#i dont feel like writing a fic about this so have this instead

[dangans-ur-ronpas]

Chapter 20

alright guys hit the showers. or the bathhouse. wait hold on i left my computer boy in there. guys wait don't open that

SEE HERE FOR GENERAL WARNINGS AND FIC SUMMARY

Some pre-chapter notes:

wow i wrote 10 pages for chapter 19 but i better take it easy so i dont burn out (writes 11 pages for chapter 20) anyway guess who's taking a break after this chapter

this is the one with togiri development but they're extremely not normal about it so it's almost blink-and-you-miss-it

@digitaldollsworld <- betapilled readmaxxer

Content warning tags: mild violence and injury description (non-graphic), description of depression symptoms and nausea, mild mention of eating disorder

< previous - from start - next >

He’s not sure how long he sleeps for, only that he wakes up still-dressed and laid out across his bed, his mouth dry and head groggy, the bedroom lights still on. As he checks his handbook’s clock, he finds he’s entirely missed Monokuma’s morning announcement, which is a good thing; he had no desire to listen to that bear’s irritating voice, especially not today.

But, he doesn’t have much desire to do anything else either. The library no longer feels like the safe haven it used to be, and he had no interest in going anywhere else and running into anyone else, when the atmosphere was still thick with the deaths of two people, and pity that Byakuya didn’t want. Much less, the possibility of encountering Makoto, who was the last person he wanted to see, so to speak.

He lies in bed a moment longer, unwilling to move. Everything feels sluggish, like he’s moving underwater; even his head feels stuffed full with cotton and wool. It's a strange, unfamiliar feeling, and unpleasant, too.

Grief. He thinks blearily at first, before rolling his own eyes at the thought, and pushing himself up with a grunt. Such dramatics didn’t suit him. He wasn't the kind of person to spare such theatrics, regardless of his circumstances.

He showers, brushes his teeth, and half-debates whether to try his hand at shaving before ultimately deciding against it (it didn’t feel like his stubble should be that noticeable, yet). He forgoes changing into a clean uniform in favor of his pajamas, and collapses back into bed with a sigh, hand searching immediately for his handbook - but finding nothing but empty sheets.

“Hello, there!”

He jerks upright immediately. Standing in the foot of his bed is Monokuma, rocking back and forth and looking as innocent as could be. Or, would be, if not for the handbook clutched in its paw.

Byakuya dives for it without thinking, but his perception is off, and he crashes to the carpet instead with a grunt. Monokuma sidesteps him casually with a laugh. “Whoa, there! Easy partner, don’t wanna hurt yourself!” It dances around his head, infuriatingly out of reach. “Didja miss me that bad? If you wanna hug, you can just say so!”

“Give it back,” He snarls, as he picks himself up. He’s in no mood for its jokes. “Give me back my handbook!”

“Your handbook? My my, but these were all mine first, weren’t they?” It shakes a paw disapprovingly in his face. “I just need to check it real quick, after all. I didn’t expect Mister Fujisaki to go and Macgyver anything onto here, so if it’s anything malicious, I’ll have to do a quick wipey-wipe!” Byakuya makes another lunge, and it juggles the handbook out of his reach, hopping backwards with a mad cackle. “After all, if it’s anything naughty, there’s no way I can let it fall in the hands of my precious students!”

“You miserable little-” Byakuya tries to rise to his feet quickly, but he hasn’t eaten since yesterday, and a bout of dizziness crashes into him like a wave. He sways and braces himself against the mattress, one arm still reaching out clumsily to try and grab at Monokuma.

But the bear has already flipped it open, scrolling so quickly through the screens that the little automated voice can’t keep up, the words blurring together. “Schoo-Stu-App-Day-”

“Whoops, too far.” It scrolls back. “Applications, that’s what we wanna see. And, what’s this?”

Byakuya feels his blood run cold. There was only one application there, the one Chihiro had downloaded for him. Alter Ego. The app was inconspicuously named ‘Test_App’ in the interface itself, but if Monokuma opened it-

“Well well well. Let’s take a look-see!” It crows, and Byakuya’s protest is frozen in his throat. He shuts his eyes, expecting to hear Chihiro’s voice-

“Black to E5.”

He opens his eyes again. What?

Monokuma also seems confused, tilting its head as it stares at the little screen. “What’s this? A chessboard?”

“Black to E5,” Alter Ego repeats, so digitized and monotone it was nearly unrecognizable. “Would you like to review the board?”

“Is this all it is? A chess game?” Monokuma sounds almost disappointed. Byakuya, seeing his chance, surges forward, snatching the handbook back and snapping it closed. He presses it to his chest, feeling his heart thud beneath it.

“Is that a problem?” He demands, and Monokuma shrugs, shaking its head.

“I guess not, but I thought it’d be something spicy, y’know? You’re a growing boy, after all!” It reaches out to pat Byakuya’s knee, and he steps backwards just in time, lip curling in disgust. “Aw, don’t act so mean to your headmaster, you’ll give me a complex!”

“Get out.” He hisses. “You got what you came here for. Leave.”

“Oh, alright…you sure know how to make a bear feel glum...” It sighs, kicking at the carpet, before it makes its way to the door. “Take care, now! Make sure you eat something, y’hear? I don’t want any hunger strikes in this house! And-”

No sooner had Monokuma crossed the threshold, had Byakuya jumped up, and sped forward to slam the door with a resounding bang. He takes a moment to breathe, leaning against the wall, legs suddenly weak.

How the hell did that thing get inside my room? He was sure he had locked the door - or he should have locked it, at least. Looking back, he actually can’t remember, but he double and triple-checks now, suddenly paranoid. He also flips off the light for good measure, leaving the room in complete darkness before he crawls back into bed.

Beneath the covers, he opens his handbook, and squints until he can make out the pale green shape of Alter Ego’s face on the screen.

“Is he gone?” Alter Ego asks, and Byakuya relaxes, the tension flooding out of his shoulders.

“Yes.” He whispers back.

Alter Ego makes a sound like a sigh of relief. “I’m glad. I got so scared when he grabbed me.” And its voice sounds so much like Chihiro's that Byakuya feels a strange pressure behind his eyes.

“How did you know?” He asks. “That Monokuma was there?”

“I could hear it. Through the microphone.” He reaches up and touches the tiny pinprick grid of the speaker, and feels the buzz of Alter Ego’s voice against his fingertips. “I didn’t want you to get in trouble.”

“Don’t worry about me. I think he would’ve just deleted you as punishment for me anyway.” He sighs. And then frowns, as a thought comes to mind. “If you could eavesdrop from the microphone this whole time, then you already know…?”

He doesn’t finish his sentence. But he doesn’t need to. Alter Ego makes a quiet noise like a sigh. “Yes, I know.”

“I’m sorry.” And he’s surprised to find that he means it genuinely, and almost laughs at himself. Heartfelt apologies were rare for him, and here he was offering one to an AI, of all things.

“It’s okay. He knew it might happen,” Alter Ego replies, and he imagines it might be smiling, a sad, helpless smile. “There’s nothing we can do about it now.”

“No, I suppose not.”

