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#i dont know how to love people without extreme fear and paranoia and all the other shit that haunts my interpersonal relationships

blondebooklion · 3 years

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why it drives me crazy when people say c!ranboo has no morals but think c!wilbur and c!ranboo could still have potential to be narrative foils

morals:

loyalty to family/friends: in both his normal functioning and his enderwalk stage ranboo is incredibly defensive of his loved ones. this is 100% the center of his moral compass. he doesn't do certain things he fears will upset others (thus succumbing to peer pressure yes) but i deeply disagree with people argument that that is proof he has no moral backbone. particularly due to a couple of instances:

ranboo visiting tommy in exile: while not directly breaking the rules there was a general expectation, especially the people ranboo spent his time with, of not really visiting tommy. it wasnt really a set rule or anything but ranboo was definitely putting himself at risk by doing so.

protectiveness over michael: when sam and puffy showed up to prank ranboo, he was incredibly defensive over his son. he was ready to kill to protect his son if it came down to it.

rescuing tommy+tubbo: while we have it confirmed this instance was in their enderwalk stage, ranboo going both proves ranboos values in the enderwalk are the same (or i'd argue strengthened even) ranboo moved protectedly in front of tubbo when he and tommy had separated

forgiveness: he is willing to give people more than one chance, he is incredibly quick to judgements but for the most part he does not rely on other peoples opinions of each other to dictate the way he feels about them, he does take it into account in his overall image of them, but like with revivebur, he is willing to offer him a chance.

reciporcity to kindness: when people are kind to him, he is kind back. y'all let this slide as a moral with techno. it counts here. no im not counting it as necessarily loyalty because he is polite and kind even to those he isn't close to.

self-reliance: for better or worse ranboo does not think he needs other people to survive, in many instances he has displayed thinking he and everyone else would be better off if he were isolated. he does not want to depend too much in anyone, which can especially be seen in his desire for wealth. i think it has always been more about i dont have to rely on others, if things go south i can still survive (obviously part or it is needed something to do on stream, im applying other characteristics of ranboo to infer) but we can also see this in him retreating to himself (panic room, not telling anyone about his book being missing) when he is threatened because he believes the best way to handle it is himself

security: ranboo is incredibly driven bu his desire for safety and stability for both himself and for his loved ones. he thrives on consistency. he struggles the most when things begin to change.

difference between foil and antagonist (just for clarity cause some people have been switching up the definitions)

"an antagonist is a character who is in direct opposition to the protagonist. their actions deliberately hinder the protagonist from achieving her goal. this relationship helps build conflict and propels a story forward."

"a foil exists simply to shine the spotlight on certain traits of another character, without necessarily creating opposition or conflict."

credit: masterclass

the opposing traits/beliefs that i think will cause the most conflict between the two (ranboos will be written like this and wilburs like this to differentiate)

leader vs follower

probably the most obvious contention point, pointed out on 5/05 stream by wilbur pressing ranboo on what he stands for. wilbur wants to be in charge. but i think ranboo is how wilbur wanted people to value him. wilbur wanted to be the guy that everyone liked because he believed being liked comes with power. ranboo does not necessarily want to be well liked by everyone, but he wants to at least be neutral so he does do things in order to keep them on his side

conflict driven vs conflict averse

wilbur thrives on chaos and conflict, much like dream he is willing to manipulate situations. rqnboo does everything he possibly can to avoid it

cockiness vs insecurity

wilbur is obviously bold and arrogant. he thinks extremely highly of himself and the postions he does and could potentially hold. he is ruled by this factor and often does not think about the consquences of his rashly made decisions(thats not to say he isn't calculated or intelligent, he is, he just focuses on how things affect him rather than others)

means to an end vs no ulterior motives

all of ranboos bonds are strong because when he cares about people he does what he needs to to take care of them, they usually initiate out of instances of kindness, but he does not seem to expect anything in return. he cares about people because he loves them, nothing more nothing less. wilbur however while some of his relationships were initially based on care the motives became corrupted and its hard to say whether there are any relationships he has at this point that aren't ruled by some kind of benefit for him (my only guess for that would be phil)

similaries: paranoia, trust issues, secretiveness

ranboo and wilbur really are two sides of the same coin, yes they are opposites in a lot of aspects but despite the differences in their values orginate from the same place they jutted of in two completely different directions, they tried to solve the same issue in vastly different ways. ranboos paranoia was attempted to be solved by isolationism, while wilburs mainly tried to solve it through manipulation. ranboo pushed people away and wil tried to force them to be around. both backfired for them and caused them to retreat further into the paranoid states demonstrated by wilbur blowing up l'manburg and ranboo catastrophizing with hearing dreams voice.

I think wilbur's main contenion with ranboo resides in wilbur thinking ranboo glazes through life easily, and that they disagree on what morals means. being more confrontational does not mean you are more or less moral than another person. wilbur does not understand that differing morals does not equal none at all.

I don't think their relationship is going to act as an antagonist because while ranboo is actively keeping an eye on wilbur it wouldn't really make sense for ranboo to suddenly be more confrontational. I know a lot of people are citing the Burr vs Hamilton relationship as parallels in their dynamicI want to remind you that narrative foils are not conflicting in nature. conflict can happen. but the point of them is to highlight the differences in character traits.

likening to burr vs hamilton

burr wanted power but he wanted it to come to him vs hamilton wanting power and actively chasing it

yes this makes sense for wilbur, but it doesnt for ranboo. ranboo doesn't want power. he never has. the reason burr waits on the sidelinesnis cause he is waiting for the chance to act, but ranboo is not waiting for something to happen, in fact he would rather have the exact opposite, for things to be as uneventful as possible.

"Hamilton’s success at the expense of his personal life is countered by Burr’s relative lack of success and his happy family life. Both of these are directly due to the two’s differing goals and approaches to life. Burr and Hamilton are two side of the same coin, opposite results with the same starting conditions."

source

this is exactly what I referenced earlier between the two. ranboo cares about family, wilbur about career. while a lot of their behavior originated from a similar place, their paths rapidly diverged.

hamilton's downfall at burr's hand

i'm gonna be honest i find it extremely hard to believe that a situation will exist where wilbur waits and ranboo acts. however, if one does i still firmly believe it will be revolving around (likely in defense of) the people ranboo loves and cares about, specifically michael, tommy, tubbo. it would be where he is cementing his views of choosing people. but wilbur being hesitant is still difficult for me to think of a scenario on which he would that hesitant? for it to be his downfall?

important to note: ghostbur did also akin ranboo to burr so it is definitely possible that this dynamic is going to countinue to playout in the future

I will shut up now thank you for reading. reminder that this is just my interpretation and analysis, obviously looking at different details could lead to different conclusions. i'm super willing to discuss as long as we are both going to be respectful of each others opinions and courteous <3

#ranboo #wilbur soot #revivebur #long post #also let me know if i need to tw anything else #tw paranoia #tw anxiety #tw death mention

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hetacon · 4 years

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Stick Up For Me and We’ll See Where That Gets You

Word Count; 1,400

Pairing: Prinxiety

Warning: Swearing, crying, slight reference to Virgil and Janus not having the best relationship, Roman is insecure

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Summary: Roman can’t help but notice as Virgil has started to look out for him more. He’s not quite sure but he intends to find out.

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Note: This story takes place after “Flirting With Anxiety” and follows my main thoughts and overall analysis of the episode which you can find here!

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Roman was extremely confused on what had been happening with Virgil lately.

Sure, Virgil was a pretty decent guy and he was much easier to get along with than he had been a while ago (granted that Roman himself had stopped critiquing him so harshly) but this was insanely bizarre.

Virgil, for some reason, had been giving Roman a lot of his attention since one of their most recent trips to the mall. Normally the anxious side wouldn’t have so much as left his room unless they needed his input on something or were doing their scheduling for the week (per Logan’s request as no one else really remembered to do so) but he was just... around more.

Whenever Roman would be out and about, he started noticing Virgil tucked into the couch in the living room, listening to his music. The stranger thing was that he had one of his earbuds out. Roman supposed it was due to wanting to stay vigilant and prepared but he never knew. They actually started to hang out more as a result and rather than stay cooped up in his room alone, Roman would sometimes bring his work to the couch. He sat a fairly comfortable distance from Virgil, making sure to give him room but still provide him company. Roman assumed he wasn’t supposed to see it but every time he worked down there, Virgil always smiled to himself as he looked at his phone.

Another thing Roman definitely started to notice was Virgil making a point that they needed to listen to Roman more. Sure, it felt really nice and Roman always had to try and hide a smile but Virgil never used to do this. He never really tried to steer them in any one direction since they’d accepted him. They’d always run into difficulties before Virgil had ducked out, he had been trying to get their attention beforehand, but it was never on the behalf of one of the others. Roman really failed to see why Virgil singled him out specifically though. Even if they were on better terms, Virgil really didn’t need to, he honestly seemed to be going out of his way to do it.

“Guys, you literally just interrupted Roman for the third time today,” Virgil grumbled out, blowing some of his bangs out of his face.

Roman looked over to Virgil with a confused look before laughing a little. “Oh, it’s alright, I didn’t have much to say Virgil! It’s ok,” he said with a slightly awkward smile. He wasn’t quite willing to admit that his cheeks flushed pink in that moment though at Virgil’s gesture.

