#i have so many lost memes made that i’ve never actually posted okay i need the world to see these

[skatiet]

#abc lost #lost abc #lost tv show #kate austen #juliet burke #claire littleton #kate x juliet #kate x claire #lost show #lost tv #lost #lost text posts #text post meme #lost memes #something something the romantic knifer becomes the romantic knifee #i have so many lost memes made that i’ve never actually posted okay i need the world to see these #wkp*

[brawlqueen]

random friend love letter to lynnie .

( aka thank you for putting up with my mizuki propoganda)

okay so i realized i have sooo many typos in that post that you were so unbelievably kind about @nulltune​ ! mizuki somehow became my favorite female character and someone i personally relate with in a very personal way. a lot like my main muse really! just the ultimate girlboss queen of the brawl beyond superhuman prettiest girl on the planet (besides hakuno ofc). it means so much to me that you read that and trauma while horrible and painful, is so key to mizuki’s character? so i never not stress how crucial it’s made her, and i know how niche the aistf games are, personally the first / OG game by far is my favorite, the writing is chef’s kiss --- nirvana was so fun to play. 

like you i’m full canon divergent and if you ever get into these games i strongly recommend it because while the OG has a lot of gore, the second does not, and while i don’t consider it a ‘true sequel’ but more an alternate timeline? it’s still worth seeing a grown up mizuki, although trust me, i have many grievances, and many praises for the quality of life updates! really i’m just embarrassingly obsessed with kaname and mizuki date and their artificial eyeball shrimp named aiba (did you know mizuki and aiba are voiced by the eng vas of paimon and venti? yeah wild. also while i’m horrible at genshin sometime i’d love to add you! i’m becoming thanks to my best friend ... dramatic hand wave.... smarter. my main dps is actually jean and my favorite charas are yae miko who i got all her things (i legit screamed) and kaeya (please make him a five star and happy) )

you’re always so supportive of my metas and posts, and while i do believe i owe you an ask from hakuno, totally lost the meme hope you don’t mind queen, it means the world to me that you love mizuki and haven’t even touched ai the somnium files / nirvana initiative which makes me think i’m doing an okay job with my favorite female character. if you can handle dirty humor, absurdity, but the BEST found family tropes and things and the surreal along with core elements that make the murder / noir detective / horror genre so great? you would love them. they play much like a visual novel. 

in that same vein i really admire hakuno’s lore and effort you put into her. also your drawings? are insane. like how do you draw when i could only do a blurry stick figure?! another of your talents. and your psd is beautiful and everything about your blog screams love and care for YOUR FAVE GIRL.  and i cannot wait since i’m sure you’re drowning in drafts,  i’m in love with hakuno and i know nothing about her origins save i want to do all the writing with her when you are less drowning in drafts. you do know you can take your time right? i just don’t want you to feel stressed because life outside of tumblr is important and we all have valid reasons that we’re not engaging or quiet, i know i do! but really i had to write a note i hope you don’t mind. 

basically thanking you for being so patient with me, know that you can write with me anytime and i’ve love these girls to have some kind of relationship that’s wholesome and sweet. we all know mizuki needs friends, it’s not exactly easy being a go.ku level superwoman, and it meant so much to me reading those comments! i won’t shy away from the brutality of mizuki’s life, and the negative and positive aspects of her. 

thank you for always being a ray of sunshine on our dashes and being so sincere and heartfelt in all you do, be it funny content or serious, it makes me genuinely happy to see a friend loved and appreciated. anyway this made my night earlier so.... thank you so much lynnie-lynn! you’re a friend that i don’t need a week to talk to, it could be five months and we’d fall in rhythm. i hope you’ll stay with me as i mizuki froth at the mouth, let’s over time slowly, at our own pace if you want, make the mizuki and hakuno duo or at least scream love to each other from giant story buildings as friends! your  friend, lily.

#nulltune #i-i just wanted to write this #i was yelling excitedly #when i saw your notifs #since i admire you as a writer and your dedication to your beloved character. #also btw every game ends in a flash mob song so take that as you will please tell me if you watch either one because i'll scream #𝐎𝐎𝐂 *ೃ༄ what looks gone but comes back even stronger.

[prof-peach]

if fans wanted to include peach in stuff they write, would that be okay? and how would they write peach's personality? aside from "FIGHT ME" anyway, i think that much is a given lol. i only really write the anime characters 'cause that's what i know, but it sounds like it'd be kinda fun to try making a version of ash that fits into this blog's universe! nerf'd Obviously, but i think she'd probably appreciate how hands-on he gets when training his pokemon!

Ok, I get a lot of these messages, and I often hear folks wanting to throw peach into their stories and comics and writings, and I will always simply ask that if it’s published online publicly, to be linked to it so I can snoop and enjoy the content too. If someone asks about her in your work, let them know about the blog I guess? But literally I love that people take this stuff, these characters and stories, and make new stuff with it. No ones making money off my work here? So where’s the issue? Go for it buddy, knock yourself out, I’m all for it.

For you, and all the others out there who want to add peach, and other characters to your world building, I will give you a detailed rundown of the main lot, and how they behave, what they do, how they function. You can use that, use bits, or use none of it, I do not mind at all. If you’re creating something, you’re in control, not me.

So, peach doesn’t actually fight people as much as you’d think. She’s very aware most cannot and do not want to do that, and so she likes to keep to herself with regards to that aspect of her life, she doesn’t ask to spar with people, or even bring it up at all, but people ask her all the time, even if they clearly would lose or become hurt should she miscalculate during the fight. She looks at people like they usually create problems, and often has a somewhat reserved nature to other humans. You have to work quite hard to get anything more than formalities out of her. She will dead-pan handle people with blunt and very to-the-point statements, aid whenever possible, but very quickly get back to handling the Pokemon she so carefully tends. Her focus is clear, she’s all about hard work, her very small select family, and the Pokemon.

Her brutal, loud and brash personality only comes out with friends, family, difficult humans, OR any Pokemon. She will joke and laugh and play with Pokemon, but clam up around humans, maintaining tight body language and generally will be a little cold by regular standards. She does however have some weaknesses in this emotionless shield she puts up. When peach was young she was always angry, which swung so fast to sadness, back and forth. Her teenage years it just got worse and worse, it was crippling at points. She is to this day, full of fire and rage, even sadness, but now she has learnt to control it, to use it. When she sees that in others, it’s familiar, and she is pushed to drop the front, and be very real with the person. Underdogs I suppose, people who get bad reps, but deserve the same as everyone else. She can’t ignore it.

Once you start to pry open her personality, you’ll find she’s a lot more laid back and fun than originally appeared, you just have to work hard to find that side of her. She will meme reference, can’t dance to save her life, loves her coffee, and can be caught in quiet contemplation while gardening. This hobby is her calmest, and often is why she can stay so level headed when her quiet rage boils up again. Without time outside she will become grouchy, a little snippy, and lethargic. Will not go in the ocean for any reason other than life or death, is fine with ponds and rivers, or water at wading height. Likes the rain.

With regards to her training others, they usually have to tolerate her somewhat strict nature. She is a little....unforgiving, holds a grudge if you make a lot of mistakes, and has no tolerance for ignorance in the age of information that we all live in. In previous posts I’ve mentioned she’s only recently selected two students, after many years of testing kids who want to learn from her. Hundred tried out, only two have ever been approved. How she teaches is very fast paced, be prepared to get some scrapes and bruises, she will test your physical and emotional tolerances with intense tasks, carefully watching students like a hawk. Bad posture in your stance? She’ll be the first to tell you to sort it out. Not hearing your Pokemon partner? Right, now you spend the day without using words trying to communicate, let’s see how you like not being listened to.

This is a woman who has spent her life saying very little, and watching everything, she watches Pokemon and can see an issue from a mile off, and in battles, her observations are why she can react fast, and chose effective strategy to avoid damage and achieve results. Don’t let her body fool you, her strongest asset is analysing, watching, planning. Those skills have over the years transferred to people too. As a student, mistakes don’t go unnoticed with this professor.

Her methods are harsh but fair, and should you prove yourself, she will protect you with her life.

Because of her disinterest in kids and lots of noise, she does pass the training of students on to the other staff members whenever possible. Grey takes on the lions share of battle lessons, he is far calmer, more open and friendly, with patience for people, and an empathy that peach sometimes struggles to have. When you go through a lot of harsh training, and difficult events, it’s hard to change how you feel or think, with peach, well, she’s been through it. Most do not come out the other end in one piece, but she did, and it made her strong. You may think I mean strong like buff and big, and yeah sure she is, but I mean it mentally more than anything. Peach will not quit. She has learnt to destroy the boundaries that stop people getting hurt, gone is the fear that freezes you in your tracks, that feeling that you’ll pass out if you go one more step. She’s learnt to ignore it.

This means she’s a little forgetful at how it is to be normal, to be vulnerable and soft and squishy like students so usually are.

She has her issues, but for the most part, visitors get a laugh, a smile, a calm assertive confidence, and facts. She will indulge those who have genuine interest, or show a connection with nature, an understanding of the balance that needs to be struck for everyone to live well together.

Despite her many flaws, she’s fiercely protective, and will go above and beyond to defend the island, it’s staff, the Pokemon and the visitors. Injustice is her biggest gripe, along with littering, and she doesn’t stand by quietly if something happens that seems unfair.

You will not see her without Valka, her vulpix, close by. That Pokemon doesn’t like to be touched by strangers, at all, and will run the second someone comes at her with that intent. Peach will scold you for pushing yourself onto her, should you persistently try to get close to pet Val. They are in sync, if peach is sad, Val is sad, if Val is stressed, peach is stressed, and so on. They are inherently connected, it’s just been that long, the psychic bridge between them has been built, and reinforced over the years.

The only other Pokemon who follows her so endlessly is Booker, a teddiursa who’s pretty rough looking. He quietly trots behind, grouchy and stoic, they fight closely together a lot. He lost his mom a long time ago to poachers, and peach took him in, and changed her whole life for him. Not many people know, but Booker was the reason she left the rangers, changed career, and got so strong. Will tolerate people petting him but isn’t keen at all, grumbles a lot and tries to move away.

You may also need to know about the others, for the sake of writing, she here a few more bits that may be important to you, or others wanting to do this.

Grey is very tall, very burly, composed, tells bad dad jokes, is a bit of a goof if allowed to be. If he sees a pun, he’ll say it. Can’t help himself. Very nice guy to work with, good at keeping people calm and grounded. Pokemon are drawn to him like a moth to a flame, he gives off warm energy, and has inhuman amounts of patience. If you wrong his family however, he will snap back.

He grew up in the city, loves to swim and hike and cycle, can snowboard, is really sporty. A total brain box with held items, and boosting stats. He will explore many paths, to make sure visitors and students get the information they need, in a way that can be remembered and retained for later. Is a huge guy, but will get on the floor to play with a tiny Pokemon. Treats big “meaner” looking species like babies, very good with all pokemon.

His free time is spent either tinkering, swimming, or trimming his bonsai trees. This guy stares at screens a lot, so appreciates time away from them. Peach built him his own little greenhouse for his trees and tools, which he keeps clean and loves dearly.

His methods as a teacher are built around fun and games, he makes hard work easier to do by distracting trainers from the difficult bits, and focusing in on something more interesting or compelling.

His most commonly seen Pokemon would be a houndoom, Saxon, old battle veteran, retired now to herding and being a good boy. Very gentle, loves a pet.

Pari, now a fully fledged nurse, often oversees the labs front desk and pokecentre features, such as healing pokemon, and informing trainers who come to visit. Her skills with eggs and hatchlings is high, she’s great with younger Pokemon, and hands out good advice to trainers a lot. She’s not a fighter, never was, but can find any file, any study, any book, and any refrence you may need. A true bookworm, loves her romance novels, chat shows and upbeat celebrity gossip mags. Will cry at a lot of stuff, be it sad or happy.

She’s got a seriously upbeat personality, but if caught off guard or shocked, she gets a little flustered. Too much chaos will overwhelm her, but usually she’s on top of things. The years spent on the island have made her better at maintaining composure in emergencies. With lots of siblings, she’s very competent with others, and has a good ability to disarm cagey people with her jolly nature. Because of this, she can sometimes gain information from trainers that some of the more harsh professors may not have access to. Charming is a word for it.

Her partners are an eevee, and a happiny. They are quite sweet and well adjusted, the eevee gets a bit bouncy if you get it too excited.

