#i am severely mentally ill.

[nexus-nebulae]

how to not be anxious about existing in my own home

#anxiety and paranoia is so fucking stupid man #im just Scared™ for no reason #not at or about anything in particular i just Am #and it makes me too anxious to literally do Normal Things like Search Regular Fucking Shit On Google #like- i mean literally getting too anxious to look up ways to fix my stupid fingernails being fucked up #that's not even a suspicious thing to be searching but paranoia is just like No Fuck You and then i can't move #like what am i even fucking paranoid about there's nobody fucking HERE #i feel like my phone itself is watching me #which. it is. that's not even a debate it Is like everyone knows these things are made of spyware at this point #but even then like. there's no face behind the spying to judge me. and that's always what I'm afraid of is being seen by A Sentience #my phone doesn't literally have a person scanning everything i do every second like a video feed #I'm partially telling myself these things to convince myself it's true. #i am severely mentally ill.

[wolfram-but-art]

um uuh um the uh um

gill you bastard (affectionate)

btw reblogs are appreciated :3

#teehee #fish n chips #fish n chips jrwi #jrwi riptide #gillion x chip #gillion tidestrider #chip #chip nolastname #jrwi chup #gillion jrwi #two posts in one day whoag #i rewatched episode 21 i needed to draw it you don't understand #i am severely mentally ill about this campain

[cavennmalore]

Something weird I've noticed in the kotlc fandom that I really cannot wrap my head around is the treatment of the Vacker family, specifically Alden and Fitz. These are understandably popular characters (and for good reason) and it makes sense that people interpret them in different ways. I can't help but notice that some of the predominant discussions around them center on personality traits they just... don't have in canon.

Most of the characterizations I see of Alden treat him as a rampant child abuser. He's overbearing, stern, and determined to force his child to live up to the Vacker name by any means necessary. Naturally, Alden is not a perfect character or father, but such a harsh depiction flattens much of what makes him dynamic in the books. As I see it, there are two main flaws that Alden has in canon: his past with Prentice and his meddling.

What Alden did to Prentice is treated pretty seriously throughout the series. In Exile, it's made clear that falsely accusing (or, not so falsely, depending on what you consider the real crime to be) Prentice and performing the mindbreak is the biggest regret of his life. So big, that it shatters his sanity and ruins one of his closest relationships (Exile, Chapter 35; Nightfall, Chapter 3). It's the mistake that keeps on giving, and it's made abundantly clear that while Alden wasn't aware of what he was truly doing, he bears responsibility nonetheless. It's a burden that Alden takes extremely seriously, pushing him to search for the Moonlark for years, but more on that later. While his guilt over Prentice is an important part of his character, it's not the flaw that I usually see given the most weight in his characterizations.

Alden's meddling is prominent, to say the least. It heavily features in most interpretations I see of him online, largely negatively and largely without specificity. In canon, there are really two ways that his nosiness presents itself: his children's personal lives and his hunt for the Moonlark. The two best examples of his meddling as a parent come from his interventions in Fitz and Biana's friendships. In the first book, Alden encourages Biana to befriend Sophie because he worries about her (Keeper, Chapters 43 and 47). He acts similarly with Fitz and Keefe, encouraging Fitz to invite Keefe to Everglen so Keefe can avoid spending time with Cassius (Flashback, Chapter 21). In both cases, Alden doesn't go beyond asking his kids to spend time with potential friends. He doesn't micromanage their hangouts or insist it's for status reasons; he's interested in supervising kids who he worries are in a bad spot. This is notably different from Gisela's meddling, which is for personal gain with tangible, selfish goals (Neverseen, Chapter 63). Maybe Alden shouldn't be pushing his kids to spend time with those they don't have an interest in. But the eventual friendships that arise from them make up for it, in my opinion.