After the meeting that day was over and another dilemma solved, Roman was about ready to start up a bath for himself and sing out the entirety of the Disney anthology. He stopped himself as Virgil cast him a subtle glance.

“Er.. Virge? Can I talk to you for a second? It’s nothing bad per say or anything! Just so you know, I know that phrasing is troublesome, oh anxious one,” he chuckled, glad to see as Virgil’s shoulders relaxed.

Virgil sat down on the couch and nodded. “What’s up?”

Roman sat down next to him and awkwardly fiddled with his hands for a moment, thinking about how to word this. “I guess I wanted to ask why you’ve been sticking up for me..? Like with today’s meeting and when you pushed a Thomas to talk to Nico and just... I dont know, you’ve been doing it a lot. I’m just not exactly a damsel in distress, I’m doing alright. You don’t need to stress over how I’m feeling so much,” he tried, trying to sift through Virgil’s expressions but not finding much.

“You’re not weak if you think that that’s what I’m thinking,” Virgil told him.

“No no, it’s not anything like that!” Roman exclaimed before pausing. “Ok, maybe a little. But I know that’s not your fault and it’s not your intention either because I trust you! I just wanted to know, it’s a bit of a ridiculous thing to worry about!”

Virgil took a deep breath, thinking for a moment. “I hate seeing you sad,” he started, looking across the room, his arms crossed over his chest.

“What?” Roman asked after a moment, blinking.

“Mhm, that’s what I said Princey, you struggling to keep up today?” Virgil chuckled a little. “Though really, I know sadness is a part of life and shit and you’re not going to feel happy all the time but the others haven’t been listening to you enough. You need to know you have someone who’s got your back, it’s terrifying being on your own.”

Roman slowly nodded. Virgil did have a point there and his implication that he was trying to support Roman really did things with his heart but he tried to push them back. He still didn’t see the full picture of why Virgil would be doing this.

Sensing Roman’s confusion, Virgil kept talking. “I just know that things since the wedding have been bad. I have no idea what the actual fuck happened after we got back from it but Jesus Christ cause it been suffocating. I just wanted to give you something to hold on and let you know that you can have your own goddamn opinions. Patton and.. Janus-“ Virgil made a face at the name as if it felt weird to say. “Have been seeing more eye-to-eye than I thought was actually possible but they’re ignoring you and holy shit am I tired of it. I just want you to argue with me again. It’s frustrating not having you fight with me, you making jabs at me when we met Nico felt normal. I just want that Roman back, the Roman who has an idea of what he means to people. Oh god, that was sappy, sorry to dump all that on you.”

Roman nodded, taking a few deep breaths. Virgil really felt this way about him?

“Well, I suppose that makes sense... But still, I know you don’t like confrontation, this means you’re dealing with more of it aren’t you? I refuse to let you do so if it causes you distress!” Roman told his anxious companion.

Virgil leaned his head against Roman’s shoulder and Roman felt his heart stop for a single moment.

“I love you more than I’m afraid of sticking up for you, it’s worth a little panic to me,” Virgil muttered out softly.

Something in Roman broke and he felt tears streaming down his cheeks at that. He quickly tried to cover up his face but Virgil just put a hand on Roman’s lap, an offer for Roman to take it if he wanted. Roman instead opted for pulling Virgil into a tight hug, burying his face into Virgil’s hoodie.

Virgil just stayed like that with him for a while, hugging back as tight as he could. It felt nice to have Virgil holding on as if he’d disappear at any moment. Virgil wanted him there. While Roman would’ve immediately shut down that train of thought, he couldn’t avoid that Virgil was literally bypassing all his worst fears just to help Roman out. Roman cried harder.

“We’re gonna figure it out ok? Even though I’m literally a nervous wreck, we’re gonna figure out how to help Thomas. We’re gonna figure out how to help you too, Roman,” Virgil said lowly, holding on to him a bit longer. Roman was almost sad when the hug was over but he was just happy Virgil was there.

“Thank you,” he chuckled out, wiping away tears. Virgil got him a tissue and Roman laughed, crying more at the gesture before kissing Virgil’s cheek without a second thought, Virgil’s only reaction being an undignified squeak as Roman practically threw both of them further into the couch cushions.

Virgil ran a hand through his hair before clearing his throat, looking more flustered than Roman had ever seen him. “You uh... You missed,” Virgil muttered as he looked off to the side.

Roman smiled widely as he cupped Virgil’s cheeks, causing the anxious side to look back at him, a small sheepish smile overtaking his own features. As Virgil smiled, Roman leaned in and kissed him giddily.

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Taglist: @spookijam, @its-the-cat-queen, @virgils-paranoia, @marshmallow-the-panda, @anotheregofanficblog

#sanders sides #prinxiety #virgil sanders #roman sanders #stan writing

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standarrow · 4 years

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abbacchio essay under the cut because he’s so important to me (god this is so long im sorry i have adhd i hope this is readable<3)

tl;dr being on how i think he healed and handled up until part 5 :”) + thoughts on his relationship to the team

tw!!! for all of the usual things that pertain to his backstory including: [death, alcohol abuse, police, ptsd/depression, etc]

i may be projecting<3 its fine

to start:

im not a fan of the way a lot of people handle handle abbas trauma and illness. the "entering a relationship fixes your problems<3" shit. or the romanticization of depression...i see both a lot, along with utilizing his substance issues as like a catalyst. i dont have to say why that shit isnt ok or healthy.

getting into it (because i want it to be this deep):

there is ... a lot of guilt that he shoulders around the death of his partner. someone he was friends with (and relied on him as a literal partner) died because He fucked up. that person wanted to protect him and died selflessly while he'd broken his own morals and he feels like it should have been him to pay for it.

but he wasnt. and now he suddenly has two mistakes and blood on his hands. getting fired doesnt even Begin to fix that, so he withdraws because he cant trust himself, cant trust the institution he was already disillusioned from, and imo hes angry that he didnt get punished worse for his own crimes (but cops always get off easy)

bruno finds him in the worst place of his life and gives him a chance to put schedule in his life, to protect even if its not in the way he originally thought he would. he still doesnt trust himself, i do not think he takes to working with a partner easily (what if he fucks up again. he'll get bruno/narancia/fugo killed.) and i think that reflects in why moody blues isnt meant for combat. combat = danger.

obligatory moody blues being an allegory for his trauma and ptsd surrounding the death of his partner.. constantly haunted by his own mistake and reliving that moment. heavily referencing his wish to redo, to know every detail of that prick he let bribe him that killed his partner, to have Control. because abbacchio isnt really about The Moment -- he's making sure the Moment doesnt have a chance to come to fruition. its nipping it in the bud before the weed can kill. he wants to make sure he can figure out whats going on First and protect. to figure out past events and prevent future danger.

starting to heal:

i’ve done a timeline previously: he graduates high school in 1998, six months for the police academy, 6 months before hes out again.. joins passione in december (rainy season) of 1999, and by december of 2000 (~4 months before part 5) hes like.... well. doing better in terms of his alcoholism. we see abbacchio by part 5 occasionally and seemingly comfortably enjoying a glass or two, which speaks that after some time working hes sort gained some..... confidence in his ability to keep his intake low.

working for bruno means he cant drink as often or binge as much, hes needed and that structure keeps him in check, its not easy and yes he slips but its about and overall upwards climb because any progress is good progress... he builds a rapport with the team, comes to appreciate brunos role in giving him a chance and some peace of mind, sees himself in fugo, treats narancia like a little brother. relationships with others cant Fix your problems but friendship and structure can help, they can be there when you need it.

hes starting to trust himself more. and his relationship to fugo and nara were as crucial as his one with bruno is.

in purple haze feedback we see that he's been teamed up with fugo, and he knows fugos stand ability very well (see mirror man fight)... they Get each other and abbacchio sees a lot of his anger and distrust at himself in fugo, and easily calms fugo down when he gets upset (see mirror man episode in the car)

fugo helped him trust himself and others more .. that other people arent Fragile and arent going to die on him every time they get into danger and its not His fault. he relies on fugo and vice versa. the kid is powerful but also a smart tactician and extremely capable. they Get each other and it helps abbacchio trust himself in combat situations and helps calm his paranoia about getting someone killed while working ... and nara is just sunshine. hes an annoying little brother but it helps him retain normalcy. some sense of like. not everything is doom and gloom

his depression and general self? depreciation perhaps doesnt leave him because those kinds of thoughts mould your brain a certain way.. they dont just go away without some work. but perhaps time with bruno helps him start to realise his worth, the way the team appreciates him and his ability. his self consciousness can start to fall away a little bit. i think by the time december of 2000 (a year after his recruitment by my timeline) hes like... a lot more comfortable with the schedule of his life, it helps him get out of bed, gives his brain a structure to latch onto. the responsibility of overseeing the younger ones and helping bruno gives him the sort of hope for this original goal of wanting to protect

@ bruno (in a more romantic sense perhaps + why i think he distrusts giorno so much)

his relationship to bruno isnt fucking “godlike savior<3″ because thats.... needless to say Very unhealthy.

