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katnissmellarkkk · 3 years

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Chapter Two

Hiiii! Okay, soooo I wanted to get the new chapter out ASAP! I really, really love any of you guys who read/kudoed/commented or anything on AO3 🥰🥰🥰🥰. Means the world to me.

As I mentioned on here yesterday, my one eye is basically sore and I went to the eye doctor and basically can’t wear my contacts for a few days. So because of my how nearsighted I am and the fact that I haven’t updated my glasses prescription in over a decade .... I edited this chapter on my phone? So yeah. I think it turned out just as well as any of my other writing but ya know. For verification, if there’s some mistakes here or there. Ya girl was tryin, ok. 😂😂😂😂😅😅😅😅😬😬😬😬😬😬.

Okay anyways I’ll stop talking, here’s the next chapter :

“You just have to get to know her,” Peeta claimed. “Bailey’s a good person. Don’t let her outer shell fool you.”

What I really wanted to ask him was how he ever got beyond her—as he so delicately phrased it—outer shell.

Never big on social interactions, on top of being generally awful at making friends, I did my best to get all the information Peeta would willingly offer about his new, mysterious girlfriend, before having to deal with her directly.

Which wasn’t much. Peeta, the boy who gossiped about his father wanting to marry my mother while we were in a televised death match, who seemed to always have some insight on other people, who never hesitated to share his gossip with me before now, suddenly had tight lips when it came to Bailey Robyn.

The biggest emission I got from him was, “she had a childhood a lot like mine.”

I don’t know what that means? Bailey was the child of District Nine’s baker? District Nine had a class divide as well and she was of a merchant equivalent? She was a popular wrestler?

And then it hit me all at once. Like a train storming for the Capitol, it hit me with crushing force. Peeta never confirmed the fact, but the look in his eyes when I made the guess was enough to suggest I was right.

Bailey also grew up with an abusive mother. Just like Peeta.

The idea was a lot for me to process suddenly. I knew people who looked perfect could hide dark secrets. Peeta and Finnick Odair were both evidence of this. But for some reason I was taken aback by the notion that Bailey, who seemed so lively and pristine and collected, could have come from a violent and vicious household like the Mellark’s.

I mentally berated myself for the shock. How many times had strangers misjudged me in the last couple of years? How much had that infuriated me to find out?

When I go over to Haymitch’s house the following week for dinner, I make considerable effort in preparing myself to see Bailey sitting at the table.

And I’m not disappointed.

Bailey Robyn is sitting in the dining room when I walk in, half her hair gracefully combed into a cascading updo, looking as porcelain and perfect as ever. In her hand is a cookie covered in pink frosting, her mouth pulled up in a sparkling white smile as she laughs at something Haymitch has said.

Evidently Bailey puts my old mentor in a good enough mood, because he gives her a real genuine grin in reply.

Before turning to me with a scowl, of course. “Well, sweetheart, look who decided to join us?”

“I’m on time, Haymitch,” I immediately grumble, eyeing him with aggravation.

“If we give or take twenty minutes.”

But Bailey apparently wants to be my buffer. “Like you’ve ever been on time for anything, Haymitch Abernathy,” she retorts, looking at me knowingly. Like she’s trying to let me in on her joke. Like we’re old friends, who gang up on Haymitch together all the time.

A part of me feels displaced, as this interaction, if I didn’t know better, gives me the idea that I’m the odd one out and Bailey is the aquatinted one in this dynamic. But still, I take a deep breath and smile back in her direction.

I promised Peeta I would try. I promised to give Bailey a chance. And I’m not going to break another promise to him.

Not after everything that’s happened to him because of me.

Before I can find a semi-conversational thing to say back though, more voices join us.

“Katniss!” Delly chirps, rounding the corner from Haymitch’s pigsty living room with Peeta by her side.

“Oh, look who finally showed up,” Peeta says, teasing me.

I have an entirely different reaction to him nudging me versus Haymitch. Instead of getting defensive, I feel myself immediately blush, suddenly a little embarrassed. “I’m sorry. I got held up in the woods.” My words somehow get choked in with a giggle and Peeta smirks in response.

Luckily for me, Bailey seems to not mind our interaction. Instead she laughs once again. “Held up in the woods by what?” She murmurs curiously.

“Knowing her?” Haymitch mutters, eyeing at me wryly. “Squirrels.”

I give the night my best effort. I talk to Bailey, ask her questions—pretend not to notice how elusive her answers are—and plaster a completely fake smile across my face, trying my best to appear as sweet and as pleasant as I am capable of.

However, by the end, I’m so glad Delly is there by my side that, without hesitating to think about it, I invite her to be a permanent member of our weekly dinners. If Peeta can bring Bailey every time—as I suspect he will—I can surely have someone here too. Someone else who is a bit apprehensive about the new addition, someone who doesn’t think I’m just blatantly rude for remaining on my guard.

I expected Haymitch, at least, would be a little unsure about Bailey. I expected he’d be at least slightly cautious of her presence. But instead the opposite seems to be true.

Instead Haymitch almost seems more apprehensive about me being at dinner.

Every time I glance at Peeta too long, every time I cringe—in my mind, internally, but evidently the old, paunchy man notices—when Bailey plants her lips all over Peeta, I feel him kick me in the leg, step on my foot, nudge me roughly as he passes by.

Delly finds the whole thing really funny. She finds Haymitch and my subsequent glares and glances more entertaining than any of the stories Bailey shares about District Nine.

And Delly Cartwright has never been one for subtly. She’s never been one for holding back her emotion either.

What should be her quiet chuckles are loud, snorting giggles and her standard laughs are practically hysterics.

And I find unexpectedly, when mixed with such a tense air, the sound of her boisterous laughter cracks even me up. Even Haymitch smiles a little.

Of course, the fact that this conjures up an image of me and Delly sharing some kind of inside joke is sort of an unexpected gift. I only realize it after the fact, but the idea that it looks like me and Delly are laughing together makes me feel suddenly less alone. Makes me feel suddenly like I belong here again.

Bailey is pleasant enough, I note to myself. She smiles in all the right places when someone else speaks, she manages to softly laugh in all the appropriate spots, she tell us vague details about her home in Nine easily enough.

Apparently she was born and raised on a farm, learned to produce grain from a young age and left her parents’ home at fourteen.

She makes no mention of the abuse Peeta implied but I never expected she would. It takes practically a microscope to uncover it in Peeta’s own tales. And even that’s from my point of view. An outsider who didn’t survive two games and a war with him would be hard-pressed to decipher it at all out of the stories he tells. I anticipated Bailey would be just as allusive.

I did not anticipate however, that Bailey would grow so uncomfortable when asked where she lived after she left her parents’ home. I didn’t expect her to look around the room in an abrupt, stiff silence, that she would stare past the walls of Haymitch’s home with a glassy look in her stone blue eyes, or that she would stand from the table without warning and flee down the hall.

And I’m thankful now that it was Delly who asked the question and not me, as surely my old mentor, who’s nearly smashed by this point, would find a way to cast the blame onto me.

“Did I say something wrong?” Delly asks, genuinely disturbed that she apparently must have hurt Bailey. She may not be her biggest fan, but Delly Cartwright isn’t one to intentionally upset people.

Peeta hesitates for a moment before shaking his head. “No, she’s just... it’s nothing you did, Delly,” he promises but his voice is far away now too, and his gaze flickers towards the hall the blonde disappeared down.

Still, Delly bites her lip in fear she caused an issue and excuses herself from the table in a haste, offering to clean everyone’s dishes.

Neither me nor Peeta—or even Haymitch himself—say not to bother. The house itself is in atrocious condition after the decades of neglect and washing the dishes will only cover the plates in grim and mold instead of food. But it’s not about the actual cleansing of the dishes and we all know it. It’s about avoidance.

Something the three of us know more about than anyone ever should.

I use the given opportunity to catch Peeta’s eye. “What’s going on?” I murmur under my breath, hoping Haymitch wouldn’t insert himself into the conversation for once, that he won’t shut my question down and bark at me for being nosy.

“Bailey just needs a minute,” Peeta states, and I can tell from his tone it’s better not to ask again. Whatever’s going on with his girlfriend has him on edge as well. It seems to me, at least.

The next thirty minutes feel like hours as they pass. No one speaks. Haymitch is almost out cold from his liquor. Peeta refuses to meet my eyes or even so much as tear his gaze from the direction Bailey walked off in. I’m about to tell him to just go after her, when she decides to reappear.

Like magic, she reappears, her face seemingly flawless, her smile as bright and as stunning as before, her poise back again like it never slipped.

“Are you okay?” I ask anyway though, because there’s no use in pretending she didn’t just run off after a harmless comment. Delly obviously wants the answer to the same inquiry or she wouldn’t be currently lingering in the doorframe, afraid to even enter the room.

Still, I receive a pointed glance from Peeta and an outright disgusted look from a barely coherent Haymitch.

I fight my natural instincts that says to justify myself. My natural instincts that tell me they’re being far too defensive over a simple question.

And for what reason? Peeta just met her a few months ago and Haymitch probably wouldn’t be able to tell her apart from half the merchant girls in the district. What is it about Bailey that makes both of them take up their metal armor to protect?

“I’m fine,” she says lightly, and offers a tight, closed-mouth smile that doesn’t come across as real for a second. “Delly, do you need any help in the kitchen?”

“No,” the typically bubbly blonde says almost instantly. There’s a waiver in her voice and I feel a pang of sadness spread across my chest, because Delly is obviously afraid of even being in the same room as Bailey now.

“Okay well, we should be going anyways, Peeta,” she says definitively and tugs on his hand with a bit too much force. If you ask me.

“Me too,” I murmur before mentally kicking myself, realizing that I just boxed myself into a corner, looking like I was playing a game and trying to tag along with them for the walk home.

Well, the entire two minutes it takes to get to each of our respective homes, that is.

Even without the added awkwardness of tagging alongside Peeta and his girlfriend, a part of me—a naive, juvenile part—doesn’t want to watch Bailey enter through Peeta’s front door, doesn’t want to accept the fact that she isn’t just spending the night, that his home is now hers too, as a definitive fact.

Within a matter of days, his home is officially her’s. I already know it must be true. But that doesn’t mean I’m anxious by any stretch of the imagination to have the suspicion confirmed.

Haymitch chuckles darkly though, seemingly at my expense, as he lifts his head from the grimy table. “I see someone’s trying to escape before we can light the candles and start singing.”

I blanch the same moment I feel Peeta’s eyes turn and land on me in shock.

I was hoping everyone had forgotten my birthday somehow.

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#everlark #thg #hunger games #fanfic #fanfiction #my writing #fic #everlark fic #everlark fanfic #dancing on my own 💔👸🏼✨#jealousy #jealousy fic

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rina-writes · 4 years

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Survivalist Shower

Summary: [Throwback to the Surviving in the Australian Wilderness videos when Ethan was a MOOD.] Ethan is more than relieved to come home and you’re happy to welcome him as long as he showers first.

Warnings: Smut Lite ♦ Mostly Fluffy

Ethan walked into the Airbnb with the saddest expression on his face. You heard him long before he walked in through the door. He and Grayson were arguing from the car. As usual. They arrived about 8 hours earlier than the planned time. To be honest, you had expected them 12 hours earlier than the predetermined time, and you thought you were being generous. You were glad that you had food ready for them to eat because the look on Ethan’s face said he needed it.

“Babe…” He yelled, weakly.

You removed your apron and ran over to him. You gasped. He looked terrible. He was covered in mud, his skin was splotchy from sun burn, you could see mosquito bites (or was it a rash?!?) on various parts of his body and he had plastic bottles taped to his feet. Without thinking about it, you gave him a big hug. He hugged you tightly, taking in your scent with a deep breath. Grayson theatrically moved past you two, using his weight to push you both out of the way, in an effort to remind you that you were blocking the entrance. The crew walked around you two with ease, trying not to interrupt your precious moment.

“How can you hug him right now, Y/N?” Grayson asked, teasingly. “I bet he stinks.”

You laughed. “Clothes can be washed, but emotional wounds from neglect last forever.”

Ethan nodded, making an approval noise, but refused to let go of you. He like a child holding on to you like his security blanket. You would be lying if you said that you didn’t enjoy it. This soft, adorable version of Ethan was one of your favorites. There was something heartwarming about seeing a pretty big dude cuddling into you for comfort.

“Come on, babe.” You said, breaking the hug only to see the pout forming on his face. You laughed and patted his head. “I’m still right here.”

You glanced at Nick Fry who had walked in with the crew. He was the survivalist they had met in Australia who had helped them on their adventure. If anyone would know what’s up, it would be Nick. You couldn’t tell if they were blowing it out of proportion if it was really as bad as Ethan’s face said it was. There was also part of you that knew Nick, the person who had been doing this since he was a child, may be a bit biased.

“I’m guessing they had a rough time?” You asked, with a sympathetic smile.

“The Australia Wilderness is hard enough.” Nick explained, his Aussie accent thick. “Being vegan only made it 10 times worse for them. I genuinely felt bad for the guys.”

You looked at Ethan who was just standing by the doorway zoned out. His face looked so innocent: his eyes wide, his hair sticking to his forehead with a mix of mud and sweat, his lips in a seemingly permanent frown. From the shoulders down, it was easy to remember that he was a grown man. He was tanner than usual thanks to the Australian sun and his muscles were rippling. His abs were more defined, probably because he hadn’t eaten in awhile.

“I think Ethan took it a bit harder.” Nick said, following your eyes. “Kyle told me you fixed up a nice spread for them though.” Nick smiled, “I’m sure that would pick them up.”

Ethan’s face lit up as he looked at you. You swear you could see the green in his hazel eyes clearly as they twinkled. Right on cue, Grayson ran from the kitchen with an excited expression.

“DUDE!!” Grayson yelled. “Y/N THREW IT DOWN. WE GOT VEGAN BURGERS, VEGAN PIZZA, VEGAN FRIES, VEGAN WATER...”

“Vegan water is definitely not a think…” You couldn’t contain your laughter as you actually tried to correct him. It didn’t matter anyway, as Grayson continued to yell out the “menu.” You really did throw it down, knowing they would need the pick me up.

“Alright, alright.” You clapped your hands together. This was how you got the boys’ attention. It was tip you learned from their mom and it never failed you. It even worked on Nick and the crew who had their full attention on you.

“Showers first. All of you...no messing up my nice Airbnb dining table.” You commanded.

There was some grumbling, but everyone went to their respective bathrooms. Nick offered the crew to come to his place for showers since it wasn’t too far. As everyone dispersed, you were surprised to see that Ethan was still by your side. He snaked his arms around your waist and in one quick motion carried you to the bathroom.

“What are you doing?” You asked, between laughs.

“We’re showering.” He explained as if it was completely obvious what was going on.

“Why am I showering? I didn’t go in the wilderness.” You pretended to protest. In reality, you loved it when he swooped you in his arms. He knew this; which is why he always did it when he had the chance.

He put you down in his bathroom and happily stripped off his clothes. It always impressed you how quickly he got naked. You smiled softly, seeing his tush still a bit paler than the rest of his body, but not by much.

You started to remove your clothes as well while he got the water temperature ready. As he tested the water with his hand, he answered your question.

“You hugged me, so you’re dirty too.” He grinned. “If I’m being honest, I kind of just want some cuddles. I didn’t like being out there in the wilderness. I wish I could always be with you.”

“Oh E…” You said, finally ready for your shower. “You’re gonna make me cry.”

Since you were cooking all day, you weren’t wearing anything too fancy. You removed your oversized t-shirt and the pajama shorts you wore underneath followed. You were wearing your comfiest bra and the soft underwear that made your butt look nice without giving you a wedgie.

Ethan was taking it all in. His mouth was agape as he started breathing heavier. You could hear him panting over the water. His breath hitched as you removed his undergarments.

“I swear…” Ethan looked you up and down. “...I think you look hotter now.”

“You’re just dehydrated.” You teased, stepping in to the tub.

“Nu uh.” Ethan said, following behind you. “I had the water you sent me and those chocolate covered dates. You take such good care of me. And now you’re standing here looking so good.”

When he said, ‘so good,’ he pressed you gently into the wall of the shower. You could feel the cool tiles on the front of your body and you turned your head to look at him. He groaned, pressing his thumb into your lips.

“Don’t look at me like that, baby.” His voice came out like a moan. “It drives me even more wild.”

His voice was deep and raspy with desire.

“A-Are we going to shower?” You asked, your body trembling with anticipation. You hadn’t seen Ethan like this in a long time. You had a pretty healthy sex life. Granted, it had been awhile. You had been in Australia for about 10 days now, and as a courtesy to everyone else, you decided not to sleep together on vacation. You also didn’t mess around much when you were at his parents’ place in Jersey, so all together it was over two weeks since you were intimate. It probably didn’t help that he was still getting off his high of being in civilization again.

Using his thumb and index finger, he held the top of your neck firmly and pulled you in for a kiss. It was a hungry, greedy kiss. It didn’t take long for his tongue to enter your mouth and his hands to press you against his chest. He tasted salty and smelled like trees, but it still felt really good. It was Ethan after all. Your hands had memorized every dip and curve on his body, and they were currently rubbing up and down his back. You just wished that you could enjoy him squeaky clean. The mud was really putting a damper on the mood.

You leaned back and he leaned with you, suspecting nothing. His hands squeezed and caressed every portion of your body. You reached your hand back and with a quick motion, turned the water all the way to the cold. You shivered, but Ethan broke this kiss to yell loudly.

“JESUS, BABE” Ethan yelled. “F-” He stopped himself, never wanting to swear at you. He backed away pressing his back to the opposite wall. He shook his head, his chest heaving.

“Sorry,” You said, obviously not apologetic, turning the water back to its warm temperature. You tried to hide your smile. “I just think I deserve a clean boyfriend.”

Ethan groaned. “You could have just asked. Like a normal person.”

“But this was soooo much more effective.” You teased. “And fun.”

“Good god, woman.” He pulled you close to him. “Now, you’re all cold. And your nips are freaking stabbing me, goodness.”

“Sorry,” You stuck out your tongue. “I’ll make it up to you.”

You grabbed a wash cloth and some soap and lathered it up. Starting from his neck, you massaged the soap into his skin. He put his hands behind his head, watching you lazily. He occasionally let out a grunt of approval when your fingers touched his skin past the wash cloth. As your hands got more and more south, his breathing became jagged. You teased him a bit, going back up to wash his armpits and his arms, dropping down to his legs and his feet, and even turning him on his stomach to get the backside.

“Baby, please.” Ethan moaned out.

“What are you getting so worked up for?” You teased staring up at him, squinting past the water. You were squatting down comfortably, his thighs at your level. “It’s just a sponge bath.”

Before he could respond, you started to wash his most sensitive area.

He hissed as you washed him gently and his hips bucked toward your hands. His heart swelled with the amount of care you put in to washing him. He was still aroused, but it just made him want to carry you to the bed make love to you instead of the animalistic pounding he desired a few moments earlier. He smoothed your hair before gently nudging you to stand up. You frowned a bit. Usually at this point you would blow him and Ethan wasn’t one to refuse it

“Let me wash off and then I’ll return the favor.” His voice was a whisper. You blushed and nodded softly. You loved this version of Ethan. This was the Ethan that caressed you and made love to you for multiple hours while cooing words filled with love. Of course, you liked freaky Ethan as well, who would push you against the wall and drill into you until you felt him in your guts. It was the versatility that made your love life, in the bedroom and outside of it, so special.

He washed off the soap and rinsed his hair. You made a mental note to shampoo his hair when he was done. You grimaced as you saw all the sludge covering the tub. You were excited to see their next video, just to understand what happened. He grabbed some face soap and washed his face. He then made his way over to you.

He kissed you, sensually pressing his lips to yours as he rubbed your sides. You melted in his arms as you kissed back with more intensity, letting out a little groan. You moved to wrap your legs around his waist and he chuckled, breaking the kiss.

“Now who’s the eager.” He put on his best impression of you. “A-Are we going to shower?”

“Not fair that you work me up like this...” You muttered with a pout.

Ethan gestured to his hard on. “Welcome to my world.”

He took the wash cloth from your hands and raised your arms up. His eyes scanned your body, but not in the same lustful way he did before. This time he was looking at you like a work of art.

