#if im going to have to wait longer to get on HRT maybe I should look into other anxiety meds | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

thejourneytolovefrancisrose · 4 years

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i made this today and i loved it...

but in this is some updates for this blog...

sso i got really behind on updating my life and everything the second half of last year, but i will try to sum it up briefly now, even though im not sure anyone pays any attention to this tumblr lol

1: I NOW IDENTIFY AS A NON-BINARY MAN/MXN.

Since top surgery, I still get some strange feelings, way less than before, about whether this is the kind of chest I want. I have have some friends that are transmen, nonbinary and/or agender say that its very normal to have those kinds of feelings post surgery, but especially so if you don't actually feel you identify as a binary transperson. And... I had to admit to myself that all the signs pointed that way. I don't want bottom surgery and really never did. I still include the man/mxn after nonbinary because I am still heavily leaning towards that male/man side, just not in any binary definition of what i want my male/man body to look like.

I now use "they" pronouns in addition to "he/him" pronouns and will be getting the X marker on my new ID once I get everything I need for getting the ID for the state I just moved to and thats gonna be a pain in the butt since they want all kind of identification. Its got nothing to do with the gender marker though and everything to do with them making their state ids compliant so they will be usable for domestic flights and trvael to canada and mexico once they new travel laws take effect this year.

2: TOP SURGERY UPDATE

So, I know have SO MUCH MORE feeling in my chest. A bunch woke up a couple months ago and, at first, it stung and had this staticky feeling. Also, it would hurt when i would go to brush crumbs or something off my chest and I dont know if maybe I was brushing harder before since it was numb or if it was just sensitive. Certainly was a shocker the first time it happened. Its adjusted a lot now. There are still some numb spots along the sides and where they made the incision, but a lot of it is back. My nipples also no longer look all shriveled up, but the flesh is still tight. Hoping that eventually I will be able to pierce them, but I have awhile to go still since a piercer told me i should wait 2 years.

3: HRT

I went on and off hormones a lot in that last half of the year. I spent almost two months off at one time and I wasnt sure I wanted to get back on... but eventually I did. My hairline is starting to recede, but for now, i think its that normal amount that testosterone does to give you a more masculine hairline... but im keeping my eye on it. im hoping, with the new year and all, to get back in the gym soon and hope the hormones help with the body sculpting. im also just so curious about how much more body hair im gonna grow. stomach hair that started near my pubic region is creating a tower and is climbing above my belly button now. theres some hair growing around my nipples and some on my feet. how much more will sprout up???

4: NEW YEAR

So, I finished college in December and this month I turn 29. I got some stuff to figure out, but I think I want to spend a significant amount of time in the next some years working on writing and art. I went to school for education, but I have been inspired to be brave and really push myself to go for my passions, which has been writing and art forever. Im gonna look into some masters degrees about art business and publishing. Might apply for that next year, who knows. We'll see just have to wait and see.

I'll be posting my new years resolutions/goals after this and maybe some more pics/videos and stuff. 😊😊😊

#trans #transition #transgender #nonbinary #enby #nonbinary man #top surgery #post op #transitioning #transition update #gender marker #hrt update #hrt testosterone #ftm hrt

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i-want-to-be-manhandled · 6 years

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more trans ramblings (tramblings?) - to T or not to T, that is the question

so i’m writing this so i have some thoughts to show my therapist next week instead of scouring my brain for them but im posting it on the internet instead of keeping it in a word document or some shit cause i need some of y’all to relate and i’m already way too personal on here anyways. and also at this point this is my personal blog too, i’ve given up entirely on keeping it just for video games. tl;dr: please tell me i am not the only one with stupid amounts of doubt going against the stupid amounts of evidence that i am very transgender.

tw: long post, doubts, testosterone/hrt effects discussed in detail, (don’t read this if you know me irl and haven’t personally talked with me about being trans? otherwise go ahead), nsfw cause we’re talking about genitals but mostly towards the end of the second to last paragraph (i’ll strike the nsfw stuff), mention of rape but no discussion of it happening, lemme know if i missed anything

so as my last transpost said im very excited for my hysto that im nowhere near getting but im flip-flopping as to whether or not i want to go on t. i know i can get it fairly quickly if i decide i do want it. there’s a trans health clinic in walking distance from where i am moving in 23 days, i have 3 therapists who will write me a letter of recommendation for testosterone, and my mother even found me the trans health clinic so she’ll try to find me somewhere else to go if they don’t take me in for some reason. (having a supportive mom is great i don’t miss her crying about how hard it is to have a trans kid in january and february.) and i’ve looked thoroughly at the effects of testosterone and have sorted them into pros, neutrals, and cons. (posting it here again mostly bc i need to do it but i also need some of yall to relate and/or validate me and/or answer my weird questions)

pros:

voice drop. im so tired of having a squeaky voice which is exacerbated by me always being anxious, and my sister has a deeper voice than me and always tries to sing ridiculously low parts to stretch it for some reason which makes me feel insecure. and apparently my voice is “always squeaky” according to my dad and like? shit man i pass until i talk that’s just the tea.

