#hey uh dont fuckin do this to me man

[feyburner]

This is part of a longer thing I may post on ao3 at some point but here’s some silly little Jaytim texting AU. I use this format as a writing warmup.

[Unknown] »

Hey. This is Jason. 

I have a favor to ask. You can say no.

« tim

uh

1. i’m aware of how favors work  

2. what is it?

« tim

?

« tim

hey are you like. good

J »

Yeah fine 

Sry. Rethinking this maybe

« tim

what, do you need a kidney or something?

i can’t give you a kidney.

i don’t have any organs to spare.

J »

What ? 

« tim

what’s the favor?

J »

I wouldn’t ask if it wasnt important

I’d ask Roy but hes in star city 

or Kori but shes off world

I tried dickhead but hes in haven. Cant get away tonight

« tim

yeah jason i get it lol

J »

So Im currently in the cargo hold of a private yacht

« tim

what >?

J »

We’re caught in the storm thats hitting the city its a whole thing. 

« tim

are you in the cargo hold of your own volition or did someone put you there

J »

So I dont think I can get back t

No its on purpose

« tim

hang on. you’re in gotham bay right now? in a boat?  

jason this storm is really bad.

it’s already sunk a houseboat and a fishing boat at the marina

J »

I dont think I can get back totown toni

Christ you type fast 

Shut up for a sec. Clam down

Clam*

*Calm fuck me

Thought I was gnna be back tonight but bc of storm its not looking great.

Can you feed my sourdough starter 

« tim

what

J »

4511 overhill apt 6D 

Key under the neighbors mat. 6H

« tim

hey to clarify. “its not looking great” ← what does that mean

J »

Starter is on counter. in glass jar 

Should just need one feeindg. Maybe 2. depending 

« tim

on???

J »

On wwhen I get back?

« tim

so you do plan on coming back

J »

Yeah timothy I’m in a boat not the heart of Mount Doom

« tim

yeah? vaders not there? so that means everything’s fine? 

J »

Did you

jst say Vader

As in Darth

« tim

??? 

J »

Oh my god

« tim

jason are you in peril or what.

J »

No im not in “peril” lol.

Did you see the thing I said about my sourddough starter

It needs to be fed

« tim

wtf is a sourdough starter

nvm i googled it

J »

Its a live bacteria colony you use to m 

Oh ok

Yeah so it just needs 50g lukewarm water + 50g flour

Theres a scale next to the jar

Stir until it looks like hummus

Put lid back on

The end

« tim

the internet says if you put it in the fridge it doesn’t need daily feedings

J »

Sure. But that would mess up my bread schedule

« tim

your bread schedule 

J »

Man are gyou gonna fuckin feed Breadie Mercury or should I find someone else

« tim

im already en route. 

J »

Oh

Ok

Thank you.

Wtf dont text and motorbike  

« tim

how about you dont text and Sinking Boat

J »

Hey its not like I’m gonna cause a boat crash

« tim

i was stopped at a red light 😐

anwyay i’m at your place.

1. why do you not have a security system. when you said key under the neighbor’s mat i thought you were joking. 

2. how warm is lukewarm

J »

1. I’m the security system

« tim

just rolled my eyes so hard it actually physically hurt

J »

God youre annoying

2. ? Its lukewarm

« tim

ohhhhh thanks! that’s so helpful :) here i am trying not to murder your incredibly important bacteria colony that i just drove across town for but no thats great jason very descriptive thanks :) 

J »

Like warm but not too wram, nothing you’d want to take a bath in

Can you fucking

I TYPE SLOW.

« tim

ok.

[Image Attached]

he is fed

J »

Thanks man.

Sincerely.

« tim

so hows the cargo hold going

still intact i assume? 

J »

Mostly ya

« tim

pardon? 

J »

Slight leakage. Nothing major

« tim

oh? are you a boatologist now? 

i dont think you’re qualified to judge that?

J »

Moving right past “boatologist” out of the goodness of my heart.

Chill lol. If it was rly bad thered probably be some sort of alar

Hm.

« tim

did an alarm just start going off

J »

Dont worry about it

« tim

im not. 

did it though

also which yacht? im in the marinas scheduling dtabase

blue miracle, serendipity, carp-e diem? which one

« tim

jason?

« tim

if this is a joke it’s not funny

oh cool you’re not on comms either. great.

hey if youre dead again and i just fed your stupid starter for nothing im gonna be soooo mad just fyi

« tim

ugh.

*

J »

Hey

Thanks again for the

I’m not gonna say “save” bc I was doinf just fine on my own.

But thanks for the backup.

Lmk when youre home

Nope sorry lol you dont have to do that.

Night.

« tim

home

J »

Also I just saw your messaages from

Ah. 👍

From earlier. 

« tim

you mean from when you said “huh, this boat seems to be filling with water” and then disappeared? those messages? 

J »

Those were not my exact words.

« tim

right. your exact words contained somehow even less information 

J »

Shut up

I just wanted to 

You know. Youre the only one who jokes about it

The only one in the family I mean

your family, I mean

The bats.

« tim

? 

the only one who jokes about what

J »

Me being dead

« tim

oh. 

ok. well

its not like. actually funny to me. i was just annoyed. sorry i guess

J »

No thats not 

Tim. Shut up.

I dont mind. I like that one of you does. 

Its better than people talking around it. Like its this big shameful thing I did.

One of many

If I mention it in front of dickhead he does the face

the :~{ face

« tim

wow its uncanny

uh. for the record. 

i don’t think that’s the reason people talk around it

if im correct in thinking that by “people” you mean “one specific person whose name rhymes with Rat Can” 

 

J »

Yeah well

I just

Christ never mind. Im sorry. You are not the person to be sayign this to.

Im gonna shut the fuck up I think. 

Goodnight.

« tim

oh what, you can’t talk to me about being dead bc of that one time you tried to kill me? 

and failed btw :/ 

J »

Tim

Not to be so unchill

But you know how me being dead isnt actaully funny to you

« tim

…got it. sorry

J »

No. don’t apologize to me

Ever

I’m serious 

« tim

like for anything? 

what if i killed breadie mercury 

J »

You didnt. He is thriving

« tim

he is?

wait. really?

you can tell?

J »

[Image Attached]

Hes doubled in size since you fed him.

« tim

whoa

J »

Yup. Thanks again for thattoo.

*that too

Its stupid but hes kinda my son.

« tim

wouldn’t he technically be like, 10 billion sons

J »

He is my 10 billion sons.

« tim

lolol

wow. why am i so pleased hes thriving lol 

J »

Right

« tim

jeez

i was so worried about the water temp

google said lukewarm is 98-105 so i did 98 to be safe

J »

You used a thermometer? 

« tim

your instructions were vague!

i didnt want to kill your bacteria colony!

J »

Thanks Tim.

« tim

? you already said that lol

i gotta pass out btw

glad you didnt die: the sequel in a yacht

that would have been so cringe

night jason

J »

Night

*

J »

You up?

« tim

obviously

why

J »

Could use your eyes on something.

[Image Attached]

« tim

morse code but the dots and dashes are reversed and its spelling backwards in russian, ASTITP AYALEB AVD RTSIRP → PRISTR DVA BELAYA PTITSA → PIER TWO WHITE BIRD

J »

Bc it looks like morse but its not, its kind of scrambl 

Ok jesus christ . 

30 seconds? Seriously? Fuck me

Can I hire you? Jesus lol

« tim

that depends. do you pay more than batman?

J »

The fuck? Does he pay you guys now?

« tim

no.

J »

Then yes. I do pay more than batman.

« tim

how much more

J »

One coffee per codebreak? 

« tim

:\

J »

Two coffees per codebreak

Two and a loaf of sourdough

« tim

sourdough from breadie mercury?

J »

Ya

« tim

done

J »

Damn. I feel like you should have higher standards

« tim

i mean i was already gonna do it for free

now i have successfully negotiated coffee & sustenance 

im on a roll. nothing but Ws 

J »

Ws?

« tim

its young people slang you wouldn’t get it ❤️

J »

I am barely 3 years older htan you.

It could be argued, considering certain events, that we’re basically the same age.

« tim

and yet you text like an old, old man

J »

I do not

Would you rather I texted like “idk brb lmao roflcopter”

« tim

ROFLCOPTER?

oh my god. ohhhhhh jason. oh my god

that is absolutely not what the kids are saying these days. oh my god

J »

Ok you know what. At least I know Mount Doom isnt a Star Wars thing

« tim

? 

oh, is it star trek? 

J »

I’m 99% sure youre antagonizing me on purpose

But have you seriously not read or watched Lord of the Rings

« tim

no i have not.

J »

Hm.

« tim

what

J »

Nothing.

« tim

……….what

*

« tim

did you NARC on me

to BRUCE

about LORD OF THE RINGS?????

J »

I don’t know what you’re talking about.

« tim

WHY DO I NOW HAVE 3 SEPARATE SUNDAY AFTERNOON “HOUSE MEETINGS” BLOCKED OFF IN MY CALENDAR, JASON? 

WHY ARE THEY EACH 4 HOURS LONG?

WHY ARE THEY LABELED “CULTURAL EDUCATION (MANDATORY)”? 

J »

I can’t pretend to know what goes on in B’s mind.

That said, I have reason to believe he and Alfred take lotr pretty seriously.

« tim

its a TWELVE HOUR MOVIE

about GOBLINS

J »

I’m not gonna respond to that bc I know youre just lashing out.

« tim

if youve sentenced me to 12 hours of a movie i hate i’m gonna hack everything you own. 

im gonna mass text the entire cape wearers community the footage of that time condiment king kicked your ass so bad he felt guilty and offered to personally help you out of the mustard pool 

J »

What the fuck

How do you fuckig know about ?????? that???????? 

Not that ithahpened 

What hefuckk ??

« tim

ooooooooo you better hope i love these goblins!

J »

Why are you?? evil??

« tim

you should have killed me when you had the chance!!

sorry.

J »

Its ok. That one was pretty funny tbh.

Oh hm shouldnt have laughed just then. Bad timing on my part

Brb

« tim

uh

« tim

ok…….. getting reports of a “disturbance” at pier two…….. 

« tim

sorry were you texting me *mid-standoff* with the russian mafia

« tim

ugh.

*

« tim

you know tracking your location would be so much easier if i didn’t have to hack into your comm sys every time

luckily your encryption is garbage but still. its 2 minutes of my life i wont get back.

J »

Not sure I recall giving you permission to track my location?

« tim

oh i’m sorry. next time i will simply leave you to go down with a texas oil magnate’s incredibly tacky yacht, or get swiss cheesified by mobsters 

J »

Hey I wrapped up the russians myself 

« tim

yeah? 

J »

…

Yeah….

« tim

so you thought the 12-minute universal signal jam was the act of a benevolent god? 

J »

:-|

« tim

im just saying it would be significantly more efficient if you agreed to a tracker

just one little tracker. you wouldn’t even notice it’s there.

think of all the time and energy you’d save me

J »

I feel the need to point out that you don’t have to repeatedly hack my comms system.

« tim

i mean it’s that or monitor sightings on the gocitizen app

i have an algo that texts relevant pings to me, which is super helpful for when i want an inbox full of random people talking about how hot you are. less helpful for literally every other circumstance 

J »

Uh

What

« tim

how hot *red hood is. to clarify

in their opinion

the people’s opinion

J »

?

« tim

the people of gotham city

J »

The people of Gotham city do not think Red Hood is hot lol

« tim

wait 

i cant tell if you’re being serious

J »

Uh? Yeah Im being serious? Lol tf

Why would they think hes hot 

They dont think Batman is hot 

« tim

o…kay…

huh.

how to… hmm

J »

Like nightwing sure

And the girls. Bc of objectification of women

« tim

oh wow

J »

Red Robin. If i had to guess

But when people see Hood its definitely not… that kind of response lol

« tim

what kind of response, exactly

J »

You know like saying “Hey Hood youre hot” 

« tim

oh, wow. 

okay. ummm

hmm. one sec.

J »

?

« tim

check your email 

J »

Ok…? 

J »

Oh my fucking god.

« tim

yeah

J »

Oh my god?

« tim

yeah

J »

This document is fucking 45 pages long?

« tim

its everything from the past 30 days yeah

J »

The past

Whaht the fuck

Ok some of these people definitely got hit by Poison Ivy.

This is . Tim wtf. I havent even heard of some of this stuff. 

« tim

oof are you on page 14

J »

Im on page 3???

« tim

oh my god

J »

What the fuck

Please please tell me its not like this for Batman too

Tim

« tim

its not like this for batman :)

J »

Ok. Jesus. I would genuinely have to move cities.

« tim

its worse :)

J »

Oh what the fuck

Oh my fucking god page 14.

You get this shit TEXTED to you?????

Ohm ygod. You read this?????

« tim

i mean

no

i glance at it

for security purposes.

i dont like, read it read it

anyway did you seriously not know? haha

J »

No??? Again its not like people tell me

« tim

yeah but

like

theres a certain level of objectivity involved, here

yknow

sorry im trying to find a non awkward way to be like “have you looked in a mirror lately” 

« tim

sorry

that was in fact awkward!

nvm

just let me know if you’d be ok with the tracker. its fine if not

i was mostly joking about the hacking

J (From Work) »

No you weren’t.

« tim

no i wasnt

i dont mind though. its like a brain teaser

anyway im going dark for patrol, later

*

J (From Work) »

[Screenshot Attached]

[Screenshot Attached]

[Screenshot Attached]

[Screenshot Attached]

[Screenshot Attached]

Question. why is the average Gotham citizen a raging horndog 

« tim

oh my god

you know i can tell you searched “red robin hot” right

J (From Work) »

Figured it was only fair

[Screenshot Attached]

This persons got some mad zoom lens skills

I’d think it was you, if it wasnt, yknow, you

« tim

wow. that is certainly a photo of my ass

…a stellar photo of my ass. wow. 

do you have a direct link? i gotta send this to steph

J (From Work) »

goctz.app/user/3824973/post/29348230df3

Haha

I kinda thought you and blondie broke up

back on again?

« tim

no lol we are very much just friends

she has a thing going with someone who shall remain nameless but suffice to say it’s Going

anyway we just send each other gocitizen vigilante ass shots 

its a whole genre

they’re like trading cards

J (From Work) »

Guess everyone’s got a hobby?

« tim

the only rule is no nightwing

J (From Work) »

Do I want to know why

« tim

he accounts for a frankly overwhelming percentage of vigilante ass shots

so its too easy

you’d THINK we’d have a no-batman rule, because ew, but due to the cape and his sixth sense for cameras pointed at him, a qualifying shot is actually extremely rare. 

← only guy who ever managed to take quality photos of batman 

anyway, we put it to a vote. i lost.

J (From Work) »

A vote between you and Steph? 

You lost a 50/50 vote?

« tim

i dont wanna talk about it.

