#i cant see myself doing anything else and i mean that in the most comfortable and confident way possible

[marblerose-rue]

it is my birthday today!!!

#my art #not gonna tag this for much bc i am gonna use the tags to ramble ^_^ #it is currently 12:30 am and i turn 20 today and it is so weird #this is also a special fall for me because not only do i turn 20. my fursona turns 10 #like ive had her for ten years. for half of my life ive drawn and loved her and i got to watch not only her grow but myself grow through he #granted she wasnt made until nov 25 but still. she is very important to me. she will be as old as i was when i first drew her #SENTIMENTS ASIDE i am very happy and lucky and fortunate to be where i am now and to have such wonderful people in my life #BUT YEAH TO ANSWER THE HYPOTHETICAL QUESTION where would i be in ten years. i think id still be drawing #i cant see myself doing anything else and i mean that in the most comfortable and confident way possible #i am gonna call it a night though bc i am tired BAHAHA but who would i be if i didnt post at midnight on my birthday

[eirian]

yall ready for a gender journey post..

so yall could probably guess i grew up a cis girl. i didnt start questioning my gender until high school after i broke up with my first boyfriend which kind of freed me up to explore my identity as my own person for the first time. around age like 16 was when i first started identifying as trans, and at the time that meant a binary trans guy

after a couple years of getting comfortable exploring my gender i decided hey maybe im actually not a binary trans guy but instead nonbinary. still transmasc and guy leaning but not quite all the way anymore. this became a trend for the next loooong while, getting closer to the androgynous part of the spectrum as time went on

then in recent years (maybe about 5 years ago ish) i started to lean more towards femininity. this is significant for me because growing up i was always opposed to it--i hated wearing dresses, i hated putting on makeup, anything "girly" appalled me and i didnt know why. i ended up thinking its because i WASNT a girl, and thats why i was so uncomfortable with everything to do with being a girl. i rejected it so hard because it just wasnt me.

after living with eden for a while i got even more comfortable exploring the feminine part of myself. i started wearing dresses and skirts and actually ENJOYED it; i started painting my nails and wearing earrings again; i even grew my hair out to my shoulderblades (yeah thats where its at now LOL). ive even started using she/her alongside they/them. and im actually enjoying these things??? it feels like after all these years im finally able to reclaim them because i feel like im finally able to be comfortable with my gender--how my gender feels to ME, not to everyone else.

that was the problem when i was growing up--i was trapped in everyone else's perception of my gender and what it "should" be. i was trapped into a box that was made by everyone else's idea of what i SHOULD look like, what i SHOULD wear, what i SHOULD act like, etc. and it took me until age 26 to fully realize that my gender is what i want it to be, not what everyone else wants.

i dont have to be a guy to want facial hair and a flat chest and a low voice. loving pink and dresses and cute things and makeup and jewelry doesnt inherently mean im a girl. pronouns, features, clothes, even names dont inherently mean youre one gender or another. your gender is defined by you and only you and nobody should be able to put you into a box and define your gender for you.

..having said all this, im starting to explore my gender further, and im slowly coming to the POSSIBLE conclusion that i might come back around to being cis (albeit gnc). nothing would really change about me except the label tbh. if i do end up coming to that conclusion i will be very bummed about leaving the trans community, but i wont feel any less attached to it, as ive spent literally half my life as part of it. i understand what its like to be trans and to love myself as my most authentic self, and thats why im considering this possiblity!

identifying as a lesbian kind of pushed me in this direction as well--i cant remember the last time i felt truly comfortable and happy with a label regarding my orientation.. like ya damn. maybe i am a girl who likes girls LOL. it just feels right and natural for me personally??? its crazy. i love women. if youre a woman i love you no matter the flavor. i love my wife more than all of you though sorry <3

but god please dont take this as me being like "oh trans people just need to get comfortable with their gender and theyll realize theyre cis" that is a bullshit take and i am not saying that. this is strictly my own experience and journey! i am 100% not speaking for every trans person and you shouldnt either.

but ya. dan cis era???? we'll see. no official statement just yet but i just wanted to let yall know where im at in my ~gender journey~. until i confirm anything please still view me as a nonbinary girlthing! <3

#i have to reiterate i am KEEPING the name dan saiyan. and my facial hair and deep voice #like i said. these things do not mean anything irt my gender. they are just part of me #if i say im a cis woman and i have facial hair and the name dan then thats what cis looks like for me <3 #i honestly feel free as hell. im defining my gender for myself now and its the most powerful feeling in the world

[kasaneteto]

obviously been in my posting era for the past few months & ive been thinking about that and what it means for me so some thoughts on that

posting as much as i have been was sparked by having to end my most recent relationship due to the realization that we were codependent & it was making it hard for us to function effectively. finn was always my guy to ramble at but there would always be times that they didnt have anything to say in response so they would just be like “okay” and i would feel so annoying :( they were never annoyed (well not usually i cant say they were NEVER annoyed by me) but my mind always catastrophizes social interactions that leave me feeling self-conscious to mean “oh they hate you”

anyways. for a while i was kind of worried that my codependency habit has graduated from finn -> posting & while im not sure that ISNT the case… i do think the posting has been good for me. ive been journaling for a couple years now but it doesn’t help me in the same way as posting stuff like this. its harder to process thoughts when im just talking to myself vs writing something out thats meant to be for someone else to read. writing with the intent of it being for someone to see helps me process things so much easier, and that doesn’t really work when im writing it in a place nobody can see it. when i was a kid i would post deviantart journals in the same way. of course back then i was a neglected child who was just looking for validation in any form & where i got it most was the internet.

i think its the fact that ive been doing it ever since i was a kid that made me feel like making posts like these were juvenile in nature and something i should move on from. but since making an effort to be more true to myself & not let embarrassment or the fear of being judged get to me, ive found that i have the strong urge to make posts and that it brings me joy when i do! it really has helped me have a clearer understanding of the way i think/feel. plus tumblr rly does kinda feel like a home website. it helps that it hasn’t changed much and a lot of the userbase i was around in its heyday are still here. it feels like a comfortable place to scream into the void where im not worried about who’s potentially seeing this shit. & thats another thing - it has helped me feel less annoying in general!

im so used to feeling like my presence is inherently bothersome and that any self-assertion is going to make people wish i wasn’t there. this feeling extrnds to posting anywhere. but thats so fucking stupid!!!! if people dont like me or are that annoyed by me they dont have to fuckin look!!!!!! just unfollow me idfc!!!!! i feel good about the level of clarity i have in my life rn and posting long rambling introspective shit like this has been doing wonders in helping me keep myself grounded. so i will continue to do so. i will say though i sometimes wonder who all is reading this shit lmao. watch there be someone out there who’s just obsessed with my ass waiting on baited breath for my next post. if thats the case then get well soon bitch….im probably too unhinged for you to handle 💅

#txt

[tomystars]

dissecting episode 1

(under the microscope. im mostly dissecting jaewon hes so interesting to study as a queer person myself, smiles)

ignoring the very first clip which shows waves and someone grabbing someone else... a bit confusing i dont have many thoughts about this.