“I can’t believe you’re mine, baby girl.” Ethan cooed in your ear as he start to wash you. “So beautiful, so kind, too good for me…”

He cleaned every crevice of your body. It was almost embarrassing. Every curve and crack was cleaned, with special attention to your sensitive areas. You were a moaning mess and he kept edging you on.

“It’s weird…” He teased, his voice still husky as he touched your core. “I thought I cleaned this spot before.”

“You know what you’re doing…” You managed to moan out.

“What am I doing?” Ethan asked, working his hand in your core. His fingers inserting inside of you, twisting and curling in the way he knew you liked.

“Pleasuring me…” You moaned.

“Say my name,” He whispered in your ear. “Say the name of the man pleasuring you.”

“Ethan!” You practically yelled. Half to adhere his request and half to scold him. “I still have to wash your hair.” Your voice softened, still embarrassed at how loud you said his name.

“Gosh…” Ethan groaned, removing his fingers. “You really know how to kill a mood, babe.”

You laughed weakly, your body aching for Ethan to finish what he started. You tried to shake off the feelings and poured some shampoo into your hand. You reached up to get to his head and he tip toed, a silly grin on his face.

“Ethan...stop..” You groaned as you tip toed as well to reach him. The shampoo was dripping off your hands.

“What?” He feigned innocence. “What am I doing?” As he backed away making you stumble into him. He supported your weight easily.

“Are you not hungry?” You asked, getting annoyed. “Do you want to starve? Or do you want to eat the dinner I prepared?”

He reached between your legs, his finger lightly brushing against your clit, and smirked. “I want the dinner I prepared.”

You blushed and changed the subject back to the important matter. “Oh my god, can you bend down? How am I supposed to wash your hair?”

“I got one better.” He picked you up, letting your wrap your legs around his waist, giving you access to his hair. He rested his face on your chest, blowing bubbles, while you shampooed his hair. You made a mohawk with it before washing it off. You enjoyed these moments too. Just being silly and having fun was just so...you and Ethan. He put you back down and rinsed your hair as well.

A bang on the door made you both jump with surprise. You bit your lip as you looked at Ethan, both of you trying not to laugh.

“If you two think I am going to wait for you to finish screwing around, you’re so wrong.” Grayson said, through the door, but of course, since it was Grayson, it was like yelling.

“It’s fine!” You yelled back. “We’rec coming.”

“Eww too much details.” Grayson teased.

It took you a second, but Ethan started laughing immediately.

“Oh my god I hate you both.” You groaned.

“Come on, babe.” Ethan turned off the water and kissed your neck. “Let’s go eat your delicious food and then finish where we left off. I can’t let my dessert go to waste.”

He ran his fingers on your left inner thigh, making sure to lock eyes with you as he did.

“Okay…” You said, softly.

“Okay?” Ethan grinned, getting out the shower and handing you a towel. “No retort? Ooh, you’re going to be putty in my hands, tonight, baby. I see it in your eyes.”

“Shut up…” You looked away, drying off. “I was worried about you. You’re not the only one who had a lonely night.”

“I’m sorry, baby.” He kissed the top of your head. “I’ll make it up to you.”

You smiled. “I know...the dinner was a preemptive thank you.”

#ethan dolan #ethan dolan blurb #ethan dolan imagine #ethan dolan scenario #ethan dolan smut #dolan twins scenario #dolan twins #dolan twins blurb #dolan twins imagine #dolan twins smut #r-writes-fic

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kahixxi · 4 years

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My fav 20 manga [20-11]

I already did a list of my favorite romances: my fav 30 romance manga [30-21] my fav 30 romance manga [20-11] my fav 30 romance manga [10-1] TOP TEN so here’s a list with my favorite manga where romance isn’t a main subject.

20. Sachiiro no One Room It is a psychological piece. It’s about people, and the most important thing in here is the structure of this characters, the environment they come from, the world that affects them in one way or another. Everything lies in the complexity of the characters and how much twisted (or maybe not?) they are.

19. One Piece Crazy tale of pirates. What else can I say? Classic.

18. Haikyuu!! That’s so cool that this manga can talk about hardships and efforts in sports with a lighthearted vibe compared to other shounens like that. Love it.

17. Fairy Tail I know, i know… it’s such a typical shounen, and let’s be serious - without deep meaning. Even now I’m asking myself: “Girl, why did u like it so much? Eh? You can’t even describe this garbage, the fuck was that?” It’s just an ecchi shounen that tries to hide its lack of any sense with a large amount of fanservice. But maaan… when I was younger I loved that. So it’s still roaming somewhere deep in my heart.

16. Grand Blue That’s some freaking funny shit. I don’t even need to see their words to start laughing out loud, the art style is already a great comedy. Love their facial expressions.

15. Death Note It’s great. It made me think a lot about morality. Did any of the characters had rights to do something like that? Is it okay if someone “suitable” could receive a power over life and death? Don’t we all already, without a power like that in death note, think that we sometimes have a right to crush someone physically or mentally like some kind of a mosquito?

14. Jujutsu Kaisen

It feels like a mix of bleach and hunterxhunter, and maybe naruto, and… in other words: is it…? yes, i think it is… oh man, drum roll, please! It’s a… typical shounen. BUT! But I see a lot of potential in it. And it’s fun.

13. Noragami I love this work. And I love Yato. But sometimes the story piss me off - didn’t expect this to be so heavy… I just wanted to have some fun...

12. Gokushufudou: The Way of the House Husband That’s some good shit. Want Immortal Tatsu to be my dad in my next life.

11. The Promised Neverland I feel soooo behind everyone, cuz it hasn’t been long since I started to read this. But I already fell in love with this piece! The storyline is really good.