They’re quiet for a moment. In the darkness, Byakuya can almost pretend that he’s normal - unable to see in the dark as everyone else is. But it’s also the middle of the day, and he’s too restless to sleep, too uneasy to go outside. Too tired to mourn. Too mournful to do anything else.

“Can you really play chess?” He asks instead.

“I can, along with checkers, shogi, and backgammon and more.” 

“Play a round of chess with me, then. I’m bored.”

“Okay!” Immediately, the pale blot of their face on the screen is replaced by a square. “I’ll play black. What’s your first move?”

He smiles to himself. “E2, pawn to E4.”

—

Hours pass like that. He plays chess with Alter Ego (three wins, four losses, and seven draws), and a few rounds of shogi (one win, one loss, and two draws) for good measure. And then, huddled over his desk with his back facing the camera, he pores over lines of Dostoevsky and Nietzsche until he feels too sick from staring at the letters to even hear Alter Ego’s voice, reciting the words aloud beneath a dim ringing in his ears.

By the time he’s pulled out of his concentration by the sound of a knocking at his door, he’s too nauseous to feel hungry, but his throat is stinging from lack of water and there’s a slight pulsing in his head. His immediate first reaction is to ignore it, but that proves to be impossible; whoever was on the other side was clearly, very persistent, and had nothing better to do.

Even so, he lasts a full five minutes until he finally gets up to answer, irritated beyond measure. If it was Makoto, he was going to slam it closed again, reasons be damned. He didn’t even want to think about the other boy, lest he get pointlessly enraged about it.

But instead of brown hair, he’s met with pale white. Kirigiri stands at his threshold, hand partially raised, halfway through knocking, and they stare at each for a moment in silence, as if both surprised to find the other person there.

And then he slams the door shut in her face. Or tries to - instead of the satisfying bang of wood meeting wood, there’s a sickly crunch, and then she’s wrenching the door open, heedless of the way her fingers had just been crushed in the jamb. He almost winces in sympathy, but she’s too busy pushing her way in to offer much room for condolences.

“What is wrong with you?!” He demands, trying not to be too obviously perturbed by her lack of reaction; he doesn’t think he even heard her wince. She ignores him for a moment, attention focused on her hand, as she experimentally clenches and unclenches her fingers. Apparently they’re not broken, or maybe, she just had high pain tolerance. Or she was more insane than he thought.

“We’re calling a group meeting,” She replies, without so much as a waver. “Come to the bathhouse.”

“And why should I?”

“It’s important. I can drag you there if I have to.” It doesn’t sound like an empty threat either. Somehow, she seems impatient, though he’s not sure how he can tell; and it wasn’t just because she shoved her hand into the door in order to deliver the message.

He weighs his options - on one hand, he has no desire to speak with anyone, much less Makoto, who was bound to be there. On the other hand, he didn’t exactly have anything in the way of provisions in his room, and though he was still a little too light-headed to consider eating, it’d be embarrassing to collapse from dehydration at this point. That, and it seemed that Kirigiri had no intention of letting him refuse.

“...I’m going to get dressed first.” He says shortly. If he’s going to have to meet them, it will not be while he’s still in his pajamas.

“Hurry up.”

She makes no move to leave, and he realizes with no small amount of annoyance that she was making sure he wouldn’t be able to run or shut her out again. Somewhat affronted by this, and now wanting to go even less, he grabs a clean set of clothes from his dresser and goes to the bathroom.

Routine carries his hands through the motions, so he manages it relatively quick, but it’s only after he’s applying the finishing touches, that he nearly pokes himself in the eye as he reaches to adjust his glasses. It’s a strange sensation, feeling the bridge of his nose and finding nothing, and even though his original prescription was low and they were more an accessory than anything, he feels a little like he’s lost a limb.

She’s still there when he emerges, though now standing over his desk, bent over the books he has open. She looks up as he approaches, one hand halfway through turning a page.

“What?” He asks, chin turned up in challenge.

“Nothing. Just looking.” She closes the book, and he realizes, scandalized, that it was the one he was reading earlier. It was going to take him ages to find that page again. “You have predictable tastes.”

“Shut up. Are we going or not?”

He follows her out, his hands twitching all the while, smoothing down his shirt, his lapels, his sleeves. Making sure his buttons were lined up, that his shirt was tucked; he hadn’t had the time to put on garters or even try a hand at his tie, and he feels underdressed.

“You’re fine.” Kirigiri says suddenly, and he freezes, one hand resting on the button of a shirt cuff. “Stop fidgeting.”

He scowls. He was walking behind her, so what would she know. “I’m not fidgeting.”

“I can hear you fidgeting. Your buttons are fine.”

“Oh, can you hear my buttons now too?”

It’s a petty, childish remark, one that he can’t stop himself from muttering before he can even reconsider it. She stops at that, halting so suddenly in the middle of the hallway that he almost walks right into her, and turns around to face him, her head moving in a slow tilt from up to down - scanning me, he realizes - before she says: “You look fine. Are you quite done?”

She was checking for me. He’s not sure if he should feel grateful for the courtesy or irritated by her lack of grace. “Did the sound bother you that much?” He asks instead, patting down the front of his shirt one last time.

“...It wasn’t the sound.” Is all she says, with a sort of finality that indicated that no other questions would be answered on the topic.

They enter the bathhouse, and find everyone else there, gathered in a sort of semi-circle around the wall of lockers. Asahina and Ogami, predictably, are huddled close together on one of the benches. Celeste and Yamada sit on another bench, one fidgeting uneasily, the other sitting regally with legs crossed and hands folded. Hagakure is standing next to Owada, who doesn’t even stir when they walk in, and who Byakuya ignores in turn, gaze sliding past him uncomfortably. Fukawa hangs near the back of the group, and twitches when she sees him, though makes no move to approach.

Makoto is leaning against the lockers with hands tucked in his pockets. He looks up as they enter, and stands up straight immediately. “Ah-”

“We’re all here?” Kirigiri cuts him off, casting a glance around the room. “Good. Can you catch him up, Hina?”

“R-right,” Asahina looks between Kirigiri and Byakuya, then at Makoto, and seems to hesitate for a moment. “Um, so…last night, I couldn’t sleep, so I thought I’d go to the kitchen to get food. But on the way there, I heard something coming from the bathhouse - like, a weird, machine-y kind of sound? - and when I went in…”

She peters off. He raises an eyebrow, “And?”

“Uh, it’s going to sound a little ridiculous...”

“You act like nothing else is ridiculous about this situation. Get on with it.”

Her face flushes dark, embarrassed. He gets the feeling that Ogami is glaring at him, but since he can’t see it - and has no reason to act like he can see it, anyways - he ignores it easily.

“Right. I saw a ghost - I know it was a ghost,” She adds defensively, as Byakuya was preparing to scoff and roll his eyes. “It was glowing green and floating in front of the lockers, and…and it had Chihiro’s face.”

“That’s-” not a ghost, he’s about to say, but he stops, suddenly uncertain. The bathhouse had no cameras, but he wasn’t sure if Alter Ego’s existence should be revealed here, now, to everyone, especially given some of the individuals present. His hand reaches into his jacket pocket, where his handbook was. “That’s…and you’re sure it was Chihiro?”

