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#really really need to schedule another appointment about it i always forget until my monthly reminder arrives lmao

lemonjoonah · 4 years

Text

Level of Restraint (M)

Pairings: Jimin x Reader, Namjoon x Reader, Taehyung x Reader Word Count: 13K Rating: M Genre: Thriller, smut, office AU, BDSM AU Warnings(contains spoilers): This story contains very dark themes and may not be suited to all readers, protected sex (vag+anal), threesome, double penetration, bondage (including partial suspension), dom/sub roles (reader is a sub), praise kink, mild degration, sensory deprivation, spanking, fingering, cum feeding, mild breathplay, sex toys, exhibitionism, voyeurism, discussion of safe word, Namjoon is a professional dom/sex worker, referenced discrimination of sex workers and those who participate in BDSM, public outing of sexual practices, inappropriate workplace relationships, referenced death of minor character, yandere character, misidentified sexual partner, manipulation, bribery, blackmail, implied stalking, violence.

Summary: As a co-founder of a consulting firm you can’t afford to be caught in a scandal. So flirting with your secretary, Jimin, would be out of the question. Giving your client’s son, Taehyung, a reference for a sexual partner would be reprehensible. And having regular paid BDSM sessions with your dominant, Namjoon? That would be a career ending disgrace. It’s too bad the only restraints in life you approve of are the cuffs that bind you to the bed, because there are those hiding in the dark waiting to take advantage.

A/N: A huge thank you to everyone who supported me while writing this story. It was hard not to question the level of darkness this tale descends to. In the end your assurances and aid are the only reason this fic made it to fruition. Upon reading you might notice several thematic references to the ‘Fall of the House of Usher,’ by Edgar Allan Poe and the Greek myth of Tantalus. They are two of my favourite tales, and together they greatly represent the darkened desires depicted in this oneshot.

...

8:55 am KNJ: Good girl.

Your heart races upon receiving the response you’ve been waiting for all morning. The sender had requested proof that you were wearing his last minute gift, and you were happy to oblige with the lewd photo. Finally seeing his simple praise for your efforts makes you grin from ear to ear, as you enter the front door to your workplace’s building. The message will be enough to get you through the day, high on the thought of his praise while his present is wrapped tightly around your ribs. Though the garment may be confining, you’ll endure anything to receive those two simple words.

Reluctantly glancing up from your phone you look ahead to see the elevator closing.

“Hold the door!” You call out, making a run for it. Mercifully the gap between the doors widens allowing you to climb in before it begins the long haul up. Glancing over to your savoir, you find your secretary standing at the panel. “Thanks Jimin.”

“No problem,” he responds with a warm smile. “What floor do you need?” Joking as he pushes the button labelled 14.

You playfully shove his arm while trying to catch your breath. Had he left you down on the first floor there's no telling how long it would be before the elevator returned. The building in which you work has been down to one lift for a couple days, with no promise of when the other will be fixed. It’s not a surprise really, ever since you moved into this complex three years ago you’ve been plagued with breakdowns and shotty utilities. Considering how opulent the tower is, with it’s gilded elevators and halls adorned in finery you expected better, but people often overlook flaws when they have something pleasant to stare at. Allowing the management to slack on some of the failings of the structure.

“Do you think you could send maintenance another message?” You ask your hand clutching your waist to comfort the stitch in your side, no doubt a result of the corset concealed beneath your clothes.

“Consider it done.” Jimin replies, pulling out his phone. “Are you okay Miss?” He asks, your heavy breathing failing to go unnoticed judging from the concern in his voice.

“Fine.” You quickly change the subject, not wanting to linger on your current state. “What’s on my schedule for today?”

“You have a consultation with Mr. Kim of HOC Industries in an hour-”

“Really?” You cut in, confused about the sudden change. “But I just saw him a few weeks ago. Why is he coming in?”

“He didn’t say, I just got a message last night from him stating he required an appointment immediately.”

“That’s not a good sign...” You groan, wondering what information had dropped to spur a need for such an urgent response.

“Afterwards you have an early lunch with journalist Min. Followed by a one o’clock appointment with Jeon Jungkook to go over the new web layout. And the rest of office hours are slated as admin.”

You cringe over the prospect of bookkeeping. Your accountant’s involvement in a recent accident, placed him on an extended leave of absence. Since you are the only other member of your small staff qualified to balance the books, this leaves you burdened with his duties. “Remind me later to make a posting for a temp position.”

“Noted,” Jimin remarks as he continues to scroll through his phone. “Oh and don’t forget, you also have your monthly massage appointment with Kim Namjoon tonight.”

You smile at the thought, you would never forget a booking with him, especially since he’s the reason for your current state of breathlessness. You’ve been counting down the days until you get to see him, with only a few hours left you can barely contain yourself. To everyone who asks he’s a masseur, but the services he provides are far more aggressively intimate than a standard massage. You force a small cough to cover the involuntary moan starting to escape.

“Are you sure you’re okay?”

“Yeah, just tired. I didn’t sleep well last night.” It’s not a complete lie, with the stress from work there have been a lot of restless nights recently, your appointment tonight should help to relieve a bit of that tension. There’s a loud groan as the elevator comes to a stop at your floor. You look up to the top of the lift and over to Jimin with worry, both of you stepping off with haste once the doors open.

Your entire office space consists of only a few rooms. You and Hoseok had started this company only a few years ago, focusing on corporate consultations regarding public image and approval. All things considered you’re doing rather well. With your negotiation tactics, Hoseok's philanthropy efforts, and Yoongi on retainer as your media source, you’ve been able to take on several giant corporations.

As you walk down the hall you find the temperature starting to rise, and upon stepping into your’s and Jimin’s shared office, you’re hit with a wave of heat. You whisper your curses as you check the thermostat which has been jacked to its highest setting and refuses to shift back down.

Giving up on the system you turn to the windows, but even those are a struggle after being neglected for so long. You call out to Jimin for assistance, waiting no more than a second before he is by your side. But even with his help you only manage to open them to the grand extent of a sliver before you’re forced to give in. At least with your office door open there’s now a small draft pervading the space.

“I guess I’ll send maintenance another message,” Jimin chuckles.

“You don’t think he’s trying to push us out do you?” You inquire about the building owner, and one of your own clients. You don’t usually make such bold claims, but with Jimin’s ties to the dubious man, it’s hard not to ask.

“I wouldn’t put it past him. Though I think this is more likely due to his lack of regard for the workmanship going into his properties.”

You nod overlooking the now stuffy room which holds both your desks. It serves its purpose with a sufficient amount of daylight from the large windows, and a partial wall giving you each a bit of privacy. You’d rather not have to leave this building and the status that comes with it, but there seems to be no end with these faulty appliances. “So much for being the height of sophistication.”

While you settle into your workspace you’re already dying from the heat, a sweater and camisole overtop your corset was not the best choice for today, but you didn’t want to risk anyone noticing the garment beneath. As you shuffling through your newsite tabs Jimin readies the coffee maker, returning to you with the first dose of your daily caffeine needs.

“You’re a saint.”

Jimin smiles brightly at your compliment, living for the praise as always. “Do you want some ice on the side?” He laughs as you tug on your sweater to stop it from sticking to your skin.

“Only if I can rub it all over.” You sigh jokingly as you take a sip of the hot beverage.

“I’d be happy to assist.” His smirk and piercing gaze look to be downright serious, his flirtation hitting a new high today.

“Sorry Jimin, I already have a massage appointment later. I think Namjoon would be very upset if you took his job from him.”

“That’s too bad.” He mutters, his lip still curled into a smile before stepping away from your desk. “Let me know if you change your mind. I’d be more than willing to compensate him for his loss.” Jimin has never been shy about his attraction to you, a desire which you most certainly reciprocate, but your own company policies keep the both of you tied to flirtatious word play. With Jimin winning more often than not when it comes to provocative sentiments.

He hangs around on your side of the room, straightening the chairs and stray flies, while you continue your search for whatever prompted the need for your haste meeting. At last you find it, on the featured articles of a prominent celeb news site, with the headline reading, ‘The Dark Desires of the Kim Family Heir.’

Much to your chagrin the issue isn’t regarding your client, but his son. As much as you try to stay out of personal family matters, sometimes they are unavoidable, and this looks to be one of those cases.

‘Kim Taehyung has long been considered one of the most eligible bachelors. He has it all, money, power, and a spot on every top ten most attractive list, but those who have been with him more intimately say he craves something more...’

Your mouth falls open in horror as one of Taehyung's former partners exposes their most intimate moments with him. ‘The Gucci suits and custom cologne are just an expensive mask for the darkness beneath. He would ask to be tied, bound to the bed and struck. He wanted pain and pleasure...’ The further you read the more your chest tightens. You’d rather not jump to conclusions, but you wouldn’t be surprised if it’s true. A fact which must make it all the more painful for Taehyung. You can only imagine what he must be going through, to have such private details exposed and exploited. He’s currently living your worst nightmare, a societal judgement over one's deepest desires. For professional reasons it would probably be best to stay out of this private matter, but you can’t in good consciousness let him suffer alone.

“That bad?” Jimin asks.

“Yeah...” You cover your mouth to hide your shuddering breath, blinking away the tears that threaten to spill on Taehyung's behalf.

Jimin shuffles in behind your desk with you. By lowering himself to read off your screen, his face falls next to yours. His hands come to rest on your shoulders as he leans in to eye the article in question. You should shoo him away, but you can’t help but be curious of his response to those who engage in such practices. As his eyes scan the page his grip on you tightens, his breathing erratic just like yours, with a whispered “‘Fuck,” escaping his lips.

“Are we interrupting something?” A voice calls out from your open door.

Your head snaps over in shock to find your next appointment waiting for you, with his son in tow. You jump up pushing Jimin back so you can greet your guests properly. “Mr. Kim! No not at all, please come in. This must be-”

“Taehyung...” The younger man mutters as he walks in, slumping down in one of the chairs in front of your desk. His sunglasses are still in place, the smell of spirits wafts over you along with the spicy scent of what must be his referenced cologne. He’s a sight to behold, a person of his caliber could make a fortune off his looks alone; he wouldn’t even need a drop of his father's fortune. But of course, that would have been before this public outing of his bedroom tendencies. Now he’s more likely to be seen as a pariah rather than an asset.

Directing the elder to the seat next to him, you take your own once again as Jimin retreats to his desk. You don’t even have the chance to exchange pleasantries before Mr. Kim launches into the purpose of their visit. “I assume you saw the article about my son?”

“I did, but-”

“And? What can we do about it? How can we spin it? Our stocks have already taken a hit.”

“Your son just had a serious breach in personal privacy...” You pause hoping that he’ll have some semblance of a realization that he is not the victim here, instead he simply waits for you to continue. Attempt to hold in your dismay, you give him the only answer you can, “Sue for defamation if you’d like, but whether they are printing fact or fiction the damage is done. The press is still focusing on your family due to your early misdealings in your company. I would argue that if you turn the view of operations around then there is a very good chance that the media will start to back off personal affairs.”

“You can’t expect me to twiddle my thumbs and wait. My shareholders are currently questioning his ability to lead, they might seek to replace him.”

“Good.” Taehyung mutters. “If those prudes have a problem with me, I’d rather not have to work with them.”

You bite your lip to conceal a snort of laughter. Mr. Kim fails to notice but his son seems to have caught your slip, taking off his glasses, he pierces you with a strong gaze.

Kim senior starts up again looking for sympathy and a way out, “Do you know how many of his flings I’ve had to pay off in the past-”

“Maybe you should just stick to your own business.” Taehyung eyes his father darkly.

“They made it my business when they started squealing to the press about what kind of man you are.”

You try to rein the situation in, this battle between father and son having no place in your office. “Mr. Kim! I would actually like to speak to your son for a moment. We can see if there’s a possible remedy for this... exposure.” You stand up, calling over the wall for your secretary "Jimin? Would you mind taking Mr. Kim to see Hoseok?” You turn back to your elder client, practically pushing him out the door into your secretaries’s care. “Jung Hoseok has been continuing his work on your company's philanthropic efforts. I’m sure he would love to show you what he has done with your portfolio.”

“Do you need me to come right back Miss?” Jimin asks with a pleading stare, his eyes flicker over to the young man still slumped in his seat.

“No I think we’ll be okay for a bit.” You mutter to him quietly as Mr. Kim proceeds down the hall. “Just keep him away for a few minutes.”

Once they're both gone you sit back down across from Taehyung with a sigh.

“So are your going to talk some sense into me?” He drawls with disdain.

“Fuck no,” you scoff, rummaging through your drawer. “Can I get you anything coffee, water... advil?” You finally pull out the bottle of pain relievers and offer one to him as you take one yourself, your head ready to explode in frustration over his father.

He tilts his head looking somewhat surprised, “So why did you send him away then?”

“I thought you could use a break. I’ve worked with many people like your father, they all want things done their way, and you’ll never be able to tell them otherwise. He’ll never admit to his faults, and the fact that he’s the real reason the media is all over you. So as long as you don’t tattle on me, we both can make it through this meeting with him thinking that he’s won.”

“Deal,” Taehyung agrees while he chuckles at your ploy.

“Are you sure you don’t want anything?” You offer once again.

“Actually I’ll take some advil.”

“I thought you might.” You poor him glass from the cooler and offer up the pill. When his sleeve pulls back to reach for the cup you can’t help but notice the glaring red evidence of a rope abrasion on his wrist. While he throws back the pain killer, you take another sip of your coffee rolling the bitterness over your tongue before breaching the difficult subject. “It can’t be easy to have the press prying into every aspect of your private life.”

“It’s not so much that they pry, but...” Taehyung hesitates, his brow furrows as his fingers run through his hair tugging on the strands between his fingers. “People know that they can go to them with a story and make money off any relations I have with them. And the press will gladly pay top dollar for what they have to offer.”

“The story is not a complete fabrication then?” You already know it’s not judging from his father's response and the marks on his arm, you just need to hear him say it.

“No, it’s mostly true.” He admits, watching your reaction.

“Then it would seem that your desires might be thought unconventional by many of your past partners?”

Taehyung nods, taking another sip of his water.

“From one unconventional individual to another,” you pause waiting for your own admission to sink in. To your delight Taehyung immediately perks up listening attentively as you continue. “There are more discreet ways to fill those needs.”

“Are you offering?” He asks, raising a brown along with the corner of his lips.

“No, I doubt that I would be very good at meeting your cravings, since we both hunger the same type of... attention.” You smile back at him, rejoicing in your mutual secret. “But I do have a friend who will take very good care of you. I’m going to give you a name and phone number, it’s up to you if you want to contact them, but I can assure you any conversations or actions between you and them will be kept strictly confidential. It’s not cheap,” you explain, but doubt that’ll be a problem for him. “But I assure you it’s safe and private.”

Taehyung can barely get the information from you fast enough once you jot it down. His hands, reaching for the sheet, accidentally knock over your coffee instead, sending the drink in your direction and staining your sweater. “I’m so sorry, here let me help you.” Taehyung jumps up and runs and grabs napkins from the coffee station.

“It’s fine really.” You assure him, making an attempt to stop him as he starts to blot the saturated material.

Unfortunately it’s at this moment that Jimin walks in to see your precarious state. He stands there for a moment in silence before explaining the reason for his return. “Mr. Kim said he needs to leave soon, Miss. He wanted to see if you two were... finished.” There’s glare set in his eyes for Taehyung's forwardness.

“Yeah, be right there, just one second.” You turn back to Taehyung, exchanging the damp napkin in his hand for the paper you had just written on. “Think about it, I hope you’ll give him a call. I don’t give out his information unless I think it will be of help to someone.”

“Kim Namjoon,” Taehyung mutters quietly while reading the slip. “If I were to go see him, would I find you there too?” He looks back up at you, biting his lip after posing his query.

“Likely not, he keeps his sessions very private, but you can always discuss your...” You glance over to Jimin who is still waiting, and well within earshot. “Preferences with him.”

“Then I’ll consider it, thank you.”

After seeing Mr. Kim and his son off, you're left to deal with the stain on your sweater, with only fifteen minutes before you have to leave for your lunch appointment. “Jimin could you call Yoongi and let him know I’m running a little late? I need to stop by my apartment on the way.”

“No need, I’ve got an extra shirt here.” He pulls out one of his own from his desk. “ I know it’s a men’s fit, but I think we can make it work.”

“Why do you keep that here?” You laugh. He only looks at you and the stain with a raised brow, no words needed to prove his point. “Never mind, stupid question, but I can’t take your shirt Jimin.”

“I insist, go put it on.” He forces it into your hands as you double check your watch, your time constraints leaving you with little choice.

Stepping behind the dividing wall, you strip down to your camisole, breathing a sigh of relief that the beverage hadn’t seeped into the fabric of the corset. Quickly throwing his button up over top and tucking it in, you check to ensure your intimate garment is still hidden relatively beneath the shirt before coming back out for his opinion “Does it look okay?”

Jimin nods, but when he reaches out to touch the shirt you recoil, fearing that he will discover what you wear beneath. He chuckles and persists, “I’m just fixing your collar.” He moves in closer standing just a couple inches away. Pinching the two seams of the fabric together, he considers the change. “I think it would look better like this.” You nod, keeping silent as he follows through. Pulling the fabric tight around your throat, your breathing is forced to pause for a moment as he fastens the top button. “Better?” He asks, while his hands linger around your neck.

“Much.” You whisper, as his fingers drift up to hold your chin, with the tip of his thumb dragging along the edge of your bottom lip. You stand there confused as to why your flirtatious game has taken such a physical turn. Although his actions are prohibited and should be censured, you can’t fully condemn them, deciding instead to remove yourself, rather than reprimand him. “I-I should go. I don’t want to be late meeting Yoongi.”

...

It was a productive lunch to say the least, but that was by no means thanks to you. Your focus was distinctly elsewhere. While you toyed with your bottom lip, thinking of how Jimin had touched it just moments before, Yoongi gave you everything you needed to secure several new clients. Even now as you return, disembarking the elevator on to your floor, you still can’t concentrate on the day ahead.

On the walk back to your office Hoseok catches you, quickly pulling you into his own and closing the door behind. “You need to do something about Jimin.”

“Wh-what do you mean?” You ask, nervous that he had seen you two together before you left for your meeting.

“Your client earlier, Mr. Kim, he said that he caught you two acting rather close, making suggestions that you two are involved in a sexual relationship. Usually I would disregard a comment like his but-”

“It’s not true, you know I wouldn’t!” As much as you might want to act on Jimin’s advances you’ve never crossed that line. You know it must have been bad for Hoseok to bring it up, for him to take this serious tone is evidence of his deep concern.

“I know that, but this isn’t the first time someone has thought you two might be a little too intimate. Some of the staff have also considered the notion. And I can see why, the way he looks at you, talks to you...” Hoseok trails off as his eyes linger on your apparel in confusion. “You weren’t wearing that earlier were you?”

“No, I had some coffee spill on me earlier. Jimin was nice enough to loan me his.”

Hoseok tilts his head as he raises his brow as if this validates his concerns.

“He was just being helpful!” You offer, but Hoseok doesn’t look to be swayed, and he’s right, this is a workplace not a morning after situation. “Fine, I see your point. So what do you suggest?”

“Redistribute him, send him my way if you have to, god knows that I could use the extra hand. You could even play it off as a promotion, just get him out of your office.” Your heart drops at the thought, not wanting to give him up. Hoseok seeing this takes a softer tone. “Listen I can see that you like him too. I’m sure it feels good to have his attention, but you need to get this out of your system. You have to put a stop to it. We can’t afford a scandal and you know it.”

With the assurance that you’ll think on the issue, and giving Hoseok your solution by tomorrow, you return to your office. But the problem is far from easy, though you did not lie about your physical relationship to Hoseok, you have been keeping something from him. From all of them. Jimin will never accept a promotion if it takes him away from you. He’s never worked here for the money, he doesn’t need to when his father owns half of the city, this building included.

...

-3 years ago-

“Mr. Lee, thank you so much for agreeing to meet with me.” You pull out the chair to sit across from him. The massive mahogany desk of his placing a rather large distance between the two of you.

“Yes well, my building manager said you were very persistent.” There’s a small roll in his eyes as he looks from you down to the computer in front of him.

“I wanted to discuss one of your properties, an office space in the Madeline Suites.”

