#i dont deserve anything good!!!!!!! im so fucking awful why am i even upset i dont have the right to be!
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i’m having a really bad day emotionally. idk if it’s my period hormones or bpd but i’m just in a really sucky mood today. yesterday i recovered from one illness that i had since late jan. i’ve been desperately waiting to feel better and this morning i woke up with another kind of illness. and i’m doing my best to recover from this as well. and something triggered my abandonment response and im just having a really really hard time right now. and i can’t even freely talk about it to anyone or even write about it in my journal. i’m just. so sad right now. i’m not abandoned but i feel that way. i have been feeling abandoned for a while now and a small thing that happened last night really amped it up. then this morning i woke up with a crazy amount of physical pain and fever from said illness and im also severely dehydrated because i have been too upset to drink water so i’ve been forcing myself to drink lots of water all day. and had to take painkillers and sleep the fever off. all by myself. i hate being by myself. but it was worse when i was living with family back in bangladesh. somehow i felt even lonelier and more horrible there. lately i’ve had very little hope about myself and my future. i’m just going through a rough time mentally. so are my loved ones. i’m sobbing as i’m writing about this. this isn’t even bad. like it’s just my mental illness over reacting and my hormones possibly amplifying the negative emotions. but nothing terrible has actually happened it’s just that i wanted something and i can’t have it and even in my dreams, my desires plague me. it all sounds vague but that’s on purpose because i can’t openly talk about it. even when faced with much greater difficulty, i have handled things better but right now even though it’s not actually that bad, i feel exceptionally sad. i did my groceries. made the right decisions. i literally did my very fucking best today. and yet i feel nothing but awful awful awful. even some self hatred and self pity. i’m having a hard time trying to logic myself out of this one. maybe it just needs some time. the problem is that i don’t have all that much time to give. i have a class early tomorrow and it’s one of those classes that i really have to participate in and even though i normally look forward to this class, im dreading it right now. i dont have the energy to learn a whole bunch of things right now. and my friends invited me for drinks after classes, which is great but sucks because i literally have 5$ in my bank account to last me the whole week, and today was just monday. idk how this happened. actually i know exactly how this happened, i paid of my medical bills when i got paid this weekend. that’s why i have nothing left. but it’s a big relief. that i have paid off all my hospital debt. it’s a huge deal. and it’s done. now temporarily i’ll struggle a little but it’ll be okay soon. also it was just 11:11pm and i made a good wish. i’m going to try my best to bring it to fruition. rn im still a bit sick, and im not gonna beat myself up for having a bad couple of days. i know im doing my best. my best is not as good as other people’s but it’s mine. and i am choosing to go easy on myself. i’m feeling a fever coming back. the plan for the rest of the night is to maybe rest till my fever goes away. then watch the movies i downloaded w the library wifi, because guess what, i didn’t have money to get wifi this month. so i barely use my data and i try to download as much as i can at uni and at the library. it has been kind of good for me. to be off the internet mostly. this reminds me i should deactivate my instagram soon. idc if i loose my work flow. or maybe try to find balance between life offline and online. after i’m done resting and my fever subsides, ill boil some eggs and what not. i deserve to eat well. nvm im back to crying in my fetal position. oh god i feel so bad. i feel so bad right now. i can’t do anything about this. and the things that i can fix, i don’t. this is literally my life. crying about things i can’t control and ignoring the things i can control
this is the worst i have felt in 2024 so far. i’m so sad that it’s giving me a headache. i’m so disoriented and confused and tired and sad i don’t wanna do anything. i’m depressed as fuck. why does this happen to me. oh god i let a couple of hours pass, and i’m doing a little bit better. this is so stupid.
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OKAYYYYYYYY okay, Im about to watch Tommys The Last Stream vod after I go for another quick walk, after that its just Tubbos stream which is probably just the same thing but from a different pov anyway, then its just the Syndicate End vod and then its just a two minute video of Ranboos end and then Im finally free. I really wish I could do this properly on my blog instead of having to do this in my notes app but I simply cannot wait another day. Im so hopped up on adrenaline rn i dont think I can sleep tonight, especially if I dont finally finish this. Also I have therapy tomorrow when Im writing this and I need to calm tf down before I show up at the therapists office all shaky n shit because of some minecraft roleplay. Its almost 6 pm rn and I shall be free of this nightmare before the clock strikes midnight. Amen.
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Tubbitch boi
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I dont even have anything to say man
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This is so upsetting dude
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I made it through these first 15 minutes with basically no pausing and I just wanted to take a moment to appreciate that bc I just know the second that joker starts talking to Dream I'll be pausing every 5 seconds
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Why the fuck does the prison look like it was under water for like a decade and now theres just barnacles n shit growing on everythinh
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YOU SPIN ME RIGHT ROUND BABEY RIGHT ROUND
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DREAM
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Alright I took two minutes to mentally prepare myself now Im ready for this
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Wait why the fuck was he just hangin out in the main cell if he wasnt even expecting Tommy. weirdo behaviour
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PUNZ IS THERE AS WELL??? WERE THEY HAVING A DATE IN THE TORTURE BOX
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"IM READY TO FUCKING KILL THE BOTH OF YOU"
*long uncomfortable pause*
"Uhm... okay"
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It looks like Tommy is doing a good job stalling them so far so Im very curious how it goes from this to the stuff Ive read spoilers about
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Ouhhhhhh I wonder how hes gonna react to that dig at Spirittttttt.........
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Okay, no like verbal ouward reaction but that is what got him to start attacking Tommy
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I dont think Punz will care that Tommy tried to kill himself bc of Dream, I think hed find that kinda hot
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"The world doesnt fucking revolve around you"??? Bro Punz Boomer arc??? "Those darn zoomers wanting compassion and kindness after almost killing themselves
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"Youre insane to think everything revolves around you" hello?? says the guy who fancies himself a god and also thinks everyone but him and his boytoy deserve to die because theyre "simple-minded"
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OH NO i completely forgot, the nuke is not gonna hit them. this is allpretty much pointless
DAMN YOU JACK MANIFOLD
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Okay listen, Im a huge c!Dream sympathetizer and I know this is gonna end with him being presented in a sympathetic and pitiable light and Im gonna fall for it no matter what because of course I am but like, he has been so comically awful throughout this entire finale I am not expecting this to end in an actually satisfying way at all
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Oh that sly dog got him monologuing
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Girl help I dont remember pre-rp dsmp well enough to tell if Dream is embellishing shit and victimizing himself or not
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OKAY dream smp from Dreams pov lets gooooooo
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??? what.
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Bro Dream is not in his right mind hes so far away from his right mind he might as well be chillin in lmoonberg that guy is so mentally ill (source: I have like atleast 90% of his mentall illnesses for sure)
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what do you MEAN "know more"???
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Maybe Im just a simple minded nihilist but why does that matter man. Why die so you can "know more" when you can live and have like, a party with your buddies
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Honestly, I feel like Dreams motivations are so stupid at this point, like literally just make him someone who worships XD and is favoured by him or whatever and then also have him have this morbid curiosity about the stuff beyond the server and have him try and become god while appeasing his actual god in the hopes that he'll reveal his otherworldly knowledge to him or whatever idk man
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Hows Dream gonna grow old with the people he loves when he doesnt have fucking friends HAH got im
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No offense but why has most of this finale been Tommy philosophically waxing about how you should accept death even though all thats waiting for you on the other side is eternal torment with Dream responding by being like "but why though?? :(" when that has like, literally nothing to do with any of the Dream SMPs themes? Like, okay, theres been a ton of storylines obviously but the two main ones are definitely Tommy vs Dream (its essentially the throughline to all this bullshit) and Wilbur, Lmanberg and every single attempt at a country after that. Because of this I would say that the dsmps themes are Cycles of Violence and Legacy and when they intersect you occasionally get glimmers of this idea of History Repeating Itself.
The Legacy theme is insanely well executed, no notes, Im in love
The Cycles of Violence theme.... less so. I'll probably make a more detailed post about this in the future since I dont wanna waste too much time with this liveblog. But I personally think that if they wanted to pull this theme off while also making Dream sympathetic, he absolutely needed to be affected by the violence he inadvertently caused and the audience needs to actually see it in atleast one (1) scene that would be impossible to twist into something unsympathetic unless you were looking at it in bad faith. Dream being thrown in jail and subsequently physically tortured wouldve been a great opportunity for this kind of stuff like, I remember lurking in the fandom around this time, this was the point where plenty of people were starting to sympathize simply because of how inhumane the prison was. Like, if they werent gonna show him break a little in front of others for their perspectives, the least they couldve done was make like, a few short videos of Dream being alone, doing whatever, you wouldnt even need dialogue and then pepper those throughout the post-prison arcs. You could have one like two or three minute video right after Tommys visit where he maybe tries writing those stupid essays out of boredom before burning them and then some potatoes plop into the pool and you really get a sense for the emptyness and isolation of it. Another good one would be one showing how Quackity tortures him, or maybe one taking place right after one of the torture seassions with him starving and shaking and maybe trying to write a log or something but failing because everything hurts. Him being in the prison after hes escaped and made it his base again, watching it slowly decay and fall apart with him in it. They really dont have to be long, again, two or three minute videos wouldve done a lot of good here imo. And then you could also sprinkle in some monologues because as much as I like to make fun of the snake monologue in my head, it did give some much needed insight into Dreams perspective on all of this while making him a bit more sympathetic.
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Honestly, Dream is making some pretty reasonable points here (if you completely disregard all the context of the entire dsmp but still) but like dude, you cannot go around calling your teenage nemesis a pest that such obvious villain behaviour dude
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Im not gonna lie, i thought the very last final scene between Dream and Tommy would take place in a more, idk, intimate? place. Thats not the right word but whatever I cant think of anything else that fits. But like, they absolutely do not have a reason to leave so I guess this is just gonna continue with Tommy and Dream talking in this fucked up room of this fucked up prison while Punz is also right there
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Okay, I just got to the bit where Tommy says 'Im sorry' to Dream and I know a lot of people were upset by that bc they took it as him apologizing to his abusers for being 'abuse-worthy' if you wanna phrase it like that and thats not what I got from that at all. Like, its technically part of a very earnest emotional statement so his tone was kinda soft and apologetic but it really came across as an 'Im sorry you feel that way' kind of apology to me
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BRUH HE JUST KILLED HIM??? WHAT
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What the fuck is happening now
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Is this hell.
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NO ITS THE EARLY DREAM TEAM STREAMS THIS TRULY IS HELL
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Oh my god please tell me this wont go on for much longer I already watched like 30 hours of these boring ass guys dicking around back in late 2020 i cannot take a second more
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Bro why did they pick the part of the stream thats just Dream trying to figure out his fucking minecraft settings for this this isnt doing anything
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Please bring me back I dont wanna watch this boring shit
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What is ahppening
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Okay they revived him, are they gonna explain why his afterlife hell is just him watching the most boring minecraft streams on planet earth
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"It doesnt matter if I get horrifically traumatized because I'll just live forever :)"
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Okay I think Im starting to understand Dreams motivations here a bit more and they make more sense but its like, if you care so much about eliminating suffering why did you go out of your way to torment Tommy like that in exile. Like, i know its because you did want him to be your friend at some point and maybe you still do but you didnt like how he would never listen to you so you figured itd be better to just break him down mentally but like, I dont think that would be necessary for the long term goal of eliminating all death and suffering at all so, what
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Dude, he was not happy he was adjusting his minecraft settings
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What if he just started sobbed. Hes all smug like "well, im happy now :)" and then the dam jist breaks. wouldnt that be grand
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Hes fucking psychoanalyzing the green bitch this rules
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Im sorry man I was not envisioning this emotional final scene to be accompanied by Punz occasionally saying some bullshit in the background
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"George and Sapnap are still here" uh no, George literally isnt and last time we saw Sapnap he was making a deal with God to sacrifice his own life and afterlife to ensure that Dream would die and stay dead forever
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Oughhhhhhh this is great I can practically smell the insecurity coming off of him rn
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Oh god why is Tommy being like "you just wanted things to be simple [like they were in the past]" giving me a more complete understanding of myself as well this sucks I dont wanna be a c!Dream kinnie anymore >:(
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I dont think Tommy is wrong about what hes saying abt Dream at all here and I think this is a smart angle to focus on for making Dream seem more sympathetic but right now I definitely feel like its missing the crucial element of "yes, Dream just wants friends, friends who will do what he wants with minimal resistance because hes a control freak" yknow? Like, his need for absolute control all the time is one of his most prominent traits and him wanting to gain some understanding and control of death and other things beyond his comprehension actually lines up quite nicely with that, its just kinda getting muddled with Dreams statements about wanting to make everything better. Granted, he probably wouldnt want to admit that his version of "making everything better" is just making everyone listen to him bc hes god basically but still, I think his control freakiness needs to get addressed more explicitly and maybe it will be, weve still hot a few minutes but ehhhhh. I doubt it
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Honestly, ive grown to like Punz quite a bit eventhough he really hasnt done much but like, why the fuck is he here
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I realize that the dialogue in dsmp is always overwhelmingly improv but its just so odd and kinda bad in this conversation. I think its because out of context, the way both Dream and Tommy are phrasing things makes it seem like they were on more equal footing and both suffered equally during their conflict when thats just not the case and Im not a fan
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I think Ill tentatively take back all the stuff I said about how Dream shouldve been a worshipper of XD but i still think its a neat concept so I'll probably do something with that later
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Oh god why did they do that crown, Dreams skin already looks bad and silly enough. Oh well I take solace in knowing that all the fanart of this scene probably slaps
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OH I FORGOR ABOUT THE NUKES
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Punz is still there is he gonna say anything about the nuke thats about to hit
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Lookat these guys, never heard a nuke about to hit before
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Ohhhhhhh I thought that previous 'sorry' was the one Ive seen people upset about, but Im pretty sure its actually this one
Honestly, I still dont see why you would be upset about it outside of the fact that it is an abuse victim apologizing to his abuser but its like, idk man. I dont think a piece of media featuring a scene where that happens within a very specific context is doing abuse apologism, although I guess a lot of people would argue that the fact that Tommy is even reaching out to Dream after everything he did is abuse apologism and. Im not even gonna try to argue with them. I'll just say that I disagree and try to explain my perspective in some amount of detail, this will get pretty personal though, so watch out:
I was recently semi-diagnosed with a personality disorder and i probably have a bunch of other bullshit going on as well and not to armchair diagnose a fictional character but c!Dream definitely has that personality disorder and whatever other shit thats hiding inside my weird brain. His irrational, defensive thought processes, his contradictionary wants, his persistent need for control, his detached nature, his manipulation, the way he uses actual emotional pain as a tool for manipulation while keeping that pain at an arms length, even his weird monotone way of speaking, I relate to all of it. I have seen and related to a lot of mentally ill and neurodivergent and neurodivergent-coded characters and I have never felt as seen as now. He embodies my worst qualities turned up a few notches to make them even worse and then he has a weird god complex on top of all of that and yet, he still ends up being given sympathy, someone tries to understand him and offers him help. And idk, that just means a lot to me so I look at this whole thing a bit differently.