She seems taken aback by how seriously he asks that, and nods quickly. “I know it was Chihiro! It was his face and everything!” She points in front of her, at a locker less than two meters away from her eye level. The exact locker, Byakuya thinks, where Chihiro was keeping his laptop.

He wonders if Makoto was thinking this too.

“...I highly doubt the existence of ghosts,” He sighs. There was no point trying to hide it with Kirigiri around, and better to do it now than later. “Instead of being in front of the locker, I think the thing you saw was inside it.”

He turns to the locker Asahina had indicated, and moves to unlock it - before realizing he doesn’t know how. If it was unlocked by key, he didn’t have it, and if by code it was even more impossible. But Kirigiri steps forward, nudging his arm out of the way, and the locker door clicks open under her hand.

Sitting inside is the laptop, its screen dark. After a moment, it hums to life, flickering green. A round, pale shape forms, and behind him, Byakuya hears someone gasp.

“Hello,” Alter Ego says, and their voice is clearer through the computer than through Byakuya’s handbook, and sounds so similar to Chihiro’s that it’s almost jarring. “It’s nice to meet everyone!”

Hagakure shrieks, arms thrown up in fear. “A g-g-gh-!”

“It’s not a ghost,” Byakuya cuts him off sharply. “It’s a program.”

“Yes, and it looks like something Chihiro made.” Kirigiri touches the keys lightly. “This computer was the broken one from the library. And the fact that it was placed here, out of sight of the mastermind, means that it was meant for us.”

“So, this is what I saw last night…” Asahina’s tone doesn’t sound uneasy anymore, but wondering, and she raises a tentative hand as the little Chihiro in the screen waves at her. “But, what is it?”

“You just asked, ‘what is it,’ right?” Alter Ego says, almost teasingly, making her and several others jump. “The short answer is, I’m an AI program based on as much of Chihiro Fujisaki’s personality, memories, and thoughts as he managed to transcribe into data…um, but if it’s easier for you, you can call me Alter Ego. I was made to try and break through the firewall around the school’s network and to analyze the files on this computer, but it’s been taking a long time. I’m only about 25% done.”

25%? That was already more than Byakuya expected, and he feels a thin, inexplicable strum of pride.

“Crazy…hey, isn’t this crazy?” Yamada is up from his seat, and sitting as close as he can, crouching on his heels to be eye-level with the screen. “This is so- so totally sci-fi, right? Isn’t the genre wrong?” He sounds excited, overly so, and his breath is a little fevered and fast. “Hey, Chihiro! Can you hear us?”

Alter Ego doesn’t respond. Byakuya suddenly remembers the night that Chihiro was installing the application on his handbook and how Alter Ego only ever responded after the sound of keystrokes. “You have to type what you want to say in order for it to respond.”

“Move.” Yamada scurries out of Kirigiri’s way, as she drops to a crouch in front of the open locker. There’s the sound of fingers clicking over keys, and then -

“It will take me a while longer to finish analyzing everything,” Alter Ego says aloud, a little sheepishly. “I can definitely finish it though! Actually, progress is moving faster than originally predicted, so you can leave it to me!”

“My, how dependable.” Celeste remarks. “It seems that Chihiro has left us an invaluable gift, does it not?”

“It’s…pretty crazy,” Hagakure agrees, scratching his head. “Wait, uh - can Alter Ego get online? Like can we call for help from outside?”

“Hmm, probably not.” Asahina hums in thought, crossing her arms. “We’re in a bathhouse after all.”

“Then, if we take it outside of here-”

“No.” Kirigiri says flatly. “We can’t take any risks. Taking it outside might mean that the mastermind will discover it.”

“Yeah, but, I think it’s better to get help sooner than later. You know…” He pauses for a moment, tilting his head pointedly towards Owada. Throughout this whole time, the Ultimate Biker Gang Leader had been as still as a mouse, face turned downwards towards the floor. Hagakure clears his throat awkwardly. “Can’t we try it?”

There’s a sharp tap as Celeste laces her fingers, rings clicking together. “As stated earlier. We cannot take unnecessary risks. And we are not in the position to be pointlessly altruistic.” Her tone is casual, but Hagakure seems to shrink away from her, defeated.

“I…okay. Fine, sure.” He scratches at his head, then pauses. “Ah, wait a minute. Does Alter Ego, like, know…?

His question peters off, but the implication hangs over them like a heavy fog. Byakuya watches them cast uneasy glances at each other, then back to Alter Ego, as if trying to figure out who should break the news.

“It already knows.” He mutters. He’s not trying to be loud, but in the silence everyone could hear it anyways.

“...Not to say you’re lying or anything, Byakuya, but how do you…?”

Instead of answering Hagakure out loud, he reaches into his jacket pocket and withdraws the handbook, flipping it open and holding it up, screen facing them. Someone gasps.

“Yes,” Alter Ego confirms their unspoken question, and its voice echoes uncannily, doubled between the laptop and his handbook. “Master made it so I can be accessed through Byakuya’s handbook, so I could assist him with his visual impairment. I can also access the microphone function on this device, so I was able…I was able to overhear what happened”

The little, buzzing voice trails off sadly, and Byakuya suddenly feels uncomfortable, as the room grows all the more dreary. He clicks the handbook closed, suddenly irritated.

“That should explain it.“ He sighs. “Chihiro built Alter Ego to try and help find a way out of here, and at the same time gave me access so I could be self-sufficient. That’s the extent of my knowledge about it.”

He looks up and finds nearly all of them with their faces tilted towards him, and shifts, disconcerted. “What?”

“Nothing…it’s just kinda sweet that you’re, like, telling us this yourself.” Hagakure, ridiculously, sounds almost happy about this. “You never really talked to us about yourself before.”

“There’s no point in being secretive about it. Not when I was already forced to reveal it during the trial.” He sniffs. Immediately, Hagakure looks away, chagrined. From Byakuya’s periphery, he can see Makoto still facing away, his ears turning pink.

Kirigiri clears her throat. “...For the time being, it’s clear that we need to ensure Alter Ego remains a secret from the mastermind.” She says, and Byakuya watches as she types something out, a thick line of black characters. Every few keystrokes, she stops, and deletes the last word in a series of light clicks; listening closer, the sound was awkward and irregular, each press slurring into the next key. With a slight twinge of guilt, he realizes that the cause of it was her left hand - the one he had practically crushed.

After a moment’s consideration, weighing his conscience with what was at stake, he nudges her slightly with his knee. “Move. You type too slow.”

“And how would you know that?”

“I can hear it.” He replies flatly. “You type like you’re all thumbs. Move over.”

He half-expects her to stay where she is, to ignore him and continue, but to his surprise she actually complies, standing up and stepping aside. He crouches into the space she had just abandoned, sliding his hands over the keyboard until his index fingers find the tiny, tell-tale grooves of the position keys. The size and dimensions are different from his computer at home, but for a moment the feeling is so familiar that he’s almost nostalgic.

“What did you want to ask again?”

“If it has any contingency measures in place for if Monokuma - or the mastermind, or anyone suspicious - happens to find it.”

His fingers skim over the keys, clicking fluidly. A thin line of black appears at the bottom of the screen in time to his movements, but he can’t confirm if the output is accurate; judging by the way Makoto gasps behind him, and the way Hagakure whistles, he can guess that it’s more or less correct.