J (From Work) »

Right. 

So what I’m getting from this is you have Red Hood ass shots in your phone.

« tim

no

J (From Work) »

No?

« tim

well

J (From Work) »

Yeah?

« tim

we don’t like, save them

that would be weird

we just notify each other. professionally, as colleagues 

and keep an ongoing points tally

thats all

so i do not currently have photos of your ass in my phone. thank you

J (From Work) »

How many points is my ass worth

« tim

i hate everything about this conversation

J (From Work) »

Its 100% your own fault, answer the question

« tim

if you must know. 

points are awarded based on a series of objective scoring criteria.

J (From Work) »

Uh huh. Like what

« tim

technical excellence

composition. lighting and color balance. 

dynamism 

J (From Work) »

Dynamism…

« tim

creativity

umm

emotional impact

and 

subject matter

J (From Work) »

I see.

« tim

ok i know it sounds bad

J (From Work) »

It sounds fucking hysterical Im near tears 

« tim

but if you think abou

oh

okay, well, great

J (From Work) »

I’ll let you know if I stumble on any more. 

Or is that cheating

« tim

its totally cheating

please do

J (From Work) »

You got it red. 👍

« tim

:)

#jaytim #can’t emphasize enough that this is a silly thing i wrote for Me and My Friends but sharing here as well lol #my writing

[maledistributionsystem]

sup. hey. i read your tags. the ones about you showing your posts to versions of your younger self. just wanted to say i'm glad you're making those things for you. those younger versions of ourselves are still within us, after all. i'm proud of you.

I cant even do my gimmick for this one man.

I've been staring at this ask for days.

It means a lot to me. Thank you.

Im deadass too, this ask fr means a lot to me.

He's (my younger self) really small, he aint know what to do with all these feelings, all this unignorable transness. He spent so long in so much pain. I love him, i'd do anything to go back in time and show him how far we've come in less than 5 years.

I make a lot of these posts for him. I wonder, what wouldve been earth-shattering for me to have seen when i was 13? or 15?

Do you remember that one movie, "Home"? Its an animated movie, and I remember the first time i saw it, the first time i saw the main characters mom say "Have you seen my daughter? She has beautiful brown skin, [..]" that rocked my shit. It was the first time i'd ever heard someone on TV say that someone who had my skin is beautiful. Ive long forgotten damn near everything about that movie, but that scene still sits with me. I aint even a chick but i was like damn...black kids is beautiful too?

I want my posts to have that affect on the little boys still inside other men. Now dont none of you show this shit to no actual kids cause thats weird, nah i'm talkin about other 20-somethin year old men who still got the ghosts of their child selves, scared and hurting and crying for acceptance.

I want my posts to grip yall by the collars of your shirts and i want it drilled into your little fucking heads that you can be a black trans man. you aint no confused girl, you aint no lesbian, you not some tomboy, you aint being poisoned by white people, and you sure as shit arent "possesed by demons" or some stupid shit like that. You're a man full stop, and embracing that is beautiful.

but to do that i gotta make sure they do that to me lmao, and uh, yeah they fuckin do.

this got long and sappy but uh, thanks!

#Bark Line #honestly i suggest other men do the same thing. you aint gotta show everybody like i do #but it feels good. i look at my own pictures a lot actually. they make me feel good. #oh btw if youre wondering why i havent answered any particular nonny ask its cause im shy lmfao #i speak when i am comfy and got the energy for it lol

[class-1b-bull]

Class 1-b as random things me and my friends have said to eachother!

I tried to get everyone multiple times but some characters got more than others </3

There is a lot of cussing, name calling and mentions of virginity but dats about it. Plus a brief mention of drug dealing.

:] :] :]

Manga- BRO! IS THIS THE BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA ULTRA ANYLISIS BOOK THAT LETS YOU KNOW MORE ABOUT THE CHARACTERS, THEIR QUIRKS, AND THEIR RELATIONS WITH OTHER CHARACTERS FROM THE SAME SERIES?! PUBLISHED BY HORIKOSHI, THE AUTHOR OF BOKU NO HERO ACADEMIA, HIMSELF?!?!

Bondo- uh yea?

Manga- i knew you were cringe but a virgin? Do better man.

:] :] :]

Sen- WHERE THE FUCK IS CTRL+Z?!?!?

Awase- ctrl z dosent work on tattoos actually..

:] :] :]

Kuroiro - the atoms will align because im hot like that. *runs straight into a wall*

:] :] :]

Kamakiri - the riddle isnt that fucking hard your just dumb as shit.

Kosei - can I give them a hint?

Kamakiri - no, fuck you.

Awase - you had to high expectations for me and tokage when making this riddle.

Kamakiri - I litterally looked up riddles for kids.

Tokage - well im obviously not a kid so that probably why I cant figure it out..

Kosei - can I pleasssseeeeeee give them a hint.

Kamakiri - fine whatever.

Kosei - ASS!!

Kamakiri - you know what? Actually... shut the fuck up!

Kosei - its a good hint!

Kamakiri - no the fuck its not.

Rin - no actually thats a great hint. Want me to demonstrate?

Awase - what is there to demonstrate???

*litterally 3 1/2 hours later*

Tokage - WHAT THE ACTUAL FUCK DOES ASS HAVE TO DO WITH THE MOON?!?!??!

AWASE - FUCKING MOONING!!!!!

:] :] :]

Kendo - just letting you know, your a great friend. And I really care about you.

Kodai - being nice to me wont change the fact that your ass at mario cart.

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - *running up to kendo full sprint* hey um- quick question, could jesus do a kick flip? SPECIFICALLY with the kids hello kitty skatebord that crack dealer tried to sell us...

:] :] :]

Shishida - I dont like gossip but I thought I should let you know that monoma thinks your a drug dealer...

Kosei - why? Is he a cop?

Shishida - no but-

Kosei - is he buyin?

:] :] :]

Shoda - *crying in a voice message to the class b group chat* I just got into a car wreak and the cop had to pull me out of my carrr *loud as sniff* while fucking doja cat was talking about sucking dick... and it was really embarrassing. Oh! And I broke my leg I guess but whatever.

:] :] :]

Pony - Want my autograph? Too fuckin bad bitch! Im Beyonce type famous now I dont have TIME for your annoying ass.

Kodai - what happened?

Komori - she got 15 likes on a tumblr post.

:] :] :]

Tetsutetsu - MEN CAN LACTATE?!?!?!

Kosei - *loudly starts playing carless whisper in the distance*

:] :] :]

Kamakiri - shut the fuck up I only came over to your house to watch madoka magica and pet your cat now where the fuck is kitty kitty bang bang?!

:] :] :]

Honenuki - hand.

...

Honenuki - HAND!

Kuroiro - TAKE ME TO DINNER FIRST?! I aint ready for that kind of commitment man.

Honenuki - if you dont let me finish painting you nails I am going to kill your cat.

:] :] :]

Bondo - *crying while eating pretzels* he really did crank that soulja boy...

:] :] :]

Monoma - statistics show that I am better than you at litterally everything so riddle me this? If I am so fucking awesome why do I cry myself to sleep every night?!

:] :] :]

Reiko - that toddler is so fucking metal..

Like get it bitch. Tell your mom to fuck off for putting you in time out. Girlboss shit.

:] :] :]

Rin - that kid is litterally me.

Kosei - *earth shattering scream and falls off ceiling*

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - so is everyone that does crack jesus or just your mom?

:] :] :]

Shoda - thats a nice fucking rock...

Kodai - please dont fuck the rock...

:] :] :]

Awase - WTF WHAT DO YOU MEAN THEYRE NOT REAL?!

Rin - awase why would sen have a LIVE jellyfish inside of a lava lamp...

Awase - he would if he wasent a beta cuck.

:] :] :]

Pony - if I give you $20 can you draw the dude from highschool musical pregnant? Its for my cousins birthday.

Manga - first of all what the actual fuc-

:] :] :]

Shiozaki - believe it or not. But being a man. Ok? And sucking another mans dick. BEFORE MARRIAGE. Hear me out on this one... Is slightly againt the great lord above.

Kodai - jesus?

Reiko - no, ace ventura: pet detective.

...

Reiko - specifically after he climbed out of the rinos ass, naked.

:] :] :]

Sen - bro what even is this? Its low key ugly as fuck.

Rin - thats litterally me...

Sen - daymn *sticks photo in pants* ANYWAYS-

:] :] :]

Shishida - I get everyone is trying to stay calm but twerking to the fire alarm wont stop the fire!

:] :] :]

Rin - cute dogs!

Kosei - *lifting his foot* thanks I moisturize~

:] :] :]

Pony - i knew something was wrong with you when you laughed at my joke but not in the 'I watched mean girls' type of way.

:] :] :]

Komori - *walking around the house frantically*

Reiko - we would be out the door already if you didnt kiss all of your plants goodbye..

:] :] :]

Awase - I couldn't even hear that because me and kosei were talking about how hot she was.

:] :] :]

*Rin buddled up in like 20 blankets in front of a fire place*

Kosei - hot girl shit. *dives into the pile and face plants right into his balls.*

:] :] :]

Manga - can I eat your knees tall man?

Bondo - no thanks.

Manga - what if I asked in a uwu voice?

Bondo - still no.

Manga - daymn... alpha male type shit.

:] :] :]

Rin - you realize i am a dude right?

Awase - guys can have long hair?

Sen - of course they can have long hair dipshit.

Kosei - who cares if rin used to be a girl?! Hes a guy now and thats all that matters!

Rin - no I was always a guy...

Kosei - its ok man :D ill always be your friend <3

#bnha headcannons #bnha headcanons #class 1b #mha headcanons #awase yousetsu #kosei tsuburaba #mha hiryu rin #sen kaibara #rin hiryu #shihai kuroiro #manga fukidashi #monoma headcanons #mha class 1b #bnha x reader #ibara shiozaki #jurota shishida #nirengeki shoda #togaru kamakiri #yui kodai #kinoko komori #neitomonoma #juzo honenuki #itsuka kendou #tetsutetsu tetsutetsu

[princess-of-the-corner]

And Yet More Random Fanfic Quotes!

: )

*

IcyThotPainRelief: Remember Zuku murder is illegal

Izuwu: Ur one to talk!

IcyThotPainRelief: Look if im not allowed to ruin my reputation neither are u! we either go down together or not at all bitch!

*

Mom-o: Hagakura! That is highly inappropriate! Even if he does sound like an unsavory individual, we still don’t know how Midoriya feels about the whole situation! So, it’s best not to assume his feelings on the subject.

Izuwu: Well he’s dead to me so technically u guys arnt wrong the bastered can rot in hell for all the heart ach he gave my mom!

Mom-o: Oh okay, carry on you guys.

*

SharkBoi: Am i gunna need to bail my boyfriend out of jail?

WeepingDarkness669: Thats only if he gets caught

Pikachu: Bold of u to assume our dear Kacchan knows anything about keeping things lowkey when it comes to acts of violence

*

Tired™: Dont be dragging me into u guys is shit! I was a happy little introvert chilling on my own until u guys showed up!

IcyThotPainRelief: U should of thought of that before spilling ur entire traumatic backstory within a 5 mile radius of Izuku “I will save people with the power of friendship” Midoriya

*

Izuwu: So as auntie Mitsuki is beating my dead-beat dad with her shoe and guess who decided to show up out ow fuckin nowhere?

Pikachu: The pizza delivery guy?

WeepingDarkness: Death itself?

DisneyPrincess: The cops?

AlienQween: *gestured with feeling* Aliens?

SugarDaddy: The League of Villains?

Hentai: Jesus fucking chist guys…

Izuwu: ALL MIGHT!!!

Izuwu: With like?? a bouquet of flowers?? and in a blazer?? Cuz like apparently hes going out with my mom??

IcyThotPainRelief: I FUSKING KNWE IT!!!

Izuwu: Still not his secret love child Sho!

Izuwu: So anyways All Might is there and is all like “what’s going on” and Kacchan goes “we’re beating up Deku’s shitty dad” then All Might said “wait he’s alive??”

DefyingGravity: Deku’s useless Y chromosome user: quit telling everyone im dead!

DefyingGravity: Us: sometimes i can still hear his voice

Izuwu: SO ANYWAYS

Izuwu: Auntie finally stops beating up my father because she too is really surprised to see All Might at our door step which now allows my sperm doner to finally be aware of his surroundings and he looks up at All Might and goes “who the hell are u and what do u want?” and then All Might looks this man dead in the eye and fuking goes “Im here to pick up ur wife we have dinner reservations!”

*

Izuwu: I THOUGHT WE WERW FRIENDS IIDA!!

Saaanic: We are and it is my job to tell you that your entire existence is being held together by sticky tape, a lot of prayer, and spite.

*

WAKEMEUPwakemeupinside: you ever think about how we define sandwichs by the inside of them not the outside

WAKEMEUPwakemeupinside: like you never say “oh i gotta wheat bread sandwich”

*

“You’re worth a hundred of them,” Todoroki said shortly.

“I disagree,” Iida said dryly. “A hundred of any of them would make poor company.”

*

LabSafety101: she’s surprisingly subdued rn, I actually convinced her to take a nap

Dadzawa: that’s because she worked for 72 hours straight with minimal caffeine

LabSafety101: hey chiyo

GrannyChiyo: if she’s already asleep I can’t do anything

LabSafety101: yeah but can you make sure she’s not about to die in her sleep

Yamadad: the boys made sure she ate, dw

LabSafety101: was it healthy?

Yamadad: idk but it was food!

*

UncleGun: I know for a fact that basically every kid in school at least knows half the common swear words

UncleGun: but it’s also really fun to say “dagnabbit”

*

“Alright. I didn’t ask you to get your hero costumes because today you will all be fighting Shinsou.”

The whole class raised their eyebrows. Shinsou tried his hardest not to scream inside though.

Because, what the fuck?

“Uh, sir. That doesn’t seem very fair,” Momo spoke up.

“Yes I know.” Aizawa nodded, “Also, none of you are allowed to use your quirks. Except him, obviously.”

“Why!” Bakugou shouted, “I wanna beat him nice and fair!”

Aizawa was not fazed. “You all know how Shinsou’s quirk works. Once you respond to him, he can make you do anything. That is all. Is that too hard for you?”

The class frowned. Was that a trick question?

Aizawa nodded, and made to sit down. Shinsou stopped him, speaking quietly, “I… I think you’re overestimating my power, here.”

Aizawa just scoffed, “I think you’re underestimating their stupidity.”

[…]

After five minutes, there were only three students in front of him. Kouda, because he didn’t talk anyway, Ojirou, because he had actually learned his lesson at the sports festival, and Sero, who had literally taped his mouth shut.

Aizawa walked towards them and stood next to Shinsou. The ones at the wall, looked at him in varying degrees, of shame and disbelief.

