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bagelbeee · 3 years

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Reading IOTNBO screenwriter’s interview brought tears to my eyes.

No kidding. It took TEN YEARS of preparation before Jo Yong formally wrote It’s Okay to Not Be Okay ( 사이코지만 괜찮아 lit. Psycho But It's Okay ) for ONE YEAR.

I was so touched by the effort that came with crafting a drama like this. I learned from Kim Soo Hyun that the preparation period was just as important as creating the final product, and I finally understood why.

It took Jo Yong that long to prepare writing. It’s a DECADE. It took her a decade to prepare, not write.

At first, while reading quote tweets in my timeline about how long Jo Yong’s preparation time really caught me by surprise. Not because of how long it took but rather why it took so long. I haven’t understood why she did that at first. I simply acknowledged the info because I didn’t know the context of it.

Then this happened:

Jo Yong honestly reveals that the character that she put in the most effort to carve out was Moon Sangtae, who had autism. (had to break the paragraph because of this wonderful text that comes next) “Do Moon Sangtae’s lines and actions accurately reflect autistic people? Would it cause the public to have wrong stereotypes and impressions? As I was filled with these worries and considerations, I consulted a psychiatrist’s opinions. I also sought the advice of a representative from Bear.Better, a company that provides employment for people with disabilities, and constantly reviewed the script.”

Sources: ENG Trans Taiwan’s ET Today exclusive interview with It’s Okay to Not Be Okay screenwriter Jo Yong (doramaticbites@twitter)

Man, I, I love the way she thought about this. In the beginning, Jo Yong immediately clarified that she has never done research in child psychology nor does she have any background in a related major.

She asked the right questions to herself and I could never be more happier. To past me, who wondered why IOTNBO displayed some sort of mastery over such a controversial topic, I finally have an answer for you. Besides this fact, I’d also like to remind myself that Jo Yong wasn’t alone in this preparation! From an Netflix Interview, Kim Soo Hyun told narrates how he consulted a caretaker to prepare for Gang Tae (observing how that person carried themselves, their expressions, and how they looked like from the outside) and then, he internalizes it well.

Oh Jung Se had to research as well in order to portray Sang Tae in a way that it does justice to the character, as well what they represent (I remember how he pointed out that Sang Tae isn’t suffering from an illness but rather was born this way).

Seo Yea Ji said (from her Harper’s BAZAAR Interview 2020) that their drama was “like a project with many high difficulty level homework”. She recalled that at the beginning, when she couldn’t portray the emotions right, she had to wipe her tears as she could not get into Moon Young’s character.

This cast have such a deep understanding and train of thought that it just blows me away. It’s a match made in heaven, period. This drama wasn’t built on talent alone, I came to understand. Sure, it takes courage, passion, and skills, but the work done behind the scenes was immense.

I’m no professional nor am I someone who is familiar with this field of work. However, as a viewer, I deeply appreciate and acknowledge the effort created behind such an intricate masterpiece that Jo Yong concludes, became the work she and I feel the proudest of.

#yeah im still not over iotnbo #can we get their interviews for the blu ray #BUT I CAN'T BUY IT MAN I--#i want more interviews like this #i am so curious and at awe #seo yea ji #oh jung se #kim soo hyun #its okay to not be okay #psycho but it's okay #kdrama #moon gang tae #moon sang tae #ko mun yeong

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newhologram · 3 years

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I know only a few of you are on IG so I wanted to give an update here on the past few days. I am doing this knowing the potential risk but I need to also record where I'm at right now in case anything weird happens.

My week has been like this so far. Sunday: Family Member 1 misplaced their Xbox controller. They kept asking me if I knew where it was, each time growing more and more aggressive. I don't have an Xbox, I reminded them. I have my own controller for my PC. But they kept knocking loudly on my door. They followed me outside where I was vaping and tried to accuse me of I don't even know what. Pawning off their controller? FM1 said, "Is there something going on that you're not telling me? SOMEONE'S messing with me!" Later that night they and their gf were making dinner. FM1 suddenly knocked harshly on my door and said aggressively, "WHAT DID YOU DO WITH THE OVEN MITTS" in an angry voice. I was already stressed from them harassing me earlier about the controller. I came out of my room, heart racing, and told them I had not used them that day. I helped find the mitts, which had fallen behind the trash can because the hanging hook had broken. I went to bed on edge, feeling unsafe and targeted, wondering why my family member was suddenly acting so paranoid and accusing me of misplacing their things... Something they actually have done to me my whole life, denying it until the moment my item is found, when they suddenly remember they did move it there (or accidentally throw it out/destroy it). The controller ended up being some random place in the living room. Monday: I went to leave for my acupuncture appointment. My booster seat/pillow thing was missing from my car. Not in the trunk or anything. I cannot drive without it. I'm too short to see over the steering wheel. I called FM1 and they have no idea where it could be, despite the fact that they drive my car every day. FM1's gf helped find it, in the garage. But I still had an epic fucking meltdown, sobbing the whole way to and from my appointment. I just cannot handle people moving my shit and disrupting my schedule like that. And it just hurt so much more knowing that FM1 was so awful to me the day before about their stuff being misplaced. I'm always having my personal belongings, my feelings, my personhood, disrespected. It hurts deeply. When I got home I stressed to them that this is my car, and my accommodation should not ever be removed from it under any circumstances. It was after this that I decided it was time to hold a family meeting. I called Family Member 2 and 3 over to the house. I read a long letter to them in which I told them about the talks I have had with my therapist, psychiatrist, and another psychologist. Even though I cannot be formally assessed and diagnosed at this time, I am being treated for autism. I detailed to my family my entire life of trauma that is traced back directly to my autistic traits, and my needs not only not being met, but being outright denied. I was denied empathy most of my life for my sensory issues, my pain, everything. A big part of this is gaslighting. Even if it's unintentional or not malicious, gaslighting is incredibly traumatic. Especially when it comes to my sensory issues. I have had even more problems with overstimulation the past year which means I can barely sleep, so my daily naps are even more important. I try to coordinate my naps when there is less activity in my house. But if I'm in a ton of pain and extra sensitive and ask for quiet, that's when I get in trouble and a fight happens. That's when FM1 tells me I "need to be realistic" and "can't expect the whole world to shut up for you"... when I'm literally saying "I have a migraine and need to rest, can you please not play loud music or slam cupboards in the kitchen for a few hours?"

I was emotionally neglected and abused by both parents. A lot of it is just the result of their own trauma that they have not dealt with... But I have also been physically threatened and assaulted by them at different times, though it only happened those specific times. (They won't ever admit to it though.) The emotional and mental abuse still goes on in my home. I am not allowed to have emotions. I have been told "STOP. WHY ARE YOU CRYING. LIFE'S NOT FAIR. WHEN YOU GET OUT IN THE REAL WORLD YOU'LL HAVE SOMETHING TO CRY ABOUT" over and over--like... in response to me crying about my pet dying, or in response to me crying bc I'm in horrible pain from my chronic illnesses, or crying after my usual yearly ER visit. I am also not allowed to have boundaries. I have tried to communicate with FM1 that these things hurt me deeply. And their response is basically, "YOU'RE SO UNGRATEFUL. I PUT A ROOF OVER YOUR HEAD!" and threats such as "BETWEEN TAKING CARE OF YOU AND GRANMDA, ONE OF THESE DAYS I'M GOING TO DRIVE OFF AND YOU'LL NEVER SEE ME AGAIN!" or "I'M THE ONE WHO SHOULD KILL MYSELF BECAUSE I HAVE TO TAKE CARE OF YOU"-- y'know, in response to having a disabled child. Ouch. The message is clear: I am nothing but an inconvenience and a burden to my family. I still have nightmares about them abandoning me, or abusing me more. I think in their heads they think that they love me. But this isn't love. If I try to talk to them about how dangerous it is for them to say things like that to me, they say "I never said/did that." Which brings us back to the gaslighting: I said that every time they gaslight me and tell me that my emotions/thoughts/experiences aren't real, it triggers me so badly that I self-harm and become suicidal.