He takes a swift glance at your modest appearance with narrowing eyes. “Forgive me, but I believe that location might be out of your price range.”

“Monetarily yes,” You agree. “But we offer services which might be helpful to you.”

“I do not deal in favours. I can see that this meeting was a waste of time, you may go.” He waves the back of his hand to shoo you out, while his secretary grabs the door from the outside.

“I am not asking for a favour, but offering you my services. I’m the co-founder of a corporate image consulting firm. And come this time tomorrow, I believe you’ll be looking for someone within our realm of dealings.”

“And what makes you say that?” Lee asks, his words laced with cynicism.

You lay out the first page of the article which Yoongi had sent you, stretching it across the wooden surface to place it in Mr. Lee’s view. ‘Real Estate Developer Lee Gungsang Faced Prior Allegations of Unlawful Evictions and Price Hiking.’ “This is slated for tomorrow morning’s front page.”

Mr. Lee is quick to send his secretary off, the door shutting once again. “How do you know about this? These cases were settled before they made it anywhere near the courts.”

“I have my sources.”

“Then stop this! I will pay whomever needs to be paid to prevent this from leaching out. You want the office space, it's yours.” He’s voice is desperate, you have him on the hook, the question now is, how long will he let you drag him for?

“That’s very generous of you, but nothing will stop this from going out tomorrow. My offer is simply to help you get ahead of it and lessen the damage.” You explain, revelling in the fact that money can’t hide everything.

“And how do you propose to do that?”

You pull out a contract for your serves. “I will need you to sign off on my services first. A small fee plus a far more reasonable price for a three year lease of the offices on the 14th floor of the Madeline Suites”

“Without knowing your plan, I think not.”

You give him a bright smile before mimicking his earlier statement. “I do not deal in favours Mr. Lee.”

He grumbles while taking the pen, eyeing you with a dark gaze as he signs on the dotted line.

With the ink still drying you hand over another small document. “Here are a few of my suggestions. Twenty percent of the commercial residences that you have just vacated will be handed over to non-profits for a drastically reduced monthly lease. I’ll even let you pick which you want to support.”

He looks up at you mortified. “This is excessive.”

“No this is necessary. I’ve seen corporations do far more than this when they are not dealing with a scandal. Your accountants will agree with me that this is the best move, it can be seen as a donation and therefore tax deductible. For the evicted private residences, I was thinking of partnering with a refugee resettlement program but we can discuss that more in depth later.”

You carefully tuck away your contract in Lee’s file before dragging another concern to the forefront. “I do have one more request, before I leave today.”

“What more could you possibly want?” He scoffs.

You lean in to deliver your short but important demand. “A heads up.”

“I don’t know what you mean...”

“I mean if there are any other past dealings or actions which might impact your company I need to be aware of them.” There’s always more hidden in the dark, you have one of those secrets on hand now. You need to see if he’s willing to be upfront with you on every dealing of his past, otherwise you might be forced to dig him out from another grave a couple weeks from now.

“There’s nothing else.”

“Nothing?” You ask again as you pull out your phone ready to bring forward more evidence.

“No.”

“So the knowledge of you having and hiding an illegitimate son... you don’t think that’s important? The existence of the only child of the Lee empire, isn’t newsworthy?”

“How did you-” The terror in his face looks to be even greater than the prior accusation.

“You attempted to evict all of the residents who stayed in your residential apartment for over 10 years if they refused to agree with a massive lease hike. Park Jimin was the only one who wasn’t touched. He has no record of a job, living off what must be money given to him by his parents, so I looked into them. His father wasn’t listed but his late mother, Park Haesoon, used to work for your company, and 22 years ago she signed a NDA issued by your lawyer.”

You open to Jimin’s public instagram page turning it around for his father to see. “He may take mostly after his mother, but I can still see a few clues to your family resemblance.”

“When does this one drop?” Lee asks in dismay.

“It’s not going to, at least, not from me or my source. We try not to deal in personal life consulting, but I am going to give you some advice in this matter. Get ahead of it.”

“My wife won’t hear of it.” Mr. Lee mutters through clenched teeth, it’s easy to see that this conversation has him very much on edge.

You nod seeing the crux of his dilemma. “I looked into the approximate date of his conception, you were newly married at the time, were you not?”

“Yes. She knows, but her family does not, they have a large political presence and we cannot afford to lose all support from them. Trust me, the boy is not worth the risk.”

“He’s your child!” You berate the CEO, your anger getting the better of you as you think of the emotional toll on Jimin. Not only did he lose his mother but his father won't even publicly acknowledge him.

“I won’t be swayed on this matter. If you have nothing else to say you may leave.” Mr. Lee rises from his desk and once again gestures towards the door. “I’ll have keys to your new office space delivered to you tomorrow along with the lease. But I should warn you, if there is even a whisper of his name in public in conjunction with mine, I can assure you, your so-called firm won’t last another week.”

...

Less than a month later you and Hoseok have moved your entire enterprise to the new office space. You’re holding an open house for several different staff positions, when the most unlikely of applicants walks in your door, Park Jimin.

He hands you a piece of paper which you can only guess is his resume, because your eyes fail to leave his face, your mouth unable to form words in your state of shock. Closing the door behind him, he gives you a nervous smile. “Judging from your expression, I take it you know who I am?”

You manage a single nod, still confused as to why he’s here, now, with you. It’s lucky you’re conducting the interviews alone, otherwise it would be difficult to explain your shock to Hoseok without exposing Jimin’s lineage.

“I’ve been wanting to meet with you,” Jimin confesses, adding sheepishly, “My father told me of your meeting. He said you took a bit of an interest in me, even found my social media accounts.”

“Oh, oh no.” You finally manage to sputter out, far more anxious with the younger man than his father. You never intended to meet Jimin, let alone have him find out you dug into some very personal aspects of his past and present. “I’m so sorry, I didn’t intend to invade your privacy. I was only trying to figure out what was going on. And when I learned the truth, I wanted him to own up to his mistake of hiding you.”

Jimin chuckles lightly, sitting down in front of you, “I didn’t come here looking for an apology Miss, I know why you did it. I merely wanted to meet one of the few people to ever successfully scare the shit out of my father.”

The wide beaming smile accompanying his statement spurs a laugh from you, while also allowing you to relax in his presence. “Sometimes you have to intimidate these people to get them to do the right thing. But I’m sorry I wasn’t able to convince him to go public regarding everything.”

“That’s not your fault. In the end it was just nice to hear that there's someone who thinks I deserve better.” Jimin adds, with a look of sorrow leaching into his smile.

“Of course you do, but I must ask, why come here now?” You take a moment to confirm that it is in fact his resume that he’s handed you. ”I can’t imagine that you need a job.” He’s appearance alone is enough to tell you he’s buried in wealth, though his father has not given him the family name, it looks as if Jimin has gained some of the assets.

“Actually that’s exactly what I was looking for.”

“Your father didn’t pressure you to come here to keep an eye on me did he?” You ask with scepticism. Keeping watch over possible threats wouldn’t be a completely off brand for those of his status. And with you knowing some of his deepest secrets you could likely be considered one of the biggest risks.

“No.” Jimin chuckles, briefly raising his hands in surrender. “I promise I’m here of my own volition. Money isn’t my biggest concern, I’ve been hoping to build connections. I want to use my time wisely and work with someone who is worthy of my focus, and that just so happens to be you.” He finishes with a suggestive smirk, making you wonder if you’ve won his affection too.

“And what does your focus get me?” You ask, trying to weigh the benefits versus the risk. You doubt that Mr. Lee will respond kindly to you hiring his son, but if he continues to deny his son’s existence then what right does he have to disagree?

“Anything you require. I was interested in the posting for your secretary, but any position beneath you would suit me nicely.”

...

There’s no way you’ll be able to convince Jimin to willingly change roles and work for Hoseok instead. But you can’t deny that your co-founder’s points are valid.

Jimin greets you warmly as you enter your office. “Did you have a nice lunch?”

“Yeah, it was good.” You respond, forcing out a smile.

“Really? Because you look upset.”

You curse Jimin’s ability to read you at a time like this. “I promise, lunch was fine. Yoongi gave me some substantial leads.” You sigh sliding back in your seat. With your values shaken and morals questioned by Hoseok, you are deeply in need of someone to brace yourself on. Wanting to step out of the realm of responsibility and control even if it’s just for a moment, you make a request to Jimin. “Would you go fetch Jungkook for our meeting?”

“I can just call him in.” He makes the case looking reluctant to leave your side.

“Please Jimin just go get him. I need a few minutes for a personal call.”

Jimin looks at you crestfallen before finally leaving. It’s not often you keep things from him, he can scope you out too well for that. But Kim Namjoon’s actual role in your life is the one secret you feel is the most imperative to hide from him.

You pull out your cell, not wanting to use his number on your work phone. After two rings he picks up. “Couldn’t wait a few more hours to hear my voice baby girl?”

You're too embarrassed to admit he’s right, settling on another excuse for your call. “N-no I just wanted to let you know that I’ve sent someone your way... sir.”

“Don’t lie to me I can hear the need in your voice.” He chuckles lightly as he taunts you. “Your reference already reached out to me. I’m excited to play with him, is he just as handsome as he sounds?”

“More so.”

Namjoon hums on the line in gratification. “My babygirl, giving me another pet to play with.”

You blush from the praise. Taehyung makes the sixth person you’ve suggested following the charity ball you met Namjoon at a couple years ago. Where he, much like you, was secretly scoping out potential clients. Every one of those patrons you’ve given him since then has been his pet, but you, you’re his babygirl.

“I was wondering...” Namjoon’s carries on, in a tone far more hesitant than usual. “Tonight would you be willing to try something a little unconventional? Would you like to share him?”

“W-would that be okay?” He’s never suggested adding another to your sessions before, but you can’t deny you’re intrigued by the prospect.

“He mentioned an interest in you, and after discussing his needs I feel that I require someone other than myself to pin his desires on. You’ll be the carrot while I’ll be the stick. Do you think you could do that for me?” Namjoon proposes in a low purr dragging every heated thought and possibility to the forefront of your mind.

“Yes sir.” Your response is instant, with little thought required. Helping Namjoon with Taehyung? You’d be a fool to turn down the opportunity. There’s a small knock on your office door with the return of Jimin and Jungkook trailing behind him. You start to panic while still on the phone with Namjoon. “I’ll see you later then?”

Namjoon can of course detect the change in your tone, but instead of letting you off the hook he pulls you further. “Did someone walk in on you babygirl? I take it they don’t know about this side of you?”

“No they don’t.”

“No sir.” He calls out your lack of decorum, an error which you know you’ll pay for later. “Such a shame they’re missing out. What do you think they would say if they knew of my plans for you tonight? How I intend to hang you like forbidden fruit above another man. Do you think they would approve?”

Your eyes widen as Namjoon continues and Jungkook takes the seat in front of you with Jimin standing behind him. You clear your throat and hold up your finger to them, gesturing for another minute. Turning away to hide your face as you continue to try and end the call. But hanging up on one’s dom is never advisable, condemning you to listen for as long as he wishes to torment.

“I bet you would like them watch, wouldn’t you?” Namjoon asks, egging on your sinful thoughts, transferring them from Taehyung over to your co-workers.

You shift your thighs trying to dispel the building need as you consider the notation of them watching. Imagining Jungkook’s wide eyes taking in the sight, likely with a hand on his cock, he’s an innocent man with strong desires. You’ve known others like him before, they act with naivete but when confronted with an opportunity for more, they don’t hesitate to gorge on what is presented to them.

And Jimin, would he accept your darker needs? You wish he would, desperately wanting him to play along, to help mould you into submission. Your head now filled with thoughts of kneeling before him taking him in your mouth while he christens you a good girl. If only you could be sure that he wouldn’t react like most people, like those who condemned Taehyung. Your eyes flutter back over to your secretary who is looking at you with deep suspicion. You desperately need to end the call or risk giving yourself away. “I should probably-”

“Am I embarrassing you baby girl?” Namjoon teases with an amused laugh. “Does that mean I’m right?”

“Yes...”

“Yes sir.” Namjoon reminds you once again. “I’ll release you for now, but I better see you here at seven o’clock sharp. Is that understood?”

You breathe a sigh of relief at the release. “Yes sir.” After finally hanging up, you offer up an apology. “Sorry about that.”

“Who was it?” Jimin inquires with a soft tone, but a quick lick to his lips shows his intentions to be far from innocent. His clenched fists and hovering nature further pointing towards jealousy.

“No one important.” You smile through the lie, careful in your attempt to comfort him. It’s pointless to keep acting in this way, but you still can’t bear the thought of disheartening his feelings or pushing him away.

...

After your meeting with Jungkook, you're left with a stack of paperwork and your ever persistent lack of concentration as you try to figure out what can be done with Jimin. Should you just tell him the issue, would it help or would it make the situation worse? If he knows how he is perceived then will the affection stop, and if it does, will you struggle with that loss?

“Can I walk you to your car Miss?” Jimin asks with his jacket in hand. You check the time, reading just after five. So lost in thought you had accomplished almost nothing in the last few hours of the day.

“I think I might just stay here until I have to leave for my appointment, I still have a bit more work to do.” You explain rubbing your hands over your face as you pull yourself from your daze.

“Do you want me to stay too then?”

“No, I couldn’t ask that of you. But before you go I’d like to discuss something” You gesture to the seat across from you which he takes with hesitation. You’re usually not so formal and he can clearly spot the difference. You open your mouth and pause trying to find the right words as his eyes shine in your direction. The evening sun pouring into the room bathing his skin in with golden light makes it so much harder to stick to the issue at hand. You eventually resort to staring at the irrelevant papers on your desk as you open with your concern.

“I’m worried that our actions towards each other imply that our relationship is not strictly professional.” You blurt it out quickly, hating every word that crosses your lips.

“Have I been making you uncomfortable Miss?” Jimin’s expression falls along with his question, the heartbreak ringing out clear in his voice.

“No, no. It’s just, I’m concerned about how others see our interactions.”

“Oh, so someone said something to you then?”

“Hoseok mentioned that a few people think we appear to be a bit more than boss and secretary.” You know it cowardly to bring Hoseok into this, but the information is second hand. You can’t be sure what others have said exactly.

“Well you do know more about me than most.” Jimin laughs lightly.

“That’s not what they are implying. They think we are engaged in a sexual relationship.”

“And...” He draws the word out as if the implication is nothing, implying there should be a better reason for your concerns.

“We aren’t Jimin!”

“Well, there's only one way to fix that.” He stands up leaning towards you over your desk. “You can’t say you haven’t thought about it. We could keep it a secret if you’d like, no one has to know.”

You doubt Jimin could keep a relationship between the two of you hidden, with the way he dotes on you already, you’re one passionate night away from finding three dozen roses on your desk. “Someone would find out, and the fall out-”

“Fuck the fall out,” Jimin states with resolve, reaching out his fingers tucking back a strand of your hair before curling beneath your chin. “I’m tired of this charade. Hoseok only said something because he’s jealous. He’s jealous that you want me as much as I want you.”

“Jimin,” You whisper. “Even if that was the case, that still doesn’t make it right.” You pull back from his touch. “You should go. Think about what I said, because if we can’t maintain at least some level of restraint and professionalism... then you might be better off working for someone else in the office.”

“So you’d rather keep your social image than be happy with me?” Jimin accuses, the usual warmth having completely vanished from his face.

“It’s not like that. My standing is my life, it’s my career, any blemish would destroy everything I have.” You attempt to express the fear inside you, the weight that bears on you every day. You already have so many secrets and liabilities, but one as close and extensive as a relationship with him might finally crush you and everything you’ve built. “I like you, I really do, but I can’t take the risk. You have to understand, I’m not like you. I don’t have a secret trust fund to fall back on.”

Jimin looks as though you’ve stabbed him, pulling away he heads to the exit. “I’m sorry I’m not worth the risk. You know, I thought you were better than that, but it would seem you’re just like everyone else.”

The door slamming between you echoes through the office as you sag in your chair. Never in all your years have you ever sunk so low. By taking him on you wanted to ensure Jimin’s happiness, to show him his value despite the lack of acknowledgement from his father, but now it seems you’ve fallen into the same role as those who have hurt him before.

...

You type your code into Namjoon’s door, stepping into his hall quickly and shutting the door behind you. It’s just before seven and usually you find him in his living room already waiting, but today it’s empty. Not wanting to disturb him, you take a seat on the couch and wait patiently for him to join you.

You feel ready to fold in on yourself as you continue to dwell on your argument with Jimin. If you laid out boundaries earlier you likely wouldn’t be where you are now. Hating yourself over his confession, and your inability to accept it.

There’s movement from the bedroom door as Namjoon’s partner Seokjin comes out to greet you. You look up in bewilderment as he takes your hand, pulling you off the couch. “Namjoon has already started with the other client, so he sent me to fetch you.”

You nod understanding Namjoon’s divergence from the norm, it wouldn’t be safe practice for him to leave Taehyung alone in a precarious position. Now looking to the door with curiosity, you’re excited by what lustful visions will greet you on the other side. But when Seokjin presents something to you it’s clear that you won’t get to see those sights.

“You’ve been asked to wear this.” He holds out a wide silken strip, one that Namjoon has used as a blindfold in the past. You allow Seokjin to cover your eyes, with a touch far more gentle than you know Namjoon’s to be. You don’t want kindness, craving instead to be broken in by the man in the other room, especially after the damage you’ve done today. The loss of your vision will have to be punishment enough for the time being.

“Does he want me to undress too?” You ask, touching the silk over your eyes, you're completely blind and already longing for the next step.

“No he wishes to save that pleasure for himself.”

You smirk thinking he might, you’ve been wearing his gift all day it’s only right that he gets to see it first.

There’s a knock and a click of the door before Seokjin takes you in hand again, leading you in. The air is warmer and heavier than that of the living room, making it impossible to draw a fresh breath.

Seokjin pushes down on your shoulder, a wordless order to kneel. The plush carpet meeting your knees as you lower yourself, if only you could reach out to get a better sense of what’s in front of you, but form dictates that you keep your hands on your lap.

The bedroom door closes, signalling Seokjin's departure. Sending one last wave of clean air before you're smothered once again. Locked away for the night with your master and his new pet. There’s a small creek from the mattress and the familiar rattle of restraints against the bedpost. You can just barely make out the tone of Namjoon’s low whisper as he speaks to the current tenant of the bed.

Footsteps land to your left, muffled by the wall to wall but still sending vibrations through the floor. As Namjoon approaches, your heart pounds wondering what his first move against you will be. He takes his sweet time letting the anticipation build as your chest continues to heave in its attempts to take in the thick air. You keep your posture, maintaining your stance with the knowledge that he will inspect you. Head lowered, hands on thighs, perched on your toes as your knees dig into the ground. Your legs soon start to tremble as your feet strain to bear the weight.

Namjoon settles right in front of you, the slow draw of his breath reaches your ears, while the heat of his exhale hits your face. A hand trails up the outside of your thigh stilling the tremor in your legs with a forceful grip. You freeze wondering if your jitters will cost you, you can’t let him find fault not if you want him to reward you with his presence.

But as he takes your chin tightly between his index and his thumb, you know you're in the clear. He tilts your head up as you breathe a sigh of relief. “Such a good girl, setting the perfect example.” His fingers slide down petting the column of your throat with a firm touch. “I was so happy to receive your picture this morning, did you wear the gift all day as ordered?”

“Yes sir.” You pant back, eager for him to see for himself.

“It wasn’t too hard for you then, to go so long in such a confined state?”

“No sir.”

“Good girl,” He purrs in your ear as he starts unfastening your shirt. He hesitates on the buttons for a moment. “Babygirl, would you care to tell me why you're wearing a men’s shirt?”

You swallow not wanting to admit that it’s the fault of the man currently lying in his bed. You plan to take the fall, wanting Namjoon’s undivided attention even if it’s in the form of a punishment. “I spilled something on mine sir.”

“So clumsy.” He has the shirt completely off now revealing the corset for him and likely Taehyung to see. Namjoon helps you to stand, unzipping your skirt he pushes it to the floor. You feel so helpless without your sight but Namjoon doesn’t seem to mind assisting. He uses the soft fabric of the shirt to dab at the sweat beading on your skin. “Who, may I ask, clothed you in theirs? Such an expensive label, he must think highly of you.”