ANYWAY ! we first see jaewon sitting on a couch in a office perhaps? with an aquarium (we see this again on the intro of episode 2 and if you see the trailer theres a close up of his face on the same place as well) and a women sits down in front of him and asks him what his worries are. now i cant make much sense of her behaviour cause she suddenly starts laughing? but id think shes some sort of counselor. now this could be for 2 reasons: one. he just left the military after finishing his mandatory time and it might be a thing they do? or two some other reason we dont know most likely. TRAUMA shocking i know.

then we have the restaurant scene. we see jaewon talking with his friends but his face changes when his friends keeps talking about how jaewon has a great life and connections and money and everything he wants and i dont want to state the obvious but... thats clearly not the case which is why we can see jaewon upset with the conversation even though he doesnt say anything about it and even forgives his friend... his relationship with his parents is most likely not the best and we can see that by the messages his mom sends and the way we can just see him in front of his gate but not getting inside.

then. their first real scene. jaewon asks jihyun for a cigarette he goes and grabs TWO which surprises jaewon a little bit and makes him happier probably because thats different not a lot of people would do that. they talk but its very casual like and somehow jaewon mentions a "동생" and gets real quiet, as if something had happened with that person. now, its translated as "younger brother/sister" because thats the only english word that it can translate to EVEN THOUGH (and im saying this as someone with very limited korean language knowledge) its not the most correct one because its just a word that people use to call someone whos younger than them (yes siblings count lol). so is he talking about a younger sibling or someone else? who knows.

when his friends grab him to go home he leaves but he isnt expecting for jihyun to just grab his hand and give him a lighter (it was such an intimate scene as well, very queer coded) and THATS what caught jaewons attention. because at first he was just making conversation, but that small moment changed how the path of their futures (hope im not getting too philosophical), and he even stopped and looked as jihyun left.

fast foward next day, jihyun sees jaewon and goes afterhim but loses him and finds the poster for free bird instead (soulmatism i say). and its at this point i realize i havent spoken much abour jihyun so ill start now. we know hes a small town boy, isnt used to such a big city like seoul and is even confused with all this new stuff hes seeing. thats how jaewon and him are different. to me, jihyuns fear is based on unfamiliarity and the unknown, hes still getting to know all these new things that hes never known before and thats why he later mentions that thats the reason he signed up for the surf club. he doesnt really know how to swim but he wants to try and face this new challenge onwards. jaewons fear is more rooted on past experiences and trauma is my guess. he knows who he is but hes scared or hes scared of the result if he tries something. i think its going to start to get better the more he gets to know jihyun and the more he gets comfortable with him.

the cafeteria. jihyuns eating alone and jaewon is suddenly there and thanking him for the other day (he means it. that second cigarette probably was everything to him at that time) and starts to get a bit bold with him, and asking him why he didnt call and at this point there are so many jihyun reactions where you can just tell how this type of relationship is new to him but also how he wants to explore it and find out where it takes him.

we can see that when he meets jaewon again outside the restaurant and says "if we're going to be friends we need to know each others names" and jaewons truly gets a bit paralysed? confused? about it, he wasnt expecting jihyung to say something like that. tells him his name and leaves.

going a bit back, jaewon is at the same restaurant again. why? because he remembered that it was the restaurant jihyuns worked at and he convinced his friends to go inside with some excuse only to look for jihyun but... he wasnt there. things start to go downhill when his friends mention his ex who he wants to have nothing to do with and just wants to forget and one of them even invites her over! some friend he is... jaewon gets reasonably upset (ill talk about what i think happened with the break up on the ep2 essay bare with me), leaves and jihyun goes after him. in this scene i dont think jaewon is upset with him but it was a mixture of a lot of things, disappointment from not seeing jihyun when he was the reason he went to the restaurant in the first place, anger at his supposed friend inviting his ex who he doesnt like and thats why he says "i didnt see you earlier" with this really empty sort of expression.

and lastly, the very last scene. he sits with jihyun for two reasons: be away from his ex but also because he genuinely wants to continue whatever this relationship with jihyun is. it makes him happy and its different and GOOD something that he doesnt have a lot going around his life...

yea... thats it. my thoughts are all scattered but yea lets talk about it if u want i have so much to say still and i want to hear what everyone else is thinking and i also want to mention how much i love this already it was hook line sinker the first episode it. it just feels so raw and perfect and so queer coded to which is why i want to kind of gatekeep it from people who are just watching bc its u know... a bl (will i be persecuted like the witches used to by saying this... hm)

the playlist is so good as well been on repeat for hours

#the eighth sense #nyx speaks #heres an essay................ me when no one reads it 🛌

[di-girls-dem-sugar]

Going to be keeping it absolutely real on here as I always do when things get bad. I'm starting to think that it might not get better after all I can't lie. I'm just so sad and angry and mad and lonely all the time. I moved away from home two years ago and I can't hold on to any stable relationships and I'm basically all alone here and I feel like such an idiot for complaining about it because it's nobody's fault that I don't go anywhere and I am bad at talking to people or holding on to relationships. it's completely my fault and I know it's up to me to change it but I've never been good at making friends and that hasn't changed just because I'm not 16 or 11 or 5 years old anymore and I'm still not quite sure how to go about it.

It's been 2 years and Canada doesn't feel like a foreign place anymore .I know my way around and I know how to get stuff done and it has already set in that this is my life now and I guess this just means that my life now is just me by myself with everyone I know and love 1800 miles away.

And even then half the time it still feels like I don't have anyone because my sister hardly answers her phone and my other sister and I have literally only known each other for a month and I don't even know her middle name yet and my mom has got a new job and doesn't have time to call me like she used to and so I don't even feel like I have my mommy anymore and my best friend is already dealing with so much and I wish I could turn back time and bring her loved one back to life but I cant and I feel so empty thinking about how she must feel and I'm not comfortable with anybody else so other than those people.

I'm a year away from graduating with a degree in a field that I hate and I can't find any internships or working experience because everything is so experience based and I am so bad at all this stuff and my grades are so mediocre and I don't have anything that makes me stand out and at this point I'm worried that I won't even be good enough for grad school. When I find a part of this wretched degree that I actually like I cannot seem to do well in it despite the fact that I actually care enough to study and do work in it and it's just so demotivating. And even if I do somehow manage to get a job I'm never going to be able to afford a house and I want to have a house so bad I don't like renting I want to have a backyard and I want my own kitchen and I want to decorate my house the way I feel like when I feel like it but everything is so expensive and I hate my shitty customer service job because I hate talking to people and I don't want to stand for 6 hours and fake smile and listen to the same songs play over and over again for 6 hours anymore but I can't leave my job because no one else is hiring me.

And I have to keep pretending like everything is okay when every time I turn on my phone and go out to social media I see something else indicating that we are witnessing the decline of man as we know it and there's kids dying in so many places all over the world and people getting their homes destroyed and no matter how much I try and raise awareness and no matter how much money I give and how much I talk about it there's really nothing changing and I go outside and somebody asks me for spare change to buy a coffee so they don't freeze in the below zero weather and I wish I could put them in a house but I don't even have a house of my own. And I used to be able to look around and find even the beauty in the smallest things and to not think the worst of people and to give everyone the benefit of the doubt for the most part but now I can't help but wonder if this person thinks genocide and exploitation and mindless killing and destruction is a good thing. And I hardly see anybody talking about Sudan or Congo or Senegal or Haiti or Madagascar and it feels like african people are just always doomed to be pushed to the back burner even by black people in the diaspora and I try to be positive because if the people in those countries haven't given up hope why should I but sometimes I just get so sad.