#if you dont want to use the refs #im really cool with it #just enjoy yourself buddy #pokemon #prof.peach #peach talks #prof.grey #pari #dotaku island #dotaku staff #PLEASE #just ask me if you dont know something #or feel i missed something in what i wrote

[bokunosimpfiction]

Yandere!Heisenberg x Reader Pt 3

A/N: Since y’all demanded a plot that’s what you’ll get. Will it be good? No. I’ve never written anything with a plot in my entire life. Ever. Not even when I did Nanowrimo or whatever. I just bullshitted the whole thing. Like I’ll do with this fic. Y’all are going to have to remind me to update because I have the attention span of a goat. I’ll try to update this on Saturdays??? IDK at this point. ALSO, WHY THE FUCK IS THIS SO POPULAR?????????? DO YOU KNOW HOW MANY NOTES THIS HAS ON AO3???? 69????SIXITY FUCKING NINE??? I HATE EVERYTHING MY LEGACY WILL BE READER CALLING HEISENBERG DOOFSCHMIRTZ I HATE EVRYTHING DSHFUGSADFJ

Synopsis: You have totally, %100, given up on escaping. Totally. You haven't been gathering supplies for one, final last hurray. Nope. Totally not. All you have to do is persuade Heisenberg of that so you can change your mind at the last minute. Y’all know the trigger warning for this series but if you don’t tw:kidnapping (implied)

Taglist: it’s exclusivly @localdepressedvampire​  so if you want to be on it for just this story or for all my pieces fill out the google doc in my pinned post or dm me and I’ll put you on it. :)

             You’ve made a breakthrough in your long-term plan of escapism. Even with the mini escape attempts that were really about exploring the factory and less about actually trying to get out, you hadn’t made a lot of progress: until now.

             Well, two, really… Okay, maybe 1 ½. Firstly, you found a sawed-off two-barrel shotgun. With ammo. In fact, there was a various amount of ammo around the factory, but no actual gun. Until now. The second discovery, which is nowhere near as useful, was a window. Which was probably 50 or more feet up from the ground. You didn’t get a chance to inspect it that much, considering as soon as you saw it and got a glimpse at the far-off ground, you had to run again from Lycans.

             Which gives you a basic idea of a way to escape. You knew where the ammo was, you knew where the gun was and had a route to the edge of the building, and hopefully could find stairs at the end of the hallway. Now all you had to do was find a time where you could be gone long enough to get a decent head start before, he notices you’re even gone. Even when he was in the workshop, he kept a close eye on you, keeping you in arms-length to the point where it taxed on both of your mental health.

             And even then, in that chair in the small room, you watch him work in the finer details on something the size of your head and torso. You try not to look at the phone in your lap, he doesn’t even know you have it, much less how great the reception is in the building. How did he not know about his old phone that was still working fine? Oh well, he doesn’t need to know you’re looking at memes and reading feel-good wolf-star fanfic on ao3.

             The best idea you had was to leave him while he was asleep, but there were two some issues with that: he clung to you like his life depended on it, your back to his chest and arms around you almost tight enough to keep you awake; it was dark as hell in the hallways of the factory as is, but it would be impossible to navigate safely with the lights; and the Lycans were most active outside at night, which was where you were trying to go. They’ve tried to eat you before as they show no discrimination on food.

             The only way to get a good enough head start would be to leave while he didn’t notice you were gone, and wouldn’t notice for a long, long time. And that when it hit you. The only time he ever left you by yourself was when he had to deal with the other three lords. And while he left you in that basement that you originally woke up in, you had memorized your way out and found that going up five flights of stairs took you to that faithful widow.

             Would you have enough time to explore and look for an actual exit/entrance, or should you play it safe and find a way to go out that window. You wanted to laugh to yourself, you’d never think that going down a 50ft plus drop would be considered safe, but here you were, kidnapped and held hostage by one of the people your late grandmother warned you not to associate with, or even go near. The letter you received directly quoted “the four lords and their mother, Mother Miranda, are not to be approached or associated with at any costs. You’ll know them when you see them, they smell like death and money. See them and run.”

             You can’t help but find that ironic, considering that you did try to run, heeded her warning, and still faced the consequences that were far worse than she had warned you about. You regretted coming here, to this small village, when you first arrived: no friends, and even those you tried to approach held you to her standard and expected them to be just like her. You were far from her kind and optimistic nature (at least that’s what you heard of her; you hadn’t even known of her whereabouts until she was dead).

             Even the duke, who had helped smuggle you into the village, didn’t seem fond of you. It was a shame, you tried so hard to impress him. But he saw you to a point where you could easily reach her old cottage without having too many issues, turned his cart around, and left without a good-bye. It bothered you to no end that your only companion for about a year or so was an elderly outside cat and the creaking noises the walls made at night.

             And then the cat died and not even a week later you got kidnapped. You never considered yourself lucky, but damn if that wasn’t the worst streak of luck you’ve had in a long time.

             You pretend to turn a page in your book and scroll through your Instagram feed, seeing friends having fun at the beach, or studying at the library, or your old best friend taking selfies in provocative clothing to your ex-boyfriend. Did she forget he cheated on you? She wasn’t always the smartest, but she brought that heartbreak upon herself. You see a photo of your mom, she had posted a picture of a black and white photo of her with her mom, you’re guessing, you have no idea who that old woman is.

             This is the last photo I had with my mom before she died. We lost contact after I moved out. I wish we parted on better terms, Nana.

             She’s in a prairie dress, holding an ancient-looking key in one hand, and the other wrapped around her mom, a middle-aged woman with long hair in two braids and a face that had too many stress wrinkles. You guess your mom was as bad as you were in college. The background looks dreary. You would have guessed it to be the quality of the photo if you hadn’t recognized the house behind them as the house you lived in used to live in.

             The loops on the handle of the key look familiar. You spread your fingers apart to zoom in and see the blurry engravings on the side. It was the payment you gave to sneak into the village. You thought it was a worthless family heirloom at most and found it strange that he had even found interest in the key, or even valued it deeper than money in general. Maybe this photo or other photos of you and your family would help out.

             Why is that key suddenly piquing your interest? Were you that bored, as to sit there and think about a key that was at least twice your age? A key that you didn’t even have. You needed a hobby besides escapism and rejecting your captor’s sexual advances. You look up at him again, only to find him leaning against the desk, hat off and sunglass placed on his forehead, his gaze on you. It wasn’t his normal piercing one, that studied you and calculated your every move, but soft and lazy. His current gaze was dreamy; he was daydreaming about you. You found that equally undaring s it was unnerving.

             “Karl.”

             “Yes, Sweetiepea?” Honestly, what the fuck.

             “Firstly, why are you staring at me like that? Secondly, that is the most disgusting way to use that pet name. I need to take a shower after you called me that.”

             He chuckles light-heartedly. Even his softer more genuine, happy chuckles are booming and loud. “Okay… Sugarplum!” And he busts out laughing.

             Clearly dodging the first question and focusing on the second. You can’t believe you gave him ammo for his annoying-you-gun. And you thought you’d grown immune to most of his… less-savory traits. Were you growing used to him? Next thing you know you’re going to like him and develop Stockholm syndrome!

             “You’re a shit head, hobo magneto…” You turn your head away and let your hair cover half your face so he can’t see you smile. You’ll miss him when you escape and get the duke to smuggle you back to your home in Bucharest. But only a little. Just because calling Heisenberg these names are funny.

             “Why don’t you call me by my name, I know you know it.”

             “You sure about that?” You quip back.

             “You’ve lived with me for at least two months now!”

             “Hm…. I think I know your name! It’s uh…” You are totally faking not knowing his name. “It’s… Heidi Carlson? Yeah, that sounds about right!”

             “It’s Karl Heisenberg!”

             “Quit being so silly, Heidi! Maybe it’s nap-time!” This was a little too fun.

             He looks back at his project for a moment and genuinely considers it. “I know you’re being antagonistic but you’re probably right.” And with that, he walks towards you and goes to scoop you up. You have to shut your book quickly in order for him not to notice the phone in between its pages before you let him pick you up.

             He immediately notices that. “Are… Are you sick?”

             “No! Of course not!” Because you genuinely aren’t sick, and he’s already up in your business as-is, you don’t need him dotting on you because he thinks you’re sick or something. You’ll go fucking crazy.

             “You’ve put in zero effort into anything remotely physical since your last little failed escape attempt.” He gave it a little bit of thought. “You’ve given up, haven’t you, and you’re just depressed about it aren’t you?”

             You want to say no, you really do, but if Heisenberg thinks you’ve given up on escaping, perhaps it’ll give you enough space to plan the big one. The reverse heist so to speak. “No- I… okay maybe I have but I still don’t like you.

             He leans down and presses a kiss to your forehead. “Good girl. Now let’s get us that well-deserved nap.”

             You plug your nose and turn away as a joke. “You’ve gotta take a bath first, you smell like oil and sweat.” You don’t fight it, because you have to play the part, but you still have to act a little bit like yourself.

             “Okay, fine doll, but don’t think you’ve escaped my barrage of affection, because as soon as I get out of the shower-“

             You bonk him. And he looks at you so confused before he smiles and leans down to nuzzle his nose against yours. You try to hold the bile back in your mouth and lean forward and peck his lips before leaning back. You failed at trying to not visibly gag.

             “Ew… I can’t believe I just kissed you.”

             “Well, I guess someone caught feelings… Didn’t they?”

#Karl Heisenberg #yandere Heisenberg #yandere resident evil #resident evil x reader #yandere heisenberg x reader #heisenberg x reader #tw: kidnapping #fluff #well it's as fluffy as it gets with sarcastic reader-chan and yandere heisenberg #he thinks this is fluffy #because he's fucking delusional

[i-mybrunettelady]

I had a question about Nyra, And I'm using the blindfold meme as an excuse to ask.

We're they're any charr in particular that helped her get over the feelings she had towards the race?

Also, how did she process Almorra (a charr) being the leader of the organization she always wanted to join?

Also, feel free to answer this as Nyra herself if you'd like :D

Why anon you made my evening! This is such a nice question, one that I'd secretly hoped someone would ask (I would have made a post regardless at some point) but I'm happy someone notices things like that because they're quite important for me, as is the whole thing about Nyra's patriotism :)

So, cue the lady herself!

Nyra: "So, charr. Okay. Had you told me I'd be saying this when I was a young and stupid, I'd laugh at you. But now? My parents told me that, the year I was born, there was a charr siege, one of many. And if you asked me how many cousins I lost to them, I wouldn't be able to count. Not that I ever really met them - it was always, "this man died for your freedom," "this woman died for your freedom," and now add a sneer of, "you're friends with them, you fucking lionheart and traitor to the cause."

And.. And it hurts, to a degree. I'm Ascalonian first, but to hear them sneer at me like that for whose company I choose to keep, for who I choose to ally myself with, for choosing to break from the limitations of my ancestors and family.. I can't lie. But the world is bigger than Ascalon, than our fight.

Discounting that slap Forgal floored me with years ago when I talked shit about them (don't let norn hit you, really, it hurts), I remember travelling to Ebonhawke I think, what, 9 years ago, when there was a separatist ambush on the road, there was a Priory team without who I would've been killed. One of them was a charr named Spesa Nightshield, an Explorer if I remember well, who bandaged my wounds afterwards and told me, with an apologetic smile, that "we aren't all renegades."

There was also Rytlock himself in Black Citadel - these two dipshits had cornered me and Rytlock roared them away and gave me blood whiskey afterwards for the trouble in his office. It was surreal, having to testify against two charr in the ruins of an Ascalonian city for an attack against me and actually win the case!

Whatever I'd been told was starting to fall apart. They weren't all monsters who ate human hearts for fun.

The world is bigger than Ascalon.

Almorra, huh. Shit, I need to get her sword to the Vigil Keep. I promised Laranthir, it's the least I can do. Grenth's mercies, Almorra. If anyone says shit about Almorra, I'll deck them where they stand.

But yeah, Almorra. I'd heard the stories, of course, but I never really made the connection before I actually saw her. She is- she was, the single most terrifying charr I've ever seen. She could eat me alive, I felt. She could eat me alive and I wouldn't be able to do anything back to her. And when she complimented my strategy at Dragonfall, shit, I don't remember being that proud of anything I'd ever done.

So, you know how there's this person you really wanna follow, no matter what? Like your legs cut off whenever they look at you wrongly? That was Almorra Soulkeeper.

I wrestled with it, sure, but eventually, it was clear. She was my General now. If she ordered me to jump, I could only ask how high. That's the only way I can describe it.

And now she's dead. Because I was- Nyra, no, you can't have known, stop it.

I really need to get her sword to the Vigil Keep."

