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cybernightwanderer · 3 years

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How whats left of me faded away, and how my first christmas home became my last : - The day my mom died. - The concept of family finally ended for me. - And how “ it doesnt get any better”.

23rd December.

These past few months i have been on psiquiatric medical leave from work due to a very severe depression thanks to the amazing workplace enviroment that has now crippled me so deeply physically and mentally, more before.

Its funny how when i try my hardest to recover and get my life back, its becomes so clear its a fucking joke.

Begining of the year i managed to fight off my mom on the money she was forcing me to pay her, and i managed to pay less from what i was paying before, and due to these medical leaves and corona, i get very little support finnancialy. I managed to save up almost 1k, i was ready to start believinng i could fix up my life. However i still pay her what i have to monthly, half the bills, 50 euros for food that i may consume at the house, and i also buy my food and my own things like i always did.

My mom has the tendancy to force me to take borrowed money she lends me.

For example mid corona time, i had to have gum surgery due to an old tooth infection, wich turned out to be 3 tooths, and i took out 2, needless to say my mom helped me with half of the apointments, i payed the surgery ones but then i needed follow up apointments so i wouldnt lose 4 more teeth. Apointments i canceled right away , beause i didnt have any money, and my mom being the mom that she is i always refuse her “ loans “ due to her being worse than a fucking stereotipical loan shark that takes that money back with interest, but in mental health and sanity. However she kept squedueling the apointments without me knowing, then tell me 1 day early, then get mad at me because id tell her i had no money so i told her to cancel and not make apointments without my consent and knowledge. This to wich she responded with screams , name calling , telling me to cancel myself and the general griefing of : “OK fine ill never help u with anything again “ / “ ok fine i dont care anymore then “, “ what you are too good to take my money is that it? “ Then when i standed my ground , proceeding to treat me miserably for the following week, demanding me to do random chores, just for the sake of punishing me , leaving dirty dishes of her own food acumulating so she could force me to do them and threaten me with a beating if i didnt, or making me wash the bathroom everyday for no reason.

With all this mess, half the money i had saved up + using it on the apointments and paying her back right away at the end of the month the consultations i owed her. I was left with 400 bucks.

Wich later on were also spent in dentist urgency apointments, because i kept having infections, psiquiatrist apointments and medicine and a laywer for the work harrassement situation, and then and there, all my money was gone.

The situation goes by, im home , receiving basic support for the medical leave, i pay my share of the bills and i do my own thing, however depression has gotten worse, my attacks have gotten worse, and everything just feels like rock bottom here.

These last 2 months, ive been trying so hard... so hard to get back on my feet, i was taking my medicine, i was taking a languague course, i was going to the doctor. I was really, really trying. Its funny how hard i was trying, for the first time in my life i was really trying to believe it could get better.

My mom was even acting nice and it almost seemed like she was really supporting me and trying.

December 23. Me and my mom go the psiquiatrist apointment for him to avaluate my condition. For the first time the apointment wasnt so heavy, it didnt leave me so weary from it. I finally believed. By the end of the consultation my doctor asks my mom to make sure i dont go back to that work place, because it might have a huge take on my life. My mom turns to the doctor and says : “ I know she cant go back , but she cant be unemployed either.” And the doctor says : “ I know, but if she goes back it can make her worse, we cant let that happend, its damaging her“ ( meaning she could kill herself, due to the last apointments conversation ) On to wich my mother replied : “ Well i cant be providing for us both with my money “.

...

When we arrived at the car i asked her why she said that and what she meant by that. And i told her that i pay for my food and that i pay for the things i eat that she buys ( wich is not much ) and that i also pay for half the bills.

To wich she agressivly threatned me to shut up and started yelling right away and acting like a victim with her mild aneurism that happend quite a few years ago in wich she HAS BEEN FULLY HEALED AND PERFECT HEALTHY, but always uses as an excuse to dodge the discussion after demanding certain shit or just plain insulting me. After a lot of lying and name calling and even telling me that i eat her food and that i live off of her. Into wich i replied, i dont always eat your food , and theres a lot of times when i dont eat and you yell at me and treat me badly for not eating your food wich led me to just eat cereals for months everyday as all 3 meals or not even eating and skipping meals for being too afraid of making my own food in the kitchen.

And so on... And i asked her what she wanted from me. And after a long car fight and a lot of gaslighting, she finnaly admitted she just wanted more money “ because if all your friends pay normal rent , you should too “ ( meaning a 450 rent ).

And then i just gave up and told her ok, ill pay you a full rent and i will also never toutch your food again. She laughed and made fun of me. And said : like ur even gonna buy your own food, you always use my things. to wich i asked what things? Oh you use my shampoo and toilet paper. To wich then i replied, everytime i buy toiler paper for me, you just take it as your own, and i dont use your shampoo or body wash i buy my own and i have been buying my own. And she just kept fighting me on it saying i do...and i told her i dont, if i by any chance dont have shampo ill use body wash as shampoo or vice versa. She just wanted to be right, so i just told her, ill pay you anything you want, i just dont wanna fight anymore im tired. To wich then she just kept saying “ oh now ur just trowing a fit “ And i sayd to her, why me agreing to what u ask and calmly shutting up to not fight anymore , how is that trowing a fit? i just gave you what you wanted, you dont need to be angry anymore.

And she just kept going at it, trying to poke my nerves until i just completly yelled and when crazy. The she acted like a victim again.

I am so drained, i am so tired....

After that discussion it was just 10 minutes of silence. I made a decision. That woman is not my mother anymore.

She wants to be a landlord so bad, she will be one.

My mother has died.

