#i cant fucking brush my teeth or shower without someone Telling Me To

[x1i11y]

i never see people talk about showering in regards to autistic people

maybe im just fucking gross but i cannot tell when i need a shower. It’s fine until someone says something, and then its not. I’m white so my hair is pin straight and its really obvious when its greasy to other people but i just cannot tell at all. I know when my head itches because its been 5 days without one but thats it. 

I shower minimum once a week and have been pushing for two per week but i still really struggle with that. I kind of just sit thinking “i need a shower, i need a shower, i need a shower” until its past the time i allow myself to have one and i havent had one. 

Its not pretty its really gross quite frankly. The fact that i cant tell when i need one combined with my sensory issues in regards to water and general hygiene products is just bad. 

The thing is, I brush my teeth twice a day every day. If i dont, i can feel all the gross shit on my teeth and they physically start to hurt (nothing wrong with my teeth, my dentist says theyre fine). IDK why I have this hygiene gap thing but yeah

Lockdown was the only thing that got me into a routine of 3 showers a week because otherwise i literally wouldnt change clothes and my mum had to force me to have them

People are quick to talk about the more socially acceptable side of autism like stimming and meltdowns and special interests and whilst those things do need to be discussed and shared, there are less talked about areas of autism which are just as important

Anyways lmk if anyone else gets this or if im just weird and gross ty bye

#autism #actually autistic #diagnosed autistic #autistic pride #autistic girl #neurodiversity #neurodivergent #showering #hygiene #autistic hygiene #autistic feels #:P #autistic community #autistic teen #executive dysfunction #actuallyautistic #actually neurodivergent #my autism

[sortagaysortahigh]

I’m so tired of seeing those “please don’t kill yourself” posts because truly they don’t work. They come from a good place, but honestly theyre just words that are presented on a screen and half the time they make people feel guilty for being suicidal, people who already feel guilty, people who hate every single part of themselves, people who think it’d be easier without them here-guilt is not going to help anyone when they’re suicidal, it makes them feel worse, it pulls emotions from the pits of their stomachs and makes them see themselves as shitty people.

But the thing is. Youre not a shitty person for being suicidal or for having those kinds of thoughts. Truthfully you’re not. I’m not the type of person to say “dont do it bc think of everyone who would miss you!!” Because truthfully coming from someone who’s been on that edge so many times, someone whos body and soul is decorated in scars, you don’t think theyd miss you in the moment because you dont see yourself from other peoples point of view. You don’t see the beauty that they see, you don’t see the light that they see, you see yourself from your own warped perspective-and you know what. That’s okay.

You know why? Because it’s okay to not be okay. It’s okay to struggle, you’re not shitty for being stuck in a dark place, you’re not shitty regardless of how you see yourself in that mirror. You’re a human being that’s lost in their own mental space trying to fight this battle that feels so endless because sure you’ll win this battle but what about the next-then the one after that-then it’s like...whos gonna win the war? Me or my suicidal thoughts.

You look at yourself and you think you can’t win every single battle, sometimes things get really bad before anything good happens. Sometimes you cant pull yourself out of bed and brush your teeth, sometimes you stare at your scars and wonder “what happens if i try it again”, then what? You consider it, you contemplate it, but guess what. You’re still here. You’re reading this post. Do y’know what that means? It means that you won another battle.

Wars aren’t won over night, it takes weeks, months, sometimes even years. It’s an on going fight, but truth be told, you’ve made it this far. Coming from a person that’s been in that hospital room, that’s been in that psych ward, that say in that bathroom on the edge of the bathtub, leg shaking up and down rapidly while staring at that small object that could provide temporary or even permanent “relief”-things aren’t easy. But thats the thing about life right? It’s not easy.

It’s never gonna be easy and the people who treat it like its as simple as just reading a post or sending an “i love you text”, they mean well-truly. But don’t let that make you feel guilty for being suicidal, for having suicidal thoughts. You aren’t as alone as you think you are, and i can guarantee that.

Yeah it fucking sucks, it sucks hating yourself and looking in the mirror and not recognizing the person staring back at you, crying into your pillows at night, sitting on the shower floor for hours on end, or just not feeling anything. It fucking blows to sit and feel like you can’t talk to anybody because theyre gonna pity you or look down on you or just not understand you. It sucks feeling like you’re nothing but a fucking burden, it sucks losing yourself for so long that you feel like you don’t even know yourself anymore.

But y’know what? Y’know why I stayed-why I continue to stay? Why i tell my suicidal thoughts to go fuck themselves, why I hold out a little longer every single day?

Because the sun rises and sets every single day. Then the moon takes its place in the sky and while it’s dark, the sky is covered in little marks, little stars bright and dim, decorating the night sky. Things are dark but theres still beauty there. Even in storms, the clouds decorate the sky in intricate formations and patterns, rain, thunder, lightning, all consume the air and move around you. Sure everything might be grey but y’know how it smells before and after a storm? Do you remember the first time you saw a bolt of lightning in the distance? The crashing emotions that consumed you all at once? Or the first time you saw a rainbow in the sky? Or a sunset over the horizon line? Or the first time you sat on hot concrete? Or the first time you climbed a tree-or even touched tree bark?

As humans we feel things, we feel energies, we feel everything around us-physically, emotionally, and mentally-and we feel each other. That’s why I stay, because I know that even on my darkest days, days that I think “maybe i should try again-who would really care? Things would be easier without me” i remember the feeling of the sun against my skin in the middle of the spring, or the cold breeze at the end of fall when winters right around the corner. Or even the smell of freshly cut grass on summer mornings.

So maybe stay for a little longer, just to feel that next cool fall breeze, or to see the sunset from your favorite place, or to feel the grass between your toes during the hot ass summer, hell even to find the north star tomorrow, or to see the next full moon, or just to stand in the rain and feel your clothes sticking to your body. Maybe stay to see the sun rise-or to see it set again, to hear the birds singing in the morning or to see a stray cat on the street this week.

Your suicidal thoughts aren’t gonna go away over night. Don’t feel guilty for being in a dark place, and don’t blame yourself. You’re so much more than those thoughts, and one day, one day I promise you you’ll know that.

Here is a link to a post I made with a ton of mental health resources.

You’re not a burden, you’re not defined by those negative thoughts, you’re not defined by the dark places youve been or the dark place youre in.

#tw: suicide #tw suicide #tw: suicide mention #tw: self harm #tw self harm #tw: suicidal thoughts #tw: depression #tw depression #tw: s*lf h*rm

[imagines-mha]

class 1-B and night routines

Monoma: if monoma doesn’t annoy at least 2 people per night he simply will not sleep. Wears the comfiest pyjamas- like a 100% cotton top and plaid pj bottoms and everyones so fuckin jealous. He tells everyone he has a 16 step self-care routine he does every night but he really just brushes his teeth and then sits on his phone for like 2 hours? Ike what do you GET out of lying??? 

Tetsutetsu: he thinks going to bed after 11pm is criminal. Literally doesn’t understand the cryptidcrew™️ who DONT MF SLEEP. Works out before bed which is 👌🏻👌🏻 OOF. Aw hes the type of friend to make everyone tea and toast and send them asmr videos if they cant sleep i love him. He usually spends his night dancing around with pony and working off all his ENERGY

Kendo: “yall im turning into bed i’m too tired for this shit” “kendo it’s 7pm”

My girl will retire to her room as early as she can (usually with the rest of the girls) and she just RELAXES. Like self-care to the max: paints her nails, watches tv, plans her tomorrow, showers. She’s usually asleep at 10pm and wakes up the next morning full energy I want what she has

Awase: he has the WORST sleep schedule like fr. Literally sits up on tiktok until 3am and he’s just like “oh shit i’m up at 7…” *continues scrolling* like bro GET UR ASS TO BED U HAVE TRAINING AT 6AM. His night routine ain’t anything special- he sleeps in sweats and always keeps his window open (although someone told him about banshees once and now hes lowkey terrified lmao)

Kaibara- the type to fall asleep on the sofa and wake up at 4 in the morning to find tsuburaba in the kitchen eating a full course meal and he just SIGHS and goes up to bed in the worst mood bc why tf are his friends so WEIRD. Likes to watch the stars and edit pictures before he sleeps- its so therapeutic to him and also productive so he’s winning

Rin- he drinks coffee every night after midnight and then goes “oh my fuck shit i just drank coffee why am i like this” like congrats u fuckin dumbass now u ain’t gonna sleep. And he never fuckin learns. Always does his hw at like 11pm, Also stays up way too late binge-watching star wars smh 

Tsuburaba: he gets up every night and treats himself to a three-course meal in the kitchen no cap no sound awareness my man will be blending shit full blast at 2 in the morning. Usually falls asleep sitting at the kitchen table and he 👏🏻 needs 👏🏻 a 👏🏻 chiropractor 👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻. Also always forgets to do his homework until everyone’s packing up to go to bed and hes like “please,, anyone,, the math?”. Shoda wants to punch him so bad

Ibara: the most well-structured person in the entire building. At 7pm she has her shower, at 8:30pm she goes to pray, at 9:30pm she journals and draws to calm her mind, and at 10pm she meditates until she falls asleep- which is usually 10:20pm.. Everyone wants her self control and independance like damn how does she FUNCTION. Also queen of vegan self-care remedies 

Pony: girl is chaotic as fuck it’ll be like 10pm and rin’s like “yo pony can i copy the hw??” And shes like “WHAT HOMEWORK.” . *cue two idiots freaking tf out*. She’s always wearing matching pj sets and fluffy socks and loves sliding around in them like a dork. Dances every night before bed to tire herself out like shes just in the lounge deadass vibing to taylor swift and a new person joins her everytime . people would be dead without her

Kodai: movies every night or she won’t go to class the next morning. Shes always just sitting on her phone w earphones in like she has absoloutely no time to deal with monoma’s shit so she just peaces tf out of existence. Cutest pyjamas ever i love her pyjama queen. The go-to girl for homework she just leaves her bag open, as long as u return it shes cool

Tokage: oh my god shes so CRYPTIC and FOR WHAT. Pranks pranks pranks pranks pranks. everyone hates her for it and she loves it so bad. Like she has the balls to prank kamakiri and that TAKES BALLS LET ME JUST SAY . she’ll just leave her body parts in people’s beds and its SO annoying. They usually just pick up her stray arm and fling it at the wall in revenge then act confused the next morning when she complains abt the bruises 

Komori: cryptic as fuck. Does she sleep? Why is she always sitting at the table? What is she doing? . Closes her tabs whenever someone comes into the dining room and just stares at them til they leave again like :)). In the garden every night til she can’t bear the coldness- watches the stars and makes flower crowns and worships the moon i love her

Kuroiro: nighttime is the time he just evaporates like where tf is he like 🙄🙄 reel it in randy from monsters inc . Hiding in the walls and listening to everyones conversations and secrets is his only skill in life . Everyone thinks he doesn’t sleep and just wanders around (he does, he just likes to have an edgy reputation)

Kamakiri- did you hear that?? oh its just kamakiri fistfighting monoma in the hallway again. Fr takes no prisoners he needs his beauty sleep (or idk do bugs sleep lmao??). If you’re in his way while he’s RAMPAGING to his room youre dead bro when i say he takes bedtime routines seriously i MEAN it. He does self-care and tells NOONE but its lowkey cute idk lmao why do i have a crush on a bug lemme call my therapist real quick

Bondo- 9pm. Wind down time. A good book is all my mans needs and he’ll be out for the count in absolutely no time at all. Fukidashi will die jealous and bondo fucking loves it. Milks tf out of it too he’s like YAWN I AM SO TIRED OFF TO BED NOW TO SLEEP PEACEFULLY GOODNIGHT and everyone who WISHES they could sleep as early as that wants him to choke

Manga- king of never having hw done until 1am at the earliest 🤡. He lives on 1 hour sleep most nights and his speech bubble just says “no <3” until like 11am. Its cus of his crippling hyperactivity he’s running the halls at 3am practicing the entire mamma mia choreography ffs fukidashi U HAVE A CAREER AHEAD OF U 

Reiko: energy drink addiction 101 if she doesn’t drink monster every night before bed she’s convinced she’ll die. “I sleep all day and party all night” she says, crying over math hw at 2am. Plays music too loud and has LED strobelites on ALL NIGHT. Shes deadass doing witchcraft in the lounge w komori all night during finals week she doesnt give a single fuck x

Shishida: another reader,, mans will finish an entire book in a night by the force of sheer willpower alone. Takes a bath every night and it makes his fur so fluffy and smell like apples smdnwjdnwd. Perfect snuggle buddy for wintertimes (pony LOVES HIM) and he’s that good man who carries tsuburaba to bed when he falls asleep at the kitchen table

Shoda: “please don’t speak to me while im doing my homework im 👌🏻 this close to having a mental breakdown and all it takes is a single poke to reel me over the edge.” Complains all day about being tired then goes to bed at 2am?? Like no shit ofc ur tired bitch . Always up for a deep talk at night he knows EVERYTHING abt EVERYONE and hes so trustworthy hed never tell a soul

Honenuki: he meal preps and does yoga before bed 🤢 like WHO HAS THAT MOTIVATION. Irons and sets his uniform out for the next day before getting his homework FINISHED by 9pm . He’s pretty flexible w what he does at nights it 100% depends on his mood. Usually he’s helping Tokage with pranks or working out w tetsutetsu tho. Used to annoy people who were up doing hw after 11 like “really tsuburaba? You should be ashamed”. Shoda almost DECKED him once for it tho and he was #traumatised and never did it again

#my hero academia #mha #mha headcanons #mha imagines #Class 1-B #bnha #monoma neito #kendo itsuka #tetsutetsu tetsutetsu #awase yousetsu #rin hiryu #sen kaibara #yui kodai #ibara shiozaki #setsuna tokage #pony tsunotori #Reiko Yanagi #Komori Kinoko #kojiro bondo #manga fukidashi #Jurota Shishida #juzo honenuki #Kosei Tsuburaba #nirengeki shoda #Togaru Kamakiri #shihai kuroiro #x reader

[iwilleatyourfridge]

hello! I'm new to this sort of matchup so im super sorry if the details I provide are not enough and I also have no idea what kinds of info matters here so I'll just put as much as i can anyway, also super sorry if its random and repetive I can't form setences correctly 😭. If you cant or wont do this please just ignore this!! but if you do then thank you so much in advance 💕

Can i please request a Tf2 rival match up?

I'm 5'5, a libra ♎️, Bi/Pansexual female and i use every pronounce(he/she/them, she/them I mainly use but you can just use she/her), I'm also vietnamese💀 easypass to get soldier lmaooooo 💀💀

I'm quite chubby but I like to be quick with my movements, I have short black and brownish hair, I wear glasses, my main hobbies are drawing and crocheting stuff. I'm a very Very indoor person, always order takeouts to go home instead of sitting at the restaurant

I'm mainly very polite, nice and quiet when meeting new people and making friends, I try to like people but that doesnt always work out, I have a pretty low temper, I dont get verbally or physically mad fast but I do get very annoyed quickly if someone really gets out of line, Probably just completely ignoring them.

I'm probably a boring asf person to bicker with, I dont make comebacks or so often, I'll just scoff, not say anything and just leave lol, I just dont like having such a bruised ego that you gotta talk shit about people whatever the situation is hwhwhhs

I dont always stand up for myself but I will beat a bitch for my friends. But I'm a very fair person and I have a kinda like "sense for justice" thing, alike my zodiac I like balance and things getting judge how they deserve to be, I hate unfairness, if my friends are clearly in the wrong I wont up them just cause they're a friend of mine

I respect opinions and boundaries alot, so I expect other people to be so too, if you're not rude and trying to shove shit all up in my face then we're cool, but if you dont know then I'll tell you, if you still insist then you're already on my "this person sucks " list lol

one major thing i hate is talking shit without knowing shit, being too stubborn when they're wrong, not bothering to even listen to other people's advices and whatnot. one thing ticks me off sooo much is being childlishly angry and upset over small shit and even when the other person is trying to reason with them, even going so far to apologize when they're clearly not wrong but they just block it out without listening.

I genuinely dislike having to argue someone really, especially if its just a bicker over something super tiny no one is actually at fault and it gets serious, I would just walk out the moment I sense a serious argument is about to happen if its involded with me. I always go try to actually reason it out first instead of getting angry, like if someone flails their hands and accidentally smack me in the head, I'm not just gonna punch them back if it was an accident and they apologized ofc, but if it's intentional 100% I will deck them back in the face lol.

I'm dumb asf at times, clumsy and just not good with chatting, I have 1 braincell and I already lost it somewhere. I'm also chaotic, saying weird questionable things just for the fucks of it, almost got hit by a car one time trying to cross the street without looking, i like dicking around and saying stupid shit at times cause my humor's absolutely broken

uhh random stuff

likes: savory or sweet food and drinks, anytypes of sodas honestly, horror related stuff

dislikes: spicy and bitter food/drinks, touching and poking at my stuff/me without asking, any type of physical contact that is forced upon me and we're not close, working under imense pressure

I'm not an extremely hygenic person, I leave my clothes around and skip brushing my teeth a few nights here and there in a month but I do have limits, I mostly care about my own hygiene, I dont care if you showers at least once a day or not, if you smell bad I'll just stay away with a mask on, I'll give you advice 1-2 times and just stop afterwards if you dont listen, but if there is piss on the bathroom floor and toilet seat then that is not gonna sit well with me ⚰️

Welp i can't think of more stuff to add here lmaoooo whhw, thanks so much again if you do this and super sorry if you cant

YOUR RIVAL IS SOLIDER

Rival Matchups

Info for getting Rival Matchups here! Thank you for your request, and thank you for being as thorough as possible when it wasn’t necessary. Sorry for it taking a bit; academics be a pain. Hope you enjoy anon :)

Total Bullet Points: 10

On the battlefield

A dying Solider laid on the battlefield, and what was he going to with his final moments before he dies: bitch and holler. You were on the opposing team in range of Solider, and target acquired. Arguments came out of his mouth that made no logical sense, and what you did caused him to a undying hatred towards you. You simply walked away. No arguing back. No killing him. His existence was simply ignored.

