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fieldofsecretss · 1 year

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!1k SPECIAL!

Theme: all of the above, you might’ve to sit down for this loves, it’ll be very very veeery long, grab a drink and a snack or something ; )

Pairings: Draco Malfoy x Female!Reader

Warnings: This will contain SMUT, [18+] themes, FLUFF, dark DARK subjects and stuff, maybe a bit ANGST

[this little celebration fic will have multiple fics in it]

A/n: feel free to skip this speech and just jump straight into the fic below the cut, but I’m happy if you’d like to read it anyway <3

I remember when I was jumping and squealing in happiness when I reached 100 followers. A year ago I posted with zero expectations and yet here I am with 1000 beautiful people following MY blog and reading MY work🙄 first of, why? But let’s be positive here!

I know I haven’t been as active as I’ve promised y’all to be, but I’m trying my best, believe it or not but I have a life outside tumblr too😂 I’m trying my best loves <3 anyway if you’ve read this, thank you for being patient with meeee!

——————————————————————

His head cocked to the side as his eyes marveled over all of the...things laid out before him. He couldn't seem to understand the numerous brushes varying in designs and sizes. He was confused by the small black container with a circle containing some sort of pink powder. Draco had absolutely seen makeup before, but he never knew how extensive it was, he had only ever seen some lipstick and eyeshadow tops!

"What are you looking at, Love?" Your voice called out when you entered the bathroom smiling, to see him staring at your makeup laying on the countertop.

"Is ALL OF THIS your makeup?" Draco asked shocked, not believing that there could possibly be more.

You smiled quite sweetly.

"Some of it, yeah. Haven't you seen makeup before?" You giggled, feeling entertained by his surprise.

"Of course I have. I've never seen my mother without it on, but this is so...fascinating." He drawled, sitting down in the chair in front of your makeup mirror.

You watched with content as he studied the things that stood out to him, answering most of his questions when he had them.

"What's this for, y/n?" He wondered, picking up a metallic-pink tube of mascara.

“See how long my lashes are?" You pointed out, batting your thick black lashes so he could see the effect.

He raised a brow at that, setting down the tube and continuing to rifle through your stuff, you couldn’t help but compare him to a little raccoon. You went on to explain how blush went on your cheeks for a rosy glow, and how the bottle of setting spray kept everything in place the whole day. He was perfectly amused and amazed at how much time went into your makeup routine everyday.

A radiant grin spread on his features when he suddenly spotted something familiar.

"Now I know what this is." He announced, holding up your favorite lipgloss.

It was a light, pinkish-peachy shade with small sparkles that he knew you wore almost everyday. It was also his personal favorite on you...it was cherry flavored too, so that’s a plus.

"Oh, I know you do," You smiled, "Actually, would you mind handing it to me? I need to touch up a bit."

Draco, though, didn't hand it over.

"Can I...put it on for you?" He requested, playing with the wand of the tube, listening as it make sticky sounds.

You beamed as you sat on the counter, prompting him to stand up to be level with your face.

"Go for it." You granted.

The young Malfoy couldn't hold back the small smile as he dragged the lipgloss across your lip, his eyes narrowing a little in concentration.

Draco was surprisingly good at it, his steady hand creating an even layer of lipgloss on both lips. Not too much and thick not too little. You rubbed them together when he was done, popping them dramatically when he stepped back to look.

"Pretty?" You asked when you saw the satisfaction on his expression.

He cupped your face with his slender ring clad hand, looking into your y/e/c eyes that he loved endlessly.

"Pretty."

You pressed your lips onto his in a sticky lipglossy kiss, leaving his lips with some sparkly lipgloss on them.

“now you’re pretty too!” You said happily as you wiped his lips with your delicate fingers

——————————————————————

Draco was sat down on the couch in the Slytherin common room with a lit cigarette in between his ring clad fingers, inhaling a deep and slow drag of smoke every once in a while. With him was Blaise, Theo, Crabbe and Goyle. Just talking shit about Gryffendoor’s, a normal Saturday...basically.

While they rambled on and off about boring shit the door opened and in came a walking y/n, makeup natural but still refreshing and wakening. A white crop top with a blush pink unzipped jacket and jeans. A sight for sore eyes as Draco would say every time he saw you, his loving girlfriend.

“Well hello there, love” Draco greeted you as you plopped down onto his lap. You looked up at him and pouted, he raised one eyebrow.

“Kissie, please” you said closing your eyes, and soon his lips crashed on yours and his large hand cupped your jaw per usual. Gods you’d die for him without a second thought. He tasted like smoke and mint, him you thought. Suddenly his tongue swiped over your lower lip, smudging your cherry lipgloss earning a irritated groan from you while you pulled away. You patted his cheek making him chuckle a little.

You pulled up a little pocket mirror so that you could apply a new coat of lipgloss when you heard a high pitched giggle. You put down your mirror and looked up in front you, raven black hair, yup. Of course it had to be Pansy fucking Parkinson.

“Well, well, dracie. Still together with that bitch I see, I’m genuinely shocked that you two are together still. I mean you can do so much better than...that” Pansy mocked while giving you a disgusted look.

Before Draco could open his mouth to even talk back you interrupted him with a rather calm voice and a mocking smile.

“You hate on me but are still watching? Honey you’re a fan” you snapped leaning back on Draco’s chest while laughing sarcastically. Draco knew he never had to defend you but he’d never sit down and watch his girlfriend take shit from a attention seeking prick like Pansy, but he knew you hated it when he interrupted your and Pansy’s famous fights.

“You’re just jealous that i fell for y/n instead of you, move on!” Draco sighed loudly.

“Oh please, jealous of that skank? No thank you, I mean look at her! She’s a bitch that has too much confidence! What do you even see in her? She’s not even pretty, she’s not even skinny enough and not to forget that she’s a fucking brat” everyone could see Pansy’s blood boiled.

“She’s fucking perfect, not common trash like you Parkinson, her body is perfect, the prettiest fucking woman I’ve ever seen. She doesn’t seek for attention like you” Draco said kissing your cheek.

“I mean yeah. I love my curves, my imperfections, my jiggling thighs, no one said you have to. If you low-key don’t like me, I highly don’t care. Queens don’t compete with hoes, sweetie” you said in a singsong voice. Then everybody in the room started laughing except Pansy who speed walked out in anger.

You turned around to face Draco with an expression of victory.

“Y’okay, love?” He asked rubbing your cheek with his thumb and eyebrows furrowed in concern.

“Some people are like clouds you know, when they disappear, it’s a brighter day” you giggled in response and nuzzled your face in the crook of his neck.

“You are a genius, love” he said while tickling your waist making you squirm and laugh until you heard a cough.

“We’re still here y’know?” Blaise said at the couple.

——————————————————————

Draco’s POV

I’m hanging out with my friends when I hear shouting. I look up and see y/n, my enemy, arguing with a gryffindor girl.

It looks like the gryffindork is loosing this battle. Suddenly her, what looks like her boyfriend, stands up and pushing the gryffindor girl behind him.

He’s now shouting at y/n. I clench my fists and stand up.

“Where are you going?” Blaise asks. “I have priorities” I reply simply.

I make my way over to y/n and snake an arm around her waist and pulling her towards my chest.

“If you don’t stop yelling at my girl, I’ll make sure you’ll never talk again” I say coldly.

The guy goes to say something back but the gryffindor girl pulls him away from the scene they created.

Y/n turns around and gives me a grateful nod making me chuckle.

“I know some other ways to thank me, love” I whisper in her ear getting flashbacks from last night, all I could hear was her beautiful moans and pleads of pleasure

——————————————————————

Draco’s hips slammed in and out of your tight cunt with an inhuman pace; his chest is draped across your front, arms up and around your back and holding you flush to him, skin to skin, sweat against sweat. You’re absolutely gone as he pounds into your wet and sensitive pussy. You’re too cockdrunk to even react to his harsh thrusts, although every snap of his hips pushes you closer and closer to the release you so desperately need, you’d do anything to just have an amazing and breathtaking orgasm.

Draco’s pace gets slower, deepening until the head of his cock is nestled almost painfully against your cervix. His cock felt so much bigger than usual, you think absentmindedly — the way he’s pushed himself so deep into you, so far into you has you squirming. This was sex in a whole new level.

“shh, shh, bunny. Gonna stuff you so full of my cum, alright? gonna make you feel so good. Gonna give my pretty princess a baby. Would you like that? you want daddy’s baby?”

“yes, yes daddy, please. I want it, I-I need it,” you whimper, you could practically not think, just blabbering and clawing at his chest. Draco pushes your knees against your tummy making your knees touch your tits, revelling in the way your puffy and abused pussy swallows him whole, folds hugging him tight, sticky wetness oozing out around his cock. Your expression is dazed, fuzzy, jaw slack and hooded eyes, shedding tears of pleasure.

“Okay, bunny” he groans, “gonna fill you right up, and you’re gonna take it all like a good girl.”

He collapses, resting all his weight on top of your pathetic body, pressing your back into the bed. You can feel his cock twitch inside of you and then a pleasurable warmth floods your insides. Draco lets out an almost pornographic moan, forcing himself back up, regaining the strength, to angle your hips upwards. when he pulls out, your hole gapes and shrinks. you feel empty - too empty - after being stretched by his fat cock. you inhale sharply, gripping Draco’s forearm tightly.

he uses two fingers for scooping the steady stream of cum leaking from you and push it inside your sensitive hole again.

“daddy, too much. Please, please too much,” you whimper, your cunt is far too sensitive and the added pleasure is bordering to pain. Draco groans, pinching your nipple making you squirm and whine.

“stay still. gotta keep it in, princess. make sure it takes, hm? you’re all messy.” he tilts your hips at a steeper angle. “Such a messy girl…my messy girl, isn’t that right, princess?” He said in a husky voice.

“Mm, yes daddy. M’only yours…”

“Wanna hear you say it. So so.” He prodded and you gave in of course.

“Only your messy girl, daddy”

——————————————————————

“I’m gonna fill this little cunt of yours with my cum, okay? And you’re gonna take it, no whining and most importantly, no moving.” Draco ruts into you from behind, arm slung around your waist as he empties his load into you, making you writhe around from the fact you were still on edge, having not hit your high yet.

“All in due time, m’love. I’ll make you feel good, just wait a little bit longer.” He presses wet kisses to the back of your neck, whispering sweet nothings into your ear as he drags time on, wanting to make sure he’d done enough to get you pregnant with his child.

Draco slowly begins thrusting into you again, low squelches emitted as you start back on the path to tipping off the edge, needing your own pleasure to hit you already.

“See baby, that wasn’t so bad. Now just breathe, and let me take good care of you..after all, this may be one of last times we can do it before that baby in you starts growing.”

——————————————————————

“So…how was your date?” Draco asked you, his jaw was clenched and he couldn’t find himself to keep eye contact for longer than a second you noticed.

“Oh, yeah. Fine I guess” you answered while fidgeting with your bracelet on your left wrist. Yesterday you went on a date with a guy named Johnny, you knew him from some of your classes. He was a Gryffindor, quite popular actually. Known for being good looking and a girl magnet, but recently he’s been thirsting over you for some reason.

For weeks he’s been trying to get your attention, flirting and holding books and doors open for you. You didn’t like him, you just couldn’t see the hype about him, he was an asshole after all. A snobby kid with social issues who thinks he’s the best of the best, of the halfbloods.

Draco could say the same within a heartbeat.

But when he asked you out on a date, you just said yes for him to leave you alone afterwards. The start of the date was going okay-boring but not horrible. You had some dinner and talked, but he didn’t even give you a chance to speak, he was selfishly rambling about his fortune and girls that wished that they had your place in that moment. Let’s say you couldn’t wait to tell Draco and laugh about all of this shit. But the night took a weird turn when he found out you were a virgin…he insisted to change that for you.

“You sure? You’re acting the opposite” Draco pondered, he knew you and all of your behaviors.

“Uhm, can I ask you something? It’s like very very personal so please don’t be weird about it, dray” you said while you took a deep breath. He looked at you with disbelief.

“Y/n, you know you can ask me anything. We can tell each other anything and everything without feeling judged” he huffed out. You just nodded.

“So? Go on!” He said impatiently. He wouldn’t dare to say it out loud, but he loved that you only told him

about your problems, he loved the trust.

“Is…is sex supposed to…hurt?” You almost whispered. Draco’s eyes widened at the question, he was prepared for you to ask him about something…less sexual. You didn’t dare to look at him. Did he hear you right?

“Sorry, come again?” He asked as he put all of his focus on your words. You sighed, now it just got weird

“I said, is sex supposed to be that…painful?” Your cheeks were burning hot and your palms were balmed.