i dont even care if i have a super deep voice, i actually think i’d rather be a solid tenor because that’s the vocal range of most of my favorite songs, but i want to sound like a man when i talk and not an 8 year old girl

side note apparently a lot of trans guys have male “internal voices” but mine just sounds like how i sound when i talk because i’m a very literal person and that’s why it took me forever to figure out i was trans and not having a male internal voice makes me dysphoric sometimes and even doubt that i’m trans at all... that’s dumb af i know it’s just my literal personality type not me actually being a girl

more muscle. i dont work out as it is right now but if i knew i’d see results the way i want them then i probably would. also im getting ripped during the school year anyways bc i walk everywhere with a 15-20 pound backpack strapped to me so i’m at least gonna look semi muscular which is what i want anyways. please give me strength quite literally i can barely lift bro

bottom growth. ik it’s still not going to be ~enough~ or whatever but i’d have... something? that would be nice.

side note would packers start to be uncomfortable with something there bc i wonder about that sometimes. not that mine is super uncomfortable now or anything (i just haven’t figured out how to make it sit right) but i wonder about that

NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS NO PERIODS

if im one of those guys whose periods dont stop on t i am actually going to perform a hysto on myself

fat shifting from hips, thighs and butt to my stomach. i don’t care if i have stomach chub or not, but i DO care that my hips are Like That and my things are Really Girly and i have a fucking Girl Butt TM like please just let me Not Have These Problems

having a more angular face. doesn’t happen to everyone per se but because of my facial structure as it is and also what my dad looked like when he was my age, i probably will get this change. i have actively wished for this since i was 13 and didn’t even know dysphoria was a word. hopefully it makes my lips a little thinner too or at least more masculine.

veins becoming more prominent. i have this one pic of me where it looks like i have Guy Arms and i just wanna look like that all the time ya know

lookin like a dude and passing? that counts right

neutrals:

facial hair. i know a lot of trans guys want this but i’ve never wanted one. i just want a jawline to cut a bitch tbh i’m never having more than stubble except the beard imma wear to my high school reunion

body hair. this is more of a pro-neutral ig bc i want it on my arms and legs but would prefer not to have a lot on my chest and stomach. fortunately i dont think my dad has a whole lot but i’m a pretty hairy afab person as it is i just dont wanna be a werewolf lmao

hair loss at temples. i just don’t care about my hairline enough for this to really bother me. maybe i will when it happens but *shrug*

scents of sweat/bo/urine changing? idk i feel like it will be weird, maybe gross if it turns out bad but honestly i don’t really care what i smell like as long as i don’t smell like a dumpster fire? i shower it’s fine lmao

rougher skin? i dont know if i’d like having rougher skin but i also dont like being an uwu soft boi so

acne. nobody wants it but like... i already have stress-acne right now and don’t really give a shit because i hate how my face looks anyways. not that i want a fuckton of acne because nobody does but im not gonna cry myself to sleep over it ya feel? it’s an annoyance but not really a con

cons:

increase in sex drive. not to be nsfw but masturbating is a chore as it is. it hasn’t been fun since i realized i had crippling bottom dysphoria and even then i can’t get off unless i’m completely distracted from my body (either through porn or being too tired to care). also i have like a 2% chance of ever having a partner so i really dont wanna have to deal with having the sex drive of a 12 year old boy when im 19, single, depressed, and dysphoric. im not even asexual but this is the worst con

emotional changes. yall know at this point i dont have the best temper, and i dont want t to exacerbate that. now, some of my friends have said that t has made them much calmer and actually less irritable, but the rest of my friends said t makes them angry. i have poor anger management and i know it. i don’t need it made worse. it’ll fuck my life up for real

increase in appetite. listen i have gastritis, ibs and acid reflux i cannot afford to be needing to eat more than i currently do

so as yall can see i have a fair number of all 3: 8 pros, 6 neutrals, and 3 cons. and what’s more, all of the cons are things that don’t have anything to do with my appearance (which my therapist and i noticed during our session a couple weeks ago and really made me think i should go on t). so then the answer should be clear: i should go on t, right? deal with having a fucked high sex drive and be pissed off because of it but finally be able to see my reflection in the mirror. so it should be obvious. what the hell am i waiting for?