The teacher sighed, “All you had to do was not talk.” He shook his head at them, “That’s all you had to do.”

*

Pro Hero Hawks: So you’ll get to meet all kinds of heroes! Maybe even All Might!

Pro Hero Hawks: Yes, this is naked bribery.

*

“Young Midoriya is quite the hero fan, isn’t he?”

“He’s not just a fan, Yagi-san, he’s not just an air conditioner either: Midoriya-kun is an entire HVAC system.”

*

“Gentlemen, I am here, with some brand new handcuffs! Who would like to try them on first?”

*

Izuku, despite his professionalism as an analyst, despite his commitment to be a hero, still found that teenage urge to throw his head back and groan at the prospect of something that could be seen as a boring, pointless task. He fought the feeling down, self-control pinning it to the ground and discipline clubbing it with a half-brick in a sock before dragging it back into the depths of his mind, and then assumed a low stance.

*

Mirko’s kicks were well known for breaking bones.

Coincidentally, high schoolers tended to have bones.

-

I AM CACKLING I LOVE THIS

#submission

[lazarus---rising]

bi people cant flirt normally its always some shit like "why did i come back here?" "to uh. drink?" "back to hatchetfield. i spent the first 18 years if my life trying to get out of this place, shouldve just stayed in guatemala. i mean yeah theyve got volcanoes and coatimundis everywhere but uh-" "whats a coatimundi?" "oh, its like a little raccoon thing. they get into shit, people hate em, but at least they dont sing and dance" "so is that was drove you back to hatchetfield? coatimundis, up in your shit?" "no, no, it was uh my sister, jane. she was the good one. she had this um, lisa frank binder when she was little where she mapped out her entire life and i swear to god she stuck to it. bullet point by bullet point, it was like job, husband, house, kids, and you know when one sisters so on top of her game it kinda demands that the other one be a total fuck up, right?" "what is yin without yang?" "thats what im saying! yeah man, she was off doing life and i was doing, something else. backpacking mostly, and she would call me and you know, invite me home for big events, you know, weddings, baby showers, id always say oh, sorry ill catch the next one! but um, then when i got the invitation to her funeral i was like oh, there wont be a next one." "oh- im sorry." "hey, you didnt crash into her car. anyway, uh, its weird growing up in someone elses shadow because when theyre gone the light shines on you for the first time, and it does not look good. so, there i was, 30, with no roots anywhere except hatchetfield, so i thought uh, well im gonna make something of myself, you know do something my sister would be proud of, enroll in a community college, study botany, im gonna start a pot farm." "oh. did your sister smoke a lot of pot?" "no, but weed's the future, its gonna be legal nationwide soon, bet you any money! not that it matters anymore. man, my whole life my one goal was to avoid dying in hatchetfield and, here we are." "hey, it could be worse. you could be dying in clivesdale." "fuck clivesdale!" "fuck em!" "you know uh, all things considered, i like hatchetfield. yeah, been here my whole life, born and bred. never wanted to leave, still dont." "hey, we're the same age, how come i never knew you in highschool?" "you probably went to hatchetfield high, i went to sycamore." "fuckin timberwolves! we hated you guys!" "we hated ourselves! so uh, back at beanies you said you were in your highschool production of brigadoon?" "hey, i was bonnie jean!" "that was 2003 right? i actually saw you in brigadoon." "no shit!" "yes shit! yeah! uh, we didnt have a theatre program in our school, so i guess to make us feel like crap they bused us over to watch your show. it was the first musical i ever saw. i hated it. thats probably the start of my whole thing, youre the reason i dont like musicals!" "woah, thats like your origin story." "yeah!" "so i guess im the supervillain?" "i dont think of you like that at all emma."

#paul kinnie moment #handtyped this .lol lmao even

[stawpny]

GUYS I AM BEGGING YOU

SOMEONE DRAW NEW YORK IN THE 1989 ERAS TOUR OUTFIT OR THE REPUTATION ONE

PLEASE I WOULD LITERALLY COMBUST AT THE SEAMS

AUGHHH

🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏🙏

-

anyways, ik a lot of ppl go on here and see when I post, hoping it’s headcannons and I just disappoint them

so here’s some hc’s for u children

ny and the south edition! (pls I don’t know much about the south so don’t kill me 😭 I’m a new yorker)

(the quotes with names on it are southerners communicating with NY or whoever else u want, but more specifically NY)

-

- NC and SC always force NY or any other state who would hate it to sing and/or play the banjo when singing a song at a campfire. Even if they suck at singing or playing the banjo!!!

-speaking of campfires, I believe that the states usually have fires every Summer and Autumn. most get together and sing songs and stuff (u can use this idea if u want)

-New York was forced by Gov to make sure a southern party didn’t go terribly. He stood by the door while Texas wouldn’t leave him alone. He stole Texas’ hat when they all passed out, drunk and still has it to date.

-as (maybe) stated before, York plays a lot of instruments, and sometimes they force him to play the acoustic guitar, harmonica, banjo, electric guitar, etc. The NE makes fun of him for it.

-acts gay especially in front of the south just to make them pissed. he’ll flirt with them and make them uncomfortable with the high amount of gay in the room with them. Florida just goes along with it, laughing and pointing at all the southerners that turn away out of embarrassment.

-made fun of Texas and California when they were outlaws and they just joined the union. “I’m tha toughest cowboy ya will ever meet!” “Mhm.” “DONT JUS’ HUM AT ME!!” >:( -Texas

-They know better than to mess with a northerner. Texas doesn’t though, he’s just stupid. York punched him once and he swore he saw him crying to Virginia after.

-has bit many southerners, does not regret it

-

-“Gimme yer best ‘yeehaw’” “yeehaw..” “Ya can do better than that! I’ve heard ya yell at Jersey.” “yeehaw.” “York, I swear-“ “YEE- FUCKIN’ HAW!”-Texas

-“just add some ol’ bay, it’ll make it taste better.” “No it fuckin’ won’t. Keep that shit away from my brownies.”- Maryland

-played poker against Texas, won and almost got shot by him. (Sore loser)

-“what are yous gonna start growlin’?” “GRRRRR-” -Kentucky

-“nah yer good ‘ere.” “Yous are ontop of me. I dunno if I should feel turned on or uncomfortable..” -Georgia

-“off-brand me.” “southerner you, which makes better.” -also Georgia (Empire State and Empire State of the south)

- “who made you this way..?” “The man yer datin’, Y’know, Mass’.” “He would never-“ “Gin, yous even know the answer to this question, it’s an obvious yes.” -Virginia

-“get rid’a the car at this point.” “Hey! I spent my life savin’s on ol’ reliable ‘ere! I ain’t gettin’ rid o’ her if she jus’ has a leak!” “Life savin’s? Jesus, what’s wrong wit’ yous?” - Tennessee

-“ that’s ‘cause Sippi’ wants a sip of that dick.” “WHAT. I ain’t gay!” *crickets* “GUYS PLEASE-“ -Mississippi

-“are yous happy to live in this shithole?” “Hey! I work hard to make this house a home!” “Work harder next time. This looks like if a hillbilly came in ‘ere trashed the place. Y’know, that makes sense knowin’ that yous idiots live ‘ere.” *walks away* “HEY! YOU TAKE THAT BACK!” -Alabama

- “I HATE YOU!” “NUH UH! I HATE YOU MORE!” “‘nuh uh’ really proves yer point, north.” -NC & SC

- “Mais sha, ya really know how shade the south, huh?” “I’ve had enough of all of yous and I’ve seen ya at yer highest and lowest, so I know what will make yous cry later.” “Uh huh, do me then.” “Nah. Don’ get me wrong, yer barely tolerable, but ya don’ get one.” - Louisiana

(loui was upset later bc he didn’t get one 😭)

-“I swear, ya say anythin’ about me bein’ in ‘misery’ then I’m gonna-“ “Nah, I don’ care ‘bout that. What I do care about is why you like mules better than horses. Isn’t that like the whole southerner thing? Horses and idiots with hats?” -Missouri

-“are yous even apart of the south, or are you like the West Virginia of Kansas?” “JESUS IS GONNA NEED TO BLESS YER ASS SOON, WHAT THE HELL DID YA JUS’ SAY TO ME?!” “I’m Jewish.” -Arkansas

-“yer mid-atlantic, but I understand why ya don’ go to family dinnahs wit’ the Northeast. If I had an excuse, I would use it too.” “You guys are scary up there, I’m shocked you still go to those things. In the ‘contract’ they said they were optional.” “FUCKIN’ OPTIONAL?!” -Delaware

-“I will eat your face.” “Uh huh.” “PAY ATTENTION TO ME OR IM GOING TO DO SOMETHING DRASTIC!” “Uh huh.” “AAAAAAAAA-“- Florida

—

could u tell I got lazy at the end?

anyway, I hope you liked

I spent so long on the quotes, trying to come up with a good one was the hardest part.

and I know half of them are reaaally bad 😭

augh

I have no clue what to do for the next chapter of a fic

but anyways, ily guys

<3

#wttt #welcome to the statehouse #wttsh #wttt new york #wttsh headcanons #wttsh new york #wttt headcanons #wttt southern states #wttt south #ARG #please 🙏 #draw him I beg of you #(jk) u don’t have to #I just think he would look hot

[oliviawebsite]

hey man uh can i get uh the penis chicken with the uh. fuckin.,.. cockfries. i dont even know anymore man. hey do you sell nembutal here? haha no no brother not for me its for a friend shes a very very sick dog ^.^;

[martian-writes]

Let Me In!

Inspired by Rael!

"Someone said i can stay here where the fuck is the man who said that" - Drunk Zuku.

- - - -

Izuku is cold. Which in his opinion is absolute bullshit.

Shouldn't alcohol make you warm?

Why is he freezing his nuts off?

Oh. Maybe because he is locked outside. No he didn't forget his key, he can't forget his key to a place he doesn't live.

See Izuku's friend, Dabi offered to let Izuku stay the night at his place after Izuku was done bar hopping with their group friends. Since ya know Dabi lived in the area and it was much safer to just stay with a friend rather than drive home.

It's 3 am.

Izuku is done bar hopping and is standing outside of Dabi's apartment building pressing his buzzer. Well at least Izuku thinks this is his apartment building and that this is Dabi's buzzer.

Honestly he is way too drunk to be sure.

"Come on Dabi" Izuku whines as he presses the buzzer again.

No answer.

Izuku tilts his head back letting out a puff of air. His breath clouds in the air, and his head spins a little. Staring up at the sky does not help it, so he put his head down with a groan.

"Dabi you piece of shit" He curses pressing the buzzer again, not realizing he is pressing the wrong one.

It rings... and rings.... and /rings/

Then an answer.

"Do you have any idea what time it is asshole?"

Izuku's head snaps up too fast for his drunk mind but he smiles big "Dabi?? Dabi let me up i'm tired and cold... and kinda hungry"

"Who the fuck is Dabi?"

"You??"

A baby wails in the background and the person tiredly groans and says "Listen man. Fuck you, your constant buzzing woke my newborn. Stop ringing my bell"

Before Izuku can even congratulate them on their baby. The intercom goes quiet, leaving Izuku slightly dumbfounded because

"Dabi doesn't have a baby" his face scrunches "Does Dabi have a baby?"

Izuku rings another (incorrect) bell, even holds the button down and closes his eyes because the sound intercom is making, soothes whatever oddity is happening in his drunk haze mind.

Then after a solid five minutes, the intercom is picked up.

"Motherfucker" the most gravelly, deepest, hottest, while yes sleep ridden but still hot voice says "Do you have any idea what the time is?"

Izuku's eyes are wide open and mouth dropped open because "Oh-hooo you are /not/ Dabi! You sound wayyy too /hot/ to be Dabi!"

Sober Izuku would /never/ be in this kind of situation and IF he did happen to find himself in this situation. He'd have half the brain to call his friend to be like "Hey man im downstairs". He'd also have a brain to mouth filter but Izuku /isn't/ sober so his brain? Gone.

He has no filter. Izuku says what he thinks when he thinks it.

"Dude what?" The voice says

"Hey mister hot voice let me in" Izuku replies ignoring the voice

"The fuck? Dont you live here? Use your key."

"No way! I live across town! Im looking for my friend"

"Do /they/ live here?"

"Uh huh"

"Then ring their bell! Fuck you ringing mine for you dickhead"

Izuku lips pursed together and he makes a face like he ate something sour "Well. I thought I did. Anyways, I'm really cold. Let me in pleasssseeee"

- - - -

Tiredly Katsuki stares at his intercom, eye squinting because it's 3 in the morning. He works tomorrow and here this random stranger is just ringing on his bell.

The stranger is looking for Dabi... who the fuck is Dabi? What kinda shit name is Dabi?

"I don't know you!" Katsuki says into the intercom "im not letting you up"

"Come on please? I'll be good! Im potty trained and everything!"

Okay this guy is not sober at all. Who the fuck just says shit like that? What is this guy a dog?

"Get outta here! And don't ring my bell again" Katsuki shuts off the intercom.

Then it buzzes again

"For fucks sake" he grumbles pressing the button to answer "What?"

"Let me innnnnnnnn"

"Why dont you fuckin call your friend? Are you stupid?"

"Oh! That's a great idea!" Katsuki can practically hear the fucker smiling "please hold"

Katsuki has no idea why he actually listens, he has no idea why he answered a second a time knowing full well it's a drunken idiot.

"Ah! Oh no! My phone's dead" there's a quiver in the drunk man's voice "I have to bury it! Oh my god my phones dead"

Katsuki facepalms, this guy is probably worse then fucking dunce face when his smashed. There's a sniffle on the other end of the intercom and Katsuki scowls

"Are you fucking crying?"

"N-no! Just someone said i could stay here! Where the fuck is the man who said that?" The person yells "It's so cold out here my dick receded into my body man"

As if to emphasize how cold they are, Katsuki hears the distinct noise of teeth chatter. Katsuki steps away from his intercom to look outside the window where he can see the front of his building.

Someone is down there, in the cold.

/Again/. Katsuki has no idea /why/ he does this. Against his better judgment

He buzzes the dude in.

"Oh you are a saint!" The guy yells

Katsuki rolls his eyes and shuts off the intercom. The guy can find his friend's apartment and if not sleep in the hall.

What's the worst that could happen?

Katsuki starts walking back to his bed room when there's a loud bang in the hallway outside his front door then a drunken

"Owww"

Katsuki tilts his head up curses whichever gods that are listening because what the hell?

He did his good deed! He let the guy in so he didn't freeze in the cold and now the dude is making such a racket in the hall someone is gonna call the police.

Someone... will...call... the... police.

Then it'll /their/ problem.

Katsuki nods his head with a smirk and keeps walking to his room where he hears another bang.

"OH FUCK!"

Katsuki walks toward his door and looks through the peephole. He watches as a green haired dummy sets the fake potted plant back in its corner.