“No…! absolutely not, did that halfblood do something he shouldn’t have done?! I swear by Merlin’s beard tha-“ Draco was visibly upset.

“No-no! I agreed to do it. It’s just that it didn’t...- everything happened so fast and it was nothing like I pictured it, and I regret it so much! I wish I could’ve saved my first time for someone special, not with some snobby bloke against a wall in a restroom” you frowned when you saw Draco’s shocked face.

“First time? I’m sorry it was that bad y/n.” He said giving you a sympathetic look. Suddenly a light bulb appeared above Draco.

“I can show you how it’s supposed to feel like, if you want of course” Draco prayed you’d say yes, he’d take such good care of you...but he’d absolutely never force you. Never ever.

You laughed humorlessly, but you stopped when you saw his neutral facial expression. You thought for a second...was he serious?! Is he joking?

“You mean that?...”

“Of course I do.”

“....O-okay.....” you flusterly agree

“No none of that, you’ve gotta tell me y/n...do you want me to show you, really? I want to hear you say it..I need to hear you say it and mean it” he stood close to you, you could feel the warmth radiate from his body.

You look up at him to look him in his beautiful eyes...you nod.

“I want you to show me Draco”

(This one sucked though)

——————————————————————

Hot silent tears danced their way down your cheeks, leaving a black-ish trail of mascara under your eyes. You were tense.. your shoulders trembled and rattled through every deep breath you took, you were almost dizzy while you briskly walked. You were headed to the only place you felt safe. The only place you felt the most accepted and cared for, Draco’s dorm.

The walk there was long and risky, filch could catch you at any moment, it was a 50/50 chance. You were bound to get there though, because this couldn’t wait. You could’ve waited until the next morning, but you hoped the icy air in the hallways could calm you down a bit, which it did to a certain degree. Finally nearing his door your breath mellows out a little bit while you sniffled through the fast tears. You know the moment you see him everything is going to come rushing back to you again, but for now you find an eye in the storm. When you lift your gaze from your shoes you were right in front of the dark wooden door you were oh so familiar with.

Taking a big breath, you lifted you fist and knocked four times-for good measure. No matter how many times you’ve been there doing the exact same thing, this time it felt extra loud as your knocks echoed in the airy building. You heard shuffling from the other side, you lifted your hand and focused on your knuckles, feeling yourself starting to drift into your own mind. Before you venture too far into your own mind, the hinge of the door opened, bringing you back as you gaze upon those beautiful metallic eyes of his.

He immediately absorbs your appearance. Each emotion of concern, worry and shock spread across his features.

“Love, what’s wrong? Are you alright? What are you doing here this late, you could’ve gotten spotted”

Each question of his whirls past you, overwhelming you and simultaneously easing the ache in your bones just by hearing his deep voice.

You immediately tackle him into a hug, nuzzling your face into his casually clad chest. A white t-shirt he opted to wear for the night.

His body reacts faster than his brain as he expands his large over your back, protecting you from what seems to be bothering you. The deep rumble in his chest indicates he’s starting up his interrogation again.

“Sweetheart, you’re scaring me. What’s going on?” His voice firm yet gentle.

“I-I’m fine, I just-well..” your voice slightly muffled by his shirt but his attentive ear catches them.

“Come on, let’s get you inside, yeah?”

“Yeah ok..”

He slightly breaks the embrace to gently lead you into the familiar second ‘home’ and leads you to sit down onto his tightly made bed.

Still holding onto your shoulders he sits you down onto the dark green covers of his bed, he leans his body closer to yours, meeting your eyes as he ducks his head a little to be in eye level. He scans your face, the worry evident and unmoving. Yet he waits for your words..

“I have no idea where to start, dray”

“And that’s okay, take a deep breath and relax. Can you tell me what’s going on in that pretty head of yours?” He asks softly, almost uncharacteristically softly.

At the moment you just think of how gentle he is with you, how he is the rock in your life.

“I’m thinking of you…a-and how gentle and loving you are towards me” the tears now again making their appearance known by rolling down your cheeks. But this time his ring clad hand catches the tears before they fall.

“I-I came over because I need you Draco...I needed my Draco because I don’t-.” your breath catches in your throat as you fight the lump resting there “because I don’t have anyone else I can tell this to”

His hands found yours. He nods along with your words. Really absorbing every word that leaves your plump lips.

“Okay baby. You know I’m always here for you and I’m glad you can trust me this much, whatever it is you can tell me”

“I know” you say giving him a watery smile. He waits patiently for you to begin to talk again, anticipating every word. You take a deep breath and sigh.

“I just couldn’t hold the weight of this anymore, dray. It’s too heavy for me”

“What weight, love?” He asks as he feel his heart starting to sink

“Me being...” you pause, the word catching on your tongue. This was it. The moment that had driven you mad. Made you feel like a freak. The real reason you felt like an outcast, and outsider. The truth you’ve been harboring for years. You had suppressed it, not realizing until you got older and your brain got more developed, you’ve run from it but now your legs were tired. The fear that held its grip on you was about to unclench now, with him..your Draco.

“I’m bi-bisexual, Draco”

The words hang in the air, the world felt as it zoomed in on the two of you.

“Oh sweetheart…I’m so proud of you. I love you, thank you for telling me”

“Oh Dray, I love you too and I don’t want you to think that I’m not committed to you or-“ he cuts you off mid ramble.

“No Sh sh sh, love I wasn’t thinking that”

“Okay” you replied.

There’s a beat while you two process what had been said, so you continued to explain what lead you to come out to him.

“So I’ve been dealing with this for a long time...I-it’s just..it’s been heavy on my mind lately and was getting too much to hold in”

He nods, acknowledging how vulnerable you are this very moment.

“Tonight it just bubbled up and eventually spilled over I guess..” he hangs onto every word you say.

“I received a letter tonight and I snuck out to see you because my parents...they-“ you feel yourself begin to choke up as you think of their harsh words.

“Breathe y/n, it’s okay you got this” he comforts.

“They said some really nasty things about gay people and I had to pretend it didn’t affect me at all, but when I was alone and read the letter and those things they said I just broke down, I just lost it” tears run down your face in a fast pace, your hand begin to shake in pent up anger, sadness and pain

His grip on your hands became firmer, he grounded you, encouraging you. He leaned his forehead against yours, brushing his beautiful nose against yours in a loving gesture.

“My beautiful girl, so strong..I’m so incredibly proud of you. And I’m so sorry your parents are pricks”

“But that’s the thing Draco, you’ve met them and they aren’t necessarily bad people but-“

“They are idiots”

“Yeah…you’re right..they are.”

Draco now feeling more protective of you than ever says,

“How dare they make my sweet girl feel this way, huh? Wait until my father hear about this shit” he looks into your sad eyes.

“You’re perfect to me, if being bi is who you are, then it’s who you are, love”

You give him a little smile which he reciprocates happily. You were convinced he was an angel sent down to you. How divine it was having someone loving you for you.

“Thank you Draco, I love you”

“Of course, I love you too y/n”

You give each other a shy eyes, he starts to lean in before stopping close enough for you to feel his minty breath on your lips.

“This okay..?” He ask for your permission

“Always, dray” you breathe out and your lips connects in a bruising, loving and emotional kiss..

And then it was sealed...

——————————————————————

“Baaaabe.” You heard Draco moan from the bedroom. You sighed slightly and turned the heat down on the soup you were heating on the stove before making your way into the room. You leaned against the doorframe as you looked at your boyfriend from his spot in the bed. He was laying with all the pillows and blankets he could find and was completely bundled up. He was sick with a really bad cold and you had offered to come over and help take care of him. You just weren’t expecting him to be so demanding about it. Or no, you actually did. It’s Draco we’re talking about.

“What do you need, dray?” You sighed, he had been calling you back here every few minutes since you got here an hour ago.

“I’m lonely.” He pouted, jutting his bottom lip out for emphasis, his voice strained from being congested. Gray eyes a little red and watery.

“Lonely? How could you possibly be lonely? I’ve been in here every 5 minutes.” You said slightly exasperated.

“But you don’t staaay.” He whined. You smirked at that, who knew the scary and mean Draco malfoy, one of the sacred 28 was such a baby when he was sick? Not you, that’s for sure.

“How can I stay if you keep sending me to get you stuff?” You shot back, not able to keep away the amused tone from your voice.

Draco thought about that for a moment, obviously the sickness was not making him think as clearly as he wanted. “I don’t know, but you need to do both.” He said with a grin, obviously playing around

“Well how about I finish making you the soup you asked me for and we can snuggle a little while you eat? I can even play with your hair like you like. Okay, you big baby?” You offered, rolling your eyes. You saw his tired expression brighten slightly at the suggestion

��Okay! Thank you.” He responded, coughing slightly from the excitement. You turned to walk away before Draco stopped you. “And baby? I love you.”

You smiled at him, the sweetest smile you could put on, before, “I know.” You laughed as you walked out of the room and down the hall.

“Bunny?!” Draco exclaimed loudly, coughing again. “You have to say it back!” He yelled as loud as he could at you, voice raspy. Only your amused laughter (bordering on a cackle) was your response.

You walked back in a few minutes later to a very pouty boyfriend, you walked over to him and passed him the soup before getting in the bed next to him. “Eat up, baby. It’ll help you get better.”

“Not until you say it.” He said petulantly. You laughed lightly and ran your hand through his hair, lightly scratching his scalp at you did. You didn’t miss the small content flutter of his eyelids at your motions, smiling softly to yourself.

“I love you too, pretty boy.” You said adoringly. “Even when you are a pain in my ass.”

Draco beamed at you, “Good, ’cause I plan on being a pain in your ass until one of us dies. So get used to it.” You laughed loudly at that, not missing the butterflies you felt. You couldn’t wait for forever with this wonderfully ridiculous man. “Honestly, I could have died and the last thing you said to me was ‘I know’ when I told you I loved you? Who do you think you are?”

“Okay okay, calm down big boy. I’m sorry, I love so so very very much!” You said and gave him a big smooch on his lips, not caring if you’d get sick too.

——————————————————————

With a smirk donning on his face he said “So, you love me huh?”

“I think it is pretty evident by now”

“Nah I’m not convinced,” he said staring deep into my eyes. I knew what he wanted

I nudged my nose on his neck, licking his earlobe slowly as his breath hitches

“Tell me daddy…how can I convince you?” I almost purred, voice breathy and hot.

“Wanna be daddies good girl?”

I whined, his words going straight to my core, making me feel the hot wetness pooling. I loved how quickly and smoothly the dynamic shifts between us.

“Mhm, please daddy…wanna be your good girl-

——————————————————————

Pain, sadness, anger

That’s all you felt right now. You were seated on the edge of your best friends bed, Draco. Sniffles and sobs was all you could muster.

“H-how could I be so fucking stupid!” You said, voice broken and laced with anger...

“It’s not your fault he’s a fucking player, y/n” Draco said while rubbing your back soothingly, in a attempt to calm you down just a bit.

“But I fell for his game, Draco! I didn’t realize how badly he treated me all along, I wish I could’ve just turn back time and fucking kick him right in the-“

“Okay! Okay, I get it darling. No need to get aggressive. I warned you about him everyday, but you would be so stubborn and not listen to a single word I had to say about him.” Draco said and you just looked at him with an apologetic look.

“I’m sorry...” you said full of shame

“For what exactly, darling?” He asked confused as if he had missed something

“For not listening” you answered. And he knew this was so wrong in so many levels, but the way you looked at him with tears decorating your cheeks, a few buttons on your school shirt undone showing cleavage and the way you apologized made his cock harden…

“You have always treated me right and making me realize my worth, I don’t know why I didn’t listen to you this time-“

You were cut off by Draco smashing his lips on yours, you were taken aback by his sudden action at first but soon you returned the kiss. It was hungry, rushed and it were full of…something you couldn’t describe...

He pulled back to catch his breath and look at you for consent. You gave him a encouraging nod. Lips were connected again, he laid you down on the bed and let his hand roam your body. You took the freedom to feel his abs through his shirt and you couldn’t resist to lightly whimper.

“You have been a very bad girl now baby…not listening to what daddy tells you, what happened to the obedient girl who always listened to her daddy hm?” He asked, y/n’s submissive side came to surface immediately.

“M’sorry daddy..” Your thighs rubbed against each other, an uncomfortable feeling in your panties caused by your arousal smearing on your thighs.

“Didn’t ask for apologies, angel” he said and flipped you around so you were laying on your stomach and Draco behind you.

“Ass up baby girl” he said, voice determined and husky.

And you obeyed, arching your back and pushing your ass up. You felt him move and switch behind you, spreading your cheeks apart and pressing his thumb at your entrance.