And despite going to therapy and going on meds I still look in the mirror and hate myself and I remember that my problems are so paltry and poor compared to what's going on in the rest of the world and that I feel worse because it doesn't make me hate how I look or who I am less and the world just won't stop turning and we never get a break we just have to keep going until we die no matter how bad things get and it's not fair and I'm so tired I just need it all to stop for a second. Looking at my life feels like reading the bell jar knowing that sylvia plath wrote a book about a depressed woman and ended up killing herself. I feel doomed

#shut up kayla #diary entry

[yuukei-yikes]

Tell us about Shinaya’s breakup :D

HEHDJEIDNEKFJEKDKEK ive had this ask since i posted i was thinking abt it MAN i cannot express to u i just. I WANNA WRITE A FIC SO BAD but AUGH im so bad at it it makes me cringe i cant do that but its basically like all my damn posts together u know. i keep thinking of shintaro's disastrous relationships post str going from ayano to kano to takane etcetc sorry im playing with him like a stress toy making him go thru hell but its so fun

srry i dont wanna have to rewrite a lot of stuff so erm im liking this answer 🫡🫡🫡 and i could link a bunch more just so u SEE MY VISION... but i think linking that is enough. ON AND OFF SHINAYA MY BELOVED

shintaro and ayano sort of having this ridiculous relationship because both are hurting and jumped in a relationship too quick but fighting/being sad about stupid shit is so much easier than dealing with their actual issues that they've got with themselves. like focusing on each other and what they don't like about each other and their relationship is so much easier than crying about how suicidal they are. lollllll SO LIKE this insanity sort of saves them at the same time??

i mean the most ideal would be that instead of getting together they got therapy and the normal kind not the relationship kind. you know. but also theyre traumatized and ugh. its so much easier to resent each other than themselves. its so much easier to be petty. its such a relief to cry over relationship problems than over timeline resets or dead parents and etc. YOU GET ME?????

they keep breaking up and getting back together ridiculously like it is 1000% so dramatic each and everytime. ayano crying her eyes out like its the end of the world and shintaro making 100 sad playlists. and it happens at least monthly. the first time everyone's like WHOA THEY BROKE UP!?!? SHIT!! the second time its like heyyy maybe they'll work it out like last time!! third time its like are you joking. fourth time they're already begging them to stop. by they i mean the dan but especially takane by the way. who do you think is picking up the pieces.

and by the way the one breaking up all the time and being dramatic as hell is shintaro. he gets angry and annoyed and weaponizes the LETS BREAK UP thing because he DOESNT MEAN IT. like he knows he and ayano will work it out later. he gets comfortable again. not to get on the ayano surviving thing, but i think ayano (and hiyori but especially ayano) making it out alive undoes a big part of the message abt moving on. like i love her so im not complaining thats i love having her alive :3 but i like to translate this into shintaro like. he's intensely trying to repress/process all the memories of the other timelines to cope and have a normal life and ends up being this way because he's sort of self sabotaging himself. like ayano's alive and she likes me??? lol. ok?? ill wake up any moment now!! and he feels guilty and undeserving and is sort of a dickhead to her in an unconscious attempt of keeping her away because that's what he deserves according to him. also why he's accepting of takane's intense obsession with him lol bc she's familiar and she is comfortable, unlike ayano who is so rare and one in its kind in all the timelines. he is sort of terrified of her in a way.

the lets break up isnt rly a breakup. its just a leave me alone see u later. LOL i think we talk too much abt kanoshin bringing the worst in each other but what about shinaya. they do that too. yeah we CAN have fluffy shinaya. but like i said it is so easy to focus all this bitterness and sadness into each other and it's so relieving to be sad and angry about this rather than everything else. because this is sort of in their control while everything else isn't, wasn't. and its so unfair. of course its unfair!! but they cant do anything abt it. so they just go crazy on each other. ayano is DESPERATE to be needed. i could link more replies but i will hold myself back. basically her siblings are used to being alone/know she has her own problems and ayano is dealing with this emptiness and feeling of failure bc no one needs her, from her perspective her sacrifice still failed to save everyone, her parents are gone so she needs to step up. like she puts herself under all this pressure and feels Not Good Enough for ANYTHING. and she is dating shintaro.

it's EASY to bother him and try to get him to open up and etc so she ridiculously focuses on that. but it gets on shintaro's nerves to say the least LOL plus all his other issues i mentioned 🫡plus she keeps being like we have to be normal. lets kiss and hold hands and cuddle. but she's too embarrassed to say it/do it and shintaro is even more pathetic about it. so theyre both frustrated about everything and can barely even sit next to each other without acting insane.

AND SORRY BUT I WILL TALK ABT TAKANE🫡💞💗💖💝💕💘ofc. codependent shintaka. of course. it drives ayano CRAZY because on top of all their problems takane is able to talk sense into shintaro each and every single time. and she is soooo jealous like she knows its stupid but she cant help ittt i ALSO TALKED ABT THIS SORRY I KEEP REPEATING MYSELF IM JUST SO CRzy abt it. hehe......the whole mess bringing drama to harutaka too bc shintaro and ayano are so messy theyre contagious is so fun to me. when it comes to shintaro and takane's horrible relationship both their romantic relationships suffer for it but deal with it completely differently. while both haruka and ayano deal with jealousy somewhat, ayano is so hurt and already at the verge of a mental breakdown so she's focusing so many negative emotions on it and AGAIN it just serves as another point of argument between shintaro and ayano while haruka is like. his mental state isnt as convoluted as ayanos, he's rather freaking out and terrified of being left alone. THIS IS ABT SHINAYA so i wont get into harutaka side but lol. heh. Looks at it. zooms in it. like what i mean is that haruka and takane talk and work through it and are like sighs yeah...this is messed up while shintaro and ayano are using it against each other instead of working on it LMAO

ANYWAYS. ayano breaks up with shintaro. vine boom. total breakdown moment like everyone out of the room i wanna talk to you alone. and this time its for REAL. like ayano isnt confrontational at all, all their arguments are always her being pushy abt idk mental health and shintaro's like godddd STOPPPPP and ayano crying and shintaro being like I CANNOT DEAL WITH THAT. IM SORRY I GUESS. CAN U GET OUT OF THE ROOM. WE'LL TALK LATER. but he also sucks so bad at letting the other person know they can count on him so he kind of assumes ayano will do it when she's ready because he KNOWS she's in pain. like. ofc it could go well. ofc shintaro and ayano could work through everything with kindness and comprehension for each other but they're both so sad and suddenly find themselves annoyed at each other one time and it felt so freeing to do that that they just keep doing it. especially shintaro. having ayano be mad at him is sort of relieving because he feels undeserving of her and its like yeah. Yeah!! i know its ooc but shinaya screaming match.god. sorry but all their bottled up emotions abt everything and they take it out on each other for no reason other than theyre giving each other the space and it plays out that way. theyre acting crazy about something so stupid like shintaro not wanting ayano to wear his clothes or whatever. like they scream about that but its not about that. it just feels so good to scream. it feels so good to scream and let it out even if they haven't given themselves the time to process that theyre not... actually screaming abt that at all. theyre screaming about everything else. not even about each other. its about themselves. its always been.its never been about each other. when it is, its stupid. thats why they do it. its just easier. God. they were just not ready for a relationship, especially not one with each other out of all people.

ayano breaks first, therefore dumps shintaro lol. he goes thru his own fucked up arc afterwards while ayano gets help. my man spirals DOWN. whether they get back together or not depends on my mood 🤨 but if they do, its by the time theyre in their mid twenties or something so a few years later LOL i picture them dating like for over a year maybe?? when theyre 18/19. hehe.

like. do you get it.

#ask tag #headcanons #HEH... #ayashin divorce

[littleoddwriter]

i cant not take advantage of your open requests + ofmd brain rot sorry <3 i love your works and i cant wait to read more, especially about these characters!! might i request stede x male (trans, if you want to!) reader in a soft cutesy relationship, maybe stede comforting the reader about their anxiety? thank you in any way, you're doing gods work, love you and youre work <3

With You | Stede Bonnet x Male!Reader

Hello there!!! No apology necessary, I appreciate it! Thank you SO much, gosh, that really means a lot to me, I'm--- <3 <3 <3 Ok, sooo, due to the anxiety portion, this may not be super cute or whatever after all, but I tried, sorry! Hope you like it anyway, thanks for the request and everything else, thank you so much!!! Love you, too! <3 :D <3 Take care! :')

summary; You're having a panic attack and Stede helps you out.

notes; Male!Reader; Anxiety; Panic Attack; Comfort; Fluff.

