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#i did not. want an SSRI.
ovaruling · 11 months
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begging my psych thru sobs to tell me how to get off of xanax bc the intensity of withdrawals is looking life-threatening in my case and she said “i would say go to an inpatient detox facility for about 6 weeks” and i was like ok i literally cannot do or afford that is there any other way
“not until we find an SSRI that works for you” ok i did not want an SSRI at all to begin with that wasn’t even part of our original plan
“well i wouldn’t come off of xanax then the withdrawals are too dangerous and you don’t respond to klonopin” ok well i’m almost out of my prescription of xanax though is my problem so i’m really scared rn as to what will happen to me if the withdrawals aren’t taken care of
“well i can try to fill a xanax prescription BUT i don’t think your pharmacy is gonna fill it since we recently filled klonopin” so what’s my plan b here what do i do if i cant get it filled and i run out of it and the withdrawals get dangerous again
“i don’t know what to tell you. we’ll have to wait to see the results of your genesight test for an SSRI” what if i have a seizure in the meantime
“go to the ER”
i’m gonna fucking explode lmao
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iero · 2 months
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I was also on Prozac for a while and it did nothing to me but escitalopram and sertraline have done wonders for my anxiety, so it's worth mentioning that not all SSRI work the same so mentioning you want to try another SSRI to your doctor could really help
Another shoutout to Lexapro and Zoloft, I see... I don't remember much when I did take both Prozac and Wellbutrin because that was years ago (and it was medicated for my depression, not my anxiety, even though I know they sometimes go hand-in-hand) and I went a very long time completely unmedicated for all of my medical issues, both mental and physical, up to this point. I wouldn't mind taking an SSRI in conjunction with my Buspirone and seeing if that would help! Thanks anon.
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louderfade · 5 months
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from Is deep brain stimulation a treatment option for anorexia nervosa?
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blakelywintersfield · 2 years
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#hmmm i can see how xanax can be addictive. especially if its not uncommon to grow tolerant to it at lower doses.#not gonna actually abuse it because it *is* my brother's and i *did* tell my parents i was only going to use it as a substitute for my#clonidine until i can get back on it. i'm not going to use up a medication someone else needs. i would never fuck someone over like that.#no matter what some people may believe. plus i really shouldn't be on any benzos long term anyways.#i'd much rather take the medication that helps me sleep and keeps me from having constant intrusive nightmares and stress dreams about the#people i love being harmed or dying‚ or the people who pretended to care coming back and hurting me more. i'd love to not have to deal with#that every fucking night. i'd love to just sleep and mundane dreams i don't even remember and actually get some rest. xanax doesn't do that#xanax just calms my constant anxiety enough to get my brain to shut off in time to sleep. it doesn't do much else for the sleep issues.#it DID make me feel pretty okay when i first took it but yeah not so much now and that's not its intended use but. yeah. i can see how it#can become addictive now. maybe now i have more leverage to get my fucking trauma medication back.#and try something other than fucking prozac. because prozac hasn't done SHIT for me and i'm sick of it i've gotten MORE irritable.#put me on zoloft or something idgaf just stop insisting i take this useless shit.#or paxil. or something other than an ssri i don't know i don't care#just give me something that'll stop me from wanting to kill myself isn't that the fucking *point* of these things?#ugh. whatever. i'm going to bed. i hate being alive. i hate being awake. i hate feeling. i hate everything.
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neverendingford · 3 months
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#tag talk#just realized the intense depression and associated anger issues and intrusive violent thoughts are prolly related to the Lamictal I starte#I was like “I don't think I need this don't think it'll help but I'll try it for science” because I'll try anything once#and uhhh. I went to go to bed and realized there was a bowl with food tucked into my bed covers.#laundry all over is one thing. that's kind of normal. but food in my bed is massive warning bells so I was like uh oh that's real depressio#so anyway i messaged my dr like hey I think these meds are making me feel so fucking lethargic and despondent and also I want to kill peopl#because I would just stop taking them but I'm willing to see what she thinks.#also my current psychiatrist is really great and I like her a lot idk if I already talked about her but she's really cool.#the first one I got was an absolute dick and was passive aggressive towards me and also straight up lied in her notes about me?#said that I had said I'm not sexually active and like. bitch where did I ever say that ever that's literally untrue and you wrote it down.#like. I don't think medical professionals are supposed to lie about you actually that's kind of a big problem#also she was like “I'm not seeing adhd here at all” and wanted to do a full on adhd diagnosis before trying any meds for it#whereas my new person was just like “oh you don't have to talk about being adhd it's pretty obvious to me” and I was like kissing you kissi#ng you kissing you kissing you kissing y#but yeah. I don't think I want to keep taking these meds and I think I'm just gonna take the meds I have to today not the short term ones#some days I just don't need my adhd meds or I would rather feel my normal relatively unproductive self.#still gonna take the ssri and estrogen obvs cause those need to keep up levels in my body and also duh I wanna keep my E levels up#but the others nah my body is super sensitive to meds (or any substances tbh) so I need a break from them today I feel really unbalanced#I did have my gf deadass ask me “should I be worried?” when I mentioned the violent intrusive thoughts and I was like no no no no it's fine#because like. I've never genuinely hurt someone fully impulsively like that. it's all thoughts it's all in the head#I'm not gonna kidnap and murder and dissect anyone it's just theoretical situations my brain likes to fuck me up with.#but it does kinda suck to have people around you inherently mistrust you because of how your brain works.#my brother told me a while back that he locks his door at night because he's worried about me and you do know how fucking hurtful that is?#the person you trust enough to move out and move in with is afraid of you enough to lock their door at night.#not like that would stop me if I genuinely did try to hurt him obviously. interior door locks are a joke.#but like... that someone would hear you talk about intrusive thoughts and genuinely think you capable of them to some extent.#idk that hurts a lot.#I wish I weren't like this.
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i would like it known that it is 2:30 am and i have awake for half an hour and i am SO SICK OF THIS
why does this stupid medication journey require me Not Fucking Sleeping i hate it
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6ebe · 2 years
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In such a weird place with my mental health atm that I’m abt to ask my gp to put me back on citalopram just to fuck around and find out 🤣
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faorism · 9 months
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every once in a while, when it's a quiet moment between him and one of his partners—could be anything from a stake out to a long drive in lucille to the warm moments between making love and sleep—eliot will turn to them and say, tell me something i don't know.
parker will usually tell him secrets. the bits of history that only exist between her, bunny, and now eliot. there's a lot from living on the streets, when she was young. she tells him about training with archie; eventually, she tells him what it felt like. she tells him about loneliness and not understanding and frustration and how her hands hurt when she wants to flicker them around; when he asks her why she doesn't let them, she says to ask another night. that's too big a secret to share when another's been revealed already. he does ask, and she does answer. once, she says in a shaking voice, i love you and hardison so much, and parker feels silly because duh eliot knows that, hardison knows that, but eliot heard something deeper than she could express, so he held her tight and kissed her hair as she shivered through the weight of her confession. after sharing with eliot, sometimes parker feels comfortable enough to share with hardison, peggy, sophie, or a client who needs to know they are not alone in the mess and hardship of the world. much later, the fact that parker has shared something once makes it easier to tell her shrink as she gets on SSRIs, which she seeks out after confessing to eliot that even if it had been based on a lie to grift hurley, maybe there was something to her treatment at the second act rehabilitation center that she missed. occasionally, she'll tell him about art. he listens just as patiently as anything else she decides to divulge and she loves him all the more for it.
hardison infodumps. parker didn't press eliot for what he meant the first time he asked; hardison did. eliot had shrugged, anything you wanna share. hardison nips out a testy, so if i go off about (he paused thinking of something that would surely turn eliot off) optimal simcity street design strategies, you wouldn't mind? eliot didn't back down, even when hardison went into a two-hour spiral that branched into different iterations on the concept, including rollercoaster typhoon. eliot made a few comments here and there, asked some clarifying questions now and again, but otherwise let hardison rail on. the next time, the question was framed as what you working on? but the effect was the same. eventually, hardison stopped hesitating and started looking forward to these monologue sessions. hardison doesn't think anything of them other than he's got some quality time with his partner, until one day on a job with some leverage international trainees, eliot manages (elle woods style) to untangle the lie at the heart of a condo scam with a few pointed questions about the plumbing. when one of the trainees asked how the hell he knew that, hardison expects to hear over the comms how eliot once dated a plumber or an architect; instead, eliot scoffs, you met my partner. genius knows a little of everything. which is when hardison remembers once infodumping about sprinkler systems. eliot gets the tightest of hugs when he gets home for truly listening to hardison.
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I am. Still. Waiting for my GPs office to send something I can use to get preauth for counselling. and I am still waiting to hear from my health insurance about where to actually send that
In the meantime they've gotten cold feet about working with gendergp and derailed what I *thought* was me being really close to finally being on HRT. You'd think theyd soften the blow by at least doing both
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prince-liest · 3 months
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Some thoughts on Lucifer's mental health, relationships, and role as king of hell!
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Lucifer’s perception of himself as the king of hell is really interesting to me because he’s very blase about it in canon while totally using it when it suits him.
I think it’s really telling that the first time he actually brings it up himself is when it’s something he can leverage to help Charlie out. He reads to me like someone who objectively knows that he’s the hottest shit in town, but also just doesn’t really think that it matters most of the time because it's not relevant to his personal problems. Being Lucifer Morningstar did not allow him to achieve his goals in petitioning heaven. Being the most powerful person in hell didn’t even un-fuck his family life!
...Except for when suddenly it might in fact help un-fuck his relationship with his daughter.
It's the main thing he can desperately and dramatically showcase as a worthwhile reason for Charlie to maintain a relationship with him, because he as a person is depressed, half-functional, and barely has enough spoons to pay attention to a conversation he's having with her while he's actively having it, nevermind remembering their last one.
He wants to! And it doesn't start with his song at the hotel! It starts with him answering the phone, heavily fumbling actually connecting with Charlie despite clearly desperately wanting to, and then realizing she's asking him for something and promptly choking on his tea before excitedly telling her, "Yeah! Of course! Anything within my power is yours for the asking, you just name it." He knows that there is a great deal 'within his power,' and he's happy and relieved that he can offer her that!
Lilith has been gone for years but he's still wearing his wedding ring. His walls are still covered in family portraits. He's just been sitting in his room making thousands of rubber ducks he thinks suck instead of ruling hell, because his daughter liked that one duck he made one time.
Charlie needed him to support her in her mission, but damn did Lucifer also need Charlie to get him out and moving and actually doing things again.
Anyway, someone get this man on an SSRI.
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lobotomyladylives · 2 months
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There was a woman, Norah Vincent, who was a feminist who believed in the myth of "male privilege" so much that she decided to go undercover as a man to prove it once and for all.
The result? She learned that the "male privilege" myth was just that. A myth. She killed herself 18 months later because she learned just how fucking hard it is to be a man and just how unkind the world is to men.
Men should be cherished and respected.
Women should be treasured and protected.
Oh I love getting to obliterate this stupid MRA myth. You people don't even do the slightest research and it's so fucking funny. Like "didn't even bother reading the Wikipedia page" levels of willful ignorance. Thanks for proving once again that you morons just parrot each other rather than thinking for yourselves lol. Very enlightening.
She did not, in fact, kill herself 18 months later-she lived "as a man" for 18 months (and the alienation she experienced has more to do with her having to maintain a false identity constantly and also being seen/treated as a gay man during this time due to feminine voice and mannerisms despite being a butch lesbian-and being gay in 2006 was not a fun time). She killed herself ALMOST TWENTY YEARS AFTER THIS EXPERIMENT! She'd been experiencing treatment resistant depression prior to the experiment, she was involuntarily institutionalized 3 times, and she suffered from SSRI withdrawal syndrome which I can confirm makes you want to fucking die! That was what killed her, not the experiment (as stressful as it was, again, because she was pretending to be something she's not).