the main reason i’m hesitant is i’m afraid i’ll want to detransition. even though i KNOW it rarely happens and the women who do thought they were trans because of unaddressed traumas relating to being female or have a personality disorder. i have neither of those things: the only female-related trauma i have is being slut shamed by my mom for wearing tank tops and any shirt that wasn’t a crew neck and one guy saying he’d rape me in 9th grade because he thought rape and sex were the same thing (for his sake i hope he’s grown the fuck up!! i’m not traumatized from this i just made my teacher not let him sit next to me in class and told him to stop talking to me. sadly this is the most sexual attention i’ve ever gotten), and the only mental illnesses i have are depression and anxiety (unless we’re counting dysphoria, which i definitely have). i also sometimes feel like i discovered it too late: i didn’t say “i’m not a girl” until i was 14, refused to explore my gender until i was 17, and didn’t fully accept i was trans until i was 18. and other dumb shit: i never tried to pee standing up so im not really trans even though i didn’t know what a penis was until i was like 9, ive caught myself twice recently wishing for longer hair which made me feel feminine and gross and dysphoric (even though i know hair length =/= gender??), and im not in danger of suicide if i don’t get testosterone and top surgery RiGhT nOw. the prospect of me detransitioning isn’t likely, when you look at all the facts, but the prospect makes me anxious because everything makes me anxious. i am the poster boy for anxiety. and yes, i know i would have said that even when i accepted that i was technically the poster girl but i would have said poster boy anyways because it was “gender neutral” and didn’t rub me the wrong way like poster girl would have. same reason i insisted on being a dude instead of dudette and only described myself with words that didn’t have a female equivalent in french class even if it wasn’t true. so what the hell am i waiting for.

like i know i shouldn’t be doubting at this point because it’s so, so obvious that i’m trans. just because i didn’t try to pee standing up when i was little or ask why i didn’t have a penis doesn’t mean i’m not a guy. i logically know this. like when i was 11 and i insisted to myself i had a male brain but knew i shouldn’t say that out loud because that was weird and i wanted to be a normal girl who didn’t have a weird male brain, and when i was 7 and at my friend sarah’s house and her room was super pink and girly and i literally thought the sentence “is this what i’m supposed to be like?” and when i was 14 and cut my hair into the Typical Queer Girl Pixie Cut and my hair was just??? gone like i wanted it to be when i was 9 and ended up with a bowl cut instead, and instead of looking in the mirror and thinking i looked like an owl when i was 9 i smiled at how “androgynous” (masculine) i looked, and when i was 11 and only hung out with boys at summer camp and they treated me like one of them and the girls were really mean to me but it was the best summer i’d ever had, and when i was 15 and my friend chris joked that i was the “guy” in my lesbian relationship and i was so fucking happy, and when i was 15 and starving myself because i loved my “angular” figure and jaw, and when i was 16 and wearing a dress to winter formal because my ex met me in one and i wanted to be cute for him but i picked the dress that looked like a suit because it looked very “queer” (masculine), and when i was 14 and literally went “hmmm im gonna bind my chest just because i wanna know what it would look like” and it made me so euphoric and i knew in that instant i wasn’t a girl but repressed it for 3+ years because dealing with it would just be too hard, and when i was 11 and knew it was going to be my last day going to school without a bra on and just being so ashamed even though i wanted breasts so i’d be a normal girl, and when i was 16 and wearing that backwards snapback all the time and my friend said it was what tops did and i was so happy that nobody would consider me a bottom or whatever stupid shit because i couldn’t imagine myself being penetrated ever in my cisgender gay life, and when i was 16-17 and scouring the lesbian section of pornhub for pov/strap-on videos bc i wanted to know what it would look like to fuck a girl with a dick without watching straight porn because i’m 100% a gay female because the word lesbian is too girly im not a trans guy or anything haha, and when i was 14-and-onwards wondering why it felt so empty between my legs and why it felt like i was supposed to have a dick lmao im totally a girl though haha, and when i was 15 and had to google how to masturbate bc i couldn’t figure it out naturally and still felt like i was doing it wrong, and when i was 15 and looked at my vagina in the pocket mirror i got from selling like 30 boxes of girl scout cookies in 2007 and my first thought was “that is not my body,” and when i was 16 and actually very upset that i couldn’t ejaculate when i orgasmed. trans who? what the fucking hell am i waiting for