Also, while I get why some people are upset and I get peoples desire to critize this from a Doylist perspective because real people came up with this story in real life and that still has implications, even when the line between fiction and reality is thick enough to be considered a wall, from a Watsonian in-universe perspective its like, Dream is not a bad person for accepting help (or trying to accept help) when its being freely offered to him
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Okay wait but if the nuke still hit the prison and blew everything to shit what the hell did Jack do when he rewired the redstone at the launch thingy. Is the prison that close to the main smp I dont remember
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Oh man this is gonna take a hot second huh
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Okay we're back in Minecraft, Tommys punching a tree
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I hate the fact that Tommy doesnt atleast punch the entire tree down before making a crafting table
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OKAY IT IS DONE
I was gonna finish the whole series today but its almost 11pm and I a sleepy gal so i'll watch Tubbos pov tomorrow and the Syndicate vod and all that and also I'll probably give my thoughts on the ending in more detail after that. Right now I dont think I cant bare to write any more man, I just wrote like three or four decently detailed (for me) analyses about fucking bullshit basically in a row, my head literally hurts
So yeah, goodnight I'll be hopefully posting all of these posts tomorrow and I'll hopefully be peoperly liveblogging everything again
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vent, very heavy self deprecation
#i feel fucking insane!!!!!#not in a good way!!!!!#theres something fucking wrong with me im always going to be broken and wrong!!!!!#i cant be fixed im worthless i dont deserve help im worthless im garbage i dont even deserve a name im just an object im not a person!!!!!!#cant bring myself to stop using it/its pronouns because i know im not good enough for the ones i actually want people to use!!!!!!!#im not a human im not a person im just a thing!!!!!! a nasty worthless fucking thing#i dont deserve anything good!!!!!!! im so fucking awful why am i even upset i dont have the right to be!#im a fucking freak thats all ill ever fucking be!!!!!!!!!!! freak freak freak#im abhorrent and wrong#no one deserves to be around me im too disgusting#i only hurt people!!!!! i dont want to i just do!!!! even if my luck doesnt hurt people here im just so awful im sorry im sorry im sorry!!!#why did i get so much worse!!!!!! i used to be in a much better place why am i doing so so bad im so stupid i cant even heal right!!!!!!!!!!#fucking IDIOT!!!!!!!!!! god im so fucking awful!!!!!
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ROSE I AM FREAKING OUT HAVE YOU SEEN THE PREQUEL STUFF???? WHAT IS GOING ON, my god... I was literally about to go to sleep, decided to check Tumblr one last time and see this.... what WHAT!! WHATTTT!!!!!! I don't even know if this is good bad or what but just JENSEN IS PRODUCING A SUPERNATURAL PREQUEL AND DEAN'S GONNA BE THE NARRATOR OR Sth LIKE???? -🐸
YEAH i am normal about this <3 (jk i am also freaking out) welcome to: people screaming to me in my inbox about prequelgate ft. j/2 fallout theory. let's goooo!
Another copypasta and suddenly chaos machine is full on gay I love this prophecy
you know whats funny i just checked the j/2 tag and i feel like for the first time in a long time they are starting to realise that maybe THEY should be the ones who are "gutted" *sips tea*
ROSE HOLY SHIT ROOOOOOOOSE ITS HAPPENING HOLY SHIIIIIT
YEAH
Nevermind just read prequel and well good luck I guess but just you know kind of bleh who wants to watch John Winchester well let’s have hope anyways
i know a lot of people are bummed out but i am kind of very excited actually?? i trust robbie and even though yeah j*hn winchester turned into a nasty abusive bastard, it can be interesting to explore how it all started (imo). it's just the first of many stories they can tell.
I can only accept this circus if it’s Dean telling the stories to his and Cas’ kids and then we have a revival to show that the whole finale was in fact the end Chuck wanted there Jensen I fixed it
i would not say no to this
heyloo bee anon here
um- wtf is happening?
jackles prequel series?? why? i want to be excited about this but sheesh im scared
because supernatural is never dead <3
okay, but, jensen... john winchester ≠ jdm, you don’t have to go /that/ hard for him 🙃
true true... though i am waiting for jdm to comment on this, please i need it
WAIT A SECOND J2 FALLOUT THEORY TRUE??
LMAO HELL YEAH BESTIE
Rose you really picked the worst time to sleep for real
bestie it was literally 4 in the morning, what do you expect from me sdfjsfhsf
I can’t literally can’t we were all right LMAO j2 fallout theory is real and cockles (Misha supporting Jensen) is [gunshots] I’m just laughing cause what the hell is this timeline we’re living LMAOOOOOOOOOO
we would always end up here <3
Do we have the copypaste anons to thank for JP basically confirming the J2 fallout? lol 🦚
yes, everybody say 'thanks annoying idiots!'
ROSE, WAKE UP, COME HERE,
THERE'S A LOT GOING ON FFS
YEAH I KNOW BUT I NEEDED SLEEP
Anticipating that there's going to be a lot of yelling about the prequel on here: I am cackling, but also, I mean, the first time Dean got a look into his parent's past, Cas was the catalyst: literally entered Dean's mind and catapulted him to the 70s. So idk, it's not completely unreasonable to expect some Cas cameos, maybe setting up a parallel timeline since Dean is narrating. What I'm saying is, this is Jackles, he's getting JDM and Misha in on this lmao -Honeymoon Anon
you were right lmfaooo also i fully agree. misha's tweet further cemented that thought for me. he knew about this prequel and i dont think he is cas-baiting us, i think he'll be involved. i'd also be obsessed to see jensen and jdm act together again (though idk who jdm could play seeing as it's a prequel and he is way too old to play young j*hn)
longlivethetribbles heeft gevraagd:
Heyyyyyy bestie, are you SEEING the absolute madness going on right now holy shit
well a little late but I SURE AM BESTIE
bestie wake up pls s16 finale just dropped.
- 🍯
and WHAT a great one it was
I love coming home from work to see all of the chaos unfolding on Tumblr and Twitter. I'm absolutely buzzing right now. I'll probably still be here by the time you wake up and check tumblr 😂 - 🐢
lmaooo and were you still awake?? did you see my freak out??
Oooh bestie wake the fuck up, I know you’re gonna be excited for this one jsnsjsj
god i had SUCH a morning like. it's 12:00 now and all i did since i woke up is check tumblr rip
short summary: jen and dee gain the rights, they post on ig/twitter about a prequel ft john and mary that no one asked for, the fandom loses its everloving shit as usual, they trend on twitter thanks to the beloved twt intern who missed us, misha qt’s jen about cas possibly benefiting from being in the prequel, then j*red qt’s jensen abt how his feelings got hurt by him not being told about a prequel his character as no involvement in & he initially throws a tantrum, and the rest is history - 🦋 anon (ps: i hope this helps a little, i’ve been scattered brained trying to keep up with it all night lmao so pls let me know if i missed anything, bug crew !!)
thank you so much darling i figured it out eventually but this is a helpful summary!!!
I hope you enjoyed waking up to all of this XD -🐢
i sure did!!! also that answers my question about you being awake lmao
I WILL NEVER EVER EVER FORGIVE MYSELF FOR SLEEPING THROUGH ALL OF THIS DRAMA AND NOT EXPERIENCING IT IN PERSON I DIDN'T NEED THIS SLEEP - tea anon
well the party was still going strong this morning so im not TOO "gutted" see what i did there lmaooo
Now that you are caught up with the news... So idk if you remember this but...didn't jarpad tell jackles he was up for a reboot in an online panel? And jackles answered that this was news to him??
-🍯
yeah i think you are right but he was clearly joking and didnt expect jackles to actually be working on something already
J2 anon spare more of those anons let's finish this - tea anon
please, we're having a ball in this bitch
I saw a post on tumblr where someone said now that Kripke gave J&D the rights, maybe they’re starting with a prequel just to end on a reboot in years time and honestly ? I wanna believe that so badly. This is tinhatty but what if this is all calculated in a way that makes it so that Jensen is slowly starting to fix everything that was wrong with spn - now that he has the rights and he’s slowly making spn his own story ?! I mean he did say in his ig post he wants to ‘fill in the rest’ - and maybe Mary and John’s story is only the beginning of spn related content from J&D to come ??? Maybe he wants to give spn the justice it deserves ?? Thoughts ??
i dont think this is tinhatty at all i think this is very possible and not that much of a reach. i could see this happening yeah for sure
want to hear something funny. I found out I had a ruptured blood vessel in my eye because I was sending my friend a video freaking out when the prequel news dropped and I noticed the corner of my eye was red af. and when I got back online jared had tweeted.
DJFHSJD ANON THE CHAOS OF IT ALL, HELP, are you okay? <3
rose.. bestie... how are you feeling about The News? nsfshsf being european is a curse </3 🐞
i feel GREAT im living for it i feel on top of the world tbh (and yeah it really is dsjfhs)
What am I waking up to I can't WHAT I rested my eyes for like 5 minutes help *hits reblog button* - anon anon
yep yep essentially djfhs
“Jensen and Misha are Co workers who barley talk”
I can’t be sure of course but I’m fairly certain that this is the copypasta that brought the j/2 fallout theory back to life. Who’s apparently ‘barely talking’ now? skansjsjsj. It’s almost prophetic, these j/2 anons have superpowers I’m telling ya.
-poker face anon
next time we get one of them we should be thanking them lmaooo
ok, but are we gonna talk about the "When Daneel and I formed Chaos Machine Productions, we knew that the first story we wanted to tell was the story of John and Mary Winchester [...]"-quote because the way this is phrased implies they formed CHAOS MACHINE Productions with the intent of telling this story (first), i haven't been in this dumpster long enough but the name just tickles me in that Misha way, isn't it so sus??? am i missing something???? i mean with this announcement they SURE lived up to that name... 🧩-anon
you are absolutely right, chaos machine SCREAMS misha and we are all here for it!!
hey hey hey. joining the clownverse, there's no way THEE cas girl danneel doesn't know just how much the fandom loves misha and cas. so 2 + 2 = misha in the spn prequel!
AGREED
So I think I finally managed to catch up on wtf happened while I was asleep and my brain melted. What a shit show to wake up to.
Anyway thoughts.
I don't hate the idea of a Mary&John sequel. I think it has the potential to be good (It has the potential to be really bad too, so I'm kind scared).
🕯️🕯️🕯️ manifesting Mary being badass and John being kinda useless🕯️🕯️🕯️
As for the Jensen and J*red thing.
I can see Jensen not telling J*red even if they are still friends, because J*red is kinda good at accidentally telling Secrets. He could have told him right before he announced it so, so that J*red didn't have to find out from twitter. He was on the show for 15 years, he is bound to get asked about it. The public twitter meltdown was really unprofessional so. Like you have Jensen's number J*red. You could have sorted that out in private like a normal person, but instead you choose to act like a toddler throwing a tantrum.
Is it weird that I'm actually going to be kinda that for them if the actually had a falling out, even tho I don't like J*red all that much. They seemed to be really important to each other and while I thought before that the might have triefted apart a bit, I didn't think that the where actively fighting.
- 🐌 anon
the thing is, the polite/normal thing for jensen to do was text him before announcing it on twitter. it's weird he didn't, and that makes me believe that maybe yeah they did have a falling out. especially with the way j*red responded to it on twitter. if he had no other reason to be this upset (no prior beef or falling out) you'd think that he wouldn't be responding like this. on the other hand, the man is a mysterie to me so who the hell knows. i'm not gonna mourn about it if they did/do grow apart because j*red is just.... awful imo.
#frog anon#bee anon#peacock anon#subtlerainy#honeymoon anon#bestie mutual#honeypot anon#turtle anon#butterfly anon#tea anon#ladybug anon#anon anon#poker face anon#puzzle pieces anon#snail anon#good lord i think i got more anons about this than about anything else before lmao#good luck to anybody who actually reads this <3
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oh I'll give u a character alright: Izuki, Kiyoshi, Riko and Aomine <333 technically that's four, but what goes around comes around (I'll keep this circle of love goin forever buddy)
VICCCC ily my man <33 thank u!!! aight putting this under a cut bc it got long
Izuki
Why I like them: izuki’s just overall so amazing! he inspires me to give my best in the stuff i do, and although it sounds a bit silly i try to be a person that he’d be proud of. his puns are hilarious and well-thought-out (as a person who loves words and word jokes, i’m naturally drawn to him lol). they’re also a way to take the heat off the team, he’s so hardworking and never views obstacles as obstacles, rather as hills he must climb to find newer skies. he’s also rather clever and employs his brains to great effect when his body fails him! izuki embodies the meaning of ‘eagle’ in the truest sense - waiting to strike when the time is right and not failing when it is.
Why I don’t: *sweats* can’t really think of a reason i don’t like izuki, at all??? i guess he can overwork himself a lot and tends to keep his true emotions hidden which could lead to misunderstandings between friends (although this is totally headcanon territory lol)... i also didn’t like the ableist comment he passed on hayama (“i’m just glad you weren’t smarter than me”). but i think he can (and will!) grow from that kind of stuff, he is that kind of person so yeah no particular reason for me to dislike him at all
Favorite episode (scene if movie): how dare you make me pick s3 e8 izuki vs kasamatsu, hands down. i know its like cliche or whatever but that moment just told me so much about izuki as a character? he’s willing to do what it takes to win, he’s adaptable and dependable and he doesn’t let shit get him down ever. it’s gorgeous
Favorite season/movie: s3, he got some fantastic moments in there!! although i will say i loved the spotlighting he got in s1 in the seihō match
Favorite line: “Fear isn't a bad thing. There are some things that can only be done by cowards.” this is first of all such a nice thing to say. ‘fear is not bad’ is just... so fucking wise? keep in mind that this boy is 17, i’ve met 30 year olds who are less mature. secondly it feels like izu’s speaking from experience?? like he has a lot to be scared of, i’m sure. particularly of falling behind and being a burden to his teammates. but it’s that ‘cowardice’ that drives him to practice so so hard. that visceral terror of weighing on seirin is what pushes izuki beyond his limits - which is why here he can empathise with furi’s fear, and knows how best to employ it.
Favorite outfit: look i hate last game w/ a passion but that lil tie/shirt/hoodie thing he had going? that was literally so cute. izuki in general has a p great fashion sense but his last game outfit takes the cake <3
OTP: hyuuizu oh my god i could talk for years about them but since this post is gonna be very long i’ll refrain. just. they are perfect they are fucking perfect
Brotp: kiyoizu!! kiyoshi is izuki’s biggest enabler and i love that for him <3
Head Canon: izuki can be very very passive aggressive when he’s angry at someone/sad and gets cold and withdrawn. it’s not fun to experience but tbh if you upset him you probably deserve it
Unpopular opinion: izuki should’ve been naturally better in canon. it’s not fair to shaft him and give the ‘trier’ thing off to himuro. that being said i am p happy with who he is as a person
A wish: i want to know how izuki felt after middle school! izuki’s and riko’s backstory focuses so much on hyuuga its dumb >:( he also would’ve been demoralised but he didn’t quit bball and i would like to know his thought process!
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: i. uh. i guess izu quitting basketball. because i genuinely cannot see that happening. it brings him so much joy, he should never stop cold turkey. i can imagine old man izuki hobbling about a court giving little kids pointers and making them laugh T-T
5 words to best describe them: “big brain caffeine-powered clown baby”
My nickname for them: babyzuki/izu/shunshun
Kiyoshi
Why I like them: lots of reasons! kiyoshi is an admirable person. he’s strong, yet friendly and gentle, and he loves his team above all else, which i just find beautiful. i find his manipulative side also pretty cool, bc it shows off how multifaceted he is.