I was very clear with them: I said that I can no longer have that in my life because one day it will kill me. I don't wanna die that way. I want to live. I have very bad PTSD and it's something I have worked on for 8 years but it has been worse the past year with so many disruptions and FM1's worsening narcissistic traits. I gave the choice to them. I said if they gaslighted me again that they were making the decision to not be in my life. Because this is about preserving my life. I'm trying not to die here. I'm literally trying to save my own life, even if that means not having a relationship with my family. They accept that I am autistic... But they then took turns gaslighting me. When I pointed out, "that's gaslighting. that's exactly what I just said in my letter. What you're doing is gaslighting" they went even harder on it. They said my experience and my trauma is "not in line with reality". They also said I "need to be reasonable" with the boundary that I'm setting (meaning: they don't believe in boundaries at all). They tried to guilt trip me with, "you can't cut someone out of your life because what if they DIE and then you FEEL GUILTY??" (I mean, what if I killed myself because you keep hurting me? Wouldn't you feel guilty about that?) They also guilt tripped me with "well we TRY to invite you to family stuff, and we try to include you, but you never want to go..." um... I guess they forgot I am chronically ill? Sorry if I don't have the energy or pain tolerance to drive an hour each way to a loud family party after I've worked all week? I cried and cried, I said this is exactly what I told you that you do to me and how it endangers my life... and you're doing it... while telling me you don't do it to me... They were all weird and told me "we love you and would do anything for you!" except... I guess, not gaslight me constantly? Idk. I felt so trapped. I felt so hopeless. I was up all night crying. I wondered, "Why is the idea of me having distance from them somehow worse than me being dead? Why would they prefer that I die rather than set a boundary that will save me?" And then I remembered: I had set the terms. They broke them. You do this, you're out of my life, because me being alive is more important than us having a relationship which will eventually kill me. I'm not trapped. It doesn't matter if they think they can prevent me from setting this boundary because they can't. I'm in charge of my boundary. So I blocked them on social media, as well as their phones. I have to unfortunately keep FM1 unblocked bc I live with them, they drive my car, and they look after my cats while I am at work. If I didn't have so many great things happening behind the scenes, if I didn't have my cats, if I didn't have amazing friends and followers who are supportive and kind... I can definitely see that I would have ended my life that night in some alternate timeline. That is how much pain I was in from them doing that to me. Them literally trying to gaslight me into not setting a boundary. I mean it would've been so ridiculous on their part, can you imagine? Me: Hey family, when you gaslight me, it makes me suicidal. I don't want to die, so either you stop doing that, or we can't have a relationship. Family: UHH NO *gaslights me anyway* Me: ok *kills self* Family: *surprised Pikachu face* Like???? Would they really have been shocked because it seems like they should have known since I told them directly? And that just shows that they really don't take my pain seriously at all. They think I'm overly sensitive and that my trauma is not real. That would have been a painful wake up call for them. I told my therapist all of this. And she agrees that this is good, this is going to not only ween them off of me but also allow me to focus on all the good stuff I have going on. I have to get moving. So much stuff has been lagging because I'm constantly recovering from them triggering me. I'm going to focus, and heal, and gtfo of here. Thank you for your support and for never invalidating my pain.

#teku #personal #d o nut #reba gel #!#donut rebagel plz

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adl-reborn · 3 years

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I just realized I forgot to post this here...

Tales of Metroville: Thought Experiments

Aston hadn't slept in 3 days. He had been researching non-stop to discover the ailment from which his friend, Phoenix, was currently suffering. You see, they both were invited to dinner by the president. In theory they both were to be debriefed about current affairs and of any unusual goings on that the two most powerful known mutants on the planet might be needed for. Aston, however, had no need of it - his clairvoyance had alerted him both to the topics of discussion and of all such events including many not on the agenda. Meanwhile, the normally quite outgoing Phoenix barely ate and didn't speak at all, and when they both returned home he locked himself in the master bedroom to do who knows what.

If ever there was a good time for Aston's comprehensive ability to read peoples' minds, this would be a good one, but it isn't so simple with Phoenix. Try as he might, Aston could never do this with Phoenix. Even after years of trying, Aston could only ever manage to read vague emotional states, but that only told him the obvious. Distracted by this, so too was he unable to clearly see the path ahead. And so his research continued. Depression, Anxiety, MPD, and many others. He read through the DSM5 until he reached the chapter on autism.

At this point he paused as his sleep deprived mind called back to his childhood. His odd behavior as a preteen had prompted a visit to the psychiatrist - a visit which he left with a diagnosis of "Asperger's Syndrome". It was described as a milder form of Autism - one which could lie undetected in many. Needless to say he was familiar with it and had recognized much of himself deep within Phoenix's personality, but ultimately the DSM did not help beyond providing a starting point...

Luckily Aston did not need to look far to find his answers. Where official medical documentation failed actually autistic people filled the void, and crucially the true nature of a meltdown and a new concept - burnout, were introduced to him. Additionally, Aston found himself unable to read many of the individuals presenting their point - a correlation which Aston surmised was due to a radically different mind, but finding that out for sure wouldn't be easy...

The only way Aston knew to read minds of a type he had never read before was through a technique he dubbed a "mental fusion". It's theory of operation was similar in principle to what many Trekkies call a mind meld. This was a technique Aston had only ever done once - by accident, he did this to his father on the day he ran away - a fight had broken out between the two and they had inadvertently fused for but a few seconds. In that time they could feel each other's thoughts as one, and Aston gained a roadmap of the human mind, but Aston was overwhelmed by this and ran off into the forest. It was an ability he had sworn to never use again...but his friend was in danger and he knew it.

Slowly Aston opened the door - inside was Phoenix, sitting in the fetal position rocking to soothe his frayed nerves. He held his legs tight against his belly and did not speak to greet Aston. Where Phoenix once stood a timid child remained. As Aston approached Phoenix turned and looked apprehensively in his direction. Aston could see in Phoenix's eyes that his distress was great. As Aston sat down close to Phoenix he was apprehensive at first, but a calming touch from Aston soothed him enough to stay. They sat like this for a while - Aston holding an obviously distressed Phoenix, but he knew what he must do and that it would be uncomfortable.

Slowly Aston moved his right hand to Phoenix's right temple. Phoenix became agitated for a moment and started shaking his arms but Aston calmed him with the left. Once positioned, he waited for Phoenix to calm down and gently positioned his left hand. With his hands in position a faint blue glow began to appear, glowing brighter with every second. Phoenix let out a yell..."I'm sorry..." Said Aston. They both yelled in unison as their minds became one. In an instant they both found themselves unconscious

One hour later...

Aston awoke but not in reality. His fusion was more complete than he had anticipated - he surmised he must be in a shared dream as they both were extremely exhausted. Aston, being a proficient lucid dreamer realized this straight away, but he knew if he could recognize this that the dream is important in some way. In the distance he hears a cry.

It is Phoenix - crying out for help. Alone in the distance. In this dark void he can see nothing, and conjuring a flashlight nor a vehicle has no effect. He continues to run in the direction of the yelling but to no avail - Phoenix remains out of reach. Aston calls out to Phoenix but there was no response........

2 hours later

Aston awakens once again - this time in the house but in his bedroom. Objects are not in their designated places so here too this is a dream. Aston proceeds to navigate to Phoenix's room. He lies on the bed staring at the ceiling unresponsive. As Aston approaches Phoenix apparates into a standing position and then runs up to Aston crying to which they both share embraces...

2 hours later

The sound of screaming pierces in Aaron's ear once again waking him. Again he is in Phoenix's dream - the same one as the first time. Aston remembered well how he failed to handle this dream the last time so he tries a different tactic. He calms his mind and senses Phoenix's precise location. Though they can not see each other, Aston knows he and him are now together. Aston sits down next to Phoenix.

"It's alright...I am here to comfort you." Stated Aston. What was once a cry became a whimper, and the once dark void is now illuminated by a dim yellow radiance. "I am here for you Phoenix, no matter your darkest hour nor your worst fears." The yellow radiance grows in illumination from Phoenix's chest. The two mutants once again embrace one another, and the once dark void is now pierced by a blinding light. "Do you mean it?" Replied Phoenix. "I'll let the actions do the talking..." Aston returned...

2 hours later

"So you finally found it"

Aston awoke once again - this time in a peaceful garden surrounded by a lake with small gentle waves. A fog obscures any view beyond.

"Welcome to my world" stated Phoenix to the now slowly arousing Aston. "I never thought I would see you here, but I figured one day you might show up." "What...is this place?" replied Aston, "it seems peaceful, relaxing even."

"This is my comfort zone" replied Phoenix, "I come here to escape the demands of the world when they become too much to bear." "I couldn't come here for far too long - we were too busy saving the world." continued Phoenix, "I thought I had lost it forever - in its place I only found darkness."

"That was your first dream, and the third. What about the second?" Replied Aston. "The house is where we always go when we're done for the day." Phoenix stated, "I thought maybe I could relax there." "It didn't work out as I had hoped...but at least you were there." Phoenix continued, "If I had been alone in there I don't think it would have done anything. I was just laying there, worrying about all of the drone strikes, supervillains, contingencies, space nukes. You know, all that crazy stuff they brought up at the meeting."

"It's all so stressful you know! And, it's kind of hard to explain, but the lights...they felt blinding, and the klinking of so much silverware on porcelain didn't help either. It felt like I was expending every last drop of my being to not explode from all of the stress!" "I...had no idea." Replied Aston, "I was just sitting next to you. I already knew everything they had to say but since you had said nothing I didn't know what to expect! Even now after fusing I still struggle to comprehend the sheer depth of your thoughts. To be honest the buzz from the busted TV was starting to get on my nerves though...you don't think..."

"I know what you're going to say - I was diagnosed with ADHD, not Asperger's." quipped Phoenix. "Since when have I ever lied to anyone let alone you?" Replied Aston. "I just spent 72 hours straight tearing the internet apart to figure out why you locked yourself in a room. Not because I wanted to get back to saving the world - we both know it doesn't need saving right now. I did that because I knew you were deeply distressed...but I couldn't understand why until now." "This is not a place for argument." Aston continued, "This is a place to escape to when the going gets tough. Just as I can sort of read your thoughts now you should be able to read mine. Look, and see I am not wrong. All you need to do is look at me, focus, and visualize my mind inside yours."

Phoenix was skeptical, but did as asked. To his surprise it worked - all of the research Aston had done up until the point of fusion was laid plain to see. Every disorder in the DSM5. All of the documentaries, YouTube videos, and articles read. So too was Aston's past - all of the struggle he had to endure. He had a fake ID in high school - not so he could drink, but to rent an apartment of his own away from his father's prying eyes in Metroville - far from anywhere he would think to look. His Asperger's was plain to see - a similar but less intense mirror of Phoenix's own past.

As he came out of the vision Phoenix embraced Aston. "Thank you, Aston..." He finally said, "I think you saved me...from my own mind." "It's no sweat, that's what friends do am I right? Sometimes the heroes of the story need saving too." They both stood up, and the dream ended.