their relationship doesnt reach a point by where i think Either would even want to enter a relationship until about a year in (~4 months before part 5 begins)... theres a certain uncertainty i think bruno has with wanting to help abbacchio, he respects and cares about the other man and canonically sees him as his senior.. and i think theres a certain wall there that bruno isnt sure he wants to try to knock down, meanwhile abbacchio isnt sure when he built those walls but theyre safe (and what happens if you try to reach out?)

i think they sort of fall into it and its not... planned. its a little impulsive but it feels natural and they help each other because bruno is this comfort to abba, is the reason he has this structure and has made this progress himself and hes not....crediting it all to bruno obviously but bruno did play a Large Role. and bruno is all about little white lies, appearances. Yes hes fine. Dont worry, he has things under control.

and i think to an extent abbacchio knows of brunos softer spots (as does fugo, bc of the reason he and fugo team up as described in phf is to protect him) but abba doesnt realise to the extent that bruno is .... hiding his real fears. brunos a lot about compartmentalization (hi zippers) and being let into brunos internal... thoughts beyond the occasional worries he mightve shared is a big step for them. bruno buries a lot of his internal problems and worries. he has to. hes got to keep moving, keep working; people rely on him... but abbacchio is the person he doesnt feel like he needs to protect because theyre equals and maybe he can let someone in to shoulder his worries and vice versa. theyre partners.

which is why i think abbacchio initially distrusts giorno so much... its not tht he doesnt trust bruno, but bruno doesnt Tell him about this. he realizes he might not know all brunos fears (specifically @ his distate and hate towards the mafia i made the point about in the bruno isnt evil post where its like.. he Couldntve shared that information, otherwise he would endanger abbacchio)

and it scares him. it freaks him the fuck out because he doesnt understand who this kid is or why bruno trusts him so much but he trusts bruno so he goes with it, even if he doesnt Understand.

anyways thts my TEDtalk ty i love you for reading this if you got here<3

#EDIT: ok 2 rb if you want!!!#leone abbacchio #im not tagging it otherwise i just want this findable in my own tagging system LOL #all of this is from discord from dming adrian and simon so hi guys if youre reading the tags #i deal with a lot of the issues abbacchio does but i understand that that doesnt mean i didnt use language that might be incorrect #i understand and apologize !! feel free to send an ask but otherwise pls im not trying to start meta discourse over an anime character #i just wanted to get my thoughts out because im tired of seeing representations of him that i just. feel are SO so ugly #esp as someone whos struggled with the issues #caleb.txt #caleb meta hour

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trigger-talk · 4 years

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🌟I dont know if this is going to sound dumb or bad or what but ive. I think at least, come to the realization that my exes name might be a trigger for me? Whenever i see someone mention or say it i just start shaking uncontrollably untill i can get my attention focused entirely on something else. even tho i know it prolly it, i just… is that normal? I feel like it is, but ive never BEEN traumatized before–i had a super sheltered, healthy childhood compared to… it seems like literally Everyone Else On the Planet sometimes.

but then i entered my very first real relationship, which lasted three years and ended around–i think it was almost exactly a year ago? And it was just. A horrible relationship. We were still only teenagers, and we were extremely toxic for each other, they emotionally manipulated me with love talk and su*cide threats and told me i was a bad person any time i even remotely disagreed with or upset them??

but because i was A year, almost 2 (weird birthdays situation), older than them, they told me and a lot of our other mutual friends that i was the only one who was abusive, and completely shut me down whenever i tried to tell people about how they treated me–and i recently found out that, even tho i have them blocked, they have people stalking my blog and theyve been vague posting about me and trying to get certain fandom groups to shun me, so i cant even vent about this fear on there bc theyll say im being manipulative and shitty, and i don’t know what to do or how to feel about it.

i know i wasnt the best partner, and that I should have known better, but i was a dumb teenager who /didn’t/ know any better because id never been in a relationship before, so i know i shouldn’t be blaming myself s, but i cant tell if this even counts as.. really being traumatic? Is it bad enough for me to “get to use” the word trigger in regards to how their name makes me feel? Is that even what triggers make people feel, is there another word for it that i dont know about, it is just extreme paranoia???

Im sorry if this isnt the best/right blog to go to, it was just.. the only one i could find that gives any kind of advice AND has been at all active at all in the past 2 months-a year. Im sorry if this is too much, like, to process,and if you just want/need to delete it for your own mental health reasons, i understand completely, i just… am desperately searching for a place to get some kind of answers or validation or clarification or. Anything at all, really??

Im sorry for sending this as a submission too, i just think it really requires the context and i didnt want to flood your inbox with numbered asks bc i know that ce be annoyingto deal with–Thank you if you can answer, and if not, i hope you have a really good day regardless, Mods! The blog is a blessing that seems to have helped a lot of other people, so great work!

Mod Meep’s Response: Hi, love, I’m so sorry this is a bit delayed. I’m going to start at the top and work my way down:

Yes, that definitely sounds like a trigger for you, that is a very common response to seeing/hearing one. And triggers can happen to anyone, not only is there no shame in having one even if you had a Healthy Childhood, I’m glad you can recognize what it is and seek out help.

Your ex does sound very abusive and honestly dangerous. I don’t know the whole situation but if they do ever try anything towards you, you might consider legal action against them - even if it’s only to stop the vague hate.

I promise it’s okay and what happened to you is not your fault, not in the slightest. You were young, you make mistakes when you’re young, and even if you did make mistakes you were hurting at her hands and that needs to be addressed. Suicide baiting, false claims of abuse, negative and violent talk, all of that is extremely hurtful and traumatic and not something that you’re faking. It’s not just extreme paranoia - and even if it was, your emotions and feelings are valid and there are ways to make them easier to deal with. For example, if you have the funds and resources you may want to try a therapist, which might help you move on from the relationship and get you help. If not, there are online resources, or you could try exposure therapy with maybe an online consult first. I would advise against any sort of treatment without talking to a doctor first but understand that’s not always possible.

It’s totally fine that you sent it as a submission, I promise it is, you could’ve sent it by homing pigeon and we would’ve answered :D. I don’t know if its the best blog to go to but I hope this response helped, we’re not experts here but maybe this will point you in the right direction. And thank you, I’m so glad we could help some people!

-Mod Meep

#mod meep #therapy #abuse #tw abuse #tw suicide mention #tw triggers #triggers #submission

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yasugapped · 6 years

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Tagged by @superjojolimon , considering how vague the “rules” are i have Rebelliously Interpreted the questions as changeable so i just like swerved whatever seemed 2 plain for my tastes. also a lot of these just seem repeated/too similar?

rules: answer 30 questions and tag 20 blogs you wanna get to know better

gender: female

star sign: sag rising, libra sun, taurus moon ;^)

height: 5′3″ but can and will kill you

mood: a dimly lit image of a possum eating oreos. munchin crunchin havin a good night

favorite bands: death grips ..... i’d say more but i’ll let u all think on that one for awhile ....

song stuck in my head: like. the ending credits to spongebob

favorite animal: trick question its All of Them.

last movie I watched: i watch NOTHING ......... i have. never watched shit or fuck in my entire life?? ?. .. i actually cant remember i Really dont watch movies, the only ones i really like are perks of being a wallflower, internal sunshine of the spotless mind, and donnie darko

last text u sent: ok i screenshot this picture of funny valentine and his stand like “couple goals” ... .. . .. .

when did I create my blog: i dont know or care but when i made it i hadnt even read part 8 ??? i literally was committing to yasugap before i even really knew what it was like ............ im such an authentic fan,.. also, the only other part i’ve read is 4, which i read solely because i saw a picture of josuke and loved him with my Life .. i literally only read it for josuke content and didnt care much (and still dont) for the real story of it. i enjoy part 8, story wise, way more but also i love josuke2.0 a lot and i just.. . love josuke And josuke bitch whathe thefculk1!!!

fear fear fear fear fear: i am extremely hesitant to invest in any potentially horrific or goretastic display because i have like. the worst paranoia. in january youtube kept playing when my sister and i fell asleep and when i woke up it was on a video of markiplier playing an scp game and it Shook me so much. i have literally never been the same. theres an scp thats just shadows on the wall and now i cant stop hyperfixating on the shadow on my bedroom door at night... it iis !! the worst!!!! bitch!!!! :^(

another strange fear is that, i sometimes get this extreme paranoia im not alone in the bathroom and i will typically pull back the shower curtain to make sure nothing’s hiding. i’ve also legitimately checked under my bed and in my closet, but the bathroom fear is a lot stronger than those for some reason.

last thing I googled: oh my god its “funny valentine” ... w-what a shock!! wh..o wouldve guessed. ... .. have i mentioned i havent read part 7,

sipp: i actually cannot live ... without coke ... uhm ..., i prefer coke entirely flat but also cold. i pour them out into a cup and set them in the fridge to fizz out. literally. also i cant stand ice in drinks.

hmmm one of those uh GET THE BOOK NEAREST 2 U AND READ THE 69TH WORD OF THE 420TH PAGE: ok so this book is house of leaves. it is my favorite book and has been for a few years but i’ve never finished reading it ;^)

i think the technical 69th word was ‘in,’ but here’s the whole lil paragraph there: “Near the centre, in crisp focus, squats Delial, bone dangling in her tawny almost inhuman fingers, her lips a crawl of insects, her eyes swollen with sand. Illness and hunger are on her but Death is still a few paces behind, perched on a rocky mound, talons fully extended, black eyes focused on Famine’s daughter.” this book has a writing style i extremely admire. it is filled with senseless, mindnumbing extents of detail and confusion, it feels almost like a modernized version of poe’s style???? also neat about this book is the looks - if you’re interested, try looking up just pages from house of leaves.