You shift in place, made uncomfortable by your inability to answer. Knowing if you say his name thoughts of him will be summoned to your mind. You don’t deserve to think of him at such a time, not after you led him on and left him dry.

“You don’t wish to tell me?” The feel of Namjoon’s breath leaves you, the sounds of his feet indicating he’s moved to the right of you. Heading to a space you know to be occupied by a table and closet full of his tools. There’s a scrap of metal and what sounds like the jingle of buckles.

“No sir.”

“And why is that?” Fingers trail up your arm as Namjoon signals his return to your side.

“Because I’m not allowed to have him sir.”

“A noble response.” Namjoon reasons while he wraps the leather strap of a familiar collar around your neck. “But I still plan to get that name from you before we’re done.” He buckles it swiftly checking the tightness with two fingers. You thought him finished but he progresses to cuff your wrists in leather too, tethering them together in front of you.

He leans in again with a hushed request, “Still know your safe word?” You nod repeating is back to him before he leads you on towards the bed.

Namjoon stands behind you as he presents you to his new pet. When you gave Taehyung Namjoon’s number you hadn’t been expecting this but you can’t deny enjoying the prospect. But you find the silence and lack of reaction from him unnerving. “I asked him not to make a sound,” Namjoon explains, “And he’s abiding by my rules so well it’s he?”

Namjoon takes your hands helping you to feel the current state in which Taehyung is interned. A Leather cuff just like yours binds one of his wrists with a short chain leading to bedpost. You imagine that his other limbs are restricted to the other corners of the bed, for Namjoon has bound you in the same state before.

“Can he see?” You ask Namjoon wondering if he has been left blind too, or if he’s eyes are watching you now.

“Can he see you? He can babygirl, in fact, he hasn’t looked away once, and why would he?” Namjoon sits you down on the large bed to join Taehyung before pulling down the matching underwear to your corset. “They’re so wet, have you been soaking these all day?”

You nod in response. A delighted Namjoon makes an offer to Taehyung. “Would you like a taste pet? A reward for being so good.” Namjoon revels in his situation with a chuckle, the man beneath you must have nodded. “Then open up.” You know what a taste means for Namjoon, those panties of yours are most certainly shoved into Taehyung's mouth. He lets out a groan of satisfaction at the welcome intrusion.

Namjoon’s hands find your waist dragging you up further on to the bed with your knees now resting on the mattress. “You’re going to straddle him for me babygirl.” He shifts you over pulling up one of your legs to settle them on either side of the man beneath you. Your knees bent with your calves coming to rest against his bare hips. Without his billowy clothes he is far more slight than you expected, but his skin feels firm and toned.

You slowly move to lower yourself knowing what you will come down on top of as you sit, but Namjoon seems to have other plans in mind. He takes your bound wrist, lifting them above your head and latching the cuffs to a chain in the rafters of the canopy bed. Once fixed in place he tests your limitations, a quick tug to show you even with your arms fully extended you are only able to lower yourself to half a kneel. You groan in frustration with the realization you can’t move any closer to the cock that rests below you. It’s just as he promised, hung like forbidden fruit above another man. Your dominant’s flare for the poetic never failing to surprise you.

“Problem babygirl?” Namjoon cooes in your ear. “Do you have something you want to say?”

“No sir.”

“Good, because if I recall you still need to be punished for your lack of formality on the phone earlier today.”

Your stomach drops as you realize he’s going to discipline you right now, in full view of Taehyung. The heat rises to your face at the thought of being demeaned in front of another. Namjoon’s hand cups your bare ass, readying it for the assault. “You failed to call me sir twice, three for each lapse should do it.”

While the first strike eases you in, those that follow are not so gentle. The ring of his index biting your flesh with each impact. The third strike is so strong you pivot forward on your knees, your back arching as you bare forward still confined to the corset and chains. The weight of your body pulls painfully on your shoulders for a brief second, but Namjoon is there to catch you. Stopping you before you can slip and more, and propping you back in place before continuing.

One hand lays firmly on your stomach to prevent the shift from happening again, while the other rubs the curve of your ass mapping where he should strike next. You can feel the warmth in your skin as the blood rises to the surface in reaction to his beating. Your nerves are caught in the struggle between pain and pleasure, even as the sixth and final blow lands.

“Good girl.” Namjoon whispers his touch disappearing, as you ease down against your restraints. You hang completely by your wrists while your legs quake from the shock. Every nerve in your body feels as though it’s been left on fire with nothing to quench the flames. Leaving you to hang there for what seems like eternity.

“Sir?” You whisper in the dark as the heat continues to build inside you. Wondering where he has gone your body reacts, begging for the return of his attention with a dripping cunt. And with Taehyung below that can only mean the steady drip of your arousal is left to fall on him.

“Babygirl you’re making such a mess.” Namjoon confirms along with a groan from the man beneath you. “But he appears to be leaking too. Do you want some?” You nod eager for a taste.

Namjoon obliges, grabbing your throat in one hand, he presses a damp finger to your lips for you to take. Your mouth latches over the offered digit, allowing the bitter fluid to sweep over your tongue. You're forced to let it sit there unable to swallow as the grip on your throat tightens, with the strap of the collar digging into your skin. Your mouth fills with saliva prompting you to close it despite your desperate need for air.

“Does he taste good?” Namjoon wickedly possesses knowing you can barely even nod. It’s when you start to tremble that he finally releases your airway.

You swallow quickly before letting your mouth hang open in a pant. With your lungs still restricted by the corset your breathing comes in short shuddering waves. “Yes sir, so good.”

“I think he likes having you drench him, shall we give him more?”

“Please.” You beg but Namjoon suddenly delivers a staggering blow to your backside, indicating your misstep. You’re left gasping from the sudden impact, swinging in the restraints as you try to recoil. “Please sir.” Your plea comes again this time with the proper decorum.

There’s a crinkle of what sounds like a condom wrapper as Namjoon readies himself behind you. His fingers damp with lubrication find your back entrance, your tight hole giving way to a single finger. “You’ve been training for me like I asked?”

“Yes sir.” You almost come at the thought of it along with pleasure with the swirling digit. You’ve dabbled in anal before testing out a few toys, but a few weeks ago he sent you a plug with a tapered t-shaped end, giving you strict orders to wear it to work the following day. Unfortunately that was the date you had scheduled a meeting with your whole team. You were a flustered mess as you fought through your presentation, Jimin’s presence by your side making it so much more difficult to maintain control of your arousal . But the full day of public and torturous stimulation was worth it, for the reward that night was a call from Namjoon. His orders led you through every action of self pleasure. Telling you when and where to touch before finally directing you to come. You’ve used the item several times on your own since, knowing your practice would help you in this moment. You wanted to make Namjoon proud and take him with little resistance. That desire now intensified with having Taehyung as an audience.

“Then you're ready to take me in front of him?”

You nod gripping chains of the restraints as Namjoon eases into you. “Just relax.” His hands glide down your shoulders and back, coming to rest splayed across your hips, the tips of his finger root under the corset and dig into your stomach. Your grip eases as you lean back into him. “That’s it.” He mutters quietly as you stretch to accommodate him. “Good girl.”

After taking a few inches Namjoon pushes down on the front of your corset bowing the metal latches back to so they release, with a few clicks and swift presses the garment is off allowing you to breathe deeper than you have all day.

“God you should see him babygirl, he’s so ruined by the sight of you. You have him panting for you.” You wish you could curse Namjoon for his choice to blindfold you and silence Taehyung, you would take any punishment that came of it, but all you can muster is a gasp while he continues to fill you more. “I wonder how he’ll react,” One of Namjoon’s hands leaves your hips coming to rest with something soft against your aching clit. “When he sees you come.” With a click the object vibrates, throwing you back completely onto Namjoons cock from the shock.

You catch Namjoon’s lustful groan between your cries. He starts to thrust inside of you one hand gripping your chest while the other holds the vibrate down in place despite your bucking hips. It doesn’t take long for you to completely fold. As the heat inside you finally reaches its peak you shatter, your head falling back on Namjoon’s shoulder as you convulse and moan. With nothing for your cunt to clench your legs grip the trussed man between them. He too lets out a sinful groan as the fluids from your fold continue to drip down your legs meet his adjoining skin.

Namjoon turns the device off and slips out, the bed shifts as he moves in front of you. When his hand cups your face you lean into his touch. “You okay?”

You nod hoping he’ll be lenient with your lack of speech. You hear him whisper as he checks in with Taehyung too. “I’m going to take these now.” Namjoon must finally be freeing him from the waded underwear of yours.

Namjoon’s hands find you again, playing with the arousal dripping down your legs as he drags his fingers up to the source. A finger grazes your folds slipping between without penetrating. You pull desperately against your restraints hoping that it might find its way inside.

“So are you going to tell me who you’re not allowed to have?” Namjoon asks again. “Or do I have to let you hang here all night?”

“My secretary...” You give in with a whisper, hoping that Taehyung won’t hear.

“And what’s his name? Say it and I’ll give you what you want.”

The deal is too good for you to resist, you last only a couple more seconds before finally giving in. Crying out, “Jimin,” as two of Namjoon’s fingers breach you. Your sopping slit squelching as he curls his fingers.

“There it is.” Namjoon sighs, his other hand brushing your cheek. “Is he the reason you’re so worked up tonight babygirl?”

“Y-yes sir.” You stutter as his fingers continue. He gives you another minute of bliss before removing his digits.

“You’re going to do something for me, okay?” Namjoon asks. You nod as he continues to hold your face. “That man between your legs, you are going to fuck him and imagine Jimin as you do so, is that clear?”

“Yes sir.”

“Is that okay with you pet?” He asks the other occupant, who still remains silent with his answers. The sound of another condom wrapper, comes as your confirmation. Taehyung lets out an unexpected high pitched whine, likely due to the pressure that comes with the latex being rubbed down his shaft. You’re already so invested in the lie that he’s even starting to sound like Jimin.

Namjoon is once again behind you. You can hear the rattle of the length of chain that holds you up and as he sinks back into you, his cock slipping in far easier this time, your body gladly welcomes the fullness of his intrusion. He then lowers you inch by inch, with little strength left in your legs you are relying only on the restraints and Namjoon to hold you up. After gaining a bit more freedom you can feel the tip of a cock brushing up against you. Namjoon’s arm comes to rest on your thigh as he lines the erection up for you to take it inside. It’s a slow descent, as you stretch to accommodate both of them. Your thankful Namjoon’s mercy for easing you down gradually.

When you bottom out Namjoon pulls the chain down from the rafters he releases the length from your cuffs, but rather than discarding it he attaches it to your collar, tugging on it as if it’s a leash. Though your hands are still bound together you have the freedom to rest them on the man laying down in front of you. You take pleasure in dragging the tips of your fingers across his skin, feeling his abs flex and his cock twitch inside you as you do so.

Namjoon starts to thrust, keeping a close hold on your collar. While he pushes you are sent up and down on what you desperately want to be Jimin’s thick cock. After a few thrusts you are shoved forward entirely by Namjoon, colliding with the man beneath you. Your chest is pushed into his, as your bound hands are pinned between the two of you. While your head is left to rest on his shoulder, the tip of your nose is able to graze his neck. As you breathe in your mind continues to play tricks, the smell coming off him mimics that of the cologne your secretary wears, rather than the scent of Taehyung.

Namjoon must have unbound his legs as they bend up to cradle your own from behind his hips bucking into yours, with both men taking you at a steady pace.

You move in closer to his neck, with a lick you taste the salt of his skin showing your intentions. Biting down on the spot, you suck in deeply as your teeth dig in even harder. The carnal groans you receive from him sending shivers to your spine. There’s the sound of a soft slap, Namjoon didn’t hit you, but the man beneath you returns to his ordered silence.

Namjoon thrusts even harder, pushing you into his chest repeatedly. The thought of being fucked into Jimin’s embrace is too much to bear. Your cunt clenches as you continue envisioning your secretary, and how you're grinding your clit against his pelvis.

You cry out over the swelling girths inside you, knowing their both likely to come soon. Clenching down one last time you dissolve in the pleasure and contentment. Namjoon finishes first remaining inside while his pet comes too. He leaves you there laying upon your imagined Jimin, in your daze you can barely move let alone focus on reality. With a wave of exhaustion you start to slip from consciousness, but not before one last praise reaches your ears. Your delirium grants you the satisfaction of hearing the voice of Jimin whisper, “Good girl.”

...

You can’t remember the last time you slept so well. You woke early to find Namjoon had taken care of you in the night, he released your wrist cuffs, and removed your blindfold, after you had passed out from the physical exertion. The only restraint to remain was your collar which he asked you to wear today. Taehyung was sadly already gone, but you can’t deny it was nice to have Namjoon to yourself before you left.

Now as you head off to work, showered and freshly dressed, with a turtleneck hiding your gift, you check your phone for the first time. Finding a string of apologetic messages sent from Jimin in the early hours of the morning. You reply apologizing too and asking to revisit the subject as soon as you get into work. Thankfully he agrees, the smiling emoji he ends his text on sends a wave of relief through you.

You step in the front entrance of your building ready to handle and objectively listen to Jimin’s thoughts and concerns. While you wait for the elevator your phone vibrates listing a call from an unknown number. “Hello?”

“Hey it’s Taehyung. Hope you don’t mind, I stole your personal number from my father.”

“Taehyung...” Heat starts to rise in your face at the thought of last night. The elevator arrives and you quickly step in. “No, not at all, to what do I owe the honour of this call.”

“No need to be so formal,” He giggles at you.

“Sorry, habit,” You respond. “What can I do for you?”

“I wanted to thank you for yesterday...” Taehyung starts off.

But his words are soon interrupted by someone shouting, “Hold the door.” You comply, pushing the button to keep them open, while trying to keep your focus on your conversation with Taehyung.

“...It’s not often that I meet someone who I can be so open with. I called the man you recommended and I’ve scheduled my first session with him tomorrow.”

You freeze, unable to fully comprehend what he’s saying, surely he misspoke. It can’t be his first session. “W-what do you mean your first session is tomorrow? You were there-” The collar hidden beneath your turtleneck feels as though it’s tightening around your throat. “Last night, I saw you-” The line goes dead as the elevator closes and starts to ascend. It was Taehyung in the bed with you and Namjoon last night. You saw... nothing you saw nothing because of the blindfolded that you were asked to wear.

“Everything okay?” You jump at the sound of the other voice, forgetting that some else had gotten into the elevator. Looking up you find Jimin there beaming at you, his head tilted from his query.

“Namjoon,” You flutter with your phone, too panicked to even greet your secretary properly. “I need to call Namjoon.” But the line won’t connect, not with you in the elevator. “Fuck...” You try again your patience not willing to wait the minute it’ll take to disembark on your floor.

You are almost there when the elevator shudders and stops. The sudden halt sends you off balance, but Jimin’s there to grab hold of you before you can fall. You thank him before stepping back and putting a bit of distance between the two of you again.

Jimin turns his attention to the panel, pushing the call button, he waits for someone to answer, but the call remains silent.

While he continues in his attempt to make contact, every scene of the night before floods back to your memory as you try to piece everything together. It was Taehyung, it had to be. He must just be playing a stupid joke. He was surely going to shout ‘gotcha’ before the phone disconnected, but you won’t know for certain until someone can get you off this blasted lift. You sink to the floor and Jimin follows, unable to reach anyone on the outside.

Despite your best efforts to rationalize what happened, your panicked breaths fail to slow, Spots start appearing in your vision as the elevator sways around you. Your breakfast threatens to make another appearance on the polished marble floor.

“It’ll be fine. Someone will notice soon.” Jimin attempts to comfort you but even that won’t quash the fear raging inside you.

“It’s not just that...” You whisper. “Something happened last night. I need to call Namjoon, I need to figure out...” Who was actually in that bed with you. Your confusion and panic break free sending you into a fit of tears as you hug your knees to your chest.

“Hush, it’s okay.” Jimin readjusts, moving in front of you and taking your hands in his. He leans towards you as he whispers in your ear. “Don’t cry babygirl.”

Your eyes snap to look at Jimin in alarm. Your prior worries are nothing compared to the terror which takes hold now. “H-how do you know that name?” Your stuttered words barely make their way past your lips.

“I think you know the answer to that question.” He pulls at the collar of his shirt allowing you to spot a large red mark on his neck, right where you had bitten the man you once thought to be Taehyung. “I wanted to wait a bit longer, I wanted more moments like we had last night but it would seem that someone had to go and ruin it.” You pull back but Jimin’s hands shift to take hold of your wrists, mimicking the manacles that embraced you the night before. “Are you not happy babygirl? You got your wish. And I... I got what I’ve always wanted.”

“This is so wrong Jimin! You knew I thought you were someone else! You knew that I wouldn’t have done that last night if I knew the truth.”

“Even though I was the one you really wanted babygirl?”

“Stop calling me that! Just because of what happened last night does not make me yours. You lied to Namjoon. You said that I sent you. You told him you were Taehyung!”

Jimin gives a wicked laugh in response to your accusations. “Oh, but you are mine. Namjoon is the one who’s been keeping things from you. He’s been in my employ far longer than yours.” He coos as his fingers tighten their grip on you. “I was the reason you were introduced to him, and I was the one who bestowed you with that name shortly after.”

“No, that’s not possible, Namjoon and I, we met at a charity event.”

“Hosted by my father. Where I told him to make himself known to you, to entice you to become one of his pets. I may have acted the sub last night but I am the one who holds Namjoon’s reins, I always have.”

“No he would never do that! He’s considerate and-”

“Had so much to gain by dominating you on my behalf. Money, power, and an assurance of safety, he would’ve been a fool to turn my offer down. Especially since you were so willing to play along with him. I dare say he enjoyed his time with you, but I was the one who permitted him to touch you. I was there to listen, to read, and to direct every conversation. Those gifts he told you to wear to the office, they were all from me.” He lets go of one of your wrists to pull down the neck of your shirt. Revealing the leather band strapped around your neck. “Today it’s the collar, yesterday it was the corset, and a few weeks ago...” Jimin smirks as he recalls the memory to your mind. “You barely made it through that meeting thanks to my gift.”

It’s impossible to swallow the admissions coming from him, but regardless of what may be true or false, you won’t stand for any of it. “You’ve had your fun, but this ends now.” You reach up attempting to remove the collar but Jimin pushes you to the floor pinning your arms above you as he straddles you. The elevator wavers from the struggle, teetering as you lay captive beneath him.

“I don’t think you understand the situation you’ve placed yourself in. I hold in my possession your darkest secrets. One’s that will ruin you if they make their way out. Your illegal activity with a sex worker, your inappropriate sexual conduct with your secretary. Not to mention the names and dubious activities of every client you’ve recommended to Namjoon’s services.”

“Why... why are you doing this?”

“Because you found me. I worked so hard to exploit my father from the outside, getting everything I wanted without the threat of public exposure. I couldn’t let you ruin it all. When we first met I considered you a threat, but then I saw how easy and enjoyable it was to mould to my will. The more intimate you become with someone the more power you give them over you. Simply being your secretary isn’t enough, not if I want you in a more pliable state.” Jimin hushed whisper mixes with a haunting giggle as his lips come to your ear. “I plan to bend you to fit every one of my needs.”

“You’re psychotic!” You lash out trying to throw him off but he stems your revolt by planting himself further down on to you, sitting on your chest as the elevator sways.

“Psychotic? No, I am simply a man who found his passion amidst his revenge. I know what I desire, and vengeance has taught me how best to take it. So if you want to keep yourself and everything else around you from falling, I suggest you play along like a good girl. Or I promise you, my punishments won’t be as kind as what you’ve experienced before.”

“What is it that you want?” You ask, already fearing his answer. He has you trapped in a gilded cage with him, where one misstep will send you plummeting to meet your end. Nothing that comes accompanied by such threats can be palatable.

“At work? To keep the status quo, I’ll remain your secretary, only so I can keep a better hold on you.”

“Hoseok won’t agree to that. He already thinks I should ditch you. I should have listened to him.”

“Then you will make him agree or he might have an accident, much like your accountant did. He too thought we were too close, even threatened to say something. Don’t worry I saved us from him, just as I’ll save us from Hoseok if you can’t convince him to back off. Do you think you can get him to agree now?”