When he woke up in respawn, his boot straps were being tightened because he was going to shove it so far up that you would have to respond to him. Why? Because you made him feel like he was zero threat. The threat level should have made you kill or react to him, but you didn’t. It was like equal to civilian… HE IS NOT A CIVILIAN!

Solider notices how you have a quieter demeanor, and he is not having that bullshit. Yes, you can get going when need to, but it’s certainly not extent that Solider approves of. He needs to be seen as a threat! Needs to be validated, and your behavior is not helping him.

Get ready to be decked by a shovel and blown to slithering. Repeatedly. He never verbalized his insecurity. When he realizes that your fighting style hasn’t change much, he gets more vocal.

During his vocal moments of yelling at you, he notices more about you and your clumsiness. During his rambling, he gives advice for you to be more observant and how to be more careful. It would be sweet if he wasn’t going to beat you to death. It comes off as patronizing.

Most of his teammates won’t notice the rivalry. Even with rival status, his team’s success takes priority over you. Only do they notice when he gets more vocal than usual… and they thought he couldn’t get even more. The rivalry isn’t hurting the team, so the topic isn’t brought up much.

Off the Battlefield

Oh you don’t go out much? He will just find where you live and burst.

Instead of killing you, screaming ensues. Everything is incoherent, and it looks like he is going to have a stroke. During his discourse, you manage to call the police. Arrested for trespassing.

His team end up coming over and having to deal with police about his behavior. The team has an intervention with Solider since he broke their contract. He refuses to apologize and doesn’t see how he is in the wrong. Solider boy is stubborn and thinks his insecurity is completely justified. You are given expensive art supplies and takeout from the team for the event with the police(please don’t go to court with them).

The rivalry remains pretty much the same, so his teammates are the ones who are stopping it from escalating and taming it. They give solider other directions in battle and forbid him from even thinking about meeting you outside of work.

#tf2 solider #tf2 #matchup

[brelione]

Just Wanna Be Happy (Pope HeywardxReader)

Warnings:Mentions of self harm,depression,medication,suicide.Please do not read if youre triggered by these topics.This wasnt written to glamorize mental illness this is kind of just my coping mechanism because I just got out of a depressing period.Depression effects people differently but this fanfic has ways that its effected me so yeah.

You had never been a very social person.Or a friendly person or even a happy person.You kind of just existed without purpose or reason.Its not like you didnt want to be happy because of course you did.It just wasnt something that could come naturally to you in your everyday life.It was summer and you had hardly left your house at all.Most time was spent in your room.It had been days since you had showered or brushed your hair or even changed your clothes.You hadnt done you laundry in weeks or eaten a proper meal in days.You were an absolute mess since you had stopped taking your medication.You didnt know why but you just couldnt bring yourself to take them anymore.You felt guilty for not replying to any of your friends messages.

“Hey :) do you wanna hang out with us tomorrow?”Read Tuesday 9:48 PM. “Hey have you been taking your meds?Your mom wanted me to check up on you :)”Read at 1:48 PM today.

Your mom was staying with family in California this summer to work on a book.She would transfer ten dollars to your bank account everyday.You hadnt spent any of it.She had sent you countless texts to ask how you were doing or if you had gotten your refill.Your skin was dull from not seeing the sun,the hair on your legs had grown long and prickly and you smelt like absolute shit.You heard a knock at your door,the sound echoing through your empty house.You worked up the strength to get up,dragging your feet as you walked.You felt dizzy and nauseous as you walked,couldnt even feel your feet touching the ground.Your kitchen was an absolute mess,frying pan with maple syrup stuck to it and the sink full of dirty smelling dishes.You opened the door,blocking your eyes from the sun to see Pope.

He let out a sigh of relief,pulling you into a hug. “God (Y/N)!You cant do that!Jesus,I thought you died.”He sighed,squeezing you tightly.You didnt bother hugging back,letting your head rest against him. “I was getting worried about you-its been like two weeks since you’ve talked to me.”He grumbled,pulling away from the hug and observing your face.You had a couple of pimples across your forehead from not washing your face,your skin was splotchy and your eyes puffy. “Have you been taking your meds?”He asked.You didnt answer,watching as he walked over to the cabinet to pull out the orange pill bottle.It was still half full.He looked at the date that it was supposed to be refilled.Two days ago. “You have to take these every day!”He exclaimed.You sighed,not really caring.THis wasnt what you needed to hear right now.You didnt exactly know what you needed to hear but that was definitely not it.

 “When was the last time you showered?”He asked.You shrugged,not remembering.All the days had merged together.You slept a lot even when you didnt need it.The only time you really got up was to use the bathroom or vomit into your trash bin. “And the last time you ate?”He asked.You mumbled that you werent sure,embarrassed that someone had seen you in this state.He turned on your shower,letting the room get steamy from the hot water.He went into your messy room,making his way through the piles of crumpled paper and dirty clothing to your dresser.He grabbed you a new pair of underwear,a sportsbra,a loose t shirt and some comfy looking shorts.He assisted you in getting your hair out of the bun it was in,letting the snagglt knots loose. “I’m going to make you some food,okay?”You nodded.He closed the bathroom door.

You pulled off your dirty clothes,nearly gagging at the smell of yourself.You stepped into the shower,letting the burning hot water touch your back and head.You poured a fistfull of conditioner in your hair to try and help with the knots.You sat down,closing your eyes and letting the conditioner rinse out.You poured at least a fourth of the bottle of shampoo into your hair,scrubbing your scalp aggressively.You used the suds from the shampoo to wash under your arms and your back.You used the same suds in replacement of shaving cream to shave your legs only up to your knee.The water was going cold but you didnt care,laying down and letting the water smack your stomach.Pope knocked at the door before opening it. “(Y/N)?You okay?”He asked.You sat up,eyes still shut as you turned off the water. “I made you some frozen waffles.”He informed you before closing the door again.

You waited until all of the water went down the drain until you stood up,slowly stepping onto the bath mat.At least you didnt smell so disgusting now.What really worried you was brushing your hair out mostly because you knew it would hurt and half your hair would most likely fall out.You grabbed a towel,rubbing down your body.You had some faded scars on your thighs and calves but none on your wrist.Mainly because you knew no one would check your legs.It had been five months since you harmed yourself and you were proud.You probably would’ve relapsed eventually if you were even able to work up the energy to do it.You groaned as you saw the pimples on your face,grabbing your face wash that you hadnt used in so long.You scrubbed your face,rinsing the soap off and patting your skin dry.

You looked back up at the mirror.You could barely recognize yourself.You looked like a deformed radiation exposed raccoon.You saw the clothes Pope had picked for you,pulling them on over your damp skin.You slowly brushed your teeth,blood leaking from your gums as you did so.You dragged yourself out of the bathroom,the cold air of the kitchen hitting you.Pope wa sitting at your kitchen table.A plate of eggos sat on a paper plate,a cup of water sitting in front of it. “I’ll go grocery shopping for you later.”He offered as you sat down.You shook your head. “No...its fine.”You answered as you stared down at the plate. “You dont have anything to eat here.Let me go grocery shopping and cook for you.”He spoke softly,taking a pill from your prescription bottle and holding it in his palm.

 “Can you please eat so you can take this?”He asked.You took a bite of the eggo,wanting nothing more than to spit it out into the garbage.You chewed it to mush and swallowed,looking back at him. “Good.”He handed you the pill. “I dont want to take this.”You told him.He sighed,nodding. “I know,I know you dont but it’ll make you feel better.”He told you.You dipped your head back,dropping the pill in your mouth and sipping the water. “All I want is to be happy….why is that so much to ask for?”You grumbled,looking down at your cup.He reached out for your hand,rubbing his thumb along your palm. “You’ll be happy one day.If you take your medicine and make your environment better you’ll feel better.”He had probably read that bullshit in some book.You rolled your eyes. “What does that even mean?”You asked.You placed his hand over yours,tapping his nails against your fingertips. “Just let me take care of you until your mom gets back,alright?”He asked.You hummed,too tired to argue.

He grabbed your hairbrush and a bottle of detangler from your bathroom and got to work on your hair.It didnt hurt too bad and he was careful with your hair almost like it was precious gold. “Do you wanna watch a movie?”He asked.You shrugged but followed him to your living room.It was the one room besides your mothers that you hadnt completely fucked up.He went on Disney Plus and allowed you to flick through the titles until you found something you liked.You chose Inside Out.He grinned at you,kissing your forehead before disappearing into your room.He picked up the clothes off your floor and assumed they were dirty,tossing them into your washing machine.

He stuffed your trash bin full of all the paper and random trash on your floor.He grabbed the stacks of plates,forks and molding mugs from you floor and on top of your dresser.He did a load of dishes,switching your clothes from your washer to your dryer.You had fallen asleep on the couch with the movie still on.He made your bed for you,killing a few bugs that had been hiding under all of the trash.He called his dad. “Pope?You okay?” “mhm..yeah.Um...im gonna be away from home for a while.” “What-no the hell you’re not.” “Dad-” “No-what am I gonna do with all these grocery deliveries?” “Dad-Its (Y/N).” Silence. “Is she….uhh..” “No-no.She’s been off her meds and i think someones gotta be here to take care of her while her moms out of town.” “Alright...just be careful with her.”The call ended.Pope sighed as he looked at your room.It was much much cleaner now that he was done with it.

He sat down on the couch next to your sleeping figure,paying attention to the movie in front of him.You sat up tiredly,wrapping your arms around his torso and moving him so you could rest your head on his tummy. “I think thats whats happening to me.”You spoke,gesturing to the TV.Joy and Sadness had just left the headquarters which left only fear,anger and disgust.He nodded,understanding what you were trying to tell him. “Maybe.”He replied.You sighed,tracing circles onto his skin through his shirt. “I wanna learn how to be happy...it might take a while but I just wanna be happy,you know?”You asked.He hummed,moving his arms so he was holding you. “I’ll help anyway I can.”He promised,stroking your hair lightly.

#pope heyward #pope x reader #pope outer banks #pope heyward imagine #pope heyward headcanon #jonathan daviss #jj maybank #jj maybankxreader #jj maybank imagine #jj x you #jj maybank oneshot #kiara carrera #kiara x reader #obx kiara #kiara carrera x you #kiara carrera imagine #john b #john b routledge #sarah cameron #sarah cameron x reader #sarah cameron imagine #sarah cameron x you #obx sarah #rafe cameron #rafe obx #rafe x reader #rafe cameron imagine #drew starkey #madison bailey #madelyn cline

[welcome-to-gaytown]

All

everything is labelled as one-

The meaning behind my url:

erm i dont remember hsdjfkdhjfd

A picture of me:

i-

How many tattoos i have and what they are:

none,,, yet

Last time i cried and why:

last night, just life, overwhelming shit yk

Piercings i have:

just two on each of my ears

Favorite band:

dont have one

Biggest turn offs:

moving on

Top 5 (insert subject)

what is my subject-

Tattoos i want:

something large and intricate and detailed covering my back, a forearm sleeve, a bunch of roses and flowers on my left calf, a daisy on my shoulder

Biggest turn ons:

yeah no-

Age:

age is but a concept

Ideas of a perfect date:

going to the park, having a picnic with frozen fruit and laughing at each other

Life goal:

to move out

Piercings i want:

many

Relationship status:

single hoe

Favorite movie:

dont have one

A fact about my life:

it sucks

Phobia:

idk

Middle name:

one of them is mary

Height:

5'3

Are you a virgin?

what do you think :|

What’s your shoe size?

8 womens

What’s your sexual orientation?

pansexy

Do you smoke, drink, or take any drugs?

no, i take ibuprofen?

Someone you miss:

many

What’s one thing you regret?

many

First celebrity you think of when someone says attractive:

i dont think of celebrities

Favorite ice cream?

dont have one

One insecurity:

not being good enough

What my last text message says:

SKSNKSDNKDJFD

Have you ever taken a picture naked?

no??

Have you ever painted your room?

yes

Have you ever kissed a member of the same sex?

havent kissed anyone

Have you ever slept naked?

no

Have you ever danced in front of your mirror?

no

Have you ever had a crush?

many

Have you ever been dumped?

no

Have you ever stole money from a friend?

no

Have you ever gotten in a car with people you just met?

nope

Have you ever been in a fist fight?

kinda

Have you ever snuck out of your house?

nope

Have you ever had feelings for someone who didn’t have them back?

often

Have you ever been arrested?

nope

Have you ever made out with a stranger?

nope

Have you ever met up with a member of the opposite sex somewhere?

yep @alfredo-king07

Have you ever left your house without telling your parents?

nope

Have you ever had a crush on your neighbor?

nope

Have you ever ditched school to do something more fun?

nope

Have you ever slept in a bed with a member of the same sex?

my sister?

Have you ever seen someone die?

no

Have you ever been on a plane?

ye

Have you ever kissed a picture?

no???

Have you ever slept in until 3?

pm and am both

Have you ever love someone or miss someone right now?

yes

Have you ever laid on your back and watched cloud shapes go by?

yis

Have you ever made a snow angel?

no

Have you ever played dress up?

no

Have you ever cheated while playing a game?

yeah

Have you ever been lonely?

many

Have you ever fallen asleep at work/school?

yep

Have you ever been to a club?

nope

Have you ever felt an earthquake?

nope

Have you ever touched a snake?

nope

Have you ever ran a red light?

cant drive

Have you ever been suspended from school?

nope

Have you ever had detention?

nope

Have you ever been in a car accident?

yep

Have you ever hated the way you look?

many

Have you ever witnessed a crime?

yeah

Have you ever pole danced?

no???

Have you ever been lost?

many

Have you ever been to the opposite side of the country?

yep

Have you ever felt like dying?

last night

Have you ever cried yourself to sleep?

every night this week

Have you ever sang karaoke?

nope

Have you ever done something you told yourself you wouldn’t?

yeah

Have you ever laughed until something you were drinking came out your nose?

ew no

Have you ever slept with someone at least 5 years older or younger?

fuck no

Have you ever kissed in the rain?

never kissed

Have you ever sang in the shower?

ig

Have you ever made out in a park?

nope

Have you ever dream that you married someone?

nope

Have you ever glued your hand to something?

nope

Have you ever got your tongue stuck to a flag pole?

nope

Have you ever ever gone to school partially naked?

nope

Have you ever been a cheerleader?

nope

Have you ever sat on a roof top?

kinda

Have you ever brush your teeth?

obviously

Have you ever ever too scared to watch scary movies alone?

no

Have you ever played chicken?

no

Have you ever been pushed into a pool with all your clothes on?

no

Have you ever been told you’re hot by a complete stranger?

yeah-

Have you ever broken a bone?

no

Have you ever been easily amused?

ig

Have you ever laughed so hard you cried?

yeah

Have you ever mooned/flashed someone?

fuck no

Have you ever cheated on a test?

yeah

Have you ever forgotten someone’s name?

my own

Have you ever met someone who didn’t seem real?

yeah

Give us one thing about you that no one knows.

im sri lankan <3

#HFSDJKFHKSD #asks #aces interactions #nat! #thanks bestie

[el-im]

im putting all the things ive been meaning to write posts about into one single item because i am feeling Very Observed lately and i figure with it being as early as it is that hopefully this wont show up on some peoples dashes by the time they get around to pulling up tumblr today. 

first of all heres a photo dump and some captions

from when i texted charlie my images of the sisko card, which i was really hoping he’d like

a smiley face on my coffee 

i was gonna make a gender joke here bc the longer i looked at these before n after pinning back my hair pictures the more i was like ‘oh we just flipped gender presentation like a lightswitch huh’ but that was not funny and i am not funny and I wish i were but im not and its kind of a >:( fact thats been bugging me lately. 

from mom, yesterday, who dropped off one for me, one for nick, one for mia, and one for abe. i was expecting this to be the only thing i got/heads up/message on valentines day but i woke up this morning to find that aub had sent me a playlist that i looked at but havent listened to yet (because im trying to order my responses to things in increasing complexity and time--i responded to the tik toks elanor sent me first, them had a look at the star trek document that joe sent me and commented on the questions he asked without giving away spoilers, and am now making this post, which ive been meaning to make, and will then maybe try to listen to the playlist and then respond to michelle’s email) 

these are joes thoughts from some ds9 episodes. initially, i’d sent him a list of ‘best’  episodes (my favorites AND the eps i thought were most emblematic of ds9′s issues--bajor’s relationship with cardassia, trill relationships, etc) hoping that he’d be able to see the merit of the show, but he insisted on re-watching the first episode before he started working on the list because he’d only seen it once a long time ago, and then, after watching ep 1 and captive pursuit (with tosk) decided that he’d try to watch the full first season, especially after i expressed my dismay at realizing he wouldn’t get the chronological introduction to garak bc ep 3 wasnt on my list of best episodes. anyway. he showed me this list of written reactions after watching ep 1 and captive pursuit and it made me so happy he decided he’d keep doing it, which i insisted wasn’t necessary because it seems to me like a lot of work (and which i still feel guilty about) but he was like told me that he’d only seldom seen me as happy as i was upon reading that and it was something little he could do to foster that joy which.. makes my heart crack in two). 