"Now you watch where ya going okay?" The guy says before looking the plant "I'm not talking to you sir! I'm speaking to myself"

Then he nods his head and walks away, he pads up the hall and Katsuki thinks that's the last he'll see and hear of a drunk dumbass and then suddenly his peep hole is all green eyes and freckles.

"Hey!" The guy knocks loudly on Katsuki's door making him jerk back "Dabi! You dickwad!"

More loud, annoying knocking. Katsuki tilts his head up and mutters "why me???"

More knocking "Dabbiiiiiiii"

With a grumble and nasty scowl on his face, opens his door. Katsuki is just aboutta yell at the guy when his fist meets Katsuki's chest, knocking.

"Oh wow" the guy says before flatten his palm and squeezing Katsuki's peck "Dabi you've been working out??"

The guy looks up and his green eyes are glazed over and unfocused. Katsuki is rendered speechless because the guy is actually /cute/.

An idiot but cute.

Then the guy waltzes right into Katsuki's apartment.

"You are such an ass Dabi" the guy says "I had to flirt with a sexy man on the intercom to get let in because YOU didn't answer"

Katsuki who is still by his open apartment door is dumbfounded because 'when the fuck did this guy flirt?' Also still who the fuck is Dabi??

"Do you know who he is by the way? He sounds like he has /really/ big dick" the guy says pulling off his jacket- which by the makes sense why the fucker was cold.

Wait- what? Big dick?

Katsuki smirks not toot his own horn but he is pretty, well endowed. He watches the idiot amused as he stumbles through Katsuki's apartment.

All amusement dies when he notices the guy didn't take his shoes off. Katsuki slams his door and stalks after him.

"Oi! If yer gonna invade my house take your shoes off!" He yells shoving the poor dude into the couch to start tugging at his stupidly bright red sneakers that don't even match his outfit.

"I'm not an alien" the guy pouts "and you shoved me hard Dabi. Thats mean"

Katsuki pulls off both sneakers to reveal mix match All Might socks. Figures the guy looks like a nerd, and of course he'd be obsessed with All might, he is /the/ best.

"My names not Dabi"

The guy squints "No? What are you doing in Dabi's apartment? not Dabi"

"This aint Dabi's apartment and the name is Katsuki"

The guy looks around and his eyes widen, nodding his head as he looks back at Katsuki. "This is /not/ Dabi's house! This sure is awkward"

"Awkward?" Katsuki echoes

"Yeah. Cause like. I'm crashing here Kat- kacchan! You already took my shoes off" and as if to make his point, the guy kicks his feet up onto the couch and wiggles his toes.

"Who said you can stay here???"

The greenette looks at Katsuki and then shoves his socked foot in his face "You. Took. My. Shoes. Off"

Katsuki's lips curl into a slight snarl and he slaps the foot away "what if i don't want you stay??"

The drunk cute idiot makes himself comfortable on Katsuki's couch and closes his eyes "Shoulda kept your door locked man. Now you got a stranger sleepin on yo couch"

Katsuki snorts, amused by this guy.

"By the way. Do I know you? You sound familiar??" Eyes still closed the guy's face scrunches in the cutest way.

Like a bunny.

Katsuki shakes the thought from this head reminding himself that this is a /stranger/. Katsuki can't fall for a drunk stranger that invaded his house, sure he opened the door but he didn't /invite/ him in.

"Don't know man" Katsuki says "some drunk dude rang my bell like he was on fire and woke me up outta my sleep"

"What? No way! Did you tell him off? I hope you did. That's so rude"

Katsuki coughs a laugh because that fully confirms how wasted this guy actually is "totally told him off. Said go fuck yourself"

"Period. As you should"

Katsuki chuckles and the guy smiles.

"I'm just gonna rest my eyes mmkay?" The greenette says "My name's Izu-Deku"

Katsuki doesn't know what he said as it was tiredly mumbled and with that Deku is passed out. Katsuki stares for a moment wondering how the hell is this his life right now. Getting off the floor, setting Deku's clunky red sneakers by the door, gets him a blanket.

Katsuki could wake up robbed, Katsuki could not wake up /at all/ tomorrow for letting a stranger sleep on his couch.

Yet against the little voice that yells at him to call the cops or kick Deku out. Katsuki takes the blanket, tosses it over the passed out drunk man and tucks him in.

With a shake of his head Katsuki flicks off the living room light and heads back to bed. Hopefully in five hours Katsuku actually wakes up and he isn't robbed.

- - - - -

Izuku wakes as the early morning sun filters through the windows. Izuku groans because his head is pounding, the light is not helping. He turns over and shoves his face into the couch cushion and the armrest.

Izuku takes a big whiff and practically melts into the couch. Smells clean like fresh linen. No that isn't right, the couch smells clean yes, but not like that it has a more minty smell to it.

Good on Dabi for cleaning his couch. Sometimes he uses this weird lavender spray that makes Izuku sneeze or if he is out of that spray... Dabi uses his cologne.

Dabi has some /questionable/ cleaning habits. In fact Izuku shouldn't be shoving his face so deep into this couch... who knows what Dabi /has done/ on this couch despite how clean it smells.

So Izuku turns over and pulls the fuzzy blanket over his head which smells absolutely divine. Like it was freshly washed, Izuku /needs/ to ask Dabi which detergent and softener he uses because Izuku has to start using it.

That thought startles Izuku because Dabi is literally the /last person/ you want any kind of advice from.

Izuku peels off the fluffy blanket, squints at the light that fills the room before he registers the coffee table inches away from his face.

"When did he get a coffee table?" Izuku mutters to himself, slowly sitting up so as to not make his hangover worse. Izuku blinks slowly at the mahogany coffee table. "Is Dabi growing up?"

Yes. It's a real question, /so real/ because Dabi has been living like he is /still/ in college for years and he has a job. He just /chooses/ to live this way, his coffee table for years was literally the box his 75 inch tv came in, 8 tall beer cans that he filled with dirt and hot glued together. He threw a picnic table cloth over it and literally said yep that's it.

Surprisingly, it was a sturdy table. Not a proper one but a sturdy one.

His rug isn't even a real rug. It's a trashy beach towel that had a GTA chick on it with huge tits. It's the same towel that Dabi used back in his dorm.

Izuku looks around and finds the decor of the apartment. Does not match Dabi's overall vibe. This apartment has too much practical furniture, like what happened to the grossly green stained bean bag chair? Or the really broken beach chair that somehow was surviving despite being on its literal last leg?

This isn't even that thrifted couch Dabi picked up off the side of the road.

"Is this even Dabi's apartment??" Izuku asks "Did I go home with someone?"

Izuku shakes his head which makes the dull throbbing in his head, a string throbbing. Noticing the glass of water and the two pills next to it, he takes them.

But no, Izuku didn't come with anyone. Izuku remembers walking up to Dabi's apartment building. There was no one at bars /worth/ flirting with. Except... What was his name? Kacchan?

Yeah. Kacchan was worth it. That guy was so hot Izuku doesn't know how a guy of that caliber was talking to him.

But Izuku thanks the gods he did because whoo boy. Granted Izuku /can't/ remember what the guy really looked like aside from his pretty ruby colored eyes and spikey hair or /what/ they talked about but trust him on this okay?

Kacchan was H A W T.

Izuku slowly rises from his spot on the couch, stretching. Grabbing his used glass to wash Izuku pads over to the kitchen. As he washes he looks around the kitchen noticing that Dabi's kitchen in fact /does not/ look like this. Izuku slowly sets the cup to dry, he slowly turns the water off and starts looking around the apartment.

He stumbles upon mail that says 'Katsuki Bakugo' apartment 6D. Which is funny because Dabi doesn't have a roommate AND he lives in apartment 6A.

So what's this mail doing- Izuku's eyes widened with pure panic.

"Oh my god" Izuku whispers in a panic "Oh my god. Im in the /wrong/ apartment" 

Suddenly Izuku can hear an alarm going off. He drops the mail on the counter top and stares at the closed bedroom door for a moment before he hears shuffling.

"Oh fuck oh fuck" Izuku mutters before running toward the front door.

He trips over his own shoes but does not fall, thankfully. He grabs them off the floor and snatches his jacket off the hook.

The bedroom door creaks open and he fumbles with the locks on the door. Currently in Izuku's mind he is in a horror movie and the killer is gonna get him.

The front door unlocks and Izuku zooms out so fast you would have thought he was flash. The door slams behind him and Izuku runs smack dab into Dabi who clearly was coming back from getting breakfast.

"Dude" Dabi says as he opens the door to his apartment "where the hell were you last night?"

Izuku squints and shoves his way into Dabi's apartment "Shut the door shut the door"

Dabi closes the door but stares at Izuku oddly "is this like? Your walk of shame? Who did you go home with? Why are your shoes off? You are so pale? Did you see a ghost?"

Izuki ignores all of Dabi's questions, none of them are important /at all/. "WHY DIDN'T YOU ANSWER YOUR BELL?"

Dabi laughs "sorry man! I fell asleep. I texted you this morning though... didn't you get it?"

"No! My phone is dead and I slept in a stranger's house!" Izuku tugs at his hair "Oh my god i slept in a stranger's house"

Dabi snorts "So you /did/ go home with someone"

"No!" Izuku cries "I have no idea? I can't remember? But I just know. I woke up in the apartment across the hall and i was just there wandering around wondering when the hell did /you/ grow up?"

Izuku takes in Dabi's apartment and for once in his life he is so happy to the classic frat boy way Dabi lives his life.

"I feel like i should be offended" Dabi says, placing his bags on the counter with a small smile "So you didn't sleep with whoever lives across the hall?"

"Nope. Woke up on their very nice couch" Izuku says "There was water and pills set out for- Oh my god! I took pills from a stranger??? I don't know what they were???? Oh my god"

Izuku looks at Dabi horrified. "I'm gonna die???"

Dabi rounds the counter and walks Izuku to his living and sits him down.

"You need to breathe" Dabi says "You aren't going to die. Chances are they let you up and you crashed on their couch okay? We can ask"

Izuku looks at Dabi like he has grown a second head. "WE CAN'T DO THAT??? THAT'S SO EMBARRASSING??? I THOUGHT I WAS IN YOUR APARTMENT? Who knows what I did? What i said"

"My neighbor across the hall does.... we just have to ask???"

"NO!"

Dabi laughs hard "why are you so embarrassed??"

Izuku doesn't know why. He just feels like whatever he did super drunk is mortifying and he would rather not know. See because drunk Izuku and sober Izuku are /two/ different people.

He wants /nothing/ to do with drunk Izuku.

- - - - -

Katsuki tiredly exited his bedroom just as his apartment door slammed. He blinks because in his tired hazed mind he doesn't recall why that would happen.

In his tired haze mind there was an intruder.

So suddenly awake he runs toward the front of his apartment, tripping on a blanket that was haphazardly tossed and he falls with embarrassingly loud thud.

Then it clicks, the cute drunk fucker from last night just dipped.

Who the fuck just leaves like that??

Okay. Granted he probably woke up super disoriented and confused but Katsuki woulda explained what happened.

Maybe even ask for his number and maybe a date.

Katsuki gets off the floor and heads to the door and swings it open. The hallway is empty, he guesses it is nothing to be so hung up about.

Except he is. Shouldn't be because Deku is a /stranger/.

- - - - -

Sometimes you pass people by in life and for the oddest reason they /stick with you/. You think about them at random moments, you wonder how they are doing, what they are doing.

But Izuku did not pass Kacchan by. He slept on his couch, washed a dish in the house, snooped through his mail and he /can't/ remember what he looked like aside from his hair and eyes.

It's been two weeks since the incident that has been dubbed the "sleep and run" and for some reason Izuku /can't/ let it go.

He is bar hopping again with his friends, with the same assignment as last time- Dabi's after. Dabi promises he'll be awake, that the mishap from last won't happen again.

Is it wrong? Izuku secretly hopes that it does?

He groans after throwing back a shot. He lays his head on his hands watching as his friends have an animated conversation. About what? He has no idea, Izuku has one too many drinks and his mind is completely on Kacchan.

"Izuku are you okay?" Ochako questions tapping her friend

"He was soooooo hot chako" is izuku's reply

Making her snort into her drink. She is fully aware of what had happened, she doesn't understand why Izuku just didn't talk to the guy after the fact but knowing Izuku he was probably freaking out.

"I j-just wanna talk to him again" Izuku's words are becoming slurred and Ochako decides it's high time to cut Izuku off.

"So talk to him again. He lives across from Dabi right? Just talk to him tomorrow" she says

It's a great idea. A Fantastic idea even. Just not the tomorrow part.

At least not to a drunk Izuku.

So when the night is over and Izuku stands outside of Dabi's apartment staring at the intercom like it insulted his mother. He can't remember Kacchan's apartment but he remembers the number 6 because you know Dabi lives on six and they are neighbors.

So izuku begins pressing buttons and stringing together jumbled words that make the question

"Hi- *hiccup* D-did you let a drunk green haired guy sleep on your couch?"

"No! What the fuck? Dont you see the time?!"

Then the next one someone picked up there was a crying baby in the background and loud "Fuck you" to Izuku's question.

"H-*hiccup* Hey! Did you let *hiccup* a drunk green haired man sleep on your couch?"

"Izuku? Are you pressing random buttons??" - its Dabi he actually kept his promise of staying awake.

Izuku squints "sorry wrong number"

"Wait-"

But Izuku already pressed the button to cancel the intercom connection.

He presses another button and rings for a while before it picks up.

"Who is it??"

"H-hey! Did you let a drunk *hiccup* green haired man sleep on your couch?"

"Deku?"

"Who is Deku? You sound really familiar, have we spoken before?"

There is an audible snort "I'll buzz you in"

"No, that's okay! Im looking for someone"

Another snort "I know. Come on."

Then the buzz of the door being open brings Izuku lots of joy.

"YOU ARE A SAINT!"

It's an odd sensation of deja vu and Izuku at this moment in time can't think of why.

- - - - -

Katsuki chuckles to himself and heads to open his door. He kind of had been hoping to either run into his neighbor to ask about his friend or the drunk idiot would show up again.

Katsuki couldn't stop thinking about him. Something about knocking on his neighbor's door felt funny. So he just never did.

When he opens the door, he finds his neighbor outside of it.

"Hey man" He says cooly "Im Dabi. I live just across the hall" he point behind him "My idiot friend Izuku... he um-"

"Katsuki. He crashed on my couch two weeks ago" Katsuki says

"So you know him! Cool!" Dabi says "Listen he-"

"Was ringing doorbells looking for me"

Dabi snorts and nods.

"Yeah i buzzed him" Katsuki shoves his hands into his sweats "You gonna take him? Or is it cool that he crashes here again?"

Dabi looks taken aback for a moment before he smiles big and wide. "Nah man. He is /all/ yours"

"Cool."