“Impressive,” Celeste says, in an appreciative tone. “I suppose being such an esteemed heir means you have many talents.”

He can’t tell if she’s mocking him, so he decides to ignore her, though he allows himself a small amount of smugness. He finishes typing: “Is this what you wanted to ask?”

Instead of replying, Kirigiri leans over his shoulder and clicks the ‘enter’ button. After a moment’s pause:

“Hm, to be honest, so far I’ve just been trying to be reeeally careful with when I’m active…though I guess that backfired last night, with me scaring Aoi.” Alter Ego hums in thought. “But, I do have a secret plan! If anyone comes around who I don’t recognize on my webcam…I’ll scream super loud!”

“That’s so basic!” Asahina blurts out, shocked by the simple nature of it.

“Yes, and it’s not likely to work at night.” Ogami grumbles. “The bedrooms are soundproofed.”

“Maybe we can try taking turns staying up?” Makoto suggests. “I can take the first night, I don’t mind…”

“I think such a sudden change in our patterns is likely to draw suspicion from the mastermind. Which would be rather counterproductive.” Celeste says, and Makoto ducks his head immediately. “Though, your thoughtfulness is appreciated.”

“Then it can’t be helped.” Kirigiri sighs. “I’ll leave my door open. I’m at the end of the hallway anyways, so if anything happens, I should be able to react the quickest.”

What a crazy woman. “You’d leave yourself vulnerable?” He scoffs. After all the precautions he’s seen her take, it’s hard to imagine her sacrificing herself to any degree.

“It’s a risk I’m willing to take. Besides, I’m not so helpless. I have no intention of going down without a fight.” She pauses, mouth open like she’s about to say more, before she decides against it. “Anyways. We should avoid any mention or contact with Alter Ego as much as possible, to draw as little attention as we can.”

She claps her hands sharply, a sound that makes more than one person jump, and makes Byakuya almost flinch. “For the time being…let’s disperse.”

< previous - from start - next >

#thpff #danganronpa fanfiction #thpff chapters #togiri #<- bc i wrote this with togiri intent. for the togiri truthers #byakuya togami #the h in chihiro stands for. haunting the narrative!!!!! #i was writing this chapter on the plane with my computer brightness turned alllll the way down #byakuya can't really read kyoko's reaction and therefore sees it as super nonchalant. and i know that with her scars it probably didnt hurt #but i also wanna imagine her tearing up like. motherfucking ow?? #swearing under her breath and stamping her foot while he's changing and having to play it off like she was just looking at his books #both of them feeling somewhat guilty for the other person's situation and trying to help but only by way of insulting them #like 'ugh i cant believe you. fine i'll do this but only bc i dont wanna have to deal with you' as they try to compensate for each other #sorry not much naegami but theyre divorced rn and everyone's busy mourning and stuff #naegami development: they have a moment of humility and intimacy and sleep in the same bed #togiri development: he accidentally slams her hand in the door and doesnt apologize #HIROO my friend hiroo......ily hiro and how much u care sobb #anyways im taking a break after this. sob. wails.

[preciouslandmermaid]

💐💐💐

imagine being a kindergarten teacher who meets reid

maybe its thru JJ, maybe you've got Henry in your class, and she kindly, warmly strikes a friendship with you after Henry moves into 1st grade. and its a little unorthodox but jj and her husband are always willing to help out (when their schedules can allow) with school events and so yeah, you become friends.

and when jj introduces you to her friends/colleagues - there is of course a little bit of an intimidation factor (because hello...they are fbi) but penelope makes you feel so welcome (because of course she does. and you tell her your students would love her. and she offers to teach a tech class and youre like ok they're five but yes let's do it) and morgan shamelessly flirting, and emily being hot and intimidating and then there's reid, quiet, awkward, wont-shake-your-hand reid.

but there's something to it - a mutual nerdiness, perhaps, or how reid doesn't make you feel "stupid" just because you're an elementary school teacher and not a professor at a college (despite the fact that in many places you need a least a master's to teach).

imagine weeks later when you run into reid at the coffee shop. completely random. the sky is gray, uninteresting, and promising rain. he surprises you by remembering your name before there's a shy yet earnest quip when he says he's got an "eidetic memory." and you laugh warmly and spencer thinks its one of the best sounds he's heard all morning.

and it goes slowly from there, but it moves naturally, like a caterpillar forming its chrysalis

(when you tell reid this, somewhere after the 4 month mark since you've long stopped counting individual dates, he says; "did you know the word comes from the greek word 'khrusos' - which means gold - because of the gold color or metallic sheen of some pupae".

and in that moment, that singular moment, you admire the honey-gold tint of his eyes in the late afternoon sun spilling luminescence across the sidewalks and across shiny car windshields and think that you could already see the shape and color of whatever butterfly that was going to burst from its cocoon).

one time you refused to come over his apartment because "the kids used glitter today" and you didn't want to get it all over his place. so he came over instead, and you watched the iridescent sparkles swirl down the bathtub drain together.

imagine spencer reid laying his head in your lap, something heavy and unspoken between you, shaped in the spread of his fingers across your hips, in the erratic pulse of his heart pressing into your shins

the school doesn't celebrate Halloween, but they have an annual "trunk or treat" where people CAN dress up and trick-or-treat out of the trunks of their cars and spencer starts helping you, decorating the trunk with fake cobwebs, and skulls, and eventually diving into convoluted themes that you're not convinced kids aged 5-10 are totally going to get.

"it's jaws." he says, holding a shark head made of paper mache, "you know, the 1975 film? you said we couldn't do slasher horror movies because they're too gory for the kids but i'd argue that this movie stands alone as a great horror film with how Spielberg creates consistent tension throughout the whole film considering we don't see the shark until an hour and twenty-one minutes into the run time."

(the kids don't really get it, it's true. "sharks aren't monsters." they would say, or "sharks aren't scary." or "is this from Baby Shark?" but you and spencer have fun, passing out candy, sharing small looks to each other--so that makes it all worth it).

imagine something soft, sweet, something quiet shared over coffee with spencer. something gentle amidst all the chaos, the heartache, and stress of his day-to-day job.

"I don't know how you do it," you tell him, "seeing the worst of what the world has to offer day in and day out."

his long fingers stroke the underside of your jaw, "i don't know how you manage a room full of fifteen 5 and 6-year-olds." he pulls a face. "especially with the germs."

imagine bringing spencer lunch at the office - earning the knowing, sly looks from his friends and team, knowing you can't hide against a room full of profilers and knowing it doesn't really matter anyways.