#gw2 #ask meme #shit this was fun to write #alysannyra #inspo birb has come to town #this ask was so good #a rather fun aspect to explore from her angle #sprinkle a lil grief in there as well #and regrets #cause that's a nyra brand by now #and you get this #almorra soulkeeper #ty for the ask! <3

[vaguely-concerned]

The Mandalorian Chapter 14 reactions: HOLY SHIT THAT WAS AWESOME BUT ALSO I’M CRYING edition

- the good good din characterization is back after all the weirdness last episode!!!! that soft way he says ‘no, no, I’m not mad at you’? THAT’S din djarin, he would not be fucking impatient with his son having just been informed and seen for himself that he is terrified, go away mr filoni I know you’ve got all of canon memorized but you don’t get this lol. this feels much more right in how din being conflicted and still thinking he should give the baby away for his own good plays out too  

honestly every line of dialogue for him in this one was perfect I was just whispering ‘I love this awkward clueless wonderful man just doing his best’ to myself any time he said anything. “...does this look Jedi to you?” sir I adore you more than words can describe

- we got din chuckling. asjdklfhsdkafghsdafsadhjkfsdahjkfh. fskahfksjad. side note: I can’t believe my joke post about din desperately trying to Force home school the kid with the one (1) jedi trick he knows about and the baby being delighted by it over and over anyway -- listen to his expectant excited laugh when din takes the ball and sets up the game!!!! -- was canon all along. and then the baby & mando music kicking in when he gently put the silver ball into the baby’s hands again and tells him he’s special (because he IS special. to din)? hmng. hmmmmnnnnn  

they opened on the height of softness so we would all crumple under the weight of the rest of the episode and that was very mean of them in a way I sincerely appreciate 

- nothing to see here... just a dad trying to walk through the literal manifestation of the unassailable underlying forces of the universe to get to his baby again and again........ the desperation in that, the love, the foolhardy devotion................... shit

- okay so I might be a dumbass, but I’d never noticed this before -- the silver ball has a blue spot on the top, like so: 

and in addition we get the room where the baby goes full darth grogu (I have to laugh so I don’t cry okay) on those storm troopers, and there’s a red light in there dominating the room (and it did even more in the concept art):

in star wars blue means light side and red means dark side (it’s very sophisticated that way), meaning the visual storytelling here is that there’s a battle for the baby’s soul and gideon and all his nonsense (and the trauma bb’s been through in the wider sense) is pulling towards the dark, while grogu and din’s connection leads him towards the light. just... the image of the baby looking at his own reflection in the symbolic representation of his relationship to din? the way children find their sense of self through being safely reflected and held by their caretakers? god help meeeeeee I will go in there and fistfight gideon myself for disrupting that in any way  

the smaller light seems to be blue too, like there’s still the presence of light even if it’s dimmed and small in that shitty horrible room, which is a change from the concept art!

- FENNEC SHAND SURVIVED BITCHES!!! I even called that she’d be back with new shiny robot parts back in season 1, could not happen to a cooler lady, I hope we get more backstory and interaction from her the next episodes -- sounds like she’s basically sworn herself to boba’s service in gratitude for saving her life, I wonder if that’s a cultural thing of whereever she comes from? does she live aboard slave 1 now too?? because that would be hilarious and amazing, it must be like two strange cats trying to get used to sharing the same space   

- everything I could ever hope for about boba fett in this series came true, they went down the much more interesting and nuanced route with jango and boba’s identities as mandalorians, he looked cool as fuck and made din as a character shine rather than overshadowing him... amazing beautiful yesss 

(I did 100% not anticipate just how ‘cool uncle boba here to help you fuck shit up’ he was going to be but I am delighted to get it anyway. uncle points deducted for getting someone to point a gun at the baby, but the main point still stands lol) 

the power and brutality of his hand to hand fighting too... a w e s o m e , I enjoyed the action scenes a lot in this one

- they even recanonized him actually wearing jango’s armour. what more could I ask for. I’ve had confused parent & child feels about these two since I was like eleven and here we fucking go again. and jango fighting in the mando civil wars too!

- so I’m grieving the razor crest (and I always will be, rip you magnificent jalopy, always in my heart) but also there’s the grim satisfaction that my reading on it was sort of true -- it is (...was. oh god it’s going to take a while to sink in huh) a symbol of din’s self and life, and at this point when they take the baby it tears everything else to pieces. the only thing that’s left in the ashes is the beskar and the thing that connects him to the baby. and there’s... a strange solace in seeing that that’s all he needs to keep going? he’s fucking obliterated from orbit but he still has his love for the baby and the beskar and that can keep him going until he finds something new, everything else can be replaced?????? weirdly healing, though he is probably going to have a solid breakdown at some point after they get the kid back (shut up they are getting the kid back) and the cold distant fog lifts 

also this scene/shot feels like it carries some Meaning, doesn’t it? I’m on record several times saying I never want din to be mand’alor and that’s still true, but there’s something about the framing of this and the way boba looks at him that’s like... hm. I’m not sure I have the words for it. there’s something heightened about it, anyway, for a moment he looks like something mythic there in the wreckage 

(something I would be much cooler with is our clan of two growing a little bit and those new people rallying behind him, actually, that might be neat. imagine if a force user does show up for the baby and gets adopted into the clan somehow??? so many possibilities.) 

- from the way he picks up the silver ball... din djarin is on his way to straight up murder some people huh

I think part of what reassures me about this scene is the music -- this mando flute is not distant, is not beaten, is not despondent, it’s clear and determined and strong.

- 

I love this. I love when we get explicit baby POVs, it makes it feel so real and intimate and... like home. (I especially loved baby’s point of view inside the razor crest, which just made me tear up again. baby lost the closest thing he’s had to a home in a long long time on top of it all. everything is suffering)

-

Emotionally Significant Thumb Grabbing tm; the show

- din djarin looking for the ‘on’ switch on a magic rock fhsdakjfhsadlfhsdjah I can’t breathe

 “Well, this is the seeing stone. Are you. Seeing anything?” fsafkdsajhfsa sdhfksjalhfkjsdahfkjsdhf

- the energy around the baby as he’s, in ahsoka’s words, ‘choosing his path’ is blue, and the force sort of works across time and space, right?? so there’s definitely still hope for our lil green bean to not have to come up with a really dumb unsubtle sith name for himself, as is regrettably yet delightfully tradition. darth babbu should never come to pass (I do like how they’re interrogating the normal dark/light side dichotomy in this series, seeing as this is a literal baby who can’t really be responsible for that stuff himself yet and has such capacity for both.)  

- listen. listen, the way din says ‘can you please hurry up’ with no sarcasm or real impatience whatsoever, more like a harried worry, to his force-meditating son as he jogs off to make sure no one’s trying to kill them. is hilarious and also YES this is what the character is!!! weirdly and incongruously polite under stress sometimes and with a slightly odd reaction pattern to things!!! he’s not just quiet and badass, he’s a little strange sometimes and it’s so good!  

- a friendly opening volley warning shot from boba there

also din uncertainly asking BOBA FETT if he’s a jedi... now this is the dramatic irony I’ve been looking for haha 

I guess neither shand nor boba actually know din’s name after this either. baby you gotta start introducing yourself at some point it gets real confusing when there are two mandos on screen 

oh the long weary sigh going through din’s frame when boba says he wants ‘the armour’ and he thinks it’s just someone trying to peel the beskar off his corpse again. sorry the galaxy’s so shitty dad   

- “But fate sometimes steps in to rescue the wretched” is a killer line well done mr favreau. I like that boba actually offers din a good deal as well and seems to intend to deliver on it from how things are going. 

- din using his beskar-covered bod to cover someone he’s fighting alongside!!! literal moving cover haha. also I love fennec’s costume design  

- I don’t know where din got more whistling birds from and I don’t care, it was really cool haha 

-

wow haha um so anyway -- 

(cue all the ‘who wore it better’ with cobb vanth’s ‘spiderman’s first home made costume’ look on one side and ABSOLUTE UNIT DADDY boba fett on the other side posts lol)

- aaaghh the music almost like a stunned desperate fluttering heart beat as din watches the razor crest be destroyed 

- for someone who has willingly worked for them in the past boba sure sounds less than thrilled about having the empire back in any capacity 

- oof the deadness in din’s voice when he says “The child is gone”. ooooh no that got me  h e l p 

- guessing next episode is at least partly a ‘gathering old allies and preparing the assault’ step before the grand finale, then! they cannot go for the season ender cliffhanger with this, I will fucking riot. anything can be up in the air except baby and dad being separated, I will not allow it

it would be very funny if the force user baby called out to comes stumbling into the middle of all this like the troy entering the room with pizzas meme too 

- the music in the darth grogu scene is partially a dark mirror of the baby & mando music :’( is nothing in this world sacred

also from how he reaches out for it baby might have used a light saber before in the past with the jedi? ngl the idea of baby wielding the dark saber not when he’s all grown up but in like two episodes -- with all the chaos a toddler holding a laser sword would involve -- is all that is keeping me sane here 

‘liable to put an eye out with one of these’ well gideon you sure have doomed someone to lose an eye with that one, here’s to hoping it’s you, for full dramatic payoff 

he is a deliciously smug awful force with great musical cues tho, you have to give it to him

- okay so this

is obviously awful and horrible and it makes me so sad... but it is undeniably also very very very funny in how it’s framed. you know what? after all this bullshit baby grogu can have a little dark side tantrum, as a treat, we’ve all been there right

(forget finding a jedi, we need to go out there and find a child psychologist who can help him deal with this without adding the fear that he’s on the path to become a two foot tall evil space sorcerer to the mix Y_________Y) 

- rip the razor crest except for the second time :’’’( gone but never forgotten

- the last thing din tells the baby is “I’m gonna protect you; I’ll be back soon”. and I hope that stays with the kid somehow and that it actually comes true, that din will be back for him as soon as humanly possible and all this pain and fear can be repaired. ggggghhhhh my emotions are too big for my dumb human body 

#star wars #the mandalorian #the mandalorian spoilers #the mandalorian meta #okay I'm gonna have to. go take a calming walk or something after this haha

[sapphicmsmarvel]

JJ: Booktube

premise: dating jj and being a booktuber. 

masterlist 

Lets ignore the fact that JJ would be fired without a doubt from the FBI if this stuff actually happened and her life would be threatened by criminals.

-She knew that you were really into books. 

-She just didn’t know how much. You two had met through tinder believe it or not, she was sick of being alone at night and didn’t want a fling. Luckily, you felt the same way and you two matched. 

-The team did know that she was on Tinder, but not that she had officially met someone. 

-Reid was sitting at a table on the plane, watching something on his laptop. But then she heard your voice, your upbeat, happy voice. She glanced back to see your bright and beautiful face holding a book. “What’re you watching?” JJ asked. Which grabbed the attention of Emily.

“A video on what books to read if you want to get into ‘young adult’ books.” Reid said, thoroughly focused on the beautiful woman on his screen. 

“She’s pretty.” Emily saw you. 

“She is.” Reid mumbled, blushing. 

“Who’s pretty?” Morgan said, leaning over the back of the seat, “oooh who’s the cute nerdy girl?” 

“A youtuber, and be nice.” JJ said crumpling a piece of paper and throwing it at him. 

“Her shirt literally says ‘Nerdy Bitch’, I think she knows she’s one. She's hot too.” 

-JJ quickly sent a picture of the screen to you. “My teammates think you’re pretty, have to say I agree.” 

“OMG, please tell me you aren’t watching my videos 😭” 

“I am now baby 😉” 

“FUCK.”

She huffed a small laugh at your response, then continued watching with Reid. 

-Little did she know you tweeted to your followers, “THE GIRL I’M DATING IS WATCHING MY YOUTUBE VIDEOS FOR THE FIRST TIME WITH HER COWORKERS. PLS KILL ME.” 

-When she came home from that case, she wanted to hear all about your job, which you happily told her and tried to ignore your embarrassment over how she found out. 

-Since then she has been a loyal subbie. 

-You met the team and they were all very shocked that it was you that they were watching on their computer screen. They also all subscribed, and you had to make Rossi and Hotch youtube accounts because they didn’t know how. 

-Your viewers knew of her, knew how you always called her “Rapunzel,” and she always called you, “Flynn” in response. 

-But because you explicitly said you won’t be showing her because she asked you not to, you got hate comments for respecting your girlfriends privacy. 

-When she came over one night, she saw all of the publishing houses boxes on your front step. She knocked on your door because she saw that your car was in the driveway. She got her key out of her pocket and opened your door. Then, she carefully put all the boxes into your foyer, as well as her overnight bag and shut the front door. 

-What she saw next warmed her heart, you had fallen asleep on the couch with a book on your chest. She saw your tripod and camera, she realized you were filming a timelapse for a reading vlog. She remembered you telling her that you were filming one this week. 

-She decided not to turn off the camera, instead, she gently took the book off your chest, placed a bookmark to mark your spot. Then she crawled on top of you. You were laying on your back, she laid her head in the crook of your neck, she giggled as she felt you wake up. You wrapped your arms around her, “hey baby.” You croaked. 

-You felt her whisper against your skin, “you left the camera on, thought I’d give a little show of affection for those subscribers who think I’m a bad girlfriend.” 

You sighed, “please tell me you haven’t been reading the comments.” “No, well, sometimes I do. Garcia sees them and gets mad.”

“So she’s the commenter, TheBlackQueen causing fights on my channel. Gotcha.”

JJ laughed, “oh god, I didn’t know she was doing that.”