Dabi gives Katsuki a salute and disappears back into his apartment. Just as Katsuki can hear Izuku's drunk ass coming up the stairs singing.

"Kill a man. Take his shoes. Kill a man. Take his shoes. Kill a man, take his shoes so I can be more comfortable" Izuku reaches the top steps and grins to himself.

Katsuki finds it cute and endearing.

"Kill a ma- Kacchan!" Izuku shouts with a large smile that twist Katsuki's insides in ways he doesn't know how to compute.

"Deku." Katsuki says with his own smile

"Who is Deku? Im Iz-u-ku" He replies standing before Katsuki still smiling.

"Tch" Katsuki rolls his eyes "Whatever. Get inside dork"

"Okay!"

Dabi watched from his peephole as the pair went inside. He shakes his head with a laugh and hopes Izuku does not freak out like he did last time.

- - - - -

"The rest is history" Dabi says as he smirks into the microphone. He turns to the newly weds, holding up his champagne glass.

"So while yes we should toast to the happy couple" Dabi says "Let's toast to me too. For falling asleep and not answering my door because if not for that. They wouldn't have met"

Izuku laughs and rolls his eyes while Katsuki scoffs with his lips curving up.

"To the couple!" Dabi says into the mic before bringing glass to his lips.

Everyone around, including Katsuki and Izuku shouts "To Dabi!"

The Venue is filled with laughter and music now that all the speeches are done. Izuku leans his head on his husband's shoulder with a smile.

If you would have told Izuku that he would one day get really wasted, ring the wrong bell and sleep on a stranger's couch who he would later come to date and marry?

He'd probably laugh in your face. Because Izuku just didn't get wasted like that.

But he did and /all that/ happened.

Now he is married to the stranger who let him in and let him sleep on his really nice couch.

Izuku couldn't be happier. Both of them couldn't be happier.

The End 

#midoriya izuku #bakugou katsuki #bkdk #anime #writers #oneshot #meet cute #fluff #drunk antics #strangers to lovers #no quirks au #mha #bnha #Happy ending

[bylersecretsanta2023]

from @marshmallo824, to @dont-open-dead-inside-25

what are you doing new year's eve?

“Uh, no, Max, that’s actually not your best move. My pawn isn’t even close to your home base!”

There are only a couple more hours until 1989, and it looks like Mike Wheeler will be ringing in the New Year with copious amounts of vexation. It’s been a rough night for him, competitively speaking: he was first to go bankrupt in Monopoly, failed to break 200 in Yahtzee, and ended up with approximately half the deck by the end of Uno. 

Now, he’s red in the face and fuming over a particularly tense game of Sorry! – Max (the strategist of the operation, getting Lucas to actually move her pieces) has just knocked Mike’s last pawn back to Start. Dustin has a clear lead, though Max-and-Lucas are starting to catch up.

Will was supposed to be teaming with El, but he’s barely paying attention. Mike looks far too good tonight in a soft maroon sweater and black jeans, even if his facial expression is slightly…constipated. Sue him if he’s distracted, honestly. The Mike Wheeler Obsession™ that has sort of characterized all of Will’s teenage years certainly is following him into 1989. 

It also doesn’t help that the taller boy finally gave in to his mother’s complaints and got a haircut last week. The nostalgia had hit Will like a semi-truck when he’d first seen it – with shorter hair, he looks shockingly like he did when they were in eighth grade and Mike had been the only tolerable part of that fall’s flayed-and-fucked-up fever dream. 

“Do you like it?” Mike had asked quietly, maybe a little nervously.

Will frantically nodded, because the only words his mouth was capable of replying with were I love you I love you I love you Will you stay with me forever? and he was pretty sure that wouldn’t be the response Mike was hoping for.

In holding his tongue, Will was thoroughly rewarded with a bashful but earnest smile from Mike. “I guess I was kinda worried it would look a little stupid.”

“Not possible. You look great,” he blurted out, completely negating his success from mere seconds earlier. “I mean, it suits you.” It wasn’t the world’s best amendment, but it seemed to be enough.

“Hey, thanks, man. I mean it.” Will watched Mike tuck a strand of hair behind his ear, maybe out of habit, but it simply drifted back towards his face due to its new length. 

“It’s the most wonderful time of the year, Wheeler.” Max is grinning, which only seems to irritate Mike further. “Where’s the joy in your heart?”

“I’d be a lot more joyous if you’d play the fuckin’ game right, Mayfield. Dustin is gonna kick all our asses but for some reason you’d rather go after the guy with one pawn on the board? You’re insane, you know that? What a shitty strategy.”

Things escalate further from there, and rather quickly. Max is laughing as Lucas defends her, entering a vicious back-and-forth with Mike, while Dustin’s gaze darts excitedly between them like he’s at goddamn Wimbledon. El is explaining the scene to Max, and that only makes both girls laugh harder. Upon seeing this, Mike gets ramped up even more. As soon as he opens his mouth, Will can tell the other boy’s about to say something he’s really going to regret, so he puts a gentle hand on Mike’s shoulder, hoping it’ll slow his roll for even a second.

It works with almost disturbing efficacy. Mike’s teeth clack together audibly as he shuts his mouth, and he swivels to Will, suddenly and almost completely disengaged from the previous argument (if not for the exasperated furrow of his eyebrows and the exaggerated heaving of his chest). 

“Hey, you wanna take a break for a bit?” he finds himself saying, not letting go of Mike’s shoulder just yet. Mike, to his credit, nods sheepishly and stands. In the typical fashion of the Party, their other friends have already moved on, fully engaged in the remaining part of the game. El quirks her head at Will, eyeing Mike inconspicuously. 

You’ll take care of him?

I always do. I hope you win for us.

El grins at him, eyes glinting mischievously. I always do.

“I’m still not convinced you guys didn’t actually share a womb,” Dustin asserts, but Will’s already standing and following Mike out of the basement, leaving El to decide how to handle the biological twin allegations.

Upstairs, the Wheelers’ New Year’s Eve party is in full swing. The lilt of sociable adult laughter and the drone of the television drift through warmly-lit and stately rooms. Mike still looks wound-up, and maybe even a little discouraged. Will’s not having it, and he gets on his tiptoes to reach Mike’s ear.

“Follow my lead,” he whispers, and tugs a visibly confused Mike into the living room, where Mr. Wheeler looks about five minutes away from sleeping through the New Year altogether. There’s an empty champagne glass in his hand.

“Happy New Year, Mr. Wheeler,” Will beams, offering the man the firmest handshake he can muster. 

“William, it’s good to see you,” Ted drawls, eyes already drooping with exhaustion. “Could you take this glass to my wife in the kitchen?”

“Sure, should I ask her to refill it?”

He waves a hand dismissively and leans back further in the La-Z-Boy. “Don’t think I could have another. You’re a good young man, you hear that? Maybe it’s not too late for you to rub off on Michael. He could stand to have some more manners.”

“Dad, I’m right here,” Mike sighs. Normally, it’d be pretty funny, but he’s already stressed enough as it is, and Will can hear the strain in his voice from keeping it together. Ted blinks lazily and turns his head, nodding at his son.

“Excellent,” he murmurs, and dozes off. Mike rolls his eyes and takes the glass out of his dad’s hands. As the two make their way to the kitchen, which is currently heavily packed with mothers, Will deftly takes it out of his hands. Karen Wheeler is currently engaged in conversation with Claudia Henderson. They both seem to be walking the fine line between wine-drunk and…wine-plastered. Score.

“Mrs. Wheeler? Mr. Wheeler asked me to bring this to you.”

Karen doesn’t even ask, just automatically fetches the bottle of champagne. “I expected that,” she murmurs with a conspiratorial wink. “Every year, Ted makes his way to his last glass by ten o’clock sharp.”

The clock reads 11:37, but Will doesn’t point this out.

“Are you boys having a nice time?” Mrs. Henderson asks, almost as if she’s just realized they’re here. Mike nods quickly, but Will’s going for his Academy Award. He schools his face into a concerned but polite frown.

“You know how kids can be,” he sighs, a little wistful. Karen finishes (rather generously) filling the glass and perks up at this, maternal instincts kicking into gear despite the effects of her revelry.

She seems to notice something in Mike’s expression and reaches up to hold his face with her hands. Mike shoots a panicked look at Will, which shifts to annoyance upon receiving Will’s shit-eating grin.

“They take advantage of his enthusiasm, Mrs. Wheeler,” Will laments, overselling it just because he knows he can. “He’s just too earnest for this cruel and unfeeling world.”

Karen clicks her tongue sadly. “How perceptive! You know, I’ve always said that, Will.” She wraps Mike in a tight hug. “Oh, my bright boy. Never let them put your flame out.”

“Okay, Mom,” Mike placates, awkwardly wrenching himself out of her grasp. 

“Nice to see you, Mrs. Wheeler,” Will beams, and she’s too moved by Whatever Just Happened to take notice of him dragging Mike up the stairs instead of back into the living room.

They quietly slip into Mike's bedroom and shut the door, entirely unnoticed.

“I can’t believe you stole champagne from my mom, dude,” Mike remarks, amazement clear in his tone. Will flushes with embarrassment and maybe even pride.

“I didn’t steal it, Mike. She gave it to us, remember? Besides, it’s only one glass.” He hands said glass to Mike. “It’s not like I snagged us the whole bottle.”

Mike wastes no time in taking his first sip. Pathetically, Will thinks he could get drunk just off of the way Mike’s throat bobs as he swallows the golden liquid. Without needing words, the two sit side by side on Mike’s bed; Mike passes the glass back over, and Will holds it carefully. He rotates it, aiming for a casual movement, until the part Mike’s mouth has touched is furthest from him. He drinks – it’s fruity, but clearly not strong. The scandal of it all is probably more exciting than actually getting drunk tonight, anyhow.

“Do you think I have cooties or something?” Mike asks, and Will turns to meet his eyes. 

“Um. No?”

Mike considers this. “Do you have cooties or something?” 

Will shakes his head, a little amused, but mostly baffled. Mike chuckles, but he sounds slightly exasperated. When they exchange the glass once more, Mike doesn’t turn the glass, drinking from the exact place as Will had. He shoots a lopsided grin at Will. “If you give me mono, I’m gonna be pissed off.”

Will giggles, taken aback. “Hey, you can’t say I didn’t try.”

One glass of champagne later, and they’re both nowhere near drunk, but Mike seems a hell of a lot calmer than he had been before they got up to his room. He hasn’t stopped smiling since his fourth sip, and Will swears he’s somehow inched closer every time they passed the glass between them.

“Hey, you wanna hear something?” Mike asks, but he’s already getting off the bed and crossing to the other side of the room, so Will doesn’t bother replying. When he comes back around, he’s holding his acoustic guitar. It’s something Mike could barely bring himself to touch after Eddie, but he’s coming around to it again. Will’s embarrassingly endeared at the sight of the instrument in his lovely hands, wishing for one idiotic and deranged moment that Mike could hold him with that amount of tenderness and care. 

What follows is maybe the most enthralling rendition of “Auld Lang Syne” that Will has ever heard. Sure, not every chord is spot-on (particularly when he’ll accidentally catch on a string that isn’t meant to be used), but Mike’s voice is so raspy and beautiful, and his eyes are narrowed with intense concentration. When he’s done, Mike sets the guitar aside and meets Will’s gaze, smiling sheepishly.

“It needs some practice, I know, but I only started learning it after Christmas, so I didn’t really have –”

“I like you.”

It slips out entirely without his permission. “I mean,” he immediately backtracks, “I mean, I thought you did great. Seriously, nice job, man.” The casual form of address feels clunky in his mouth, but he’s desperate to cast off as much suspicion as possible. Maybe Mike will let it go?

“You like me?” 

When the two of them were younger, maybe in fourth or fifth grade, they’d both gone through a Greek mythology phase. As a result, Will’s well-versed with the concept of the tragic heroes and their fatal flaws – like hubris, or what have you. Mike’s fatal flaw is his persistence. Of course he wasn’t going to let it go; the ability to do something like that isn’t even in his skillset. 

And Will – Will’s fatal flaw is that he’s a really fucking bad liar.

“Yeah, I do. I have for a while. I’m sorry.”

Mike’s silent for a while, eyes wide and vulnerable as they search every corner of Will’s face. He blinks a few times, mouth hanging open slightly. Will looks down at his lap, tasting bile and champagne rising in his throat. He swallows it down.

“Do you wanna be my midnight kiss?”

Will nearly breaks his neck with the speed at which he turns to look at Mike. “What?”

“I said, do you wanna be my midnight kiss? You know, that thing that people do? On New Year’s Eve?”

“Mike,” he pleads, confused and a little panicked, “what are you talking about? You don’t – you don’t like me like that. Don’t do this for my sake, that’s just stupid –”

“Who said it’s just for your sake?” Mike snaps, a little frustrated. He softens a little, probably realizing how insane he sounds right now. “Listen, I – I mean, I’m…surprised. I don’t really know if I thought about us like that before. Maybe I didn’t let myself even go there, like, uh, mentally? But I feel –” and he places a hand against his own ribs – “happy, y’know? Giddy, almost.” 

Mike leans into Will’s personal space a little intensely. “And don’t you dare try to let me off by saying we’re drunk, because you and I both know we didn’t have enough for that.” Will shrugs, conceding before he can even begin to fight that battle. 

“I don’t get it,” he admits, trying not to sound as pathetic, needy, and utterly lost as he feels. Mike just grins at him, all boyish charm and eager humility.

“You make me smile. I like taking care of you, and you take care of me too. We understand each other – I mean, sometimes I feel like you’re the only person who really knows me, and you still like me? That’s – I mean, I can’t even wrap my head around that.”

“Why? You’re an incredible person,” Will protests, flushing with embarrassment as he does so. Mike’s smile gets even wider, somehow. He wrings his hands together as his leg begins to bounce, seemingly of his own accord.

“Do you know how fucking excited it makes me when you say shit like that? Feels like I could run a whole marathon, and dude, you know how much I hate running. I can’t believe I used to think you just made me nervous! How stupid is that? I guess I always thought being close to you – was dangerous, or something, like I was going to hurt you again. And I do still worry about that sometimes,” he adds, suddenly serious, “but that definitely doesn’t explain the butterflies.”

“Butterflies?” Will asks, incredulous. He’s not fully convinced this is real. Mike laughs, tipping his head back, well and truly cackling as if he can’t contain the joy he’s feeling.

“Yes! Butterflies! I’m so stupid, seriously, Will. I used to do stuff like – like keeping track of how much you smiled when we’d hang out with our friends, or trying to figure out what exactly it was that made you smell so nice on a given day, or wanting to be…to be close to you, just to hold you. And I guess I thought I was just being an attentive friend, but now that I know – I mean, of course I like you! How could I not like you, Will?”