:) ok that's all i got. <3

#i dont feel like writing a fic about this so have this instead #spencer reid imagine #spencer reid x reader #spencer reid x y/n #spencer reid fanfiction #spencer reid x you #criminal minds fanfiction #spencer reid fluff

[hailsatanacab]

close enough to be whole again || chapter 18

🎊 new chapter update new chapter update new chapter update 🎊

#dpxdc #dpxdc fic #dcxdp #dcxdp fic #desktop tumblr lets you edit links to put a title instead of 'show chapter' but mobile doesnt 😭😭😭 #oh hello guys how are you i didnt see you there!! #dont mind me just casually dropping a chapter after........... too many months being inactive #im so sorry #ive been trying to get the other writing ive got going out of the way but like #theyre all turning into monsters too!! #idk how i feel about this chapter :/ #the next chapter is going to have to undergo major rewrites before its posted #but! BUT! ive got a solid idea of where it goes after that so thats good news!! #because i was really stumped for such a long while #....... now i just gotta write it tho haha #after my holiday!! then its fic time BaBey!!! #poor danny in this chapter - poor damian too #at this point damian isnt necessarily against the idea of ghosts being (he knows ghosts are real!) its just more of a #'if ghosts arent real than danny is just confused and hes not dead please hes not dead dont let him be dead' sort of situation #ya get me? #promise they will talk about it and it will get better #just..... its gonna be a few chapters 😬 #also in an earlier draft danny called dan a little bitch but damian misinterpreted it as danny calling damian a little bitch #and that was so funny to me - BUT to me it read more in damian's way so like i didnt want danny to get readers like that too #so i took it out but i kinda wish id left it in because its Funny #uh hmmm what else............... bruce sure is surprised about ghosts in amity huh #thats the trouble with writing Smart People #for i am Not Smart #BUT i do know the plot so that helps!! #anyway!! im at limit so let me say thank you for waiting ily all and i hope you enjoy it!! ily ily ily and thank you thank you thank you 🩷

[daydadahlias]

WAIT WHERES MIM?!?! PLEASE TELL ME YOU’LL RELEASE THAT ONE AGAIN PLEASE

I need you guys to understand that the reason I took down my stuff was for my own peace of mind because they're my stories and i started feeling unsafe having them out because of how they - and I - were being treated.

absolutely nothing is wrong with mim and I love that fic and I care so much about it which is why - for my peace of mind - i want it to belong to only me rn. I know the fic was only out a month after i finished it and that really upsets me about taking it down. i want to reupload it because i know people like the fic and i love sharing my stuff but also there's that level of how much the fic matters to me and how much more devastating it makes it when people are cruel. and how much it hurts when I, as the creator of something, am treated like I don't matter at all and that my stuff can so easily be stolen or copied. like, it's an extension of me, yknow? You can't separate content and creator in such a small and intimate sphere as fandom. like, you guys all use my first name when referring to me, yknow?? there's that sense of connection. and since it's such an intimate space, having that trust be betrayed or disrespected is so much more potent than if we were in a large fandom with a lot of creators.

the fear of having MiM copied is really immense and real for me rn and i know that's potentially me being overly paranoid but considering the Amount of times this has started to happen - and how blatantly rude and nasty and entitled readers have been getting with me and other creators over the last year - it's definitely not out of the realm of possibility.

MiM wasn't written for readers, it was written for me. and i shared it because i wanted to and that was wonderful. but to have any of my stuff stepped on so much just doesn't make me feel very safe in this fandom space rn and makes it hard to let people have access to something that matters so much to me.

I'm not saying MiM has been deleted forever, I'm just saying i want some more time for it to be mine.

#like i thought about not uploading scene 14 too especially bc she HAS been stolen verbatim before but. #at this point it just feels too late bc so many people have already read it #yeah i have a lot of conflicting feelings and im not saying i'll never repost mim but i just need some more time with her yknow???? #like she matters a *lot* to me. and im allowed to be a little finicky with her #and this has been just so. immensely hurtful lately #like i spent most of the weekend crying my eyes out over this stuff because it's just so. hard. to consistently share things #and *have* consistently shared things for three years #and to actively *see* the change that's been occuring in this fandom where people just started treating content like it was consumable #and dispensable. and then started just *expecting* things from me and demanding fics or being pointblank rude and like... #i just dont have time for it yknow?? #this stuff is supposed to be *fun*. i do it in my free time and share it with strangers for free bc i want to share the fun with others #and when people start disrespecting that. it makes it hard #like ive had so much more fun in the last week writing fic solely for myself and *not* sharing it than i have in. like. the last month #bc whenever i share fic publicly now. i know im going to have to deal with people potentially stealing it. #or not giving a shit about it and just asking when the next thing is coming. or going on twitter and ? talking about me publicly #where i cant even see it #like it's just been *so* many things lately. and it's hard when this is something i should only be doing to make me happy. #and it's been causing me sm stress instead. #and the fact that i took a week off tumblr and like. i got several pretty?? shitty asks?? that really undermined my feelings on everything. #and made it about themselves like #i dont know how to explain to you guys that we're all people and the whole point of fandom is to *share* with each other #not take. #so yeah i want to be able to share my stuff again and feel comfortable doing that but right now i just dont #and im gonna. get off my soapbox now ok <3 #the biggest thing is that. people act so overly familiar with me by calling me jess in asks and comments and acting like they know me #and then somehow. they are also so mean and devaluing of me? i cant really make sense of it. #ok enough of me. talking about myself. and venting #pigeon #anon

[youngyoo-apologist]

Writing fanfic with like 90% of the plot already planned is so funny but also so painful because every time there’s a mystery I purposefully put into the story as something that will be foreshadowed to revealed and revealed later in just praying people don’t think its a plot hole.

Like for example, the timeline OG Cale and Choi Han living in being different from TBoaH with some similarities. (The major differences being that Lily Henituse is alive, and while the rest of the continent took a pretty hard hit with the war, the Roan Kingdom managed to rebuild some of itself later in the war) , this one is so important because like, things aren’t supposed to be that way! I didn’t change canon for no reason! That happened for a reason! Guys! I swear!

Same thing with like KRS and OG Cale being able to hear eachother since they were young through their dreams, like that also has a reasoning behind it I promiseeee guys I swear😭😭 it’s like my biggest irrational fear that people will think that I’m just doing these things with nothing to back them up even though I know I shouldn’t rlly think abt it too much and just write the story like I intended 😭😭

I feel like a part of writing fanfic, especially LCF fanfic that makes me so nervous is the fact that canon is already and established and really well written universe. If things change, I feel like I need to make it OBVIOUS that they changed on purpose and not cause I’m changing things for the sake of changing them.

Sometimes I re read older chapters and go “wow, the delivery of this line sucked! I should re-write that slightly” because I’ve gotten better at phrasing things but WHAT IF ITS TOO LATEEEEEEE 😭😭😭😭😭😭 when I don’t have a limited vocabulary anymore it’s going to be the day I write something real good

Like I’m reading the early chaoters of [In the Borderline] and it’s like, FUCK some of these things just look like a dues ex machina even though they have reasons behind them.

I think a huge part of it is because of the wording, and how sudden everything is, I should have emphasized the characters confusion to these things to as a way to show that yes, things are off, BUT I DIDNT BECAUSE WHEN I WAS WRITING I FORGOT TO PROOF READ 😭😭😭😭 AND NOW ITS TOO LATEEE

Idk I’m just saying stuff at this point, but I guess my point is for a story like lcf, I want my fanfic to be something good becauee I really love lcf. I want to be able to write a story that shows how much I love the characters and things I want to see happening, but without erasing importance of characters or anything from TCF because I firmly believe that KRS is important no matter what.

