#i dont eveb know anymore

[indiangp]

.

#sorry ranting again but #tw weight #i shouldn't eveb have checked my weight yesterday #i feel so disgusting doing anything today #like everything that i generally donr associate w weight is now reminding me like oh youre doing your daily walking but ur still overweigt #i cannot do anything normally without thinking about it #and its been so long since i hated myself this much this is so annoying #im scared whike filling uni forms because i think oh they will reject you cuz youre fat #even though it has nothing to do w my appearance at all #i didn't feel like cleaning my room today but then i was like oh youre ugly and disgusting at the same time ??? atleast clean your room #im trying to reason w myself but it's just not working #i skipped class today but i have to go tomorrow and im so scared cuz i dont really have friends there #but theres some nice girls i talk to once in a while and they have told me things like 'youre so pretty' 'i love your hair' etc #and i know because i usually do well in mock tests and dont annoy anyone... nobody really hates me #theyre pretty chill #but im still like oh these guys are gonna laugh at me or talk like did you see her today she couldn't have gotten worse #thankfully our break time bw classes is shorter now so i wont be eating during break because i always refuse when someone else offers me #i think the one girl i do share food w and talk to quite often is skipping tomorrow so im extra scared #i dont eveb know anymore #og

[ritsufeet]

stay with me.

longing [ ft. m. kaiser ]

i don’t want u to leave… in which kaiser longs for you more than he thought he would.

k by cigarettes after sex heavily recommend to listen to while reading!!

all works from luvmouche & ritsufeet on tumblr.

𒁷 sfw, (forced to) made for ivelle (@n6gi)

𒁷 cw// hurt comfort(?), kaiser is too busy for u (dickhead), but it gets better i think, mutual longing, kissing smooch smooch, umm idk what else, kaiser tw🤓, “m” is his nickname given by the reader, rly short fic btw, slightly ooc kaiser but yk what idc!

i made this for ivelle this is literally yhe only bllk fic ill ever make (maybe) also i dont even like kaiser (kurona bwtter) i originally made this in my notes app i had to decide whether or not i eveb wanted to post this on tumblrHelp

synopsis: michael kaiser is a cruel, busy man—yet he finds himself pining for your warmth more than he expected.

not proofread!!!

kaiser, michael

your boyfriend, michael kaiser, who’s a famous, up and coming athlete, never has any time for you.

“i’m leaving, i have a meeting today.” he says, hurriedly pushing his shoes on with heavy sighs. you look at him and frown, “again? m, you never have any time for me anymore…”

“i know, but i’ll make it up to you, i promise. just not today, i’m busy.” he huffs, frowning right back at you, his blonde hair sways messily in front of his face and his fingers coming up to brush them up and out of the way again. you frown deepens and you sigh.

he looks up at you, his eyebrows furrowed. “what? what’s wrong with you?” his question only makes you sadder.

“can’t you stay?”

“no, i can’t. you know this. i said i’d make it up to you, didn’t i? trust my word.” you know this, you already know… but you can’t help but already begin to miss him.

he’s often gone for long hours, sometimes it’s more than just hours. it’s hard loving him when he’s absent majority of the time, and when he’s not gone, he’s doing something else that doesn’t involve spending time with you. what could be so important, anyway? of course, you love him, you love his career and support him with everything you can, but he could at least love you a little back.

you slowly walk over to him when he’s finished putting on his shoes. he looks at you with soft eyes, a face that he doesn’t show often. vulnerability that doesn’t come easily to him, something he only shows to you. “i’m sorry,” he says, his hand cupping your cheek. you relish in his touch, leaning into his palm. “i really wish i could stay too. you know that as well as i do.” he caresses your cheek, sliding his thumb over your skin.

