#i dont usually like sharing my struggles with people but i felt i had to make this for some reason

[ohdeerfully]

hi!! i absolutely love your writing, you write alastor so so well and i absolutely devoured everything you have posted... would you by any chance be open to writing alastor with a f!reader who has an eating disorder/anorexia? <3 it's a triggering topic so i totally understand if you'd rather not! 💖 i've just recently been stressed about feeling like i need to lose weight again despite already having lost quite a lot and it just feels. never enough, so i would much appreciate some comfort! thank you for sharing your writing with us! 💖

hi my love!! i know you requested this some time ago, and i hope youve been feeling better (,: i also struggle with this type of thing so i 100% dont mind writing about it, but just know that you are super beautiful and worth every sweet treat and meal you get!!! mwah mwah mwah i hope you like the story ^.^

Ma Moitié

Alastor x Reader (fluff/comfort)

TW: eating disorder!!! alastor is def OOC hes being a sweetie pie join my discord!

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You always had a poor relationship with your body and food, in life and in death. You went through periods of weight loss, gain, loss again—some seemingly never ending cycle that no amount of therapy has managed to halt.

Your mind was currently weighing the pros and cons of eating the slice of cake offered to you by Charlie. She was celebrating the arrival of a few new residents, the first to arrive since the last extermination. The news really helped the hotel garner some attention, that plus the fancy new renovation Lucifer himself helped with… needless to say, Charlie was thrilled. So, she threw a little party. You had been standing awkwardly near the doorway, trying to find an opportunity to slip away from the small party. But you doubted you could escape without your absence being noticed; there really weren't that many people here to begin with.

You had accepted the cake out of sheer politeness, but you now just held the plate loosely in your hands, chewing on the inside of your cheek as you thought. You’ve been feeling particularly… susceptible to the calories in food lately. You considered the fact that you hadn’t eaten much today—or, honestly, the whole week for that matter. It shouldn’t hurt to just have one slice of cake. Just this once.

But… still… 

You frowned down at the cake. Picking up the plastic fork, you took a tiny chunk from it and lifted it to your lips. Your lips quivered as the food touched your tongue, and you felt sick as you chewed. You managed to swallow after an unnecessarily long few seconds of chewing, and you continued to just stare down at your plate. You didn’t think you’d be able to handle another bite.

Niffty had seen the sickly expression on your face, and loudly started throwing questions at you. Were you sick? Did you hate the party? Why didn’t you like the cake she made? Her loud voice was growing in volume, and catching the attention of a few other demons in the room. You tried various ways to shush her, attempting to answer her questions politely, but you felt your heart rate pick up at the obviously growing number of eyes.

“I’m not incredibly fond of sweets myself,” You heard that radio-afflicted voice pipe up from behind. You couldn’t help but jump at the unexpected presence, but you turned your head with a light smile. Alastor was looking curiously down at Niffty and you. 

“Ah, yeah, the cake’s great, I just… don’t like dessert that much…” You lied. You actually really liked cake, but it had been a long time since you were actually able to enjoy it without feeling intensely guilty about it. The tiny demon made a fussy comment about how nobody appreciated her and all of her hard work, stomping away. Her mood didn’t last, though, immediately getting caught up in cleaning something you couldn’t even see. 

You turned your head to thank Alastor, but you saw his smile drop slightly as he looked at you. The demon bent at the waist to lean down, his mouth near your ear and his usually boisterous voice quieted to a whisper. “Is everything alright, mon coeur?”

You felt your face heat up, both at the words he spoke and the proximity. You and Alastor had been quietly ‘official’ for quite a while now, but you weren’t sure if you’d ever get used to the small gestures of affection from the Radio Demon. It felt weird if you thought about it too long.

“I’m okay, just…” You weren’t sure how open you wanted to be about how you were feeling. Alastor knew about your poor body image and eating habits, but he truthfully never really knew how to go about comforting you. Plus, you felt as if your personal struggles were trivial to a literal Overlord of Hell. You didn’t want to bother him with your own shit.

“I’m fine,” You finally decided. You could tell Alastor knew you were lying, with that furrow of his eyebrows, but he stood up straight and didn’t push. You sighed and gently placed the plate of cake down on a small entryway table by the door you had been lurking near.

“I’ll get us out of here,” He declared with a wide smile, and he strode forward to where Charlie stood talking to the group of new guests. She knew Alastor was approaching due to the look of horror that slowly crossed the new demon’s faces. You couldn’t quite hear what they were saying, but it looked like she briefly scolded Alastor for being so damn intimidating for no reason.

They chatted for a moment, and you could hear the Radio Demon’s obnoxious laughter from across the room. He gestured to himself, then to you, to which Charlie looked in your direction. You shot her a small smile. She smiled back, nodded, and turned away to continue talking to the new residents—who all had been slowly inching away from Alastor. They looked incredibly relieved when he left the group.

He gave you a grin and wordlessly threaded his arm around yours, linking you at the elbow. You lifted your hand to give his upper arm an appreciative squeeze as you left the room. Your eyes lingered on the abandoned slice of cake as you walked away, feeling guilty in more ways than one.

Alastor had led you to your room, releasing your arm and leaning his body weight on his cane as he looked down at you. You glanced up at him, then back down, pursing your lips as you stared at anything else in the room.

“I hate when demons lie to me,” He said, eyes narrowed. Of course, you knew he wasn’t truly mad at you. Maybe frustrated. “What’s wrong.” It was more like a statement than a question. A demand.

You sat heavily down on the edge of your bed, fiddling with your fingers. 

“I don’t know, Al,” You muttered. You hated this. “I just… You know how I get sometimes.” It somehow felt so silly, telling him about this. 

Alastor had sat down next to you, his arm wrapped over your shoulder and a clawed hand rubbing up and down your forearm. You could tell his touch was light, awkward, unsure—but the gesture was appreciated nonetheless. While Alastor typically had no problem overstepping boundaries and shoving demons around purely to aggravate them, he obviously had no real idea how to be intimate and kind. But he tried for you.

He took his other hand and slipped it under your legs, swiftly lifting you and pulling you further up the bed. He leaned his body against the headboard, and dragged you over to lay your torso against his own.

“I don’t understand why you worry about all this, dear,” He mused, his fingers threading through your hair. His other hand graced past your stomach, which caused you to subconsciously flinch away. You felt his hand pause, but he didn’t mention it.

“I wish I didn’t have to,” You responded slowly, your cheek squished against his chest. “But I’ve dealt with this since I was alive. I feel like it’ll never get better.”

“Dearest, you have a whole eternity here,” He mused in response. He placed a finger under your chin and craned your head to meet his gaze. “You need to be strong to survive down here; to stay sane. A healthy body leads to a healthy mind.”

Of course Alastor was always thinking about strength and survival. He was an Overlord, after all. You didn’t respond to him, but you kept looking at him as he spoke. There was an odd look in his eyes as he talked.

“Plus,” He continues. His words were slow, and his mouth moved as if the words tasted unnatural on his tongue. This uncertainty that touched the Radio Demon’s voice was… rare, to say the least. “I want to see ma moitié happy. I am… incredibly devoted to you.”

Your ear pricked when you noticed the radio frequency in his voice completely dropped when he spoke the words. That look in his eyes—you finally recognized it as some odd sense of passion and endearment. An emotion that you could tell confused him, with the strain in his brow as he examined you. He meant the words he said, no matter how unnatural they felt leaving his mouth.

You rested your head back down on his chest. You knew this conversation wouldn’t “cure” you or anything, but you hoped that maybe you could think back on his words everytime your hands shook as you held a fork to your mouth. Of all demons in Hell, Alastor’s opinion was probably the most important to you, and you knew his devotion wouldn’t halt because of a few pounds; Alastor had to be deeply, deeply passionate about you to even let you lay on top of him like this.

You only hummed in response, and simply rested your head back against his chest. You hugged your arm tightly against him to try to convey that you appreciated his words, but you didn’t really know what to say.

“Would you join me for breakfast tomorrow?” Alastor asked after a few minutes of comfortable silence. “I know this wonderful place that I frequent for coffee…” 

You thought for a moment, again weighing the pros and cons; a habit that you struggled to drop when it came to meals. Your mind was buzzing with thoughts of what kind of food might be there, and if you should ration out the meals for the rest of the day. But, you felt the thoughts melt away when Alastor’s hand rubbed a comforting circle against your cheek, and then trailing down towards your shoulder in a light squeeze.

“Okay,” you finally said. It wouldn’t hurt to have a decent meal for once. You pulled yourself up onto your elbows again to look at Alastor. “Sounds awesome.”

His smile twisted up, his teeth peeking through a small gap in his lips. His head inched forward, but then paused, and you could tell his mind was racing with various thoughts. You waited for him to decide and, after a few moments, he closed the gap and lightly pressed his lips against yours. It was brief, as most intimate contact with him was, but you enjoyed it while it lasted.