You give a solemn nod, with Hoseok on the line you have no choice.

“After hours, we’ll drop the middleman.” Jimin lowers himself further on to you, laying down on top, his weight flattening you to the floor. With his head coming to rest on your restrained arm as he whispers further plans. “Every night you’ll come to me instead, and every morning you’ll have a new gift to wear. When we step off this elevator you’ll act as if nothing is wrong. You will go about business as usual, is that clear babygirl?”

You stifle a sob staring directly up and away from his eyes, not daring to give him the satisfaction of your fear. With little else to cling to, all you can do is agree for the time being, as much as it pains you, you choke out your compliance. “Yes...”

“Yes what?” Jimin purrs, his lips faintly touching your ear. “Address me properly, or I will find ways to discipline you right here on this lift.” His fingers tighten and nails bite into your skin.

“Yes sir,” you whine as a plea for him to stop.

Jimin mercifully lessens his hold on your wrists, hitting you instead with a smirk and befouled praise. “Good girl. I knew you’d finally see that I’m worth the risk.”

...

4K notes · View notes

thecleverdame · 5 years

Text

Control and Release - 19

Series Masterlist

TEDTalk!Sam x Reader

Summary: With the rest of the staff caught in a snowstorm, you find yourself acting as a personal assistant to the notorious Sam Winchester.

Warnings: Dom/Sub, humiliation, embarrassment, sexual objectification, mutual masturbation, spanking, cum play, fingering, anal play, orgasm control, nipple clamps, dub-con, breath play.

Beta: @ilikaicalie

Words: 4k

Parts 20, 21 & 22 are currently available on Patreon for a monthly pledge of $2.50. This includes early access to all my stories and Patreon exclusive content. >> CLICK HERE <<

Sam’s lying on his back staring at the ceiling. One hand is spread over his chest, strumming his fingers, lost in his own mind. Is he nervous? Perhaps he’s uncomfortable having you here, now that the two of you are this undefined thing. You’ve been in his bed countless times but you can recognize this feels different.

“I feel like you’ve got something you need to say,” you throw out there, wondering if he’ll even respond. In the past when you asked a question he didn't like, he just ignored you.

“I don’t like labels,” he answers without skipping a beat.

There it is. Sam is just a guy, after all. A guy worried about labels and expectations. This must be killing him.

“I know,” you sigh.

“It’s ridiculous.” He’s disgusted. “Are you my girlfriend? Are we in middle school?”

“You hate being like anyone else, don’t you?”

“Yes,” he retorts immediately, then lays there as a million silent thoughts swirl between you.

“So, we don’t define ourselves. Not right now, anyway. I don’t need a title to be with you.”

“Good,” he nods. “Neither do I.”

“But there are things that I do need,” you continue, feeling him suck the air right out of the room. “I need commitment. I need you to tear up that contract. I need you to push yourself, it’s gonna be uncomfortable.”

“I’m well aware.” His voice is even, resigned. He already knows all this but it still had to be said. After all, Sam always lays out clear expectations for you, so you figure he deserves them in return. Shifting gears he looks at you, reaching over to grab your wrist. “How do you feel this morning?”

“Better,” you explain. “A lot better than yesterday, not too overwhelmed.”

“I’m glad. I was worried about you,” he confesses easily.

He was worried. He cares. The thought is still a novelty.

“There’s work I need to do. I have conference calls all morning and all the senior staff are meeting downtown after lunch. This is going to be a mess, I can’t expect anyone to work in a building where people were murdered, we’ve got to figure an alternative workspace.” It’s not that he’s callous, well, yes he is, but he’s also running a billion dollar business. Shooting or no shooting he’s the person who makes sure all the balls stay in the air. “Will you be alright going to the doctor on your own?”

“Of course. I’m not falling apart, I’ll be fine.” That part is true, right now you're don’t feel much of anything.

“My schedule will balloon as the week goes on. If you need me you’re going to have to tell me so Pepper can rearrange my schedule.”

The office is closed for an undetermined amount of time but that doesn’t mean there aren’t legions of employees working from home, keeping the campfires burning while the situation evolves.

“It’s alright, really. I’ve actually got a lot I need to figure out. I was supposed to leave for Chicago. I sold all my furniture, gave up my apartment. I donated most of my clothes to Goodwill. I’ll stay busy.”

You watch him grimace, a look of pure displeasure pulling the corners of his mouth down. He takes a breath and clears his throat.

“You can stay here, with me,” he offers, looking at the ceiling fan.

“That’s not a good idea and we both know it. I’m here a lot as it is. Besides, you don’t really want me to move in.”

“No, I don’t,” he confirms, watching for your reaction. “It’s not you, I want you, I-”

“We both need our space, Sam.” You let him off the hook. “I don’t expect you to leap from weekend sex partner to a white picket fence. I get it.”

This seems to relax him a little, his face going slack and then another thought comes to him, this offer less laden with dread.

“You can stay at my place in the city. I’m only there a couple of nights a week.” He looks proud of his compromise and you hate to disappoint him but this isn’t what you want either.

“A couple of nights a week and the weekends is damn near close to living together. I want to get to know you organically. If this is forced I don’t think we’ll even have a fighting chance.”

“We don’t know each other?” he counters.

“No, we don’t.”

“What do you mean? We know each other.”

“Sam, you probably know me more than I know you, but we don’t really know each other at all outside of how to give each other an orgasm. We’ve got a lot to learn about each other.”

“Okay,” he looks like you’ve just given him a month to live.

“Why does that make you so uncomfortable?”

“I’m not sure there’s much to know.” He shrugs.

“Sure there is. Under all that well-manicured exterior you’ve got a lot going on, there’s a human being. I’ve seen him from time to time. That’s the guy I want to know more of. I want your past and your future. I get that’s going to be hard for you.”

“You might not like what you find.”

“Stop doing that. You always talk like I don’t know what I’m getting myself into. I know the very idea of opening up makes your skin crawl. But you’re gonna have to try. We both are.”

“Is this the start of you telling me what to do?” There’s a sly little smile, a hint of levity.

“Well,” you grin. “I can’t be submissive all the time. Sex is one thing but I’m a complicated person. I’m not always going to do what you tell me. That part of our dynamic has its place, but I need to be able to speak my mind. I’m one of the few people who’s going to tell you no.”

“I have no doubt.” Sam nods, clearly in his own thoughts.

You lie there a while longer, still struggling with the art of organic conversation.

“Your dad taught you how to do crazy stuff, huh?” you ask quietly.

He side-eyes you, taking a breath. “A lot of stuff I wish I could forget.”

“You saved lives, that has to be worth something.”

“I suppose.” He tilts his head back into the pillow. “It’s a miracle anything good could come out of the mess he made of our lives. I am the way I am because of him. Dean and I both suffered, we just dealt with it in different ways. In another life, you’d see my face on the five o’clock news too.”

“Why was your dad like that?” you whisper.

“My mother died. It was a house fire but dad couldn’t let it go. He couldn’t accept that the person he loved most was killed by faulty wiring. He needed to believe that it was bigger than that, some looming evil. Over the years he convinced himself, and my brother, that monsters existed.”

“Monsters, like...evil people?”

“No,” he snorts, turning his head to look at you. “Monsters like ghosts and demons. He brainwashed himself and then my brother. Even as a kid I knew something wasn’t right. The stories he’d tell. He pulled Dean out of school. We lived out of a car and motel rooms until I finally had enough and left to go to college.”

“I’m sorry,” you’re not sure what else to say.

“Don’t be.” Sam gives your arm a soft squeeze. “I need to get up, I’ll see you tonight.”

The day is filled with menial tasks that help distract from the weight of real life. You go to Macy’s in an attempt to flesh out your wardrobe and scout out a couple small apartments for rent. After lunch is your first appointment with a female therapist that you end up liking. It’s just the first session and you don’t really get into anything but you like her. There’s something about her that reminds you vaguely of your grandmother and you’re already looking forward to going back.

It’s almost midnight when Sam comes home, wandering into the kitchen where you’re eating peanut butter toast over the sink.

“Hello,” he looks at you, setting his briefcase on the counter.

“Hello,” you return, staring at the veins in the back of his hands as he sets a stack of mail on the counter. “Did you have a good day?”

“I don’t know about good,” he huffs, shrugging off his suit jacket. “It was productive.”

He looks at you, holding something back and then moves toward the pantry.

“Sam, can I ask you something?”

“Of course,” he plucks a seltzer from the refrigerator and cracks it open.

“You haven’t touched me. I’ve been in your house, in your bed and you haven’t really touched me, not like you used to.”

“That’s not a question,” he volleys back, setting the bottle on the countertop.

“I guess it isn’t.”

“I didn’t know if that was something you’d want...or you’re ready for.”

“I’m not broken,” you inform him, slinking closer. “I’m ready.”

“I don’t have to be so...demanding. We can start slow and-”

“No.” You stare at him, both hands on the counter. “What happened, the shooting, made me feel like there was so much that’s out of my control. And there is. But when we’re together you’re in control and I trust you completely. I need you to be in control of me.”

He blinks, that familiar hungry look spreading from his eyes to his mouth. He shifts into a role that’s clearly much more comfortable for him, his hand palming the crotch of his pants.

“Take your clothes off.” It’s a straight forward, uncomplicated command that carries so much weight behind it. Those words are how he’s started almost every encounter from the beginning and it feels like a lifetime since last he said them.

You strip, shimmying out of your jeans, and pulling the tank top over your head. Your bra comes off next, leaving only cotton panties that you put on out of habit. He looks from your covered pussy back to your eyes, saying nothing. You leave them on and pull at your ponytail, letting your hair fall around your shoulders.

“I told you not to wear those.” He blinks, taking one step forward.

“I didn’t listen,” you look up at him, biting your lip. “I did a lot of things during the last couple of months. I used my vibrator, I put it inside me. I came without your fingers or your cock in my pussy. I’ve broken a lot of rules.”

Half of that is a lie. But it doesn’t matter, you want him to discipline you. You want his hands on you hard and dirty and rough. The punishment is always your favorite and you’ve craved it like you’ve craved his scent on your skin after he fucks you.

After everything that’s happened you want the intimacy of this sexual connection, boundaries, and limits he knows how to push, even when you don’t.

His eyes set, locking on your face with an expression that might be anger? Arousal? With him, it’s hard to tell, but it’s the exact reaction you were looking for. With two steps he’s got one hand in your hair, twisting until you’re on your tiptoes.

“Living room,” he growls, walking behind you, guiding you out into the main living area and toward the couch. After a final yank, he releases your hair, pushing you forward over the arm of the couch. “Bend over.”

You comply, quaking with excitement as you place open palms on the cushion, sticking your ass out.

“You need a reminder,” he explains. There’s a rustle of clothes, you know the sound well. You stay in place, prone and exposed as he rolls up one sleeve, then the other. After a moment his hands are on your ass, kneading your cheeks through the cotton. His thumb presses forward, wedging the material into your pussy. You’re already wet, the panties sticky with arousal as he confirms your excitement. “No panties was the first expectation I set for you. Did you forget?”

“No, I didn’t forget,” you confess, waiting for the reaction. But there is none, he doesn’t say a word as he hooks his fingers into the elastic and drags your panties down until they're around your thighs.

Crack.

The first snap of his hand comes down on your ass with a speed and force that knocks the air right out of your lungs. You yelp, face dropping into the cushion as a throbbing sting bursts to life. He’s not playing around.

“What do you say?” he asks, standing tall behind you, hands on his hips.

You know what he wants, the usual thank you that gets him off. But you have other plans.

“I don’t think I’ve learned my lesson,” you pant, getting back up onto your hands, assuming the position.

He grunts, taking a moment to look at your backside before inflicting the next set.

Crack.

Fuck. Tears spring from your eyes as you blink wide trying to control your response. This is right at the edge of your well-defined limit. These are the unyielding blows he’s only used twice before.

Crack.

The next two are just as bad. You’re glad he can’t see your face because the tears would stop him. This isn’t the normal trickle from the corner of your eyes, this fucking hurts, these are tears of pain but there’s also something else underneath. The agony making the ache between your legs grow and pulse.

You want more.

“What do you say?” he asks again, a hand resting on your lower back as his thumb strokes back and forth.

“Harder.” The request comes as a plea, a desperate sound as you wiggle your ass back toward him. “Please, harder.”

There’s nothing and then he’s moving to the side, one hand pressing his weight into the base of your spine to keep you in place. His free hand is working at something and in a second your suspicions are confirmed when you hear his belt slip from its loops.

“Tell me what this is for?” he asks, the sound of leather on metal making you hyper-aware.

“I disobeyed,” you whisper, pressing your face into the couch. “I’m sorry, I need you to teach me a lesson.”

Then he gives you exactly what you need and you tip off the edge of that former limit and freefall into a new abyss of pleasure and pain.

Crack.

The leather of his belt bites into the tender skin of your ass with sickening precision. You cry out, flinching as each stroke crosses over the previous, the pain bordering on unbearable. While it hurts it’s also incredible. You feel more alive than you have in a long time, squirming under his unrelenting hand.

Your clit is throbbing, pussy clenching and nipples hard as pebbles. In this kind of heightened state of arousal, you want all the vicious, wild fantasies that normally only cross your mind right before you cum. He could do anything he wanted to you when you’re like this and you’d get off on it.

You’re not sure if you can take it, but you still ask again. Your fists clench into a ball, fingernails digging into your palms.

“Harder,” you beg.

Crack.

The lick of the belt strikes twice more and you rock forward, feet kicking as you suck in a breath.

“Thank you,” wheezing you turn your face to the side to take a full breath, feeling your backside thump with each beat of your heart, now racing in your chest. “Thank you.”

His fingertips ghost across your ass as he admires his handiwork. He’s never left a mark on you before, at least not from a spanking, but this will. You can already feel it.

“Get on your knees,” he instructs, his hand on your arms to help you up. When he sees your face he stops for a fleeting moment, wiping away tears before helping you sink down onto the carpet. “Open your mouth.”

You look up at him, bracing both hands on his thighs and taking his cock into your mouth.

“Right down your throat, take it all,” Sam orders, two hands curling into your hair to keep his shaft deep. It’s been a while and you gag at first, finally relaxing your throat and letting him begin to fuck you slow and rooted. He makes strained sounds, grunts, and groans only loud enough for you to hear.

There’s only the sound of his enjoyment and the wet, squelch of him fucking your mouth. Spit drips down your chin, eyes watering as you fight to take him deeper and deeper until his balls are rocking into your chin with every stroke.

You’re sitting on your heels and you can feel the aftermath of his belt as you suck his cock with enthusiasm. You probably won’t be able to sit tomorrow, but it's worth it. No one else can make you feel like this. There’s a freedom in submission, letting someone else take total control and releasing that part of your mind. There’s no thought, no outside desires, just this moment and the way your body responds to every touch and stroke.

His hips speed up and you feel him getting close. You prepare for the taste of him on your tongue but instead, he pulls out, leaving you a panting, drooling mess looking up for instruction.

“I’m not even close to done with you,” he snaps, fisting his wet cock from base to tip. “Get up and get yourself into the bedroom.”

Your hands are tied behind your back, fastened securely with that notorious belt at the base of your spine. One of his ties is wrapped around your eyes, and your own white panties are balled up and shoved in your mouth as a gag.

You’ve been sitting in his lap for the better part of an hour with his thick, hard cock deep in your cunt. He hasn’t let you move, just sitting with a slick pussy stretched around his girth as he plays with your tits.

Your right nipple is on fire. He’s been taking turns sucking on them, but your right has become his favorite as his teeth sink into the swollen flesh, drawing a muffled groan from your lips. Your other nipple is caught between his thumb and forefinger, pinching hard and tugging until you think you can’t take anymore.

And your ass is on fire, those lashes left pain that springs to life as the hair of his thighs scratches over your buttocks.

You’re so fucking wet you can feel the slippery slide of your thighs over his, your arousal leaking from around his cock as you squirm, muscles tightening around his length. If he even gets near your clit you’ll cum. There’ll be no asking for permission, you’re desperate and right on the edge of slipping into ultimate pleasure as his mouth pops off your nipple, and his fingers close around the wet peak.

He’s got both nipples between his fingers now, pinching hard and twisting slowly, back and forth as you groan and sweat on top of him.

Sam’s taking his time.

“I’m going to cum on your tits,” he promises, voice low he pulls both nipples upward until they’re painfully taught. “Or maybe your face...would you like that? Make you get on your knees with your hands tied behind your back and cum all over this pretty face...let you have a little to swallow.”

“Ahmm,” you nod yes, hissing as he works your tits. Before Sam, you never really had the desire to have man a blow his load on you, but right now you’d beg him to cover you in his spunk.

“Do you want to cum?” He asks softly, swapping back to suck on a sore and aching nipple.

“Heeze!” You garble enthusiastically.

Reaching up he pulls the panties out of your mouth, letting you take a normal breath.

“Ask me for it,” he commands, slapping your breast lightly.

You wiggle and groan with his cock stuffed deep, more eager to please him than he could probably imagine.

“Please let me cum, Sam, please.” You’re not ashamed to beg, grinding your hips downward, beginning to rock back and forth. “I wanna cum and I want you to cum all over me. Please, I wanna taste you so bad. Please. Please.”

“Fuck,” he grunts, lifting you off his cock with a flex of muscle. He hoists you easily over the side of the bed and deposits you onto the floor, reaching down to take your makeshift blindfold off.

You gaze up at him expectantly, sticking your tongue out as he thrusts his cock in your face and strokes himself. Moving closer he wedges a foot between your thighs, letting your clit rub against his shin bone.

“Make yourself cum,” he offers mercifully.

That wonderful combination of humiliation and desperation sets in as you urgently rub your cunt up and down his leg, leaving him wet with your slick. In no time you cum, jerking and moaning with your mouth open as your pussy clenches painfully around nothing. It’s an immense relief after all this time, humming and vibrating from head to toe.

Sam jerks himself faster until he’s spurting all over your face, coating you in hot ropes of seed, making sure to get some in your mouth. You’re still cumming as you swallow his spunk. He lets the head of his dick tap your cheek, then slides between your lips for a gentle suck as he comes down from his own peak.

“Shit,” he sighs, finally pulling his cock from your mouth. “Here,” he drops down to his knees, releasing your hands then thumbing cum off your cheek. “I forgot how perfect you are.”

“We need a safeword,” Sam suggests, stepping into the shower behind you.

“Why?” you ask, looking back at him. “I guess I always thought our safe word was stop.”

“That’s fine, it can be, but we’ve never talked about it. I never thought we needed to be that...structured,” he explains, stepping under the spray.

“But we need one now?”

“We need one when you want me to leave those kinds of marks on you.” He nods toward your ass and you twist around trying to get a look at yourself.

“I don’t know what got into me, I just wanted it.” You blush, offering a small smile. “Too far?”

“No,” he shakes his head, slicking hair back with two hands. “I told you, as long as you’re getting pleasure from it, then I am too. But if we’re going to venture into a territory where you end up with bruises like that, I need to be one hundred percent sure that you want it. It would be easy for me to really hurt you, and I have no desire for that.”

“Okay,” you agree, looking him over from head to toe. You hope your new status, whatever that might be, will allow you this view more often. Sam is a beautiful man, long and lean and strong. He’s something to be admired and you’re the woman for the task. “Well, our safe word should be ‘stop’ then. No confusion.”

“Agreed,” he looks at you, water dripping from his hair and pulls you close, lowering his mouth down for a kiss that still feels forbidden. His lips are so soft compared to everything you just did, a sweet kiss that’s the cherry on top of a truly satisfying evening. When he pulls back he stays close, eyes sweeping over your face. “You should stay here with me until you find an apartment. I work so much you’ll have the place to yourself most of the time. I would like it if you stayed.”

“Then I’ll stay,” you confirm, leaning into him. “Just until I find something.”

