#i didnt figure out anything was wrong until i hit my 20s and they got worse and worse instead of better

[flareondotcom]

I think nonbinary ppl should get the day off work if their tummy hurts :^/

#skin breathes #my cramps are soooooooososososo bad today oh my god #like im pretty sure something is wrong with me like pcos or something #stuff like that runs in my family #but every time i try to address it with a doctor they just try and prescribe me birth control pills about it #but birth control pills famously make me insane and the side effects are physically really hard on me too #the cramps are so bad that the sheer pain makes me nauseous and my chest feels tight and my heart rate quickens #and i cant focus on anything. like even worse than usual #and thats ON TOP of a whole host of other pms symptoms #like im rendered completely bed ridden for around 3 to 4 days every month #and i was told that everyone experiences periods differently my whole life so #i didnt figure out anything was wrong until i hit my 20s and they got worse and worse instead of better #really really need to schedule another appointment about it i always forget until my monthly reminder arrives lmao #anyways lets hope i dont puke up this ibuprofen im about to take cheers lads

[polyacrylamidepensieve]

Today I was at work late because I needed results / data to come out the flow cytometry lab to figure out how to work up two different patient cases, and if I didnt order the right stains by 6 pm the patients’ cases wouldn’t be resolved until after the long holiday weekend. Because of the timing of pathology. And the lab techs were super sweet and pushed those two cases out for me first simply because they like me. And I helped them resolve a specimen swap mistake a few weeks ago.

Anyway that’s not the point. What happened was, I was sitting at my desk worrying and working and the janitor girl saw I was alone. She came up to me and said, I hate to bother you but… do you have any insight on lupus? I just got diagnosed.

I had about fifteen other patients swirling around in my head. I had half an hour to interpret the data correctly, double check with my attending, and order the stains.

Her question was so out of the blue - normally all the janitors and I say to each other is “thank you” and “you’re welcome” or “good morning”

I didn’t manage to do more than blink at her, pull up uptodate (“doctor google”), print out three articles on lupus diagnosis, treatment, etiology, etc, and ask her to get them from the printer because I was truly that dead tired. I pointed her in the right direction toward the printer. She thanked me on her way out a few minutes later. I completely forgot that any of this happened until literally just now when it hit me, four hours later in bed.

Fuck. Is this what it’s come to? Being too burned out and busy and exhausted to actually stop for a second and hear a person’s story and explain their situation to them in spoken words, with compassion? I gave her only a handful of kind words. I used to have so many. I don’t have any idea if she’s going to understand the articles whatsoever. I’d never seen her before, she wasn’t one of the usual janitors.

What is happening to me. I am barely functioning this week. My attending is horrific. Worse than my mom, but similar in so many ways that I’m constantly triggered. I can see she has ADHD signs and symptoms like I do, but can’t talk to her about it bc she’s old school and likely to respond poorly. she’s rude, constantly expecting too much of everyone else, slow, and her overwhelming anxiety is mostly expressed via shouting at and belittling everyone with “this won’t fly” and “why did this happen? Who did this” when anything goes wrong. We’ve had over 20 marrows four days in a row, which is busier than any other week so far, marrows-wise. I’m just trying to survive. Am on call for two weeks straight (which is a duty hour violation), even though my PD is getting actively yelled at for duty hour violations by the ACGME. I just. Completely forgot about this human interaction. It just fell out of my head as it was happening. I mean. I know I’m dissociating but fuck.

#my thoughts #screaming into the void tonight

[sixstepsaway]

cw personal stuff, mental health, menstruation, adhd, medication, passively suicidal thoughts

so i have PMDD, which isnt great, and over the last decade or so i've been tweaking my entire life to try and make said life livable

a rundown: if i am unmedicated, have no vitamin supplements and do nothing in particular to handle my pmdd, i have three weeks out of every month where i am incredibly depressed, fatigued beyond reason, passively suicidal (as in: i do not think i would move if a boulder was going to run over me, but i am not going to go onto tinder to try and match with a boulder any time soon), apathetic about everything except (if i'm LUCKY, else the depression is worse) my current hyperfixation, unable to focus on anything (so my adhd is worse, which took me until a year ago to realize) and just...terrible

three weeks of every month

i figured out quickly that the pill helps, but i cant have the combined pill (i have migraines) so i'm stuck with the minipill (which is progesterone only, i believe?) of which one brand doesn't give me horrible side-effects

this brings me down to like.. a week and a half before my period is shitty? still passively suicidal, still terrible adhd issues, but less time

i called up my doctor who offered me antidepressants which i didnt really want and she recommended vitamin... B6? which i take a big supplement of, and i will admit helps a lot

but the thing that i hadnt realized was having a really strong (positive) effect is i started taking 5-HTP a few years ago in the hopes it would combat my depression and apathy, which it does! and i did not realize

until i got on my ADHD medication and came off my daily caffeine supplement (which i was using to self-medicate said ADHD) and the 5-HTP in the concern it might have a bad reaction

i'm being titrated on the ADHD medication rn (so week 1 is 20mg, week 2 is 30, week 3 is 40, week 3 (current!) is 50, and finally week 4 is 60, and the goal is to find the dose that has the best effect on my ADHD

this medication is amazing and my fatigue is all but gone, which is astonishing and makes me want to cry with a combination of relief and, i guess, grief? because i've lost 15+ years of my life to thinking my problem (CFSME, which I might still have but i dont KNOW and honestly probably never will) couldnt be medicated/fixed (CFSME they just send you home to rest and reduce stress like meh over here) and it actually could??? i just had the wrong target?? i thought my brain was okay but my body was fucked but actually my brain was broken this whole time? hahaha fuck

anyway that brings us to today where i am sitting here, really low, genuinely wishing a boulder would hit me up on tinder, not really giving a shit about anything (including going downstairs to wake my ducks up for breakfast, you know, the ducks i've been sewing diapers for, the ducks i love more than life itself), kind of wanting to cry

my apathy came back a week or so ago, and i've realized the apathy is what the 5HTP was effectively medicating as well as it was. and now i checked my bujo and sure enough this time last month was my pre-period week so no wonder i want to goddamn die

and i'm still stuck on mobile data (some guy did 60 in a 20 and knocked out the pole that held up all the wires at the bottom of our street and we've had no internet ever since, we're on tethered mobile data and have been this whole time, i have bought 22GB of mobile data and the first 10GB i went through like a flash because it turned out the tumblr app on my phone was using background data like crazy and i hadnt realized and now i'm refusing to buy more data because this is STUPID) and everything just feels helpless and hopeless

and i'm finally feeling all the things about the fact this could have been fixed. this could have been fixed years ago

i didnt have to live like this

#pp #adhd

[di--es---can-ic-ul-ar--es]

help, the girl I'm seeing is bi but I'm the first guy she's ever dated (both late 20s). what do I do when the time comes for us to do the deed? so far we have not gone beyond making out and clothed groping

I'm assuming you're both cis because base rate.

Well I dont have unique advice, the bi ladies I've been with have all been coming at it from the other side. but I can say the obvious, mostly stuff that applies to every girl you bang:

1. Talk a lot beforehand. There's no clear line between gathering information and verbal foreplay. Leverage that. (Send another message if you need help making the interview list, I wanna keep this high level and pg13). And honestly when I was younger I loved fast nonverbal and yolo, very hot and romantic, but once you're older you have to facilitate more targeted experiences, people have already had that younger kind of sex and their bar is higher. (At the same time I could be wrong: someone may explicitly prefer fast nonverbal and yolo, but you're clever I'm sure you'll figure out a way to ascertain this somewhere in the process)

2. Dont be penetration obsessed. The number one complaint I've heard about boring mediocre sex from women is that the guy thinks it's all climbing one mountain with penetration at the top. You can assume that someone who's had a lot of lesbian sex will feel doubly about this. You can use step one to find out what her toy history is, sounds like for all you know at this point you wont be her "first penetration" if you count toys.

3. On oral: I think there's this idea in the memeplex that guys who dont like to go down on women arent valid, the complaints about them that I've read seem very uncharitable. I fully accepted that until I banged a woman who didnt like dick in her mouth, and I realized that I thought she was valid, so I updated that guys who dont like doing oral are valid. However there is a cost!! The chick who didnt want to go down didnt have me at my A-game! I tried my best but without proper foreplay, ladies I'm only human, I might not be able to perform to my standard. So flip this around, well I have a hypothesis that the overall experience scales with how talented or enthusiastic or even just plain willing you are to do oral. You shouldn't do it if you dont want to, if you physically hate it tell her that. But if you're physically lukewarm about it, derive from your desire to overall facilitate an experience an instrumental desire to be an oral partner. It's something that seems to go a long way. And read about good oral techniques. And everyone's different, you know consulting two hours with a generic clit expert is probably less valuable than consulting with your lady in particular.

4. This will dovetail with 5. Her wetness is like consent in that its not a bar for a horse to jump over, it's one of those impact meters at the carnival where you smash it with a hammer or your fist and you want the score to go as high as possible. This relates to 2: guys who are bad at sex think "is she wet enough for us to get away with penetration?". You want to ask "how wet can she possibly get?", your standard should be that when people ask her how wet she tends to get in the future she has to say "well there was this one time it got really out of hand, but usually it's more like [how it was with people who arent you]"

This is more of a meta point and may be a little too specific to my topping and/or domming practice and doesnt apply for every partner, but I'm gonna share it anyway because I think it represents a somewhat healthy direction for overall sexual culture to go in:

5. Escalate consent from yes to fuck yes. Dont do anything she doesnt beg for. Think about the oral question: consider not letting her put your dick in her mouth if you think she's just doing it for you or out of obligation, make it something that either she really really wants to try or it doesnt happen.

Some people dont really want to get into begging mode (sometimes you have to start hitting it then stop to get them to beg), some people even get less turned on at verbal consent cuz they're like "what's the matter with you cant you read my body language?" and you should try to ascertain where your lady falls on these spectrums. But they tend to really appreciate when you have a higher bar for what you'll consider a "yes", even if they dont like to beg.

#fellas #the straights might be ok #facilitating experiences

[wizardouxie]

Evil Douxie AU Ash Dispersal Pattern is something I Have Not been able to stop thinking about. Just, whoever the leader is, seeing this moping emo kid working in a cafe and being like “ah. New recruit.” Douxie gets dragged along to a meeting somehow (cough Archie gently bullies him into going cough) and he picks up the guitar. For the first little while he’s grouchy and adamantly refuses to be pleasant or even civil. After he meets the old lady, his jabs start to get more friendly and 1/2

teasing and the band notices and responds in turn, until you eventually get an exchange like this: “aw, you know you love us” “...” “YOU DIDNT DENY IT” “waIT NO SHUT UP” “YOU LOVE US” etc etc and just,,, this group of college kids forcibly adopting Douxie makes me soft. How accurate would you say this is to your AU?? -M.H. Anon 2/2

VERY ACCURATE.

[ DISCLAIMER: This is... very very long. That’s all. ]

Ash Dispersal Pattern took a hard hit this year, losing their guitarist in a nasty fight after a gig. Because of that, they were forced to opt out from the Battle of the Bands. Of course then the end of the world happened three times, which also sucked.

But you know, life is too short so might as well say ‘screw it’ and find a new member right? The member that left can eat dirt for all they cared now. And so they put up flyers calling for auditions as a guitarist.

...no one shows up.

Okay so they gotta figure out a new plan. And what better place to do so than in a cafe? So here they are trying to figure out how to get a guitarist. Douxie shows up with their drinks and one of them goes “ayo what’s up!” only to receive a “tch” in response. They’re confused.

“Yo what’s his problem?”

“He’s probably having a rough day, maybe family issues?”

“I dunno man, but his hair looks sick as hell,”

And then it clicks to them. Maybe... him?

And now Douxie is surrounded by strangers that vaguely look around his age, well roughly give or take a few centuries, and he’s biting his tongue.

“I said no.” he replies firmly, backing away. He slings his jacket over his shoulder and eyes a stray black cat curled up nearby before heading on his way. Weirdos. A discussion immediately blows up among the members.

“Are you sure you wanna go with this guy? We’ve had our share of jerk guitarists,”

“Okay but can we talk about his hair? It’s so cool, I bet he has tattoos too,”

“Enough about the hair! Look this kid’s tryna play tough guy with us, but I think we can soften him up, it’ll just take some time.”

“Aight you’re the boss here, but if he screws us over, you’re taking responsibility,”

Archie overhears the conversation and smiles. These children seemed kind, and Douxie could use some normal friends. Nothing against the Arcadia gang, but they have more than enough on their plate and he can’t exactly force them to integrate the ex sorcerer into their friend group.

Douxie hates the idea. It’s stupid.

“You’ve already signed me up for two jobs and school. I don’t even need school! I have centuries worth of knowledge these mortals can’t even dream of knowing,”

“Yes, but we are trying to blend in, Douxie. And besides, I remember you used to play the lute. The guitar is quite similar I believe,”

“Arch I haven’t touched that instrument for god knows how long,”

“Have you forgotten how to play it then?”

Douxie goes quiet. Archie smiles. Well that makes his job much, much easier. He readjusts his glasses.

“I overheard their next meeting is this Thursday, and you’re going. Isn’t that convenient? You don’t work any shifts on that day. It’ll be good for you,”

“That’s what you say about everything!”

“Have I ever been wrong?”

Silence again. So Archie may have developed a talent for shutting up his familiar. He doesn’t really know if that’s a good thing, but it’s definitely frequent.

Thursday rolls in and Douxie shows up to rehearsal grudgingly. The members are surprised. He tells them not to get cozy; just wanted to try something new out. Luckily for him, the members had a backup guitar. The strings feel strange against his calloused hands but also familiar in a way. He strums a chord and a chorus of “ooooo”s fill the room.

“What? I’m competent,” he snaps. The leader raises her hand.

“Didn’t imply you weren’t.”

And so the first few weeks pass by without much conversation. Rehearsals weren’t so bad on the musical aspect; Douxie could play the guitar pretty effortlessly, much to their astonishment. They regularly complimented him even when he did things his own way rather than follow the sheet music. They rarely ever got a response though. Maybe a “hm” if they’re lucky.

Stage presence on the other hand... he was too stiff and lacked energy. Not to mention he constantly looked like he wanted to be anywhere but here. This was where the others started to get slightly ticked off.

“He’s sucking the life out of us dude, like we’re Ash Dispersal Pattern and he’s the freaking vacuum!” the drummer complained

“He doesn’t even sing with us! It’s supposed to be a group effort,” the bass player added.

“Yeah... honestly playing without a guitarist seems better than this,” the vocalist muttered quietly. Everyone looked at them and then the leader.

The leader pinches her nose. So that’s what they all thought huh? And as much as majority would usually win, this wasn’t what she wanted, to lose someone at such an early stage. What they’ve got going is not bad; it just could be better.

“Look, I get it, we’ve had a hard year and him being difficult doesn’t help us. But don’t you think he’s having it hard too? And we’ve all been there before. We’ve had our fights with parents, schools, society and he’s clearly going through it. Right now our best course of action is to just let it pass and let him approach us instead of coming on too strong.”

“Ah so that’s why we chose you as the leader,” the bass player jokes. The leader rolls her eyes.

“Can it, buttsnack.”

Miracles start occurring after the introduction of the little old lady. Douxie no longer keeps on a straight face. Rather, his eyes wonder curiously, mouth forming expressions that he’s not even conscious of. One day the drummer catches him... pouting. Now that’s an expression he didn’t think he’d get to see. 

“You okay there, Hisirdoux? Something get you down?”

“The stairs,” he jokes halfheartedly. 

He gets startled when he hears the drumsticks rattle against the floor. The drummer is running upstairs, yelling. And then he comes back dragging the leader who’s looking at him with concern.

“Yo Hisirdoux my dude, tell her what you told me!” 

“He asked me if something got me down. I said the stairs. Thought it was funny,” the guitarist shrugs. The leader snorts.

“That’s the best you can do?” she comments smiling. Douxie returns the smile much to her surprise.

“Of course not, but do you deserve my best?” The drummer’s jaw drops. Oh snap. The leader on the other hand is very pleased. This is what she’s looking for.

Suddenly Douxie’s phone rings. He picks up while the others listen curiously. His face breaks out into a huge grin. It’s the little old lady.

“Hello love, I’ll pick you up in ten minutes, sound good? Just finishing up rehearsal,” he says softly.

The drummer wiggled his eyebrows at the leader.

“Ooooo we got a lovebird in the band!”

Douxie chokes. 

“Are you okay Douxie?”

“Yeah, yeah, something came up but I’ll be there okay!” He ends the call promptly and shakes his head furiously.

“Aww Douxie’s such a cute name, why can’t we call you that?”

“FIRST OF ALL SHE IS NOT, ahem, she is not my girlfriend. That would be awkward because she is um, sixty to seventy years old,” 

He doesn’t tell them that technically he is 919. The leader meanwhile, looks pointedly at the drummer who is slowly shrinking in his spot. Whoops. Bad call. Douxie looks at the clock. 5:20 pm. He starts packing up, slinging the guitar backpack over his shoulder.

But before he leaves, he surprises them one more time.

“You guys can call me Douxie or Doux too, by the way. The name is growing on me.”

Rehearsals are so much better after that. Douxie’s smiling and talking to them, performing much more animatedly and giving it his all. He still kinda jabs at them, but there’s no tension behind it.

Nowadays he practices at home instead of waiting for rehearsal. It’s a little hard to fit time what with schoolwork and shifts, but he makes it happen. Archie stares at him fondly. This was the life that Douxie needed. One with a balance between honest work and fun.

One day, Douxie brings in some takeout from the bistro. A little celebratory gift because Ash Dispersal Pattern finally got a successful gig after so long. They open up all the boxes, set out plates, napkins flying all over the place. It’s loud, chaotic, a little dirty, but it doesn’t matter to Douxie because he’s with his friends.

Wait.

“Dang Doux, you didn’t have to do all this but you did anyways. I bet you love us. don’t you?” the vocalist teased.

Douxie remains quiet. Friends. As in, people he really cares about and looks forward to spending time with. People who he wouldn’t mind spending the rest of his life with. People who he --

“--LOVES US SHUT UP OH MY GOD!” the drummer yells, taking him back to reality. He looks at them with a smile and a shrug and suddenly he’s being attacked with hugs. They’re all screaming about how he’s always been soft and loved them from the start.

And then he’s crying. Everyone starts to panic and they’re scrambling off of him, asking him if he’s okay, if what they did was too much or anything like that. He shakes his head, trying to wipe his tears. It’s just... he’s never been held like this by so many people and for so long. He was so touch starved that he didn’t know what to do with this much love and appreciation. Quite frankly it’s been so long since it felt like he was truly wanted. 

He tells them it’s okay, really, he was just a little overwhelmed. But now the craving for their touch is so much stronger.

“Can you hold me again like that? Just for a bit? It was nice,” he asks timidly and they nod eagerly. Within ten minutes, they fall asleep in each other’s arms. Archie quietly pulls a blanket over them and sleeps on Douxie’s lap.

His work here is done.

#this is so long omg #but i promise it's very cute #toa #tales of arcadia #toa wizards #tales of arcadia wizards #wizards #hisirdoux casperan #hisirdoux #douxie #archie #M.H anonnie #evil douxie

[dyke-remy]

Live And Let Die, part 3

Part 1   part 2   Part 4   Part 5    Part 6

Description: Agent 008 and Agent 009, professional spies for the MI6 with liscense to kill. Partners in both work and love. After an agent goes missing the partners have to once more go out into the field. (It’s a James Bond AU)

You don’t need to know anything about James Bond to be able to read this fic, trust me

Cw: Described assasination

Words: 3832

The sun had just about risen when the agents woke up. It was the morning after the mission and they were laying cuddled up in the hotel bed. Remus had plopped himself on top of Remy and wrapped his arms around them like usual. He said it was to snuggle while they slept but it was really so that he could act as a human shield for them even in sleep.

