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thecatspasta · 2 months

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Inspired by @arrgh-whatever's post on helping ppl with BPD

Edit bc I forgot to add this: Being vulnerable means smth different for different ppl, something that could read as being vulnerable to you can read as just another Tuesday for someone else

[ID: a simply-drawn comic, narrated by a person coloured-in in pink.

Panel 1: The pink person narrates: "So there's a lot of "signs your ex is a narcissist and how to deal with them" and it's not very accurate. So here's how to actually "deal" with a narcissist from someone with narcissistic personality disorder."

Panel 2: This panel has the heading: "1. Supply." The pink person narrates: "People with NPD have very fragile self-esteem, and supply is what keeps us from having a mental breakdown. Supply can be many things, but often attention and praise are effective. Stuff like "Wow! That's super cool!!" can go a long way." A person is shown saying this to another person, who smiles.

Panel 3: This panel has the heading: "2. Criticism." The pink person narrates: "Oh boy. So narcissists take things as personal very easily. It's because if anyone contradicts our delusions that we have built our entire self-image on, it feels like you are attacking us as a person." There is an example shown, where one person says "hey, you were a bit too rude back there," but the other person hears "You're an awful dick no-one likes." The alternative manner of phrasing is suggested as "Hey, you were a bit too rude. You're cool, but some people took it poorly." The second person in this example thinks "I'm still a cool person. It's not my fault, but I can do things to be better." The narrator continues, "We don't really understand the concept of a harmless mistake."

Panel 4: This panel has the heading: "3. Boundaries." The pink person narrates: "With narcissists, setting down strict boundaries is very important. 1. Knowing we have hurt you because you didn't set down boundaries can really upset and annoy us because the delusions that we can do no wrong and know you best get broken. 2. If you let us break boundaries, it can lead us to see you as "weak" and devalue you. Communication is key."

Panel 5: This panel has the heading: "4. Anger." The pink person narrates: "So people with NPD tend to be prone to anger. This is a defense mechanism, because to us, it's either facing the inaccuracies of our delusions and having a mental breakdown, or blaming something else. We do not mean to lash out; we just don't have the skills to cope properly. You can help by: 1. Letting us express out emotions without judgement; 2. giving us praise or attention; and 3. Distracting us from what angered us." Each example of how to help is accompanied by a small cartoon.

Panel 6: This panel has the heading: "5. Other NPD things!" The pink person narrates: "'Love bomb, devalue, discard' is actually: we are genuinely obsessed with you and want you to recognize us as cool, we lose that obsession and move on, we feel threatened in some way and lash out. We can't really handle being seen as vulnerable. We take sympathy and empathy as pity and pity as you telling us we're weak. Not acknowledging we're being vulnerable and acting as if nothing is wrong can be helpful in these situations. People with NPD have a very warped view of reality. We do not mean to hurt you and often do not realise we have. Remember, this won't work for everyone, and talking is very important."

/end ID]

Ty to @aromanticsky for the id

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uglypastels · 10 months

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Hello! So I saw your post abt not feeling like you fit in with your age group and I totally get that. I myself feel that way, I tend to hang out with an older crowd or just my partner. But honestly I think what makes that whole situation worse is having the mindset that you don't fit in with your age group or with anybody. I used to think like that and id be miserable everyday. What helps me personally is remembering I do have friends or that I do have people I do fit in with, its just not those people. Partying doesn't have to be the way you socialize. Drinking has a heavy influence on social gatherings but not everyone does that and thats okay. People hang out in many different ways. I mean my partner doesn't party when he hangs with his friends he plays MTG. (I mention my partner cuz he does more outings than me.) Luckily our age groups are so large that we can always find somebody to hang out with. But those people in uni aren't the whole world and im sure you can find people that aren't in uni or maybe are but they dont do the partying thing either.

Anyways I hope this doesn't come off as like me placing blame on you or being rude, if I was in anyway im so sorry🙇🏻‍♀️ I just related to your situation but ive gotten over that obstacles and I just thought I could tell you what helped me. But I understand you didn't ask for this so you can totally ignore it👍

No its absolutely ok, thank you so much

Honestly, for me, maybe if i was with people i was really comfortable with partying wouldnt be a big of a deal and drinking has never been a problem for me- in the sense i dont need it to have a good time (and i can drink pretty well but it upsets my stomach lol so often i go alcohol free)

My problem is that, even the people i do know and could hang out with, i stay away from. I get easily tired and frustrated so dont go places where i can be with people. I'm always scared that my messages are annoying so i dont text and when i do its a nightmare and same goes for talking probably.