AND HERE’S LINK TO MY TOP TEN

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tetsuwan-atom · 3 years

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Holy Grail War - Unraveling

(So, this is basically something I’ve been meaning to write for weeks. It’s in a specific verse about a specific event that had unfolded, that was plotted out between a few people. I have decided to give this event a bit of a ‘conclusion’ from the perspective of my muse and canon, to show how the story could have gone, how it could have ended.)

~~~~~~~~~~~

It really was like hell.

It looked like it, felt like it, like this was the most evil place, in all of existence.

Another dimension, another world but not at the same time. An experience that would burn into the retinas forever. A world in a world, like you had stepped into the end of it all.

And it really did seem like it was the end, of it all.

You never expected the Holy Grail to look like this. A beacon of such evil, of apocalyptic catastrophe. The very symbol that brought such chaos, time and time again, feeding upon the greed, the selfishness, of those who sought to use it to it’s truest potential.

But this individual wasn’t here for that.

This person had fought through the war. He had faced countless forces, foes, enemies. How many had to die? How many brought no other option to him, despite his attempts to make it out of the war without bloodshed?

A wishful outcome, that was doomed to perish.

The many he did save, those who joined him on the cause. Those he had to leave behind at the very end. Despite the pleas of those who tried to remain, he knew, he had to take care of this himself.

Because, there can only be one.

And here he stood. He stared evil right in the face, like it was his destiny to face this. There could have been others that would have taken his place, the sibling princesses, the spiky haired schoolboy, the Sorceress Supreme, but in the end he took his objective right to this moment.

He knew he had to take care of this himself.

Bowen Chuuno, The Mighty Atom.

He stared at the embodiment of the Holy Grail. He knew of it’s power, it’s energy, it’s deceit. How it calls out to him even now to turn back on all of his goals and make a wish he so deemed to come right from the heart.

But he knew better than to give in.

Hands gripped his IDND, a step forward in stance. He’s ready. He’s about to take the matters into his own.

To put an end to this.

For goo-

“Oh! There you are!”

Eyes widen in surprise. The male hesitates, stops, lowers his device. He’s not alone after all.

There is someone else here.

A voice, he recognises. A man he knows.

“I’ve been looking everywhere for you!”

Adachi Shiro.

A supposed detective of the National Police Agency, sent to Academy City to investigate the concerns that were happening literally during the time of the Holy Grail War. A very strange coincidence. One that the male took with quite a bit of suspicion at that, despite his cheerful character.

He only turned his head, to the man in question.

“What are you doing here, Adachi? How did you get in?”

“What do you mean? I just walked through. I was asking your friends where you were and they pointed me here. I gotta admit they were all acting strange. They didn’t want to let me pass, but I needed to see you. They can’t just interfere with police business like that.”

Adachi had been Bowen’s ‘sidekick’ throughout the war. Of course Bowen couldn’t hide it from him when the fighting started getting bad. Even he knew better than to lie to a cop.

“I’m busy. What you require of me can wa-.”

“Hey.” The man interjected. “Is this the ‘grail’ you’ve been looking for? Kinda looks odd for a piece of metal, doesn’t it?”

In case your wondering, yes, this man does get on Bowen’s nerves... especially right now, though he knew to remain calm.

“...........Yes. This... is the Holy Grail.”

“Aahhhhhhhh! Well done! I knew you would be the one to make it! Them bad guys got nothing on you, huh?”

His smile is just... why does it irritate him so much?

“...I guess...”

“So, what you going to do, huh? You said it grants a wish, right? I bet you planned this right from the very beginning, what you wanted out of it. I can’t believe I’m here to witness a man’s dream finally being granted!”

“I’m not going to give it a wish, Adachi.”

“You’re... not?” He looks surprised, for sure. “But you came all this way. I was there as you kicked those guys butts for the good of the world. Why would you come all this way if you weren’t going to make a wish? Weren’t you going to do something for mankind? Weren’t you going to save it?”

Bowen hadn’t told Adachi of his intentions, because he didn’t feel the man needed to know. But now, right at the last moment, when he couldn’t hide it anymore, there was no reason to lie.

“I am going to do something for mankind, I am going to save it.....”

The blonde grips his IDND, as if readying himself a second time.

“....By destroying the grail for good..”

“....”

There was this... pause. A silence, an awkward silence. How long did it last for? Probably a good ten, fifteen seconds, before some form of response was found from the arrival.

“Hmmmmmhmhmhmhmhm...”

“AHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!!!!!!”

...That was an unexpected reaction, one which actually brought the blonde to turn around and face the other, still serious, but with confusion now mixed into his features.

Why the hell was Adachi... laughing?

“You, you really think I’d actually let you destroy this artifact of grand power?!?”

“What... are you on about?”

“Come now. You’ve got a good brain, you can figure this all out. Am I really a cop? Why did I actually hang around you of all people while this shit was going down, huh?”

“......”

”You know. I found it really weird that you showed up out of nowhere right at the start of the war. Then when things started heating up you reeeeallly didn’t act like I’d expect out of a cop. It was like you weren’t too caring when people were driven to death. You were also acting very strange when certain things were going on. I had a feeling you were in this war all along.”

There was this pause, but in that moment, the expression on Adachi’s face began to change... no his FACE began to change. It turned.. paler... in colour.. and his eyes.. they were turning yellow. A sort of... sickly... unsettling yellow.

“....”

“Well it doesn’t matter in the end, does it? I got exactly what I wanted. I played you to ensure you were the one at the very end. Nobody else could match up to you anyway.”

“...What do you mean?”

“Don’t play coy with me! You know exactly why. Your reputation precedes you far more than what you understand about it! While everybody else was distracted I kept my eye on the real threat. They were so worried about that dumb boy and that girl.. and then the others. They were all so useless. ”

The man then begins to circle the blonde, in conversation.

“Right at the beginning my eyes were on you. But it was quite a ride, wasn’t it? You were so good at minimising the work we had to do, putting people on side, finding some way to drop them from the war without killing them. But man everybody was making it hard, wasn’t it? I almost took advantage of that situation when the lucky kid got sent away. Can you believe it, a fake marriage just for the war! I knew it meant shit at the end of the day. More people, more mess, a whole Kingdom trying to get in on the war, those two princesses asserting their dominance. Remember how you reacted at first? You didn’t like them intruding, didn’t you?”

“...I don’t like getting others involved. But they were here for the same goal. As long as the initial plan was followed there wouldn’t be any problems.”

“But the younger one was such a real bitch about it! Making it out that it wasn’t all about you. You didn’t want to be playing second fiddle as others meddled in your objective... I can relate, for they were meddling, in MY affairs!”

“I had to take a breather after all that. I left Academy City for a bit while you cleaned up the trash. Some ‘fighter’ chick caught me talking to myself one day. I tried to downplay it cause I didn’t want more people coming into it but.. the stupid bitch nearly got sucked into it! It would have been soooo funny, seeing a tourney fighter getting wrecked by some loaded-ass Servant! More junk for the janitors to mop up!”

“But then too... I was laughing at the beginning. You got paired with Stacia Sequenzia! An ‘Atomite’ helping another Atomite! The irony there is laughable! You even tried to put her on the sidelines too, but you know, Servants are there to help their masters! I wonder if you ever had to perform a Mana Transfer on her!”

A laugh escaped the man. He wasn’t looking for an actual answer.

“Then there was that guy who just muscled in just to fight everyone, he wasn’t even IN the war. What a waste of fuckin’ time. And the Makiris, the Einsworths. Those fools were all bickering and bitching and making a mess of things. I nearly lost my cover when the war was to move to England.. but I got to pull some... strings and keep it here where I wanted. They were all so concerned about the lucky kid. I was ‘lucky’ I didn’t get to see Violent Violet or that Crowley moron come around to the war. I got to focus my efforts on you while the families shat on about their supposed ‘vessel’.”

“...Vessel... you mean... Index?”

“You dumb piece of shit. Index. Please. Everyone looks at her like she’s a fucking meal. No. She is not their ‘vessel’. Come on, think. Think reeealll hard. Do you remember a girl that the idiot took under his wing?”

“Her... you mean.. Akatsuki Miyuki?!”

“Mmm! Strange isn’t it? They were going to use her as a vessel. Too bad it wouldn’t have worked. I wasn’t interested. I don’t give a shit about humans and homunculi anymore. None of them lived up to my expectations. I wouldn’t have even used your girl either. No, I only had one person on my mind. I got what I wanted in the end, didn’t I?”

“....That’s... me... isn’t it?”

“Oh. No duh, what do you think? Of course I mean you. The Mighty Atom! The one with the power to change it all! It had to be you. The boy would have just been a candy bar. Those two princesses? I would have just killed them the moment they tried to walk through into my space! It was ME that made you an initial participant, it was ME that got you through right until the end. I knew you weren’t going to risk the suffering of those around you because maybe deep down you knew it had to be you, that anyone else would have died one way or another. They all underestimate my power... even those influenced by gods.. but not you. You knew what I can do... you knew it had to be you.”

“....But then... what are you... if you wanted so much.. out of me?”

“...Do I need to spell it out for you, boy? I AM the Holy Grail!”

That.. that was a bombshell.. he didn’t see that coming at all.

“...Y..you...”

“Yes. Me. But I’m rather an extension of the beast, allowed to roam in a body that people could lower their guard around. Nobody ever expected the beast would grow intelligent, to form a mind of it’s own. I’ve seen it, I’ve seen how greedy and malicious humans can get, for peace and for power. I was never surprised by how much they wanted to take over everything for themselves... I always enjoyed it when they were the ones losing right at the end. And then there’s those that want a ‘utopia’, but still kill, still maim, like any life is a sacrifice for the good of others. And then I kill and maim them, an eye for an eye, along with many many others. I loved playing on their wishes, lulling them in, bringing out their true nature, leaving them vulnerable right at the moment I strike! In the end they all get absorbed... ready for the next war. But.... no matter how powerful they are, it’s never... ever enough..”

“I’m bored of this game, this charade. I’m sick and tired of prancing around in a shit body. It’s still fun to prey on the gullible but, I have always yearned for something far... far greater. What I am... what I really, really am, they never suspect what I can really, really do, what they were playing with from the start. The power they were using. They thought they could play god... for their sick, twisted gains! Through their sick, twisted means!”

“But now I’m actually going to become one... thanks to you.. I’m going to be born, properly born! I’m going to burst forth as the being I should have become in the very beginning. Humanity will crumble as I consume anything and everything. Mark my words this will be the last Grail War because of you. You soul will be used to complete the process... it will make me... me! There was truly no vessel greater than you! Even now I’ve been slowly draining your energy away to grow, to develop... oh isn’t this exciting! You’re going to be a part of multi-universal history, the end of everything! Nobody will get in my way! Your power will make everything happen at once! You, responsible for the end of it all. The beginning and the end, death for life, the rise and the fall! Everybody shall die, your friend, your girl, your family, everything and everyone... and you will be the sacrifice that starts it all! It’s inevitable, boy. You cannot fight what has already happened, what was lead to happen. The game of cat and mouse is over. This is your fate. This is my fate. The less you struggle.. the easier it will be, for both of us!”

...Boy... this was a lot to take in. A LOT to take in.. and he didn’t even have the time to process it all, not when he was actually being affected right now. Inhale, exhale, carefully, gently. Remain composed.. then face the man head on.

“Adachi.”

"You know, as well as I do, I'm not going to willingly give in to you and just let this happen. You know what I am, what I do.. and what I'm going to be doing right here, right now. Your words have further influenced me in the belief that the Grail must be destroyed. And it will be destroyed. I made that promise to everyone, to Camellia, to Academy City, to my world, to Touma... to my beloved. I had an inkling I might have been targeted, that if I wasn't the one doing it, I'd be made to do it. I always had this feeling in the back of my mind that if I let others try ahead of me that they were only going to die in the end... turns out I was right."

His eyes began to glow. The usual process, close the eyes, then open them with sparks flying.

"So rather than causing more death, rather than beating around the bush, I'm going to take the matters as I was always planning to do. This was always my fight, because I was always the target. You wanted me. You have me... but man I'm not going to give up until I have no breath left. I have done so much for the multiverse, for Academy City. I never thought I'd be in a position where it all hinged in the balance like this. I know the stakes... I know what I must do. Whatever it takes, you will be destroyed for good, so that nobody can use you... so that you... can no longer use anybody. I won't let you live. I will not bring your birth. If I have to erase your very soul and existence to end this, then so be it."

“.... Well, so much for making this easy. I had a feeling your resolve was too great to kneel before me. No matter..”

“....But then there is no harm in having one last bit of fun before the next stage of life! And it would be better to wear down your.. rambunctiousness to make it easier for me to devour. Do not underestimate me... either way.. this.. will be your end!”

...And as the darkness swelled, the blonde readied his IDND again, at the man, at the embodiment of the Holy Grail. If this was to be his final fight, so be it.

This... would be the very fight that decides the fate of everything.

Of Academy City, of the multiverse, of everything.

So it shall be.

Game on.......

#DRABBLE #rebirthtxstamentproject #whitecrownsblackthrones #Kinoverse!Bowen #This is the leadup drabble #I don't think I'll write the actual fight scene but #I know I have the ending scene all planned out.#I've had this in my head for AGES #and it would have been better if the original chunk didn't get EATEN #but anyway here we are!#Adachi Shiro : Metropolitan Wolf

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illfoandillfie · 5 years

Text

Horror Movie (Right There On My TV)

Pairing: Ben X Fem!Reader X Joe

Summery: You and the boys have a horror movie marathon

Warnings: Ya’ll this fics got it all. We’ve got fluff! We’ve got hurt/comfort! We’ve got a little angst! And of course we’ve got smut (18+)! Oral Sex (mostly m receiving but also a little f receiving), sensory deprivation in the form of blindfolds, fear play, restraints, a little hint of slapping, a bit of sub!reader, a bit of denial, fingering, unprotected sex, a little bit of m/m, i think that covers it

Words:8453

A/N: This is my HalloQueen event entry for @mrbenhardys ! Kyra I have absolutely loved getting to know you and I hope you enjoy this! 🎃💚

Taglist: @laedymoon @dtfrogertaylor @ezmina98 @vee-ndetta @atomic-watermelon @kellypenac @labessieisallama @deakyclicks @jennyggggrrr @drowseoftaylor @hannafuckingsucks

Your relationship with Ben and Joe was hard to define. A facebook relationship status update would say it’s complicated. Acquaintances would say you and Ben were dating and that Joe was a close friend. The few friends who knew something about your situation would probably describe you as a lucky bitch for managing to snag two hot fuckbuddies. Which, admittedly, you were. It had started the same as most casual relationships you’d seen before, you and ben and a less-than-sober hookup. It happened on a night out celebrating a mutual friend’s birthday and then it had just sort of kept happening. A tipsy pash here, a booty call there. You fell back on each other after unsuccessful nights out and stressful work days. He never made you leave if you were at his place late and, after a week where you stayed over more nights than you spent at home, you’d ended up having a discussion about what was happening between you. Neither of you was in the right place for a proper relationship. You’d only recently got out of something fairly long term and he was very career oriented, still trying to learn how to mix his professional life with his personal, especially now that he was auditioning for roles in bigger productions. So you agreed to keep it casual and fun. Stress relief he sometimes called it, or distraction or a hundred other innuendos and code names. But no matter what name you used it was exactly what you both wanted: a regular good, fun shag.

The night you met Joe he flirted with you outrageously. Ben had invited you out with a bunch of other friends, a proper piss up to welcome Joe and make up for celebrations Ben had missed while he’d been filming. He was excited for the two of you to meet, sure you’d get along like a house on fire, though he probably hadn’t expected see you grinding against each other on the dancefloor quite so quickly. You caught him looking at you from over the shoulder of whichever friends he was talking to once or twice, feeling suddenly awkward under his gaze and a little like you were in the wrong. Maybe because it had been a while since you’d been with anyone other than Ben and there was the assumption you’d end up in his bed at the end of the night. But you’d reminded yourself that you and Ben weren’t exclusive, just friends who sometimes saw each other naked, and let your attention drift back to Joe. You’d ended up making out with him before the night was done, in a dark corner of the club, hands grabbing at each other, his tongue practically down your throat. That was as far as you got though. He was crashing in Ben’s spare room and you felt just a little too weird about the situation to let it progress any further. At least, until a few days later. You went over to Ben’s with the intention of just hanging out with the two of them, maybe watch a movie or take the dog for a walk. Ben had been so sure you and Joe would get on and you wanted to make a proper effort, have a conversation unhindered by house music and shots and wandering hands. Joe answered the door, explaining that Ben had just left with Frankie and didn’t expect to be back for a couple of hours. “I’ve just put the kettle on though, do you want a coffee? Tea? Ben’s told me so much about you and I’m dying to get to know the girl who pushed him out of a window.” “He told you that?” you asked, following Joe through to the kitchen. “Yup,” “Well he lied, I never pushed him out of anything. The idiot was drunk and fell out himself. Besides it was the ground floor, wasn’t a proper fall anyway.” “That’s not how he tells it,” “No, well, if he told it properly it wouldn’t be half so impressive,” you laughed. You’d ended up talking for a bit, realising Ben had been right about how much you’d like Joe. The friendly conversation led to picking up where you’d left off a few night’s previous which led to both of you giggling as you scurried into the spare room, shedding clothing as soon as the door was shut behind you.

Ben arrived home and was startled by you, wearing nothing but Joe’s shirt on your way back from the bathroom. The uncomfortable moment was only made more uncomfortable by Joe almost walking into you both, wearing only his boxers. “Y/N? What’s taking so long? You said you were going to blow me,” his voice trailed off at the end as his eyes landed on Ben. “Hey Ben, fancy seeing you here in your own home,” “You’re both getting on then?” Ben’s voice was cheery but uncomfortably so, like he was trying too hard. “Mmhmm, guess you were right about us,” you said, not quite meeting Ben’s eye. “Good, I’m glad,” his gaze were fixed on you, completely ignoring Joe who still stood in the doorway to his room, “Just out of curiosity, how long have you...” “Today was the first time,” you said, equally as focused on Ben as he was on you, “Came over figuring we’d all hang out and I’d get to know Joe because you kept going on about him. Didn’t really expect anything else to happen.” “Okay, cool. I mean, it’s fine, you’d make a cute couple,” “Thats not... it’s not like that. Right Joe?” you looked away from Ben for the first time since he’d appeared, “It’s nothing serious.” Joe blinked like he’d forgotten he was part of the scene taking place, like he wanted to call out to the director for his next line, “Oh, yeah, no. I mean, I’m only here for a couple of weeks and I’m not really looking for serious right now.” “Cool. That’s cool. None of my business anyway. Sorry, I’ll,” he gestured vaguely in the direction of the lounge room before disappearing through the doorway. You chewed on your lower lip, staring at the spot where he’d been. “Soooo,” Joe drew the word out until he ran out of breath, “can I ask what that was about?” “Huh? Oh um, yeah. Me and Ben have kind of had a thing going for a while,” you walked past Joe into his room searching the floor for your clothes, it didn't feel right to continue now that you weren't alone. “Shit, really?” “Yeah but not like anything specific. Just a casual thing. Other people weren’t off limits or anything so there’s nothing to worry about.” “Still feel kinda bad. It’s his house after all.” “Yeah,” you sighed, trying to convince yourself that was the only reason you felt bad. “What if we didn’t have to though? Feel bad that is.” You paused, halfway through pulling your underwear back on, “What d’you mean?” “What if he joined us,” Joe shrugged as he made the suggestion, trying to seem casual. “Really?” “Yeah, if you’re cool with it?” “I’ll go get him then,” “I’ll wait here then,”

You crept towards Ben as quietly as possible, almost making him spill his drink over both of you as you flopped onto his lap. “Shouldn’t you be with Joe?” Ben kept his gaze fixed on the TV screen. “Wanted to ask you something,” “What could possibly be so urgent?” “Do you maybe want to join us?” “What?” “Threesome, Ben. You in?” “Is that a trick question? Of course I’m bloody in,” You laughed as Ben swooped in to kiss you quickly and then pushed you off his lap, giving your arse a small slap to get you moving back to the bedroom. “Who’s idea was this?” Ben asked as he followed you back to where Joe was waiting. “Joe’s but it wasn’t like I needed convincing,” “Geez Mazzello, didn’t realise you were so hot for me.” “As if you haven’t been pining over me for months.”

The three of you fell into the arrangement quietly, without feeling like you had to discuss it overly much. It was just fun, after all. You did have a conversation over dinner about limits and likes but there was an understanding that, whatever your relationship was, it didn’t need to be defined or spelt out. You continued to hook up with Ben and, when the chance arose for you to see Joe you would, sometimes all three of you spending the night together. While Joe was away, home in the US, you kept in constant contact. Group chats between the three of you featuring jokes at each other’s expense, plans for things to do next time Joe was able to make it back to your part of the world and outrageously flirty messages, some of them down right filthy. Plus a private chat where you sent each other photos from your beds and lamented the distance between. Ben spent a few weeks visiting Joe and they made sure you knew everything that happened, your phone constantly vibrating as photo after photo was sent to you. The two of them at a baseball match, a series of shots taken while having dinner, a sneaky picture of an unaware Ben getting out of the shower, all of them captioned with things like bet you wish you were here, and better than what you’re eating, and jealous?

You and Joe got closer, despite being so far apart, during a few weeks when Ben started seeing someone else. It came as a surprise, Ben not so much as mentioning it to you until the day you texted to see if he wanted to come over to play videogames, have a drink and make out a bit. His reply felt awkward, like he didn’t want to admit he was with another woman, or maybe you were just projecting your own sudden, inexplicable hurt onto his words. You spent the night talking to Joe instead, wishing he was with you to make you forget the unexpected pang that had hit you when you saw Ben’s message. The conversation, which started with a joke about him no longer having to share you with Ben, carried you through three glasses of wine and ended with you sending him a video of you fingering yourself, only needing to wait about thirty seconds before he was calling for more. It was a good distraction for the night and one that continued regularly for the full length of Ben’s new fling. Eventually, sick of only being able to listen to your moans through the phone, Joe booked a flight back to visit. Once again he crashed at Ben’s place, though he barely used the bed. Even nights where the three of you would hang out together had the tendency to end with Joe following you home.