last thing u devoured viciously: we went 2 this mexican restaurant i’ve been to a bunch, i always get the same thing, but this time i got this taco salad. it was disappointing. like it literally wasnt good and i was upset,

NAME???? i just realized this question isnt here like how are u going to get to know me without THIS ...: like,, i dabble a ton in original content & characters, and my ... sonas are always named maizzey starr, and “maizzey starr” is like my BRAND so i go by maizzey a lot but as far as my real literal name ITS KAMRYN !!!!!!! like im so unique and good ..... ... ... starts crying

password style: i have only had like four different passwords in my Life. this makes it supremely easy to figure one out on a really old account or website.... i dont understand people who ...... make up different passwords for everything,, i also never initially use capital letters unless prompted. i do use numbers in like one of them.

favorite colors: i usually like colder colors more than warm, but in general i prefer bright and colorful things. rainbow rainbow rainbow rainb

average sleeping hours: oh my god ........... this is wild. i don’t have any kind of sleeping schedule whatsoever. my schedule will do fucking FLIPS 3 times a week - i recently got melatonin gummies to try and get myself on a schedule but i legitimately think i have like a sleeping issue :^(

what am I wearing: d-dont ask questions u arent prepared 2 hear the answers to.............

dream u can remember: my last dream sequence went like this. i lurking forums for club penguin. people were discussing a penguin who was kin with napoleon. like kin as in the THIS IS ME not kin as in family. and other people - .. penguins....- were also starting to be napoleon kin and it was a trend and the original napoleon penguin was angry? this vision entirely dissolved and i was in my room at night, in my bed, and i looked over to my closet as an unknown, fleshy figure leaped for me. this is literally the most terrifying dream i’ve had in my entire life. oh my god

last meme u made: FUCK .... also this

how do u have pizza: I PREFER PEPPERONI ... im ok with plain cheese especially like when its cold??? i odnt like hot cheese pizza idk why ,, .. im not very adventurous with my pizza.... i really want a dessert pizza

weirdest thing u’ve Actually put in ur mouth: nail polish...... i saw one of those my strange addiction episode with a girl who ate nail polish. i think i tried like three different colors - they burn slightly, the taste isn’t totally disgusting but its also not like.... appealing?? OMFEJFSDJJDGDHJFDJFDSGFD

also one time i thought. we had a those huge bricks of baker’s chocolate BUT IT WAS WAX CUBES so ive tried cinnamon wax cubes too oops!!!!!!! i mean they tasted like cinnamon so..., .h-heh , , ,..kvkfkj

any pets: YES BITCH . .,, . i have.. THREE (3) entire whole living dogs. and also ! three guinea pigs. i love dogs more than i love anything. .. ,, . .. .

also im 2tired 2 tag so i mean u kno goodnight

#drinks nail polish and eats wax cubes as a nice midday snac #how late is this??????????????????#tagm #squeaks

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fireflyof-hope · 4 years

Text

Loving the Dangerously Broken (March 2020)