Aston awoke holding Phoenix in his embrace. So too did Phoenix not long after. Aston now could see some of Phoenix's thoughts, but Phoenix still remained an enigma - further refinement would be needed to fully understand his mind. "Did you sleep well?" Aston inquired? "Yes...or at least better than I have in the past few months." Replied Phoenix. "I'm glad...seems you needed it." Aston stated. "No kidding...I guess I needed to not feel completely alone for once." Said Phoenix, "Say...that technique you used to get inside my head...I thought you couldn't get inside my head." "That's what I thought too...until I figured out just how different your mind is wired compared to the norm." Replied Aston, "I took an educated guess that you were Autistic - that led me to find out that your brain is almost 100x more complicated than a normal human, and I daresay probably more complicated than mine." "Does that mean I have the same abilities you do then?" Phoenix inquired, now intrigued. "Maybe..." Replied Aston, "You want to find out?" "Sure, but I bought pizza the last time we trained so it's on you this time." Stated Phoenix. "Gladly!" Replied Aston, "I think this will be fun!"

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autiebiographical · 4 years

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Hi, autie.

I love you.

Um, sorry... I don't have a word to tell you how thankful I am to your comics. So if you perceive this as a kind of love confession, I'm sorry as my love see you as friends.

Please skip this to end part if you feel tired, it will be a long story from the start.

Uh... I admit I don't have a good english and my own tongue, so let's hope that my words will reach you.

I am an Introvert Feeling with autisme and I only knew it last year (I am 20 right now as four days ago it's my birthday (but I'm feeling that I still in 10 years old or older than 50)).

At first, when I'm still ten years old, I have uncontrollable emotions like angry at jokes and broke things (fortunately, I kind of controlled it now?). I kind of keep myself caged at library or my room as playing with other children will trigger my trauma. The same year, I had accident cause I saw my higher class did it and nothing happened to him. I followed him even though I kept telling me to stay away. But I remembered that I don't feel anything, like I am confused to see my teachers worried? And I went to hospital.

After that, I remembered when I was in kindergarten. When I accidentally made my friend fell of from spinning wheel (it's crowded and I am the spinner (I'm not on it)), I am confused why she's crying and only focus on the spin (kind of, my memories was hazy). Now, I feel guilty everytime I remembered that.

I felt that I'm dangerous (not only because of that), so I shut myself away from peers. Even, from my families.

Everytime, everyday, every month, and every years... I always asked myself, why I am like this... why I did that... or why I keep thinking this instead of interacting with human?

I don't know and the god answered me with one book (I realised it one year later). It was about Autism or Asperger Syndrome. I remembered that I told my parents to bought that for my interests looking and want to learn psychology (cause in the past, I met it and interacted with some? Or I was bullying them without me realizing? I don't know)

I related some in the book but it still didn't clicked my mind. I just thought, "Isn't it normal?"

And one year later... I got diagnosed for depression, anxiety, etc. It was the test online from university that I dropped out now (I don't feel anything, just like when I was accepted by it).

Not only that, I was sent by the doctor to psychiatrist cause I always said that my body feel pain even though I'm okay? (I only knew the reason after I learnt about bio psychology only for two weeks ago)

After questioning many things, my psychiatrist said that I have to test three times. One is for my iq (this was fine as I always love this kind of quiz), one is for my like or hate (I always exhausted and kind of made some questions in bland), and finally the one I didn't recognized (The answer of all my suffering but I still need help cause I don't know the feeling in the question).

I answered it all with more honesty than I would in high school (cause I thought with the brain, not feeling) and kind of shocked to my answer. It has more than one answers, as like 'how much this will happen questions'

And... voila, my psychiatrist asked me if I know Asperger syndromes?

I said maybe but don't catch the memories where did I knew the words. I searching in internet and found one pictures that related to my experiential live hoods (surprise! I am a girl). Somehow, my life been flashed around my eyes. Just maybe... I did that (the 'bullying' or imteraction I had to them) because I was kind of jealous of them, like they can be free to express their emotion because someone already knew their diagnosis (my parents until now didn't get the official result of my test (and I always thought that they think I just want some reason to be... accepted behaviour (remember... that I have to kept this thing all by myself for 8 years)). Fortunately (before I went to the new university), I had a therapy (only for four times cause money and time), kind of better now.

So why am I so thankful to you?

It's so many so I just list what I remembered now.

1. Your comics helped me to write about autistic OCs (yeah... It's kind of piled up now) and recognized that my info dumping was informations about all of my OCs (yes, I kind of remembered that) and making relation one to another characters.

2. You are one of the reason that;

I love myself,

I picked psychology course,

I know how to interact with other autistics,

I know that it's okay to be self diagnosed,

I know that I'm not alone,

And finally... It's okay to info dumping but I still see the situation first.

In conclusion, you saved my life. But why?

Oh I forgot to tell you, it's really crucial for me.

I kind of have suicidal mind, like my thoughts were step ahead of me and I saw myself jumped to the running car when I wanted to crossing the streets (in the past I kind of got hit by motorcycle and I was fine only scratches (it was a secret)) or when I was using the knife, I saw it as my skins got bloody.

Fortunately, all of that only illusion and I still kind of controlled myself (cause my lessons in school and my mother scolded me that I am important to my parents (I always thought that they still had my younger sister if I were gone since my childhood))

As I am reading your comics, I kind of had found hope in my life now... like if you can tell your comics to the world, why I can't be?

So... Thank you and I am sorry if you feel attacked or think that I only joking with my autistic diagnosis (i'm not joking). Don't worry to skip my ask if you feel uncomfortable (I knew the feeling to feel tired through a long chat in group chatroom but I can't help it).

Oh and sorry for not watching you live, cause my anxiety made me not liking to hear other my family's voice even my own voice (except songs, I tolerated that).

I learnt that if someone said love to the one their loved ones, It will came back to you. (I got it from my imagination friend, yeah... I still had them until now).

Then goodbye and I love you with your comics, see you soon😁

Thank you so much. I really don’t think you’re joking about your autism, and this message didn’t make me feel uncomfortable or attacked at all. Sorry it took a while to respond though.

I’m so happy that my comic helped you so much. Life is so scary, and confusing when you think there’s something wrong with you, and that you’re alone, when in reality there’s nothing wrong, and you’re not alone. The fact that my comic helped you learn to love yourself just fills my heart with so much joy. It took me so many years to learn to love myself so I understand how hard it can be. I wish you nothing but the best, and hope that your life just keeps getting better!

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keyofshadows · 3 years

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Okay, so I finally told my brother about my autism diagnosis. Like half an hour ago. It went...almost how I expected, and now I’m wishing I’d kept it to myself. Beware the awkward expression, I’m kinda all over the place right now.

He called me out to the living room initially to talk to me about getting biblical counseling, despite me already seeing a therapist. He thinks it’ll help more. (I don’t.) We went back and forth over it a bit, and I ended up agreeing to at least emailing the people about the program. He doesn’t care if I don’t stick with it, he wants me to at least try it. Ha.

But when that was over, I felt compelled to finally bring up the ASD diagnosis. So I explained about how I’d always had my ‘quirks’ and wasn’t sure if it was my shitty upbringing or what, and how maybe the last five years or so I’d started to wonder if I was autistic. We have an autistic cousin, which was a surprise to learn at the time, because when he was diagnosed as a child his family hid him away for years. I only saw him again as an adult, which was when I was told, ‘Oh hey, we’re going to go see your aunt and uncle this weekend, by the way, Adam has autism. Just thought I’d tell you so you’re not startled.’ I mean, what? (Btw, my cousin is awesome, and they finally started bringing him to family gatherings. It was nice to see him more.) Anyway. I told my brother about how this year I’d finally asked my doctor how to get diagnosed, and she’d gone, ‘Yeah, I think you do have autism, let me refer you to the psychiatrist here at the clinic’, and the psychiatrist did her evaluation and said congrats! (Okay, so not like that.)

My brother just sits there and looks at me and tells me he doesn’t believe I’m autistic, the doctors are wrong. He’s familiar with the DSM-IV and DSM-5 and everybody is a little bit autistic and he just doesn’t see it. If it’s something I want to believe and pursue, that’s fine. I had asked at the beginning of the conversation that we keep it between us because my sister-in-law sucks with this shit and I didn’t need her trying to ‘fix’ me and treating me different, and he agreed, but now he says we need to talk about this again later, all three of us, because he can’t keep something like this from his wife. So I pointed out the whole reason I asked for confidentiality was exactly this, that she’d give me shit over it and try to fix it. He goes, ‘Yeah, she’s like that.’ BUT GET THIS SHIT. Apparently several months ago she was ‘doing research’ or just tripped over stuff about Asperger’s, noticed how I matched up with a lot of it, and asked my brother if he thought I was autistic.

Are you fucking kidding me. So my primary care doctor notices shit, my sister-in-law, who has only known me for like two years notices shit, I’m officially diagnosed by a psychiatrist who only met me twice, and the dude I grew up with thinks I’m not?

I explained about masking, I don’t know if he gets it. I gave him examples of things I’ve done that I know confuse him when they happen (sometimes my meltdowns involve me losing my words and being unable to speak when he’s stressing me out), I told him some of my other bits and just...

Does this count as rejection? It feels like rejection. I did tell him I was worried that he’d treat me different or see me as a burden and he assured me he doesn’t, and he wouldn’t if I was actually autistic. But now I get to worry about my sister-in-law’s bullshit. She’s already tried to ‘fix’ my other health issues, while refusing to believe I have severe asthma and fucking spraying shit everywhere, then playing the victim when asked to stop. So I’m dreading when he tells her. She’ll probably want to kick me out, I wouldn’t be surprised.