Did she experience actual manhood? No, not really. She experienced what it's like to be a woman pretending to be a man for a year and a half. She was socialized as a woman her whole life, she was not a man. Also, feminists don't deny men are largely miserable, we just don't accept the blame for it. Be honest about the source of your misery. It's capitalism, yes, and our disgustingly individualistic society,but also the fact that men often form shallow friendships and don't take care of their mental health, they look almost exclusively to women (generally wives and girlfriends) whenever they need emotional support. That's why such a huge percentage male suicides are single men, and it often happens right after breakups. They are struggling mentally and don't see anyone else to turn to once their woman is gone. Maybe you MRAs should focus more on supporting each other and less on whining on reddit and watching "FEMINIST REKT PART 1,034 COMPILATION" on youtube. Just a thought.
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moni-logues · 1 year
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Paris
Pairing: Hoseok x reader
Genre: pwp/smut
Summary: It's your birthday and Hobi decided to surprise you with a flight to Paris so you could be together.
Content: oral sex (m. and f. receiving), throat fucking, multiple orgasms, unprotected sex, semi-public sexual activity (up against the window), there's a very little bit of crying during/after sex
Word count: 2.5k
A/N: sometimes you have some of the worst days of your life and are sure you will never, ever want to write anything (or live lol) ever again and then later, after one (1) SSRI and your period arriving, you are suddenly normal (lmao '''''normal'''') again, which is to say that, if I could have, I would have posted this on Monday when I should have because that's when it was @amethystwritesbts's birthday and this is FOR HER. So sorry for the delay, bb, and I hope you enjoy, no one else's opinion matters lmao byeee😘😘😘
“This is amazing,” you breathed as you turned a slow circle around the hotel suite, trying to take it in. “You know you didn’t have to do this.” 
“I know,” Hoseok answered, taking you by the hand and leading you to the window, out of which you could see the Eiffel Tower, so close you couldn’t see its top without craning your neck skywards. “I wanted to. Well, actually, I was going to apologise to you; I really wish I had been able to fly to you, rather than making you come all this way.” 
Schedules were schedules and Hoseok was not always in control of his; if he had been, he would not have let anything take him from you on your birthday. Fortunately, he did at least have the resources to bring you to him, even if for a shorter time than either of you would have liked. 
“Are you crazy? It’s Paris! I would’ve flown to the back-end of nowhere to see you, but this is Paris! This is incredible! Thank you.” 
Hoseok wrapped his arms around you from behind and held you tight. 
“Only the best for my birthday girl.” 
He kissed your cheek and you hummed contentedly. You looked out at the glittering lights of the city of love and, yes, it was incredible, but it didn’t beat the feeling of your boyfriend’s arms around you, his hair tickling your cheek as he sucked little kisses onto your neck. You opened your mouth to speak; Hoseok stole the breath from your lungs as he opened his lips and bit gently down where your neck meets your shoulder; you gasped softly instead. Twisting in his arms to face him, you pushed back his hair and brought his face to yours.  
The kiss was sweet and gentle for all of one brief second, then it was heavy and pressing and his tongue was swiping your bottom lip, gliding into your mouth, sliding over yours. You moaned as Hoseok stepped forward, pushing you against the French doors, pressing himself against you. You’d missed this: the taste of him, the smell of him, the hard bite of his teeth against your soft skin. You flushed, burning up already, pulling away just slightly, swallowing hard, blinking rapidly, trying to regain some composure. 
“I think I like Paris,” you said, breathless and giddy, giggling. 
He hummed with his mouth on your neck, a little buzz on your skin that sent goosebumps shivering across it. 
“Paris, huh?”  
“Yeah, Paris.” 
He brought his face back to yours; his dark eyes sparkled and a grin spread across his face as he pressed his forehead into yours. 
“Well, I love... Paris.” 
“Yeah, I’ve really missed Paris.”  
“I’ve missed Paris, too,” he whispered.  
He touched his lips to yours lightly, but you wanted more. You pulled him closer, bit into the soft, sweet flesh of his bottom lip, and ran your tongue across it. He rolled his hips into yours and you could feel his hard cock already straining against its confines, pressing into you; the thought of it, your lips around it, your cunt squeezing it tight, sent sparks straight to your core. Hoseok tipped his head back when you left kisses on his neck, across his shoulder. Then you sank to your knees. 
“Hey,” he said softly, pushing your hair from your face. “It’s not my birthday.” 
You shrugged. 
“Will be soon enough. And we won’t both be in Paris for it.”  
You pulled his trousers down to his ankles and his boxers followed. Your mouth watered at the sight of him; your clit throbbed; he was hot and hard and he twitched when you opened your mouth and placed him on your soft, wet tongue. Hoseok groaned, looking down at you, your eyes wide and expectant. He threaded his fingers carefully through your hair and held you firm while he rolled his hips, sliding into the wet heat of your mouth. You sealed your lips around him and hollowed your cheeks, moaning to encourage him. He cursed quietly under his breath and pushed further, his cock trespassing on the tight clutch of your throat. You breathed carefully through your nose and, with your hands on the backs of his thighs, pushed until your nose hit his skin, your throat bulging with him. 
He groaned as he pulled back out and started a smooth, slow rhythm, his own breathing also careful, his eyes fluttering shut, his jaw slack. You blinked up at him as tears sprung and overflowed down your cheeks, as drool pooled in your mouth, slid down your chin, dripped onto your chest. He opened his eyes and looked down at you with black, laser-focused eyes; he usually hated making a mess but not when it was you. Not when your eyes were shiny and wet, your tears glistening in the light like stars; not when the collar of your T-shirt was dark with drool, the long column of your neck, bulging, dripping; not when your throat was so warm and tight, squeezing as you half-swallowed against him; not when he could see your hand between your legs, rubbing circles over your leggings. 
You were uncomfortably wet beneath them, your underwear sticky with it, your walls quivering in anticipation of him already. Your heart was racing and your desperation sat low and heavy in your core, the aching for him almost painful. You were about to pull back, stop, stand and finally divest both yourself and him of your clothes, finally get him naked and get him where you most wanted him, but he beat you to it, stepping backwards and dropping out of your mouth with a gasp. 
He fell to his knees in front of you and crashed his mouth into yours with enough force to knock you backwards, hitting the French doors with a thud. 
“Fuck,” he whispered. “Sorry, baby. You ok?” 
You only nodded, leaning in when he pulled you forward, leaning back when he lifted your T-shirt over your head. You threw your hands behind your back, unclasping your bra and shrugging it off your shoulders as he pulled at the waistband of your leggings and underwear at once, tugging them to your knees, waiting for you to stand so he could take them all the way off.  
He kicked off his trousers and boxers, still around his ankles, and ripped off his shirt, leaving them piled on the floor, forgotten already.  
You wondered if anyone could see you, your bare body pressed against the cold glass, several floors up but not high enough to go unnoticed. The thrill of it made you shudder; you wanted everyone to see, everyone to know. That he was yours. That only he got to fuck you like this. That only you got to fuck him like this. You whined as he pressed two fingers into your tight, slick heat, gasped as he ground his palm into your clit, unable to stop your hips jerking and rolling against it.  
“You’re so fucking wet, baby,” he growled in your ear, nipping at your earlobe. 
“Yeah,” you gasped in reply. “Well, I real-, I really ah, missed.... Paris.” 
You felt his smile stretch across your skin and the little jet of his hot breath as he chuckled on his exhale.  
“Paris, huh. You want to get fucked by Paris, do you, baby? Want all of Paris to hear you whining and moaning and coming with me?” 
You could only respond by doing just that, whining and moaning, and, as his fingers curled firmly and repeatedly against your front wall, and the heel of his hand pressed hard against your clit, and his mouth sucked hot, wet kisses on your neck, you came. Your legs shook as sparks shot through you, electric heat buzzing from your core to your extremities, shivering through you, sprinkling your skin with goosebumps. Your knees buckled and Hoseok caught you, took your weight as you steadied yourself. You breathed heavily with your forehead against his shoulder and let him lift you, but then he was turning to take you to the bed— 
“No,” you said, pressing a hand to his shoulder. You shook your head. “I want you to fuck me here.” 
His eyebrows shot to his hairline and his tongue flicked out over his bottom lip. He gently let you go, your feet touching back down onto the plush hotel room carpet. He caged you in against the glass, traced your body with his eyes, fisted his flushed dick, still wet from your mouth, and finally fixed you with a smirk. 
“You want me to fuck you against this glass door? You want everyone to see?” His voice was low, almost taunting, travelling straight to your cunt. 
“Yes,” you answered, your own voice high and tremulous with need.  
“You want everyone to know how good I can give it to you, huh?”  
You nodded fervently. 
“Good. Then I’ll give them a show.”  
He dropped to his knees and wasted no time re-acquainting his mouth with your thighs, the crease of your hip, your lips, your wet, quivering core, your clit, swollen and sensitive. You keened and your back arched against the door, your hands grasping the soft curtains before thinking twice and grabbing his hair instead. He moaned as you tangled your fingers in the soft, dark strands, tugging and gripping.  
A plea was forming on your lips, for more, for something to fill the aching emptiness in your cunt as his tongue laved over your clit; Hoseok pushed two fingers into you and then a third; the request died on a hitched breath, filled before you had to ask. He moaned against you, the vibrations in his lips buzzing against you as he played you perfectly, practised and precise. 
Your nails scraped his scalp when the pleasure bundled up within you, coiling tight like a spring. You were shaking with it, trembling as it crept faster and faster towards its crescendo, then shuddering and jerking as it burst free. Your body flooded with heat as you gushed into Hoseok’s face, over his hand, down his wrist. You sank, weakly, to the floor, shivering under the warmth of his touch.  
He pressed a kiss against your shoulder and another on your collarbone, leaving sticky prints on your flushed, glowing skin. With arms that felt like lead, you pulled on his hair again, bringing his face to yours, mashing your lips against his, opening your mouth to him, tasting all of you and a little of him and still desperate for more. With his hands around your waist, he manoeuvred you, lay you down, one side of you cold against the glass, the other warm in the heat of the room. He began to pepper kisses across your chest, swirling your nipple in his mouth, grazing it with his teeth, moving across to the other.  
“Hobi, please,” you panted. “Please just fuck me. Don't wait any more. Fuck-- please, please.” 
He knelt above you, looking down at you with a wide smile. He leant down and pressed a sweet kiss to your lips. 
“Your wish is my command, birthday girl,” he murmured, his lips moving against yours, before he kissed you again, deeper this time, sucking your bottom lip into his mouth, eliciting a weak moan from yours.  
He pulled back to line himself up with you and watch himself disappear into the hot slip of your wet cunt. He groaned and paused, fully sheathed, luxuriating in the feeling of your walls quivering against him, tight and stretched. He grinned at you as he rolled his hips and began to thrust, hard and slow. Your fingernails scraped at his arms, climbing, pulling him down. He rested on his forearms, nudged your nose with his, and you took whatever words he was about to say, swallowed them down with your lips on his. He groaned when you lifted your legs, hooking them over his hips, your pelvis tipping so that the head of his cock brushed repeatedly against your g-spot like a hotkey for pleasure, over and over again.  