When Stede had left to become a pirate, you had gone with him, no questions asked, no second thoughts attached. You had always loved him and could never live without him, and so when he had asked if you wanted to come with him, you couldn’t have agreed any faster. 

Since he had finally been free in the sense that his family life wasn’t looming over him anymore, it had just barely taken any time for you two to get together. Your first kiss had been magical to say the least. Nothing had ever felt so right in your life.

Your relationship wasn’t a secret among the crew, nor was it a problem. Neither of you ever wanted to return back to Bridgetown. 

Now, the only issue you had was that being on a ship on the open sea in potentially life-threatening situations every single day only made things worse for you, in terms of this anxiety you’ve been feeling for virtually no reason since forever. You had hoped that maybe it was the confines of life at home and the expectations you couldn’t meet that caused it; but now that you were on sea and free of those, you guessed that the underlying issue was a different one. 

You weren’t always sure what triggered it, either.

One moment everything was fine and the next you were cowering on the bed in your room that you shared with Stede, like you were right now. You were breathing quickly and shallowly, while your heart was about to beat out of your chest and your vision was blurry and spotty. Your body felt hot and cold at the same time. Your palms were sweaty. It was a living nightmare.

“Y/N? I was just talking to myself on deck, thinking you were next to me. Turns out, you were h- Hey. What’s wrong?” Stede’s voice cut through this fog your anxiety had created. 

Shaking your head, you looked up at him. You couldn’t say anything. Your throat was closed tight. You felt like you couldn’t breathe. Oh, God, you couldn’t breathe!

Stede sat down on the edge of the bed, putting his hands on your shoulders, as he made eye contact with you. His gaze was kind, understanding and so gentle. Always so gentle. He was right to call himself the Gentleman Pirate. He truly was a gentleman, after all.

“You have to breathe. I know you can do it,” he said softly and inhaled deeply before exhaling slowly, “See? Like this.” He repeated the deep breathing for you. 

After a few moments that you panicked some more because the air you took in wouldn’t go past your throat, it seemed, you were finally able to take a deep breath. You exhaled shakily and did it again. A tear slipped out when you closed your eyes in relief and continued breathing in time with Stede.

His hands were stroking your upper arms and shoulders soothingly, massaging them lightly. “Y/N, What happened?” he asked worriedly, and when you opened your eyes again his expression certainly matched his tone of voice.

You felt stupid for worrying him. You had no idea what happened. Everything was fine. Until-

“A big wave shook the boat and caught me off guard. And then I just- I must’ve started panicking, I suppose. It’s stupid,” you explained what most likely caused it. 

“No, no, no, that’s not stupid,” Stede said, looking offended on your behalf, which put a small, short-lived smile on your lips. He was so cute.

“Stede, we’re on a ship on the open sea. It is stupid that a simple wave made me panic like this,” you told him flatly, shaking your head at yourself with a scoff, “I shouldn’t be here and you know it.”

“You’re exactly where you’re supposed to be,” he responded firmly, almost instantly, “With me. On our ship. With our crew. I know that you’ve always had this problem with anxiety and panicking, but I’ll keep you safe. I promised, remember?”

For a moment you just looked at Stede in wonder. He did promise you that when you first boarded the Revenge. And you never doubted that he would keep it. 

“Thank you,” you whispered, “I love you, Stede.”

You could hear his breath stutter, as his eyes widened. He still wasn’t used to hearing you say that, you knew. And every time you revelled in his reaction. It had taken him quite a while to actually realise what his feelings for you were. But once he did, it all became a lot easier for you both. Stede was happier and it seemed like a weight was lifted off his shoulders. It certainly was the same for you. Even if he had never loved you back, you were always at your happiest with him and that would have never changed; but the uncertainty had put a considerable weight on you at first.

“And I love you,” he said ever so softly before he leaned in to press a short, chaste kiss to your lips. Your heart skipped a beat, swelling with your love for him inside your chest, filling you with warmth.

A genuine smile finally spread across your face when you parted and Stede mirrored you. Both of you let out a soft chuckle at seeing each other grin like that, all teeth and happiness.

It was almost unbelievable to you that you’d felt short of dying only minutes ago; but that was the magic of Stede, you thought. No matter what, he always made you feel better. He made you smile when you thought you couldn’t. He made you feel all these wonderful things that you had never expected to. He made it seem like time stopped when you were with him, never wanting it to continue. It was such a gift that you sometimes wished people would see that he had, but it was only for you to know it.

Never once did you have to question whether or not coming aboard the Revenge was the right decision; even when, in your moments of weakness, you were convinced that you were not supposed to be there, you didn’t actually regret a thing. Stede was right, after all, he kept you safe and you belonged with him on the ship. With him. Always with him, no matter where or what.

#i hope i got stede right enough fhjksfhkshd ugh i'm nervous writing him for the first time ahhh #male reader #trans male reader #can be either #stede bonnet #stede bonnet ofmd #the gentleman pirate #stede bonnet x reader #rhys darby #our flag means death #ofmd #ofmd fanfic #ofmd fic

[angelicyouth]

bro i just realized that most of my happinest comes from imagining myself in fictional scenarios with fictional characters because in the real world i dont really have anyone i feel i can truly trust, so really at this point one of my only sources of happiness is just being somewhat delusional thinking fictional people care about me when in reality i dont know if anyone will truly even care about me in that extent, i dont even think i could even love myself the way i want people to love me because i just see myself as a generally displeasing person to be around because im too much too bear or too confusing or too angry and people dont wanna put up with me and ive just been realizng that for the past months and it makes me wish i was someone else who could be better than whoever i am, i dont even know at this point who i really am and i wish i was better and funnier and not someone who is the embodiment of a dissapointment.i cant even bring myself to talk about my problems to people irl no matter how much id like to because im too scared to be a burden or just seem overexaggrerating so its eating me from the inside and i cant bring myself to be someone i want to be, all i do is just stay in my room all day because i dont have the energy to do anything anymore. thing that i used to like dont seem the same anymore and i just wanna be held by someone and to be told that its okay to not be okay but if someone actually did it would feel like just a big lie because i dont have that much of an excuse to not be okay so really im putting down other people's problems and looking for attention and i feel so guilty for even feeling this way but at the same time i dont wanna let go of these feelings because it feels like if i have them people will actually care about me and ill have someone by my side and if i dont feel sad then nobody would have any reason to pity me and nobody would really wanna hangout with me anymore and it feels so comflicting and it makes me wanna shut myself away from everyone and continue to pretend everything is okay even if nothing feels okay. i wish i was someone else, maybe then nothing like this would happen.

that one relatable moment where you have nobody 2 vent 2 so you vent as an anon 2 a random blog ran by the literal nicest person ever

-mango anon

mango bby :(

first of all—i’m proud of you for being honest with your feelings! i’m sure it took a lot of courage to come forward and to talk about this with someone else so please give yourself some self care in my place for taking that monumental step!

i know that it may not mean much if i say this because of how overused this line is but truly, don’t ever feel bad about what you’re feeling. always remember that the need for attention is normal and common to all humans. it’s not only limited to that but the need for comfort is also normal and common, the need for physical touch is normal, the need for validation, for acknowledgment, for a positive reaction to yourself, a need to express yourself, to talk about yourself, to voice your pain, to feel valued and important—it’s all normal and a part of just being a human being.