“So wet f’me already?” He mocked with a cocky smile. He hiked your skirt up to reveal your perfectly built ass...

He gave your ass a rough squeeze making you let out a airy moan. He stopped and pulled you to the edge of the bed. He bent down to give your lower back a kiss before standing up again running his hands along your body.

“I hate to see you cry, angel...” he said. But that’s not true, he took quite pleasure in seeing you cry. Having you tremble and sob was the most goddamn beautiful thing he'd ever seen.

“Sorry I was a bad girl and didn’t listen daddy…” you said tears threatening to fall again.

“Yeah angel, you should be” He wanted to show you what you were missing out while you were busy simping over Zabini who played you around like a show off trophy.

-he wanted to you to be his. No he needed you to be his. He had to prove to you that he owned you, you were his property.

He slipped off your baby blue panties painfully slow.

“Now angel…gonna let daddy put his cock inside that tiny cunt of yours? Gonna fill you up with m’babies til you’re round, sounds good hm?”

The only word that left your mouth was a weak and pathetic ‘please’

You lifted your hips a little and moved your feet a little wider to show how bad you needed him right now. Draco cracked a proud smile. He unbuckled his belt and let it fall to the ground with a sharp thud, making you jolt up a little in surprise.

Soon enough he’s aligned at your entrance, torturing you with his slow actions.

“You’re mine now” you heard him whisper before he forcefully pushed inside of you, he was so big, the sting making you feel like you were on fire. You made grabby hands to show him that you needed comfort

“H-hold...” you said, voice cracking

“What’s that, angel? Wanna hold hands?” Draco mocked in a loving way. You only nodded while a tear slowly danced down your flushed cheeks. He leaned forward and intertwined his fingers with your small ones. Now the stretch was bearable.

He moved in further, ripping a sob out of you while doing so. Now he pushed even more so that he was buried deep inside of you, he was fully inside of you. He gave you some time to get used to the feeling.

Your legs shook, struggling to take all of him. But apparently nothing is impossible.

He groaned and squeezed your hand a firm squeeze to distract you a little.

“So small, so innocent all for me to ruin”

“You sure you can take this, angel?” He asked.

“Y-yes m’sure but you’re so b-big” you answered stubborn as always.

He started to move and at last he started to thrust deep inside of you. He watched as his cock disappeared in and out of your tight cunt. The pain from the stretch was compensated with the erotic and intimate feeling.

Your walls soft like velvet and the wetness he created making him loose his mind on you.

“Bloody hell, angel” he moaned while he threw his head back in pleasure and you answered with moan after moan...

He was so hard and heavy inside of you

“D-daddy-oh” you said in between moans and pants. Your whole body was sore and tired. His hand soon landed where you were sinfully connected and started to rub rough circles on it making electricity shoot through you. Moans increased in volume and your bodies had a thin glistening layer of sweat.

Draco grunted in pleasure, he felt himself slowly loosing control while fucking you in a animalistic pace.

“Your mine, only mine. I’m not sharing...No one can fuck you like I can, fucking Zabini don’t know what he lost!” Draco said while postponing himself in you in a brutal pace.

The double stimulation making the coil in your tummy tighten and bliss flowing in your veins.

Draco feels how close you were, squeezing him like a vice

“That’s it, c’mon cream all over my cock, cum for me angel” he hissed.

You screamed his name while you fell apart-euphoria. Coating his cock with your release, the mere sight of it and with a bias his thick white ropes of cum filled you up to the brim. The feeling making you shiver. He stayed inside of you to make sure to all of his white sin stays inside of you. When he had catched his breath again he pulled out carefully.

He observed how your small figure shook under him, he smiled lightly and kissed your sweaty forehead . He cleaned you up and you two laid together in his bed.

“Your mine now y/n, if you’ll have me. Zabini don’t know what he lost at all, he lost the world right before his eyes, y/n.”

At that a tear fell, not of hurt, not of pleasure but of love. You were so in love with Draco and have always been, but because of your strong bond you thought he just saw you as a good friend. But now he’s proven to you that you are his and no one else’s.

“Hold me closer Draco” you said and he swore his heart just melted.

——————————————————————

WARNINGS:!personally idk but: crying, dark thoughts, mentions of bad relationship with food and body, ED, sh.

Very personalized but I hope it’s okay anyway <3

You were woken up by the golden light caused by the morning sun, the birds chirped their everyday morning song per usual. You turned to your side just to find the love of your life, the one and only Draco Lucius Malfoy. The boy you couldn’t live without, and he could say the same about you. His light snores and relaxed facial expression made you smile a little, knowing that you were his and he was yours.

You decided to let him sleep a little longer and walked out of bed to go to the bathroom to get ready for the day, one of the benefits of dating a Malfoy, private dorm plus a private bathroom!

You brushed your teeth and tamed your hair after a too good night of sleep and some…other nightly activities with your boyfriend… but when it was time to put on your clothes you walked in front of a big mirror, you knew better than to be a brat and complain about your body and yada yada…but how could you not?

You stood only in your underwear, a pair of blush pink panties and a matching brah, you looked at your legs, then your thighs, the old scares on your inner thighs had started to pale a little, giving away a faint glimmer in the light. Then you looked at your forearms, the scares were fresher there probably around a couple months old. You stood there tracing the scares with a blank expression, not noticing Draco in the doorway you just stood in your own dark thoughts. He cleared his throat which startled you making you jump in place.

“Oh, good morning Dray!” You greeted Draco with a warm smile on your lips as usual. He looked at you with a knowing look before he walked in and hugged you from behind.

“Good mornin’ princess, slept good?” He asked and turned your bodies so that you were facing the large mirror.

“Yup! I’m sorry if I woke you up” you said, but the truth was that you had barely got a chance to fall asleep last night, and it was your dark thoughts to blame. But you knew you’d just make Draco more worried about you than he already was, so you sneaked in a white lie together with your warmest most convincing smile you had.

But Draco wasn’t dumb, he could sense your bad lies but decided to let it be and talk about it later.

“Don’t worry baby, just noticed you’re missing s’ all” he said letting go of you and started to get dressed.

Later that day

Lunchtime came fast today, you sat next to Draco at your table as usual. You had a very bad relationship with food and nobody except Draco knew about your eating disorder that you developed two years ago, in your fourth year in Hogwarts. He has helped you through the struggle at dinner time and you were beyond grateful for him.

“I know we have been taking baby steps, but today I’ll challenge you to eat a whole piece of chicken and vegetables” he said while handing you the plate with a little piece of chicken and greens. It wasn’t much for a ‘normal’ person, but for you it was very stressful and challenging…

“N-no Draco, it’s to much” you faced him with a worried expression. But you got calmer once he gave you a reassuring smile and a pat on your back.

“Don’t worry, princess. I’ll always be with you, let’s do it together hm?” He asked.

You nodded your head, you just wanted to make him proud of you for making progress in this subject. But just when you picked up your fork you heard Pansy Parkinson giggle with her friends a few seats away from you and Draco.

“Look! I think it’s the first time I ever seen y/l/n eat something” she said loud enough for you to hear

“About fucking time, look how her clothes are falling of her body” her friends said, joining her in a fit of cocky giggles.

You dropped your fork as fast as you picked it up and stood up from your seat.

“Y/n, don’t listen to pug face over there! Please sta-“ he grabbed your arm in a attempt to make you stay and finish your well needed dinner, but you yanked your arm away from his grip

“Please Draco, just leave me alone!” You said with a weak tone, your smile was long gone and your y/e/c eyes welled with tears. Draco let go of your arm and watched you hurry out in a horrible state.

He stood up aggressively and looked towards Pansy and her minions with a face red of anger. She just looked at him with a raised eyebrow and arms crossed.

“Thank fucking you for ruining her life! I’ve been trying to get her to eat for the longest time, and just when she was about to take a big step in her recovery you and your brain dead fucking minions tore her confidence and progress down!” He screamed at the raven haired girl, ignoring all the nasty looks he was given by the whole great hall.

“Woah, calm down Malfoy . I am sure she can stand up for herself, the truth lasts the longest. Like have she ever looked in the mirror? Like we wasn’t lying about it”

Pansy said with a gross amount of confidence.

“Honestly, what the hell is wrong with you?...” Draco said while he left the great hall to go looking for you.

Just when Draco opened his dorm room, knowing you never felt at peace in your own. He heard sniffles from the bathroom, he felt panic rise as he thought you’d hurt yourself. He took long and fast strides towards the dark wooden door and knocked.

“Y/n, love? Can you please unlock the door?” He only heard sobs which only scared him more.

“Alohomora” he walked in and immediately found you in a corner with your legs pressed to your chest and head down.

He walked over to you and pulled you in for a warm hug, you buried you face in his chest and let all your tears spill. He grabbed your wrists and examined them, he did the same with your legs. The gesture broke your heart.

Draco saw that his move hurt your feelings, but he had to make sure you were not hurt in any way.

“I’m sorry...” he heard you whisper.

“No stop that, you don’t have anything to be sorry about” he said while his eyes watered knowing how bad you felt now.

“ I-I was going to try to eat but I lost my appetite…” you sniffled. Draco rubbed your back and kissed your forehead with a sympathetic look.

“I don’t blame you princess, I’d loose my appetite too if I saw Parkinson’s pug face” Draco said and was relieved when you let out a little laugh between your tears.

“I just wanted to make you proud. I do want to eat Draco, but it is so hard for some reasons, I don’t want to be this thin believe it or not!” You said and he listened attentive to every word that came out of you.

“I just can’t find myself to eat, and every time you check my legs and wrists a piece of me always dies, because I know its my fault that you don’t trust me anymore. M’sorry” you sobbed out

He picked you up in his arms and put you down on his bed and tucked you in, he gave you a kiss on your cheek, he walked towards the door

“Wait where are you going?” You asked, you thought he was going back to his classes

“Don’t worry, love. I’ll hurry!” He said before he closed the door

Almost 20 minutes later he returned with a tray of different fruits, berries of all different varieties, steaming fresh pasta and a lot of snacks and soft drinks

“What are you up to now, Draco?” You asked as you watched him struggle to close the door with his hands full of things.

He walked up to you in the bed and placed the tray in your lap, he then changed into pajamas pants and a white t-shirt and sat in front of you in the bed with a grin on his face

“ okay princess, this is our plan. You and me are going to eat this pasta together, a also brought fruits and berries because I know you love berries. Then we are going to eat all of these snack while I read to you aloud. Is that okay?”

You just looked at him with so much love so that you wouldn’t be surprised you had hearts in your eyes when you looked at him. You nodded your head.

“Good! You don’t have to eat all of it, don’t feel any pressure because I’ll always be here with you.” He said.

You two ate the pasta together and he was very happy that you ate all of it! And you ate some berries while Draco ate a green apple, of course! Now you laid on his chest while he read aloud, like the cherry on the top he picked your favorite book! He traced small hearts on the exposed skin on your arm and paused his reading to look down at you

“What’s on that mind of yours, love?” He asked, you looked so deep in thought so that he just had to ask.

“You have been amazing to me Draco and I appreciate you so much. But someday you’ll probably grow tired and irritated of my problems, and I want you to know that I don’t blame you if if you do, I get tired of myself” you chuckled at the last part.

“But I don’t know how to live without you, it sounds stupid and dramatic, but it’s the truth.” You looked up at him, he had put his book down and sat himself up against the bed frame.

He grabbed your hands and kissed both of them.

“Y/n, I don’t even want to hear such bullshit, excuse my choice of word but that’s just rubbish! I’ll never in my entire life grow tired of helping you! I could never live with myself if I just left you all alone to deal with those dark thoughts on your own. I need you as much as you need me. I can’t live without you y/n, and I’ll never leave you.” He said while keeping eye contact.

Tears of happiness rolled down from your cheeks.

“Don’t cry princess” Draco said with tears rolling down too

“Now you’re crying!” You laughed as more tears looked like a waterfall in a rainforest

Draco leaned in and gave you a assuring kiss, a kiss that showed so much love it almost overwhelmed you. Yeh pulled away and picked you up and held you in his arms like a baby.

“I’m never leaving you, never princess”

——————————————————————

“wait! Come back! I thought you loved me“ Draco said dramatically to y/n who only needed to go to the bathroom.

“I’m literally just going to the bathroom, Draco, you’re so clingy today” y/n said the last part before she opened the bathroom door, but Draco ran inside the bathroom before she even could register what happened. She walked in too and closed the door after them anyway.

“I can’t even go to the bathroom alone anymore, huh? “ she asked when she sat down on the toilet. He sat down in front of her and just looked at her with heart eyes, even if she was peeing he didn’t care!