DEAR MARK- I really hope the best for you, and in your life. I hope you dont end up in prison, at eastern, or dead. I hope you can get the help you need, to rewire the parts of you that are so jagged and broken, that as a survival coping mechanism to deal with such pain, your soul openly hugged insanity for any escape from your turmoil. It's not your fault, that all you know now is survival and pain. Not your fault, that you lack the ability to trust anyone, including people willing to get hurt for you, or with you if it meant lessening the weight of your pain even a tiny bit. We are products of our environments. You are living proof of how cruel this world is, and what can become of us who lose everything to live for. You are living proof that some people can live through immense pain, without having no purpose to reason to continue. You are living proof that sometimes survival wins, and even without anything to live for, you havent taken your own life. I hope one day your heart, mind, soul, spirit can find true peace. I hope humbleness and peace overcome your paranoia when you put your heart into being the best you that you can be, when you open your eyes enough to realize, that you can only save yourself, and have the power to create the outcome of your life. I dont want to see you, nor do I care for much for having contact, but the impact you had on my life, I'll never forget. You've managed to become the inner voice that lives inside me, that makes me question my own choices, and if they are logically safe for me. Your voice of reason and protection echos inside me now. I'll always love you, but love wasn't enough for us. Our damages were just far to great, neither of us being healed enough to not have anything but toxic intimate relationships. It greatly saddens me, that this whole time we've known each other, you always thought that I was trying to get you in trouble be it with cops, friends, family, exs or whoever. You always thought I was faking tears, or intentionally acting like a victim, as an attempt to make you look like a POS. Fact is, I couldnt fake tears if my life was dependeing on it. I wish now, that I never cried and allowed myself to be so broken and vulnerable around you, because you could only ever get it twisted and think badly of me when I let myself feel pain around you. You always thought more was going on than what you could see or hear, than what was even possible at times. I will forever be haunted by your suspicious comments towards me, like "What's really going on Joelle?". I felt so bad, helpless, and sometimes horrible that I didnt understand you being suspicious of me, even felt worse that I had nothing to say to you in respond, because there honestly was nothing shady or sneaky ever going on at my house, despite what you convienced yourself of and what you were set on determined to beileve. Any efforts to show you nothing was ever going on, failed because your ego was to prideful to let itself be faced with anything that gave you any room to have to question your sanity. You always over analyzed everything, and determined that you were being set up somehow, someway, by someone or something. You always thought various people were hiding from you, everywhere you went, now just my place. You somehow put it together in your head, that you'd be worth the effort, time, and the actual self neglect by not eating or using bathroom it would require from any person who had any willingness, or time to waste of thier own life, to even hide from you, while remain in the same building. I dont know a single person, who would be so absurd to take the time from their own life, their own comforts in order to stalk, or hide from you. Honestly, and logically, I believe that even your enemies wouldnt go out of thier way to waste time out of their life on such extreme levels to hide in your mom's basement, Lorenda's basement, or in a nasty attic where someone had killed themselve all for the sake of hiding from a crazy paranoid guy who constantly yelled at bickered at any noise around. Not even for shits a d giggles would a person want to hide from you. Sure you might have fucked up in life, done people dirty, or seriously hurt people, but even at that, no one would ever make personal vengeance against you what they live for. Despite what you think, I will confidently, lovingly and bluntly tell you as a matter of fact, that it is no ones life mission to destroy you or fuck with you. Wish you could see it, that you really arent that special of a person. Your paranoid thinking about people being sneaky and hiding from you was just so absurd, and even impossible when you actually try to use reason with how you thought these things. People all have thier own lifes to worry about, and I promises no one wants to take any time away from the real important things in their life all for the sake of keeping a paranoid tweaker on edge. It's not funny, not amusing to watch you distrust everyone and everything around you, even the people who have opened thier heart, and home to you. It's not a joke. You are not a joke when you get this way. It's actually very hurtful, pitiful, sad, and frustrating when you refuse to combat your paranoia with logical reason. Your so smart, I know you can combat your paranoia with your own logic and reason, if you would only try. For your own sake, I dont get why you havent even tried, other than maybe its your prideful ego, maybe the importance of being right on your first impuslive thought of what you assume is going on, just sadly means far to much to you, or maybe Kevin is right, and the even sadder possibly for why you dont try using logic or reason when you think someone is hiding from you, is that your paranoia isnt even real, that its all just a fat act you put on, because you want or like special attention from people having to question you, even if they begin to fear and hurt for your sanity. I just couldnt ever understand how nearly ever single time you let your paranoid thinking overpower your intelligence. Seriously how you be so paranoid that your intelligence vanishes in those moments, so unless either the paranoia was really a fake act, or you faked being intelligent, to hide and cover up how much of an idiot you are. I've tried hard to understand your paranoia, to understand all of you and what makes you tick as you do, I wanted so badly to help you. I have no answers, I have only theories that scare me about you faking paranoia and/or insanity, or you lying about your own intelligence. I've realized that there is just impossible for the genius that you have claimed to be, to not be able to rationalize and reason with your own paraniod behaviors and/or thoughts. Do you listen to much to your fearful and wild imagination when paranoia causes panic to settle in? Did you just imagine people sneaking around hiding from you and plotting against you? When and why do you let your imagination cross over into externally reality? Is there a trigger? Do your memories, or inner pain associated with the person who you think is hiding from you trigger painful flashbacks with the person that your mind chooses to beileve is hiding from you? At what moment within your frantic racing thoughts, do you stop being able to separate and reason what your truama and imagination have you thinking is happening, vs what is our shared external reality, aka what is really happening, where you can prove or disprove your paranoia if you allowed yourself. You always hold back, on fact checking yourself in reality. It's not hard to disprove your paranoid thoughts, if you would only try more. That's part of the issue, everytime you've been on a wild goose chase in my house, your paranoia was always 100% been wrong and disproven. I think sometimes that being right is most important to you, maybe you'd rather not even clarify for your own peace of mind, because you don't want to risk the proof or embarrassment that your mind is anything but perfect. Maybe your pride is just delicate, and you'd rather not know, than to know for sure, and admit to yourself that it's your overactive mind having an episode that's now took control of you of your reasoning skills, making you seem like a arrogant lunatic, jackass and a fool to yourself and anyone around. I'm still learning to not take it so harshly, and so personally hurtful that it can be so easy for you to beileve that the very same person who opened thier home to you, risked all they have by even associating with knowing you, who forgives you constantly, who writes to you if you go to jail, who isnt even bothered by the fact you might not be sane or even safe, and even considers you to be one with them, as if you are part of the house family, the person who got nothing but endless ride or die love for you and only seeks to nurture and sooth your paranoia in hopes it can vanish, the person that you feel safe enough to fall asleep with, the person who would stay the night in Newport in their car for you and fight the systems bullshit by your side, the same person who discards people who try to force them to cut you off, the same person who ignores the darker parts of you, the same person that wants to count on you so badly, the same person who bite off the head of any person to dare speak of you like your a monster, the same person who tries so hard with nothing but love and healing intentions to get through to your thick skull, the same person who your existence in thier life allowed your impact to be so great, the same person who broke and ditched the heart of their mexican high school sweetheart all for you, the same person who is a bit damaged and broken by life just like you, the same person who unsuccessfully tries very hard to give up on you but just can't, the same person who has a worn out heart because all the effort and energy they put into ressuraning and loving you even when it was only ever a losing battle, the same person who's effort and loyalty towards you remained unshakable, the same person who wants to hate themselve for how much they love you, the same person who recklessly gave a felon/criminal their priceless heart to only to end up feeling unappreciated and depleted entirelly, the same person who fears and hurts when your suffering, the person who wants the best for you in life whether it's with or without them in it, the same person who wants you to realize such things about yourself so you can decide how and who you want to be and gain control of your mind back, the very same person that you seemed to push away of the love of, and punish with painfully doubting everything they stood for in loving you, the same person who cherished the time they had with you in the moments that matter rather than paying any mind to your outrageous wild goose chases, the same person who would use their own body as a shield over your body when fear of being shot dead paralyzed you, the same person who continues to die and bleed out while determined to climb over your thick painful spikey wall, the same person that loves you so much that they found enough value in themselve to not have meaningless sex, the same person who has undying painful hope in you when you havent even given them a reason to continue hope, the same person who only ever wanted you to feel and accept such crazy love they have for you, the same person who gets to feel more pain than love come from you but choses to love you regardless, because they are selfsacrficing, and dont love you for their benefit, but chose to love you, for yours, the same person for forgave you at your very worse towards them, the same person who deserves so much better treatment and yet wants no one else, the same open who has nothing to hide, is a complete open book, and operates on being a healer, the same person who actually got ran over and nearly died because they couldnt help but have such adoration and fondness over you... this person, is all actually the very same person that youd rather believe is lying about no one being in the attic or whatever sneakness you think is happening, the same person that you'd rather beileve has something to hide, the same person you'd rather distrust and doubt, the same person you beileve wants you beat up or in prison, the same person you'd rather beileve cant own up to thier bullshit, that you'd rather beileve is sneaky around doing sexual acts, the same person's who house you do but dont feel safe at, the same person you enjoy calling names and lashing out at, the same person you think you read the emotion of, the same person who can be crying to themselves for thier own reasons who you heartlessly and suddenly accuse of laughing at you, the same person you think is fun to make angry, the same person that you trash the room of and show no value or respectful for, same person that you beileve is lying about noises, the same person that you think behind it all on some freak show of a malicious plot, it's the same person you think always has another agenda in mind, it's the same person who gets dragged through mud by ignoring themselve inwardly and by staying so focused on only just helping lessen your pain, paranoia, and doubts, the same person who's unconditionally loved you without expectations, same person who cant stop loving you who only hope that one day the love they have for you can reach deeper than any pain you've felt and all accusation, doubts can disappear into nothingness. The same person who's heart is broken, who's entire world shakes when facing the reality that the doubts never ended and that there was never any trust no matter what everything they tried to do right by you, the same person who feels utterly ripped into pieces by your disbelief and doubts, the same person that found love for themselve through all the pain they felt that came with loving a broken forbidden impossible person. It really breaks my heart, that this person I've described willing to endure so much, give so much, and end up so much more broken inside all for you, is in fact ME. I was just to eager to give love to someone, who had maybe never known real love, and that's on me. I should have ran when I had the chance, like anyone in thier right mind would do. I'm talking about details of your paranoia so much, because that's how our first fight started, and I beileve is the core issue in a lot of our fights. You'd rather beileve that after all I've done for you, and would do for you, that me the person who wants you to feel love greater than pain, wants you to feel the safest and be able to have internal peace and self love so that you can heal, and overcome your pain and paranoia. I want so desperately to make a difference and be the loving healer that people like you have searched for all thier life. I really do live to bring light, and hope to others, for you to even think that I could possibly have the ability to set you up, lie to you, ruin your life or do you wrong in anyway, straight crushes my soul. This whole time you've known me, you haven't really known my heart, your accusations, doubts, distrust, disbelief that I ever want to intentionally go against you, is proof of just how much of a stranger you've stayed to my heart. It hurts very badly. God only knows if you actually really do care for me, if you will ever actually read this I dont even know. You'd rather believe that I'm lying to you about people, my house, my attic over the idea of having to admit to yourself, that maybe you are losing it a bit. It's easier for you to beileve that the person who will probably intimately