“Don’t worry about it, I’ve been liking her comments, not deleting them.” 

JJ laughed at that, then you continued, “you want me to get up and turn off the camera? It should turn off in…” she didn’t have to open her eyes to know that you were looking at the red light on the camera and the clock on the wall behind it. “Oh jeez, five minutes maybe, it has a 40 minute timer before it automatically turns off.” 

“No,” JJ shook her head, “I really need to just stay here, Y/N.” 

“Okay.” 

-When the video was posted, she saw the comments on it. There was not a negative one, of course there were ones making a comment about why JJ was just showing herself on Y/N’s channel. 

-After that, she was slowly showing herself in your videos more. Handing you something, delivering a package to your little library in your home. 

-She made a lot of appearances in your moving vlogs for your channel because you two moved in together. The kids also made a brief appearance but very vague, you didn’t show their faces. 

-She was memed within your fanbase because of the faces she pulled while you were moving books, and her helping you move them, she was like “????” 

-When she knew she wanted to propose to you, her and Garcia watched a couple of YouTube videos to learn how to use your camera, then they devised a plan to vlog the engagement together. The ring picking, her talking to the camera and introducing herself. “Hey as you can tell I am not Y/N, I’m her girlfriend, as you guys know we’ve been together for some time but I’m gonna propose to her!” She cheered, then the team in the background were like “finally!” and cheering as well. 

Then she broke down the plan to them, “so, we’re gonna go to our favorite greenhouse in D.C. I shot some footage of picking her ring, which I’ll have her insert here,,,,gah I’m no good at this.”  Then she continued, “so we have a friend who’s hiring some professional photography, which is exciting.” She did a lil shimmy, then Prentiss popped in, “hey! This is a friend of theirs and the reason our friend is hiring photographers is because we’re gonna be sobbing too much to take good photos, as well as he’s rich as fuck” 

Everyone laughed at that. 

“And, well, we’re going tonight, so wish me luck!” JJ gave an awkward peace sign to the camera and turned it off. 

-She then handed the camera to Garcia who would hide and record the footage, the photographers that Rossi hired posed as regular ole pedestrians. The others hid in bathrooms, waiting for the text saying that JJ did it. 

-JJ almost spilled the beans that she was nervous on the way over there to you. That would’ve ruined it. 

-Luckily, the part of the greenhouse that you two had your first kiss in was empty. The fairy lights were lit inside, it looked beautiful.

-They had a flower there that the greenhouse called “the wishing lilly.” The owner of the greenhouse says that those lilies bring good luck, he wished on it then his wife was pregnant with twins, then he won the lottery and managed to build the greenhouse into something bigger. 

-Per as tradition, you both closed your eyes to make a wish, but she opened hers and got down on the ground, Garcia quietly followed you guys in with the other photographers.

“Y/N..” she trailed off, you opened your eyes to find her kneeling on the ground, your eyes instantly filled with tears as your hands went up to your mouth. “Y/N, you are the light of my life, the Flynn to my Rapunzel, will you do me the honor and be my wife?”

“Yes!” You nodded and cried. She quickly stood up and pulled you into her arms. 

-Garcia started crying and shaking, “yay!” You looked up to see her there.

“Oh my god, hi, there’s a lot of people in here.” You said seeing the two photographers and Garcia. 

“Rossi hired photographers. And the team is waiting for a text to come in and congratulate us.” JJ laughed and leaned up to kiss your head. 

“Oh god, I look like a mess!” You laughed, yet cried at the same time.

“We both do, baby. Welcome to marriage.” She slid the ring on your finger, just in time for photos to begin. 

-At the end of the video, you made an introduction part for the subbies to meet JJ. Filled with questions and such to know her. Briefly mentioning her sons as well. 

-After you two got engaged, you started filming fiance challenges, (my fiance picks my next read, my fiance tries to guess the plot of books based off their covers). Hell, you two even do some baking and cooking videos. 

-Your marriage blew up on booktube, you two were The Lady Lovers on booktube, as you had been labeled. You both loved that there were so many people resonating with your love. You shared a pre wedding video talking about the insecurities you both had, and a talk about discovering sexuality when you’re in your mid thirties after a divorce from a man and having two kids. And you, someone who’s never been in a serious relationship, giving your advice to people. 

-It was a big video and an emotional one. But it resonated with a lot of people which you both were glad for. 

-Then your wedding video came out and everyone lost their shit. People were sending in love, there was a lot of adorable footage from the wedding, people crying. 

-You even incorporated books into the wedding decor. 

-While your career was quite different then JJ’s, people saw you as a perfect fit. You stayed home all the time, writing, putting videos up, writing reviews and partnering with brands on your channel, you were able to be there for the boys when she couldn’t be. She was all over the country constantly, she made it a point that every night before bed she’d watch one of your videos, and it helped that you sent videos to her of Henry and Michael. 

-You were the calm to her storm, where her life was hectic and constantly on the move, she knew she always had a home waiting for her. 

#Jennifer Jareau #jennifer jareau x reader #jennifer jareau x you #aj cook #jj criminal minds #Criminal Minds #criminal minds x reader #criminal minds x you #criminal minds x y/n

[iampikachuhearmeroar]

sometime in this last week, or this week coming, my blog has turned/turns 10. god. a decade old. a whole ass chunk of my life i’ve spent on this hellsite. when i began on here, i was a kid. a lost, lonely, depressed and anxious 15/16 year old kid. a kid scared of her future. a kid confused about her future. what to do for uni. to change schools or not??? to do drama/acting at uni or english/philosophy or to move 8hrs away to another regional uni to “escape” her “washed up, dead end hometown” that was so typical of all the pop-punk music that she was listening to at the time.

she was a tad overdramatic, loud, “funny” (as described by her school friends) and terribly forgetful in regards to homework and school assignments. she was angry at the world, most especially the catholic school she was fucking sick and tired of attending. but she was convinced that since she was the so-called “funny girl”, that she simply couldn’t be depressed or anxious. she believed herself unloveable because she didn’t look like a weird mixture of hayley williams and emo-pop queen lights. but now, i no longer believe that i have to look like the women that i looked up to in the ~emo scene~. fuck beauty standards. i am loveable.

in the years since joining tumblr, i’ve managed to get through business college, my undergrad degree and, well, failed out of postgrad due to obvious burnout and health issues amongst other things. although i’ve lost many friends irl and many followers/mutuals online on here. for those who’ve stuck around to see me get through all of this, thank you. to all the friends/casual mutuals that have since deactivated or only followed me for a short time then unfollowed; thank you.

like obviously i was never/have never been a massive popular blog on here, like thebootydiaries or vampireapologist (who has since deactivated a couple of months ago) with tens of thousands of followers. my follower count is still close to the 8,000 range at 7,892. obviously that’s still a lot of people (and of course, porn bots lmao and many, many non-active blogs), enough like one super old post from like 2012 tumblr pointed out, enough for a small to medium sized city or town, or something like that. i don’t know how many people i’ve really reached. i really don’t know how i actually amassed this small army of people.

i am aware though, that on other platforms like snapchat (lmao does anyone even use it anymore in 2021???)/instagram/youtube/tiktok etc, i’d PROBABLY be considered as some type of ~micro influencer (🤮🤮)~. hell, i actually had a bot slide into my notes about being one on here on this hellsite back in 2019. i don’t know if i’ve ever actually ~influenced~ anyone on here with my shitposts (when i started making some) or my personal posts. i don’t know my reach. even though, now, i do occasionally get featured on buzzfeed listicles (although pay me buzzfeed along with the OPs of those original embedded posts), i still don’t know how many people i’ve reached… and even with my very occasional checks of google analytics lmao. on top of this, grappling with the loss of followers at times is much, much easier than it was when i began on here and the first few years following that. i know that my follower count doesn’t determine my worth and stuff.

but over these 10 years, i have grown. i turn 26 this year. back in 2011, 15/16yo me never thought she’d be here. she was partially down the suicidal thoughts hole, with things about ~picturing her funeral and wondering who’d bother to turn up. if only she could pretend to be dead for a day to see who’d give a fuck~ and 16-18yo me was defs down it with her HSC hellscape thoughts in 2012/2013. that 3rd floor tafe/tech women’s bathroom window drop and the thought of scarring her class for life (and that cool dude from catholic school that she crushed on who ended up at tafe with her) with jumping out of it onto the concrete below. instead, she just posted on fb about ~being a failure~ etc which ultimately did lose her a bunch of facebook friends lmao. it was practically the same thing. her mental breakdown after the end of her hsc, where she let her earrings go green and get infected in her ears because “fuck self care, bc what the fuck is it??? i’ll never get better! let me fucking wallow in my self loathing bc it’s the only thing that i’m fucking good at!!!” so i no longer have my ears pierced. oh! it was just all too fucking much!!

i am happier today. i no longer have those semi-suicidal thoughts. hell, i almost died in 2020 from a fucking bowel aneurysm, after my stomach tumour excision surgery. that forced me to put things into perspective. i appreciate the little things . i appreciate the very few friends that i actually have. yes. i’m still depressed and anxious. some days are still shitty and hard. but nowhere as hard and shitty as they were back when i began on here 10 years ago.

how the fuck last 10 years have gone past, with my ass on here; clearing out my blog and caring more about doing that than my uni work (lmao whoops); having made some lifelong friends both internationally (from the US) and long distance domestically in australia, it’s been a long ride; i honestly have no fucking idea. obviously over these past 10 years, i’ve debated with myself over and over and over again whether i should delete/deactivate this account or not. would it make me healthier??? more than likely. but then when i have meltdowns or just inner ramblings i have to get out somewhere, where else to post??? on fb?? obvs not. it’s “attention seeking” or the like on there. no one will read them. no one will resonate. but on here??? even if i got/get one “like” in the notes or one “yo i feel this” response in the tags or replies, it feels like i’ve reached someone??? okay yeah. i know this place IS NOT therapy and i’m not using my followers as amateur (or probs even actual professional) armchair psychologists…. which is a thing i think people need to stop doing internet-wide: but that’s a whole other post that i reblogged a few days ago lmao. i really need to get another therapist, actually lmao.

but it’s the community i’ve found hard to leave. i have what feel like friends, when i’ve never been employed (still as of yet); and when all of my irl friends/acquaintances are working and doing the whole ~adulting~ and ~grown up life~ thing right. it’s also the frenzied rabidness of spite with hating staff’s godawful ideas. the memes. oh the memes. and also the RaWrInG 20s XD emo scene reemergence on here that’s kept me here. the messy petty drama from time to time of big blogs fighting it out.

this place really is bizarre and fun sometimes. and also the fact that i can still hide behind the ridiculous “roaring pikachu” URL that i made all those years ago. i am anonymous. it’s freeing. but on fb it’s all like “WHY WONT YOU ADD A BANNER IMAGE AND TELL US 20 FUN FACTS ABOUT YOU!!!!!???? LET PEOPLE WHO HAVENT SPOKEN TO YOU IN 10 YEARS KNOW EVERYTHING ABOUT YOU BECAUSE WE’RE ALL FRIENDS HERE!!!” and the same goes for Corporate Hellscape Facebook™️ (linkedin) but in the professional sense instead. y’all know fuck all about me really. besides my posts. and i love that and live for that. okay yeah. y’all know more about my mental health than my fb feed obvs… which is probably a terribly unfortunate thing. but still.

over the last 10 years then, my superiority complex for being ~so original and intelligent~ or whatever the fuck i had in high school, has all but ebbed away. i’m not that smart just because i went to uni. hell, i literally did NONE of my in-class work and none of my philosophy readings in uni….. so i have fuck all idea of how i got through undergrad like that lmao. i’m not original when so many people can articulate the same thoughts that i have, but like, sometimes better, on a post (even though sometimes/most of the time the Tumblr User Hot Takes Tuesday™️ takes on here are fucking awful lmao). but still. originality is not something i really have anymore. or really had in the first place lmao.

so will i deactivate after these 10 years, like i’ve been saying for so, so long??? i honestly have no idea. but just know. thanks guise. have a nice gpoy selfie day XD. grab your wands. your tardises. grab your war paint. grab your whatever the fuck other fandom specific stuff that was one that hella cringe post from 2011 til 2015 random tumblr. that relic is as old as time itself. just as this mysterious roaring pikachu is for someone whose too loyal to leave this W E B B E D H E L L S I T E that’s just as much of a train wreck as she is. lmao.