After a few minutes almost home , she decides to turn the “ mother mode “ on, and goes like “ oh you have to go to the doctor blah blah lets get your medicine etc. And i just told her, no. Ill go to the doctor on my own means, and ill buy the medicine when i have money.

Obviously she completly dismissed what i sayd and tried to drive me to the doctor and the pharmacy. After a few NO’s , she went home.

I got home, i took care of my things and i sorted out my doctors paperwork, she tries to come into my room, and acting like a worried mother like : “ oh did you do this -- etc” ( what i was already doing ) and i just told her, to stop. That she doesnt get to “ talk to me about those things anymore, or about my buisness.

Shes not my mother anymore. She doesnt get to act like a mother do just order me around and controll me. She is just a landlord now.

A few hours later, shes wrapping up presents and asks me to do it and asks me for my gifts wrapping thingies, and i told her no. Immediatly got mad at me and kept trowing provocative comments. And i told her, i didnt want any xmas gift from her, and that i wouldnt be spending xmas with her.

She made that usual smirk she mades when she sees me upset.

fast forward, the next day.

24 December

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dcptcnx · 5 years

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Hawks Theory

Okay before I get started, I wanna thank @hobitteh for their fanart of Hawks as a child (for his bday and Xmas) !!

Alright. Now I’ve been listening to this NF playlist on Spotify and it’s got me in my feels (it’s deep af). I know I said that NF songs got me thinking about the Todoroki family (and I will personally make a theory about that later on) but I wanna go on about Hawks today.

We know from manga that Hawks was shown as a kid VERY VAGUELY about his rescuing and stuff. But it got me thinking...Is hawks hiding valuable information about his family and what not?

⚠️I’m really sorry for about what I’m gonna say and for this certain reason, I’m gonna put this theory under the bar because it involves the mentions of physical, and emotional abuse, as well as drug use, and very personal and triggering topics. ⚠️

when I listen to any NF song, i obviously listen to the lyrics, as he raps about his personal life and how he has coped. But some of his songs, I hear stuff more vividly. but Because Hawks’s past was so vaguely mentioned, i have very little to go off of.

At some point in the manga, we see that the price of endeavor toys has dropped drastically because they were not selling as fast as All Might toys. and we see that Hawks has possession of one at this time frame. But in the entirety of the flashback, we see no evidence of his parents. I came up with 4 outcomes or whatever.

1) his parents were separated

2) he was taken from his household and put into foster care

3) he ran away from home

4) one or both parents were abusive to him and he found peace outside

for reason 1, I think that because maybe one or the other parent was being accused of cheating, doing drugs, being abusive or something and for them to find a point of “peace” they ended up splitting up and not living together??

this leads into my 2nd, 3rd, and 4th reason. if the case was that one or both parents were abusive or split up or something, he could’ve ran away from home at a young age because he couldn’t handle the rage and anger within the household. Or a close family friend didn’t want Hawks to grow up in such a toxic environment and called CPS (Child Protection Services) which had him be taken from his parents due to “lack of resources to care for a child”

if that^^ reason were so, the way he got the endeavor toy was A) he was given it from the nanny, B) he stole it while out and about, C) he found it in the trash, or D) his mom or dad bought it with little money they may had have and gave it as a gift.

When i looked at Hobitteh’s art, i saw that young hawks has smudges all over him, with an empty room with no lights on. and 2 parents arguing about the “Endeavor gift” he was holding. The father silhouette is shown yelling at his wife about ‘why did you buy that? you know we cant afford such things’ and the wife is responding back with ‘its his birthday and christmas gift!’ when examining this, I kinda get the sense that Hawks was poor, or was barely making ends meet. But i took this situation into another angle.

Father is abusive to his wife about hawks. Hawks had a fear about his dad and would do anything to make sure his father didnt release his anger on him. Mother could have loved hawks physically, but mentally and emotionally, she wasn’t there for him: she could have been addicted to some sort of drug, and spent the little money they had on getting her fix. This situation could’ve drove hawks’s father into a ‘frenzy’ which led him to leave.

in the mangacap of dabi walking away from hawks to an open door is very interesting. This may have absolutely nothing to do with this but, Dabi is seen walking towards an open door with light; open door to new beginnings, while Hawks is left in total darkness; he let his fear consume him deeply and it dictates his life. (the fear of his past creeping back up to him)

I dont know if Hawks knows about how Endeavor has treated his own kids, because he looks up to him. but i feel like if hawks knew, he would distant himself cause he would remind him of his own father.

Hawks mother, as i said could have been a drug user, may have overdosed on some drug and passed away before Hawks graduated or even at a very young age. This kinda adds to my internal thought that the reason hawks never attended U.A was that it was too much for him to handle, that he didnt really want to be hero for himself but for the people who asked him to. Hes afraid that his downfall will soon show and everyone would immediately dislike him cause he has ‘villainous tendencies’ by his actions.

Being in a poor environment has easier access to drugs, and because his family made just enough to buy the bare minimal on food, his mother just didnt care, cause she needed her ‘fix’ so she would spend the money on drugs, and cause her husband, Hawks’s father, to lash out.

maybe hawks has a super soft spot that nobody knows about and hes too scared to open up too much cause he doesnt want history to repeat itself. he doesnt want to hurt someone who never deserves it. with the abusive part of the theory, it points me to a direction with an Overhaul theory (which i will also write about some time)

all of this could be a complete utter lie and that his parents loved him dearly and did everything they had, but this is what *I* got with someone’s fanart and how Horikoshi added into the manga with the absence of his family.

#hawks #bnha #mha #boku no hero academia #my hero academia #bnha theory #trigger warning

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