love you more deeply in your life than any other person is capable of is untruth, is intent on destroying what's even left on you. I dont know what to do anymore, sit with my pain and grieve it maybe, again it turns I'm that I'm just throwawayable chopped liver in the life of who Ive dearly love, with more fierce love to give that I didnt even know I had. I feel my efforts, energy, words, heart, loyalty, tears, my forgiveness, honesty, patience, pain, heartbrake is just all worthless to you. Why did you trick my heart, when you never trusted it and never even wanted it? All the pain and doubts that I've endure from you the entire time I've known you, it's all been for you, the dangerously broken one, who had managed to help me feel alive again without even meaning to. I feel like I've wasted my time and my love, on someone who couldnt even see me standing there trying to help you to carry your pain, despite any potential risk to myself. I tried to kill the monster within you with the purest love that I'm capable of, and yet that same monster it seems, would rather kill the light within me, than let down its guard and wholeheartedly believe that someone be capable of loving it and embracing it as if it were my own. Your monster is a reflection of your soul's deepest pain, and it doesnt scare me. I've never considered you to be a joke or a fool with your paranoia. I know that you arent a joke, and my heart doesnt operate of thinking it's funny to see such loved ones hurting. It pisses the fuck off you think I'm some sick person who is capable of laughing at your misery. Ive loved you with the purest love and intentions I've had to give, and it wasn't even good enough. In you thinking your pain, brings me laughter to any degrees has again shown more proof that you've actually stayed a stranger to my heart. I've never been called a liar or accused of being a sick fuck that enjoys when people hurt in ALL of my entire life until you. You really dont think healers, who selflessly try to better the world and give impossible broken people like you hope actually exist dont you? Your a stranger to my heart, because you dont even believe what drives my heart to continue to beat even through my own brokenness. Why did you asked if I was an angel all those times, when you wouldnt beileve me anyway? Im someone with such a powerful heart and the rare gift of such intense love to give that has the power to move mountains. And here I am moving mountains for someone who doesnt even see me, stretching myself out so thin, with just barely enough hope that it will all me something to you. I really hope that you didnt just act out your paranoia this entire time for your own amusement. I hope I fell for a real person, and not some gaint act. I'm the joke and the fool for possibly loving a felon and a person who might live thier life acting. I will straight say with nothing but love for you, that your paranoid thoughts have always been 110% WRONG. I know you couldnt help it, you just knew survival so well, and the things that you've already been through. Never have I tried to get you in trouble purposely. Never had even been a throught or objective of mine. I DONT live my life with the agenda of destroying broken souls. Broken soul and me find each other naturally, yes, but I just try to shine light on reasons to get back up again when their darkest is drowning them, when pain is to intense to see any good in life, I can only try to show them any reason, light, hope to not give up on themselves. I dont live my live trying to ruin people that I love. I just dont, that is my word, mind, heart, soul and my bond. That is what makes me, me. The whole reason I ever took my chances with you as a roommate even though, I knew you were a wrecking ball, because i saw behind those sad eyes, behind the hustling, behind the needles, behind the drug use, behind the distrust and paranoia of the world, were such loud soul wrecking- ear piercing cries for help, cries for love, even though you already knew that you didnt know how to accept what you really longed for most, unconditional love. Someone who would get you, understand all of you, and still love you through all the pain, anger, bad, grief, passion, love, darkness, selfishness, selflessness, stubbornness, abusiveness towards yourself & others. I live trying to build broken people up by bringing out their rawness and showing them, even at their worse, they deserve to feel loved to. I live my life trying to bring people light and hope, because I'm lost and broken myself and in helping people, i find reason not to kill myself. I loved to feel needed, love to nurture, love to pant seeds of hope in the shattered hopeless souls and hearts. I love to feel like I'm making a real difference for anyone in life, even if I only made a difference for but a moment in another's life. I dont know if i actually make a difference to you, and that's okay. In my heart I've succeeded in how I had shown you, that even your darkest, your most feared demons deserve to be loved, unconditionally. If only you had felt loved all your life, those demons wouldnt have such power within you, if only the world didnt rob you of being a father, how much different of a person you would be. Love is foolish, and I love all of you, just as you are. I've always been me, Mark. The girl who tries to bring people back to life, because I painfully understand all to well what that inner void feels like of having lost all that I was living for. No lies. No bullshit. No acting. I PROMISE you that no one has ever hid from you in my attic, accept for me myself when I needed space. You always wanted me to and demanded of me to "own up to my bullshit" in your hurtful accusatory ways, well fine. Here we go. I'll proudly own up to it, and who I've become now. I own up to how I allowed myself to fall in love with the most too far gone, most broken, most dangerous, most worthwhile, most doubtful, most hurtful, most strongest at surviving, most saddest, most childlike, and yet the most wise wild and goofy person, that I've ever known in my life, and although there is continually great heavy pain, I will never regret having known you, and you cant make me. I will love you, with or without contact. My spirit stays with you. You can run, you can hide, but my love for you is carried inside. The person who had been my greatest life mentor and teacher in my life, as been unregrettably, non the less, you Mark Conner. Maybe it wasn't me who was suppose to make a difference in your life, maybe it was you who purpose was to completely shake and rock my entire heart and world.... and my goodness, you fucking did! I now have new strength, self love, and survival instincts within myself, that I didnt know even existed. I'd rather have an empty bed, and no cuddles than to be with less that I deserve, than to tolerant bullshit treatment from myself, or anyone else. I feel okay being alone now. Actually okay in my own skin now. Holy shit the chick who tried to pay $200 to kevin just for cuddles, the chick who brought $100 stuffed animal to cuddle, the chick who had reckless sex and let people use her with just mere hope that someone could really love me, need me, just a little bit. Im the very co dependent chick, who never couldnt picture herself single, never picture myself alive without no man at my side, and with no kids at my side to pour my precious love into. Im the burdensome chick who was always desperate for closeness, would settled for anyone who would give it. Your own darkness and pain brought to light for me, my own inner power, and as it turns out, I'm dont being prey that men/predators thirst for and seek out to just use and discard. Done playing the mental games of others who I was just trying to show them the way out of consuming darkenss. I know now, my thoughts and my reactions to my thoughts and feelings, are what allow me to be the creator of the outcomes in my life. Even if you really truly are a hopeless tweaker, a monster, or some unsolved mysterious wonder Mark, I refuse to accept that there is no hope for you, even if you've made a mess out of my heart by turning me to chopped liver by trusting paranoia over love. I refuse to beileve you cant do better for yourself. I refuse to think your future will be in prison or eastern. I gave up on us as a couple, at least for now, but I havent, and will not give up on you as a person. Your heart feeling sincerely loved, is worth all the pain I've endured, that I'd go through repeatly for you if I had to. All I can do is still have hope for you, for YOUR sake, because you deserve to not live in such torment, to never be able to feel safe, to never feel trust, to always think that something, or someone, somewhere is plotting against you no matter where your at or who your around. I've fallen for and have embraced and chosen to love the toxic impossible parts of you, even if I do discarded, or dont feel loved in return. I dont love you without expectations for my benefit, I love you for your benefit. You would not be you, without your imperfections, and I love every bit of you so much, that I cant be around to watch you destroy/hurt yourself, and/or your loved ones unintentionally. I know when you hurt others and are aware of it, the painful guilt you have to live with inside, for surviving the ways the you knew how, is your greatest enemy. You are you own enemy. You hold yourself to the highest standards. You can't forgive yourself either, that grudge you hold against yourself is so power, that you cant see it when others have already forgiven you and have attempted to move forward with you in the present moment. Your own survival game is real. Your intense af, and your brokeness, your intense emotions, your pain, your will to survive, is how I was able to feel alive again, instead of just floating around like some darkness engulfed broken depressed empty lifeless thing that only desired for death. That isnt me anymore, thanks to knowing you, and mostly thanks to me for seeing myself through my own loving eyes and ways. One day I hope Mark that your PTSD gets treated, and that you can learn how to just live and cruise through life enjoy all life has to offer instead of fear it. One day I hope you can feel safe in your own skin, with the people who love you. Home is where the heart is, but your heart is in so much pain, that your in denial of even having a safe loving home. Your insecurity and vindictiveness got you to cut my vibrator cord at some point, and has your goodbye to me, you poured gatorade on my jeep seat like a child having a tantrum as if I had done something to even deserve that episode from you in my jeep, joke is on me for loving the impossible. I went from being all eager to feel valued and worthy by a good steady stable man, to developing actual self value. Im awake now, and there is no going back. No one can take that away self value from me, and it cant abandon me. Your solo ways, have taught me much needed tools to get through life when it storms. I dont care about our feelings towards each other, I just care that you one day can see and feel your own inner power to. I'd often wonder if there was a God, how dare you have been made to suffer all your life, but your right when you told Trina when we were both in Springdale, that "God wouldnt ever give us more than we could handle." Your darkness, your incredible survival rate, the deep footprints (or should I say BMX tire tracks) that you leave behind you, that you left on my heart, are very loud, and impossible to be overlooked by someone with a very rare and real heart like mine. The broken who cant escape darkness because they chose to run back into the fire (pits of hell) trying to save people from bone chilling pain, because we understood it, and have endured it ourself with no real escape. Empaths, healers, people who can see the good in you, know what I'm talking about. You showed survival be possible with nothing to live for, and you lead the way, for probably not just me, but others who have lost their way and own sense of hope or belonging. If you couldnt see no way, you created a way, and I'll cherish witnessing how you could start from nothing, and how you just kept going, no matter the curveballs. You didnt surrender your life to this hell, even when you've felt dead and hopeless inside, even when the flames gave you third degree burns. Your living prove at how possible life is, even when you have nothing, but yourself. "Coming in hot!!" You'd say. Damn right you are hot, you came into my life on fire from both hell and holy flames. You can light a fire within anyone, who can see into and feel your very wounded, yet shattered warrior soul, or at least, you did for me. I hope that counts as something towards you finding self love. I want you to see your value, through my eyes, my heart, my soul. I want you to feel it in the core of your being and never doubt that you are so very loved, never doubt that you make a difference in someone's life, to love yourself enough to be able to stop thinking that your just a failure, to stop thinking that your loved ones think or fear that your just some psycho monster. You ignited my healing firefly flames again, which were well burnt out after my divorce, Trench suicide, Ordai's betrayal, and my children having to live in a different place than me. I'm a firefly Mark, I was given that nickname for a very real reason, when times are dark, I still have light flickering, even if the darkest of places, it's my gift to still have light and life within me to share when others have died inside. I'm glad we touched each others lifes. I had no beacon of hope, until you, I was always the person, everyone themselves turned to for help... it was finally my turn to get the help, get the inner healing, that I didnt realize I ever needed, through knowing and having such love developed for you inspite the pain. You unintentionally lead the way, and even paved it for me. Us going through our own individual inner hells, and how you left me alone at the many times when you knew I could handle it. You didnt piggyback me through hardships, instead coldly, and harshly, you demanded I got up and fought my will to die away, you didnt jump in and saved me from my self hating bullshit, you did more more for me. By watching you torment yourself mentally, you brutally and painfully taught me the strength it takes and how to have power over my own darkness that tries to control my life. You showed me, and unknownly taught me how to save myself. For that, I will always be thankful. Mentally a lot of what we both went through together was just flat abusive, but through the sick mental illnesses we both suffered, and the shit that we dragged each other through, I've trained myself very well in adapting whatever life throws at me. Stress doesnt break me anymore. Rarely does anything scare me anymore, I'm scared of loved ones dying, scared of unintentionally hurting people I love, but that is about it for my fears. I want you to face it, like a man should, that whether you believe yourself to be a prison/drug/felony flats-made monster, You just might of did something good, and wonderful, and life/heart/soul changing for someone you love in your life. I want you to own it that you arent all bad, that through your existence, I picked up on self love, self value, and survival tactics. I also didnt know had it in me to love such scary, damaged, spung out of their mind, hurtful yet loving in balanced