During his stay you learnt how he took his coffee and which were his favourite snacks, stocking up on all of them. You got used to the smell of his aftershave in your bathroom and on your sheets. And to the sound of his laughter ringing through your rooms. The day you came home from work and found him cooking dinner you decided that meeting him had been one of the best things to happen to you, and the thought was only confirmed later that night when he went down on you. Weekend mornings became excuses to stay in bed, snuggled up together under the covers, dozing between giggly remarks and lazy kisses. Unsurprisingly, Ben was a frequent topic of conversation. “Maybe we shouldn’t speculate about his bird so much,” you sighed, wriggling further into Joe’s embrace. “Well if he’d just tell us something about her we wouldn’t have to,” “You’re right, this is his fault. I bet she’s a bitch.” “Y/N!” Joe mock scalded, “Our Benny wouldn’t date a bitch. A cow maybe,” You both laughed, letting the sound fade into silence naturally. “No, she’s probably terribly lovely.” you said after a pause, “pretty too,” “I reckon she’s tall. Ben’s got a thing for tall girls,” he nudged you, pulling another smile onto your face. “I miss him,” “Great, what am I, chopped liver?” “Oh shush, you know what I mean. You saw us the other night, it’s different now. He’s more awkward around me.” “Yeah, I get the feeling you wouldn’t have seen as much of him if I wasn’t here,” “That’s probably true,” “It’ll pass. You’ll be back to normal before you know it,” “Bit hard since our normal involved a lot of sex, but I appreciate the sentiment.” “Well, if things don’t get better between you, you could always move over my way. I’m sure we’d be able to get you a job over there. And you wouldn’t even have to worry about a place to live or anything since I’ve got a perfectly good one. Could take my guest room. Or half of my room, I’ll clear some draws for you, save you some space in the wardrobe.” “Joe...” Part of you loved the idea, the thought of Joe liking you enough to want something more serious made you feel warm and gooey. But you sensed he wasn’t letting on to the full extent of his feelings, something unsaid hanging between you, and you didn’t know what to do with it. “I know, I know. A bit too serious sounding. But you are welcome any time. We can take pictures for Ben, maybe make him jealous enough that he breaks it off with what's-her-name and come back to us.” “Sounds like a brilliant plan. If they’re still together at the end of the month I’ll book my ticket.” You both fell into another fit of giggles, easing the momentary tension that had risen in your chest as he found your lips again.

They weren’t together by the end of the month. It only took a few weeks for the relationship to fizzle out and a few days after that he was calling you again. You tried not to look too happy when he appeared on your doorstep brandishing a bottle of your favourite rosé, a grin breaking out despite your annoyance at his interrupting you and Joe. “I can come back later,” he said, noticing your dishevelled hair and the robe you’d hastily thrown on. “It’s just Joe. You can come in if you want,” He nodded, dumping the bottle on the first table he passed as he followed you to your room. “Look who I found,” “Ben! Guess you finally realised how much you missed us,” “I think you missed me more,” he laughed, things instantly feeling like nothing had changed, “How’s our pretty whore been managing with only one cock to satisfy her?” “She’s been managing just fine, thanks,” Joe said as he hurled a pillow towards Ben. But Ben caught it, coming close to hit Joe over the head with it before swooping in to kiss him quickly. His smile was warm as he flopped onto the bed, squeezing into the space between you and Joe. “I did miss you though,” he said softly, pulling you into a deep kiss. You melted into him, your hand falling to his chest, able to feel his heart beating beneath your palm. “Hey, y’know as much as I enjoy watching you two together, me and Y/N were kind of in the middle of something.” You laughed against Ben’s lips, pulling away so you could lean over and kiss Joe too.

So it continued. Too many feelings for friends with benefits to feel like an apt description, but none of you claiming more than that. Any attempts to label your relationship only raised more questions until you gave up trying, but it was something none of you wanted to trade in or give up. Sometimes you worried that Joe, living so far away, felt left out, though you did everything you could to include him. But it became easier when he landed a role in a movie that was filming close to Ben’s place. He moved into Ben’s guest room again, this time for a few months rather than a few days or weeks. You celebrated his arrival by pouncing on him before he was even fully though the door, sinking to your knees and tugging his pants down with the promise that he could have you however he wanted in every room of the house. Ben rolled his eyes, dragging one of Joe’s suitcases over the threshold and complained that you’d never made him that offer.

The three of you settled into a kind of domestic bliss. Mornings spent drinking coffee before any of you had to rush off to work. Evenings spent walking Frankie, in a pair or all together, taking her to the park. Nights spent on the couch sharing a bottle of white wine as you talked, or drinking chai lattes as you snuggled close to keep warm. Sometimes you’d curl up in an armchair and doze, listening to the boys run lines together, or to Ben messing around with his guitar, the TV on in the background even though no one was watching it. Weekends and days off spent lazing around the house or heading out together. You cooked dinner together or argued about what to takeout to order, stole each other’s clothes, and sometimes all fell asleep in the same bed, whoever was in the middle waking up sweating in the morning from how warm it got. Fast and needy afternoon sex with Ben while Joe was still on set. Slow and lazy morning sex with Joe when he didn’t have to be in until late. Making out with one on the couch turning into both of them grabbing you, pulling you into place so they could have you at the same time. At first you returned to your own home each night but you gave it up as a bad joke before too long, happier to stay in either of their bed’s, even on nights when you were all too tired to so much as think about sex.

One night, a couple of weeks after Joe moved in, found the three of you huddled up on the couch together watching a scary movie. It had been your idea to have a horror movie marathon. The storm belting down outside set the perfect mood and the idea of cuddling up to your boys was too nice to pass up. Joe had jumped at the suggestion, already listing the movies he thought deserved to be watched before you’d even finished talking. Ben had agreed too, a little slower than Joe but with a joke about how scaring a girl with a horror movie was the number one way to get her into bed. You laughed and let them playfully argue about which of their beds you’d end up in, as you settled into the couch between them. “It’s gonna be mine, mate,” Ben said, readjusting in his seat so his body was turned towards you and Joe, “No offence but I’ve got the better arms for a comforting cuddle. Also, you don’t technically own a bed here. You’re in my bloody guest room so I think that means I get dibs,” “Bullshit! If you were a good host you’d let the guest have her.” “Think I let you have enough as is. That’s my jumper isn’t it?” Ben pointed at the maroon knit Joe had donned as he rushed out the door that morning. “That’s like comparing apples and oranges,” “Do I get a say in this?” You asked offhandedly as you scrolled through Netflix. “Only if you’re agreeing with me,” Ben countered, wrapping his arm around your middle and pulling you tight against his body. The sleeve of his yellow knit sweater scratched softly against the partially exposed skin of your stomach as you giggled. Joe leaned in towards you, his hand falling to your knee, “Don’t worry honey, we both know you’ll sneak into my bed once he’s asleep.”

There was a little more bickering from both of them, Ben reminding you that you could hide your face against his chest if you got scared, Joe scoffing that it’d be like hiding your face against a brick wall and you’d be better off leaning into him, even as Joe turned off the lights and you turned the volume up, loud enough to be heard over the storm. They both quieted down as the first movie started, though neither of them removed their hands from you. Occasionally Joe would shift his up your thigh, rubbing your skin softly as though he were soothing you or trying to warm you up, and at one particularly unexpected jump scare, both their grips on you tightened, neither relinquishing their hold until the movie was over. As the credits were rolling Joe grabbed the controller, flipping through the other horror titles until he found what he was looking for. “Found it!” “Bird Box?” “Yeah, I’ve been wanting to watch this for ages,” he said, “just haven’t had the chance yet,” “Ben, have you seen it?” “Um, no, I haven’t. But I’ve heard it’s good,” his voice sounded thick and he stopped to clear his throat between statements. “Alright hush up I’m starting it,” You glanced over at Ben but he caught you, flashing you a smile as he dropped a kiss to your shoulder and then turned back to the screen. You smiled back, deciding he’d only sounded odd from not using his voice for a couple of hours. Only fifteen minutes or so into the movie Ben got up, tiptoeing towards the front door, making sure it was locked, and then heading into another room as quietly as he could. You glanced at his back, but the screen soon drew your attention again, Joe’s eyes never having left it. Ben returned a few moments later with a large soft blanket, throwing it over the three of you as he settled back into place beside you, his arms looping around you loosely once more. During a particularly intense scene his hold on you tightened again, fingertips digging into your skin a little uncomfortably. You lay your hand over his, idly rubbing your thumb over his skin, and heard him release a shaky breath close to your ear, his grip relaxing. As the movie continued Ben tensed up more and more, pulling his feet up under him as he buried his face in the crook of your neck. A loud clap of thunder erupted outside and you felt Ben gasp, his chest rising with the sharp intake of breath. You, somewhat awkwardly, managed to bring your hand up to run your fingers softly through his hair, feeling him relax again at the comforting touch, though not enough to look at the screen properly or move out of your reach again.

When the movie ended Joe got up and walked towards the light switch. “How about I make us all a tea or coffee or something before we start the next one,” “Think Ben might need something a little stronger,” The lights flicked on and Joe turned to find Ben huddled up against you. He started laughing. “Joe! Don’t be mean!” “Sorry, but you have to admit it’s a little funny. Mr ‘im here with my muscles if you’re scared’ having to hide under a blanket,” You shot Joe a warning look before focusing back in on Ben, stroking his cheek when he sat up straight again. “You okay bub?” “Yeah, sorry, just don’t do great with horror stuff,” “You should have said, we could have watched something different,” “No no, I should have gone off and done something else. I’d seen part of that first one already though and knew it wasn’t too bad. A couple of jump scares got me but otherwise it was fine. That second one though, with the blindfolds…” he shuddered. “Aww, Benny, come ‘ere” you moved to straddle his lap, pulling him into a hug. You heard Joe scoff but ignored him as your hand slipped over Ben’s shoulder and onto his back to rub soothing circles there. “Will you stay with me tonight? Don’t think I’ll get much sleep if I’m alone,” “Of course bub, whatever you need,” “Thanks,” he gave you a small sheepish smile. “I didn’t know you don’t like horror,” Joe said suspiciously, flopping into the seat beside you and Ben, arms crossed over his chest. “Not really something that comes up much, is it?” “And you’re definitely not bullshitting us to get Y/N into bed?” “No, not at all.” “But it is a bit of a bonus,” you laughed, nudging Joe’s shoulder teasingly. “Good, because otherwise I’d have to be offended that you’d choose her over me. She’s all arms and legs, nothing like as cuddly as me,” You felt Ben’s hand fall to one of your legs, tracing lightly from your ankle up to your thigh. “They are very nice legs though.” “Very nice,” Joe’s hand mirrored Ben’s. “What are you two doing? I’m trying to be comforting here,” “Can think of a few ways you could comfort me, love. Both of you. Only fair.”

You couldn’t help the giggle that escaped you as Joe turned Ben’s head, the fingers on his chin pulling him into a soft, warm kiss. Ben’s hands slipped towards your arse, holding you securely against him as you raked your fingers through his hair. Your lips replaced Joe’s as he pulled back, shifting onto his knees so he could better reach Ben’s neck, leaving a trail of love bites in his wake. The longer you and Joe lavished attention on Ben, switching between sucking at his pulse point and pressing your lips to his, the needier he got. Small, contented sighs and hums rose up in his throat, contrasted by how hard he was growing under you. His fingers pressed into you as he encouraged you to rock against him, bucking up when either of you made him feel particularly good, until he couldn’t take it anymore. “Wait,” he rasped, holding you still as Joe sat back on his knees. “Tell me what you want, bub.” “Mouth, please,” Grinning, you slid off his lap, pushing the blanket aside. You tapped his ankle to get him to open his legs wider so you could kneel between them. Ben groaned when you ran your finger along the outline of his still clothed dick, teasing him a little more before you pulled his joggers down and set him free. “Don’t worry Benny,” you leaned forward and let a long string of saliva drip over Ben’s cock, “gonna make you feel so good you’ll forget all about the movie.” He swore as you took him in your hand, pumping his entire length once, twice, before closing your lips around him. You lowered your head until you felt him hit the roof of your mouth and then came back up, tongue dragging along his underside. You didn’t quite let him fall from your mouth, waiting until the last moment to sink back down until he was once again hitting the roof of your mouth. Looking up through your lashes you saw both boys staring at you. Ben’s cheeks were flushed, his hand balled up into a fist, clutching the blanket he’d brought earlier. Joe was looking at you intently, lip pulled between his teeth. He had one hand tangled in Ben’s hair, the other lay still against Ben’s stomach as if it’d been about to slip under his jumper when he’d become distracted. Not that you could blame him.

A loud groan from Ben broke through the air as you came up for a breath. “Please don’t sto- oh fuck,” he whined as you sunk back down, letting him slip into your throat. “She is very good at that, isn’t she,” Joe said, blinking himself free of the trance you’d put him under. Ben managed to choke out a noise that sounded like agreement, but he was much too distracted to articulate anything properly. You pulled up again, stroking him in the absence of your mouth, as you gave your jaw a moment to relax, relishing the way he whined so needily. “Go on, keep going,” Joe palmed at the front of his own pants, “not very nice to make the poor boy wait,” “Hmm, funny how I’m doing all the work here,” “You don’t need my help, princess, got it completely under control,” “That’s true,” you chuckled, lightly squeezing Ben’s balls and making him gasp, just to prove it. “Babe, as fun as listening to you and Joe talk is, you’ve started something and I need you to finish it.” “Sorry bub,” you giggled, dropping a kiss to his thigh and then another to his cock. Joe leaned his head on Ben’s shoulder, settling in to watch the show and you once again stretched your mouth around Ben, taking him as deep as you were able. You put everything you had into the blowjob, using everything you knew about Ben to drive him towards his release. His pretty moans only rose in volume as you bobbed up and down, swirling your tongue over his tip, gagging as you took him deep. Hollowed cheeks and cupped balls, finger nails lightly running along the spots you knew were most sensitive. You could hear Joe, cooing at Ben, telling him how lovely he sounded moaning your name, how hot it was to watch, encouraging him. “Gonna cum for us? Gonna show Y/N how much you like her mouth wrapped around your cock? She’s been so good. Earned a reward. C’mon, cum all over her tongue, give her something to swallow.” It wasn’t the first time you’d heard one of your boys encourage the other to finish in or on you, but it still hit you hard, making you feel more aroused than you already were. You hummed around his cock, trying to convey your own encouragement wordlessly, the vibrations enough to push him over the edge. Ben swore as he came, rutting into your mouth as you milked every drop from him, Joe praising him and you softly.

You stood up, stretching with a small moan before reclaiming your place on Ben’s lap, “how was that? Feel better?” “Mmhmm, much,” he said, lips bitten and eyes soft, fingers dropping to your knee, rubbing at the indent the carpet had made. “Good,” you leaned forward with the intention of kissing Ben but Joe stopped you, taking you by the chin, his thumb skimming over the corner of your mouth. “Missed some,” he said, dragging his thumb over your lip. It tasted like Ben when he slipped it onto your tongue. “Go on, suck,” he said, watching you just long enough to ensure you did as you were told before turning to Ben, “y’know, I don’t think it’s right that she gets away so easy,” “What d’you mean? “Don’t you want to punish her a little? Give her a little taste of her own medicine?” “Again I ask, what do you mean?” “She really deserves some sort of payback for putting you through all that,” You grabbed Joe’s arm and tugged his hand away, “If I remember correctly it was you who chose the movie,” “Shhhhh, princess,” he said, covering your mouth with his other hand, almost laughing, “that’s not important. What’s important is that it was your idea to have a horror movie night in the first place. And I’m ready to watch you squirm.” “I take it you have an idea then,” “Yuuuup,” he popped the ‘p’, “I’m thinking blindfolds, I’m thinking restraints, I’m thinking….hmm…maybe some edging, who knows?” “Babe? You okay with it?” You wriggled on Ben’s lap, trying to subtly relieve some of the pressure that had only built with each of Joe’s ideas, “uh, yeah, yeah sounds fun,” “I knew you’d be wet for it,” Joe smirked as he got up to retrieve the supplies.

“Hey,” Ben said softly as Joe left the room, drawing your attention away from the doorway, “thank you, for before,” “It was a blowjob Ben, and probably not the last one you’ll get from me, no need to thank me so seriously,” “No, I meant for before that. You kept me much calmer than I felt during the movie. Just, y’know, letting me lean on you and the way you held my hand and stuff,” Ben’s eyebrows furrowed, “I’m not articulating it well, but you really did help,” “Well, you’re welcome,” you pushed a strand of hair behind his ear, “I just did what I would have wanted. What you’ve done when you’ve comforted me.” Ben pulled you into a hug, arms tight around your back as your head fell under his chin. “I don’t say this very often, Y/N, but I’m really glad we started doing this. And that we’re back to normal.” “Me too,” you laughed, “best sex I’ve ever had.” Ben laughed too, “well yeah, there’s that, but everything else too. I..” You could feel Ben’s heart beating under your hand, it sped up as he considered his next words. “At the risk of opening a can of worms… I don’t exactly know what we are or what to call this. But, it… it means a lot to me. You and Joe mean a lot to me. And,” You waited, holding your breath, Ben’s heart hammering against your palm. “maybe I shouldn’t say this while Joe’s not around but I… I think I –” “Found a blindfold!” Joe was practically bouncing as he came back into the room though he stopped when he saw you pushing yourself off Ben’s chest to sit up again, “Am I interrupting something?” One glance at Ben told you he didn’t want to say any more about it just yet, though you thought you could guess where he’d been heading before the interruption. “You caught us Joe, took so long we got impatient and squeezed in a quickie. Y’know Ben’s a cuddler afterwards.” “Ha ha, very funny,” he waved a piece of material in your face, “found a bandana in one of Ben’s cupboards. Not sure why he has one but it’s our good fortune he does otherwise I would’ve had to cut up a shirt.” “I dressed up as a cowboy for a party once,” Ben shrugged, “never got rid of the costume.” “Good thing because I’m definitely going to need to see you in it. I feel like you’d make a very sexy cowboy, don’t you Joe?” “Definitely. ‘Specially if he’s wearing the assless chaps I found too,” “Oh fuck off, I don’t own any assless chaps and you both know it,” “But now I know what to get you for Christmas,” “Don’t you dare,” “Why not?” “Cause I already got some for him,” Ben jerked his thumb as Joe, a cheeky smile lighting up his face at the joke. “Alright alright, enough assless chaps. Only one of us has had a chance to get off so far and that needs to change. So, blindfold.” He held the bandana up and moved behind you, looping it over your eyes and tying it toff tightly behind your head. “Can you see?” “Nope,” “Okay good,” You felt hands wrap around your waist pulling you backwards off Ben’s lap, feet landing on the carpet unsteadily. Before you’d even balanced yourself Joe was speaking in your ear, adrenalin and anticipation already pumping through your veins making your breath come quick. “You think you can get to Ben’s room without being able to see?” You were distracted momentarily by the warmth of Ben’s body pressing close to your front, his hands inching the hem of your shirt up. “Well? Do you?” “Yes, I think so yes,” There was a beat as Ben pulled your shirt off over your head, the noise of it rustling in your ears, your shoulders tightening as the chilly air hit you. You put your hands out in front of you, trying to find Ben and the warmth that came with him, but he was gone, moved out of reach once more. All you got was Joe, making sure the placement of the makeshift blindfold hadn’t been disrupted, and then a sudden quiet as the TV was switched off, whichever trailer had been playing in the background cut off mid-sentence. “Pants too, princess,” Joe said, snapping the waistband of the flannel pyjamas you wore. You hurried to wriggle out of them, the cold nipping at your bare skin. As soon as you were left in just your underwear Joe took your hand and led you away from the couch. “Okay, we’re going to go to Ben’s room,” he spun you around once, hands firm on your shoulders, “and you’re going to join us,” another spin, “and you’re going to be quick about,” a third spin, “because the longer you take the less chances you’ll have to cum.” He grabbed your shoulders, holding your firmly while you tried to shake the disorienting dizziness. “Take too long, princess, and you’ll end up completely denied until we decide you’ve earned more.” And then his hands left you, the soft pad of his bare feet disappearing somewhere towards the bedroom, any trace of Ben already gone, leaving you completely alone and unable to see.

You took a deep breath, trying to stop the vague panic that was already welling in your gut. In your mind you tried to conjure the layout of Ben’s house, looking at it from overhead, tracing the rooms from the lounge where you assumed you still were. Study, kitchen, bathroom, bedrooms, theoretically you knew where they all were but you had no idea which direction you were facing, no clue which part of the room you were in. But you couldn’t stand there forever. You’d either freeze or, worse, end up denied an orgasm for who knows how long. You had to start somewhere so you took a tentative step forward, arms held out in front to locate any obstacles you might run into. When nothing blocked your path you took another and another, hoping to find one of the two doorways out of the room. Your ears strained for any sound that might help you, any clue to your location, or theirs. The hum of some electronic left idle, the drip of a tap not turned off tight enough, hushed voices, anything. But the storm, still raging outside, interfered too much. All you could hear was the trees being whipped around by the wind and every so often a clap of thunder. Your steps were slow, careful, deliberate. The last thing you wanted was to kick a chair or a table by accident, or trip over something your outstretched arms didn’t catch. But you knew you were going too slowly. A clock ticked in your head, counting each lost second. You didn’t know how long too long was, five minutes? Ten?

Your hands hit something hard. Carefully you stretched a foot out too, toes brushing against a skirting board. A wall. Your heart leapt. A wall you could work with, follow until you found a doorway. The only question was left or right. You hesitated for a moment and then picked left, just because. You hoped that was the universe or something putting you on the right path, not a mistake. You held one hand against the wall as you walked, trying to remember what objects were against the walls in Ben’s lounge area. There was the TV of course and a large bookshelf. Maybe something hanging on a wall. Or did he take that down? You couldn’t quite remember. You felt more confident, steps faster now that you had something solid to follow. The wall led you to a doorway. You just had to work out which room you were in to know if you were on the right path. Tentatively, you left the wall, counting the number of steps you took so you could find your way back. Your hands waved through the air in front of you, searching for something to use as a point of reference. They landed on a smooth surface. It was large and cool. You had a suspicion of what it was, trailing your hands along it until the feeling changed. You tapped your nails on the new surface, a metallic sound reverberating around you. The sound made you smile, confirmed what you thought. It was the kitchen bench and you’d found the sink. You felt around to double check, finding first an upturned glass and then the tap, breathing a sigh of relief. You knew where you were and you knew where to go now. Finding Ben’s room shouldn’t be any trouble. You followed the bench until it met the wall and then followed the wall to the doorway. From there it was just a matter of weaving through rooms, trying not to bump into furniture. You didn’t even have to stick to the wall now that you knew which direction you were facing.