“You will always be my only weakness,” Alastor admitted tenderly. “The most captivating demon in all of Hell.”

You couldn’t stop the shy smile that spread across your face at his words. You sputtered out some awkward response, to which he simply hummed and smiled at. He closed his eyes and rested his head back against the headboard, his fingers still playing with your hair gently.

You followed suit, resting your head against his chest and closing your own eyes. You didn’t even realize how tired you were, too caught up in the rare intimacy with Alastor. You let your worries of breakfast fade away, choosing to just enjoy the warmth of his body so close to yours.

#ohdeerfully #alastor #alastor x reader #hazbin hotel #hazbin hotel x reader #alastor hazbin hotel #fluff #comfort #eating disorder #TW: eating disorder #TW: disordered eating #disordered eating

[jasperyourmutt]

hi everyone <3

I have a bit of a life update. To make a long story short, last week I was diagnosed with PTSD. I have been having a... very hard time coming to terms with that. For most of my life I believed I just had a bad anxiety disorder, but I am now realizing that is unfortunately not the case. The past couple months I have been in a near constant state of fight or flight, fear, panic, whatever you want to call it- without really realizing it. and man. it has been exhausting, mentally, physically, spiritually. I just thought it was normal to feel like this all the time. i assumed everyone felt like this. my therapist has helped me realize I am in a lot of pain right now and it is not normal. so. the good news is that there is an intensive trauma therapy that I will be doing for the next couple months that is going to really help me recover. i love and trust my therapist with my whole heart. there is a light at the end of the tunnel. i am finally getting the help i need. so. unfortunately I am going to step away from tumblr for a bit. i dont really want to do this, i love being on here. i love interacting with all the friends i've made here. kink has become a very important and healing part of my life. but it is just a little too much for me at the moment. I'm not sure when I will return, could be a couple weeks, a couple months. I'll return when I feel right. I feel like this may be a little odd to share here, but it's important to me to acknowledge and share that I have been having a really hard time. i tend to downplay when i'm in pain. i feel like people usually don't care about me (i know this is very very much not the case. im trying to convince my brain of that too.) its really hard for me to tell people when i am struggling, especially in my real life. so i am taking baby steps and starting here. so, until I return- chase your tails for me, roll in the grass, bark at the squirrels. take care of yourselves. if you are struggling, know youre loved. get the help you need. i will be curling up in my dog bed and taking a nap in the sun. ruff ruff. wag wag. much love to all of you.

#agh personal posts. i know this is mainly a dogboy kink blog and some people will not care. but this is my blog and i will share what i want #i am safe and okay. i am just.. struggling to accept that i am very very sick right now. i was raised to just push that shit way down. #im done doing that. i am going to have to feel all the pain to heal it. nervous but excited. ready but hesitant. #anyways. hi. i love what this blog has done for me. for what this community has done for me. i will be back. you cant get rid of me! #will be keeping an eye out for messages for the next couple days. but this post is mainly to give myself permission to take a step back. #its weird. i feel obligated to post here and am feeling guilty for putting myself first. but thats the trauma i guess! #anyways anyways anyways. if youve read all of this i love you. thank you for listening. see you soon. #jasperbarks

[hetaherr]

the moon as our witness

: wanderer/ scaramouche x reader

: i dont know how to tag this, maybe fluff? crack?? angst

hey this is my writing practice because i struggle with the flow of my writing, especially like pacing and stuff so it's pretty bad imo TT but it's practice so its allg ig. this is very experimental , and i feel a little outta my element because i lowkey am hella informal with the way i write and IM JUST REALLY NOT USED TO IT???? anyway thanks for reading and if u have any advice please drop them! ok anyway reblog to win ur 5050s love u

watching the scene lay out in front of you was the very embodiment of your doomsday, it was the nearest thing to an apocalypse you'd ever seen- to your world of course. it felt like you were spiraling, you felt so asphyxiated as you watched him press himself against that- that bitch as if you didn't even exist. and almost as if the world was solely out to get you tonight, cigarettes after sex just had to start playing. like seriously, was catching your boyfriend cheat on you not gutting enough as it is, you did not need a song to tell you when to 'cry'.

pushing through the sea of people transitioning from jumping up and down to swaying with their partners was absolutely suffocating. in any other circumstance, the crowd would've been just right- like the calm ocean after a storm. but at this very moment, it felt like you were drowning, being dragged into the abysmal nothing that was the deep blue sea.

with a slam of the door, you found yourself rescued by the crisp night air. barely making it a few steps, you crumble by the side of the road. it feels like tonight the tears stung even worse than usual, you can't scream, you can't wail, your throat is all clawed up and drowning feels like it's becoming a lot more literal than metaphorical at this moment.

through your tears, the faint echo of music can be heard, and a soft clink sounds beside you.

"i think you need this more than me." he says, you cant see him clearly through the tears that still continue to pour. you look down and there's a glass bottle of whatever everyone's been drinking tonight.

"i don't drink."

"you look like you should." he comments, you can only scoff at the remark. he takes a seat beside you, a bottle in hand. he hesitates a second, but you don't tell him to bug off. there's a soft silence that comes with his presence, neither of you talk- unless you consider crying to be talking. it feels so pathetic, you can't understand what you could've done to be tossed aside so easily. but the more you think about it, the harder it becomes to contain your emotions.

"ah fuck this." you mumble, reaching out to take a swig of liquid courage. you hiss as it leaves a burning sensation down your throat, flushing your tears away leaving behind a bitter taste. the boy, shifts his gaze toward you- his head resting on his knees, hair framing his face so nicely and it feels a little unfair how fucking pretty he is.

"so much for not drinking." he says, his face is blank but there's a teasing notion to his words and just the way he was looking at you. you let him stare, violet eyes burning into your skin you feel like it's going to leave an imprint. you look back at him, under the warm glow of the street lamp. as you share the gaze, there's a feeling of guilt that has been set aflame within the pits of your heart, after all you still hadn't broken up with that jackass.

you unconsciously continue to stare at the boy, pondering. should you just break up with him through text? should you storm in and scream? should you even make a scene? maybe ghost him?

"a penny for your thoughts?" he speaks up, words so gentle it makes your heart flutter and it feels like the guilt burns worse than the alcohol.

"do you want to help me break up with my cheating boyfriend?" you think out loud. you watch his eyebrows furrow, and for a second you wonder if you made him uncomfortable. he blinks at you, and then slightly shrugs.

"sure."

within seconds, the chilly breeze outside is replaced with the smell of sweat, cigs and alcohol. it's disgusting. the boy takes your hand and lets you guide him through the horde of horny and drunk people that were either passed out or making out. you are reminded of why you didn't frequent these parties. the floor is sticky and you just hope whatever it is you just stepped on was not human fluids. and then you see him, sprawled across the couch with the same girl sitting way too close to be considered 'just friends'. with a smile so smug, that made you glad god gave you patience and not strength.

"that's him?" noticing your hesitance to move forward, the boy follows your gaze. the tears are already threatening to spill yet again, anymore and you fear the headache that follows. and yet your feet don't move, all the courage that that brown bottle clearly gave you wasn't strong enough. you barely hear his words, it feels like your body is moving on it's own as you nod. you hear the boy sigh, his hands gently grab your wrist and pulls you behind his frame. you're not able to react before he speaks up, this time his voice is a lot more harsh.

"yo asshole." he shouts, his hand still gripping onto yours, though it is a lot tighter than before. it startles people around you, and just like all humans and their natural desire to fulfil their curiosity, heads turn toward your direction. you can't even process the next few seconds, as he grabs the bottle out of your hand and pours whatever was remaining of the now warm booze down all over the cunt that sat before you.

"maybe think twice before cheating dickwad" he can't contain his laughter as he looks your now ex, up and down, eyes full of judgement. you look horrified, looking between the boy and your ex, noticing the rage building up as he spits a variety of cuss words. you can't suppress your own laughter, albeit the fact that it's slightly laced with fear- fear that your new friend would get punch right in the nose. so your feet decide it's time to get the fuck out of here, and you pull him out the door running so fast your gym teacher wouldn't have believed it was you.

there's another wave of silence as the both of you were bent over trying to catch your breath, everything that happened tonight was unpredictable and didn't feel real. you took a peek at the boy, he seemed to have the same thought as you catch his gaze. the silence is finally broken as you start laughing, like a maniac you couldn't stop your giggles. you are glad that there is no one else around to see your fit of laughter. there is still that redness and puffiness of your eyes from earlier, its odd given how drastic the contrast is to your current state, its so big that even the black hole would have a difficult time sucking it in.

"after all this, i still don't know your name." you huff. his violet eyes are morphed into that of a crescent. and with the moon as your witness, he smiles.

"you can call me, scara."