anyway. the real reason i started this post was because ive been up in arms for the past few days about mia and covid. 

speaking of which. 

baby ‘passed’ first covid test. that arrow on the side is the minimized player where im watching nemesis. hah. 

anyway. 

to make a longer story short, my (pregnant!!!) sister decided, stupidly, to go with her boyfriend abe, a sound engineer, to a broadcast stage he was setting up in california, because she has a liver condition that appeared during her pregnancy which makes giving birth difficult (which is emotionally challenging for her because she had always wanted to do an at-home birth without drugs) and in fact, is a condition which typically leads to the birth having to be induced early, which means, at this point in development, that she could potentially need to have the child at any time. she went with him because she didn’t want to be without him if the baby needed to come. she was there for a week, with the both of them feeling sick all the while, and then came home early without abe because she felt bad and wasnt having fun, eventually getting a ride from my mother (who lives with my grandmother and great aunt, 93 and 86 respectively) back home from the airport (she took a PLANE!?). anyway. at our insistence, she was tested the same day she got home. she was reluctant to do it because she ‘didn’t think she had it’ and figured that it was ‘just the flu, honestly’ as if she had any way of knowing that???? in the day she was waiting for her test results, she came out of her room multiple times without a mask on, walking around the kitchen or playing with the dogs, even though we told her to stay in her room (and had brought her food/hot tea/whatever else she needed). she had no reason to come out when she was 1. sick and 2. not quite sure if she had covid or not

anyway. her test came back positive so she was trying to ‘stay in her room’, which lasted for.. not even a day. nick and i, who hadn’t seen either of them in a week, but had been around each other, got tests. we (as pictured) both got negative results, so mia must have gotten it in california rather than from someone we’d all seen (like nick and mia’s dad or stepmother earlier in the month) 

abe came home soon after and had taken two rapid tests when he landed, but then, when coming home, immediately was sitting in the same room as my sister, without a mask on. he slept outside in our ‘arizona room’--a screened in patio with a futon in it for the first night. when his results came back (as negative), he decided that he was fine to be in the house, so wouldn’t wear a mask in the kitchen or in the living room, (something nick and i both did) AND would also be in the same room as my sister for long periods of time. i’d like to think he was wearing a mask in there, but i can’t be sure. he was playing video games in their shared room where mia was watching tv, as long as he (AND I QUOTE) ‘stayed in his corner’. it’s a ten by ten room at most. there’s no way that staying in there, even with a mask on, for as long as he did was a smart option. so... to reiterate. abe was in a room with my sister, who has covid, for a long period of time, and then wouldn’t wear a mask when in the common areas that everyone uses. which is... great right

and the thing thats been annoying me for these last couple of days in particular, ASIDE from all the dumb shit they’ve done up to this point, is that mia says abe needs to bring her food (valid) and YET mia is always in the kitchen (which doesn’t make sense). i was in the kitchen preparing a meal the other day and she came out to refill her water. which, if abe was functioning SOLELY to bring her things, as she was insisting, would not have warranted her coming out of her room. it was the middle of the day. she could have said she needed water and left her cup by the door and i could have refilled it and brought it back.... but she didn’t. i was wearing two masks (a cloth one over a medial grade one) but was still wary about her being there--because I was making food. i told her to get out of the kitchen because she’d finished getting her water, but she said ‘just a minute!!’ and continued, not three feet away from me, trying to pick up one of the dogs and playing with her. i kept telling her to go back to her room but she was acting as though i was being rude and being completely unreasonable??? she takes every request we make for her to stay away from us as a personal attack, like we don’t want to see her or be around her, instead of us trying to protect ourselves from covid?? 

THEN the fun part is after all this, abe sets up an inflatable mattress in the office (which is :) right :) next :) to my room) because he decides he doesn’t want to sleep in the same room as mia (reasonable) despite having been occupying the same room as mia for hours (STUPID). so now abe is using the hall bathroom, which nick and i use/shower in/brush our teeth in. before, abe had been using mia’s bathroom off the bedroom, and, again, had been sleeping in there. so now, if abe DID catch it from mia, which is likely, at this point, he’d going to give it to nick and i.

nick and i were upset about this, and told mia last night that she needed to stay in her room. that was how people quarantined. that is how you quarantine. you do not leave your room for ANY reason, especially if you have 1. MULTIPLE PEOPLE CAPABLE AND WILLING TO BRING YOU FOOD AT ANY TIME OF DAY and 2. A BATHROOM THAT CONNECTS TO YOUR ROOM. she came out and started yelling at us about abe, though neither of us wanted to fight with her (and there was no reason to fight about something we were CLEARLY right about). she said ‘YOU CANT HAVE IT BOTH WAYS’ which meant that abe can’t not use the livingroom and the hall bathroom (which we were saying he shouldnt do) and that he can’t be in quarantine with mia (stay with her in her room) but the thing is.... BECAUSE he has spent so much time with her, and because they weren't wearing masks when they were outside and BECAUSE he spent hours playing video games in the room that my sister has been quarantined in for a whopping two days--he now shouldnt ALSO be using our bathroom, because now we can get sick. (and probably fucking will!!!!) she is having him now stay in the office and use our bathroom (GREAT) instead of just biting the bullet and staying with her because he ALREADY HAD BEEN staying with her 

and now they are both in the kitchen :)! i can hear them from my room. great. 

anyway here r some sketches that i never uploaded before cause theyre hideous but im putting here because i hope to fuck no one actually reads this/scrolls down this far

#captain's log #it does not compute to me #that you can just be this fucking stupid #i hate her #i am SO fucking mad at her about this i dont want to live here :)

[fictionalgirlinafictionalworld]

3rd july

ok so i booked a doctors appointment and i'm shitting myself. i'm not sure why i did it exactly but i know that i need some sort of support and it cant be from my family. they don't know about it because they'd freak out again and they don't know that i've started cutting again and the suicidal thoughts are trickling in again and living seems futile and i don't really know why i'm even here. i brushed my teeth before bed so that's good. i can't remember my last shower, i think it was on my mum's birthday but i might be wrong. call me gross but it just doesn't seem worth it.

i'm relapsing, i don't have the energy to smile so i'm sat on my bed listening to a playlist i just made, writing this though no one will see it and no one could care less anyway.

i need a break, from life, from moving, from thinking, from socialising. i have to see my close friend tomorrow and i can't believe i even said yes. i can't even bring myself to shower, brush my teeth or walk. i need serious help. i almost talked to my mum asking 'why i have these depressive episodes' or whatever you want to call them but it would only raise questions.

maybe medication will help, i hope they give me medication to sort this shit out in my head. how can this be normal. this has lasted about a year before so i need help to get out of this before it gets worse. i have a bad feeling the doctor won't do anything and then i'm really fucked. i can't even walk past the bridge without imagining jumping but i can't because of my dog oona who is always with me and if i killed myself, she'd never find her way home and then she might die chasing after me.

seriously though i need someone to make it stop, make the noise stop make the pain go away. i have no clue how to tell the gp this without getting a phone call to my mum because she can never know how much i'm struggling cause that did nothing last time it just ruined my relationship with her and my sisters.

i think i'm missing something inside of me.

#help #diaryentry #loss #struggles

[thebiasrekkers]

Make It Right [BTS Mafia!AU]

Plot: “It’s always darkest before the dawn…” It’s a dog-eat-dog world in Seoul, South Korea. One has to dwell in the shadows in order to reach for the light. What are you willing to sacrifice in order to feel the sunlight on your face? What will it take to drag you back into darkness? How long will the journey be to make it right?

Rating: NC-17 // NSFW

Genre: Series | Mafia!AU | Crime!AU | Angst | Romance/Fluff

Pairings: Jin x OC | Taehyung/Hoseok x OC | Yoongi/Jungkook x OC

Warnings: Graphic Violence, Heavy Language, Angst, Slow Burn, Smut

Previous Chapters: Prologue 1 2 3 4 5 6 7 8 9 10 11 12 13 14 15 16 17 18 19 20 21 22 23 24 25 26 27 28 29 30 31 32 33 34

Links: FAQ || BTS Masterlist || Admin E’s AO3 || Admin E’s WP || [ REQUESTS ARE OPEN ]

Word Count: 2,832

Tag List: @prisczero​, @pinkpjmin​, @btsaudge​, @flowerwrites06​, @unoriginal-username15432, @halussali​

CHAPTER 34: EPIPHANY

“Underneath the smiling mask, my true self is coming out.”

© thebiasrekkers (Admin E). All rights reserved. Reposting/modifying our work is prohibited. Translations are not allowed. Plagiarism/stealing is not tolerated by any means. Legal action will be taken in instances of theft.

Seoul – Cheongdam; Gangnam District South Korea

Anastasia groaned when she felt someone tugging at her shoulder, attempting to rouse her from her drunken slumber. Her body swayed back and forth and she swatted at the hand pulling her. Her hand fumbled around for the covers and she attempted to yank them up and over her head. Solace was given to her for a moment and she hummed in sleepy contentment.

However, her victory was short-lived when the blanket was completely ripped from her body, exposing her to the open air. Flailing like a toddler throwing a tantrum, Anastasia flopped onto her back and then sprung up into a sitting position. Her dirty blonde hair was messy and tangled but she didn’t care. Instead, she glared up at the person who was destroying her sweet slumber.

“Ana,” Raelyn said while shaking her head, “if you don’t get up and come on.”

Anastasia flung her arms around in various directions, fighting back an oncoming migraine and whining in the process. “Rae Unnie, it’s my day off!”

Raelyn held a glass of water out to her. She took it and automatically opened her other hand to accept the aspirin that was waiting for her. Raelyn smirked when she downed the aspirin and drained the glass.

“I made breakfast,” said the older woman, turning away from her to head down the small flight of stairs from the bedroom loft, “so get washed up and come down to eat.”

“Kay,” was all Anastasia offered before swinging her legs over the edge of the bed.

Not wanting to keep her friend waiting, she opted to wash her face and brush her teeth. She’d shower later. Once she made her way downstairs, Anastasia took note of the folded-up blankets and pillows on the couch. The previous night’s antics played out in her mind and she couldn’t help grinning.

Raelyn suddenly showed up at her door with two big bottles of booze. Anastasia wasn’t one to usually turn down free alcohol, but she also knew that Raelyn wasn’t the type to mindlessly indulge in binge drinking like some college student. There was clearly something on her mind and the only way to chase it away was through booze. Anastasia could relate and since she had the next day off, she didn’t mind spending the evening drinking away.

They played cards, Monopoly, UNO and vegged out on the couch watching Netflix. Neither of them talked about work or the boys. Anastasia could tell that Raelyn wanted to avoid those subjects as much as possible. Everyone deserved a night to escape and there was a part of her that felt bad that they hadn’t included Eden. When it was mentioned, Raelyn said that Eden had other plans. Without having to say it aloud, Anastasia knew that it was with Jungkook. The woman was brutally honest and stubborn, but her affection toward Jungkook was cute.

She would tease her about it relentlessly.

The smells from the kitchen made Anastasia’s stomach groan, reminding her that she was, in fact, starving. It reminded her of when she had her own aspirations to start a restaurant and ultimately failed. It was probably for the best, but that didn’t mean she wasn’t prone to thinking about those days from time to time.

Raelyn whipped them up a traditional Southern Style breakfast of sausage, eggs, grits and toast. A side of sliced strawberries were set on small plates. Anastasia watched her pour a glass of milk and a glass of orange juice for each of them. When everything was set, the two women sidled onto the chairs by the counter and began to eat, neither of them wanting to say anything until they’d gotten a few bites in.

Anastasia swallowed a mouthful of toast and scrambled eggs, washing it down with milk, before finally deciding to break the silence. “So, do you want to talk about it now?”

The fork hovered by Raelyn’s lips and stayed there for a few seconds. She sighed, setting the utensil down on her plate. Anastasia remained quiet, not sure if she should repeat the question. There was a glint in Raelyn’s eyes that almost screamed what was being turned over and over inside of her head. But doing that would mean she hadn’t processed anything; that she hadn’t been sitting on this something for days.

She wouldn’t have shown up with the offer to booze it up if she wasn’t prepared to get her mind right.

Stabbing at a piece of strawberry, Anastasia gripped the utensil and tried to slow her heart rate some. It never usually took Raelyn this long to speak her mind. Especially if something was bothering her. This, in turn, made her uncomfortable. But instead of prodding further, she waited.

She watched Raelyn pressing her hand to her forehead, sighing again. “Everything’s fucked up,” she finally said.

Anastasia blinked, canting her head slightly. “What do you mean?”

Raelyn was now pressing both of her hands to her face. “I mean everything is fucked up, Ana.”

There was a broken tone in her voice that was unfamiliar to Anastasia. She couldn’t help but worry that something terrible had happened. But from what she understood, the boys were doing okay. Their businesses were thriving, and they were walking away from the criminal underworld like they’d dreamed. Raelyn’s reason for worrying wasn’t even a factor anymore. She could date Taehyung freely and without the strain of having to look over her shoulder.

She didn’t understand what the problem was.

Anastasia reached out to place a hand on her friend’s shoulder. “Did something happen?” She paused, brows furrowing. “I mean, besides what happened with Eden Unnie?”

She’d heard about the incident that occurred when Raelyn was dispatched to another hospital. Eden got half a dozen voicemails from her that day and an earful of high-pitched screaming when she finally answered the phone. Regardless of how tough her friends were, Anastasia didn’t want them getting hurt. Not when there wasn’t a need for them to worry about it anymore.

Raelyn shook her head back and forth fervently, her fingers clenching into fists near her forehead. “Things were supposed to get better once they went straight, right?” Anastasia’s brows furrowed when the older woman finally turned to look at her, eyes wide and shaking. “So why does it feel like things are going to get worse?”

“What?” She felt a lump forming in her throat. “What in the world is that supposed to mean? Why would they get worse?”

The older woman laughed, border lining mania, and this caused Anastasia’s hand to fall from her shoulder. “God, how could I have been so fucking stupid? How could I have missed it?”

Anastasia didn’t understand what she was talking about. However, just because she couldn’t understand didn’t mean that the implications weren’t unsettling. It felt like she’d eaten a bag of river stones for breakfast – her stomach heavy and cold.

“Jimin told me something, Ana, and I’m not gonna lie, it rattled the hell out of me.”

“What did he—”

“The boys might be out, but there’s competition that wants them to stay.”

She blinked, unable to believe what she’d just heard.

“Whoa, wait…what?” Again, she blinked. “Why?”

“That’s the million-dollar question, isn’t it?” Raelyn scoffed. “Why in the fuck—”

“—would they want their rivals to stick around when they could just claim the territory the Golden Jackals left for themselves?” Anastasia finished the thought and now it was Raelyn’s turn to look surprised. Averting her gaze, she curled her hand near her chin while glaring at her half-eaten breakfast. “That just doesn’t make sense. Strategically, when competition is gone, that leaves room for a takeover when the option for a merger is no longer on the table.”

From a marketing or bargaining standpoint, attacking the former Golden Jackals would lead to zero gain. She recalled a conversation she had with Seokjin about something similar. When companies refused to go along with mergers, a buyout option was presented. If the buyout option was refused, then eradicating all competition from the board was the next step. But if the competition chose to pull itself from the game, then the remaining competitors usually fought amongst themselves over who would take over what was left behind.

Pulling the competition back that chose to remove themselves would bring them no profit. It would create unrest all over again…

Is someone foaming at the mouth or something?

When she next met Raelyn’s gaze, it was like something dawned on the older woman. Several emotions passed over her face, but the one that Anastasia recognized immediately was anger. Something she’d said apparently set her off.

“They think they’re bluffing.”

“Huh?”

Raelyn stood from her chair suddenly, causing Anastasia to recoil. “They think Hoseok and the others are bluffing!” She began pacing and all Anastasia could do was follow her with her eyes. “They’re not sure if they’ve really dissolved or not. That’s why they’re not launching a war.” She smacked her forehead while letting loose a mirthless laugh. “That’s why the others haven’t started stirring up shit. They’re not sure what Hoseok and the others are going to do!”

Anastasia heard her laugh again, but it sounded terrible, making her skin crawl. “Rae…”

The older woman continued pacing for a few more minutes, muttering things to herself. When she suddenly stopped, Anastasia was halfway out of her seat. The two friends met each other’s gazes and it was like they both thought the same thing at that very same moment.

“What’s going to happen when they find out that it’s true?”

The work week seemed to crawl at a snail’s pace. It was unbearable and Anastasia was sure she would start the process of plucking her own eyeballs out. Seokjin and she hardly had time to see each other at all since he was doing his best to assist Hoseok and Namjoon at the new hotel in Yongsan. Not that she blamed him or needed her hand held. He wouldn’t have hired her if he didn’t think she was capable of handling things without him constantly being in the office.

Jimin being there was a boon and he was always at the ready to assist whenever she needed him. Even when she didn’t, he had coffee and snacks ready – encouraging her to take breaks before she got lost in a mountain of paperwork.

Burying herself in her work, however, was the only way she could successfully chase her worries from her mind.

She’d wanted to pick Jimin’s brain; to figure out what was going on behind the scenes. All she knew was the financial aspect of their businesses. It was her job to maintain it and make sure all the books were up to date. Nothing was out of place and Seokjin wasn’t asking her to fudge the books either. Accounts were stable and clean. No money was laundered since none of their funds were funneling in from an outside source even remotely associated with the criminal underworld.

Yet she couldn’t shake the frustration and worry that radiated from Raelyn. It was bleeding across to her now, making it hard to focus on her job. Seokjin and she were getting closer, sure, and others could clearly see that they were an item. But without him there to reassure her that things were going to be alright, Anastasia felt on edge. Hell, borderline neurotic. She could admit it.