“i get it… you should go, you don’t want to be late, right?” you look at him giving a reassuring smile. “i’ll be here, like i always am.” his heart aches as those words leave you, and the urge washes over him. he brings himself to your lips and kisses you—sweet, quick, and loving. he lets himself linger there for as long as he needs to. he doesn’t want to be late, yet he finds himself not wanting to move a single inch away from you. he wants to stay, wants to be here with you and the comfort of your kisses.

you pull away instead, you put your hand right above his—the one caressing your cheek so gently and longingly that you fear that it’d break his heart if he tore it away—and squeeze it. his face is solemn, his gaze wavering. he’s staring at you, but he looks away, as if hesitant to say anything. then, he looks at you again, and purses his lips. “..i love you.” your reassuring smile turns into a genuine one. “i love you too, m.”

he pulls you into a hug, holding you longer than just a few seconds, and he can hear himself the moment he decided to just go ‘ah, fuck it.’ a barely audible chuckle comes from his voice leaving you wondering what’s so funny.

“on second thought, i don’t think they’ll mind if i miss a day or two.” he says, smiling.

a/n: i hope ur happy ivelle. k bye im tired fuckkk

#ritsufeet #blue lock #blue lock x reader #blue lock x y/n #blue lock x you #blue lock x gn reader #blue lock x female reader #blue lock x male reader #bllk #bllk kaiser #michael kaiser #kaiser x reader #kaiser fluff #michael kaiser x reader #michael kaiser x you #michael kaiser x y/n #kurona better #i dont eceb likr kaiser but yk what Sigh #if this flops i blame ivelle

[730hcck]

[ @itsyazmin ]

contact: yaz ✨

( sent ): i’n drunk, only god knniws wjere i aum, i htink im either e;thinkgin toi hard or ium having a heat struhjoke andn i known i fucked up

( sent ): i fucjed up the nonent the words left my mourh when you came uo to talk to me in the ljen fir the batgriom nad i mase youi wlak away grom me

( sent ): i fucke f uo the moment i didn’t just ask yiu to the party

( sent ): it was going tk be after my match on wednesday

( sent ): we were jb fhe trainers, rnemeber?

( sent ): i wa sholding ur habd, u were hilding uo an ice oakc ti me

( sent ): but when i nws gonna do it, you alreaydv said someone ekse asked yiu

( sent ): but that’s not reh inly time i fucked up

( sent ): i fucjmed up when j djdn’t kiss you at the mall

( sent ): wheb you grabbed my chin and yurned my head when j was lookjgn at us ib the mirror

( sent ): i shoudka kissed you an dtokd you nkt to go to the psrty with dom

( sent ): and be my date instemmmmed

( sent ): or at the djne r

( sent ): at ass o’clock in the mkrnjng - waking up early eveb though i’m nkt a morning person bc i didn’t wan tt o miss out on breakfast wirh you

( sent ): i shoild a just ignored that loud ass ugky ass bitch ass waitress who was far too happy on a morning

( sent ): or the nghtt at the club

( sent ): i dont remenber what happened after tbra asshole showed uo

( sent ): but j should have kissed you then

( sent ): at any point i shiudn shave kissed you

( sent ): ir that night i chdkdled you

( sent ): when you turne dalrind and i soooned yiu

( sent ): i shoukd gav turned y around and kissed your worries away

( sent ): or maybe that very first not-date. battlebsip

( sent ): i shoukd ahve told you i don’t car e what haooens to ys in the future - whether you’d “ruin” me ot nkt

( sent ): becaus e thatms a risk i’n willing to take if it means i get to know you

( sent ): but we bith didn’t expect that i’d be the one to ruin you, huh?

( sent ): i’ve been wanting to kiss you since that very first night.

( sent ): i think about kissing you all the time.

( sent ): would you have let me kiss you? did you want me to kiss you all those times?

( sent ): i’m sorry i suck at being just friends with you

( sent ): i’m sorry i let my jealousy blind me and treat you like shit today - you’re free to be with whoever you want. i guess seeing dom calling you his date had fucjifn blindsided me kien crazy even thi i alreaydvjnew you were comjng with him

( sent ): coming because of him. becayse be asked you, nkt me. becays e im always nksising the timjngs ont ehse things and now i’ve lost you.