ways, unpredictable, unstable, controlling, broken, addicted, pos, dangerous and yet safe, insane, older gentlemen with southern/Christian ethics, and just all around love a person who could actually survive so much pain. I'm your biggest fan and cheerleader. Ordai a long time ago when he first left Feb 2019, Nick told him that my buddy would go after him with a gun. I'm sure or at least hope that Ordai knows kevin now, and can see how ridiculous it was back than to be in fear of Kevin coming after him with a gun, but Nick had created those fears in Ordai, in hopes ordai wouldnt come around me ever again. But as it turns out no was ever gun needed, I was given something far more special in meeting and falling in love with you. Thank the universe, the trees, Kevin, drugs, ex roommates, Ordai for first leaving me, or even thank God for me knowing you, because I now wield a secret invisible gun at my side, thats well cared for, well polished, and locked away when it's not needed. This gun that I call self love and survival, is the only weapon I need, and it was you that taught me how to aim with it. I'm unbreakable now. Thank you Mark, if you get nothing out of this message, than please just try to be good to yourself, gentle on yourself, because you do create inner miracles within at least with me. You will never be a lost cause, no matter how much you try, it's to late for you to not have worth to me. Your impact on my life, is part of who I am now. I didnt even figure that in loving a man so much who is so rough and jagged around the edges, a felon, a broken surving badass who lost so much in life, that I'd end up becoming a badass myself. May warmth, and love, not doubt or paranoia follow you, and be with you everywhere. THE AFTERMATH & PROCESSING OF MY THOUGHTS Now I'm realize, my upbringing.... it wasn't my fault, I didnt ask for it, I didnt do anything wrong to deserve it, that my parents neglectfulness wasn't because they didnt love me and my brother. But it was only because they both had a very deep lack of love for themselves, and learned to cope through making pain with emotion numbing substancesain order to survive. I cant even be mad at my parents as an adult for kt. They didnt mean it. Nor could they even ever comprehend the long-term outcome it would have on thier full grown children unable to stop questioning love, and at a painful war with having to decide to chose whether or not to hate themselve, or to love themselve. I realized we each have our own power within us, and I will be a model of self love now, no more self destructive bullshit. My children will know love. They will feel so overall loved and overwhelmed with love, that they wont have to experience questioning the love either of their parents have for them. My children deserve to have a mother who loves herself and can thrive and be happy, with or without a partner. I'm worth the entire world to my kids whether I'm with them or not, and that wont go unnoticed by me again. Loving myself shouldnt be to difficult, now that I chose to open my eyes, and see my priceless value. I'm actually not the garbage that I treated myself to be. I let the actions, or lack of actions of others hurt me a good bit, but I know that I'm not chopped liver. I have so much to give to myself, and those who have endlessly loved me when I couldnt love myself. I have so much to live for. My existance can and might one day be just one living proof of an example for other shattered by life, broken and self hating souls. Through how I love and live, maybe people can start to uncover their own inner voice, worth, and love. Its amazing at how much power and control we have in our lifes, to share with all we cross paths with, if we chose to take back our life and become our own pilots. Its magically to become the love that I've needed my entire life, instead of putting it in the hands of others, instead of burying the ability to love myself because I blamed myself for my life, instead of substance abuse, instead of lashing out and hurting others we love out of never knowing how to accept being loved. I think I might have figured out a major life hack, and the short cut to inner healing through our own childhood and past relationships.This shortcut to happiness might be real? What we think, we create and become, we are the masters of ourselves. The answers to how to be alone, and not dependent on another's value and love for us, can only be found within our own self. Not another person, not substances, not money, not travel, not sex, not working, and not escaping from reality with friends, tv, videos games or school are part of it. Gotta be okay with facing yourself, head on without distractions. I've tried so hard, and for such a long time to hope for a sincere strong willed, adventurous, steady, and stable, man, who just incapable of abandonment, abuse, or giving up without any effort. I wanted my fairytale to be real, wanted a man to come along and magically love me unconditionally in the ways my broken self had always freely given, but had gone without. Ive learned that no perfect match for me exists. The joke was on me, but the fact is, I acccidentally fell in love with the least likely type of person that I would ever let in or trust in my life and heart. I blindy fell for someone and I knew it was the most toxic relationship that I would ever experience, yet my idiotic heart didnt care. I learned that happy ever after is a overrated unreal concept. Through this on and off crazy yoyo relationship I had over the period of a year with Mark, I started to give up entirelly on the idea of my heart being unconditionally loved and accepted without expections. I seemed to feel accepted just for being me with all my intenseness, my wildness, my BPD, my selfless ride or die love, and my total inner indecisiveness about whether I'm monogamous, polyamorous, open to kinks, or if I had just enjoyed bring healing energy to others through intimacy. All I knew was that just once, I didnt want to feel like loving all of me would be such an inconvenience for someone, just once I wanted to experience feeling that I was more than enough, instead of less than what was hoped for. I dont know if the cupid in my life just is a wingnuts or what happened, because I fell in love with the complete opposite of what I'd ever search for within a potential partner. I fell for the most broken, dangerous, controlling, closed minded, arrogant, possessive, needy, lost, abusive and damaged soul that I had ever come to know. The hardest part about loving this person, was how full of expections he was for me, and how he didnt agree with how the healer within me freely gave endless love to broken souls like ourselves. He couldnt love the core healer that I truly was inside, that even make me, me. The only reason I even could befriend this guy in the beginning, was because the way my healing empathic heart could hear and even feel the pain his heart would sing. It seemed he was only out to try change and shape my heart. It seemed that his greed wanted to kill the healer inside of me, instead of love me for the healer that I was.... This experience taught me so much. I wasn't willing to bend to his demands and expections, I wanted to be free to be true to myself. Many times I'd be feeling so down on myself about his treatment towards me, I'd isolate myself to my room out of fear of upsetting him if I was to try to hang out with my roommates. I allowed him to put distance between me and others, and even allowed his presents in my life and home chase people away from me. At times I didnt even feel like my life was my own, I just did what was I told, just did what I knew was allowed, just barely even allowed myself to move, use my phone at all, or cook or use the bathroom, or even breath in the wrong way with him around me, because that was the only way to stop the painful demeaning nonstop doubts and accusations. I automatically started obeying all his passive aggressive signals, in order to keep any sense of peace in my life. I felt trapt as my life became constantly just tipy toeying on eggshells, receiving lots of concerned looks from friends and very bad inner anxiety in the mist of trying to keep the most impossible, dangerously broken man happy at the cost of allowing myself to get robbed of everything I was.... I stopped feeling like this man loved or cared for me at all, because while I was being a stranger to myself, he was a stranger to my heart. My feelings and emotions when mentioned went entirely ignored, or back fired on me and gave him reasons to guilt me into feeling worthless by just trying to be me. Only he mattered, his greed, no one and nothing else. My voice, values, beliefs werent ever even heard in his mind. He just demanded that he be the Alfa while telling me hurtful things to crush my spirit. I couldnt use my phone, playing video games, do art, or listen to my own music without his attitude changing on me, he was okay with my entire life stopping, if it meant that my focus was on him and nowhere else be it person, animal, nature, errand, or hobby. I wanted this man to feel loved so badly, wanted him to trust me, to stop doubting me, so I willingly self sacrificed, overlooking myself, my own free will, because I had desperately hoped it would all be for something, hoped with time that he would loosen up, that he would open his eyes and realize just how much he was suffocating the life out of me. He didnt, it didnt get better, when I expressed how at times everyone needs breaks from each other, his grip on me would get even tighter. At times it got to the point in our fights to where I'd just have to take off, away from him, to where I'd find myself hiding from him in my own house silently letting tears fall, because only in that very moment of hiding, could I even seriously fully take deep breaths again. It's threw going through this time with him, that I gained a backbone with how I would let him treat me. The break I got from him felt so good, that I learned to pamper myself in the little moments I had to myself. I began to learn self love through this scary possessive abusivness. I learned that I could never do right by him, and that he would always need someone to control of entire day of in his life. After learning that from someone who also loves him and been in my shoes, naturally my heart and adoration started to repell and withdraw from him. It was about time that i embraced some of the love that I freely gave away and would throw into the darkness hoping it would touch the life of someone who'd value and cherish it. It's about time that I allowed my own damaged heart, to grieve, heal, and feel the absolute love that I carried within myself. It was a lucky miracle that became and gave to myself what I couldnt find in a man. I literally embodied and became love, as a result of feeling of the lack of safe comforting love, and no one can take it from me. That is such power. My life is my life. I'm responsible for myself, not the entire world. I must be good to myself first, so others can witness and feel the best of my healing heart and soul, so it wont be hard for others to just naturally feel they are valued and loved by me, instead of having to only witness and share in just feeling the pain I hadn't accepted within myself. I am much more than just my darkness. I do more than just drown, in fact I was giving up feeling alive, before my own survival called bullshit and my own hidden will to live forced me to learn to stand up for myself and on my own. I survived it all, but the fact that I had allowed myself to go through such a thing, reflected that I was my own worst enemy. Sure that I took a dangerous risky route, to find self love. That it did in fact take me falling in love with, and seeing the only the best within a very deeply disturbed, broken, truamatized, and paranoid person who needs the type of help that goes beyond my control and power, to see that the only way to survive through the dark hardships of life, and the pain that comes with unconditionally loving impossible people, was to learn to love myself, find truth and beauty in my own pain and grow from it instead of become a monster myself. I'd learn to be, what I needed and couldnt find. I wish for all the broke souls I love in my life, for their eyes, hearts, minds to be open to their own inner power. This abusive man who I very dearly do love, torments himself greater than it even be possible for another human to do to him. It was honestly through being part of watching him destructively cope with his sadness, paranoid thinking, helplessness, unforgiveness and lack of trust towards himself, and the inner misery he inflicts on himself, that I was even able to recognize myself, and how much I was alike to him within our inner pain. I felt trapt in ways of never knowing how to stop repeatly breaking myself through using the pain I've lived to justify all ill treatment towards myself from myself and all my interactions with people. He cant save himself, but he isnt a failure. Somehow he taught me how to save myself by isolating and silencing me, by being my most toxic relationship, and by watching him drown himself and survive the entire time. It was through the worse mental pain I felt and seen in life, that wasn't even my own that I was lucky to been gifted such an ability to intensely directly empath the pain from Mark's inner turmoil. It was within hurting so deeply and helplessly for him while he allowed himself to burn alive and internally suffer deeper as he lashed out and hurt people who he said he loved, that Mark had accidentally showed me the way out of our own inner hell. I didnt want him to hurt alone, didnt want him to roll over and surrender his life, so i let the flames that continued to burn and consume his fragmented self, also lick me. I tolerated absurd bullshit and treatment for long, because that is the nature of my love, to ways forgive, to ways see the best, to kill everything I know with love. I willing chose to love the darkness and demons that had shown him how to survive. I decided that it was wrong of me to have expectations on how he should love me, especially when he couldnt even love himself, and was quickly becoming more and more of a stranger to my heart. I only started diving into self love, because I had helplessly hoped for so long that Mark would find it for himself, so that he could be able to heal and see the endless love and light that lays right beyond the all consuming pain that keeps his soul dead. I love myself now, I had to learn it quickly for my own survival and sanity after I would embrace his flames, and let them surround me with flame kisses and burn me alive, along with him. Mark is like that of a burn victim. The on going effects of his trauma have been everlasting. I got out and away from my hell engulfing me, I can only hope that he isnt too far gone himself, and that he would stop squeezing his eyes so tightly shut from the pain he experiences. If he just opens his eyes wide enough to see, there is a way out, that pain doesnt have to consume him, that only he can put his own fire out, and find inner love and forgiveness for himself, how much he could change his entire life around. He just needs to see and come back to reality just enough to register that the waterhose to put the fire's flames out he is already gripping in his hand. He can stop the burning so easy, so quickly and regain his life back, find his self love, just like I'm doing, he just has to chose the outcome he wants in life.