Do you know how much fun it is to have vertigo when one of your primary stims when anxious is rocking back and forth? I’m probably going to get my cars out again and organize them into categories as a distraction.

#autism spectrum disorder #actually autistic #rl #family #what the actual fuck #oh oh he also kept referring to it as a mental disorder #I corrected him repeatedly #I swear to god he had more than two brain cells before he met his wife #trigger warning for bullshit

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ladyofpurple · 5 years

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here it is: the post Literally no one was waiting for. i'd put it under a read more thing but i'm on mobile and can't be assed to get out of bed so fuck it. we air our dirty laundry on main for the world to see like men.

so waaay back in february or something, i started seeing a psychologist again. i'd been seeing a psychologist for a while last year, but she had a private practice and got too expensive over time, so i had to stop. now, however, i finally got a referral to the public mental health offices in my county. which is nice, because norway has this neat thing that means when you go to the doctor, public health care facilities, refill prescriptions for medications you have to take daily, etc, the money you spend on those things gets recorded and after you've spent like $260, you get a free card that gets logged into your medical records and you don't have to pay for any of those things for the rest of the year.

anyway, i mentioned a couple of years back that i finally got put on antidepressants for the first time. they helped a lot, but then i just... stopped taking them. there wasn't a reason, really. i just forgot to take them one week when i was stuck in bed with a headcold, and then it was hard to get back in the habit again. i tried to get back on them off and on for a long time, but i'd inevitably just forget again. until, like, i wanna say november/early december last year? i started taking them again. there were still some slip-ups every now and then, but for the most part i took them almost every day. any gaps were no longer than two, maybe three days at the most, and those gaps were maybe once a month or so on average. averages aren't really useful in this context, but i hope you get the idea.

anyway, i finally convinced my doctor that, no, seriously, i really need to see a psychologist, i've always needed to see psychologists my whole life, seeing psychologists help me, i can't afford a private psychologist so i need a public one, and after a lot of begging and insisting on my end and a lot of hemming and hawing on her end she finally agreed to refer me. except she forgot to actually send the email she'd been typing in front of me, and then she quit, so there was a lot of confusion and time spent sorting things out until i got my first appointment.

i didn't like my psychologist at first. she was way older than i'm usually comfortable with (that's a personal me-problem that i know is irrational, and i'm not gonna go into the why but yes i'm working on it), and very blunt in an exasperated sort of way. she made me angry sometimes. she made me feel like i wasn't trying hard enough. but she helped me get shit done, so i guess she was doing something right.

in june she called in a psychiatrist to help adjust my medications, so i started taking zoloft in addition to the other medication (remeron, aka mirtazapine) that i was already taking. the mirtazapine was helping with my depression, but my anxiety was still pretty bad. the zoloft helped.

by my second appointment with my psychologist, she asked me whether i could have adhd, or if there was a history of it in my family. now, i have a lot of family with adhd (how closely related we are by blood is a bit of a mystery to me, my family tree is more like an overgrown hedge and who knows who fits where), and my grandma used to joke that the women in our family "all have a little bit of that adhd brain in us", but as far as i knew, nobody in my immediate, direct bloodline had such a diagnosis. i had my suspicions about myself, of course — i knew that not every focus or attention related problem necessarily has a specific attention disorder source, but i also knew that what i was experiencing couldn't be "normal," in the sense that if i walked into a room with 100 people in it, 86 of those people wouldn't necessarily look at a list of my symptoms and go "oh same hat." i've had add on my about me for a while now. maybe that was silly of me; i hadn't been diagnosed with it, and what i knew about the specifics of it were picked up piecemeal off the internet. you know, that super-reliable place where everyone is honest and factual all the time?

anyway, this began the process of investigating the merits of such a potential diagnosis. research was begun. questionnaires were taken. my mom was invited to one of my sessions, in which she revealed that, oh yeah, bee tee dubs, she's always suspected i have adhd. did she mention that she has also apparently always suspected ocd and that i'm autistic? no? whoops, well, she has now.

end of june i was referred to the neuropsychologist devision of the public health care place. over the course of a little over 6 weeks i went in for 2 interviews, in which i answered several questionnaires, talked about my life and childhood and traumas and what my mom had told me about her pregnancy and labor, every possible symptom i'd ever had, and was sent home with even *more* questionnaries. in addition to these, i went in for two rounds of "testing," in which i was tested on my memory, pattern recognition, reaction time, impulse control, and probably a dozen other things. i was nervous. it was exhausting. i wanted answers but was terrified of what those answers would be.

end of august, my mom came with me for the big reveal. and guess what? she was right. primary diagnosis: adhd, special emphasis on the attention deficit part. bonus diagnosis: asperger syndrome. surprise! i'm autistic, i guess.

it was hard to come to terms with. which sounds really silly, since i wouldn't have even been taking those tests if i didn't think the outcome was a possibility. and it's not like the diagnoses were surprising either. the adhd part was easier to accept, mostly because i already felt pretty confident i had it. but the asperger diagnosis was harder. having to unlearn all those ingrained ableist stereotypes and social stigmas is hard, especially when you had some you didn't even realize were there. it's very surreal to think a thought and be like "no, wait, i do that. that joke is about me." it's a very surreal and slightly upsetting experience to realize how biased you are as general rule, but especially about a facet of your own identity you weren't aware of. and the feeling of everything and nothing changing all at once. i've always been like this. a doctor telling me i have two cognitive/developmental disabilities isn't an event that magically gave me these disabilities. my brain has always worked like this. the only difference between me now and me a year ago is that i have an official, medical reason for Why now.

that's another thing: coming to terms with the idea of being "developmentally disabled." it's not like i'm suddenly a different person — i have to constantly remind myself that my brain has always been like this. but having a piece of paper confirming that i am legally entitled to special allowances in the workplace or at school because i have not one, but two "disabilities" is absolutely buckwild to me.

it makes me reevaluate my life and my past. how many situations did i make worse because i did not have the capacity or knowledge about how my own brain works to self-reflect? was i high-functioning in the past because life was simpler? was it because i subconsciously had a better handle on what works for me and what doesn't, and somewhere along the way i lost that? or was it simply because i didn't have the option to be anything other than high-functioning? it's confusing.

i also lost my spot at college. i can still reapply next year if i want, but at least now i know why i was failing out lmao

anyway, by my birthday in september we started the process of adjusting my medication again. upping my zoloft, getting me off remeron, and as of 6 weeks ago or so, beginning ritalin.

it was a rocky start, but i'm up to 60mg now. two pills in the morning, one in the afternoon. i have a goddamn alarm for 8am every day, even weekends. my sleeping is still wonky, but at least im genuinely tired by 8pm every night. the psychiatrist still wants me to try melatonin for a month (even though i told her multiple times it has never worked for me, and my problem has never been "i'm not sleepy enough"), so i'm on a whopping 2mg of melatonin for the next 30 days. norwegians are fucking WEIRD about melatonin, don't even get me started.

a slightly unexpected side-effect (on my end) of these medication changes: remeron made me gain weight. like, a lot of weight. and i was constantly hungry all the time, overeating to ridiculous amounts. why did nobody ever tell me that weight gain and metabolism changes are a side-effect of anti-depressants? i was more active this summer than i'd been in, like, three years and i just got fatter. which was incomvenient because i kept outgrowing my clothes. anyway, a side effect of ritalin is a loss of appetite and general weight loss. the combination of regularly taking ritalin and dropping remeron entirely? i eat a fraction of what i used to before, i've almost entirely stopped snacking, and i've lost 15 lbs in less than a month. i've already noticed my face is slightly slimmer now. maybe by christmas i'll be able to fit into my old tshirts again.

anyway, my psychologist quit, so i have a new one now. i've only seen her a few times, but she's veeeery different from my old one. i can't decide if i like her or not.

in the middle of all this, i've been going to the social security office as well to kind of get some of my own money, possibly help me get a job at some point in the future. my caseworker is super nice. if she's over 30 i'd be shocked. i relate to her really well, she's very helpful and understanding, and she's very patient with me and my bullshit. she's the kind of person where if we met at a party or something we could probably hang out.

anyway, she's helped me get out of the house sometimes. she introduced me to this youth club volunteer group thing called the fountain house, designed for young people who've dealt with or are currently dealing with mental illnesses and such. i hung out there yesterday and the day before and did some basic office work. it's nice. and then there's a work placement place that can either give you a job on site in one of their four departments, or help you get a job at an actual business elsewhere with more support and leniency than you might get if they just hired you off the street. i'd start in their second hand store. they clean and restore all donations they recieve, and they're super fucking cheap. i treated myself to my literal lifelong dream of owning a vintage typewriter (!!!!!) yesterday, because it's almost christmas and goddammit, i've been doing so much shit the past couple of months i deserve it. do i have space for it? not really. do i have a plan on what to use it for? no. was it heavy and miserable trekking through the snow and rain yesterday back and forth? was it worth the backache in the morning? fuck yeah it was.

a fucking lot of things are happening all at once. diagnoses, medications, lifestyle changes, work placement, social clubs, dealing with bureaucracies on all sides just so i can feel like a person again, not to mention juggling hobbies like writing and drawing and maintaining my irl friendships. i'm getting as many balls rolling as i can while i have the opportunity and mental/emotional capacity to, but i'm worried i'll burn out again. i'm stabilizing and slowly building my life back up, but jesus christ it would suck if this stupid house of cards collapsed again. but i'm tentatively optimistic. who knows, maybe it's not to late to course-correct my mistakes.

so long story short, that's why i've barely been active on tumblr for months. that's why i haven't been writing, drawing, or reading fic. it's coming along, but it's slow.

i guess the most important thing is that it's coming along at all.