#life #about me #shut up ilona #tumblr is legit my fucking life now #motivate me to deactivate this blog to leave the hellsite forever 2021 #trigger warning: suicide mention #tw: suicide mention

[majicmarker]

so i’ve had a lot on my mind lately — the good, the bad, the ugly, you know the drill. i’m used to the bad and the ugly, but i think (and ofc by my therapist’s rec) i need to give a little credit to the good, too. not to mention the good is largely comprised of people, and those people deserve a sports stadium wave, yk? idk shit abt sports, whatever, but i know what the wave is and it’s like the grandest gesture i can think of, SO

listen, y’all. to get real here, i hate fandom. my time spent therein has been hit-or-miss, but the misses got me hard and contributed to some major self-loathing, etc etc. we’re not gonna get into the specifics, i don’t owe that to anyone, but suffice it to say things got Rough.

but so much of it can be so, so good. and rn i want to keep on my rose-colored glasses, and the rosiest parts for me have always been @kitten1618x and @mygutsforgarters

(quite a few others, too, but i no longer have everyone’s info. and some ppl are newer friends, or relationships that have moved more slowly. i have mad love for u guys too, obvs, but ik melissa and gus irl so we know each other More and they’re who this post is rly about atm. pls know i don’t want to harsh on anyone’s feelings)

the tl;dr version of events is i met them both via fanfic. i happened upon theirs like “bitch!!!! **i** wanna do this, they’re bomb as hell” and then i made them be friends w me. they’ll tell you they wanted to be friends w me first, but that’s not important bc **i** am the one making this post, so they can both like,, suck it.

ANYWAY.

@ melissa : so bitch listen. here’s the thing abt melissa…… i found her while browsing jonsa fic back when i cared abt GOT, and she brought me back to what i loved so much abt romance when i first started, way back in junior high, what’s up. i bad a fascination w historial romantic epics for a loooooong time — those formative yrs, amirite ladies??? — but girl i could never write it so well as melissa. immediately she struck this balance between the drama you expect from historicals and the levity of a good romance, and i was just like, “hand to god this woman must be published already, surely???”

(she’s not, but that’s ridiculous so we’re gonna skip that)

(also she’s busy?? we’ve been friends for like six years and i will never know how many kids she actually has, but the point is she’s a goddamn superhero and i’m obsessed w her, MOVING ON)

i just Had to be her friend for two reasons: 1) she’s too talented, and b) i have said that abt 2 ppl my entire life and she was the first, so i was like, “AH YES MY HOLY GRAIL”

so ofc i slid into her DMs just as effectively as that one guy i had a crush on when i was sixteen and he’s still shooting me texts every valentine’s day bc of the societal pressures i guess (it is Far Less Effective these days, he’s my age and therefore too young for me, gross, but i digress), except me and melissa go way stronger.

she reminded me of why, half a lifetime ago, i started writing romance — bc it’s fun, bc i want to. bc i can do absolutely anything i want, bc who else is gonna read it but me and whoever i share it with? it was all up to me what i wanted to do with it, and i could do anything. nothing really mattered but what i wanted, and i hadn’t felt that way abt anything in such a long time — let alone abt something i used to love so much.

melissa’s writing is so beautiful, it’s everything i wanted to achieve when i was fifteen and never got around to perfecting. and i’m totally okay w that now, bc what do i need to do myself that she’s not already doing/wants to do in the future? when i found melissa’s writing i found a missing part of me — a part i’d maybe lost, maybe i gave it up, idk, but it was totally gone until i found her fics and they fucking clicked. i had to reach out bc there was a part of me that was a part of her, and she helped me find that again w/o even knowing it.

so i found melissa via GOT, and from the start she’d been trying to get me to write some bethyl. years and years, she dropped not-so-subtle hints — and by “hints,” i mean legit directives that i watch just enough TWD to write her some beth/daryl fic. real crafty, she is.

eventually the stars aligned: i was bored w the same dynamics i’d been writing for years, i wanted smthn new, i was restless, i was line editing a bethyl fic she’d written, and — again — this shit clicked. her fic made me want to explore this dynamic i’d never done before, so i watched the prerequisite episodes (no more than that tho, i super hate the show and i’m begging y’all to not @ me abt it anymore). i found smthn that i’d been missing, smthn that challenged and excited me and brought me back around to why i love romance and, more importantly, why i want to write it myself.

so as i was starting to write bethyl, i was poking around the ao3 tag to get a feel for what had been done, what hadn’t, anything i might be missing. and goddamn BAM —

@ gus : this is where u enter dramatically thru a red velvet curtain that i don’t wanna touch (Metaphorically bc you do romance better than me and i’m cool w that bc your talent simply Cannot be touched, and Literally bc i hate velvet) — i was like, “please for the love of god let her want to write contemporary romance, i need some good fckin food”

i happened upon “doo wah diddy diddy” first. ofc the summary hooked me, forget my usual hard no against pregnancy fics (i have issues w pregnancy and that’s all anybody Needs to know, back off), but This Bitch !!!!!!! has a way with words and i wanted to be friends w her straightaway. lmao too bad for her, now she’s stuck w me

gus’s fics gave me what i wanted without having to write it myself. her style is so distinctive, she hits the notes between porn and Actual Affection that is missing from uhhhh, every romance i’ve tried?? (why is everyone so intent on the sex part?? fckin chill. at best it’s unrelatable and at worst u sound like u’d rather wear someone than fuck them, check urself)

she writes w such care, she wants you to know what she’s doing here, and what she’s doing here is combining the physical and emotional needs of both characters w/o infringing on anyone’s comfortability. you root for these characters bc they simply want to be together, no strings (and if there are strings, damn, they talk abt it).

gus makes you believe in love in the modern age. like, not to sound like one of those ppl who post fckin “no one in this generation knows how to love!!!1!!11!!” memes on facebook, those are dumb, but gus’s writing made me think “yeah man, love ain’t dead, it’s just abt how we approach it.”

(if y’all haven’t guessed yet, i have some hang-ups abt relationships. i’ve goddamn earned those. but melissa and gus both brought me back to where i needed to be — in this place where, yeah, we’ve got some shit to deal with, but we all still deserve the things we want, and those things are achievable. i could not have gotten here without them, so jot that down.)

gus is Real, she’s funny, she’s unapologetic in the way she writes. ofc she has her personal hurdles, but who doesn’t?? and tbh nobody writes a sex scene like gus does. physical, realistic, but balanced w the emotional depth that makes you root for these characters bc you can Feel how much they want each other — not just sexually, but in the less-erotic aftermath of that passion. it continues to blow my mind, bc i’ve never seen anyone do what she does. i can’t even pinpoint the specifics, bc she just… Does It. and you’re reading it like “yeah bitch that’s it,” and That’s It.

it’s fckin wild.

these two — my best friends, the lights of my life, both of whom always make me crave chicken tenders at THE most inconvenient hours bc somehow we always talk abt chicken or ice cream or ultimately DQ, but they're both so hot idec — have something special.

i really, really want them both to know that: it’s not just in how they’ve treated me as a friend, but who they are as people, in their creative pursuits. i’ve never known support the way they’ve shown me; i’ve never known this much enthusiasm or investment or belief that i can do what i want with my talent. i want them to know that i feel the same way abt them and their works.

sometimes, when i look back at their writing that completely kicked my ass, i still can’t believe that they’ve become two of my best friends. it’s totally bonkers. they’re This Talented, and they wanna be friends w my spastic ass? GIRL. i’m out.

i’m not always the best at being present, at giving people what they need when they need it. but with everything that melissa and gus have given me in the past few years, i need them to know this — honey!!! i need all y’all to know this, bc i know fandom shit is hard, but you should know some of these friendships are so, so worth all that bullshit, so —

they have so much to give, so much to say, so much to offer. i could not have kept going without them. i couldn’t believe in myself without the faith they’ve given to me. i hope that i can always give that same faith right back.

and that, babes, is what real soulmates are all about.

#i just love them whoops my hand slipped #the majnificent adventures #gus tag #@ melissa wtf is our tag we had like five #how do i not remember five things #anyway i got into my feelings tnt don’t @ me

[wr0temyway0ut]

7 17 20 22 24 28 37 for the 40 Questions Meme for Fic Writers!

Hey have i mentioned lately that i freaking love and miss you

This post got very long so answers below the cut! 

(40 Questions Meme for Fic Writers)

7. Share a snippet from one of your favorite pieces of prose you’ve written and explain why you’re proud of it.

Tbh I’m proud of most of my work but recently I’m especially proud of this bit from Tiny Symphonies (warnings for implications of disordered eating and depression, mentions of blood and stitches): 

Bobby wants to tell Luke that he knows exactly how he feels, that he’s been in his shoes before. That he knows how pointless it feels to take care of yourself when the people who were supposed to do that for you—who were supposed to love you unconditionally— just don’t anymore. That he’s not alone; that Bobby stopped eating and sleeping and showering too, obsessing over what he could have done better, what would have made him more worthy of love. But he’s never told anyone that, not even Alex, and no one’s ever asked. Bringing it up now would make this about him, and it’s not about him, it’s about Luke. There’s no point in treating a faded scar when there’s an open gash that still needs stitches.

Just because I’m a screenwriter by trade, so most of my writing is action and dialogue, and I was sort of worried that I’d lost my touch for internal monologue or really anything that can’t be seen or heard on screen, but I think I did really well with this introspective take on Bobby, if I do say so myself.

17. Do you write your story from start to finish or do you write the scenes out of order?

Start to finish! Mostly bc with fanfic I generally don’t outline or plan ahead so I’m just seeing where the writing takes me, but even with my academic/professional work I find it hard to skip around between scenes.

20. Describe your perfect writing conditions.

For fanfic: on my phone in bed at midnight. For everything else, on my back porch on with my cat in my lap.

22. Choose a passage from one of your older fics and edit it into your current style.

Aha okay here’s a rewritten bit from my single Good Omens fic Lift Home? I wrote in 2019 (I refuse to go any older than that)

They sit in silence for a good deal of the ride, Aziraphale clutching his books as if doing so can control Crowley’s reckless careening through the city.

As they near the bookshop, Crowley slows down ever so slightly, not that the change would be perceptible to any being without their heightened senses. Still, Aziraphale relaxes the tiniest bit, and deems it safe to break the silence.

“That really was very kind of you.”

“I said don’t mention it.”

“Well, I won’t bring it up again, but I do want you to know…” He places a gentle hand over Crowley’s on the steering wheel. “That was the nicest thing anyone’s ever done for me.”

A spike of panic shoots through Crowley’s chest. Without thinking, he wrenches the steering wheel to the right, pulling his hand away from the angel’s and sending the Bentley crashing around the corner. He slams on the brakes in front of Aziraphale’s bookshop, just barely missing a fire hydrant.

With as much indifference as he can muster, Crowley drawls, “Here you are.”

24. Have you ever deleted one of your published fics?

I don’t think I have, thought lately I’ve been seriously considering orphaning my old Hamilton fics. The only reason I haven’t done it yet is because the rare email notification that someone has commented on them makes me happy.

28. Share three of your favorite fic writers and why you like them so much.

 @martialwriter do you count? Is this for specifically fanfic? Idk if you write fanfic but I will say it was a freaking honor to read your early drafts of the Guardians and make films with you bc you’re such a great writer. Also @a-tomb-with-a-view was sort of the first jatp writer I read when I was getting into the fandom and they continue to write astonishing pieces. I owe my entire good dad!Caleb au to @siriuslyrose and her absolutely delightful fic Are You For Me or Against Me. And @satisfictiion my old buddy from the hamilton days who is now writing a jatp percy jackson au that’s so fun and intriguing and has me on the edge of my seat. I know it said only three but also @kybee1497 and @on-irratia deserve appreciation to

37. Talk About Your Current WIPs

Ooooh boy there’s so many. So I’ve got Heart of a Dancer and The Parent Trap which are already published and in progress (i’m working on the next chapter of Heart of a Dancer rn). Honestly I have so many WIPs rn it’s just easier to post screenshots of my list

The ones I’ve actually started are the Vagabond, Finally Free, and Teenagers Scare the Living Shit Out of Me, but I’m very excited to get to the other ones. (edit: I just realized Unconditional Love has no explanation lmao, it's about Alex finding out his parents have changed and being pissed about it, framed by the song "Unconditional Love" by Against Me!)

As a bonus, here’s all the titles I went through for Tiny Symphonies before I settled on one:

#thank you for the ask! #so many good questions #mutuals #ask games #my fic #jatp #it's not sunset cis either #julie molina

[angeltrapz]

for the “give me a character” meme! Eric, Adam, William, Mallick, Strahm, Rigg!!!!

YESS thank u!!!!

Eric:

How I feel about this character: That's my boy!!! <33

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Uuuu okay. Adam, obviously, but concerning the SAW polycule: Adam, Art, Lawrence, William, & Mallick!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Him & Rigg!!! That's his best friend!!! + he and Gibson in the Eric Lives AU!! (Gibson IS dating his best friend + recognizes that he's made the effort to change <3)

My unpopular opinion about this character: You Understand This but the idea that he's irredeemable/deserved to die is complete and utter bullshit. This post that you made perfectly describes my feelings on that!!