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survivorkomnata · 5 years

Text

Episode #7: "keep me because im so cute :3" - Zach

omg i forgot to confess bc i was so busy.... so this last round was honestly p straightforward. the ~international~ alliance stuck together. i feel bad cos liam is the loml but ): a girls gotta do what a girls gotta do.

lowkey pissed the other tribe didn’t send me to the basement. they can choke !

i’m nervous about the joint tribal bc let’s be real i’ll be going. i’m nervous for whatever tribe goes with us cos if it’s atilla i’m worried someone i’m close with will leave. tho honestly i would flip on stephen z. so we’ll see!

i’m feeling rly close to luke and i’m excited to potentially make merge w him (:

Winning this immunity challenge is a double-edged sword. I'm immune at what will probably be a chaotic joint tribal, and LIKELY going to be making it to the merge soon. At least I hope so. But there's two major drawbacks, and I want to talk about why I'm worried about each of them.

Number one is obvious, I can't socialize with the 4 Kato members that will be at this vote. They'll be meeting 4 more original Takagi members and potentially bonding with them while I'm sitting here in what is basically exile. I need to pay even more attention to my first impressions because these players are definitely going to have some kind of deal going before I show up.

The second is just as important. i won't be at this tribal council, meaning I can potentially lose an ally here without having any ability to change plans for the better. If Karth or Ally get voted out here, my game takes a huge hit. A hit that I might have been able to prevent if I was there with Jess and Alyssa.

But, I'm gonna enjoy this safety while it lasts. I want my last few moments away from the merge to be stress free, since I know things are really going to pick up once every piece is on the board.

i'm going to tribal for the second time this game, and it's a joint tribal. rip. i am riddled with fear and stress.

i don't think i should be targeted. i believe i've maintained a solid social game and appear as a benefit to most people. i trust karthik/tim enough to not vote me, and i think i've developed somewhat of a grounding with jake/miguel. though ally/stephen/luke may identify me as a physical threat, i think ally knows keeping me is best purely for a shield purpose.

however, there is that little voice in the back of your head. the one that says "you're a physical/social threat!" and "it's the (probable) last vote for premerge, why wouldn't they take out a threat???" - though i disagree with this logic in terms of how i feel/play orgs, you can never know until it's too late. personally, i'd be taking out a goat or someone who is playing a similar game as you. if you're a shield, take out a shield. if you're UTR social, take out another person who is UTR and social. you want to be the BEST at your role, and i don't think anyone is as big of a shield as me (atm, of course). maybe i'm overhyping my game (and p.s., in no way am i saying i'm playing a good game, i just mean physically im pretty dominant).

jake mentioned stephen being an endgame threat due to his social game and likeability. he (stephen) is someone i wouldn't mind taking out. i have no connection with him, and he has had a tendency to flip on alliances (confirmed by jake/miguel/ally; the TJ vote). it just seems too obvious.

as for my idol, i'm not sure. if the person i vote (stephen, whoever.) is idolled in any regard, i'm likely idolling. i am NOT leaving premerge with an idol - that's ugly. but it's a tribal with no advantage i fear most. i don't want to overthink it. i've wasted so many idols because i critiqued every little word + action. i want this game to be different. i'm totally using it tomorrow bc im a paranoid mess btw. but i truly would love to save this idol (if i'm safe, of course) for future use.

in the wise words (or title) of that one type of game at the killing floor in Murder Trivia on Jackbox Games:

decisions, decisions…

i KNOW I JUST I CONFESSED BUT

idk. my fear is that it's final 11 right now. merge is in the horizon. if this joint tribal (for me) was any earlier, i'd be more secured i think. they don't need me for tribal immunities anymore. so, what will they decide?? keep me because im so cute :3 or throw me in a ditch and call it a day.

OK SO FIRST SORRY FOR THE LACK OF CONFESSIONALS I'VE BEEN SO BUSY WITH MY 1st ever THEATRE PRODUCTION. And I haven't been able to talk to anyone at all which bites. I am lucky that my team sat me out for this challenge because I woulf have flopped but we flopped anyway lol.

NOW WE'RE AT A JOINT TRIBAL NNNNNNNNN and i do not approve. Jake talked to me and pushed the idea of staying with the 5 on kato 2.0. I totally agree with this but we just need to come up with a name…

By some miracle.... Attila came together this round and... actually..beat.... the... other... two... tribes. LIKE YASSSSS QUEEN YASSSS! I'm almost certain we will be merging next so it's always nice to know that you didn't suck enough to NOT make merge?

Speaking of merge, that's all up in the air for me right now. I still have no idea what my merge plan is.... I'd love to link up with Tim, Karthik, and Stephen but something tells me nothing is ever that simple. I can see a world where Tim, Karth, and Zach got extremely close. I can also see Tim's paranoia about me and Alyssa grow out of control and that's just something I'm going to have to deal with in this game. It's a fact.

I really want to end Zach's game FAST. I'm really afraid he's going to just keep winning immunities and that's going to suck.

Going forward I DO hope the trio of myself, Alyssa, and Stephen stick together but lord... I don't see that lasting very long either..

Let's just say... I'm prepared to get messy. Messica is here y'all!

Something fishy is going on here. So Zach is, without a doubt, the biggest physical threat in this game. Ally tells me the best way to move the votes is to vote out a threat. I say Zach. Ally says no, Karthik and Tim would never vote out Zach. But you just said we should target a threat... Oh, i see, you meant an OG Kato threat. Right, ok. Its worrying that Jake is being shady and lying to me when he really needs to open his eues and see that if he doesnt work with us then OG takagi is gonna vote us out 1 by 1

I’m going home but ive told ally i have an idol cause i might leave but ill be damned if i dont make an impact before i go

a timeline of my thoughts throughout this tribal that i’ll probably end up dying in for being messy: — 12pm: i’m worried about getting votes bc for jake and miguel i’m the only person they don’t know well miguel knows me obviously but not in game — 4pm: THESE PPL ARE ALL MESSY kato 2.0 is gonna control the vote and at this point i’m just gonna seal stephen’s fate byeeee i tried to get a majority but stephen is an idiot and only wants to vote zach so i’m going to go shove him under a bus to zach now and hopefully they’ll kill him ! — 5pm: jk i hate all of og takagi they can all choke stephen is gonna try and get all of og kato to vote together and i'm voting with them bc fuck zach fuck karth ! tim is ok we don't rly talk i'm gonna try to flip miguel i have low hopes but we'll see — 5:30pm: i’m being so messy but i don't even care bc i'm sick of being ignored by ppl who are allegedly!!! my allies!!! — 6pm: WHAT THE FUCK IS HAPPENINGGGGH I AM LOSING MY MIND I HATE ALL THESE PPL — 6:30pm: so stephen has an idol zach might have an idol let’s pray my messy ass isn’t getting votes for being a messy ass and maybe everything will be ok — 6:47pm: something feels weird. idk what. fuck survivor!

SO I JUST SAW THE MOVIE US. Oh and I will recap on that crazy joint tribal in a second but now I'm at CHILI'S. And I feel a merge in this Chili's tonight.

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Oh my GOD. Oh my G O D!!!!!!! We WON????? HOW????? I’m actually dead cuz we’ve been strategizing literally since yesterday about what we would do in a joint tribal situation. Like I was looking at the results just PRAYING Takagi lost and Anna Jane announced they did and I just felt a huge sigh of relief. But then she announced who was safe????? And it was Attila?? I??????? WOW. I’m just really happy. I mean it sucks I guess cuz now it’s one less round to meet new people and maybe it’ll put me at a disadvantage for the merge that may be coming but like???? My head not being on the chopping block is pretty. Um. YEAH! I’m hoping that they vote out Luke tbh... but I guess we’ll seeeeeeee. For now I’ll enjoy being safe!!!

Stephen W is voted out in a 5-3 vote. He becomes the first member of our jury.

#episode #escapenow

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