#genshin impact #wanderer x reader #scaramouche x reader #genshin impact x reader

[sygol]

If one of my exes is convinced I was trying to abuse them, and that a lot of my actions were out of malice and I was trying to corner them into doing worse things. But from my point of view I had genuinely really good intentions and was mostly just confused and just trying to ask for what I wanted and needed in a relationship, and was upset when the things they promised me never happened (I felt I was asking for very reasonable things from them too). I can't say I was perfect, or that my conflict resolution skills are what I wish they were. I overreacted a lot and struggled to bring things up in a timely or effective manner. And I'm heartbroken still that I hurt someone I cared about without realizing it. But does the fact that they felt abused mean more than my efforts to have made things good for them and myself? I hate having "abuser" be something I feel I am now. And I do my absolute best to never let it happen again. But I still can't feel it was unfair to be labeled it in the first place. And I also feel as though I'll take responsibility for how I acted, but the label feels as though they won't take responsibility for how they acted. It felt so bad-faith reading of my actions and like my hurt from their actions always got turned around on me. Like I'd struggle to talk to people in public, and they'd read it as me trying to ostricise them from their friends and refusing to make efforts to meet other people? That just doesn't feel fair? I'm just awkward and didn't get along with those people but I really wanted to? Regardless I'm mostly sad to have made someone feel like they were being taken advantage of. I really cared abt them and still do but idk how I got to this position.

based on what youve told me here, i do not think you are an "abuser", or even that you "abused" them, you are not defined by the labels others place upon you, this is merely their perception; not some sort of truth.

it seems like your ex was not ready/able/willing to effectively communicate and foster a healthy relationship with you, and it seems like they let you down with empty promises, i cant exactly know this based on limited information, but speculating: your ex is probably traumatized and wrongfully projecting their fears/insecurities onto your behavior. i think they either lack fundamental understanding of who you are as a person OR is taking advantage of what they know about you to make you feel bad, the root of this is they probably dont know how to realize or address their own issues, so they are lashing out, deciding it is the fault of others.

usually when we are talking about relationships its not so much about "whos fault is it more" and moreso "are you able to share a connection" which the answer at this place & point in time seems to be: no.

i think that clearly it was not your intention to affect them like this, and if anything seems to be their own blindness rather than your actual behavior. i would advise absolving yourself of this guilt, please move on from this and learn from it to try to better connect with others who are more willing to bridge the gap with you

#asks

[pasharuu]

THIS IS THE FIRST PART.

idk why but i wanna show tumblr my aranara quests themed custom tarot deck lmao. i finished it in february but since i created this acc just recently, i gotta put it here now. im just really proud of this project and the fact that i actually finished it.

unfortunately tumblr will only allow me to add 10 pics per post, while there are 23 cards, so that kinda sucks. will have to separate em it seems. i'll also explain a little about my choices on these. so here we go, first ten.

0 the fool - "where the journey begins". i think its already a tradition to put some main figure on the fool card and so did i. glad i used his correct design for the card-

basically theres nothing to explain except for the monarch butterfly symbolism, which usually is a sign of a chosen. not like Arama is any "chosen" in a common sense, but i felt like adding this anyway. 6/10 nice Arama card.

I the magican - creation and manipulation. Aranimba got here for his exclusive sense of beauty and the will to create the beauty. he is an artist after all.

the story of the bg is kinda wonky. it was at release of 3.4 and due to my disappointment i made a pic where Aranimba points at that shiny cave northwest the mt. damavand with excitement. well, now its a boss enterance, but back then i had no clue, i made it literally at the release day lol. but it worked well on the bg of this card. i think you wouldnt guess it was that cave if i didnt tell, and that was done on purpose as well. 8/10 for backstory, and im proud of this card overall.

II the high priestess - waiting for the impulse from outside, confidence. first of all, the high priestess to me was always associated with some whimsy loud woman, and if you ask me, this is where Arapacati fits. however here she is depressively hugging a viparyas cuz she kicked her brothers a decade ago and now shes sad. what did i tell u about whimsy woman? 6/10, solid.

III the empress - the mother, fertility, the birth of a new. THIS IS WHERE WE STARTED, THE MAMA. no need to explain why i put Rukkhadevata here? 6/10, i struggled with this card cuz i hate drawing people, but it came out solid imo.

IV the emperor - the father, discipline, responsibility. to remind you, Araja is basically the one who runs the Vanarana dream realm, the tree of dreams. he is also here for a very simple reason because of being a big boss here, and looking like one as well. 7/10, nice mustache.

V the hierophant - attention to visible and invisible, search of the essence. if you ask me why i put Arapandu here, theres my answer - because he was the only major character who didnt have a card in the process of planning. i have some really vague explaination why exactly on hierophant, its mostly because of Varunastra actually, not Arapandu. i honestly dont have any emotional connection to Arapandu, he's kinda boring. 4/10.

VI the lovers - chosen by heart, determination and aspiration. ONLY BECAUSE OF SUCH INTERPRETATION. im against shipping aranara x anyone.

i think i wouldnt even make any better choice for this card whatsoever. they are here because they share dreams and aspirations and i really love their duet. 9/10 i teared.

VII the chariot - knowledge of the world, searching for the new. these goofy guys are here mostly because of "searching for the new", even though their methods were unsafe and archon knows what would happen to these dummies without any sense of self-preservation if we werent around. fact: they've been wondering for at least 4 years, but i love to say a decade. nay, theyre just very lucky. 5/10.

VIII justice - "play nice, and others will play nice with you". this is a card for Nara Varuna specifically and i decided to make both Lumine and Aether so that everyone will be satisfied. since Nara Varuna did nice in the past, all the aranara praise their name in the present.

the bg is again kinda symbolic. these are runes on Varuna contraption: "the water", when the rain pours, for Lumine, and "the sky", when its sunny, for Aether. i only hate how i made them so vague that theyre barely recognizable eh. but overall good cards, 6/10.

THATS ALL FOLKS.

for now. i bumped into images limit. gotta complete it in the next two posts!!!

#genshin #genshin impact #genshin fanart #aranara #I WILL TAG THEM ALL #arama #aranimba #arapacati #greater lord rukkhadevata #genshin rukkhadevata #araja #arapandu #arachatora #araphala #arapas #arasaka #genshin rana #arana #genshin traveler #lumine #aether

[yourlocalviolet]

The Weight of Freedom

(GIF is not mine, All credits go to original creator)

Sad post for today, i'm watching 1883 rn and the sad vibes are spreading to my writing

------------------------------------------------------------------------------

You hated this place. Hallways that were once filled with children laughing and happy families were now crowded with angry people with little to no hope for humanity. Maybe you were one of those people. You knew what the last men had done to the children that once lived in the zoo, and how now they were tearing them apart for some sort of ‘cure’. You knew that you were just as bad as them for letting it happen. Guilt filled your heart, and yet you were still here. Johnny was what kept you grounded, and kept you from turning into someone who commits those horrors. The peace shared between you could never last however, as war brewed on, and your own thoughts continued eating at your self esteem. Maybe that's why you had agreed to leave this place with Rani. While you would like to tell yourself you wouldn't leave Johnny behind, you knew you couldn't stay in this place any longer, even if it meant leaving the only person you truly loved. The last sliver of hope you had was supporting the belief that he would agree to escaping and living the rest of your life in peace, together. Deep down however, you doubted that would be the case.

It was dark as you sat on his bed like you had so many times before. Happy memories of the two of you fill your head, the smiles and laughs shared between each other, the stolen kisses and light touches. Tonight would not be one of those nights. He sat across from you, his expression blank. You both knew what was going to be said, and neither of you wanted to face it. Rani had tried to convince him to come only hours before, and you knew what his answer was. The feelings of your guilt didn't go away as you were with him like they usually did. Instead they seemed to multiply by the minute, being joined by the feeling of dread. The tears were impossible to hold back as the wet invaded your eyes. You hadn't remembered the last time you let yourself cry in front of another person. “Don't cry. Please.” Johnny mumbles as he places a hand on your shoulder. Once upon a time the action may have comforted you, but now the feeling was different. It made the tears even harder to stop. “Come with us Johnny. Please. You know you can't stay here. None of us can!” You cry out, your voice rising with every word. You don't mean to yell at him, but you just can't help it. It's too much to handle, too many emotions at once. Johnny knows that, but the look on his face looks like a puppy you had just kicked. The silence rings out as you look up at him. He avoids eye contact, and you know you can't stay much longer. “You have to come with us, because if you don't, I won't stay here with you.” you say, and he knows you mean it. “I can't. I dont have anyone else other than him. I can't go. I'm sorry” You know this is the end and that he won't change his mind. Tears are running down your cheeks once again, and you struggle to find the courage to look at him. You won't see Johnny again after this, and your time together is dwindling. “I have to leave then.” You say, voice cold and emotionless. You rise off of your seat on the bed, and leave the room. If you had some part of hope he would chase after you, it died as he stayed seated. 