The other form Alden's meddling takes is his hunt for the Moonlark. As a manifestation of his guilt over Prentice's mindbreak, Alden enlists Alvar and Fitz to search the Forbidden Cities for the Moonlark. I've seen this search used as the basis for a lot of the animosity between Alden and his sons, which I think is incorrect. Alvar is the first hunter and is very open about how pointless he thought the endeavor was (Keeper, Chapter 28; Neverseen, Chapter 1). The difference of opinions over the Black Swan between Alvar and Alden is a point of contention in their relationship, but it's important to note that Alvar doesn't claim to feel pressured or pushed into the search. He just thinks the conspiracy of the Black Swan is stupid (Keeper, Chapter 28). Of course, much of this protesting was a cover for the fact that he was working with the Neverseen and would've been searching anyway (Neverseen, Chapter 63).

Fitz takes over the search at age six (Neverseen, Chapter 1). Fitz's age when being sent out is questionable at best, and I think is fair to criticize Alden for (though, I think the age has more to do with Shannon being unable to decide how Elvin aging is supposed to work since none of the other characters seem to think six is unreasonably young). But while the reader can freely critique Alden for this, what's crucial is that Fitz doesn't seem to mind this. Rather than be upset or resentful that Alden had him search for the Moonlark, Fitz calls it "the most important thing [he'll] probably ever do" (Stellarlune, Chapter 43). He's proud of the work he and his father did; if anything, it's a positive in their relationship. I've seen some arguments that pushing Fitz into the Forbidden Cities is part of a pattern of having kids do dangerous work (per Sophie doing Fintans mindbreak in Exile, even though that wasn't Alden's idea and he offered to disobey the Council if she didn't want to), which isn't necessarily unfair. What I do think is a problem is acting like the search for the Moonlark had a significant negative impact on Alden's relationships with his sons.

Part of the reason I think this interpretation is so prevalent is a contributing misunderstanding about Fitz's character. Fitz is often portrayed as anxiety-ridden over his role as a Vacker and the expectations that come along with it. Being a leader isn't something he wants, but something he feels pressured into. In canon, Fitz is almost the complete opposite. He's shown at being naturally gifted at telepathy and school and is incredibly charming. Being a Vacker -- and the expectations that come with it -- is something he embraces wholeheartedly. In fact, it is the loss of his leadership that causes struggle. A main point of contention that Fitz has with Sophie in Stellarlune (Chapter 43) is that he "still want[s] to be that guy that everyone looks to" even though that's no longer his role. None of this is to say that Fitz is perfect, or that he doesn't fight against the idea of being labeled so. Instead, much of Fitz's arc is about learning when to step back and change his perspective on the world, including recognizing when his privilege has clouded his judgment. His rejection of being labeled perfect has more to do, in my eyes, with having a difficult time reconciling his "idyllic" childhood with the harsher childhoods of his friends (Flashback, Chapter 21).

So what is the problem between the Vackers, if not fanon? The one issue that is repeatedly brought up by both Fitz and Alvar alike regarding their father is favoritism. Alvar felt ignored after the births of Fitz and Biana, claiming that Alden replaced him with Fitz whom he refers to as the "Golden Child" (Neverseen, Chapter 72; Flashback, Chapter 49). Fitz feels betrayed by his parents' immediate re-welcoming of Alvar when his memories are gone, insisting they prioritize Alvar over Fitz and Biana's safety (Flashback, Chapter 16). In both cases, Fitz and Alvar feel like an afterthought or the lesser child. It's that feeling that fuels (or encourages, considering Alvar's done quite a bit throughout the series to create independent hate lol) the animosity between them and Alden.

It's this "favorite child" dynamic that I find really interesting and unique about the Vacker's dysfunction in the series. Maybe it's just me, but I don't see a reason to paint over this dynamic with bullying, especially considering there is a father-son relationship in canon that is the Vacker fanon almost to a T. Cassius spent Keefe's whole life attempting to pressure him into becoming a "real" Sencen, which Keefe tried to do before realizing it was unattainable (Flashback, Chapter 21). It's the bedrock of their non-relationship. To shove Fitz and Alden into that pigeonhole is a disservice to each of these relationships, which have their own intrigues without sharing. None of this is to say that people can't headcanon as they wish, and to try and play with characters is the fun of fandom. I wouldn't want to discourage anyone from that or shame them for it. But to claim those relationships are canon is disingenuous to me and a misportrayal of the books.