Was their friend, Eden, suffering like this also? When she saw her a few days ago, it didn’t look like it. What was she doing that was different than what either Raelyn or she were? Had the mixed girl gotten her hands on some magic pills, being selfish and unwilling to share?

Wanting to stop by her friend’s shop on her lunch break, she took a breath of air in relief when she arrived and saw that nothing was happening. The garage was closed, a sign hanging out the window saying they were out to lunch and would be back in an hour. Anastasia finished her paperwork early and decided she would take a long lunch, so she had time to kill until her friend got back. Maybe Eden would have some answers to the questions that were constantly nagging at her.

Just as she was about to hail a cab to a nearby café, Anastasia let out a sharp squeak, realizing too late that someone was now in front of her. Her chest bumped into said person, causing her to stumble backwards. The stiletto points of her shoes scraped along the concrete loudly. When she was positive she was going to see the sky, a pair of hands grabbed her shoulders to steady her.

“Whoa,” said a gentle voice, a hint of amusement laced through it, “careful there.”

“I’m so sorry!” Anastasia apologized, taking a step back and bowing her head. “I should have been paying more attention.”

“It’s alright. I was just wondering where the fire was.”

When she finally lifted her head to look up, she saw an unfamiliar man standing in front of her. He had mouse brown hair, umber eyes, and a sweet smile that mirrored in motion with said eyes. Flushing at his appearance, she quickly shifted her gaze to look away from him. She felt more embarrassed than anything else.

“There’s no fire.”

“I can see that.” She moved to look at him again just as the man brushed some of his hair out of his eyes. “Were you here for an appointment?”

“Oh, no,” she said with a laugh, “I just came to see my friend. Looks like I just missed them.”

He slipped his hands into the pockets of his slacks. “In this day and age, you didn’t think to call her ahead of time?”

Anastasia pressed her hand against the side of her neck, giving a shy laugh while shrugging one shoulder. “I suck at surprises?” She laughed again until a thought struck her, causing a tiny shiver to shoot down her spine. Her hand slid slowly from her neck, falling to her side as she began narrowing her eyes at the stranger in front of her. “How did you know my friend’s a girl?”

“I assumed.”

“Assumed that I don’t have guy friends?” Anastasia took a step back when she saw the man’s gaze darken, his smile remaining. “Or that you already know who owns this shop?”

The man laughed, shrugging and then taking a step forward. She took another step back. He leaned forward, peering at her like he was examining a specimen in a jar.

“Clever girl,” he mused, straightening to his full height, “it didn’t take you long to pick up on that. No wonder you’re their financial advisor.”

Her eyes narrowed further. Anastasia didn’t appreciate being mocked. “…and who the fuck are you?”

“Ya, Yoo Kihyun,” called a familiar voice from the sidewalk. They both looked to see Yoongi approaching them and Anastasia felt a wave of relief wash over her. “What do you think you’re doing?”

Kihyun gave a lazy smile but there was no warmth in the gesture. Anastasia shuffled a few steps back when Yoongi closed the distance between them. He made a point to place himself in front of Anastasia, shielding her from the man who was getting his kicks out of messing with her. She had half a mind to throw her shoe at him.

Peering at him over Yoongi’s shoulder, Anastasia maintained vigilance as the other man scrutinized over her rescuer.

“Ah, Yoongi-ah. It’s been so long.”

She heard Yoongi scoff. “Not long enough. Now answer me: what do you think you’re doing?” Kihyun said nothing. “Actually, a better question: why are you here?”

“No reason,” he dismissed and Anastasia bit back her urge to pop off, “curiosity mostly.”

“I’m not surprised. You’ve always been a sick, twisted little fuck.” Anastasia blinked at the barbs coming from Yoongi. She gasped when he suddenly turned around to look at her. “When Eden gets back, don’t tell her about this.”

“Huh? But why?”

“Please, Ana-ssi,” he said, his brows furrowing.

Swallowing the lump in her throat, she finally nodded – albeit reluctantly. Yoongi’s expression relaxed somewhat and he bowed his head.

“Thank you.” He then turned around to face Kihyun. “You’re done here, Kihyun-ah. You talk to me now.” Yoongi strolled past the other man, not so much as giving him a backwards glance. “Follow me.”

Kihyun smirked, winked at Anastasia, and then followed after Yoongi as was demanded of him. Anastasia wasn’t sure of what to make of that encounter, but she knew she would have to thank Yoongi properly when she got the chance. Kihyun’s smile may have been charming, but the way he carried himself suggested something cold and unfeeling.

It left a knot in Anastasia’s stomach.

Is he one of the guys Rae was talking about? she thought, frowning, …are they the ones trying to pull them back?

#bangtanarmynet #btsbookclub #btswriterscollective #btsnoonanet #ficswithluv #bts #bts fanfiction #bts fanfics #bts fanfic #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts mafia #bts mafia au #bts mafia!au #bts crime #bts crime au #bts crime!au #bts ot7 #bts ot7 fanfiction #bts ot7 fanfic #bts ot7 fanfics #bts x angst #bts angst #bts x romance #bts romance #bts x smut #bts smut #bts x violence #bts violence #yoongi

[midnightartemis]

~Chapter Six~

Read Me Here 

View A03 for warnings

No one ever picked her.

She’d gotten so used to it that the thought of anyone ever actually choosing her, wanting to hang out with her, wanting to just be with her made her head hurt. It just wasn’t possible. It felt like a prank. Like someone was going to jump out of the bushes and it would all be some massive joke to them. To him. That she wanted to feel wanted. That she wanted.

She can feel his eyes on her like a gentle caress. He keeps looking at her and she doesn’t understand why so she stares at the stars instead until she works up the courage to look back.

He doesn’t look away. Doesn’t pretend to not be drinking in every bit of her he can take. “Why are you looking at me like that?”

“Like what?” Ben plays it innocently.

“Like…” Like I hold all your answers to the universe. Like I’m as fragile and as strong as I feel. Like you want to tell me all your secrets. Like I can say mine back. Like the night makes room for the light. Rey swallows and looks back up at the stars. “I don’t know. Never mind.”

He lets it go. She knows what he’s doing. She knows he’s slowly trying to gain her trust. And she’s letting him do it. She’s falling for it every time.

“I dropped out. I didn’t blow up the chem lab. There was a small incident involving cesium and a misunderstanding. But… no one got hurt and no one cared.”

“Why’d you drop out then?”

“I… Everything went to shit after my dad died. I moved back with her for a bit after that. I was going to UC in Coruscant where she lived anyway. But that meant leaving Corellia. Leaving the others.” Ben shook his head. “I think I reminded her too much of him. Cause moving in with her only made it worse. And I was so angry. So alone. And nothing got better when I moved into the dorms so I dropped out.”

Rey let her hand creep slowly across the hood of the car until she felt his skin brush against hers. It sent a warm buzz up her arm like she was touching a low voltage live wire. Her heart raced as his pinky overlapped with hers. She dared not look at him and she slipped her hand completely into his. “You’re not alone. Not anymore.”

“Neither are you.”

Rey met his warm eyes. If he was playing games with her, he didn’t show it. Maybe his poker face was pro-level. Maybe he really believed he wanted her. She chose to believe him. She chose to trust the ache in her heart.

“I haven’t told my mom yet though,” Ben says. “I haven’t talked to her in a while. I don’t even think she knows where I am.”

“What’s she like?”

He plays with his finger over her hand, dragging it back and forth over her skin. “I blamed her for a lot of things growing up. For leaving my dad. For leaving me with him. For not fighting hard enough for me. She’s… I’ve never been her first priority. It was better if I just fucked off in Corellia. She’ll love you though.”

Rey’s throat tightened. He wanted her to meet his mom. He wanted-

“She will?”

Her voice comes out tight and high. She didn’t know what scared her more- that he wanted her to meet his mom or that she wanted to.

“Yeah.” Ben rolled over to face her, so close he could just lean down to kiss her. Rey didn’t move. “I think you owe me two secrets.”

Rey bit back a smile as she thought back to that night on the couch. “I don’t have that many.”

“I’m sure there is something.”

Rey sighed but only succeeded in catching the musky, rich scent of him.  She let herself look at him. Let herself wonder what it would feel like to run her fingers through his hair. To have him on top of her. “I steal slushies from the 7-Eleven.”

“Red and blue ones.” Ben grins.

“Yeah.”

“That’s one.”

Rey glanced at his lips. “And… I want to kiss you.”

“That’s not a secret.” Ben gives a low laugh.

Rey rolled her eyes and shoved his shoulder. “You’re a dick.”

“That’s also not a secret, sweetheart.” He’s close enough for her to feel the heat of his breath against her lips.

“I gave the first guy who kissed me a black eye.”

“Poor bastard.” Ben’s lips brushed against hers like a promise. Her body came to life at his touch. Rivers of want pooled in her core. She wanted nothing more than to drag him closer.

“He deserved it,” Rey whispered.

“I have no doubt.”

She pressed herself up to meet his warm lips. He took her in with a small gasp of surprise. She kissed him softly, her lips explored his, her tongue darting out to taste. A whimper escaped her lips as his tongue greedily pushed back. Rey lifted her hand to caress his cheek and lips when she broke away for a breath.

“Is this okay?” Ben breathes, his eyes hooded as he looks down at her. Rey doesn’t answer as she finally– finally– runs her fingers through incredibly soft, thick, raven hair. She pulls him down to meet her.

He’s being careful; his hands stay away from her, his lips soft against the cut on her lip. She doesn’t want that anymore. She can’t worry about this all being a big joke at her expense because it can’t be. Because no one kisses like this when they’re joking. No one is this gentle when they don’t give a fuck.

She breaks away just barely, her lips brushing against his as she whispers, “Touch me.”

His eyes, dark with need, met hers as his hand trailed over her hips and waist skipping over her chest to brush over her jaw and set her skin on fire. “Please, please, please promise you’ll tell me if you want me to stop. I won’t– I can’t– if anything happens to you because of me…”

“I promise.” Rey runs her thumb against the prickly dark stubble on his chin and caresses his wet lips. “I want this.”

Even if it’s just for the night. Even if I wake up tomorrow and you’re gone like everyone else. Even if it’s only to win a stupid bet and take what Kuruk thought was his.

When Ben kisses her again, everything has changed. His tongue and lips devour her, his teeth nibble and pull gently at her lip. His hands pull her closer, impossibly close, until she feels the weight of him on top of her. Her mind is lost in a chaotic orchestra of touch and taste and sound. All she wants is to get closer to him. Her hands drift from his hair to his back, her fingertips exploring the planes of muscle over his shirt. She shifts her hips until he’s completely on top of her half lying between her legs on the hood of his car. She moans into his mouth as his free hand drifts down to hold her waist and pull her in. Heat pools between her legs and begs for friction as she hitches her legs around his waist and cants her hips.

“Fuck, Rey.”

She doesn’t understand how he’s still speaking. All words are gone from her head, all she knows is him.

His lips leave her mouth and kiss sloppy trails down her neck as she wantonly grinds against him. She desperately tries to pull him closer, to feel him against her. Her short nails claw down his back and Ben groans against her ear.

Rey curses softly as hot tendrils of fire twist down her spine to her core.

“Want you.”

She whimpers as Ben pulls away instead, his hot breaths coming out as shuttering pants. “Fuck.”

He shudders and rests his head against her shoulder, cursing softly again. “I don’t have a condom.”

“I…” Rey stopped herself. She had the pill but it had been days since she took it. It was still back at Plutt’s anyways. All of her stuff was. Not that any of it was of any value. “We can get some. Or, go back to the apartment. Or…”

“We can wait. It can wait. I don’t want to rush you. I don’t want to rush us.” Ben swallowed nervously as he looked down at her.

Rey frowned. “Have you never-”

Ben went quiet, his mind drifting off elsewhere. “It’s just been a while.”

“Oh.”

“Have you… ever…”

Rey looks away from him, unable to take in his reaction as she shakes her head. “No. I’ve just- I’ve never been able to let anyone touch me before.”

Ben goes quiet.

“Did I do something wrong?”

She hates it. She hates how desperate she sounds. How quiet he got. She can barely see him in the dark, can’t make out the look on his face.

“I don’t think you could ever do anything wrong,” Ben says quietly. “I’m the one who fucks up in this. I’m the one who fucks up everything good in my life.”

His words settle around her in a heavy haze that she can’t quite comprehend. She means something to him. She means something and she can’t understand why.

“We should go back,” she whispers, “before Trudge and Ushar burn the place down.”

Ben laughs softly and the haze dissipates. “They probably shouldn’t be left alone.”

“The death threats do get worse when they play Mortal Kombat.”

Ben slides off of her to the ground and offers her a hand to help her down. Rey takes it without hesitation.

They wind back down the foothill in the dark. Rey abandons the passenger seat for the middle, getting as close to Ben as she can with a shifter in the way. His forearm rests across her thighs, his hand in the shift stick. She can’t stop herself from watching his hands flex as he shifts between gears. It could be classified as torture to watch.

He keeps wiggling beside her uncomfortably. Rey notices after about the sixth time when they come to a stop. She raises her brow and Ben sheepishly shifts again. “I… might have to take a cold shower when we get back.”

“Don’t worry. Seeing Kuruk is enough of a cold shower.”

Ben laughs and Rey’s grin turns stupidly big. She wants to hear him laugh for the rest of her life. She can’t seem to wipe the grin off her face as they cruise through the mostly vacant side streets of Corellia.

A sinking twisting feeling engulfs her when she sees APs car in the parking lot. He’d be up there. Kuruk would be up there— though he had looked so blitzed he might not remember anything by morning. Trudge and Ushar… well, she could always count on them to be blissfully oblivious to everything, but the moment they caught on, she’d never hear the end of it. She’d have to break their boards again. It was the reason she never got with any of them before— it was too messy. There was too much room for awkwardness. It would be too easy for her to become nothing but a thing to them. Some conquest to boast about.

Ben shuts off the car and starts to get out before he notices that she’s not moving. She’s just looking up at the few lit windows of the apartment, biting her lip. Contemplating. Everything had happened so quickly. She hadn’t even meant to show up to the park. She just kinda did. Because it was natural. Because she wanted to see him again. Because she needed one part of her life to not hurt for a second.

A dark part of her had wanted Ben to find out. It knew that Ben would fly into a rage– the same way he had when he saw Kuruk grabbing her at the party. It was the same dark part of her that had fantasized about feeding Plutt his heart medication until he choked on it. Or running him through with a knife. Or squeezing his bulbous excuse of a neck until those beady eyes popped out.

She stopped Ben from doing that the same way she always stopped herself. They were the outcasts. Society's scapegoats. The fingers would always, eventually, land on them.

Rey hadn’t planned to stay at the loft. That’s why she hadn’t packed. Hadn’t left a well crafted false trail of her plans to run away. But when Ben looked at her like that– when just touching him flipped the switch from beast to man– she couldn’t imagine going back.

And then they kissed and he bought her McDonald’s and took her to a place no one else knew about and told her his secrets and fuck she knew that was a low bar but no one had ever given her anything. Trusted her. Wanted her.

Her heart was racing as her throat constricted and Ben was asking her what was wrong and it was all too much. It was all- Her hand was on the door handle and she was out of the car and running across the parking lot to the giant field of dead grass. She ran until her lungs screamed and her legs threatened to give out.

“Maker. Fuck, you’re fast.”

She would have lost her breath if it wasn’t gone already as she turned to see Ben keeled over and huffing behind her. She could barely make out his shape in the dim light from the moon and distant city lights.

He came after me.

“Rey, come back to the car. I’m about ninety-nine percent sure there’s rattlesnakes out here.”

He raced out here after me when I acted like a crazy person and ran.

“Please talk to me. Say something.” He sounded desperate. Terrified.

Why?

“It’s… I…” The words barely crossed her lips. “Is this– Do you know about the bet?”

“What bet?”

“The one the guys made about me.”

Ben goes still and quiet and a choked sob escapes from her lips. “No! No. I wasn’t in on it. I wasn’t. They told me about it. Kuruk bragged about it. Rey, I would never do that to you. Come back to the loft, please.”

“Am I just some game to, I don’t know, fucking assert your dominance?”

“No.” He said it in a way that told her he already had.

“Then why did you come after me.”

“Why did I– of course, I came after you. You ran into the middle of a fucking snake-infested field at two in the morning, Rey! Can we please talk about this somewhere else? Please?”

Her heart still raced as her mind desperately tried to believe, to understand what he was saying to her.

“Rey, please. I haven’t stopped thinking about you from the moment I first saw you.”

She remembered that moment deep in her soul. Like the universe had shifted around her.

“I wanted to murder Kuruk because he kept making you uncomfortable. I almost did when I saw him grabbing you. And if I’ve done anything ever to make you feel like that I will throw myself off a bridge. And I know, I know that you can fend for yourself. That you’re strong and powerful and terrifying sometimes. But you shouldn’t have to all the time. You don’t have to be alone.”

You’re not alone.

“I’m not going to leave unless you want me to.” In the darkness, Ben reached his hand out to her. Hands shaking, Rey reached back.

When her fingers brush against him, everything hits her all at once. Her stomach twists as her heart aches. Her tears which she had stubbornly kept from falling crashed over her cheeks in rivers. She felt powerful and powerless at the same time like she could rule the world or it could crumble beneath her feet. The control that she so tightly clung to began to slip from her hands to his.

She might have kissed him again if there wasn’t the telltale rattle of a very angry rattlesnake to her left. They both froze, not daring to breathe as the rattle grew louder. She couldn’t tell where the creature was in the tall, dark sea of grasses.