Rani was with you now as you stood outside of the compound. As you looked back at the building, it felt like time itself had stopped. Everything you once knew, the hatred, the sadness and the guilt that infected your being would fade away with time. But, along with that, your love and happiness with Johnny would fade with it. And for this you cried. You cried for the death of love, for the death of the children you helped capture, and for the death of the ties that had held you bound for so long. You were free, but with all freedom comes choices you could never reverse, and you knew you would feel the consequence of leaving Johnny behind.

Maybe you were making the right choice, maybe your life would become better and you would be happy like you were years before the crumble. But maybe, just maybe, you were leaving your happiness behind you, in the one place you dreaded the most. 

#johnny abbot #johnny abbot headcanons #johnny abbot x reader #sweet tooth

[ninas-tearsofrain]

Maybe

Pairing: Jake x Kallie

Word count: 2.2k

Summary: Kallie has been friends with the boys since they were in highschool. Their friendship always turbulent with many twist and surprises. Things change when people grow up, but can Jake and Kallie ever be, what they were before?

A/N: This was supposed to be a short christmas themed fic, i wrote as a secret snata gift, but i got carried away and i built a whole storyline since highschool age and it will develop into their adulthood. I´m going to continue as much as i can over christmas break, but if i dont get it done in these two weeks, i´ll probably update every week after that, so, Kallie, bare with me :,) (and its barely edited)

If anyone would like to help a beginner writer out, to edit, give ideas or to spice things up a bit, anything would be appreciated

For anyone else reading this, you can just imagine this as an original female character if you want.

This is my first story im sharing on here (and first ever actual fanfic ive written), so please be nice :)

It was warm, despite the angry snowstorm and the merciless wind outside. The fireplace was lit, which engulfed the room in a comfortable heat and a soft orange glow. The lights on the Christmas tree were twinkling like the stars, that weren’t even visible tonight, due to the constant onslaught of fresh snow. You liked it this way, sipping your mint hot chocolate on the couch while Howls Moving Castle was playing on the tv.

You couldn’t focus though. It had been so long since you had spent Christmas with the boys. You were a bit nervous about seeing Jake again. Last time you saw him, you left things on a bit of an awkward note. Josh is your best and oldest friend, knowing him since high school, with that came the friendship with his brothers, it just happened automatically. But with Jake, it never felt like the friendship you had with the other Kiszka’s or Danny. It was always a bit different and felt more complicated.

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One day you were hanging out at Josh´s house, when Sam barged into the room, Danny following closely behind, yelling at Josh for taking his charger without asking. “Can you just please stop taking my stuff?! It’s like this every time. If I were to take your stuff without asking, you would literally tackle me to the floor right now” He was fuming, ripping through the room looking for the charger, while Josh was yelling at him not to mess up his room.

You looked to the door, to see Danny still standing at there with an amused smirk on his face, watching his best friend be his usual self. When he saw you, he smiled, it was a “I’m sorry that this is what you’re getting yourself into smile” and gave a little wave, while Sam was so distracted with finding his charger, that he didn’t notice you at first, but when he realized, his mood immediately changed, and he greeted you with his typical Sam grin and introduced himself and Danny. You didn’t know back then, what that mischievous Sam grin meant, when he looked at Josh and asked if he had introduced you to Jake yet. Josh simply replied that he wasn’t home yet.

When you met Jake, it was when Josh had invited you to watch them play in their garage. Josh had told you before, that they were in a band with one of their friends, Kyle, but you would have never anticipated that they were already that good. Josh had just always made it out to be just this casual thing they did sometimes, but they sounded professional. You´d known that he liked to sing but hearing him belt out a cover of rolling in the deep, making it his own and giving you goosebumps, you were blown away.

Then you saw him. Jake. He opened the garage door with some drinks in hand. He was looking at Josh annoyed “Next time just wait a few minutes until I’m here before playing. It’s not like you had to wait that long, last week you were an hour late Josh”. Josh just rolled his eyes. Jake was struggling to push open the door while also trying to balance the drinks in hand, when Josh spoke up “Kallie, would you be a sweetheart and help Jake out? I have to set up the microphone again, since someone just tore the cord out of the wall” he gave a pointed look at Jake.

You could barely see Jake, since the door was facing your way, on the little beat-up sofa, they had in their garage. You pushed yourself off the clearly well used red thing and walked to the door, pulling it open a bit further so that Jake could walk in. “Thanks” he murmured. The first thing you noticed, was his long wavy hair. It fell below his shoulders like a shimmery waterfall. As you met his eyes, your breath caught in your throat. They were the warmest shade of golden brown you had ever seen.

You ripped yourself out of your thoughts, feeling like you were staring into his eyes for an awkwardly long time. “Here, let me help you” you said, while taking some of the bottles out of his hands, as to not look like a complete fool. Your fingers brushed his for a tiny moment, sending sparks through your body and making your fingertips, where they´d touched, feel hot in spite of the air conditioning which had made the garage a bit chilly. You didn’t know, if the goosebumps on your skin were because of the temperature or because of the slight feeling of an impending crush on this beautiful boy in front of you.

Feeling like you´d made enough of a clown of yourself you moved to let him through. You heard Sam snicker behind you as Jake walked to his cherry red Les Paul. He kept glancing at you, throughout the entire time he was playing. You were truly captivated by him since that day.

That tiny little crush grew and grew over the next week, catching him often looking at you on your now almost daily visits to their garage jam sessions, which made it even worse, but he never actually talked to you a lot, he would always just constantly sneak a look at you and continue with whatever he was doing. As time went on, you felt like he just had no interest in talking with you, since he seemed to chat it up just fine with his brothers and friends.

Once, while chilling on the floor with Josh in his room, you mustered up the courage to bring it up. “Josh?” your voice gave away your nervousness, despite your effort to sound as casual as possible. To your relief, he didn’t even seem to notice as he gave a little “Hm?” without even looking up from his notebook, which he had been feverishly writing in for the past few weeks, writing down any lyric idea that popped into his head. They had started writing some original songs, which was exciting.

“Do you think Jake hates me?” Now he looked up at you, with both an amused and a confused expression on his face “What makes you think that?” he asked, bewildered. Now there was no backing out of being vulnerable anymore, but it’s not like you felt like you had to anyway, Josh always made you feel so comfortable telling him your deepest darkest secrets, you didn’t need to feel stupid talking to him about this.

“Well, he doesn’t seem to want to talk to me much.” you sigh, frustrated with him and yourself about caring so much if Jake talked to you or not. “You know how he is; he just doesn’t talk much. He’s a quiet guy, I promise you, he has no reason to hate you, you’re too sweet, silly” he attacked you with a tight hug and a sloppy kiss on your cheek. You were both giggling now, lying on the floor. He always knew how to make you feel better.

After calming down a bit and sitting upright again, you got serious again “I guess you’re right, but none of you act that way around me, not even Danny and he’s also a quiet guy” you said making air quotes “He’s also the shyest out of all of you, but he still talks to me. It´s not like Jake is completely mute, he talks to you guys and all his other friends, so what’s wrong with me? Why doesn’t he like me?”

Josh was looking at you with slightly squinted eyes as if he could see right through you “Are you really that upset that you’re not friends with Jake or is this something else?” he asked, grinning. “What? No, what are you talking about? I don’t know what you’re implying, pfff” you were so flustered, you didn’t know what to say.

You should’ve known, with how much time you spent together and how he knew you so well, that he would indeed see right through you. “I think sweet little Kallie has a cru-u-ush” he sing-songed. “Oh my god Josh, no I don’t” your cheeks were hot and even if you would have been able to lie to Josh, your beet red face would have been a dead giveaway. “Oh, but I think you do. Nothing to be ashamed of, I mean I get it, we are identical twins, he looks just like me, so what’s not to like” he flicked his hair back with a shit-eating grin while laughing.

You pushed his shoulder playfully “Stop, you’re so annoying”, but even you couldn’t stop the small smile from creeping onto your face. He stopped laughing but still had a calm smile when he looked into your eyes “Kallie, you’re the most beautiful, smart, talented girl I know, Jake would be lucky if someone like you had even the slightest interest in him, trust me. His current ´girlfriend´, if you can even call her that, barely seems to like him. I just don’t want my brother to get hurt, but it’s not like I can do much about it except for talk to him.”

You hadn’t even known, he had a girlfriend until now, only proving your point on how Jake never talks to you. Even more the reason to bottle up your feelings.

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This went on for a while. You were now a near constant presence at the Kiszka house, but Jake still seemed to be able to avoid you, not like you were looking for him or anything. Even though Karen and Kelly were even starting to treat you like one of theirs and their guest room constantly having some of your stuff left in it, you barely saw him. Until one day.