I struggle hanging out with my own parents (then again, i think the fact that it has hit me that my mom is the only person ive talked to in weeks probably not the best for me) and i can barely talk to my family

And i am absolutely oversharing and traumadumping and ignoring your lovely advice so i'm really sorry. I really do appreciate your kind words

#im just in a shot headspace rn #uglypastels answers #anon #z rants

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menalez · 1 year

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I'm still bisexual, so there are layers I probably don't understand entirely. but I've been speaking out against csa since I was a teenager, talked to all kind of activists, professionals and victims. and I truly think this compulsory imagery of how a victim should behave - queit, unless someone needs to boost their ego through a salvationist fantasy - is one of the cruelest mechanisms of patriarchy. I always knew I was a victim, came to close to death for that. but I used to think I was this bad case of a victim, you know? that if I talked out loud I'd make people who deserved the help look bad. the first time a psychologist told me more victims become hypersexual than completely repulsed I thought she was lying to make me feel better. no one really saw me as a kid, me displaying hypersexual behaviour at 13 was seem as the devil in me and not this desperate cry for help, it all got to my head. whole mess. but the point is I eventually started taking about it, and at some point I started mentioning these things in me I saw as a bad and contradictory. and that was when a lot more girls started approaching me - I work in education now so I cross a lot of cases. most of them were just glad to hear they weren't alone, that their desperate attempts to cope didn't erase what happened to them being wrong, that they weren't broken and dirty beyond help or something. and it's strange of me to even compare, because honesty what they're attacking you for doesn't add to 3% of what I admitted and it's so revolting that it's enough to victim blame. nothing we do cam ever be enough, it's all so clearly a trap to keep people from getting help... but I'm still sure you've had the same effect to many. it's so hard to talk about it, worse to hear those things from people who should have your back. but it still makes a difference. so thank you! I hope one day we are at least free of the expectancy that people with different personalities and experiences must all react the same. and I hope so so much good comes in your life! you come across as so kind and patient here. and you deserved so much better, may it come soon

thank you for this v sweet message anon ❤️ i can relate to what you said. hypersexuality also came about as a result of my trauma and it was confusing and would disgust me. things would happen to me and i knew i didn’t want it, it showed i didn’t want it, id react really badly during & after.. but i felt like it was my fault bc i was hypersexual to begin w so i must want it and just have sth wrong with me to not actually, truly want it when it happens. i was not a good victim either. i reacted to my abuse by becoming withdrawn, lashing out at my loved ones, pushing ppl away and at the same time accepting a subservient position to the person who wouldn’t leave me alone. it was a confusing time and a part of me is glad i was so dissociated for most of it bc at least i don’t remember all of it and only remember it in flashes of memory.

I hope one day we are at least free of the expectancy that people with different personalities and experiences must all react the same.

same here. it’s pure stupidity to me that some people don’t seem to comprehend that even if we have similar experiences, they’re not identical & we as individuals aren’t identical. so we’re not all going to react the same. it’s also annoying that ppl think if ur a traumatised lesbian, there’s only one possible reaction. as if mental illness and trauma can only appear one way and only impact you one way. as if those things can’t interact w ur sexuality in different ways. it’s stupidity. i assume they’d eventually realise that it doesn’t make much sense how they perceive and treat traumatised women & esp traumatised lesbians but by the time they do, i doubt any of us will be around and willing to accept their apologies.

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sodrippy · 2 years

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Could you tell us more about why you hate auteur theory? (I don't really like it either, but I also don't know a lot of 'film nerds' and I'm curious about your thoughts)

hi id love to!

(if anyones not familiar, auteur theory is a film theory from the 50s/60s that posits the director as the central creative force behind a film)

i think i hate it a little less in its original form, where the director often was actually taking on other roles, most prominently as a writer, but even personally editing or shooting their film in some cases, because then they really DO have more creative control overall. plus it was in part a reaction to the commercialisation of film in the west, so in terms of putting creative control back in the hands of the actual creatives behind a film rather than bending to what studios think will make them money, i can get behind auteur theory.

over time though, the term has become so watered down that now it just means the director is god and everyone else is a thoughtless little cog in their machine, which is so disrespectful and so ANNOYING. like, you cannot call the director on some billion dollar movie an auteur bc they dont really do jack fucking shit actually. id say lots of smaller films can still fit into this theory, where an independent director is the one whos come up with the story concept themselves and helped to write the screenplay, and is heavily involved in the editing process and so on, but the bigger a project gets (in my experience) the less true 'control' the director has.

personally, the way i view it is, if the director didn't come up with the story or didn't co-write the screenplay, then they are nothing to me they are just some guy they're not the driving creative force.