Why I don’t: this is more of a fandom reason but i really dislike how kiyoshi is always said to have had the greatest impact in hyuuga’s story. he badgered and manipulated hyuuga, and while some may argue hyuuga needed that push, it only worked bc hyuuga had had time to think about shit. he’d also been given space by riko and izuki (two integral parts of his life whom the fandom looooves to sideline for uwu kiyo//hyuu).
Favorite episode (scene if movie): yousen match (can’t pick the episodes)! i loved the backstory we got for kiyo vs mura and i loved how kiyoshi was willing to smile and play but also refused to lose. he truly stole the show despite kagami being the one to finally take down murasakibara, it was gorgeous <3
Favorite season/movie: s2 for sure. kiyoshi wasn’t allowed to shine much after yousen imo - all the focus was on hyuuga kagami and kuroko, and to a lesser extent izuki. not complaining, but yeah
Favorite line: “Let’s go have some fun.” i know it’s kinda cliche but i do love how kiyoshi’s always thinking about playing a good game and enjoying basketball. he wants to play because he loves it and as someone who loves a sport as much as kiyoshi loves b-ball, that love is so poignant and tender
Favorite outfit: practice clothes! kiyoshi looks great in pink <3
OTP: kiyohana. hateshipping amirite ;)
Brotp: kiyohyuu! i love them as friends so so much <3
Head Canon: kiyoshi is half-iranian on his mother’s side and is muslim. i won’t say too much because i am not muslim myself, i need to do more research into this but i’ve had this headcanon for quite a while now!
Unpopular opinion: he should be bullied more for the fact that his canon power is having yaoi hands
A wish: kiyo finds something he loves as much as b-ball. he can’t canonically play at this level again, so if he found another sport/competition/anything, it’d be amazing
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: he should never become demoralised. kiyoshi at heart is a dreamer, so let him dream, let him look towards tomorrow with a smile always
5 words to best describe them: “useless dreamy dumbass cheerleader clown”
My nickname for them: kiyoyo, bc my feelings about him have yo-yoed a lot lmao
Riko
Why I like them: im a lesbian, next. /j i love her because she’s so tenacious and driven. yet she’s also kind and gentle, and never loses her humanity. she cares, and she cares hard. she’s so fucking smart too like... coaching a hs basketball team at 17 against players of NBA calibre and making them win? i could never. seirin without riko is nothing.
Why I don’t: i dont like the constant slapstick of her beating up her boys. also, i dislike how the narrative forces her to act ‘feminine’ and then has the boys think of it as nothing. like first of all if someone like her offered me a kiss i would so take 100, and secondly... why is a girl’s worth so tied to her femininity? it’s awful
Favorite episode (scene if movie): her sending in furi vs kaijō, early in s3. it was an exceedingly smart move that could have only come from her knowing her players’ strengths and weaknesses intimately, and being a brilliant coach. just amazing <3
Favorite season/movie: all of them! riko has some amazing moments each season, so i can’t really pick
Favorite line: “Humans grow. Don't act like you understand when you don't even realize that!” here, riko knows and knows well that she is in her element. momoi might have the data, but riko understands adaptability and knows how to predict stuff. in that way, one can draw parallels between takao vs izuki and momoi vs riko: takao and momoi are recon experts, whereas riko and izuki are strategists. momoi uses raw data; riko manipulates the data to her advantage
Favorite outfit: idk if this is exactly an outfit but her glasses are so cute oh my gosh. (i’d kill to see her in a leather jacket tho)
OTP: rikomomo!!! i’m 100% sure that momoi’s fixation w/riko’s boobs is just... repressed lesbian sentiments. also sports girlfriends gimme
Brotp: hyuuizuriko. i hc that hyuuizu were tgt since elementary school and riko joined them in middle school so... childhood friends feels!
Head Canon: riko knows how to shoot a gun. her father owns one so it makes sense
Unpopular opinion: riko does not need to have bigger boobs in fanart. please stop sexualising a 17 year old girl
A wish: white suit riko please
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: her ever leaving behind sports in any way shape or form. it’s her thing. in the same vein, she should never have to change herself or become more traditionally feminine to be ‘appealing’
5 words to best describe them: perfect perfect perfect perfect perfect
My nickname for them: ai/riri
Aomine
Why I like them: aomine is just a pure, hurting young man that deserves help. he’s passionate, and his fire died down out of no fault of his own. that fire’s reignition through kagami is one of my favorite scenes <3
Why I don’t: he’s perverted as hell and i dislike that. it plays into the ‘brutish dark-skinned pervert’ stereotype which is yikes. also i thought we were done with pervs in anime
Favorite episode (scene if movie): s2 seirin v touou when kagami enters the zone!! aomine’s finally happy and it’s so amazing to watch <3
Favorite season/movie: s2, he finally got happiness and peace of mind
Favorite line: “You’re the best!” there’s just so much of pure joy in this line. he’s so so beside himself that he finally has someone he won’t destroy. kagami sees aomine the person, and that person is so happy, it’s beautiful
Favorite outfit: the leather jacket from the finale lmaooo he looked so cute
OTP: AOKAGA BABY i could write an essay tbh
Brotp: aomomo!! theyre such good friends and bi/lesbian solidarity too!
Head Canon: aomine cannot dance. he has stepped on kagami’s feet multiple times. he has also attempted to twerk when drunk. kuroko recorded the whole thing and uses it as blackmail in case the puppy eyes and “but aomine-kun you didn’t fist bump me back” don’t work
Unpopular opinion: more a fandom thing, but you all need to stop making aomine the aggressive/possessive top/‘seme’. it’s racist as fuck
A wish: aomine goes pro. it’ll be amazing for him, a huge challenge and kagami will be there too so its a win-win ;)
An oh-god-please-dont-ever-happen: he quits again/b-ball loses its allure. aomine at heart is someone who needs passion to drive him so i just want that passion to always burn bright within him
5 words to best describe them: “bastard baby needs a hug”
My nickname for them: dai-chan, momoi rubbed off on me
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MY THOUGHTS AND FEELINGS ABOUT OUTTAKES 16-18.5 BECAUSE I HAVE SO MANY
We have been blessed with 3.5 glorious new parts to the wonderful Losty Aone/ Mountain Man Series by the wonderful, amazing, awe-inspiring @shhhlikeme and i am emotional and have many many feelings about it all.
Outtake 16
I love that we got to see this from the reeader’s point of view, it was nice to see our losty y/n and see how their feeling. It was a nice break from feeling sad about Aone’s broken heart.
This part made me laugh ahaha
After dating and breaking up with him, Aone had females constantly approaching him. A/N: Not constantly but it felt that way for you ofc lol
the jealously😂, the Author’s note too like “it wasnt like that at all” 😂 this emotional person (y/n) is just blowing up the situation.
and then this:
In other words: They want what you had.
i mean of course they would, Aone is the sweetest boy but only to someone he loves. Aone’s heart is too strong to let waver to someone knew so quick
This whole outtake all i could think about was that Y/n really needs to get back with her mountain man, first they want to break up so Aone finds someone new but then doesnt want him to find someone new. Like cleary y/n is not being honest with herself or Aone.
When they went to the library, ahhh y/n really just imagining the worst scnenarios in their head😂
“Oh,” your stomach flipped. “He looks so cute.” You put on a 🥺 face when you noticed how utterly adorable a standing Takanobu looked
🥺🥺🥺 Aone is always such a cutie, and y/n really broke this man’s heart😭 I know it was insecurites but still. These two are so in love but just wont get back together.
The outfit y/n is wearing😍 you always pick these really cute and sexy outfits and I appreciate y/ns confidence and style but it is not me 😂😂 but Aone thirsting over his girl tho, i would dress up like that if it meant getting looked by Aone like that 😂
I love Aone’s plan, like he is such a sweetheart and he’s making me all soft at all his effort to win his girl back🥺🥺
This outtake really gave up all the feels y/n is feeling with breaking up with Aone and I am enjoing it 😂. At the same time though I just want these to love birds to get back together ahhhhh.
One of the things I really love about this story is how strong the friendship is and how we see the outside characters really show how much they care. A lot of stories (like shojou, oh man you dont know how much shoujo manga ive read haha) just sideline their friends after the start talking to their love interest or they dont even have friends at all in the whole story. I really enjoyed seeing Katana be a voice of reason in our losty’s life. And of course the K_nji’s being our boy Aone’s best friends.
Outtake 17
okay we starting with the real friends the K_nji’s warning our boy Aone about the situation. I love them and how much they care 😂. They can be dumbasses but still, I appreciate their effort.
The University—our University— sent her a uniform that’s a size or two too small.
Does this mean they’re going to the same university? or am I reading too much into it? It might have been mentioned before but I cant remember off the top of my head. Also Aone really living his best life and his worst life rn 😂😂 like he gets to see his girl in a super tight cheer leading uniform and spend one on one time with her but he cant do anything about his desires. His confidence tho haha “I’ve seen Y/N in a cheerleading uniform before” not like this you havent😏
Aone Takanobu can truly say—if he could speak—that he will never even question Futakuchi again.
Again I just really love their friendship, parts like this really get me 😂😂😂
When y/n took out Aone’s jacket automatically🥺🥺 my hearttttt, and how long Aone’s jacket is on them🥺🥺 this whole part made me so softtt. Like imagine wearing his jacket🥺🥺 it would be so comfy and warm.
There are so many golden lines I loved from this part, but Aone’s spank bank is just a phrase I wasnt expectng to read but it is gold. Im sure his bank is full and loaded😂
Then some random gross guy comes up to y/n, like the audacity of this guy.
He had such a disgusting grin on his face
🤮🤮🤮🤮🤮 this guy can back offfff.
I really love when Aone comes in to protect the reader🥺🥺 he’s not the iron wall for nothing too.
Your knight has arrived. Your ex-knight. ☹️
and then you go and hurt me again😭😭
I really wanted Aone to just kick a dude in the chest, like step the fuck off 😂😂.
“Take one more step toward her.” Aone growled in the smoothest voice.
“I dare you.” Aone added, for good measure.
Im absolutely swooning, Aoneeeeee🥺🥺🥺. And the fact that he wanted the reader to come with him so she wouldnt get anyone bothering her😭😭 he’s such a gentlemen. No one bothers Aone’s girl whose not his girl at the moment, especially guys who arent wanted
now onto the fun part of this outtake😏 I wasn’t expecting to see texts but it was definitely a nice addtion!! Our poor Aone soo horny and sweet, I dont know if the dead squirrels worked hahaha.
but he couldn’t help but wonder how he was going to edit all of this together in the time frame he promised he would with only one hand.
this went over my head when i read it the first time omg😂😂😂 Im sure Aone can do it, he’s a very capable man. This whole section had me laughing but also feeling slightly bad for Aone, again his poor horny heart right now is conflicted but very much fed. Im glad he was able to get a break, I dont think his length could wait (im not used to using subtle language hahaha) anyway this whole part was fun to read.
Aone bit his juicy bottom lip,
I legit bit my lip just before reading this part😂
Outtake 18 & 18.5
Now we’re hitting the climax!! (after Aone just hit his climax and is about to hit again😗)
—who imo really should return to their own homes now but would rather not—
I mean do these two even have their own homes anymore😂, theyre basically apart of the Aone family now. Family who also understand when to leave their horny pal alone for time being.
OKAY ONTO THE IMPORTANT PART!!! AHHHHHHHH.
“Aone-senpai, do you even have snapchat?!”
“Obviously not.” Kenji answered for his friend, being snappy.
“WELL HE SHOULD GET IT BECAUSE I SAW—“
Did Kanji see Y/N and Takeru?????? I also cant believe I learnt Takeru was a third year from this series, I always thought he was a second year for some reason. I think cos he was ennoshita’s rival. not important rn lmao
“—because Aone-senpai is jacking off again. It makes you feel lighter, and happier—so that’s why,”
this boy, there are some things you just shouldnt say out loud. Some things can be left unsaid (not like im blunt with my friends sometimes haha but still)
When Kenji had found out about why y/n dumped Aone😭😭😭😭 I’m glad he found out earlier then Aone, I wouldnt have wanted him to yell at the reader again.
Anyone that can do that, be so selfless—is good enough for his best friend.
🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺
“I can tell its her because that’s your sweater she’s wearing. Right? It says Takanobu on the back, and I remember seeing Y/N steal it out of your bag after practice once.”
🥺🥺🥺🥺🥺these parts really just made me soft. like the fact that y/n still had the jacket and wanted to wear it out. and the absolute coincedence that they were in the same cinema as Aone.
“Y/N.—Sh-She-She is wearing my attire. What does that mean?”
Yeah, big guy.
Yeah, you have a chance.
Y/N still has a little….tiny bit of feelings for you
YES YES YES FINALLY , I wanted to cry here😭😭 AND THEN KENJI CONFIRMED IT ALL AND AONE THE MAN WENT AND TRIED TO GET HIS GIRL. THIS REALLY IS THE DRAMATIC PART IN THE MOVIE. AND THEN THIS [redacted] TAKERU CAME AND AHHHHH
(Aone would know that face, he only saw it everyday he’s looked in the mirror for the past 3 years)
Absolutely dead. All hope—gone.
You make me happy and then just rip out my heart like 2 minutes later. I was going from crying happy tears to sad tears in like a heartbeat.
ALSO YOU DONT KNOW HOW UPSET I WAS WHEN I GOT TO THE END OF PART 18 I DIDNT REALISE THERE WAS 18.5 AND WAS AFRAID THAT THIS WAS IT AHHHHHH. I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO PLAY WITH MY FEELINGS THEN JUST LEAVE.
“I’m worried about you.” She finished, looking more serious than you’ve ever seen her.
y/n really has some good friends with her🥺
uhhh then Takeru comes in, I dont really hate him but no one stands in between our losties love, they deserve each other and no one can stand between them.
“But, tonight, if you need a shoulder to cry on, I’m just one theatre over… Okay? I have a pretty comfortable shoulder, so just text me.”
Okay this was pretty nice of Takeru, like cheesy but at least he cares and isnt staring at y/n like a peace of meat he wants to devour...
You sent it. Received a response within seconds saying he was on his way.
This boy, hes got a good heart but this isn’t your story bud, im sorry.
There! Kenji-san and Koganagewa-san, two males who were looking at you and Takeru as if you two were the villains in the movie that just popped out of the screen.
if this doesnt go well these two seem like they’re going to fight y/n outside the cinema😭😂 I couldnt imagine getting death stares from the K_njis especially after hurting Aone basically twice now.
Finding HIM was all that mattered.
OKAY THIS WHOLE PART, LIKE YES GO GET YOUR MAN PLEASE. LIKE Y/N CANT JUST LEAVE THIS RIGHT HERE LIKE THIS.
white hair visible only because his head was down, forehead kissing the steering wheel, his shoulders vibrating slightly because he is crying. It’s him.
I cant take anymore sad Aone😭😭 He needs the biggest hug and his girl to be his girl again. He has gone through so much.
“Kenji-san, please leave me—““Not Justin Bieber look-alike!”
I cant with the Justin Bieber look-alike. 😂😂
Im just going to talk about my feelings for this part, but the whole confesson. I felt like crying, i feel like crying now reading it😭 it was just so beautiful. Like y/n explaing everything and saying Aone is the only man she’ll ever love. Throughout the series we really go to understand Aone’s feelings so deeply and how passionate he is but we didnt really get to see how y/n felt as much so reading this made me happy for Aone for the fact that his girl loves him as much as he loves her. They really were lost for each other, lost with out each other, but together they were
Found.
okay maybe im tearing up now😭😭
One more marathon to go and our happy couple can live happily. The fact that this story is nearly over is a little sad but I’m happy our losties found each other. Im thinking since the next parts will be the last I’ll talk about overall themes I liked and my favourite moments as well.