Josh had invited you over for a hangout, as per usual. You were in the backyard on some lounge chairs, Josh was getting philosophical again, when he stopped “Its hot out and I’m dying of thirst. Would you please be a dear and get us some drinks out of the fridge in the garage. I would, but I’m too busy thinking about the absurdity of our human existence” You laughed, seeing his attempt at puppy dog eyes. You gave in and got off the lounge chair, walking inside and to the door leading to the garage. As you got closer, you heard music flowing through the cracked door, a guitar. Jake was in there.

 You stood infront of the slightly opened door, listening to the fast, angry growls of jakes electric guitar. You could barely see him and his accelerated movements through the gap, his fingers moving swiftly along the fretboard with his head thrown back, eyebrows knitted together and sweat glistening on his forehead. You missed seeing him, even if you never talked. He had his hair pulled into a bun low on his head and he looked… angry. You really didn’t want to go in there. Why did he make you feel this way.

You wished you could just walk back and steer clear of being in a room alone with Jake, after he had seemingly avoided you for so long now. But what would you tell Josh? ´Sorry I didn’t get our drinks, your brother was in the garage, and I was too nervous to just go in there, get our drinks and go, because he makes me nervous to be around him´? That wouldn’t work. You were ripped out of your thoughts, when you noticed that the music stopped, and a voice spoke up.

“You don’t have to stand there gaping, you can come in”. You were caught and now you felt embarrassed, but walking away without saying anything, would be even worse so you pushed the door open and stepped in “Sorry, I didn’t mean to interrupt, I was just getting some drinks for me and Josh. That sounded amazing though, are you working on something new?” you tried to keep the conversation going, ignoring the tension in your belly.

“Not really.” his voice was monotone, but you could make out an unsteadiness in it, you knew came from holding back emotion. “I just like to play when I don’t know what else to do with myself.” He was looking at you now, his eyes glassy and filled with something, you couldn’t quite make out. Wow, this was the longest he had ever talked to you. Normally he´d give one-word answers and that was it.

He seemed sad and angry though and despite your anxiousness around him, you continued “Everything alright? You seem upset. I know, I’m probably one of the last people you want to talk about personal stuff about, but you don’t have to suppress your emotions. I can get Josh, if you’d like.” He looked distressed by that idea

“No, please don’t, I love him, but I don’t want wise advice right now, I just want to be furious right now and if I had listened to his advice in the first place, none of this, would have happened.” he was tense and you were starting to feel nervous under his unwavering gaze “What do you mean Jake? What happened” “She cheated on me. My girlfriend cheated on me, with Kyle. Guess we have to find a new drummer now, but he’s been an asshole for a while now anyway, this just cemented it”.

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A/N: Of course this story isnt done yet. the next chapter, we´ll find out how Kallie reacts and if they can finally keep a conversation going and why Jake has been avoiding Kallie

#fanfic #greta van fleet #gvf #secret santa #jake kiszka #josh kiszka #danny wagner #sam kiszka

[taehyungfirst]

Hiii ☺️

I stumbled upon this guys review the other day of Layover tracks that I really enjoyed and thought you might too. It's so nice to hear someone echo my thoughts that Tae's aura, level of uniqueness and uncompromising authenticity makes him a legend/icon in the making.

https://youtu.be/1bCjCcWl4WE?si=gvQ-DNOAgb58yLEo

Now when it comes to my favorite things about Tae, I would have to say it is his ability to take his hardships and struggles and turn into positives that become infused in his overall character. He never indulges in embarrassment, humiliation, or self pity for too long. If he messes up, he quickly laughs it off and turns it into something cute and charming but then also quietly does his best to makes the necessary improvements. I also love how he is not afraid to show parts of himself that would be considered less appealing especially in an industry that is built on curating a perfect image. For example, attempting to grow out his beard for fun or happily showing off his pimples. I also love how he is able to connect with so many different people regardless of language or cultural barriers which shows how empathetic he is and frankly is not mentioned enough.

Hello dear! First of all, thank you so much for the recommendation, I don’t usually watch a lot of youtube reviews, but this one was genuinely interesting. The guy reviewing did such a great job, and he really hit the nail with his insight. When he mentioned Van Gogh (I’m assuming he’s not really a Bts fan) I was amazed because we know Tae loves him, and he said some things I noted so that I could share with you because I liked them:

“There is something so artistic about V’s vision and his soul as a person that bleeds through all the videos, in such a beautiful soulful easy way […] V soul is so beautifully expressed throughout his music videos, they don’t feel like k-pop, they dont feel like music videos, they feel like an expression of who he is as a person.” I really really liked this part because I absolutely agree with it, Layover is a masterpiece and the music videos are so quintessentially Taehyung that rewatching them is always so easy, and every time you discover something new (this time I found out a cloud in SD video had the shape of a god, I haven’t noticed that before because I was too focused on Tae in the shot ahaha). My heart fills with pride seeing people recognizing just how much of a good insightful artist Taehyung is, how much he takes from the world and transforms it into art. Into something his, something unique. So really, thank you for the recommendation!

And about the things you like about Taehyung I couldn’t agree more, he will always be one of a kind, always felt like a best friend more than a kpop idol.

#can you tell i really really enjoyed replying to you 😭 #thank you again mwah #if anyone is reading this go watch the video really #taehyung #ask

[compassionatereminders]

hi kat im trying to make sense of something that happened

i hadnt been feeling too good for a couple days and this morning i was really feelin struggling to follow what was going on around me?? idk how to put it

i went through the usual motions and went to church like every sunday but i still wasnt feeling good before it started and suddenly i couldnt feel the top of my head it was just gone

then there was a hole in the back and i kept touching it but i couldnt find it i tried to tell someone but they looked at me weird and their face didnt make sense and it scared me so i ran out and went to the small forest near my city but from afar i saw this man with a bright orange hat (i think he had a dog but im not sure)and im not supposed to be in this forest so i hid in the underbush because he turned his head in my direction and i was afraid he'd find me and in all this i still felt the hole in my head i hid for a bit and now im more in the open and hes not there anymore but i really dont feel like going back home and meeting people

also this all sounds crazy so whats that person going to think when im back no one will believe me

i dont know if this was okay to say i just needed to tell someone i dont know

That does sound really scary and I'm sorry you had to experience it. That being said, considering that it is highly unlikely that a hole would suddenly appear in your head for no reason, I urge you to consider psychosis as a possible explanation for this experience. This doesn't mean that you didn't experience it or that you don't get to be affected by it, but it does mean that your experiences might not match the shared reality all of the time, and that's important to be aware of for future reference.

#chat with kat #body horror tw #psychosis tw

[raisethestake]

Crosshair x AFAB Jedi reader pt. 2/2

SPOILER WARNING

This is based off my headcanon that everything works out well lol

Just fluff. Enjoy!

Pt. 1 👇

Order 66

· i was called on a different mission when the signal went off.

· i fled to Ord Mantell and got nearby digs from one of Cid's contacts.

· when I heard the Batch was here. I hightailed it to the bar to see them.

· i was pretty distraught about Crosshair. I wanted to go with them but they wouldnt let me as he was hunting them and would 100% try to kill me.

· i ended up getting in contact with Bail Organa who put me in contact with Rex.

· when Crosshair RETURNED... I was with Rex.

· the Batch came to meet us and he was there, dressed in Hunter's spare armour. I was a little hesitant at first and he couldnt look me in the eye.

· i glanced quickly at Hunter, whose look told me it was safe.

· i approached him carefully - my fear dissipating with each step, then gently touched him as I took him in once again. My hands caressed his waist as i stepped in to hug him - my head against his chest, hearing his heartbeat again, which was insanely fast.

· he soon wrapped his arms around me, tightening his grip when he heard me inhale shakily. I tightened my grip on him too and he gave me a hesistant at first, but long and gentle kiss on the top of my head before burying his nose in my hair and inhaling deeply - eyes closed, as i broke down quietly in his arms.

· i moved to bury my nose into his neck and inhale his scent and he rested his cheek on my head and plantes gentle kisses on the side of my face.

· i pulled back to look up at him. He was still struggling to meet my eyes, so i cupped his face in my hands and kissed him gently and purposefully. I felt his hands move up my shoulders to cup my face too.

· when we broke away, he kept his forehead touched to mine and our eyes met. His hands moved to my neck and his thumbs stroked my face. My hands stroked his head and moved down to hold his waist. We stayed like this for some time before with the smallest smile, i uttered "hi."

· "hello, darling."

· we smiled, kissed again and embraced once more before Hunter cleared his throat from the other side of the room.

· we shared one more look before we made our way over, crosshair just behind me, his hand once more loosely but deliberately around my waist.

· he was especially tentative and quiet now, not wanting to do a thing out of line.

· he was fine in battle, where he belonged, but he separated himself a little the rest of the time, feeling he hadn't earned his place back on the squad. When we were on the ship, we usually had to invite him to join in things.