#this is what severe mental illness looks like #this really isn't targetted at anyone specifically #i just had to get this off my chest #the vacker manifesto was long and its so so late here so forgive the fact that i am not reading this over #it goes up as is lmaooo #though i may return tomorrow morning and edit lol #also like. feel free to disagree w me #i did my best to cite everything if people wanna fact check #kotlc #fitz vacker #alden vacker #alvar vacker

[hooid]

My favorite boss, again.

I was asked a couple days ago what my favorite Hollow Knight boss is, but I think I didn't do a good enough job at explaining why I like the Pure Vessel so much.

It all has to do with how its Dream Nail dialogue ties its story in a way that's just as fitting as it is depressing, so let me explain.

As this has to do with the overall story of the game, I'll give a brief overview before tackling my main point so people that haven't played the game (you should!!) can at least understand what I'm trying to say.

The main story and world of Hollow Knights revolves around the actions of the Pale King, a godlike being responsible for the creation of the flourishing kingdom of Hallownest.

His kingdom was put in danger by a different god, The Radiance, who infected the minds of the bugs across the kingdom.

To combat this, the Pale King decided to create a vessel, something that could contain The Radiance and her infection so the kingdom could blossom once again.

He needed something that couldn't think, so it couldn't be corrupted by the infection.

He needed something that had no will, so it couldn't be broken.

He needed something with no voice, so it couldn't cry suffering.

The cost to save Hallownest would never be too great.

And thus, with the help of the White Lady (another god) he gave birth to millions of little Vessels, voided of the aforementioned qualities by the power of the Void, and only one prevailed: The Hollow Knight.

The Hollow Knight was trained for battle and, with the help of the Three Dreamers, imprisoned inside the Temple of the Black Egg to contain The Radiance for all eternity.

However.

The last DLC released for the game, Godmaster, gives us the opportunity to fight the Hollow Knight as if it was alive during it's prime form: The Pure Vessel.

And it's during this fight where we can (or at least, would have been able to) Dream Nail the Pure Vessel to reveal hidden dialogue, which reads as follows:

Do not think... Do not speak... Do not hope... Do not... ...

The fact that the Pure Vessel has thoughts at all is already indicative of it not being suited to contain the infection.

We are witnessing first hand how it was desperately trying to "fix" itself. The Hollow Knight wanted so badly to save Hallownest from the infection, and that feeling, that desire, that hope was what ultimately doomed them all.

Ironically, the thing that inspired the Pale King to save his kingdom was the same thing that ended with it.

Love.

And I think that's heartbreaking, and beautiful.

Thanks for reading, and much thanks to @blairelythere for the original ask that inspired me to make this post (I love you sweetie 💙).

#hoid talks hollow knight #I am severely mentally ill #hollow knight

[ceulfann]

kinda rude that I'm not under a sweaty gamer boys desk rn

#mlm nsft #gay #lgbt nsft #plzineedhimsb #(i am severely mentally ill)

[mittenhater]

cool. cool cool cool.

#monk #adrian monk #one of my favorite comfort shows forever and ever #am i going to pretend that it was a perfect depiction of ocd/mental illness? absolutely not #but god the way they managed to portray the isolation and loneliness that comes with severe/long-term mental illness.... #i felt and still feel incredibly seen by that #me and that man in his late 40s are basically twins #edit: episode is mr. monk and the tv star (s2e12)

[artzy-ari]

Chat hear me out

#ari speaks #sonadow #madohomu #please does anyone else see the vision or am i just severely mentally ill #anyways fuck it sonic pmmm au

[arcoart]

bald gate...... BALD GATE...........