Will thinks he might actually burst into tears right here in Mike’s bedroom, which is definitely a mood killer. By some miracle, he refrains.

“And don’t even get me started,” Mike continues, a little breathless in his excitement, “on what it does to me when I think about kissing you. Shit, I really want to kiss you. Can I kiss you, please?”

Will swallows, tries not to think too hard about the surreal bizarro world he’s suddenly found himself in. He takes a deep breath and looks down at his watch. “Hmm, I don’t know. Doesn’t look like it’s midnight yet.”

Despite the fact that Mike has a fully functional watch of his own, he leans even closer to Will anyways, peering down at his watch. “Well, what am I supposed to do for the next…forty-seven seconds?” Will just smiles at Mike, tipping his head forward until their foreheads are touching, and letting himself finally run a hand through his best friend’s soft, short waves.

“Be patient, loverboy,” he croons, earning a playfully indignant scoff from Mike. “Something tells me you’re gonna get kissed a lot next year.”

“Oh yeah?” 

“Yeah. Consider it my resolution,” Will breathes out.

When midnight comes and their lips finally meet, it’s like a billion fireworks have gone off all at once.

(Later on, after they’ve exchanged kisses to the point of putting their lungs entirely out of commission, the two of them crawl under the covers and cling to each other. They feign some excuse like body heat, but there’s no point in disguising any of it. They know.

And if Will, overwhelmed with joy at the feeling of Mike snoring gently against his shoulder, whispers “Happy fucking New Year,” into the open air…well, then. No one has to know, do they?)

#byler secret santa #mia on the mic #st #stranger things #byler #byler fanfic

[ballternia]

whats the FUNNIEST way youve died so far

TRANSLATION UNDER THE CUT

[06:45] BN: haha oh man alright

[06:45] BN: so like

[06:46] BN: me and the gang were hella zooted

[06:46] BN: and we got out to everyones favorite restaurant

[06:47] BN: indented geometric breakfast hive

[06:47] BN: its yknow sleeptime for near about everyone else but we uh

[06:47] BN: we dont

[06:49] BN: specially not after passin that bongalongalong around for a while ya feel me

[06:49] BN: anyway im all splattered up with syrup

[06:49] BN: havin the time of my life between the juice and the lil butter packets and the fuckin uhhhh

[06:50] BN: sosig

[06:50] BN: anyway

[06:50] BN: we get a lil rowdy

[06:50] BN: and they get a lil mad

[06:50] BN: and this huge fuckin south alternian chef comes heavin around the counter

[06:50] BN: swingin his skillet around and shit

[06:50] BN: and hes like

[06:51] BN: hes like eleven and a half feet tall man

[06:51] BN: so i say hey

[06:51] BN: hey oomfie

[06:51] BN: let me get up on your shoulders we can take this guy

[06:51] BN: so we do some advanced vertical docking you feel

[06:51] BN: yknow some real trolltron shit

[06:52] BN: so weve got the advantage right we got four arms four eyes we can take this dude

[06:52] BN: bro

[06:52] BN: bro it was cartoons

[06:53] BN: straight up wriggler enrichment animations

[06:53] BN: whang whang whang that big mfer is just swanging that skillet left and right

[06:53] BN: and us were too high and laughing too hard and too full of food to like

[06:53] BN: be the badasses we totally are

[06:53] BN: so like

[06:54] BN: we TRIED

[06:54] BN: okay i tried lets be real

[06:54] BN: i was like

[06:54] BN: watch this bro im gonna sweep the leg

[06:54] BN: …not remembering that my legs are the only thing keepin me up that high

[06:54] BN: so i go for a kick ha-chah

[06:54] BN: and whang here comes that pan again like a damn imperial fuckbarge

[06:55] BN: catches me in the crisscross

[06:55] BN: and i go SPINNIN

[06:55] BN: like BEYBLADE SPINNIN

[06:56] BN: off my buddys shoulders like a loose dreidel and brother all my shits going in the treasure gaper

[06:56] BN: im smoked before i hit the ground

[06:57] BN: aloft to the fuckn choir invisible

[06:57] BN: i watch my dumbass corpse SKID across the parkin lot

[06:57] BN: and wouldnt you know it

[06:57] BN: right through the sign

[06:58] BN: that says all you can eat

[06:58] BN: and thats

[06:59] BN: what we were fightin about anyway

[06:59] BN: bestie just wanted a few dozen more circular carb discs

[06:59] BN: is that so much to ask

[06:59] BN: just like 80 or 90 of em thats all

[07:00] BN: anyway i stayed dead and let him kick everyone elses asses before i got back into my body

[07:00] BN: no sense takin THAT trip twice ahahah

[07:01] BN: anyway after that we went across the street to the panglobal hive of carb discs

[07:01] BN: and started allllll over again

#beefit hugely #bibi blast #fantroll

[marisoft-paint-adventures]

Pgs. 385 - 445

TG: skepticism is the crutch of cinematic troglodytes TG: like hey mom dad theres a dinosaur or a ghost or whatever in my room. "yeah right junior go back to bed" TG: fuck you mom and dad how many times are we going to watch this trope unfold it wasnt goddamn funny the first time i saw it TG: just once id like to see dad crap his pants when a kid says theres a vampire in his closet TG: "OH SHIT EVERYONE IN THE MINIVAN" TG: be fuckin dad of the year right there

so fucking true Dave, keep spitting.

EB: that's fine, you are entitled to your opinion, i am just saying that being a white guy who is a rapper with a ventriloquist doll is not cool by any stretch of the imagination or by any definition of word cool, ironic or otherwise. that's all i'm saying.

ULTIMATE WHITE BOY BRO STRIDER.

oh hey it’s the page I used to showcase Hussie’s affinity for slurs.

uh

still bad.

me when I fucking sTAB MY MOTHER.

I’m having rough flashbacks to HS^2 and I don’t like it.

also I just gotta say that Mom is the coolest looking person in this entire comic I mean just look at this fucking POSE.

it just screams “hello daughter you are going to get fuckin served.”

yes. the pony. beloved Maplehoof.

I’ve always seen this idea that the process of creating Earth, and by extension Universe B, involved taking the attributes and interests of the 12 trolls and morphing them into brand new instances and ideas, like how Gamzee’s Juggalo religion manifested as ICP on Earth.

I like to think that the entirety of the For Assholes book series exists through a recycling of Karkat’s personality.

also that fucking Asshole Note is comedy gold.

aw yeah time to fucking beat the shit out of an imp let’s

shit.

W magnet.

alright for real this time let’s kick the shit out of this imp.

goddammit.

also another White John can be found in this flash, collect all 7 to turn Super White.

also the Egbert Centipede I guess.

Tip: I am so fucking mad.

OK 1 MORE TIME.

he did it. he destroyed the fucker. John man.

YES.

DO THE THING.

YEEEAAAAAAH.

yeah.

fuck you cat I am about to revive.

IT’S HER, CLOWN GRANDMA.

HI NANNA.

TG: i mean dont get me wrong i think its cool and all TG: the semi-ironic puppet thing or whatever TG: or semi-semi ironic TG: man i dont even know TG: im just starting to think some of this shit is going a little far and its kind of fucked up TT: I've seen his websites. TT: I like them.

what did she mean by this.

what did she mean by this?

what did she mean by this?!

TG: oh man i wish lil cal wouldnt look at me like that TG: with those dead eyes jesus TG: sometimes i dream that hes real and hes talking to me and i wake up in a cold sweat and basically flip the fuck out

not saying it.

Page 422, titled “[S] GO ON. ==>” completely underrated flash, just listen to this fuckin song.

it captures the feeling of a big expository RPG cutscene so damn well I love it, it’s like I’m a kid again.

this is also just one of my favorite Sburb mechanics, I love the concept of basically deciding the abilities and aesthetics of the NPCs via prototyping, it’s such a cool little thing and opens up a lot of possibility for any fan-sessions.

JOHN: ok, i think i get it now! JOHN: so i guess the battle against good and evil is sort of irrelevant? well, i don't know, that all sounds kind of weird, but in any case, we build the house to get to these gates, and then i can save my dad! NANNASPRITE: Yes, John! JOHN: and then after that, we solve this ultimate riddle thing and save earth from destruction!!! NANNASPRITE: Oh no, I'm afraid not!

NANNASPRITE: Your planet is done for, dear! There is nothing you can do about that! JOHN: oh...

I fucking love this sequence because John activates the Cheery Protagonist Mode ready to assemble a team of teens with attitude in order to save the world from Dark Chess and whatever only to hear that the entire world will end and his response is just “aw..... :(”

I went on this entire shpeel about the potential of writing an isolationist John based off of willy nilly prose narration at the beginning but MAN do the early versions of the kids not give a SHIT about what’s going on.

“John Egbert, the Earth is doomed, it is going to explode, all life will die, you and your friends will be the last living things remaining.”

“:(”

AND THEN HE JUST MOVES ON.

this is a very weird moment that sticks out when looking at the comic as a whole because the weight of literally all life dying at once is nonexistent, but at the same time, this is fucking hilarious.

it makes think about a lot of rewrites I’ve seen where they try, emphasis on try, to give the fact that world ends more emotional relevance, and they basically kinda force this by introducing random background characters who are obviously going to die immediately.

like “oh hi my name is Huma Nfriend I’ve been besties with John Egbert since childhood we’re very close and cool and we’re gonna play a game called Sburb!!!” and then they just

I understand y’all want to make the characters actually feel something in regards to the entire home blowing the fuck up but there’s gotta be better ways than inventing some characters just to fridge.

also John does this.

uh, yeah. I don’t know.

he’s having a moment.

just give him some space.

ok now that’s just rude.

god Rose’s house during the winter is so pretty.

holy shit a Jade and Rose conversation, I hope we get plenty of these! (we do not.)

Jade knows about Sburb??? and it could bring Jaspers back to life???? what could it me- ok this joke already fucking sucks.

ah yeah it’s time to beat the shit out of the local whiteboy.

this shit is so fucking cool oh my god.

also there are literally meteors falling as Dave looks out and I guess he does give a shit.

#homestuck liveblog #hs liveblog #hs reread #liveblog #reread #live read #liveread #homestuck #hs1 #hs #home22tuck #Act 2 #flash #john egbert #june egbert #Beta Kids

[inkedmyths]

S1: E22 "Devil's Trap"

Brought to you by hey so each and every one of you who made me watch this. You all suck. This is the worst. I hate it here. What sort of BULLSHIT was that—

This episode featuring: Odd interrogation techniques, family dynamics, bodysnatching, and one deeply upset Ink

Banging opening music

I will not fall doooown... when push comes to shove I will rise above... jammin

Here we fuckin go the boys are off to save or avenge their dad

[ Kayla asks if one of the opening montages has used Carry On My Wayward Son. I said no, because I would definitely remember that. ]

Where are we

What the dog doin

Holy water and whiskey. Mood.

Oh this be Bobby

[ Kayla and Crepe cheer. They love Bobby. ]

SCREAMS. JOHN JUST HAS THAT AFFECT ON PEOPLE (referring to when he threatened to shoot John) oh I like him already

Satanic Roach Hotel

Ohh. Bad year. Most years 4 possessions, but this one had at least 27...... well thats rough

UH OH

MEG

DEAN

Fuck off Meg

"Chuckleheads" GREAT word use Meg

GOTTEM

Okaaaay interrogation time

"Where's our father, Meg"

"You didn’t ask very nice"

"Where's our father, bitch"

Goddammit whys he so funny

Oh shes posessed

I dunno about innocent

Oh good news bc it means they can yeet the demon, yea?

"Hit it Sam" (begins praying)

[ Winchesters latest hit single in Christian Rap sweeps midwestern protestant congregations as a big hit! ]

Dean buddyyyy

Uh getting spookyyyyy

This is wild. Interrogation via exorcism

What the fuck are u gonna do here like what do u do

Shes dead but not but whats up

UHHHH WELL THATS FUCKING. SOMETHING

Hello ma'am

That sucks ass. Being exorcised certainly doesn't seem fun, esp when you got dropped from a building

A year............ bro.......

Poor gal...

As I went down to the river....

Oh she gone.............

:(

:((

STOP ZOOMING IN ON HER DEAD FACE

"You guys think you invented lying to the cops?" lmao thanks bobby

"I won't even try to shoot him this time"

[ Crepe asks Kayla if Meg is the woman Bobby has buried in his garden or if that's someone else. Concerning. ]

SCREAMS hes making the car safe and Dean is like MY CAR

Dean just wants his family to stop being self sacrificing. Hypocrite

Sunrise Apartments!

Building full of human shields... thats a problem

Pull the fire alarm lol

Oh those people are SO posessed

Yep there he is, tied u— hm. I don't. Like that actually

"I've got a Yorkie upstairs, and he pees when he's nervous—" Dean for funniest liar

THEY STOLE THE FIREFIGHTERS FITS

Demon? Demön?

Holy water!!

Hes still breathing hes not dead yet

But he might be posessed

Oh just had to check

Uh oh someone else just got posessed

And another....

Aha... the colt

[ Kayla: Uhhh I'm here for the colt stuff - the Winchesters]

2 bullets left!

Alright. Now what

Fambily

Dean can and will kill for his family huh

Uh oh zappy lights

The demon's here!

Uh oh

Something is wrong

OH

OH SHIT

Sam going AAA

AUGH WHATS HAPPENING

I DONT KNOW

WHAT IS THISSSSS

Bullshit bullshit

Me: DEAN WAS RIGHT

Kayla: and why was he right :)

Me: Bc he would have been pissed :(

Kayla: and never proud :)

Kayla: (therapy voice) and how did that make you feel

Me: I hate it here

Kayla: elaborate on that

Me: I haaaate it here

Kayla: mhm mhm (writing stuff down)

"What are you and God going to do?" dammmn

Justice for WHAT

Oh so a demon cares about its family

Good for him but also you were already trying to kill them before??

Yeah? Why?

What's your angle here

Huhhhhh. What the fuck do you want with Sam

"I really can't stand all your monologuing"

Oooough hitting him where it hurts damn

OOOH DAMN DEAN THROWING SHADE BACK

How are u guys goimg to get out of this

Oh shit oh SHIT

AAAAAAAAA

OH THE LEG!! SMART!!!!!!

Oh fuck man

Bro it fucking leaving

Well this is an Awkward Family Ride

Kayla: awkward family ride abt to

TRUCK

What the fuck what the fuck

WHAT THE FUCK IS THIS

BRO WHAT

THATS IT FOR SEASON 1??

BULLSHIT

---

My so-called friends then proceeded to point, laugh, and heckle me for the next 10 minutes. This is bullshit I hope you know. Stupid goddamn cliffhangers stupid Winchesters and their STUPID FAMILY NONSENSE—

#on the highway to superhell #supernatural #spn #...season 1........done........ #(head in my hands) #why. why have you people done this to me. why would you DO this

[dirk-rider]

TT: I’m here.