#shhhlikeme#Losty Aone#Losty mountain man series#this took longer then i expected but i can finally post it!!!!
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hi im sorry for coming to your ask like this but i just literally have no one to talk to :(( i kinda feel like a shitty daughter? bc like i love my mom i really do but like when she comes into my room i immediately make excuses for her to get out bc im really not comfortable around them (kinda) and like i really have a hard time opening up to them idk when it happened but it just did.. and sometimes i push her out in a harsh tone?? It's like my mouth has a brain of its own 1/? -🐓
okay i put this under a read more because it got hella long!!
like i didnt have the intention to sound harsh but it just did! i feel awful, i want to be what we were before but like it just doesnt feel the same anymore! i also feel really bad when she says smth like why i was closer to my friends than i was with her which is like partially true but not really? maybe bc i always laugh w them but when it comes to problems like these, i dont really like to talk about it... i feel sick- disgusting even?? 2/? -🐓
i just want to show my mom the love she deserves bc shes literally the most supportive person to me but like i really dont know how. Im fucking frustrated!! i really want to get a counselor but idk how bc i find it awkward to say my personal problems face to face... it's so hsrd to live like this... i just want my old self?? back when i was so happy and just had no problems to think about... idk where she went but i want her back.. 3/? -🐓
and what also made me feel super bad is bc shes really patient?? Like even tho i use a harsh tone, shell answer calmy.. and even tho i push her away she always insist to help me even in the most mundane tasks.. she doesnt deserve a daughter like me :(( and whenever she coos abt how im still her baby i just- i feel loved but like my actions says other wise bc i may look like im pissed but im actually dont?!?! i just... want her to feel i appreciate her but idrk how.. 4/?-🐓
we were so close before... i just dont know what happened to me... im such a shitty person??? im sorry i came to your ask like this... i just dont have someone to talk to... im sorry tk bother you but like thank you for keeping your anon option open?? im so sorry to bother you again im just... my mind was just not in the right place at the moment and i just need it to get this out of my chest 😔😔 -🐓 5/5-----------
okay my adhd brain and i are gonna try and take this one sentence at a time so i don’t miss anything!!!
you can always talk to me, don’t apologize!! i mean if you’re not comfortable, that’s not your fault, that’s something that she’s inadvertently done to make you feel that way. if it bothers you (and i can tell it does) i would try and talk to her about it so you can get it off your chest because harboring discomfort or similar negative emotions will just breed resentment and will ultimately push y’all farther apart. but i feel that i mean i also am very defensive when my mom comes in my room because i just like my privacy from time to time (also like [vine white kid voice] dude this is your space this is your area she can’t do that to you)
but i mean it really sounds like you might be upset with her about something subconsciously so maybe do some soul searching to find out what it is? and idk your mom personally but that’s kind of guilt-trippy for her to compare your relationship with her to your relationship with your friends :( i get that she might just be bringing it up with you because it upsets her but you don’t have to share everything with your mother. you have no obligation to tell her everything about you!! i’m not saying you should keep secrets, but i’m saying that you have a right to privacy, both physical and emotional.
and i don’t really know how to help you show your appreciation because i don’t know your love languages or anything like that but! maybe if you just tell her “thank you” and “i appreciate you” with sincerity it’s a good start! like if she offers to help you and you don’t want help, maybe be like “no thank you but i appreciate you for offering help” and if you’re comfortable and she’s comfortable--maybe give her some hugs from time to time? like i’m very cuddly and sometimes i’m in a bad mood with my mom but i always go in later and apologize and give her a hug and a kiss on the cheek.
and on the topic of counseling i really would recommend you talk to a counselor! i’m by no means an expert on this (though i’m happy to talk to you about it) but i do know that opening up to a counselor can be hard, but you have to be patient and wait it out. it took me a long time to find the right counselor because i didn’t feel comfortable opening up to my old ones and would just manipulate them and said what they wanted to hear, but now i have one who, with time, made me feel very comfortable with sharing personal details about my life.
i don’t mean to be blunt but i’m gonna call you out for a second. “she doesnt deserve a daughter like me” “im such a shitty person” *whacks you with a rolled up newspaper* i don’t ever want to hear you say that about yourself. your mother loves you for, i’m sure, very good reasons. i know i don’t know you personally but i’m sure you have such a beautiful soul and i don’t ever and i mean e v e r want you to say that about yourself again. you’re a wonderful person full of love and compassion--you just have trouble expressing it at times, which is perfectly normal and valid. if you were actually a shitty person you wouldn’t have sent me these messages because you wouldn’t care about how you’re making your mom feel. so: you’re not a shitty person and she does deserve a daughter like you, and if i catch you talking down on yourself again you’re gonna catch these virtual hands, missy.
also: people grow and change. you may have been through some stuff that changed your outlook on life, and you may not have noticed how significant the event was going to be at the time! speaking from personal experience, i’ve been through shit and it’s changed my personality almost entirely. i understand reminiscing and mourning the past, but it won’t do any good to do that, because you can’t go back. you can only move forward and try and bring back some of the qualities in yourself that you miss. it’ll take time, and it won’t be a linear path of progress, but you gotta keep at it if you want to see results. habits are easy to form but incredibly hard to break, so you really have to persevere.
and again, please don’t apologize. you can always talk to me, on anon or off anon. you aren’t bothering me in the slightest, my dear. i’m very glad that you feel comfortable enough that you can talk to me!! reminder that you are loved and appreciated by many and that you deserve wonderful things in your life, okay? try and do something that makes you happy today, even if it’s something small. you deserve it.
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fuck sam walmarts
and fuck management
I’ve had it. Left the store in tears tonight.
as some peoople probably/hopefully know. walmart closes at 6 pm on christmas eve. no one actually gets to leave at 6 becuase of shitty last minute customers. but it is what it is.
this. is really personal but im honestly SO close to just. killing myself? so who cares
basically. had a really really bad last few days. spent a lovely time with family (jessies family, his oma and opa and sister and parents and it was just a great time. theyre more family to me than most of my blood family) but it did make me Sad in Deep ways as we dont know if this is going to be our last christmas with his oma who isnt doing so good. and it just twisted me up a little but was othewrsiwse a great day. but then sunday i just...had a huge breakdown in the morning and decided to use my accomodation (i get 2 excused absenses a month) to cool down and gte myself together. slept a lot. woke up adn got a lot done, felt great, then i CRASHED really really bad, got really angry, lashed otu, took like...8-10 sleeping pills...theyre horrific things and im never doing that again...had to sleep for two days after that...felt horrifically sick, in pain, just awful. had repeating nightmares over and over. which has also been wearing me down recently. wasnt able to work monday either because i still couldnt stand and between the pills and the depression/anxiety and really just. felt like the world was ending.
decided sometime last night id just...try my best to make it in today, work my shift (really long 9-6, knowing i wouldnt leave on time nad htisis my first time working in 5 days now...which is rough...) and if i can get through this, i have another couple days off in a row after that (schedules fault, not mine...do feel awful i missed 3 days before that though...) and we can just. get back on track
today i DID go to work, jessie drove me in
i worked. a long time. im supposed to get a break every 2 hours and a 1 hour lunch
i gott my first break on timeish.
then i got my lunch 6 hours after i got in. at which time i got “locked out” for not taking my lunch and coudlnt do anything on the registers. i was supposed to get it 4 hours in. its christmas eve and excruciating and im still in pain and tired from my previous days breakdowns, but otherwise?? i did really good. i didnt mind at all that my lunch was so late. i was a little miffed, but its ok. i dont care, so long as i get it eventually. anyway they FINALLY noticed i was locked out and got me coverage and i ended my lunch at 4. things continued ok. worked on self checkout, met a lot of regulars i really like, prevented $200 of theft (HAHA WOW that was really really funny i love preventing petty theft. i prevent so much theft every week its my pride and joy) just did okay. then they had us close self checkout that took a little while. then at 5:00-5:10 or so i went to my Manager/Supervisor/”““People LEad” as walmart is now trying to call them, lets call her manager Y, and i told her i still need my break and will i get it before i leave. she said go to register 4. i asked again hey will i get my break though and she said yeah and i thought to mysel HAHA thats not going to happen but ok
really stupid that after bieng locked out the first time she couldnt give me my break before i openned a register with a line i cant get rid of
anywayy i did ok otherwise for a while
but at 5:25 or so i reminded a CSM “hey i need my break still can i get that?” and she just ssaid yeah well try to get someone and then more time passed so much time. i put through an ask on the register “assistance needed”. waited another 10 minutes. “assistance needed” again. starting to get anxious. its past 5:40. the line is so long. theres so MUCH NOISE. Its SO LOUD. the intercom keeps going off, no one is responding to me, i dont have a mat to stand on so my knees HURT,, im not doing okk
i switch my light to flashing/need assistance and start looking for someone to ask for help. its 5:45, i need my break NOW, i DESERVE IT for workng this long ass shift and they already missed several of my last breaks a week ago AND got me locked out today and im STARTING TO GET ANXIOUS PELASE I JUST WANT MY BREAK SO BAD
nnthgen a csm is passing by im about to lose it, so i tell her CSM J, please i really need my break now PLEASE and im starting to ccry and i try to tell her whats going on but she shushes me and goes and gets sometone
im full on tears at this point, im so strreesed out,,
manager Y and some other snooty manager come over andd. ffkcing. ask me whats wrong. im crying and i try to explain im really really stressed out, i havent had my last break, ive been trying to get someone for so long now, i just really need to leave im so sorry
and theyy just. fckkng
ffcking manager Y jjst ssays ok “ill give you your break” and “this is your last break” and i ssaid?? yeah i knoww?? andd she saidd “next time youre like this, just dont come in”
i quote that completeltyyy....i really lost it then...i cried som muchh
this isnt the first itme she said something like this to meee...
she asked me “why are you CRYING” When i had an anxiety attacki n the store once, when ic cloked in and couldnt get myself together,, she didnt give me time to calm down, she didnt listen as to why, she just said “why are you crying. this is a BUSINESS. you cant be CRYING Here.” and i just said ok ill go home bye and leftt
andd when i tried to get my availability changed from 7-9 to 7-6/7-7 because the random late shifts with 7 am shifts was messing me up really really bad and my doctor thinks i need to hcange it too, she just said “i cant do that. thisi sa BUSINESS.” and she wouldnt listen when i said i might have to quit because of this, this is for my health, im literally scheduled 7-2 every sunday in december, busiest day of the busiest month and you cant even chop TWO HOURS off my weekend availability????
andd i jjst
ive HAD IT with her
ive had ittt
im so ashamed and angry and anxious and i still havent stopped cryingg. she called me over to her again as i was leaving and she blamed me for it. she ssaid a customer was upset that i “Screamed” (ues i raised my voice a little but i wasnt screaming??? also the two customers i was attending to when this was going on and i cried were VERY KIND nad jjst said i was doing a good job and thanked me for being there) and called a manager over (but...csm J got them?? not a customer...??) and i cant be acitng like this, i cant do customer service when im stressed,, and d i should just STAY HOME If im going to be like that
then shee fufkcing toold me i DID IT WRONG, that i “shouldve called someone over” I TOLD HER I DID!!!!! I DID!!!!!!!!!! YOU NAIL INTO MY HEAD IM NOT ALLOWED TO LEAVE THE REGISTER SO I DIDNT, I DID EVERYTHING ELSE I COULD THOUGH!!! I REQUESTED HELP TWICE!! I TURNED MY LIGHT TO FLASHING!!! I TRIED TO CATCH A MANAGER WALKING BY TO HELP ME!!! N OONE LISTENED UNTIL IT WAS TOO LATE, I DID EVERYHTING I COULD!! yet she seriously told me to my face that “you didnt call anyone”, “you couldve turned your light to flashing” WHICH I DID and sshee jjst said that i made customers uncomfortable and i cant work like thatt and just stay hhome
ii stayed home sunday because i was having a mjor mental emergencyy.
i came in today because i was feeling better and i took it eaasy and ended up doing a wonderful job and mad eso many people smilea nd fixed so many problems that wouldve otherwise upset a lot of folks and i met my regulars and made old folks smile andd i prevented a lot of theft that no one else wouldve caughtt and i jjstt broke down after 9 hours and not getting a last break and all the chaos of register (WHICH BY THE WAY THEY KNOW I DONT LIKE REGISTER!!! I THRIVE ON SLE FCHECOUT!!! THATS MY JOB TITLE!! THATS WHAT I DO!!!! THEY KNOW THISS!!!!) and HER AVOIDING GIVING ME MY FUCKING BREAK and NOT RESPECTING MY FFUCKING METNAL DISABILITIES LJNASDKAJHDBASJSDNAJSNDKANSD
I JJST DONT KNOW WHAT TO DOO
i really want to die and i really want to never go back but i really loved my job i loved helpting people ii jjst hate her so muchhh and i feel GENUINE DREAD/SEVERE ANXIETY jjst SEEING her nnow
she doesnt CARE about anyone but herself shes a horrible peson i cant tell the store manager though cause she wont care either and manager Y has more clout than me so shell just twist my words and make me out as the bad guy as hte “CRAZY ONE” who cries and gets stressed (FOR COMPLETELY VALID REASONS AFTER BEING PUSHED OVER THE EDGE) even tthough i work SO FFRIKCING HARD and do SUCH A GOOD JOB and asdjanjsdhajshdas
i d ont know what to doo
i cant work another job because no where else pays as much or will let me do self checkout only, because being a cashier stresses me so muchh
ii...really wanntted to grow stuff and make preserves and sell bee products and work with folks raising heritage sheep and make more fiber art andd open a little stall at a local market and sell all that,, and offer more online and do customs andd stuff
i know i could mkae money that wa ybut i ccantt start it so sudenly and im too Broken to do it seriouslyy and i dont even want to HAVE to quit because of ONE PERSON But shes done this so many times now and this is the nfinfal streaww
i jjst dont know what to doo...
i cantt stop cryingg
i cant even enjoy christmas nnow. wanted to see my stepdad and give him his presernt and maybe be ok.
last christmas we had to move because our house was condemned after a fire. now im going to have to lose my job because of a horrible manager who doenst respect my metnal health or anything about me reallyy. and unfortunately im such a failure that i cant. do anything else and if i lose this job ill lse my animla sand i wotnt be able to do anyhtingg andd im jjust fucking trash
goddammit i dont know what to do. i really dont. hhahaaa. i just really want to end it. ive come so far and none of it fucking matters because of thiss fucking horrible manager.