#im alive im just severely mentally ill #ocd babybeyyyyyyyyyy #baldur's gate 3 #durge #the dark urge #bg3 fanart #bg3 #THIS IS MY DURGE VAL I LOVE THEM #in a snarky sorcerer/wizard relationship with gale #ok legit tho whoever wrote the durge plotline absolutely has ocd n i am french kissing them #my art #arcoart

[issdisgrace]

Did I just hang my cod poster directly above my bed?Yes, yes i did.

#I am severely mentally ill #I also have adhd and autism #I have hyper fixated on cod for probably to long but I don’t care #call of duty modern warfare 2 #cod mw2 #simon ghost riley #simon riley #ghost #cod mw2 ghost #simon ghost riley x male reader #simon ghost riley x reader #simon riley x male reader #simon riley x reader #ghost x male reader #ghost x reader #cod mw2 x reader #cod mw2 x male reader #cod mw2 ghost x male reader #cod mw2 ghost x reader

[hurglewurm]

bro when u are trying so hard to curate ur life experience so u don't go insane but the insanity comes from within

#i have been experiencing severe intrusive thoughts xoxo #when u feel urself get triggered when nothing is happening and u look inwards and it's You??? it's smth in there???? #and ur like WHO IS THAT?????? and it's you. like #does this make sense. #hurgle says things #was it earlier this year that i was starting to feel like i wasn't actually mentally ill lmao #like by no means is this the worst i've ever been. i'm chillin. #but at this point i'm like. oh this might be a Bigger Problem. #and i don't want that ! no thanks x #if i never look at it or get it diagnosed it's not real am i right babes ! #(don't live like me. go to the doctor.) #(don't keep things from ur therapist. or if ur brain deletes them when u need to speak abt them write them down)

[anaalnathrakhs]

love this part of my life where the things that are difficult but challenging and good for me are things i can stop and skip and halfass, but the things that are difficult and painful and pointless are the things i have to live with no matter what

#school and home life are too much to handle so i skip school #because i cant kick my parents out #and appartments cost money #and i dont have a car to sleep in #i could maybe try to dig up my old childhood tent but that brings a whole host of logistic questions + im scared and it's difficult #anyway. it's fine. it's cool. i just have to hold on until i graduate high shcool and then ????? #find a way to live without my parents money OR scholarships #all for some nebulous end goal of having a job (the only field i'm interested in and good at offers two options: #to become an academic #or to become a freelancer #i do not have the fortitude to be an academic and being a freelancer is convoluted and pays like shit) #i might've spent 24h without my parents occasionally if i spent the night at a friend's place once or twice recently #but besides that the last time i've gone 48h without my parents was when the mental health center organised a week camp uhhhh... #two summers ago #incredibly good for my mental health as you can see #god i remember like... years ago. around 13yo maybe or 14. a guy. i dont know if he was a mental health professional or like social cases #but anyway he told me ''you're too afraid to be away from mommy and daddy'' and it made me want to rip his eyes out #several other people have implied or suggested that too over the years and it's just #am i too dependant on my parents? yes. will it be difficult to take my independance? yes. #does it means i don't both rationally recognize and feel that this is really fucking unhealthy and hindering for me #on top of being unpleasant? #FUCK NO #i want out my guy. there's just not many opportunities for an already mentally ill teenager #now that i'm eighteen i have to grapple with the logistical problems of the money needed and how to continue my education #and im sure a billion more if i start searching a little more seriously #perhaps i should kill myself that way i don't cost anyone any more money #broadcasting my misery #vent

[toxins-very-gay-thoughts]

#i am severely mentally ill #toh #the owl house #lumity #luz noceda #luz toh #amity blight #amity toh #lumity toh #wlw #lgbt #sapphic #toh ships #wlw characters #lgbt characters #luz x amity #amity x luz #Lumity

[suncaptor]

I feel like we need to be more critical of like. health care systems including mental health very actively the same way people are critical of other institutions.