“No…y’done now? Let’s go and cuddle…!” He said to y/n when she walked out of the bathroom, to her desk to study for charms. She shook her head to her desperate boyfriend.

“Sorry Draco, but I really need to study right noow...!” She said as she pulled out a pencil and parchment to start her work, but Draco had other her plans. He whined and sighed for literally 10 minutes before he said something

“Y/n? If I can sit on your chair, you could sit in my lap?” He asked while he looked bored at himself in the mirror.

“yeah sure, but you have to behave yourself because I really need to get this done” she said. Draco sat down and pulled y/n in his lap, everything went well until Draco started nipping and sucking on her neck.

“Dray, as much as I love you...you have to stop” he looked at her and hugged her so tight he even got scared to break her perfectly tiny body.

“Sorry love, I just want to be close to you that’s all... had a rough day.” Y/n looked back at her boyfriend and felt quite bad for being so focused on her homework instead of him. But she got an idea!

“I can cockwarm you if you’d like to?” She asked him and his silvery stormy eyes lit up

“Yes, I’d like that thank you” he tried to sound calm but his voice betrayed him.

Y/n chuckled a little when she felt him get hard immediately underneath her. She stood up and took of her underwear so that she only wore a skirt and a black polo shirt. She undid Draco’s pants and lined his now erected cock up by her entrance. She sunk down in his cock and she let out a small groan at the size. Draco did the same, he loved how her velvety walls felt around him…

“Okay, now. Don’t disturb me to much okay love?” She said when they both settled and sat comfortably. Draco felt calm…but he wanted-no, needed more......

—————————————————————-

THERE YA GO LOVES <3

Let me know if any of you actually read all of them! I rewrote a couple of my old fics into this one too!

#sage speaks #draco malfoy smut #draco fanfiction #draco lucius malfoy #draco malfoy fic #draco malfoy imagine #draco x reader #draco smut #draco x y/n #draco fluff #1k special #fieldofsecretss1k

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kasuumi · 8 months

Text

The Curse of being a Gojo and the Blessing of Death

summary: losing the will to live and accepting death as Gojo's sister

genre: angst, no happy ending

words: 1k

Being a Gojo was an absolute curse, and even worse was that I was born a woman. Eventually, you get used to the neglect, the hurtful words they strike you with all because you're his weaker sister.

Adding more to this sob story, the higher ups absolutely despised me and if it wasn't for my cursed energy, they would have done what they did best. Eliminating those they fear because they know they can't handle power.

All I've ever wanted was to feel like I belonged somewhere. Where someone could just, understand how I feel and appreciate the things I do. A group of people to laugh and spend time with.

"Why did I have to be his sister" is all that ever comes into my head. I try to hate my brother, but how could I hate the person almost everybody loves and cherishes so much. I just wish we could be like family instead of being rivals I never wanted us to become.

After all that's happened in my life including the event here in Shibuya, maybe I can actually be worth something for the community for once.

Maybe I can finally give up my dream of creating a stronger connection with my older brother.

Give up on the dream that I could live happily among them

Letting go of the thought that they'll accept me as a woman.

Laying on the floor right now, it's pretty cold. Never been colder in my life before even after experiencing all their stares. Can't feel my legs, they're heavy, too heavy. And my fingers don't move too. Am I dying?

But why does it feel so... calming. I've always thought was death was a terrifying experience.

No one in my life ever cared expect for Fushiguro-san. He knew I was capable of being strong and even said that he wanted to duel when I was on level with him. He said I could do it, which implied that he believed in what I could do. Tears were always brought to the back of my eyes. He cared for me.

I could only talk to him a few times, and it would always be in the most discreet places where I could come across him. But despite only having a few conversations with him, I treated him like a friend, a brother, and even like a grumpy dad.

I laugh at the thought of him driving me to school, which would never happen. But does it really matter what I think right now? The blood is leaving my body really fast, and Toji isn't here anymore. The only person who ever cared and appreciated my existence.

My brother's sealed in a box, and I couldn't help at all. He'll probably hate me so much when he gets out. No, he will hate me. Give me that stare that I fear everytime. His voice cold unlike his usual tone to everyone else. Why does brother hate me so much.

No one's around, last person I saw was Shoko, right before I left where her and Yaga-sensei were located. I wasn't even informed of the disaster but now I'm a victim of it. I guess this was the biggest blessing of my whole life.

Yaga-sensei removed the collar suppressing my cursed energy and told me I wouldn't need it when I get there. These moments only happen when I'm out on a mission to kill curses of higher grades. Always being accompanied by someone who has the ability to unlock my collar, like I'm some kind of dog.

The lights are getting brighter, what's taking so long. Why can't I just die already, it's hurting so much. I cry at the pain, I never wanted pain, no one does.

"GOJO-SAN!!" a voice yells in the distance.

Oh, it's that strawberry haired boy, with tiger stripes.

They've always refrained me from meeting him, probably cause he's got the soul of an angel. They didn't want me forming good connections with everyone fearing I'll get too comfortable and possibly overcome and be stronger than my brother which doesn't make sense at all.

I've only ever caught a few glimpses of him, he's hella cute, and his iconic red hoodie specially designed just for him that makes him stand out. I'm thinking a lot right now, I guess this is what happens when you die slowly and try to relieve the pain by having your mind busy with thoughts.

"Gojo-san, what happened?! I'm bringing you to Shoko-san right now, stay with me!" Yuji says as he picks my body up carefully, securing my limbs in place before he sprints to where we're heading.

"Thank you yuji, for caring. It feels really nice, to receive your kindness. You're a good kid" I tell him, my voice hoarse and light.

I don't even think he heard it, but I can't deal with the pain anymore. Almost like, I can't feel anything too. Can't hear his heavy breathing hoping to get me there on time, the wind rushing by us, the sound his feet make when it comes into contact with the ground.

"Gojo-san?..." Yuji slows down

Gojo Y/N sleeps eternally, in the hands of a boy who holds a curse within him

Gojo Y/N is finally at peace, after being neglected all her life

They lay in in Yuji's arms, a soft smile displayed on their lips with their eyes closed.

#jujutsu kaisen angst #jujutsu kaisen #gojo satoru #yuji itadori #gojo angst #jjk angst #shibuya arc #gojo!reader #can someone make a fic out of this shit post please

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zepskies · 6 months

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I just have to say, genuinely everything in the BMD-verse is some of the best stuff I’ve ever read, BMD has managed to climb it’s way up to being one of my all time favorite fics that I could endlessly re-read and I can’t thank you enough for that. It was so well written and so many subtle details went into making the word feel so real, to the point where I truly felt immersed in the plot and could clearly visualize everything in my head. This fic made me laugh, cry, and had me on the edge of my seat wanting to read more to see where everything went with these two. Reading it helped brighten my day when I wasn’t having the best one. Also I don’t think I’ve ever loved OC’s quite as much as I absolutely love Frank and Loco, you put so much world building and detail into this fic and it really shows so beautifully, you were able to encapsulate the personalities of each character so well, down to the little details in how they react to certain situations or things they’d be likely to say, all while still giving your OC’s just as much depth and personality, you even executed the character arcs so realistically and it was done so damn well. This fic truly felt like a masterpiece and I am so grateful that you decided to create it, so genuinely thank you!

Okay, I didn't expect to cry today but you managed it, lovely Anon. 🥹💚

I've actually been going through a roughish time in my personal life, so you sent me this amazing note at the perfect time...

I'm having a hard time forming actual words right now, but I'm so happy that Break Me Down has become one of your favorite stories, and most of all that it helped brighten your day when you weren't feeling so hot. I definitely have my comfort stories, books, movies as well.

I genuinely put my heart and soul into BMD from conception, to outlining, to writing and editing each chapter. Even now I look at those 19 chapters and can't believe it's something I actually wrote. I'm just a sucker for a redemption story, and after SB's character hooked me, something crazy told me that he should get his chance to become a real hero.

(Here are some more details you probably don't want/need to know about how BMD began. 😅):

After writing Checkerboard, @deans-spinster-witch knows, as I've credited her many times, but she encouraged me to write a "prequel" to expand on how SB might get to that level of character growth.

...And somehow, BMD became an "enemies to lovers" epic. 😂

Thank you also for loving Frank and Loco! I've said this before, but one of the best writing tips I've ever gotten about writing minor characters is this: Write them like they're the protagonists of their own stories.

Give them their own character arcs, however short or long, whether tragic or fulfilled, etc.

When they're in the scene, give them something important to do or say that furthers the plot.

If you can't name a character, 9/10, they probably don't need to be there.

Without both Frank and Loco, Ben and the reader wouldn't have made it through until the end. And those two (especially Frank) now live in my head alongside Ben and the reader and their ever-evolving story.

This fic truly felt like a masterpiece and I am so grateful that you decided to create it, so genuinely thank you!

Damn it, who's peeling onions?! 😭😭

You're so very welcome. 💚💚 It's an absolute pleasure to write for you guys, but also to express myself and get out these stories that live rent free in my head. 😘

(Btw: I totally respect that you're anonymous in my inbox, but feel free to comment on this and let me know who you are -- only if you feel comfortable! You absolutely made my day, hun. 💓)

#ask me stuff #BMD-verse thoughts #writing minor characters #How BMD began #Break Me Down #BMD verse #soldier boy #soldier boy/ben #soldier boy x reader #soldier boy x you #soldier boy x female reader #the boys #zepskies answers

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jasontoddiefor · 1 year

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Absolutely begging for the trans WWX who’s living her best life as Lady Mo, I’m obsessed with this au

(Also I just want you to know there is now a crack version of this incredible au in my head where upon meeting “Lady Mo” playing Wangxian for Sizhui, Lan Zhan has a full on falls to his knees clutching WWX’s going “you’re as beautiful as the day I lost you” alla HTTYD 2, gets a dramatic (to Sizhui, read confused for WWX) “Lan Zhan!?” in response and the Lan Zhan (in an actual miracle of being able to communicate) goes “I raised A-Yuan all of these years for you, I’ve raised our son into a wonderful cultivator” (the miracle has ended, and WWX is currently bluescreening trying to connect the dots of teen I am traveling with is baby I loved what do you mean our son ooo wait Lan Zhan thinks I’m pretty!)

And thus creates the misunderstanding for Sizhui that “Lady Mo” is actually his apparently not-dead mom who’s apparently been vibing as a wandering musician for the past 13 years. Sizhui goes through the five stages of grief before settling on “I can work with this” as a-niang starts showering him with affection and apparently thought he was dead and thus began Sizhui’s grand scheme of luring his incredibly oblivious mother into marriage with his father and it becomes “unstoppable force vs unmovable object, second times the charm on baby trapping, right?” adventures.

This doesn’t matter but it’s important to me that you know this popped into my head. This au is absolutely incredible and there is so much comedy gold. NHS has been left alone in the group project but he still manages to scramble together enough to pass decently, good for him)

1 (Ao3) | 2 (tumblr)

aaah I'm flattered to hear that!! and tbh, it's not so much that NHS has been left alone in the group project but that he decided on the project and then didn't call anyone to do their parts. never got to write it but i figured the whole reveal would go sth like this:

Gusu doesn't look like Wei Ying remembers it, but it has been decades since her attendance. After the war, well, for all that Lan Zhan had asked her to visit, she'd never accepted it.

And look at her now! Going to the Cloud Recesses voluntarily, accompanied by Lan Zhan's little juniors. They're good kids, polite and inquisitive and opinionated and so very alive. She wondered how much Lan Zhan must have changed in the last years to raise them this well.

What if Wei Ying doesn't recognize him at all? No, that can't be. Lan Zhan was too memorable for Wei Ying to ever forget a single detail about him.

"Just ahead now, Lady Mo," says Lan Sizhui. "I'm not sure if my father is home. He's taken to traveling more...."

He trails off, his face splitting into a smile as he looks ahead. "He's there!"

Wei Ying expects some unfamiliar Lan, but no, standing there is Lan Zhan. He looks older, refined, and happy at their return.

Oh, thinks Wei Ying. I always want him to look at me like that.

Playing the dizi isn't always for pleasure, especially chenqing, summoning all kinds of evil, but the song Lan Zhan taught him is like homecoming. Wei Ying watches in delight as Lan Zhan's eyes widen in recognition, she thinks.

The juniors look at her in wonder, but Wei Ying pulls the dizi from her lips with a smile.

"Lan Zhan!" she calls, "Lan Zhan, I heard you're walking around, clearing my name!" And then, just for pleasure, just for herself, she calls his name again. "Lan Zhan, I've been traveling! I've seen the world and it's alive."

I'm alive, I'm here, won't you ask me to come with you a final time?

Wei Ying can't place Lan Zhan's expression until it breaks into something hopeful, something grieving, something lost.