#the tmi nobody asked for and will probably never read — you're welcome #Lady of Purple's slice of life #mental illness #medication #adhd #autism #personal

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actuallylorelaigilmore · 5 years

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i just need to vent. ranting about the us system for mental health care ahead. i wasn’t going to put it behind a cut, but it got obscenely long.

okay. so anyone who knows me or who follows this blog knows that my brain is pretty broken. it’s creative, and fun, and smart, and all that, but also just suuuuuuuper broken.

because us healthcare is ALSO broken, i didn’t get my full slate of diagnoses until i was almost thirty. and that was a long, convoluted process that is a whole other story, but what matters at this point is that my fascinating brain is officially comprised of generalized anxiety, bipolar 1 disorder, autism, and adhd (plus i think a few cats in a trenchcoat).

now, if you’re not familiar with all of those disorders, like i wasn’t prior to being diagnosed, you might be surprised to learn that the combination? is INCREDIBLY fun. the stimulants that they often prescribe to those of us with adhd can trigger manic episodes in those of us who are bipolar, which means two parts of my brain are locked in a permanent battle to see which one gets treatment and which one just gets to drive me crazy.

before i won my disability case a few years ago, i didn’t have insurance, and i lived in utah, a state that is super proud to have healthcare for mormons & the wealthy and death for everyone else. while i was there, the battle over utah rejecting aca money just to spite the sick and poor was raging on, and so my mental health care was a free clinic that was prohibited from prescribing the exact medication i needed for the problem i went to them for.

instead of helping treat my adhd, they gave me my first diagnosis that would eventually be specified as bipolar 1 disorder, and they gave me meds for THAT and told me it would probably help the adhd too.

it didn’t.

but being medicated for the bipolar disorder was still pretty amazing. the difference between me on meds and me off them isn’t like, institutionalization yet, thank the gods. but it is the difference between feeling sad and then moving on with my day or me standing in one spot sobbing uncontrollably until i nearly pass out because a movie I HAD SEEN BEFORE was sad.

but you know what’s just fabulous about us healthcare? (spoiler alert: the answer is nothing) the care you have access to varies based on where you live!! and because we can all control exactly where we live based on our healthcare needs, that’s just wonderfully designed. really fantastic.

so when we moved from utah to california, a move that was wanted but also financially necessary, i went from a localized system of university-based insurance to a different plan each time i found myself in a new city. because even if i was only moving a hour away, it put me across the county line, which of course changes your options every. single. time. you move.

and every single time i moved, and got a new insurance plan, i had to find new doctors. which meant waiting while i was transferred to the new plan, then waiting until i could see my new doctor, then waiting to see the specialist approved by my insurance, and none of that included the time it took me to actually contact each of those people, because i have to talk myself through an impending panic attack every time i dial the phone.

but that’s not even the worst of it. the waiting sucks, the long loooooong gaps in coverage and going without my medication sucks. but the worst of it is not being able to be treated at all.

it’s been more than five years now, since i went to a college counselor who told me they couldn’t help with the focusing problems i was having that were so severe i couldn’t do my class readings. it’s been almost that long since the free clinic promised me that if i just took the anti-seizure medication that they used for bipolar disorder, my adhd symptoms would improve.

it’s been years since the incredibly kind and knowledgeable psychiatrist in salt lake city explained my four concurrent disorders to me, and then explained why i couldn’t be allowed help for the adhd because it was just too dangerous.

it’s been more than a year since i went to multiple talk therapy sessions that were required before getting me a prescribing psychiatrist appointment, only to be told when i arrived for that final, promised-land-after-years-in-the-crazy-desert-of-my-brain appointment, that the psychiatrist didn’t feel qualified to work with my multiple conflicting disorders and there was nothing anyone could do for me. i broke down crying in the lobby. i still feel bad for the receptionist who was given the awesome job of telling me that.

i think it’s been about a year that we’ve lived here now, in this NEW california city, where i have ANOTHER primary care provider. this one had trouble communicating with my autistic self at my first appointment, and i might still be there asking her to explain her questions better if my spouse hadn’t been in the room to translate for me.

my new doctor (the third, or the fifth, or the seventh, at this point, i’ve lost count) will not prescribe mental health medication to me. i have to see a specialist. which i get on principle, it isn’t her expertise and i’m new to the area. but it’s a year later, and i’m still off my meds, and i’m still trying to get back on them, let alone get help FOR THE THING I SOUGHT HELP FOR five years ago.

today my spouse was able to get through to my referred psychiatrist, who i’d been getting the voicemail of with no reply for months now. he isn’t available. the last psychiatrist i was assigned won’t take patients who have the doctor i have as a primary care provider. the one before that wasn’t accepting my insurance--the insurance that assigned them to me.

so now my insurance will try again, taking whatever next step they’re going to escalate to. if my spouse weren’t making the phone calls for me, i don’t think i would even still be trying at this point, because today’s dead end wasn’t even a surprise. i don’t expect anything else anymore. i’m so far past the point of losing hope, it no longer even hurts.

this is where i am. something about where i live, or the way the system is set up, or how my brain is busted, makes me impossible to help.

anyway, i whine a lot on my blog about not being able to focus, about not having the energy to function, about wanting to write or read a book, or make things. i miss knitting. i can’t keep track of the stitches when i try to follow a pattern, so i don’t do it anymore. but it used to be fun.

so i guess the point of this, beyond getting it all out because i feel numb and it’s unsettling and at least rambling my feelings proves that i have them, is that i’m pretty hard on myself, publicly and privately, when i can’t get my brain to work the way i wish it could. it’s a process of deterioration, the more i go without care and the older i get--and that sucks.

but as hard as it is, it’s not all my fault. the external factors, things i can’t control, about america, about health insurance, about my brain...it hurts even more because i can’t control them, but i should try harder to remember that i can’t. the more frustrated i am, the more i feel like i’m not trying hard enough, and that isn’t true. i’m trying really hard, and i just can’t fix me alone.

i’d like to learn to blame myself a little less for that.

#if you made it to the end of this you deserve a prize #i have a lot of feelings #health insurance #adhd #bipolar disorder #autism #anxiety #mental health #us healthcare #me #life stuff #/whining

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hallowtide · 5 years

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Update III

I’m sorry it’s been awhile since my last update. I tend to isolate myself when stressed and stay away from social media. This is just a quirk of how my brain and moods work. Thank you to anyone who is still around. <3

So on July 9th I went back to the neuropsychologist to have my results interpreted. He does think I have executive dysfunction (similar to how an ADHD brain works), and that my working memory is poor, and that I’m also on the autistic spectrum. The autistic diagnosis is no surprise to me since I was tested for autism at 6 years old when I wouldn’t speak to anyone. He wrote in his report that I was “cognitively impaired” and still struggling with symptoms of depression as well. He recommended that I take short-term disability from work and that I couldn’t fulfill my job duties with the way I am currently.

I told him that it would be a financial hardship for me to go on short-term disability since my salary would be cut down to only 60% of what it currently is. I preferred to keep working full-time. However when I asked him for a letter of diagnosis and my limitations to give to Human Resources at my workplace, he refused. He said that was for a neurologist to write and that I should be referred to one who will also order an MRI and bloodwork. So I waited for my appointment with my psychiatrist on 7/11.

When I visited my psychiatrist and asked him for a letter to give to Human Resources, he also echoed what the neuropsychologist said - that it would have to come from a neurologist. So I was shit out of luck in that regard. I had pinned a lot of my hopes on getting this letter so I wouldn’t be fired from my job. I managed to schedule an appointment with my primary care physician who referred me to a neurologist.

At work on Tuesday 7/16 I received a phone call from my contact in Human Resources who told me that he had received the neuropsychologist’s report on me. He said I should follow the doctor’s advice and leave immediately to go on short-term disability. I believe I was considered a liability to my workplace and they wanted me to take time off to sort out my medical issues. So I cleaned up my desk, wrote an email to my boss explaining what was happening, and left to go home.

Now I’m scrambling to sort out my finances. Being on short-term disability means I will only be getting 60% of my salary for as long as six months. I have a new car that I bought last July that I wish to keep. I am in a bind now. The neurology department called me back and was able to schedule me for September. So I could be on disability until mid-September before returning to work full time.

Please keep me in your thoughts as I go through this trying time. I’m truly grateful to have the support of my friends. Thank you for listening. <3

#disability #fired #termination #life still sucks #mental health

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alexafaie-asd · 5 years

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PIP Assessment Tomorrow and AAAAAAAAHHHHH!

I’m feeling all kinds of feels. Mostly anxiety because of how the last one went.

I hate how I have to have another in person assessment for what is a life long condition as if its just magically going to have gone away.

I hate that the in person assessment is done by someone who used to be some kind of medical professional, but usually no higher than a nurse with no specialism (because ATOS are a shit company) and that their one hour assessment is weighted higher than all of the evidence provided by my GP and Psychiatrist and Psychologist and the Autism Specialist and the Multi-disciplinary team that diagnosed me and actually understand how my conditions affect me.