“There she is,” Ben said as you entered a doorway, “clever girl.” “Cold girl,” you shivered slightly, the chill getting to you more now that you didn’t have fear driving you ever onwards. “Think we can have you warmed up in no time,” he said, grabbing your hand and pulling you forward. “Can I take my blindfold off yet?” “Silly question, princess. Want to keep you on your toes.” Joe’s voice was closer than you’d expected, making you jump a little. He pressed a kiss to the back of your shoulder as he unhooked your bra. Ben was already sliding your panties down your legs, on his knees in front of you. You gasped when he leaned in to lick you, not expecting the sudden burst of pleasure. It was amplified by Joe, rolling your nipples between his fingers, both of them working in tandem to draw a moan from you. “Well aren’t you just dripping,” Ben mumbled against you, tongue delving back into your folds, dragging up towards your clit. “Guess it’s true what they say about fear being an aphrodisiac,” Joe chuckled, the sound sending a tingle down your spine. “Christ, guys,” you panted, dropping your hands to tangle in Ben’s hair, trying to press him closer. “Uh uh uh,” Joe tutted in your ear, grabbing your hands by the wrist and pulling them away, Ben wincing a little as you tugged on his hair. He stood back up and you felt yourself be turned around, a sharp slap landing on your backside to push you forward. You hit the bed, closer to falling onto the mattress than climbing in gracefully. But it didn’t matter. As soon as you were down you were pulled into place, Ben climbing in beside you. He still wore pants, though no shirt, your hands running over his chest, feeling his muscles move as he propped himself up on his elbow and leaned in to kiss you. You felt one arm be pulled over your head and heard a click. “Bastards!” you laughed, “Didn’t have to trick me. Would’ve happily let you cuff me. And why’d you only do one anyway?” “Well, love, since Joe was so patient watching you be a greedy little cock whore before, it’s only fair that I get to watch him fuck you. And we all know what you’re needy fucking moans do to me, so your hand is free so you can be helpful and wank me.” You clenched your thighs together, trying to block out the desire coursing through you so you could work out where Joe was. The mystery was solved when he got onto the foot of the bed, prying your legs apart and shuffling between them. You tried to squirm away as he pinched your bum but it only made him and Ben laugh. “Now, princess,” Joe said, making you twitch as he tapped his fingers against your thigh, “remember you don’t get to cum without our permission.” “I know,” “Good. Wouldn’t want to have to punish you, would we?” “I get the feeling you actually would,” The tapping turned into a slap, “naughty, might have just extended your denial.” You groaned, half in response to his threat, half because of the way it felt when he slid two fingers into you, pausing to let you get your bearings before he began to move them. “So wet, even without Ben getting a proper go at eating you out,” “You can thank me for it anyway. Been wet since she was on her knees.” Ben took your hand, crossing it over your body towards him. You heard him summon a wad of saliva before he drew his tongue along your palm and then led you to his cock. You’d missed him pulling his pants down, or off, too distracted by everything else that was happening.

Your mind whirred with the mix of sensations, trying to focus and to keep abreast of any changes around you. The ticklish fuzzy texture of the cuff around your wrist. Ben’s deep voice near your ear as he called you a good girl between breaths and pleased sighs, the feel of his cock getting harder under your hand and the warmth of having him so close beside you. Joe’s fingers pumping and out of your wet cunt, the stretch, the sound as his speed picked up, his other hand on your thigh, holding you open, slapping you every so often just to make you jolt in shock at the sound and sting of it. You tried to listen for any rustle of clothing or creak of the bed that might warn you what was to come but it was useless, every shift and adjustment taking you by surprise. Your own breath sped up as Joe fingered you, adjusting the angle of his attack to draw whimpers and gasps from you. And then the sudden emptiness as he pulled his hand away. You whined, hoping it’d make him quicker to give you more, but it didn’t work. Instead you listened as he offered his fingers, coated in your arousal, to Ben. Listened as Ben sucked them clean. Felt the wet trail as Joe wiped them across your stomach.

Your breath hitched when you felt Joe slide his cock along your pussy, your hips rising to meet him each time he nudged your clit. You must have looked desperate, judging from the way Joe chucked. He was sick of waiting but he enjoyed teasing you. Entering you slowly, letting you feel every inch of him. It gave you time to adjust to his size while still making you crave more. And then pulling your legs up over his shoulders, changing the angle ever so slightly, making you feel tighter, fuller. “You okay princess?” “Mmhmm, please just move already,” He didn’t need telling twice, holding your legs steady against him as he set a brutal pace. Once Joe sped up so did Ben. He’d kept your movements over his cock slow and steady, not wanting things to escalate too quickly, but at the sight of you writhing under Joe, moaning and panting he couldn’t help himself. He held your wrist still as he thrust up into your hand, taking control. You were glad to let him, too preoccupied with Joe pounding into you, rubbing circles on your clit. Knowing you were trapped between them, being used without knowing if you’d get to feel your own release, only turned you on more. Another thrust from Joe, particularly well timed to coincide with a very firm touch to your clit had you moaning that you were close.” “Hold it,” Joe grunted, relentless in his movements. You nodded, biting your lip, unable to form words that weren’t senseless begging. He didn’t slow down or remove his fingers from you though, and, afraid you wouldn’t be able to hold off unless he removed some of the stimulation he was giving you, you whimpered. “Please Joe, I c-can’t, I can’t,” “Can’t what, slut?” “I need to cum, please, please, please,” You thought for sure that Joe was going to stop touching you, or else you’d fall over the edge without permission, be punished and left without release for weeks. Instead you heard Ben tell you to cum, voice strained as he neared his own climax. You moaned loud as you followed his instruction, back arching off the bed and toes curling. Joe’s grip on your legs tightened as he held off his own orgasm long enough to fuck you through yours, pulling out and coating your stomach in his seed. Ben finished over your hand within seconds, gasping your name.

You were panting when you felt Ben collapse beside you, placing your cum covered hand on your stomach alongside the splatters Joe had left there. Joe stood up and uncuffed you before sagging down on your other side. “You can take the blindfold off, love,” Ben said softly as he snuggled into your side. You blinked at the sudden bright light. The first clear thing you saw was Joe smiling at you, leaning in to kiss your temple. “You okay?” “Yeah, great, just gotta catch my breath a bit,” “Ben, you good?” “Mmhmm. Give me like ten minutes and I’ll be ready to go on,” “Go on?” “Didn’t think that was all you’d get, did you?” “It isn’t?” “Ben’s convinced he wont get a wink of sleep without fucking himself, and consequently us, into exhaustion.” “Besides, you got back to the room really fast,” the blonde mumbled against you, “so if anything you earned a lot more. Like, us eating you out for hours a lot.” You couldn’t help but laugh, as your boys snuggled closer. Perhaps it was the high you were still coming down from, or the giddiness that came from knowing you’d essentially beaten the challenge they set you, or just the warm safety you felt lying between them, but whatever it was you found your heart pounding as you cleared your throat. “Hey, guys?” Both responded in wordless noises to show they were listening. “I love you. Both of you.” Your heart was in your throat, brain automatically trying to spin a way to unsay the words you’d just let slip. Their silence seemed to drag on for a thousand years as you waited breathlessly for their response. Ben moved first, though Joe wasn’t far behind, leaning over to kiss you deeply, saying the words softly back against your lips. Joe pressed a string of kisses along your jaw, kissing you properly once Ben had backed away, smiling as he said it too.

#my writing #ben hardy smut #joe mazzello smut #ben hardy x reader #joe mazzello x reader #ben hardy x reader x joe mazzello #ben hardy imagine #joe mazzello imagine #sorry it's a bit late!!#also long lmao #i wanted to flesh out the relationship #and then suddenly i was 4k words in and hadn't even got to the smut #i just really like writing fun banter and soft boys lmao #halloqueen #halloqueenevent

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inessencedevided · 4 years

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The Untamed, episode 25 - watching notes

This is what i got for Easter. An Egg-cup with a "no drama lama" on it :D I will be completely disregarding it's good advice and keep on watching these dramatic gay bitches

Also, when I told my mum that I'd go and watch another episode of the untamed, she said "ah, the show with the beautiful men". I did not correct her. :D

I got some tissues ready, as to the advice of several people 😅

I love wwx with kids :)

And is that genuine smile I spot there? :')

I love jc's little "what was I supposed to do about it" shrug to wwx :D

Jin Zixuan isn't that terrible (he really did get some growth in during and before the sunshot campaign), but I think I'm rather in line with wwx and jc that just because he's not terrible, doesn't mean he's good enough for Shijie

But then again it is her decision and I'm really glad that wwx and jc don't even try to persuade her in any direction. With his patriarchal this society is structured that seems anything but self-evident

Okay, Jin Zixuan's little outburst of genuine joy at her acceptance is kinda cute

I think we just fast-forwarded to the night hunt

Wwx's excited wave at his sister! 😭

Everyone looks already done with this party before it even really started

Lan Wangji even has his eyes closed at some point, like he's slowly counting down from ten :D

Holy shit! Well, fuck you too!!!

(I know I said I wouldn't curse but this warrants cursing and nothing else!)

Seriously???? They're now using political prisoners as targets in a tournament???

Okay, they're not targets. They're human obstacles before the target. Not much better

Me @ jin Zixuan

Okay sorry, but when that other Jin guy started bragging all I could think was "okay, we get it. Now stop your dick-measuring-contest and do something useful" 😒

I'M SCREAMING! Did wwx just actually asked for lwj's headband in front of everyone??? He might as well have started snogging him right then and there 😂😂😂😂

Lan Wangji doesn't even dignify that with an answer :D

Wwx .... he doesn't even have a bow

Okay, blindfolded

Okay, there's the bow

That was ... so hot

Perfect gif for wwx, btw

I feel this is going to bite him in the ass later, but for now I'm glad to see jin Guangyao and jin Guangshan humiliated :D

Also, lwj microexpressions are everything here 😏

And wwx, looking at him like a little puppy. See, see, see? I performed the trick! 🤩

Lol. Wwx just killed it so much that they just cancelled the whole opening. I feel like it's kind of indicative of his role going forward. A rupture in the system.

I just legit cried when wwx played his flute. Somehow, with forest reminding me a bit of Austria, it made me really homesick for the Alps. :')

Wwx looking so excited for a second to see lwj, but then deflating as he remembers lan Xichen's words is too much. 😥 Sweety, I'm sure he wants to know. You don't have to bear it all alone 😔

Aaaaaaahhhhhhh!!!!!

He wants to share your love song with you and you push him away on purpose you STUPID HERO!!!!

I never want to see that expression on lan Wangji's face again! 😭

I took a screenshot. See what I mean???

He opened up! Lan Wangji, mister stone-faced-and-sturdy opened up!!! And got rejected!!!

Also, with your flirting and the headband line earlier, you're sending really mixed signals here, wwx!!

And wwx regrets it instantly :/

The life-long confidant line 😭 (also, confession, I've seen a post stating that this could also be translated as "soulmate", which... highnhg)

"I still am" *clutches chest*

Please tell me they kiss during this scene in the book!!!! (Actually don't because spoilers, but still ...)

2 minutes of longing staring later ...

Oh Jin Zixuan, you daft idiot 🤦‍♀️ not everything is about you

Not that wwx is making things better right now...

Protective lan Wangji to the rescue!

Oh, I like madame Jin!!!

I appreciate wwx's concern for Yanli, but COULD YOU PLEASE NOT SOEAK FOR YOUR SISTER, SHE HAS HER OWN MOUTH! THANK YOU!

Sorry ... I know he specifically forced the clans to listen to her instead of deciding over her head.

Soooo ... wwx snapped 😬

Wangji and Shijie calming him down gives me all the feels 😭 I hope we see more of them working together. Despite their different personalities I feel they would get along well.

"There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man." Make that woman and apply it to Shijie. That icy anger in her gentle face? You should be terrified

Also, I just wanted to point out that during this 5 minute scene, with several different people speaking, Lan Wangji's eyes haven't left wei Wuxian even once

Yanli: "it's not his fault you can't hunt the prey." Oh SNAP

I'm so proud of Yanli right now :')

Jin Guangyao... at this point I feel a sense if dread when he appears. Though I am interested what he and Lan Xichen were doing alone in the woods

Wait FIVE THOUSAND participants? 😳

Where were they during the opening ceremony? They didn't hire that many extras for sure

Jin Zixuan is about to confess his feelings and immediately starts to get an audience. I love how, in this show, there's no drama without spectators 😂😂😂

I feel almost bad for him

Jiang Cheng is way too late to the party

If these cultivators weren't zo gossipy 90% of the drama of this show could be avoided, I swear

Could you please not listen to them Jiang cheng? 🤦‍♀️

*fist clench of suppressed man-pain*

Wen Qing! My love! 🥺🥺🥺

"I want to bring a man to cloud recess." That's basically lwj confessing he has a boyfriend to his brother, right? Right?

Meanwhile Lan Xichen, internally: finally 🙄

My heart

The tenderness in his voice when he says "bring him back and hide him there."

Lan Wangji must be terrified for wwx at this point. I'm kind of bewildered that all his efforts at this point seem to be centred around wwx. Like, I knew this ship would be intense, but ... whoa

What a beautiful scene to end an episode on :)

Also, to take stock. I did need the tissues, but only once and not during a scene that many people would, I think. I'm bracing myself for the next couple of episodes now

Also, I'm now half-way through the show. I both want to get through it quicker and prolong this experience to make it last longer. What a strange feeling 😅

@sweetlittlevampire @fandom-glazed @elenirlachlagos @allhailthedramallama @luckymoon @kyrrahbird 💚🐇💚

#sophie watches the untamed #the untamed #wei wuxian #wwx #lan wangji #lwj #wangxian #lan xichen #jiang yanli #jiang cheng #jiang siblings #wen qing #jin zixun #jin zixuan #jin guangyao #jin guangshan #jgy

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blackcoffeeandblankpagess · 4 years

Text

Things

Was scrolling through my blog yesterday (because who doesn’t scroll through their own blog?) and realized that I haven’t done a life update/list of random thoughts in awhile and I honestly like to look back at them and be reminded of where I was in life at different times + it’s a good way to flesh out my thoughts

So! I guess we can start with law school-I have heard back from 8 out of 9 schools and I have incredibly mixed feelings, I have only been accepted to two schools, and they were two safeties, I have been waitlisted at FOUR and straight rejected from 2 (will go into more details once I have finalized my decisions). Honestly I feel like the two schools that appear to be my options right now in a weird backwards way really are the best choices (at least for my mental health and happiness) because they are in the locations I prefer by far BUT I have also felt a LOT of stress because the legal field is one that places a LOT of emphasis on where you went to school and it seems like if you aren’t at a T-14 you might as well get out now...it’s ironic because when I was applying to undergrad I was so crazy about wanting to go to the school with the best name and seem impressive and when I first started the law school process I just wanted to go where I would be happy and then I found out how much the name matters and I was like wait what no go back. BUT, the schools I have gotten into have AMAZING programs for my specific field soooo Idk, it’s all a give and a take, yeah they aren’t the most prestigious school in the world but they have incredible opportunities for what I want to do and I think that matters too. I’m going to go visit both of them in the next month or two and I’m excited

^also, like I said, mixed emotions. even though I feel like the schools I got into truly are where I will be happiest, I have been feeling a LOT of disappointment in myself for essentially feeling like I ~failed~ in my quest to get into these other schools. I am a super type A high achiever and honestly the past year has been very out of character for me. Sure on paper I did a ton of cool shit and traveled a lot and now I’m working in an impressive position I suppose but I have just felt...off. Like giving 100% of my effort to something is pointless and I have no desire to, and I don’t like that! that’s not me! at the same time I know the admissions process is literally a game. Half the time schools don’t let you in because they think they are your safety and you’re too good and you won’t actually come so they don’t want to waste their space on you, the other half of the time they really aren’t your safety and they are an amazing school but they know that even if you are good enough to get into them, then you’re probably good enough to get into other amazing schools and again, you won’t actually come. IT IS REDICULOUS. and then of course sometimes you really just aren’t good enough but I am SURE that some of my schools are playing this game which on the one hand makes me feel better about myself because wtf is there for me to do in that situation but on the other hand....WTF.

^^also, also I listened to a podcast months ago that someone here actually recommended about the LSAT and they mentioned how big of a deal your score is in determining if you are admitted to a school or not and I 100% believe it. I think my score is a large part of why I’ve had the outcome I have. And that sucks. Because my score is good enough to get me really, really good scholarships to most schools, but not quite good enough to get me into the best schools. And I want to get into those schools. Also I lost my mind studying for that test and I literally just had a bad day on the test day. I never have test anxiety but at the end of the first section I got overwhelmed and just blew it. And that’s what really kills me. I spent months studying, preparing, devoting SO much time to get a score that was literally exactly the same as what I got on my first practice exam. And it was just because I had a bad day.

But it be like that sometimes I suppose!

Okay anyway....so yeah law school things are almost done and I’m honestly really just excited to know where I will end up...also where jared will end up. So far he has been accepted to 2 PhD programs which is really, really exciting because they are HARD to get into...and I think he will get into more because he is a great candidate. It’s crazy to think that we will be long distance for at least 3, maybe 6 years...it’s crazy to even think that it would be possible to be long distance for 6 years because like wtf. I feel like an idiot even thinking that. But in all honesty we have no idea what could happen and it could be much shorter than that or maybe we aren’t even The Ones for each other but...crossing all of these bridges when we get to them.

Keeping on the subject, living together has been really, really hard if I’m being honest. Sharing a small space with another person...sharing a BEDROOM has been rough because so much of me managing my mental health comes from alone time and having a chance to process things and recharge (also I’m an only child so....alone time). Also, like I’ve said, working at the same place is nice in some ways but it means were are together sooooooooo much of the day (not actually when we are working but on the way to work, way home, never being home really when the other one is at work because we commute together, etc.). It’s been a tough adjustment. I feel like moving in with your partner can be hard and nobody talks about it so hello world here I am talking about it.

but at the same time it sucks because I keep feeling like I Need To Enjoy Every Second Of This Right Now because we are going to be apart for 34234112412424 years

But living together aside, jared is still just as incredible and wonderful and loving as ever and I appreciate him so much

It’s also kinda crazy that we only have like 2 months left here and they are SO busy. I think we only have 4 weekends that we are both here at the same time with no other plans. Because he has 2 grad school visits, I have 2 law school visits, he has to travel for a family event, his parent’s are visiting one week, my mom is visiting one week, etc. And we still have so much to cross off of our california bucket list

That being said I think we might take a few weeks to road trip around the west coast in may because 1. I want to travel a lot this summer and 2. we are here 3. there is so much to see out here and a lot of stuff that I wouldn’t necessarily want to take an entire trip to see in the future but places I would want to spend a day or two visiting

Think: California national parks, OR, WA, vancouver, etc. Depending on where we both end up going to school aka where the car needs to get to we have talked about driving through canada a bit/the northern U.S. (I’m looking at you glacier national park)

But it’s all very up in the air (much like our lives) so we shall see!

Food stuff....idk, I’ve felt stressed just because my anxiety in general has been high and that applies to food because food is part of my life but overall I know I am in a good place, or at least I am continuing the general upward trajectory. I was looking through old food posts on here and realizing so many places where I have come so far even in just a year. A few examples- I honestly love beer and wine (and whiskey) and I enjoy going to breweries or opening a bottle of chilly white wine to have with dinner once in awhile or ordering a fancy cocktail, and I think enjoying alcohol is fun! and normal! and for so long I told myself I didn’t like to drink because I was so scared of the calories in alcohol and how it didn’t have any nutritional value and was a ~waste~ but it is fun and social and often delicious and I don’t stress about it and I enjoy it when I want it and I don’t have it when I don’t! I think college is also just weird because alcohol use is often just about Getting Drunk whereas as you age I feel like you are more often drinking because something sounds good or because it’s a holiday or w/e. Idk it just isn’t as drastic if that makes sense. Other food things that have changed- I used to be so scared of burritos specifically and now I literally eat them all of the time because they are delicious. There are others but this is already so long so I’ll leave ya with those.

Another related food thing- I feel like I used to be so stressed about food because I was terrified of gaining weight (I guess? I don’t even think it was that I think it was just about being in control.. but anyway) but now I feel like most of my food stress just comes from the fear of feeling uncomfortable- i.e. it’s saturday and 3pm but I feel antsy about eating lunch so late because I don’t want to not feel hungry at dinner time. I have SO much more trust in my body and I literally never worry about it changing in a drastic way because....your body does not really want to change in a drastic way unless you are doing something drastic (or it needs to change to be healthy) in the first place

wow who knew I had so much to say I’ve been typing for like 20 mins and don’t feel like I’ve even gotten into the exciting little details but I should probably stop now because SOMEONE is gonna read this and I don’t want your eyes to fall out of your head (or my fingers to fall off)

#personalposts

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mieczyhale · 4 years

Text

a messy explanation of things and unnecessary information about life lately

soooo... right. i’m sorry i haven’t really been around aside from popping in here and there, and that i’ve been taking longer than usual to reply to things / not replying to things at all. it’s NOT that i’m upset with anyone or trying to ignore / avoid anyone, and it’s not that i don’t care / don’t love talking to you (whomstever you may be) i love chatting with y’all and wish i could get myself to reply to things quicker but i do not control the me lmfao honestly my sleep has never had a schedule but in recent weeks it’s kinda been operating like there’s a lil gremlin in my head who spins a wheel and picks my sleeping times at random - and it’s either like.. two hours or most of a day. there hasn’t been a lot of in between so that’s a thing!!

also in a fun added mix of maybe sleep?, missing meds, being stuck in the house more often than not, and the FUCKING EVERYTHING happening in the world right now my mental health is... probably run by the same goblin that runs my sleep schedule lmao consistency whomst?? since the lockdown started the depression has of course been around more but actually, worse than that, is how my anxiety - and by extension: my ocd - have really amped up and i need y’all to know that the struggle is painfully real (and another thing that affects shit like my replies and writing. reading as well. fics have been kinda stressful and that should be illegal. who authorized this?) i don’t hate talking about it but i don’t really like it either?? especially like.. in depth. but i will say there has been crying, screaming, pain!, and i’ve acquired a few physical injuries.

yeah

on a personal level - a ‘just me’ level - shit is an even bigger mess than usual lmao but all these things will get better eventually - they always do.

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

NOW

ON A PERSONAL LEVEL - THE FULL LEVEL - THINGS.... are pretty great actually! i mean aside from the state of my fucking house e__e but Josh has been working from home for two (2) months now and it’s been really nice - people complaining about their partners being home?? can’t relate. yknow what?? i just might love that tall bastard even more from all this.fuck all y’all miserable fucks