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: Firstly that he. Y'know. Didn't die. But I would have loved to see any of his interactions with Hoffman? Obviously they knew each other + I like to think they have since they were in academy together, so there's gotta be some sort of history there, y'know?? I feel like he definitely cared about Eric so I would've been very interested to see more regarding that relationship! + one more big one: I wish he knew/was at least made aware of the fact that Daniel was ALIVE and okay. It kills me thinking abt how this man died not knowing if his child made it out.

Adam:

How I feel about this character: I loooove him he deserved better. I relate pretty heavily to him.

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Hehe. Lawrence obviously!! Chainshipping is a HUGE comfort ship for me. BUT! Regarding the SAW polycule: Lawrence, Eric, William, Gibson, & Mallick!! + when concerning that alternative canon continuity we've been talking abt, Strahm. But only in that circumstance lol,,

My non-romantic OTP for this character: MANDY!!! In any AU where she's either not a disciple or abandoned her apprenticeship, I firmly believe that he and Amanda would be best friends. Mean gay/lesbian solidarity siblings who would fight tooth and nail for each other + who get each other on a level that not many others can. Pamela also!! Along w Mandy I like to think they talk about their experiences being trans a lot + just bitching w each other lol.

My unpopular opinion about this character: IDK how unpopular this actually is but I 100% believe that Adam would never become a disciple in any capacity, ESP not of his own accord. I genuinely think he'd rather die. That's just not something I can see him doing in any circumstance.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wish someone had gotten him out of the bathroom :( And in an AU where he lives I hope someone tells him what a bastard Zep was!! No one made that dude hold a gun to Diana's head and listen to her heartbeat what the FUCK was that!!

William:

How I feel about this character: He's such a sweetheart I love him,, <33

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Lawrence & Adam <3 in the polycule though this includes Eric & Mallick!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: He and Pamela obviously!! His sister is his best friend and they're there for each other 100%.

My unpopular opinion about this character: Much like Eric I don't think he deserved to die/that he's completely irredeemable... he fights so hard to save everyone and is utterly devastated when he can't. He's willing to hurt himself to save others (nearly dislocating his shoulders trying to keep both Addy and Allen, burning himself with the steam for Debbie, etc.) and it's like. John is always talking about how it can't be personal but it seems pretty fucking personal here!

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: The fact that nobody saw how hard he fought for his coworkers + the sacrifices he made for them upsets me to no end. That was intentional. John didn't want Tara + Brent (or Pamela for that matter!) to see him as human and that fucking bothers me!! So basically I just wish that they could've seen it via camera like literally almost every trap victim gets in some capacity!!

Mallick:

How I feel about this character: Yet another character I relate to wayyy too much <33 I love him...

All the people I ship romantically with this character: BRIT!!! + concerning the SAW polycule: Adam, Eric, William, & Lawrence!! (Art maybe too,,)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: I like to think he and Laura would've gotten along actually? I feel like that would be a good, healthy friendship. And I do like the idea of he and Brit like this too!! Other than that maybe Mandy? I feel like they could relate to each other a little bit, help each other when they're feeling brainweird,, (Mallick n Mandy: havers of Symptoms Disorder <3)

My unpopular opinion about this character: Again I don't know if it's unpopular, persay, but uh. I don't think the Mallick we meet in V would willingly sit and listen to Bobby Dagen in 3D. He'd hate that dude. My take on it is that Brit didn't survive V (although I think read somewhere that the crew confirmed she survived?) and that's why he was there: because he'd lost the one true connection he'd made in god knows how long. That's rlly the only way I see him sitting thru Dagen's bullshit lmao.

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wanted him to see Brit again,, and I just wanted to see him more in general tbh, esp because he makes a reappearance where so many prior Jigsaw survivors do not. I would've liked to see him interact with Simone given that they both lost a limb/nearly a limb (in Mallick's case). This is related to that, but I also wish the evidence of the 10 Pints trap wasn't just. A tiny scar? I HC that it took his whole hand, so.

Strahm:

How I feel about this character: Ohhh my beloved. Why didn't they give you a better narrative it would've been SO interesting. I love you though <3

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Honestly? Still super fond of Gibson/Strahm in a scenario where things are different,, I've written quite a bit abt them and kinda want to again but if I do it'll probably be. Not for a while + VASTLY different. but recent additions have been Hoffman (I used to. not understand Stroffman whatsoever. now I Get It) and Adam!!

My non-romantic OTP for this character: PEREZ!!! I've always thought of them as best friends since I first saw IV, and I do think he genuinely cared about her - quite a lot, actually, esp given how devastated he was when she was injured. They hang out at each other's apartments all the time + get coffee regularly. I love them.

My unpopular opinion about this character: I don't think he's a dumbass?? I don't know if that's unpopular. I think that he's IMPULSIVE and that it gets him into trouble, but Strahm has always struck me as incredibly intelligent + has a good moral compass for the most part?? I mean, he figured out there was a second apprentice (second as far as he knows, anyway) helping with traps just by examining Kerry's crime scene. I think he's VERY smart. He just acts quickly + sometimes that means there's not much planning for if things go south. (I DO agree that showing up to the packing plant w/out backup was dumb though,, doesn't mean he DESERVED the Water Cube but y'know)

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: It's not really mentioned if he does in canon, but I wish he'd been made aware of the fact that Perez was alive,, it bothers me that he might've died not knowing she was okay. The other thing is that I wish he'd survived V!!! I think it would've been WAY more narratively satisfying for him to kinda follow in Tapp's footsteps as a vigilante Jigsaw hunter. (That's why I love yr takes on him so much!!)

Rigg:

How I feel about this character: He has such a big heart. He cares so so much. I wish ppl talked about him more :(

All the people I ship romantically with this character: Gibson!!! And uhh Hoffman, but they're exes,, but! In a scenario I'm kind of going over in my head, maaaybe Adam... the basics though is that he searches the Nerve Gas House independently and somehow finds the Bathroom following II, and He is the one to rescue Adam. Very tentative abt that one though bc I'm still working it out lol. (Possibly Eric/Adam/Rigg???)

My non-romantic OTP for this character: Eric!!! His best friend <3 I think he's also pretty close with Kerry, though I think he hangs out w her independent of Eric given,, the messy ex situation. I think he probably got along well with Fisk too!! OH and I think he and Sing would've been good friends as well. The chaos of a Rigg/Gibson/Sing friend trio...

My unpopular opinion about this character: Mmm I don't know that I have one? Other than maybe like. I understood why he went through the door. He knew Eric was on the other side; he just didn't know the circumstances or what would happen if he went through. All he knew was that he was that much closer to someone he's been trying to find/rescue for MONTHS + someone he cares for deeply. Of COURSE he went through. He breaks my heart ugh,,,

One thing I wish would happen/had happened with this character in canon: I wish he hadn't even been tested!!!! His one flaw was that he cared about ppl and somehow John saw that as something he needed to fix!!! Like yes I do agree that it was eating away at him and the obsession might've been unhealthy, but that's two of his closest friends dude!! I don't think he deserved to be tested for that. I don't. He just wanted to help ppl and keep them safe. I absolutely despise how Rigg was treated dkjflkdf!!!!

#saw #eric #adam #william #mallick #strahm #rigg #asks #long post #THANK U I loved getting 2 answer this!!! #+ if anyone else wants 2 send more for different SAW characters I'm still open to these!! #dude I have So Many Feelings abt rigg lately goddd #also I just realized tht this is all my f/os. rigg is a platonic one But Still!!!

[thedaughterofkings]

this here be a rant about deleting fic. Proceed at your own peril

Okay, so, let me preface this with another caution. I am sad and mad and just plain emotional about this, so there’ll likely be some hyperbole. It is not directed at anyone personally in particular, but more a general frustration that I need to get off my chest. I’ll try to keep it as calm and kind as I can, but this is also not going to be an essay that’s nicely thought out and edited. Both because it’s just not worth the effort (the chances of anyone actually reading this are rather slim) and because I want to get this off my chest, not spend even more time on it. So, again, proceed with caution.

I hate that people keep deleting their fics from AO3. And I honestly side-eye them for it. Yes, there are endless reasons for why people delete their fics and all of them might be seen as “valid” by someone, but I basically don’t care (if anyone does end up reading this and feels like arguing - this is one of those hyperboles. I’m not looking for a list of “actually really valid reasons”.)

I think one of the issues that I have with this trend of deleting fic is how it goes against my fundamental understanding of fandom, which is very much collective rather than individual. For me, fandom is about coming together, about uniting in shared love (or frustration, as frequently also is the case) for a medium. Yes, I write for myself, but I publish for fandom. I see my fics as gifts to fandom - not in the sense that anyone should be grateful to get them, but in the sense of bringing another cake to the endless buffet of fandom. And like, you know, I’m not going to bring a cake to a buffet to take it all back home with me? (In fact, that is a very frustrating experience. Would not recommend.)

So, on that fundamental level, I don’t get deleting your fic.

I get wanting to disassociate yourself from fic. But AO3 has features for that.

We have the orphaning feature, which cuts your account completely off that particular fic, all data linking back to your account being deleted irreversibly. That can be done for individual fics, whole series, or even every single fic in your account in one fell swoop. The advantages for this on your side are that there’ll be no connection to your AO3 account anymore, anywhere in your fic. The advantages for your fellow fans are that, for one, and this is the biggest advantage in my opinion, the fic still exists. It is still available to be read and reread and loved by everyone. On the more technical side of things, AO3 orphaning leaves all links and AO3 bookmarks intact, which really is great, if you’ve ever tried to follow a broken link!

The other AO3 option is turning your fic anonymous. This works the same way as with fests that start out anonymous work. You add your fic to one of the many anonymous collections you can find on AO3 and the settings for that collection will get rid of your username on the front end. Anyone who reads that fic will see the author as “anonymous” and will find no connection to your account. The difference to orphaning your work is that the data connecting the fic to your account is still there on the back end. You will still see the fic on your account (but no one else); you’ll still be able to reply to comments; you’ll be able to edit the fic, or undo turning it anonymous. You basically retain all of the control while still loosing the association.

Another option would be to make a completely new account, a sock account if you will, and add the fics you don’t want on your main account anymore there. This should work by adding your new account as co-creator and then orphaning the fics from your main account. That way you’ll retain control while still getting the distance.

It obviously depends on you which option you prefer, but they are there for you to choose from and I wish more people would choose them, because they are actually in line with what AO3 was created for. Which brings me to another of my main issues with deleting fics from AO3 - it goes diametrically against my understanding of what the AO3 is - an ARCHIVE. The ARCHIVE OF OUR OWN was created to host our fics, to provide a space for them to be saved, archived for future generations of fans, to prevent them from being deleted. And to delete a fic from that archive just feels so wrong to me. Fandom is no stranger to lost fics, I’ve gone through many a rec list with not a single link working and it’s the worst thing, but it used to be that that was unwanted. Fics were deleted because FF.net culled all nc-17 fic, because Livejournal suffered through strikethroughs, because yahoo deleted geocities, and so on. Now the deletion is intentional and that just hurts all the more. And it honestly feels - meanspirited is way too strong, but I can’t think of anything else right now - it certainly feels wrong to delete them of AO3, the archive of our own, from servers fandom pays for, fandom upholds, fandom created for fic to be saved from sudden deletion.

On a sidenote, because the above are my really my main issues, but I’ve got to quickly address deleting fics to turn them into sellable fiction. That’s the part I really, truly side eye. This feels like it should be another rant on another day in another post, but I’m at it already anyways, so I’m going to get it off my chest as well. Obviously orphaning or turning fics anonymous doesn’t work if you want to sell them and people can just find them free on the internet. So I guess that makes it a “valid” reason, but it’s honestly the thing that makes me never want to buy a book by an author ever.

I am of the resolute belief that fic and fandom should be free and available for all. Both on the fandom side - it makes fic and fandom accessible to all, whatever your financial or otherwise situation, and on the canon side - it protects fic and fandom from the Anne Rice’s of this world (or rather allows the lawyers of the otw to protect us). So to take a free fic away from fandom to sell it just feels profoundly wrong. Especially after having it hosted on AO3 before (see above).

There’s also a really big questionmark for me when it comes to the separation from canon for me. Like, taking Sterek as an example, if I switch out names, but still have a werewolf whose family died in a housefire and a human thrown into the supernatural world because his best friend got bitten and he helps him figure things out, then those characters still aren’t “mine” and I don’t get to make money off them?! And if I’ve changed them so much that they are not recognisable as Stiles and Derek anymore, then ... was I really writing fanfic to begin with?

Which leads to my second frustration with this particular instance of deleting fics - it makes me as a reader feel like a guinea pig, like a test audience, and adds to that line of thought of “fic is lesser”. So you’ve practised writing fic and now you are a good enough writer to move on to “traditional, original, published, sellable” fiction, and because fandom loved this fic in particular so much, it’s passed the test to become the better fiction. And I hate that.