"g'mornin my dear dead heart of min-" Remus began to mumble out but Remy placed a finger over his mouth to shut him up.

He laid still and listened. The sound of someone opening the door to the hotel room could be heard followed by quiet steps. The agents glanced at each other. From the angle Remy was laying at they couldn't see much except for the ceiling and their husband's face. Remus slowly moved his hand under the pillow and grabbed the knife he'd hidden under it just in case.

The footsteps continued until they stopped by the side of the bed. Out of the corner of his eye Remus saw the person move making his instincts go off. In one swift motion he'd turned around to press the knife against the enemy's neck.

"What a charming greeting 008" Q also known as Logan muttered out. He eyed the knife held against his neck with an unimpressed look on his face. He had a black briefcase with him.

"Q!!!" Both of the Rems let out a happy exclaim.

"You should have said you were coming!" Remy said while sitting up in the bed.

"That's what she said" Remus added.

"I wasn't going to but then I figured it would be for the best if this mission got another step"

Remus moved the blanket aside and patted the spot between the two Rems "Cuddle up motherfucker!"

"008 please put some pants on. I've seen That thing enough for a lifetime" Q stated before sitting down in the middle.

The Rems promptly latched onto him. Hugging him. Remy ran their hand through his pressed down curly hair. Remus nibbled kisses by the start of his neck.

"So 008, you said in your report from yesterday that the man who held the real copy of the keys to Picani's room was named Ron Stewart correct?"

"Yeah"

"Well I discovered that he is on a train today towards Lithuania along with cargo for his company. His company is stated as an electricity manufacturer but it didnt take a lot of research to find he also has ties to something else. I am not sure of what yet but it is earning him a lot of income. For your information Picani's mission before he was killed was to find solid evidence of what this side business was"

Remy held back a wince at the mention of Picani "Aight easy. We get on the train. I Kill him. We figure out like what the fuck he's up to and like revenge Emile. Piece of cake" Remus nodded along.

"Yes well" Q opened the briefcase "In other news I took a few gadgets with me to aid you" He took out a pair of black high heels and handed them to Remy "Same function as always. Black like you requested"

"It's 'cause black tots goes with like anything"

A small box, not bigger than a thumb, was up next. Q opened it slightly to show white pills inside before giving it to Remy "I've tried to make it so the taste of poison is even less subtle"

The enby got a sinister smile on their face "They won't know what hit them!"

Remus dragged in Logan's sleeve "Me time!! I want gadgets too!!!"

Q nodded before taking out a long thin black straw and gave it to the duke "Be careful. Please! This is your 7th laser so don't break it. It's not a knife. It's not a stick. It's a laser. It heats things up. It doesn't cut through things. It heats them up. Please I don't want to have to make another one"

The duke looked at it with a giddy smile before looking up. A few moments of silence went by before his smile disappeared "That's all? I only get 1 gadget???? Rem got 2! You're playing favorites just 'cause you fuck them!"

"No. I am playing favorites because they don't break their gadgets!........But I do actually have another gadget for the both of you"

Q took out 2 pens and several coins. He sat the coin as far away on the blanket as he could. He pressed down on a specfic point on it before leaning back and pressing the pen up and down 5 times. The coin exploded leaving a hole in the blanket. The Rems let out oooohs and ahhhhs in response.

"Explosives. Each coin causes 1 explosion. Right now I'll give you 20 to use but you can always request more. Oh and 008" He took out 2 packages of pills "You forgot you stimulants" It was to help him focus better, his lil autistic rat brain wasn't good at that "And antidepressants at the base again so I thought I'd bring them to you"

"Aww thanks Q. How caring!"

"No problem. As your quartermaster I must care for you after all. INcluding caring for your mental health. Well I wish you good luck on your mission"

The Rems glanced at each other before sending Q puppy eyes. "You can wish us good luck better than that can't you?"

Logan let out an amused sigh and rolled his eyes before nodding. He gave Remus a kiss on the lips before doing the same to Remy. He was aro and didn't see kissing as a serious thing, neither did the Rems. The kissing before missions was just a nice tradition.

Remy traced their finger over their lips "I already have a feeling this mission will go splendid"

--

3 hours later Remy was sitting by a luxurious vanity in front of a mirror. They were meticulously filling in their lips with cheery red lipstick. Remus came up from behind and put his hands on their shoulders before leaning down to press a kiss to their cheek.

The enby took the blade laying on the vanity and held it up to his face "Dear if you kiss me now you'll ruin my make up and I will have to kill you for that"

"Sounds like a sweet death" He teased in return.

"If I wanted to make it a sweet one I would"

Remus glanced around at the make up products while putting on an overly extra pout "Why can't I ever get to be the lady???"

"Hun you have a giant caterpillar on your upper lip and it is the bane of my existance. If you could just let me shave it off-"

The duke gasped and covered his precious mustache with his hands "NEVER!!!"

" Well it would make disguising you much easier. If some baddie sees you once they're gonna remember that nasty ass muschie for like months! And secondly you don't really have like the right bone structure. Like girl you would look like the most beautiful lady I'd ever seen but you wouldn't look like the kind of gal these dirtbags want y'know?"

"I know"

Remy leaned their head against his chest and smiled up at him. "When we get home I can make you look nice and pretty kay? I'll evem lend you my fav mini skirts...As long as your dumptruck ass doesn't destroy them"

Remus grinned and let out a giddy laugh "OHOHOHOH let's get these bitches killed so we can get home PLEase!!"

After another half hour Remy was ready to go. They'd hidden a blade on their left thigh and stuck the box of pills on the side of their underwear. Remus took them by the arm and they walked out into the hallway of the train. They looked around various mini suites before coming out into a bigger cart. The bar.

Blue satin sheets framed the windows. Sunlight strimmed in onto dark wooden tables with comfortable seats surrounding them. The bar was ornate and it's menu was filled with expensive cocktails.

The enby bumped their elbow into their husband's ribs before pointing over to a booth in the corner. There Ron Stewart sat alone with a bowl of olives and a beer.

Remus mumbled a quiet 'you got this' before letting go off their arm. He sat down by the bar at such an angle so he could watch Stewart without it being noticeable. He ordered a glass of water and began to sprinkle copious amount of salt and pepper into it as he watched Remy go up to Stewart. Their body language was completely different. He overheard something about coincidences and seeing him at the casino. It didn't take long until Stewart had moved so Remy could sit down next to him.

The duke let out a content sigh and looked out the window. It was in quiet moments like these, while waiting for his spouse to do what they did best, that he admired them more than ever. All he could do was sit and think about how much he loved them. How he loved Every part of them. Thinking and thinking until it felt like his heart would burst.

It wasn't until someone bumped into him he got out of his thoughts. He looked up and saw Remy leaning on the bar.

"Vodka martini. Shaken not stirred please" Remy ordered.

Remus poked his elbow into their ribs plafully "Dork. Using my dad's catchphrase like that" He teased with a smirk.

They rolled their eyes at him before adding "And you can place a bottle of champange in suite 17!"

While the bartender worked on it the enby sat down next to Remus. They looked in the other direction while speaking so Stewart wouldn't notice.

"He's involved in human trafficking. That's where his like money comes from. Was supa easy to get it out of him. Dirty bastard. Didn't get what is in the cargo but he joked that it wasn't human at least"

"Okay good!" Remus exclaimed "So we go to the cargo see whats up. And then when we're done we can go back and arrest Stewart when we're done. Easy peasy pumpkin pie motherfucker"

Remy dug their nails down into the table so hard it left marks "Nah I'm murdering him now"

Remus opened his mouth before closing it again and thinking. He decided the wise and only choice was to support his spouse in their killing ways "Okay yeah sure. Have fun. If you're not back in 15 minutes I'll assume something has gone wrong and will come help"

They sent him a small smile "Thanks babe"

They downed the martini in one sweep and took a deep breathe before putting on their fake smile again. They went back to Stewart. All it took was a few flirty comments while leaning close to him to get him to walk with them to his room. Like a lamb blissfully going to the slaughter.

The champagne had been set on the bedside table in a bucket of ice like they'd requested. Stewart sat down on the edge of the bed and patted the place next to him. Remy obediently sat down. A taste of nausea filled their mouth when he placed his hand on their inner thigh. But they kept their facade of liking it up. Kept it up even as he whispered what he wanted to do with them into their ear and pressed kisses to their neck.

Remy leaned away when he tried to go for a kiss on the mouth "Shall I get the champange Dear?"

He eagerly nodded in return. They got up and made sure to move slow. They cast a look back at him while moving their dress up up to their right hip, just enough so a bit of their underwear showed. They ran their hand under their underwear line feeling where the small box they'd hidden laid. The box with poisonous pills in it.

They kept their expression the same as they caught hold of the box and in one smooth motion hid it under their bracelet. They kept their dress up as they poured up the champange. Out of the corner of their eye they could see Stewart only looking at their thighs so they took the opppurtunity to let a single white pill go down into one of the drinks.

It dispersed in the drink in under a second. They made a mental note to give Q an extra kiss for his excellent job the next time they saw him. They gave the glass to him before sitting down to straddle his lap.

"Cheers" Remy said.

"Cheers baby"

Their smile widened as they watched him drink. They waited until he'd emptied the glass before smashing their own glass against his skull. Stewart barely had time to let out a yell before they'd pushed him down with his back against the bed. They laid their weight on hips to keep him down while forcing his arms over his head.

"What are you-" Stewart didn't finish his sentence. He let out a strange sound as his face began to turn red. The poison was setting in.

Remy took the blade from their thigh and held it up to his neck. Close enough to let out droplets of blood but not close enough to cut him open.

"When I got home after staying out all night for the first time my moms cried of relief because they were sure I'd been taken by human traffickers working for the likes of you. I've had friends go missing just 'cause people like you think no one will notice if a homeless person disappears" They growled out.

"I will-" He forced out.

"Honey you won't do shit" Remy interrupted. They let out a cold chuckle "You'll lay there and wait to see if the poison or-" They cut the knife into his neck with such precision it hit the veins just enough to open them, like they'd done a hundred times before "the blood loss kills you first"

Stewart couldn't say anything more. He was choking on air and blood at the same time. The white satin sheets turned red as Remy sat still and watched every slight change in his expression. It went from anger to a pained one to complete fear of death.

His legs kicked to instinctively try and get Remy off and his hands flailed around his neck to try and stop the bleeding but it was to no avail. Soon his limbs stopped moving and the desperate sounds he'd been letting out quieted. Before finally his eyes became glossy and he stopped blinking. The blood had stopped dripping out.

"Blood loss huh" Remy said to of course no answer.

They stood up and hid the blade under their dress again. They let out an annoyed groan when they noticed blood stains on the dress. They'd liked this one! They searched around the room for anything useful.

In the drawer of the nightstand they found a key card to the cargo section of the train. They gave themself a pat on the back and was about to leave when they saw a document that had laid next to the key. They stuffed it down their top to keep it for later. Q was usually the one who told them if a document was important or not.

Remus shone up into a big goofy grin when he saw his spouse return. He held himself back from giving them a big long kiss. They took his hand, intertwined their fingers, and pulled him along to the small passage leading up to the cargo parts of the train.

There was a thick metal door stopping them from entering the cargo part. With a triumphant smirk Remy pulled out the key card and unlocked out while Remus gave them a small round of applause.

008 kept his gun ready in his hand as he entered the first cargo train with 009 right behind him. There were 2 guards who both immediately reached for their guns. Remus shot one of them at the same time Remy threw their blade into the neck of the other.

The couple high fived. Remy was using the new gadget high heels Q had given them. They took the heels off so the high heel turned into a normal shoe, it somewhat looked like a ballet shoe. Inside the heels 2 more blades were hidden.

The train was empty aside from a few meaningless boxes but there were one more cargo cart to look through. "How about I stay here and make sure no like bitches come at you from this side and you continue to the rest of the like cargo?" Remy suggested.

"Sounds like a plan!"

Remus pressed a kiss to the top of their forehead before quickly continuing on to the small outside part connecting the two carts. Remy closed the door behind him.

He pressed his ear against the door to the next cart. There were footsteps coming from the other side. He rolled up his sleeves before jumping up and just about grabbing on to the edge of the cart's roof. With a strained groan he heaved himself up. The wind nearly knocked him over as soon as he stood up. It was the last cart so whatever was important in the cargo section had to be in there.

The roof was made out of metal. Remus took out the black laser. He was careful to not point it at himself as he moved it against the roof. When he turned it a spark went off before it's cold blue almost fire looking laser burried down into the roof.

Slowly the metal began to melt. He moved it just as slowly around in a square motion. Until it had melted enough that he was able to move it. He made sure the laser created a small hole, just about to press a few fingers in, before turning it off. He covered his hands in the fabric of his shirt and let out a grunt as he grabbed onto the hole in the metal and moved it until a small opening down into the carriage had been made.

He peered down and like he'd suspected there were at least 10 guards inside. All of them were heavily armed. There was no way Remus would be able to take them all.

Luckily he didn't have to. He took one of the explosive coins and clicked on it before dropping it down into the carriage. He didn't even give the guards a chance to react before detonating it.

No more sounds came from inside the carraige. Remus dropped down from the roof and opened the door. The guards laid still on the ground. He checked their pulses. It was going slow and unsteady so they wouldn't be waking up soon (aka in several days probably).

There wasn't much in the carriage. A few box filled with guns and ammunition littered the wooden floor but aside from that all there was was a metal box in the corner. It was big enough to fit a human if they hunched down. It was thick enough that he doubted even one of the explosives would get it open. He tried the key to open it but it didn't work.

"What the fuck" He mumbled to himself.

On the sides and top of the box things were engraved. He was unsure if it'd been engraved a knife or...teeth.....somehow. The same sentences were written over and over.

Remus tried to read it but all the words swirled around and changed places. He hit his hands against his head and tried to concentrate. Usually Remy read things for him when on missions (and when home too honestly), and before he had them he had.....He had.....

He despised his dyslexia so much. Sensory overload could be avoided by Q ordering clothes with the exact textures he could handle and making him earpieces that filtered out just enough sound so he wouldn't panic. People didn't notice his lack of eye contact and fumbling with social cues and voice tones as long as he was looked normal. But there was no way to get around his dyslexia.

It took (in his opinion) an embarrassing amount of time before he was able to piece the words together. But when he finally did his body went cold.

Targets: 0̶0̶5̶ 0̶0̶1̶2̶ 009 008 - Remus Smythe

They knew his name. They knew his name.

Remus felt nauseous. His heart was beating so fast he could hear it. How the fuck did they even know that. What more did they know?? He was used to people knowing his name as Remus Smythe the son of Octavia Smythe. But not as Remus smythe the 008 agent.

He knew his mom could defend herself. All of the women, his caregivers, on the floating palace could. but still. At least they didn't know Remy's name. At least- At least- They were after them though! They specifically wanted to murder the love of his life.

Sure people had been trying to kill them before. Many a times. But he and Remy had known the two of them were strong enough to proctect themself. But....but....these people had killed Picani. Emile Picani! They could- they would-

He took a step back. Logically he should figure out a way to open the box. That was why he has here wasn't it? But he had to make sure Remy was okay. Had to-

He turned around and quickly went towards the door. He stopped midstep as he heard something metal-like crash under his foot. He looked down and realized he'd stepped on a dogtag one of the guards had been holding.

The metal plate was cold in Remus' hand as he tried to read it. His eyes widened. He didn't have to struggle to make the words out. He would always be able to recognize that name in an instant.

His hand shook as he forced the dogtag down into his pocket. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe. He couldn't breathe.

He stumbled out from the carriage before throwing the door open to the next one. He was hyperventilating as he collapsed onto his knees. He looked up through tears at the blurry sight of Remy.

They'd been sitting on a box cleaning one of their blades while using the bodies of the guards they'd killed as a footstool. When they saw their husband they quickly went over and sat down in front of him. They moved their arms around his shoulders while checking for injuries.

"What happened? Are you hurt?"

"R-remy" He cried out. He hugged them as tight as he could and slumped his head against their chest. Uneven sobs racked his body.

"It's okay. It's okay babe. Shhh. Breathe for me" They moved their hand through his hair to soothe him "Just follow my breathing"

"You c-can't be hu-hurt"

"I'm not. I promise. You always take my injuries for me like an idiot. I'm 100% okay"

"It's- They- He-"

With a shaky hand he took out the dogtag from his pocket. It felt like the name engraved on it burned into his skin. Remy held onto his hand.

"What- who's tag is that?"

Remus glanced up at them with tear filled eyes "The f-former 009. Roman"

#live and let die #remus sanders #remy sanders #logan sanders #ts remus #ts remy #sanders sides #thomas sanders #intrusleep #remsleep #resleep #rem^2 #please reblog

[violetnotez]

My Hero

Pro Hero! Red Riot x Reader

I havent seen much for Pro Hero Red Riot so I thought Id mine as well give it a shot! This is a rewrite of one of my older fics so I hope its a little better than the last :)

-----------------------------

Genre: Angst (ish) to Fluff

Word Count: 2500+

Warnings: Catcalling, cussing

Summary: When you decide to leave your neglectful date and walk home, your met with a drunken idiot who cant seem to understand the meaning of “No”-until the hero Red Riot comes to save the day.

One Shot

(RULES | MASTERLIST| REQUESTS OPEN!!! :))

Why did I ever think this was going to be fun,” you thought miserably, the chilly night air biting your exposed skin.

Parties were never your “thing”, since nobody really invited you. It wasn’t because you were hated at your school or were an outcast; it was  just you didn’t care to belong to a ‘clique’. You were a roamer, being a friend to anyone who was nice and social enough to talk to you, but you never became to the level of close friends with any of them. So, when you had been invited to go to a house party by one of your guy friends who was a little bit popular, you were more than just a “little” shocked. You were completely confused on why, but you shrugged it off and just decided to go. How bad could it be?

Very bad, more than you had expected, and now you were cursing at yourself for even agreeing to be his date. He decided to take you with a group of his old high school friends, who were the definition of a typical “Popular” group of high school: a bunch of lip glossed cheerleaders and crazy sports fanatics. It would’ve been tolerable to be around such a group if your “date” was polite enough to pay attention to you, but he had ran off to be idiots with all his football buddies, leaving you defenseless with the slightly air headed cheerleaders.

You were seriously itching to rip out your hair from frustration all night.

When two hours of having to deal with high pitch squeals from girls who would laugh at anything the guys would say finally hit, you were thoroughly annoyed and grossed out and wanted to go home. You tracked down your date, told him you were leaving, and walked yourself home, politely declining his offer of driving you home.

You had just passed what looked like another house party, the music pumping through the windows as people came in and out of the house, stumbling and dancing around with no care in the world.

To say you were mad was an understatement. You were exhausted from having to act like you were enjoying yourself so you didnt look like a whiny prick, mad that you had actually used up your money (and was now broke) on a dress and a pair of shoes you’d never wear again, and a little hurt your “date” just left you to fend for yourself with his buddies’ dates all night.

You were so frustrated at yourself and the whole situation, you almost didn’t hear the person behind you.

“Hey hottie, where ya going lookin like that?”

You whipped around, the slurred voice making your blood run cold.

The guy in front of you was definitely intoxicated, his overly gelled hair slicked back, his polo untucked and a red cup in his hand. His face was plastered with such a smug smile, it made you want to cringe from disgust. This guy was a total creep.

“Buzz off,” you gave him a dirty look, mustering your face to look menacing when on the inside you were terrified.