"Wei Ying?"

#the untamed #wangxian #lan wangji #wei wuxian #lan sizhui #ask #anon #fanfic

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turtlecleric · 3 months

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assumption - others have said in need of a hug (yes true) but also,

may not have been praised in the way that you deserved growing up and instead others tried to dim your light because they were envious or wanted to see you fail (->im here to tell you they suck ass. you're everything and more; skilled; determined; worthy; and i love you so so much and i am so so proud of you)

Did you know that I would die for you? Did you know that I love you so goddamn much? Did you?

This is way too much personal info that no one actually cares to know, probably, but. I'm sort of avoiding work on purpose at the moment and I'm having a really rough day. Who needs therapy when you have asks on Tumblr to rant in? (I'm joking, to be clear. Actual therapy is so valuable and important if you manage to find a competent professional who clicks well with you. The only reason I stopped going is because of Covid, time, and money.)

Warning: VERY long vent ahead, please do not feel obligated to read or respond

My dad was really good about praising me in ways that felt genuine, actually, though that made the times he /was/ upset with me all that much worse. My dad isn't perfect, and he's done some things and said some things that I'll never forgive, that I'll never be able to forget, but I would also do anything for him. I know he's there for me when I need it, I know he'll answer when I call, I know that he actually cares about me. He and maybe like two cousins are the only family I would never be able to cut off.

My mom... I guess it was just sort of the baseline bare minimum expectation that I would do things well, so when I /was/ praised it was just like... oh, good job sweetie! Proud of you! But it didn't feel... I don't know how to describe why but... I don't know. Now, when people tell me I do things well I always have that voice in my head that's like "they're just being nice, they don't actually think it's all that great, they expected you to do a much better job than this, actually, why did you even bother sharing? Why did you think this was something to be proud of?" I read way too far into things, interpreting neutral reactions, or even positive reactions that aren't as enthusiastic as I might have hoped for, as proof that people are simply being nice and don't really like what I do or make or say all that much. I always get stuck in this mindset that I'm not allowed to create mediocre content, like it all has to be Excellent or else it's Terrible.

I also remember in high school, posting some drawings on Facebook that I was really proud of. Two drawings, one with hands in chains and cut up and the other with healed hands glowing with holy light and cradling a cross. It was supposed to show the difference between life without God and life with God (I was... VERY religious as a teenager. I am now agnostic.), but she saw the first picture and freaked out, super pissed, yelling at me to take it down, to not embarrass her like that, because people were going to see that and think I was abused or depressed or something (haha... me? Depressed? Nahhhhh). And that was the moment when I knew I could never ever ever share anything even remotely dark with her, that if I ever were to express something that indicated I was anything other than good and happy and perfect then she would react similarly. She's also very judgemental regarding mental health, often made comments about how "people who are/do x are sick, there's just something wrong with them, make sure you stay away from people like that" while I'm sitting on the couch like... oof. That's me. So all my venting went to Tumblr where she couldn't see, and even now I mostly only vent on Tumblr and through writing. I have many wonderful friends that would gladly allow me to vent to them (I love you all so much I love you I love you I love you, thank you for being so kind), but I simply Cannot. I've had a friend before where it felt like all they did was complain, they were always so goddamn negative, and it became a chore to talk to them. I started to get angry every time they said or did something defeatist, I stopped enjoying talking or hanging out with them, and I refuse to be that person. Even if I'm told over and over that I don't come across that way, I'm so terrified of it that when I think about reaching out I start to think of that friend and about how I shouldn't bother people and I panic. Unless I've gotten to the point where I truly believe that nothing I do or say will ruin the friendship, then it's really hard to push through that fear. But that's so much harder than it used to be because I /did/ lose a friend that I thought I would have literally for the rest of my life, I was so 100% confident that we would be 80 years old still hanging out with each other and goofing around, so sure we could go through anything together and stay friends, I knew in my heart and soul that we would be friends until we died, and I was wrong. I was wrong. I also had a different friend who was always there for me, always praised me, always listened to me when I needed it and told me kind things and made sure I felt welcome and loved and viewed positively, and then he fucking assaulted me one night when he thought I was asleep.

Anyway. When I /did/ fail at things growing up, it was either punished more severely than necessary or straight up laughed at. Mom was very hot and cold, too, you could never tell what kind of mood she was going to be in that day. (She is still like this. It's well known in my family that you never know which version of her you're going to get.) Things are fine one moment and then suddenly I'm in trouble for something I didn't even realize I did wrong (like with the drawings), so I'm just. Terrified of not doing well enough at things, of disappointing people, of people being annoyed with me or upset with me over something I didn't even realize was rude or mean or wrong to begin with.

"Don't overstay your welcome; don't bother people" was pounded into my head. I can't express how often I start to say or type something and then think, "No one cares. Stop bothering people. You're being too much, you're being annoying, they're tired of you, just keep it to yourself." I'm working on it but. Yeah. Half the time I still just stop talking or backspace and stay quiet. Even typing this, I'm like... you should delete this. You're basically just begging for attention, and if anyone says anything about this to you then it'll only be because they felt obligated to and they're going to start seeing you as a whiny, pathetic, manipulative person, and they're going to get tired of you and roll their eyes every time you say anything, even if it's not you venting, or they'll see this and think about how stupid or weird it is for you to put this information out on the internet, and even this sentence right here is proof that they'd be right because you're aware of all these thoughts and you're still doing it.

But then another part of me thinks that if I can't even vent on my own blog on a post that literally no one is required to read that is also hidden under a readmore and clearly states that it's a vent post, then where /can/ I vent? And if someone else posted this, would I be this harsh on them? And what's so wrong with seeking attention and comfort? Why is that unforgivable in yourself but admirable in others? Why are you crying at work? Why aren't you doing your job? Why aren't you better? Why aren't you better?

#asks #I'll delete this later probably #fuck #anyway! back to work!#i have so much to do and not enough time to do it so. I'll be working late today. again.

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critterfloozy · 1 year

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Critical Yarns - Chetney

Around 61 yards of highly energized singles, Norwegian Elkhound fur. Fingering Weight. It's a little guy, about 2 ounces.

Yep. Norwegian Elkhound. @loyalhoundart was kind enough to send me some of her dogs' fur so I could try to spin it, and it mostly worked? First of all, the dogs in question:

Their names are Cerberus, Mordred, and Excalibur.

I just spun it without much prep, really. I honestly wasn't sure if I'd be able to spin their fur without mixing it with a wool but it worked out! It's not the strongest yarn ever, but it made some incredibly fuzzy, very energized singles. The picture on the bottom right is what it looked like when I took it off the niddy-noddy. (usually it'll look like a longish loop.

Anyway, after spinning it, I attempted a snow dye (as Chetney's from Uthodurn, so it seemed thematically appropriate). The last time I tried this, it was with Percy, and it was less than successful. This time, I learned. I used a lot less snow and a metal pan, with an old cooling tray inserted so the melt and excess dye didn't have to be touching the yarn.

Instead, I made new mistakes. So, usually when I'm dyeing yarn, I'm dyeing, like 10-12 ounces at a time. The Chetney yarn is, like, 2 ounces. And with snow dyeing, you're not really measuring very much? So I used way too much dye. I'd noticed it hadn't really set by the time the snow had melted, so I changed the water and went to steam-set it. Only there was so much dye on the actual yarn that it dispersed into the water and created the all-over blue.

One day, it'll work the way I expect it to.

I also used white vinegar to set the dye (I usually use citric acid, but I was out and also vinegar seemed thematically appropriate). I do have to say the smell of wet dog and vinegar certainly was ... something.

So usually I'm experimenting with these, but this is probably the most out there one I've tried so far. But again, that felt thematically right for Chetney, and even though it seemed like a novelty yarn that shouldn't work, it actually kind of does? I am planning on trying to make something out of it, so here's hoping.

With Chetney, I'm finished with Campaign 3! Next up is Dariax (which is actually already in the plying stages). Then I'll be working on the rest of the Crown Keepers. I do have plans for Deanna (and FRIDA), but I don't have any goat hair, alas.

You can check out the rest of my yarns in the Critical Yarns tag!

#Critical Yarns #chetney pock o'pea #Bells Hells #spinning #spinning dog fur #fan crafting

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kitkatopinions · 1 year

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New rwby ep dropped V9 ep6, my thoughts, praise, and criticisms (as well as obvious spoilers) beneath the keep reading.

Praise:

I'll give it to rwby, the twist that Alyx had a brother was not expected! I'm proud of them, actually, the two falling lights and the guy in the portrait, and even the footprints in the sand, that was all well done foreshadowing! Good on them.

The blink and you'll miss it reflection of Summer in the water is well done, not a lot of attention drawn to it.

Might hate that Jaune is here, but his line delivery of things like "I was the Rusted Knight" is well done too. Perfectly captures Jaune having wanted to be that, it captured his old feelings of pride that he must've felt, while obviously still bittersweet.

The thing is that I'm half-convinced that Jaune is going to be a secret accidental antagonist, and that his story about Alyx is him being an unreliable narrator, and if that's the case then to me the scene where he talks about Alyx seems - as of right now - pretty good!

The animators are once again knocking themselves out of the park on Blake's facial expressions.

I've already said it in another post, but it deserves repeating that after ten years, rwby confirmed main characters as queer. No matter how it's done (and I talk about my problems with it below) and how badly it's been handled before, it's a point blank period good thing and every bit of rep we see on screen helps normalize it and encourage it as expected for future media.

Again, I have very little praise.... Um, the sound effects remained good? That's all I've got tbh.

Criticism:

Me seeing even a moment of Jaune's POV going through a similar thing to Ruby in the beginning of ep1 was a curse. I am sincerely starting to hate him, and that's such a sad thing because I'm one of the few rwby critics who ever liked him at all (mostly as a concept, he's been used so badly,) but I just get so sick of seeing him and now me at Jaune is like:

Honestly they really just wanted Jaune to get a time-skip and be super old but needed an excuse for why the same thing didn't happen to Team RWBY so they went with special time fruit that he picked that sent Jaune back in time in the Ever After and created himself as the rusted knight he knew from the story in a time-loop worthy of Doctor Who. But I think it's stupid as hell. Sure Jaune jus yank a clock-fruit off of a clock-tree, that sounds like a good idea. /s Sure writers, just make a clock-tree that sends Jaune back in time, that sounds like a good idea. /s

Little is still an annoying intrusion.

Weiss being into Jaune is a bad choice.

I know it's hard for these writers because Jaune fans make up like fifty percent of their most loyal fans (the other fifty are bees shippers,) but if they could stop trying to convince us that Jaune is hot that would be great. Especially because let's not forget that Jaune was a total nice guy to Weiss, bothering her when she'd made it very clear she wasn't interested and I know 'times change' or whatever but it's a bad look to have her thirsting after him now and again it's just gonna feed the more misogynistic Jaune fans.

They cut away from Jaune actually telling Team RWBY what happened of course. Why would the audience want to see characters react to things when we can just understand they had emotions off screen? /s This is just like Yang's story about landing in the Ever After, we just brush it aside, but it makes the emotions so shallow and lacking.

Ruby: "We lost Atlas and the Relic." Blake: "But we got everyone out safely." NOOOoooooo babygirl, you did not do that. Not only were tons of soldiers sacrificed to try and hold her back, but Cinder attacked citizens on that bridge and apparently they were dead in the explosion, and also the Mantle and Atlas citizens were tossed into the middle of a sandstorm and got attacked by Grimm and that last one might not something the girls know, but they know the rest and nobody protests that Blake and Jaune both just think everyone is safe? This is especially weird to me considering that they don't know that Qrow, Robyn, Maria, and Pietro are safe (and they might not be!) And Penny is literally fucking dead. Like no, you guys are just delusional tbh and at this point I legit feel like the writers are trying to manipulate their fans into thinking that what they watched wasn't actually what they watched.

Ruby: "What good is saving anybody if Salem just destroys the world anyway?" Yang: "That's how Ironwood thought." So that's boiling down the volume 7 problem to being incredibly simplistic and tbh in not a very fair way (this is acting like Ironwood didn't want to save anyone in volume 7 and it's acting like Team RWBY had any real plan in volume 7 themselves,) but it's also.... Not wrong. If Salem gets all the Relics, the world could end and kill literally every person alive, Ruby is just saying 'we should've prioritized her not getting a doomsday key because not doing that could lead to Salem KILLING EVERYONE ALIVE ON THE PLANET. Yang is acting like being slightly realistic for two seconds is being on the path of villainy!

