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exoticalmonde · 10 months

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Evealia x Mink (Dramatical Murder VN)

I don't know how cringe self-inserting yourself into games is at the moment but I am a reader AND a writer, so here is my DMMD self-insert (lacking art because my PC has been exploded for 3 months now and fate just doesn't want me to do my work).

With a small part of my self-ship fic that I have been unable to finish on time for my birthday. As a treat.

I'm making mine under the pretext that Aoba has decided to be with Ren as the true ending. That actually leaves me with other people I could have experienced Over Tower with (or had an entirely different situation) and that other people is just Mink.

I'll refer to this OC in 3rd person with the name Eve, because it feels weird to say 'my' although it is 'my' in the sense of

At this point her AllMate is recycled Maine Coon, the size of a big dog (around 70cm of body height) but de-clawed. The previous models were meant as guard animals in a very popular fashion shop/show thing but many of them became susceptible to viruses and those viruses ultimately destroyed the feline population of these AllMates made them aggressive. Declawing was the first attempt to keep them despite the faults but since they would also have to alter their teeth/jaw, it was just easier (as they were a limited number) to get rid of them and get new ones.

The way Eve managed to fix her AllMate was exchange parts from a scrapped dog AllMate, which is why he often shows puppy characteristics. Like randomly barking between meows.

Oh, where did she get the parts? She works at a repair shop as a clerk and knows this or that. She originally came from a different country, so getting instantly into robotics was her way to 'fit in' when in reality she sticks out aesthetically like a sore thumb in that world.

AllMate’s name is Noon because its serial code is N00N265 and they are not really fit for Rhyme battles, so that’s how she manages to avoid all the battles. They are ginger, of course, so the cat itself is a little bit insane, and despite the name being more feminine the cat has a deep masculine voice box.

Haha, Noon and Eve, get i- *Gets shot*

She lived in one of those apartments on the 14th floor on the main road and her room used to never have any light in it no matter the time of day. It made her really unhappy because she loves plants that bloom, but those don't last long in the shadows. After getting with Mink she's crazy for making the back of the house into a garden and once in a while he ends up minding something like... a pot of mint in his room because she needs it to be somewhere cozy until the leaves take root.

When she meets Mink the first reaction is to run, the second one is to be pathetic on the floor and because she’s a woman he hesitates for 0.00003 seconds, just long enough for her to kick him in the shin and run literally 4 meters before he catches up and the entire scenario of what happened there happens, we all know Mink's route.

Actually when it comes to other characters she’s not at all battle-ready and would rather run than fight, be it because she has never had to learn how to fight or because that primitive part of her brain clicks faster than 'I should defend myself'. So she'd probably be a good punching bag if she wasn't so pathetic and big doe-eyed teary-eyed.

Mink will pick up the name Eva eventually if it reminds him of his own gods (Eva is a goddess mother that brings life and destiny/death along with it, or a goddess of water and the earth) so he thinks that it’s okay if she carries that name as long as she honors the goddess. And Eve of course does so Mink doesn’t slap the spirit out of her in return.

Noon and Lulacan constantly fight.

Anyways, when he disappears for a while she is MAD, probably because she pops off at some point and says that he doesn’t deserve to die and should keep living so the memory of his people would remain and somehow through gaslighting and mental gymnastics and he recognizes the goddess’ name he decides to survive.

After they get together she is totally the type to think she’d get abandoned again and sleeps on the couch until she almost freezes over and dies from abandoned puppy syndrome although Noon is always with her and he’s a purring heat blanket draped over her at all times.

In their relationship while Mink is the brooding and 'actions speak louder than words' kind of quiet guy she is the FMA radio in the background, always talking to the cat, to Mink or to herself without really caring if he is listening and without trying to be interesting, just spilling all the information ever and if he doesn’t like it he can always move away into another room and she would never be mad.

He doesn't, but sometimes he has his ways to shut her up if he needs peace.

When Eve does want attention though she would sit in his feet like a dog, leaning against his knee and would do her thing until he gives up and asks what she wants. It’s usually to go on walkies or to be taught stuff or for him to talk nonsense to her instead.

She doesn't pick up on his job but she's a magpie and begins making the beads he uses instead. He doesn't allow her to sell any since the production is slow, but if he likes anything in particular he picks it up. He got her the tools to begin.

Also totally the person to think Mink would leave again and sit outside in the cold all by her stupid self, the only reason she survived abandoned puppy syndrome is because Noon laid on top of her and kept her warm on the couch.