“Playing hard to get, huh, babe? I like that,” the drunken idiot walked closer, his drink sloshing out of the cup and the stink of alcohol and sweat hitting you, making you feel dizzy.

“No,” you walked backwards quickly in fear, “Im trying to get away from you! Now go to back to your party and leave me alone.” You pleaded the last part, wishing you could break out in a run but knew you’d hurt yourself on your shoes. 

He was getting too close for comfort. You could now see clearly the stitching of the emblem on his polo, a bright cherry red. HIs breath was suffocating you, making it harder to breath. You looked around desperately for any way out.

“Why dont you come inside, baby- you’ll definitely want to stay here once your alone with me,” the drunken idiot licked his lips, making you shiver in disgust.

“What the hell!” you gasped in shock, pushing him away from you. “Get the hell away from me you creep!” you yelled, hoping somebody would hear you as you frantically walked backwards, trying a last ditch attempt to shake this creepo off as he drunkenly groped for your arm.

“Whats your deal?!” the man yelled accusingly, as if you were in the wrong and stumbling closer to you. “Why are you being such a bitc-”

“I wouldnt finish that sentence if I were you.”

You looked up quickly, your eyes still wide with terror as you searched for the source of the voice. Your gaze fell upon a boy wearing a plain gray hoodie, with spiky hair as red as a cherry. His eyes were dark, slanted in a mad glare. He looked as if he was going on a night run, and you felt relief flood your body- somebody heard you and was willing to help.

“What the hell dude, mind your own damn business-!” the drunk yelled out in anger, but then he paused, and something strange happened- the man actually looked scared. ‘Wait...I know that hair...your the hero Red Riot, right?” he said with a mix of awe and terror, turning sober for the span of .2 seconds.

“Huh, so you do have a brain? Wouldn’t have guessed that!” he laughed, a feeling of safety warming your body- a Hero was saving you-and a great one at that! You remembered that name instantly- you had seen Red Riot all the time on TV, sporting that signature red, spiky hair everywhere he went. He was always fighting some villain with that amazing Hardening quirk of his, and you had always taken time to admire his costume (and his amazing body). He was pretty young for a hero, around his early 20′s, but was already being described as one of the “Best Debuting Heroes” of that year. 

The drunk man stood there, his groggy mind trying to understand the insult. You took that time to make a run for it- you shoved him again, his drink spilling all over his shirt as you ran towards your savior.

“Dude, what the hell!” he sputtered as he looked down at his now beer soaked shirt.

Red Riot instantly protected you once you got close enough to him, shielding you with his body from the idiot in front of you two. “You gotta admit,” Red Riot said, a laugh spilling out of his lips, “you kinda deserved that. Its not cool to keep pushing on a girl if she says “no”, man.” 

The drunken man’s face turned red from anger and embarrassment. 

“Ya know what, he yelled, “I dont give a damn if your a hero, I’m gonna beat your ass into the ground!”

The drunken idiot threw his cup on the floor, sprinting up to the hero and throwing him a punch aimed for his head.

You gasped, not expecting something so reckless and violent to happen so quickly. Red Riot instantly blocked, though, as if it was a reflex, his hardening quirk making his arm jagged like a mountain cliff.

“Hitting a hero! That wasnt very smart,” Red Riot replied calmly, as if amused. You watched the drunk’s face contort in shock, and then into panic as Red Riot swung a matching punch to his face, knocking him out cold. 

Kirishima looked down at the man in distaste- he hated scumbags like this, who treat others like property and expect rewards for being aggressive. To be honest, he’d loved to do more than just one lousy punch on this idiot but- he was a hero, and heroes didn’t abuse their powers. If he did, he’d be just as bad as this creep.

He sighed, giving one last look to make sure the drunk was breathing and okay-which he was- and turned to the startled girl behind him.

“You alright miss?” Red Riot asked softly, concern in his voice.

You turned sharply, your hair flipping away from your face as you looked up at the hero, your chest hurting from the fear you were feeling moments before.

You looked at him in shock and awe- “You just saved my life,” you stated, the sound of your steady voice surprising you.

He scratched his head, almost looking embarrassed. “Its nothing, really,’ he said quickly, his concern pushing you for an answer. “DId he do anything to you? Are you hurt?”

“A little shaken up,” you said with a weak smile, “but nothing I cant handle.”

“Im sorry you had to deal with that,” he stated, the slight anger in his voice surprising you. “But- is it okay if I can walk you home? I really don’t feel comfortable letting you walk by yourself. The streets are super dangerous at night.”

You laughed sarcastically, trying to ease your nerves and keep the growing pit of emotions at bay. “Yeah, kinda figured that out the hard way.” You paused, thinking the new situation over- you didnt want to walk home by yourself, that was not happening. You felt unsafe, and violated, and the anger and slight embarrassment bubbled in your stomach, threatening to come out in streams across your face. You wanted to forget this, and you felt embarrassed that someone witnessed what just happened, even if it was a person who helped you and you surprisingly felt comfortable around. He seemed like a genuinely good person- someone who would listen to and truly care about someone.“I shouldn’t be embarrassed,” you thought violently to yourself, “it isn’t your fault.” But the feeling of being rejected and then sought after in a disgusting way made you feel crushed, and you couldn’t keep everything in any more. The tears came quietly, then slowly came on harder, the sound of sobbing escaping your mouth.

You willed your tears to go back, to evaporate and leave you, but that, inevitablely, didn’t work. But, surprisingly, the hero didn’t question this. He gently wrapped his arms around you, the soft thin fabric shielding your exposed skin from the cold.

It did feel awkward to hug a stranger at first, but it quickly soothed you.. He didn’t feel so much as a stranger, but an anonymous confidant, a past friend, someone who was easy to be with and be your real self, and not have to pretend that life was great all the time. Sometimes life throws you some curveballs-You just needed someone who a least cared a little bit about how you felt when you got two curveballs in one night.

“You’re safe, I got you. Its not your fault- Youll be okay.”

Your shoulders shook slightly as the tears left your face, the feeling of relievement making you feel much better. As your breathing began to go back to normal pace, you pushed away gently, your now shiny face smiling in embarrassment with a sniffle.

“Are you sure he didnt hurt you? Or do anything to you?” he asked again, his voice filled with care and urgency as he looked into your eyes, searching for an answer. His hands on your shoulders shielded you from the cold, the fabric tickling your skin.

“Yeah, Im okay, what you saw is all he did,” you said, your voice thick from crying. “Im sorry I broke down a little, just-, you sighed, feeling there was no point in keeping your walls up- “ it hasnt been the best night.”

He hugged you again, this time being quicker and harder.

“Dont be sorry for crying, you deserve to. Im just sorry I wasnt here sooner.”

Your heart melted a little for this boy and his big heart. You pushed a piece of hair away from your face, your cheeks a little warmer than the rest of your body.

“No your fine, you didnt know that was happening, Im just so grateful for you helping when you did. I really do mean it when I said you saved my life.”

The hero shuffled, embarrassment yet again evident in his mannerism.

“Just doing my job I guess!” his eyes filled with happiness, the evident blush looking almost comical.

“So- is it alright if I can walk you home?”

You giggled, your stress now alleviated and the look on his face looking so silly it made you feel almost peaceful.

“Of course,” you replied, and you began to walk  alongside him.

You two walked quietly, the soft breeze nipping your skin, but filling your lungs with brisk air, clearing your head. The silence between you two was comfortable as both of you thought deeply. You were going over the events of the night- the feel of betrayal and annoyance, then extreme fear, and relief, and sadness, guilt, happiness- it was so much to process you couldn’t wrap your head around it. But one thing you could think clearly on was the person next to you. You gave him a side eyed glance, staring at his sweatshirt, the toned muscles contouring the sweatshirt. You wish you could know who he was- he seemed sweet and genuine, and not to mention even more handsome in person. But being around him felt peaceful, even for just talking to him for a few moments-the feeling was a little intoxicating.

As Red Riot caught your side eyed glance, the feeling of butterflies filled his stomach. He had just met this girl, but he already knew he liked her. She had a fighter’s spirit, she wasnt hung over the fact that he was a hero and gawking at him like some object- she treated him like a person, not just some hero. She was sweet to him, even though she looked like she just had the crappiest night of her life. And the fact he found her unbelievably pretty made the butterflies fill his stomach with a ticklish feeling.

You two began to start talking a little, slowly becoming more comfortable. You talked about everything, from school to friends to hero work to anything you could think of. By the end, both of you were hurting from laughing and the smiles that were plastered on your faces.

You both reached the front steps of your apartment building, the look of happiness on your face making Kirishima feel great inside. He knew a comfortable walk would make you feel better- it always did for him. But he knew he just met you and he shouldn’t go out of his way so much to help a stranger, but you looked like you needed it. And he had this itching feeling like you deserved something good to happen to you. Everyone does, right?

You looked at him, feeling a rush of butterflies fill your stomach. You had never wanted to get to know someone more so hard in your life. To just know who he was and thank him properly would alleviate the sudden need to know him, not just “Red Riot”. You grabbed your hands tightly, wishing the walk wouldnt ever end.

“Thanks again for  everything,” you smiled warmly, making Red Riot’s stomach bubble with butterflies. 

“Yeah, no problem!” he replied, sadness ebbing into him at the thought of leaving you. His eyes suddenly light up, an idea striking him. 

“Do you by any chance have your phone on you?” he asked sweetly. You gave him a slightly confused look, but nodded, handing him your phone. 

He quietly punched in a few characters in the key pad, and then handed back your phone. You looked down and there was his phone number in your contacts, and his name- “Kirishima.”

“That’s my last name-and- uh- my number,” he chuckled nervously, scratching the back of his neck, “If you never need anything, or want to talk and maybe...go on a date, just-”

“How about tomorrow at 2?” you asked quickly, wanting so badly to meet him again. 

Kirishima was caught completely off guard- in a good way. Electricity flooded his body, as if all his nerves were on everload..

“2 so great! I'll be off tomorrow, so wherever you want to meet, I'll be there!” His smile was so happy and large, you couldn't help but smile back. 

“Thanks again,” you said softly, feeling as if you were in a dream.

Then you did something you wouldn't even expect from yourself- you kissed him on the cheek, before looking one last time at your hero before you closed your front door softly.

“Wait!” Kirishima yelled as he realized something.

“Hm?” you opened the door a crack, your freezing legs hidden behind the warm inside of the door.

“I never got your name!”

You laughed as you realized you never actually did introduce yourself. “Its y/n!”

Kirishima thought your name was beautiful- a pretty name to match a pretty girl. “Well- good night y/n!” You waved goodbye, a smile playing on your lips as you closed your door.

Kirishima looked at your front porch, the spot you kissed still tingling and his heart pounding. He looked at your door in a blissful daze- he couldn’t believe that just happened. A grin spread on his face as he finally turned away from your house, and walked off with a warmth creeping in his chest. A pretty girl he saved kissed him. Well- on his cheek- but still. It was a win for the books.

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Requests open!!!!!

#bnha #bnha hc #bnha x reader #bnha kirishima #bnha kirishima x y/n #bnha kirishima x you #bnha kirishima x reader #kirishima x reader #mha kirishima x reader #kirishima #kirishima imagine #mha kirishima #bnha red riot #red riot #bnha red riot x reader #bnha red riot x you #red riot one shot #bnha red riot x y/n

[chocojjk]

Eggs

summary: badboy! changbin if you squint 

words: 7k

warnings: one mention of death by illness

a/n: this took way too long cause i got so lazy lmfao, slide into my inbox with prompts cause idk what to write after this 

not edited per usual, im lazy :(((

you and changbin lived in different worlds

changbin has always been the schools most notorious bad boy

along with his group, 3racha

he was the typical bad boy -- gets into fights, wears leather, barely shows up to class, etc.

after watching countless of rom-coms, you and i, reader, should know that bad boys like to keep to themselves

and they won't bother you unless you cross their territory, not at all different from changbin

someone bullies one of his friends???

you might as well run now , because he will be coming for your ass

he catches you talking shit?

you should probably say goodbye to your mouth and have a doctors appointment ready

the point im trying to make is that seo changbin does not take shit from anyone

which doesn't really matter at this point because everyone has learned to fear him

on the other hand, you're, what they say is a “good girl”

too caught up with your books and your grades, in the library 24/7, worrying too much about the future you envision

you stayed away from drama as much as possible, happy with the 2-3 friends that you have  

and,,,

well,,,

you probably saw this coming,, but just in case you didnt, ill say it

your two different worlds are about to collide

---------------

youve been searching for a little over 20 minutes to where he could be when you finally spotted him at the table all way in the back of the library

you let out the deepest sigh, you shouldve figured he would choose that table jfc

‘he really is sticking to his reputation’ you think to yourself as you made your way over to him

“hi, im y/n, i'm your tutor,” you say, giving him a soft smile

changbin doesn't even bother to reply to you as he got up and left

you were left standing there like,,,

what the fuck just happened ??

before you finally snapped out of your confused trance and chased after him

catching up to him you grab his arm, putting a complete halt to his movement

and suddenly the library was even quieter than it should be

every single eye in the room focused on the interaction that lies in front of them

the notorious bad boy and the goody two shoes,,, how incredibly cliche

he looks at you, his eyes dark and unreadable

the expression on his face was emotionless yet it felt like he was crushing you under his stare

finally noticing that your hand was still gripped around his arm, you quickly let go, letting out a small “ehem”

the tension in the air was thick, it felt like someone just put a dark cloud above your head and you couldn’t blow it away

god damn this was awkward

not even the good awkward where you can laugh about it later, this is the kind of awkward situation that hits you in the middle of the night and suddenly you're just cringing at every bad thing you have done in the past

“uhm, im suppose to tutor you,” you try to say confidently as soon as you found your voice, but really it was barely above a whisper

“maybe show up on time,” he says, his voice as dark and as strong as his aura

and with one final look at you, he walked out of there

you didnt bother anymore, you knew you were at fault

‘we’ll try again tomorrow,’ you think to yourself before your best friend, hyunjin walked up to you, pulling you outside the library  

“dude are you okay?”

“uhmm, why wouldn’t i be?”

“i just saw you talking to changbin”

“ok and ?”

“he’s bad news y/n,” your best friend says, warning you

“ i dont really have a choice hyunjin” you reply

you think back to 3 days ago when you were called to the principal's office

not gonna lie, you were shaking in your boots,, only bad kids get randomly sent to the principal's office

as you entered the room, Mrs. Seo was already waiting for you behind her desk

“hi ms. l/n, i dont think weve formally met,” she says, reaching out to shake your hand

“ its nice to meet you”

“ please, sit down, make yourself comfortable,” she continued, pointing to the seat right in front of her

sensing your nervousness she quickly added a, “don't worry, you're not in trouble”

phew

your brain was starting to hurt from trying to rack what you must have done wrong to be seated in the big office

“ why am i here then if you don't mind me asking?”

“ ah yes, i need you to tutor my son”

,,,,,

oh

(◎_◎;)

,,,

“umm, why me?”

“you're top 1 in the class, is there anyone better than you to do it?”

well,,, she wasn't wrong

you mentally pat yourself at the back for this, happy that your efforts were being noticed

“don't worry ms. l/n, if you succeed, i’ll make sure you get into any college that you desire “

‘pshhhh, im top 1 ms seo, i can do that on my own’ you think to yourself 

“....and fully paid for.”

well, shit , how can you say no to that offer

its literally free education right in your fingertips  

what's the catch??

“ you can do that?” you ask

“ of course. i know very important people. so what do you say?”

and after a few minutes of contemplating within yourself, you finally agreed

“ also, while you're at it, i want you to change my son's reputation.”

and there it is

“ i'm sorry?” you reply,, maybe you just misheard the fact that she literally asked you to change her son

“ i don't just want you to tutor him in english, i want you to make him a better person.”

“how do you expect me to do that?”

“be his friend. teach him the ways of life, i'm not always gonna be around to get him out of trouble. You're a smart girl ms. l/n you'll figure it out.”

without giving you a final say, she ushered you out of there but not before she added

“ one last thing ms. l/n, dont tell anyone about this.”

the way she said it was so scary, and its like a spell was casted on you and you could only utter out an

“ of course mam”

i guess from her standpoint, she made sense

“ i just dont understand why Mrs. Seo chose you out of all the people”

“ we’ve already gon over this hyunjin”

“ yeah yeah, its cause youre the smartest of the class-”

hyunjin continues to talk however you’ve tuned him out as your eyes went to focus on changbin, himself

greeting the rest of his friends, an actual smile on his face, much different from the changbin you encountered a couple minutes ago

he gets up on his motorcycle and was about ready to put his helmet on when he felt someone staring at him ( i told yall, tYpiCAl bad boy )

he whips his head around in quick search for the culprit

and for the second time that day, you found yourself looking in the dark brown eyes of the the one and only, seo changbin

his smile quickly disappearing once he found your eyes

putting on his helmet whilst still maintaining the eye contact, he quickly drove away and you can't help but continue to just watch his figure retreat to the size of a dot until he was completely away from your line of vision

the next day - friday

you were in the library, seated in the table changbin used the day before

unlike yesterday, you were there dummy early

exactly 30 minutes before the actual tutoring session

he wasn't going to get away this time

finally , the chair across from you gets occupied, a backpack loudly flopping its way unto the table

he doesn't say a word,

he doesn't even look at you

he just sits there, staring at the table between you guys

“uhm, i think we got on the wrong foot yesterday, im y/n”

you say, a wide smile on your face, trying to change the atmosphere

he scoffs at this

‘omyfuckinggod who does he think he is’

‘im gonna fucking murder this kid’

‘his mom was right when he said he needed to change’

as much as you wanted to just punch him in the face, you plastered a small smile on your face instead

“should we start?” you continue

“i guess”

for the next hour, you learn that changbin doesn’t even need tutoring

he was definitely smarter than he lead on

he knew the answer to every single question you asked and didnt even seem like he was trying 

“uhmm, changbin can i ask you something?”

he just nods at you, urging you to go on

“are you failing your class on purpose?”

and with that he stands up, giving you a small smirk, “i think this session is over,”

“i-okay- i-i’ll see you on monday!” you say even though he was already a good 5 feet away from you  

-----------

as you laid in your bed that night, you wondered why the boy chose to fail his class

but no matter what scenario you could think of, you just cant understand it

is this what privileged people do ?

they know that they can get away with anything so they dont even try ?