as someone who's involved in film myself, the main reason that i hate auteur theory is that its really just so disrespectful to film crews (on set and post) and moreover disrespectful and dismissive of filmmaking as an art form. film is inherently a collaborative art, and even if some people argue 'yeah but the director is the one telling everyone what to do and how to do it' thats such a simplistic take on it. some directors are very specific about what they want, yes, of course, but a lot of times a director will give a brief on what they want, and the relevant department will create the specifics, or they'll say 'right we can do that, but this might be much better' or whatever. filmmaking is a very fluid process as well, and things change all the time, and i think if you think that the director is in charge of it all youre very unfamiliar with how it works. it makes me really cranky when i see people talk about when things go wrong or look bad in films and they immediately blame the dop or (so so SO common) the post production departments, as if its a huge failure on their part. like ok if directors are kings, why dont you blame them for the bad shit too? or do you only think theyre in control when magic happens?

lastly, because i am running late for work now, the whole auteur aura tbh just makes excuses for sloppy work. i just worked on a project with a notoriously Auteur style director, and from what i heard about how he works, being on set is fucking hell. oftentimes when you trust in a director's 'creative vision' you sacrifice discipline and scheduling and lots of other organization that is so crucial to getting a job done on time and with high quality results, bc youre basically just working at the whim of one guy who's more concerned about realizing a singular vision than they are with the practicalities of making a film.

#ask #anonymous #i cant rant and rave about this forever honestly but i literally had to throw my laptop on my couch and book it to get to work on time 😭#i hope these points make sense! i think they all kind of run into one another sorry #basically i HATE how directors are held up as the god of film when the reality is oftentimes #a whole crew is running around doing damage control bc the director is off in their own world and their vision isnt even that good #this doesnt apply to my boy marty whom i love and is the only director in the world etc etc

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innytoes · 3 years

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question, since you seem to be the authority on Darryl.

so, I've been thinking about names a lot because I guess I blinked wrong one day and am now obsessed with Quinn. and by extension Quinn and Parker as a duo. and maybe Quinn has one name because he was in the show for a combined 6 minutes, but personally I think Quinn has one name because like Parker, he just adopted this one name and will take no questions about it.

I don't think we know a lot about Alec Hardison's birth parents, but from what he's said it seemed like nana is, well, nana is everything to him. (not to say he didn't once love his birth parents, but I'm just making assumptions for the sake of this headcanon.)

nana, who runs a leads a multi-denominational household (aka supports the religion her kids come to her household with) seems like the type who, if formally adopting a kid from foster care, would let the kid choose if they wanted to change their name.

in redemption, Breanna is Breanna Casey. she mentions her parents dying. it makes sense that she would want to keep her parents name if she had a good relationship with them and losing them was traumatic.

in the Darryl post, Eliot refers to Darryl as a Hardison. we don't know nana's last name (or even her legal first name), but what if it is Hardison. and Alec and Darryl are two of the kids that chose to be formally adopted and become a Hardison because they were lost alone once and nana claimed them and loved them.

I guess this is not an actual question, sorry. I just wondered if you had any thoughts?

I am technically the authority on Darryl since I made him up, but Darryl belongs to fandom. I’m more of a Darryl Keeper. A Darryl Lore Collector. People tell me stuff about Darryl and I go: yeah, sure.

(Also I blame @darkfinch and @be-gay-do-heists for the Quinn Renaissance, personally. But yes, Quinn 🤝 Parker one name supremacy.)

I think the show left it intentionally vague if Nana's last name is Hardison, which really annoys me because there's so much meta to be had about Hardison’s last name either way. (Is it his birth name? Is it Nana's last name? Is it his first Iron Clad Alias that he decided to become Famous with?)

I love the idea of Nana giving kids about to age out of the system the option of becoming a Hardison if that is her last name, though. Or at any time. Or if they want to be an honourary Hardison. Alec can make you an honourary Hardison, right Alec? With your little plastic cards? (Insert Hardison freaking out because Nana is totally letting him know she found his fake ID-making set up.)

I’ve been kind of on the fence about Darryl’s last name, but that is lovely. I hope Redemption some day gives us a definitive answer on Nana’s Last Name. Until them she can join Parker and Quinn’s club, I guess.

#darryl belongs to fandom now #the hardison foster sibling network #leverage #the quinnematic universe #hardison's nana #listen I watch too many foster care videos on youtube and if you are adopted you lose access to a whole lot of supports like free college #though with Hardison's money maybe that's not really an issue #you bet he has a special charity set up to support any and all of his foster siblings through college or trade school or whatever #this is a tough one my friend

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