I hate how last time, I felt like it went well (and my boyfriend did too) because the lady seemed to be really understanding. But then I got my copy of her report through and for every single section of the report she had used the same copy and pasted bit of text saying that I had turned up to the appointment looking “well kempt and smartly dressed” as if that was evidence enough that I couldn’t possibly have difficulties in any area the form covers (it was even used as evidence against me saying I struggle socially and need help cooking especially when in a mixed episode as I’ll try to use the knives to self harm despite neither of those having anything to do with being dressed smartly).

I’m scared that they will do the same to me again because they are notorious for turning down people with invisible and variable conditions of which all of mine are. If you google PIP assessments or PIP appeals along with either bipolar disorder or autism (I have both) you’ll see tons of links where people are asking for advice because their claim renewals were rejected even after they had been given PIP previously and have life long conditions where their circumstances haven’t changed (or have only got worse). So its unfortunately not an irrational fear that I can just wave away with positive thinking. It happens far too often.

The system is broken. They care more about weeding out “fakers” than in providing the help to disabled people. And who suffers? Us disabled people. We have to repeatedly jump through hoops to prove how we are suffering and they frequently use our ability to succeed in jumping through said hoops to deny that we even have a problem. They are known to have made people with physical disabilities walk down a very long corridor when they were told they’d be seen in the closest room, and then when they finally made it (with breaks holding themselves against the wall to take breaks from the pain and difficulty) used that against them because the distance was deemed long enough that they had no mobility problems at all. Of course when said person went to the appeals - which happens in a courtroom with 3 judges with medical specialties - they said the person did indeed qualify and was unfairly treated at their appointment.

But does that behaviour change? No. ATOS do it time and time again. They made the news once for decreeing that someone with full body paralysis who relies on a feeding tube and round the clock care was fit for work because they didn’t turn up for their appointment. Which was meant to be in their own house (due to not being able to leave the bed), but which ATOS decided should happen in their offices instead. Again, obviously the appeals process found in the disabled person’s favour, but the whole system is designed to scare disabled people away from claiming the money they are entitled to to help them live a bit more independently.

So yeah, I’m really scared its going to go badly and require going to appeals again. Last time I was semi-lucky in that they “found” my “lost in the post” doctor’s note (we had sent it tracked so knew they had received it months before & even who had signed for it) so decided that actually I was entitled after all. But they told me it on the phone, telling me I was just two points off the higher tier which I could try to get if I carried on with the appeals process. BUT I had to remember that if I went to court and they didn’t feel I deserved it, I wouldn’t get any PIP at all. So I had the “choice” of accepting the lower tier right then whilst on the phone (whilst crying because I am anxious talking on the phone) and no I couldn’t think about it and let them know. I had to decide right that moment. And I knew that because of how depressed I’d got going through the whole process that far I couldn’t deal with having to stand up in court on my own to argue my case. I can’t cope giving presentations in front of groups of people and it would have been like that. So I went with the lower tier even though by our scoring of my condition I scored at least 8 points into the higher tier and probably would have been awarded it at court if I could have coped with going.

The reason I knew I couldn’t cope with it was because they used the same kind of language my dad used when I said I was going to call childline as a kid because of the abuse. He said that if I phoned childline and they didn’t believe me that I was being abused, I would be sent to prison. Not the one for children - adult prison - because it was that serious an offense to lie to childline. And I believed him and was too scared to ever phone. So when they said I could try and go to court but if they didn’t believe me I’d get nothing at all, I flashbacked to what happened as a kid. Why would they believe me? I was just a little kid who must be lying.

And so yeah. I’m sat here typing this long tumblr post because I’m fucking scared and can’t get any of this out of my head. I need to go to sleep but I have no idea how I’m going to manage to get to sleep when I’m feeling like this. I’m trying super hard to keep in control because its making me feel like self harming and that’s not really what I need right now.

Oh yeah and my circumstances have changed since my last assessment - I now have my autism diagnosis. So that’s a new thing for them to use against me. I’m hyperverbal (could you guess? I bet you couldn’t from how succinct and to the point my posts are) and so I would not be surprised if they use that against me because all autistic people are non-verbal right? So if I can talk well then I must be faking and all my diagnoses must be wrong. I only have an hour to prove to them that I’m telling the truth. And I’ve been conditioned growing up to believe that I’m a terrible person, a liar about how I experience the world and at fault for anything bad that has ever happened to myself, my family and even the entire world. Soooo..... yeah. That’s fun.

And I’m really trying to fight my brain because its trying to work out whether I should repeatedly bang my head against the wall or cut myself. And neither of those are good ideas. I know that. That part of my brain keeps saying they are good ideas though. How do I know who to trust? Myself or myself?

#actually autistic #pip assessment #anxiety #trigger warning: self harm #TW: self harm #trigger warning: abuse mention #TW: abuse mention

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pixel-glow-blog · 7 years

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But you have mild Autism, right?

So, I just got back from a haircut today. And the conversation I had with the stylist there took an unpleasant turn.

My mother came with me, because I have an issue with going nonverbal under stress, and it made me feel better to have her there in case I couldn’t explain to the stylist what I wanted. My mom explained that I was autistic, and that’s why she was with me. “Oh, my stepson has autism.” Great, the ‘being compared to a friend/relative that also has autism’ line. Bonus points for saying “has autism” instead of “is autistic” But, whatever. People like comparing things, that’s just how society works. She asks me about my day, I attempt to make small talk.

And then the dreaded question: “But you have mild Autism, right?” Almost every autistic gets this question. You might get it as “But you’re high functioning, right?” or as “But you’re not severely autistic, are you?” I have always been uncomfortable with this question, but for the longest time I couldn’t put my finger on exactly why, but today, I think I figured it out. It’s not just because they’re using functioning labels, which everyone who’s listened to the autistic community knows are not only inaccurate and unhelpful, but are almost always used to deny agency or support.

It’s because that’s not what she’s asking. She isn’t asking how much support I need, or what accommodations I use. She isn’t asking what activities I struggle with, or how many ADLs I can perform. No. She’s asking me “But you’re not one of those, right?” “I can still talk shit about autistic people in front of you, right?”

“I didn’t mistake one of those ‘low functioning’ autistics for an actual person, did I?”

The question caught me off guard, and I (unsuccessfully) tried to explain that functioning labels didn’t really work, and my mom added that today was a good day for me. The lady seemed to get that it was a day to day thing, but because I was able to speak, I believe she kept her assumption that I was ‘mild’. Which is always really wild to me because when I was diagnosed by my psychiatrist, I was actually classed as “extremely low functioning” (I don’t agree with functioning labels, but that’s literally what’s on the paperwork). Like, ya, I can speak verbally sometimes, and I’m capable of blogging and stuff, but I can’t drive, make my own food, or even remember to eat on a regular basis. You can’t call me high or low functioning, or say I have mild or severe autism, because Surprise! Humans are more complex than that. Shocker, I know.

And then she started telling me about her stepson. And everything she said about him was negative. She complained about how it was “so hard to explain to people” when he flapped his hands in public because he’s really tall for a kid, so people mistake him for an adult. Implying that only children are allowed to stim, I guess? I flap my hands, and I’m 22. Fuck anyone who tries to tell me that expressing yourself is only for kids. She told me about how he’s “decided he’s not going to drive, he’s not going to get a job, he’s not going to college”. Which, you know what? Fine. If he’s recognizing his limits and thinks he’s not capable of doing any of those things, that’s fine. He’s still a worthwhile human being. If he decides later on that he wants to attempt those things, more power to him, but they’re not necessary. But more than that, apparently this kid is 13. 13. What fucking person knew exactly that they were going to go to college, get a job, and were capable of driving at fucking 13?!?! This is fucking ableist garbage. You’re setting a higher standard for a disabled child, than most people do with their non-disabled children. While also implying that he is wrong for making such decisions. Stay classy.

I told her that I also couldn’t drive because it was unsafe. But she went on about how she “just wants him to try, how hard is it?” How hard is it? You’re driving a fucking one ton hunk of metal, electronics and flammable gas at high speeds, in tight quarters, in highly populated areas. Driving is fucking dangerous, and the consequences of making a mistake are LITERALLY life and death. Just because this is something that almost everyone in our culture can do, doesn’t erase the fact that it’s fucking complicated and dangerous as shit, and it’s fucked up that not being able to drive is so looked down upon.

So I just tried to smile and nod and wait for the haircut to be over so I could get out of there as fast as I could. And at the end of it, she hadn’t said a single positive thing about her stepson. Not. One. And I can’t help but feel sorry for this poor boy, who has to deal with this Autism Mom™ who trash talks her son to strangers. Who likely knows exactly what she thinks of him, even if he doesn’t say it.

Which brings me back to my main point. Why the hell would this woman think talking negatively about her autistic son to me, another autistic person, would be remotely okay? Why the fuck would that even cross her mind?

And it’s because ableism is so ingrained in our society, so widely accepted, that neurotypical and able-bodied people think even disabled and neurodivergent people want to hear about it. The dehumanization of autistic people is considered the norm so much, that it’s assumed everyone wants to participate. Which is why I hate that that question. “But you have mild autism, right?” Because they’re not asking how autism affects you. They’re asking if you’re going to object to how bigoted they are going to be. If you say that your autism is ‘mild’, welcome to the Ableism Club! If you say that your autism is ‘severe’, then they’re likely to talk shit in front of you anyway, because they think you’re not capable of understanding what’s going on around you.