Fuck fuck fuck fuck

Her lungs tightened as her legs refused to move, her eyes searching the darkness for some sort of movement. Anything to give her a clear idea of where the beast could be. She didn’t know what she would do when she found it. She didn’t think she could do anything.

It was only when Ben yanked on her arm that she turned and sprinted back towards the lights of the loft. His hand never left hers as he pulled her along. Kept her feet moving, even as her lungs burned from lack of air. They didn’t stop until they reached pavement.

“Are… you… okay?” Ben gasped beside her as she wheezed.

She couldn’t speak, only nod frantically. It was several minutes before she fully caught her breath again. Several minutes to bask in her own sheer stupidity. He must be thinking that she was a psycho. No sane person just randomly runs into the middle of a field because they’re scared of a little commitment. Right?

He came after you. That has to stand for something. That has to.

Rey closed her eyes and pressed her face into her hands. “I’m sorry. I don’t know why I did that. I do, actually, but it’s stupid. I’m stupid. Fuck. I’m sorry.”

“You’re not the only one who runs when things get scary,” Ben says quietly. He doesn’t elaborate, only takes her hand in his and leads her inside.

I run away when things are good

And never really understood

The way you laid your eyes on me

In ways that no one ever could

And so it seems I broke your heart

My ignorance has struck again

I failed to see it from the start

And tore you open 'til the end

And I'm sorry to my unknown lover

Sorry that I can't believe that anybody ever really

Starts to fall in love with me

Sorry to my unknown lover

Sorry I could be so blind

Didn't mean to leave you

And all of the things that we had behind

- Sorry , Halsey

#reylo #kylo x rey #ben solo x rey #reylo fanfiction #reylo fanfic

[dumbcuckbucket]

i uhh wrote a thing and i just need to put it somewhere and forget it exists.

no one talks about the ugly nights when youre chronically ill. you hear about the bad nights, the dangerous nights, and occasionally even the good nights. but you rarely hear about the nights when someone lays awake in bed, crying from pain that they cant stop and wondering why the fuck they deserve to feel this way.

why am i, at twenty, so tired of living in so much pain all the time, that im questioning life? not in a suicidal way, let me make that very clear. ive been actively suicidal before, and this is different. i want to stop existing, but i dont want to die. i simply want to stop hurting.

why is it that when the sun comes up and ive gotten little to no sleep, my body still screaming in pain, must i pretend i am okay? brush it off as simply a life i am used to and thats that. i am used to it, but why must that be okay? why must i exist this way?

around nine i will roll out of bed and pretend my joints dont burn and that my head doesnt weep and act as if i havent spent the better part of the night terrified of how my illness will affect my future and silently sobbing about it. i’ll feed my dog and take him out. there’s some fresh air. its nice, but i’m tired. i want to lay down again.

i’ll shower, which will take so much of my energy that i do not have anymore. i’ll make phone calls. it seems like all my life is is phone calls, and then spaces between calls where life moves around me and i make no progress. i’ll call my doctor and ask for blood tests to see if my meds are working. i’ll call a different doctor to make sure my referral was granted by my other doctor. if it hasnt been, i’ll call that doctor.

i have an appointment at 11. its supposed to help. im getting screened for adhd and other mental disabilities that may be affecting my studies. what doesnt affect my studies anymore? im stressed about work, im stressed about my family, im stressed about covid and money and my studies and i am so tired. its supposed to help. i am already so resigned to hear that theres nothing wrong, because nothing is ever wrong if i dont fight and get different opinions. i am so fucking tired of fighting. i hope i get the help i need, because i dont think i can keep trying to get it.

my mom died. did i tell you that? two years ago, right after i moved away for college. her birthday is in 9 days. i wish i could talk to her. its hard, holding resentment for someone because of how they treated you while missing them so deeply it feels like a bullet wound.

her funeral was weird. it never really hit me that she died. i mean, i know shes dead. ive known. but when the treatments stopped and the cancer spread, she died long before her heart stopped. i wish i had better memories. i know there had to be good ones there, but i only remember the bad and the dying.

its crazy that of all the things that could be wrong with me, its chronic shitting disease. it feels like a joke. trying to talk about a chronic illness in almost any setting is hard enough. imagine that chronic illness relating to poop. it sucks.

after my appointment i have to go pick up a prescription. i hope it helps. it needs to help, because i am so tired of doctors and phone calls and the ever piling list of meds that dont work. having medication lists sent to new doctors and having to say “no i stopped that one when i started this one” and “that one didnt work” over and over and over gets exhausting. i don’t remember half of the meds they name anymore.

my roommates dont understand. i wish they did. they dont realize how hard it is for me to brush my teeth, let alone cook and clean. then to have to socialize with them at the end of the day feels like pulling teeth. i love them. theyre my best friends, my tether to life when i feel like im floating while the world moves without me. i just wish they understood.

i’ll try to go to class after i get my prescription. i’ll log on and ignore it, like i always do. i’ll lay down in bed with my computer muted, looking through twitter or looking at etsy. anything to not deal with the real world for a few minutes. the real world is so exhausting.

im still crying, but its fine. this is my life, its how it is. im used to it. its okay. (a lie, but a good one).

i’ll call my dad. i’ll lie when he asks how i am. i’ll tell him im tired because i havent slept well this week (lie of omission). he’ll ask how im feeling. i’ll tell him im fine (a direct lie). ill tell him about my appointment and my new inhaler and all the calls ive made. i’ll make a joke about how much it all fucking sucks (not a joke, but my tone doesnt let the truth out). he’ll tell me about his days off. he’ll tell me about work, and the grocery shopping he did, and how he still has laundry and that he hasnt done anything in the garage yet. he’ll tell me what hes making for dinner. i’ll say it sounds good (a lie; nothing sounds good to me anymore) and i’ll say im jealous (a truth; i miss his food). we’ll sit in silence for a bit, then he’ll say “well i gotta get going” and we’ll say goodbye. he’ll say i love you. i’ll say it back (the final truth). one of us will remember something to talk about. we’ll say goodbye again.

i’ll lay down again, and while the sun is out i wont think about how much i hate this. how i, at twenty, dont deserve this. how i have had my future robbed from me so i can make calls and appointments and run through a mile long list of medications.

my dog will lay down with me, and i will feel guilty for not taking him to the park to play.

i’ll remember i have to pay rent. i get up to do it. i bring my dog, and we go to the park. he runs himself hard, so we only stay for half an hour. we’ll go home, he’ll be happy, and i’ll be exhausted. i’ll go lay down and vaguely think about my school work. i wont do it. i’ll let my roommates decide what we do for the night. i’ll try to make some food, or order something. they’ll make fun of me, not realizing it hurts that they dont see that being alive is so hard for me. they dont understand, but thats okay. it has to be okay.

ive stopped crying. my knees and ankles and elbows and fingers still hurt. my stomach churns and my head is pounding, but im used to it. its okay. it has to be okay.

#mine #my post #jes talks #jes writes #chronic illness #crohns #long post #suicide tw #not suicidal but it is mentioned #death tw #ask to tag #personal #okay to rb

[horansqueen]

AM Conversations : chapter 15

A Niall Horan fanfiction ; rated MA

CHAPTER 1 || CHAPTER 2 || CHAPTER 3 || CHAPTER 4 || CHAPTER 5 || CHAPTER 6 || CHAPTER 7 || CHAPTER 8 || CHAPTER 9 || CHAPTER 10 || CHAPTER 11 || CHAPTER 12 || CHAPTER 13 || CHAPTER 14

NOTES:

-one chapter is her pov, the next is his. -4.2k. -im sorry, i never proofread, i hate it. -there WILL be smut. but not only smut. -this is a romance, comedy, smut story. -for the summary, check my MASTERLIST.

- IF YOU WANT TO BE NOTIFIED WHEN THIS IS UPDATED, I THOUGHT I COULD START A TAG LIST SO LET ME KNOW. IF YOU’D RATHER BE NOTICED IN PRIVATE, MESSAGE ME TOO PLEASE!

- THERE IS SMUT IN THIS CHAPTER. not a lot. and not super explicit, but just a fair warning.

- this is mostly about Liv and Harry. I hope you still enjoy.

-is this story getting boring? i really really need to know!

- thank you so much for all the asks i get. you guys make me so happy. i cant even explain. thank you forever. i love you!!!

-tbh idk what i think of this chapter meh im not super proud i admit :X

-please, message me, give me feedbacks, it would mean sooo much to me!

Chapter 15 : Her chapter

OLIVIA

When I woke up, I kept my eyes closed and reached out to find Niall but groaned when I realized I was alone. I didn't remember him trying to wake me up by shaking me or threatening me to do something embarrassing and I ended up thinking I must really have been out of it.

i tried to remember the whole conversation I had with Niall the night before and I shook my head with a sigh, my eyes still closed. I was an idiot. He looked good, he was sweet, and I had been so close to kiss him. That would have been an extremely stupid move. Not only would it ruin our friendship, but just a few hours before that, I was kissing Harry. It was a miracle I had initiated a first kiss, it would have been insane to think I could initiate a second one on the exact same night.

I rolled on myself, ending up in the middle of the bed, on my back, and my eyes fluttered open. I stared at the ceiling for a few minutes and finally forced myself out of bed. I was impatient to see Niall but nervous to see Harry. What were we supposed to tell each other? What did that kiss mean anyway? What was the next step? Knowing Harry, these were all useless questions. He was laid-back and never really bothered with labels. I was the total opposite. Everything was so much better when it was clear and said. Still, I didn't want to rush anything and I had no intention to have that kind of serious conversation with him 12 hours after our first kiss.

I took a quick shower and dressed up before brushing my teeth and rushing downstairs. The house was extremely quiet and I frowned, looking through every open door to find someone. I ended up in the kitchen and my heart skipped a beat when I saw Harry making food.

"What are you doing?" I asked with a frown, my lips curled into a smile. "Where is everyone?"

"Oh shit, I wanted to surprise you with breakfast in bed," he let out as toasts popped out of the toaster. "I guess it's ruined."

I raised my eyebrows and chuckled, crossing my arms over my chest.

"Well, I apologize."

"No, no!" he argued, shaking his head. "Should have worked a bit faster."

I watched him run around for a few more seconds and he finally put a full plate on the table, placing a very similar one right in front. I took a step closer as he showed me the chair with his hand. We both sat down and I leaned my chin on my hand, my elbow on the table.

"Are you trying to impress me with your cooking skills?" I asked with a smirk.

"Maybe, is it working?" he answered, his lips curling more.

"Maybe."

We started eating and I noticed how we kept glancing at each other. The nervousness I had felt earlier was gone but the thumping of my heart against my rib cage was still present. Perhaps I liked Harry more than I thought.

"So, why are we alone?" I asked after a few minutes of silence, looking up at him.

He did the same and chuckled, leaning against his chair and taking a sip of coffee.

"I sort of asked Niall to take everyone to the beach?" he admitted, scratching the back of his head.

He looked embarrassed and I liked it. I nodded slowly and tried to restrain a chuckle. I didn't even want to know how Niall reacted. I was a bit lost at the way he was acting recently. Sometimes, I felt like he wanted Harry and I to finally be together but some other times, I could swear he still thought Harry would break my heart. Either way, he was respecting his promise to not come between whatever Harry and I had and I was grateful for that.

"And besides breakfast in bed, what else did you have in mind?" I asked curiously, staring at him. "Or maybe you thought we'd stay in bed?"

This time, he laughed and I joined him. He pushed his plate away and took the last sip of his coffee before diving his gaze in mine again.

"Are you trying to get in my pants?"

I didn't answer but laughed and rolled my eyes. The truth was, I wouldn't be against some action. It's been so long since I felt someone's hands on me it was driving me insane. When we had kissed the night before, I could have sworn it had made my whole body throb. It anticipated what could happen and I felt like I disappointed it by not going further. Is that even possible? To disappoint your own body and mind?

"When's the last time you had sex, Harry?" I asked daringly, raising my eyebrows.

My questions surprised it at first and his eyes got bigger but after a few seconds, his lips curled again and he laughed.

"You're really one of a kind." he pointed out, licking his lips. "I don't know, I'm pretty sure I met someone when the tour started?"

I thought he knew how straight forward I was by then but apparently, I could still startle him. Even Niall was surprised by my behavior sometimes, so I didn't think anything bad of it.

"Are you trying to tell me you didn't get into anyone's pants since the tour started?"

"I wanted to but every time I could have, I preferred to stay at the hotel or in the tour bus with a cute brunette who chokes on jello."

"I'm never gonna get out of this one, will I?"

He laughed again and shook his head, moving closer to the table and intertwining his fingers, his hands on the table.

"No, you won't." he pointed out. "You want to know why?"

Every time Harry talked, I was curious to find out what he was going to say next. He knew how to make me smile, he knew how to make me melt, and with an other glance at his hands, I was pretty sure he knew how to make me cum.

"Why?" I wondered, raising my eyebrows as I tried to stop thinking about specific parts of his body.

"Because that's when I realized how much I liked you." he explained, the right corner of his lips curling fondly. "I mean I knew I liked you, I knew I wanted to kiss you, but on that night?" He shrugged. "I don't know, I realized it was more than a stupid little crush. It was more than infatuation. It was stronger."

The traits of my face softened quickly at his words. I was not even sure I deserved this, I was not sure I deserved him, and I felt extremely selfish because I knew I was going to go for it even if my mind was telling me not to. I was going to spend time with Harry, get to know him even better, and maybe even go further.

"You know exactly what to say and when to say it." I just pointed out in a whisper. "Maybe we should go in bed right now."

This time, a loud laughter boomed out of him and the way he closed his eyes was endearing. I stared at the cute crinkles on the corners of his eyes and my gaze traveled down to his perfect lips and straight teeth. Why did a guy so fucking perfect had feelings for someone plain and boring like me? I knew physical appearance was not a criteria, or at least I knew it was less and less important the older you get, but someone like Harry could get anyone. I was pretty sure there were many girls out there who would be a thousand times prettier, smarter and funnier. There were a thousand girls out there who had an amazing personality along with a perfect body. Why was Harry losing his time on me?

"We should go to the lake instead, what do you think?"

I chuckled and nodded, grabbing my mug and taking a sip of my cold coffee to hide the redness of my cheeks.

"Why did you ask me about the last time I had sex?" he questioned after a while. "Are you scared I cheated on you?"

I rolled my eyes again but shook my head.

"No, silly. Even if you had, it clearly wouldn't be cheating." I explained with a shrug. "I just asked because I haven't had sex in so long I can't remember when it happened last."

"That's... impossible. And sad. I mean, how can you not remember?"

If I racked my brain, I thought it was probably with the last person I dated but I just grimaced and shrugged again. It was not worth trying to remember, I was sure about it.

"Maybe I just don't want to."

"I can definitely understand that." He chuckled and nodded. "Okay, go get prepared, I'll clean a bit and we can leave."

He got up and I did the same quickly, walking to him and putting my hands on his shoulders. He had our two plates in hands and I just got on my tiptoes again to kiss him. I didn't make the kiss grow but I closed my eyes, feeling the softness of his lips against mine.

"Unfair." he breathed when I moved back from a few inches. "You did that when both my hands were busy."

I laughed and moved back down on my feet, raising my nose a bit.

"You can use your hands later, Harry."

                                                         ---

I dropped my stuff on the dark sand, putting my phone on my towel and letting my eyes roam on the lake as soon as we got there. Harry stood next to me but quickly took his shirt off, sending me an amused smile. I tried to keep my eyes up into his but ended up glancing down at his chest, making him laugh.

"It's a bit unfair, you know?" he asked jokingly with an other chuckle. "You keep this shirt on but I'm dying to see you without it."

I felt both my cheeks turn a soft shade of red and cleared my throat looking away. I was so insecure about my body that even being in a swimsuit bothered me, and somehow, I was sure he could tell. We both knew I was nothing like the girls he usually hangs out with, even less the girls he dates, and i tried to push away the thought that crawled evilly in my head. What if this was all a big fat joke? Or worse, what if he pitied me enough to give me that kind of attention, at least for a while?

"Are you scared of what i'll think of you?" he asked with a small frown, looking concerned. "Because you really don't have to."

I scoffed and rolled my eyes, taking a step closer to the lake until my toes were in the water. How could I explain this to him without sounding desperate for compliments?

"All the girls here look amazing, I mean, have you seen Maya?" I just asked rhetorically, raising my eyebrows but still avoiding his gaze. "All the girls you've been with are models, Harry. I'm not stupid and I read gossips."

We remained silent for a few minutes and i held my breath when I saw him move from the corner of my eyes. He stopped behind me and he was so close I could feel the warmth of his body on mine, making my heartbeats accelerate. Gently, he brought his hands to my shoulders and lets his fingertips brush on the skin of my arms. I felt goosebumps appear on my skin but tried to remain motionless. One of his hands moved back slowly, pushing  my hair over one of my shoulders and I felt his breath on my neck.

"You don't have to take it off if you don't want to." he whispered, his lips barely touching my neck. "But I promise I love all of you."

I knew the word was random but I felt my whole body stiffen when he said 'love'. We were far from reaching that stage but I just kept quiet and licked my lips, keeping my bottom one between my teeth. He trailed kisses on my neck and my eyes fluttered close as I tilted my head to give him better access. I hadn't been touched in so long, whether it was sexually or romantically, and I was craving his touch more than I wanted to admit.

"Tell me if you want me to stop." he breathed close to my ear again.

I nodded and felt his arms wrap loosely around me. I sucked my belly in when his hands slipped under my shirt and all I could think about was that he was used to flat stomachs and firm bodies. When was the last time I actually exercised? Months ago, probably?