Your head was swimming, flooded, drowning in him: the soft sweep of his hair over his forehead, little damp strands stuck with sweat at his hairline; the softness of his warm skin and his breath washing over you; his quiet grunts of effort, his whispered praise, the way your name sounded tripping off his tongue, the hitched breath and interrupted curse when you clenched him tighter. It hadn’t even been that long that he’d been away but it was long enough.  
You squeezed him with your legs, trying to press him closer, bring his chest to yours, to meld yourself with him, to make up for all the time—recently and not so recently—that you’d been apart. It never got easier. And at moments like this, you didn’t know how you survived it, being without this, being without him. With your whole heart and your whole body, you loved him: his taut, lithe body and the way it moved; the mastery he had over it and your body, too; his bursting heart, bright and full and open; his kindness and his generosity; his tenacity and the way he held you, strong, securely, close against him when you needed it.  
As you lurched towards your third orgasm, your heart leapt into your throat and tears pricked in your eyes again—only partly his dick’s fault. Tension coalesced in your abdomen, strength drawn from your limbs, pulling tightly inwards, then erupting forward. You shuddered and gasped and Hoseok gasped above you as you gripped him tight in the vice of your climax. You could hear him, cursing right next to your ear, as if from another room, muffled, far away as you slipped under the waves of an overwhelming pleasure.  
Hoseok came before your cunt stopped spasming, as your thighs still trembled, just as your breathing hitched again and your bottom lip wobbled, tears threatening on your waterline. He felt you shudder as he let himself go, painting your insides white, milking himself in the fluttering of your clutched-tight walls.  
“Hey,” he said softly, turning towards you, a frown pulled tight on his face. “Hey, baby, what’s wrong?” 
You brought your hands to cover your face and shook your head, feeling silly that his concern made you cry harder. You were tired from travelling, discombobulated, overwhelmed, wrung out, fucked out, that’s all. You took a deep breath—tried to take a deep breath as it stuttered in and then wobbled out again—as he pulled your hands away and brushed the tears from your cheeks. He kissed the tracks left in their wake, sweet, soft, little kisses that held the slightest tang of salt. 
“Baby,” he asked again. “What’s wrong? Are you ok?”  
You closed your eyes and held your breath, literally shaking out your hands as if that was where you held your feelings. 
“I just-” you began, opening your eyes to look at him, “- I just really missed Paris, that’s all.” 
He laughed softly and pressed a kiss to your lips.
"I missed you too, baby. I missed you, too."
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bowserwife · 10 months
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The term "anti-depressant" is incredibly insidious to me.
It implies that depression is some solid, identifiable thing, a disease in the brain that can be specifically targeted and directly counteracted by the right formulation of medicine. That is not what anti-depressants do. Anti-depressants are a mind-altering drug that induce a certain mental state. Their status as medicine is one of social construction: they are not any more or less inherently medicinal than alcohol or LSD. And certain people have decided that this mental state is preferable to the symptoms of depression--or at least that it will make a depressed patient more able to "function in society" (i.e. go to work.)
"Depression", of course, does not refer to a specific condition: it is rather a term that groups together a nebulous set of symptoms, not the thing that causes those symptoms. This is true of most psychiatric designations. And though the serotonin and chemical-imbalance theories of depression have been largely discredited, the drugs developed on these theories (mainly SSRIs) are still prescribed en masse and are referred to as simply anti-depressants. One big problem with studying the efficacy of these drugs is that it must be done almost entirely through self-reporting; through asking patients if they believe the drugs they're taking are helping.
For my part, I was prescribed ADHD medication when I was 8 years old. When I was 14 I told my parents I was thinking about killing myself, and I was started on anti-depressants: for around the next decade I would cycle through several different SSRIs, other anti-depressants, mood stabilizers, and anti-psychotics. All of these made me feel terrible in different ways. After a suicide attempt at 23 landed me a stay in the psych ward, I threw all of my meds in the garbage at once and blocked my psychiatrist's number.
And thru all those years of taking the meds, every time, every single time they asked me, "Do you think the medication is helping?"...I would say yes!!! Even as I was getting worse! Even as I was at the absolute lowest point of my life, which I only just barely survived! And I said yes because I really, really wanted the medicaiton to work. Of course I did. I needed it to: I was dying. And I thought that some group of smart doctors had come up with this pill to counteract my exact condition, so I reasoned, "well, I feel different, so I guess that must be the medicine killing the depression."
Well, I was lied to. I fell for the propaganda machine designed by faceless pharmaceutical companies who would gladly see me dead if it meant they had profited off my prescription. If you are on any kind of mental health medication, and you feel it's helping, I am not telling you to stop. But I am asking you to ask yourself: do I actually like the way these things make me feel? If you do, then that's fine. I'm a big proponent of taking drugs that make you feel good. But remember that that is all they are. A drug that makes you feel a certain way. Not a cure.
I know making the choice to go unmedicated carries a massive social stigma: many times when I tried in the past I was shamed back into the drugs very quickly by doctors, family and friends alike. But I can tell you that I am 5 years clean of any and all psychiatric drugs and I have never felt happier or more in control of my mental health.
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cvrnelians · 1 year
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dark!eddie brock AU - After years of struggling with your mental health, you are relieved to be diagnosed with and treated for bipolar disorder. You finally feel strong enough to move to New York and pursue your dream as an artist.
When you respond to an ad for a newspaper interview for World Mental Health Day, you meet Eddie Brock, a reporter that you instantly take a liking to. You write it off as a silly, one sided crush, and continue to focus on yourself and your career. But not long after your interview, you start to feel like someone is watching you.
Perhaps Eddie Brock likes you a little more than you think…
warnings: stalking, manipulation.
You were not sure why it caught your eye.
Interviewees Needed for Article - Pay $50 per interview
We at The Daily Bugle are looking for individuals with various mental health diagnoses for an editorial as a tribute to World Mental Health Day. Pseudonyms allowed if preferred. Participants of any age are welcome.
Having just moved to Brooklyn, you figured you would download the app for the local newspaper, The Daily Bugle. You sifted through the upcoming events, remaining optimistic that you would at least attempt to be social. Being a freelance artist, you mainly wanted to keep an eye out for any potential job leads. You considered posting an ad of your own to promote your small business, but you weren’t sure you could call it a business quite yet. At times, you weren’t even sure that you could confidently call yourself an artist. Even so, you had managed to sell enough commissions to land yourself a tiny apartment in the city.
The ad was simple and straightforward. You probably wouldn’t have even found it if you hadn’t scrolled all the way down. It wasn’t the paid gig you were looking for, but fifty dollars was fifty dollars. If there was one thing you were completely sure of, it was that you were a qualified candidate for this article.
Your official diagnosis, courtesy of your psychiatrist, had been an unexpected relief. Bipolar II. You routinely beat yourself up for not coming to that conclusion on your own, for not realizing it sooner. You had been on and off various SSRIs for years, ever since you were a teenager, and they had either not worked at all or made your symptoms worse. You learned a lot about yourself in hindsight. Your mother always referred to you as a “night owl.” Little did you realize, all of those late nights spent creating more paintings than you knew what to do with were the product of hypomania. Your depressive episodes were always far worse than your hypomanic episodes, the last being your most severe. It nearly landed you in the hospital.
Finally—finally—after years of trial and error, you decided to start seeing a new psychiatrist about six months prior. You credited her for changing your life, for helping you find a medication that not only helped you function on a basic level, but helped you to thrive. You had wanted to move to the city ever since you graduated high school. With the way your mental health had been deteriorating, you never thought you would actually do it.
But you did, and you did it all on your own. As lonely as you felt and as broke as you were, the thought made you smile. It gave you hope.
After a few minutes of staring at your phone, you figured you would give it a shot. If you wanted to protect your privacy, you could just use a pseudonym. Or maybe, just maybe, the article would provide you with an opportunity to promote your art. Startled, you heard a raspy and exhaustion laden “Yeah?” on the first ring. Whoever this man was, it sounded like he had just woken up.
“Um…hi,” you said awkwardly. “I’m inquiring about an ad that I found in The Daily Bugle, the one about World Mental Health Day? Do I have the right number?”
“Oh. Uh, yeah. Hey.”
You could hear the person grumble on the end of the line, almost as if he was stretching.
“Are you still conducting interviews? I tried checking on the app, but it didn’t say when the ad was posted.”
The man chuckled. “Yeah, that stupid thing. They just launched it recently. They’ve been trying to get it up and running for ages. They’ve had some kid who’s not even qualified working on it.”
“Ah,” you said. “That explains a lot actually. It kept, like, zooming in and out as I was scrolling through?”
“Hah, figures. I deleted the thing from my phone two minutes after I downloaded it. It crashes pretty much every day. The website sucks, too. Honestly, you’re better off just buying the actual paper, but no one does that anymore.”
The man cleared his throat.
“But yeah, I’m still doing interviews,” he said. “Where in the city are you located?”
You agreed to meet at a hole-in-the wall cafe nearby. You had never been there before.
“It’s quiet enough that we’ll be able to actually hear each other speak, and secluded enough that no one will hear what we’re discussing. I, uh…I know this stuff is really personal and hard for people to talk about, so I want to give you that respect. We can go to a more popular place if you’d be more comfortable with that. Or we could meet up at the park. If you need proof that I’m a real reporter, my name’s Eddie Brock. You can google me…or search for my articles on that app we love so much.”
You smiled to yourself. You liked Eddie Brock.
“No,” you said. “The place you suggested should be just fine.”
Luckily, you didn’t live too far from one another. The coffee shop was only a ten minute walk for you. You got there before he did, ordering yourself a large coffee. The place was kind of shabby, but the old woman at the counter had a kind face. She made you feel seen, like you weren’t just a number in the vast metropolis that was New York. She reminded you of home.
You shoved some cash into the tip jar and walked over to an open booth. As Eddie had stated, the place wasn’t very crowded. You had quite a few spots to choose from. You sat there for a few minutes, your fingers fidgeting as you took large sips of your coffee and scrolled through Instagram. As rundown as the place was, you had to admit that the coffee was pretty spectacular.
Fifteen minutes after you were supposed to meet up, a man in a worn out leather jacket stumbled through the doorway. He seemed to have some trouble opening the door, pulling at the handle despite it being a push door. You couldn’t help but smirk, pressing your lips together to keep from laughing. As he walked in, the woman at the counter shook her head.
“Eddie, I’ve told you ten times now!” she said.
They both spoke in unison. “You have to push the door open.”
“Yeah, yeah. I know, May,” Eddie said. He suddenly dropped what appeared to be a motorcycle helmet on the floor, causing you both to jump.
“Jesus Christ…” he grumbled.
“The usual?” May asked, already turning towards the cappuccino machine.
“Yup,” he said, placing some crumpled up bills and a bunch of coins on the counter. He peered around the cafe at the very few patrons, his brows furrowed. You gave him a little wave.
“Oh!” he exclaimed, barreling towards you. It was quickly becoming clear to you that Eddie was not the most graceful person in the world.
“Hi,” you said timidly. The prospect of talking about your mental health issues with someone you didn’t know suddenly felt very intimidating. You stood up from your spot as he reached out to shake your hand.
“Eddie Brock,” he said, giving you a smile that instantly put you at ease. It wasn’t one of those polite, surface level smiles that acquaintances typically doled out. It seemed genuine, like he was actually happy to see you. “Nice to meet you.”
He sat down and placed his helmet on his side of the booth.
“You rode your motorcycle here?” you asked. Ugh. Obviously. Why were you so awkward?
“Oh, yeah. I’m sorry I’m late. I try to be on time for my interviews, but it’s rare that I’m ever on time for anything. I did run into some heavy traffic today, though. I swear.”