#jjst...ffeels like shes violating somethingg#and treating me a LOT like how my abusive mother used to treat me#why are you CRYING? you cant be trying here. this is a BUSINESS.#is a lot like Why Do You look so MISERABLE all the time?? why are you CRYING??#and shit like IGNORING ME when i try to change my hours#straight up ignoring me#she basically made it clear shed rather me QUIT than fuckingg chop 2 hours off my AVAILABILITY#ITS SO FRUSTRATING#AND SHES SUCH A HYPROCRITE#scheduled 7-2 every sunday!!#yet you cant change my availability to 7-7??#you NEED ot keep it until 9???#but working until 9 and getting home around 10 and getting no sleep because i need to take care of my pets and myself#and get up at 5:30 the next morning for work at 7#WHEN THAT COULD EASILY BE ALTERED BY CHIPPING A COUPLE HOURS OFF MY AVAILABILITY#AND MY DOCTOR ALSO THINKS I NEED TO CHANGE IT TOO#BUT WHO FUCKING CARES RIGHT ITS A BU S I N E S S#SURE SURE BUT WHEN A CUSTOMER FLIPS THE SIGN ON A $7.94 SHIRT#TO SAY 0.94 CENTS#WITH THE CENTS SIGN!!!!#THEN I HA V E TO HONOR IT#THATS A+ BUSINESS RIGHT THERE#BITCH DOESNT EVEN KNOW HOW TO APPROVE A COUPON ON SLEF CHECKOUT!!!!#AND OUR FRICKING STORE MAANGER MAKES TRIPLE FIGURES!!!#BUT NO ONE FUCKINGG CARES#NO ONE FUCKING CARES#I DONT KNOW WHAT TO DO ANYMOREE#id dont want to have to lose my job and stability over this one person#but this isntt...ok#i shouldnt have to go to work and deal with MORE emotional abuse
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tutor au | dance instructor minho
lee minho was the fuckboy of your university
and everybody knew that!!!
except for you (u just thought he was hot <3___<3)
so when you decided you wanted to switch your major to dancing
your best friend woojin was like
“NO!! Y/N WHY WOULD YOU EVEN CONSIDER-?”
and u were like ?? i love to dance ?? let me dance william ??
since you were a first year, you had no idea about any of the students at ur uni or ANYTHING
so you’re all excited the day before your first class and even more excited that a student usually led the class
since teachers gave you big anxiety and it’d probably be easier talking to a Fellow Peer.
u were wrong.
the next day, u were getting ready for class and as usual, woojin stopped by ur dorm with coffee like the perfect angel he is but he was in a Very sour mood that morning
“wake up on the wrong side of the bed, princess?”
“SH- SHUT UP!!! i’m nervous for you today :(“
and ur heart is like :( aw william its ok :( but ur brain was like
“what’s the big idea with this class anyway? why are u so stressed out??”
“minho is the student teacher”
“ok”
“OK!!! SO BE CAREFUL”
and ur like: i’m More than capable of taking care of myself <3 minho ain’t shit
yeah No
when you walked into that class On That Fateful Day.
minho’s eyes were the first ones on you and Boy were you flustered when he smiled at you
and
OH GOD HE’S WALKING TOWARDS U
good luck homie ur gonna need it.
you were so zoned out that when he was like “hey!!!” you didn’t hear him
so like any normal human being, minho yelled a Nice Loud “YAH!” which caught the attention of the whole class including yourself
all the girls were like >:( no Lee Know look at ME!! >:( but he was like
“are you y/n switched majors, right? hope you can keep up.”
minho then moves in front of the class and starts the warm ups
and u were like ??? I DONT KNOW ANY OF THESE ???
so u start stretching the way you normally did at home before you’d dance
which earned you some dirty looks but you didn’t understand Why
to make a long and tiring story short, your first class kicked your ass.
so when you were headed towards the door, you were stopped by None Other Than Lee Minho
“saw you struggling today.”
“yeah, i didn’t know you’d be right in the middle of learning a dance.. i feel so dumb switching majors because criminology was so much easier and i-”
“why don’t you come to the studio tomorrow night? i can help you learn if you want.”
and he was so confident you were going to say yes
because he’s lee minho and nobody really rejects him
but you heard woojins Annoying Ass in the back of your head
so you kindly said no and instead asked for a video of the dance for reference so you could practice later
which he gave you but not without bothering you
“are you sure you don’t want my help tomorrow night?”
“it’s easier with help from a real person, you know.”
“what, you don’t like me?”
you had to admit that saying no to him was Really hard because he was so captivating but you also knew that woojin would have an actual heart attack over you spending time with lee minho at Night.
so when u got home to ur small dorm and made urself some nice cheap chicken flavored ramen, there was BANGING ON UR DOOR and ur like O____O WHO THE FUKC
but don’t worry it’s just woojin <3
but woojin brought his friend w him and was like “hey <3 we were in the neighborhood.”
and u were like Woojin U Live Two Doors Down From Me but his friend was lowkey cute so u just shut up rlly quick ok.
woojin was like >:D this is my friend, CHRIS.
chris was really sweet to u and stuff and woojin was like nudging him the whole time they were over which made u suspicious but you’d bring it up to him later
“so how was your first day of class?”
“GOD SO. i zoned out when i first walked in, you know like how i always zone out, and Lee Minho Walked Up To Me and yelled and got my attention and all the girls in that class were so judgy, woojin i wanted to DIE. and then!!!! after class fucking minho walks up to me and asks if i want to practice with him tomorrow night-”
and woojin cut u off right there and threw himself at ur feet
“PLEASE TELL ME U SAID NO”
“i did.. why?”
chris who was watching you vent about minho in amazement was like
“that’s how he gets you, most girls never actually Practice with him.”
and the dots connected in your head and you were like WOW ARE U KIDDING
you felt really gross after that
why were men so GROSS
“men disgust me… no offense.. or Full Offense if you pick up girls like that..”
chris was like “if it was ME-”
and woojin was like “ME AND CHRIS HAVE TO GO NOW BYE Y/N” and fucking left while chris was mid sentence
so you cleaned up your Tiny dorm and practiced stretching like how they did in the class that day and then watched the video minho gave you to reference which OF COURSE was a video of him dancing
and boy were you fascinated with how good he was
but you got a lot of the dance down that night.
after ur shower u got into ur bed and chris followed u on instagram and u were like
wait.
waaaaaaait.
so ur thumbs went to work texting woojin like “what the fuck”
“did u like chris :D”
“am i that single that u have to set me up with your friends?”
“no.. maybe… he LIKES u…”
“whatever.”
so then you text chris who opens your message immediately and is like
“there’s a party at my frat tomorrow night <3 wanna be my date”
and ur like Not really. but u reply with “sure!!” and ok
wow so u got a date
but u know whos a frat boy?
Lee Know.
but u didnt know that
the next day you didn’t have a lot of work to do so you just!! practiced some more and chilled out until you had to get ready for the ~party~ and it was your first!! university party!! so you went ALL OUT and you looked like a FREAKIN SNACK
and chris was late picking you up but you told him it was okay
and things were fine
but woojin wasn’t there and he was always there whenever you were drinking
like your own lookout and that made you a little hesitant to drink at first but chris Insisted and you gave in
turns out minho was watching the whole scene
yeah okay he had a girl on his arm
but thats another story
it turns out that chris wasn’t as sweet as you thought he was
this became news to minho when his date uttered something like “another day, another helpless girl- that poor thing.”
and minho was like HUH?!!?!?!
and she explained how chris would get girls drunk and take advantage of them
minho didn’t like that
one.
bit.
you were on the verge of being completely wasted when chris asked if he could take you home which you said yes to immediately because you didn’t want to embarrass yourself while being drunk
but as you were being led out of the frat house, minho was leaning against the frame of the entrance
!!!!! wtf RENO?!?!
chris was like -____- what do u want
nd minho was like ? duh im taking y/n home?
u nd chris were like: BITCH- NO.
you don’t remember exactly what happened but the boys exchanged words and before you knew it, you seen chris being tackled to the ground and minho was goin AT IT BRO
and you were like wtf!!!!!!!!!!!
seeing the fight made you sober up a bit and honestly to be honest, minho was losing
w his stupid ass
chris got tired of beating his ASS and stood up, nodded at you and made a gross remark about you before walking away
and minho tried to get up and fight him again but he was WHOOPED
so you let him take you home
and cleaned up his face and knuckles
and made up the couch for him because he was exhausted and you figured he deserved to rest here since he DID stand up for you and save you from god knows what chris was going to do
but he was still minho the fuckboy
and woojin, barging into your dorm at the crack ass of dawn, was VERY unhappy to see mr Lee Know.
“hey y/n i brought coffee- WHAT THE FUCK.”
“morning, princess.”
and u forgot minho was on ur couch until u looked at him sleeping peacefully- nd he looked like a FUCKING ANGEL!!!
you then explained the situation that happened last night and woojin was like “it really be ur own people.”
no but woojin was really upset bc he adored u and didn’t want anything bad to happen to u
and blamed himself for not going to the party w you
your lil moment was interrupted when minho Rose and his shirt? gone!
so there he STOOD in just his sweatpants and man did he look like a SNACK
“am i interrupting something?”
“NO!” u said
“YES!” woojin said
minho jus smirked at u and put his shirt on, meeting ur eyes as u stared
but CAN I BLAME U? NO, HES A SNAKC!!!
anyway minho thanked u for letting you crash there and said he would see u later for class
BECAUSE OYU HAD CLASS!!! WITH MINHO AGAIN TODAY
woojin was like “-____- maybe i should come to class w you”
and u were like “william baby girl,,.. No”
woojin still doesn’t know why you call him william
you drank coffee and spilled tea w your bff as usual
and then it was time to get ready for class
nd woojin chilled on ur bed while u went and showered
in the shower you couldn’t stop thinking ab minho!!!
his stupid pretty eyes nd his stupid pretty EVERYTHING!!
you zoned out and woojin had to yELL to bring u back to earth
anyway you got ready and put a lil bit of effort into ur look! bc u were gonna see minho.. its really gross of u but thats FINE
imagine being a het :/
so class was torture like not as bad as before but it was like minho made things way harder jus to piss you off
after class, he didn’t approach you and you wanted to thank him for the previous night.. you know, sober.
so you walked up to him and he looked a Lil flustered but quickly covered it up and let a look of amusement spread across his features
“miss me already?”
“i just wanted to thank you for last night.. i still don’t know how to like.. show my appreciation!!”
minho was looking at u and u looked like an angel to him and he HATED it.
he had a class full of girls who were basically in Love with him but he was drawn to you only and it made him MAD!!!
“it’s whatever~ don’t worry about it.”
and u were like bet! bye!
and turned around and started to walk away
“wait!”
you spun around and he was Right there
“let me buy you food at least… i seen the lack of it in your dorm.”
the lights in the dance studio were dim and the only light that was coming in through the windows was the dulled brightness of the sun setting
all of the lights and colors hit your face perfectly
what a perfect opportunity, you know?
minho leaned in and before you knew it, you were leaning in too.
it was like you were both sent into a frenzy when your lips met each other
but nothing went too far because when minho tried to reach up your shirt
woojin barged into the studio and was like >:(!!!!!
but the three of u laughed it off nd yea!
btw woojin is so gay, but every1 thinks ur the love of his life
and u ARE!!
platonically
but romantically? woojin has a bf
and now so do u!!
nd yea everyone was doubtful bc it was Minho.. the FUCKBOY OF UR UNI
but you made him big happy!!! and he helped you dance
and fed you whenever you were hungry
and rarely ever slept at the frat house since he was always in your bed
every single night
clinging to u
its so CUTE!!
im happy for u <3
#lee minho#lee know#lee minho imagine#lee know imagine#stray kids au#lee minho x reader#lee know x reader#woojin!!#kim woojin#stray kids x reader#stray kids#tutor au#bang chan#chris bang#christopher bang#i made chris an asshole#im sorry BABY GIRL!!#fuckboy!minho#dance line#stray kids dance line
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endgame spoilers i watched it a couple weeks ago here are my complaints lol
nebula and gamora...... were done so dirty lmao....... i am not surprised, i knew this was gonna happen but still.
i mean i really liked nebula in endgame! i love seeing how far she’s come since gotg! she played a larger role in this film than i was expecting and that was nice!
i just disliked the fact that she ends up killing her past self?? it’s such an example of the problem with these big ensemble films... other characters’ arcs take precedence over other characters and so like while killing her past self makes sense for the overall narrative... it doesnt make sense for nebula’s character arc....
or like how since this the last film in which we’ll be seeing all original avengers together, of course it’s them that are prioritized over other characters which means Of Course it’s tony that ultimately defeats thanos even tho really it makes more sense for thanos to be defeated by nebula and gamora and that would’ve been a rly big development in their arcs but guess not! i guess! no can do!
they tried to make the tony vs thanos conflict this Big Dramatic Thing but in reality it is sooooo impersonal....... which makes the conflict and the resolution of that conflict just not very interesting to me...
like imagine if the gotg films were it’s own franchise. no other marvel movies exist, it’s not connected to anything else, it is it’s own thing. then that would mean the gotg franchise has thanos for itself and those films would be leading up to the defeat of thanos which can be fulfilled by nebula and gamora because theyre protagonists of these films. imagine how satisfying that wouldve been!! like gotg has always focused on themes of family! that franchise ending with nebula and gamora defeating their abusive adoptive father with the help of their new found family wouldve been so emotionally impactful and satisfying!
but nnnoooo instead we get tony vs thanos. they don’t even know each other. they’re just that one guy that got in the way of their desires. just an obstacle. that connection is not deep enough to be interesting
ok i went off on a tangent there but back to nebula killing her past self.... Why. we know that given time, the nebula that we see can change for the better! we know bc we see that nebula right there! our nebula! but nooope instead of getting a powerful scene about nebula literally staring her trauma right in the face and how she feels about that now that she’s grown so much...... she just kills her? i mean she tries to appeal to her? but this past nebula isnt given the time she needs to grow! she’s just killed off with 0 compassion......... and it’s such... a sad and unsatisfying development... like there’s a difference between “letting the past die” and killing your past traumatized self.... like if her past self deserves to die and isnt worthy of compassion then that just goes against our nebula’s entire existence? she is the person she is in the present bc she was shown compassion and was allowed to grow! why is this nebula not deserving of that? it’s literally just bc it’s inconvenient to everyone else... thats awful.
then there’s gamora...... like she finds out about this future in which thanos succeeds in his plan and........... she fucking WAITS???? SHE WAITS TO STOP HIM??? IM SORRY BUT WHHHAAAAT THE FUCK??????
like!!! this is literally around the time in our timeline when gamora enacts her plan to ditch thanos and steal the power stone for herself as soon as she finds out that he’s found it’s location in order to stop it from getting into his hands. you’re telling me that gamora waits A LONG SIGNIFICANT AMOUNT OF TIME after thanos gets all the information he needs to get not just the power stone but ALL THE OTHER INFINITY STONES before attempting to stop him?? YOURE ASKING ME TO BELIEVE THAT?? THAT SHE WOULDNT IMMEDIATELY OR AT LEAST AS SOON AS POSSIBLE TRY TO STOP HIM?
like if i remember correctly, by the time she teams up with future nebula to try to stop thanos, he’s already made significant progress in formulating/enacting his plan to get all the infinity stones..... like she doesnt try to sabotage/steal the information re:time travel in order to keep thanos away from the stones??? it doesnt make sense. it does not make sense that she would wait i cant get over it what the fuck
alsooo...... while im glad that gamora isn’t just Dead now and that there’s an alive gamora out and about.... it Upsets me deeply that this isnt our gamora lmao. and this isnt just me being unnecessarily sentimental. it just sucks storytelling wise. gamora underwent so much development from the 1st gotg up to infinity war...... and now all of that is all Gone bc new gamora didn’t experience ANY of that! like saying her development was retconned maybe isn’t exactly true bc all of that development still happened and is Canon but... it’s basically all irrelevant now bc! again! this gamora didnt go through any of it!