"Please, relax." he let out in a murmur. "You're perfect."

I felt his hands move up again and reach my breasts, bringing an intense throbbing between my legs. It was sad but I could already feel myself get excited and I cursed at myself mentally for that while I shut my eyes tighter.

"Do you know how many times I thought about touching you?"

His voice was slightly huskier and my lips parted at the sound. I didn't know where to focus anymore and when he reached up for the straps of my bathing suit, I knew I was fucked.

"You're not gonna fuck me here, Harry, are you?"

He chuckled low and I felt him shake his head.

"No, I just want to touch you."

I felt his fingertips run on my breasts and stop on my nipples and he took a step closer. He was so close I could feel his half-hard cock rub slightly and gently against my ass and it made me swallow hard. I hadn't touched myself since... since Niall caught me. My eyes opened suddenly and I glanced at my phone, moving slightly in Harry's arms.

"Do you want me to stop?" he asked as his hands stopped moving over me.

I tried not to think about my best friend and I finally turned around, feeling his hands slip out of my shirt. I pushed my hair behind my shoulders and took a step back, sending him a smile.

"I think we should swim a bit."

He sent me an amused smile and shook his head as I chuckled.

"You're rare, Olivia." he let out loud enough to be sure i'd hear. "You know that, right?"

I laughed again and shrugged, turning around and getting completely in the water, immersing my head for a few seconds as I tried to calm the beatings of my heart. I liked Harry, then why did I always end up thinking about Niall? After all, I stood no chance with him while Harry was ready to let me in and give me a chance. A chance I was not sure I deserved.

When I got my head out to get air, I noticed Harry very close to me. He smiled at me fondly and pulled me closer. I expected the kiss as his warm lips pressed on mine and slowly, I brought my arms around his neck and felt his hands on my back, over my shirt.

"You know that half my bathing suit is just... hanging down." I pointed out as I laughed against his mouth. "Fortunately, I have a shirt."

"Or unfortunately, depends who you ask." he replied as we both laughed. "You can always just take it off. Ever been skinny dipping?"

I moved my face away slightly and shook my head.

"No!" I let out a bit too loud. "You remember we kissed for the first time yesterday, right?"

He sent me a smirk and shrugged.

"Would you rather take your time?"

My smile faltered a bit and finally turned into a loving one. I licked my lips and brought them back on his, wrapping my arms tighter around his neck. I could feel his wet hair tickle my shoulders and neck and I loved it.

"No." I admitted in a whisper after a few more kisses. "In fact, I want all this to go quicker."

He laughed a bit against my mouth and his pulled me closer, hugging me against his body.

"That can be arranged."

He brought me out of the water, still kissing me deeply, and I noticed our height difference when my feet met the sand again. i felt his lips detach from mine slowly and I groaned low, making him laugh.

"Are you always impatient like that?" he wondered, placing a towel around me , making sure it covered all of me before rubbing his hands on my arms to warm me.

"No."

My answer made his lips curl more and he held out his hand for me. I stared at it a few seconds before slipping my fingers in it. When he squeezed my hand in his and pulled on my arm to incite me to follow him, I felt my heart skip a beat.

"I'm special, then?" he questioned, glancing at me, as we walked back to the lodge.

"Perhaps."

I felt like the walk back took an eternity but when he closed the sliding door behind us, I brought my shoulders closer to my face, keeping the towel around my body. The AC was on and I shivered a few times.

"I think I'll go take a hot shower." I just said, sending him a small smile.

I left the bathroom's door open and he waited for me, sitting on the bed, as I tried to warm myself under the hot stream of water. I held myself against the wall and allowed myself to think about Niall and wondered what he was doing.

I got out and looked at the clothes I brought with me intensely and for a while. I was torn between dressing up completely or partially and I could feel my heartbeats throb all over my body. I was nervous and scared but I wanted this and I knew I would regret it if I didn't do it. There was nothing worse than regretting not doing something. I decided to just wear my panties and a dry shirt and breathed in deeply before getting back in the room. Harry looked up and his lips curled immediately at my sight. I liked the feeling and I took a few steps closer, stopping right in front of him. He looked up at me and we stared at each other for a few seconds.

"You have no idea how bad I wanted to join you."

His words made me smile and slowly, I put one of my knees on the bed next to his thigh before doing the same with the other, straddling him. I brought my hands up to cup his face and kissed him deeply. I felt his fingers graze my naked thighs and whimpered low in his mouth.

"I wouldn't have minded." I confessed in a breath, letting one of my hands slip in his hair.

He tasted just as good as the day before and his lips were sweet, the taste of caramel still lingering on his tongue, and I ended up thinking that I would be fine with tasting this all my life. The thought scared me and excited me at the same time, making my heart jump so high in my chest that I felt it in my throat.

I gripped the back of his shirt and pulled it over his head with difficulty. I thought it would make him laugh but he looked up at me and his eyes roamed on my face. I felt slightly anxious but I didn't move as I watched his lips part slightly.

"Are you sure you want to do this?" he asked softly, placing his warm palms on my thighs. "We can wait you know, as long as you want."

"I really don't want to wait." I said without hesitation, feeling my heart beat harder.

My heart swelled and I had to swallow the lump in my throat when his hands reached for the bottom of my shirt. I tried to concentrate on the skin of his chest and the form of his tattoos but all i could think about was his hands bringing my shirt up slowly and the way his impatient eyes ran on me. My shirt ended up on the floor and I held my breath again when his hands brushed slowly on my sides.

"Fuck."

He pushed my hair gently over my shoulders and let his hands travel down to my breasts again.

"Why didn't we do this before?" he whispered mostly to himself.

My lips curled a bit on the left, remembering that I had asked myself the same question when we had kissed the night before. After all, I had the right to be happy, didn't I? And trying to make things work with Harry was a step closer to my happiness, or at least, something that seemed pretty close to that. 

I bent down to kiss him again and he immediately parted my lips to kiss me deeper. He pulled me closer and turned us around as I chuckled again his lips and ended up under him, spreading my legs to give him more space. I could feel him getting harder as I moaned in his mouth and his lips ran down my neck, making me shut my eyes tight as he ground down on me, noticing just then that he had changed his wet bathing suit for a pair of dry shorts. There was nothing I wanted more at this exact moment than for him to take them off but I gripped the sheets on the bed with one hand while the other slipped in his hair again.

I felt both his hands slip down my waist as two fingers moved on the sides of my panties, pulling them down so slowly I thought it would never end. He moved up on his knees, his body still close to mine, and I pushed my panties away with my feet as he laughed against my mouth, probably at how impatient I was.

"We have all day, no rush." he pointed out, grabbing my upper lip between his and sucking gently on it while his hand slipped between my legs.

"Oh. Oh god."

I shut my eyes tight and arched my back despite myself as two of his fingers slipped on my slit before sliding inside me. My grip on his hair tightened and I bucked my hips in an attempt to feel his fingers deeper.

"It's been way too long." I repeated again.

My eyes shot open and I held my breath when his thumb rubbed on my clit a few times. I knew he could read how desperate I was just by looking in my eyes but he didn't smirk. He just looked at me as his fingers slipped in and out of me, slowly at first and quicker after a while, his thumb still brushing skillfully on my clit, not skipping a beat.

"Harry, if you don't stop i'm gonna..."

"Don't hold it."

I felt a rush to my brain as an orgasm hit me hard, shaking my body beneath him. I would feel embarrassed to reach my high so quickly if I wasn't busy enjoying the incredible feeling invading my whole body. I kept my eyes closed but felt my pupil flutter behind my eyelids as a comfortable warmth spread all over my body.

His lips reached mine again and i smiled, kissing him back. I thought he would want to keep going but he finally moved away and sent me a fond smile, brushing his nose a few times against mine, giving me an eskimo kiss.

"Are you hungry?" he asked, sitting up and passing his hand in his hair. "I could use a snack."

I looked at him with surprise as he bent down to grab something on the floor and hand it to me, holding it with two of his fingers. I smiled shyly when I noticed it was his shirt and took it. As I put it on, it reminded me that I still had some of his clothes that he let me borrow on the last day of tour and I would have to bring them back to him. This shirt, though, had no holes and it smelled like him. I fucking loved it and I felt myself blush at that thought.

"I thought you'd want to..." I didn't finish my sentence and just chuckled, shaking my head and pressing my lips together.

"I told you." he just said in a low tone, moving closer and pressing his lips firmly on mine. "We have all day."

#niall horan #niall horan smut #niall horan fluff #niall horan story #niall horan writing #niall horan fanfic #niall horan fan fic #niall horan fic #harry styles #harry styles smut #harry styles fluff #harry styles story #harry styles writing #harry styles fanfic #harry styles fan fic #harry styles fic #my fanfics #PLEASE READ THE NOTES esp those in bold thank you!

[sarahegerton96]

Field Trip(Dennis Severs)

This was requested by the amazing @primaba11erina, I hope you like it babe it was really fun for me to write and I hope I done it justice and its what you had imagined it would turn out like :) Please excuse any mistakes I edited it but may have missed some :) really sorry it took me so long :)

Summary:

Y/N was a first grade teacher who had arranged for her class to go on a field trip to the local fire station where her boyfriend works( none of the kids know Y/N and Dennis are together) so the firemen could teach the kids about fire safety and what to do in the event of a fire, seeing her boyfriend interact with all the kids made her heart flutter, she knew she always wanted kids someday and after seeing Dennis today she made the decision that she was ready and decided she would tell Dennis when he got home this evening in a rather exciting way ;)  

*BEEP BEEP BEEP* the sound of Y/N's alarm going off woke her, groaning as she rolled over  to find her phone on the nightstand to silence the alarm. Thank god today was the last day of the school term, no more 6am starts, she could have a lie on and enjoy the summer with her wonderful boyfriend Dennis she though to herself as she made her way to the bathroom to get ready for the day, after showering and getting dressed she made her way downstairs where she was met with the smell of bacon and coffee and the sight of her boyfriend sitting at the table shirtless sipping of his coffee and scrolling through his phone.

"Morning babe" he said smiling as he noticed you walk into the kitchen, "good morning Den" you replied as you walked over to him kissing him as he pulled you into his lap inhaling the scent of your coconut shampoo on your freshly washed hair, "mmm you smell delicious babe, I bet you taste even better" he mumbled against you as he trailed kissed down your neck sucking gently at your sweet spot just below your ear. "Den not now I've to get to work" you said hesitantly as you tried to pull away, unsuccessful in your attempts as he tightened his grip on you. "Babe its only 6:25, you don't have to leave until 7:45, we've got plenty of time" he said as he sunk he teeth into the skin of your collarbone, sighing you finally gave in as you melted into his topless torso, his hands sliding beneath the waistband of your leggings fingers gentle brushing over the thin material of your panties..."Shit babe its 7:15, I've only 30 minutes to have breakfast and get to the school" you say as your pulling on your panties and leggings looking around for where you bra and top landed after Dennis tore them off you. "Relax babe your class is going on their field trip today to the station aren't they? you'll have plenty of time you can afford to be a few mins late" he says as hes zipping up his trousers. " you go finish getting ready and I'll get your breakfast and coffee ready, yeah?" he says placing a reassuring kiss to your lips, "thank you babe" you hurry off to the bathroom to fix your hair and brush your teeth.

You arrived back in the kitchen to see Dennis has your coffee and breakfast ready on the table as promised. "Den babe where are you ?" you called out as you sat down to have breakfast, looking at your phone the time read 7:25am, phew I still have 20 minutes left, "In the bedroom babe, be down in a few" he calls from the bedroom. Ten minutes later I had finished my breakfast and was putting my cup and plate in the sink when I felt a pair of arms snake around my waist and Dennis softly kissing my neck, I leaned into his touch and kiss sighing contently wishing that I didn't have to leave for work. "I wish you didn't have to leave babe" he says as if he just read my mind, "Me too babe but today is the last day and I'm all yours" you purr in his ear making him groan, you and Dennis spend the next 10 minutes in a very deep handsy make out against the kitchen counter, you reluctantly break away to check the time and notice its time for you to leave. Dennis hesitantly lets you go after try to pursued you to call in sick you kiss him goodbye and leave for work.

****15 minutes later*****

When you arrive at the school the principal calls you into the office, "Y/N can I talk to you for a minute please?" "Of course whats up?" worrying that your going to get into trouble for being 5 minutes late trying to think of an excuse. "I'm sorry to have to ask you this as I know you were busy today packing up your classroom while your class was going on a field trip to the fire station but Ms.Madden has called in sick and wont be able to assist Sarah on the trip so could you please go with Sarah?" "Oh em yeah sure, of course" you stuttered out a bit surprised. "Great thank you so much they leave in 45 minutes, meeting outside at the fire assembly point" she says "I'll be ready" I say as I walk out of the office towards my classroom debating on whether to text Dennis to inform him that I will be going but decided against and to surprise him, I have 45 minutes to try pack up as much of my room as possible so I get to work boxing things up.

****45 minutes later****

Once all the kids were loaded onto the bus, permission slips were checked and a head count done we were on our way to the fire station, it was only 30 minutes to the fire station, along the way the kids played games and sang songs to pass the time, once we arrived at the station we gathered the kids up and gave them all name tags and done another headcount to make sure we had everyone. Kev one of the main firemen greeted us and showed us to one of the main halls to wait for the rest of the firemen, they were on their way back from a call for a house fire, 10 minutes later Dennis and 2 other firemen that you didn't recognize walked into the the hall laughing and joking, when suddenly Dennis stopped abruptly in his tracks and his eyes going wide as he saw you standing there clearly surprised as he wasn't expecting to see you. "What are you doing here he said" still trying to recover from the shock of seeing you and not draw attention to you's, "Ms.Madden called in sick so I had to cover for her" you say smirking quickly as you walked off leaving him standing there.

"Right so boys and girls today were going to be learning about fire safety and what to do in the event of a fire" Kev says to get the attention of the kids, all the kids immediately stop talking and listen to Kevin explain all about the do's and don'ts of of what to do and what not to do in the event of a fire. All the kids sat there mouths open in awe of what Kevin had to say, 20 minutes later Kevin asked  had any of the kids got any questions before they done the tour of the fire station, a few of the kids asked some really good questions you were impressed by them. "Now if yous would like to form an orderly line and follow me we will begin the tour" Kev said, all the kids scrambled to get in line quickly and they were on their way, as you were walking out you felt yourself being pulled into a room just off to the side, and a pair of lips come in contact with yours in a hungry kiss and a pair of hands grabbing my ass, "Dennis we cant, not here someone will find us" you moan out as he continues his assault on your mouth, hips lips moving down your neck sucking and nipping just below your ear, loosing all the will to fight against him your hands trail up his back and into his hair tugging at it now it's his turn to moan against your neck, he grinds his hips against you and you can feel a very prominent boner in his pants, one of your hands leaves his hair to palm over it earning another moan from him, "Oh god Y/N the things you do to me, you think I would have gotten enough of you this morning after pounding into you on the kitchen table" you cant take it anymore and drop to your knees in front of him, undoing his zipper and taking him into your mouth without any warning, "Shit babe don't stop please j-just like that" he moans out as he bucks his hips causing you to gag on his dick, with that he grabs your hair holing you in place as he cumming down your throat, just then the door swings open and Kevin stops dead when he sees whats going on in front of him, "I guess i'll just say that yous 2 went off to get the kids fire men hats and certificates" smirking as he turns and walks out heading back towards the kids and Sarah. You look up at Dennis finally swallowing his load as he tucks himself back into his pants and helps you up capturing your lips in a sweet kiss tasting himself on your lips. "That was so fucking hot babe, as much as I'd love to return the favor we better get back" you bite your lip and nod.

You's make your way back to the group carrying a stack of plastic firemen hats and the kids certs from the trip to the station handing each kid a hat and putting their certs in to one side to hand out at the end of the trip. "Who wants to go down the pole?" Dennis says "Me" all the kids shout at once and yous all burst out laughing, "okay hope on" he says as he lifts up one of the kids and showing them how to hold on, "Ready" he says once the kid is in position and making sure Kev is at the end to catch them as they go down "Yeah" he lets her go and she squeals in delight as she slides down the pole. You watch Dennis interact with the kids over the next hour, playing, laughing , joking and showing them all the tools in the fire truck, one of the girls tugs on Dennis trousers and he bends down, "Yes sweetheart how can I help you?" he says smiling "could I please try on your fireman coat?" she asks "of course you can" he says as he takes it off the hook and drapes it over her shoulders folding the sleeves up as its to big on her and zips it up, he picks he up and turns to you with her in his arms, "How's she look" he says smiling at you and his smile is such a happy content beaming smile, you breath hitches in your throat and tears well in your eyes as you look at the love of your life holding the little girl in his arms and you cant help but think of what an amazing dad Dennis would make one day. "You look absolutely beautiful sweetheart" you say half taking to the little girl and half taking to Dennis.