“It’s alright,” you said. “I’ve got all day.”
“Day off?” he asked, smiling warmly at you.
“Um…” Every day was a day off for you lately. “Yes…?”
May slammed his drink on the counter. “If you want your drink, you better come over and get it, Eddie. I’m not a waitress.”
Eddie playfully rolled his eyes. “Hold on, hold on,” he said in mock exasperation. May stood with her hands on her hips. He picked up the mug and tipped it up at her. “Thanks, darlin’.”
May smiled and shook her head again, redirecting her focus on cleaning off the counter.
You took a sip of your drinks at the same time as he sat back down. You shot him a knowing look.
“Good, right?” he asked. “This place is a real gem. I’ve been coming here for a while now. May takes up a big chunk of my paycheck.”
“No joke, this is probably the best cup of coffee I’ve ever had,” you conceded.
“Right?!” As you eyed him more closely, it was plain to see that he was both freshly showered and a bit hungover. He smelled like mint and aftershave, and his hair was still slightly wet.
“Alright,” he said, rubbing beneath his eye with his knuckle. “I’m not going to ask you to tell me a little bit about yourself. As a reporter, I hate that question. I really, truly do. The answers are almost never honest or authentic—not completely, anyway. I like the complete story, the real one. Besides, this isn’t a job interview, and I’m not going to put you on the spot like that.”
Okay. You really liked Eddie Brock.
“If anything I’m asking makes you uncomfortable, though, tell me and I’ll scrap it. It’s an editorial. It’s meant to empower people with mental illness, so you control the narrative. If we finish up this interview and you start feeling remorse, tell me and I’ll scrap it, as long as you tell me before the first of the month. Once I submit it, there’s nothing I can do. But you’re getting your fifty bucks either way.”
You nodded. “Got it.”
“Alright. You ready?”
You nodded.
“Let’s get down to business, then,” he said, pulling out his phone. “Is it okay if I record this? I won’t post it anywhere. I’ll delete it after I finish the article, I just need to transcribe it.”
“Yeah, that’s no problem.”
The conversation was really fluid and natural for what it was. It felt like a normal, everyday discussion. Initially, he just asked you a lot about your job and your life before moving to the city. He would occasionally interject and tell you about himself, providing the right amount of give-and-take to make you feel at ease. He was originally from San Francisco. He moved to New York for college and wound up staying after he graduated. He had been a reporter at The Daily Bugle for a few years, and preferred to delve into some serious investigative journalism whenever the opportunity presented itself. He dabbled in photography, too.
It was around ten minutes in that he started asking you about your mental health. It was bizarre just how comfortable you felt with Eddie, more comfortable than you had felt with anyone in a very long time. It was like a dam had broken. The words came out of you before you could stop them, perhaps because you had spent so much time alone since moving to the city, without anyone to talk to. More likely, though, it was because you knew you wouldn’t be at risk of oversharing. He actually wanted the whole scoop. That was what he was paying you for.
More than that, though, it seemed like he was truly listening—like he actually cared. There was something about the way he looked at you.
“I don’t think I’ll even need that audio file,” he chuckled. “I don’t know if you could tell, but I feel really…invested, I guess is the right word, in your story.”
“Sorry…” you said. You weren’t sure why you were even apologizing. You swore it was just a natural reflex for you. It was something for you to work on.
“I just want you to know, it means something to me that you told me all this.”
You let out a nervous laugh, averting your eyes towards your coffee. You ran your pointer finger over the edge of the mug.
“No,” he said, placing his hand over yours. “I’m serious. Look at me. Look up at me.”
When you looked up, you were caught off guard by the intensity of his gaze, the unwavering sincerity there. The color of his eyes was interesting; not quite blue, not quite green. Hazel. Kind of pretty, really.
“This isn’t just another story for me. The fact that you trusted me enough to be so honest…I don’t take that for granted. Thank you.”
You gave him a small smile. He grabbed your hands and enclosed them with his, squeezing a tiny bit before letting them go. “I’ll do right by you with this article. I meant what I said about you controlling the narrative. You have any regrets, you call me and it’s gone.”
“Thanks, Eddie,” you said. “It’s been really nice talking to you. And thank you for the money. I almost feel tempted to give it back to you.”
He waved his hand flippantly at you, as if the gesture would wipe that thought away completely.
“Oh, by the way. Did you want to use a pseudonym? I’m totally fine with that. But—and this is not to sound patronizing—I think using your real name would be a great opportunity for you to promote your business, and I would like to give you that opportunity.”
You were somewhat hesitant to do so given the personal nature of the article. You had initially replied to it because the offer of a pseudonym meant that you had nothing to lose. But when you thought about it, you needed more than just this fifty dollars to tie you over, and you could really use that kind of exposure. Not to mention, you were tired of being made to feel ashamed of your diagnosis. As scary as it was, being open about it was consistent with your values. It helped set a precedent. You quickly gave him your social media handle, along with the name of your website.
You both sat in silence for a while. Your drinks were finished. You had already thanked each other for your time. There was no reason to stick around. And yet, you couldn’t bring yourself to get up and leave. You felt a little drained from releasing all of that pent up energy, and you assumed Eddie felt tired from listening to all of it. How long had it been—an hour? Two? That was a lot of talking.
“Can I ask you something?” you probed, the words escaping before you could stop them.
“Ah, now it’s my turn to be in the hot seat,” he mused. “Maybe I should order another coffee.”
“Why did you want to write about this?” you asked. “Was it something your boss assigned to you, or were you just interested…?”
Eddie paused for a long moment, thinking to himself.
“Well,” he said wistfully. “I would be lying to you if I told you that I didn’t have my own issues. I think we all do. Some people—” he gestured towards you. “—are just more honest about it than others. I wanted to take on this project because I have a personal connection to it, and I think it’s important for people to talk about. To tell you the truth, I got fired from my job a few months ago. Not for long, but long enough for me to sink into a pretty deep depression. I didn’t get out of bed for a while. I wasn’t eating, I wasn’t checking my mail, I wasn’t paying my bills, I wasn’t even showering. It was really dark for a while. I know there are other jobs out there, but I felt crushed. I was lucky that they decided to bring me back on. I pretty much had to beg for my spot back, but I’m here now nonetheless.”
“I’m really sorry, Eddie.”
He shrugged. “It could’ve been much worse, but thank you.“
“Can I ask why you got fired?”
Another sigh. “I was writing a piece about this serial killer that was terrorizing the city for a good six months or so. That story became my whole life. I ate, slept, and breathed that case. It meant that much to me. I wanted to be the one to catch and expose the killer. I genuinely felt like I had the capacity to do it, like I was on the edge of finding the truth.
“I ended up finding out who the killer was. At least, I thought I did. I told the police, and they ended up conducting an investigation. They turned up with nothing, but I was just so sure of myself. I ended up publishing the story in The Daily Bugle. I didn’t ask my boss or any of the editors for permission. I did it entirely on my own, which you’re never supposed to do. I sort of…snuck it onto the front page. It took a lot of finagling, but I was desperate. I really wanted people to know who this guy was. It wasn’t even about my ego as a reporter at that point. I didn’t care about breaking the big story anymore. No one at work believes me when I tell them that, but really I just wanted to protect people. That was all I wanted.”
“It wasn’t the guy, was it?” you asked.
He ran his hand through his hair and sighed.
“That kid that I mentioned, the one that created the app? He was the one that caught the guy. My boss wrote an article exposing me for doing what I did after talking to him. He was the one who got me fired. Peter Parker.”
Even though you agreed with what Peter did, you liked Eddie enough to want to make him feel better about the situation. He was only human, after all. His intentions had been good, but the way he went about it had been godawful.
“That’s a stupid name,” you blurted out.
He chuckled wryly. “Yeah, I thought so, too. But he helped protect the city. I didn’t. Not to mention, I accused an innocent man of something he didn’t do. I tried to have him incarcerated. What if he had been? I feel terrible about that every day. I’ve tried reaching out to him to apologize, but he hates me. I can’t say I blame him.
“Even though the story itself wasn’t about my ego, the fact that I screwed up so royally and lost my job bruised my ego quite a bit. It was just so humiliating. I’m lucky my family doesn’t give a shit about what I’m up to, because if they found out what happened, they would torture me about it until the end of time.”
You suddenly felt lost for words. All you could come up with was, “I’m sorry, Eddie.”
He gave you a light smile and turned to look out the window.
“I always say that I came to this city because I wanted to try something new. I wanted to live in New York; see the sights, become a real journalist, carve out a path of my own. Now that’s all true, but the real story is that I probably would have gone anywhere to escape where I grew up. Ask anyone in my family, and they’d be happy to inform you that I’m the undisputed black sheep.”
In spite of his wrongs, the look on his face tugged on something within you. You loved your family, but you could relate to feeling like an outsider. It was glaringly obvious that your parents would always like your older sister more than they liked you. And why wouldn’t they? She was smart, hardworking, beautiful. She had a well-paying job and a perfect little family of her own.
And she wasn’t bipolar.
“It’s embarrassing to admit, but I was nasty towards that Parker kid long before he broke that story about me. Don’t get me wrong, it’s not in my nature to be a bully. I used to beat up kids like that in school,” he emphasized, raising his hands defensively. “But something about that boy reminds me so much of my little brother, and I hate my brother.”
“Why?” you asked. “Was he a jerk?”
“No,” he said. “Not at all, actually. That’s the worst part. When I was much younger, I loved my brother. He was a nerd, and I was always very protective of him. But when I got to be around—I don’t know, thirteen or fourteen—things changed. My parents saw him as the golden child. They practically worshipped the ground he walked on. I kind of understand it now. He was a good kid. He was smart, he did well in school, and he was just so nice. Good-natured, eager to help out. Like that Parker kid. I was a bit of a rebel, so…”
He took a large gulp of his coffee. “He’s a doctor now, the little prick.”
You laughed. “Probably a very good doctor, I’m guessing?”
“Oh, I have no doubt about that,” he said. “Neither do my parents. I don’t really speak to him if I can avoid it. He used to try and reach out to me, but he doesn’t anymore unless it’s around the holidays. Whenever I’m caught up in an episode of self-loathing, I’ll unblock him on Facebook so I can see what he’s up to. I’m sorry to bore you with all this, though. I know this ain’t about me.”
“Y’know, I could definitely picture you being a little rebel,” you said, a grin spreading across your face. “Did you have a motorcycle as a teenager, too?”
He shot you a look. “Oh, I had a motorcycle alright…if you could call it that. It was seriously a deathtrap. I bought it off Craigslist for five hundred bucks, long before I got my motorcycle license. I would ride around the neighborhood without a helmet on and rev the engine to try and impress girls. I still have the tattoo I got illegally, too.”
He turned his head downwards and lifted up his jeans to show you his ankle. On it was a faded red anarchy symbol with very shaky line work.
You laughed.
“Wow. Badass.”
He rolled his eyes and laughed. “I was so embarrassing. No wonder why my parents didn’t like me.”
He gave you the money he promised and even bought you a coffee for the road. He informed you that the story would be published the following month, the morning of World Mental Health Day. You parted ways with a friendly hug. Part of you was hoping that he would ask if you wanted to hang out sometime, but you quickly shoved the thought from your mind. He was a writer doing a story. Just because he was nice to you one time didn’t mean that he owed you his attention. Even if you would never see him again, you felt grateful to know at least one person in the city. Actually two now, having met May.
The following week was a strange one, to say the least.
It started off promisingly enough. On Monday morning, you received an order on your website for some small prints you had done a while ago. It was all from the same person. They wanted the prints shipped to a P.O. box, and they had listed their name as ‘Alien Symbiote.’ You had to laugh. If there was anyone out there that you wanted as a customer, it was someone that referred to themselves as ‘Alien Symbiote.’