seriously. i was 7 and looking at my 2nd grade yearbook photo thinking “that doesn’t look like me,” and i was 13 and looking in the mirror saying “that doesn’t look like me,” and i went through all of my adolescence waiting for “puberty to turn me into a girl” and then i was 17 and done with puberty and crying because my body was still wrong. i can’t believe how hard i tried throughout my whole adolescence to be some facet of “normal girl” so i wouldn’t get bullied and be dateless forever and thinking “puberty hasn’t turned me into a girl yet” and not stopping to think about what i was if i wasn’t a girl until puberty was done, i realized it wasn’t going to happen, and it was too damn late for me. now i’m 19 and don’t leave the house without either a binder or a sports bra/baggy layers combo and i’d wear my packer everywhere if i could figure out how to get it to sit right (and also get it past my parents lmao). like if anyone else rattled off that list of trans shit i wouldn’t question them for a second. but because it’s me and i’m like “what if i’m transwashing my memories? what if i’m gaslighting myself?” i’m still not on testosterone and please validate me. tell me other trans people doubt themselves, no matter how obvious it is that they’re trans. tell me it’s okay to doubt hrt, even though you know it will be so much more likely to help you. tell me it’s okay to be afraid of detransitioning, even though it’s okay if i DO decide to detransition and it’s so unlikely anyways considering all the evidence of Me Not Being A Fucking Girl.

if you read this all the way to the end here’s an awkward hug and some brain bleach im not even drunk or high i can’t even blame substances for this behavior

#kieran screams into the void #to t or not to t #that is the question #i think i should go on t after rereading this post #but im still a lil skeptical bc of that anxiety ya know #also pls laugh your ass off at my dumb high school self #im here to provide the most quality entertainment #it took me 3 hours to type this

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mytwitteralt · 4 years

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documenting the journey

so what’s happened in the past month (i always try to meditate but i never want to stop listening to shit and i can write and listen to shit so writing = meditating, kinda!)

I met with a therapist at the end of january who was recommended as “one of the better wpath therapists” b/c the best i already know personally so that’s an ethical conflict for us all and the other best had a longer wait time so i went with this lady.

turns out she blows, but in a real passive way. like she said she “abhorred the gatekeeping of the system” but wanted to see me for 3 sessions, ask a bunch of shit that wasn’t necessary to the letter, blah blah blah. i didn’t think too much about it in session, but afterwards the longer i thought about it the more upset i got. ended up crying to my wife when she got home and i vented about what had happened.

emailed the therapist the next week to ask if we could just be done, if she had enough for the letter and she said she did, if i would fill out this form so she could reference some things while writing the letter. lots of shitty, invasive, non-required questions but i filled it out and sent it to her. i told her i wanted to condense our meetings to save time and money but ultimately it’s taking as long as if i just had 3 sessions. am saving $200 though, which is good.

my online trans fam was super supportive about it all which was really nice and validating. the therapist also alluded to having a doctor she works with seeing her trans clients to get them top surgery and hormones faster but in the email exchange we had about our next meeting, she played like she didn’t say anything about that? so i reiterated and she said she thought it’d be best for me to see my gp? my kneejerk is that it’s weird and passive aggressive, but idk.

i could probably reach out to my gp now to at least get an appointment ready for when i do have the letter, to get a hormone prescription and referral to a specialist for my final top surgery letter, buuuuut putting it off. hate talking to doctors. also we did have a family doctor assigned to us, but we just got a letter that effective immediately he’s no longer working at that practice? and we got assigned a new woman? sooooo...i mean the guy wasn’t like, super trans friendly (from what i could observe) but he seemed like he was accepting/supportive. now we have a whole new wildcard w/ this lady.

my partner suggested the whole time that i get on the wait list of the local pride health clinic just in case my assigned gp isn’t comfortable/down with prescribing hormones or being trans friendly, b/c the wait times there are bad so i was like “nah, i’ll just work w/ my gp” buuuuut now im like “shit that was a good idea, and im silly for not just doing that just in case.” we’ll fuckin see.

i’m going to the final therapy appointment next week, will get the combined letter for hormones and top surgery. then can get hormones prescribed from a doctor assuming i can find one to do it. then i need a g.p. to write a note to provide to provincial healthcare that they’ll take care of me before and after top surgery, and a referral from gp to a specialist, then a specialist to write a letter saying i should get top surgery.

i felt really confident about not starting hrt ‘til top surgery but now at the thought of top surgery taking that long...i think im just gonna start it. just fuckin fuck it. maybe i’ll try a binder too, i don’t fuckin care. let’s just get this all fuckin STARTED. if i feel like things aren’t going a direction i want, i can just stop it.

i think that’s everything! or that’s everything right now! i got super depressed last week and did jack shit and like, stopped showering, but i took a day off and just let myself relax and watched a bunch of ty tuner videos and while that’s kind of bad b/c i’ll never be that fit, but also he’s a pretty motivated dude so ... that helped a little bit, tbh. hence my last post, to just put a daily to-do list that i know, even when i feel depressed, these are working to making a positive medical transition experience. gonna write it on my whiteboard tonight, did all of ‘em today :triumph emoji:

i’d also like to create videos, since i never see fat, 30+ ftm transitions on youtube. also i do want a history so i can feel good about my progress. anyway i think i will, maybe unlisted vids. or private. but wont start ‘til before hrt starts, i think.

k that’s it!

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