so please, don’t beat yourself up over having those. if you’re struggling with some of them particularly, it doesn’t mean you’re “needy”. anyone who doesn’t get those things would go to deprivation mode and end up craving them severely, eventually. those needs should be met at default and as your friend, i always want to ensure that i can readily provide those for you! so don’t feel ashamed for voicing those thoughts to me because i appreciate that you trust me enough to tell me as i genuinely want to help you. i know i may seem like a random blog run by someone you don’t know from the internet but that doesn’t mean my friendship for you is less valid. so please, if you ever need to talk to someone or just need me to listen then always remember that i’m here for you. because how else would i know what to help you with if it’s not said?

and i know that you feel delusional for seeking comfort from fictional characters but that’s simply not true. because personally, through my own writing, what these people say or do are essentially extensions of the authors who use them in their literature. so whenever craig and kenny talk to reader in youth, they’re not just baseless things that are said just cause for the plot. they’re actual words with real meaning and intent to whoever is reading their dialogue. so with that in mind, what they both have said is their words of affirmation and reassurance to you:

feelings aren’t illogical. they aren’t wrong nor are they here for no reason. they aren’t a failure of self control, they aren’t a burden, and they are not an inconvenience. emotions are generated from actual things that happened, they are normal reactions to things that actually happened!! if you feel sad, anxious, hurt, overwhelmed, mad, frustrated—even if it seems illogical, there’s a very good reason you feel this way. you aren’t supposed to control how you feel, you aren’t supposed to doubt your emotions. they are always just a reaction, they do not come from you!! they’re not your failure, feeling all this is normal and logical under unbearable circumstances of anything that’s happened.

i hope you will be kinder to yourself babe, you deserve it :< it makes me so, so upset when you can’t see how amazing you are in my eyes and i bet everyone else’s just because of some mistakes you made along the way or any ill feelings you harbor for yourself. i really wish you didn’t beat yourself up so much over them, those mistakes or whatever negative things that have happened don’t define you.

and remember: you’re not stuck the way you are now. every day you have the potential to grow and to learn, and you do grow and learn, all the time! it may not feel like it because it’s so subtle, but you do. the universe won’t let you get stuck, there is so much more to discover and i’ll always be here with you along the way! it’s inevitable to make mistakes, it’s human nature and wouldn’t make sense to be perfect on the get-go. no one is like that. just remember, progress can’t be compared. progress is still progress and slow + steady will still win the race! as long as you’re not changing yourself to cater to someone else’s needs or society’s standards then i will always support your desire to strive for the best version of yourself!!♡

#asksforlala #i love you mango!! #you got this!!♡ #mango anon ♡

[my-gf-is-kazuichi-soda]

The Kazuichi and Papyrus au I have is not just a wacky idea btw. It came to me when I realized that they are both autistic characters misrepresented by their fandoms for their autistic traits.

*btw if you're knew here, I headcanon Kazuichi as a trans girl and use she/her pronouns for the character. You'll have to get used to it.

*also, before it gets pointed out to me, Kazuichi is "canonically a 'stalker' " (in a loose sense of the word, she's a kid who has followed and spied on another kid she had a crush on during a school trip), but many other characters in Danganronpa are also stalkers and are more easily forgiven/forgotten by the fandom, including every Danganronpa protagonist. Autistic people, especially KIDS, can have trouble understanding boundaries, and nobody in the game actually approaches Kazuichi about this and tells her it's wrong, they just insult or make fun of her for being a weirdo. If an autistic person needs to be #cancelled for making neurotypicals uncomfortable, then...that cancels most autistic people, including myself. Autistic people deserve a chance to learn from their mistakes. And yes Kazuichi was also unfairly mean at times. Like I said she was on edge and scared all the time. It is not an excuse but it didnt warrant the harsh fandom treatment.

---

Kazuichi is an autistic person who's reaching her fucking limit. She has to perform hypermasculine behavior to keep herself safe, she tries to be a cool fun extroverted guy but her act is always falling apart, she has constant meltdowns, she is mean sometimes to get people to back off and stop hurting her, she is visibly frustrated that people dont appreciate her hard work and just see her as a weirdo. She publicly and vocally expresses how lonely she is and how much she wants people to like her. And thus she is villainized for her worst moments. And called an asshole. And an idiot. And a manchild. And pathetic for her loneliness and unrequited crush. And people assume malicious intent from everything she does. They call her a creep. They call her a freak. Have I mentioned that she's a kid? Because she is a kid! Parts of the fandom say they want to bully her. She gets fanart (that is NOT meant to be sympathetic) where she is openly excluded from her friendgroup, on the sidelines looking sad while they have fun without her, or her friends say the most horrible shit to her and gang up on her to kick her while she's on the floor crying. No this is not missing context, this fanart never has context of her doing *anything* to provoke this treatment, aside from sometimes asking her unrequited crush on a date, and yes it almost always is her asking her crush in a more innocent way than the games did, only to have their reaction be uncharacteristically cruel (I swear I could make a post about how Sonia gets mischaracterized and villainized this way while the fandom ironically thinks they are giving Sonia "girl power", barf).

Papyrus is an autistic person who puts on a similar, cool guy act, though is way better at it because he is not at his fucking limit. Even if he is depressed like everyone else from being underground, he is in a calm peaceful town where people mostly leave him alone and he is allowed to express his weird interests and be silly. He is not on guard all the time like Kazuichi. He feels comfortable and safe but still very lonely, but even when he vocalizes this loneliness he puts on an optimistic attitude, so it gets ignored or put in a superficial light. He makes himself and everyone else feel better with his optimism, but that optimism, combined with his weird behavior, makes some people think he is clueless. They call him silly. And an idiot. And a manchild. They think he cant take care of himself. They assume he is silly and dumb in everything he does. They ignore the moments that dont fit their narrow view of him as an always-happy, doesnt-know-what-sadness-is ignorant manchild. Parts of the fandom act like his overly-controlling parents. They dont let him swear or know what sex is or defend himself in a fight or do anything that an adult is capable of.

The way Kazuichi is treated is often how autistic people get treated when they are visibly frustrated, have meltdowns, make social blunders that hurt others, and make people uncomfortable. The way Papyrus is treated is often how autistic people get treated when they feel safer to be themselves, when they are fun for others to be around, when they make social blunders that make others laugh + dont hurt other people or make them uncomfortable, when they hide and downplay their loneliness and frustrations. And most autistic people have been both of them at some points in their life.

But the takeaway from this is that the treatment you deserve should not depend on how well you can hide your frustrations, how well you can handle social situations, mask your weirdness, how you appear to others, how you appease neurotypicals. Kazuichi deserves to be able to reach a safe feeling and be able to drop her guard and she deserves to be able to have her accomplishments recognized and be appreciated not just for how hard she works but for how sweet she is, because she is a really nice person when she's not spending her energy defending herself against bullies. She deserves to have friends and a partner or partners that love her back instead of being doomed by the narrative to chase people who dont understand or care about her. And she is NOT stupid, she is judged by the wrong standards. Papyrus deserves to be taken seriously and to get in the royal guard (or another respectable title for monsters if the royal guard is dismantled), he deserves to be taken seriously as an adult even when he's weird and silly, he deserves to reach a point where he doesnt have to act optimistic about the future because it's already gotten better. And he's not stupid either.