You swiftly mailed the prints out and decided to stop by that cafe Eddie had introduced you to. You wanted to start off your week seeing a familiar face, and May did not disappoint. She gave you your drink to-go with a smile and a “Hope to see you back here soon!”
"Don’t worry,” you reassured her. You will.”
You made your trip to the cafe quick. A part of you secretly hoped you might see Eddie there, but that made you feel like a massive creep. If he was going to show up any time soon—which you highly doubted, given how hectic his job probably was—you skedaddled before he could. You didn’t want to make him uncomfortable. You just really, really wanted that coffee.
You took a stroll through the park for half an hour or so before sitting down on a nearby bench. You put your headphones in and set to work on some random illustrations in your sketchbook. You must have listened to the same song thirty times—as you were prone to do when you found a new song you liked—before you finally got sick of it and changed it to something else. Hours passed as you scribbled, shaded, outlined and erased anything and everything that crossed your mind. Lately you were on a wildlife kick. The cornfields and pastures you drew made you feel a little homesick. You stopped yourself before you would inevitably cry, and focused on running errands instead. Walking around with music playing in your ears made grocery store runs much more enticing.
When you got home, you collapsed onto your bed to take a late afternoon nap. Just as you were about to fall asleep, you felt a nice breeze circulating throughout your room. You opened your eyes slowly, your gaze shifting towards your window—which had been left wide open. You couldn’t remember opening it; not that morning, not last night. You typically kept all of your windows closed and locked, but you had woken up feeling pretty exhausted. In fact, you were waking up pretty exhausted most mornings. You wrote it off as a side effect of your medication. Maybe you had opened it while you were getting ready and left it ajar without being fully aware of what you were doing. You left it as it was during your nap. You would make sure to shut and lock it when you woke up. The breeze was just so nice.
The next few days were when things got weird.
Your psychiatrist from your hometown had referred you to a new psychiatrist a few blocks from where you lived. You knew you could trust her referral. Your new psychiatrist had a very warm presence. He exceeded your expectations. When you brought up the tiredness you experienced from your medication, he said there was likely an easy fix. He suggested that you try a new medication. If it didn’t work out, you could always switch back to the old one. You were a bit wary at first, but he reassured you that a large number of his Bipolar II patients recounted positive experiences with this particular drug.
It all started on your late night walk home from the pharmacy. You took out your headphones for a brief moment to untangle the wires, and that was when you heard it. There was a set of footsteps walking directly behind you, almost like they were trying to keep pace with you. You whipped your head around, spotting some typical passerby. A family, two women laughing, a guy walking his dog. You figured that maybe a cat had skittered by right next to you or something.
But it happened again the next night. And the night after that. And in the afternoon, and in the morning. You kept hearing those footsteps right behind you. Sometimes when you turned around, you could see another shadow in addition to yours, only for it to quickly disappear. It felt like someone was watching you, like someone was following you. You tried to reason with yourself that this paranoia was due to your new medication, but you remembered hearing those footsteps the night prior to even starting it.
There was other stuff, too.
You kept forgetting to lock your window at night, which was strange, because you could never remember unlocking it. You woke up on Friday to find that you had misplaced a few of your drawings. After scouring your entire apartment to find them, you realized they may have fallen out of your sketchbook during one of your many walks through the park.
It didn’t help that your new medication was making you nauseous. Your psychiatrist had reassured you that this was a typical side effect within the first two weeks, and that it would most likely pass after that point. If it didn’t, you could always try something else (as frustrating as that idea was). In spite of the nausea, you were starting to feel less tired in the mornings, and you hadn’t been experiencing any racing thoughts or depressive symptoms.
You lost your headphones at some point in the midst of this, which was disappointing. Although you received a few commissions via Instagram that week, you didn’t want to factor a new pair of headphones into your budget this month. You figured you would wait for another online order or commission until splurging on yourself.
Your concerns about money and issues with nausea seemed to have no effect on your coffee intake, however. You stopped by to see May every few days, more than willing to spend as much as you needed to in order to get your fix. On Friday afternoon, May stopped you before you could head out the door.
“Eddie was here this morning,” she said. “I think he’s been looking for you. He asked if I had seen you at all this week.”
You felt a rush of gaiety at her words.
“Really?”
May nodded. “I told him it was none of his business until he bought something. And then when he bought something, I told him it was still none of his business,” she chuckled. “But then he tipped me, and I relented.”
You wondered if the number you called him with was a landline at work or something. But it couldn’t have been. When you first spoke to him, it sounded like he had literally just woken up, unless he had fallen asleep at his desk. Maybe he received a lot of phone calls due to the ad, and wasn’t sure which number was yours in his call log.
May leaned towards you and gestured for you to come closer to the counter. When you leaned in, she whispered, “I think that man is a little sweet on you, to tell you the truth.”
You felt your stomach flip, and you suddenly felt flustered. You really wanted to believe that. It was hard not to like Eddie. He was kind and perceptive and real. But it was more likely that he wanted to speak with you about the story. As disappointed as that made you feel, you were happy to help him out in any way you could.
“Thanks, May,” you said, clearing your throat. “I’ll get in touch with him.”
🕷
You laid in bed, scrolling through your phone as a Hulu documentary blared at you from your tv. It didn’t take long to find Eddie’s number. The only other people in your call log since moving to Brooklyn were your mom, your sister, and a few telemarketers. You typed in his number like you were about to text him, then deleted it. You did this several times. You wanted to contact him, but you also didn’t want to seem like some clingy weirdo that lacked boundaries.
But he had been looking for you…
You set your phone down on the dresser next to your bed and restarted the documentary. You hadn’t been paying much attention to it, and it seemed fairly interesting. Maybe you would text him in the morning.
When you were just on the verge of sleep, your phone startled you awake. Someone was calling you. You scrambled to turn down the volume on your tv. With blurry vision, you reached to grab it, your fingers fumbling as you got ahold of your phone. You moved your finger across the touch screen and held it up it to your ear without even really looking at the number that was calling you.
“Hello?” you said with a yawn.
“Hi. This is Eddie Brock, the writer from The Daily Bugle? I conducted an interview with you about a week ago.”
You immediately sat up. “Yeah! Eddie. Hey.”
If you weren’t mistaken, it was like you could hear him smile through the phone.
“I’m sorry to be calling so late,” he lamented. “If you want, I can call you back sometime tomorrow at a more reasonable time. You sound a little tired.”
You looked at the clock. 9:15pm. Wow. Given all the naps you so enjoyed, it wasn’t like you to fall asleep so early in the evening.
“Nonono, it’s totally fine. It’s really not that late. How are you?”
“Ah, well. Overworked. Underpaid. You know the deal,” he said. “How have you been?”
“Not too bad. May told me you were looking for me?”
“Yeah,” he said with a breathy laugh.
Did he sound…embarrassed?
“I’m so sorry to bother you with this, but I was hoping I could see you again sometime soon. I have a few more questions I wanted to ask for the article. Also—if this makes you uncomfortable, stop me now—the bossman suggested that we get some photos to go along with it.”
“Photos?”
“Yeah, a few pictures of the people I interviewed; only the ones that were okay with sharing their identities, obviously. They won’t be printed in the actual paper, but they’ll be posted online when the story comes out.”
You mulled that over for a second. It was scary thinking of people seeing what you looked like and knowing so much information about you. But if you wanted to promote your business and be seen as a legitimate artist, you figured there had to be some price to pay. Besides, if anyone decided to take a peek at your social media after reading the article, they would end up seeing your face, anyway.
“You can say no,” he said, his words adamant. “We can just finish up some more questions for the interview, or we can forgo those altogether. I know this is a lot to ask from you, and I have more than enough material t—”
“No,” you interrupted. “No, Eddie, it’s fine. I’m totally okay with that. If I’m willing to fully reveal my identity, I think it’ll help normalize my diagnosis in some small way. It shows people they shouldn’t be ashamed of it.”
“That’s what my boss said, and I mostly agreed. I just don’t want to risk it being exploitative on any level. But are you really sure? The last thing I want to do is waste your time.”
“I appreciate that. I’m sure.”
“There’s just one little thing,” he said.
“…Okay?”
“I’m going to be the one taking the photos. I actually started off as a photographer at The Bugle before I landed my writing gig. We can shoot them literally anywhere you want. The sidewalk, the park, your apartment, wherever. But I can find you a female photographer if you’d be more comfortable with that.”
“No, I trust you. But if the photos turn out bad—which won’t be your fault, I assure you—I’m not above begging you to throw your camera into the ocean.”
“Don’t get it twisted,” he said with a laugh. “I think you’re gonna make my job very easy…”
Then, more quietly, “…being such a beautiful subject and all.”
He was just being nice, you told yourself. He didn’t really mean it. He just needed to get photos for his article, and he was probably schmoozing you to persuade you to do it.
Even so, it was nice to hear, especially coming from him.
🕷
Okay. So you didn’t know Eddie super well. It was probably not the best idea to invite this virtual stranger to your apartment. But there was something about him that made you feel safe, as ridiculous as that sounded. Maybe it was because he told you about his dynamic with his family, a dynamic that you were all too familiar with. Or maybe it was just your new medication, which you were developing a few concerns about.
You could feel yourself becoming increasingly scatterbrained as of late. You kept losing things; paintbrushes, your favorite shirt, the sketchbook from your freshman year of college. Once every few days, you would arrive home to find something out of place. Your window was unlocked, the cabinet drawers in your kitchen were left open, your blankets were all over the place when you thought you made your bed that morning. You even started to wonder if your apartment was haunted, but you were experiencing that same uneasiness every time you went out.
Wherever you went, you could swear you heard a set of footsteps trailing behind you, especially at night. But whenever you turned around to see who it was, no one was there. The worst part was the heavy feeling of eyes on you at all times. You weren’t sure why, but you could feel this energy in the air like someone was watching you. One night while you were attempting to cook, you spotted someone out of the corner of your eye. They were across the street, a shadow staring up into your window. When you looked outside, however, all you saw was the normal rush of people walking along the sidewalks. You started keeping your curtains closed at all times and bought a few cheap lamps to try and create an illusion of natural light. Even though you knew you were just being paranoid, your blackout curtains made you feel just a tiny bit more comfortable.
A teeny, tiny bit.
But you wanted to give this new medication a chance. Apart from the paranoia, you felt pretty stable. You weren’t buying anything impulsively or lying in bed for days on end. You woke up most mornings feeling refreshed and energetic, and kept yourself on a routine as you worked from home.
When the day came that Eddie visited you, you were really happy to see him. It was borderline pathetic. You stood up from the couch as soon as you heard his motorcycle pull up outside. You peered out the window to find him struggling to open the front doors, pushing instead of pulling. You chuckled as you watched him curse at himself and lean his head back in defeat, finally jarring them open.
When he knocked on your apartment door, you waited a few seconds before opening it. You didn’t want to appear as eager to see him as you felt. You pulled all the curtains open and turned off the lamps. It was a sunny day out, and you didn’t want him to think you were weird. As soon as you swung the door open, he smiled brightly at you.
“Hey,” you greeted him shyly.
“Hey you,” he said, as if you were old friends reuniting after a long time apart. He dropped his helmet onto the floor and pulled you into a tight hug, twisting and lifting you up slightly as he did. That same smell of mint and aftershave wafted through the air. Your feelings of paranoia and uncertainty felt like a distant memory.