Blake's like "Hope the Cat is okay." I understand that the girls are processing a lot, but some of them didn't even think about the Cat risking itself, risking death, after having been freaked out by the Jabberwalker, and now the most they can muster when they remembered it existed at all is "yeah hope it's okay." Shouldn't they be slightly more worried about the life of an ally?

Jaune needs to take a million chill pills. Mr. Trauma he may be but if it's a choice between him or the Cat... I'm taking the cat. And he needs to not pull a "team RWBY" and draw his weapons on people. What was he gonna do, kill the cat? Nice thought, that Jaune might want to be a cold-blooded out-of-anger murderer as well as a it's-what-she-wanted out of kindness murderer.

Weiss: "We've been following this story the whole time and it's not even true?!" Okay, let's review. They arrived in the Ever After and a couple of things that happened to Alyx also happened to them so they assumed that they were going through the story in the same way as her - which is why they played the game with the Red Prince - but then when they beat the Prince's game same as Alyx, they got wildly off track without any of them mentioning it while none of them recognized the Cat right away and encountered a whole character who didn't exist in the book and then said they were off book, and then they went to a market to get a growgurt with none of them even sort of saying Alyx had done the same iirc, And now Weiss is insisting that they have been following the story? No, they stopped doing that like two episodes ago, right? The only thing they've been trying to do in the story is just go to the Tree, and they've been relying on the Cat for that since they ran from the Prince, not the book. So why is Weiss now acting like they've been following in Alyx's footsteps the whole time? They already know the Ever After contains lots of things that weren't in the original book - like the concept of Ascencion and the Caterpillar and other things they act like they don't know about like the loop, so why are they now acting like the story not containing everything in the Ever After is new?

So because of people being mad at the Cat, either the Cat or Ever After itself put everyone in a "punderstorm" (stupid name,) which is a "physical manifestation of a mental or emotional problem" (It's implied the Cat did it, but I'm unsure.) This is another thing that isn't in the Ever After book based on the reactions of the girls, and it immediately punishes Weiss for saying its the pits? Implying that the Ever After itself is an entity with enough consciousness to be offended? Also the gag where Weiss falls through the hole and then reappears falling on her back is very Marvel, very Spongebob. Oddly enough Weiss is just like "yep my bad lol" and doesn't say something like "omg did the Ever After itself just punish me for insulting it?!"

Jaune says the only way out is to fix the problem or 'wait for the storm to pass' before he directs them to keep moving before saying that Blake and Yang must've had 'something bigger' to work out. Here's the thing with that. Yeah, Blake and Yang did have their feelings to talk to each other about, but the Ever After forces them away from the others to talk about their emotional problem, and didn't like, force Jaune and Ruby into a place where he tells her he killed Penny? It doesn't force Ruby to stand across from her teammates and tell them she can't take everything anymore and it isn't fair that she's carrying them on her shoulders? The Ever After doesn't trap Weiss until she works out her clear emotional problems about losing Atlas? The Ever After doesn't put Jaune across from the Cat until they make up again over the situation with Alyx and Lewis? Why is it that Blake and Yang get singled out? Oh yeah, because the writers are singling them out. They might as well have had the RWBY writers appear on screen and shuffle Blake and Yang away from the others while breaking the fourth wall to tell the camera Office-style that they just can't write for characters to do things naturally so please stick with 'em for this brief intermission.

Blake and Yang need to get to the platform in the middle!

It's too bad that they aren't hunters who can launch themselves into the air or have weapons that help them with that!

Yang earlier: "Wasn't Alyx bad? She lied and cheated her way through the whole book." Jaune now: "She wasn't just a little petulant, or inconsiderate. She was selfish, cruel." Either Jaune misread Alyx in the book or Yang did, lol. 'A little petulant' is a minor character flaw (and every character ought to have at least one character flaw,) being a bad example for little kids on what not to do and a liar and a cheat through the whole story is something else entirely! This is hilarious, Jaune and Yang would've been out there accusing the other of being brainless antis who didn't read the same story. XD

So Alyx poisoned Jaune and he died? He says "I was dead" So... how did he come back to life? Is he alive?

Also it's worth noting that Blake and Yang don't even call for Weiss, Ruby, or Jaune and don't act worried about them at all despite the fact that "punderstorms" and their role is clearly also not part of the book. That's not helping the 'no they do care about other people' argument tbh.

Yang: "I like that you've never been intimidated by me." No lie, when I heard this, I burst out laughing. Blake has never been intimidated by Yang? She acted like Yang would hit her because Yang chose to go on a separate mission! Blake has been animated to make worried faces all season long while she tries to patiently coax Yang into not losing her temper like one would talk to a five year old. Blake has acted hesitant to express her worries with Yang - heck, throughout most of season six, Blake was acting like she was waiting for Yang to hit her, and their 'triumphant' moment in volume six was Blake sobbingly trying to assure Yang that she wouldn't ever leave her. Again, these characters are acting like they're delusional. Yang claiming that Blake has never been intimidated by her when Blake as recently as three in-universe days ago at least was ducking her head with a sad face and hunched shoulders while she waited for a scolding looking like she feared being hit because Yang had left her... It just makes Yang look like she doesn't pay any attention to Blake really, and during their love confession, that's a very bad look!

I would so much prefer a love confession where Blake and Yang naturally just told each other how they felt or kissed in the heat of a moment or something rather than having them forced into it, not only is it very fanfic in the worst way but it's also.... Cutting it kind of close to uncomfortable. If I was forced to confess my attraction to another girl, then no matter how sure I felt about my own feelings or how sure I felt that she felt the same way, I'd be pissed off. The fact that Blake and Yang are just like "aww I think we have to tell each other how we feel uwu" and not being like "god the Ever After doesn't even know if we're out and they're forcing this on us?" is weird lol.

Blake and Yang start telepathy communicating with each other?? I think??? And neither of them reacts to it????

Also here's the thing, being completely honest when I don't ship something, the attention and focus the ship gets and the shipping scenes are annoying to me. It's the same thing with Arthur and Gwen in Merlin, it's the same thing with having to watch Aragorn kiss Arwen. It's a complaint that I don't expect or even want to be adhered to because I'm not the only person in the world and I do think Blake and Yang needed the confirmation they got (though with most ships I don't ship my problems usually extend to not thinking they're super well done,) but it did lessen my personal enjoyment of the episode that such a large chunk of it was devoted to this ship that I honestly don't really like. This would be a skip on every watch through tbh.

Jaune: "Feels like I've been waiting forever for that." Buddy, when have you talked to Blake or Yang for more than a minute? Jaune is not only like twenty years removed from this situation but has very little established closeness between either girl involved. I feel like this would be like if I went back to my hometown in ten years and saw two friends of my sister kissing and I was like "I've been waiting forever for that!"

At first I thought I liked the Celtic Women style song that plays when Blake and Yang kiss, but on my second watch of this ep, I feel like I don't.

Anyway, those are my thoughts.... 2/10 episode. Pretty bad generally.

#anti-rwby #rwby-crit #rwde

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theredcapeofk · 5 months

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20 Questions More

A deeper and more detailed version of the 20 questions for AO3 fanfic writers. Thanks @fazedlight for the tag!!

1) How do you keep getting ideas for your ship/fandom?

I have three main sources of inspiration:

my own brain where my ship and fandoms live rent-free.

tumblr: other people's works keep the passion alive and new ideas coming

discussing the ships and fandoms with other fans

2) Which authors inspire you in your fandom, and why are they so freakishly good?

So many of you guys do inspire me for so many different reasons it's hard to make a list.

3) Aside from the characters of your main ship, who are the characters you love to write?

I love to have Eliza around she brings a sense of calm and reassurance to my scenes. I also love to have Esme, she's so cute and I like having her melt everyone's hearts from sheer cuteness.

4) Are there pairings or tropes you know for sure you'd never write about? Which ones?

Writing and reading fanfics have taught me that my views tend to change on ships and tropes. So my never today could inspire me tomorrow.

5) What is your writing process and why is it cursed?

I don't know about a writing process... I get an inspiration and start writing. Sometimes I outline longer fics and sometimes the stories cannot be outlined so I let it write itself as I go. Of course I make the whole thing coherent.

If that wasn't cursed enough, I'll just add that there are times where my brain just won't English so I have to think my writing in French and translate it.

6) What is your favorite part of your writing process?

The outpour of inspiration that makes me write until my eyes/fingers hurt

7) What’s the weirdest thing you’ve had to research for a fic?

I honestly don't remember. But every research I ever make for a fic is a fall down the rabbit hole. You start by a word research and two hours later you end up watching a tutorial on how to comb a Giraffe's hair...(It never actually happened, but you get my point lol)

8) Is there a particular writing rule you struggle with (grammar, spelling, tense, reality in general)?

Sometimes all of the above plus typos and the sequence of tenses? This used to never be a problem, but the further I get from my English classes the blurrier sequence of tenses become.

9) What was your hardest scene to write so far and why?

Fight scenes and action scenes. Like how am I supposed to describe who does what and how...?

10) Have your characters ever done something you didn’t expect, changing your plot completely?

Very often. In Change my Direction Kara was supposed to heal a lot faster. And then she didn't and here we are lol. In My Eyes are Up Here Kara was supposed to spill the secret sooner but she couldn't. And in a project I'm still working on on the rift era, Lena was supposed to cave in sooner but she's stubborn lol

11) If you could converse with any of the characters, who would it be and why?

Definitely Kara and Lena. I have so many questions and I would love their take on what canon left unsaid. I would also like to speak to Brainy and Cat. I would pester Brainy about the 31st century to know the extent of Kara's and Lena's legacy. I'd ask Cat how she managed to create Catco and also what finally gave Kara away.

12) What are some of the tropes or themes that you find yourself returning to in your writing?

Kara and Lena are always idiots in love in my fics and when they do admit their feelings to each other, they only live for one another.

As for themes, I tend to come back to the rift era because canon created a tension that needed solving and their version only broached the surface. And this conflict brought so many things to the surface for the characters there are so many alternate answers to be given I feel that it's an exploration that keeps on giving.

13) What's your most important resource as a writer?

My phone. I've been writing mostly on my phone for years and I love the flexibility it gives me. I can carry it around with me and write whenever inspiration strikes.

14) Can you share some of your strategies for editing and revising your work?

You guys actually have strategies for that? Hahaha. What I tend to do, is highlight words or sentences as I go along. Then, when I'm done with a chapter, I put the fic away for a few days and then I start re-reading the chapter from the start. Best-case scenario I take the highlights off, worst-case scenario I highlight more stuff lol. As some words need translating I try to do this step incrementally because I know how long or hard the language check can be.

When I get stuck to a point where I can't move on, I beg my English speaking friends for help. @lenaralanvers has helped me so much since 2021

15) Which is worse: making the summary, picking the tags, or the anxiety when you post your fic?

The summary is always my absolute nemesis

16) How do you define success for your fanfic - hits? Kudos? Comments? Bookmarks? Or just if you like it?

I think I define it from the hits.

17) Do you have a playlist for your favorite character/ship?

I do have a playlist for Supercorp and it's always growing. There's a lot of Celine Dion and Greek pop songs in it. There's something about Celine Dion's voice and late 90's and early 2000's songs that just screams Supercorp to me. The Greek pop songs have a special way of expressing pain and regret that fits perfectly with the rift era.

18) If fan art was going to be made from your work, which fic would you pick and which fan artist would you like to create it?

If I had to pick someone, I would commission them :). maybe 2024 is the year I finally do this.

And if anyone wants to create fanart from any of my fics please feel free to.

19) How many WIPs do you currently have?

Phew...tough question! I don't have time to actually count them all, but I'd say twelve? out of the top of my head. Some will be one shots, some will hopefully become multichapters.

20) What's your advice to new fanfic writers?

If you want to write fanfic go for it. Don't let anything or anyone stop you from ever writing. Never plagiarize anyone and if you get your inspiration from someone, always give credit.

- - - - -

Tagging (respectfully and without pressure). If you've done the game before, feel free to send me a link to it ;) @chaotic-super, @lenaralanvers , @inkedroplets , @fyonahmacnally if you want some rapid-fire q's thrown your way. But also anyone who'd like to do this!

#20 questions #writing

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delusionaid · 21 days

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✖☠♢☢✿ teehee <333

salty munday meme

You just want to see the world burn~

✖ How has Tumblr RP changed since you started?

My gods, where do I start? When I started we all had ridiculous URLs with 4 dashes in each, we all used random huge gifs as reactions, nobody formatted anything or used small text, and a LOT of people I knew were actually in RP groups and not independent blogs. None of the common staples of RP now were a thing the people I used to write with thought about, I feel: blog rules were none-existent or very very short and basic, exclusivity was not that big a thing (except for the group RPs), blog graphics really didn't matter.