TT: I knocked for like five minutes and you still didn’t come to the door goddamn.

TT: Are you taking a massive shit or something?

TT: I bet you’re on the toilet going “Aw damn Dirk’s coming over and my toilet smells like a horse’s asshole right now”.

TT: That’s totally what you’re saying to yourself.

GT: Sorry im on my way to the door right now!

GT: I was just putting dinner in the oven my apologies!

TT: Dude it’s 13:00 why are you making dinner already. You probably just finished eating lunch.

GT: Well yes but im making ham! You cant undercook ham or youll feel ill and have to go home early and i dont want you leaving so soon!

TT: I don’t particularly mind being sick. I’ll just vomit all over your grandpa’s fuckin’ bearskins.

As Dirk sent his message, the door swung open in front of him and he was quickly pulled into a tight hug.

“Dirk, it’s so good to see your face! I’m so glad you could make it this early!” Jake said, giving Dirk a rough pat on the back.

Dirk coughed a bit into Jake’s neck at the force before replying “Yeah man, you said this series was long as hell. Figured we should start early.”

Jake let go of Dirk and stepped back. “Yes it is! Downton Abbey is quite a cinematic marvel, it’s a wonder it went on as long as it did!” He gestured towards the door. “After you!”

So Dirk stepped inside and looked around, still not entirely used to the… odd decor Mr. Harley used. He didn’t particularly dwell on it, though - the kitchen was already wafting out scents that made Dirk feel hungry. He felt his stomach rumble and put an arm around it reflexively, blushing a bit at the noise.

“Didn’t eat lunch again?” he heard from behind him, and spun around quickly to face Jake.

“Um,” was all he managed to reply. Of course he hadn’t eaten lunch, who has time to eat lunch? He was a busy guy and he didn’t need food, anyway. His mind had been occupied with other, more important things, like researching the best way to use a hydraulic system in a partially animated stuffed animal, as any normal guy would.

“It’s alright, I figured as much,” Jake chuckled. “I set out some snacks for you in the living room.”

“Uh thanks man. You didn’t have to do that, though,” Dirk tried saying, before his stomach let out another sharp growl. He grimaced. “Fine, I’ll eat something.”

Jake smiled. “Sweet! Well then, go make yourself comfortable! Just wait one moment for me to finish what I’m doing, and I’ll be right on out to join you!”

Dirk nodded. “Alright, see you in a minute.”

He made his way down the hallway until he found the living room, and was admittedly quite grateful for the sheer mount of snacks Jake had piled up.

He flopped down on the couch and grabbed the remote, quietly mumbling to himself as he turned the television on and started flicking through streaming services looking for whatever the fuck Jake wanted to watch. Some show about British people, that��s about all he knew.

Eventually he got to Jake’s watchlist and began scrolling down, looking for anything vaguely British looking. Jake was the only person he knew who actually used the watchlist feature, but hey, someone had to.

As he was scrolling he reached down and grabbed a handful of potato chips from one of the bowls Jake had laid out, leaning forward a bit as he shoved them into his mouth. He was really quite hungry, no matter how much he denied it. And he’d do pretty much anything to make the embarrassing noises from his midsection go away before Jake got back.

Finally he found the show and squinted his eyes to read the description.

“This historical drama follows the lives of the Crawley family and their servants in the family's Edwardian country house.”

Goddamn this sounded boring already.

Oh well, Jake seemed pretty excited to show this to Dirk, so he figured it’d only be nice of him to bear through it.

Especially since there was food.

He blushed a bit again but didn’t stop shoving chips into his mouth, only hoping he could eat enough before Jake got back so he didn’t have to embarrass himself.

After about five minutes, Jake came waltzing into the room and plopped himself down on the seat next to Dirk. He smiled when he looked at the television.

“Oh, good, you found it already!” he exclaimed, clapping his hands a bit. “You’ll love it, I just know it! Maybe in a sort of ironic fashion, but love it nonetheless!”

Dirk snorted. “What do you mean I’d enjoy it ‘ironically’? This shit looks so fucking real. Real as shit,” he said sarcastically. “Seriously though, I’m already asking myself why you’re so into this. Is it really that exciting?”

Jake grinned wider. “Oh, heavens no! It’s the most boring shit I have ever seen!”

Dirk sighed, then laughed a bit as he said, “Well turn it on already, I’m so damn excited you don’t even know.”

So Jake did just that, and Dirk leaned back a bit as the show began. And yep, it was pretty much as good as he expected.

As they watched, Dirk would make occasional comments and jabs at the characters, and soon he became so preoccupied with this that he hardly noticed how much he was eating. He only really went quiet when his hand reached the bottom of the bowl.

“Is everything alright?” Jake asked, looking to face Dirk.

Dirk quickly looked away before replying, “Uh yeah, sorry. I just, uh, finished that entire thing. Heh.” And lord, had he really?? Admitting that was almost… arousing.

No, it was definitely arousing, and Dirk knew it.

“Oh, that’s alright!” Jake replied. “There’s more, you know! One more bowl of chips and a box of cookies, all storebought but still quite good!”

“Uhh yeah. Thanks, man.” Dirk flushed a bit. God, he really wanted to eat all of that.

Really, the only thing stopping him was that he felt Jake had started catching onto what he was doing.

See, Dirk had began playing this little game with himself. He’d known since he was young that something about food was incredibly arousing to him, and when he realized how oblivious Jake tended to be, he began challenging himself to eat as much as he could on their dates. It made him incredibly flustered, but also incredibly aroused. Knowing he was doing something he would regularly get off to, right in front of his oblivious boyfriend, was like some sick kind of foreplay to him.

Recently, though, he got the feeling Jake was catching on. He’d ask questions, like “how much are you planning on eating today?” And he’d offer him more and more food, and he was just acting… different. So Dirk decided he had to cut back around Jake, at least for the time being.

At the same time, though, he didn’t want to be rude and just ignore all this that Jake had set out for him…

He grabbed a handful of popcorn and shoved that into his mouth, too.

About five episodes in Dirk had gone through another bowl of chips, a bowl of popcorn, and an entire box of cookies. Jake had also gotten up momentarily to “check on the food”, and had come back with an orange soda, which Dirk had downed as well.

His stomach was already gurgling quietly, but after so many months of regular sessions similar to this, he knew he could still get more food in there if he wanted.

He noticed Jake occasionally looking over at his stomach, but he never said anything, so neither did Dirk. Instead, he would fill space where they should be talking with admittedly less and less ironic rambles pertaining to the characters.

As he was cursing out a character named Matthew for not making any moves towards a girl named Mary (holding quite a few parallels to how he used to feel towards Jake, though he’d never admit it), he heard a bell ding.

“Oh, dinners almost ready! Alright, Dirk, I’ll be back in a jiffy to grab you!” Jake exclaimed, getting up.

Dirk looked up at him. “Man alright, take your time.”

“Will do! Should be about ten, fifteen minutes, give or take,” Jake said, flipping the light switch on. “I’ll see you then!” And he was gone.

Now that Dirk was alone on the couch, he felt safe pulling his shirt up a bit and admiring his stomach. It was shaping out nicely around his jeans, and he had a slight bloated muffin top, but he exercised enough that he still had a nice set of abs beneath it.

He pulled out his phone to take a quick picture, then went to scroll through his social media feeds while he waited for Jake to come back. As he was scrolling, he rested his free hand on his stomach and rubbed small circles around it, knowing this would ease the bloating at least a bit and make it easier for him to eat dinner without looking exceedingly stuffed. He patted his stomach and forced out a short belch to clear out some more space that was filled with gas bubbles from the soda he’d downed, and sighed.

God, he wished he could absolutely fill himself to the brim with good food, but he knew he couldn’t, not without fear of Jake calling him out. So instead he just continued on readying himself for the next meal and tried to distract his mind through reading mindless drivel.

Eventually, he heard his name, and looked up to see Jake standing over him. He quickly pulled his shirt down, hoping to look casual while doing so.

“Dinners ready!” Jake smiled down at him. “And I hope you’re hungry, because I made a lot!”

Dirks face reddened and he hoped to god that Jake didn’t notice as he replied, “Alright, I’m coming.”

“Swell!”

So the two walked down to the dining room, Jake leading the way.

When they got there, Jake pulled out one of the many seats for Dirk before heading to sit on the opposing end. The table was one meant for large gatherings, so the two sitting across from each other without anyone there made for a slight dissonance, but Jake seemed used to it by now. He’d already placed dinner on the table, too - half of a glazed ham sat in between the two, alongside a large bowl of assorted fruits (most of which Dirk couldn’t even name), and a few toasted bread buns.

“I hope you like it!” Jake smiled, resting his hands underneath his chin.

“Wow, man, this is… this looks so good. This smells so good. …You’re really spoiling me, huh?” Dirk chuckled lightly, and Jake looked very pleased with himself.

“Of course I am! I am your boyfriend, after all!” Jake smiled back at him. But there was a slight malicious undertone that Dirk wasn’t sure he was imagining.

To distract himself, he cut out a chunk of the meat and laid it on his plate. And as he took a bite, his eyes widened.

Dear lord if this wasn’t the best thing he’d tasted in a while.

He quickly cut out another bit and shoved it into his mouth, too, and then another, and another. And this time, he wasn’t even intentionally doing this to get off - it was genuinely amazing food.

As he was reaching for more of the ham, Jake’s voice came from across the table.

“Make sure to get some of the other things I’ve set out as well! I didn’t put all of this work in for nothing!”

Dirk nodded and took an admittedly large portion of the fruit plate (much larger than he’d intended, it was a really big spoon) and one of the bread rolls.

“Sorry I didn’t have too much variety in this meal, by the way! I figured you’d be more comfortable with something I know you like, so I really only set out things we’ve previously discussed.”

“Are you kidding? This shit slaps, man! You’re fucking fantastic!” Dirk replied, looking up and across at Jake. And he really meant it. Despite how he felt in situations like this, the sexiness factor was currently almost entirely replaced by admiration. It meant a lot more than he could ever put into words.

“Oh thank you, haha! I just wanted to make sure you could get good and full!” Jake replied.

Shit now the sexiness factor was back.

Dirk blushed a bit but said nothing, instead just going back to his own plate of food.

As the two ate they chatted about the series they’d been watching moments earlier, Jake going on a bit of a monologue quite a few times as he explained how “the narrative really almost plays second fiddle to just how much they put into this camerawork!” and stuff like that. And Dirk didn’t mind, honestly he was just relieved he didn’t have to say too much, as his stomach began filling out more and he couldn’t focus on too much else.

The pressure in his gut was becoming a lot if he was honest, and he was trying desperately to not find arousal in this, not now. He had to stop soon, he told himself, before his feelings made themselves known.

So Dirk put his utensils down and leaned back in his seat, hoping to say without words that he was done.

Jake noticed, though, and quickly interrupted his own ramblings.

“Aww, come on, Dirk! I’m sure you can fit just a little more food in that stomach of yours!” he exclaimed.

Shit if that sentence wasn’t enough to pop a boner.

“Sorry man, I’m stuffed,” Dirk replied, closing his eyes for a moment.

Next thing he knew, though, Jake was at his side, putting another few slices of meat on Dirk’s plate, alongside two more bread rolls.

“I bet you can at least eat this much,” he said. “I made all of this for you, you know! Would be a waste if someone didn’t eat it!”

Dirk opened one eye to look up at him.

“Can’t you just leave it for leftovers?” he mumbled, furrowing his brow and hoping to god Jake didn’t look down at Dirk’s pants.

Jake chuckled a bit. “Well of course I’ll leave some for a later date! But it’s still best fresh out of the oven, you know?” He patted Dirk on the shoulder. “So eat up!”

Dirk groaned slightly. If Jake would stop saying hot shit he might be a little more agreeable, but he knew he’d just keep pestering him until he finished what was on his plate, so he picked up one of the rolls and brought it to his mouth. Jake seemed pleased by this and went back to his side of the table.

As Dirk continued eating, he looked over at Jake. “Why don’t you have more? You’re real insistent on getting me all good and stuffed like a thanksgiving turkey, but you’ve hardly eaten half of what I have.” He forced a laugh to hopefully sound more playful.

Jake smiled smugly. “Dirk, you have a stomach of steel! I don’t think anyone could fit nearly as much in there as you can!”

Dirk let that run through his mind. He couldn’t find any counterarguments, so he just continued plowing on. The pressure in his stomach only became more and more noticeable, though, and with it so did the pressure in his pants. A few times as he was eating he had to stop to let rumbling belches into his fist, which only really made the problem in his pants worse. And then Jake would give his own plaudits on each one, which really cemented it all.

After what felt like forever, Dirk’s plate was finally empty, and he sighed as he slouched forward to put his head in his hands.

“Okay, man, I’mmrrUurp - fuck, sorry. I’m done.”

Jake grinned as the eructation forced itself past Dirk’s unwilling lips, and Dirk’s face heated.

“Oh, goodie! And look at you, too, all nice and filled up. You did extraordinarily, I’d say!” Jake told him, getting up from his seat and taking his diningware in one hand. “Oh, dear, apologies - could you slide that over to me?” he then asked, nodding towards Dirk’s plate, and Dirk nodded back as verification.

When he tried to get up, though, he realized his stomach was much heavier than he had previously thought. His brow furrowed, and he huffed as he got up to hand the plate to Jake. The table was wide enough that he couldn’t really reach Jake’s not-so-outstretched hand, so he had to lean forward. And leaning forward had the side effect of making sure the edge of the table cut directly into Dirk’s distended gut, forcing out a lengthy belch.

“bwoooOOAAaaaarrrphhh!!”

Dirk’s eyes shot open behind his shades, and he clamped the hand not holding himself upright over his mouth. Sick fuck that he was, of course he enjoyed the feeling.

“Oh, wow, Dirk, that one carried some absolute heft! I didn’t think you’d have room in your stomach to even hold that after such a dense meal. Nice work, bro!” Jake took Dirk’s plate from his outstretched hand and began walking back to the kitchen.

“Be a dear and go turn the telly back on?”

Dirk once again nodded, unwilling to open his mouth until he was alone once more. Jake was fucking with him, he just had to be fucking with him, there was no way he wasn’t fucking with him.

As Dirk made his way back to the living room, he found his second trip there much slower than the first due to the weight he held internally. He used this time to mull over whether Jake was finally certain one hundred percent in Dirk’s kinks. The way he complimented him wasn’t too far off from how it was when Dirk had first started, true. But it also felt as though Jake was now indulging Dirk, trying to get him to a point that he couldn’t deny his interest if his life depended on it. He was cooking larger and larger meals, feeding Dirk more and more, and now he was becoming pretty damn insistent, too.

When Dirk entered the living room, he took a precautionary step and took a blanket out of the basket (of course the English-Harleys had a blanket basket) to hopefully cover his arousal.