· i brought him a rollie and took him up to the roof like old times to talk about this.

· it was a very productive and open conversation. I'd made it very clear that anything he didnt want his brothers to know, they wouldnt.

· we were up there for hours, pouring out our souls and stories and connecting more deeply than we ever had.

· (wrecker came out briefly to check on us before they went to bed)

· we ended up falling asleep up there. Or at least I did, between Crosshair's legs with my head against his chest. I dont know if he slept at all, or just watched over me.

· i woke early and he made me coffee before everyone else woke up. He looked a lot more himself already.

· although he was still quieter, he always joined in an activity whenever he was asked to. He always went hunting with wrecker, assisted Tech with ship repairs and was generally being an angel.

· it honestly creeped the boys out a little, but they appreciated the sentiment.

· the sarcastic comments came back as he got more comfortable, but they were a lot less hurtful and more just aiming to amuse than degrade.

#the bad batch headcanons #the bad batch fic #the bad batch x you #the bad batch x reader #the bad batch fluff #tbb fic #tbb #tbb x reader #tbb fluff #star wars fluff #crosshair #crosshair x reader #crosshair x you

[italoniponic]

Mc Hcs pt 5 sad edition

Mc when they were 12 years old were sent to a psychiatric hospital for half year due to the emergence of a second personality they said was called Dahlia(Mc as kid has been described as clumsy, honest, happy go lucky , loyal etc but Dahlia in the hospitals psych evaluation was said to be the embodiment of evil and beauty.they would eventually also know them as the noble flower of evil because when ever their around they can cause the worst in somebody to bloom and reveal the worst version of themselves )

Mc due to their fame as a 'small' time actor had their fair share of stalkers and one time nearly gkt kidnapped so they begged their dad Donald to let them practice martial arts which after the recent incident they did. Sometime later they were gettung stalked by a fanatic classmate who had been really creepy and one day took it too far with nc who lashed out and beat them within an inch if their lives, they were sent ti hospital dor two months and even thiygh they were left off the hook due to ir being self defense. They felt horrible afterwards because they beat a guy nearly to death without ever trying to get him to stop or to change and simply chose violence as their first option so after that they swore that unless there was no literally no other way they wouldn't use violence to end conflict.

Filowing the pevious HC. Mc stopped acting after that incident as to stop attracting stalkers and prevent anotger situation like that.

Mc when they were younger they struggled to fit in with people. This was because in their own words was that they always felt as if that place wasn't their real home.(even when they were un their own house they sometimes felt homesick)

Mc also used to get sick a lot when they were younger and it was said by doctors that it was odd since on their arm They did have a vaccine shot scar but they still got sick almost as if the vaccune they took was for some foreign illness.

Bonus headcanons(happy edition)

Mc and Peter always did stargazing together and when it was Mc birthday he woulf often joke about whisking them away to land where kids never grew up so he could always babysit Mc in future

Mc has on more than one occasions played the role of nobility in a play or movie they often took etiquette classes meant for nobility and due to this has some friends who are nobles.

Mc at the end of everyweek gives Lilia all the photos they took so Lilia can cherish the memorues he had at Nrc

Mc has been noted to be a treasure magnet and often finds hidden valuablss on the schook camous which they usually give to Sam.

Mc during the Port fest worked at a cafe called Dukes cafe to raise money so they could get their friends souvenirs and gifts

Mc when their not busy during clubs time often sings solos of songs from their old world(did Mc one time sing the Macarena yes do they regret the fact all of scarabia had to do a macarena dance practice for 3 hours no)

I hope you liked these new batch of Hcs as always feel free to ask questions regarding bg the Hcs and Cherry i also hope you got my Hcs home edition or if Tumblr ate my ask if they did i dont mind sending it again

Goodbye and have great day

Sorry for taking so long to reply! I got tangled in a lot of irl things and it took me some time to come back here again but once again, thanks for your additions for the MC hcs~ [these in special are continuations of the multiple MC's hcs from last time]

seems that we have sad and happy hcs this time! the thing with more angst/dramatic hcs is that I'm not so good at commenting on them as the few times I think about it so, unfortunately, I won't have much to add on the first part...

as for the more happier hcs tho~

so, interesting, MC is more of a Wendy (or one Lost Child) in this one. Another thing that I love about it, not only for my love for the Peter Pan story, is that I actually made an twst!Peter oc that is a teacher at RSA and these specific hcs always reminds me of him. I won't be able to show him yet since... well, my posting schedule is the amalgamation of chaos (especially with ocs). And the stargazing part is really beautiful

MC always has the connections since ever lol reminds me of that Barbie song "To Be a Princess" (from the og Princess & the Pauper)

aaaawwww~ I never stopped to think about how faes like Lilia or even Malleus feels about photos, in the same sense we view them. but it's an heartwarming (and lowkey sad for ch6 watchers) hc <3

MC works so hard at all times. now imagine after the event ends, MC kinda does the same thing as Jack (like he wanted to treat Ruggie to eat the special dish from this one restaurant he worked on) and they invite their friends to eat there too. and their boss is like "take a day rest and enjoy it with your friends" too~

THE MACARENA KILLED ME LMAO Kalim probably had the time of his life, he didn't feel any of the 3 hours. idk about Jamil bc he likes to dance (tho he has his issues with doing in front of other bc of the whole "not go into the spotlight", still he's getting more out there since ch4...) but maybe the same song after a lot of time might be a bit annoying for him? I'm not so sure for his part

and we ended this batch! I'm sorry again for not commenting much on the angst hcs, like it's just not something I'm familiar or comfortable enough to talk about, but your ideas are always interesting and creative, believe me!

thanks again <3

#twisted wonderland #mc/yuu #hardworking mc/yuu hcs #acting mc hcs #neverland mc hcs #originally adopted mc hcs #tw: mental illness #tw: stalking #for the first angst hcs #just in case #lilia vanrouge #malleus draconia #jack howl #kalim al asim #jamil viper #don't worry we have happy hcs too #cherry's reply #cherry's mumbling about twst

[loversj0y]

im crying over techno again (this is long and sad im sorry)

i miss him so much man. i hope he knows how much he did for all of us. ive been rewatching old wilbur videos and seeing him in them brings me so much bittersweet joy. he meant so much to all of us. i hope he knows the ways he changed us.

he was my final push to start streaming. i was inconsolable the night he died. the week after i kept thinking about how long i’d pushed off the idea because i simply didn’t think i had the time. something about losing someone that you even just perceive as being close to you gives such a shift in perspective that i figured at that point it’d be stupid not to. and the thing is, he was so incredibly supportive. of every last one of us. he always supported the people in his community.

its a big thing in my life honestly to live in his memory. usually people say stuff like that in a negative connotation but i dont think its negative. i hold his memory close to me as a reminder of the things that ive lost. and its a comfort in a sense to let his deadpan mockery push me to be better and to do things i might fear doing.

he has a space on my ofrienda. i pray to him in the same way i pray to all the family i have lost because even without knowing him personally, he welcomed us all enough to allow me to feel like there was a family with him when my own felt incendiary and volatile.

i think about the fact that lovejoy is playing a festival with the killers. its a festival im incredibly excited to go to, but on nights like this when im crying over a lost brother i never had, i feel saddened in knowing how much he would have loved to have seen it. i think he will be there, watching. but the feeling wont be the same. i think of how wilbur must feel. knowing that he’s playing a festival with the same band that he’s not only loved, but that he shared his love for with techno, to the point that it made such a strong lasting impression on techno. i hope he knows how proud techno is of him. i hope that if he stays to watch the killers perform, he feels techno with him. because i know he’ll be there.

i have a lot of thoughts on how much he meant to me, to all of us, and im kind of just pouring them out in a stream not unlike the tears that wont seem to stop tonight. if i can be honest, ive been avoiding a lot of stuff related to techno. i took a step back from everything as a whole because it hurt too much and i didnt know what to make of it, not really. i keep finding myself mourning how little time i got to have as an active techno watcher, given how recently i joined the fandom and such, but i also know i should rather feel thankful for every second that i got to have. i find myself avoiding a lot of mentions of technodad still. he’s lovely and he means so much to all of us, just like his son, but i cant help but feel my chest reopen each time i hear him speak about his son. ive seen the feeling of watching a person you love mourn a family member who was taken too young personally. ive seen it in my own family with my cousin, and it all feels so heavy. i know there is this narrative of being thankful for the time we had with a person. but i still consistently find myself balanced on the precipice of anger and acceptance. i dont struggle with bargaining or depression, let alone denial. i know hes gone. i know nothing will change that. but i also will never be content in feeling appreciative of the time we had because we could have had more time. even if it was just a. second more. it wouldnt change things but maybe it would ease the ache in my heart as i think on all of the people who loved him who will live past him, myself included.

i keep coming back to the song life worth missing by car seat headrest. i cant quite explain where i find the parallels but i feel it in this delicate balance that i find in the song. theres this delicate balance between grieving and losing yourself in grief and im not that sure that ive found it. for a control freak, one of the things that always has hurt me is my lack of control in death. i cant change it. and all i can control is the way to cope but i simply dont know how to do that. and the temperamental part in my head is the battle i find myself fighting because i know how he wouldnt want this. he wouldnt want the heavy grief but i dont know how to not feel it. i find myself feeling the heavy grief or essentially nothing at all.

and theres quiet, kind moments throughout it all. when i think maybe i can hold his memory and move with it. but those moments dont last long. but they mean more than any other part of this whole process. when i hear him in my head, making fun of me for not putting myself out there. when i feel him supporting me as i feel unstable and shaky. regardless of your thoughts on religion or my own, i know that he is there. whether it is real or it is in my head, both are substantial enough to give me faith. and isnt that religion in and of itself?

i know that all the things we wanted him to know, about how he changed us, how much he meant to us, all of it. i know that he knows them. but i still am allowed to mourn that we never got to feel him know them. am i allowed?

i think im allowed. i think he’d allow it. i think he’d understand.

because when i feel whatever sense might lie in my convoluted ideas of religion and my strong sense of morality, i know one thing above all.

that he understands.

