#the mangled trail of relationships in my wake and my seeming inability to deal with literally any of my problems i a m probably not fit

[prescienceofdawn]

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#my car is falling apart and so is whats left of my brain #i want companionship so badly but judging by #the mangled trail of relationships in my wake and my seeming inability to deal with literally any of my problems i a m probably not fit #i want to get better i want to get married and have a family and the whole fucking bit buti dont know who i am or how to relate to #other people in a normal healthy way #i dont know how to love people without extreme fear and paranoia and all the other shit that haunts my interpersonal relationships #i should have died i am not fit for any of this and probably never will be no matter how bad i want it #i dont know how to stop hurting myself and the people around me #i love so hard and all i have to show for it is pure insanity #its like the more i care the worse i fuck things up idk if some part me is intentionally self sabotaging just because im built to self #destruct i dont know what motivates me entirely like there are parts i understand but i feel like a wild animal in a trap that cant stop #biting everything that comes near it idk #i feel insane #i need to go to therapy Clearly but i am terrified of being too far gone #its like without my permission i’ve reverted back to my childself who reflexively sees the worst in everything and everyone in order to #keep myself emotionally distant and therefore emotionally safe #or something like that #idk #thats undeniably part of if #i mean ive been hiding for a long time #i dont think ive ever let another person know more than 70% of me #and that might be a generous percentage #but that 30% is that part that tends to control the decision and like #even i dont really know that guy i very pointedly dont look at him and dont let people know hom #because even i dont get that bitch and his lore makes everything way too complicated and painful id rather not #if keeping secrets from others kills intimacy and connection id say keeping secrets from myself may be responsible for my sense of constant #alienation my disconnect from Myself and probably a lot of other problems #how can i have a meaningful relationship of any kind when my fear and my ego dont allow me to let myself be known #how is it that i can house this much affection and inflict this much damage at the same time #my intentions and desires could not be more different from the shit i end up doing idk where it all goes wrong in me