This question makes me uncomfortable because not only is it NEVER asked by people who are actually allies of autistics, but because it’s a warning sign that someone is going to be a shitty person. So forgive me if I’m not wanting to play devil’s advocate here, and pretend that she’s probably actually a great mother who really understands, and she just doesn’t know the correct terminology. If she has a fucking autistic child and cared AT ALL, the barest amount of research could tell her that is not a cool question to ask. The fact that she uses person first language (You know, so she doesn’t forget we’re actual people) and labels autism like it’s a fucking salsa at taco bell, tells me she knows nothing about autism. And if she knows nothing about autism as the parent of an autistic child, she’s a fucking shitty parent.

But anyway, I’m really worked up now. Probably going to go eat a burger and hope that this kid has got SOMEONE is his life that cares about him. All autistic people deserve that.

#actuallyautistic #ableism #autism #autism mom #neurodivergent

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jess951000 · 7 years

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I know I write a lot of these and I know Taylor may never see them, but if she does I want to say thank you for helping me get through all of the things mentioned in this post.

First grade is my earliest memory of being bullied. I was bullied by my teacher. She kept me out of story time and made me clean my desk instead. She kept me from show and tell and made me clean my locker. I have the agenda book where I wrote how sad and out of place I felt...mostly with sad faces. We had to show how we felt each day. I wrote sad faces.

I was home schooled for second grade and felt left out because my brother and sister went to school everyday. It was tough. I was diagnosed with ADD and Bipolar Disorder when I was 5. Mild Retardation Disorder when I was 6 or 7. I learned how to read in kindergarten but was set back in first grade due to how I was treated and relearned when I was being homeschooled. I have a just below average IQ. My deficits are with math and problem solving. I'm 22 years old now but when I was 18 I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety and told my bipolar was gone.

In third grade I was put in a school for special needs kids. They didn't teach me anything so I was put back in mainstream school and kept in third grade. I made friends at the special needs school. A nonverbal girl and an autistic boy. In mainstream I didn't have many friends. I made a friend with a girl who was really screwed up. She thought it would be okay to hit my sister over the head with a 2×4 piece of wood. I never saw her again after that. That was in 3rd grade. In 4th grade I was friends with a girl who was a bad influence again she tried to glue the doors to lockers together and then when I proved to be a goodie two shoes she dropped me as a friend.

In 5th grade is where the real problems started. I was alone. I felt helpless. It was my first day of middle school and 2 girls who happened to be sisters asked if I wanted to be their friend. I said yes. I was desperate for friends. They were goth. Wore all black and one of them had piercings already. I was invited to their house. We hung out for about 3 months. They had other friends and whatever that didn't like me too much. They walk up to me in one of the classes the three of us shared together after talking to their friends and said I was too weird and I couldn't hang around them anymore then walked away. I pretended I was okay when I was hurting inside. I was alone the rest of the year waiting for summer to come.

6th grade..it was time to sign up for the school musical. I decided to do it since my sister was doing it too. First day of rehearsal a girl walks up to me and starts talking as if we are already best friends. At first I paid her no attention because I thought she was talking to one of the many other people around me but I soon realized no one was looking at her and she was looking at me. I asked her if she was talking to me. She said yes who else? I was shocked and excited. My self esteem by this point was so low that when I walked down the hallway I would literally look at the floor. I didn't want to see the people who made fun of me. I would keep walking and not look up. This girl pulled me out of my slump for a little while. She introduced me to a few people who I became friends with also. We hung out together all the time. We went to eachotjers houses. I felt that I finally fit in somewhere.

8th grade has a bit of a backstory that starts in 7th grade. So here it goes. .In seventh grade people talked about this horrible teacher. She was so mean and horrible that anyone who had her class was doomed to a year of torment. I thought being a good kid and all that it was no big deal. She was a special education teacher which I didn't know at the time. In computer class she ended up subbing because that was her free period and out teacher had an emergency or something. She screamed at me for being off task when I was not off task. I was so speechless another student had to tell her that I was on task. She singled me out for no good reason. As soon as I got off the bus to go home I started balling my eyes out. I was always a good kid to avoid that kind of confrontation. Remember earlier I was too much of a goody two shoes. I still was by this point. I kept my head down and got through the day. I begged my mom not to let me have this teacher. I cried and when I finally got my 8tb grade schedule I was so excited. I didn't have her. Then my mom had to throw a fit about me not having a special education classes. The teachers said they didn't think I needed it that year. I was doing just fine on my own. I never had to ask for help. I was Good. My mom Insisted. I got my new schedule and of course that teacher was on it. I go to school thinking it can't be too bad. She won't be that mean all the time. It was just a misunderstanding. I was so wrong it's not even funny. First day of class when your supposed to hand in certain forms and things. My mom forgot to sign mine and I got screamed at for it. It was not in my control. Then I get screamed at again for taking too long on my quiz to see how much I remember from last year. It was math so that's why it took so long. It was in my IEP which is documentation stating special accommodations for special needs students that I was allowed to just walk out of class to use the restroom and that I was allowed to bring my computer to class to take notes. She never read it. She screamed at me for both. My mom then sent a note stating she isn't allowed to scream at me because i was going home early for hyperventilating. She threw it in the trash and screamed at me for giving her fake notes. My mom then had my psychiatrist write a note. She did the same thing. She then got told by other parents that this teacher was deliberately bullying me and that they recommend pulling me out of the school I was in. So she did. I was put in online school for 2 years. It was twice as hard and I was not a self motivator so it was hard on my mom too.

8th grade also my mom got told by my best friends mom that she was moving her daughter to a different school because I was too different to be her friend. Her exact words were "My daughter needs better friends and yours isn't a part of that" when she went to that new school she made new friends and didn't want to hang out as often and eventually broke off contact with me. I still had my 2 other friends but she was my closest friend.

10th grade I go back to regular school and was put in a lunch with 7th and 8th graders who were moved to our school because the elementary school closed down. I went to the guidance counselor and asked to be moved to the lunch where my friends were. She did me a favor and let me be transferred. We had A B C and D lunch. I was moved from C to D lunch. My "friends" put their bags on the seat, had other people sit by them, etc etc. To keep me from sitting near them. I started running to lunch to be able to sit by them. It worked. The next red flag that they weren't my friends anymore but pretending to be was when I invited everyone to a cook out in 11th grade and they all said they would come and so I set everything up on the day and was waiting. 5 minutes til the time I said everyone cancelled. "Oh I have period cramps" "Oh I can't make it my mom has a thing" that sort of thing. They lied to me and didn't come. I was so upset. I sat at the table surrounded by the food and snacks and cried. One of those friends wanted me to help plan her birthday party but I wasn't allowed to be there. I was allowed to plan it but I wasn't allowed to come. That was low.

For senior prom one of my friends was talking a few weeks before about getting a limo. A week before she told me there was no limo and we would meet at prom. I get there and meet with them. Prom was on a boat. They had tables set up some for people and some just there with table cloths. We chose a table that sat only 4 people. Both my friends had dates but I did not. I suggested pushing tables together. There was an unoccupied table next me. Their response was oh no we can't there might be someone sitting there. There was no silverware. No purses. No bags. No indication that anyone could sit there. I just said ok fine and pulled up an empty chair to the end and their table. Later that night my zipper broke on my dress. I asked for one of my friends to find the t4acher who we knew to have Bobby pins and clips for this kind of disaster because if I stood up my everything would be showing. They threw a fit "why can't you do it yourself" "why don't you go sit with your sister" "why did you come without a date" my dress was falling apart...my sister was sitting with her friends doing her thing...i didn't think having a boyfriend was that important...unlike my one friend whose mom set her up with a total stranger.....hmmmm....i Then later found out both my friends came in a limo....imagine that there was a limo....i confronted them about it and was told it was a surprise...nothing personal. I called bs because she had been talking about it for weeks...i was alone the rest of the year. We graduated...i went to the local community college for a year and a half. One of my former friends was there and we talked some but after that we haven't. I didn't have any friends. After college because it didn't work out. I flunked out because of the math. I spent too much time on it only to fail math and a few other classes. I spent 2 years in bedroom in my parents house watching tv and wondering where I belonged in life.

My mom then when I turned 22 convinced me to join this special needs bowling group. I met a lot of people there and became friends with them. Everyone had different abilities and deficits and I liked this group because it focused on the abilities. My whole life everyone focused on what needed to be fixed or worked on with me and I finally found people that cared about what I could do. Then one day that all changed when one of the girls who I'm not blaming because she gets facts twisted in her mind and they get turned negative told her mom that I called her a lesbian. I did not say anything like that to her but her mom believed her. I had one other girl who was there back up what I said. This girls mom started saying that I was doing all these horrible things. She said I was saying mean things about her daughter and some other girls. She got a bunch of other parents behind her including a leader of another group I joined after the bowling group. I was shunned from the group. I stopped being invited to events. I was blocked by most of the people. The friend that backed me up became and still is my only friend. She almost got kicked out of the group herself just for backing my story. I was shunned. I lost a bunch of friends.

The adults in my life have been the ones who did the most harm to my wellbeing. After that last incident I decided not to care what others thought anymore because I know the truth. I know who I am. I give Taylor swift most of the credit for helping me through all of this crap because right after my last bout of bullying she came out with look what you made me do and it made my life so much happier. It helped me to move on and to be better. I still go to bowling. I still see these people but I'm not angry anymore. I am bashing their hate with total kindness and so far I've been getting snotty looks from the moms but no one had said or done anything. I'm still talking to my friends even though I can't hang out at their houses and be as close as we were their moms can't say anything without looking bad. As long as I am nice and kind...which I am anyway...there is nothing they can do. I'm using Selena Gomez quote "kill em with kindness" and Taylor swift "shake it off" "look what you made me do" I am thriving and there isn't a person out there that can bring me down!