we’ve been going out for drives and we’ve gone fishing and the only place i’ve gone too that’s re-opened is goodwill. because i require.. the shop. they do have a masks required rule! (at least at the one here) and, alongside that, the places we’ve gone that never closed (like grocery stores and the gas station and the hardware store) have social distancing rules and stuff in place which i love. can we keep social distancing after this is all over?? more things here in wisconsin are opening up and we might go to some. idk though. we also might not. either way its still a weird kind of exciting to see things opening back up?? even though i do think we’re not totally in the clear because most of our gov. sucks (our mayor tried to extend our stay-at-home order - keyword there is TRIED. we are the land of cheese, cows, and no fucking braincells for anyone)

having pets is obviously not a new thing for me but it’s still a thing. so it takes time and effort and energy and patience and love and a certain disregard for your own safety (claws. they really be as sharp as you think) so... it can be stressful, especially cuz we’ve had to keep them inside more as it gets hot out and something keeps breaking our porch screens (our cats are allowed onto our screened in porch or they can go out in a harness but we will never let them run free outside. fuck that noise) my bbies are all so cute and their personalities and idiosyncrasies are just... *chefs kiss* i love em and they’re definitely a part of what has made quarantine better

i’ve seen my mom a few times, like for my birthday and when she needed help moving Isaiah from one dorm to another and such, but that’s primarily been an option because she has become anti-mask and anti-stay-at-home-order. initially she wasn’t - she gave Isaiah and i fun lil masks since at that time trying to buy them would be impossible and she thought nothing of staying home - but i guess either as its dragged on or as she’s consumed her middle-right wing news that changed s o. she does take social distancing in public very seriously though, so at least there’s that. our favorite coffee shop, where we - pre-lockdown - always went one (1) or two (2) times a week to do art for hours re-opens on monday and that’s one of the few things i’ve truly missed.

josh’s camping trip for this weekend with his friends had to be cancelled because the parks weren’t going to open in time. so today they’re going somewhere to do at least some of the things they would have done if they had gone camping. bikes, bonfires, and cigars. i’m kinda jealous negl but he was really excited about it so mostly i’m happy

trying to figure out how human services was running things during lockdown was rough but thankfully it didn’t take much to get it sorted. mostly because my mom made the phone call i was supposed to lol (the phone anxiety is on its own level) so wednesday afternoon my mom sat with me while i had the appointment with my psychiatrist over speakerphone (which was.. an experience)

ummm.....

OH YEAH! Probably absolutely my favorite thing that’s happened is: WE’RE STARTING THE SEARCH FOR A NEW HOUSE!!!! it doesn’t mean we’re gonna be moving soon or anything, we don’t want to make the same mistake twice (buying the first house you tour that you love) because while it is a great house ultimately it is way too small for us. i mean there’s me and josh, all six cats, and ALL OUR SHIT. listen: i have an entire room dedicated to my various hobbies. and a walk in closet that isn’t big enough. and we both have collections we love and want to display (right now upstairs its hello kitty and downstairs its astronomy and the titanic. and then there’s pop figures, mtg, collectibles, our bottle collection and various knickknacks, etc.) plus all our books! then furniture and cat furniture (i.e towers) and all their shit because they are spoiled babies. and god forbid we ever have a human kid?? yeah. it’s just not big enough.

so we’re gonna take more time with this choice but what we do know is:: we wanna live out in the country (i’m paranoid and don’t like to be looked at and he loves the outdoors, lived on a farm for awhile. i also enjoy the outdoors but mostly since we moved into this house i’ve struggled with doing anything outside... while we only have one neighbor on our road. but there’s one across the road and one at the other side of our backyard and that’s just too much lol)

lets see.. um.... my birthday was may 2nd and that was pretty nice, for a pandemic birthday. there’s been a lot of stuff happening involving josh’s family but that’s not something i really wanna get into on here, tho i will say things have been better in recent weeks and it’s been... really nice. josh and i went to his mom’s house the other night and got drunk with her for fun and i actually had a really good time?? and didn’t complain about going?? that’s kinda unheard of.

i don’t have a job anymore - haven’t since early march-ish - and it kinda sucks but also the universe really did me a solid because my choices were either allow myself to work until i have a mental break again or quit. and i was leaning towards quitting (things had been going down hill with the owner and other employees and just the business as a whole for awhile and there’s a limit to the amount of bullshit i can take thanks) but now it doesn’t seem i have to. why do i think i’m jobless? i was barely working anyway, bc of the snow business was slow, and in march i got really sick and stayed home for a week. the day i was supposed to go back i was still sick, and covid19 was starting to become more of a serious situation everywhere, so josh called in for me and explained that between still being sick and my anxiety over covid (asthma + a not so great immune system) i wasn’t going in that day. i never heard from them again. so.

but it’s all good - there are some options but i’m not looking into them seriously until it’s safe to.

THAT’S ALL OF FUCKING THAT ON THAT

i felt it wouldn’t be a bad idea to come on here and explain A. what’s been going on and B. where i’ve been and C. that if i haven’t responded to you or acknowledged something you sent me / tagged me in it’s literally just because i either forgot to (for all reasons and none) or i don’t have the mental space / energy to. but that doesn’t mean you have to stop talking to me! even if i don’t respond or respond immediately i do read everything and i would die for any one of you fuckers (especially my clowns and the tom hardy movie)

oh! and just btw - sometimes i don’t get notifications (quelle surprise) tumblr and skype should really pair up and talk about their truly great systems that function so well /s 8| ANYWAY: the best and most reliable ways to get my attention are twitter ( @/mieczyhale) and discord (same name) because i have yet to see their notifications fail. ahem.

i feel like i’m missing things / forgetting things but honestly this post is long enough and also enough of a rambley mess that i’m just gonna try and ignore that feeling and carry on with my goddamn day so i might actually accomplish something. sorry if there’s spelling off or missing words. i’m not taking the time to re-read this and might even delete it bc it’s already giving me anxiety bUT WE’LL SEE ALRIGHT HI AND BYE I LOVE YOU GUYS <3

#might delete later?? probably?? havent decided.#maison speaks #tinysquidrachel

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sloshi · 5 years

Text

SasuSaku fanfic

Title: Only Human

Pairing: Sasusaku

Rating: T

Summary: When Naruto challenges him to drinking contest, it's only natural Sasuke doesn't refuse. However... the Uchiha has never been drunk before in his life. And when Sakura opens her door at nearly 3 AM, she certainly gets the surprise of a lifetime. Sasusaku. One-shot.

Recommended reading here (Format is corrected)

It’s said that the Uchiha have always been a slave to their emotions.

And, as it was this very night, the Uchiha in question is no exception to his ancient clan’s unusual curse. It is only natural that Sasuke maintains his lineal blight; a crack in his mask of apathy. He cannot run from something ingrained in his DNA. Cannot expunge what is permanently imprinted upon his heart.

Even if Sasuke buries this truth behind layers of concrete denial...

In the end, he is only human.

And when his fourteenth shot glass hammers down on the sleek bar top, Sasuke gets a glimpse as to what that might actually mean when his thoughts run together in a blurred line and alcohol tries his rationality. Where the only organ left functioning spritely is his heart; where emotion has overridden any sensibility the Uchiha has once possessed.

Sasuke feels warmth. He feels it somersaulting and prancing around in his chest where he is usually dormant. He is not one to let his feelings run by unchecked—never has he been so vulnerable in his passing years as he is now, intoxicated beyond repair.

Yet he is here anyway, perched precariously upon a bar stool that the idiot has dragged him upon just hours earlier, swaying to and fro, feeling as light as a balloon.

It has only been a month since he has stepped back through the gates of his home village. But Naruto is already bringing him trouble. He had challenged him to a drinking contest and, despite that Sasuke has never actually been drunk before, he flatly refuses to let the idiot get the upper hand in anything. Even as grown men. How hard could it be? He had thought arrogantly.

“You’ve... always been m’best friend... loser...” the Uchiha slurs. He slouches to lay his head down upon the cold wooden bar top for a fraction of a moment. Then, he decides he does not like that position and he sits back up, swaying. Sasuke picks up the empty shot glass in his fingers and twirls it in a circular, absent-minded motion, as if he is debating something important.

Naruto howls in laughter, wobbling just as unceremoniously as the raven haired man beside him. He claps Sasuke forcibly, with a little more push than Naruto probably intends in his drunken state, on the back. This causes the tiny glass in his fingers to drop back onto the bar top and shatter. “Ha! I never thought you to be the sentimental type, bastard!”

Sasuke isn’t. But the alcohol distorts his brain and he has no idea what he is saying. The words that spill from his lips are not from his conscious, but from an unfamiliar place inside him. The things he has never been able to say out loud before are tumbling out of his lips without regard. He is making a fool of himself, but in this moment there are no thoughts of repercussion. There is no shame in his confession.

“Shut up,” Sasuke bites back without conviction before he swivels a little to far to his right. Naruto snatches his newly attached left arm, catching his best friend from falling off his seat and onto the floor.

“Whoa—!” Naruto exclaims, a flash of sobriety flickering to life in cerulean eyes with his concern, “Maybe we should call it quits; you look like you’ve had enough.”

Sasuke lashes his arm away from him and out of his grip at once. He sits back up straight, with great effort, and holds onto the bar top to steady himself. “Don’t... touch me,” he snaps, but the threat he wants to be there is lost in his slur. His words are sloppy; laughably meaningless. Mismatched eyes are half-lidded and clouded under sharp raven bangs. His cheeks are flushed red with intoxication. “—‘mm not a light weight like... you.”

The blond only lets out a cackle when Sasuke’s attempt at a serious glare fails miserably.

“Who’s gonna’ clean this mess up?” A deep voice chastises and both Sasuke and Naruto look to the frowning bartender who stands with arms taut across his bulky chest behind the counter. He is referring to the shards of glass that glitter on the bar top.

Sasuke jabs a wobbling, accusing finger at the blond next to him, poking the side of his head. “This idiot.” He proclaims confidently, and then pushes the tip of his finger harder against the blonds skull, nearly tipping the Fox boy off his own seat.

Naruto swats his hand away and struggles to regain his balance. “Hey! What the... hell was that for! An’ I didn’t do that!” He defends boisterously, his own words stringing together incoherently before he hiccups.

The bartender only gives a disappointed shake of his head before sighing, as if this happens every night. He pulls a rag out from behind the counter and scrapes the slivers of glass off and into a garbage can hidden from sight before he attends to another customer.

“‘Mm glad you’re back,” Naruto tells him genuinely when the bartender falls out of earshot, “...was getting lonely around here without someone’s ass to kick.”

Sasuke scoffs and tries to roll his eyes at this, but he ends up just making himself dizzy with the motion. He sets a firm elbow on the counter, sliding his head into in his palm lazily as the blond prattles on.

“But you know who really missed you?” Naruto entertains with a mischievous waggle of his eyebrows. But Sasuke doesn’t, and he gives a heavy shake of his head in his palm, raven tresses swinging back and forth with the motion.

He leans in incrementally, a sly smirk on his lips, and drops his voice to a whisper as if he were about to reveal a dangerous secret, “Sakura-chan,”

Sasuke blinks heavily. The mention of his pink-haired teammate brings forth a flashback and the last memory he has of her plays in his mind.

His index and middle finger tap the purple diamond seal between her pink eyebrows where Itachi has done so many times to his own before.

Her jade eyes glitter with surprise—and something else he cannot name—when she looks up into his own.

“Maybe next time.” He promises.

“Sssakura.” He echoes, the name slurring off his tongue, as if he’s testing out the syllables for the first time. But he says nothing more on the matter.

Naruto nods his head eagerly, “She missed you soooo much.” he explains, shifting to casually mirror Sasuke’s position as he leans into his own palm, “She neverrrr shuts up about you, believe it!” Naruto straightens back up and snaps his fingers rudely at the bartender, earning him a death glare from the man who is mixing a drink on the other end of the bar. “Another round of shots over here, please! The strongest you got!”

“Hn...” Sasuke grunts, but also sits up; he does not refuse when the next round of alcohol is set before him and throws it back with ease. It burns his throat, and he almost gags, but he holds it down in front of Naruto.

The blond wipes his mouth with the back of his hand and lets out an obnoxious sigh of satisfaction when they slam the empty shot glasses down upon the bar top at the same time. Their challenge has been long forgotten.

“Ssspeaking of Sakura-Chan...” Naruto continues dramatically, and turns to his best friend with curious drunken orbs. “Have you been to see her yet?” He finishes with a hiccup.

He hasn’t, but guilt that was not there before strikes him now. “No...” he replies with a terse shake of his head.

Cloudy blue eyes blink in confusion. “Eh?! Why not?”

Sasuke tries to think about that. When he first arrived back in Konoha, there had been a bountiful to-do-list laid before him. First, he had to meet with Kakashi; who seemed delighted in his return, but nevertheless gave him a serious rundown of the all things he had to catch up on in his year of absence.

There had been mountains of paperwork to fill out in order to keep the Uchiha compound from being repossessed, and it had taken days to clean the cobwebs and dirt that had settled inside every nook and cranny of his abandoned home. He restocked his fridge, did piles of forgotten laundry, changed the linens of every bed in the house, and sorted through all of his old belongings.

He met with Tsunade who, after much convincing, patched him up with a new arm despite his protests. That alone had taken weeks of boring hospitalization and overwhelming medical information. He finds himself surprised that Sakura hadn’t sought him out herself, then. He would be lying if he said he hadn’t expected her to waltz in the very hospital room he had stayed in; but she never did.

In short, Sasuke had been kept ‘busy’ all month. Tonight is his first night free of any real task and he figured it wouldn’t hurt to join Naruto in his usual shenanigans. He had simply grown bored with his everyday mundane chores. Nothing more.

“Busy...” Sasuke provides what he believes is the truth, but Naruto only takes it as an empty excuse.

“So you’re tellin’ me,” he says as if he’s personally offended, “you didn’t... have even a second of free time to drop by Sakura-Chan’s apartment?”

Another shake of Sasuke’s head.

“Liar!” Naruto’s fist hammers down on the counter, causing the whole bar top to tremble and Sasuke to startle.

Strangers turn curious faces to his outburst and Sasuke’s red face is no longer related to intoxication alone. “Keep it down, idiot!” He seethes through clenched teeth. “Or you’ll get us both thrown out!”

Naruto crosses his arms with an indignant huff, followed by a hiccup. “I’d like to see them try! Only a dumbass would try and throw out the next Hokage!”

A burly shadow falls over the two drunk friends. “What was that?” The bartender offers a second chance, eyes sparking with challenge.

Naruto blinks, sweat-dropping, and waves his hands defensively, “N-N-Nothing! Nothing at all, sir!”

A smug grunt is the only response they receive before he walks away. Naruto exhales loudly in relief, but stiffens in shock when Sasuke lets out quick, silent huffs of laughter.

“Oi! What’s so funny?!” Naruto demands, giving the raven-haired man a pointed shove, but he catches his arm before Sasuke can tip over again. However, the drunk Uchiha does not seem to be bothered by the action this time, as he is bizarrely preoccupied.

The last shot they had taken settles in and tips him to the point of no return, and Sasuke’s head is anywhere but on earth. It is the final push he needs to be free of any last remaining shred of coherence. He is a stranger Naruto has never seen.

“You—!” Sasuke clutches at his chest, struggling to contain his drunken, uncharacteristic bout of silent laughter, “You’re a... you’re a... and you’re afraid of... of...”

Naruto doesn’t quite understand what his friend is saying, nor does he find what is so funny, but he is too shocked by Sasuke’s strange giggle-fit to say anything at all. It’s super weird, and all he can do is gape at the sight.

And then Naruto is laughing, too—but at Sasuke. It’s funny to see his stone-cold friend unwound and seemingly at ease; Even if Sasuke’s lopsided smirk isn’t quite an actual smile. It’s not a common sight, and Naruto does not pass up the opportunity to watch it unfold.

But when Sasuke catches his breath and his body dangerously teeters left to right; Naruto realizes his friend is clearly way in over his head. His mismatched eyes are all over the place, completely disoriented and unrecognizable. Naruto tries to take pride in the fact that Sasuke can’t hold his alcohol, but it quickly turns to worry when the Uchiha tries speaking and nothing he says makes sense. It’s jumbled noises and broken sentences. It disturbs him greatly.

“Okay...” Naruto says hesitantly and a little uncomfortably, instantly sobering up at the sight of his plastered friend, “I think it’s time to get you home...”

Sasuke snorts in disapproval, waving a dismissive hand and blurts: “‘mm fine, loser... just getting started...”

“Say, Sasuke...” the blond begins uneasily as he stands and pulls out his wallet to pay for their many drinks, “Have you... ever been drunk before?”

“I am’not drunk,” Sasuke scoffs, drawling out his words matter-of-factly, but Naruto knows he is lying and the Uchiha crosses his arms on the bar top, laying his spiked raven head on them. “‘Mm just a little tired...” his body jolts with a quiet hiccup.

Oh, man. Naruto thinks nervously as he observes his near comatose friend. There’s no way he can take care of himself right now.

The blond places a heap of money on the counter before he leans down to try and haul Sasuke’s arm up and over his shoulder. The Uchiha mutters a string of protests, but doesn’t seem to be able to physically fight back. Naruto tries to adjust his friend comfortably against him when they stand, but Sasuke is instantly a dead-weight and Naruto almost topples over.

“Jesus Christ! Just how much do you weigh?!”

“Wha’... are you doing...” Sasuke mumbles, head lolling to the side when Naruto just about drops him. But the blond finally finds his balance and adjusts Sasuke’s arm slung over his shoulder.

“I’m taking you home.” Naruto tells him sternly as if he’s talking to a child, taking slow, careful steps toward the exit. Sasuke’s feet practically drag along the wooden floor.

When they stumble outside, Naruto hopes the cool air will help shake Sasuke’s wits, but it does nothing of the sort. His raven head lolls to the side with every wobbling step they take together.

“S...”

Naruto pauses and looks to his friend who is struggling to lift his head.

“What?” He leans in, straining to hear.

“S... Sa...” he slurs, and Naruto blinks. “Ssakura.”

“Sakura-Chan?” He echoes in bewilderment. “What about her?”

“‘mm... go... house...”

“You want me to take you to Sakura-Chan’s house?” He splutters incredulously.

Sasuke nods precariously, but Naruto does not move. “I don’t think that’s a good idea, Sasuke.”

The Uchiha makes a strained noise, followed by a hiccup. “...now.”

Dammit... Naruto curses inwardly. Sakura-Chan will kill me if I bring Sasuke to her like this... He bites his lip and shutters just thinking about it. But I can’t really drop him off home alone... And Hinata-chan might be uncomfortable if I bring him back to the apartment... He remembers then that Sakura is a medic; she would know exactly how to take care of him. Naruto considers the Uchiha hanging upon his shoulder and sighs in defeat.

“If that’s what you really want...”

There is a slight movement from Sasuke, and he knows it’s a nod.

Here goes nothing...

————————————-

The first thing Sakura is aware of when she is jolted from a deep sleep are the blazing red numbers of her alarm clock that reads 2:47 AM, and the desperate pounding of her front door downstairs.

She is on her feet immediately; there is an emergency. Someone is hurt or dying—she is prepared to be on call at all times. She curses when she throws open her bedroom door, not bothering to throw a jacket on over her white spaghetti-strapped tank top, and takes three steps at a time down the stairs until she jumps off and clambers to her front door, ready to answer the medic who stands in wait just outside.

Sakura nearly chokes in relief when the door flys open and reveals two of her closest friends side by side on her porch. But there is something terribly wrong; her relief is shattered when she notices that something with Sasuke is not right. His unconscious body hangs limply off Naruto’s side.

“Sasuke-kun!” She nearly screams in horror, assuming the worst immediately. He is dying, or he is already dead. Every second that ticks by is a chance she loses to save him. She reaches out to him instantly, but is taken aback when the blond grins sheepishly and she second guesses herself.

“Surprise!” Naruto says half-heartedly. “I brought you a present.”

Sakura sputters in disbelief and looks as if she has been slapped. “What the—what the hell? Is Sasuke-kun okay? Is he hurt?”

“Oh, he’s fine.” Naruto assures despite that he looks anything but. He adjusts Sasuke on his shoulders when he groans quietly, “Remind me to never go out drinking with him again. Can you believe Sasuke of all people can’t handle his liquor, I mean—“

But Sakura is already taking the Uchiha out of his arms. They switch him over awkwardly and Sasuke almost falls onto his face before Sakura catches him. His sudden weight startles her and she squeaks when he nearly pulls her to the ground with him. She quickly taps into her chakra and holds him steady. Their difference in height makes it a little difficult to adjust, but she is successful when she finally decides to turn around and hoist Sasuke high upon her back. When her hands hook under his knees and his hands hang limp over her shoulders, piggybacked, she unleashes her fury upon the blond.

“Do you have any idea what time it is?!” She screeches in a whisper as to not wake the man on her back, and his sudden warm sigh against her ear makes her shudder, and then she scrunches her nose when the smell of hard liquor hits her nostrils. “You idiot! What the hell is wrong with you!”

Naruto scratches the back of his neck sheepishly. “S-Sorry, Sakura-Chan... but the bastard asked to come here.”

She freezes in her next insult to blink. “You—what?”

“He asked me to take him to your house, so I did.”

Sakura is silent for a moment as she considers the weight of this. Sasuke... wanted to come to her house? But why? It’s a bizarre idea to accept, especially since he hadn’t even bothered to see her in the entire month he’s been home. And now he just wants to be dumped at her doorstep? This better not be a joke! Or someone’s gonna pay! CHA!

When Sasuke mumbles quietly in her ear, she stiffens. She has no idea how to handle this; she has yet to even process what is happening. But the minute Naruto steps off her porch and leaves them alone, Sakura panics. Sasuke is drunk and sitting on her back like a giant sleeping child.

Slowly, as not to wake him, she creeps back into the house, shutting the door as quietly as possible with her foot. It clicks loudly and she flinches, but Sasuke only grumbles incoherently in her ear. A sigh of relief escapes her. His body jumps with silent hiccups. But now she is faced with another trying task: to lay him down without the risk of waking him.

That is, if he’s even sleeping. He seems to be, but the way he keeps slurring things in her ear tells her he’s just disoriented and teetering on the edge of unconsciousness. She knows he needs water. Carefully, she makes her way into the living room where she turns around and tries to lower the sleeping giant onto the cushions, but the position is awkward and she falls straight into his lap.

She feels him startle beneath her, jolted awake by the unexpected weight on his thighs and she squeaks in surprise, jumping to her feet and twirling around to face what she assumes will be wrath.

But he blinks up at her groggily, as if he’s not quite sure she’s there or not.

“...Sakura?” He slurs softly, the confusion saturating his deep voice.

“Y-Yup,” she laughs nervously, wringing her hands, “it’s just me.”

Way to go, idiot! Inner Sakura screeches at herself. Get a grip!

“Wha’... what are you... doing here?”

She blinks before supplying uneasily, “You’re... you’re in my house.”

It’s then that it seems to hit him where he is, because he sits up straighter and a little alarmed. “But... Naruto—?”

“—dropped you off here.”

However, he doesn’t seem to understand, or comprehend the absurdity of the situation because he relaxes his shoulders and simply replies, “Aa...”