‘aish, why am i thinking about him,’

‘y/n stop it’

‘ahhhhh’

you tried forcing yourself to sleep, to completely shut off all thoughts

but damn that stupid smirk on his face just keeps reappearing

and with that you slapped your pillow unto your face, not at all excited for the days to come

saturday night - 9 pm

to be honest, you weren't the type to go out on a saturday night

however you stayed in bed the whole day binging your netflix shows that you completely forgot to run your errands

so now you're here, at the local supermarket, buying your weekly groceries

you may be asking why can't your parents just do it?

well,,,

you only live with your mom, and she was very busy running the night shift at the hospital + picking up extra shifts

so she's really never home 

and when she is, she crashes right to sleep, exhausted from work

so ever since two years ago, when you turned 16, this has been the life that you were used to

you weren't complaining of course, she was only working to provide for you and your future

the least you could do is help around the house

after a good 7 minutes, you finally gathered everything that you needed

eggs, check

bread, check

peanut butter, check

a bag of hot cheetos,,,, check check and check

you nodded, proud of yourself for finishing it so fast and made your way to your car until a loud crash stops you from doing so

the next thing you know, you were being dragged into the alleyway

“1!!!!1111! I- get off of me,” you say thrashing and kicking, trying to get away

‘oh god, im gonna die tonight,’

‘if there is a god out there,, pls,,, not tonight’

‘i haven't finished my netflix series yet,, plssss’

however your thoughts were cut short when your captor whispered, “shhh, its changbin”

changbin??

chaNgbIN???

chANGBIN???

he finally turns you around, making you face him

“play along if you don't want to get hurt,”

and in one quick motion, his lips were on yours,,,

seo changbin was kissing you

your eyes open, stunned at what was happening

and then you noticed it...5 men walking around the area

and hoping that you've watched the right dramas, you pieced together what you think is happening

leading you to closing your eyes and kissing him back

which honestly caught changbin off guard, “good girls” dont react this way???

but he’d never let you know that, as he pulled you closer to him,

his arms snaking  around your waist

your hands going around his neck, the grocery bag being forgotten

yall were full on making out now

too caught up with each other’s taste to even notice the 5 guys leaving

(((im really bad at writing these kinds of scenes jfc, this sounds awkward as hell pls just picture it)))

until finally after like 23823 years, you pulled away, trying to catch your breath

damn, that kiss was good

probably the best one you’ve ever had

what????

just cause you're a goody-two-shoes doesn't mean you haven't been kissed before okay,,, were not going THAT cliche

he slowly lets go of you, his eyes darting to the grocery bag on the ground

“your eggs are broken,” he says

“m-my eggs?”, you reply, still on cloud nine,

following his gaze, you snapped out of your daze

“oh, r-right, my eggs,” you say softly, a frown making its way upon your face

changbin grabs your hand, pulling you towards the grocery store

“what are you doing?”

as usual, he doesn’t reply

honestly, you should be used to this by now

he dashes around the supermarket

you were right behind him, trying to keep up with his fast paced speed

finally, he gets to his location, the egg aisle

“which one do you want?”

“what?”

“eggs, which one?” he replies

“uhm, you don't have to, i can ju-”

“i'm not doing this for you,” he replies, cutting you off

you looked at him , not knowing what he meant

‘if he wasn't doing it for me then who the fuck is he buying these eggs for, i don't see anyone else here’

sensing your dumbness he grabbed a carton of the most expensive eggs and made his way to the cashier, pulling you along  

and you don't know why, or what has gotten into you, but all you could do was watch and follow

“here. were even now.” he says, before walking away, leaving you in front of the grocery store, holding a carton of eggs

monday

and now we’re back to the start of the week

which means another week of tutoring

as you waited for changbin to show up at the usual spot, you can’t help but think back to two nights ago

the feeling of his lips against yours all a distant memory yet at the same time, one that you could still remember clearly

“hey,” changbin says, breaking you out of your thoughts

“hi?” you reply, confused as to why he even greeted you in the first place

you guys do the usual, read a couple of flash cards, learn new words blah blah blah and all that boring crap that you learn in a high school English class

at one point you guys find yourself just sat in silence, and you can’t help but ask the question that’s been on your mind since Saturday night

“so who were those guys?”

“doesn’t concern you”

“uhm, the fact that you had your tongue down my mouth says otherwise,”

changbin was shocked, he wasn’t used to people responding to him the way you just did

don’t you know who he is???

he gives you one of his signature smirks, regaining his composure

“you liked my tongue being down your throat,” he says teasingly

o_O

＜(。_。)＞

excuse me what

is he flirting with you ??

what’s happening ??

“who said I did?” you say mimicking his tone, not allowing yourself to back down of this conversation

after Saturday night you told yourself that you were never going to just watch and follow

if you didn’t want the damn egg, you should’ve said something, you were so disappointed in yourself

you had your own brain, you can make your own decisions

besides you were here to be in control over him, not the other way around

“oh cmon, you’re really gonna try to refute it??” he says, the stupid smirk still evident on his stupid face

god, how you wish you could just smack it off

with your mouth

wait, who said that???

“you enjoyed it just as much as I did,” you say, knowing that if you answer then he would stop

and you were right, he completely shut his mouth and let the silence envelop you once again

“they were kids from another school,”

you look up at him, shocked that he actually answered

“why were they looking for you?”

“I may have keyed their car,” he says chuckling

“Because?”

“Isn’t that enough questions y/n?”

y/n

that was the first time he’s ever said your name

and you weren’t gonna lie, you liked how it sounded

“sorry”

“it’s fine”

“i don’t want to question it but why are you being so nice?”

“you helped me out without questioning me which means you trust me. im just returning the favor.”

“so, what im hearing is , you trust me?”

<(￣︶￣)>

“don’t make me have to say it out loud”

trust

you don’t know how you did it so quickly,

maybe the gods are at your side, but you finally got thE seo changbin to trust you

2  weeks later

you’ve been tutoring changbin just the same

same time

same table

same library

however, so much has changed

mostly the dynamic of your guys’ relationship

it was like he was a totally different person

like I said before, changbin was smart

but in these last couple of days, you realized just how smart he actually was,

he can honestly probably give you a run for your money

and because of this, your past tutoring sessions have ended up with you guys just laughing and joking around

weird, right ?

changbin and laughing ?

who would’ve thought ??

even onlookers were surprised

and everytime changbin laughed at one of your guys’ silly antics, you swear you can hear a pin drop

the whole room just becomes silent

at first, it bothered you how people were just listening in to your conversation, obviously judging the scene

but as the days went by and it seemed that changbin could care less, you started not caring either

and if you were being completely honest, you looked forward to spending time with him

when changbin was with you, it was just you and changbin, nothing else

he somehow manages to make you forget about reality

“lets ditch tutoring sessions today,” he says as soon as he took the seat next to you

“changbin, no”

“c’mon y/n, live a little”

“excuse you! I do have a life!”

“making out with your homework and watching Netflix shows 24/7 is not a life”

“okAy, now you’re just being mean,” you say, pouting at him

“im not being mean, I’m being honest,”

“yeAH and?? no one asked for your honesty,”

changbin laughs at this

lately he found himself laughing more

and for once, he didn’t mind it

you were doing something to him

and he liked it

“cmon, I’m not taking no for an answer,” he says, packing up your things

you sigh in defeat

you know that once changbin sets his mind to something, there's no changing it

so here you are, standing in front of an abandoned music building

“uhhhh, what are we doing here?”

“have you ever trespassed before?” he replies, a smug smile on his face

“nu-uh nope, no way in hell changbin!” you say, your attempt to stop this from happening

however, changbin was already making his way towards the door, completely breaking the lock

aannnndd

he was inside  

“c’mon y/n,” he says reaching out his hand to yours

even though all you need to do is take two steps forward and you're officially a criminal

you were scared shitless

what happens if you get caught omg

almost like he was reading your mind, he quickly says, “y/n, ive been here over a million times and ive never gotten caught,”

“i dont know changbin”

“hm, thats too bad, i wanted to share a secret with you,” he says, a hint of playfulness in his voice before he stepped out of the building and made his way towards his motorcycle

but of course,,,

you being a nosy bitch

“wait,”

“yes?”

“lets go inside”

you guys enter the building, the rooms getting darker and darker the deeper you go (this building is huge okAY)

if you weren't shitting your pants before, you definitely are now 

an abandoned building???

and its dark???

youve seen this in every scary movie out there

it never goes well

“uhm changbin,” you whisper, as you guys continue to walk

“hm”

“i-um can i hold your hand? im scared and - actually you know what its fine its dumb you dont hav-”

but before you can even finish your sentence, his hand were already laced around yours, providing you the comfort and security that you were looking for

you shut your mouth after that, just letting changbin lead the way

passing by so many rooms, each one looking the same as the other, it was starting to feel like a maze

however , changbin seemed to know exactly where to go

‘I guess he has been here over a million times’ you thought to yourself

“were here,” he says, opening the door and letting go of your hands as he reached out for the lights

not gonna lie, you were missing the way his hand felt around yours but thats not the time to think about that

“a music room?” you asked, clearly puzzled

“yeah, you might not know this about me but i can spit barsss,” he says, letting out chuckle

“eyE”

“you dont believe me huh”

“absolutely not”

“ok, watch this”

and with that he entered the recording booth, of course not after he pressed a bunch of buttons

honestly , you have no idea what he’s doing

but as soon as he put the headphones on

*cue any 3racha song because im too indecisive to choose one*

he was,,

indeed,,,

spitting bars

you could not believe your ears

who the fuck is this

you stood there, stunned at the fact the he was rapping about real shit and not something stupid and meaningless (rip wow, she is meaNinGFUL to me okAY)

after he finished rapping, the room was absolute silent

changbin felt dumb, he thought you were gonna praise him but there you were not uttering a single word,

he need you to say something ,anything,, hell, you can even laugh

he’d prefer anything over the silence  

he’s literally the ‘i just showed u my dick pls respond’ meme but its like ‘i showed u my talent pls validate me’

avoiding to make eye contact with you, he walks out of the recording booth

sitting on the couch against the wall, he finally breaks the silence

“so yeah, thats a song my friends and i wrote, its stupid-”

“its not stupid.” you say quickly

“oh?”

“since when where you into this?” you ask, curiosity filling your eyes, taking the seat right next to him

“what do you mean? music?? everyone’s into music y/n” changbin retorts, not wanting to go into detail

“hhhh, you know what i mean changbin,”

changbin doesnt know why

but he wanted to share this side of him with you

maybe because you were the first person that he has ever allowed himself to be close with

or maybe it was because you stuck around him for this long, no one, besides chan and jisung were able to do that

whatever it was, he wants to keep you by his side

he figured that showing you his true self would do just that

so after having a battle with his inner thoughts, he finally says

“my dad was really into this stuff, he taught me everything i know,” changbin beamed

“oh! thats really cool, do you still make music with him?” you say, genuinely interested, youve never really heard about his dad before

“uhmm, hes not really around for me to do that,”

aaaannd,,, thats why,, god reader smh

“oh, im sorry,” you say softly, mentally slapping yourself

“no its okay, you didnt know….he passed away when i was 11”

“what happened?,,,, y-you dont have to tell me if you dont want to,” you quickly added

“I want to,” changbin says, reassuring you

“he just,,, he just died in his sleep, apparently it was a stroke,” sighing, he looked up at the ceiling, trying to hold back his tears

“you must miss him,” you say, your voice still soft

for the first time since youve met changbin, he resembled a piece of glass

so fragile

he was giving you a piece of him, letting you see clearly a part of who he was

and all you wanna do is make sure that you won’t break that piece

“he built this studio...wanted to start his own music company,” he continued as you sat there just listening to him

“my mom hates it though, she stopped funding this place as soon as she can,”

oh

the mention of his mom suddenly brought you back to the deal that you have made 2 weeks ago

and god, you felt guilty

you were here, trying to change him, when nothing should be changed

sure seo changbin had a bad reputation but he is not bad

he’s just protective is all

to be honest, he was one of the kindest, gentlest soul you have met

“i promised myself that i would continue our dream, for him and me, but mostly for him,”

“i-is that why youre failing your classes?” you ask, everything finally piecing together

“huh?”

“you dont care about school because you already know what you want to do...where you want to be”

“hm, you truly are a smart girl y/n,” he says before nodding and flashing you a smile

those words

so similar to the ones his mom has given you

but this time you weren't in the mood to pat yourself in the back

because shit, this is thE dumbest thing you've ever done in your life

after hearing this, you made up your mind, you werent gonna partake in this deal anymore

if you were really as smart as everyone says, you can get into the school you want without any problem

sure it won't be free, but your mom aint working her ass off during her nightly shifts for nothing

and so, right when you go to school tomorrow, you were determined to end it

you’d still tutor changbin, you just won't accept any of the perks that came along with it

“thank you for sharing this with me,” you say genuinely, a smile creeping unto your face

“thank you for caring enough to listen,” changbin replies, his smile getting wider

and then it hits you,

“wait, so you mean to tell me that this is YOUR studio all along??”

and at this changbin lets out the loudest laugh

and you can't help but mirror his actions

1 week later

oof, that time jump, i thought you were gonna end it the next day reader

welp,,

you work hard, but somehow satan, aka the author, works harder

Mrs. Seo had to leave for two weeks, attending board meetings around the country, and whatever principals do,,, i'm too lazy to research what they actually do  

╥﹏╥

and so you spent another week, with seo changbin by your side

one week down, another to go

and when that day comes, you can finally freely hang out with him without all the guilt eating you up

this week you guys even hung out outside of the library

you’ve been with him so much, even your friends have started to notice it

“y/n, are you coming with us to the movies,” felix asks

“oh,, umm sorry guys, i cant,”

“who else are you gonna be with? i thought we were your only friends,” minho pointed out, a pout on his face  

“with changbin of course,” hyunjin hissed, obviously upset that you have been pushing them to the side  

“ i can hang out with anyone that i want,” you argued, really not having any of his attitude 

“ you shouldnt hang out with people like him,” hyunjin retorted

you scoffed, “what’s that supposed to mean?”

“i mean blink once if youre being held captive” hyunjin joked, as the rest of the table snickered

however, you didn't find it funny,

who were they to talk about changbin like that??

they didnt even know him

and so you stood up, leaving all your friends calling out for you

-------------

walking to the table, you flopped down on your chair, slamming your backpack on the floor

“what's got you in such a bad mood?” changbin asks

“nothing,” you huffed, getting your materials out of your backpack

you didn't want to tell changbin that your best friends think hes the devil himself and didn't want you around him

meanwhile , changbin was annoyed

it seems like he's shared so much with you since the music room yet he still barely knows anything about you

he wondered that maybe you didn't want to be in his life the way he wanted to be in yours

but fuck it, he’s just gonna spend the time he has with you enjoying it rather than filling his mind with negative thoughts

but damn, you're frown was really bothering him

“y/n,” he says, calling out to you

no response

“y/n,” he continues, poking you on the elbow

still no response

“y/n”

You sigh, looking up at him, an emotionless expression on your face, you responded with a strong, “what.”

*insert changbin doing aegyo*

and with that , you lost it

you were an absolute madman

you never expected that the one and only seo changbin

notorious badboy

would ever do aegyo

all because you had a stupid frown on yourself

you laughed so loud

changbin doing the same as soon as your melodic laugh hit his ears

which resulted to you guys being kicked out of the library

-------------

“ i cant believe you got me kicked out of my favorite place,” you say, seated in a booth inside the ice cream parlor near your guys’ school

another one of changbins ideas

“ hey its not my fault you laugh like a hyena!” he says smiling before you threw a curled up paper tissue at his face

a couple of seconds later, after your laughter has died down

“ so, you want to tell me now why you were in such a sour mood?”

you knew that if you werent gonna tell him now that would still end up finding out about it from someone else

and so you came clean

“ its just my friends,,,, they dont think youre a good influence, wants me to stop hanging out with you” you say

“ oh,”

“ but dont worry!, i didnt listen to them, i actually told them off,” you confessed

“ why didnt you listen to them? theyve been your friends longer than youve known me?” he asks

“ because they dont know you” you reply, “and im sure if they did, they would also be friends with you”

as much as he appreciated the way you stood up for him, he didnt want you going through all that trouble 

‘god, what did he even do to deserve an angel like you,’ changbin thinks to himself 

“ don't tell them off next time,” he grunted

“ wh-what?”

“ everything they say about me is true”

“ changbin, no its not”

“ honestly y/n it doesnt bother me so dont let it bother you”

“ why doesnt it bother you?” you ask, wanting to know the reason

“ because its high school. after this, literally no one would care anymore. and then real life starts, people move on and worry about bigger things, things that actually matter more than the status quo. let them say what they say.”

and just like every other time, changbin has left you stunned

the arrival of Ms. Seo - tuesday 

a week has passed since the ice cream parlor

and Ms. Seo was back in town

this was it

the day you finally put a halt to it

and you were beyond ready

you haven't seen changbin all day

you figured that since his mom was back then he was also back to avoiding the school like it was a plague

you entered Ms. Seos room, determined

“Ms. Seo -”

She puts a hand up to her lips, signaling you to be quiet

‘bitch omygod i literally cant keep doing this any longer,’

‘its already been over a month’

so you ignored her warning

“im not doing this deal anymore. I’ll still tutor changbin but I won’t change him,,,, and you can keep your stupid money,” you let out, releasing all the bottled up emotions

“is that all,”she replies

“yes”

“then you may leave”

what???

it was that easy????

you thought she was gonna stop you, force you to hold your end of the bargain

if you knew it would’ve been this easy then you wouldn’t have worried over it so much

but you don’t know a lot of things

and you certainly didnt know that changbin was on the other line

later that day

you’re seated in the library

usual place, usual time, waiting for the one and only seo changbin, yet he never showed

you didn’t think much of it

‘maybe he just forgot’ you tell yourself

the next day - wednesday

here you were again, waiting for him

still nothing

you try and think of reasons why he wouldn’t show up two days in a row and can really only think of one - maybe his mom told him that he didn’t need tutoring anymore?

but surely, he would tell you

right ???

sure you guys started off on the wrong foot but you were friends now

at least you thought so

you decided to just give him the benefit of the doubt

‘maybe he’s just busy’

2 days later - friday

you’ve tried everything you can do to get a hold of changbin

all your calls went straight to voicemail

texts were left on delivered

you didn’t even see him around school anymore

it was like your worlds never collided and he was never a part of yours

you were starting to get worried, what if he got himself into trouble

“look who decided to show her face,” hyunjin comments as you took the seat next to him

ever since the day you guys had your argument, you have never been able to talk to him about it

“im not in the mood,” you reply,

hyunjin sensing that you were exhausted,

“hey,” he says softly, “what’s wrong?”

“nothing”

“y/n please, we’ve been friends for over 3 years, you don’t need to lie to me”

“aren’t you mad at me?”

“no. im upset that you’ve been pushing us to the side for your little boy toy but im not mad,” he says giving you a soft smile

hhhhh, it was times like these you remember why he was your best friend

hyunjin was just so thoughtful, so caring

you return the smile he gave you as you pulled him in for a tight hug

“I’m sorry hyunjin”

“it’s okay, im sorry too, now tell me what’s wrong?”

“it’s just changbin-“

“I swear to god, if he even laid a finger on you he’s a dead man”

“no!” you say quickly putting an end to his assumption

“so what happened?” he asks, eyebrows going up in sheer curiosity

and then you told him

you told him about the deal with Ms. seo

about how your relationship with changbin changed along the way

how you ended the deal

and now we’re back to changbin and ignoring you

“damn, well have you tried actually going to him?”

“i wouldnt even know where -”

and then it hits you

the abandoned music building

“hyunjin, youre a genius!!!,” you say excitedly

“thanks, we been knew”

“ i have to go ill explain later, bye!!” you say, dashing out of there as fast as you could and made your way to the abandoned building

taking the bus there gave you time to reflect on everything that has happened this past couple month

how much your life has changed since changbin entered it

he pushed you to take risks, to live out of your comfort zone, to not care about other people’s opinions

he made you feel free

and most importantly, he made you happy

the good girl has fallen for the bad boy, i told yall this was gonna be cliche right?

continuing on

just as you  expected, the door was open

the dark didnt even bother you anymore, the only thing in your mind was changbin

oh,, where could he be??

could you ever find your way into this maze of a building and retrace the steps that he took when he was by your side?

as you got deeper and deeper into the building, you feel yourself start to get lost

‘fuck i already saw this door’

‘omg y/n did you really just walk in a circle’

and then you hear it

music, singing

your nightingale

you walk faster, desperate to get to the voice

and here you are now, face to face with the one and only, seo changbin

he stops singing as soon as he saw you walk in

“hey,” you whisper out yet he continued to just stand there, not uttering a single word

“your voice is really pretty, i didnt know you could sing!-”

“what do you want?” his voice, dark and firm just like the day you first met him

This caught you off guard

Did you do something wrong?

“Did i do something wrong?” you say, not aware that you have said your thoughts out loud

changbin chuckles but it was so uninviting, like he was taunting you

“ please, drop the act”

?????