Mind, I’m not saying I don’t support fic authors who are also authors that publish works the traditional, money making way! I’ve bought and will keep buying books from fic authors. Because obviously fic authors are amazing writers and it doesn’t matter whether their work is transformative or not! However, I will not buy a book that I recognise as fic. It’s either going to be stolen and I don’t want to support that or it’s going to be a fic that got deleted so I could now pay for it - and I’m not even going to be able to tell because it’s not going to have “originally published by author abc on AO3″ on the cover, is it!

And finally, if the issue is that you’re going to apply for a job and you don’t want them to find your whatever fic? I’m going to be real blunt: This is why we don’t post our real name on the internet. Simple as that. Internet safety, kids. It’s not just a nineties meme.

Okay, that’s it, I think. If you’ve made it so far, I just want to say: I hate that people keep deleting their fics from AO3. But I most of all hate it because I love those fics. Because there’s always going to be people who love those fics. And people who would have loved those fics and can now no longer find them. Dear fic authors, I love you, and I beg of you - please don’t delete your fics.

#I'm not going to tag anything because I don't really want this to be found #I'm debating posting it at all #but I've spent way too long on this and I don't think I'll feel like I got it off my chest if I don't post it now #so yeah #I did not reread this at all #so apologies if it makes no sense #but this be a rant and rants do not be reread #and now I'm actually going to hit post and then go hide

[dontjudgemeimawriter]

20 Questions

Tagged by @sleepy-night-child

1. why did you choose your URL?

It’s off of the joke that you should never judge a writer’s browsing history, but to be fair it’s also you can’t judge a writer for anything because hey it’s for a story!

2. any side blogs? if you have them, name them and why you have them.

Yep! This is a side blog. My main is @magicmoon65.

Two blogs that I co-manage are @yourbookcouldbegayer which is a LGBTQ writing advice blog and @dateasapphicwho which has nothing to do with writing and is a wlw suggestion blog.

My other interests have some sideblogs, though considerably less active, including @how-to-be-okay which is a self-care blog, @thewaywethinkiscool which is a psychology nerd studyblr, @hdc2tog which is a craft/crochet blog, and finally, @rainbowpointyhat which is a witchcraft blog.

3. how long have you been on Tumblr?

Ummm maybe 7 years?

4. do you have a queue tag?

Nope and I don’t know what those are for, even as a tumblr veteran. I queue things sometimes but don’t tag it.

5. why did you start your blog in the first place?

this blog I started because... tbh I think I wanted a place to share writing posts, then I wanted to share my writing, then I lost confidence in that, then I get more into writeblr.

6. why did you choose your icon/pfp?

The one rn I chose way bac when I started this and it’s just a writer meme type thing (If you can’t see it it says Writer’s Block: When your imaginary friends refuse to talk to you). But I’ve been considering changing it, maybe to that planet picrew I did.

7. why did you choose your header?

*Checks my header* ummm writing aesthetic pic I hadn’t used? haha should prob change that too. But I also don’t want to change the whole blog design now that people actually look at it.

8. what's your post with the most notes?

original post? A Last Line tag of Terran falling asleep. Kinda a nice one so I can see why.

9. how many mutuals?

Please tell me how to find out your mutuals? Especially considering this is a sideblog and a lot of people follow form their main? Yeah I have no idea.

10. how many followers?

126

11. how many following?

Okay well keep in mind this is non writeblr-specific and I’ve been on here for 7 years......2,960

12. have you ever made a shitpost?

Almost definitely. Would not have any way to find it again, and probably not on this blog anyway. I can guarantee no one saw it.

13. how often do you use tumblr each day?

Wayyyy too much. Tumblr is my default.

14. did you have a fight/argument with another blog once? who won?

Oh absolutely. Let me tell about one of them though:

This was through the dateasapphicwho sideblog. There was this racist blog that kept reblogging our posts, and because we were a sideblog it was really hard to block them. The blog wasn’t openly racist it was just like “white positivity” and that shit. So I tried to message the blog and be like “hey these posts aren’t for you, we don’t appreciate your message how about you take them down” and she replied that once we made the posts others were free to reblog and add their own commentary to them. So while I was waiting for a good chance to deal with her I went “okay fine then, let me use your claim against you” and reblogged a bunch of her “positivity” posts with pics of WOC -- ex. there was a post saying how cute girls with freckles are and I reblogged and went “hell yeah they are” with a bunch of pics of WOC with freckles. I did get to block her and but before that she did back off sooooo I think I won?

15. how do you feel about "you need to reblog this" posts?

I don’t like them. It makes me about 20% less likely to reblog the post. With a few exceptions, and I still will, butttt I don’t like.

16. do you like tag games?

Yes!!!! Please tag me in things I love them

17. do you like ask games?

Yep! I’ve reblogged a few ask games but I don’t get as much out of them, I’d love if I got asks more. It’s okay though.

18. which of your mutuals do you think is tumblr famous?

I have no idea how to answer this question. I’m of the opinion that tumblr is not a place to get famous and if you’re “tumblr-famous” I‘m suspicious.

19. do you have a crush on a mutual?

Nope

20. tags?

Ummmmm I don’t really know who to tag here but if you’re up for it feel free to say I tagged you!

#20 questions #tag game #about me

[inktrailing]

I stole this from @the-kaedageist because it looked fun.

(Also me: “I’ll do this meme quickly...” ... *loses track of time*)

1) How many works do you have on AO3?

78 to my greatest surprise. I guess the only favor 2020 did for me was in writing.

2) What’s you total AO3 word count?

355,868. Holy...

3) How many fandoms have you written for and what are they?

10. Critical Role, CWDC, Men in Black (movies), Supernatural, Doctor Who, PotC. Spattering of some other stuff.

4) What are your top five fics by Kudos?

Unconventional, Men in Black, Jay/Kay, 1211 kudos... somehow

Fish Tales, Men in Black, Jay/Kay, 336 kudos

meet us where the night ends, Critical Role, Essek/Caleb, 298 kudos

I see death cresting over the hill, Critical Role, Essek/Caleb, 276 kudos

message, Critical Role, Essek/Caleb, 273 kudos

5) Do you respond to comments, why or why not?

I AM REALLY BAD ABOUT THIS. It’s literally on my AO3 profile that I’m bad about it. I try every now and then but I so often just get flustered and then don’t end up responding. Oftentimes I’m at work and just flailing during the rest of my shift and yeah /)_(\ Words Are Hard, says the writer.

6) What’s the fic you’ve written with the angstiest ending?

OH THERE’S A COUPLE. I would say Caught in the Wires (MIB, Jay/Kay); and you know my soul (CRc2, Essek/Caleb) probably are the two worst for bad end future fics. follow me into the golden wild (DW, Rose & the Moment) is my favorite of my bad end fics though lol. I fucking love that fic hahaha, and it’s one of my least read stories XD

7) Do you write crossovers? If so what is the craziest one you’ve written?

I don’t really. Not fic wise. A lot of my thought processing goes through basically using an RP format with myself (because I like icons, okay) so sometimes I’ll take wild concepts and play out scenarios with a bunch of characters and sometimes I’ll get shit out of it that I can actually use but other times I’ll have fun things that will not translate well to fic.

My fav of those was a Pokemon AU that y’know basically dragged a bunch of characters in and eventually they had to deal with a Problem like ya do while still ending up stranded. I enjoyed throwing Dean/Lucifer at that because Dean just ended up “ghost hunting” aka freeing/helping/catching ghosts and ending up with 70+ and Lucifer really only traveling around with a Zoroark and still hating humanity but helping mistreated and scapegoated pokemon.

I just really like Dean and his ghost army lmfao.

An actual crossover fic I have (and maybe one day could finish) was Arrow/The Dresden Files only because Paul Blackthorne except it uses book canon instead of TV canon because of Winter Court Bullshit so like whatever, I do what I want some days I guess \o_O/

8) Have you ever received hate on a fic?

I don’t... think so? I sometimes get minor disagreements on characterization but I typically write for myself and am pretty set in my ways so it’s like okay I accept your opinion but it’s not going to change anything.

9) Do you write smut? If so what kind?

I cannot write smut to save my life.

10) Have you ever had a fic stolen?

If I have I definitely haven’t noticed.

11) Have you ever had a fic translated?

stood too close to the flames (LoT, Mick/Len) was translated.

12) Have you ever co-written a fic before?

No.

13) What’s you all-time favorite ship?

I ship so many things at the drop of a hat and so frequently go back to old ships to find new things to read even if it’s been a looooong time. I would say Jay/Kay since I’ve shipped and written them for the greatest length of time without it fading.

I do genuinely enjoy writing Dean/Lucifer though so go rarepairs I guess.

14) What’s a WIP you want to finish but don’t think you ever will?

I fucking love I’ll Stop the Whole World (DW, Doctor/Master, 47k words) as I’ve pulled it up again after idk months to skim through but I suppose I learned a lot from writing lost in the lapse again and going backwards to any of my longer WIPs just hurts a bit? I want to figure it out because there’s so much I adore in it but there’s a lot of work to be done and having two monitors helps now but... I don’t have the energy to tear it apart and sew it back together.

15) What are your writing strength?

god idk

I’d like to say I’ve gotten better at I guess... balance? Juggling dialogue and action and scenery. I forced myself to work on scenery descriptions awhile back and I think it paid off?

I learned to take good notes, especially if it’s something with multiple plot threads that I need to keep track of. That’s what has made some of my older WIPs such a bitch because I didn’t do that and I’m like ????? Hey? Past Me? WHAT?!?! And retroactively trying to build a timeline is REALLY DIFFICULT ACTUALLY.

I do also think I keep my narrative parallels pretty tight. I’m sure a lot get missed because people aren’t staring at the same story that I am for months combing things over, but it delights me okay ;)

16) What are your writing weaknesses?

Finishing shit?! Well, I’ve gotten better at that over the course of the last year. Critical Role reaction fics helped A TON with that. Just spitting things out immediately after an episode.

I am a fucking perfectionist though. Like I’ll canon divergence all I want but mentally I need the basis of canon to weave into my writing even if it’s just for a single line. I like willfully breaking canon not ignorantly.

This means I either never get things done because I need to rewatch or I too meticulously obsess over something.

While I think I’m good with writing scenery I’m SUPER BAD at character descriptions?? I’m trying to?? Work on it?? But that’s one thing I’ve finally just been like okay I know I’m bad at this I just need to accept it and go on because if I get hung up on it then again, nothing’s gonna get posted.

I’ve learned that I vehemently hate the words “still” and “probably” because I white noise them even when doing intensive editing and I use them so damn much and now that I realize going back to read old things hurts my soul.

17) What are your thoughts on writing dialogue in other languages in a fic?

Look I grew up primarily on writing Yu-Gi-Oh! fic. I had my Time with poor use of Japanese in fic. While I don’t have any fandoms now that I write for that it would be relevant... I can’t do it anymore. However, reading it doesn’t bother me, and it generally doesn’t jar me out of anything. Like it feels normal reading it in MDZS fics for one thing.

18) What was the first fandom you wrote for?

I want to say some super wonky ~new cards~ Cardcaptor Sakura fic. But I think the first fandom I published for on FFN was likely YGO. Anything early than that I would have blacked out of my memory ahahaha.

19) What’s your favorite fic you’ve written?

lost in the lapse again took up my life for MONTHS and was really my pride and joy. It was the longest thing I’ve ever written and edited to my liking. I’m so so happy with how it came out and I’m shocked honestly that it has 118 kudos now because I really expected it to get maybe half that, tops. But it was definitely one of those I’m writing this for me, this encompasses what I want, and if others enjoy it that would be really nice!

Otherwise I think I’d say I see death cresting over the hill because it has so many elements I just enjoy rereading. I think it’s my favorite of my Critical Role fics too.

#writing #meme

[harrowdubois]

okay, i said if there was interest i would think about making a post listing all the references i squeezed into the locked tomb fic i spent the last month or so writing, and now i’ve realised i don’t care if there’s interest because i want to be self-indulgent SO

under the cut is a (somewhat spoilery) chronological list of all the memes, vines, and cribbed tumblr posts, as well as homages to various books, tv shows, song lyrics, etc. that made their way into blessed with a wilder mind! 

(cw for suicide mention)

this is of course a reference to the legendary bodybuilding forum thread where they did, actually, argue over how many days there are in a week (cw for ableist slurs in the thread)

---

buzzfeed unsolved meme. i am dirt and i love to eat dirt

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this is so well-known it’s almost not worth listing it but oh my god they were roommates

---

in itself, this isn’t a reference to anything in particular, but if you didn’t do this on your first read then i’d recommend taking another look at this scene and thinking about the specific wuthering heights/frankenstein/rebecca excerpts discussed by harrow and mercymorn but in relation to canon!harrow’s trauma/relationship with the body in htn :~) 

---

also not really a reference to anything in particular but when i looked back over the fic for this post it struck me that the ‘sex panther’ phrasing was probably at least partially unconsciously inspired by the shoebox project (professor mcgonagall’s oiled man panther was a formative moment for me, truly)

---

cw gross/unsanitary: it’s the tinder poop window incident. i mentioned this in the end notes of the fic as being what i had in mind for that scene but if it’s too gross for you (UNDERSTANDABLY) then feel free to Death Of The Author me to your heart’s content!