He shifted his focus to your marginally messy living space. Although clean, you had paintings on canvases of various sizes stacked up all along the floor. Your charcoal pencils and oil pastels were strewn across your desk, along with a pile of unfinished commissions.
“Holy shit,” he muttered.
“I know it’s complete and utter chaos in here. I meant to clean up before you got here, but I’ve been kind of bus—”
“No,” he said, approaching one of your paintings on a larger canvas. You had completed it a while ago, a still life of the house you grew up in. He lifted it up and examined it carefully. He turned towards the other canvases and rifled through them.
He turned back towards you and raised his eyebrows. “You made these?”
You nodded. “Yeah. Not my best work, but—”
“If this isn’t your best work, then your best work has to be, like…godly.”
You snorted. “Eddie.”
“I’m serious!” he exclaimed. “I mean, I’ll admit it. I’ve creeped on your social media, and you were as talented as I thought you would be. But these are on another level.”
You figured you would spend the day walking around the park—which you did—but only after Eddie took you to the Metropolitan Museum of Art. You talked for hours, so much so that you hadn’t realized how few questions he had asked that were pertinent to the interview. You mostly just chit chatted about your daily lives, and thoughts and feelings on various topics. Your favorite movies, books, music, places. Your dream vacation, your favorite stores. He didn’t ask to voice record any of it. The only Daily Bugle related thing you did was pose for a few photos in the park, which you refused to even look at.
“I’m going to tear myself to shreds if I see them,” you said over your second cup of May’s coffee. “I’m serious. Don’t show them to me. I want you to have photos for your article and I don’t want to be annoying and ask you to retake a bunch of them.”
“We can retake as many photos as you want,” he said sympathetically. “But you really do look great in these. No surprise there.”
You could seriously get used to being complimented by Eddie Brock.
It was dark by the time you decided to call it quits. You couldn’t believe how quickly the day flew by. Eddie couldn’t, either.
“The article will be published in a few weeks. If by any chance you want to see the photos, you can take a look at the website. They should all be there.”
“Or, y’know. The app,” you teased.
He rolled his eyes. “No, not the app. Never the app.”
True to his word, the article came out the morning of World Mental Health Day. It was beautifully written. He had inserted well-researched facts and figures throughout, and paid respect to the subjects he interviewed, maintaining and promoting their dignity. The photos he posted were really good quality, edited in black and white. Apart from you, he had photographed around five other people. Yours was at the very bottom of the page, a candid photo of you laughing. You were pleasantly surprised. You actually looked kind of nice. He had even printed your website and social media handle in bold.
You shot him a text, opting not to call him during the workday.
Eddie, oh my god! It’s amazing!!!! Thank you so much!
You received a reply just a few seconds later.
Like I said, you made my job easy.
In the hours that followed, you received an overflow of commission requests and hits to your website. You were beaming as you replied to the incoming messages. Not much later, you received another text from Eddie.
Bold question for you. Would you want to grab a celebratory drink sometime?
Um…YES. Was that even a question? You let out a happy sigh as you texted him back.
As long as I’m buying. I owe you big time.
Later that night after finishing a few commissions, you set to work on a sketch for Eddie. It was risky, but you wanted to help him see his hometown through new eyes, just as you had been doing lately. You wanted to recreate San Francisco as something beautiful and safe for him to take the edge off of some of his crappy memories. He told you he always enjoyed visiting the Wave Organ when he felt bummed out. You took that tidbit of information and ran with it.
In contrast to the elation you felt, you were startled from a deep sleep the following morning by a jarring nightmare. As you were sitting in bed working away on your Wave Organ illustration, a gel-like string came through your open window and curled itself around the walls. Your eyes widened as more and more of these long, black strings came through the window. You sat there stunned, unable to move as they took up larger and larger amounts of space within your tiny room. Suddenly, a head poked its way through your window. It was the most terrifying thing you had ever seen. It looked like some kind of alien you had only ever seen in movies, with giant white eyes and sharp teeth. It was massive and looked insanely strong. It moved closer and closer towards you, clutching onto the edge of your bed with its claws. It felt like the wind had been knocked out of you. You couldn’t cry, couldn’t scream. You could barely breathe. After staring at you for a few seconds, twisting its head to the side, it poked its tongue out at you and let out this awful roaring, screaming noise.
Without even thinking, you flipped to a blank page in your sketchbook as soon as you woke up. You picked up a charcoal pencil and etched the creature onto the page in under an hour. You weren’t sure why you felt so compelled to recreate what you saw. It was like something else was controlling your hands as you drew. When you finally finished, you threw your pen down on the page and let out a breath you hadn’t realized you were holding.
🕷
“Bold question,” Eddie said, clinking his beer against yours. You hated beer, but he was adamant that the hole in the wall bar you met up at had a beer selection that even you would enjoy.
“Oh no. Not another one,” you joked, taking a sip of your drink.
Huh. He wasn’t wrong. Your beer (which he refused to allow you to pay for) was actually pretty good.
He leaned his cheek against his fist, sliding his elbow across the counter.
“Do you have a boyfriend?”
You raised your eyebrows. “I don’t. Why do you ask?”
He smiled, taking a swig of his drink. “You would think I’d have asked you before. I really should have. I mean, I’m pretty invested at this point…but yeah, no. It’s good that you don’t have a boyfriend.”
You rolled your eyes and laughed. “I would have to agree. I don’t have the best track record when it comes to those.”
“No?” he asked. He placed both his elbows on the counter and draped his wrists along the edge, leaning closer towards you. He was looking at you like that was some kind of challenge, like he knew something you didn’t. “I think I can change that.”
You felt an inkling of courage at his words, reaching into your bag to pull out the Wave Organ drawing in its silly little dollar store frame. You were slowly starting to accept that Eddie Brock had a crush on you, maybe an even bigger crush on you than you had on him, if that was possible. You really, really hoped he wouldn’t think your thankful gesture wasn’t cringeworthy.
He craned his head around you to peer at the drawing. “What’s that?”
“Well…” you said, taking a deep breath. “I’m not sure if I can ever properly repay you for what you’ve done, but this is my attempt.” You held it out to him abruptly, resisting the urge to clamp your eyes shut.
He gently picked it up, pulling it closer to his face to get a good look.
“Is this…”
“The Wave Organ. I felt really sad when you told me about all the bad memories you had growing up. You mentioned that this was one of the places you liked to escape to when you were feeling low. I know this in no way erases those memories, but I wanted to give you something that could help you see San Francisco from your own, untainted point of view. I hope one day the city won’t be as ruined for you as it is now. It’s not just your family’s home. It’s yours, too. No one gets to take that away from you.”
He stared at the drawing for a long time before squinting his eyes shut and clearing his throat. He twisted his head to the side to crack his neck and cleared his throat before opening them again.
“Man…you’re getting me a little choked up over here,” he said, his voice gravelly. He set the frame down on the counter and wiped a stray tear from the corner of his eye. Maybe it hadn’t been the best move to give him such a personal gift in such a dingy bar. It wasn’t your intention to make him upset or bring the mood down. You placed your hand over his, scrambling to come up with a good apology.
“Eddie, I—”
“This just might be the best gift anyone has ever given me,” he said, brushing his thumb along the side of your hand.
He looked like he actually meant it.
And then he leaned in and kissed you. It seemed like it was simultaneously the shortest and longest kiss in the world. You got totally lost kissing him, forgetting that you were in a public place, forgetting everything.
Yup. You really, really liked Eddie Brock.
After a couple of hours, you decided to call it a night. Neither of you even really drank that much. You had one beer to his two, with lots of water and some stale chips in between. Before you could start on your walk home, Eddie stopped you.
“Hey, would you, um…would you want to come back to my place for a little bit?”
You raised your eyebrows and smirked.
“It doesn’t have to mean what you think it means, ya little goofball. I would be happy to just hang out and watch a movie with you. Like, actually watch a movie. If there’s anything I have an excess of, it’s popcorn. The good kind, too. Not that microwave shit.”
“Huh,” you mused, pretending to exaggeratedly think it over. “The good kind of popcorn, no microwave shit. A tempting prospect.”
You had to admit, you were kind of curious about what his apartment looked like. Eddie had somewhat of a messy vibe to him. Being just as engaged with his work as you were (if not more so), you figured he probably had a ton of paper and pens and post-its all over the place.
“And you’d get a free ride out of the deal with a very safe driver. I’ll even let you wear my helmet.”
You had never been on a motorcycle before.
“Well, no. I’m not letting you wear my helmet. I’m making you wear my helmet.” Before you could say anything, he pushed your hair back and slid the heavy black helmet down over your head. Once it was fully on, he lightly knocked on the side. “Gotta protect that beautiful little noggin.”
“But what about you?” you asked.
“What about me?” he asked, motioning for you to come closer as he got on the bike.
“Don’t you need a helmet?”
“Like I said, I’m a very safe driver.”
He wasn’t, but you didn’t mind.
🕷
Eddie Brock’s apartment was just what you had expected. It was very him, with brick accent walls and hardwood floors and a massive leather couch. There was a large bookshelf in the corner of the living room next to the kitchen, which was pretty clean if you ignored all the mugs and portable coffee cups in the sink. The space was dimly lit in spite of the vast quantity of light fixtures he had positioned everywhere. The living room was cluttered with random pieces of furniture he didn’t seem to know what to do with, and the coffee table had piles of papers stacked up on top of it.
“Well, this is it,” he said, tossing his keys onto the counter haphazardly. “I’m sorry it’s such a mess. Honestly I hadn’t been expecting any visitors tonight, so…”
“No?” you asked, leaning back against the fridge.
“You would think I’d have a hunch about these things, right?” he asked, pouring you a glass of water. “But no. I don’t know, I really was hoping you would want to come over here sometime, but I didn’t want to be presumptuous. When I really like someone, I try not to build my expectations up too high. I’m kind of surprised you’re here with me right now, actually. When I texted you this afternoon, I figured it was kind of a longshot.”
“Really?” you asked. “I thought it was pretty obvious that I had a massive crush on you.”
His face lit up as he shrugged his jacket off. “You had a crush on me?” he asked incredulously. “For how long?”
“I did. I do. Like, from the first time I met you.”
“Really?” he asked. “From when we did the interview at May’s? Are you sure?”
“I mean, that’s not something I’m typically uncertain about,” you chuckled. “I honestly thought you might have picked up on it.”
“No. Not at all! I wish I would have picked up on it. Maybe I wouldn’t have been so nervous sending you that text today if I had an inkling that I had a shot with you.”
“Why did you send it if you felt like you didn’t have a chance?” you asked playfully.
He shrugged. “I mean…can you really blame me for trying?”
He encouraged you to get comfortable on the couch as he set to work on the popcorn, none other than Jiffy Pop. You were surprised to find that he had a ton of DVDs in addition to being subscribed to a variety of streaming services.
“What are you in the mood for?” you asked.
“Hmm…” He turned his head towards you as he moved the pan over the stove. “Would it be weird to say horror?”
“Say no more.”
You settled on John Carpenter’s Halloween.
“Oh, where’s your bathroom?” you asked.
“Just down the hallway to the left. The lock doesn’t work, so…yeah. I won’t come bursting in on you.”
You laughed. “Good to know.”
After fixing your smudged eyeliner, straightening out your shirt, and taming a few stray hairs, you started heading back towards the living room.
And then, out of the corner of your eye, you saw it.
In the crack of a doorway was a familiar assortment of colors and lines. You pushed the door open just a tad bit more. There it was, just as you suspected: a collection of prints you had sold from your website the month prior. Your heart warmed at the thought. Eddie was the one that bought them. Eddie was ‘Alien Symbiote.’ He wanted to support your business without you knowing. He meant what he said. He really had liked your work.