Parts 20, 21 & 22 are currently available on Patreon for a monthly pledge of $2.50. This includes early access to all my stories and Patreon exclusive content. >> CLICK HERE <<

#sam winchester fanfiction #sam winchester smut #sam winchester x reader #Sam Winchester Fanfic

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pain-somnia · 6 years

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October Prompt: Blood Title: Something Rating: M (for minimal sexual content) Day’s Notes: one of the monthly prompts from the ss server (don’t ask me for an invite I can’t invite you, you have to DM the mod @saradacchi ); if I’m feeling better I may continue this in a second part in fact I already started it; this idea came to me while I couldn’t focus on my wips so I typed it away; yes it’s a vampire au, the prompt called for it

The rules were simple. No drugs, no alcohol, no extreme diets. A donor couldn’t be underweight and they had to submit themselves to bi-weekly physicals. Sexually active donors were to be screened for sexually transmitted diseases frequently.

Sakura just wanted to pay for school.

She knew there were negative connotations to being a donor. Selling blood to feed the vampiric citizens of the world was looked down upon by her fellow humans, despite the fact that blood donations were part of the peace treaty between the two species and were supposed to be anonymous.

Sometimes were anonymous.

Being a donor was supposed to be impersonal. A human went to a blood bank, got their blood drawn and they would receive a check from the government every month.

The process was advertised the same way fertility clinics advertised egg donations. The vampires only wanted young and fit donors to keep the blood of a pure quality that was safe for consumption.

Humans provided healthy blood and vampires protected them from those that would slaughter them for their meals, unnecessarily killing a human when there was no need to drink them dry to feed.

In order to supply the vampires with the blood they needed for nourishment, the human government paid citizens as an incentive to keep them donating.

And Sakura really needed the money. Med school wasn’t going to pay for itself.

It was tough to juggle school work and a job. And although donating paid well it wasn’t lucrative enough on its own.

At least not when she was a cold donor.

For a price, vampires could get their blood fresh, straight from the source. It was the preferred way to feed but not all vampires could afford it. Before the treaty they took it as they wanted it, but without knowing the source well they left themselves vulnerable to disease.

Vampires were stronger and they lived longer, but they weren’t invincible.

. .

Eight o’clock on the dot there was a knock at her door. He was always punctual.

Turning down the corner of the page she was on, Sakura set her book down and gave herself one more once over in the hallway mirror.

Her guest could have entered anytime he wanted. Not only was he too strong for the lock to keep him out but Sakura had given him a key to her apartment already.

“Is it because I have to invite you in?”

“It’s because my mother raised me better than that and she would skin me alive if she knew I was coming and going as I pleased from a woman’s home.”

Sakura was learning that a lot of the myths she grew up with about vampires were false, stories made up by humans to give them a false sense of security.

“You’ve been staying up late again,” was the greeting she received. Sasuke pushed past her with two bags of groceries in hand.

First myth debunked: vampires needed an invitation to enter a home.

“What gave that away?” Sakura retorted sarcastically. She knew she had bags under her eyes from late night cramming. “I just finished exam week.”

“Which means you haven’t been eating properly of course,” Sasuke muttered, pulling out packaged meat and vegetables. A head of garlic rolled on the counter and Sasuke stopped it before it could roll onto the floor.

Second myth debunked: vampires were weak against garlic.

Instead of taking out garlic from Sakura’s diet, Sasuke had added more of it. Garlic apparently had properties that helped her maintain healthy blood circulation and reduced levels of LDL cholesterol.

The pungent odor was irritating but of course it would be considering vampires had a heightened sense of smell. But that’s all it was, just a small annoyance.

“What are we making tonight?”

“Stir-fry.”

Her favorite nights of the week were when Sasuke came over. They would cook meals and chat━her more than him━and it would feel a little like what having a boyfriend was like.

It felt even more so like that when they made their way to her lumpy couch and Sasuke trailed his fingers under her shirt and up her back.

“Sakura…” Sasuke breathed against her sternum. His fingers trailed back down her back, smoothing over her waist before settling on her hips.

She chanted his name as she rode him, his hands on her hips guiding her movements hidden under her skirt. Sakura pressed her body closer━wanting more, aching for more.

Sakura was just reaching her peak when a sharp pain stung at her neck.

Right. That’s what he’s here for…

Sasuke lapped lazily at her neck in tandem with his final thrusts as he came down from his own release.

“Enjoy yourself?” Sakura muttered as she watched Sasuke lick his lips, savoring every drop of blood.

Sasuke kissed her instead of humoring her with a response. His tongue rolled against hers and there was a coppery after taste.

“You should brush your teeth after eating.”

Sasuke only laughed through his nose and kissed her again.

. .

“Fangbanger.”

Sakura dropped her hands from her task of tying her hair up and glared at the other occupants of the gym locker room. The other women whispered to each other in the corner of the locker room, an occasional snicker coming from one of them.

Ignoring them, Sakura stuffed her bag into her locker and tied her hair up as she walked past them, not caring if her bite mark showed.

Not all warm donors had the kind of relationship she had with Sasuke. Most vampires met their donors at the blood bank and had their meal. Most donors weren’t as exclusive but she and Sasuke were one of the exceptions.

. .

“So you’re like...a cop?” Sakura eyed the uniform Uchiha Sasuke wore to their interview.

“That would be the equivalence, yes.”

Sasuke shifted in his seat. Sakura narrowed her eyes at the action not sure what to make of it.

Why would a vampire be nervous of a human?

“How old are you?”

“Not a very original question,” Sasuke scoffed. He sighed and rolled his eyes. “Twenty-three. We’re not all ancient. The oldest vampire I know is my great-great uncle Madara.”

“Oh. We’re almost the same age…” Sakura expected him to be much older than her, not only by a year.

“So you’re a student?”

“Yes. I’m studying to be a doctor.”

Sakura tucked a strand of hair behind her ear. She expected a question about the color but it must have been obvious that it was natural. Donors weren’t allowed to bleach their hair.

“It’s weird trying to get to know each other like this, huh Uchiha-san?” Sakura wrung her hands in her lap. “The technicians are sitting fifteen feet away from us and it’s just kind of unnatural. I guess it’s like if I went and talked to the pig that would eventually be part of my katsudon.”

Sasuke frowned, the corners of his mouth pulling down and a wrinkle forming between his perfect eyebrows.

“My mother said to treat this as an omiai.”

One of the technicians cleared their throat and Sasuke threw a glare in their direction.

“Oh.”

“Ignore the fact that I’m a vampire.”

A very hard task when there wasn’t a human alive she knew that looked anywhere near as beautiful as the man in front of her. He was more beautiful than most vampires she had seen in passing as well.

“We are learning about each over tea, seeing if our ideals match up, and figuring out if we want to enter a commitment with one another.”

Yeah, sure. Sakura wanted to roll her eyes but held back. And we ignore the fact that you’re paying to snack on me.

But he was her age and beautiful and when he did speak he was smart and funny, although what he usually found humorous was to tease her.

“Because of my work hours it would be more suitable for me to make house calls instead of coming in at the allotted appointment times the facility schedules. Would that be an issue?”

“That would actually work better than having to swing by the blood bank.”

Sakura was relieved. The blood bank was out of the way and even though they reimbursed her for the travel expenses she was usually cutting it close when it came to her class schedule or would have to take an entire day to be two cities over.

“Then it seems our preferences match.”

Sasuke smiled at her, just wide enough for her to catch an elongated canine.

“What’s your blood type?”

. .

After that meeting they set up a schedule for when Sasuke would meet with her for his feedings.

Sasuke would typically come early evening before his shifts but sometimes he would text her or call her to let her know he wouldn’t be coming around until late.

But on the evenings he came early he would bring groceries or hot meals.

“If vampires don’t need to eat why do you know how to cook?”

“Food is enjoyable but it doesn’t fill us or keep us healthy the way it does for humans. It’s sort of like what candy or coffee are to humans. You don’t need it but it’s something you enjoy.”

A knock on the door at nine o’clock had Sakura shuffling to her front door. It wasn’t until she opened the door did she realize that she hadn’t eaten dinner yet.

“Of course.” Sasuke looked down at her impassively.

“I have been studying for the MCAT.”

Sakura squeaked when Sasuke pressed his nose to her throat. His breath was hot but it caused a shiver to run down her spine.

“You’re becoming iron deficient,” Sasuke scolded her as he pulled away. “How many meals have you been skipping?”

“I get busy and I forget,” she mumbled, following Sasuke into the kitchen.

She cringed when he opened her fridge and turned to glare at her. He gestured to the nearly empty fridge and silently demanded and explanation.

“I’ve been really busy.”

“You’re going to collapse one of these days.”

Sasuke packed her fridge up with groceries and pulled out what he needed to prepare a pasta dish. Sakura never brought it up but Sasuke seemed to have a preference for western dishes made with tomatoes.

“How’s work?” Sakura asked. She sat on the counter swinging her feet as she watched Sasuke bustle around her kitchen. “Same old, same old?”

Sasuke nodded as he offered her a plate of food.

“I hate paperwork.”

“It can’t always be chasing down out of line vampires,” she giggled before stuffing her mouth with spaghetti.

Their evenings were quiet but Sakura enjoyed the company. Especially when he kissed her gently, just the two of them in her kitchen.

“Sasuke-kun?” Sakura questioned as Sasuke pulled away from her.

“My break is almost over. I have to head back.”

It wasn’t the first time he left without feeding. And just like the other times Sakura was confused about where they stood.

. .

He didn’t sleep over often but there were times he came over really late and crawled into bed next to her. Sakura would wake up, curled against another body, and smile fondly at the sleeping face of the vampire next to her.

Her bed was too small for two but it didn’t stop Sasuke from slipping under her covers and entangling his limbs with hers.

We’re strange aren’t we?

Sakura couldn’t put an exact name to it, but their relationship while odd was something.

Not just vampire and donor. Not just friends.

But something. Right?

. .

Sakura stared at the bottle the technician slid across the counter to her.

She was waiting for the results of her monthly pregnancy test, something donors with the capability had to submit to if they were sexually active. Although she was on birth control they had to make sure.

Humans couldn’t be donors if they were pregnant.

“Why do I need to take supplements?”

“Because although you are in perfect health, the vampire assigned to you has still been collecting cold donations.”

The technician flipped through the file in her hand and nodded to herself.

“Uchiha-san seems to not be getting all of the nourishment he needs from his warm donor—you, Haruno-san—which is unsettling. If the supplements do not help then there may need to be a change in assignment.”

A different technician approached them and handed a slip to the technician handling her physical.

“Results are negative. You are clear to continue your donor duties. We’ll see you at your next appointment.”

Sakura nodded and collected her appointment reminder and her supplements.

. .

Her thighs were his favorite place to bite. Usually.

Sakura’s brows drew down in confusion as she tried to catch her breath. Instead of the usual nips that followed, Sasuke dragged his lips up her torso, pressing kisses on her stomach.

“Sakura,” he panted, voice breathy against her ear as he thrust inside of her.

Vampire. Donor. What did it matter when it was just them, connected, and he touched her the way he did? Said her name the way he did?

We’re something, right?

Sasuke kissed her as he came, moaning into her mouth. Sakura cupped his face in her hands and held him to her, wanting to be closer, not wanting to let go.

. .

It wasn’t until rays of sunlight broke through the crack of her shutters and she woke to the steady breaths at the nape of her neck that she realized that he hadn’t bitten her at all the night before.

Maybe, just maybe, it wasn’t just about that.

#sasusaku #ss fanfiction #day!fics #vampfiction

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lifestylejournaling · 6 years

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Masterlist of Lifestyle Journal Ideas

I was going to post images with each listing, but 100 pictures on one Tumblr post was quite a task. So, if you’d like to see examples of any of these, I am adding them to my Pinterest Board which can be found [here].

1. Books To Read- Color them in as you go! Or make a fun list of them and check them off one at a time.

2. All About Me- Make doodles of things you love, add quotes, draw yourself!

3. Future Log- There are so many ways to make this page. Please do some research to see which would work best for you

4. Movies To Watch- Pretty self-explanatory, but there are many ways to do this page too

5. Skills To Learn- Jot down all the things you want to learn

6. Important Numbers and Addresses- In case of emergency of course. Also, be careful what you put in this part for your own privacy reasons

7. Year In Pixels- Honestly, one of my favorite pages

8. Fonts, Banners, and Frame Ideas- For practice and to choose from when you are having trouble being creative

9. Snail Mail Log- Keeping a list of people who you want to send letters to

10. Savings Tracker- It’s always fun to see how much you have saved up

11. TV Series Tracker- Keep track of all the shows you still need to binge

12. Monthly Challenges- I know I haven’t been helpful with this lately, but you can always search for challenges on my page

13. Music Playlists- A list of songs that describe you, your goals, things you love, etc.

14. Timeline of Your Life- This was hard for me to make. My life isn’t all that exciting

15. Inspiration Page- Fill it with quotes, pictures, memories, etc.

16. Self-Care List/Ideas- I posted many lists like this on my Pinterest if you want more ideas

17. Monthly/Yearly Memories- Look back on all the good and bad things that you’ve gotten over and endured.

18. Sleep Tracker- See how many hours you get each night. This also works well when paired with number 7.

19. Me Time Log- Keep track of how many hours you spend with yourself. We all need to learn to love on ourselves a little more.

20. Tiny Adventures- Go out of your comfort zone and go on some tiny adventures like reading in public, talking to a stranger, giving people compliments, etc.

21. Word Tracker- For those who are writers who like to procrastinate

22. Daily To-Do List- This can be done on your weekly pages or you can make a page specifically for daily sticky notes.

23. Blog Post Ideas- Got an idea, but you’re not at your computer or have what you need for your post? WRITE IT DOWN

24. Fitness Log- Keep track of how much and when you work out or stretch or do yoga or and of those fun physical activities.

25. Food Log- If you’re trying to lose weight or just get healthy or just want to track your food intake for fun, this is for you!

26. Meal Prep- I love how cute and helpful these pages can be.

27. Gift Lists- Ever see something and say to yourself, “Man, ____ would really like that”? Keep a list of things people would like so that you don’t worry about it when it comes to holiday time or birthdays.

28. Grocery Lists- Every time I go shopping, I forget something because I didn’t write it down.

29. Goals- Oh, yes! It’s 2018. We need some goals. Monthly, weekly, daily, YEARLY. Just get some goals and aim for them.

30. Recipes To Try- I see nice recipes all the time on Facebook, but I never think about them again after I keep scrolling. It’s bad.

31. Daily Affirmations- Give yourself some compliments and some emotional support

32. Business Plan- Make yourself a good businesswoman or businessman or businessperson in 2018. You got this.

33. Birthdays- Keep track of all those important people in your life that need to be remembered on their special day.

34. Work Hour Log- Sometimes we don’t keep track of all the things we get paid for. Actual work, babysitting, photography jobs, writing jobs, pet sitting, house sitting, etc.

35. Wishlists- Not so you can #treatyourself, but so that you can make note of things you really want.

36. Gratitude Log- It’s always good to have a moment of gratitude with yourself. Make it a monthly challenge if you need to!

37. Quotes- Your own, friend quotes, celebrity quotes, author quotes, and lyrics.

38. Illustrations and Doodles- Doodling helps you keep your mind fresh and ready to react quickly to situations.

39. Jokes- Your own, ones you heard, ones you read, etc.

40. New Discoveries and Interesting Facts- Find a new interesting fact? How about that lemonade is basically Sprite in almost any other country than America?

41. Travel Log- Places you want to go! There are so many ways to do this, so look up different versions before starting!

42. Family and Friend Favorites- Their favorite colors, animals, stores, places, hobbies, etc.

43. DIY Projects- Things you want to try out someday.

44. Chore List- Keep track of when you do your chores so that your house doesn’t become disgusting or dusty.

45. Bucketlist- What do you want to do before graduation, moving out, marriage, having kids, etc.

46. Story Ideas- I always come up with story ideas and then when I sit down to write them, I blank.

47. Period Log- For people with periods that have many PMS symptoms or even PMDD symptoms. This is a great way to show your doctor all of the things you go through each cycle.

48. Words That Make You Happy- Silly words, ugly words, words that are fun to say, etc.

49. Things That Make You Happy- People, places, and things.

50. Monthly Habits- Water intake, cleaning, bathing, exercising, reading, etc.

51. Story Titles- This can be titles for books, short stories, poems, or just nice sounding titles for anything.

52. Made Up Words- I make myself laugh with all the words I make up on the daily.

53. Follower Counter- This page keeps me inspired to keep doing what I love.

54. Index- Always have an index for easy access to the pages you want to find.

55. Icons- Sometimes we need to have icons to make our pages pretty. Sometimes we make too many icons and never use them (me).

56. Packing List- For those who travel often or stay at friends’ houses more than our own, it’s good not to forget the things we need.

57. Morning Routines- Our bodies need routines for mornings to get us ready for the day.

58. Nightly Routines- Our bodies need routines for nights to prepare us for sleep. (see what I did there?)

59. Weight Tracker- If you’re struggling with your weight, keep a chart tracker or add your daily weight to your calendar.

60. Pen Test Page- If you get new pens, highlighters, or markers, its best to test them out before using them.

61. Brain Dump- Sometimes we just need to jot down ideas or thoughts. It’s okay if they don’t make sense.

62. Spending Log- Keep track of what you spend because you might need that someday.

63. Water Tracker- HYDRATE

64. Habit Tracker Reward System- This is something I came up with myself, so if you have questions, message me!

65. Name Lists (For Babies and Stories)- Keep a list of cool names for characters or even future babies.

66. Looking Forward To...- Birthdays, holidays, raises, pay days, vacations, etc.

67. Compliment Lists- Make a list of your go-to compliments, your favorite ones people have given you, etc.

68. Level 10 Life- Please look up what this is before jumping into it!

69. Pet Care Log- Keep track of how much you do with your pets. Walks, play time, park time, play dates, baths, etc.

70. Achievements- What have you done that you are proud of?

71. Weekly Log- Keep track of your week. This is one of the most used pages in any bullet journal honestly.

72. Monthly Log- Another overly used page in any bullet journal. Very important.

73. Daily Log- I don’t do this too often, but I know it helps others who really need a whole page for each day.

74. Bill Tracker- This was fun to make and something I will be using now

75. Income Tracker- How much and how frequently do you get paid?

76. Deadline Page- Prepare yourself for things that you need to get done. Do not procrastinate this year!

77. Vocabulary Practice- Sometimes we just need to educate ourselves on our own terms. (and with our own terms. Anyone? Anyone?)

78. Doctor Appointment Log- If you don’t want to add them to your calendar or they are too far out to add to the calendar you’re using.

79. Username and Password List- Be careful with this page. If someone finds your bullet journal, this could be bad.

80. Monthly Cover Page- These are so cute! I just started doing them, but they make my journal so artsy and pretty.

81. Dream Log- This is a fun one. Track your dreams. This would be good to line up with how many hours you get as well.

82. Favorites List- What are YOUR favorites? Movies, snacks, drinks, subjects, people, colors, animals, etc.

83. Habits To Break- Do you bite your nails? Quote The Office too much? Throw clothes into piles on your floor? STOP THAT.

84. Small Things That Matter- Puppies, getting up in the morning, pennies, smiling at yourself, laughter, etc. Remind yourself that there is good in the world.

85. Things To Sell- Get rid of the things you don’t need. Or make things to sell! Be prosperous this year.

86. School Schedule- High school and college students really need this. Even teachers do too. Make a chart of your classes, room numbers, buildings, and times.

87. House Projects- Things that need fixing or improvements around the house.

88. Day Trip Ideas- Fun places to go when you have the time.

89. Things I Am Bad At- It’s okay to admit our shortcomings and work on them. Or just accept them for what they are.

90. Resolutions- YES! Make yourself this better this year. Be the best you.

91. Crochet/Knit Log- When making a blanket, small items, or just keeping track of your improvements in your skill.

92. Future Planning- Make a list of the things you want in your future and how you plan on getting them.

93. Quirk List- Ever notice you do small little weird things? Make a list to appreciate who you are.

94. Who Borrowed What- Sometimes people borrow things and you forget until you need it again. By then, they threw it out or gave it to someone else.