“what?” you reply, completely confused

“ you dont like me ”

“ changbin, what?”

“ you're just like everyone else”

“ changbin i really dont understand pl-”

“ i shouldn't have trusted you.”

“ what?!??, no changbin, you can trust me! just tell me whats wrong!”

all the while, you guys were still talking with a glass between the two of you

ironic, since you felt like a wall has been planted around changbin and you cant reach him  

“ you think i should change”

“ no”

“ what do you mean no? I heard you y/n! I heard what you told my mom, i heard about the stupid deal, the stupid money!”

(⊙…⊙,)

“ changbin, let me explain”

“ i know im known as the bad boy y/n, but you… youre even worse than me”

“ changbin.”

“ youre a monster”

and with hearing those words, the tears that you have been so desperately trying to keep just bursted out like a waterfall

changbin too, has let out his tears

and all we got now are two broken people who can clearly see each other yet are still on opposite sides of the glass

“ you're just like everyone out there that you have resented, you judged me by other people’s words, i thought- i thought that i can finally found someone i could open up to but you never even gave me chance from the beginning”

you let him talk without interrupting him

you deserved the ache you were feeling in your heart

everything he said was true

and with that he breaks down, straight to the floor, back against the wall, hugging his knees

and all you could do was watch, until you couldn't take it anymore

you finally entered the recording booth , taking a seat on the floor right next to him, mimicking his broken figure

“im sorry”

silence

you looked up at the ceiling as you sighed

he deserves an explanation

“ yes, i took the deal, but that's because i thought i needed it changbin. I may be smart, but financially my family isn't doing well. my mom already works extra shifts but it still won't be enough. my dad isnt even in the picture, i dont know where the hell he is”

and with this, changbins head slowly perks up, looking at you with his glass-like eyes, as you continued to stare at the ceiling

you were finally opening up to him

just like how he has been doing

“ i took the deal because, you’re right, i judged you, i was stupid and i never expected us to actually be friends, clearly i was wrong. you have taught me so much. you have pushed me into doing things i never thought i could do. you made me see the world in a different way.”

he’s still just listening to you when you finally took your eyes away from the ceiling and faced him

“ i understand if you dont want to see me anymore but i cant leave you knowing that i never got to say this,” you continue, afraid of the results that were about to come

“ what else are you hiding from me?” he says, but this time, he says it softly, the furious changbin that you have encountered just minutes ago was completely gone

“ i think im in love with you,” you say, quickly looking down, embarrassed at your confession

“ y/n look at me,”

“ i dont want to”

“ why?”

“ i know you're gonna break my heart”

“ you broke mine first,” and with that he lifted your chin up, making you look him straight into his eyes before kissing you

this kiss was different from your first one

it was slow but passionate, filled with all of the unsaid words between the two of you

your guys lips both slightly chapped from all the crying

yet his lips still felt like the softest pair against yours

pulling away, changbin leans his forehead against yours, his eyes closed

yours were open though, taking the sight all in before you pulled away, wiping away his left over tears

“ god, were a mess,” he finally says out loud, before he pulled you in a tight hug 

“ im sorry,” you say again

“ i’ll forgive you if you promise to continue tutoring me?”

“ what ?”

“ continue the deal, get the money”

“ changbin, i really don't want to do that”

“ i know you dont. but we have to finesse my mom somehow,” he says, bursting into a smile, clearly joking

…

..

“eYE,,, i cannot believe you right now! You can't be serious!”

“ but i am. go back into her office tell her you’ll continue it and get the money for your education.”

“changbin! stop joking! I already feel bad about it!”

“Okay fine i just like it when you tutor me okay, its kinda sexy” he says

playfully slapping him, you guys laugh, the tension in the air finally gone

“ you know if you didnt buy me those eggs, we wouldnt be here by now,” you say, a small smile on your face

“ hmm, and why?”

“ because those eggs were the first time i realized that the most notorious bad boy, the one and only Seo Changbin, can also be soft,”

“ do not use my name and soft in the same sentence ever again,”

“ what are you gonna do about it?” you reply, taunting him

and so

he pulled you into another kiss

and another

and another

until a series of laughter coming from the both of you interrupted it

“im glad i bought you those eggs”

hhhhhhh this ending is so rushed and so bad i just didnt wanna leave it unfinished 

ALSO IM SEEING STRAY KIDS BITCHES!!!!!,,,,,, MY SEAT HELLA FAR BUTS ITS OKAY BECAUSE ILL STILL BE THERE ╭(′▽`)╭(′▽`)╯

#stray kids #stray kids au #stray kids x reader #stray kids x you #seo changbin #seo changbin au #seo changbin scenario #stray kids changbin #changbin #changbin au #stray kids imagine #stray kids scenarios #stray kids scenario #seo changbin x reader #seo changbin x you #stray kids soft #stray kids angst #stray kids fluff #seo changbin fluff #seo changbin angst #3racha #lee felix #lee minho #lee know #hwang hyunjin

[neuropathicgypsy]

So there's this guy who isn't so great...

So i saw a photo of him and I'd seen it before but this time i was thinking about some dark shit...

And I realized who he is...

It doesn't always happen that way... Actually... Like it was dark but not bad... Then what i remember was bad...

And so may be this girl was lying and it was the way it was initially with the memories about this guy... And maybe she did deserve her ass beat...

But their relationship wasn't as he wanted me to believe... Like it was more like how she said it was...

And may be 100% like she said... Like maybe it really does only take 20 minutes for an abortion. How would i know? I never had one... Or may be her mom was confused... About what time i dropped her off... Idk im trying to remember 10 years later and frankly i don't even care.

I washed my hands of both of them fully in 2008....

So now randomly he's popped back in my life... And completely random...

I didn't have a problem with him until he kept lying to me... Like for real lies like "I'm coming over" and he doesn't. Like that. Not like i think he's lying... Like its really obvious hes lying... Like its a fact.

Then i was all fuck this shit. And Matt happened to be with him and I waited like 8 hours and he did this huge song and dance and so i told Matt, punch him 5 times, at least 2x in the face.

So Matt did... Cause dam dude it was ridiculous. I already seen him and i already identified his alter ego but i was okay to over look it. Like it wasn't my relationship and it wasn't like it been 10 years since she had him arrested for beating her and i went with her to the court...

Yeah he definitely can't handle alcohol...

Like he would be cool at my house at first but as the night wore on... I would be like 2 hours later... Time for bed and make an excuse of life i had the next day instead of drinking and hanging out all night

He would be all "its nine o'clock!!" And i would be all "yeah Tom, sometimes we all have to grow up and admit responsibility"

Yeah sometimes he was a bitch... Like when i said anything with sense he would be all "i need to duct tape her mouth"

Or that one time he wanted to put me in my kitchen trash bin... I told him i didn't give a Fuck so he put it over my head and i told him to pick up the trash off my kitchen floor and he did then swept it and left a big pile in the floor...

But overall he was just his unique self that i kinda got used to...

Because his drama with my friend was between them -- unless my friend bitched about him later, like when we took the kids to the park, and i tried to help her figure him out.

Anyways so now i know my friend wasn't lying about him...

And i know other shit he did... Like to me...

Cause i actually knew him in Alabama, NYC, Texas, Oklahoma and now here... Like a stalker...

And so i am wondering... Should I tell him what i know? What i remember? The bad things?

Or should i just not?

I wonder if it will do any good... Like Why for put myself through his bull shit when i really just want to be left alone?

Do i want to remember?

No... I don't want to feel my ribs feeling like they're about to break or sharp pains on the side of my head -- the side closest to the wall in the bed so he could say i fell instead of it being on the side where he slept...

Like being drugged... So he can lie as to why he and my ex husband thought it was great to spike drinks.... Like ...

I don't care. I really don't.

He knows what he did and I just want him to go away. Obviously he isn't going to stop... Obviously he shouldn't be around the female human...

But what I'm just gonna pull evidence out his ass? My ass? Prove it?

I really don't think i can...

He already was sentenced 9 months for what he did to my friend.

May be he learned... Idk.

Obviously hes not going to come over and despite his recent meddling, people have come to their senses about him... Like he totally doesn't give a shit about me. Or them.

So obviously i left him when i was younger, between his father and mine, i got out of the house with him and he quickly moved on to "someone better" and he brought her over and the next one an the next cause he thought when i told the girls he beat me, i was jealous and trying to break them up...

When i was saying, I am so glad i left and I'm left alone 90% of the time and he isn't all up my ass bugging me and being weird and hitting me cause he had nothing else to do and no brain activity. And that it could happen to them, too. For no fucking reason.

It took a while, too for his dad to help me understand it wasn't me... Like he was just crazy... Stupid. Jealous. And dumb. Not too long but i did have to be taught that there's no difference between an abusive boyfriend or girlfriend or husband and an abusive parent or sibling. I always thought i really did something wrong

Now I know... I let him live and i was afraid of him and to let the "monster inside of me" out. And i was afraid I wouldn't win and i would die at his hands.

Now I'm not. Now I don't even care although I know for a fact he could probably break my neck in less than 10 seconds... Not because I'm suicidal or don't care about myself.

But because I do care about myself and I know that i can kick his ass. I know i don't have to and i know i can kick his ass soft enough that he behaves better and also that i can kick it so he never breathes again.

Because I'm angry. At what he did to me. Im angry that i believe without a doubt he would do it again if i didn't know all HIS male friends that would kick his ass, without a doubt until he quit bleeding.

Because I'm angryi have to feel the physical pain he did to me and i have to remember the bruises and the tears and the frustration and annoyance and knowledge that i wasn't loved.

Because I'm angry my fucking ribs hurt.

Idk that night he put on his act. I wanted him dead. Like i didn't care. I wanted to. I really did. I wanted to care about his life and his safety but I didn't. I hated him. With every cell of my being.

Matt said "i only punched him 2x in the face" i was all go back and hit him 10x in the face!!! Like it wasn't enough and i KNOW Matt did to to what he deserved not tappy tap tap.

I heard that over a week later, on Halloween, his face was still mangled... Like 6 broken noses and 5 black eyes... Like... Obviously he only has one nose and 2 eyes but there was enough damaged tissue for more.

I dont even feel bad... Like i still feel,it isn't enough. Because now i feel pain. And have since Halloween when the people he went to the carnival with left because i left. And haven't seen him since. Because they figured out thwt he was purposely keeping them from me, in line for the Haunted House for nearly 2 hours... I was not gonna stay..,

They could got out of line and sat with me at the fire they gave more logs for and rejoined him when he was near the front... It was cold where they were. They could even had taken turns in line.

It wasn't something i could do... I didn't even know they were there until after I left. All i was told was they would be about an hour... Which made no sense cause i thought they said they were already there... So what for an hour?

For the first time in forever it was just me and my kid for Halloween. We could done anything. My kid actually wanted to do the Haunted House... But didnt want to wait in the 36°F line for over an hour.

Its a good thing they left too, i got beat up in the Halloween Haunted House before, too.... Perfect place... Dark.. Scary... All perfect for "accidents" with no real person to take fault... Just accidents...

So really... I'm like part of me wants to tell him i know what he did...

But more i just want him to not exist.

And then another part of me still likes him and wishes he has grown up and realized he could be better than he allows himself to be. Part of me feels sorry for him.

I know he just wants to be loved and safe Just like we all do...

And I could love him as a friend as I had in the past... Knowing hes not been trustworthy in the past makes it easier to protect myself.

I handled him quite pperfectly 11 years ago... Until my ex husband I was married to then, started encou stupid and dangerous and evil entertainment.

I still don't understand the point to drug someone to have sex with them. Like dude. You're saying you're not good enough to be liked with a person sober and woke and living normal.

So that says a lot about a person... That they have no confidence or true love for themselves.

I been for real single in my house for 10 years...having only long distance relationships. I dont feel the need to drug someone to allow them to like me. They either do or they don't.

Im curious as to why they dont but i dont care. Some people just do not get along with others. Its that simple. I don't like plenty of people and to have to explain myself or be pushed around because of it totally pisses me off. I don't like you, simple as that and I'll hate you before I love you.

I see the most problem with criminals is they dont love themselves but usually demand others to while not believing others do... So they beat them.

Its really really sad. Its horrible. How they can't break that barrier to love just themselves. And then turn themselves into unlovable trash that they shouldn't be.

So at the end of the day, if you don't want to be loved. Then i won't love you.

Its the most difficult lesson a person can learn and its the most saddest and heartbreaking. But also the strongest making, most wisdom learning lesson.

And so I can turn off my feelings, my warmth, my caring for someone whom asks me to. Most especially someone whom has or would try to beat it into me.

Life is: Survival of the Fittest, is it not?

If you cannot love yourself, cherish yourself enough to take risks then you cannot survive.

If you cannot believe you are loveable then your actions will cause you to not be loveable.

But yet people like Jesse James and "Tom" don't have a problem with being greedy and asking for more and more and more. Like vampires with empty souls sucking down unicorn blood in the forest like they want to live on a page of a Harry Potter novel.

And so my question is, do i tell him what i know he did to Me? Or does he just want to relish in the delight of what he got away with so that He can devise ways to lie to make me some sort of pawn in his life, someone to use?

Why waste my time?

Friday in about 15 seconds i lost my child support check... While looking for it lost another check for $2.40...Then at the bank moments later literally $5 disappeared from ny hands.

Then the next day i had taken off my shoes in the Wal-Mart wheel chair shopping cart... While wheeling around... Lost my dam shoe.

I didn't even bother to look for it.

And my cat was kidnapped... Then i sent someone to fetch him... "Tom" let him get kidnapped again... Then he got fetched again.... And i have yet to see him... So im like what the fuck? Its been over a week... I tried Thursday night to go ask the neighbors but all the gates were locked...

Then i got this like flue feeling thing where i want to puke all day and all these body aches and I just want to sleep.

And Every thing is pissing me off...

And know why? Cause this curse if u dont acknowledge the dead on Halloween with a fuckking Hello then i get all this bad luck. Happens every time.like excuse me ass holes i deal with you 300 days a year and i can't have one with my kid?!

Its absolutely ridiculous

So id much rather sleep then to decide to care about someone whom has shown they do not care about me.

But is it wrong?

Should I tell him all those hits and attempts at giving me amnesia were temporary and i know exactly who he is and that he's still lying and that I know he was all trying to marry my friend then still get with me?

His dad says that he knew hitting me made me leave so that's why he hit my friend. And his dad says that she wasn't pregnant and that same as at my house it was more all over him than him on her... Unlike when he was with me

And i know i still have a lot of memories that don't fit right that are messed up.

But I know exactly what happened between Sara and Tom according to Sara's words to me. Because that part of my memories have never been affected. Even if i was drinking... Because i didn't drink a lot because i get migraines if i do. Mostly wine coolers or rum and juice...

Plus there was two adult sized male idiots, a seemingly whore type person and then 3 children 2 under the age of 5. So obviously someone who wasn't stumbling and posing a threat to the kids by falling over on themselves had to be present.

I just got drunk enough... So that i really didnt give a shit about all the stupidity I saw in the adults around me. And could say shit like "you know Sara, sometimes you're really dumb. Hes told you like 40 times to get off him and you're still on him So when tomorrow you're all black and blue and he says you tripped going down the stairs and i saw you walk down them just fine, I'm not really gonna care. I mean its not like he told you or anything. 46 times"

But while sober... I would worry why he was so mean to his girlfriend. Why she would always be rejected by him. And why she would allow herself to be treated so horrible. If my friend told me always to get off them, i would feel sad. Sometimes I have had to tell my kid not to touch or lean on me because i have pain... But i try to adjust so that they can... As i have a lot of numb spots next to highly painful areas.

But between Tom and Sara... I felt it was weird,volatile and and dangerous. And they shouldn't be together.

I even asked him once cause Sara would go inside with my ex a lot... Hmmm.. Idc.

"Why don't you like Sara to touch you?" And his face would be red.

And i would say " okay so then when do you like Sara to touch you?" Cause then i would tell her So she could get her affection...

And it was always difficult to get him to talk about himself.. Until for two nights I didn't talk to him and when we we're alone after he kicked me under the table most of the night, all angry in my face why i wouldn't talk to him...

"Oh why because you called me duct tape for 6 months telling me not to talk to you. And then when I did or have tried to "get close to you" as i would a friend, you just sit there all dopey and smile and don't even answer a question i ask you"

You know then sara comes out and says i said he was on dope.

And she denies it...and I'm tired of her being oblivious to every dam thing on the fucking planet. And i straight out accuse them both of being on meth...

And so while trying to faceplant herself on his Dick shes all "we should leave"

So then i throw them out and they both refuse to move. What. The. Fuck.

He claims hes afraid to leave cause she is all dopey on his Dick.... And hes all shes gonna rape m3 and all tries to,hide behind me,touching my body to use me as a shield and tries to jump over the railing of my porch!!! But acts like hes afraid to and asks my permission like 14 times. Dude you're a grown ass man why the fuck are you asking that's dumb. We were on the lower level anyway. Literally 4 steps, including the top.

It always seemed that stupid and annoying.

So i really didn't care when he went to jail, sentenced for 14 months and got out in 9..

Or when on New Year's Eve, i took her and her kids Christmas presents and she hadnt got any of us anything... And I had bought and took her cigarettes and she didn't want to share when i ran out... Or when I said we needed to leave because my kid wanted to go home and she told me that I was being a bad friend because I'm a good mom... Because I was going to leave... Then we went to the bonfire which my kid liked and so Sara said if i wanted to smoke her Winstons... Then i had to go get them and she threw them .... Because she was jealous all her neighbors were talking and laughing with me because i actually do know how to socialize.

And i quit being friends with her that night.

Left .... And every time she text me after i just told her to shut up and fuck my husband....but she didn't know because shes so sef absorbed that 2 months prior I told him i wanted a divorce.

On Thanksgiving.

In front of my uncle....

And so... Still... Should I tell him I think he's a complete ass hole with something to hide or a chicken shit that is making it look like he does.... And allow him to explain himself or not...

Because I a fucking tired of him trying to get into my brain. Hes all hiding. I'm not.

I heard in 4 months he hit me 15 occasions... I used the calculator and it was once every 8 days. I was 16. He was 23.

That enough makes me want to not talk to him. But i also don't want him to be all well that's your fault Sabrina. And blame me all kinds because I gave him a chance. I gave him a 100% chance.

Then when he blew me off more than once,including in DM.. I was all forget you then.... But then when I said i didn't want to fuck him, he lost his Goddam mind. Like dude... So yeah... When were we ever going to anyways when you can't even drive to someone's house? Or set up a date and actually go to it? It was So irrational the way he reacted. What? I'm a cum bucket? Like what he's gonna random run into me at Wal-Mart an pound me from behind in the family bathroom while i hold onto the toilet seat??

Seriously. Hes not rational

So I'm like to tell him what I've been told by th3 dead and what i remember... Its just a waste of effort, isn't it?

[thehyperkraken]

EDIT: yall idk why the actual fic isnt showing up in the tags but this shit is, bc thats literally the opposite of what i wanted, but for the love of god read the fic first and/or instead, that’s the thing i spent more than 20 minutes on: [link]

Hey random idea dump for that one fic i done did yeehaw... it’s almost longer than the fic itself but jesus christ i need to get these ideas out of my head and throw them into the internet ether, seriously don’t read this its a goddamn mess

So ghjkdf the actual plotty part of that fic came from that one b99 bit... the Bone one.....u kno

Arthur: Come on, Dutch. The O'Driscolls thing isn't the problem. You're in a bad mood because you've been so busy planning this heist that it's keeping you and Hosea apart. You two just need to bone. John: Oh no... Dutch: ...What did you say? John: Don't say it again! Arthur: I said you two need to bone. John: Oh my god... Dutch: (with barely contained fury) Hhhhhow Dare you Arthur Morgan, I am thIS GANG'S LEADER!!! You have NO RIGHT to comment on my sex life— (5 minutes later) Dutch, standing on top of a table screaming: BONE?!?!?! (10 minutes later) Dutch: What happens in my bedroom, son, is NONE of your business— (20 minutes later) Dutch, jumping up and down on the table: BOOOOOOONE!!!!!!!!! (40 minutes later) Dutch: And don't EVER speak to me like that AGAIN! (storms off) John, sunken down in his chair in horror: Why the hell did you do that? Arthur: (shrugs) They need to bone. John: Gross, Arthur! That's our dads!