( sent ): imn sorry it toon me so long to accept my own feelings and huritbg yours in the orocess

( sent ): the fucking doubeld stabdsrds are crayz and imm dk sorry evvayse you don’t deserve shit ljen that and i shouldnnt have been jeakous in the first when all i do is think with my dicke

( sent ): i’ll leave u alroen now, i hust saw your posts in the dashb and it’s oretty obvjous you din’t want me aroudn anymore

( sent ): but jf you want tk talk, just look uo at the stars ans talk to them

( sent ): i’m looking up at the stars and telling them all about my favorite person

( sent ): all about you

( sent ): and how much better you deserve that a dude who can’t even recognize his nown feldkngs of jealousy and resorts to ebeing a dickhead

#[ texts — 𝐢𝐭𝐬𝐲𝐚𝐳𝐦𝐢𝐧 ]

[fragmented-light-sys]

still a vent post ugh

tw sui ideation for a bit

iguess i its not ok to want to know that i am somehow not a complete waste of spsce

im sorry i even started this to begin with...

i dont eveb deserve to post here anymore... im sorry i msde everyone sngry i just csnt stop being a horrible person ig...

i dont even deserve to live anymore...

#tw vent #vent post #tw sui ideation

[coolshoeshineventaccxd]

rape tw or sum

and drugs

and drugging

YIPPIE

im also not making a cut bc i dont know how

so

jesus fuck kf all mighty that was fucking. terrivle. Like i dont normally minf it bwcause its just paula but nlw it was 2 other fauckint people

lile All fuvking night aswell andni xpuldnt even attempt to fdo anytging bc shr dtugged me and i was paralyzed or soemethibfg i jist knew it qas happpenibg its so unfair

and i dont wcebn know who that pTger persokn is its not fuckibng fairlike. i knrow it was adonael ans paula bht i dont knoe ewho else and thats not evwbn fuckingcfaotr

oh my god and what did noodle haatear becauss i sont evebn know jow muvh bpise it made but i know it was bas becayse it was 1. being dodmte in the main are a and 2. 3 pdoeoplae doing it to me

i actauakly feel genuinely sicmk likr i deel like im ginna start fthrowjbg up its not fair

ahes likq fuvning carved her name jnto me and shes cht me and im sivk of this all i cant eveb cry anymore i just exist

ans and i cant even ereLaly feel hsppy no mlre i cant lie bwczause noodle isnt talkijng to me beczuzse shes scared psula wkll do zummin snd i vsn t talk to russ bwcause she fuckknv said ao

its like i wake up sit there get raped front leave front get raped zone oht for 20 mins uh go bk in frokt she touches me up qhile jm in fromt she asks me to lesve front she rapes me and the cycle xomtinues

and oh god ita gonma be worse dlnow bwcause its 2 otger pepople fivlufk ufkfu kfu kcuvjbju

tjis isnt fair im sobbibg i hagd gbis all and i jusy wanna hug ftom spmronr becshdd thjd xbojldnt bs hapepenjng it ismt fuking fair

and i know itscshurtibg tbe pdpple arpund me too and thTs why im so upzst ive given uo but shs atarrtred druggibf me soni csnt move

aaa its nit fait amd im so w9rried abt mudz but he foessnt want ppl wprried abput him but likr itd not fair for him ljme id do anhtving to stop it id havd gabroel just do it tp me instead lkke so a cheeky systhem hop jusg can je plsaaw stop bc theb that wpulf maks noodle Nm mhdz, huappy

aaaaaa i cant even do abytbibg

[milflookingforadilf]