---

i listened to a lot of orville peck while writing this

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 very very very loosely inspired by this clickhole article

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respectively: fourth of july by sufjan stevens / wuthering heights by emily bronte

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TWO BROS, CHILLIN IN A HOT TUB, FIVE FEET APART BECAUSE THEY’RE NOT GAY

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there was absolutely no need to stretch this across three paragraphs, and yet

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iconic

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i already linked to this one in the end notes of the fic itself, but it’s good, so here it is again

---

 i can’t find the actual original post but it’s this fucking horrible thing 

---

the last line is a reference to the secret history by donna tartt:

“Could it be because it reminds us that we are alive, of our mortality, of our individual souls- which, after all, we are too afraid to surrender but yet make us feel more miserable than any other thing? But isn't it also pain that often makes us most aware of self? It is a terrible thing to learn as a child that one is a being separate from the world, that no one and no thing hurts along with one's burned tongues and skinned knees, that one's aches and pains are all one’s own. Even more terrible, as we grow old, to learn that no person, no matter how beloved, can ever truly understand us. Our own selves make us most unhappy, and that's why we're so anxious to lose them, don't you think?”

---

a lyrical double whammy!

from ‘last words of a shooting star’ by mitski: “they’ll never know how i’d stared at the dark in that room with no thoughts like a blood-sniffing shark”

from ‘a better son/daughter’ by rilo kiley: “sometimes in the morning i am petrified but can’t move/awake but cannot open my eyes” 

---

*

shout-out to maybe my single favourite video game moment, the encounter with the sky cat in night in the woods: “There is a hole at the center of everything, and it is always growing. Between the stars I am seeing it. It is coming, and you are not escaping, and the universe is forgetting you, and the universe is being forgotten, and there is nothing to remember it, not even the things beyond. And now there is only the hole... You are atoms, and your atoms are not caring if you are existing. Your atoms are monstrous existence.”

---

“Nothing is ever fulfilled, not until the very end.” - rust cohle, true detective s1, this reference is VERY tonally dissonant because in context it’s actually grim as all hell but w/e w/e i couldn’t resist the shout-out

also harrow quotes from the goldfinch again here! i had the reference included before i read this post and realised tamsyn muir also quotes from the secret history in htn. terrible synergy 

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they are in fact all real. you’re welcome

---

this one’s doing a lot of work lmao. it’s paying homage to this quote by tamsyn muir talking about the draco-in-leather-pants trope in relation to ianthe by loosely referencing drop dead gorgeous, the best drarry fic ever written, in which harry is part veela

---

“It's a very Greek idea, and a very profound one. Beauty is terror. Whatever we call beautiful, we quiver before it. And what could be more terrifying and beautiful, to souls like the Greeks or our own, than to lose control completely? To throw off the chains of being for an instant, to shatter the accident of our mortal selves? Euripides speaks of the Maenads: head thrown I back, throat to the stars, "more like deer than human being." To be absolutely free! One is quite capable, of course, of working out these destructive passions in more vulgar and less efficient ways. But how glorious to release them in a single burst! To sing, to scream, to dance barefoot in the woods in the dead of night, with no more awareness of mortality than an animal! These are powerful mysteries. The bellowing of bulls. Springs of honey bubbling from the ground. If we are strong enough in our souls we can rip away the veil and look that naked, terrible beauty right in the face; let God consume us, devour us, unstring our bones. Then spit us out reborn.” - that’s right it’s another reference to the secret history, with a little bit of mary oliver (tell me, what is it you plan to do with your one wild and precious life?) sprinkled on top for flavour

--- 

a small one, but it’s the goldfinch again: “And I feel I have something very urgent and serious to say to you, my non-existent reader, and I feel I should say it as urgently as if I were standing in the room with you...”

---

my FUCKING cinnamon apple

 what if i... put my minecraft bed.... next to yours... aha ha just kidding.... unless?

---

[cw: suicide discussion in these next two]

*

robyn can have little a rust cohle quote, as a treat.

1. “I'd consider myself a realist, all right? But in philosophical terms I'm what's called a pessimist... I think human consciousness is a tragic misstep in evolution. We became too self-aware. Nature created an aspect of nature separate from itself. We are creatures that should not exist by natural law... We are things that labor under the illusion of having a self, that accretion of sensory experience and feelings, programmed with total assurance that we are each somebody, when in fact everybody's nobody... I think the honorable thing for our species to do is to deny our programming. Stop reproducing, walk hand in hand into extinction; one last midnight, brothers and sisters opting out of a raw deal.”

2. “This... This is what I'm talking about. This is what I mean when I'm talkin' about time, and death, and futility. All right, there are broader ideas at work, mainly what is owed between us as a society for our mutual illusions. Fourteen straight hours of staring at DBs, these are the things you think of. You ever done that? You look in their eyes, even in a picture, doesn't matter if they're dead or alive, you can still read 'em. You know what you see? They welcomed it... Not at first, but... right there in the last instant. It's an unmistakable relief. See, cause they were afraid, and now they saw for the very first time how easy it was to just... let go. Yeah, they saw, in that last nanosecond, they saw... what they were. You, yourself, this whole big drama, it was never more than a jerry-rig of presumption and dumb will, and you could just let go. To finally know that you didn't have to hold on so tight. To realize that all your life - you know, all your love, all your hate, all your memories, all your pain - it was all the same thing. It was all the same dream, a dream that you had inside a locked room, a dream about being a person.”

---

ahaaa this one’s particularly rough. evil monkey no one alive dot jpg

“Later, that dozy embrace solidified in his memory as the single moment of artless, charmed happiness in their separate and difficult lives. Nothing marred it, even the knowledge that Ennis would not then embrace him face to face because he did not want to see or feel that it was Jack he held. And maybe, he thought, they’d never got much farther than that. Let be, let be.” - annie proulx, brokeback mountain

---

a TRIPLE lyrical whammy!

- harrow’s words to gideon in the dream are a bit of a vague reference to the song ‘adventures in solitude’ by the new pornographers (”we thought we lost you/welcome back”) - gideon’s words to harrow are a reference to the song ‘blush’ by wolf alice (”you’ve got two hands to take all you can/but don’t take too long”) - what harrow texts to gideon is a line from ‘about today’ by the national, aka the most devastating song ever written (”hey, are you awake?/yeah i’m right here”...)

---

i CANNOT find a clip of it but harrow’s repetition of “life is short... it’s short” was me paraphrasing from memory a line from pride (2014), because i am the worst

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spooky scary skeletons! 

“jail for gideon” is obviously a reference to the “jail for mother” tweet that tm also referenced in htn. so, not original in the slightest, but it’s a great tweet

---

one of my favourite tumblr posts

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because naberius tern absolutely would watch rick and morty. he would. i know it in my heart. 

---

and that’s it, i think. hope you enjoyed this horrid little post and my horrid little fic!

#the locked tomb #books #robyn posts

[ofieugogyshz]

🖊️🖊️ one for your husband and one for any of your kids!!

okay so the original meme is buried somewhere in my blog, but i very distinctly recall this one being something to do with favorite f/o quotes and talking/gushing about them?

even if it wasn’t that latter part, that’s what i’m doing, because i’ve had it on my mind for the last several times (”times for what?” shut up, language is all made up, i can unmake it if i damn well please.)

Unfortunately I won’t be able to answer for any of my kids, because I can’t think of anything of theirs that sticks out to me, after all this time this has been in my inbox. More importantly, this is already going to be a long post; I’m not about to make it longer.

Lance:  "I never give up, no matter what. You must be the same?"

so.

This quote.... hits. A lot. Like, OHKO level. Handful of reasons for that but namely it all shifts down to timing. 

(Head’s up, this is gonna be some heavy stuff, including depression, life frustrations, and parental death mention.)

The year is some fuckass year like 2011 or 2012, maybe even 2013. I’m pretty sure it was still the year that BW2 came out, or the spring quarter in the year right after. I’m in my college/university’s small food court, sitting in a quiet fume near the section that normally housed that college’s anime club that I could never quite integrate myself into as seamlessly as I could my community college’s anime club. Mostly on my part, as I was going through a lot at the time. I don’t even know if this was right before the calm of the storm or its aftermath, but it’s all a very shitty, shitty time for me.

I’m just trying to, very angrily, depressedly, distract myself from everything in my life at the time. College is already hard, but I like learning, I’m getting a BA in English, and I had a lot of fun at my community college, and could probably easily find friends here if I tried. There certainly were a few other people I ran into from high school. Even some classmates somehow managed to like me in some classes. I’m here by sheer luck of the financial draw, as FAFSA and my CalGrant level are both taking care of things like tuition and books, and I haven’t needed to get a job yet.  Things, with regards to college, are going pretty well. I should be happy. Happy about that, at least.

Outside of that wonderful, fun, interesting and amazing bubble that was college? Life. My mom is dying. Maybe she’s already dead by this point; I don’t really remember, because I made it a point to rely on my shitty memory to get through that time and not have to remember every single day of those years. I’m not sure if I regret that, but it was the only coping tool I had available to me other than video games, since drugs and alcohol were not things I was interested in, even if I could have afforded it. Books were normally also an escape, but the downside of English Major is that you have to read so many large texts and sometimes dense stories, that you can’t really squeeze much fun reading in-between. If my mom died/was dying, I was having to prepare for moving on top of her death finally striking, after a long, slow battle with cancer that I knew she’d lose all along. (That’s an entirely different, albeit shorter, story). I didn’t want to move, was hoping I could stay, but I think, if this was after her death, I had to uproot my life for the first time. I had moved to a mobile home trailer park to live with an old woman who was very critical of some things and I just didn’t feel comfortable staying there for anything other than sleep or a shower. So I felt out of place, removed and detached from everything, because I had to uproot my entire life in a manner of days, because my dad had sold the house I grew up in, for reasons that felt entirely shitty at the time. And, maybe, a little shitty, but were somewhat good reasons, if they had been given or explained more properly (or from anyone other than my dad, aunt, and grandmother).

I kind of lost myself just now, so I’mma try this again. Mother, dead or dying. House, sold before I could move out, and forcibly moved out in a manner of days. Everything I’ve ever known for a, at the time, lukewarm but familiar life, taken from after years of expecting it, and hoping it’d be just a little bit later, just a little further on, when I could maybe financially support myself. Income? Nonexistent. Barely lucking out on tuition fees by only the good grace of my state’s grants, FAFSA, and going to two of the cheapest schools in the state and maybe the nation (at the time). So I’m just feeling shitty, pissy, angry, depressed, just, so much all at once, everything happening all at once, and I’m taking on extra units to make sure I graduate in a spring semester rather than take 2-3 classes and graduate in the fall of a sixth year. I’ve felt lied to about the time it takes to get a degree, and even though I’m the first in my family to actually do all of the education on time, it just sucks. 

I’m trying to escape it. And what else do I turn to, but Pokemon?

And I’ve already beaten bw2 by this point, and I’m just trying to do the Champions Tournament, because I was a shameless fangirl and eager to fight against Lance. And win (Note: I did not win as often as I’d’ve liked in the PWT or was used to throughout normal gameplay). I’ve seen the phrase he says when you lose against him about 5 or 6 times now, so I know what it says. I know what he says. I’m forgetful, however, so while I’m sitting in that busy corner of the food court, fuming about life and existing and everything happening all at once, mindlessly pressing the A buttong while playing a game to escape it all for just a little bit until I can come back and deal, his words strike a chord within me for once, that it made me want to cry.

"I never give up, no matter what. You must be the same?"

Like, I think I had made his rp blog about this time, and I had used a variant of that quote as the sidebar header/quote. Maybe. But I knew that he said that, and it didn’t affect me those times before-- outside of general fangirling for getting to him. But at that moment, on that day, it just made me burst into tears that I had to close my ds and move away. Because I grew up on too much anime, too much power of friendship and hope and not ever giving up. Of course I was the same, or I had been for the longest time. But at that point, I was just so tired, I just wanted a break for so long already, that it cut me to the core.

It was like a reminder that, no matter how shitty things got, to not give up.

That’s why it’s my favorite quote of his. It means so much to me. He means a lot to me, but not nearly as much as this quote did at that moment. 

#cw death mention #this is like the crux of my life story and basically the whole alluded to negative point between a unova and kalos trip #no i will not be talking further about the parental stuff outside of fics on here #and when it comes up in fic it's to be utilized as a coping and exploration method in order to move past it #sympathies for the death are also not needed as that's a whole shitass ocean's worth of issues that I don't feel like bringing to this blog #sympathies for all that bullshit that resulted *is* allowed #ventisizedbard #asks