And then like a day later gfdhkg

John: Oh hey Dutch! I know you don't want to talk about Hosea, BUT, I had an idea— Dutch: No need, John, it's all good. John: So... your fight with Hosea is over? Dutch: Yep. John: Because you finally figured out a plan for the heist...? Dutch: Nope! Arthur, excitedly: Because you guys—? Dutch: Yyyyep! Arthur, looking smug: Knew it. John: Ugh... Arthur: (leans down close to him) See, what happened is, our dads had sex— John: UGH, SHUT UP!

Another inspiration I had was John Mulaney’s bit about zoning out for John with adhd,,,,, the part where he’s like “the doctor was reading me the results of a blood test, it was IMPORTANT that I LISTENED, but NO, I zoned out, I was like, I’m just gonna stare at the wall and think m’thoughts” that’s why I wrote the part where John was like “ehhh attention deficient something something disease” bc it made me laugh gjhggdjh

Dutch: so the doctor says you have ADHD John: (thinking about minecraft) what?

Also unrelated but blease consider Arthur teaching John to drive like

Arthur: are you watching the road? John: ........I am looking through the windshield Arthur: John: .......and I’m not gonna hit anyone...... Arthur: John: ....but no. I’m thinkin’ about minecraft

(Also I don’t know anything about ssb I’ve played it once and hated it, minecraft is my og video game love, but Abigail beating John at ssb is funnier, I’m a fake gamer boy :^( rip)

ONE MORE INSPIRATION THAT ONE VINE ITS MY FAVORITE VINE

Arthur: are you drinking coke for breakfast? John: yeah, what did you have for breakfast? Arthur: ........nothing John: (sipping his drink) I’m doing better than you, then

Anyway onto ACTUAL IDEA STUFF HOORAY

So when Dutch and Hosea decided to adopt, they agreed they wanted to take in kids who needed good homes the most, so they were specifically looking for older kids who would probably age out of the system and wind up on the streets

They met Arthur who was a clearly depressed and gender non conforming thirteen year old who hated everyone and everything and wasn’t getting the Love he Deserved, and Dutch was like “I want THAT ONE, with the SAD EYES”

Arthur tried to push them away at first, cuz he absolutely didn’t trust anyone, and some part of him believed they’d just give him right back up for adoption if he disappointed them in any way. But he eventually learned that they were good guys who really just wanted to help him, and they weren’t gonna abandon him if he wasn’t the perfect kid they always wanted

(he probably told them about this fear eventually and Hosea just snorted and was like “if we wanted a perfect kid we woulda got a cabbage patch doll. something that wouldn’t scream or make a mess” and Dutch was like “yeah! or like a 27 year old with a job and their own house and kids of their own. pre-made grandkids” and Hosea was like “or a cat” and Arthur was like “...okay”)

Anyway it took a loooong time but Arthur eventually trusted them enough to come out to them as trans, without really knowing the proper words for everything, just knowing that He Is A Boy And That’s That. As much as Hosea is the one the lads go to to talk about stuff and get comfort and Wise Dad Advice, he probably told Dutch first bc he was more uncertain how he’d respond and he wanted to get it over with in the worst way possible.... like, if they were gonna react badly, heap all the bullshit on in one fell swoop

I imagine he did it off the cuff too, in response to something Dutch said, like Dutch was like “u get back here right now young lady” and Arthur was like “first of all I’m not a lady, I’m a BOY, and second of all FUCK you, I do what I WANT” and Dutch was like “groovy. you’re grounded.” Arthur was like (offended) “don’t say groovy... don’t try to be hip” and Dutch was like “no it’s totally tubular that ur a boy. It’s absolutely funky. You’re fucking grounded though”

Then he went and told Hosea like “congrats! it’s a boy” and they helped him transition and they didn’t tolerate a single person misgendering him the whole time. Like before he’s even begun transitioning, they’re literally at the doctors office to discuss it w/ their doc for the first time, and a nurse is like “ms. morgan?” And Dutch is like “INCORRECT” and the doctor is like “what seems to be the problem (deadname)?” and Dutch is like “FOOL! THIS CHILD WAS LABELED INACCURATELY, WE REQUIRE A GENDER RETRACTION” and Hosea’s like “please stop yelling”

Anyway probably about a year later they got John when he was ten and Arthur was fifteen. Arthur was a little bit jealous like, wow, am I not enough kid for u, but Dutch and Hosea always planned on getting at least two bc they wanted them to have siblings, and they know John came from a pretty abusive situation, so Arthur can’t be too mad at him. At least until he met John and realized what a fucking brat he is

Since John was younger and way more desperate for affection, he immediately loved Dutch and Hosea just bc they were nice to him, he was ready to call them his dads within the month but he was nervous that it was too soon and they’d be weirded out. But I imagine he got triggered by something and had a meltdown and they got to see just a glimpse of what he’d been through, and Dutch and Hosea were falling over themselves trying to comfort him and tell him they love him and now I’m making myself cry :’^(

Anyway... from that point on John was like “these are the only dads I’ve ever had and I would kill a man for them.” He gets in trouble quite a bit bc he’s Naughty, but Dutch and Hosea always make sure to punish him fairly and never yell or be physically intimidating with him or permanently take away his stuff, like they make him do chores to earn back the right to use the xbox or something. And they always explain to him exactly what he did wrong and why he’s being punished and talk to him about how he can make it better or what he can do next time, or if there’s a root problem, like he’s acting out bc he’s overwhelmed with school work or smthn, how they can help him. Especially after he gets diagnosed with ADHD

And of course they do all this with Arthur too, but they make a special concerted effort with John bc he’s The Baby :^) and Dutch somehow maintains an attitude of “idk what ur talking about, John has never done anything wrong ever in his life” every time he gets in trouble meanwhile Hosea is like “what do you MEAN, he’s a GREMLIN” fjfjfhhf

Arthur was probably diagnosed with depression and anxiety at some point... it was probably a long process to get him to even admit he had a problem bc he didnt wanna bother anyone... Arthur also probably came from an abusive situation from the way canon Arthur talks about his dad, but Arthur is much more the type to be like “i’m gonna keep all my feelings inside, and then one day, i’ll die” whereas John is like “i will SCREAM if i get a papercut”

[EDIT: i woke up in a cold sweat at 4 AM with this in my head so now i’m putting it here

Charles: So, Arthur... Do you wanna talk about your feelings? Arthur: No. John: I do! :) Charles: ...I know, John. John: I’m sad! :) Charles: I know, John.

i’m sure it’s been done before but it’s so good. ok now back to our regularly scheduled programming]

In regards to Arthur being trans, John doesn’t really Get It, Arthur tried to explain it to him once and John couldn’t care less, all he knows is Arthur used to be a girl or something, there’s tea involved probably, and John is thinking about minecraft again... he has 2 am thoughts about it sometimes and comes to Arthur like “what IS gender” and Arthur’s just like “hm. big mood”

Dutch is “Dad” and Hosea is “Papa” or “Pa” or “Pops” or “Dad, No Not You, The Other One” or “Other Dad.” Hosea really doesn’t mind at all, he wouldn’t care if the kids called him Hosea or mom or anything else, it truly isnt important to him. But Dutch Loves being Dad. Every time they call Dutch Dad he grows three times stronger and 10 years are added to his lifespan. Dutch is an Alpha Parent, he 100% goes to every parent teacher conference and bake sale, he’d go to every game and concert too if either of his kids had a single athletic or musical bone in their dumb little bodies. I guess the school probably hosts art galleries sometimes to display art the kids make, Arthur always has a drawing in one of those, and Dutch will absolutely go just to brag about his cool son.

Dutch is the Fun Energetic Dad who embarrasses the boys in front of their friends but can always be talked into taking them out to get ice cream. Hosea is the more quietly anxious dad, he makes sure they do their homework and keep their rooms clean and shit, and he's the one the kids always go to talk to when they’re having problems... like Arthur will rant for an hour and a half about high school drama and Hosea will patiently listen to all of it and when he's done he’ll offer to kick the other kids’ asses for him, and Arthur’s like lmao but Hosea Means It.

Hosea is also the one the kids go to for help on their homework because Hosea and Dutch have five brain cells between them, and four of them belong to Hosea. Dutch is like “suddenly I don’t remember basic math, time to make shit up” and Hosea is like “I must become an expert on 1820s Chinese history in two days for my beautiful sons”

I have NO idea what either of their jobs are, I wanna say Hosea is a lawyer or smthn but idk, Dutch is probably like......................a used car salesman LMAO...... they clearly make a lot of money (or maybe STOLE SOME) bc I gave them a huge house w/ a pool gjhkdhg

Anyway more about THE KIDS

They go to a school that is a combination middle school and high school, bc that’s what my school was like

Mrs. Grimshaw is the strict and irritable principal with a secret soft spot for kids, Mr. Pearson is the cafeteria cook, Strauss works in the office, I wanna say Rev. Swanson is a weird but friendly janitor or something lmao. Uncle is Dutch & Hosea’s annoying forever-drunk neighbor who everyone barely tolerates fjfjhfh

Micah is The School Bully but like bc this is a cutesy high school au and I can do what I want, he’s not actually like a violent racist or anything he’s just a bad mad sad kid who is a huge dick

Bill is Micah’s Bully Henchman, he’s generally not as much of a dick as Micah is, but he punches whoever Micah asks him to bc they are the closest thing to friends that either of them have

Trelawny is a new student who just moved from another school and he’s that fucking Weird Magician Kid who can’t hold a conversation longer than five seconds without saying “wanna see a magic trick,” tried to do some unimpressive card tricks for the school talent show, unironically wears a cape, etc.... Arthur stood up for him when he was getting pushed around by Micah and Bill so now Arthur has +1 more weird friend

Karen is the Popular Girl who somehow knows everyone, is probably a cheerleader, everyone is either extremely intimidated by her or thinks she’s gonna be a stuck up bitch, but she’s actually just super fucking chill and nice, WILL stab a man for her friends, she won’t hesitate bitch

Tilly is Karen’s bff who was getting bullied by *shakes fist* those dang foreman brothers.... Karen stood up for her and Tilly was like “no don’t u will get hurt!!” and Karen was like “ha... fool... cheerleaders cannot die” and whooped ass with her gymnastics skills and somehow got the foreman brothers expelled. So now Tilly is like “I owe u one (1) Life Debt” but Karen is like “nah it’s chill just come to target w/ me & we’ll call it even.” Tilly is just tryna get shit done and do her damn homework but everybody else is going on adventures and being nuisances so of course Tilly has to go too bc come on....... who do you take her for, some kinda two-bit GEEK? NO WAY

Mary Beth is a quiet nerdy girl who’s always reading or writing and never talks in class or anything. Karen and Tilly became her friends thru sheer brute force, Karen just sat by her one day n was like “sup” and Mary Beth was too shy to ask her to leave. They were surprised to discover Mary Beth is actually pretty nice and funny when you get to know her and also the Biggest Lesbian Alive

Sadie is a BAD BITCH... NOBODY fucks with Sadie, not even Micah, Sadie is the girl who when some dipshit boy spreads a rumor that he had sex with her, she agrees and tells everyone she pegged him and he cried after, she hasn’t given a fuck since 2007. she climbs on the roof to get lost frisbees. one time she got the gym coach to agree to give her an automatic A in the class if she did 100 push ups in 5 minutes. Then she Did That. She might have pulled several muscles in both of her arms but She Did That. Karen, Tilly, and Mary Beth (but mostly Karen) approached her like “damn that was sick” and Sadie was like “yea i know” and then they were friends

I literally don’t know anything about Sean I’m sorry...... maybe he’s a transfer student who becomes friends with John, they play Minecraft together and Sean boobytraps the houses John builds. Sean is the only living human being who understands how redstone works and he uses his powers for evil

Molly is going to a nearby community college and is working at the high school part time as a TA and she is like 19-20 or smthn so the kids all think she’s The Hottest Shit,,,, like they think she’s just the coolest hippest person alive, but also she is Very Attractive so fuckin everybody has a crush on her, most specifically Javier and Mary Beth. She ineptly tries to flirt with Dutch every time he comes to a parent teacher conference bc she’s dummy thicc and thinks it’s friendship goals that Dutch lives with and has adopted children with his Best Bud Hosea

The teacher Molly is TA for is Charles Chatenay, an all-grades art teacher who takes his job WAY too seriously, like dude chill they’re high schoolers. His class is where Arthur met Albert, bc Arthur loves drawing and obviously Albert loves photography. They were both like “wow he’s cute” but were too shy to talk to each other for more than basic pleasantries, until one day Albert’s Big Project was ruined a day or two before he was gonna turn it in, and Arthur helped him fix it.

They’re so sweet on each other it’s unbearable, they’re both Soft Boys so they fuckin blush if they make eye contact...... the most bold either of them get is when Arthur is feeling insecure about his body and Albert gladly tells him how perfect and handsome he is in every way, and he wishes he was half as gorgeous as Arthur is, and Arthur is like (offended) um, excuse me, how dare u insult my beautiful boyfriend in this way?? They both wanna grow beards so while they’re still going thru Changes they excitedly bond over their facial hair......... they run up to each other at school like LOOK AT MY NEW CHIN HAIR and the other one is like WOW!!! GOOD JOB

Javier has a big lovely family who spoil him rotten and tbh love to spoil his friends when they come over too, his parents are in a constant and devastating game of dish-gifting with Dutch & Hosea, Arthur and John have eaten more of Mr. & Mrs. Escuella’s tamales than any other food, neither Dutch nor Hosea are very good cooks but luckily Javier has plenty of aunts and uncles and cousins who are happy to occasionally take one of their unimpressive lasagnas or cakes from a box mix

Lenny’s cool dad in canon is the high school au dad of Charles and Lenny, he and Charles’s mom amicably divorced and he got remarried to Lenny’s mom, who is a Cool Stepmom to Charles. Charles and Lenny go stay with Charles’s mom all the time, in fact she was around so much when they were younger that she practically helped raise them both. maybe she gets a gf and Charles and Lenny have so many moms and are so loved & cherished like they fuCKIN DESERVE

Kieran is the weird horse girl at school, he’s Lenny’s age, they become friends when they’re forced to sit next to each other and they’re both too awkward and shy to say anything until they’re paired up on a project together bc everyone else in the class already paired up and they were the only ones left gjkhfd.... John wants to dislike Kieran bc Lenny is HIS friend now, but Kieran is a sweet lad with a mean dad.... His dad is Colm O’Driscoll, Dutch & Hosea’s other neighbor and Dutch’s sworn enemy

Dutch expects Kieran to be as shitty as his dad, but he is a SWEET BOY, and as soon as they realize his situation, they tell Kieran he can come over whenever he wants and spend the night any time, he doesn’t have to ask or anything, but Kieran is super respectful and always asks permission and always tries to come over when John or Arthur are there so he can go under the pretense of hanging out with them, bc he doesn’t wanna intrude...

Once he came over when Hosea was the only one home and he was like “hi Mr. Matthews are John and Arthur home” and Hosea was like “no sorry they’re out” and Kieran was like “oh... ok sorry I’ll just go then” and Hosea was like “absolutely not” and brought Kieran in and made him snacks and wrapped him in many blankets and watched a kids movie with him until he fell asleep on the couch... when Dutch came home he was like “??? new son ???” and Hosea was like “yea I guess. oops”

When Kieran gets older they help him become an emancipated minor and get a job and his own place (even tho he knows they’d let him stay with them if he wanted) and he changes his last name to his mom’s maiden name Duffy... Colm and Dutch glare at each other over their fences and Colm is like “enjoying stealing my son?” and Dutch is like “my son now” but Colm really doesn’t care bc he’s an asshole... and even tho they don’t legally adopt him, Kieran’s like “I’m more of a Van der Linde than an O’Driscoll” and oops i’m making myself cry again :’)

And yes Abigail does eventually teach John how to play stupid super smash bros. She’s Pro Gamer level of competent at nearly all video games and John has the biggest heart eyes for her, the end thank u for listening

#the suffering of john marston. 13 #filler tag 1 #filler tag 2 #morgason #trans arthur morgan #vandermatthews #rdr2

[rjhg53ji-blog]

Geico home owner’s insurance?

Geico home owner s insurance?

I m in Cary, North Carolina

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[greennightspider]

Fated Instinct Chapter 12: Confess. Confess and Repent.

Summary: Sequel to Cabin in the Snow. Akari finds herself in a predicament after an accidental overnight stay in a cabin grants her the title of fiance to the chieftain-to-be M’Baku himself.

Author’s Note: Yes it is dialogue-heavy forgiveth meh but also YAY I MADE MY SELF IMPOSED DEADLINE! 

Chapter 1, Chapter 2, Chapter 3, Chapter 4, Chapter 5, Chapter 6, Chapter 7 Chapter 8, Chapter 9, Chapter 10, Chapter 11, Chapter 13, Chapter 14,  Chapter 15, Chapter 16,  Chapter 17,  Chapter 18, Chapter 19,  Chapter 19(2),  Chapter 20,  Chapter 20(2),  Chapter 21,  Chapter 22, Chapter 23,  Chapter 24

Bonus Chapter 21.5

M’Baku x Akari (OC)

“Please, please help me.”

Akari took a moment to process what was happening, especially because she had thought she was going to have to throw fists, not hold hands.

"Akari please I cant do this anymore." N'Ceba started sobbing quietly, tears falling down her cheeks leaving Akari to try to switch from ‘fight mode’ to ‘friend mode’. Part of her was wondering if this was a ploy for sympathy, but until she heard her out Akari decided to comfort her sobbing classmate with an arm and gently sit her down, as N'Ceba looked like she was going to collapse.

"N'Ceba,” Akari started, slowly. “Tell me what's wrong."

"Akari I'm sorry I'm so sorry." N'Ceba choked through tears. "I didn't wanna do this right from the very beginning but I had no choice but everything was fine until the challenge day and then you and Baku got involved and I felt like shit-"

"Hey hey hey," Akari tried to soothe N'Ceba, who was clearly on a rambling confession. "Deep breaths, just deep breaths." She calmly instructed, with N'Ceba following her commands, which seemed to slightly lessen. "Why dont you start from the beginning, okay?"

"Okay." N'Ceba sniffed. Act or no act Akari couldnt help feeling sorry for her, it was hard to watch someone be so broken. Especially N’Ceba. Aside from her current ‘personal space issue’ with M’Baku, Akari could admit that N’Ceba was nice to be around. She was generally a happy person, always smiling, always happy, always social. Akari had never seen N’Ceba even come close to crying, even she accidentally got hit in the face full force with a ball.

"A couple of years ago, my father and his family took me to the palace and introduced me to Uuka. We would often go to the palace as my dad is a noble. We grew close and as luck would have it, Uuka and I slowly fell in love. He was so warm and kind and caring, I mean how could I not?" N'Ceba sniffed with a nostalgic smile before biting her lip. “He always looked out for me and cared for me. And one day in secret, since Uuka isn’t really one for big huge showy things, he went and told my father that he was the man I would marry one day." N'Ceba wiped her eyes as she continued. "While it wasn't anything official at the time, but it was something. We were going to tell people after the challenge day.” Akari’s eyes lowered and her mouth slightly parted as she knew where this was going.