After he plopped down on the couch, he placed it atop himself in a way he hoped looked casual, as though he was totally not hiding anything at all. Because what was there to hide. Nothing, that’s what. Or, that’s what he told himself, at the very least.

He used one hand to hit the “on” button of the remote as his other hand ran through his hair, and he allowed himself a shaky breath out. He had to go full on denial mode, not allow his thoughts even a taste of arousal.

To do so, he went back to scrolling through his previous mindless online drivel, and it worked for the most part. His gut was still gurgling, and the sounds would pry his focus away from his distractions. But only for a few seconds, before he’d remind himself that now was most certainly not the time, not if he wanted to keep up the charade.

By the time Jake joined Dirk, Dirk had managed to get the majority of his blood back where it belonged. He looked up at Jake.

“Back so soon?”

“I told you I’d be no more than two shakes of a lamb’s tail!”

As he said this, Jake gave Dirk another pat on the back, which forced out a bit more gas than Dirk would have liked.

“Oopsadaisies, I nearly managed to forget your overburdened state. My bad, heheh.”

The tone he used, though, made it quite clear he had not forgotten. Not in the slightest.

“Well. Make yourself comfortable, I’m ready to continue where we left off if you are.”

“Right-o!”

So Dirk hit the play button and the two quickly got back into the swing of things, Jake pausing every so often to go on rants and rambles, restating his own marvelings, and Dirk swinging right back with his own disses.

At some point while the two were talking, Jake had managed to wiggle his way beneath the blanket as well, scooting a bit closer to Dirk as he did so. Dirk would have commented on this move, but he didn’t want to risk having anything thrown back at him, any questions asked about the reason for the cover in the first place, so he instead continued his speech.

“So. We can agree that there’s an absurd contrast between the A plot and the B plot, right? Like… they’re expecting us to take a flower show as seriously as a real, honest to god murder coverup. What the fuck.”

“There’s also feminism!” Jake added.

Dirk laughed at this, and the exhalation allowed another small burp to follow. “‘Scuse me, goddamn-“

As he excused himself, Jake placed his rough hand against Dirk’s abdomen, only for Dirk to reflexively grab it.

“What are you do-oouurp- what are you doing??”

Jake put on an apologetic face, but there was a smile threatening to break out from beneath it.

“What, can a guy not give his good pal a much-needed tummy rub?” he asked, fluttering his lashes. “Your eructations are becoming interruptions, I figured I’d try to get things settled so we could enjoy the show-!”

“The only show you’re enjoying right now is taking place inside my abdomen, English,” Dirk interrupted before he could think through his own word choice. He let go of Jake’s hand, though, and allowed it to fall back atop his distended middle.

Jake fell silent for a moment, before he began softly moving his hand against Dirk’s warm flesh.

“…I’m only enjoying it because you seem so enamored by your own gluttony, my good man.”

Dirk nearly choked on his own tongue.

He wasn’t sure what to say to that. He felt his face return to the bright red he was becoming used to tonight, but kept his mouth clamped shut.

“Not that that’s a bad thing, mind you! Really, I find your games quite charming.” Jake hit pause on the television.

“But you didn’t seriously think you were hiding it, did you?”

Jake’s ocular attention was now entirely directed towards Dirk’s face, and he looked away, unable to face the guy.

“Hiding what?” he asked, strained. Dirk suddenly felt the need to take a drink, his throat absolutely parched by nerves.

Jake’s expression turned thoughtful for a moment before he began once more.

“Your arousal, I suppose. That’s how this all appears to me, anyway,” he chuckled. Then he leaned in towards Dirk’s ear, as though he were readying himself to tell a secret.

Instead of a secret, though, Dirk’s senses were flooded with the sound of one of Jake’s own gaseous outbursts.

“There’s no use in denying it, Dirk. I see the way your fists are clenched, your breaths labored. I can feel your heart beating against my hand. You are loving this, Dirk.”

He leaned back a bit and thumped on his chest once more, then followed with another low belch. As he let it out he grabbed Dirk’s hand and guided it lower, then lower still, before he took the blanket off of the both of them and was met with a rather unsightly bulge on Dirk’s end.

“Peekaboo! Would you look at that, Dirk, hardened by eructations. Be they yours or mine, you enjoy the sound regardless.” He let go of Dirk’s hand and palmed around Dirk’s crotch, humming a bit.

“Oh, look at what I’ve done to you, Dirk. You’re bloated beyond belief and still have the capacities to get hard. You only have so much energy, and right now it all seems centered in one area.”

Dirk grunted at the touch but said nothing.

“Dirk, were you ever going to tell me how you felt about all this? Or did you enjoy the thrill of voyeurism too much? Has this all been a part of some sick ritual I’ve been forced to help indulge?”

“…When did you figure me out.”

That was all Dirk could really muster at this point. He’d been stripped down to his barest desires, exposed for the pervert he was, and it was driving him wild.

“Ohh, hmm, what a toughie… let’s see here.” Jake made a big display out of counting his fingers, and Dirk’s brow only furrowed further as he did so. Eventually Jake looked back up and grinned at Dirk.

“Well, I guess I’ve had an inkling for quite some time by now. I can’t quite pinpoint when I became certain, but the evidence just kept piling up until it became hard to say that you WEREN’T getting off to this, haha!”

Dirk groaned.

“Fuck, Jake, I’m. I should have told you. I guess it is pretty fucked up of me to get all hot and bothered, work towards my own pleasure, and not clue you into that fact. I just- you’re- you kept making it so easy, so hot, and-“

Jake cut Dirk off with a peck on the lips.

“Oh, hush, you,” he giggled, “I find the whole thing rather endearing.”

Dirk finally met Jake’s eyes. “Real- really, now..? You aren’t just saying that, rrrooUuurph… ngh, fuuuck.”

As he spoke, Jake hit a rather tight spot in Dirk’s gut and forced out another small belch.

“If I minded so, I wouldn’t be so eager to indulge you, now would I? I wouldn’t be making such meals, caressing your bloatation, allowing your crass noises to continue, now would I?”

Dirk sighed shakily.

“I- I guess not, no. Probably not.”

Jake grinned and began unzipping Dirk’s jeans.

“So why don’t we do something about this?”

[brainrotdotorg]

fuck: and its like, fuck him, right, like what kind of a dick is always breathing down his kid's fuckin' neck, like

piss: uh huh

fuck: always like ooohhhh how was your day, do you wanna hear about what i did, hey i made you lunch? like fuck off im a fuckin SKULL now, man. well i mean trying to be.

piss: yeah man that sounds like it sucks

fuck: yeah! like do you think SKULLs get their lunches packed by their daddies?

piss: i mean probably not

fuck: anyway whatever i dont want to talk about his stupid ass anymore. howre things back at your place

piss: pretty good! speaking of food the local bakery tossed, like, a shitload of bread before it went bad so the dumpster was like. full. it was awesome me and the guys at the squat house have meals taken care of for a few days now.

fuck: oh. thats cool. im glad <- feels like dogshit now

#pissfaggot #fuck the world #thinking about these two coming from entirely different worlds........

[rottingsparrow]

Part 4! Of rereading Lore Olympus. Ep 31-40

Gotta be real I keep forgetting to post these even tho I'm reading them but it's fine. Obviously I won't finish before the end of the 2 week break (this Saturday) but after this I may start reviewing episodes as they come out, who knows. Last part:

Ep 31

Theres so many other reasons you shouldnt work together but ok

Also shes literally so smart right like thats canon

Artemis is cool hera,,,sometimes

Which two sons i wish i knew the lo family tree as opposed to the real one yknow

How do heras powers work she felt her pain but doesnt know who??

I would kill for a comprehensive list of family tree and powers, dont even have to spoil powers just please i get so confused

Ep 32

Train ur fuckin dogs hades i think ive said that before

He changed skin color again but like not just light vs dark thats a whole diff shade of blue

Hehe threaten low class workers so cute and quirky hades

Why is uh psyche/whatever her nymph name is wearing more traditional clothes while not in the mortal realm

Love the dog

Hades has a point, even tho it makes no sense for him to have said that

Ok also point out in the like future episode he wants persephone to call him Aidoneus but doesnt like when others do it why

Thats my same thing with him calling her Kore like i know in the future its like explained or whatever but idk

Aphrodite has a point it was a favor in a way

A dumb way but yknow

I remember everyone losing it over the “im only interested in the dead ones” panel but looking at it its so lame LMAO changed his entire face shape for a panel

Ep 33

HECATE HECATE WOOOO

Im but a simple man

Hades texts like an old man i know he is one but

Also i am dying to know how his business works including as the god of the underworld like. Give me something

Then again, maybe i am a lil dumb when it comes to this

I always thought he was giving the little elevator friend a sugarcube lmao

I like how minthes ears react to her emotions

Stop fighting at work omg this would be the worst place to work at

“Hey can u do ur job”

Ep 34

Why this subplot ugh

The crown floats yet is sideways after she hits him

Also haha hitting

Also their relationship does confuse me just a tad bit yknow

All the clues were there hades you dumbass

“Cancel all my meetings” DO YOUR JOB

“This doesnt affect you in the same way” cause hes a man or a king or both but also kings seemed to get treated the same by their subjects until they are dicks and excute their power

From what ive seen

Then again we havent seen poseidon do that but that brings me to the point of I wanna see poseidon realm

thats . so creepy hades ew

“Smth must be done about this” like fair legal action right?....right?

Who reads newspapers these days anyways wait a second

Ep 35

See the laptop having news makes more sense like sure we make newspapers but ppl dont use em as often

“Biochemistry Theory” fun fact I switched majors to specifically avoid taking chemistry

What are they typing he just started speaking

What type of nymph is thetis bc i know minthe is a river nymph but thetis has fancy ears

They are so mean to each other lmao

The financial situation and the fact that they both are like sleeping with the kings confuse me why do both of them do it.

Like retrospectively i understand it but when i first read it i was like “are nymphs supposed to be like hookers??” so i was lost for a bit

“Hades micromanages computer usage” oh what a shit boss

Also the meal ticket she has a job sure hades gave it to her but

Idk maybe im slow

What an awful way to do a heart shape i just tried it wtf

“Crying is for wives” damn

Yes body issues that dont get brought up again right? Like she all of a sudden gets bigger boobs and i dont think hades pays ppl enough for cosmetic surgery

You guys know this is a work setting

Has rachel ever had a job bc this feels like a comical trope seen on tv the workplace drama yknow

LMAO IN THE LAST PANEL RACHEL FORGOT TO GIVE HER NYMPH EARS

Like fully normal ears i know its a mistake but its funny

Ep 36

“Not my circus not my monkeys” queen

Hades is it not your circus how dont involve hecate in this

“Stop starin at me with them big ol eyes”

Oof that does not look good on you, i mean why didnt you give her the coat

“I thought you didnt get jealous” ok she may have said that but literally everything about her contradicts that

And i love this part bc he doesnt call her crazy and they talk, i mean he hides some of the truth which like fuck him, and then they try to talk about the party and

Ugh i know minthe is supposed to be an antagonist but rachel does this weird thing where she tries to flesh her out, then realizes it would be an easy set up for a redemption arc and screws her over again

I know the ppl in the mortal realm are generally frightened of hades but why are ppl in olympus

“I wouldnt expect anything less from a goddess” so we are going to bring in the racism/speciesism that occurs in this story right

Its the middle of the day isnt he supposed to be in the mortal realm moving the sun or some shit

Ep 37

“Last night” Rachel its ok to space things out sweetie

Ok ok so one thing i hate about her characterization of apollo is he goes from being delusional to knowing what he did was at least slightly wrong and i hate both are fine stories but pick one he either is so infatuated with persephone that he thinks that they had a great time or he wants her for her power

And! A transition from one to the other would be fine, but she goes back in forth in his characterization

Little red vines look cool

Hehe cerberus

How did he escape tho

I love that dog

Ep 38

Oh its the greenhouse again

But this time it represents the evil feeling?

Idk but i like eye symbolism im lame lol

Why was she sleeping in the chair

When did she get those clothes i dunno if eros would buy her business casual

Artemis really sees all the signs and then goes “meh”

Like points out the possible crush on persephone just connect the dots they are so close

Why is there not more than one door

Why is no one getting off

How does rachel think train stops work

Ep 39

Also not thatanos with an undercut lmao

Ope its thanatos i mixed it up

Also minthe you just actively arent doing a good job like lmao how are you not getting fired

Hades smoking a cigar is so old and gross tbh

What an awful boss

That man has a point dont stand infront of the door

She gave her a little flower nice

Minthe i know ur being spiteful, weird bc hades explained shes just the daughter of a friend( i know its a lie but still) but just do your job

“It says restricted access but that lady says it was fine” i would just wait until someone came out theres no reason to go inside

Ep 40

Why would they not have a lock on this place actually

Why wouldnt she just leave the way she came

When did hades put on his glasses

How is it hades fault what

So many questions yknow for such a short episode

Also does this place not have security cameras in places that are tartarus

#anti lore olympus #lore olympus #my opinion #random thoughts #lore olympus critical #lo critical

[twentythousandvolts]

i think you sound like a hey. yeah? you ever wonder why we're here? its one of lifes great mysteries, isnt it.. why are we here? i mean, are we the product of some cosmic coincidence or is there really a god watching everything? yknow, with a plan for us and stuff? i dont know man but it keeps me up at night. what? i meant why are we out here, in this canyon? oh.. uh.. yeah. what was all that stuff about god? nothing! you wanna talk about it? no! you sure? yeah. seriously though, why are we out here? as far as i can tell its just a box canyon in the middle of nowhere.. no way in or out, (mhm) the only reason that we set up a red base here is because they have a blue base over there and the only reason they have a blue base over there is because we have a red base here. yeah, that's because we're fighting each other. no no, but i mean, even if we were to pull out today and they were to come take our base, they would have two bases in the middle of a box canyon, whoopdee fuckin doo! whats up with that anyway? i mean, i signed on to fight some aliens, next thing i know master chief blows up the whole covenant armada and im stuck in the middle of nowhere fighting a bunch of blue guys.. / what are they doing? what? i said what are they doing now? god damn i am getting so sick of answering that question!! you have the fucking rifle, i cant see shit.. dont bitch at me because im not going to just sit up here and play with my dick al-ok, ok, look. they're just standing there and talking, okay? that's all theyre doing. that's all they EVER do, is just stand there and talk. thats what they were doing last week, thats what they were doing when you asked me five minutes ago.. so five minutes from NOW, when you ask me, 'what are they doin?' my answer's gonna be: THEYRE STILL JUST TALKIN, AND THEYRE STILL JUST STANDIN' THERE!!! ... what are they talkin about? Yknow what. i fuckin hate you. tbh

I DO NOT SOUDN LIKE GRIF OR SIMMONS OR TUCKER!!!!!!!!!!!!!!