#negative #kazuichi soda #kazuichi souda #papyrus #undertale #actually autistic #danganronpa 2 #sdr2 #wow I went off a few weeks ago and then forgot about it #rant #long post #the characters are not canonically autistic. actually autistic tag is bc I am irl autistic

[groupwest]

i want help.. but i cant ask for help… i have to be big and do things on my own… but i need help… i need help i need help….. i do wish i had a partner who could help me… my friends.. cant… they are all too dependent like me… i’m the one always offering help to them… sometimes they will help me with big things like moving house but its the little things that i need support in… i have a social worker but he doesnt offer the kind of help that i need… UAAAARGH i want my mother. and i want her to be different and to help me. i wish she’d continued to smother me like when i was little… it hurt so bad when she detached that codependency… its a good thing but i never really learned how to do things on my own…… its not fair. i want my old life back why is it so hard to be here. i feel so alone and it all feels so wrong and it feels like there should be an answer or a solution but i cant see it and everything feels so wrong and i cant move and feel my body like i used to it feels so heavy and wrong and i cant see it i cant feel it it feels so wrong i’m so detached i thought i missed the delusions but i can feel them coming and it feels so wrong… fuck this isnt going to work is it i cant live here. i want to fix this so bad i want to be a real person. nothing comforts me anymore. only maybe my phone. which sucks so bad and is why i cant get anything done. i wanted to puke and cut myself so bad last night for the first time in a long time, i mean sometimes i get those feelings but it was really strong. maybe its a good thing. ive been more impulsive lately and maybe its a good thing. feels like when you start taking meds and finally have the enwrgy to try and kill uourself. i feel so broken though and like i cant move. i wish i had my room again. my soul is fucking disintegrating without four walls to keep it contained. i didn’t realise i was so depressed i guess it caught up with me. i guess this is just one single moment in time and these feelings dont have to be permanent at all i can let them go. i can let them go i can let them go i can let them go. i managedto soothe myself yesterday… but then we had to go out and it was horrible i almost could have had a meltdown in public which NEVER never ever happens. maybe its a good thing too. i think ive been masking less lately. it doesnt feel good though. feels horriblw and embarrassing to be myself. this self. it seems so weak and so tiny and so stupid. i want to live alone. i want help. i hate myself for these contradictions. why have i been the same for so long. why did i let it all go one like i had no power over it. when i always did. it makes me really angry to think how easy it has been to almost give up smoking this past week. its been several years of sameness. will it be this easy when everything else suddenly changes as well ? have i always held the power to do so ? why’d i have to ruin my teenage years like this then ? it feels horrible. it feels cruel. why cant i make better choices for myself why cant i take my life i to my own hands. ?!! its horrible. i wish i was anyone else. i feel so close to understanding everything i need to to make the most of life but i just hold myself back every single step of the way. i hate my family for letting me be like this. they had so much more than me. now they don’t even appreciate it. they just teach me all the wrong things and enable my neurosis. i dont know. thats cruel to say. but its how i feel. i want help but ill never let anyone in becuz i cant make anyone understand me. i know its all my fault. i just don’t know how to fix it. i wish i was anyone else. i want to crawl up into the inside of my own brain and die. like a sick old cat. all alone.

#no one should read this (youre allowed it just is awful) i just need to post it for some reason its not good enough just saving to my drafts #i need this shit out of my head and into tje air #self harm #emeto #sorry let me know if this needs more tags

[drzone]

rank your top five favorite cars characters. be brutally honest <3

OOOOH This is hard.

I think…

1. Cruz

2. Sarge

3. Francesco

4. Mcqueen

5. Doc

more blabbering on under the cut : )

I cant believe Fillmore isn’t on this list, he’s in #6 spot… I think Francesco and Sarge are interchangeable to me, but in this case I went second for Sarge just because he’s been a comfort character longer than Fran.

In my heart, I want to put Doc higher, but as much as I love him I just never got to see enough of him! He’s very good, but I never got to latching on.

Mcqueen is an easy choice, I think four is a good place for him.. I am so fond of him, higher than Doc mostly for screentime, lower than Fran and Sarge because Im Gay.

Fran in third because I really quite adore him. I’m not very fond of most of mcqueens rivals, both main and short-term… I like that Francesco doesn’t cheat or find loopholes or be mean, hes just got an ego the size of Venus & likes racing & is a mama’s boy. What’s not to like, Truly…

Sarge in second because I can never have enough repressed veteran old men in my artillery, evidently. (I mean really! The amount of these guys I have as comfort characters!). I’ve always really liked stern characters, so he kind of just fits right in. Even w/ limited screen time I just think he’s kind of sweet & maybe a little bit ridiculous.

Cruz is an EASY #1 for me, holy shit, I love Cars 3 SO MUCH. The parallels between her, doc, & mcqueen, the big fight, getting her big chance and being reluctant to take it, just like?? Accepting her circumstances because she thinks she can’t do anything? And she really… Can’t. At least not until Mcqueen is able to give her the chance. Shes a great racer, clearly passionate, but too scared to give it a shot. I think it can be read in lots of ways, she might feel like that because shes a woman or because of any other number of things. But I feel like that a lot! About lots of things! So it’s just cool to see her.. Win. And not immediately, either, and not even willingly at first. I really cant express how much Cars 3 means to me, and I know I like to call it mcqueens mid life crisis, but the movie isnt really… About him, to me. Hes a main character and he serves his role absolutely but Cruz is the star of the show. And thats perfect! Because thats what mcqueen is coming to accept! He needed to pass the baton, so to speak! I really love cruz so much. im repeating myself but idk just… In a world where Im limited from lots of things because of my own mental stops + other stuff, cruz makes me feel alright about it! Anyways.

So then theres Everybody Else. Ill be real, I could never care as much about the spies or the wgp racers or the piston cup racers or anything like that as much as I wanted to. I do, though, Really Love the radiator springs townies. Theyre just real sweet, I think. Fillmore places sixth, im biased there and Ill admit it. Then in order i think its something like Flo & Ramone, Sally, Luigi & Guido, Red, & then the rest. I dont have much else to say there! Cars makes my heart happy, so I dont actually Hate any characters except for the villains of Cars 2. But i just dont like cars 2, so not much to say there.

#cars #asks #IM NORMAL!

[gentil-minou]

Hello! I’ve loved your ml psychology analyses, and I was wondering if you’d being to answer a question of mine! I’ve been thinking on whether or not I want to study psychology and be a counselor, as I love to figure out how people (fictional characters for the most part lol) end up the way they do, and what is influencing their choices. I also really like to help other people who are struggling and try to give them as much support as possible because I’ve also struggled in the past, and I thought that maybe analysis and Listening skills would indicate that I might like the career, but I’m still unsure. Sorry for the rambling, but I guess I was just wondering what made you want to work in mental health and did you find your initial idea of what psychology is vs what you learned in school to be jarring? Sorry to bug, but I thought hearing what someone who’s work I look up fo would think!

ahhhh i always love questions like this because this field is, in my humble and completely unbiased opinion, one of the most important out there, and so i just love when folks are interested! especially because it's such a rewarding career even with all its difficulty!

Read more cause i rambled too much what a shock hfdjsd

my own path towards becoming a therapist is a bit of a weird one because i didn't actually take any psych classes until I was getting my masters in it shjdjkdfs (I was originally in STEM sciences).

becoming a therapist kind of happened by fortuitous happenstance: i was a teacher and found i had an especially great talent for getting kids to open up and talk about themselves and their worries. i'm also very neurodivergent and have my own complicated healing history, and once i got better i realized i really didn't want kids to go through what i went through growing up. it feels a bit selfish but in the best way, because by helping kids out i can make up for the time i spent suffering. it makes me feel good, i guess if that makes sense djkfhds

anyways, my rambling aside i think there are a couple main takeaways that i hope people going into this field can be prepared for so!

practice!!!!!!!!!!! like seriously this is one field where i think the best practice is by doing.