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stimtoybox · 7 years

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So I'm an adult (21) and inthe last few months more and more I think I might be autistic?? I've learned a lot from the community but I have no clue how to go about getting a professional diagnosis. I'm in Canada if that makes a difference? Sorry if this isn't the blog to ask! I've been googling a lot but the sites that come up are all very a$-ish and idk which ones to trust for info

Hey, anon! It’s not a worry. We talk about ND things in addition to cool stim toys. Go you, by the way, for the scary things of self-exploration and taking the step of seeking a diagnosis!

(I’ll remind everyone, of course, that a professional diagnosis isn’t required for full participation in the autistic community. The vast majority of us are fine with self-dx or even just questioning.)

This is hard, in the sense that it how it works depends an awful lot on your region and financial situation, and there’s a lot of different possibilities for how you might go about this. I’m going to try to speak generally (my Aussie may show a lot) but I really encourage our Canadian followers to reblog or comment with their country-specific information and experiences. They’ll be so much more useful to you.

I’ll note that I have no idea how health insurance works anywhere not Australia, so I’m not going to touch that part at all.

The first problem is that there often aren’t a lot of psychiatrists/specialists who diagnose autism in adults, and finding one close to you might be difficult. The second problem is that if you can’t afford to go private, you’ve got even more difficulty. A diagnosis is an adult isn’t an easy thing to get, especially if you’re regional and/or don’t have money.

This is a long post, anon, so I’ve written a dot-point summary and tucked the wordier version under a read more cut.

Summary:

- Gather written information that validates and supports your feeling that you’re autistic, including a ticked-off copy of the diagnostic criteria and discussion of your own experiences.

- Research possible options for assessment in your area, including private psychiatrists who assess adults, local government clinics and university student-training clinics.

- Contact your psychologist, if you have one, for support, information, advice and scripting. If your psychologist works in a specialist mental health clinic, especially a government-funded clinic, this may be enough to get you referred for an assessment.

- Contact your GP/family doctor for referral if not referred via the above. Your GP may or may not have resources for a specialist who assesses adults, which which is why I strongly recommend researching it yourself.

- If you’re not referred to a government service (in which case, at least here in Australia, the GP files the referral and they contact you with details for an appointment) contact the specialist and make your appointment.

The first thing to do is arm up. Print off the diagnostic checklists and tick off where they apply to your situation. Write down a list of all your experiences that you think are explained by autism. Write down why you think a diagnosis would be beneficial to you (school or employer support, say) as this will discourage people from the “well, you may be autistic but the label won’t help you” or “I really don’t like labels” comments. Put together a folder (paper is easier to show to others, often) and keep all these papers together. This means you won’t forget to mention things when you’re doing the stressful thing of trying to tell people why you want a diagnosis.

(This is especially important for anyone who isn’t a white cis boy and might be autistic in ways that don’t involve train monologues. Allistics still don’t have a good understanding of what autism looks like outside of the white cis boy population, and can often be reluctant to diagnose on this basis. It’s not right that you have to do all this, of course, but it can help.)

On this point, don’t assume that they’ll notice everything about you that is autism. If you’re going with a public psychiatrist who just makes assessments/evaluations, you might end up with only a couple of hours with someone who doesn’t dig too deeply. (The kinds of assessments and how you’re assessed can vary widely between one professional and another. Some take several sessions; some give you a quiz and call it done!) If you go in knowing what you want to explore and the reasons why, and present this information, you’re far more likely to get the diagnosis you want. Speaking as someone who’s been through a few general assessments - I didn’t know what I was there for or what I wanted them to diagnose, and the end result was that they diagnosed nothing more specific than “probably Cluster C”. Go in knowing what you need and why you need it. You might not have to lead them down the path, but it’s always good knowing that you can should it be necessary. If I could do my assessments again, this is the one thing I’d do differently.

You can and should take the time here to Google psychiatrists and other neuro-type specialists who assess autism in adults in your area, if you can afford a private clinician and are looking to go that way. Your GP may have to do this anyway, because most of their resources are probably for p-docs focusing on autistic children! If you come prepared with this information, it helps a lot. You can also check out university clinics, as many offer no or low-cost services for student training, which might be more affordable for you. You often do not have to be a student to access this, but if you are, there’s also student-specific services available to you by most universities, so it might be worth exploring this to see if they offer assessments, too. University clinics are probably your best option if you can’t find or afford a local specialist that assesses adults.)

The third thing to do is approach a therapist/psychologist if you have one. If you’re talking to a therapist or a psychologist, you’ll probably be told to go to your GP for a referral (that is the case here in Australia, at least) but they may be able to provide more resources for where your GP can refer you, affirm your suspicions, help you script conversations or provide general support, so if you have one, and you trust them to be supportive and understanding (not all psychologists are), it’s often worth talking to them first. Basically, you’re saying you think you may be autistic, these are the reasons why and what do they think about a referral to a psychiatrist who assesses/diagnoses autism in adults. If you think your GP might be reluctant, having the backing of your therapist can help - just ask them to write a letter to send to your GP.

(If you’re with a psychologist who works in a clinic like a community/government psychology service, your psychologist may be able to direct you to the staff p-doc or arrange an assessment with them, no GP involvement at all. This is how I got my BPD assessment that became a surprise autism assessment.)

The third thing is to talk to your GP/family doctor/primary care physician, same conversation as above. If your GP listens to you, you’ll either be given a referral and contact details for a private clinician, the university clinic or put forwards for an assessment with a government clinic, depending on what options your GP has. After that, either through making an appointment yourself or waiting for the clinic to contact you, you should have an appointment with someone capable of diagnosing.

(I’ll say here: if your GP doesn’t listen to you, get another GP, seriously. Don’t hesitate on this. My original family GP told me, a suicidal person in crisis with chronic pain on WorkCover who couldn’t work, that I didn’t need a psychologist or meds; I just needed to get another job. Needless to say, I don’t see him anymore - five years later, it’s hard not to be aware of just how close I came to dying because of that comment. I just say this to highlight the fact that there are some awful medical professionals out there, people guilty of criminal malpractice, and their unwillingness to support you does not invalidate your need for said support. My GP couldn’t diagnose my depression; he surely never saw my autism. Doesn’t mean neither were there, because they were and are.)

Now, there may be a few or many local differences, so I hope some Canadians can correct me on anything that’s wildly out of place. But the above is a jumble of possibilities based on several experiences I’ve had with psychiatrists and assessments and experiences friends have had with psychiatrists and assessments, all here in Australia.

I hope this gives you some idea of how things work, anon. Good luck. We’re all crossing our fingers here that you get the support and diagnosis you’re hoping for - and we’ll all welcome you here as one of us even if you don’t.

- Mod K.A.

#ask #anon #text #not a toy #off topic #discussion post #diagnosis discussion #neurodiversity discussion #long post #very long post #mod K.A.

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inadragon · 7 years

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Long Post-Depersonalization potentially triggering idk

So im currently researching depersonalization and derealization (when i should be doing hw) and just realizing a few things about my time in middle school which i think was my most severe dissociative phase (if i do actually have Depersonalization Disorder).

A lot of posts in the depersonalization tag are talking about worrying about whether they exist or not, but i legitimately didn’t care. I was empty. I would just kinda move about my day, usually with some sort of stimulus or not thinking at all. If a task was put in front of me, i would do it, but i had no agency to start something on my own. when i got home, i would get on the swingset, put in my headphones, and sing at the top of my lungs for hours. Few thoughts, mostly just stimming. Eventually, i would see it getting dark. That was my cue to head inside. I suppose i had conversations with people. I don’t remember many though. I’m surprised no one realized something was wrong with me. I must have been good at faking normal, though i barely put in an effort. My mom only noticed something was off when i got a C in history. A long term project that was meant to be done almost entirely at home is what finally got some attention. But the only reaction to that was “Get your work done”. No psychiatrist or anything. Actually she may have asked if something was wrong. I don’t remember. I probably told her it was nothing if she did. I didnt care. I didnt exist enough to care.

I had morbid thoughts almost everyday. I wasnt suicidal, just curious. I thought, “I wonder what it would be like to jump in front of this moving car. Would it hurt? Would people miss me if I died? My family probably would. I dont know if anyone at school would actually notice.”

I wonder if i was depressed. It’s possible. It was right after I skipped a grade, so most of the people i knew in elementary school were a year behind me and anyone i actually considered a friend in elementary school had gone to a different middle school. I wasnt exactly sad though. I had a few moments of euphoric happiness actually. I was mostly empty.

All the sites I go to say dissociative disorders are usually caused by some sort of trauma. I dont know if ive been through any of that. Maybe you could count being alienated from my peers because Im autistic. Idk. Ive had other sorts of trauma but i dont think those affected me enough to cause this. One site says it could be caused by having a mentally ill parent. Im not sure how that works out though. My mom is diagnosed with bipolar disorder, so maybe that did something?

Idk if this has been consistent since middle school, but i think ive been dissociating recently. Maybe its caused by self isolation. I talk to people online but not so much in the real word. I wrote a poem about observing the world from the outside a few months ago, before i knew what dissociation was, and today I had that fuzzy feeling in my brain. It made it really hard to get some work done. But then again, maybe that fuzzy brain was the after affect of a cold and maybe that time i just watched the world around me was just normal observation and maybe I was just depressed in middle school. No dissociation to speak of. Idk. Maybe i should go see the school psychiatrist again. I think Ill post the poem I wrote later, if i can find it. Thanks for reading my ramble.

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