#incoherents #i know some people are but i also feel like some people don't grasp there are like. fundamental issues of power at place say in the mental #health care system to it's like. core way of functioning in the first place. it's not just like. sometimes it's bad. it IS primarily far wo #se for people who are like. severely mentally ill and poor and otherwise oppressed in society. #like the dynamics at hand have. so many fundamental issues. and i mean. it's what we got to work with. i am CONSTANTLY trying to use #anything I can from it to get better. but MUCH of what it has done has made me exponentially worse

[not-poignant]

Jesus H Christopher, Pia. Your writing load is insane.

Maybe you should cut back on how many chapters you release for certain stories? Like Stain and Palma (since these stories dont equal income) until UtB the other Underline stories are almost done. Just a thought

Because I feel burnt out just by thinking of writing that much, so I can only imagine how you feel. Please take care of yourself

Hi anon,

TL;DR: My brain is stupid, which is why I can't do this, even though it makes sense and is logical.

Unfortunately the fanfiction is what often makes the original fiction possible, or more enjoyable.

If I lock myself down into too much schedule and rigidity, or if I only focus on writing for money, I actually start to hate writing, even if I love the stories. There is nothing like 'will this earn money, do people like this, would people pay, what if they all decide to stop paying for this, why would they pay for this, would I pay for this, how much would people pay for this, is there any incentive for them to pay for this, actually if I wrote a ton of different tropes maybe I'd make more for this, but that's depressing, but I need the money, shit what do I do, what if I lose my income, what if it all stops tomorrow, I need to write more, I need to write more, I need to write more' that is actually very exhausting and makes writing not much fun at all.

And to deliberately break out of that headspace as much as possible, I write fanfiction. Because that headspace (the one I wrote about above), on its own, even if I'm only writing two stories, can and has led to burnout and depressive episodes. I don't recommend it.

In a way, one of the reasons I can write so many stories right now (ADHD meds aside) is that I am letting myself break out and just have fun with fanfiction, and remember that my original writing is meant to be fun too. But without fanfiction, I lose sight of that very quickly.

Fanfiction means that when an original story chapter does super badly, generally there are still excited comments elsewhere that keep me going. That's how I survived The Ice Plague, and that story would never have been completed without fanfiction, because that was my worst performer of any story I've ever written. It also means if a lot of subscribers leave at once, I don't feel like The Worst Writer In The World. So having fanfiction behind me was like...a literal safety net or my security blanket.

If I have to discard my security blankets or use them less often in order to keep writing the original stuff, I might as well just stop entirely, because my longest hiatuses from Patreon (i.e. one lasted 1.5 years, many have lasted 4-6 months) have been when I'm mostly just writing original fiction, and am not writing much fanfiction, or not deliberately finding time for it, and finally get so stressed out re: money I literally have to stop. I'm on a (partial) Disability Pension.

A long time ago some professional people told me I probably shouldn't be working at all because of my mental illnesses and then paid me money because of the severity of those mental illnesses. My dumbass brain be pretty fragile, actually, and keeps chugging away because I make bad business decisions and write stuff I enjoy instead of writing to market, or doing rapid release, or releasing more novels (or novels). Writing does ironically help when I'm stressed, but not when I'm stressed about making money because of writing.

I will cut at my income before I cut at my love of this job, and unfortunately fanfiction keeps me going in this job, which means I can't really cut at that first.

(Also from a business perspective, it's actually a very good funnel to the original stuff and then subscription. Most of you wouldn't be here if you hadn't read one of my fanfics first and then gave the original stuff a try - I try not to think about that too much because I need fanfic to not be about money, but the fact is, I would not have this career without fanfic).

I do have plans to take two weeks off in January from posting chapters (I can still post rewards in the second half of January) and that's not too far away.

And the reality is that I probably would have kept going okay if real life hadn't imploded on top of everything like the world's worst bukkake party.