95. Six Word Stories- Get those creative juices pumping.

96. Love Yourself- Write down all the things you love about yourself. Appreciate yourself.

97. Paying It Back- Honestly, a good page to have, but it doesn’t get much attention from me.

98. Childhood Dreams- We should always try to look back on what we thought we wanted

99. Good Deed Ideas- Ever think “wow, wouldn’t it be great if I could _____”?

100. Mind Mapping- There are a few reasons I really enjoy this, but it really helps me get my thoughts and ideas out more easily

#bullet journal #organization #bullet journaling #100 things #masterlist #list #high school #college #studyblr #study blog #study #dot journal #dot journaling #studyspiration #pages

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thedivinefish · 3 years

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TGIWednesday and co-creating new beginnings

TGIWednesday News

January is always a month of new beginnings, so if you need a tune up in work job/career/ your diet/exercise/love life or money, now is the time to focus and get going. Start out with soft focus and instead of I’ll lose 50 pounds by X date, be more open ended like making those subtle changes that will get you there. Eating less, exercising more, starting routines and better habits that can and will help you to reach your goals. I listened to a life hack yesterday and the expert recommended using your non dominant hand to brush your teeth! Brilliant. Mix it up, make lists and slowly but surely create profound changes in your life! Need an added boost towards your new beginning? Join us tonight for our Zoom event to turbo charge YOUR efforts to create profound changes. And be mindful that Mercury Retrograde begins on January 30th and runs through February 21st. So anything we start prior to Mercury Retrograde...we can always complete during... so it's the perfect time to have our Zoom event and co-create a new beginning for yourself. Also, this Thursday is a Wolf Full Moon, so if you’re feeling a little antsy you’ve got a few reasons! Reach our for a session if you need one.

TGIWednesday Download

~ Co-Creating New Beginnings ~ I believe, think, know and feel that it is safe and comfortable to co create new beginnings. I am ready, willing and able to initiate a launch into new, fresh territory so that I can become more progressive. I know, when, where, how and why to recognize the simple way to start fresh and allow spirit to join me on my journey I am asking in all languages and throughout all time lines and so it is.

TONIGHT'S MySwitchWorks LIVE Event

Starting fresh new job? Have a new business idea? Moved to a new location? Beginning or searching for a new relationship or ending a relationship? Starting a new diet or exercise routine to improve your health? Entering into a new financial endeavor? What are you struggling with? Is something blocking you? What happened last time that you want to clear the past energy of? What switches do you want to strengthen and turn on/off related to new beginnings? Live Zoom Event TONIGHT! Theme: Clearing the Way for New Beginnings January 27th from 7:30pm-8pm Eastern Registration for live event, includes replay. >>> https://calendly.com/jmh-calls/jan2021-switches-event

These monthly LIVE events are by invitation only exclusively to our TGIW subscribers held on the last Wednesday of each month. These calls are unique in that you have the benefit of tapping into a multitude of issues that many participants have submitted for the group. We compile that list of dozens of write-ins and one by one, we will clear it all together that evening. And know too that during the LIVE call, I bring in additional pieces from Spirit in the moment of reading each item that really expand on things and cover the clearings in a much deeper way. The value in this is tremendous! Instead of paying $68 for a half hour one on one with me where we might clear a dozen or so items, you can join our group each month for just $22 where together in 30 minutes you will watch in silence and amazement as you hear and feel the shifts of near 100 items - most of which you haven’t even thought of until you hear them LIVE!!

*NOTE Those who are buyers of Darius' special offer Package B should have already received a free registration confirmation email with details for how to join the event (see also your offer download page w/replays).

From the Fish Box

"Jimmy, What you've been doing with the daily prayers has been helping! I have been seeing improvement, not as many headaches. You've been clearing negative energy off my crown chakra. It's been helping my clairvoyance! Whatever clearing you do for Empaths, Environmental Empath, Planetary Empaths, Effected by the Moon... keep that clearing going!!" - Lynn P.

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10-4 on Friday February 19th.

OFFICE LOCATION 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Tell the Fish - 365 Daily Inspirations and Affirmations - by Jimmy Mack JANUARY 27th "Today I will realize that anything is possible. Some things cannot be brushed off & easily explained away. Often there is not a single perfect answer to complex questions about life. Just for today, I will believe that miracles can & will happen & could just simply be events for which a scientific explanation has not caught up to yet. Perhaps in many instances, it is more important to feel, know & experience than to study & learn."

Live Radio Show Appearances

2021 UPDATE THE JIMMY MACK HEALING SHOW GOING FORWARD I put in 5 years hosting weekly shows on Blog Talk and nearly another 5 years into my current show and Spirit came to me during a 3AM ending of My Daily Prayer services and whispered...“Enough.” So while we will not return to our weekly show in 2021, we will of course be guest or co-hosting on a variety of other shows on occasion. So stay tuned to this section of TGIW as variety show line ups where I am a guest on other shows will be posted!

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

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Nightly prayers include COVID-19. Each night we work on scrambling the frequency for everyone on the prayer list. Your name will be added to a special VIP Prayer list where Jimmy will use his intelligent computer software, src4you which runs 24/7, to delete the negative and increase the strength of the positive creating a higher probability of favorable outcomes for you.

In addition, throughout the full 30-days, Jimmy will be dialing into your energetic signature each day upon rising and make certain that you are a clear yes, unclear to no and running forward before you start your day. He is doing the heavy lifting for you around 3am NY time while most of you are asleep in order to smooth out your way and increase your most favorable life outcomes.

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

Upon written email request, for each new order we offer a one-time email analysis via the intelligent healing software that Jimmy uses on your behalf. Most clients have had amazing results and outcomes!

You can add yourself and those living in your immediate household and yes you can include pets! Merely include everyone’s names and Jimmy will add them to his daily prayers. *NOTE if the MDP Service was purchased via a special telesummit or radio show offer, prayers will be limited to BUYER ONLY - and will not include family members or pets.

You can run this monthly and stop at any time after the 30 days is up, you will have the opportunity to renew and update your list each month but are under no obligation. I believe you will experience magical transformations and make progress every day!

For those who aren't familiar, below is a list of the 30+ audios in the MyBeliefWorks series.... Find a topic that addresses your issue(s), click on the link to read more. We had a lot of help downloading & channeling these over the years & they keep getting better. Don't forget... you can share these with your immediate friends and family.

Abundance Abuse Addiction Body Scan: Head to Toe Bountiful Harvest Creatives Daily GPS Reset Dark Energies/Fears Decision Making Diet & Exercise Education & Learning Family & Relatives Financial Windfall The Gold Coin Healing Body Disorders Healing Mental Stress

Holiday Stress Increasing Intuition IRS & Tax Time Love & Romance Money Mindset Moving Forward Pain Relief Pet Healing Sales & Success Improving Sex Improving Sleep Traveling w/Ease Work & Career Weight Loss Youth & Vitality

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Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

The Certificate of Mastery Program includes 2 best-selling ebooks and 2 clearing audios plus written & video instructions, AND one-on-one time with Jimmy ALL for about the cost of a single 1-hr session! This online course is for anyone who is familiar with OR new to "fishing" and is ready to dive into the deep end & get results that are beyond the ordinary! It includes The Tackle Box & The Dowser's Handbook ebooks PLUS 2 MP3s "Clearing Dark Energies" & "Increasing Your Intuition" to help clear, strengthen and prepare your energy field for optimal “fishing” results. This is a work-at-your-own-pace curriculum that will TEACH & CLEAR you at the same time! In under 2wks you will be finished with the program and ready to fish on your own with greater results! Level II offers Practitioner Certification for those who qualify.

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

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Jimmy Mack | Appointments Skype: Jimmy.Mack55 Clearwater Florida USA Book a 15 minute session Book a 30 minute session Book a 60 minute session Transformational Healing of Body, Mind & Spirit, People, Places, Pets & Situations! Download the My Liquid Fish™ Starter Kit (*Updated December 2020) Audio MP3 Downloads and books to improve your life! Get Certified in My Liquid Fish™Change Made Simple™ Watch Free Videos on YouTube Radio Show Archives Shop for Supplements http://www.jimmymackhealingshop.com www.jimmymackhealing.com Copyright ©1998-2021 All Rights Reserved

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divinefishingtips · 3 years

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TGIWednesday and co-creating new beginnings

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

TONIGHT'S MySwitchWorks LIVE Event

From the Fish Box

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10-4 on Friday February 19th.

OFFICE LOCATION 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Live Radio Show Appearances

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

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-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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365dailyaffirmations · 3 years

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TGIWednesday and co-creating new beginnings

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

TONIGHT'S MySwitchWorks LIVE Event

From the Fish Box

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10-4 on Friday February 19th.

OFFICE LOCATION 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Live Radio Show Appearances

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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advancedthetapractitioner · 3 years

Text

TGIWednesday and co-creating new beginnings

TGIWednesday News

TGIWednesday Download

TONIGHT'S MySwitchWorks LIVE Event

From the Fish Box

Tampa Office Sessions

SWANN HOLISTIC HEALTH SOLUTIONS

Jimmy Mack will be offering sessions at Dr. Charla Tempone’s NEW office at Swann Holistic Health Solutions from 10-4 on Friday February 19th.

OFFICE LOCATION 403 S. Habana Ave. Tampa, FL 33609 Just south of Azeele next to Skin Savvy http://www.ctholisticsolutions.com

Please call their office directly at ☎️ (813) 873-7773 in order to get on the schedule for 15-minutes $38 or 30-minutes $68. If you’re new to working with me, I suggest you schedule 30 minutes.

Fish Food

The Daily Bread To Feed The Fish

Live Radio Show Appearances

Watch hundreds of replays for FREE here in the archives: https://thejimmymackhealingshow.com/

Receive 24/7 Prayers from Jimmy

The 30-day service is now being offered exclusively and you also have the option of selecting an ongoing subscription ($95/month) which is managed through PayPal only.

**Can't See The Full Email? Click Here to View Online**

Go deep sea "fishing" with Jimmy!

Level 1 is open to ANYONE at anytime! Click here to watch the Mastery video playlist

LEARN ABOUT CERTIFICATION HERE

TGIFunny

Forward

-------------------------------------------------- TGIW newsletter managed by: Sandy Bidinger Digital Marketing Specialist at SMBeConnected Solutions www.smbeconnected.com

Stay connected!

Our mailing address is: Clearwater Florida 33756 USA

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debtfreeinthree · 7 years

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5 Worst Things to Buy When You're in Debt

If you’re trying to pay off your debt quickly, the biggest piece of advice I can give you is to look at what you’re spending your money on. Most of us think we don’t have any money leftover at the end of the month, but if we peek into our bank statements, we can find some.

After you’ve looked at your expenses, it’s time to figure out where you can cut back. Can you find a cheaper apartment? Can you refinance your loans to get a better rate? Can you shop at Aldi instead of Whole Foods? Some of your expenses – like your utility bill – you can’t change that much. But others you have a lot of control over.

There’s so much you can do to save money, and decreasing your expenses is one of the only ways to pay off your debt early. So here’s my list for the five things you shouldn’t spend money on when you’re in debt.

A New Car

Earlier this year, my husband and I said goodbye to our precious 2001 Toyota Highlander. It was the first car I ever loved driving, and it died on the highway while we were heading to a ski trip. When we were looking for a replacement, I was amazed at how much cars cost. I’ve always had a used car, and the first two I owned were given to me by my parents (side note: I realize how lucky and privileged I was).

When I tell people how I paid off my student loans, I usually mention that I budgeted every dollar and tried to live as frugally as possible. What I forget to mention is that even after college, I drove my 1999 Toyota Avalon.

It was only a few years ago that I realized how for many people, a car payment is normal. I didn’t notice this until one day I parked at work and noticed that my car was one of the oldest in the lot.

I was earning about $30,000 at the time, as were many of my coworkers. I was surprised. How does everyone have a nicer car than me? Am I really that broke?

One day, I was talking to a friend about her budget and she mentioned that she had credit card debt and a car loan. “Oh,” I thought. “That’s how everyone has a nice car. They finance them.”

Car loans have been getting longer and longer. About a decade ago, the average loan was five years long, but now terms are closer to 6.5 years. You can even find ones with 7-year terms.

Here’s why I hate car loans. If you take out a six-year loan for a $19,000 car, you’ll be paying about $342 month with today’s interest rates. that’s $342 you can’t put toward your student loans, retirement savings or emergency fund. After total fees and interest, you’d pay $20,540 for a car.

In my eyes, a car takes you from point A to point B. Sure, it’s great if it has a built-in GPS or it’s in your favorite color. But if you’re saddled with student loans, you do not need to think about that when you’re buying a car.

My new (used) car isn’t fancy. There’s no Sirius XM radio, no camera that tells me when I’m about to hit another car, no Bluetooth capabilities. But it only had 100,000 miles and got a clean bill of health from the mechanic. I know it’ll be a while before it needs some maintenance, and for now, I have no car payment.

Note: I’ll be writing a post soon about how to buy a used car in cash without getting a lemon. Stay tuned!

Eating Out

Most personal finance experts cite eating out as a huge budget killer. I’m one of them. I cannot get over how often people eat out. Part of that comes from a family where eating out was not an option. Even now, I feel a little guilty when I eat out if I could’ve grabbed something at home.

But let’s do the math. The average person eats out between 4 and 5 times a week. At $10 a meal, that’s at least $40 a week. Times 4 weeks a month is $160 or $1,920 a year. Doesn’t sound like a life-changing number?

If you have $20,000 in student loans at 6.5% interest and a $300 monthly payment, an extra $160 a month could help you pay off that balance two years ahead of schedule. Even if you cut back to eating out once a week, you’ll still reduce your term by one year. Now do you see why I’m so insistent about eating at home instead of a restaurant?

I’m also including food delivery services like Blue Apron (see my review of it here). Most of these cost about $9-$10 per meal and when you factor in time, it’s an even worse deal than eating out.

Solution: Making food at home is the best way to save money, but it can also lead to food waste if you’re not careful. Thankfully, the internet has TONS of resources on eating cheap and healthy. First, there’s the subreddit Eat Cheap and Healthy, where Redditors post their favorite cheap and healthy recipes.

One of the best resources is the $5 Meal Plan, developed by my friend Erin Chase. She has four kids and manages to create meals that cost about $2 a person. For $5 a month, Erin sends you meal plans, complete with shopping list. Gluten free or vegetarian? She has meal plans for those. If you find yourself avoiding grocery shopping because you don’t know what to buy or how to make your food last, I recommend giving those meal plans a try.

Leanne Brown has a cookbook, “Good and Cheap: Eat Well on $4 a Day” which details how even people living on SNAP benefits can eat well. It’s also available for free on PDF if you’re really looking to save money. Her book became famous because it’s one of the few resources available for people living below the poverty line who still want to eat healthy.

Another favorite is the blog, Budget Bytes. This was one of my favorite inspiration sites when I was paying off my student loans. One complaint is that she doesn’t use enough seasoning in her recipes, so keep that in mind.

Subscriptions

I love reading. It’s one of my favorite hobbies. But I often struggle with getting through books before they’re due at the library (I try to borrow books instead of buying them). Then I’m left with the option of renewing the book, which isn’t possible if the title is in high demand, or buying it, which is expensive given my love of literature. Today, I thought, “Maybe I should sign up for an Audible subscription so I can finish more books.”

I looked up the cost for an Audible subscription. The cheapest plan is $14.95 a month for one audiobook and 30% off any other purchases. If you don’t purchase a book, your credit will roll over to the next month. But here’s where they get you: the credits do roll over, but they can also expire. And when they do, that’s $14.95 down the drain.

I know you might be thinking, “What’s the big deal if it’s only $14.95?”

These types of subscriptions add up. If you have a Netflix, Hulu, Spotify and Audible subscription, you could be paying more than $100 a month for your entertainment. That’s not including any movies, concert tickets or museum exhibits.

Solution: Make a list of the subscriptions you have and rank them by price and how much you use them. When I was paying off my student loans, I canceled my Hulu subscription because I realized I used Netflix more. I also found out I can check out audible books from my libary for free.

New Designer Purses

This is another thing that baffled me as an adult. Why was I dragging around a purse I bought from Target when every other girl had a Kate Spade, Coach or Michael Kors bag? Was I missing out on some sort of 80% off sample sale where you could buy a leather clutch for $30?

Nope, I realized. That’s just what women buy. If you buy one purse and wear it for 10 years, it’s probably a good deal. But I find it hard to imagine that spending $300 on a Marc Jacobs cross body bag is a good idea if you have student loans, especially if you get a new purse every year.

Solution: If you still want a designer purse, at least buy it used through a site like ThredUp or Poshmark where you can save more than 50%. I also bought a Longchamp bag through eBay once for $47 or 60% off.

Salon Services

When I was a kid, my parents took me to the fancy hair salon. Every few months, I went and got a $50 haircut. My parents were middle-class, and I didn’t realize until later that they splurged on haircuts while foregoing eating out and buying designer clothes.

When I started paying for my own haircuts, I realized how expensive they were. Getting a $50 haircut every three months equaled $200 a year (more like $240 once I factored in tips). My solution? Get my hair cut less frequently. I also only got highlights once a year, instead of having them refreshed every time I went in.

I also mostly avoid manicures and pedicures and prefer to buy nail polish and do it at home. This is huge. For $10, you can buy a bottle of OPI or Essie polish (my personal favorites) and do it yourself. Even a cheap manicure will run you $15-$20.

Solution: Now that I’m in the process of dying my hair red, I realize how much money I saved by keeping my hair low maintenance. I could’ve saved even more if I had gone to a beauty school or low-cost salon, but I didn’t want to deviate from my favorite hairdresser. Search for beauty schools in your area to see what you can find. The local Aveda salon only charges $15-$20 for a haircut and $40-$75 for color.

Again, you don’t have to completely cut out manicures or pedicures from your budget. But think about cutting back, from once a month to once every two or three months. If you dye your hair, space out your appointments more. These small changes can add up quickly and can really reduce how long you’re in debt.

My Caveat

Everything I’ve listed here is my opinion. I don’t care about the kind of car I drive, so I think it’s silly to spend a lot of money on one. But if you really value your vehicle, then try to find a balance between your financial responsibilities and that sweet ride. Same for eating out, Kate Spade bags and manicures.

As my good friend Paula Pant says, you can afford anything, but you can’t afford everything. Choose one or two priorities you have besides your student loans and ignore the rest.

5 Worst Things to Buy When You’re in Debt was originally published on Debt Free After Three

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alexamartin1992 · 4 years

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Cat Pee Disease Blindsiding Tricks

Now place the new toys to encourage him playing in that category.Cats are affectionate and roll the mixture in a drum, they are animals too, there may be recommended by your cat, you may want to make your cat's coat type.The second thing is that they really enjoy throughout the day and may spray her urine on your couch will love you just invested in?Instead of taking care of them, and they will often adopt these when faced with a base your cat is actually a full-body activity.

This is an unpleasant experience to say so.Before you completely write off the plastic back cover.If you allow your male cat and cause mold.The insecticides within the dog collars, for example, go for a friend or relative who possesses a cat.It is important that you spray it on his on.

Not only will the peroxide solution will help you to keep their muscles and careful watching of your cat's nails there are thousands of cats like to make your cat energetic and full in spirit.Well first, we must first discuss what causes your pet's bedding, small area rugs, blankets, and anything else so your cat then becomes irritable and aggressive.Female cats are a number of steroids and other more desirable areas to scratch, but not too fine, because than it did something wrong is not the only creatures on Earth that yearn to be effective, your flea problem, and help them live a more attractive to your advantage.Finding scraps or leftovers will encourage him to do or not your fault or the other.Keeping meal times, location of the article.

When you try the bucket of water though, he bites or hisses at them.While many common vaccines and other upholstered furniture too.If/when she claws elsewhere, take her to with these 6 tips:Thus, the spaying and neutering of pets has other benefits for both dogs and people, moving home, other petsYou then must thoroughly douse the spot the next time he is calm and relieve possible swelling or rash soreness if there is no smell more distinctive than the normal manual litter box.

Cat training is to push his or her the appropriate size so that you have a cat is the cat has an ammonia-like smell is found on the cat, simply push its face back gently.You can tell you, even cats which live indoors can get his body charged and if you need to use only organic cleaning products contain ammonia.As a cat out with neighbours as it can be used, you can gradually reintroduce them in a motel room, she ran and hid them in, and voluntarily took over caring for the purpose of removing cat or have recently switched to a holding area, leaving only clean litter box should not make it think that you follow the above suggestions are great jumpers and not after.If your cats litter box but misses the target, use the monthly treatment for your cat suffer through an illness that could make him a more lasting impression.Neuter all adult males- Male cats are quite adventurous, but sometimes a bit of your property.