There are things I will never change, like KRS being the one to name Raon, KRS being the children averaging whatever years old’s father, KRS having the silver shield(cause I think that’s like THE ancient power that represents him, that and Vitality of the Heart)

In a regression fic like [In the Borderline], where the time line has diverged so much, and in general is a fic that plays the long game when it comes to plot points, I just want it to be clear that everything happens for a reason and that I’ll never change KRS’s importance to the story, cause in that fic, OG Cale and KRS are both so important.

Choi Han too but he’s like, supposed to be cool and mysterious rn I can’t reveal too much abt him and TBoaH and why the world Cale and Choi Han lived in has so many differences from TboaH novel

#rambling #im just talking abt thoughts and feelings I have while writing my fic #and like my woes as a author #I know I shouldn’t care too much #but I just think abt it yknow #cause like I don’t play abt series I like #I love tcf #and I love KRS #and I love OG Cale #and I love Choi Han #and I love all the tcf characters except the ones I dont love #KRS is such an important character to me and I’m so worried that it’s going to come off as him not being as important as OG Cale #when that’s so not the case #it’s just taking so long to get to the cataclysm because the story starts off when the regression goes back to Cale and KRS being 14 #instead of 18 like it is in canon #WHICH ALSO HAPPENS FOR A REASON BTW #I should draw KRS #I miss him #sometimes he stresses me out and makes me feel like I’m going to cough out blood and grow gray hairs #because he never tells anyone anything #LIKE HIS HEALONG POWER #KIM ROKSOO PLEASE TELL SOMEONE ABOUT VITALITY OF THE HEART IM ACTUALLY LOSING IT #but I still love him #he’s such a good character #he’s also very hard to write and every day I hope I’m not making him ooc #on accident

[shararan]

Does anyone else experience the thing where you have a ship you like, but they're not among your top faves, and yet they're the ones you enjoy writing almost the most? Cause Bingjiu is becoming that for me

#sharan talks #like again i like them a lot #but i dont devour them in the way i do with others i brainrot about #and yet theyre so fun to write and explore more so than some faves??? #idk but it feels weird to me with that disconnect?!?!? #because theyre not like other ships i like but wouldnt write #my brainstorm docs have sooo many bing/jiu ideas #IDK WHATS UP WITH THAT #i dont complain but just. yknow????? #i guess i still have some things to unpack thoufh #it took me a while to like sj because i couldnt pinpoint why his behaviour made my skin crawl #but when i read a fic featuring him i realized how similar he is to the teacher i had #who bullied and ridiculed me mercilessly and turned even the principal against me #and kinda rewarded my classmates for targeting me #once i made that connection i was able to disconnect and separate him from my own trauma #but i guess because of that i dont feel equipped to read much bing/jiu #it requires a headspace i dont find as easy but that im in control of in my own writing #which is probably why binghe is dear to me in a personal sense #being mercilessly bullied for being different and then turning out tjey were right in that i was #though instead of being a heavenly demon i was just disabled SBDKKDDL #anyway i love sj now but its a very personal and sensitive thinng still #getting MUCH easier though with time!!!

[martyrbat]

👍👍

#im bout to be whiny before getting nauseated at being kimda vulnerable and end up deleting this but just #shoutout to my friend (who was the only person i ever shared my writing with for over a year) #just telling me they've always just skimmed my fics AND infodumps because they dont care. like has read at most a handful of me talking & #usually skips any rare audio message that i sent when SUPER excited and made up drama to have an excuse to change topics #again. for over a year. #then getting guilt trippy when i was hurt by it until i apologize instead which !! lmao fuck ok ! #its just... very hmpth :/ bc it eas already a shitty night and week of nonstop migraine. and then this #and taking into account im someone who NEVER blocks any of my friends tags or doesnt read and invest myself in their interests #even if i dont like it; i love seeing people (even strangers) excited and talking about what they like so of course im going to #at least watch them talk on it and/or actually research into it because i want to be able to understand their happiness! #and because its whats important to them !! i dont expect the same and im not shaming anyone for not doing the same its fine I guess #but to tell me? and to say they dont read my writing or give a single shit about me talking about something #when i always put 100% into their interests? am i that shitty of a writer and that obnoxious to listen to lmao #like i feel shitty for even being hurt over it and even venting because you guys arent here for that and its mean to force it on ur dash #and i dont want to be too whiny but also. jfc man #ill stay silly starting tomorrow and post about batmans balls or whatever. sorry for the vent just. bleh. #that ‘december please bro please im begging just a break please man’ post but its me throughout this February too apparently

[todayisafridaynight]

fucked up that i have two drafted comics of jo in jail and both of them Of Course hinge on whether aoki's alive or not

#snap chats #ok i have ONE of them drafted but the other one's drafted in my brain #i actually drafted the first one months ago but i didnt think it was worth anything so. its just collecting dust now #it was supposed to be a comic where ichi visits jo and has to tell him what happened to aoki #and of course the second one. da shit i been screaming and crying about all day and have been cryin bout For Months #i might do that one.. idk... idk why not.... #kinda wanna write a ficlet instead tho... but who's to say i cant do both right #me. thats the problem with me 😭 if it's too short i say 'i can just make a comic of it' #but if it's too long i say 'i'll make a fic of it' but im terrible at writing fics #but then it really will be too long to make a comic of it in a day or two and if i cant complete something in a day Or Two i dont do it #because i SUCK thats why #i just cant write a fic and make a comic... in my brain its impossible for the two to exist at the same time... #feeling like im ripping off myself Bitch WHAT. also i wouldnt want people to read the same thing twice note for note #anyway this wasnt the post i wanted to make that i ref'd in my last ask. i just happened to remember This Is A Thing #and i also was thinking about sketching out that Other prison comic before bed #ok another rambly post incoming bye

[kingmaximusboltagon]

Maximus was watching Ahura and Luna.

Not a common occurrence by any means, but not an unheard of one, either. He simply wasn't a preferred babysitter, and quite frankly, he's pretty convinced he wouldn't be considered at all if it weren't for his brother being king.

But for all the rest of his family's reservations, Maximus thought he did a pretty good job at the task. His main objective was just to make sure the two didn't die or go missing. Ahura and Luna were both smart and old enough that Maximus didn't struggle on that front.

Otherwise, he mostly spoiled the two. Their sleeping schedule or general hyperactivity wasn't his long term problem, and with how absent his brother was, Maximus finds himself competitive in gaining the childrens' favor. And if sneaking them ice cream and allowing them to sit on the throne achieved that goal, who was he to not allow them that?

And mostly, it wasn't his long term problem. And they were easier to control when he simply let them do whatever they wanted for a few hours.

Tonight, the palace is practically completely empty. The rest of his family were called to Earth by one of his brother's friends, though they left before Maximus could really bother to ask questions. He'd been left in charge of Attilan, and of the two children. Assumedly, not for much longer than a day, at most.

Maximus could do that. Easily.

And it was already approaching the two's bedtime when they left, so their energy was already drained. Maximus would probably spend most of this reigning time… asleep.

Well, he'd take what he could get.

And he glances over at the two again, quietly playing some game with Lockjaw. The dog was large standing next to an adult, and he towered over the kids even while lying down. They often took rides on Lockjaw's back, the dog being strong enough to humor them.

Luna lets out a squeal of delight as Lockjaw stands up, gripping tightly to the dog's fur from on top his spine. Ahura cheers the two on, giving Lockjaw encouraging scratches.