#asks and answers #personal #pia on writing #i am not a smart business owner #i'm an emotional fragile mentally ill one #who has to make decisions that keep me wanting to do this job #because at the end of the day #my severe treatment-resistant mental illnesses #do not do well with the pressure of making money #and feeling like a failure #so i need to actually do things that aren't about money at all #to remind myself that i don't need to have a breakdown #over never making a minimum wage #(i'm getting closer though which is probably why this burnout came on) #(i've been pushing a lot harder than normal because... well... i'd like to make #an average income one day) #(i may not be smart enough or well enough to do that) #(but i will keep trying) #i just have to keep trying as someone with a very broken mind #who copes with that brokenness through working hard #breaks are stressful and i have to think hard about what's best

[icewindandboringhorror]

a quite simple outfit, trying to use the little blue and white apron thing (which is actually a dress I think, that I just leave un-buttoned in the back and added an apron-like tie to lol)

#self #mori kei #jfashion #NOT really but like.. it's.. adjacent I guess.. forgive me .. I may try using tags again though I kind of got out of the habit ghhj #I need to be... Seen to some degree. I want to start selling clothes and sculptures again to recoup the costs of having to euthanize my cat #and stuff . but that won't be very successful if I have like.. 15 people to sell to lol... #the eternal Hermit Conflict where you hate attention and Being Percieved in general yet in todays capitalist society it is nearly #a necessity to have some form of social network or media presence especially in creative fields. etc. etc. ... kicking screaming wailing #sobbing so on and so forth.. tearfully punching the cold mossy stone walls of my evil wizard tower... #I was also thinking of maybe opening a few sculpture commission slots and maybe Tumblr Blazing that post or something #but.. again.... sobbing crying interacting with the general public oughhf ouuch -500 HP #why can't I just be approached by some wealthy 65 year old woman who is nonsensically infatuated with my art for no #reason and gives me like $10.000 a week for food and art supplies and etc. and I can go fuck off into a cabin in the middle of nowhere #in the uk and just be left alone to work on my projects without even needing to build any form of connections or social presence because I' #already set for life and can just get funding and connections whenever lol.. WHICH not to be ungrateful like obviously I still appreciate #anyone who follows and interacts with my posts. I dont mean it in a 'grrr fuck all of you imbeciles I wish I could delete my blog!!!' or #whatever hhjkjk.. I just mean it more in a like.. I am very socially inept and my mental illness gives me severe social issues so any situ #tion where I'm expected to self promote or network or interact with others generally is nightmarish and stressful for many many reasons #and if I could somehow skip that part and just go straight to being a famous author or somethin.. that would be cool. Which I know EVERYONE #hates networking and stuff but I mean like.. on a level most people could not possibly comprehend.. I am not just an 'introvert'. I am like #doctors declare me incapable of functioning in general society very poor mental health prognosis probably should have a caretaker at #some point type Hermit lol.. ANYWAY ghbhj... alas.. I also feel weird about the sculptures in terms of what to charge for them #and always have which is part of why I stopped selling them. If I charged a fair even like $15 an hour many of them would be like #close to $150+. and nobody is going to pay that for a decoration. that doesn't even factor in like.. supplies or time spent communicating/s #etching the concept (if a commission) etc. etc. I thought it'd be better to just auction them then and let people pay what they want inst #d of a set price but etsy doesnt allow auctions and is it weird to just.. link people to an Art Ebay or something lol.. #AAAANYWAY.. the outfit.. I still love these shoes. they're nice and a little Older Style looking. always into pastel florals too lol #(everything is thrifted as usual. excited about the shirt because it's so puffy! it was in the halloween section though ghjhj.. like when i #s october and they make the special aisle in goodwill for 'Costume' clothes even though theyre all just normal stuff I would wear ghg)

[winterhcwk]

#its always sunny in philadelphia #iasip #i am severely mentally ill #obsessed with them in the unhealthiest of ways tbh #always sunny #mac macdonald #dee reynolds #charlie kelly #dennis reynolds #frank reynolds