You and Dennis have always talked about having kids one day and seeing him with all the kids today makes you realize that you don't want to wait anymore, you love Den and he loves you so what are yous waiting for, it was in that moment that you decided you were going to tell Dennis that you were ready to start a family with him, the thought made you get butterflies and you couldn't wait to get home and get everything ready, 15 minutes later it was time to start loading the kids back on the coach but not before a group photo for the kids to remember, they stood in 2 line holding their certs up and their fireman hats on Sarah and Kevin stood at one end and me and Dennis stood at the other end both Kevin and Dennis fully clothed in their uniforms, I could feel myself getting hornier as Dennis stood there his arm around my waist. "Say cheese"Kev shouted as the picture was taken, "Now kids time to go can you all please say thank you Kevin and Dennis for taking time out of their busy day to have us and for such an amazing fun filled and educational day" I say as start to gather the kids "Thank you Dennis Thank you Kevin" all the kids say, "You's are all very welcome" they say. "Sarah can get all the kids loaded onto the bus I'll be with you in a few just want to thank the guys and make sure nobody left anything behind" I say as I walk towards Dennis, "Of course"Sarah replies. "Are you okay babe? you looked quite upset earlier on you had tears in your eyes? was it because Kev caught us?" he asked concerned, "No no quite the opposite actually, but before I could explain Kev interrupted us walking over standing there smirking  "What you smirking at?" I asked knowing too well what it was, "So Y/N what was that I caught you's two up to earlier?" amusement laced through his voice, "Well Kevin what did it look like to you?" I replied with just as much amusement "It looked like you were sucking Dennis here off in the supply closet" he said with another smirk "A+ for you Kev, you listened in sex ed" I say with a smirk as I kiss Dennis goodbye. I walk towards the bus, I stopped "Oh Dennis" I say as I turned me head "Yeah babe?" he says "Wear the uniform home tonight" I say with a wink and continue making my way to the bus trying to hide the blush that makes it way over my face hearing all the lads hooting and hollering, "Dennis is getting some tonight" I hear Kev say as I step onto the bus.

We arrive back at the school 45 minutes later and all the kids parents are waiting to collect them, I am bombarded with thank you gifts from my students and parents which is so sweet I thank them and the parents and make my way to the car, I put all the gifts in the boot, wave goodbye to my colleagues wish them a lovely summer and I'm finally on my way home to get ready for my fun filled evening with Den, I stop by Victoria's Secret to pick up some lingerie I settle on a red lacy corset and matching panties and and some red stockings, these will surely get a reaction out of Den I think as I pay for them and make my way home to start dinner.

****1 hour later****

Once the spaghetti bolognese was ready I left it in the oven to keep warm I decided against garlic bread, I set the table and went to have a quick shower to freshen up and slipped into my newly purchased lingerie especially for this occasion, I slipped on my black silk robe and made my way back down to the kitchen, I went to the fridge and decided between which bottle of wine to open I had gotten 3 as thank you gifts off my students(the perks of being a teacher, free wine :P), I settled on the Rose wine  just as I poured myself a glass I heard keys in the door and I knew Dennis was home the butterflies returned and I prepared myself for the news I was planning on telling him and hoping that he wanted it too, "Babe I'm ho-" he cut himself off as he saw me standing there in a black silk robe with the lingerie peeking out he stood there biting his lip as his eyes raked over my body, "Oh well hello to you to babe, like what you see because I sure do" I said as I eyed him standing there in his uniform the wetness pooling between my legs all I wanted to do was pounce on him but I had a carefully organised plan, so I refrained myself. I cleared my throat and spoke up "Ready for dinner babe?" still standing there he hadn't said a word just stared hungrily, he snapped out of it "Sorry babe, yeah I am I just wasn't expecting to see you dressed in that and to be honest id much rather go straight to dessert" he bit his lip again and waled towards me and kissed me hungrily squeezing my ass, "Hmm babe as much as I would love that too lets eat first" I said as I broke away from him and got the spaghetti out of the oven and dished up some for the two of us. I took a deep breath as I prepared to tell Dennis about my decision. "So babe you know how we've talked about wanting kids some day?" I say and Dennis nods, "Well today when I seen you with the kids it made me realize about how amazing you would be as a father and when you put your jacket on the girl from my class and picked her up and I seen the smile on your face it just made my heart swell you looked so happy, and content and well that's why I teared up because I was picturing that being you with our son or daughter some day and well I guess what I'm trying to say is that I want that day to be sooner rather than later, Dennis I'm ready to have kids if you are?" I said as I look up I see Dennis with tears streaming down his cheeks, before I could apologize for upsetting him he was up and across the room grabbing my face in his hands and kissing me, "Your not upset?" I said "Of course not babe I've wanted kids with you for months now but I was just to scared to say anything as I didn't want to push you into it Y/N I would love nothing more than to start trying for a baby with you" he said as he kissed me with so much love now I was crying, we broke apart laughing as we were both a weeping mess. "Well what are we waiting for, lets gets baby making" he said wiggling his eyebrows picking me up bridal style and making our way to the bedroom.

He put me down at the foot of the bed, undid my robe and stood there mouth open when it fell to the floor to reveal all my lingerie to him, he groaned as he brought our lips together in a passionate loving kiss, his hands roaming over my body caressing me lovingly, I slid my hands up his jacket and pulled the zip down and pushed it down his shoulders, wrapping my arms around his neck his lips trailed down my neck, his hands working skillfully on undoing the corset, he slips it from my body effortlessly and I slip his suspenders down his shoulders and work on unbuttoning his trousers and tug them down and he steps outs of them, he makes quick work of my panties and next is his top and boxers I'm just left standing in my stocking, I go to remove them but he stops me, "Leave them on" he says biting his lip as he hungrily looks me up and down. He picks me up laying me on the bed hovering over me kissing from my lips down my body taking his time so much love and passion in every kiss until he's facing my dripping core. His tongue makes contact with my clit and I hiss out in pleasure, he teases my opening with two fingers gently easing them in and curling them slightly hitting the spot inside me perfectly while continuing his assault on my clit his fingers pump in and out as a steady, my orgasm is fast approaching, I can feel it in the pit of my stomach the tightness getting more intense as the seconds go by. "Shit babe I'm so close" I manage to pant out "Cum for me babe, I want you to to cum for me" he says and with that my vision goes white, my back arches off the bed and I cum harder than I've ever came before clenching around his fingers, his fingers still pumping in and out of me helping me through my orgasm. As I come down from my high I grab him by the face pilling him up to bring our lips together in a slow lust filled kiss, I moan as I can taste myself on his lips, our tongues move in sync, he lines himself up with my core and slowly pushes himself in staring deeply into my eyes and lacing our finger together, he waits for a minute so I can adjust to him. "Shit babe your so tight" he moans out as he slowly starts to move our eye contact not breaking once he speeds up a bit setting a steady yet pleasurable pace, the sound of soft moans and grunts fill the room as we make slow passionate love,beads of sweat begin to form on his forehead and chest and I know he's close, he shifts slightly and hits the spot within me and I'm cumming again, "shit babe I'm coming, come with me" I moan out and that's all it takes for  him his hips begin to loose rhythm and he comes with a grunt staring deeply, lovingly into my eyes my eyes flutter closed and I bite my lip as I feel him fill me up, I open my eyes to see him still staring at me and there's no much loves in his eyes, his eyes fill with tears as he bends down capturing my lips with his, "I love you so much Y/N, that was amazing" he says as a tear rolls down his cheek, I wipe it away with my thumb, "I love you too so much Den". He slips from me and goes to the bathroom and comes back with a cloth and cleans me up tosses it to the dirty hamper and climbs in beside me and pulls me into his chest whispering sweet nothings in my ear kissing my shoulder softly, we fall asleep cuddled up in each other arms after making the most sweet passionate love and hopefully a baby.

****8 weeks later****

I check my phone to discover I'm late, 10 days late, I rush to the drug store to buy a pregnancy test, I hurry home to take them, I finish peeing on the tests and wash my hands, "Babe I'm home"  I hear Dennis call from downstairs "I'm in the toilet" I call back as I dry my hands, looking down at the tests there's 2 pink lines on both them I gasp as I realize I'm pregnant, one hand goes to rub over my stomach as one picks up the tests, I walk into the bedroom from our en-suite, to see Dennis sitting our bed, he looks as me and notices the look of shock/ excitement on my face, "Babe whats wrong? what you got there" he says noticing I'm holding something.

"Babe I'm pregnant" I exclaimed in pure joy and happiness as tears streamed down my face, "What are you serious"he says as he jumps up running over to me looking at the tests in my hand "Yes, Den your going to be  a dad" I say he breaks down in tears too overjoyed at the news he picks me up and spins me around kissing me deeply, he puts me back down and looks into my eyes. "Marry Me Y/N" he says, "Yes  of course I will Dennis" I say, he kisses me and in that moment I couldn't be any happier, a baby on the way and engaged to the love of my life.

*****THE END*****

#smut #dennis severs #the smoke

[hoseokmylovesworld]

Picture of Love | 10

Pairing: Photographer!Hoseok x OC x Producer!Yoongi

Genre/Warnings: Hoseok AU/Yoongi AU/Includes strong language, mentions of sex

Words: 5,340

Summary: Charlotte Galloway is the leader of the up and coming girl band, “She-Bang”, with a side hustle as a photographer for anyone who will hire her.  She meets a fellow professional photographer named Jung Hoseok who helps “She-Bang” realize their dreams and Charlotte to make a love connection along the way.

I pull out my phone as I search for pajamas to wear after my shower and I text Leyah asking where everyone was. 

"We're all in the boys' room watching them play video games"  was her reply. I nod to myself in understanding and head to the bathroom to change into my pajamas for the night, happy to hopefully to get most of tonight to myself as I hear a knock on the hotel door. I throw my pajamas back on top of the dresser for later to answer the door. I sigh as I look out the peep hole to discover it was Darren. I still hate that our relationship isn't what it used to be recently and we basically struggle to keep things cordial between us. I open the door to be greeted by his handsome smile and inviting eyes. 

"Hey." I blurt out, not knowing what else to say.

"Hey." So you're not gonna make this any easier, okay.

"What's up?" 

"Oh, nothing...Can I come in?"

"Oh! Yeah. Of course." I almost shout, realizing we were still talking awkwardly in the threshold of the hotel room. I stand aside to let him into the room and we move to the bed room area. As I sit on the bed, I get a text from Leyah that just reads "I'm sorry." which I can only assume she's referring to the fact that Darren suddenly showed up at our door shortly after I arrived back when he was originally playing video games next door. And Darren loves his video games. "You had to tell him I was back." I text back quickly.

I put my phone away and placed my attention on Darren. "So what are you up to?" He plops himself onto my bed. "Nothing, just watching some TV." He nods, very obviously trying to figure out what to say next.

"So, Mezzanine tomorrow?" He brings up our gig for tomorrow thankfully. "Oh, yeah! I'm super hype!" We finally settle into a smooth and comfortable flow of conversation. 

Just like old times.

I find myself smiling brightly at the thought that we were able to revert back to being comfortable in each other's company and cracking jokes like we used to...that is until Darren asks about my night. "So how was your night? You're back a little late." He notes. I sigh before answering.

 "Um, it was good. Went on a date." As if you don't already know. 

He nods. "So...did you go out with that Hope guy?" I sigh once more as I drop my head, already losing patience with this conversation. "Yes, Darren." He just nods again. 

"...You've been going out with him a lot..." 

"Yes, I have." I whisper shortly, my attention suddenly glued to the TV. Great an infomercial. 

"Don't hate me for asking this." He voices after a few long moments of silence pass. 

"What?" My head snaps in his direction, knowing what his question would be. 

"Is he... treating you right?" Feigning a pathetic attempt at a concerned face.

"Why, 'cuz you could treat me better?" I say raising my voice.

"I never said that." He rushes to defend himself, cocking his head to the left.

"No, no you didn't." But you were thinking it. 

"I was just making sure you're-" 

"I'm what? Hanging with the right people? That's not your responsibility or your concern-" 

"You're not my concern?" He questioned, getting offended.

"No, I am not." I sneered, my left hand turning to a fist and the right wrapping tightly around the TV remote.

"Char you're one of my closest friends, of course you're my concern-"

"Well I'm not your burden." Or your girlfriend. 

I'm met with silence and a floored yet somber look from Darren so I continue. "So don't worry about my dates with Jay." I march over to my dresser to busy myself with finding an outfit for tomorrow because I couldn't stand to be near him any longer. 

"...So they are actual dates then? Like he takes you out to fancy dinners and shit like that?" I pause and scoff at the indirect accusation and his equally as accusing tone. I know Darren enough by now to know the underlying subtext in everything he threw at me. 

"We haven't had sex yet, if that's what you're asking." I spit at him over my shoulder. He visibly deflates and his body untenses, confirming my suspicions. My eyes roll back into my head as I refocus on shoveling through my drawers. 

"Once again, that is not what I was trying to say. You can stop putting words in my mouth now." He grated sternly, trying to dig himself out of this never ending hole. 

I let my temper get my best of me and allow Darren to distract me from my task as I whip my body around to face him with a newfound animosity inside me, ready to be unleashed on him. "But it is. It is what you were asking and I don't appreciate it . And I'll stop feeding you words when you start saying what you mean." I snapped all while dangerously pointing my finger in his direction. All formality was gone from my voice because of the level of ridiculousness the situation has reached. I was over this conversation before it started and its about time I let Darren know that he doesn't have any sort of claim on me. 

He takes my statement in before shutting his eyes tightly and collecting his thoughts. "Look Char, I'm sorry, I just-"

"Are you? Sorry, I mean? You definitely don't seem like it. Honestly you seem like you got the answer you wanted and now you're trying to find an excuse for me to feel sorry for you. Admit it. You're relieved...You're elated to find out that no one's defiled my body in a month. 'Oh Char's not having sex with anyone? I still have time to make my move.'" I say in a deep voice, giving my impression of Darren as he sits politely waiting for my rant to be over. 

I make my way over to where he sits on the foot of the bed and loom over him, making fierce eye contact the whole way. "I have been and will continue to sleep with who ever I want and none of your 'concerns' are going to stop me." I hiss, making air quotations around concerns. I shut my eyes tight in frustration and move away from Darren as he reaches out to touch me. 

How fucking dare he?!

"No!...God, things were going so well! You just had to ruin it didn't you!?" I shout with abandon, wondering how we even got here.

Darren opens and closes his mouth, before actually deciding on what to say next. "Char, I...I know I've been a fucking dickhead lately and I cant seem to stop pissing you off, but you have to know that was never my intention and I do want things to go back to the way they were before."

No you don't. I roll my eyes so hard at this, I fear they'll get stuck. They didn't.

"And I'm sorry I fucked everything up-and not just recently, I know that-I just wanted to be sure that-you have to know I just wanted you be safe...and happy." In the middle of his speech, he makes his way over to me and I allow him to rest his hand on my arm as he shares his sentiment. I take a few deep breaths to calm down and eventually shrug his hand off of me, much to Darren's dismay. I feel the need to distance myself yet again so I drift back to the bed and Darren makes a wise decision to sit himself in the padded chair across from me.

"I just don't understand what you want from me." I start looking down at the carpet and fiddling with my already perfectly manicured nails. "I mean we flirt around each other for a year and a half and nothing comes of it, but suddenly when I finally find someone I might actually be interested in, you decide it's okay to be openly jealous...I'm sorry, but it literally does not work that way."

"I know that Char-"

"You have a funny way of showing it." I deride just above a whisper.

"I realize that, I realize that I've been an asshole-"

"Try douche-nozzle of the year." I interject once again.

"Yeah, that and sometimes, I just don't know how to act when-"

"Yeah, I fucking noticed!" I couldn't help, but laugh out loud at that one.

"Char!"

"What?!"

"Can you please let me speak? Please? I'm trying to apologize here and you are just-"

"Fine, go ahead...Sorry." I brush him off and immediately apologize when I see his annoyed face and realize I had in fact interrupted him while telling him to go on.

"I just...yes, I felt...some type of way when I saw the Hope guy come out of literally nowhere and basically sweep you off your feet."

"Why though? That is what escapes me. Sorry if I missed it, but it just went over my head, I guess." I shrug, my sentence dripping with sarcasm as well genuine intrigue.

Darren focuses on one spot on the floor as the gears almost visibly turn in his head on how to respond to my query. After two or so minutes, he takes a breath and sits up slightly as if to speak, when instead he lets out a hearty laugh. Any hint of curiousity or patience on my face had dropped and promptly been replaced with hostility.

"I suppose now I have to ask what it is that's so funny?" I cross my arms and wait for whatever silly excuse he has to offer. Why do I even entertain this?

"Nothing...Nothing is funny I promise. I...I knew what I wanted to say to you when I walked over here...I knew what I wanted to say when I showed up and knocked...but when I saw you it-it was like everything just left." He created a visual of his words with his hand in a wiping motion and laughed bitterly once more.

I feel my teeth grind together without my permission. "Then tell me what is it is you wanted to say initially. Before the ridiculousness ensued." I mutter ardently, hoping this conversation would end soon.

"You know what, nevermind." He gets up and makes his way to the door, but not before I jump in front of him to stab my finger into his chest.

"You're infuriating, you know that?" I look up at his looming frame with a ferocity in my eyes I haven't released in years. "You come in here with your accusations and your petty arguments, trying to incriminate me when you're the guilty one, Darren! And you know it! Nevermind? Are you fucking kidding me? You owe me that after this stunt you pulled today." I continue to dig my finger nail deeper into his chest with every poke. 

"You feign innocence and play the victim when you're the one instigating the trouble! You claim you're confused and J-Hope, is his fucking name by the way, you claim he's the problem and the reason why you're feeling this way when really it's you! It's your ego! It's the only child in you that always gets what he wants, it's the ladies man that's been rejected for once in his sorry life, it's you goddammit! How dare you come to my room and make me out to be the bad guy? It's literally not my fault you couldn't man up and stop being a pussy!" Through the inescapable, raw rage and tears that couldn't seem to stop falling down my face, I can just start to notice the absolutely crushed expression on Darren's face at my words. His jaw and fists were clenched, his eyes that harbored unshed tears looked everywhere, but at me. He looked pained.

I'd never seen him so utterly damaged. My hand instantly flies to cover my despicable mouth at the realization that I did that to him. My hand reaches out to grasp his arm and after a few fleeting seconds of contact, he shrugs it off and brushes past me to the door one more time. I all but chase after him and try grasp either of his arms.