#technoblade #this is sad im sorry #i just really miss techno man #Spotify

[theboredasexual]

The struggle of changing your name as a trans/genderqueer person is so real.

For some context, I am AFAB and identify as genderqueer. I also use the terms non-binary or gender-fluid when explaining myself to cis people who dont understand genderqueer (usually i dont feel like articulating my very complicated gender experience to people who won't have the life experience to properly get it so i choose simpler terms).

Just because of internet-safety purposes all the names I'll refer to myself as here are not my real ones, fyi.

Before I start this inevitably long post, I'm gonna give you an analogy I like. I grew up for many years with a pretty old phone that stopped being updated when I was in like, year six. And I didnt mind it! It wasn't a bad phone, just one that was a little annoying now and then. But then my dad got an upgrade, and since Apple decided to ditch my iphone 4 update-wise, i got his old iphone 8.

...and then I lost it.

I still had my iphone 4 so I went back to it while i tried to get an 8 again. And holy fudge, it suddenly sucked. All the little problems I hadn't hated before were suddenly the worst thing ever, because i was used to not having to deal with them.

My experience with pronouns and name changes has been very similar. Lets say my birth name is... Jessica. I have a LOT of childhood memories thinking about my name and knowing its not quite right. They date back probably to around grade 1. I've always known that I'd choose a name other than Jessica for myself, but it wasnt until like last year that I discovered my sexuality and gender and realized I COULD change my name.

Suddenly, Jessica felt WORSE. Because I knew i had the option of changing it. So I made it a unisex name that i could argue was a nickname. Lets say i called myself Jessie. I've known guys called that, and girls called that, so it felt good.

But i couldnt shake the fact that people might still call me Jessica. It felt too related to what I considered a deadname, and I didnt want that. In the back if my mind, i started considering different names and found one i really really like. I've never felt as me as I did when I considered that name.

But i'm also terrified of changing it. Why? Because of that iphone analogy i talked about. Jessie is similar to my birth name, so even though Jessica still feels bad, it might feel worse if I wasnt used to Jessie. But the name I'm considering is far from that, which means the dysphoria will be far worse if i do officially change it again. Unfortunately I'm not in an environment where my real name is used by many people so i have to deal with my deadname a lot.

Pronouns have been similar. She/her was never quite right, and when I learnt I could use they/them (and others) it felt worse. I'm wondering if other genderqueer folks of whatever identity feel the same?

Sorry for the long post. I don't have many followers so idk if anybody will see this but I wanted to share nonetheless.

#lgbt #lgbtq+ #trans #genderqueer #non-binary #nb #name change #preferred pronouns #gender dysphoria

[bonesandthebees]

okay first of all i love the title anyways lets go!

i should potentially reread the prequel bjt yolo

title sic infit means so it begins thats neat i like it

im never going to shut up about the way you describe things like this is a dude resding a book but every word is written with such care that its so much more

ooh a ferronnière fancy i am googling so hard rn

the announcement from the snippets! i am very excited about this bit

i think that if wilbur isnt told about it that means it probably has something to do with him in some way. but i do think that even though he thinks phil would be told that he might mot have been its probably a pretty big thing i would think. if it was nothing wilbur would know i think so yeah i would assume that even if it doesnt directly pertain to wilbur that it will be something that will impact him

ah his choice on the heir? yes

i like the break you chose it fits

tnt duo!

i feel like its gonna be some curveball idk im like so skeptical that it would be that easy i also didnt read the summary oops anyways but ywah i feel like a secret third option gets named heir or something like tommy because you said we dont meet him this chapter but will next and yeah idk i dont ever expect things to go how people think they will

phil wasnt told

its definitely going to be a curveball

i dont think its the announcement they think it will be i truly think if it is related to the heir hes going to bring in a third option or just announce that a third option is the heir

something is happening tonight lets see it

how gay are ponk and sam on a scale of 7-10?

NEW VISITORS. TOMMY!

willum hehe

I WAS RIGHT (potentially)

i am so excited for this fic oh my god its going to be so good i can just tell

this pendant means so much its his family and his power and his status and its interesting

YOU HAVE PINTEREST BOARDS I WANT TO SEE THEM

OMG AND THE PLAYLIST FOR THIS FIC oooooooh i like the vibes

anyways im sooooo excited for this fic i think its going to be a fun one!

- 🪿

thank you!! the original title was just 'under the rose' but it felt off to me (partly bc I have a fic already titled under the brine and I thought it would be too similar) so I wanted to make it slightly different but still hold the same meaning. eli helped me brainstorm different words to add to it and then they suggested hanging and I was like ooo ok yeah we're gonna go with that, and I'm very happy with it now

the prequel is very fun if you want some more context + rainduo being cute kids

lol yeah figured sic infit was fitting as a first chapter title

tyyy I always struggle with finding my 'voice' in the first chapter of a new long form fic, because I need to figure out how I'm going to describe things and what word choice I'll lean towards so this chapter had a lot of me experimenting with different descriptions. i'm so glad you like them though!

ty ty I always have fun (read: struggle) with choosing the line breaks for my fics because I want them to hold at least some kind of meaning/connection to the story but also look nice. I experimented with a few unicode flowers and the order to put them in before I decided on the break I have now and I think it looks exactly how I wanted it

curveball :)))

sam and ponk are like a 9 because ponk isn't the king and even though sam keeps saying it's fine they know they gotta show some decorum in public

the pendant gets talked about more in the prequel, but yes it shows wilbur's status as being the son of the consil. it's representative of the role that has defined his entire life at the palace so it holds a lot of meaning to him

usually I have no problem sharing my pinterest boards for fics, but I actually don't have a public board for this one I just realized. the only board I have for it is a private one so it can be as messy and disorganized as I want and mostly just be used to hold references. I might make a public one though and if I do I'll share it with you all! for now though all you get is this one screenshot of part of it (yes there are so many screenshots from game of thrones on it because the costume design for that show is literally amazing)

the playlist is also a lot of fun I am trying so hard to find exactly the right vibes for it

thank you so much I'm so glad you're excited for this!! i'm so excited to share it with you all after so long :D

#ask #goose anon #rose ch 1

[thea-dacity]

I had to make a separate tumblr for this because my roommates follow me on all my social media, and I cannot make this post there because my roommate will see it, and I cant fudge the details enough that she wont know it's about her. But I need somewhere to vent because if i dont i will explode, even if my usual support group wont be there to help.

4 years ago, my girlfriend and I decided that we were going to live together with another couple in a rental home and split the rent 4 ways. Rent in our area is stupidly high, and I was struggling to make rent, so this seemed like a good deal for all of us.

Lots of details here are not important because if I nailed it to the church door like I want to it would take weeks.

For the first year, we were doing really well. All four of us had jobs, even if the pay wasnt stellar. But between the four of us, paying all our expenses was easy and I was even starting to save.

Then. Roommate A lost her job. Its alright. People lose jobs. It happens.

Then. COVID. Which was not alright, and I think that while it's not the root of all our problems it was definitely a contributing factor.

I want to talk about A for a minute. A suffered a lot of emotional abuse from her mother growing up. She goes to therapy for it, she's taking medications, we're to believe that shes working through her problems at some kind of pace. I'm being pretty understanding that recovery ain't a straight line. Plus, we've met her mother and her mom is absolutely a bitch.

She's very jealous that the rest of us have parents that arent narcissists and abusers, but it's not like we dont all have our own host's of problems (whole house is a concoction of adhd, autism, anxiety, depression, and eating disorders).

Every year, A will throw some kind of tantrum. The first time, it was because I said something about how I felt shoved in a corner. Me, my girlfriend, and Roommate B (A's partner) all shared an office together.