You had no clue why he picked such a hilarious pseudonym, though.
You peeked down the hallway to see if Eddie had caught you snooping into his bedroom, but his back was turned to you as he worked on the popcorn. You weren’t sure why, but you pushed the door open just a tiny bit more.
You weren’t quite sure what you were seeing at first. What you were looking at was so overwhelming, so completely and utterly destabilizing that your mind couldn’t process it right away. There was just too much to take in. Eddie’s bedroom was much like the rest of the apartment, homey and cluttered and warm. But this type of clutter was…different.
Along his desk were piles of papers in complete disarray. But even through the mess, it was unmistakable.
Those were your drawings. Those were your headphones. Those were your paintbrushes. And that was your sketchbook from freshman year of college.
“Oh my god,” you whispered.
Your mind was spinning. There had to be some rational explanation as to why Eddie had those things. Your things. Things you thought you had lost or misplaced. Maybe you left them at May’s and he just so happened to find them and pick them up for you. That was a possibility, wasn’t it? That was a perfectly viable, reasonable explanation. Eddie wasn’t some kind of freak. Surely he wasn’t stalking you.
But you knew better.
Most damning of all was the bulletin board hung up above his desk. You could barely count the number of photos that were pinned up along that wall. There were photos of you walking to the post office, photos of you drawing in the park, at May’s, in your apartment. There were photos of you laughing, photos of you texting, photos of you watering the plants along your windowsill, even photos of you sleeping.
You felt like doing several things simultaneously as your nausea kicked into overdrive. You wanted to scream, cry, hide, jump out the window. You wanted to melt through the walls and avoid having to see him ever again as you bolted out of the building. You looked to the window to check for a fire escape, to no avail. It had to have been just outside the living room. You wondered if you could make it out there without him noticing, but that would be impossible. Eddie was super perceptive, and apparently hyper aware of your every move.
Almost every move. You had discovered his little…whatever this was without him knowing.
Not only was Eddie Brock a stalker, he was also a reporter. It was as if he was following you with the same fervor that he would a corrupt politician or a local hero or anyone else he was writing some in-depth exposé about. It was just so jarring. Only a few seconds ago, you felt lucky and hopeful about getting to know him better. Now all you wanted to do was erase yourself from his memory entirely.
If you lingered there any longer, you knew he would start to suspect something was up. You took a few deep breaths, trying your best not to hyperventilate. You crept down the hallway into the living room as quietly as you could. You looked back and forth from the kitchen to the living room a few times, making sure he wasn’t looking your way. Just when you were about to open the window, you heard his voice.
“Looks like we’re in business!” he exclaimed, walking towards you with a large bowl in his hands. “Now I know I talk a big game, but I’m like 99% certain that this will be the best popcorn you’ve ever had in your life.”
You whipped around instantly. Every muscle in your body felt tense and rigid. You opened your mouth to speak, but no words came out. You just stared at him.
A look of concern flashed across his face. His gaze shifted towards your hands, which were visibly shaking. “You alright?”
“Um…yeah, no. I’m fine, Eddie. I’m just not feeling very well…”
You could feel the pinpricks of tears in your eyes. Shit.
“I think I need to go home. It’s late and I think I should get some s-sleep.”
“Oh, I’m sorry,” he said, setting the bowl down on the coffee table. “C’mere, I’ll give you a ride h—”
“No!” you cut him off, your voice louder than intended. Then, more quietly, “No, no, that’s okay, Eddie. I can walk.”
“Don’t be ridiculous. It’s late. I need to know that you got home safe.”
His words made your stomach turn. He didn’t need to know anything.
“No, Eddie. No.” You pushed past him as you walked towards the kitchen counter, where you had left your phone. “I’m just gonna head out.”
“No, wait,” he said, jutting out in front of you. His hands hovered over your elbows. He was really close to you. Way too close. He smiled at you; a nervous, cloying, shifty smile. “You look like you’ve seen a ghost.”
You could feel warm tears rolling down your cheeks. Your breath became labored as you struggled to speak. “Please just let m—”
His face fell.
“What’s wrong?” he asked. “What happened? What’s wrong?”
You reached to grab your phone, but he was quicker. It shouldn’t have surprised you that he ripped your phone out of your hands, but you let out a little gasp when he did. You attempted to claw it away from him, but he pulled it out of reach every time you tried. His other hand was held out defensively, lightly pressing against your sternum as you lunged at him.
“Give me my phone!” you yelled. “Eddie, give me my phone!”
“Baby, what’s wrong?” he asked. Baby. That stupid, sickly sweet concerned look was still plastered on his face. You felt a rush of anger burn through your chest. He really had the audacity to act like he meant you no harm, like he was exactly the person you thought he was, to call you baby. But you weren’t just angry at him. You were also angry at yourself. How did you not see the signs sooner? Were there even any signs?
“Give it back to me now! You can’t just take my phone from me like that. What the hell is wrong with you?”
“Calm down. Just calm down! I’ll give it back when you tell me what’s going on,” he said. It was clear that he was slightly panicked, too, trying his best to keep his voice even. “I…I thought tonight was going so well.”
“Yeah?” you mocked. “Yeah? Me, too!”
After one final attempt at reaching for your phone, you gave up and darted past him towards the door. He tossed your phone onto the couch and jumped out in front of you once again, gripping onto your upper arms.
“Let go of me!”
You were hoping if you screamed loud enough that the neighbors would notice, but you couldn’t hear anything outside of the apartment.
“Did I do something?” he asked.
“Oh no, we’re not gonna do this,” you sobbed, backing up against the door. He followed, caging you in.
“What are y—”
“Stop acting like you don’t know what’s going on!”
“Baby, I don’t know what y—”
“I found your room. I saw it. The pictures, the drawings. That’s probably not even all of it,” you said. Your voice didn’t sound like you. It was rough, raspy. “For the last month I thought I had been going crazy, that I was losing things. But you had them all along. All that weird stuff in my apartment—the window, the cabinets. All those pictures…you’ve been following me. Why?”
He stared at you with a look akin to a deer in headlights. Panicked and confused.
“WHY?” you repeated, making him wince.
He let out a breathy sigh, giving you that same nervous smile as before. “I’m sorry, but I really don’t know what you’re talking about.”
You pushed him only for him to shove you back against the door. He wasn’t smiling anymore. He was examining you carefully, his brow furrowed. It wasn’t a judgmental look so much as a contemplative one.
“When you’ve been manic, have you ever had any hallucinations?” he asked.
“What?” you asked. “No. I don’t have full blown mania, I have hypomanic episodes. You know that. What does that have to do with anything?”
“I’ve read up on this,” he said, as if he was trying to level with you. “After I interviewed you, I did a bunch of research on bipolar disorder.”
Oh, I’m sure you did.
“And I read that if you’re having a really bad manic episode or if you’re sleep deprived, it’s possible for people with bipolar disorder to experience psychosis. Sometimes you don’t even have to be manic or sleep deprived to have hallucinations or delusions.”
Oh my god.
You let out a humorless laugh. “Are you serious with this right now? Are you hearing yourself? You’re really trying to tell me that what I just saw was all in my head?”
“Baby, please just listen t—”
“I thought you were disgusting, but this is fucking vile,” you snapped.
“Come on. It’s me! You know me. Do you seriously think I’m some kind of creep? Do you seriously think I would hurt you, or violate your privacy like that?”
“I know what I saw!”
“Have I ever once made you feel unsafe?”
“YES!” you yelled. “You’re making me feel unsafe right now!”
“Just LISTEN to me!” he yelled, shoving you against the door once again.
You almost screamed when you heard it. A separate voice was yelling in unison with Eddie’s; a louder, deeper, distorted voice. An otherworldly voice. It conjured up an image in your mind of that thing you saw in your nightmare—tangling its way along the walls, tilting its head at you, roaring so loud that it startled you awake.
Maybe you were hallucinating.
“No!” you yelled, pushing him as hard as you could. You ran down the hallway and he followed, grabbing you from behind. You hit and kicked at him, escaping his grasp every few seconds before being trapped once again. You were stumbling and clawing at one another as you moved closer and closer to his bedroom door. “You want to prove this is a hallucination? Let me see your room!”
“Wait!” Eddie yelled, blocking you from elbowing him in the nose. “Nonono, wait. Hold on. We’re not going to my room. I’m not going to entertain this delusion. Okay? You shouldn’t have gone into my room in the first place. Are you listening to me? If you’re having a psychotic break right now, you shouldn’t—”
You kicked him in the stomach as forcefully as you could, catapulting yourself onto the bedroom floor. You landed hard, but you couldn’t focus on the pain in your elbows. All you could see was the window in front of you. It was wide open. You could have sworn that it was closed when you first entered the room. Most alarming, though, was the inky black shadow crawling its way from the corner of the wall, out of the window. Your breath hitched in your throat.
“Wh…what…?”
When you turned your head to look at the bulletin board, there was nothing pinned to it. No photos. Not a single one. Even the desk was free of clutter. No papers, no headphones, no paintbrushes, no sketchbook. The only remaining item of yours were those prints he had purchased, propped up along the wall just as they had been a few minutes ago.
You sat in stunned silence.
Eddie caught his breath, curled up in a ball just outside the doorway. He was cradling his stomach, looking just as stunned as you were. He didn’t make a single move towards you. “Are you seeing anything right now?” he asked breathlessly.
“I…”
You had never cried so hard in your life.
🕷
“I don’t understand. I’ve never experienced psychosis before.”
You were lying on Eddie’s couch with wet hair and puffy eyes. You had asked if you could shower at his apartment to try and calm down, and he was polite enough to let you. He even sat outside the door to make sure you didn’t fall, and offered you one of his t-shirts and a pair of sleep shorts when you got out.
You really didn’t deserve his kindness.
You were lying against his chest, your hands lightly gripping onto his flannel. He had one arm wrapped around your torso while the other lazily played with your hair and massaged your scalp. You were still shaking pretty badly, but his warmth was helping to soothe you.
“Didn’t you switch medications recently?” he asked.
“Yeah. Do you think that could have caused it?”
“I don’t know. Do you?”
“Maybe. I had a weird feeling about it. It was making me really paranoid.”
You were both quiet for a few minutes as Halloween provided the space with background noise. Eddie had asked you if you wanted to turn on something more lighthearted considering the circumstances, but you refused. There was something about horror movies that made you feel safe—like those things were just fiction, the product of a writer’s imagination. Those things weren’t happening now, and they would never happen to you.
The silence between you took your mind to some dark places. You felt absolutely mortified that you had put Eddie through whatever the hell that was. He had been nothing but kind to you and this was how you repaid him?
“You must think I’m insane,” you mumbled, burying your face in his chest.
He pressed a gentle kiss to the top of your head. “No. I would never think that. You’re a lot of things. Insane isn’t one of them.”
“It was like I was hearing two voices at once,” you said, your stomach twisting. “Your voice, and this…other one. It didn’t sound human. I’ve never heard anything like that before.”
He wrapped both arms around you, burying his chin into the crook of your neck.
“Tomorrow morning I think you should call your psychiatrist,” he said.
“It’s a Saturday. They’re not open,” you said matter-of-factly.
“Well,” he chuckled. “I think you should call and leave a message.”
“I definitely don’t want another issue like this one. I’m just so tired of all the trial and error. It’s been such a long road for me with this.”
As the credits rolled, you turned and looked up at him. You were about to ask if he was up for Halloween 2, but when you saw the look on his face, you decided against it. He looked a little irritated. How could he not be? You had just accused him of being a stalker and gotten into a full-blown physical altercation.