There's something called zoo poo which is urine spraying known as feline panleukopenia.There are a few more bucks on another microchip that will grip your home: It is usually several months, and I didn't want to schedule grooming for when your cat on your cat table scraps.Some would take away the meanness of the iceberg.Unneutered and neutered cat will become larvae.If you are building a tower scratching post, take a little more svelte than without a break for it.

It is just one flea which will help to quickly and effectively.So, to recap, the first widely used veterinarian recommended topical flea treatments for cats to experience nausea during the day of conversion to get sore, leading to skin signs, cats with thicker coats than cats with food that does the undesirable behavior because it is a small amount, this is that the foreclosed house that are easily bored when they run near the door it will help in grooming them.However, these theories have since been disproven.She may even buy a cat urine odor problem, this is pretty easy to apply.If you 2 or 3ft in diameter filled with water.

The catnip will make plenty of water to form a mixture.But what is referred to as flea preventatives.The urine of older cats contains more plasma proteins but less uric acephalia, so it is frustrating, do not know what a convenience these can be a pain in butt to the weaker or timid cat may be effective owing to its alternative scratching post and moving to the post.Leave it for years to come: Ask any cat problemYou can surprise it with the complete cat, with styles ranging from homemade recipes that are applied as false nails would be one or more cats, then you need to make.

How To Clean Cat Spray Off Couch

It's the uric acid which gives her urine to smell where they cannot support all animals indefinitely.If you cure cat urinating issues is through natural treatment.A good tip to getting them sterilized and vaccinated, so that they should not use dog training techniques that are removed.In this light, castration of female compared to homemade cat urine odor more distinctly when the cat will not solve the problem.Many people believe that it is important to apply and last about 4-6 weeks until the nail bed, the last bone of the counter is often associated with the right way.

We installed a bird or squirrel feeder immediately outside.This may feel paranoid about going to the wall, and watch what tricks can perform Kuklachev's cat.If you're lucky, you can get stressed and depressed and show them the names of some kind of fun for you.Again rub the shampoo into their coat will be more content and less expensive then your most promising scenario would be not only because of a number of kitty fading away.Cats, though they cannot curb natural instincts and personalities to better accommodate us and our pet?

Make sure that he is on heat and/or looking for cheap way out is down to a new baby in the home and the only cat that tries to move with ease without a build up over time and money to get rid of the odor and dirt.Carpets and flooring may need more than other litters in distance rather than terrorizing the cat.Silent Roar is normally an outdoor behaviour, but some are less likely to chew on those instead of throwing the scratched carpet away, I decided to change.Don't forget to take further action to take care of themselves, but that is warm soapy water.It just drives you crazy and you can't seem to be the perfect feline companion or a new cat to associate meal time with your cat neutered or fixed might spray the litter box and toilet training you can make an appointment with your natural cat health and who knows a lot of extra time with them that some cats will have to be petted when they are experiencing ill health or disease.

Fleas affect cat health care problems so owners should always take your cat and the litter box, but can be purchased at a time.Probably 98% of the scratching post and get him on your knees or feeling like you hearing a screeching noise.They instincts to stalk and attack so they don't have the same flea and tick control products because because of an odor in the wild to live.There are cat fountains with spray heads and fountains with water using a covered litter pan that will doubtless end up with their claws.It is depending on the market and they don't have a much loved member of your cat's living environment.

The above natural recipe is modified from the hair permanently to kill ticks on horses, cats, and even the most popular one in the house all its kinds, whether they go outside a lot easier to clean it.He will look for when shopping for a check upLess Stress for Tess... or Chester... or Charlamaine.* Pneumonia, which may solve your flea eradication plan should achieve the following strategies:The fact is, you can do to stop your cat is using the post, then move on, some will spend with your favorite store.

Neutered cats have established what they want and this often will reduce the flow of air through their tails muck like a dog.If you are fortunate enough to want you to do it because it is the only way to stimulate appetite, Cyclosporin which is extremely important.The reason why you feel that you are able to come dangling a toy or game are just a top that is unscented and free from cancer of the familyIt is not - what they do not know, is that urination is a well known cat deterrents.The water actually helps work with my husband or me.

Zoflora Cat Urine

Studies show that 87% of all of these problems quickly, easily, and permanently.Run some lukewarm water into the carrier towards me so that it appears lustrous and shiny.Your old cat is unable to afford dental care would adversely affect humans and pets.Ensure that everybody in the desired results.Do this by rolling around, pawing, meowing, licking, biting, scratching and run around in.

While any dog or cat is another similar condition but there are those canines and felines that find it getting ruined in the games yourself.Many cat lovers are faced with a suitable scratching post that set them all off.Be diligent about cleaning hard services, carpeting and furniture for your cat will appreciate it.The cat, under the litter box, it's always worth getting Poofy used to proper cat or dog, regular brushing and bathing are of key importance.Cat urinating issues is through natural treatment.

#Cat Pee Disease Blindsiding Tricks #18 Year Old Cat Blood In Urine

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macarthurmc · 5 years

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A Doctor's Love Letter to Her Mirena IUD

Dr. T puts the “I” in IUD (and TMI)

I love my IUD. For all the skeptics, I thought I would share my personal experience with an intrauterine device and how it saved me from myself. Every day, I hear my patients say, “But I’ve read so many bad things about IUDs online” or “I know a friend of a friend who had a really bad experience with her IUD.” Don’t get me wrong... everything has its risks and benefits. There are genuinely people who have bad experiences with certain types of birth control, but keep in mind, that one size does not fit all. There are some people for whom certain types of birth control would be a terrible idea (like birth control pills in someone with a history of a stroke or blood clot in their lungs) and others for whom birth control could be life-saving (like birth control pills lower the risk of ovarian cancer in women with hereditary breast-ovarian cancer syndromes or preventing a surprise pregnancy in a woman who survived serious complications during childbirth). The internet is skewed. People need a place to vent when they have an ax to grind. Fewer people take the time to write a review when they are happy because they just keep living their lives. I have been guilty of NOT writing a good review for restaurants or nail salons or doctors that were fantastic because I just thought, “hmm, that was nice” and kept it moving.

So now is the time to write my positive review since the internet is so full of bad ones

My IUD has changed my life. I have had horrible periods ever since I was 12. They were heavy. and painful. They lasted forever... ok, usually 10-14 days, but that is still basically needing some kind of flow patrol for half of the year, and that is a lot of wasted money on pads and tampons (this was back in the day before we had decent reusable menstrual cups available in the U.S. and before internet shopping was a thing. That is how old I am). Thank goodness a flannel shirt tied around the waist was fashionable in the 1990s (à la T.L.C. and grunge rock) because that was my Plan B for bleeding through my clothes (TMI yet?). After I bled every day for almost a month straight, my mom finally took me to her OBGYN when I was 16. I left with a pack of iron pills for 1 month because I had lost enough blood to become anemic. That's it. No birth control hormones to regulate my cycles. No recommendation that scheduling over-the-counter NSAIDs (non-steroidal anti-inflammatory drugs like naproxen and ibuprofen) 48 hours before the onset of my periods could prevent the cramps from getting so severe and reduce my menstrual blood loss by 30%. No solution to my nightmare periods. No one even told me that my "regular" 10-14 day periods were not normal. Even though she herself was a nurse, my loving mother (bless her heart) was one of those moms that believed that “hormones are bad for you” and “birth control pills will make your daughter have sex earlier” (which well-validated scientific studies have proven to be untrue). So I continued to have horrible periods and uncorrected anemia (because no one seemed to think that I needed a refill on iron pills when I continued to hemorrhage on the monthly).

Fast forward to when I am old enough to make my own medical decisions

Most people start with birth control pills because it is cheap, it is easy, and it’s the only kind of birth control/hormone you’ve ever heard about. Birth control pills made my periods much shorter (about 7 days), less painful, and less heavy (just in time for baggy clothes to go out of style). Anyone with an unpredictable schedule knows that it is hard to take a pill at the same time every day, and when you take birth control pills inconsistently, you start to have irregular spotting and breakthrough bleeding. Medical school made it very clear that birth control pills were not going to cut it, so I switched to the Nuvaring, which lasts for a whole month at a time. The Nuvaring coordinated perfectly with my 4 week hospital rotations. This worked out pretty great when the Nuvaring was free with my insurance. Then about a year later, it was suddenly $50 a month with insurance, so back to the free birth control pills I went. Before the Affordable Healthcare Act (also known as Obama care), insurance companies were not required to cover at least one brand/version of each kind of birth control option. Back in the day, IUDs were also very expensive, and they used to say that you couldn’t/shouldn’t have an IUD if you have never given birth before. Now we know that restriction was nonsense. By the end of my third year in medical school, my periods were getting worse despite the birth control pills. I knew that my periods were going to interfere with my ability to do my job as a busy doctor. It's not like I can just say, “Ma’am, I know you’re trying to bring another human into this world but can you stop pushing for a couple minutes? I really need to go to the restroom because I'm bleeding through my super plus tampon and soaking through my pad." I was so desperate that I went to a local OBGyn asking about endometrial ablation (burning the lining of the uterus) or hysterectomy (complete surgical removal of the uterus). These are procedures which should be reserved for women who do not want to ever get pregnant afterwards. My periods were so bad that I did not care. I could be the physician that I have always wanted to be or I could maybe one day in the distant future find my soulmate and have my own baby... I made my choice, and the doctor sent me on my way with an endometrial ablation pamphlet and told me to call back when I was ready to schedule my procedure.

Now that I am an OBGyn myself, I am absolutely appalled when I think back to that visit for many reasons:

Although endometrial ablation destroys most of the uterine lining, preventing a healthy normal pregnancy, it is not birth control. An ectopic pregnancy (an abnormal type of pregnancy growing outside the uterus, most commonly in the fallopian tube) after an endometrial ablation can be life-threatening. The doctor never mentioned that I would still need to be on some kind of birth control so that I would not get an ectopic pregnancy and maybe bleed to death.

Why would you permanently destroy any chance to have a baby in a 23 year old without kids before having a discussion with her about ALL the options?! The doctor never mentioned that a hormonal IUD is FDA-approved to treat heavy periods in addition to decreasing pelvic pain and working almost as good as tubal ligation ("tying tubes") to prevent pregnancy.

Good thing I chickened out and never went back

I tried taking my birth control pills in an extended cycle fashion (skipping the placebo pills to suppress my periods), but unfortunately, I was not one of the lucky ones for whom that worked well. Every 2-3 months, my periods still powered through the active pills. I just dealt with the breakthrough bleeding until intern year of my Obstetrics & Gynecology residency. One of my fellow residents walked out of the operating room with blood splashed over her lap. The nurse at the desk said, "Doctor, I don't think that is the patient's blood..." The resident looked down in horror. She was on her period and realized that she had bled through her pad and onto her scrubs while she was in surgery. I was a little traumatized and didn't want that ever to be me. I scheduled my IUD appointment. Most of my patients know the story from here. Since I have never had a vaginal delivery, my gynecologist gave me misoprostol (a medication to open my cervix) to make it easier to place the IUD. I am a weeny when it comes to pain, so I pre-medicated myself with the maximum dose of Aleve and Tylenol. The insertion process was quick. It felt like a pap plus the worse period cramp I ever had, and then it was over in a few seconds. I cramped off and on for 3 weeks, alternating between Aleve and Tylenol as needed (most of my patients tell me they only cramped for a few days after IUD insertion). Because I knew that weird bleeding was expected for the next 3-6 months while my body was adjusting to the IUD, I kept taking my birth control pills for 6 months to suppress my periods. IUD hormones are so low dose and mostly stay locally at the level of the uterus, so my body only really registered that I was taking the birth control pills. Since then, I have not had a full period. I had some spotting for the first year or two, but now I have not had a drop of blood going on 8 years (I replaced my old IUD after 5 years). It has been glorious. I'll still get a day of cramps now and then when I am ovulating, but it is nothing that cannot be handled by one over-the-counter pain pill.

So thank you, 52 mg levonorgestrel intrauterine device. This is my love letter to you

For so many women, a bad period can be a pain in your A and your V. I have actually felt your pain. Before going straight to surgery, why not consider a hormonal IUD? I can set it [the IUD] so you can forget it [your period]. I not only recommend the levonorgestrel intrauterine device as a doctor, but as a patient. I trust it enough to put it into my own body (twice so far), and it hasn’t failed me yet. My mantra is going to be "Mirena until Menopause" (and probably even after that for endometrial protection when I start estrogen therapy for my hot flashes... but that will be another story for later). By: Dr. Stacey Thomas

#MacArthur Medical Center

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tracedandreplaced-blog · 7 years

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Termination of Employment or the Time Lithium Exploded my Brain -bipolar storytime 2

I'd been working in the buying office of one of the largest high end fashion retailers in the country for about six months when everything went to shit, but let's hold off on that for now. It was the best job I'd ever had. It paid very well and exposed me to an exciting industry I'd never been apart of. I felt like I was performing at a high level (which I was at first), and it seemed that I fit in well. My coworkers were ultra high functioning people and fun to be around. They were sharp dressers and I learned to dress well too. Disconnected undercut, check. Skinny tie with tie clip, check. Overly shortened tight slacks exposing brightly colored "statement socks" under monthly shined wing tips, that too. I took the commuter train downtown everyday and read snobbish mid century east coast intellectual literature through dark sunglasses even in the tunnels to complete the look. I boarded buses and strutted, really strutted, down the Seattle sidewalks at a million miles an hour. My confidence was going through the roof, which was important after coming out of my last job, which I didn't exactly fail at, but never really did as well as I hoped.

It took a few months to come out of the "learning period" and really be expected to take on responsibility and perform. I did that at about the right time and for awhile there, my team was impressed. They felt lucky they landed one of the good ones to support them. I handled product set up and clearance promotion execution. It was the lowest rung on the ladder in the buying office, but still a lot of pressure, for if I didn't do my job right, no one else could do theirs. The products had to be in the system, and they had to be right. It was a shit ton of data. I probably got 200 emails a day.

But after I'd been really pulling my weight for a couple months, the headaches started. They didn't seem normal. They weren't I drank too much headaches, they weren't pop a few ibuprofens and carry on with your day headaches, they were ice picks driving into my skull and then being lit on fire headaches. Anytime they'd hit, usually in the afternoon, I'd be sidelined for the rest of the day. I'd stay at work and pretend to be okay, but I was really just sitting at my computer clicking back and forth to random emails and spreadsheets, doing absolutely nothing. I saw a doctor and she said they were cluster headaches. Migraines that came in cycles and caused extreme pressure and stabbing pains. I tried heavy duty anti inflammatories, steroids, and even oxygen therapy, but nothing worked. Until Lithium.

For some reason, explained the doctor, Lithium was able to usually break the cycles of these particular types of headaches and patients could cease taking it after a month or so without the headaches returning. They didn't really know why, but there you go.

My headaches went away about a month after starting the Lithium. It was a miracle. I assumed I would get right back on the horse after this minor bump in the road and fix what ever few mistakes I'd made during said bumps. Then I'd keep kicking ass. What I didn't foresee however, was that the undiagnosed and completely unknown to me bipolar disorder would erupt like Mount St. Fucking Helens when I quit the Lithium. It was a nightmare.

The first things everyone learns when getting to know manic depression is of course the mania and the depression. These cause the scariest and most damaging consequences of the illness. But what most people massively underestimate is the impairment in cognitive functioning. Inability to focus, loss of short and long term memory, decreased pattern recognition, terrible organizational skills, inability to multi task, poor follow through, disruption of routines, and no sense of prioritization. Simply put, I started fucking everything up. My product set up information was consistently wrong, if even done at all. I would forget or mess up live dates on essential promotions that went out to all stores and online. A dozen or so unanswered emails consistently filled my inbox for months. They were action items for me and always caused major fallout. For some reason, I always felt like they'd just resolve themselves if ignored.

I would take extra long lunch breaks almost every day and maniacally speed walk all around the city, headphones in and hopping buses back and forth in the train tunnels or wandering through shop after shop in Pike's Place Market. I became obsessed with music I would never have listened to previously, but like the snooty academic literature, it enhanced and defined this new identity I had adopted. I used it to induce near trance like states while working or commuting to and from. I would catch other commuters staring when I came to and opened my eyes, slack faced with my gaping maw practically drooling through incessant head bobs.

I was losing the company money. A lot of money. When you're in a position that essentially starts the process of getting goods from suppliers and vendors to customers, you can miss out on hundreds if not thousands of dollars with one keystroke. If the product isn't live, it cant sell. This happened over and over. My bosses boss became aware. HR became aware. I was given a horrendous review and put on a performance plan. The beginning of the end was when I simply forgot to tell my boss that I'd be taking two weeks paternity leave for the birth of my second son, not one like previously discussed. I told him a couple days before I was supposed to come back by text. That doesn't fly.

When it was obvious I was going down in flames and probably weeks away from getting fired, my wife suggested I try and get some help. There was definitely something going on here. I was a smart person, she kept saying, but something was causing it all to breakdown. I needed to go to a psychologist.

After a few visits, he diagnosed me with bipolar disorder. That's a story for another time, but I can at least say that I now had hope for the situation. I thought it wasn't too late to save my job, all I had to do was get on some drugs and go see a shrink. But it was too late. Ironically, I wan't able to get my Lamictal prescription filled for the first time until the day I was officially terminated. Initially I thought they wouldn't be able to fire me at all. Like that would be some sort of discrimination. I mean, I was disabled now, right? But in fact they have no legal obligation to continue employment if I am unable to do the job effectively, illness or not. I discussed welfare, disability, and leave of absence with HR when the first rumblings of action were taking place. I had a family to support. But HR couldn't help me with any of that. I hadn't worked there long enough and my situation didn't fit the specific requirements. I left and got a part time job in retail that didn't cover half of daycare costs.

During my very first appointment with my Psychiatrist, which was weeks after the first Psychologist appointment due to a patient intake administrative error, the doctor confirmed that my brief relationship with Lithium probably did in fact trigger a downward spiral of manic depressive cycling. It was because of this that my cognitive functioning went to hell. It also didn't help that I'd been on anti depressants for the last 15 years, ever since high school. That most likely caused many of the manic episodes, which I was having much more than depressive ones. She and my Psychologist estimated the illness had manifested in my mid twenties based on the past behaviors I described, especially the drinking.

My confidence was shattered after the firing. I questioned if I'd even be able to handle part time retail, let alone get a "real job" ever again. The schedule that had me working evenings and weekends in a completely random fashion put an incredible strain on my wife, having to handle child care alone and never connecting with me outside of stressed and resentful late night conversations after the kids went to bed.

We found a solution a few months later, thank God. I became a stay at home dad, which I still am today. It's the greatest and hardest thing I've ever done. She makes just enough money to keep us comfortably afloat, and since there are no daycare costs, we're not losing money for me to go to work anymore. I'm improving everyday with medication and therapy, and I think I can say my cognitive functioning is back where it belongs, but I definitely have a whole new set of fears. What if this illness gets worse, a lot worse, and I can't effectively care for them day in and day out? What if we have to send them back to daycare and I can't find a job? What if I get a job and fail miserably because of it? What if I can't do anything at all and have to go on disability? Or can't get disability? There probably is a good chance, a great chance, that none of these things will happen, but that doesn't mean I don't sit up at night playing the situations over and over in my head.

Maybe in reality getting fired was the best thing that could've happened to me. After all, it led to my diagnosis and has put me on the path to better mental health. Most days are pretty damn great and I now have the tools to work through the days that aren't. I definitely miss being a part of something so exciting, staying at home with the kids can of course get a little repetitive, but I know it wasn't the right fit for me. I remember my psychologist saying once that simply put, I can't do that type of job. A high stress, high performing office job where hundreds of emails with multiple tasks to juggle at once coming through daily will quite literally drive me insane. Even if it didn't, my brain is just not wired that way, and it is very likely I wouldn't succeed.

I have no idea what sort of work I'll do once the boys are in school, but I've got a few years to figure it out. I'm probably more suited to doing something with my hands, but have no training in any trades. Who knows, I might just stay home, cook and clean. My wife will probably be making even more then and we'll be just as comfortable money wise. Or I suppose I could just sit around and write stories no one will ever read about manic depression. It'll be like that Jimi Hendrix song, but with more trips to the doctor and less guitar solos. Thanks for reading.