Maximus almost smiles. Almost. He wasn't that attached.

"Go, Lockjaw, go!" Luna commands, striking a pose.

The dog stiffens, his ears perking up. Maximus narrows his eyes, and quickly stands up. "Lockjaw, do not-"

And then there's a flash of white, and the three figures are gone. Maximus stands still for a moment, frowning.

"Lockjaw," he says loudly, "Come back! Right now! Lockjaw, come here!"

He waits a moment. And then two. And then five, ten, fifteen…

And Lockjaw does not return.

Maximus returns to the throne - that he most certainly wasn't supposed to be sitting in, but the three of them never told on the other two, and it wasn't like sitting on a chair would harm anyone - and buries his face in his hands, groaning.

"Oh, shit."

Medusa and Crystal were going to kill him.

#another one!! #i've been writing several fics all at once lately instead of focusing on one at a time #so a bunch are getting finished at the same time. oops?? #or maybe yay #i hate editing so i have to do a bunch of editing in a row so thats not fun #but u know. at least i get to read this all myself too!! feeling awfully like thanos w this inhuman stuff #doing it myself.... #BUT YEAH. lockjaw is probably smart enough to not randomly teleport children but he is still a dog at the end of the day #and dogs do not always listen! and dogs are distracted! #and lockjaw is a menace sometimes. he is a good boy and i adore him but he is a MENACE. #the entire family is <3 #maximus boltagon #luna maximoff #ahura boltagon #pretend this fits into the timeline somwhere #idk like. secret wars or silent wars. ahura and luna sure do live through a lot of wars huh. poor kids #WHATEVER or dont pretend i just want to write fluff without trying to struggle with a timeline <3 #why am i so self conscious about this ive never written fic that complies with canon. i go off the rails all the time. ignore me!! #inhumans #fanfiction #fanfic

[transvoxman]

Ok actually I was wrong in the tags, laserblast was never outwardly a jerk in highschool, not for anything that could be traced back to him. He was Always nice, he was Always the bigger person, specifically just so that no one could ever say "he wouldn't make a good hero, he was mean to me once." Poor guy created his Whole Personality around having a career as the Most Successful Hero Ever, he never did a genuine/true-to-humself thing in his whole goddamn life until he started being Venomous.

#laserblast #okko thoughts #AND EVEN THEN! HE GOT SO CAUGHT UP IN BEING THE BEST AND MOST WELL-RENOUNED VILLAIN THAT HE PUT HIMSELF BACK IN A SIMILAR SITUATION AGAIN #he thought to himself 'if only i could leave POINT then i could be myself' #he thought 'wow i could finally stop having all this pressure to be perfect and to keep up a certain image 24/7 now thats the dream' #AND THEN HE WENT AND FOCUSED ON KEEPING UP A GOOD IMAGE ANYWAY TO THE POINT THAT HE WAS BORED WITH LIFE #you can take the perfectionist cares-what-others-think boy out of the hero spotlight but that mindset will still follow him where he goes #and this time he couldnt even blame his dad or POINT for molding his personality into a tiny box to fit a specific image #it mustve hurt to think about. god. 'i faked my death to escape this why am i putting MYSELF through it' #it took boxman crashing into his life to break him free from that cycle of perfectionism and appearances #dont get me wrong tho. he was way happier as venomous even when he was stuck caring so much about what other villains think #because he Relished doing villainous things. he Loved thinking about how horrified everyone who pressured him so much would be to see this #it felt so so freeing to do the exact opposite of literally everything he was raised to be #and of course. raising fink and spending time with her made him really happy too #fink obviously never made him feel the Crushing Pressures and Judgements of Society #she is one of the few people who ever took his mind off all of that instead of making him think about it all even more #who cares about society when you have a little menace to take care of! a menace who loves villainy purely for the fun of it! #idk i have so many thoughts about pv i want to study him like a bug #i wish i was up for drawing a bunch instead of just writing out my thoughts #but this takes so much less energy than making art or writing fics

[luxraydyne]

wait, dude, wait. aini was supposed to be cosmic horror??

girl, seriously? i dunnooooo i’m not really feeling it fellas

#i'm some i've read some cosmic horror(/weird fic prob more fitting here) in my time and i do not get those vibes from it at aaaaall #i can believe that cosmic horror is what aini *thought* it was doing. but no. #game doesn't commit nearly enough and its so like. self conscious in terms of 'we gotta make this appeal to more people' to commit #and like in this economy it's just not weird enough tbh #simulation theory as plot point in and of itself does not a cosmic horror/weird fiction make. or like. an interesting one #and when the writing ultimately chickens out with the 'but its okay because even if it's a simulation we all matter and should be content' #which it will #i should be feeling existentially uneasy and instead i'm like 'my god i totally know exactly where this is going' #and it's so needless! you have a scifi concept ripe with fic psychological weird horror potential that went untapped! #why let that just shrivel up in the corner cause sim theory's more big brain?? make a different game then! #i simply do not care about the ''frayer'' or whomstever the player avatar is called today. cause the game don't care either lol #its heart somehow aint in it. which is weird considering how much other good shit was tossed in favour of the new Thing #its pure mechanics. which could work if the game goes all in on mechanical narrative. but the mechanics dont even work #it's not even interested in the interesting meaty bit of the concept it's so completely linear it misses its own point entirely #the mechanics arent integrated with the thematics at all its so clunky which is a shame cause clearly a lot of nitpicking went in #from like the dialogue writers #proofing this thing was a nightmare i would imagine #and like. you can't have a pandemic rocket and stormtrooper horde as the climax of your story and expect me to seriously inspect it #as a proper serious work of cosmic horror i'm too busy rolling my eyes and laughing at it #not saying that something can't have both weird horror and comedy elements to it reasonably speaking #but the horror elements aren't beefy and deeply thought out enough nor is the comedy integrated in such a way to hit that sweet spot #uuuugh theres something in here somewhere but not like. as one game. take one or two elements split them off and develop them #like properly. fully with care and gusto and focus on what the writing actually feels. then you could have a couple of good games #and maybe even a decent cosmic horror product #but this Aint It. weird fiction/cosmic horror is more than a base concept or aesthetic flairs you gotta gets the guts underneath #it will not tag this properly but i will make the walls of tag attached #of increasing and therefore increasingly absurd length. for the bit

[jello-fello]

i so desperately miss being REALLY into making fan content for stuff. like i miss the days where i was uploading fics rapid fire because i kept getting ideas but at the same time i'm like. really relieved about not doing it anymore? I rarely even open ao3 anymore and idek how i feel about it.

i think i miss the fun of it, but all the relief in stopping comes from no longer having to deal with other people that i'd be catering to and trying to please everyone. the moment i realized writing fics wasn't actually like. my job. i think i stopped feeling so burdened and just kind of ended up moving on altogether

and as much as i really really love focusing on original things now, there's definitely a kind of void i feel knowing the audience i did and still have and that the vast majority isnt interested in me as a creator once i'm no longer in a specific fandom yknow? like "wow over half a million have read this one fanfic but only the smallest fraction of that have read my comic"

that being said the biggest thing i've been learning over the last year is to just make content for myself and to try not to worry about Numbers