Obviously I can't speak for all of tumblr and all fandoms, but that was my experience in the early days. It felt very low effort and low pressure but high fun. There was a lot less drama than nowadays too, from what I remember, and the overall atmosphere was quite welcoming and.. silly.

☠ What does someone have to do for an instant unfollow from you?

Be rude or mean or cruel or overall obnoxious to me or others. I don't agree with everyone on everything and I don't expect that from anybody else either. But there are things like common decency and manners and mutual respect and tolerance. As long as these things are present, we're going to be just fine. If I see you hating on others or bullying them - and I don't care about your reasons for it - I'm out. We could have absolutely opposing views on e.g. ships but be respectful about it and we'll get along. However, we could have the exact same taste in ships yet I see you hating on other people or being a bully (even if you're nice to me) and we'll absolutely not be friends. Be kind, it takes less energy than being a terrible human being, actually.

Gotta put the rest under a cut because it's long :)

♢ Has anyone ever tried to steal your blog? Your headcanons? Icons? All that jazz

I'm not sure about RP, I don't really pay attention to that. I don't particularly care as long as someone doesn't kinda copy me and then try to go to my writing partners with the same ideas. If someone took my verses or headcanons 1:1 to write them with their own friends and writing partners, honestly have at it. My headcanons also have to be quite specific for me to feel like they're unique to my portrayal. People who write the same muses often come up with similar things because we base it on what we deduce from observing canon and there will be overlaps.

I've had people steal and repost my fanfictions though. And I've had my graphic edits and gifsets reposted without my permission.

☢ What fads/trends are you so over?

Purple prose writing - I never liked it and I never will. Generally excessive formatting too, to be honest. It get that it looks cool, but unless you are engaging in calligram poems the focus on aesthetics over content for me seems a bit misplaced. As always, to each their own, and if that's the art you are aiming to create here then you are doing a fabulous job, but it's simply not what I am looking for.

✿ What do you think about public call out posts?

I think they're bad. More often than not they feel like an excuse to bully people and they create more harm than good. They are never fully honest, never an objective recount of events and never lead to any positive outcomes as far as I can tell. They're the modern online version of trying to create an angry lynch mob to get someone burned at the virtual stake. I reject callout posts and cancel culture in general wholeheartedly.

Of course there are dangerous and shady people in online spaces (like there are away from your computers as well) and in very rare cases it might be good to make a community aware of an ongoing issue or the possibility of something happening. There should be a GENERAL awareness of the dangers of the online world and strangers that could help prevent actual serious incidents. That said, most callouts I've seen are not about serious cases, they're about people having personal altercations that have nothing to do with the rest of the community and should not be discussed in a public war of who's better at making the other look like a psychopath. There are good reasons why in real life, if someone is accused of a crime it's forbidden for people to take justice into their own hands and go after them. When you see a callout on your dash, you never have all the facts, nobody ever seems to question the source of these callouts (enough), they're always incredibly biased and presenting "evidence" out of context (which is the opposite of transparent), and never encourage you to listen to both sides of the story and make your own opinion of it. All of that should make you think twice before you even consider reblogging that. Also: imagine someone wrote a callout about you, with ill-intent, fabricating lies and making your past (& private) messages look shady out of context. Would you want total strangers to shun or even attack you without giving you the benefit of the doubt? I guess not, huh? Do not carelessly treat things as good that you don't want to happen to you in a bad case scenario.

It's just a hard pass for me. I reject this as a way of dealing with personal problems. Not to mention that I don't relate to people's desire to air their dirty laundry on social media. Try to fix your personal issues in private and think about the future consequences of your actions before you publish a lengthy text about someone who wronged you, calling them all sorts of names and things that you will likely find far less appropriate in a year from now, potentially ruining their other friendships, messing with potential new friendships, their chance to calmly reflect on their behavior, and possibly get them ostracized from an entire FANDOM.

#( ooc asks. )#( meme reply. )#thank you teatea!!

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hikari-ni-naritai · 29 days

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Ugh OK so I'm once again not done talking about arifureta. The thing that's been gnawing at me the whole time I was showering is the way the series deals with monogamy as an undeniable harem series. And right at the start I want to be clear, I don't think it's like a Win For Feminism or anything, it is still a harem series and has a lot of the problems that come with that. But as I've mentioned before, one problem it DOESN'T have is treating the girls as inanimately as most harems do. Almost every harem series either has the girls constantly fighting over an oblivious or embarrassed guy who can't or won't pick between them, or has them all completely okay with being one of a dozen sex objects for the same guy. But hajime arifureta starts out as dedicatedly monogamous. And the only other show I can think that did that was Blessing of Ragnarok, which was Really Bad (his actual girlfriend was back in the real world and he didn't have the guts to tell the 400 girls vying for his affections to fuck off). Arifureta meanwhile does it what I would call "pretty well".

To be perfectly up front, inasmuch as I am open to romantic relationships, I am completely monogamous. I'm not capable of feeling romantic attraction to more than one person at a time. And I have no desire to do so. Most of the talk about monogamy on this site (with good reason admittedly) frames it as abusive or possessive or bad in some other way, but personally I see both monogamy and polyamory as functionally the same: both are predicated on trust between the people involved and expect that trust not to be breached. I don't think monogamy is any more natural in humans than polyamory, either. While most animals tend to either practice one or the other, there are some species in which both are naturally occurring. One I'm thinking of is a species that has two or three different varieties of male, and one creates harems while another is monogamous. I think humans are another case of both naturally occurring.

So, the thing specifically I'm thinking about is near the end of the third book, yue asks hajime if he'd be willing to sleep with shea because she saved everyone's lives and almost died and she wants to get some as a reward. And hajime, who is dating yue, rejects this. His rejection is made up of 3 distinct statements that I think are, on the surface, boring and unimportant, but they are honestly pretty telling about the way he approaches romantic love. He says "I want to be faithful to you. I wouldn't want to see you with some other guy. I hoped you would feel the same about me." And I think that last bit is something that's never really explored in depictions of monogamy. It's always framed as like. A trade off. I would feel bad if you slept with someone else, so I will also limit myself to just you. Because even in a monogamous society like ours, being a guy and fucking a lot of women is considered a powerful and desirable thing. Settling down with just one is something you do when you're getting too old to handle it. We do paste over this with a thin veneer of Romance, of true love in high school leading to marriage and you've only ever kissed the one person. But like that's not how the world works and it's not how the world encourages men to act. But hajime here doesn't seem to have any desire for anyone else. And he holds that as an expression of love. He doesn't really understand that something you do naturally isn't something you can also call a genuine expression of love, and he expects the gesture to be returned, but what's interesting to me is that what he expects and desires is to be bound. For yue to say 'please don't sleep with anyone else'. Because that's the way he understands love, and to experience it is desirable. And like, I'm sure to a polyamorous person this would come off as gross and possessive, but. I don't think it's possessive for someone to say 'I appreciate the way your love manifests towards me, and I want it to continue to manifest in that way.' Like to someone like me, telling me 'don't sleep with anyone else' is about the same as 'don't drink poison'. It's not like. A boundary that needs set, so someone setting it isn't violating me or my autonomy in any way. Anyway, hajime is a monogamous teenager so he hasn't worked out that other people's love might work differently from his, but he reminds me strongly of a younger version of me, seen in a more charitable light than I usually allow for myself. And something is going to have to change in him before the series becomes a proper harem (because it does, eventually) and I'm very curious to see what it is. But until then I'll enjoy the rare treat of actual real communication and care for one another's feelings in a harem series.

#I'll enjoy it more when Kaori is involved bc she does NOT mesh well at first due to her own monogamy #anyway #arifureta #<- feel free to block this tag i know I'm cringe at hell

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stargazer-sims · 1 year

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Journal Entry #52

previously - Journal Entry #51 (part two)

Yuri

Have you ever wished you didn't exist?

I'm not talking about wanting to take your own life or hoping that you'll just fall asleep one night and never wake up. I mean wishing that you actually didn't exist, that you'd never been conceived and born in the first place.

I wish for that.

I'm not sure if I'll post this recording to our journal. I may even delete it from my phone later. The only reason I'm doing this at all is because I'm feeling so frustrated and upset and... I don't know. Worthless. Horrible. Perhaps angry at myself because I can never live up to anyone's expectations for me, not even my own.

Despite the number of times I'm told that I'm enough just as I am, I can't make myself believe it. I notice how people pretend to like me when they don't, and how they're polite and deferential to me because they think I'm too fragile to handle their honest feelings about me. I'm aware of their disapproval and disdain.

In all fairness, though, I can't blame anyone for disliking me. I see the work I create for everyone around me and how much of a burden I am to them. I despise myself for that.

The sad irony is, as much as I don't want to be a burden, not being one seems impossible. I'll never not be chronically ill. There'll be periods when I'm reasonably well, but there'll also be times when I'm too sick to do anything for myself and someone will have to take care of me. That's a reality I can never escape from.

I can guess what some of you would probably say now if you heard this. But, you love all the attention you get, don't you?

I think it’s a natural human response to like receiving attention, and I’d be lying if I said I didn’t like it. The truth is, being bathed or fed or massaged feels good, and knowing I have people in my life who’ll do that and so many other personal care tasks for me gives me a certain sense of security. And yes, in the moment, I do enjoy it. The problem is, when the task is done and I’m alone with my thoughts, I start to feel guilty for allowing myself to forget, even for a second, that these things aren’t meant for my gratification. I remember I'm a selfish, awful person for enjoying something that comes at the cost of someone else's time and effort, particularly because I know full well that I can never pay them back.

The thing that bothers me most of all is that the people who do the majority of the caretaking are my mother and Victor. The people I love more than anything, who I want to see happy and who I want to protect are the very ones who suffer the most because of me.

My beautiful, brave, loyal Victor would do anything for me, and I'd move the mountain itself to repay him if I could, but my intention is not enough. I love him with my entire mind, body and soul, but my love is not enough. I don't deserve him, and I don't know why he stays with me, because nothing about me will ever be worthy of someone as good and gentle and selfless as him. Nothing can ever erase the imbalance in what we give each other, and that truth chips away at my heart more and more as time goes on.

Victor says he loves me, and he’s demonstrated it in so many ways that I’d have to be completely detached and indifferent not to believe him. He also says he doesn't mind all the work he has to do, but I'm not so certain about that one. How could it possibly be true that it doesn’t bother him? It's unfair, and I know it's hard on him, being tied down by me all the time. He gave up so much for me, and here I am with nothing of value to give in return.

Sometimes I think it would've been better if we'd never met at all. He could've had a good life without me, chased all his dreams and done everything he'd planned to do.

It's too late now. He's attached to me, and I've ruined his life, and there's no way for me to set him free to reclaim what's left of it without hurting him in the process. I offered that to him once before and it upset him so much that I swore I'd never mention it again, even if I think it'd be in his own best interest to get away from me.

Not that I ever want to be apart from him, you understand, but if I need to choose between his happiness and my own, I'll always want to choose his. It's why I'm willing to move halfway around the world, why I didn't say no when he told me he wanted to keep competing, and why I agreed to the idea of Fox coming here to help us. It's why I acquiesce to most things I'm not entirely comfortable with. Letting him have what he wants without objection is the only currency I can exchange for everything I've taken from him.

If he ever wanted to leave of his own accord, I'd let him have his way there, too. I wouldn't try to force him to stay. If it'd make him happy, I'd let him go even though it would shatter me into a million pieces, even though I'm sure I'd be in pain forever from the grief of such a loss.

Perhaps that would be my penitence. Maybe it's what I truly deserve.

I'm sorry. I probably shouldn't even be recording this. It's nothing but a confused, emotional rant, and if I do end up posting it, I fully expect that anyone who sees it will think even less of me than they already do. It's just that saying it aloud helps, even if I'm only talking to myself. At the very least, I won't lie to myself. Nearly everyone else would tell me whatever they thought I wanted to hear, which is why I've stopped talking to people about my troubles. What would be the point?

Victor says I need to see a professional, and maybe he's right. Maybe I could tell this stuff to a psychologist who isn't part of my life and who could be objective. I doubt there's anything they could realistically do to make me less of an inconvenience. They can't cure my illness or make me physically stronger, and they can't make anyone like or respect me, but I guess they'd be someone who'd listen.

Last night, after Fox left, Victor found me crying in the upstairs bathroom. I might as well admit that I threw up and that I was trying to hide that fact as well as my little breakdown from him. Have you ever tried to throw up quietly? If you discover the secret to doing that, please tell me what it is.