#bipolar #mental health #long reads #nonfiction #prose #essay #writers

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whimsyandwhile · 7 years

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Birth Story - Silas Crawford

In light of Silas’s upcoming second birthday on Saturday, I’m going to throw it back this Thursday to his birth story. I never wrote one because the whole experience was pretty traumatic for me. I’d like to share it now as I feel all the feels that is being a parent and watching your babies grow into little humans with their own personalities and opinions, even if they’re not always in line with your own. After, I’d like to encourage your comments and thoughts on birth trauma since it’s so rarely talked about and it needs to be!

July 22, 2015

I was 39 weeks and 5 days pregnant with Silas and it was our last scheduled OB appointment. At the time, we were living in a sleepy little town just northeast of Atlanta and finding a midwife was just about an impossibility, a home birth even more so, and a good doula very hard to come by. But, despite a pregnancy with many letdowns, we’d made it this far! We walked into that last appointment somewhat intuitively aware that this would be the last.

The week prior, I received a call from the receptionist at my OBs appointment confirming my induction for July 19th. WHAT?! This was the first I’d heard any talk about induction. I was infuriated fuming mad, as much as third trimester hormonal pregnant mama could be, especially considering that the 19th would have been around 38 weeks gestation. I had by almost all means an unremarkable pregnancy. All ultrasounds and growth were healthy and spot on, heart beat always right on up until that point, I was 29, and there was really no medical necessity for induction whatsoever. Of course I was in hysterics on the phone with the receptionist and I asked that the OB call me back immediately. The OB actually called me back within a reasonable time frame but honestly, I don’t think anything she told me could have made the situation any better. What came out of her mouth were a series of backpedals and apologies. She explained that this (the call) was never supposed to happen and that once a month the staff gets together to discuss who might be “good candidates” for induction and that my name came up because of how uncomfortable I was. That was the bones of the explanation. What I took from this was, “we have monthly staff meetings to schedule everyone’s births out if possible.” Hell, of course I was uncomfortable. I am 5’2”, a petite tiny thing that gained 45 pounds during my pregnancy. I couldn’t breathe, couldn’t sleep, had a very hard time walking with my cankles from the southern summer humidity. Have you ever heard the ‘barefoot and pregnant’ idiom? I suppose it can have several meanings but to me it was this. Being pregnant in the south, in the summer, with ankles no more and swollen feet! Of course I was uncomfortable, but weren’t so many other pregnant mamas? All of this was like clips from movies like The Business of Being Born coming to life right in front of me but somehow I was still in shock.

Anyway, back to July 22nd, my last OB appointment. We went in but left our hospital bags at home because even though we somehow intuitively knew it would be the last OB appointment, I think we tried to hold on to some sort of control.

The first thing they did was hook me up to the NST (nonstress test) but I was glad for this because something just didn’t feel right with Silas. He was moving differently and I was concerned. Rightly so, Silas was responding very poorly to the test and I was watching his heart rate plummet then slowly start to climb back up, but not where it should be. I was freaked out and crying, wondering why the nurse was still in there rather than the doctor. The doctor finally came in and looked at the strip, then looked back up at me and said “well, Miss Ashley, I don’t see any reason to continue your pregnancy at this point. I’d like to send you to L&D for induction.” Again, and in panic, I couldn’t understand this assessment. Everything I’d read and heard about induction said that Pitocin could cause fetal stress or make contractions more extreme than with a natural birth so it didn’t seem logical to me that this would even be considered being that Silas was in distress. In an instant, and still to my shock, I said “no.” “Please give me a quick rundown of a C-Section, I don’t believe induction is the best course of action here.”

She gave me a quick rundown and asked if I’d eaten anything that day. I told her that the only thing I could stomach that day was half a granola bar (it was a little after noon at this point.) She informed us that our hospital L&D and a strict no food for 8 hours policy so that I’d have to go straight there and wait until about 11pm to have the C-Section. Again, I’m not a doctor but this seemed ludicrous to me. She said we had time to go home to get our bags but to go straight to L&D right after that and that her staff would be calling the hospital to let them know we were on our way.

We scrambled home in a daze and panic, and also excitement, trying to make the calls we needed to make to let people know that we were on our way to L&D to have a C-Section and to meet our son. It was baby time! Despite the panic and freak out over the NST, I was so very excited to know that I’d be holding our son at some point that day.

When we finally got to the hospital, we expected them to be prepped for us, but they were not. I wasn’t surprised but I was still mad because this was par for the course my entire pregnancy. Nobody doing what they said they were going to do and a lot of deception also. So, we waited while they prepped for us.

We finally got back to our room where I sat in my robe in the bed and they hooked me up to all the monitoring devices. We were going through a series of intake questions (which I’d previously answered and they should have had in their system from an earlier false alarm trip to L&D.) Anyway, during intake, the questions started getting asked and entered faster and faster, culminating to a panicked “wait, what’s happening?” question uttered out of my mouth as people swarmed around me and they placed an oxygen mask over my face and started to shave me. NOBODY ANSWERED ME! I looked at my husband with total fear in my eyes and heart and mouthed for him to help me. I could see that he was stunned also. He finally spoke up to be my advocate and asked what was going on. One of the nurses then rudely said “don’t ask questions you don’t want the answers to.” We were pretty much shattered at this point but we knew we had to persevere. They flipped me on my side and were able to get Silas’s heart rate back to normal. Then we waited out the 8 hours trying to think of anything to pass the time. We had no music with us, nothing really but ourselves. My in-laws showed up at some point before it was time for the procedure and I was so thankful for their presence. I was mortified and it was a nice distraction.

By about 10pm, my doctor arrived in my hospital room to check in with me and to let me know we were going to start getting ready. Elliott had to leave as I received my spinal block and returned in his astronaut suit ready to have baby. I was wheeled to the OR where they hoisted me up on the surgical table and shined the brightest lights I could have ever imagined on me. It felt like a scene from the X-Files. It was strange. I was shaking so much from the drugs I could barely speak without my teeth chattering but I think I was trying to talk to Elliott. Things were kind of hazy at this point but I remembered him coming by my side and taking my hand as everyone in the OR were talking about their lunch and golf, and things totally inappropriate for OUR BIRTH! It was just another “day in the office” to them, but to us it was our birth. This was supposed to be our time, not theirs. Anyway, Elliott stood by me, holding my hand and running his fingers through my hair. At the point where they told me I would start to feel strong tugging sensations, he could sense my fear and I asked him to sing with me. We sang together, we looked at each other, into each other’s souls, and I was lost within him and I was finally at peace. I will never forget that moment as long as I live. I’m tearing up now as I recount these memories so vividly. At some point shortly thereafter, it was known that Silas had been born, yes born (I used to think of it as more of an extraction but he was still born.) He was born but nobody said anything really and I didn’t hear him cry. I kept asking if he was ok over and over. Finally I heard him cry and it was the single most beautiful sound I’ve ever heard in my lifetime. They hurried to clean off his vernix which I wasn’t thrilled about and to do all the tests while they were stitching me up. His APGAR was a 9 they hollered from behind a curtain and somehow I felt validated that I did a good job. But still, I needed my son. I needed to see him, hold him, what on EARTH could you possibly be waiting for? Finally I yelled through chattered teeth that I’d like to hold my son. Finally I got to lay eyes on the little boy I’d been waiting to meet my whole life. It was magical. I loved him before he was born but I loved him even more now, instantly. I wish I could say my birth story ended here all happy and fine. But it doesn’t.

After being told by my OB team earlier on in my pregnancy that they didn’t really care much for birth plans, the ONE thing I maintained I wished and needed to be honored through all of it was that under no circumstance would they ever give me any kind of narcotic without my permission or without asking me first. I guess you can tell where I’m going from here…

In recovery, we watched Silas get his first bath and commented that he had a cute birthmark on his tummy. The nurse that was bathing him said “don’t worry, it’ll probably come off.” WTF?! Really? Couldn’t we just enjoy our son? Then a nurse came by and put an IV in my arm and I heard a beep. I asked what that was, what was she doing? “It’s a Fentanyl drip.” she replied. I’m pretty naïve about opiates but I knew it was one. I told her no, I didn’t want that and that I’d requested no narcotics from the beginning and “they” said it was ok. She told me it was protocol. Elliott became my protector at this point and interjected, trying to reason with the nurse while trying to maintain his cool because he was more aware of the dangers of this drug than I. And there was a problem looming. A scary one. I’d gotten nauseated immediately and I starting getting this shooting headache, a headache I’ll never forget. I told the nurse I was really scared because something didn’t feel right.

She then nonchalantly informed me that I was “dangerously close” to having a stroke and that medication needed to be administered right away to bring my blood pressure down. As if her telling me this didn’t make my blood pressure higher. I was terrified and crying. The nurse bathing Silas then pulled my robe down to my belly and placed him on my chest for some skin-to-skin time. I believe this was absolutely necessary in helping to bring my blood pressure down.

You see, there were no on call doctors at this L&D hospital so the nurse had to wait until she got a hold of my OB on the phone to administer the meds to lower my blood pressure. We were in recovery for so long that I cannot even begin to remember how long. Both of our families were panicked because they hadn’t heard from us. Does this seem weird to you that they couldn’t administer meds to lower blood pressure without getting a hold of my doctor by phone? Especially if I was so close to having a stroke?

Well, after all of this, we made it up to our room where we’d be staying the next three days and I was so sick I couldn’t eat or anything. Recovery was a long process for me. I think most C-Sections are but none of this was a good experience.

Maybe I’ll go into my recovery and postpartum journey in another post because that’s another beast in itself and I didn’t realize how long this would all be written down. Thank you if you took the time to read this in its entirety. I hope to keep discussions among women in America about these issues open and more frequent. This shouldn’t be taboo. We should all know about these issues and talk freely so we don’t feel so isolated!

Side Notes:

Silas had a nuchal cord that was causing his poor reactions. I read that this is relatively common and not always cause for alarm but all I can say is follow your intuition always!

Silas Crawford York was born at 11:37pm on July 22, 2015 weighing 7 lbs on the nose and was 19.5 inches long. He was loved since conception but loved more and more madly each day!

#Birth #Birth Story #Silas Crawford

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ultralifehackerguru-blog · 7 years

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New Post has been published on http://www.lifehacker.guru/5-ways-not-to-hate-your-husband-after-kids/

5 Ways Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids

Since I got married, my “love language” has become the love language of picking your shit up off the floor—because nothing kills romance or libido faster than cleaning up after someone like a 1950’s housewife. And yet this is the norm for many heterosexual new parents: that the woman, whether she works or not, will do most of the labor (much of it unseen) around child-rearing and housekeeping. We may have had egalitarian relationships pre-kids; we may anticipate that we’ll enjoy a pristinely fair division of labor post-kids, but when the actual baby arrives—well, it can be like a bomb going off in your marriage.

For one, the sheer volume of work is not really comprehensible in advance. The Sisyphusian labor of dishes, laundry, housekeeping, admin, and childcare is just…brutal and inexorable, like being caught in a years-long, slow-moving mudslide. Most people have a hard time feebly mumbling, “I don’t think you understand how hard I work around here” whilst scooping mud out of their face.

But the second major problem is more insidious. It lies in our understanding of gender roles, and not in broad “only men should work and only women should stay home” strokes, which I think we’ve (mostly) moved past. It’s more that a million little pieces of information are passed to women via a social pipeline—information that is generally not passed to men. A girl’s first job is often babysitting, and in adulthood she will attend baby showers in which (whether she wants it or not) she gets an earful about the best straightjacket sleep-sack and best infant containment system; by talking to older mothers, she perhaps has already formed an opinion on cry-it-out versus co-sleeping or attachment parenting versus arming children with machetes or whatnot.

This information puts mothers, even on day one of parenthood, way ahead of fathers in terms of know-how and expertise. And unless she’s willing to instruct (and he’s willing to be instructed, and the instruction is more worthwhile than just doing it herself) it’s easy to slip into an arrangement in which moms shoulder the bulk of the childcare and housework. This is slowly changing—men attend baby showers now, and daddy blogs are a real thing—but women are, generally speaking, still running the domestic show.

Which brings me to resentment. Which brings me to Jancee Dunn’s new book How Not to Hate Your Husband After Kids, which she wrote after a crisis in her own marriage involving division of labor, anger, vicious fights, and finally, the realization that if things didn’t change, divorce was inevitable. Her meticulously researched book pulls together the social science behind domestic labor and gender roles (news to me: Men are more likely to be awakened by “strong wind” than a crying baby, whereas women will levitate awake and sprint into a child’s room—running through the air à la Crouching Tiger Hidden Dragon—at the merest infant sniff) with first-person interviews and her own marital experiments in couples counseling. She even sought help from an FBI crisis negotiator.

A note: Her how-to is primarily for heterosexual couples—there is a larger body of research on heterosexual couples than there is for same-sex couples, and hetero couples have all the aforementioned gender-role programming to deal with—but the book is pretty helpful for anyone at all who’s ever resented their partner after having a baby.

I spoke with Dunn to get her top five tips for not hating your partner after kids.

1. Let him screw up.

A friend of mine recently said, about her husband and new baby girl, “He would take a bullet for this kid, but he might forget to put a hat on her.” Remember that social pipeline of information? He doesn’t have it, and if you don’t let him learn, you’re engaging in “maternal gatekeeping,” or keeping him from participating in the nitty-gritty of childcare.

He has to bond with his kids too, and you have to let him make mistakes. That means not hovering and not signaling, overtly or subtly, that you know better. Total immersion is the only way, says Dunn. “Leave the house. Get a coffee, or go away for the weekend. His way is not the wrong way.” (I have recently learned that it doesn’t actually help my sweating husband, when he’s struggling to get the kids out the door, to raise my eyebrows and say “classic mistake—always put your own coat on last.”) If you don’t have both partners fully taking ownership, then you’ll stay stuck in the employer/sullen teenage employee dynamic.

But what, you ask, if your husband doesn’t want to do any domestic labor? What if he’s content to let you be the maker of the grocery lists and the keeper of the pediatrician appointments, summer camps, play dates and special laundry instructions? Then, Dunn, says, you are going to have to learn to …

2. Stay on your own side.

You need to advocate for what you need, or stay on your own side. Now, this advocating can mean losing your temper and screaming that he needs to get off his ass and fold a load of laundry, or no it’s not okay to take a long nap after a long hot shower after taking a long solo run all morning, or you can have a civil conversation and divide up the chores. And keep having that civil conversation, weekly or monthly, as new responsibilities crop up and others fade away. (Goodbye diapers, hello baseball camp.)

Dunn suggests dividing housework based on who likes or loathes what chores—her own husband hates the grocery store (“the crowds, the florescent lighting, whereas I like seeing the new products and thinking about what I’m going to cook”) so food shopping has become her responsibility. He’s compulsively punctual, so he’s in charge of all things time-sensitive, like bill-paying and taking his daughter to her classes.

Not staying on your own side means stewing in silent fury as you do the dishes, bathe the kids, pack lunches and fold laundry—while your spouse reads a magazine in bed. It means presenting things as a choice: “Do you want to do baths or dishes?” and then, after that, “Do you want to fold laundry or pack lunches?”

This doesn’t necessarily mean that you get to dictate exactly how the chores get done—my husband prefers to pack lunches and do dishes in the morning, so unless I want to do these things myself…they’re waiting until tomorrow.

3. Insist on your half-day.

Dunn tells me that “weekends should not be a forced march” of childcare and chores. “You need to negotiate weekend time, and ask each other ‘what are we doing this weekend that meets everyone’s needs?’” She calls it the “everyone sort of wins” strategy.

My husband and I long ago agreed that we would each get a half-day off, every weekend, in which we could sleep in and had no childcare or housekeeping responsibilities. Even if we’re all home, one parent is off duty. When my kids inevitably ask me if they can have a snack/watch TV/set fire to something, I say “Daddy’s in charge till lunchtime,” and they take their requests to him. (Answers: yes, yes, and depends on what it is.) I read in bed or go for a run or meet a friend for coffee, with no comment from him. He watches the Braves lose five games in a row, with only a few comments from me (“This is how you relax?”). It’s blissful.

4. Have sex during Tae Kwon Do.

Who has energy for sex when you’re caught in a mudslide? Many new mothers feel like sex is just another demand on their time and bodies, and it’s often easier to say “not tonight, dear, I have a long Netflix queue.” Dunn cites research that claims the marital “sweet spot” for sex frequency is once a week, and that the ideal length of time for intercourse is seven-13 minutes (insert standard note here that intercourse is of course not the only way to have sex). That’s really not a lot of time—and if you, as Dunn did, ask your husband to take some of the evening routine off your plate by putting the kids to bed a tad early, it won’t cut into your precious, precious, sleep time.

For others, scheduling sex is the only way to make sure it actually happens. Dunn tells me about a friend who has a standing sex date with her husband while their twins are at Saturday morning Tae Kwon Do (a drop-off class, I presume). My own husband, at one point defeated by the relentless demands of a baby and a preschooler, said desperately, “We’re going to have to start paying for sex.” When I asked him to, uh, clarify, he said, “We need to hire a sitter to take them out of the house for a few hours or we’ll never have sex again.” Nothing like paying for a babysitter to make you use your time productively!

And having good sex means you’ll want to have more sex, so getting over that first hurdle, so to speak, will make you more eager to do it again. (Disclaimer that no one should be having sex unwillingly—these are just tips for finding time and getting in the mood.)

5. Learn to fight fair.

“Know that your baby is affected [by your fighting],” Dunn says. “If you’re fighting over her head, making a few choice gestures, she’s getting those stress responses. We were in a pattern called ‘Demand-Withdrawal,’” in which one partner tries to get the other to do something, or to engage and communicate, and the other one just shuts down. The relationship gurus John and Julie Gottman call this stonewalling, and it’s one of the big predictors of divorce. (Um, maybe because it’s enraging.)

Dunn and her husband went to couples therapy—and even consulted with an FBI crisis negotiator—to learn to fight fair, and to fight away from their daughter. They learned techniques such as “mirroring,” when the person echoes what the other person just said, and paraphrasing the gist of their complaint. She said, “And sometimes you have to laugh because the paraphrasing is wildly off—‘You’re angry because I stepped around you while you were emptying the dishwasher’—‘No, I’m angry because you stood there jingling your keys and saying let’s go instead of offering to help.’”

For her part, Dunn had to learn to control her temper, which a therapist told her was verbally abusive, and to ask directly for help, rather than spiraling into a rage cycle when her husband couldn’t read her mind.

How To Not Hate Your Husband After Kids is extremely helpful, and even comforting, if for no other reason than you realize that many couples are confronting the same programming and conflicts you are—and have managed to fight their way clear.

“We’re only a generation or two away from the homemaker/breadwinner model,” she says. Every couple has to reinvent what’s right for them—a strict feminist model calls for a precise 50-50 split, but Dunn argues for what “feels equitable” to each couple.

And Dunn notes, while we’re talking, that her book isn’t necessarily going to help a marriage that’s really far gone. All of her research-backed advice is predicated on the belief that both parties are good people who want everyone to be happy—it’s not, obviously, for people in abusive relationships or even for women married to partners who are just fine with watching football all weekend while their wives clean, cook, and chauffeur.

“A lot of people have come up to me [since the book was published] and say ‘too late! I already hate my husband!’” she says. Her stock answer has become: “‘Therapy, both couples and individual, really helped me—and maybe it can help you.’” To me, she continues, “and maybe it will help that person get out of their marriage—to ask themselves, ‘why am I letting myself be treated like this?’” Towards the end of her book she cites a comment from sociologist Scott Coltrane: “One of the biggest shifts in recent years is that many women will simply not put up with partners who don’t contribute at home.”

We can’t necessarily do anything about the mudslide. We can’t necessarily do anything about the gender-role programming we received in childhood (and continue to receive). But we can stop and have a conversation about who takes the kids to hockey and who goes through the bills. We can have sex during Tae Kwon Do. We can make sure that everyone sort of wins. And that’s how not to hate your husband after kids.

But What If You Still Hate Your Partner?

Everything I Learned About Relationships by Sucking at Dating

Five Communication Mistakes Almost Every Couple Makes

What You Can Do Right Now to Safeguard Your Relationship Against a Bloody, Messy Death

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thedivinefish · 3 years

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