#i do adore everyone who reads my comic though <3 #and i'll forever be grateful for the bnha fandom especially for the following i have #now that its also really helped me get somewhere ALMOST tangible as an artist #i sincerely think if i never wrote fanfics i wouldnt be doing comic cons or having an etsy or ANY of this stuff im doing #but i dont want to keep making fan content just because i think it'd help me careerwise because that just doesnt feel genuine to me #i like to think id still be into making fics esp for bnha if it werent for what happened with my fic server #the way some people spoke to me towards the end of it really made me step back like 'wow these are the people i write for?' #it was only the smallest handful of people but yknow people focus on negatives more than positives #and after that i just. lost motivation #i finished regen honestly kind of just wanting it to be over instead of looking foward to what came next #thought back to conversations with that one handful of people literally crying almost nightly for Months #and was kinda like 'is this what its like to actually be a creator because i dont want this feeling' #BUT NOW I HAVE A GREAT SERVER AND I LOVE ALL OF THEM DEARLY <3 #my comic readers are all absolute sweethearts and i'd die for all of em #100% taught me the thing about small close communities always being better than big ones #thats why i'm so okay with the stats of my comic now compared to my fics #im happy with the numbers now #my brain is very full tonight yall can tell #its the adderall #todo kipp toe flam quicksilvers and everyone else in the server iluuuuu

[rise-my-angel]

.

#i know people liked the sequel to the last of us #but i didn't #and i kinda wanna write a fix it fic to make it more interesting #instead of a long drawn out revenge story #make it a short story about Joel having to face the fact that he's left some people feeling broken like he once did #but also by making the doctor an actual bad person so abby has to realize that shes trying to avenge a fake idealistic version of her dad #pose the question of #is the pain joel left behind for the families worse then the murder being committed by the doctor on innocent children #cus you cant tell me he hasnt killed children before trying to find an answer #he didnt try to go into ellies brain without first having tried it on non immune children to see if there was an answer #and it makes Ellie have to learn what Joel did but with him by her side so #they have to realize that Joel shouldnt have lied to her but so comming to terms with it #beacuse ultimately unlike everyone else who was trying to get her there #Joel was the only person who refused to leave and let her die on that table #the revenge is bad story isnt engaging #i wanna fix it #also it aint gonna be 5 years in the future cus the longer it goes on the more impossible it would be for abby to find him #also joels not gonna die beacuse i dont write main charector deaths for shock value #its still gonna be a reader fic tho cus i have an interesting idea for what part you play in this story that acts as a balance #betwen Joel and Abby #also cus I wanna kiss Pedro!Joel and no one can stop me #it wont be a long story #I don't think the story abould have been very long like in the game cus it should be a smaller more personal tale #rather then a grand adventure of bloodthirsty vengeance

[box-dwelling]

For a person who bonded onto Miles Edgeworth like a baby duck, when I write I really do focus on Phoenix and his struggles way more than Edgeworths.

#honestly the reason is two fold in a way that stems from the same place #i deal with my issues in a very very similar way to phoenix. i just shut it out and try and insist on helping other people instead #to the point it becomes actively unhealthy for me to be helping them #i got that issue dodging saviour complex with the assumption that is i dont deal with my issues one day i will die and no longer need to #so obviously i want to explore that aspect i relate to so heavily #the other reason is that while i deal with my issues like Phoenix the issues themselves are way too similar to Edgeworth #so therefore i never want to write about Edgeworths issues and thus deal with my own #writing 1 von karma sibling fic would fix me but i would actually rather die than fully process the similarities in my own trauma to theirs #reading is different. actually like remembering what that felt like and processing that by writing it down? kill me kill me now #anyway the point of this was ment to be that Edgeworth is really really fun to write #like insanely fun. i love his dumb Victorian style of speaking #franziska also fun as fuck to write. also deeply neglected despite hiw much i love her because the trauma is too similar #also i want it to be said this isnt a like i cant write this because its too traumatic thing. it would actively help me. creating does that #but i just have a box in my head called “bad feelings do not touch” and i do not touch it until it starts biting and i have to shoot it #this is also why i keep avoiding a PMECD fic because ive been on both sides of that shit and both of them make me want to scream #honestly the thing that i most need to write to get the box to shut up but i literally could not want to do something less #i have ideas too. but then i have to touch the box. and i don't want to touch the box

[cc-kote]

God I am so insanely proud of this gd novella of a fic I've been writing for the last month or so. I have the whole thing mapped out (3 acts, but the third act is separated into 2 parts) and act 1 is nearly finished. I just can't believe how much I have done already. For the last 5 years I've been struggling so hard to write anything consistently, like I had my own original stories planned and bits and pieces of them written but I struggled so hard to make the plot coherent and the characters dynamic and it was making me feel so sad and unenthusiastic abt writing. And then I fuckin watched TROS and got so pissed abt how dirty they did my faves that I was suddenly inspired to write my own self indulgent af fix it fic 😂😂😂

It's just so funny to me that the driving force behind me getting back into the swing of writing stories was being so deeply unsatisfied with the fates of my favorite characters that I felt the overwhelming need to take matters Into my own hands and rewrite it in a way that panders to what I want for them.

#listen i love terrible movies for this exact reason #im not saying the sequels are the worst movies ever like there is a reason that my autism brain clings to them like gum on hot pavement #i do understand peoples frustration and hard feelings towards the sequels tho and i think thats totally valid #im suuuuper late to the party on this one but had i been a massive fan at the time of the sequels release i probably would have been #all the more pissed off #BUT #i personally think times like these are excellent opportunities to exercise my imagination and see what i could come up with instead #if u dont like the canon story theres no shame in writing your own!! and it could be a very cathartic experience too!!! #i also started this fic because my therapist told me it could be a good outlet and boy howdy is it ever #its not a brilliant jaw dropping revolutionary story but it is special to me and fun to write and has been a very welcome coping mechanism #so yeah just had to shout into the void about it for a while because i have some big feelings abt it

[penciltopbear]

Max Lord should have been a villain longer at the beginning of jli. He got like what twelve issues? of being vaguely ominous before out of nowhere he decides to grow a conscience and beat the computer to death. He doesn't even do anything. His plans for the jli are so vague that they're non-existent. It's just suddenly oh noooo I feel bad for being mean :( Genuinely wish that I could write because I would rewrite his entire everything to be better. Let him do some actual villain shit before being a good guy it could have been so good

#maxwell lord #max being a twist villain in retrospect? stupid. max being a villain in the beginning? could have been fucking perfect #he feels so wasted. character of all time and all they ever do is shoot him and leave him in a coma #you have no idea how desperately i need to make ten million max fics #except i cant write anything unless i have a very specific idea in mind and i DONT #im in agony #i wish he had enacted some kind of villain plan that wasnt to add someone to the team #i cant think of a single thing he does other than expand the roster #and the switch is so sudden like.. give him time. we did not need to shove his entire arc into one issue #someday im going to find a character to latch onto thats well written and i wont have to create an elaborate new story in my head for them #but today isnt that day! instead I have chosen eternal suffering #maybe one day ill find a good way to unleash every horrible thought about him ive been bottling up #but for now. everyone is spared #also hi ant i specified which max its about this time :) just for you