when peter and gamora reunite in infinity war and peter is emotional and gamora is like What the Fuck? like ha ha yeah funny but...... peter and gamora are very important to each other. theyve been through a lot together. whether or not you like their romance is whatever but them telling each other “i love you” in infinity war was such a HUGH DEAL considering everything they went through as individuals..... and now that development is Gone. and it sucks.
rly i felt all the female characters in endgame got the short end of the stick in this movie :/ like sure theres that One Group Shot... and sure it made whiny men cry so that’s great... it’s cool but like it felt so shallow to me! the bare minimum! very few of the women in that scene actually significantly contributed to the plot of endgame.... like it’s So Easy to put all these women in one shot but it’s a whole other thing entirely to give those women actual Roles in the plot. they even fridged another women in the Literal Exact Same Way they did in infinity war! the exact same way! like the 1st time they did it was unnecessary and unjustifiable to me and then they really went and did it again exactly the same! ALRIGHT! COOL I GUESS!
also captain marvel was so hyped up as being the Key to defeating thanos but the film comes out and i dont think she’s even in it for like 5 minutes total screentime. i mean i wont lie. seeing her fight thanos no problem was really really cool and i loved it but then it lasted what? 10 seconds?
idk it’s just. rly rly easy to give superficial nods to the strength of these women and while, yes, it bothers whiny man babies and isnt harmful... it’s still superficial <:/ like these are just tiny itty bitty baby steps. it’s 2019 please allow female characters to play larger more significant roles in stories..... alluding to their strength is not the same thing as that. hire female writers.
overall i didnt have a Bad Time watching this movie? i actually laughed plenty. all the scenes with scott are wonderful. but overall the movie was just... fine... and left me feeling empty and indifferent like a lot of other mcu films leave me feeling <:) despite it’s faults i enjoyed iw a lot better and so endgame felt anticlimactic to me which is yknow. bad. considering it’s supposed to be a big finale.
sorry to be a big ol No Fun Allowed boy but i mean. the thing that i find so attractive about these films is Character! like ive only rly enjoyed a handful of mcu films but the reason i keep coming to watch the new ones is bc the idea of these characters is so attractive to me! this expansive superhero universe gives a big opportunity to explore a whole bunch of different characters and a whole bunch of different character dynamics. and while for the most part the mcu is good at producing distinct, conceptually interesting characters.... theyre generally not very good at utilizing them and building them up... which is why they leave me feeling empty
#this is rly long im sorry lol#you may be thinking 'hey tenten why do you keepign watching these movies if they disappoint you more often than not'#the answer is: i love disappointing myself#ten2 talks
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Roots and Leaves, Pt. 8
All done!
“-son. Master Jason.”
Fuck, Alfred’s dead? The end is extremely fucking nigh.
But, if he’s going to be selfish (which got him into this, you’d think he’d learn)…at least he has company in…wherever this is.
His hands still hurt, though, which he finds very unfair.
“You are no better at feigning unconsciousness than you were at fifteen, sir.”
He’s not tryin’ to…
Why does Death look like his old bedroom. Is this some sorta ‘ease into it’ area?
“There you are.”
“Alfie?”
Alfred hasn’t changed one bit. Jason will bet that his mustache hasn’t even grown, or shed a hair, or anything.
“How are you-”
Alfred.
He hugs him and he hasn’t changed, not one goddamn bit. Alfred hugs him back, one hand cupping his neck and the other moving firmly up and down his spine. Alfred’s here, everything’s gonna be okay, at least for another minute…
The hand on his spine moves and his head’s tilted up with a soft, “Oh, my boy.”
It’s over. Any dignity he had is gone. He presses his face against Alfred’s chest (fabric softener Earl Grey home) and doesn’t even try to pretend he’s not crying. He’s never been able to keep anything from Alfred anyway.
“M’sorry.”
“Oh, my boy,” Alfred says again, and those sturdy hands press against his head and neck. “There is nothing to apologise for.”
He tries to take a few deep breaths, to get himself under control for fuck’s sake, and can’t. He can’t do it anymore.
But Alfred is a literal saint, and he doesn’t try to coax him to talk or to sit up or to do anything at all, even after his jacket must be soaked through. He just sits there, marginally more slumped than he usually is, and rubs a hand in slow, steady circles over Jason’s shoulders.
At some point, he senses a presence in the doorway, but before he can straighten up it’s gone again and now, without that motivation, it’s easier to just stay here where it’s safe and warm.
He eventually runs out of tears but his face is now wet and swollen and hot. His nose feels like it’s swollen shut and he’s been reduced to careful, thought-out breaths that rattle in his throat and burn in his chest. Sitting up is too much work.
Alfred props him up anyway and rubs a cool washcloth over his face before letting him take it and hold it against his now-puffy eyelids.
“That’s it, Master Jason.” If Bruce is Sherlock Holmes, then Alfred is Watson. They don’t deserve him. “That’s it. Deep breaths, there we are.”
“M’sorry, Alfie,” he forces out, voice strangled. “M’sorry-”
“That’s enough of that.”
“But-”
“I won’t hear any more of that.” Oh, boy. That’s the ‘you’re on thin ice and should just shut up’ voice. Even now, it’s scary and he doesn’t have the courage to go against it.
A straw presses against his lips-limeade-and Alfred continues, a little gentler now, “I cannot imagine that you purposefully buried yourself for any reason, Master Jason. Am I correct?”
He laughs. He can’t help it. It sounds so nice put like that.
“No. No, I…I didn’t. I didn’t.” He is not going to start crying again. He refuses. Sheila flashes behind his eyes, blonde and blue and red, and he presses the washcloth down hard enough to hurt. “I…she s-said. She said she was out. Sh-she said she was out, Alfred, I thought…just once…”
“From the beginning, Master Jason.” Calm, but making it very clear that he doesn’t have a choice. “Who is ‘she’?”
He swallows, knows he’s imagining something squirming at the back of his throat. Alfred waits.
“Sheila Haywood,” he finally whispers. “I…Bruce’s files…she might have been my mother.”
He doesn’t have to look to know Alfred’s got that little frown between his eyebrows, the one that says he’s deeply upset. Jason presses the washcloth tighter against his eyes, sparking colors, and his wrist is tugged at until the colors die off.
“I just…she approached me, Alfie, I swear, I didn’t…I just thought…” He swallows again, forces himself to let the washcloth fall to his lap. “M’tired of bein’ second choice, Alfred.”
He doesn’t have time to brace himself before he’s pulled back down and somehow…folded…so that he’s tucked against Alfred’s chest like he’s thirteen again and still fits.
“Jason Peter Todd,” Aw, shit. “you have never been second choice, do you understand?”
But…
Look. He’s very well aware that he wouldn’t be here if Dick hadn’t had that fallout with Bruce. And oh, boy, has he ever learned the Joys of Being the Second Child-‘Dick did this’, ‘Dick did that’, and on and on and on. He’s come to terms with that fact, it’s fine, whatever.
But arguing that point (or any point) with Alfred is a Bad Idea.
And. And he’s here, now, because Bruce…Bruce came to pick him up, when he asked. So. That means something, doesn’t it?
His head hurts.
Alfred sighs at his non-answer but lets it go for the time being.
“What happened with Miss Haywood?”
He’s not moving. He’s staying right here until this is all over.
“Some moron tried to hold up the grocery store…”
* * *
Jason feigns sleep for the rest of the day, until Bruce is out on patrol. Sneaking past the Batman isn’t impossible, but it’s definitely hard and with his hands almost completely useless, well…
The last thing he wants or needs is a lecture on Trust and Rushing Into Things and Dammit, Jason, This is What Got You Captured by the Joker. He knows that, thanks, Bruce.
(And yeah, okay, he knows lectures are Bruce’s way of saying I Love You, but some people swear a punch to the face is an I Love You, so.)
Sneaking past Alfred, on the other hand…now that really is impossible.
He’s halfway down the stairs when there’s an irritated, “A-HEM,” from behind him. Crap.
“I was thirsty?”
Alfred gets this expression that Jason will swear means he’s envisioning smacking him upside the head with a rolled-up newspaper. Yeah. Okay. Game’s up.
“I just…I need some time,” he says, eyes fixed on a knot in the wooden banister. “I can’t face him, Alfred, not now.”
Not for a long time, probably. Not without a massive blow-up on both sides and it’s better if no one else is around to be caught in that crossfire.
And besides. Right now, he just…his apartment may be kinda crappy, but it’s not haunted by a stupid kid who swore up and down that
“Being Robin gives me magic!”
“This is the best day of my life.”
There’s too many ghosts in this house.
Alfred comes forward and pats his shoulder.
“At least permit me to provide you with a few easy-to-reheat meals.”
“I’m okay-”
“Humor an old man.”
That is a trap. That is a trap, it’s just better to nod and neither protest or nor agree. And he’s got time, before Bruce gets back.
“Thanks, Alfred.”
“Hm.”
He’s ushered towards the kitchen. It hasn’t changed a bit-still homey and warm and with those same comfy stools by the counter. He remembers having after-school snacks there and chattering a mile a minute about ‘so Mister Pierce set his desk on fire in chemistry and it was so cool I gotta try that y’think B’ll let me-?’
“If I hear one word about you being out before those hands have healed, there is no power on Heaven or Earth that will spare you, is that clear?”
He believes. He believes.
“Yeah.”
“Good.” An icebox appears out of nowhere. “Do you need a ride?”
“No, I, uh…I called an Uber. I didn’t think I could drive.”
“Wise choice.” Alfred sets the icebox down and grips Jason’s arms. “You will always have a home with us, Master Jason. Remember that.”
He is not going to start crying again. He is not.
“Thanks, Alfred.”
* * *
The Uber guy is more interested in his radio than in Jason and that’s just fine. It means he’s not going to pester him, which means that he can twist around to watch Wayne Manor shrink into the distance through back window.
When he gets home, he opens his e-mail. Nothing new, but Sheila’s are still there. He deletes most of them.
But.
He can’t. Even now, after everything, he can’t bring himself to hate her. Not really.
He moves the remaining few to his ‘save it’ folder, where he won’t open them by mistake, and goes outside for a cigarette. Lighting it’s a pain, and there’s a few minutes that he’s terrified that he’s going to light the bandages on his hands on fire, but he manages it, in the end, and leans on the railing to watch the cars go by below.
In another unit, he can hear Mz. Melinda May cackling and a handful elderly voices swearing and demanding she be thrown out. Maybe he’ll go over there tomorrow, make sure she hasn’t downloaded a crap-ton of computer viruses again. (And yeah, okay, he wants to know about the yelling.)
There’s a sudden movement in the shadows across the street and he goes inside, turns on the TV. He’s halfway through an episode of Chopped when a red bar pops up on the bottom saying, Batman recaptures Harley Quinn, more at eleven.
A knot in his chest he didn’t realize was there loosens up and he pulls his blanket tighter around his shoulders.
“Thanks, B.”
THE END
#Jason Todd#Alfred Pennyworth#none of us deserve Alfred#DC'd better not kill him or I will burn their offices to the ground#Roots and Leaves
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To the one following me, from afar
You still follow me daily. Not physically but mentally. You have scarred me, altered my mental state. As I will always walk with your shadow. There are so many things to say to you if i went back to day one. Many things i would say, that i was too afraid of saying before. Things i know would anger you, and make you want to hurt me. There are so many things, That i could spit twards you. I'll say this. I'll forgive you. I hated myself everyday, our whole time together. I admit i didnt fall in love with you. I fell in love with the release. It was all a distraction from the emotional wreckage i carried with me the day we met. I was hurt by a short term issue, and you were nothing more than a therapist. At least you told me you were. I had low self esteem, to which you groped. You saw my distress, and you used that weakness to mold me into someone i now look back, and have absolutely no love for. See the thing is, somehow you made me think you loved me, You had me fooled. You used kind words to gain from my weakened heart. Lied from the begining. Gave me a facade that you were a therapist. Made me believe i needed you. Because you numbed my pain with your false security. You spoke words that covered the other half of my heart. Used a tounge of gold and words of love, that i was missing in that one moment. I made the mistake of listening to your altering words from the day we met. I trusted your lies. You made me jump into an illusion of what i wanted. I dont understand how i was sheepish enough to let you instantly flip my pain. Leaving me dispensing it at the person i longed for the most. How could i be so easily turned against the only person i needed. I had made mistakes but he had not been one. How could i let words change me. You made me think he didnt even want me? You fucked up my head. I thought i was stronger. You twisted me into feeling a new hurt, by someone who wasn't even there to hurt me. You rewired my mind with words and illusions. You re-crafted the mind of the woman you had in your clutch. Yet you left me still feeling i wasn't good enough? You've kept me up, and continue to keep me up at night. You caused my utter disgust twards life itself... My utter hatred twards that weak minded fool, that walked in on that awful day. I blamed myself for your actions. But no such blame exists anymore. I was weak, and i allowed you to change my views. I never deserved the pain you delivered. No person, deserves the actions you have shown twards me. We fought so much, and severely. You've pushed me through windows. You've beat me with fists. You've cut me with kitchen knives. You have tossed me around like i was nothing. Acttacking for my disobedience twards your sexist visions. Do you still hear me screaming for you to "please, stop" over and over again until my lungs burned. You got upset at any sign of me being my own person. We never talked about what was wrong. When i tried to talk about what was wrong, you hurt me. You lie, so much. You've lied to me, to everyone. When your'e asked why i left you, does it feel less haunting by making yourself the victim? I foolishly fell for the “it wont happen again”s your “im sorry baby”s the “I'm getting help”s. All of it; And still. I will forgive you. There is no hope in hatred twards you. Hating only harms me, i cant hate that you created who i became. I can never undo you not stopping after i asked you too. The bruises have healed, but my bones still crack. Although i can never get back the things you stole from me, I still choose to be the bigger person. Because of you, I now know what i want, What i need, And what i deserve; not only from a partner, but from anyone within my life. Because of you i remember what it was like before you, I remember that love. I now know to not tolerate those that make me feel worthless. You taught me what; Narcissism, Severe anger, Compulsive lying, Mental and Physical abuse, Manipulation, Abandonment, Paranoia, Controlling, and Mental destruction; looks, and feels like. Ive gained the beautiful freedom from your hypnotic tounge. I am a lot of things because of you're actions, and my decisions. I am not forgiving you because anything you did to me was ever okay. I choose to forgive you because you shown me what love, is not. And No, its not giving you credit for the upbringing, that your sneaking downward pull, broke me to choose. I am just stating that i have choosen to forgive you, for you brought me down so far into a mental captivity; That I am forced to climb back up from. I admit to myself that i had allowed myself to hurt. I could have left quicker. I made that choice. ME. I gathered the strength, and courage to help myself. I did that. I made the change that finally ended my suffering. All by acknowledging you were no good for me. You are not better than me Sir, you are cowardly. I own up to the reality that everyone make mistakes, even me. For your momma, you are in a very hard spot. I respect, and care for your safety and health. I have personally seen the fear he placed in your eyes. He puts you in a position i felt stuck in, like a deer in headlights. It's worse for you, are his mother. You recieve disrespect through his actions to women, to other people and his blatant lack of shame or remorse. I stood up for myself; Yes, physically. i was left fearing my own life. I never intended to harm anyone. Even in fighting back i put his well being before mine. I felt i deserved the pain. Because i let his words bring me to where i was. I tore a heart full of love for no fucking reason. So I did not retaliate until i felt he was hurting me to much for me to handle. For the better, i stood up by leaving. I wish it was as simple as leaving him for you. He feeds off of you, and has caused your health to deteriorate. He would be lost without you, for he can not care for himself. Yet he runs your life. I sincerely hope you find peace. Before you lose all strength. He is slowly killing you. Please dont look down apon me, for standing up and saving myself. But, for him... I will forgive you for my newfound anxiety issues, My Night terrors, My lack of trust, My fear of men, My scars, The avoidable broken hearts and the death of my old self; into a woman who thinks about what the next person will do to her. I'll forgive you for making me believe that your gift of my never ending fear, constant paranoia and self hate was love. I have forgiven you. Sincerely, Katt
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💌
My prince my sunshine my love and light of my life my love and joy and literally the left side of my heart and soul, I genuinely don’t know how to start of this letter other than immediately jumping into my thoughts and feelings that keep me up at night that make my heart swell and grow in size that have feelings of love and joy rise to the point where i have to let it out which this time resulted into the beginning of this letter.