"But the on the day of the challenge, when Uuka lost to M'Baku, everything shattered. What I hadnt realised at the time was that my father didnt want me to be with Uuka purely because he thought we were a "good match". No, he wanted our bloodline to continue in the Jabari throne. How stupid of me not to realise." N'Ceba chastised herself with a laugh, and Akari couldnt help but wince. Whatever misgivings she had, she didn’t think N'Ceba was stupid for thinking her own father wanted the best for her.

"It wasn’t enough that Uuka was good to me and treated me well and that he was a prince, no my father wanted his grandchildren to be friggin heirs." N'Ceba scoffed.

"Right after the challenge took place my father dragged me away by the arm and told me that from then on I was to act in a way that M'Baku would favour me. Or else. You know he would have beaten me if he wasn’t sure that it would affect my chances at wooing Baku."

"Ever since then I have acted the way my father wanted me to act. Slowly becoming closer with M'Baku, playing the typical 'fangirl'. And I know this all sounds fucked up but even you remember people never used to talk about me and M'Baku until a couple years ago." N’Ceba "And then when you came into the picture..."

"You were scared for your life."

N’Ceba barely nodded. "My father had pressured me to double my efforts, but it was pretty clear from the Winter Solstice Banquet that you two were a thing." Akari bit her lip and narrowed her eyes looking up, wondering if this really was the best time to divulge the whole ‘getting love-drugged’ story, but Akari thought it best to save for another time.

“Does Uuka know?” Akari questioned, but N’Ceba’s face said it all. “Uuka is the 'or else' isnt he.”

“I kept my distance since then.” N’Ceba sniffed. “

“Please Akari know that I am sorry I never meant to-“

“Its okay.” Akari held a hand up. "I get it now."

“But Akari this wasn’t supposed to be just me apologizing, I also came to warn you.” N’Ceba took a deep breath before speaking. “My father… even I’m not sure what lengths he would go to… have a foothold on the throne. I know it’s dangerous to speak of these things-“

Akari gripped her shoulder, settling into her serious demeanor. "N'Ceba it is treason."

“I know that!” N’Ceba exclaimed, gritting her teeth. “I know. And I have known for a long time. But I care about M'Baku. And I don’t want to see you two, or anyone else get hurt in the crossfire."

"Have you told anyone else?"

"No, I haven't. To be honest my father has eyes and ears everywhere and I can't be sure who is watching. Its why I have to keep the act up even at school." N’Ceba made a subtle glance at the door. I guess I’m not the only one with trust issues here… Akari mused. “And what exactly did you need my help for?” She drew out slowly.

“To believe me.” N’Ceba gripped her Akari’s hands. “That is my favour, believe me. Please.”

Akari exhaled and looked into N’Ceba’s eyes, judging her worth. Her story did fill some holes, however it was the fact that she would even dare speak of treason to Akari, that she would risk the stature of herself, her father and her family to only ask for belief.

“I only have one-

“I have no feelings towards M’Baku.” N’Ceba reading Akari’s expression. “I still love Uuka.”

“Okay.”

“Like I really love him.”

“Okay.”

“Like have you seen him shirtless? Like I mean those back muscles though.

“Ooookay.”

“And like you’d think he’d be all nice and sappy but when I well you he can be damn dominant-“

“OKAY THAT’S ENOUGH INFO!” N’Ceba burst out laughing at Akari’s outburst, who followerd suit with a laugh shortly after. “Well I’m sorry! It’s the first time I’ve ever been able to talk to anyone about it. About.. about everything.”

Akari gave her a sympathetic smile. “Don’t worry, I am 80% convinced.” N’Ceba laughed “Well I can’t blame you. I’d probably be more worried for you if you weren’t at least cautious.”

“Speaking of… in terms of who to trust. I think there’s at least one person that I know of in the palace who would be forever trustworthy, and that is the high priest.”

Akari tried not to tense up as flashbacks of birthing potions flooded her mind at the mention of the zealous priest. “And why would you say that?” She grimaced.

“Oh,” N’Ceba smiled. “He’s my grand-uncle.”

“…sorry he’s your WHAT??”

 -----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

 “My nephew. When will you let go of this obsession, this fixation that plagues you.”

“You know exactly why uncle.” The figure hissed. The two figures illuminated only in the light of the fire and candles of the temple, and the fire of the heated temper of the younger.

“M’Baku and Akari have been bound by the ritual.” The priest’s eyes followed his young nephew.

“It was an accident.” He scoffed.

“Did you not see for yourself at the Winter Solstice banquet?” The priest gripped his staff and furrowed his brows. “He has already pledged himself to her. They are in love. There is no going against the will of Hanuman.”

“We were so close.” The figure who paced in the amber light of the fire made no motion to show that he had heeded the old man’s words. “So close to gaining the bloodline of the throne and then that boy-” He all but spat, “Had to lose to that oaf and that harlot, Eshile’s daughter-

“Beware of how you speak!” The priest boomed. “They are the future bloodline of the throne, not ours!”

The priest then bit his lip in the silence filled the room after his outburst, tears threatened to adorn his eyes. “Why can you not let my niece be happy?”

“Happy??”

“Yes. To be free of this grudge, to be happy in her own right.”

“There will be no happiness for my family until we are where we belong.” The figure stormed away from his aging relative, who mourned the darkness in his nephew that saw no signs of regressing. He made for the darkness of the night that would conceal his intentions, gritting his teeth in the snowfall of the night. “Until we have what we deserve.”

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#greennightspider #fated instinct #m'baku fanfiction #m'baku fanfic #black panther fanfiction #mbaku fanfiction #mbaku fanfic #m'baku x akari #m'baku x oc #someone help me with the tags for some reason i cant tag peeps

[milski]

Long story

When I was 14 years old, I experienced a teacher touching me inappropriatly and he made me touch him aswell. I kept this to myself for some months, I then attempted suicide. My mother did not believe that I actually took the pills that I said I did, despite having been put into the hospital to have them pumped out of my stomach. My father came, I told him I was raped. I did not have a proper understanding of what the difference between rape and molestation was. He got me to tell him the whole story, and got angry that I had lied. (I always had an infatuation with older men giving me attention, and my father would get angry with me for smiling at older men) He then told me that I had probably brought it on myself, with all the flirting I do with older men. He told me in graphic detail how, if I had been raped, the man would have penetrated my asshole, ripping it open and causing me to bleed and be in so much pain. He told me that I would be traumatized and that I was a horrible person for lying about rape and that I was a horrible person for attempting suicide. 

After many years of my dad being cruel to me (calling me fat, even though I had an eating disorder and was underweight, saying I would never amount to anything other than his servant and that I was a slut) I finally turned 18, I decided to explore the kink world. I had heard many great things from friends who were in the bdsm world, that women were treated like queens and were well respected. 

One day, a friend asked if I wanted to go to a swingerclub with him, because it was cheaper if he had a companion with him. I said yes, because I was curious and also because it seemed like a fun idea. I had a glas of cola, I left my glass on the table inside and went into the outdoor jacuzzi. After a while I went back inside to finish my cola and I started talking to a guy who was sitting next to me. He asked if I wanted to go upstairs with him, there was a massage room and he could give me a massage. I thought he seemed nice and i was attracted to him so I said yes and went with him. After a little while, I started to feel queezy and sick and dizzy. I thought I was just very nervous, because it was all very new to me. I was faced down, with my face squished into the hole in the massage table. The guy was still massaging my back, when I heard the door open. Then I saw some feet coming towards the table, and then another pair and another and so on.. suddenly there were 8 guys, all around my body, touching me. I tried to lift myself up but my limbs felt weird, like they were numb but I could still feel them touching them. I then tried telling them to stop, because it was too much for me, and my speech came out very slurred. They were talking to eachother in an arabic sounding language. Then they lifted my body and turned me around and I finally realized that I was not okay, my head was flopping, my eyes could be kept straight, they just rolled around my head and i couldnt figure out why I felt like this. They then lifted me and carried me into the room next door, it had a big circular bed on the floor and a bowl of condoms next to it. I don’t remember if they used any.. at this point it get very graphic, I’m not sure how much I can handle writing down. 

I remember then taking the rest of my clothes of, rough enough to hurt me. Then two of them lifted my limp arms and put my hands around their penises and just rubbed them with my hands. another three were fighting about whose penis goes in my mouth, they kept grabbing my head and turning it towards their penis and they would squeeze my jaw until i opened my mouth and they would just use my head like a fleshlight, with no regard for me breathing. The rest took turns on my vagina and asshole. At some point, I gave up and just cried. I was helpless and I couldnt scream or shout, I could barely breathe and it hurt so much. I wished and begged to god that it would just stop and be over. It lasted about an hour, nonstop. By the time it had ended, I had lost everything. I was 18 years old, I had been proud that I was putting on some weight and looking more like a normal person, I loved myself, my body and everything about myself. I was happy. And they took EVERY SINGLE THING away from me! I lost my will to live, I was a worthless whore, a slut, who deserved what I got. My father was right, I became exactly who he said I would become. I could never tell anyone about this. If I told my parents, my dad would probably tell me I deserved it, that I asked for it by going there. That I was the dumbest piece of shit in the world who left my drink unattended un perpose to let someone drug me and use me like the whore i was.  

At 19, I started smoking marijuana to deal with the anxiety and just to get away from hating myself all the time. It was the only time I didnt wanna die, was when I was high. So I started smoking more and more. Finally it wasnt enough, by the time I was 20, I started doing psychedelic shrooms and I would do mdma. All throughout my drug addiction, my dad had been diagnosed with Leukemia, and I was being told that I was a horrible daughter and sister, because I didn’t want to see my dad. I attempted to go see him a few times, to talk things through from the past (he choked me to the point of passing out, he has hit me and threated to beat the crap out of me) but he denied ever having done anything wrong. I have always wished that he was the great dad that he could be. He wasn’t a horrible person all the time, he did great things with us, sometimes he’d even call me a beautiful young and bright woman who could achieve so much if I just tried. I heard him say that once, and it was enough to keep me coming back despite it never happening again. I just wanted my dad to love me. 

I had visited my dad the week before he went into coma, we talked and I decided after a while that I would rather leave and be with my friends, because my dad always made me feel like I did something wrong. I told him I love him before I left, but I regret not staying longer. I came into the hospital when he went into a coma, I sat and talked to him alone, telling him how I wish he would have been the father I knew he could’ve been, how I loved him so much for all the good things he ever did for me, and that I understand that he was traumatized as a child and that probably made him repeat the cycle on me. I forgave him, because I know that he loved me, that he just used the wrong words to say it. 

The doctors told us he could probably be in the coma for 2 days to a week and then he might wake up again. I went home to a friend, I took some mdma because I wanted to forget and not feel. At 2 am, I got the call to come into the hospital and say my goodbyes. I was high on mdma when I went to the hospital to say goodbye. No one noticed, because every one of them looked just as glazed over in the eyes and just broken. I went to the bathroom to cry, because I was taught not to cry in front of others. When they pulled the plug, I was allowed to go into the room, see him dead and do what i needed to do. When I got into the room, i fell to the ground and started screaming and crying. I couldn’t believe it. He looked so different. like a weird version of himself. a very realistic doll. We finally all finished our goodbyes and went home. I started doing even more drugs, and I would see my dad. even when i wasnt on drugs, i would see him. he was walking on the street as my bus drove by him. I started seeing him everywhere.. it got to the point where i saw him every day, like a spirit in front of me, he would yell and scream and call me horrible things. Then he would hit me and I could feel it, it hurt. I even woke up from it. This went on for a year, and the drugs were the only thing to make it stop. I tried going to three different psychiatric hospitals and they wouldnt take me in, because i was a drug addict and they didnt tell me to stop doing the drugs so i could get treatment. 

I was doing a lot of ghb, which is a known date rape drug, but in small dosages it made me high and it would make the voices go away. (I had three voices in my head, telling me what to do, what to be afraid of and also telling me how worthless i was and so on) I would prostitute myself for money or drugs. My body is a tool, and should be used as such. I distanced my feelings from anything that had to do with sex. Sex and emotions are not a thing that I know how to mix. In the process of selling my body, I have had experiences of men who decided that if I was prostituting myself, then I had no standards and therefor no rights. That i was a piece of meat.. i would try to fight off these men in the beginning, but eventually, I learned to just let it happen. I talked to a policeman, told him what these men would do to me, and he said that it was my own choice, I was choosing to be a prostitute and that it comes with the job, just like he risks getting attacked by people on his job. He also said that I probably would get far in court with my case, because i was a prostitute and so it would be hard to prove that i didnt want it to happen, that i wasnt trying to scam men out of their money or something.. I don’t remember it clearly, but it was enough to make me keep my mouth shut. 

I am now 22 years old, I have been mostly clean of all drugs for a year now, with the rare occation of either smoking some pot to help me sleep (i now have prescription sleep medicine) and doing ghb for a weekend, because the voices became too much and the psychiatric system is very slow on giving me medicine. I was diagnosed with Paranoid Schizophrenia in januar 12th 2019, and it is now march 13 and I have only been able to get sleeping medication because i told them that i tried to smoke marijuana to sleep but it made me more paranoid so i dont want to smoke it. I hope that I can become medicated with some anti psychotic medicine very soon, this is a lot for me. 

I recently dug up the old memories of the group rape, and i have finally opened up to a couple people about what has happened to me. I have been guided towards some help centers for rape victims, i hope that i can one day learn to accept the situation and maybe even learn to love myself again. So far, I just have a huge issue with one of the voices in my head telling me im disgusting, useless, worthless, whore, pic, fat, ugly, cumhole, how i deserve to be raped. How every man who is in some way a part of my life, whether its a friend, boyfriend, the men who work at the institution i live in, should rape me, because that is all i am worth to them. that i should be fucked and filled with cum in every hole and over my body they should write all the things that makes me deserve it so the whole world can see how much of a waste of life i am. I should be mutilated, have people stick knives in me, burn me and make me look like the worthless , pathetic excuse of a whore. 

those things are being repeated and yelled into my head over and over, and it been going on, in different variations over the years, and I am so incredibly tired. I just want it all to stop. I cant sit in my apartment alone and relax or enjoy anything, because this is going on, reminding me of how much i hate myself. I need help. im really hope that it will get better. Im just worried that i cant keep fighting this fight much longer. i am so tired. i just want it to stop. im calling the center for rape victims tomorrow morning when their phones open, and i need them to help me. i am desperate. i dont know how to deal with it all. it so much and im not an adult, i wasnt an adult when it all started and i havent had the chance to become an adult because of how much i cant even process properly, ive never spoken about the night of the rape since. and i just want help. i can’t keep it up much longer, i can’t keep pretending im not broken and wishing i could just numb myself with drugs so i dont have to feel it all the time.. i just want help.  i will update this, if i get help and how/if it helped me.  

i don’t know what else to write now. so i guess this is the end of my very long story. 

#me too movement #metoo

[bleakvictory115-blog]

Apocalypse 1, beginning of nothing - end of everything

Gotta keep this journal. Maybe it'll help keep me sane or maybe it'll help some other poor fated individuals. My name is Edward Clarke. Most just call me Eddie... or did.

In case you've been hiding under a rock for the past 10-20 years or so the world has gone to shit. Wasn't the best back before all this but it was a hell of a lot better than the dirt, wreckage, and mutations we find ourselves in now. The world wasn't simply nuked into oblivion like I've heard some folks say. It wasnt a flash that came out of no where and it wasnt a nuclear war. It's all a little fuzzy to me. When the news was still a long range broadcast I'd heard of severe storms battering the country, I'm not sure if it was everywhere else. What I do know is that the wars we were in out east came to bite us in the ass. We pulled our soldiers out because of a state of emergency over here. When you're having trouble keeping everything in line over here, it's all the more difficult to keep others in line in another country. With the severity of the storms and it approaching winter, prices skyrocketed for most places. Riots broke out, people ransacked stores and houses. My city of Greeneville was no different. Someone broke into my house one night, tried stealing my food and had even hit my girlfriend, Judith who was up late working on the computer. I'm no soldier or cop or nothing but no one breaks into my house and hits my girl. So I shoved him into the fridge and bashed his head with the door. I almost didn't kill the bastard but I wasn't gonna rely on cops to come to a suburb when they have riots to deal with. I wish I didnt have to do that. Killing a man, it not anything fun. Tore at me for weeks. Judith was mostly fine but she was definitely shaken up. Went a whole week without sleeping downstairs as normal. Nothing was wrong between us, just felt more comfortable to her. While all these riots and storms were going on, our enemies from the middle east paid us a visit. After the terrorists blew up a few places, people caught on that it wasn't the riots to be held responsible. This is where it gets fuzzy. Too much panic had set in and I couldn't keep up with current events. With war on our soil and what wasn't being attacked by terrorists was being picked on by human scavengers the government sent out a message across the country via any means possible. Told us to seek shelter in any bomb shelter or basement you could and bring only necessities. Couldnt guarantee safety otherwise. I dont think they could even then. Judith and I were drove from our basement when a fight broke out between some scavengers and terrorists in our house. Judith didnt make it. She was shot on the way out and... I froze... I couldn't save her. I crossed a few streets before I climbed into a man's back yard. He had a shed behind his rather rundown house. It was clear to me he didnt care for its appearance. As soon as I entered the shed, it was clear that survival mattered. The doors of a bomb shelter were built into the floor. Damn doors look like it could withstand direct impact. Aside from the doors it looked like a workshop, like the man fixed whatever the neighborhood threw at him. I pounded on the door as hard as I could trying to get him to answer. I yelled to him something... I dont much remember. I heard rustling around inside the locked bunker, I think the man was fumbling for his gun. He yelled up at me to go away but I didn't. How could I? To leave was death, at least I had a chance there. After a while he asked if was still there and I simply said yes. I was praying he'd let me in, as much of a sorry sight I was. Tears rolling down my face and everything. He opened the large door with gun in hand but soon realized I was harmless. He invited me in to stay for a bit, at least until things got better up there. I was quiet for a long time, save for many "thank you"s. We sat around mostly silent listening to the radio, hoping for an all clear or something... we never got that message...

I stayed in that bunker for years. I could tell by how the grizzled, slightly overweight and paranoid man, who had introduced himself as Bill, looked at me that he wanted to kick me out to ensure his own survival. Thank God he never did, if there even is a God. We passed the time with books, magazines, he even had a radio and TV there for before we lost contact with the outside world. What we heard was more of the same. The government signal telling everyone to get underground, occasionally we'd find a signal speaking a foreign language, definitely the terrorists. The radio and TV signals were over almost as soon as they started.