“Do you want me to go?” you asked. “I can go.”
“No,” he said. “No, I don’t want you to go. I really, really don’t. It’s just…do you ever feel like your life is one monumental screwup?”
“Um. What?” you asked.
“It’s just…it upsets me a little bit, y’know? This is in no way your fault, and I know you couldn’t help it. Hallucinations can be really vivid. But it’s damaging to know that you would think so badly of me to immediately conclude I would hurt you like that.”
Your heart sunk as he continued working his fingers through your scalp.
“Eddie, I don’t think badly of you.”
“Yeah?” he asked, giving your hair a light tug. “Could’ve fooled me.”
“That’s not fair. If you could see what I saw…it looked so real. It was all there when I first walked into your room, I’m telling you. And then it was gone, just like that.”
“What did you see when you were in there?” he asked.
“Pretty much what I told you. Some stuff that had gone missing from my apartment, pictures of me all over the place. It looked like some twisted shrine or something. It was really terrifying. If you saw a shrine of yourself in my room, wouldn’t you be scared, too?”
“Like what, if you were stalking me, you mean?”
You nodded.
“Hah. Well…I can’t say I would be too upset about that.”
“Stop,” you chuckled.
“Kidding, kidding,” he said. “I’m being an idiot. I’m sorry. I don’t expect any kind of apology from you or anything. That wasn’t your fault and you were just as scared as I was. It’s just that all this time I feel like you’ve gotten the chance to see me for what I am, you know? The actual me. Not this horrible person that everybody seems to think I am. It’s been so rare for me to find people that are truly willing to get to know me, and things had been going so well with you. I didn’t want that to change. I’ve been terrified that I’m going to mess it up somehow, and it hurts that, even for a split second, you saw me just like everybody else in my life does.
“This is going to sound awful, and maybe it’s an ego thing, but I kind of…I don’t want you to look up to me, that’s not what I’m trying to say. But I do want you to know that you can trust me. Like, I want to be the one that you call when you need something. Or even just for no reason at all. I want you to feel like you can call me whenever you want.”
“If I called you whenever I wanted, you would probably block my number,” you said.
“No, I definitely wouldn’t,” he laughed, smiling softly. “I just want you to feel safe with me, that’s all. And I want to help you figure this medication thing out.”
You sighed. “I just want to be normal. I’m so tired of this, Eddie.”
“I know. And I know you can do it on your own, but you don’t have to. I don’t want you to go through any of this alone anymore.”
You had a sinking feeling that Eddie didn’t know what he was signing up for. You already felt terrible about what had happened tonight. You weren’t sure if you or he could handle any even remotely similar reoccurrences.
“Eddie—”
“No, I mean it. As long as you want me around, I’m not going anywhere.”
A state of calm overtook you as Eddie shut the tv off. In spite of all that happened, you were overcome with a sense of ease and weightlessness you hadn’t experienced in years. He was just so warm, and he made you feel accepted in the wake of your most embarrassing moment. You were just about to drift off to sleep when your eyes snapped open.
You had never told Eddie that you switched medications.
🕷
shoutout to all my fellow bipolar girlies lol <3 love u, stay safe <3
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mysisters-bike · 3 months
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did Eric have ocd
thanks for sending in an ask!! not likely imo, he obsessed over his own image but more in the way of insecurity than anything else. the difficult thing about eric is that we don't have as much information about his early childhood the way we do for dylan.
we do have an account from sue klebold from her book when dylan didn't perform to eric's standards during a soccer game and he allegedly yelled at dylan in front of everyone.
undoubtedly, eric had issues controlling his anger when things didn't go his way. in ocd, anger is not a general "outcome" of a compulsion not being fulfilled. ocd is rooted in the tree of anxiety and while, yes, anxiety can cause emotional outbursts, i don't think it would explain eric's issues. eric was raised in an environment where his emotions were not able to flourish and, generally, his caretakers suppressed his emotions. read more about the relationship between ocd and anger here.
"Eric began seeing a psychologist and was prescribed Zoloft, a selective serotonin reuptake inhibitor (SSRI), and later switched Luvox to help control his mood swings after the arrest. In April 1998, he wrote in his journal: My doctor wants to put me on medication to stop thinking about so many things and to stop getting angry.
He would reportedly increase or decrease the dosage on his own to see what would happen, emotionally. Certain SSRIs are notorious for increasing the likelihood of suicidality, of which Zoloft is guilty. During the program’s intake, the families filled out separate inventories detailing the psychological and behavioral state of the teenager. Eric completed a self-evaluation, noting that he had issues in the following categories: anger, anxiety, opposition to authority figures, depression, disorganized thoughts, homicidal thoughts, jealousy, loneliness, mood swings, obsessive thoughts, racing thoughts, stress, suspiciousness, and issues controlling temper. 
In the same evaluation, Eric’s father Wayne noted Eric had issues with the following: anger, depression, and suicidal thoughts. His explanation: After this incident occurred, Eric expressed his feelings concerning the above items to a psychologist. The doctor recommended antidepressant medication which seems to have helped. His mood is more upbeat. Eric seems to suppress his anger, then “blow up” and hit something or verbally lash out. He hasn’t done this at home but has done it at school and work. 
The discrepancy between Eric and Wayne’s evaluations is troubling. Wayne’s knowledge of these issues came from a third party – Eric’s therapist. This information was not given to Wayne by Eric himself. In Eric’s evaluation, he lists his mother as being “easier to talk to.” He expresses that conflict in the household primarily originates from his father and, sometimes, between him and his older brother Kevin. When asked how he knows conflict in the house is over, he writes: When my parents say so. 
Regarding punishment, Wayne writes that they will discuss conflict then wait a few days to impose disciplinary action. In response to knowing when conflict is over, he wrote: The conflict is over when we discuss the incident or situation and agree on the facts or punishment. Then he has to accept responsibility for his actions and punishment. 
This brief insight into Wayne and Kathy’s parenting style tells us one crucial detail: they have enacted an authoritative parenting style.
Authoritarian parents show their children a lack of trust, demand results without being receptive to the child, do not nurture the child, do not explain or accept explanations for punishments, disallow the child from making their own choices, will not negotiate, and are highly critical of their children’s behavior (Cherry, 2023).
Some behavioral outcomes that form as a result: The adolescent struggles with self-control and cannot make their own choices, act overly shy, find obedience synonymous with love, suffer with anxiety and depression, behave aggressively with others, are socially incompetent, have low self-esteem, and suffer with conduct issues (Cherry, 2023). 
I’ll once again reference and break down Wayne’s philosophy on punishment: Wayne admits that, when it comes to confrontation or conflict, he has the final say. Conflict ends when he decides it’s over. There is no wiggle room for Eric to reason with or contest the conflict or punishment. Wayne explains that Eric has no choice but to accept the punishment and the conflict may not cease until the parents end it. This leaves little room for autonomy in Eric’s relationship with his parents."
something interesting to call out is eric's own verbiage: My doctor wants to put me on medication to stop thinking about so many things. one could argue those are obsessive thoughts. however, i don't think we have enough information to say it is so. i think eric had anxiety and suffered with dealing with those thoughts and emotions because, as demonstrated above, he just didn't know how.
references:
Cherry, K. (2023, March 1). 8 Characteristics of Authoritarian Parenting. VeryWell Mind. https://www.verywellmind.com/what-is-authoritarian-parenting-2794955
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chrisbangsbf · 7 months
Text
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Chan/Jisung
Explicit | 820 words
Tags and Warnings: trans male character, trans jisung, friends with benefits, cunnilingus, sexual dysfunction from ssri's, healthy communication
AO3 link
"You close?"
It's been well over thirty minutes now, maybe even forty. Not that he thinks Chan minds. The dude could eat pussy for hours and have no complaints whatsoever (and probably come untouched in his pants from it too, to be honest) – Jisung knows from experience. But the sensitive little ah ah ah's that have been getting drawn out of him are not sounds of impending orgasm.
Jisung should be close – he should have already came by now, a couple times even, and it's beyond frustrating that he hasn't. That he can't. He wants to kick his legs and beg and scream and maybe pull his hair out, but he knows it would be useless. 
Chan is amazing at everything he does, and that includes using his tongue. It's felt so good the entire time, and Chan is so hot like this, it's completely unfair. His cock is absolutely throbbing, hot and slick under Chan's tongue, worked to the very edge over and over but never quite teetering over the edge. It's like heaven and hell have overlapped.
Taking a deep breath, Jisung dejectedly cards a hand through Chan's hair and sighs, "Actually, it's starting to hurt a little bit."
Chan immediately stops, pulling back with round, puppy eyes and swollen, shiny lips. "Oh, I didn't realize you already came," he says, half a smirk on his face. He gently reaches out to thumb over Jisung's cock like he's apologizing to it, but it makes him shudder violently. "I thought you were into overstim, though. I mean, you should have made me stop if you weren't into it." He frowns.
It's been a while since they've hooked up, schedules clashing and whatnot, so Jisung can't blame him for not knowing. He hasn't really brought it up to anyone besides his therapist.
"Oh. I uh... I didn't cum," he admits, hand going to lay flat on his stomach, the roiling boil of heat behind it turning to a more tolerable simmer now that Chan's laying his cheek against his thigh.
Chan's brows furrow in concern. Jisung doesn't want him to be insecure, to think his inability to cum has anything to do with him, so as soon as the other opens his mouth to ask what he's sure will be something like did I do anything wrong? Jisung speaks up again.
"Don't worry, hyung, you haven't suddenly lost your god-tier tongue abilities," he reassures. Chan grins his dopey little grin as he breathes a sigh of relief. Jisung laughs softly, face and ears still red. From both pleasure and frustration.
"Then... what's wrong?"
It's kind of amusing, having this conversation with Chan's chin wet and his whole crotch just out in the open like this, but it comes out easier than he expected. "I should have warned you this could happen," Jisung rubs his face and sits up against the pillows. "My antidepressants. They uh, sorta um, give me sexual dysfunction? Like, sometimes it's pretty much impossible to come." And he does mean impossible – not even with his vibrator on his favorite setting.
It takes Chan a second to respond, but when he does, it's a huffed, "Dude, that fucking sucks." And it would probably sound insincere from anyone else, but Chan snuggles up to his side and looks every bit as understanding as Jisung figured he would be.
He's not sure why there had been a sense of shame he felt over this. Chan's been off and on medication the entire time he's known him, he almost certainly has experience with the same thing.
"Yeah, well," Jisung lets Chan wrap an arm around his waist and bury his face in the crook of his neck, "it's either be able to come easily yet feel like killing myself, or be semi stable and not be able to come sometimes."
"I felt that," he mumbles, threading their fingers together on Jisung's stomach. "Are they helping, at least?"
Jisung turns his head and lays his cheek against Chan's hair. "I think so, yeah."
"Then it's definitely worth it."
The room grows quiet then, save for Chan's playlist moving through songs that are almost tipping into the cringe-sexy category.
And after a few moments, Chan lifts his head and asks, tone sincere, "Did you enjoy yourself?"
Jisung smiles, rolling his eyes playfully. "God, yes." Chan perks up like a puppy, invisible tail wagging as he shakes a fist happily above them. He's precious. "Just because I didn't come doesn't mean I didn't love fucking that pretty face of yours."
"Yeah?" Chan teases, wiggling his eyebrows and biting his lip. Jisung flicks his slick-tacky nose and watches it crinkle up – his breath still smells like Jisung too, and he can feel just how hard he still is, pressed up against his hip.
"You know what else I'd love?" Jisung kisses him briefly. "If you got my strap and let me see you ride me." 
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