my new rant about this guy... Sigh i swear this guy is just an attention seeker i mean i dont even know how it eveb began????? just Like That and he started sayin hes so in love w me, hes obsessed with me, calling me his wife and started sending those tiktoks..... i meaaaaan right attention but from the wrong person,, my trust issues will never trust this guy and me neither like HELLO??? DONT U GET IT IM CALLING YOU BRO AND STAYING FRIENDS BECAUSE IM THE FRIENDLY HANAKWU THAT IS A FUN Person TO TALK TO,,i just give the same energy back doesn't mean im in love w you, i mean it clearly pisses me off that im trying to stay away from haram (BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO DISRESPECT ALLAH) and hes pulling me into it despite knowing well what HE IS DOING IS HARAM. the way i just keep asking Allah to make a way so he leaves me Bc i don't know what to do AND dont have the audacity to break someone's heart AAAAAAaaaaaAAAAAA. and he knows as well that i dont like him that way bc i nvr Like never respond to his i love you's.. i just come up with other hanakwu typa responses kekekkekekekek 💀 i FULLY AVOID IT AT ALL COSTS. BUT I JUST DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO AND BELIEVE ANYMORE BECAUSE ONE THING IS FOR SURE THT I DONT LIKE HIM BC HE CLEARLY DOESN'T PRAY OR READ QURAN OR TALKS ABOUT ALLAH TO ME AND BC OF IT I DONT WANT HIM AJD SECONDLY BC I DON'T BELIEVE HIM. that's all im so exhausted. and this all is scaring me, i just keep on hoping that ive not fallen into a sin and i dont want to make Allah upset with me :(((( because even tho i know i can never fully commit to a person only because im scared, i STILL want to fully commit to the person Allah has chosen for me and love him with all i got for the sake of Allah.

#hanakwurants

[kazewhara]

gonns go to sleep but i wanna talk about abyss prince aether so so so fucking bad please talk to me abt him someday, he's my softest boy in my head okay huhhfjdbshhsbdbfdj good night im exhausted

#z spam #i know im sorry im getting worse at being active #and i dont rlly answer stuff much anymore #im sorry yall rlly i am #i answer things as they come in cause thats all my brain can handle but eveb then im soing a terrible job #but i sometimes have bursts of creativity in between trying to ocme upnwith ideas #you get the point.. injust #yeah #i cant eben type properly anymore good night

[lovedlovingly]

bsjskwndoene just woke up from a dream that was SO my life as a child w/ mom. i dreamt she got some sort of weird braces (they extended like see through crystals around your head??) and I'd seen someone else in the dream have them earlier too and like, this not-girl has a problem with their jaw and waiting to get professional help so in the dream i was just holy shit a form of help? so i tried to talk to my mom about it, what it even was, how it works, if i should get one too. i never got past the 'what it even is' stage because my mom started dancing in circles. first she was all braggy and happy over what she got, as soon as I showed interest she started to withdraw and be nonchalant and the more i pressured the more she ran away. she wouldn't even tell me if it was used FOR TEETH when it was a fucking brace u have in your mouth when u sleep. that's how far I got w/ the info i was able to get trying to read the papers that came with it before she hid it all away from me. insane.

typical thing in my household: i talk about something i need/help with to my mom, my mom acts caring and supportive for that moment only then I'm never allowed to talk about it again, weeks or a few months later she will do either exactly or some version of what i was talking about for herself and then come to me and act all exited and give me like. a gift basket that came with it or just something (a pamphlet, candy she got at the place etc), i will be upset and tell her i would have wanted a heads up because i was just talking about this with her that i need this too and she only did it for fun not for need, and she will be like oh :/ i didn't know. that sucks. sorry. and then leave. and refuse to tell me where she actually went what was actually done and how, she just wanted to rub it in my face that she did something i needed which was frivolous for her :) abusive parents w/ money are fun :)

this also extends to family and my dad is the same. it took i me YEARS as an ADULT to figure out that my mom is keeping her side of the family away from me on purpose AND the Finnish language because she wants it to be "her thing". as a child i thought i didn't ask to see ppl enough or I'd done something bad because i wasn't allowed to go with her(or dad) to meet MY FAMILY. when she mentioned someones husband dying and the funeral being soon i said I would like to go with her and pay my respects she looked at me coldly and went "why? you don't even know them" YES AND THATS YOUR FAULT OMG