Often when i go to bed at night I think about you actually most the time. I think of your laugh and your smile and I genuinely and effortlessly start subconsciously smiling and the feeling of love and joy starts bubbling up in my heart sometimes i even think of how clumsy and goofy you are on stage just to fuel the feeling thats bubbling and growing inside of me and sometimes i think about how nice and kind you are how loving and caring you are and my heart kind of deep dives and swarms over with love and this time my thoughts went into that direction.
This time when I was laying there in the dark I thought about how whenever I’m upset in any way, whenever something goes wrong for me, whenever i feel something negative or even see something negative I just think back to you, I think of you how thoughtful you are how kindhearted you are how considerate and caring you are and I find comfort in it i think about how situations related to you are so easy and smooth and I even compare negative sights to your positive light
Because of that you have taken away the ache in my heart countless of times, pried away the ugly feeling that cluthes onto it and overflowed it and had it swell in sizes with nothing but love and joy, you’ve had it even grow and bubble over with pride and delight over the kind of person you are. you’ve even made it ache and hurt because of it but only in the best way possible (those times are the times i’ve wanted to give you the world for the kind of person you are but have never managed to do it)
You really are my happiness in this world. You genuinely bring me so much joy you make me so happy you make me smile and laugh -like genuinely when not much actually makes me feel that joyful. I also feel grateful for your happiness for your laughs and smiles I wish I could always see you like that I literally wish I could give you my happiness sometimes for at the end of the day you are the one who caused it, so you can be happy all the time and never know of any sad times . Your happiness your laugh your smile it makes my heart click in place and I always want to see you at your happiest
Whenever I think of you of how kind and sweet you are how lovely you are my heart swell it literally swells in sizes it feels like it’s engulfed in love thinking about all your random acts of kindness and I truly find myself feeling bad for the people that miss out on your existetence but I truly am grateful I found it
You know what I love about you I love so much about you I love that you love moon and sun and stars so much just thinking of something as simple as you looking out at the sky and admiring the view makes me want give you the sky and all its colors stars the moon sun all it bestoves and holds
I love how simple things make you happy how the sight of fireworks are enough to fill your heart with love and joy it makes my heart filled with love and joy and feel happy and content
I love how you’re so entranced by the sight of the world the beaches and seas sunsets and sunrises the amount of times I wished to be able to show you the world are countless. I’ve wanted to take you everywhere and show everything worthy of seeing i’ve wanted to have your heart filled of sights and views to the point where it can never feel empty you are truly one of the very few if not only people i know who appreciate the beauty of this world who looks at everything with a childish glint in their eyes and with so much awe
I love how kind you are how sweet you are how the person you present yourself as to be , is who you are , how you once said you just want people to know how since you are and I see it I see it and others do to and people talk about it and even when you dont bother to show all the kindness you constantly give to the world it slips out for the world to see and admire it all
You were raised with so much love and kindness in your heart I cant believe there was once a sweet little boy feeling the need to return 50 cents to the police station
I really always wish you happiness I wish it for you for when the world can see you, when you’re at concerts, when you’re performing but I also wish it for you for when you are alone and the lights are out and the world is asleep I want you to be as happy as possible, always
No letters is enough for you because you are so amazing and wonderful you really really really are to the point where letters are enough
Your heart holds so much and feels so much and I admire it so much i admire the happiness you feel at the simplest things I admire the pain your heart must’ve carried I am in awe of what your thought processes must be, for the things you sometimes blurt out are so mind blowing. They’re always so thought through so cleaver and wise it makes me want to hear more of them to learn from them I fucking love how empathic you are I couldn’t give a single shit what others think about it the fact that you cry at the sight of someone else crying is so endearing to me you heart is so big and loving and caring and would run across the stage whilst in the middle of a performance to comfort someone whos crying
Park Jimin you’re such a gentle soul I cant believe you exist in this world I get so overwhlemed to the point cant believe you’re out there and you’re real and you’re this amazing
To me your eyes hold so much warmth and love and kindness and gentleness and I hope everyone sees it to for I know it’s not just me being too in love or anything like it your eyes are a peak into your soul every single emotion you feel shines through your eyes your kindness your compassion your caring and loving nature everything shows through your eyes theyre literally pools of warmth and love
Your voice makes my heart swell in sizes and makes my soul feel alive sometimes it makes me shy sometimes it brings comfort to my heart sometimes it relaxes me sometimes it makes me smile and laugh
I love you so much I genuinely love you so much
I made a list of a ll your good words and deeds but I feel like it faded in the background and failed to show all the kindness you give to the word but I do hope your kindness is seen wherever you go and that none of it is taken for granted for your heart and soul are SOSO SOSOS SOSOS pure I genuinely wish I could give you the world
I wish I could take your random acts of kindness and put it on pieces of string and showcase for the world to see you don’t know how badly I want to do it to have you recive all the love and joy you deserve to have people understand all the love and joy that’s in my heart
You have proved to me that one can be the kindest and still get so much negativity you don’t deserve any of it and I’d literally give my left arm for you to never feel bad about anything ever again your heart knows no limits your soul is never dull nor dark you are so amazing and wonderful I love you so much I can’t believe you exist Park jjimin the kindest soul to be put here
Please don’t ever cry please always smile and if your heart gets heavy sometimes please remember how amazing you are how loved you are how cared for you are
You are the light in this world the world would be nothing without your laughter and smiles without your giggles and cute squeaky sounds without the kindness you show for random cats on the street the love and care you show for your members
You are everything you are genuinely everything and I love you for it
Park Jimin I have never been good with words but with you I’m like a a poet rambling up novels of idioms and metaphors you make me feel so much so much I want to let it all out or else it feels like my heart will burst or else it feels like im so engulfed with emotions I’ll explode from it
And i know sometimes things get hard i dont understand it at the extent you do (which sometimes breaks my heart because i feel guitly being unaware of your pain and enjoying myself like your worries and struggles dont matter) but i know sometimes things are rough and you take it heavily to heart. You don’t know how much it hurts me not seeing a smile on your face or seeing your exhausted face after a rough day it has my heart actually feeling crestfallen i wish to take all your worries and struggles away i wish i could carry them sometimes i genuienly feel like a parent whos hearts aching for their child thats hurting . Thats why i cherish your laughter and smiles why i thrive in how happy you are why i feel so good knowing you are at the top of the world and not being dragged down by any negative emotions
I wish I could tell little encouragements to you I wish I could tell you all the things about yourself that I love so much about you your eyes that hold genuinely so much love and kindness your kissable and boopable nose your pretty plump lips that wear the cutest pout there is how you never show your struggles and worries because you wouldnt want to burden anyone
But I also want to tell you that I love you and that I cheer for you that I root for you that I appreciate you that I’m grateful for you for your existence for your smiles your laughters your presence your sosoo bright presence
You don’t know how happy you’ve made me how much you’ve done for me how much you’ve done for the world what an impact your existence is to the world how many people you inspire and how many people you have want to move forward
I hold you so high in my eyes I see you as someone who would light up every star in the sky who would take their clothes of their back I genuinely cant see you anything but kind
Jimin I love you I adore you I care for you my heart literally holds so much love for you and my eyes pour out all the adoration I feel for you you should literally see the way I look at you sometimes it genuienly feels like love pouring out my eyes I would give you the world each and every single star anything and everything you want you are my love my joy my heart my soul my everything in this world I can feel your presence in the right side of my heart in the right side of my soul I can literally feel you tugging on my heart stringes there and making that part ache you make me feel my heart in my chest
I cant evene express how immensely thankful I am for someone who cares so much for fans like you do I feel so cared for and yet I’ve never met you you make me feel so loved and appreciated and seen you are so amazing I have never met you nor have you met me yet just from your constant words it feels like Ive met you multiple time from it and spoken to you as a close friend who you constatly comfort
Your heart is golden you soul is so pure there’s so much good in your soul I love you to the point where there are no word im literally geting overwhelmed just thinking of every single thing you’ve ever done for someone you loved to the point where my hearts swelling in sizes at the thought, Hushsusjiddjddjjdjdjdjdjdjd im trying not to cry writing this but I love you so much
Do you evene know how golden your soul is it literally has me cryin doyou know how kind you are compared to the next person you’re so gentle. It really aches in my heart for all the people that only see you for your looks because you are so much more, there is so much more to it. I wish to god I could just express everything here all at once every single word thought feeling I feel when I think of something simple a random act of kindness you’ve done for someone and explain just how I feel from that but I cant
You are literally my comfort and my safe place you are my happy place and the place I search to come to when I feel alone. Jimin I love to so much. i love you with all there is in me I really really live you with everying in me. Your heart knows no boundaries when it comes to kindness your soul is so wise. I don’t even deserbe to write this letter I genuienly feel like I’m not doing you any justice but I honestly didn’t know you’d be this important to me and that I woukd come to love you like this to the point where my heart is filled with so much love from simpöe seeing a picture or a video
As astounding as it might sound your smile is the first smile I love and adore so much the first smile I’ve genuinely fell for the first laugh I’ve fell for I’ve never understood the adoration and love people hold for someone’s smile until I saw yours and now all I do is think about it when I go to bed at night
I see the pieces you give I see the parts of your soul you hold. The amount of times I’ve said this man must’ve never held any bitterness to anyone sure you’re human and some negative emotions you must have felt sometimes but the way you look st your friends when they achive the tiniest things the big smile on your face the pride in your eyes, the kindness and care you show towards animals and strangers its so easy to see how good you are as a person jimin
The time I saw you react to the bird with a misssing leg was probably the first time I was genuinely shocked and blown away with how kind someone can be istg I had never ever ever seen such a genuine reaction before like this it took my breath away it genuinely blew me away i didnt know how to even process it
You are so considerate caring thoughtful and loving you are so much good and more you are so important my love
You don’t know how much you matter how much you light up the world how precious you are how important you are
Thank you for being such a big and significant part in my life
happy birthday jimin i love you so much
#i was writing in my notes and thought itouldnt be do much#but i like it#i wouldnt sayits organie its more ofa jumble of myb thouhgs but im glad i ethtis out#jimin's birthday letter
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The attic AU looks amazing, cuz this is the first time I've seen it. Do you think you could summarize it? Because I went through the tag too, and I am still lost
AIGHT. HERE’S ATTIC AU IN A SHITTON OF BULLET POINTS
//shoots off of a breach of trust chapter 8
• reigen loses the knife fight, mogami murders tetsuo, possesses reig, uses the policeman cuffs to keep reigen bound up in the attic.
• reigami is immune to the cuffs cause he’s a ghost/psychic type pokemon but reigen is made of regular human so he’s outta luck
• mogami depletes the rest of reigen’s funds and runs the rest of his credit deep in the red because ‘hey instead of hopping from vessel to vessel, i can just keep this one dude because he has no personal relationships’
• BAD TIEMS FOR A YEAR (mob’s goin on 5)
• mogami likes to prattle terrible advice for a living (dying ?) so he gives reigen advice about how he’s an awful person and how his savior complex killed tetsuo, and HEY ! i think you deserve to be in this attic because you used people and dont matter to anyone ever in ur life - the proof is that no one is looking for you
• cursed blender corpse as a roommate
• reigen also has to live with the knowledge that if he caught mogami off guard, he could have peed on his corpse. if he has to know this so do you.
• only mogami eats with reigen’s body in attic au, because he has a food fetish.
• all other necessary toiletries n shower stuff is handled with mogami awkwardly standing by because he doesn’t want his vessel to do anything, like dying, or the macarena, without permission.
• if you ever have a question about a thing, the answer is probably “cause mogami”
-why didn’t reigen scream for help ? cause mogami
-why is reigen so skinny ? cause mogami
-why does the attic smell like something up and died? cause mogami
• after some time, mogami gets more stupid and throws a loud, physical temper tantrum at mob, who also deserves none of this. its so loud that reigen can hear mob apologizing in the midst of the noise. now Reigen Knows
• reigen’s too apathetic about himself to try ghost murder with only a .05% chance of it working, BUT WITH A KID INVOLVED, HOWEVER
[neil breen voice] that’s just not right
• reigen shouts for mob to run, but mogami gets upset that reigen broke his ‘no screm’ policy and mcslices his neck as a visual metaphor to Shut The Hell Your Mouth.
• mogami’s threat is null and void against HOLYSHITTHERE’SACHILDTHERE’SACHILDOHFUCKOHMYFUCK
• cue reigen sawing through the wood bedframe with his handcuff chain, pulling upon dusty knowledge of hack sigils
• reigen gambles his life on this moment, and because he’s had so much yikes this year, the universe cuts him a break.
• mogami does the [dies but not for good] anime scream
• reigen stumbles downstairs looking for the kid. holy shit i have a duty and a reason to exist now! reigen thinks. he finds mob, and mob’s saying something but reigen is too focused on ‘we gotta get out of this house Right Now because i dont know if mogami is dead dead and i just seriously pissed him off’
• he hoists the kid in his arms to skedaddle
• unfortunately hoisting involves at least 100% shredding where mob is involved, and because the conduit sigil was drawn on his chest he gets an instant tattoo
• mob asks reigen how he got through the barrier, and rather than tell the kid that he didn’t and that he’s bleedy mcbleederson, reigen fumbles the excuse that he’s a barrier specialist and that police! are a thing! mob’s too emo to understand anything and cries himself to sleep. he deserves any and all naps.
• reigen’s still bleeding out however, and his walking skills are only lvl 1 cause mogami. he gets about 2-3 blocks, but u know who lives around there ?
• tetsuo’s ghost ex machina (he formed back a la dimple with his biggest concern being the spawn point : jun)
• since reigen’s wiping his feet on death’s doormat, he can see tets and explain the what the fuck is up. he also gives tetsuo the remote to his body because tetsuo’s better at call of duty than he is and the call of duty is HELP US PLEASE
• tetsuo’s trusted popo position helps the police/hospital staff believe that the sigils are needed, so no one else gets shreddy.
• tetsuo peaces out and reigen passes out
• when reigen wakes back up, he’s in a hospital and his ouchies are dealt with. the special case of Holy Shit its a Real Psychic Child Who Needs Help kinda blindsides the staff, so reigen isn’t looked at closely.
• Mob’s still working on not shredding folks so Reigen is turned away from seeing him. Also money. To quote Letters : “Reigen left the building owning less than he’d had when he entered.”