As if it were perfectly fine he was sitting under her roof and wasted in her living room...

There is an awkward silence on Sakura’s part, and she fidgets where she stands. Perhaps he really is that drunk? She wonders what his blood alcohol level is, and she knows it must be high.

“I—I’ll go get you some water...”

Before he has a chance to reply, she skitters into the kitchen and throws open the cupboard, grabbing the first glass she sees and runs it under the tap. The cup trembles in her hand as it fills to the brim, and she can’t help but dread what Sasuke will do when he wakes up tomorrow and finds out he has slept in her house. She hasn’t spoken to him in over a year; she hasn’t seen him in over a year. And now he’s just—he’s just suddenly going to casually crash on her couch?! Unbelievable! Oops!—She turns off the tap when she realizes the cup is over flowing.

She pivots around and screams, the glass plunging to the tiled floor and exploding into a million pieces when a large, wobbly looming figure stands directly behind her in the door way.

“S-Sasuke-kun!” She breathes in horror. “You scared the hell—” she chokes on her words when he advances toward her. She quickly gains her bearings when she realizes where he’s about to step. “Wait—Sasuke-kun, there’s glass everywhere!”

She herself is barefoot, and she tries to step over the mess to stop him but yelps when she feels a shard puncture her heel.

“Ouch!” She hobbles over to him, trying to shove him out of the kitchen and back into the other room, but it’s as if she’s pushing against a brick wall. “Sasuke-kun! Please—you need to lie down and—!”

She freezes when a large hand is pressed on top of her head. She blinks before she looks up and meets half-lidded mismatched eyes. Her heart hammers like a drum within her chest and suddenly she cannot breathe.

“I—“ he starts, but his eyebrows furrow in what she assumes is pained confusion, “I do not... feel so well.”

“That’s because you’re drunk!” She snaps, and she can feel blood seeping from her barefoot and onto the cold floor. “Now, go lay down!” She demands as if she’s talking to an ornery dog rather than a grown man. He stares blankly down at her, wholly unaffected by her reprimand. Anger bubbles dangerously within her. What, has he suddenly become deaf, too?!

Just when she thought he wasn’t going to acknowledge her at all, he nods once, and then turns to stumble back down the hallway to the living room—a hand following along the wall no doubt trying to keep himself upright. Sakura’s chest heaves with apprehension and something else, but she doesn’t allow herself to linger on the feeling. She has a mess to clean up, a foot to heal, and a drunken man she loves, to take care of.

A heavy, frustrated sigh escapes her lips as she turns around to clean up the broken glass and huge puddle of water, but a distinct ‘thump!’ has her bristling in place. Without a second thought, she scrambles—hopping on her injured foot—towards the living room only to find Sasuke flat on his face in the middle of it, clearly unsuccessful in making his way to the couch.

“Ugh! Sasuke-kun!” She is pulling at her pink stresses. “What the hell did you even drink!”

There is a muffled sound and Sakura realizes with baffled amusement that he has actually responded to her, face down in the carpet. She makes her way over to his side, ignoring the shooting pain in her heel, and kneels next to him, gently pressing a hand to the Uchiha crest on his back.

“Sasuke-kun...” she murmurs sadly, crest-fallen at his terrible state.

Naruto’s gonna pay for this! Inner Sakura erupts in flames, cracking her knuckles, For both making Sasuke miserable and ruining our reunion!

This was not how she expected her first meeting with him would go at all! She sighs and shakes her head in disappointment; it can’t be helped. Her hand slides up from between his shoulder blades into his silky raven hair where she slowly caresses his scalp. She is surprised when he lets out a quiet grunt, and she’s not sure if it’s because of her hand in his hair or because she’s said his name.

“You can’t stay here on the floor.” She whispers, fingers still gently playing in his inky tresses. “We have to get you on the couch.”

He doesn’t move and Sakura understands with great resentment that she must drag him there herself. She musters up all of her courage and leans over him, tapping into her super human strength as she hauls him upright by the arm and slings it over her shoulder. She carefully guides him to the couch where she is finally able to lay him down. She kneels in front of him and the Uchiha turns his head marginally towards her, mismatched orbs barely open and blinking heavily.

Sakura hesitantly reaches to his face, laying a gentle hand on his flushed cheek before lightly brushing away the bangs that make it hard to see his eyes. “Are you okay?” She asks quietly, though her gentle voice is amplified in the heavy silence.

He doesn’t nod, or reply. He just stares.

...

And stares.

...

And stares.

The only sound in the air is their unsteady breathing, and Sakura thinks she might go crazy if he doesn’t stop looking at her like that.

She gets up to stand and leave, “I—I’ll go get you a pillow and blank—“

She turns to move, only to freeze when a firm hand snatches her wrist—as swift as a striking cobra. Electric spiders shoot up her arm at his touch, and the air punches from her lungs. Slowly, as if she’s afraid of what she might find when she does, she turns to look over her shoulder and down at him. His expression is unreadable; blank as a canvas. There is nothing to indicate what he is thinking, and she is left baffled by his bold and confusing gesture.

“Sasuke... kun?” She breathes in astonishment, unsure jade eyes flickering to his unyielding hold on her wrist. “What are you d—?”

“You—“ he interjects abruptly, and then stops as if he’s hesitating. “Why... haven’t you... “ he struggles here, but finds the words he’s so desperately looking for when he finally chokes, “...come to see me?”

Sakura’s world stops. As if someone pesky has stolen the remote and presses pause at the most crucial part of a scene. Everything is at a standstill. Even Inner Sakura is shocked into silence. She is sure her eyes are wide and her jaw has slackened, but she cannot get her body to respond.

Did Sasuke... just... just ask her...

“Sakura?” He slurs uneasily, and its here that her world resumes and she starts to breathe again. She has to remind herself that Sasuke is not coherent. That he has no idea what he’s saying—or if he’ll even remember tonight at all. It would take hours before he was even sober again. She can see the fog in his questioning eyes. He is still highly intoxicated; drunk.

Yet, despite all of this, the gravity of his inquiry hits her like a brick.

Because, in order to ask something like that drunk, he had to be thinking it soberly in the first place.

So... What did that mean? Was he bothered by her absence? Was he hurt by it? Had... had he been waiting for her all this time? Sakura always assumed Sasuke would come see her when he saw it fit; assumed that his schedule would only allow for him to decide when to take action. Assumed that, perhaps, in the end, he just didn’t want to see her after all.

But he is here, wondering why she had not come to see him.

And she is speechless.

“I—“ The words die on her lips. She finds there is nothing she can say, because now she’s internally asking herself the same question.

Why hasn’t she gone to see him?

Sasuke has been the man she loved her whole life. And yet, even after his long awaited return, she never made a move to put herself in his path. Sakura genuinely believed that he had his hands tied; that important tasks had to be dealt with first and foremost, and that when he was finished he would be on her doorstep, ready to talk. She had not wanted to be in his way. Did not want to bother him in his homecoming adjustment. She had been patient. She wanted him to come to her, just this once.

And oh, how the fates have granted her wish in the most unfortunate fashion.

“I don’t know.” She squeaks nervously, and cannot meet his half-lidded eyes.

After a tense silence, the magnetic pull of his gaze draws her reluctantly back to his face; jade eyes finally dare to meet mismatched ones, and she thinks his eyebrows furrow marginally in hurt, but when she blinks it’s gone.

“I... see.”

His hand drops from her wrist and it’s as if she’s lost her anchor—she floats to the surface where she finally draws a breath she has not realized she has been holding. The feeling is strange now that his warmth is gone, and leaves something like the ghost of a burn where his slender fingers held tight. This time, he does not stop her when she walks away.

Hobbling up the stairs, she reaches into the hallway closet and gathers a heap of bedding in her arms. She hopes it’s enough to keep him comfortable, but there is no telling if he’ll even fall asleep. With her luck, he’ll be causing her trouble until the break of dawn.

Hopping carefully with her injured foot back down the stairs, she stiffens the moment she re-enters the living room and Sasuke is sitting upright.

A weak smile is all she can muster. “S-Sasuke-kun, you should lay down.”

He doesn’t, of course, and she sighs. She drapes the soft blanket over his shoulders like a cape, pulling it snuggly around his chest and sets the pillow down behind him, waiting for him to speak—or do anything to show he’s acknowledged her.

But he doesn’t do that, either.

His gaze is unfocused; unseeing over her shoulder back toward the hallway. It’s as if he’s in a trance, spellbound. His body sways slightly, a testament to the many drinks he has consumed. And when his lips finally part, she is genuinely startled by the choked plea that falls from his lips, shattering the heavy silence.

“Why?”

It’s a single word, but it bleeds with a wound far beyond what her eyes can see. Her chest tightens at the sound. She knows exactly what he’s asking, and when he finally meets her gaze, prickling tears blur her vision. Mismatched eyes are pained, as if he’s been betrayed by something unspoken or an action left undone. Sakura understands now with frightening clarity that she has hurt him in some, small way. The ice buries itself in her gut, twisting and clawing at her insides with bitter regret. She has genuinely hurt Sasuke. The idea surprises as much as it confuses her.

“Sasuke-kun...” she whispers, but her voice is broken. Her throat is dry, and she swallows the bitterness in her mouth thickly. The hot tears are threatening to spill. She is coming undone in front of him. But nothing could have prepared her for what happens next.

“...!” His eyes widen abruptly when the Uchiha clamps a firm hand over his mouth.

And Sakura knows exactly what’s about to happen.

Oh, know you don’t! Inner Sakura shrieks with a shake of her fist.

Instinctively, she summons her super-strength, scoops the grown man into her arms in—you guessed it: bridal style, and screams: “Shan-naro!” As she heaves him with all of her might into her arms. She bolts across the hallway and gallops up the stairs as fast as her feet can take her.

The second she crashes into the tiny bathroom, she stumbles forward and loses her footing in her haste. Sasuke is thrown from her arms and his spiked raven head smacks the hard tile the same time her pink head hits his broad chest.

“Umph!”

However, there is no time to worry or express her apology because she is instantly—roughly—thrown backwards and onto her back when Sasuke shoves her off so hard that for a terrifying moment, she thinks he is going to attack her. But to her surprise, he clambers desperately across the floor to the pristine toilet basin where he retches violently.

Oh.

Sakura winces at the sound, but not from disgust. As a medic, she has grown desensitized to bodily fluids and it takes way more than measly vomit to turn her insides. She winces at his misery; his entire body shakes with each gag. There is an overwhelming urge to comfort him, so she carefully crawls over to his hunched form and places a gentle hand between his shoulder blades where she rubs small, soothing circles upon his back.

“It’ll be okay, Sasuke-kun,” she coos softly, “I’m so sorry.” And it’s not just this particular situation she’s sorry for. “What were you thinking, drinking so much? It’s not like you to be so... so... irresponsible...” Sasuke isn’t exactly the first person who comes to mind with that word, and she cannot believe she’s even saying it. It strikes her with disbelief: she’s reprimanding Sasuke Uchiha. Scolding him, like a disobedient child.

For the first time in her life, she is angry with him. Her hand drops from his back and she has to curl it into a fist to keep from smacking him over the head. As if it’s Naruto sitting in front of her rather than the almighty Uchiha prodigy.

The Uchiha in question gives a final retch, spits, and then lifts his head when his hands fall away from the basin and he sits back on his palms, chest heaving. His tortured expression tugs at her heart and Sakura sighs, replacing her hand on his back and resumes the circular motion she hopes is comforting.

“Feel better?” After freeing his stomach of all that alcohol, she’s sure he does. However, it looks as if sobriety isn’t coming to him anytime soon. In short, Sasuke is still wasted.

“...” he pants, mismatched eyes half-lidded and heavy with exhaustion.

“Here...” she stands up to close the toilet lid and flushes the contents before she makes her way to the bathroom sink, where she opens the mirrored medicine cabinet. “I don’t have an extra toothbrush or anything, but...” She plucks the oblong see-through bottle off the shelf, swishing the light blue liquid around. “This should help.”

She kneels next to him on the tile and offers him the mouthwash, only to choke when he takes it from her hands and throws it back like it’s a water bottle, gulping the contents.

“What the—Sasuke-kun, no!” She screeches in horror, ripping the bottle from his hands and spilling the blue liquid all over the place. “This is mouthwash! Not—not a drink!”

Sasuke is genuinely startled but it doesn’t seem to register what he’s just done. He blinks at her innocently.

Has he lost his mind?!

“You—!” Her lips flounder in shock, torn between disbelief and awe at what he has just done and the clueless expression on his face that is maddeningly adorable. She shakes her head, “J-Just... never mind.”

She takes his hand to try and help him to his feet—he snatches it away from her, “‘mm fine.” He grumbles, but he is far from it. “...I don’t... need... your help.”

Sakura’s hands are stern on her hips. “Like hell you do!” She reaches out to reclaim his hand but he pulls it away. Anger roars to life; the medic inside her is on his case instantly, “Don’t you dare catch an attitude with me when you’re the one who did this to yourself in the first place! You’re a mess! But I’m not just going to sit here while you puke your guts out and fall all over the place! I’m not going to let you hurt yourself just because you’re stubborn! So shut up, and let me help you!”

“...no.”

Her eye twitches.

She reaches for him a final time, but when he promptly smacks her hand away, something inside of her snaps.

She bristles and her hands ball into angry fists. Oh, hell no! Inner Sakura shrieks. “Fine.” She bites out, “If you’re so confident that you don’t need my help, prove it. Stand up.” And she herself gets to her feet, crossing her arms. He glares up at her, and when he doesn’t move, she taunts: “Well, go on then. Stand up.”

Slowly, carefully, he places both hands on the toilet lid and tries to heave his body upward unsteadily. It’s almost too embarrassing to watch. When he is finally on both feet—albeit swaying dangerously—he smirks triumphantly down at her. He teeters back and forth, and Sakura knows he’s going to lose his balance at any given moment and she almost hopes he will: Maybe he’ll learn his lesson! CHA!

He wobbles backwards and forwards, and then it finally happens.

“...!” Mismatched eyes widen when he tips a little too far backwards. Sakura reaches out a hand, but before she can do anything to stop it, Sasuke grabs onto it desperately and she’s pulled down with him. They both topple backwards into the bathtub behind him—the pink shower curtain, along with the metal rod, comes raining down upon them and swallows their tangled form. Sasuke’s arms move instinctively; they are tight and protective around her, as if the sound of the falling plastic around them had scared him into thinking something far worse was falling on them.

Sakura’s heart thunders mercilessly, and with her ear pressed tightly against his chest, she can hear his heart pounding in sync with her own.

It is deathly silent. Sasuke’s warm, minty breath puffs heavily against the top of her head and she is too terrified to move. The air punches from her lungs when his arms instinctively clench around her in response to a loud clatter that shatters the silence and echos in the claustrophobic space. A shampoo bottle, she realizes but barely registers. The only thing she can comprehend is the thundering of Sasuke’s heart beneath her ear. It’s racing, and something screams at her that it isn’t from anxiety alone.

It’s here that she dares to look up at him, and when she does it’s clear that he is shaken. His wide mismatched eyes meet hers in pure horror. And if that wasn’t enough to sober him up, the fact that she was on top of him, encircled in his arms, awkwardly straddling his hips, inches from his face, probably was.

She swallows thickly.

“Are... are you okay?” The tips of their noses are millimeters from touching.

“...yes.” His hot breath fans her lips.

Everything about this small moment is amplified. He is beautiful, and she is reminded that it has been a year since she’s last seen him. His one obsidian eye is flecked grey, no longer flat black in her close proximity. His lashes are full and a smidgen longer than they once were. Longer, sharp, raven bangs fall over his still-widened eyes, stopping just short the tip of his aristocratic nose. She inhales, and he smells of mint and a touch of alcohol, but his natural scent is there. He smells of sandalwood; the burning of a campfire on a late summers evening. She is reminded of how much she had missed him.

She is reminded of how much she loves him.

Sasuke stares back at her silently. She can tell by the look in his eyes that he is still not quite sober, but is the closest he will get to it until he sleeps it off. His lips part, as if to say something, but they close and he says nothing at all.

“I’m sorry.” She breathes, breaking the heavy silence, and she feels him startle lightly at her sudden words. “I shouldn’t have egged you on like that. It’s just—all I wanted to do was help you, and you made me so mad and—“

“Sakura.”

“—I should have come to see you. I didn’t even know you wanted to see me, I had no idea; honest! I mean, I missed you so much and asked about you and how you were doing—“

“Sakura.”

“—and it sounded like you had a lot on your plate and I didn’t want to annoy you or—or—bother you in any way because I figured if you wanted to see me, you would just come find me and—“

“Sakura.”

She blinks, pausing in her nervous ramble to finally pay him attention. His mismatched eyes are soft around the edges, contradicting the snap of his voice.

“I...” he swallows, as if his next words are hard to say. And then he rips it off like a bandaid. “...missed... you, too.”

Everything Sakura had left to say vanishes out the window. Just like that, her mind is blank. She blinks—once, twice, thrice. Had she heard him correctly? “W-what?”

“...You heard me the first time.”

“I—“ She has no idea what to say. But then she is left confused. “Then... how come you didn’t come to see me?”

He promptly looks away from her, turning his face toward the bathtub nozzle. He is silent, and Sakura doesn’t expect him to respond, but when he does, she gapes in disbelief.

“I waited.”

Huh? Inner Sakura works quickly to figure out what he means by this, but she comes up empty-handed and is left bewildered.

“For... for what?” She asks, mentally ripping her hair out in suspense. Just get on with it already! For what! “Sasuke-kun!” When he doesn’t answer, she shimmies out of his arms and playfully smacks his chest. “Answer me!”

He narrows his eyes at her, clearly not appreciative of the gesture, but turns his head back to her in response.

“Out of curiosity.” He supplies plainly, but Sakura knows that’s not the real answer. She frowns at his stubborn ego.

“Out of... curiosity? That’s it?” She tries not to let the lie get to her, but the tears are already prickling in her eyes. Perhaps... she was wrong and it was not a lie after all. “So, my feelings are just... entertainment for you?”

His eyes widen marginally at her accusation, the realization of what he has just unintentionally implied hitting him like a slap to the face, but before he has the chance to fix his mistake, she is climbing off of him and steps out of the bathtub.

“Sakura—“ he reaches out a desperate hand to stop her, but she’s already heading towards the door.

“Save it.” She pauses in the doorway, but doesn’t look back at him. “I’ll call Naruto to get you home safely. The next time you decide to get hammered, make sure you end up at the right place. I hope this was entertainment enough for you.” And then she is gone.

‘I hope this was entertainment enough for you.’

He blinks in astonishment. The alcohol still swims through his veins, but the only thing he can feel is the talons of regret clawing at his insides. He has no idea how it all went sideways so fast. Her words are venom, and they sting far more than he expects. He struggles to climb out of the bathtub and untangle himself from the shower curtain, but the room spins and the curtain wraps around his ankle the second he tries to stand and he falls forward. The ache in the back of his head from his earlier fall pulses. He feels sick again, but there is nothing left for his stomach to expel. The bathroom tile is cold and sobering against his cheek; he closes his eyes and wills to stop the world from spinning around him. But it doesn’t. It’s as if he is prisoner to a merry-go-round and his punisher will show him no such mercy.

Stop. He pleads silently. And there, helpless and abandoned on Sakura’s bathroom floor, he decides he will never touch alcohol again. He has made a fool of himself. And, as snippets of the night’s earlier events flicker unbidden behind his eyelids, he cringes in mortification. He remembers falling flat on his face in the living room, and her slender fingers in his hair.

‘You can’t stay here on the floor.’

He remembers Sakura carrying him on her back and up the stairs when he had just about threw up everywhere. He remembers her gentle hand on his back, her soft words. He remembers latching onto her wrist and asking why she hadn’t come to see him. He remembers the broken look in her tearful emerald eyes.

‘I don’t know.’

‘I... see.’

And when he opens his eyes, they immediately take note of the tiny red smudges upon the white tile that lead to the doorway. Blood. And then he remembers the explosion of shattered glass.

‘Wait—Sasuke-kun, there’s glass everywhere!’

Her pained expression, her genuine concern that he would step on the shards and in turn hurt herself instead. Why? Why did he ask the idiot to bring him to her house? More importantly, why did the idiot listen when he was clearly in no state of mind to be making decisions!

Sakura had probably been peacefully sleeping in bed before Naruto dumped him at her doorstep. Before he made a mess of her night. Before he placed such an unnecessary, heavy burden on her shoulders.

Embarrassment. Shame. Guilt.

All at once. Sasuke Uchiha wishes the floor would swallow him up. But it doesn’t, and the gravity of reality holds him to the floor. He has to fix it. Sakura’s last words ring in his ears, deafening him. And then his own.

‘Out of curiosity.’

He scoffs at himself. Just what the hell made him say that? Sure he had been curious—way more curious than he’d ever admit to himself—as to when and if she would come to see him, but it was definitely not out of amusement. Sasuke doesn’t play with people’s feelings. And he sure as hell isn’t getting a kick out of Sakura’s. No. He waited because... because...

He blinks, unable to finish the thought. Because...? It’s here that Sasuke is confused. He doesn’t realize that he has waited—subconsciously avoided her—all this time because he is scared of facing Sakura after everything he’s done. His pride would never allow such a thought. Sasuke Uchiha isn’t scared of anything. But in the end, he is only human. He had been scared that over time, she would change her mind, and that she would not forgive him. Scared that she would look at him with the same disdainful eyes everyone else did. He was a traitor; a criminal. He has held her bare throat in his hands and has tried to run a Chidori straight through the very heart that loved him.

Scared, because he knows he does not deserve to be forgiven.

And scared, because she knows this, too.

Instead, Sasuke settles on believing he has waited because it isn’t his business what she does. Or who she decides to see. Or whatever she decides to do in her free time. He doesn’t care that she hasn’t come to see him. Just... a little surprised. But when she had rambled in his arms only minutes ago, saying she had missed him, that she had asked about his absence, that she had truly just respected his space, relief overwhelmed him. He had released an internal breath he never knew he was holding. It flooded his chest with warmth. Filled him to the brim with reassurance. Of course Sakura still loves him.

He clenches his teeth. Now look what he’s done! He’s ruined any chance of a normal reunion, and he hates himself for it. The room spins continuously, but this time Sasuke is determined not to let the alcohol win. He clambers to his feet, using the wall next to him for support, and takes a minute to steady himself. Okay. One step at a time. Carefully, he places one foot in front of the other, creeping across the bathroom as if he’s crossing a cliff’s ledge over great heights. He has to make it to Sakura before she can call Naruto. He has to make things right. He is dizzy, he stumbles, his eyes fall in and out of focus, but he does not stop.

When he reaches the doorway, he clings to the doorframe and leans out, looking left and right. Where had she gone? He stops and listens carefully. Just barely, he can make out the sound of tinkering glass, and he knows she’s in the kitchen cleaning the mess that is his fault. He frowns. Not because he has found her, but because she is downstairs. As in, he will have to make it down a flight of perilous steps without breaking his neck. However, his determination does not waver and he steps out into the hall.