#more about how my mom is insane and my upbringing was insane and how its not weird if i end up/stay insane :3 #ny btother and dad treat her so badly and absolutely dont care for her being Finnish - my brothee is eveb ashamed over it ????? #i on the other hand LOVE the finnish language and am still trying so hard w/ the lil energy i have #to keep it alive #but its hard #and ive talked multiple times w/ my mom about talking Finnish between us because i still understand 80% #i just can't find all my own words #it was ny first language :3 #and shell be all happy for 20min and do it and then be like :/ actually this is my language and not use it again around me for 6 months #the only ppo in hee life she talks Finnish to is her side of the family no finnish speaking friends etc #so i think thats also part of why she wanted it do die with me because if i dont know the language the even bigger the reason #not to let me meet my fucking family #this is gonna take forever to work through with the anger and bitterness lol #im so glad i dont have that woman in my life anymore

[bibridlizzie]

These mood boards are a vibe. Stay hydrated homeslice and chur for the quality content

Thank you so much!!! I really appreciate this ask and same to you!!!

#im gonna be honest though #i dont know what chur means #i looked it up and im still confused #but for everything else just thank you so much #means a lot to me!!! #also im going to sleep now because its 6am where i am and i havent slept but i shall be back whenever i wake up #im debating if i want to keep doing as much ace stuff as ive been doing eveb though it wont be ace week anymore lol #idk yet tho but i will do more general stuff too if i do lol #that is if i do anything lmak #lmao #sometimes i just completely lose motivation #i made moodboards today instead of packing #so thats both great and not great

[2loady]

.

#wow i thought i waa done ceying #guess not #lol #anyways i want to be loved what the fuck #i was so fucking happy what the hell eveb happened #at least i know my cat loves me #god this is killing me #i miss the person i was #i was so in love!!! i was so content!! that was qll i cared about!!! #and now im just #im so fuxking bitter #or i just dint feel anything #its so. boring #ugh #qmd i really dont even want to go on that beach trip anymore #my mom telling mw to request timw off but like. id rather die lol #why am i likw this

[liquid-snakes]

vent in the tags!! sorry ✊😔

#depressing content ig?? #soph don't look #oh my god i think im on the verge of a panic attack #im going to throw up ive been doing nothing but cry i am stressed out from doing nothing why am i so fucking messed up not being able to do #anything correctly #i gotta pick a uni except i don't know what to do im just going to use my parents money and waste away #adhd and depression sure do feel great! #i don't know if i can carry on anymore #how do i stop being so fucking sad and actually feel a bit happy #i gotta pick a uni and all applications stop in a week or so except i dont eveb know what i want to do i am tired and sad and scared and i #ant fucking do this #kinda feeling suicidal again hee hee hee hoo #i jyst dont want to have to suffer this everyday again i just don't want to live in there abymore i want to donate all of my money to people #who need it and then die off somewhere #god this is very edgy teen but whats the point. like why do i keep going i dont have any goals or things that make me happy i jsut dont want #to make the two people who like me sad im not even living for lyself im living because i HAVE TO and im so tired i need to get meds or somet #hing before i lose my mind and actually act up #hee hee i am this close #one day i'll snap #one day i'll fufking snap and it's going to be a fun day

[gaaura]

peak time on here was summer 2017 and summer 2018

#talked 2 so many ppl but now i dont talk to anyone regularly rip #i was in a little group with urls too omg i donr eveb know where half of them are anymore #it was cool but summer 2017 was just me distracting myself from wanting 2 die and summer 2018 ended bad :p #the start was good but the ending was bad #idk why im thinking about this #maybe because now i feel like for once everything about my summer to now was good and i feel better #hm #im going to go cut a mango and finish my hw #txt. #2019

[princelink]

.