therapy is kinda like dating, in that sometimes you won't click with your client and they might ask to see someone else. it might not be anything personal or it might be, maybe wrong gender or ethnicity or orientation, or they just don't like your vibes. it will be okay, and it doesn't mean anything about you. when that happens i usually focus on the clients i have clicked really well with and remind myself that the client who is leaving is looking to get the best support possible, and it helps

dont trust the movies, it's way more complicated than just asking how someone feels. a lot of times people don't know how they're feeling. kinda got to work your way up to it, and first learn what feelings are

get comfortable with silence. i hate it, i suck at it. but sometimes you gotta make it reallyyyyy awkward before it can get better and the client cant open up

you will have to explain things so sometimes it will feel a lot like teaching. but it's not always so bad

so many fucking acronyms. be prepared

don't be your friends/family's therapist. don't offer unsolicited advice, unless they are open or interested. once you recognize the signs and can diagnose people it becomes waaaaay too easy. it's not always welcome, and sometimes we have to be okay with that

people won't always have the same values or opinions as you, and sometimes it might be triggering. i have a number of clients i wouldn't like or want to be around outside of work, and that's okay. remember to check in with yourself and let yourself have feelings. rely on your empathy and understanding to remind you that the person is what matters, not their beliefs/values. and what your job is

if you work with kids (both young and teens) you will have to work with parents. it might not be fun, but you gotta

you are human, you are born with emotions. you WILL be affected by the things people say and are going through. it isn't easy. the most important thing for anyone in this field is to get their own therapist and really make sure you stay on top of your self-care. think of it like how on airplanes you have to put an oxygen mask on yourself before you can help others; you have to help yourself before you help others.

depending on what you might specialize in (for me it's depression and anxiety) there is a significant chance you might lose a client in the worst way. it will suck and you will grieve, and it will be okay but not really. it's the reality of the field and one that's hard to accept, but i hope folks realize that

nothing beats the feeling of a client you've been seeing for a while start to unconsciously do the things you practiced in session. actually the one thing that beats it is when the client realizes they've gotten better and have made progress. it's the best feeling in the world

kinda related to the last one but it's not uncommon for someone who has made loadsssss of progress to end up experiencing something minor or major that spirals them down. they will feel bad and upset and disappointed, and that's normal. just remember that life is a series of hurdles and it's important to get back up.

this goes the same for therapists!!!! you will make mistakes! and it will be okay! you might say or do something that you think back on and go ah shit i really shouldnt have done that. and that's okay, just get back up and try again

I realize this is becoming very long and may not be as specific, but i feel like this is what i learned that was most valuable over my years in this field. if you have any specific questions i'm happy to go into more details (though my education was a bit unorthodox soooo)

#also i think it might be worth saying that this field is one of the best for people who are entering it 'late' #like the more experience you have with other jobs/careers it actually helps #and its never too late to get a degree and enter a new field!!!!! #some of my colleagues started their degrees in their 50s and it only helped them more ! #anyways fkhgskjg #asked and answered #Anonymous #bushy rambles #mental health #therapy

[jackalopey]

that post made me think about things, so here are some wheelchair thoughts from someone who recently started using one (im ambulatory, which means i can physically walk and do not use a wheelchair 24/7, personally i use it because walking can cause me to feel faint and get migraines and i was housebound due to this before; i don’t know why this happens but am waiting to have a neurology assessment)

wheelchairs are great! like i said, i used to be basically housebound, and when i did leave the house i had to really plan where i was going and what i was doing. i’d basically have to make sure i was walking for no more than 5 minutes a day, total. but since i started using my wheelchair, i havent had to consider that at all because i’m fine to be out for hours and hours and to travel miles and miles.

basically wheelchairs are anti-isolation. being able to go out and spend time with people and visit nice places is incredible. i wasn’t able to freely do that for 8 or so years.

when you’re in a wheelchair, you are small. i am already short, but the wheelchair really takes it to another level. it’s like i’m seeing the world like a child would, or something. also i’ve been more perceptive to my environment, maybe because i’m lower to the ground, which is interesting.

you feel everything. a lot of places are technically wheelchair accessible, but my god the flooring is not pleasant. cobbles are my worst enemy. god forbid you’re sensitive to travel sickness. for me this can trigger migraines, which is not ideal.

my wheelchair is pushed by someone else because i cant afford an electric one and one that i push would give me the same issues as walking. being completely under the control of another person like that is scary! roads freaked me out so much the first time, because i felt so vulnerable when i couldn’t control myself, and the person pushing doesn’t necessarily think about this because they are in control

expanding on that, being unable to control where i go can be frustrating. sometimes i want to go left when the path splits, not right, and even though there’s no real difference it’s frustrating to not be able to make that choice for myself. sometimes i want to go slower, sometimes i want to stop to look at something, but i can’t just make those decisions for myself, i have to communicate them first

again on accessability, a lot of people have wheelchair lifts for stairs, but to use them you have to find a member of staff to get help (or i assume you do; i have no idea how they work!), and honestly... it’s just not worth it for small staircases. i don’t love going down the stairs in a wheelchair, but it’s faster. ramps are better.

so many shops are inaccessible due to the interior design. when i was in paddington station, 2/7 of the shops were accessible to me, and both of the ones that were accessible were chains. the others had corners that my wheelchair couldn’t fit around, and many stores also don’t have doors that open wide enough for a wheelchair to comfortably fit in. also often shops do technically have enough room, but it’s tight so i’m constantly anxious that i’m going to knock something over

kids look at me more. that’s just something cute i noticed. they’re very curious, and they rarely say anything, but they’re really often looking over and staring. i don’t know if it’s because they’re not used to wheelchairs or if it’s just because i’m closer to their eye level, but it’s cute

people are a lot kinder than i expected. before i used it i was extremely anxious because i am young and i had heard stories about ambulatory users being harassed when they stand. i know that this is a thing that happens to people, but this hasn’t been my experience yet, at least. most people who comment on my share assume that i’m able to stand, but aren’t at all judgemental about it, and i haven’t had any rude comments or invasive questions yet. i’m sure it’ll happen eventually, but people being kind really helped with my anxiety

that being said some people are also very patronising. they don’t try to be, and i don’t know if it’s because i look like a 12 year old, but my god people seem to infantalise me even more than normal in the chair. i appreciate they’re trying to be nice, but me being unable to walk long distances doesn’t actually mean that i’m a child, weirdly!

please dear god clean up dog shit. i am begging you. it’s horrible getting dog shit on the wheels of the wheelchair. it can be hard to avoid sometimes; at least when you’re walking you have more control over your feet. my wheels don’t have the same level of flexibility of movement

it hurts my butt to be sitting for extended periods of time :/

that’s all i’ve got for now, but i’ve had a lot of thoughts, and a lot of them have been about things i hadn’t really heard about before. i don’t know if this is useful to anyone, but it’s stuff i would’ve liked to have heard more about before

#.txt #personally i prefer not having to use a wheelchair #*but* the fact is my body just isn't able to support me very well right now #and i would rather use a wheelchair and go outside #than to not use one and stay in bed for another 8 years #the lack of control is probably my least favourite aspect #if this turns into a more long-term solution i might consider saving for an electric one #but that has its own problems to consider so we'll see

[ladychlo]

hi chay, dont mind me just a curious lad with a silly question. if someone is generally very masculine about the way they dress and act like and talk abt themselves, does that mean they can't be genderfluid? like, i as an afab who's very confused abt my gender, i love to dress up in a feminine way, i love dresses i love make up i love long hair and i do "act" like a girly referring to myself as she/her and all of that /sometimes/ more in public tho. i love all of my feminine features. but sometimes i do wanna dress up in a more "masculine" way yk? i wear my dad's or brother's clothes sometimes and act like a lad. and i do sometimes find myself more comfortable in that kind of attire. im not trying to be stereotypical abt this but idk how else to express this im sorry. so i just can't help but wonder that if a man, a queer man to be more specific, who is so "masculine" all the time, wears laddy clothes calls himself a lad and all of that stuff and just is very kinda cis in expressing himself most of the time, and it might not be pretense ok but then why does the idea of him wearing dresses at home so bothersome? there are people who say its disrespectful to assume that every queer guy is flamboyant or genderfluid in some way or the other, that it's stereotypical. but if lgbtq and just gender in general is a spectrum of infinite colors, isnt it just as stereotypical to assume that just bc someone dresses and acts a certain way they can't do other stuff? just bc a laddy lad acts like a typical cis lad with everyone, he can't wear dresses at home just for the mere fact that he finds comfort in it? and if assuming that about someone is rude then assuming the opposite should be to! or should it not?