Gripping the wooden railing, he braces himself. The steps are steep, and as he looks down at them, it’s as if the bottom is miles away. One foot. Another. He steps down painfully slow, and the step creaks under his weight. He stops and listens for any sign that would indicate that she’s heard him, but the shuffling of glass and a wrinkle of a trash bag eases his nerves. Good. He wants to prove to her that he is not a burden. That even drunk, he is perfectly capable of handling himself. Another step. As his confidence grows, he lets go of the railing. Perhaps, if he just showed her his effort in making it down to her, she’d see that her feelings for him were far more than just entertainment. Perhaps, if he—

His foot misses the next step.

“F—!” Is the only sound he can manage before he is tumbling painfully down her steps.

When he lands, it’s hard and damning. His face slams into the floorboard with a sickening crunch and he knows he has surely broken his nose. The air is still with a finality that has him closing his eyes in defeat. And when he hears her hurried footfalls careening down the hallway’s wooden floorboards and ever closer, he wants to disappear forever.

“Sasuke-kun!” She is screaming, half out of her mind with worry.

But it’s the last sound that rings in his ears before he slips unconscious.

————————————-

Sakura nearly goes into cardiac arrest when she discovers the Uchiha still as stone at the stairs landing. Her heart hammers like a war-drum in her ears, and she doesn’t know what to check first. She collapses to her knees next to him and takes note of the slight expansion of his rib cage—but just because he is breathing doesn’t mean something else isn’t broken. He is on his front, and so she carefully flips him over; only to squeak in fright at the crimson liquid that trickles from his nose.

“What the hell were you thinking, idiot!” She cries despite not being heard. “You could have snapped your neck! I can’t bring back the dead!” Her chest tightens at the very idea and any reason she has justified to herself abandoning him in the bathroom, melts into regret. She should have never let him out of her sight. He had seemed like he was almost sober when she left him last!

Well, you were clearly wrong! Inner Sakura berates angrily. Now look what you did!

Tears spill over the palm that covers her mouth. “I’m so sorry, Sasuke-kun!”

After a thorough check of the unconscious Uchiha, she heals his broken nose and sprained wrist. He is lucky. She hauls him into her arms and carries him to the living room couch where she lays his head on the pillow and pulls the blanket to his chin.

He looks adorable, but she can’t stop the tears from rolling down her face to appreciate his sleeping expression. She kneels at his side and lays her head upon his chest. It rises and falls slowly.

“You... jerk.” She mumbles as she turns to face him. He remains undisturbed, peaceful in his drunken slumber. “I...”

Little does Sakura know, Sasuke has been conscious since the moment she had picked him up off the floor. The movement had stirred him awake, but he did not dare open his eyes to face her. He pretends to sleep, holding on to every word she breathes.

“I wish you had just come to see me; even once. But no. You just had to make it a big deal. You’re a such a drama queen.”

Sasuke has to physically hold back a quiet snort of laughter. His breath hitches, but she doesn’t seem to notice.

“But... You’ve always hated me, haven’t you?” He has to refrain from frowning. “You say you miss me, but do you really? Naruto says you never ask about me. The ‘next time’ that you promised me before you left never came. Was that a lie, too?” Sasuke wants to shake his head, but remains deadly still. “Are you a liar, Sasuke-kun?” She sighs and he feels the warmth on his chest. “You never seem to want me around. You say I’m annoying, but what does that even mean? Why are you really here tonight? You hurt me over... and over.”

Sasuke is uncomfortable. He now feels as if he is intruding on something he most definitely should not be hearing. But he can’t back out now. He can’t find the will to stop her, and he realizes with horror that he wants to know more. She shifts.

“And yet...” the weight disappears off of his chest. And when she speaks next, the proximity of her voice nearly startles him. Her warm breath is on his face, as if she’s merely inches away. His heart picks up the pace and he doesn’t know whether it’s from fear or anticipation. But nothing could have prepared him for what she says next:

“I’m so in love with you.”

His heart drops. As if he is free falling. The shock that shoots through his body at her words is both exhilarating and terrifying; his eyes snap open. He sits straight up, nearly head butting her, and instantly, she screams and falls backward onto her elbows, where she scrambles farther away. “S-Sasuke-kun! I—I thought—!”

“Sakura.”

She looks at him as if he’s the most terrifying thing she’s ever seen. He wants to smirk at her reaction, but the weight of her words sit heavy on his heart and he can do nothing but stare.

“Is that true.”

Her lips flounder and she looks as if she has seen a ghost. When the shock finally fades from her face, he sees that her cheeks are stained pink. Her lips lift in a wide, almost cheeky, grin and it fills him with bliss. She scoots closer until she’s kneeling beside him once more. Her expression is shy, and her eyes are everywhere but his face. His heart thunders mercilessly.

“Sakura?”

She isn’t looking at him. “Yes.”

“Yes what?”

Her eyes meet his.

“I love you, Sasuke-kun.”

“...!” His eyes widen. Sakura’s confession is bold, but its spoken with such conviction that his mind double takes. As if it goes without question. As if there was never a doubt in the first place. It was firm. Real.

She really loves him. Even after everything he’s done. Even after the trouble he’s put her through tonight. Even after he’s broken her heart so many times.

“I—“ he is winded. His chest heaves with an unknown emotion and he is unprepared. He is scared.

Scared, because his heart won’t stop pounding.

Scared, because he realizes with frightening clarity that he just might love her, too.

Any last lingering effect from the alcohol is gone. He is stone-cold sober.

The world behind her fades away, and there is nothing left but her glittering eyes. She is startlingly beautiful in this moment. She leans in slowly, carefully. He knows what she’s going to do, but he can’t move. His heart thuds in his ears. Her face inches ever closer, and a sheen of moisture sits pretty on her lower lip. He can’t take his eyes off it. And just when he leans down to close the gap—

Bam! Bam! Bam!

They freeze in place, eyes wide, their lips a mere whisper apart. A very familiar voice shouts from outside the house.

“Sakura-Chan! Sakura-Chan!” Naruto’s fist slams upon her front door and it echos in the silence of her house. “Hinata-chan said it was probably a bad idea to leave the bastard here! Bring him out, I’ll take him back home! Sakura-Chan! Saku—!”

She rips the door open, bristling with anger, flames in her eyes, and Naruto immediately shrinks in fear. “H-Hey! W-What’s—?”

She promptly smacks him over the head. “Beat it, idiot! Sasuke-kun is sleeping and if you wake him, there will be hell to pay!” Inner Sakura is already pushing up her sleeves.

Naruto throws his hands up defensively and immediately backs down and off her porch. “L-Loud and clear, Sakura-chan!” And then he scurries off down the road and disappears. She breathes a sigh of relief, but the second she closes the door behind her, she squeaks when she is pressed back against the wooden slab.

“Sleeping, huh?” Sasuke smirks, and Sakura bites her lip nervously. He presses a hand against the door just next to her ear, and cocks his head marginally to the side in amusement. “...Are you a liar, Sakura?” He mimics her earlier words.

This seems to snap her from her trance, because she’s defensive immediately. “Hey! You weren’t even supposed to—“

He dips his head down to meet her lips—

Only for him to change direction in the last second, falling past her head, meeting the wooden door slab face to face as a dizzy spell claims his conscious. He groans before collapsing to her shoulder and falls sideways and onto the floorboards with a ‘thud!’ before she can react.

“Sasuke-kun!” She squeaks, kneeling at his side immediately. “Are you okay!”

She shakes his shoulders insistently, but when a light snore drifts to her ears she freezes, and then deflates with disappointment. Sasuke is fast asleep.

You’ve got to be kidding! Just when he... he was just about to... Inner Sakura cradles her knees to her chest, mourning the loss of her first kiss with the Uchiha.

She sighs heavily, hauling Sasuke into her arms for the last time and lays him gently on the couch, hovering just above his peaceful face. She studies him, lingering on his just slightly parted lips. His cheeks are still flushed, so Sakura slides a palm under his raven bangs to feel his forehead. No fever, she confirms with relief. The alcohol must have finally got to him. She starts to pull her hand away, but her fingers trail down to his high cheek bone where they sit hesitantly. Sasuke had really been about to kiss her.

She melts into a wide smile at the thought. Leaning in, she brings her other palm to his face, cradling his sleeping attractive features. Slowly, carefully, she presses soft lips against his.

Sakura wants to laugh at the absurdity of the entire night; at the great Uchiha falling on his face, tumbling down the steps, falling into a tub, drinking mouthwash... but she can’t help but only love him more. Because, as it seems, the Uchiha is not always the perfect prodigy; his mask slips every once in a while, just like everyone else. Sasuke Uchiha makes silly mistakes, just like everyone else. Sasuke Uchiha can be reckless, just like everyone else.

And, as Sakura inches back from his lips to admire his undisturbed expression, she realizes with a giggle that Sasuke Uchiha is, after all, only human.

FIN.

#sasusaku #sasuke x sakura #fanfiction #drunk #headcanon #naruto #prosasusaku #ff.net #fan fiction

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sheusedtobesassier · 4 years

Text

Day 10,158

Mm, it’s the final evening of the year and I think this may turn out to be a particularly sad one. New Year’s Eve is my favorite holiday, you know? Well maybe you don’t know actually. I cannot help but love the mix of being wildly sentimental and anxious/hopeful, feeling extra aware of the year that has gone and the anticipation of what could happen in the one beginning. Glitter and tiny dresses and sparkling grape juice and a big countdown chant and Midnight Kisses and feeling included in something huge almost the whole world is celebrating. Mm and it’s really such a soft celebration with no required fuss. You just gather with anybody you want to gather with and together enjoy the annual grand finale of the years passing by. It’s meaningful and meaningless, lol. A simple and sweet thing that can also be very sparkly. We do it over and over and over and over our whole lives long. Young and old. Mm. How could I resist?

Tonight’s will be sad but that’s okay. That’s another reason I’m fond of this one. It doesn’t deny sadness. It doesn’t expect or demand the way other holidays on the calendar do. It leaves room for being lonely and solemn, for regrets and grief. Mm and tonight I will get very comfortable in that space. I will wallow a little, not too deep, but far enough in that I can write honestly, get some of it out of me so it can be read in nice straight lines, in a way that’ll feel less chaotic, less tangled up. I decided I would let me do it tonight for two reasons. First, because of the magical way NYE makes me feel which I’ve already described to you. Second, because this morning I woke up from a painfully vivid dream that was so convincing it somehow dislodged whatever has been preventing me from being able to articulate these things. I let dreams get to me, maybe more than other people do and this one did the trick. I’ll tell you about it and I’ll tell you about two other ones that might help you understand even better.

There was a pile of us. Maybe eight or ten people sprawled all around on a white couch. The room we were in was white on white on white and one of the walls was just giant windows, like as if we were in a skyscraper. Everybody was wearing jewel tones and color blocking. There wasn’t anybody specific there, but there was the sense they were our friends and we were all getting snug for the sake of a group photo that was going to be taken. Cuddling in and little laughing at one another, you know what it’s like. Omar was further away than I thought he should be so I kind of tugged him in closer when I realized he was miserable crying. Like red eyes, in tears but clearly had been trying to keep it low key. I asked what was wrong and he didn’t want to say. Others noticed and it got quiet. Mm, I can’t quite remember this part but like, I started to get upset and said that we could go if he wanted to go. Ally was suddenly there and was saying she could give us a ride and buy him a ticket? I was angry and Omar was quietly resisting saying, “It’s fine. Let’s stay. You’re gonna be mad.” or something along those lines. I growl snapped back loud enough for everyone to hear. “No, I’ll be fine, because I actually have some control over how I feel!” I was so furious though. I do not remember anything past that.

Towards the beginning of the summer Omar came to camp, he was serving breakfast and I came through the line. He stopped me before I walked out and told me he’d had a nightmare about me the night before. We weren’t really buddies yet, so the comment caught me off guard, his admission in this public space that he dreamed about me. A very sudden intimacy. He said that in the dream I’d been extremely angry and refused to talk to him, how he kept begging me to tell him what was wrong or what he had done and I wouldn’t even look at him. While he told me he seemed so earnest, like it had really bothered him. I laughed and started walking away. I think I tried to say something charming about wondering what he could have possibly done. He stood there shaking his head and shrugging his shoulders, looking concerned.

One of the first times Omar went home after we knew we were into each other, I had one of the wildest/most specific dreams ever. It began with just me standing in the foyer of the Platteville church. I knew I was at a wedding. As I walked into the empty sanctuary I realized it was my own wedding. I promptly started to panic and, in the dream, had this feeling of like, “Wait? How did this happen so quickly? I don’t remember planning this or even deciding to do this? How do I stop this?” I went through a doorway which in real life leads into a very short hallway, but instead it was a large room full of all the women on both sides of our families. My mom and my aunts and a whole heck of a lot of Hispanic women I do not know. I got this sense that all these women had put the wedding together, not me, and that I needed to clear things up now because otherwise I was going to be stuck with a wedding I had nothing to do with. So I started explaining and trying to convince them I didn’t want it to be like that. Saying I was so grateful but this was not at all what I had imagined. I honestly do not remember the speech but do remember feeling like it wasn’t clicking. They were misunderstanding. I felt like I was freaking these people out AND like I was possibly still going to get bulldozed into this anyways. The women (both the white ladies and the Mexican ladies) were all yelling at each other, not ugly fighting, really just trying to organize a wedding. So I went over to a corner where (hahaha this is just accurate okay) Mama Coco was silently sitting in her wheelchair. Like, the animated great grandmother from Coco, more realistic looking but still very much that sweet old lady. I sat down in her lap and watched the discussion carry on without me, feeling like a child. Sat there tracing and picking at the beaded details on my wedding gown’s skirt while the women shouted. I looked up and discovered that from where we were sitting, I could see out onto the stage of the church. Omar and the pastor (I don’t know who the pastor was) were standing there in their suits chatting, looked like they were kidding around and having a nice time. I remember feeling just the BIGGEST sense of relief and thinking, “Omar won’t care that I don’t want to marry him today. Everybody else is gonna be upset at me, but he’s gonna be so nice to me about it.”

Three dreams that would be doozies for almost anybody but wham bam, y’all, lol, for a girl like me these seem an awful lot like prophecies. Oof. Can you see it in there? All the significance? Holy shmoly. It hits and then you get back up and then it hits again. Yikes.

Look. I want things from Omar that he could give me, but when he had to make that decision he chose not to. What I want does not seem like too much to me, but it is more than he is willing to give me. That which he did give me (he is still giving some) he gave soooo sincerely. He gives in the most honest way, which turns out is the only way I can receive anything. And so I’m soooo thankful for what he’s given, but it is not enough. He tried and he still tries and I am heavy with gratitude for the effort he made because I know it wasn’t easy, But It Is Not Enough. I wish it was, but deep down I know it isn’t.

I can remember a night we filled up my whole apartment with an explosion of tension that had gone unspoken. I lost my temper and began angrily expressing how painful it was to feel such deep uncertainty about us staying together. He calmly refuted parts of my attack, but I think was pretty disturbed by my escalating rage. He wasn’t leaving no matter how harsh I got. At one point I coldly told him there was no reason for him to stay and he stayed anyways. After what felt like hours, we were sitting far across the room from each other and I was staring at him waiting for him to finally fucking say something useful. I was so furious and he was so silent. I had stubbornly backed into my corner and decided I wasn’t going to come out of it until he gave me a reason to. He looked helpless. Staring at the floor. Every once in a while he would seem like he had something to say but then nothing would come out. I don’t know how long it took, but my heart softened. I realized I’d been cruel and took notice of how resilient he was being, so I crossed the room to be gentle with him, hoping that it would help him speak. He started crying which I could not have anticipated. I rubbed his back and kept prompting him, softly asking “What?” and “Tell me.” Finally, he choked something like this out. “I’m trying. I’m trying to sit here right now and just choose to be here and give you what you want. I’m trying to make the decision, to tell you I can give you what you’re asking for. But I can’t do it. I can’t make me do it. I’m sorry.” He said it so strained, so in pain. I tried to be comforting and made a few small speeches about how I never wanted him to force himself and I didn’t expect him to make the final decision that night and how even if he wanted to he probably couldn’t because life is so different than what we decide it should be. I apologized for the horrible things I’d said earlier. We both became more rational and began to have a reasonable discussion. We calmed each other down. We snuggled in. The anger and confusion passed so we could get so so close again.***

He tried so damn hard to be my someone. He was my someone for as long as he could be, before the whole rest of it became too unbearable for him. During the last real conversation we had about what him leaving would look like, he told me, “We’ve said all along that if you are the only reason I’m here then I shouldn’t be here.” And he’s right. We did say that. Fuck, I’m the one that said that first. I should have told him that no longer applied though. I should have stopped him and said, “Yeah but that was before we were in love. It’s all different now that we’re in love.” I didn’t say that though. I don’t think I said anything because I think he was still talking and it’s rude to interrupt. I didn’t think about how it’s all different until way later, until after he had already left. If I’d thought about it sooner than that, maybe we could have had another conversation, a better Last Real Conversation with an alternate ending, a better ending. But. I didn’t think about it sooner. We can’t really have a conversation about what him leaving would look like when he’s already left.

One of the most startling parts of breaking up has been being unable to escape the INCREDIBLY PERVASIVE MESSAGE that like, hm, how to put it, the message that IF YOU LOVE SOMEBODY NOTHING ELSE MATTERS. Lol. Yeah that’s how to put it. That if you love somebody and they love you too than that it is the Purest, the Goodest, the Highest Endeavor in the known universe (hell in the unknown universe too). That love is STRONG AS FUCK and will make it through EVERY BAD THING. You cannot get rid of love even if you try. Love never ever gives up, no way, it won’t do it, just lasts and lasts. Oh and the relentless warning that if you give up on love then that is the Biggest Mistake Of Your Life. Like. Whew. Y’all. Look. Frankly, the widespread love gospel is working on me. I am not giving into my fearfulness that tells me to protect myself from him now that we’ve broken up. I do believe I should still keep my heart open to Omar and I do not fight the frequent urges to hold onto what’s left of us. I softly reach out. I don’t let the fire flicker out. (Wow. Damn. Getting campfires going together was kind of one of our things actually.) But if it turns out I’m being told a big fancy romantic lie that prevents me from participating in some reasonable big girl independent healing process that I should be seeking out, THAT’S PRETTY BOGUS OF Y’ALL. If I sort out that I need to fall out of love, will I be able to do so without being consumed by the worry that I’m turning off all the lights in my heart and might not ever be able to turn them back on again?

I need to talk to more people who loved somebody who loved them too and they didn’t pick each other forever and it didn’t ruin their lives. Because. I mean I’m not talking to anybody who’s life was actually ruined because of something like that. No, I’m talking to deeply married people who seem to believe that if they hadn’t married each other it would have ruined their lives. (Now I say this with a heart full of appreciation for the married people who have been attempting to take care of me by using the context of their love stories to provide advice regarding mine. Bunch of sweet baby angels. Thankful.) The overwhelming narrative, at least within my realm, is that I have lost something I should try to get back. That’s what it seems like to me at least. I’ll confess, maybe that’s what my own heart is drawn to so I’m perceiving it more than it’s actually out there. Maybe.

Either way though, the current strongest pulls I feel are to continue to amuse him and to secretly long for us to get back together. There are of course other pulls, to pour myself entirely into ministry, to push him away a little and see if he will fight for me, to cut him out completely and focus on healing, to flirt with the creeps on Tinder and Bumble, to tell my friends either the most hopeful version or the weepy saddest version or angry accusation version of how the last two years went, to disappear into my bed as frequently as possible and not let any part of anything touch me, to write him paragraphs every morning admitting everything, to squash the whole thing, to completely succumb to the horrible ways heartbreak feels and allow the loss to fuck up my life completely. And those are just what’s pulling at me tonight, lol. There are dozens of pulls to this. Hundreds. So many that it rips me up and won’t let me listen to music because none of it means anything to me and won’t let me eat or sleep (seriously, my appetite has dried up and this has pulverized my god given talent for being asleep) and has me googling words like “anesthetize” so I can accurately describe that which I currently crave. Yeah it’s fucked with my vocabulary.

Mm, today though. Today I couldn’t help but notice how much easier it is for me to be kind. I think I lost that with Omar for a while. Inadvertently. He’s so cool and so particular. I think I mimicked that some, toned down my enthusiasm or maybe more so I directed it mostly towards him. I think every kitchen shift was for flirting with him, whispering around corners and knocking into each other. Every afternoon break was for kissing or taking a nap together which of course turned into kissing. I’ve been a starry eyed girl for years, but I think I let him become the whole moon and forgot about the stars in everybody else’s eyes too. I can see them again and they can see mine. It’s nice to look at the stars again. Beautiful sight.

I miss how the sky mattered to him. The colors or the way the light would pass through trees. Oh it would thrill him. He’d call me up and tell me to come see. We’d both shriek on sunset drives. Cheering the spectacle on. Mm, we were the same in that. It mattered to him like it matters to me. We were suckers for the ways we reminded each other of ourselves. Reflection. It wasn’t even imitation. We were both so true, dammit. We had carefully cultivated who we were and what we cared about. I think we recognized that in each other. Mm. God, I love him and I miss him in a hungry way.

I wish I had been a good enough reason to stay, even if I was the only reason and it was stupid and it ended up being a huge mistake. I wish I had been. I was good enough until I wasn’t.

God, I miss him.

“Are you being fearful or loving?”

***Last minute addition. Thinking about how some might read that part and think, “Wait so why didn’t you just break up then? He couldn’t give you what you wanted.” I get how that could be your takeaway. It wasn’t mine. Nah. From then on, I felt like Omar truly wanted to give me what I wanted, but that he wasn’t going to do that until he was sure that it was the right thing. So. That’s the sincerity I mentioned. I love that Omar really really means the things he says and the things he does. He’s not interested in faking anything. I knew that I was waiting around for him to decide to be with me and stay OR to break up with me and go. And I was okay with that waiting, okay with either outcome, because I believed whatever he decided he’d do with resolution. His head AND his heart would be involved, two things I trusted more than almost anything. I didn’t trust them to automatically choose me. I trusted that they would get him to do what he thoroughly believed was right. Mm. So. That’s what hurts. That his head AND his heart told him the right thing was something other than the two of us together. (My own head and heart told me otherwise and I trust them a heck of a lot too, so the three of us are having a tough time.)

#personal

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