#i know i try not to post this shit on here but #i feel like im annoying the usual people i vent to on my vent twitter and idk i just need another spot to just get some of this out #im feeling really shitty and really lonely and i feel like i wanna hide from everything #been debating deleting all my internet accounts #i dont think anyone would miss me anyways #I dont think anyone would realize i would be gone #i crave attention and validation and its even annoying me how i ve become #but i feel like i barely have friends and that i barely have anyone who cares for me #i feel like even my art isnt worth my time or even worth posting as no one gives a shit about it anyways #im really thinking of just deleting everything and just leaving without a word #i dont have any irl friends close by and havent seen then in eons #sometimes it feels like they aren't eveb my friends anymore bc they have their own lives and are so separate from me now #i love the few internet friends i have but they also all have lives and are so busy and i know that they cant give me attention 24/7 #and its wrong of me to think that they could spend all that time with me #but im just lonely #and im probably lonely bc im terrible at talking #i have nothing to talk about #I dont do anything #my depression is always a rollercoaster ride and im always a panic attack away from losing it #im just tired of all these things #im tired of constantly checking my phone for validation from people #if i delete everything then its just me #but thats also terrifying #its basically just me right now and i cant handle it #i have such a hard time with this crap #and we probably wont be able to move out of this place for another few months and i cant start anything until we leave #everything is on hold until we get there and until then im stuck in dumb depression lows #im sorry im annoying #ill probably delete this whole post in a minute #rambles

[blueprint-han]

.

#...sigh #parents tw #........................................................................................................................................... #yknow my mom is sorta right #maybe if she threw me away the day i was born instead of letting me grow up it wouldve infact been better #idk i #i just #i ended up oversleeping a bit today (common side effect of my medicine) #but it was still an hour left to take my medicine i dont eveb remember my mom waking me up #but apparently she did... and then she came in yelling when i was asleep about how much of a terrible child i am #and yknow the drill #compared me to my dad #called me a shitty child #said she shouldve thrown me away when i was born instead of letting me grow up #also brought back the infamous wishing i was dead line #“yeah u just sleep all the time u know what just keep sleeping and die someday just like ur father” #and ofc she started crying cuz SHES the victim here not me right #I just #eh #idek anymore #i think at this point ive gotten so used to it tjat these sentences that usually lead to self harm just leaves me crying #for 2 hours instead #and ofc she also pointed out how i dont study at all apparently #but still man #i changed myself from the girl who scored seventies and sixities to someone who scores nineties #and even then she didnt like it so i upped myself to ninety fives #i forced myself to hate my father so that i wouldnt feel the pain when i left him with my mom so that shed be happy #when i went into depression for a full year i kept it to myself because she was going through so much more #it just... hurts so much when youve dome everything u can to keep ur mother happy #and she just tells u she wishes u were dead and were never born and that she shouldve thrown u away when u were

[disownedbytiime]

Ah those (Quinrose) Alice games were great and are really super underrated imo. Sure there are tons of Alice in wonderland related games, and a lot that are ‘edgy’ and ‘romanceable’ like this one but still, it had a nice story (especially related to Blood and Peter) and the different routes were fun, plus you got to interact with many other characters anyway. The music was amazing and sure the art wasn’t the best, but the CGs were good.

I’m not sure about the last games though, those about Twin world and whatever since I only played the first 4?5? ones, so I can’t speak about those but at least the original was really good.

My only complaint was that Vivaldi never got a proper route. In heart it was just friendly (I know she was married) and then she never got another, unless it was with Blood.

#boris was my fave but i liked most of them #i dont eveb know if the mobile game still works #ah this nostalgia is gonna kill me #i really miss playing but i cant do it anymore #aidé.txt

[elisinhell]

hi so i havent been updating. i work nights and just have been so tired. but eating around 1800 lately (burning 2500-2800 a day) and ya ive been liking my abs hahah. theyre not that impressive but kinda have some definition:)

havent been working out a ton but i have v active jobs so i figure its ok.

going for a run soon. i think maybe 4-5 miles. not sure yet

i feel really invalid for the ammount i eat. i know i say this a lot but ig im not really a “typical” tumblr ED blog. last time i was diagnosed with AN i was eating about 1000 calories a day and not working out and exercising AS much. and it honestly just doesnt work for me anymore with my activity level. and thats ok. maybe i dont een have an ED anymore maybe im just a “healthy dieter” idk eveb anyway

#calories #notpro #edthings #an #anorexia #bodycheck