A's former remote job required her to have privacy, so it was agreed that she would get an office to herself. But B's job also required privacy, she they got the nook that we were using as our craft room, and we just agreed to be conscious of her privacy during work hours.

This didnt last very long. I couldnt use my computer to play music very loud and my girlfriend couldn't use the space to sew. And I felt, as I said, shoved in a corner.

So I asked in our house chat if we could reconfigure the working scenario because I felt like I wasnt... given proper space to work.

Didnt even mention A, but A went on a tirade about it- wrote up a whole screed about how she was the bad guy and then locked herself in the office (remember, at this time she was not working from there) and didnt talk to us for three days.

We worked out a solution where B works from the closet of their bedroom in a makeshift cubicle, the nook goes to me and Girlfriend, and A gets the office to herself... for some reason. Eventually this turned into their game room.

But it kind of set the tone that at least once a year this 40 year old throws a hissy fit about something and then doesnt apologize.

Again. I'm trying to be understanding of her situation, but there are days where I have to walk on eggshells.

Well... it's that time again.

Rough update of the events preceeding:

I quit my toxic job awhile back and started a new career as a photographer, which requires a lot of equipment. This job does not make a lot of money and theres a few months where I have to find extra work just to make ends meet.

Girlfriend lost her job and has been deeply depressed, and money issues mean that we are privately going through a rough patch during the slow season. My emotion s are... kind of haywire right now and I'm trying to make it work, but it's hard.

B got a promotion, enough that they can afford a starter home, possibly. They're trying, anyways.

A only leaves the house for doctor's appointments and house showings. She hurt her back some years ago and she hasnt been able to find a job.

After failing to find either a house to buy or an apartment to rent, girlfriend and I decided to stay in the current place. A and B are trying (and failing) to find a house of their own because the market is... very tight right now.

A cant contribute to the move monetarily and has anxiety about not being ready to move when the time co.es (even if it takes a whole month to close on a house.) She started packing in February. Its May, now, and no sign of any move to come, but the amount of boxes in our house would make you think they're moving out tomorrow.

So my stuff is crammed in the craft room (because she asked me to move my stuff out of the garage so she could use the garage as an exercise room, which never happened) a d there's boxes everywhere, making it difficult to get to my stuff to organize it. And she wont put her stuff in the garage because 'theres mice in there' even if her solution to my stuff is to put it in the garage. Its frustrating to live in a place where you cant use the furniture because its covered in boxes.

But let me back up a little because today's tantrum has details.

Last October, I accidentally backed into Bs car. Damage was a crack in the bumper, which I didn't think was a big deal, I offered to pay for it, but B went through insurance instead, which meant I almost lost my insurance. But they didnt pay for any of it, and it was a minor inconvenience- and in any case it was between the two of us, no hard feelings.

B asked if, in the future, I could park on the street, because their car is newer than mine and not as sturdy as my older car, to prevent any future mishaps. I decided this was fair.

Now I think we're up to speed.

My car had a coolant leak this past week and the car overheated. I took it to a mechanic to take care of, but it took a few days and they got me a rental so I could still do my job. And today was the last day of me having it.

B was at the office today, so their parking spot in the driveway was empty. My task today was to return the photo equipment to our main office and since the bags are heavy I decided to park in the driveway just so I could get my stuff in.

I realized as it was sitting there that the grill of the car kind of made a funny face, so I snapped a pic of it and shared it on tumblr before driving off.

So because A follows me on tumblr, she saw the pic and had something to say about it:

"Please dont park next to me. You backed into (B's) car and we just got it fixed."

There's like 3 feet clearance between our cars. I was only there for half an hour. In fact, I was away from the house when she put that in the house chat and didnt respond right away. Girlfriend actually came to my defense first.

"there's no call for that. 1) his implies that (tgea) makes a habit of driving recklessly, which is untrue and 2) the rental is in the driveway to make sure IT doesn't get damaged 3) why is (thea) not allowed to uise the #!%^$% driveway"

And B offered to park behind her car, which was not the point, since my car wasnt parked there anymore. The problem is that B always wants to negotiate and see both sides of a problem, but sometimes one side is simply being unreasonable.

And it really is just fucking ridiculous- I pay rent here, I should be able to park in my drive way for 30 minutes without scrutiny.

Girlfriend told her off in person as well, that she was being fucking ridiculous. I dont know what all she said, but A hasnt talked to me since getting back from the mechanic.

Since moving in here, I never really got the sense that this I was welcome. Like... yeah I live here, but this is A's house, not mine. I'm a tool to be used so she doesnt have to pay rent or cook dinner. Like... I've got my own mental issues, you know? I have self worth problems that this is feeding and I feel like I'm a pest that does inconvenient things like make messes and thats why I'm only allowed in our bedroom, our office nook, and the garage. Like that's why she keeps putting my stuff in the garage- I'm like one of the mice.

These tantrums dont happen on their own, usually. What typically happens is shes in a bad mood because she was eavesdropping on a conversation where i said something she didnt like and is looking for a reason to be mad.

And the only thing that I can think of is that this morning I had a conversation with B about how we had a lot of duplicate items in the cupboard and I was trying to plan meals around the things we have excess of, one of which was an ingredient that only she uses, typically. And that food is expensive and we should try to budget a bit more carefully. Which doesnt seem like the kind of thing that someone might get vindictive about, but guilt does weird shit to your brain.

Unless, of course, she was somehow listening in on the conversation I had with Girlfriend about how I need to put my foot down about food expenses and say that I shouldn't be paying for their convenience foods (premade salads, frozen burritos, bolthouse drinks) or her bougie food choices (pepperidge farm bread, Annie's mac n cheese, brown eggs only, cant buy store brand anything) because when I'm working I rarely eat any of the food that comes in the house.

The walls here are thin, sometimes I hear them arguing. But we keep our voices down, and if the comments I made in my own room, which is one of the FEW places I have to myself, made her mad- then she should have said something about that instead of forbidding me from parking three feet away from her precious Kia that she never drives, in my OWN FUCKING DRIVEWAY of my OWN FUCKING HOUSE.

I'm trying not to go crazy here, but shes making it very hard, and I feel like vermin. Vermin that pays half the rent and makes all her food.

Anyway, I feel a little better having talked about it, but after that I dont know what to do because if I bring it up that she was being unreasonable, then she'll find something else to treat me like shit over and we get back to the eggshell cycle.

I want to block her on tumblr so I can even talk about it where my friends are, but if I do that and she figures out that I blocked her it's going to make this house absolute hell.

I'm literally screaming inside.

#what do i do #drama #should i block her

[tojamesandwilliam]

So what happened after your final visit?.

Well alot , that's a story I have to tell in person because I'd be typing this for a very long time. I'm not worried about showing any emotion to you so it will flow quite easily for me to explain.

For starters I got a ton of hate , as you'd expect. People don't take child removal kindly anymore than they do abortions. It's a taboo and some people are actually quite triggered and opinionated by it. It's seen as scummy and that it's a common thought that people who have children removed are either low life drug and alcohol abusers, dirty and homeless or just all around child abusers. It's the lowest of the low of women hood. Women get the most hate in my opinion. As it's usually a natural instinct for any living parent to protect its own. Sometimes people don't think of circumstantial reasons because they simply cannot mentalise something they have never been through or what someone was going through , what it was like and how it felt , because if they did , they wouldn't think wo low of the ones who truly struggled.

I got told I needed my uterus slicing... I'm not going to name as it's irrelevant but that was some hate mail through social media , that wasnt long after the order went through..

I then got lots of messages from two other people at the same time! They where related to each other..and discussed me between them and decided they'd like to have their opinions because they where angry about my situation and thought they'd shame me for it. It was mostly at least I haven't put a man first before my kids , at least i still have my kids , and so on you get my gist...

They then shared a Facebook post : when the bitch who has already lost kids gets pregnant again 🙄...and few people laughed at it knowing who it was about. (ME)

It went on like that , constant cyber hate... but it's all stopped now because said people got a taste of their own dealings with children's services and now understand how hurtful it can really be.

I used to upload pictures of you all the time to celebrate all the lovely times , until people started commenting, 'bit too late for that now!! They aren't yours!' .

All I really deal with now is that some family and friends don't really want to associate with me , I have had few delete me as a friend , ignore me in public pretending I'm not there. Some people just say as far as hi and disinclude me , like if I'm at a gathering they don't want to be there , they make an excuse. Or if I'm not there they'll ask about who is going to be there and if I'm not mentioned they'll go. It's pretty obvious and is very uncomfortable but I'm not worried about what people think YOU are my concern , all 4 of you.

Most people deal with prison sentences but the biggest sentence is 18+ years you loose of your child's life , the public treat you like they're prison officers and you are the scummy prisoner.

But there you go if it's any comfort at all , birth parents DONT have it easy.