(Was sitting on this story for a bit, figured I'd post it and see how people felt about it)

[inifitywar]

she is perfection //james march

pairing: james march x mute!reader 

word count: 2324

warnings: self-deprecation, low self-esteem, mention of cheating, sexual assault, swearing, mention of alcohol, light choking, physical violence, angst. 

a/n: this is a collab with the lovely @ahswitchy. our parts are separated by a simple insert line, starting with her. we hope you enjoy! x

i took one last place in the mirror before nodding my head to myself and spinning on my heels to leave mine and james’ shared room.

the dress i was wearing was pretty simple. plain, black fabric with long sleeves, the skirt resting by knees length. on my feet, just flats. even though my friends liz and elizabeth would try their best to persuade me into wearing more fancy and revealing outfits, i simply couldn't. catching people attention had always made me feel anxious, and the thought of so many eyes staring right at me made me feel sick to my stomach. 

that would be my first time joining devils night. at first i didnt want to go. but, still, james insisted so much that i ended up just accepting it. he’d always done everything for me, so why couldn't i? 

knowing i stil had 20 minutes or so left until devil’s night actually began, i decided to make my way to the bar, knowing liz would hound me later if she didn’t get to see me all dressed up. anytime i wear anything dressier than jeans and a sweatshirt liz practically coos over me because, “sweetie, with just a little lipstick and some heels, you could just about sweep any man off his feet.”

making my way through the halls, i turn a corner to find james and elizabeth. quickly, i duck behind one of the walls, hoping i wasn’t seen.

you see, despite james loving me no matter what i wear, he especially adores when i get dressed up, even if it is just with a simple dress. knowing this, i informed him that we would meet at the dinner instead of just going together, wanting to surprise him so i could see him get all flustered. unsurprisingly, he refused, insisting that we greet the guests together, with me by his side. but he also knew that he was already walking on thin ice, considering that i had barely agreed to attend in the first place, so he reluctantly complied. 

although james would never admit to getting flustered around me, i still see it. when his voice gets caught in his throat and his eyes drag up my body to meet mine. but of course, he never lets his composure fall for more than a moment before he’s already gathered himself and greeted me with a compliment that would make any woman blush. although those moments are quick, the look we share says that we both know it won’t be long before my dress and his trousers are tossed upon the carpet. 

dragging my attention back to the two, i let out a sigh relief, praising whatever higher power there is that they hadn’t spotted me. more importantly, that james hadn’t spotted me. elizabeth seeing me wasn’t really a concern. given, she’s wasn't exactly the lover i was trying to woo. 

watching them quietly, which is a routine i seem to have mastered. no doubt, owing it all to the time i’ve spent toward perfecting my body language and movement, as they are the focal points to my communication. 

seeing james and elizabeth together had never bothered me much, for elizabeth has always been one of my closest friends in the hotel and i knew she wasn’t interested in james. and don’t get me wrong, i wasn’t second guessing her intentions now, but i couldn’t help but feel something in the pit of my stomach as i watched them. 

i wasn’t close enough to hear the two but i could see them just fine. james was already dressed for devil’s night, he switched out his usual formal attire for something a bit darker and more crisp. he looked utterly handsome, even more so than usual, which is saying a lot. 

elizabeth was adorned in one of her many stunning gowns. i couldn’t help but glance back down at my dress and compare the two. sure, my dress was simple, but i had thought it was elegant. but looking at elizabeth’s gown was starting to make me second guess my choice of attire. i mean hell, she wasn’t even trying. she wore prada on her lazy days and here i was, thinking i went all out, wearing a plain black dress and flats to james’ most important event of the year. even james was taken with her gown, or rather, what was underneath. 

an unfaithful man was something james would never be, i knew this as a fact. but that didn’t stop his eyes from roaming about her figure. i could see elizabeth roll her eyes at him, clearly uninterested, confirming what i already knew to be true. 

they continued to talk and although i couldn’t hear them, i had no doubt her voice sounded like honey. i mean, the woman could quote a book about politics and still make it sound sexy. how is that even possible? 

taking a deep breath, i leaned back against the wall, letting myself slide down until i was finally just sitting. thoughts filled my mind, some were of betrayal, but mostly just insecurity. my thoughts of betrayal were immediately followed by thoughts of guilt. after all, it wasn’t like he actually cheated on me or did anything wrong. all he did was look at her, and how could he not? she was alluring in every aspect, the way she looked, the way she smelled, the way she moved, the way she felt, the way she talked. she was, in theory, his perfect match. 

“dearest? what are you doing on the floor in a dress?” 

suddenly, my thoughts froze as i noticed james’ black dress shoes planted in front of me. 

i could feel my cheeks burning at the awkward sensation of getting caught in such a...humiliating position.

“darling, how come you are not ready yet? the guests are about to arrive, and you are still not dressed properly!” james mumbled as he reached a hand out to me.

i felt my heart drop as his words roamed about my mind, replaying over and over again in a cruel, twisted form.

how come you are not ready yet?  

i thought i looked better than usual, but my temporary self-love had been crushed into pieces and now everything was scattered all over the floor. my feelings. my heart.

my gaze remained locked on his shoes as the unshed tears started to fill my (y/e/c) eyes.

“dearest?” james called again and gently touched my arms, frowning when i flinched away from his touch. “what is this nonsense!?”

he sunk his fingers in my skin and forcefully pulled me up so i was properly standing in front of him with my back pressed against the wall.

“now now, head right back to our suite and change into some lavishing, elegant dress.” he smiled and pointed his chin towards the countess. “perhaps, you might wish to use elizabeth as a reference.”

i felt my breath hitching, as if i was drowning myself in a damned mix of feelings. bitterness, hatred, sadness, jealousy…my body reacted as soon as my husband had finished his sentence.

my muscles tensed under his touch and the tears drifted down my cheeks like an overflowing sink. james’ eyes got wide as he tried to understand the situation, for he seemed lost. and that's probably what had hurt the most.

he just didn't know he'd said something hurtful…

james leaned forward and hugged me tightly, resting his chin on top of my head. my lips contorted in anger, and almost instantly, i brought my fists to his chest, frantically shoving him away from me, my hands colliding with his aimed wall of muscles.

he backed off, startled, his head slightly cracked to the side.

“my de-” as he tried to approach me again, i lifted one hand to stop him, which worked.

“fuck you.” my hands trembled in emotion as i signed.

james furrowed his eyebrows and straightened his broad shoulders. before he could say anything to protest, i started to sign again.

“take your queen with you, then.” i pointed my index finger at the countess, who held her chest as she witnessed our fight. “i am not good enough for you, anyway.”

i pushed him out of the way and scrambled out of the lobby with my face hid behind my hand. i quickly got into the elevator, instantly pressing the button to my floor.

before the golden doors were closed, i could hear the conversation between james and elizabeth…

“you fucked up, james. you really did. she was actually already ready. she just wanted to hear a compliment from you. you should hear yourself...what you said to lovely (y/n) was mean.”

“oh my goodness...what have I done?”

---

i stumbled out of the elevator into the dimly-lit hallways of the sixth floor, the tears staining my eyes turning my vision blurry, as my body shook with the cry emerging from my soul.

i brought my small arms to wrap around my pathetic frame out of instinct, as i suddenly felt the cold hitting me.

suddenly, i felt a large hand grasping my bicep and pulling me into a big wall of muscles. i gasped out of shock, my eyes unconsciously shooting up to meet bright blue orbs.

john lowe.

i could tell he was drunk by the way his eyelids were hanging slightly, and a little smirk was plastered across his lips. unconsciously, i tried to pull my arm away, but his grip was too tight.

“why are you crying, [Y/N]? has someone hurt you?” john reached his free hand to hold my other arm.  

i hung my head and shut my eyes. he shook me slightly to get my attention, making my heart race.

“it's nothing.” I sheepishly signed, hoping it'd convince him.

john shook his head and pulled me into his arms, tightly wrapping his arms around my waist. i tried to squirm away, but he simply put more strength into the embrace.

“shhh, don't waste your energy, [Y/N]. i gotcha, and i won't be letting you go…” john’s voice had gained an incredibly dark tone all of the sudden, which caused the hairs on the back of my neck to raise. “you are upset because james keeps chasing after his former slut.” i gulped, trying my best to hold back the tears, that i am positive he knew i was holding. “hmm?” he tucked a lock of my hair behind my ear. “you're hot, [Y/N]. you being mute...it kinda turns me on, you know?” a single tear had slipped down my cheek. “it means I can do whatever I want with you…”

right after he finished his sentence, he turned on his heels and shoved me, causing me to trip and hit my back against the hallway red wall, ripping a gasp out of me. john was quick to pin me there by grabbing my throat.

“you squeak, huh?” he whispered in my ear, seeming unfazed by my countless attempts at kicking him or shoving him off. “it’s not beautiful when they squeak, [Y/N]...”

when i tried to kick him again, he looped his arms underneath my thighs and lifted me up, wrapping my legs around his waist. the tears were now dropping freely from my [y/e/c] as he forcefully grinded his clothed bulge against me, placing disgusting sloppy kisses on my neck.

his hands were everywhere...

and i knew, that no matter how many showers i took after that, they'd never be enough to wash away all of the remnants of john lowe’s putrid.

“fuck…” he grunted as he dug his filthy nails in my breasts.

he was implacable. he was like a wild animal, yielding to the profane and animalistic carnal desire, which was only being increased by the absinthe running through his veins, intoxicating his system.

though john was not the most ferocious predator…

i gasped in surprise when he was suddenly yanked away from me. i wrapped my arms around myself as i stared at my savior.

it was james…

“ja-” john started, but he was cut off by my husband’s fist colliding with his jaw. john instantly brought his hand to hold the spot.

“what was this nonsense!?” james practically howled, his shoulders tense, his jaw clenched, his face red...john was in a lot of trouble. before he could answer, james grabbed the collar of his jacket and slammed him against the wall.

“you. shall. never. put. your. disgusting. hands. on. my. wife. ever. again.” with each bitter word, james gave john a punch on the face. by the time he was done, the detective was lying unconscious on the floor.  

james punched the wall in front of him, still completely outraged, causing me to flinch. i forced myself to walk towards him, because suddenly all of the rage i held towards him had melted. hesitantly, i placed my hand on his broad shoulder, giving it a slight squeeze to catch his attention.

as he let his gaze wander down my baffled frame, his eyes softened.

“darling, forgive m-”

i pressed my index finger against his lips before he could finish his sentence. i wrapped my arms around his waist, pressing my cheek against his chest. james didn't hesitate to hug me back. i cling to him, digging my nails into the black fabric of his suit.

“dearest, i am taking you back to our suite,” he whispered as he stroked my hair.

to his surprise, i shook my head and pulled away. heading towards john’s limp body, my lips trembled as i took in his defeated form. i shot james a quick glance over my shoulder. my eyes had acquired a sinister darker shade.

i turned on my heels so i was facing my husband.

“i need rope.” i coldly signed. “and a sledgehammer, please.”  

as his brain processed what was roaming my mind, a devious smirk broke through his face. clearing his throat, james bounced on his heels with his head slightly cracked to the side.

“splendid, darling! splendid!”

#american horror story imagine #james patrick march #evan peters #american horror story hotel #james march x reader #ahs imagine #american horror story #ahs hotel #james march imagine #james march #american horror story fanfic #ahs one shot #ahs fx #james march one shot #evan peters imagine #james fluff #james angst

[pappycat89]

So, talking about early life and some of the things that im pretty sure fucked me up for adult life. under a cut cos boy will it be long and poorly written *finger guns*

i was gonna do this as like a timeline of things that happened, with explanations and shit, but instead im just gonna do a highlight reel, cos why not

My brother and i used to share a room for years, including when my younger brother and sister were born, grew up, and then got their own rooms while luke and i had to share a room into our teens. we fought, a lot, because we were kids and also stupid

when we were sharing a room it would become a huge mess, mostly because we were preteens and why would we put away the toys we were always playing with? anyways, our stepdad would often give us an hour to clean our rooms, which would have been plenty of time if we didnt get distracted by out toys, as kids do. if we didnt get it cleaned in time (which we pretty much never did) we would get flogged. not like a gentle smack to enforce we’d done something wrong (like how you might smack a friends arm when they say something wrong or offensive) but full on belting, often with some kind of tool. he broke a couple duster over our backsides. we would sob for ages afterwards, and often rush around or hide when we heard him coming because we were afraid

i was afraid of him physically hurting me even after i was an adult. i think i was 20 before i had had enough and decided if he ever touched me again i’d fight back. when i was 16 i wanted my eyebrow pierced. he told me if i ever did he would tear it from my face. i got it done when i moved out at 19, and had a panic attack the first time i had to go home because i was 100% convinced he would. my mum had to pull me aside after dinner to tell me he wouldn’t, but to be honest i didnt really believe her

i have two younger step siblings, who were treated as angels, while my brother and i were treated like shit constantly. When my step-brother threw a tantrum and threatened my brother and me with a knife, he got a ‘talking to’, but not before my brother and me were screamed at for being shitty brothers (his temper tantrum was because we kept telling him he had to clean his room before our parents got him. he never did clean it)

once, my step brother was given 3 days to clean his room. days after the deadline, my mum told put her foot down. My girlfirend and i (i had moved out at this point) were visiting and helping get the place ready for xmas. My step brother refused to clean, screamed at me when i reminded him he only had today to do it, literally went crying to mum when she got home from work. I got yelled at,, by both mum and my step dad, until my grilfriend stepped in to defend me. apparently my step brother had told them i hit him, yelled at him and locked him in his room. at this point in my life, i literally couldnt give a shit whether he cleaned his room or not as i didnt live there, so all i did was remind him and let it go

for a few months when i was 18 i worked with my stepdad at a steel mill (the pay was almost worth deal with his bullshit). i had made plans a week in advance to go out with friends, and asked my stepdad multiple times to warn me in advance if i had to work the next day. the day of going out came, i told him that if i had to work to let me know by 10pm, because i would have enough time to come home and be functional for work. He never got in contact, so i stayed out all night and crashed at a friends place. 5am comes around and i get an angry phone call from my mum. my stepdad was pissed that i was out and wasnt ready for work. She knew that i had asked to be told by 10pm, but they both had ‘forgot’, and it was my fault, because i should have come home anyway. this was not the last time they would forget to tell me my shifts (my stepdad literally gave everyone their shifts, he had no excuse). i ended up getting picked up and dragged to work (i was too afraid of him to say no at this point) and went to work very hungover, which was very dangerous at a steel mill, but i was so afraid of him beating me that i put up with it

During my preteens i was part of an athletics club. i liked it, and enjoyed the field events far more then the track events. i hated running, because i would get really bad shin splints. no one believed me, and mum thought i was just lazy. i got into the regional championships for discus and high jump, and state for javelin. everyone was excited for me to go, but when i didnt place no one talked about it again. i felt so guilty over failing i stopped trying as hard. i did well at the weekly events, but never well enough to compete again.

i played soccer for years until mum got a weekend job and couldnt take us. my teammates thought i was useless and would never let me have the ball. one day, when we were short people, i got placed as a forward. i kept up with the others, and even scored a few goals. i got cheered for that game, and finally thought i would be accepted and make friends, but then the next week was back on the bench

similar happened when is started playing basketball instead of soccer (it ran on weeknights instead of weekends). i almost gave up until one of my teammates pulled me aside and actually tested me. when he found i could play, he started including me in games, passing to me and teaching me better techniques. i crushed on him so hard before i even knew what that meant. i never saw him again after that season, so when the next season came with an almost all new team, mixed with the emotional strain of school, i gave up on sports

school was very hard for me growing up. i got bullied alot through both primary and high school (even university, but by that point it didnt bother me as much)

i was a very sensitive child. i would cry whenever i felt too much of any emotion, including happiness. People told me for years to ‘suck it up’, to stop crying, or better, that they’d ‘give me something to cry about’. this lead to me bottling my emotions and literally beating myself whenever i would cry that i physically couldnt shed a tear for over a decade.

i felt so disconnected from everyone in my life that when i was around 12 i decided to try to kill myself. being a stupid kid i thought i could hold my breath until i died. i tried 3 times over about 6 months. it never clicked that it wouldnt work, i just became more scared of death then i did of my bullies.

i ran away from school twice in the same year. the first time one of my bullies set off a cap gun next to me, then started yelling about how i did it. i was so afraid of getting in trouble, not just by my teacher, but by my parents that i just ran. i ended up coming back to the school 30 mins later, after both my parents and the police had been called. no one wanted to hear why i had done it, they just wanted to be angry that i left school grounds.

i dont remember why i did it the second time, but i was gone maybe 5 mins before i came back, fearing not only my parents but the police this time. i knew i would be in worse trouble, but i just couldnt be in the school anymore.

one time, when we had a sex education class, i explained to a ‘friend’ that i didnt like talking about this stuff, cos it made me feel weird (not in a sexual way, but like, grossed out weird) he told everyone i got an erection in class, and people called me boner boy for months. that was actually not long before i tried to commit suicide for the first time

i thought things would be better in high school because i went to a different school then everyone i knew (i missed my friends, but i figured id get a new start). instead i got bullied from day one. the jockish kids in my class saw i was an easy target because at this point i still cried at the drop of a hat. some of those bullies from day one bullied me all the way through to senior year.

as i hit puberty i stopped being so emotional (well, i bottle it up more) and instead became angry at everything. i would lash out at everyone, and when i couldnt lash out at people i hit things. i split my knuckles on walls and doors many times

once, in the library, one of my bullies stole my wallet. he took all the money out, then threw the empty wallet at me and laughed. i snapped and threw the chair i was sitting on at him. i missed, but he dropped the money. i got sent to the vice principals office, where i explained what happened. he called in the other boy, who denied it all. no one else had seen, so i got in trouble and he got off

it was in highschool that i learnt that pain could help clear the bad feelings from my head, and started to self harm. i hated the feeling of cutting, so i burned myself, or scratched mosquito bites and small cuts until that got so bad they would scar

i used to try really hard in to be a good student in high school. i was in the ‘gifted and talented’ classes in primary school, so whenever i didnt do well (i never failed, just was never top of my class) i got told i had ‘so much potential’. no one ever saw the effort i did put in. When the school sent a letter home one time to congratulate me on getting the second top score in a test, i heard nothing of it. i found the letter a few weeks after it had been sent, opened. neither my mum nor stepdad had said anything about it. soon after i decided there was no point in trying if people only ever cared when i failed

i got into a fist fight one day at school. they didnt call my folks, so my mum found out when i got home with a black eye. we got into a fight about it, because i didnt want to talk to her about what happened. when confronted i broke down, and told her that i wanted to die. she yelled at me about being selfish while smacking me across the face multiple times. i decided not to talk to her about how i felt anymore, because i couldnt understand how you could beat someone who just said they wanted to die. to this day everytime i try to talk to her about any serious emotional stuff i start to break down and just cant do it

i to bullied about being gay for so many years that when i started to have feelings for other men i buried them and tried not to think about it. i spent years being scared that i might be gay, worried about what would happen to me if i was. When i started to think about my gender ( i didnt understand gender at the time) and how i wished i had been born a woman, i buried that and just assumed it was puberty hormones fucking with me. i still cant think about it without almost having an anxiety attack. i have so many years of self hatred, of poor body images and of people telling me i was ugly/fat/gross that i cant see myself as anything but

i finally calmed down emotionally around 17/18. senior year. at this point i tried my best to ignore my bullies and the voices in my head. i just wanted school to end so i could run away somewhere. i wanted to go to university to study forensic science. i had two different teachers tell me i wasnt smart enough, and that i would never get into uni. i ended up failing my HSC and having to do a bridging course to get into uni. the course was so good, in both how they taught in the environment (it was held at the univeristy) that i more then doubled my ATAR and got accepted into the two top forensic science courses (in hindsight i chose the worse of the two, but i didnt know at the time)

university was mixed years. i made some amazing friends and learnt some great stuff, but also had to deal with some absolute dickheads. It was a small country town where the only things to do outside study was to drink and play football. id given up on playing sports years before hand, and 9 out of 10 of the football players were super racist and homophobic. One of them raped a friend of mine and the university defended him. thats when my friends and i decided we had to leave campus. add to that that i found out at the end of my third year i had been doing the wrong course for the job i wanted, i quit uni and left

TL:DR - theres a lot of shit that fucked me up, but typing it all out i cant tell if it actually fucked me up or if im just whining about normal shit. ahh well. better to get it out then keep it in

Tune in next time folks! Same Bat-time! same Bat-channel!

#personal #long post #like its seriously long #just airing dirty laundry #is that the right term?