"Darren, I'm sorry, I didn't mean it, I swear I didn't mean any of that-"

He lashes around to face me, his feral, but upset face startling me a bit. I gasp and recoil back, no longer looking to touch him. "Really Char...You didn't mean all that shit?" He demands, incredulously. I shake my head, helplessly. "No, no." I whimper pathetically as I feel more tears begin to blind my vision.

"Just some of it then?" He offers, scrutinizing me. I have no answer and the urge to break down and cry is entirely too strong for me to continue any type of conversation so I just look at my bare feet to avoid his fierce gaze. It's funny how the hot seat can be switched that quickly. A second ago I wanted to slap him and now I just want him to forgive me.

"I'm-I'm just gonna go then-"

"No! Please don't go like this." I take a step towards him, but keep my hands to myself. "I am sorry." I plead.

Darren spares me one last glance before he walks to the door. He hesitates to open it, giving me a sliver of hope, but he comes to his senses and exits quickly to avoid anything else that might slow him down or make him stay.

I stay in place for what seems like five minutes or at least until Vicky and Carrie come into the room. I immediately go to dry my tears and try to get rid of my sniffles because I can't stand the idea of someone seeing my cry over a guy. Especially if that guy is Darren.

"Char! What's wrong?" They cry as they go to comfort me. I practically duck out of their embraces and grab my clothes off of the dresser. "Nothing...where is Leyah?" I clear my groggy, cried out voice. "She's still next door, talking to Darren. He kicked us out." I laugh humorlessly. Of course my best girl friend is Darren's best friend as well and she will most-likely be in the middle of our fiasco. "What happened, Char?" Vicky approaches me, I ignore her question and race to the bathroom. "I'm taking a shower."

After letting everything out in the shower, I crawl into bed, fully intending to pass out on sight and just forget this whole ordeal ever happened. About thirty minutes after I get out of the shower, Leyah finally comes into the room and she just offers me a kind Leyah-grin before getting ready for bed. Yeah this is bad. 

When I attempt to think of something that might cheer me up other than Leyah. J-Hope immediately pops into my head. I grab my phone and text him about the performance in hopes that he might come see me. I fear the joy of performing might not even be enough to lift my spirits, so I'm enlisting the help of the sun incarnate, A.K.A. Jung Hoseok. He replies quickly saying he'll be there and just like that I have something to look forward to tomorrow.

The next day, I was the first to wake up, as usual, around four in the afternoon and got ready for the day. Not even the excitement of performing at the Mezzanine could put any pep in my step or erase this deep frown on my face. The girls hit the showers one after the other and proceed to do their own thing in the hotel room. Vicky and Carrie give me pitiful, curious looks, hoping I'll confide in them sometime today. Nope.

What concerns me most is that Leyah hasn't even acknowledged me yet, but I cannot tell if it's because she's being her normal self or if she took Darren's side last night and thinks I'm in the wrong and I can't take the suspense. Watching her decide what to wear today in front of her closet, I take the opportunity to approach her.

"Hey, Leyah. Can I talk to you?" I whisper, hoping the others in the next room can't hear me. She turns to me with a bored look on her face. "Is it about Darren, by any chance?" She droned. "Yes."

Leyah sighs loudly and a knowing smirk appears on her face. "You don't have to prove anything to me, Char. Darren may be my best friend, but so are you and to be honest, you were both dead wrong." I can't help, but chuckle at her incredibly true statement. She focuses back on her clothing as she continues. "He should never have even come over here last night and if I'm being honest, it's my fault he did-sorry about that by the way-"

"It's not your fault-"

"And I hear you said some... offensive things." Her eyes focused on nothing in particular, as if she was reliving Darren telling her what happened here. I look down guiltily. "... Yes." I mutter.

"... But nothing that wasn't true." She offers me a humorous side eye. I fight the urge to laugh again as I reply. "Even so, I shouldn't have said them. He looked really upset and... I don't know how to fix it."

"You're upset too... no?"

"Yes, I am... he seriously rubs me the wrong way sometimes, but I know I really fucked up."

Leyah suddenly gives me her full attention with one hand on her hip and one resting on her wardrobe. "I'm proud of you."

Her reply made my eyes pop out of my head and my brows stoop down low. "H-huh?"

"I'm proud of you." She repeats. "I thought you would have held a grudge 'cuz he hurt your feelings-"

"I refuse to admit he hurt my feelings." I immediately defend and Leyah just points at me and tilts her head, as if to say 'That! That right there.' I just roll my eyes in response.

"I'm glad to see you actually trying to make amends is what I'm saying."

"Thanks... I'm glad to see you showing emotion." I utter sheepishly to the ground.

"Hey, I can... emote." Leyah makes lazy jazz hands to enhance her argument and I huff out a laugh.

"Yeah, okay... thanks, Leyah. This is why I love you."

"Ew, your welcome." She cringes and continues to look for an outfit. I just laugh at her and make my exit. As I'm about to exit the room I hear Leyah mumble just under her breath "Love you too." and I feel a blinding smile split across my face. Caught ya.

I look back at the night stand clock and realize it's almost time to go and I'm made aware that I have a favor to ask of Leyah. I spin back into the room, startling Leyah.

"Oh, would you mind checking on the guys for me?" I try to show off my best set of puppy dog eyes. She basically deflates and give me a 'you can't hide forever' look, but agrees anyway.

"Thank you so much." I sang and went to leave the room again, but not before letting Leyah know what I heard. "Oh, and I heard that!" I toss over my shoulder.

"Yeah, yeah, yeah." She whines in the distance.

The girls and I join Darren and Kyle in the hotel garage to pack the van. When the job is done and the crew makes their way inside, I notice Darren stay behind to make sure everything was secure and I decide to strike.

"Hey, Darren. Can I talk to you real quick?"

Darren barely acknowledges me, clearly still pissed off from last night, and looks around the garage before making brief eye contact with me.

"I don't know if now is the time Char." He says quickly before heading to the driver's seat and I grab his arm before he can enter.

"Okay, after the gig then?... Please?" I squeeze his arm gently and turn on the puppy dog eyes again. He sighs and looks to his far right at nothing of importance. "Sure, Char." He uttered as if it hurt him to give in to me.

"Thank you." I whisper before we part ways and head to the venue.

The Mezzanine is thankfully already packed with bodies from wall to wall, almost more than the last time we were here and I hope it's because they're here to see us.

Aubrey, the club manager, welcomes us as we enter through the back entrance around 7:50 PM. "Hi! I'm so glad you guys could come and play for us, I've heard good things about you guys."

I thank Evan mentally for the promotion as I shake Aubrey's hand. "Thank you so much for letting us perform!" I say in my bubbly leader-voice.

I was pleasantly surprised to learn that the Mezzanine actually have stage hands to help the music acts set up. This place is more official than I originally assumed. That left me too much time to avoid Darren backstage, as if he wasn't already doing the same thing to me. 

As soon as the instruments are set up, the girls and I take the stage and give the Mezzanine the best performance they ever saw. "We are She-Bang! Goodnight!" I yell into the mic at the end of our set, receiving an even louder, enthusiastic reaction from the crowd. I guess they were here for us, that or we just gained a lot more fans.

After we dismantled the the equipment and the regular club music started pumping from the speakers, the group decided to stay and party for a little while, as usual. We all grab drinks from the bar and hit the crowded dance floor.

I can't help, but dwell on the fact that I didn't see Jay in the crowd tonight. Not that I could detect many faces, but his, I could usually pick out of the bunch. He is one of a kind. He didn't even bother to text me or call and tell me he couldn't make it and that's what actually pissed me off. But we aren't even together so I guess I can let up a little bit with the 'not calling' mess. J-Hope is a busy man, he probably got caught up in something.

I find my own place in the sweaty, gyrating throng of people and shake off the unnecessary thoughts, literally. As I look up from my tipsy stupor, I spot Darren from across the room. How we got so far apart is beyond me and I was thankful for it, until he began to make his way towards me and I started to panic. You asked for this, Char, it's now or never.

But as I mentally prepare myself for this conversation I see Darren's eyes narrow on something behind me. He stops in his tracks and his neutral expression turns to one of anger as I feel a pair of hands cover my face, gently from behind. I'm overtaken by fear just before a familiar cologne fills my nostrils and a beautifully deep voice fills my ears. "Guess who?". I turn around immediately in wonder, all thoughts of Darren gone from my mind. I am met with J-Hope's handsome, smiling face and his wandering hands on my hips. Not a second later we were each devouring each other in a messy, tangled kiss.

"I missed you." I breathed out heavily once we departed.

You just saw him yesterday.

Shut up.

"I missed you too." He laughed easily.

"I thought you weren't coming for a minute." I wrap my arms around his neck and we instinctively sway to the music.

"Yeah, I'm sorry about that, I got caught up with something for work. I missed most of the set actually, but I made it! You guys sounded amazing... from what I heard." He finished timidly.

See? Overreacting as usual.

"It's okay, Jay. I am glad you made it. So now you can dance with me." I said flirtatiously, pressing my body closer to his.

"Of course." Was his response as he held me tighter and moved to the beat. Jay and I take after the crowd and grind our bodies together. I press my backside to his groin and roll my body on his and I can feel his reaction through his jeans, causing a smug smirk to grace my lips. All the while, Jay is tending to the weak spot below my jaw, causing my legs to slightly weak.

I make a conscious, but split decision to request that Jay and I take this party elsewhere. We've known each other for a few weeks now, it's obvious we're sexually attracted to each other and it helps that Jay is one of the most wonderful people I've ever met. And I haven't gotten laid since a week before we met. What's holding me back? 

The only reason I haven't pursued him this way before was because I wanted to take things slow since I actually might have feelings for him. Who am I kidding, I definitely have feelings for this kid. But I don't want to be his girlfriend, if that makes any sense. That word still stirs up anxiety in me. Jesus please take the wheel.

I open my eyes and intend to lean up and share my raunchy ideas with Jay, but I'm distracted by Darren's disappointed gaze from where he sat in the back of the club with Leyah nursing her drink and minding her own business directly next to him. 

We share a few more moments of silent, tense conversation until Leyah realizes what he's staring at and literally grips his chin in her hand and turns his attention towards her. After Leyah has a couple choice words with Darren, without responding, he decides to take a seat at the bar and mind his own business as well. I send Leyah a nod in thanks, then I hear J-Hope's smooth voice in my ear.

"Everything okay?" I quickly turn around to face him fully. "Everything is fine." I answer and place a sloppy kiss to his lips promptly as incentive for my next demand. Before I can open my mouth, J-Hope beats me to the punch.

"You wanna get outta here?" He asks as he strokes my cheek gently with his thumb. "I thought you'd never ask." My blissful reply causing a smile to spread across his face. "Just lemme tell the girls and we can go." He nods and follows me to the back of the club.

I approach Leyah, who seems to have been ditched by everyone already. "Hey, where is everyone?" Leyah puts down her drink and nods at Jay behind me. "Scattered around the club, they didn't leave, don't worry."

"Good. Well, Jay and I are gonna head out. Ya'll gonna be okay without me?"

"Yeah, sure." She shrugs, her hooded eyes and usually bored demeanor told me that she would be just fine without me, indeed.

I chuckle. "Is Darren okay?"

"He's... Darren. Didn't like what he saw too much, but... what are you gonna do?" Her eyes drift to Darren, sipping his drink morosely at the bar. She tried to shrug off the pity she felt for her best friend for my sake.

"Alright, well, I'll see you guys later." Leyah just waves in response and goes back to sipping her drink and browsing her phone.

J-Hope and I make our way through the crowd, to his car and once inside, he turns to me. "Have you eaten?" Oh.

"No, I haven't." I say, feeling out the situation.

"Oh, well, my friend told me about this neat restaurant on 9th. Would you wanna go? Or did you have anything in particular in mind?" He finishes with that hopeful smile. Yeah, your place.

Attempting to conceal my shock, due to Jay asking me to dinner instead of to fuck, I force my face into a kind smile. "Nope, anywhere's fine." It's okay, we can wait an hour to get some.

We travel for about five minutes to the place J-Hope mentioned. He finds parking, opens my door for me and leads me to the entrance with his hand rested on my lower back as usual. Above the entrance is a barely lit up logo of the restaurant's name; Taste Me. I tilt my head slightly in intrigue at the name, but shake it off. My attention is then brought to the view through the window of the establishment. It is hard to make anything out through the dark veil of the curtains, except that there is candle light and it is empty inside. I grow more and more suspicious of this place the closer we get, but I keep my thoughts to myself as Jay seems pretty excited about this place.

As we walk in, my suspicions, though I'm not sure what they are, are confirmed. The room was a small square shape with a door directly to the back and the walls were a rich, dark wood. Oak? Mahogany maybe? I'm not sure. The lighting in the room was pretty dark. There was only one small chandelier and a few candles on two brown, pub tables near the windows. In front of the door sat a young, blonde, woman dressed in all black on a bar stool who was scrolling through her phone. Okay.

It had great potential to be a quaint little restaurant... if only it had furniture... and food... and people.

Jay and I approach the woman who doesn't bother to look up from her phone in the slightest. "Excuse me." He tries to get her attention after a few moments of awkward silence. She looks up in a fright, as if she had no idea people had just walked into the building. "Yeah?" Is she says with a hint of annoyance in her voice. I know she didn't.

"We'd like a table for two please, if you don't mind." Jay demands, getting a little annoyed himself.

The girl's eyebrows sky rocket, so as to communicate that she has no idea what he's talking about. "What?" she mutters in shock.

"I said may we please have a table for two... please." He repeats, losing patience. I fight back a smile at the sight. The blonde also seems to be fighting back the giggles as she endeavors to come up with an answer to the question. "Uhhh... erm-I..." She continued to stammer.

Oh, for the love of God.

"Do you have any tables available, or not?" I snapped at her, just wanting to get this over with. I'm trying to laid here, lady.

"Um, sure." She finally forms a complete thought, though she is still fighting off laughter and it's pissing both me and Jay off. "You can just-just go through that door and someone should be there to help you out." She pointed to the door directly behind her.

"Thank you, I guess." Jay says and lets me drag him through the door. As I turn the knob and open it, I can hear the world's worst hostess let out a whimsical laugh from behind us and J-Hope let out an authentic gasp. We allow the door to close behind us as we stand there in complete awe.

Suddenly, I'm overcome with equal amounts of amusement and embarrassment as I burst out in a fit of laughter.

Taking in all of the different types of dildos, vibrators, plugs and costumes I realize J-Hope and I are standing in the middle of one of the biggest adult toy stores I have ever seen.

This is rich. 

#j-hope fanfic #suga fanfic #junghoseok #minyoongi #bts #btsfanfiction #AMBW #kpop #humour #sugardaddyj-hope

[morphineabusee]

so for the past couple of weeks id say ive been going on a downwards spiral. works been pretty shit at the minute and everyones feeling it not just me but i feel like when you have constant i guess mental health problems and problems with your thoughts shit like that just hits you a thousand times harder. Since the whole mia thing at work me and shaun dont really talk anymore and shaun has been soemone at my work that has always been therefore me since the day i started at that place and hes defended me so many times and now its like we dont even know eachother on shift i find it quite arwkward as we barely talk only really when we have too we dont have a laugh like we used to like every time i was on shift with shaun i love it cos i knew it was going to be fun relaxed hes not strict so you could basically do whatever you wanted in hindsight you know as long as you was doing your job and i would always be happy on shift with him and hed make me laugh so much id cry with laughter and its like all of that has gone megan bascially hates me now since its all kicked off and she was really trying to help me with my customer service and to be better and all that and she thinks that i betrayed her in this whole situation and she only ever talks to me when she has too and most the time tries to tell me off because shes just being a bitch with me and when megan doesnt like someone like me its super fucking obvious and it just makes me feel uncomfortable to come to work and i dread working with her ive worked for burger king for 2 years now and ive really had enough im a super fucking hard worker like super hard worker and ive worked weeks without days off just to help out at work and help everrything flow while running myself into the ground because i wanted to help out a few weeks or few months ago or whenever now really i get asked to do extra hours or stay behind its the first time in literally forever ive started saying no because im just getting massivlly taken advantage of of the fact that oh yeah dont worry chloe will stay but why the fuck should i stay and exhaust myself countless times exhuast myself kill myself off for a company for people who couldnt give a shit about me like ive done so so so much to help other people out and i get fuck all in return i really just want to quit if im being honest but i cant cos obviously everyone needs a job and im wanting to become a makeup artist so i need to keep putting money into my kit and what not so i cant just quit and i feel like if i do ill just get into a massive depression where i just wont eat i wont be able to get up and shower or brush my teeth or look after myself because ill just be so depressed and i dont want to do that to myself but there just seems like there is no plan for me in life and ive done some pretty fucked up things in my life before ive met james things he and nobody knows and i think is this what i get in return for doing bad things in life being unhappy being depressed wanting to kill myself wanting to just lay in bed and watch my life waste a way no even wanting a life like do i really deserve it and people say oh just get another job so i search and i search for another job and i apply for multipule jobs and its like working for the company i work for must get me fucking blacklisted from every job site ever like im unemployable and it just fucks me off because i feel like i do deserve to do what makes me happy and what i love in life and thats makeup and that is my dream my dream is to become a really really good fucking makeup artist one of the best and lifes just telling me no girl you cant do that youll never do that and you dont derserve to do that well maybe life is right but im sick of having ups and downs in life i cant costantly deal with it throughout my whole life imon the verge of becoming extremely suicidal and thats okay because life has nothing to offer me anyway anymore so im done