im just very confused abt the whole thing and im like very very new to this, all of this, like a baby queer if you can call me that so I'm really sorry if anything i said up there came out sounding offensive or one-dimensional or like idk not ok, i genuinely apologize that was not the intention. im just very confused about a lot of things rn and this is just me trying to make sense of stuff. feel free to ignore this or tell me off if i said anything wrong. also sorry for the rant

Hi love!!

you don't have to apologize you're totally fine!

look between how you identify with gender and how you express it can be lots of intimate and interchangeable links but also these two are at the same time separate realms. you can identify as gender fluid, agender, nonbinary, trans, cis, etc but how you express this identity (meaning your pronouns, your name, your clothes, etc etc) is your art, is whatever you want it to be, whatever makes you feel good, validated, and whatever makes you feel at home with your skin. so if you feel like expressing your gender today in a more feminine way (how you see femininity and how you define it) then perfect, if tomorrow you feel like you wanna express it in a more masculine way (again how you see masculinity and how you define it) then its all so perfect! you can always explore your gender and redefine it the way you want.

for the second part about the ''lad'' thing, everyone has a gender expression whether you're cis or trans/ gender non-conforming, of course, there is systematic discrimination and power balance that comes with reversing gender expectations and also some personal stuff you have to deal with, there is more layers when it comes to that.

however, for example, lad culture is a way for lads to express their gender, very injected by a cultural setting, by a class, by certain things that define what is a lad and they conform to it, however, it does not erase the possibility of exploring your gender while being a lad, you know, a lad can deff wear dresses, can wear makeup, can redefine the ''laddiness'' and reshape their gender expression, regardless of how they identify their gender

and about the stereotypes, look I personally don't like the idea of pushing the argument of ''you cant assume this, this is just a stereotype'' you can say this to cishets who their judgment can be rooted in the system that benefits them but as queer people, our history is linked by the things others say its ''stereotype'', recognizing that a gay man can be effeminate and present as masculine or sometimes be okay with being feminine or whatever they want is not stereotyping is just another complex reality of a queer person.

idk if I answered your questions love, but please do come back if you have more or something wasn't clear <3

#c37

[soupbabe]

*taps mic* hi!

i saw you do match-ups, if its okay with you can i request a queer platonic relationship?(im in the aroace spec, basically a non sexual or romantic partnership)

if you dont want to just ignore it, but here if yes well….

im gender neutral, i dont rly know my mbti but im mostly close to infj,even tho im more of an ambivert. for my personality im pretty interested in everything, i hate to be bored so i do sometimes questionable random stuff. i really love my friends even though i sometimes bully them (obliviously not for real or to hurt them).i feel like i cant be myself around everyone (for example in front of my classmates) so if im not talked to i just keep quiet and think about my loved ones, new ideas or just daydream how my life would be better if i wouldn’t be the former gifted child 👹 most people find me weird in my opinion, so i always question if i should open up to them. i have a big ass interest in history,flowers and their meaning,travelling n i also like to write down my thoughts and goofy stuff or exploring music genres. you can think about all characters just pls not from part 1-3, have a nice day/nigh:>

I match you with,,,

Okuyasu Nijimura ☆

I can't think of anyone else who would be fit for you other than Okuyasu! You'll never be bored with him around, he creates dumb fun wherever he goes! He loves seeing you happy. Even if you go quiet in public, he'll do anything to get you laughing and enjoying yourself.

While Okuyasu isn't the best with advice, he'll always be there to listen and to talk through your problems. His charisma makes would make it easy for you to open up to him and when you do, he bursts into tears cherishes it. He values your friendship so much and he loves that you're comfortable with him. <3

#match up #platonic match up #jjba #okuyasu Nijimura

[georgiamarlene]

I posted 104 times in 2022

That's 71 more posts than 2021!

2 posts created (2%)

102 posts reblogged (98%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@perfectquote

@quotefeeling

@ithadtobethemoon

I tagged 8 of my posts in 2022

#thoughts - 4 posts

#vintage - 3 posts

#marilyn monroe - 3 posts

#writing - 3 posts

#old hollywood - 3 posts

#deep feelings - 2 posts

#classic hollywood - 2 posts

#1950s - 2 posts

#50s - 2 posts

#personal - 2 posts

Longest Tag: 28 characters

#fighting for my fucking life

My Top Posts in 2022:

#2

Sometimes when I tend to doubt myself, not my worth, my whole self, my sole being.. I have a little voice on top of the voice that is doubting myself trying to talk over that loud voice saying all the negative, hurtful words. That little voice is shouting nothing but positivity and encouragement, a sarcastic ray of fucking sunshine, if you will. That little voice is trying to be heard..

Do you know what I mean?

Like in the movies, when you see a character trying to get to their loved one in a busy, loud crowd, and as much as they try and try to push through, climb over the crowd, yell, scream at the top of their lungs to just be heard and reach out to their loved one, the crowd effortlessly swallows them whole, they never reached their goal. It’s over in a matter of seconds and the screen fades to black..

Thats how I feel when I doubt myself, my whole self, my sole being..

I would always figure a way to rise above that crowd, I would come up with a strategic plan to overcome and win the battle.I would never let my own thoughts get the best of me. But, as of lately, I feel myself getting pushed back with every step that I take & it equals to being stuck in the same place. The dark place where I loath being.

I cant come up with a plan, no matter how hard I try. I find myself not wanting to push through or scream for my sanity. I’m comfortable with sinking and letting my positivity get swallowed whole.

That little voice that is yelling for me to get up and keep going, to stop being so sad and lost, that what I’m feeling will pass, just please just fucking get up and move your ass forward, buy yourself a coffee, put on your music and dance this bullshit away..

Well, that little voice, shes fading..

& I don’t know how to get her back..

Do I want her back?

I should, right?

She’s gotten me through so much. She’s the one that truly knows my being the most..

Sage can’t fix this, oracle cards cant give me the slightest clue..

This is more than magic, more than my astrology sign..

I need to look deeper, into myself..

But thats when I’m ready..

& I’m not ready yet, little voice.

But please, don’t leave me; I need you..

0 notes - Posted August 16, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

Have you ever felt non-existent? Not in the way that everyone does, not to someone else, or to the world; but to yourself.

That feeling is something of a blessing and a curse to me. Sometimes feeling non existent to myself feels like I’m giving myself a break from my body, emotions, life, spirit, thoughts… You know what I mean. It feels like a reset at times.

Now, when it feels like a curse.. it’s the worst. It happens at the most inappropriate times too. It happens at the times when I really need to be present, when I really need to show up for myself, listen, talk, show I care.. Thats when it happens.

Then I get called a Bitch, or told that I dont care and I’m cold..

But, if they only knew the battles I deal with daily within myself.. Then they would understand.

Have I been feeling non existent to myself lately? Yes. Do i hate it? At times. Have I been doing anything to change it? No. Why? Because I’m sorta ok with it.

That sounds bad, huh?

Where did that Woman go? The one that would fight away this feeling as soon as she felt it trying to take over her? Where is she? I need her back..

Oh there she is…

She’s non- existent..

1 note - Posted August 17, 2022

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