get ready in half the time you usually do. You frantically threw on your school uniform and hurried to the bathroom to brush you teeth. You gasped as you saw your reflection. You had the worst bed head you had EVER seen. Just my luck. You quickly threw your hair up into a half updo. Guess I'm going for the messy look today. You hurried downstairs and grabbed a granola bar on your way out. You headed down your driveway only to see a car parked on the side of the road right in front of your house. You were a bit confused but as you got closer you were met with two familiar faces. Oh no. This is Heeseung's car. Your stomach did a backflip. Heeseung smiled and gave a small wave as Jake greeted you from the passenger seat,

"Hey, Y/N! Sorry for the surprise, I knew you would never accept the ride but the weather's getting colder and I don't want you to get sick," Jake rambled.

"Jake told me that you walk to school every morning, but I don't mind giving you a ride, it's no problem at all," Heeseung added with a kind smile.

You appreciated the kind gesture, however, you were mortified. Here you were, looking like the hottest mess of the century in front of the hottest boy of the century. This can't be happening. Of all days, why today?!

You smiled meekly, "Wow, uh, thank you that's very kind of you! I guess I'll take you up on that offer since you already went out of your way to come here," you said apologetically. The two boys smiled at you as you opened the car door and climbed into the back seat.

*****

So far, the ride had been fairly quiet until Jake suddenly broke the silence,

"Y/N, did you do something different with your hair?" Jake asked as he turned around to face you.

God, why did he have to bring that up??

"Uh, yeah, I actually woke up late and my hair was a mess so I just tried to make the best of it," you laughed nervously.

"Ohh, well it looks nice!" he complimented.

"Yeah, you look cute." Heeseung added with his eyes still on the road.

You froze. Your brain began malfunctioning as you tried to compute what Heeseung just said. He called me cute. You chuckled anxiously as you felt your cheeks burning up.

"Thank you," you said shyly.

Jake had noticed your abrupt change in body language, which confused him. But then, it all clicked. Oh...She has a crush on Heeseung. He didn't know how he hadn't noticed it sooner. He grinned to himself, amused by his realization. Suddenly, it made sense why you never accepted a ride.

~~~~~~~~~~

Hi, guys! I hope you enjoyed the first chapter! I know it was a bit slow, but once the introductory part is out of the way, hopefully things will pick up the pace. Regardless, thank you for reading! I am also uploading this series on wattpad, so if you’d like to support it over there, that would mean a lot! I'm hoping to publish new chapters a couple times a week so keep your eyes peeled hehehe

~Elle <3

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