Because I know someone will inevitably ask, the reason I was trying to hide it is because Victor doesn't like seeing me cry. He says it makes him feel helpless. Besides, he's so tenderhearted that if I'm crying, he often ends up crying too, and I don't like seeing him cry either. I'm usually good at suppressing my emotional responses, so I really don't cry all that often, but for the past few weeks it seems I haven't been able to hold anything in. It's another sign of weakness, I suppose; yet another way I've failed him.

He knocked on the bathroom door and called for me several times. When I didn't answer, he simply opened the door and let himself in, exactly as I'd known he would.

I didn't look up at him, and just mumbled, "I'm sorry."

"For what?" he asked. "What's wrong?"

"Everything," I said, because it was the truth. Everything felt wrong, and I was sorry for all of it.

"Uh... you think you could be a little more specific?" Victor crossed the room in a few long strides and sat near me on the floor. "Did you get sick?"

"I think you know I did."

"Okay. But, is there something else?"

"I don't want Fox to come any more," I told him.

"Why? Did something happen?"

I shook my head. I really didn't feel like discussing it, and I didn't think I was in a fit condition to have a decent conversation about anything, much less about that. Besides, how was I supposed to explain to him how inadequate Fox makes me feel? How was I supposed to say that I don’t like how patronizing Fox is, and how I feel humiliated and powerless when he talks to me as if I’m a stubborn child or as if I’m intellectually delayed?

The part I hate the most about having Fox here is how he keeps trying to convince me that I'm not actually as ill as I say I am, like I'm exaggerating my condition for attention and that I'm capable of far more than I'll admit. He seems to be under the impression that all it takes is a little willpower to overcome pain, nausea, muscle weakness, extreme fatigue and all my other symptoms, not to mention anxiety. What he doesn't realize is that I have plenty of willpower, and if it were really that easy, I wouldn’t need somebody like him. I'd have been cured long ago.

He tries to make me do things that are much too difficult, if not impossible, and I can almost never do them without consequences to my mental and physical well-being. Although I push through each task as best I can to avoid a conflict that I know I wouldn't have the stamina to deal with, I almost always feel far worse afterwards. He says he's helping me, and he calls it progress. I call it cruel and unusual torment.

He's supposed to be taking care of me. He's getting paid to take care of me. I think that obligates him to stick to caretaking, and should not extend to pretending to be my friend or to practicing his dubious amateur occupational therapy on me.

But, I couldn't confess any of that, could I?

"No," I said at last. "Everything's fine. I just... I think I can look after myself now."

I couldn't, of course, and I have no idea why I said that. I just didn't know how much longer I could endure the situation as it stood, and I suppose it was a way to get Victor to make Fox leave without me resorting to complaining about him.

Victor pulled at his lower lip with his teeth and gave me a worried look. My husband may be many things, but stupid and imperceptive aren't among them. He saw through me straight away. "Yuri, you can barely make it from your bedroom to here without help. I don't know if you're strong enough to look after yourself yet."

But, for some unknown reason, I persisted. "I'm not going to get any stronger by letting other people wait on me, am I?"

"You know it doesn't work like that," he said. "It's not like physio, where you build up strength in your muscles by exercising them. You're not going to get better by wearing yourself out."

"I'm never really going to get better anyway," I said. "I might as well do what I can, when I can, right?"

"Yes, when you can," he said. "Maybe in a few more weeks, when you—"

"No!" I cut him off mid-sentence. All of a sudden, I felt anger rising up inside me like a wave. It was irrational and relentless, and I felt unable to control it. "I don't want him here. Tell him not to come back."

"No," Victor said. "I'm not going to do that."

I stared at him, admittedly a little shocked. Victor hardly ever says no to me. "But—"

"No," he repeated. "You might not want his help any more, but I think you still need it. And I still need a little help too, until I get this other cast off."

"Helping you is meant to be my job," I said. "It's what i should be doing."

"You have a valid reason not to be doing it."

"But, I should be doing it," I insisted.

"Maybe," he said. "But I know you can't right now, and that's okay."

"I hate this!" I brought the edge of my fist down on the cold bathroom tiles as hard as I could. A jolt of pain shot up my entire arm, and as much as I tried not to wince, I'm sure I must have. "I'm tired of our lives being this way, of me not being able to do anything for you and just being a useless waste of everyone else's energy. I'm so tired of all of it, Victor. I just want it to stop."

Victor was gazing at me with an expression that might have been equal parts sympathy and perplexity. Whatever it was, it seemed obvious he didn't know how to respond. All he said was, "I know."

"No, you don't know!" I retorted. "You have no idea what it's like to be trapped in a body like mine!"

"I guess I don't, but—"

"You don't know what it's like to be exhausted and in pain all the time, or to worry that the slightest change could make it worse. You don't know how it feels to panic every time you realize you have to eat because everything you put into your mouth has the potential to hurt you. And you have absolutely no idea how worthless it makes me feel to not be able to do the simplest things for myself, much less be able to help you."

By the time I'd gotten all that out, I was shaking and crying, and there was nothing I wanted more than to be able to get up off the floor and flee as far away from everyone and everything as I possibly could. I didn't want Victor to look at me in the state I was in. I wanted to disappear, and contrary to what I previously said, in that moment I really did wish that I could go to sleep and not wake up ever again.

Victor reached toward me, like he wanted to pull me into a hug. Any other time, I'd be desperate for him to hold and comfort me, but the thought of him touching me just then was unbearable.

It was all I could do to speak through my tears. "Please, don't."

"But—" He lowered his hands and watched me for what felt like ages before he let out a long breath and tried again. "I think you need to tell me what's really going on."

"Nothing," I said. "Nothing but the same thing that's always going on around here."

"Which is...?"

"You know," I said.

"How about you humour me?”

I scrubbed fiercely at my eyes with the heels of my palms. "I'm tired. I'm tired of... everything. I don't want to keep fighting my own body any more. I don't want to keep pretending that I'm okay and that our situation is okay and that everything's fine when it's not."

"You don't have to pretend anything," he said. "We both know everything's not okay. And like, this is gonna sound like a cliché or whatever, but it's okay that we're not okay right now. Things will improve soon. They always do."

"No, they don't," I said. "Maybe it seems like that for a while, but we're always going to be caught in this cycle. Unless you decide to do something about it, you’re always going to be stuck with me."

"What do you mean, stuck with you? You make it sound like a chore or something."

"Isn't it?"

"If you're asking if it's a lot of work to take care of you, then the answer is yeah, it is a lot of work. But, it's not a chore. If it was, do you think I'd still be here? ‘Cause that’s what you meant, isn’t it? I’m only really stuck until I’ve had enough and I make up my mind to leave?”

“I’m sorry,” I whispered.

“I’m not going to leave you, Yuri,” he said. “If I didn’t think I could cope with all your health stuff, I wouldn’t have stayed in the first place. I’d have been gone already.”

"Would you?” I said. “If you didn't feel like you had to, would you still stay?”

"You're assuming I feel like I have to.”

“Aren’t you tired too? Don’t you need a break from me and my problems?”

“A break from you? No.” He smiled slightly, but I got the impression it was born of awkwardness rather than a more positive emotion. He gestured vaguely. “It’d be nice to get a break from… this, ‘cause I am pretty wiped out, but that’s not your fault. It’s just real life, you know? I need a break from real life.”

“Me too.”

“Anyway,” he went on. “I told you before, we can get help. I mean, we've got help right now and I'm practically doing nothing, so..."

"But, you would if you could."

"Naturally, I would. You know that. But, I know my limits.”

“Are we close? To your limit?”

“Can you stop for a second, please?” he said. “I don't even understand why you're bringing this up, and I need to know why we’re talking about it. I thought we already settled this. Didn't we promise that we’d stick together through everything?”

"It's... I'm thinking about it for a lot of reasons."

"Such as?"

"Seiji," I said.

“What about him?”

“He came to visit me in the hospital."

"I know."

"He's not my friend,” I stated. The words hurt, or maybe it was the realization behind them that was so painful.

"What are you talking about?” Victor asked. “Seiji is your friend. He loves you."

The things that'd come out of Seiji's mouth the afternoon of his visit had made me question whether he'd ever been my friend. It made me wonder if he, like nearly everyone else, merely tolerated me and was only polite because it'd be socially unacceptable not to be, and now he'd finally grown tired of the pretense. "He thinks I'm a monster," I told my husband. "He was so angry."

“A monster? He didn’t really say that.”

“He did.”

"He brought you mochi," Victor said, his confusion evident in his tone. Clearly, Seiji hadn't mentioned anything to him about what had taken place.

For a few heartbeats, I paused, trying to decide if I should continue or not. Finally, I replied, "Yes, he brought me mochi, but I have no idea why. I don't even know why he came, because all he did was tell me what a terrible person I am. He thinks your accident was my fault."

"It wasn't," Victor said. "He's wrong about that."

"Perhaps, but I don't think he's wrong about everything else."

"Everything else. What's included in 'everything else'?"

"He said I don't deserve you. He said... he said you could've done better than me and that I'm holding you back. He said I'm hurting you just by being with you, and that if you're unhappy, it's my fault." I stopped at that point because I could feel tears starting to sting my eyes again and my chest was starting to feel tight.

What Seiji had said wasn’t anything new to me. I’d thought of most of it on my own, long before that. But, hearing the words coming from someone else caused them to strike home all that much harder.

“He’s wrong,” Victor said. “He knows I’m not unhappy. I told him that myself. And you’re not holding me back from anything.”

“I feel like I am.”

“You’re not. I’m doing everything I want to do,” he said. “Yeah, I gave up some stuff, but it’s not like you forced me to. Coming here when i did was my choice. I could’ve waited, but I didn’t want to.”

“Do you regret it?”

“Do you want the honest answer?”

“Yes.”

“It’s like I told you before,” he said. “Sometimes I wish I’d done things differently or made different choices, and sometimes I feel sad or angry about it, but I don’t think I’d call it regret. I love you, and I was determined that I was gonna be with you sooner or later, and if that involved a few sacrifices, I’d say they were worth it.”

“But, what about me? I haven’t sacrificed anything for you.”

“You don’t think so?”

I shook my head. “I suppose I had nothing to give up, in any case.”

“Sacrificing doesn’t necessarily mean you literally give something up. Sometimes it’s like, metaphorical or whatever. Like, I think it took a massive amount of courage for you to let me move in with you. You could’ve said no, but instead of letting your fear tell you what to do, you took a risk."

“That doesn’t seem like much of a risk."

"In hindsight maybe, but think about how you felt at the time."

"I wanted you to come," I said. “And I didn't give up anything compared to what I got out of it.”

“I got a lot out of it too,” he said. “It’s not as unequal as you think.”

“What do you get out of it?”

“I got you. You’re amazing, whether you believe it or not.”

“That’s not an answer." There was an edge to my voice that I didn't like, but once the words were out, there was nothing I could do. "That's the sort of thing you say when you can't think of anything."

“Okay, fine," Victor responded. "You need me to be specific?"

"Can you be?"

"Yeah, I can," he said. "You’re my voice of reason. You help me make good decisions, and you always know how to calm me down when I’m too hyper and the noise in my brain is really bad. You teach me stuff all the time, and you do your best to take care of me.” One side of his mouth twitched in what might’ve been an ironic smile he was trying to keep at bay. “Maybe even when you shouldn’t.”

"I'm sorry."

"Why are you saying that?"

"Because everything you just described... it's nothing. An acquaintance could do all that."

"You think I'd trust just any random acquaintance with my secrets? You think I'd let them into my personal space? Or let them do the stuff you did for me after my accident?"

"You let your mother and stepfather do it."

"Yuri, they're my parents. Well, Julian's not exactly my parent, but you know what I mean. I trust them just as much as I trust you, and if you don't think that much trust counts for anything, then... I don't know what else to tell you."

"I'm sorry."

"Stop saying that!" he exclaimed.

The sharpness of his tone startled me, and totally against my will, I lost the battle to hold my tears back any longer. "I've tried so hard," I said. "But, I just... I can't be what you need. I'll always be the one taking more than I can give, and nothing I ever do will be enough. Seiji is right. You deserve so much more than I can ever offer you."

He was silent for a long time after that, but finally he said. "Do you even know what I need?"

I didn't respond. How could I? The challenge in his tone was so obvious, there was no mistaking its implication. If I answered anything other than no, it'd be the wrong answer. He was compelling me to admit my failure as a partner, but what was the point? We both understood that much already.

I closed my eyes and lowered my head. The pain I felt in my heart was a thousand times greater than anything I'd ever experienced in my body, and one thought drowned out all the others, playing in my brain on repeat.

I want all of this to end.

#ts4 #sims 4 #eagames #snowy escape #victorsworldadventures #victor nelson #yuri okamoto #tw suicide mention #tw chronic illness #tw illness #tw mental illness #tw pain #stargazersims

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