• there goes reigen’s reason for existing
• as would realistically happen, reigen’s been evicted, his workplace repurposed, and reigen doesn’t have enough bat bucks or pleasing body odor to make his case.
• fluorescent lights are a literal trigger for reigen, because that was reigami’s main hang out spot outside the attic. so now any department store is a 1000 square foot lesson in dissociation and trying not to look like you’re drunk
• it’s a miracle reigen even managed to shoplift the tent he sleeps in (i headcanon a clerk saw, took pity, and took one for the team for im)
• he spends about a month in the tent, asking for muns for noms
• tetsuo gets the credit for saving mob, because he’s prettier than reigen, and so is his wife. reigen’s jimmies remain unrustled with this
• cue mob wanting to show gratitude to the man who brought him in. he brings it up to the other social workers/therapists, to which they go ‘uhhhh we’ve never heard of the guy’
• the more everyone finds out, the more this gif plays in the back of their heads
• the kageyamas eventually follow the breadcrumbs back to the popo . isa gives them the only info they have on reigen arataka : which is that he’s been listed as an (either missing or dead, depending on the version) person for a while.
• ritsu finds him, for mob, via spirit hoarde network (because like in canon, once’s mogami’s “gone” all the little spirits come out to play. and gimcrack asks to slurp some of ritsu’s spirit juice if he can run him errands. except THIS TIME, the kageyama family has had their fill of evil spirits using them, so Ritsu keeps them the fuck in line)
• i have a joke where they send out the spirits to find “a thin, brown haired man with a scar on his face, possibly wearing a suit” and it leads to sakurai
• when they find reigen he’s got one foot in the darkness and the other in a rainbow croc
• he’s not all there
•the kageyamas aren’t about to let the man who helped bring their boy back die via crocs so they bring him home
• hurt/comfort hijinks ensue, including a Colorful Boi, a game of illegal Uno, Crying over Spilled Noodles, Fashion Upgrades, Waterbending, and There’s A Lack Of Context But Dimple Shows Up One Day
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i fucking hate this envy i hold against you. its really not your fault, you never did anything wrong. and i dont think you’ll ever do anything out of bad intentions because all you’ve ever wanted to do was share love and be loved. you’re getting what you want from the right person, and i wish i was that right person too. you’re surrounded by so many people who love you and i am too.
the difference is, people like you have no reason to adore me. people like you have no legitimate reason to want me. im thoroughly convinced i’ve fooled you for years and even gaslit you to stay my friend, and even my girlfriend. ive been nothing but selfish from the beginning, and i’ll be selfish until the end. im stuck inbetween wanting you to stay, and wanting you to split up with me because i just want you to have better in your life. i want that to make you happy, even if it makes me miserable, because i dont deserve you, or our other gf in our polyamory.
i feel like im just making excuses to mope around from day to day now. im told time and time again to mend these relationships, just to be happy for you and the others. that sticking together is worth it. we can grow up together. i can talk to everyone every single day, even just for a few minutes, right? or every other week? maybe every other month?
i can’t do that, though.
i’m not like you. i’m not like anyone you know at all. i’ve tried to be for so long, believe me. i’ve played so long into the neurotypical role, i’ve never had any real reason to be miserable unlike everyone else around me. everyone had actual problems, all ive ever wanted to do (and still do) is help in every way i can. i know youre the same way. at least, you and the others succeed with that.
you succeed in so many things, even if you dont think you do. you succeed in being a great friend, a great partner. a great artist, a great sister and daughter to your family, even if they dont respect you for it in the slightest. an excited learner, a willful experimenter, one of the most fun conversationalist with the brightest and creative ideas ive ever known. youre so indulgent in so much. how could anyone not want to be around you or be your friend?
when i look at you though, i cant see any of those things in me. i cant see a single reason why anyone would still even try to stick with me. everyone should know full well that i cant keep up a conversation for more than a day before shutting down completely because i get so fucking exhausted after breathing a single word, after dreading being a complete idiot. not seeing any way how i can improve, or put in the effort for anything like i used to. or to see a reason why anyone would be humored by my interests when i ramble about them. i never shut up back then, isnt it doing anyone a favor that im shutting up now? how is it still hurting everyone? i wish it wasnt. i wish it was never hurting you. i wish you didnt feel anything for me, or mail me anything, not because i dont want to spend time with you but because itd spare you of all the extra effort.
i really dont know if this can be maintained. you’re both trying so fucking hard to maintain it. maybe im not trying at all, maybe i am, but at the very least, i know i’ve been having so much trouble with trying to feel something for the group we’ve shared for years. and if i drop it, theres no potential left. no future left. and yet that doesnt scare me. yet i dont feel anything for that. i dont feel anything for a lot nowadays, but even just thinking about any of this right now makes me feel numb and depressed.
but lets face it, i dont think i’ll ever be as interesting of a person as you guys, no matter how much i try. in reality, im just empty space that you guys are trying to fill. and im sorry. i keep wondering if splitting up will just make anything better or worse, but im genuinely scared that i just cannot maintain relationships anymore. im scared of feeling only envy for you and not love like i used to, because im so fucking attached to one single person now who was influenced my life to change more than anyone else. you’re not unequal to her. youre not unequal to anyone, please god never take it that way after everything i just wrote.
its just how ive always felt. and i feel like being apart should be tearing apart that mindset but its just made me bitter and tired of everyone and makes me dread coming back even more. im just a fucking imposter and a faker, i always have been. ive never had anything interesting going on, all i do is just fucking wallow to myself and you dont deserve that, no one does. but what am i supposed to do? i have no fucking identity and i break apart whenever theres any sort of emotional turmoil now. i hide when people are upset now. not because ive been abused, because my mind just convinces me my shitty little brain is my only safe space in case something really awful happens. and if something really awful does happen im stuck in my own fucking head being selfish as i always am and youre hurt and its all my fault again and even though its my fault i just cant fucking CHANGE the fact its my fault because i dont take RESPONSIBILITY anymore AND YOU’D JUST BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT ME OKAY? YOU’D SUSTAIN SO MUCH MORE OF YOUR WELLBEING! you’d have less anxiety rather than fretting over my stupid fucking ass, even if the depression sinks in i hope you’d eventually get over me even though i wouldnt over you because youre so worthwhile of everyones time and youve been like a part of me for years, the BEST part of me, the person ive always wanted to be, the person ive always wanted to swap shoes with even if it meant i got your terrible family i’d ESPECIALLY take it in a heartbeat if it meant that! but god id give you everything id ever have just to see you improve because i never will! i’ll never be anything like you, i literally never will!!! i cant make friends, i cant keep friends, i cant be a good friend, nor a good girlfriend, or even a wife, i cant be ANYTHING good, i cant be anything like you and i HATE being envious over you, even the slightest bit jealous that you and everyone else can at least keep it together for someone else!!! I FUCKING CANT!!!!!!! I WISH I WAS LIKE YOU BECAUSE YOU HOLD SO MUCH MORE LOVE THAN I EVER COULD!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
anyways, if anything happens, i love you so much to death, and. i just... hope that your future will turn out as bright as it ever could be. i hope you get the career you want, and save up enough money to move out. i hope youre surrounded by so much more people who love you and convince you that youre worth all the time in the world and that your family writhes in their own dirt for treating you so terribly. i hope you realize your own strengths and your ability to shape the future. i hope youre as healthy as can be. i hope you’re still with her if i cant be there for either of you. i hope you eventually realize that maybe im not really good enough for you, and never was in the first place. im happy my ex at least got that benefit. i’ll be happy if you realize whats best for you, too.
#personal#tfw making myself feel as shitty as i always have over discord messages again cool#i love the idea of polyamory tbh. i guess im just not fit for it.#im not fit for any relationship in fact haha#like im not suicidal but i would be SO happy if someone put a bullet in my brain because at least thatd be the last time i ever hurt someone#because i just cant seem to fucking stop doing that no matter how hard i try.#i cant stop making a joke out of myself despite everything i do and my stupid little fucking brain holds onto that shame for as long as it#FUCKING can#fuck you tumblr tag limits fuck you and me to death lol#2 weeks without my counselor plus missing a session a few days ago got me fucked up#stupdi bitchass always meant to be alone yaaaaaaaaa
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exo love me right repackage album ranking bc why not
love me right- dude,,,,,,this song is SO GOOD I LOVE IT SO MUCH tho i still have no fucking clue whats happening in the music video its fine bc they look great and they look happy and the song is fantastic. however this album is so good that its only mid tier if i were to rank it that way but i cant bc im indecisive lmao 10/10 pls someone tell me why theyre american football players im so confused
tender love- okay exols,,,,,,who here CANT hear baekhyun singing "chicken tender~" when this song comes on????? if you cant that probably means youre a baby-l which means welcome to the fandom!!!!! its from a livestream him chanyeol junmyeon and jongdae did late 2015-early 2016?? (and since youre a baby-l sorry im referring to the members by their real names and not stage names that gets confusing when youre just starting out so uh junmyeon=suho and jongdae=chen okay?? good) where they sing songs from this album and the sing for you album its hilarious bUt aNyWaY this song is so cute and fun and that mini video they did (i think it was a vcr at one point but i cant remember what for) is so adorable i wish exo did more of that stuff 10/10 gimme more cute shit
call me baby- this song always gives me the same feeling as when i heard it the first time. i remember vividly how i felt when i saw the mv for the first time especially since i was more of a casual stan of kpop wayyyy back when and had stopped around the end of 2013 and only got back in the end of 2015 as a die hard exol. i was just in awe of everything and i couldnt stop listening to this song for MONTHS (also couldnt take my eyes off minseok and yixing the whole time lol still an exom stan at heart),,,,,,it made me feel nostalgic and like i was discovering something new at the same time and the swirl of emotion i get when i hear it happens every time and i love it so this has a special place in my heart 12/10 side note uhhh why do we STILL have no answers for the pathcode teasers?????? SM TELL ME
transformer- uhhhh this song took YEARS to grow on me,,,,,like i only started to like it THIS year,,,,,,yeah im a little late lol sorry imo the beginning of the song is something i still dont really like and i think the chorus could be better but its not as bad as i was thinking when i first heard it,,,,,that said i hardly listen to it and its probably near bottom of the list for this one 7/10 the chinese version is a lil better tao really shines and i love that
what if...: mmmm i love this song,,,,a vocal masterpiece,,,,this is a song i like to listen to while on a long drive staring out the window contemplating life,,,,,,its so pleasant to the ears and ksoo really shines in this song id love for him to do solo songs like this 10/10 im lowkey imagining what luhan would sound like singing this song the whole time 😔
my answer: ONE OF THE BEST SONGS ON THE ALBUM ITS ABSOLUTELY BEAUTIFUL and i wish they performed it more ;-; this is another song kyungsoo shines in (he sings well in chinese too) but i LOVED junmyeons voice here as well he sings sweet love ballads the best same with yixing!!! 🥰 12/10 give us more songs like this please and thank you (also imagining luhan singing this 🤧 why sm why)
exodus: OKAY THIS SONG IS SO UNDERRATED AND THATS SO UPSETTING THIS IS ONE OF MY FAVORITES ON THE WHOLE ALBUM AND NO ONE EVEN MENTIONS IT WHAT THE FUCK like i cant even explain what i like about it its just so good?????? also when baek (or jongdae if yoy listen to the chinese version theyre both so so so good) goes "shes dangerously HOOOOOOOOOOT" damn, gets me every time also chinese version we get raspy singing tao which is ALWAYS welcome 12/10 appreciate this song god dammit
el dorado: okay i wont lie,,,,,,,,i wasnt sold on this song UNTIL i saw the concert version then my third eye was opened WIDE,,,,,,,this song is so epic and no one talks about the chinese version but its also amazing?????? like everyone talks about baekhyuns high note which is amazing and deserve praise but dae does it too and its just,,,,WOW but i guess people arent as wowed bc he does high notes more often????? idk this song is just amazing in every way 12/10 i wonder what this song and mv would be like if it had been a title track,,,,,that music video would be SICK
playboy: CONTROVERSIAL OPINION ALERT!!! YOU HAVE BEEN WARNED! so yall know jonghyun from shinee wrote this song and gave it to exo and theres a clip of him at a fansign singing it and to be honest its 10000000000000× better and sexier than exos version. come at me idc i said what i said and i stand by it djhajjhdhs like,,,,,the performance of it is sexy but i think the song by itself doesnt go far enough with the sexiness and for me, if i need to watch a performance of the song to like it and cant enjoy it by itself, then i dont think its a success, at least for me. i mainly listen to songs through headphones while im doing literally anything so id say 90% of the time i only hear the audio and if only the audio doesnt do it for me i skip it 8/10 has potential but jjong shouldve kept it imo sorry
first love: i always forget this song exists,,,,,,and ill probably forget it again lmao its just kinda whatever for me even now its kinda boring imo the only thing notable for me is that the "ow" parts in the background are used in a funny exosexo vine and every time i see it im like "oh whats that song called again i always forget :/" 6.5/10
hurt: THIS is what im talking about,,,,,,this is my favorite song on the album its hauntingly beautiful and brUH THE HARMONIES ARE AMAZING also JONGINS VOCALS SHINING WE LOVE TO HEAR IT!!!!! the "you huuuuuuuurt me" part is so satisfying for some reason?????? goddamn i love this song both versions just kill me 12/10 gimme more
lady luck: this is another song i dont like the beginning but unlike the other song after like 30 seconds it immediately becomes PHENOMENAL tbh if i could just cut out that first part itd probably be my favorite song,,,,,,also for all baby-ls listen to this song live you will be transcended their live vocals are no joke 9.5/10
beautiful: i dont know how to really explain how this song makes me feel,,,,,,like the instrumentals just take me to a fantasy or dream world where everything seems happy and sweet like something id imagine in my childhood,,,,,,i feel like that made no sense and it probably didnt make any sense sorry lmao 11/10 i should listen to this song more (both versions are amazing what the fuck thats not fair why am i so indecisive)
exo 2014 (promise): this song is like a pavlovian response, i hear the first couple piano notes and immediately get emotional jxhsoalsbdhbx they really poured out their hearts and souls for us for this song and it makes me ugly cry every time ESPECIALLY CHANYEOLS RAP HOLY SHIT ITS SO POWERFUL AND SO RAW AND EMOTIONAL,,,that was the moment i saw his growth as a rapper and as a songwriter,,,,,same with jongdae his singing and the lyrics he wrote were beautiful,,,,,and minseoks and junmyeons voices were so soft but so emotional,,,,,and we could NEVER forget yixing and how this song wouldnt exist if he didnt write the chinese version first and the members convinced sm to use it after yixing went to them with the song and sm rejected it,,,,,,i and many other exols feel like the chinese version is written more to the former members and the korean version is written addressed to us exols and theyre both SUPER FUCKING HEARTBREAKING,,,,yixing really bore his soul for us and i cry every time which is exactly what im doing rn lmao 12/10 this song should come with a complementary tissue box
in conclusion el dorado shouldve had an mv and i mourn the missed potential every day, my hate for sm entertainment grows each day im on this mortal coil, and please tell me what the fUCK call me baby and love me right have to do with the lore ITS BEEN FIVE YEARS
#for the most part i didnt talk about the chinese versions bc the main reason i liked them more isnt there anymore so#unless i mention it specifically just assume i mean the korean version lol#this album is still god tier among kpop and i love that about her#exo#exo album ranking#next is sing for you
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