Otherwise she's not jealous, even worryingly unmoved if other people say something in mild interest about her husband. Truth is, she gaslights herself into believing that it's stupid to think Mink would go back on his words. Does it in front of the bathroom mirror every evening.

She also brings flowers and trinkets she got throughout their first 5 years of being together for the memorial/gravesite and left them there without telling mink whenever something reminded her about a specific person Mink opened up about at some point.

Silly details people usually insert in their OCs information:

Date of Birth: August 5th

Age: 23 years old

Zodiac sign: Sun - Leo; Moon - Scorpio; Rising - Leo

Fav Food: Anything that has chicken and cream in it

Detested Food: Zucchini, Eggplant, Pumpkin, Melon, Animal innards (except liver)

Fav Animal: Jaguar/ Bird of Paradise

Fav Gem: Fire Opal

Fav Colours: Royal Red/Purple/Green

Character Base Colour: Blood Orange

Morning/Night person: Morning person

Also tea person, cat person, spirit animal is either fox or deer and I can't think of anything else, I am sqeezed dry.

#dramatical murder #mink dmmd #oc #dmmd oc #self ship

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hychlorions · 3 years

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I'm just so happy to see someone that loves Klavier Gavin as much as I do tbh. He's my poor little meow meow. The most comedic character in game. The most tragic. I can read him at face value as "haha drama queen flirt rockstar dude" but also write a 5 page MLA format essay on his body language in his sprites.

He's calculative and intelligent but at the same time also does teen magazine quizzes to see which Jonas Brother he is. One of the most noble and respected prosecutors who knows first hand how he can be seen as yet another corrupt member of the law because he knows the role that he has played in Phoenix's downfall. But at the same time he's scribbling 'Klavier Justice xoxo' in glitter pen on his legal paperwork.

He's just a dude but he's also a good candidate for reading too much into and self projection and I'm holding his hand but at the same time there's a knife behind my back.

i honestly... have no idea why you sent this to me specifically but i'll take it. he's the best of the best. the worst of the worst. i've never seen a more normal guy in my life. he needs so much therapy it's insane. I'm going to hold him and cuddle him and make sure he's okay till the end of time but also if I ever meet him I would punch him in the face. I will keep him in a locket and keep him safe I would study him like an unethical 1900s scientist. I am his greatest protector and his worst nightmare all in one. He's my clay and my marble he's my magnum opus

He just has so much potential and I hate the fact that there was apparently a tragic backstory for him and his stupid idiot man brother and yet it was scrapped. for what? DD? SoJ? Games i repeatedly refuse to acknowledge and/or play if only for the embarrassing lack of klavier in it? But then I'm glad. I'm glad there's no set backstory. Whatever capcom can come up with now post-retconning would be pathetic and cruel in the sense that it would never compare to what I've given him. I have built him a castle. I have handed him peace. I have placed the entire world in the fold of his gentle waiting hands. It's everything I have and yet it isn't enough and it will never be. He deserves so much more than the cards he's been dealt

#aka what the fuck did i just type #ohgod don't look at me i look insane i swear i'm normal #i swear i'm normal about this fictional man i swear i swear #ask #anonymous

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bisaster-energy · 2 years

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merlin and/or mcu for the blorbification list <3

Hi nemy !!! I'm gonna do Merlin and then later I'll probably post a whole separate one for MCU (god that'll be a long post)

Blorbo: oh Merlin my Merlin :) from boy to man shouldering the responsibility of all of Albion without so much as a thank you I kiss him goodnight in my head. Everyone who's anyone loves at least a little bit (even if they hate him) it's just how it works!! A god amongst men living like a servant. Insane. Magical entities speak directly to his brain and he just has to pretend to be Some Guy visiting nobles feel like their world has turned upside down when they see him tell a joke that makes the king guffaw. The other servants swoon when they see him. He looks out of his window in the dark of night looking to the stars like they'll answer "why" or "how" or even "what for". I could talk about him until it kills me

Scrunkly: Gwen!! She's everything to me ooohh my god. She's so lovely and also will stab you. She's awkward as hell and is constantly putting her foot in her mouth but it's so endearing. She steals the hearts of so many! The king of Camelot could be out for blood she'd be like "Arthur" and he'd be like "yes darling :)" like she has him and everybody else absolutely whipped. Do not let her and Merlin gang up on you they'd be unstoppable 😩 she's the queen of Camelot and she's perfect in the sense that she's not

Scrimblo bimblo: elyan without a doubt. No one wears a hoodie like him 🥰 he's small he's ace and he's here to fuck shit up. his sister is the queen loser watch your kneecaps cos if he catches u talking shit it's over. Percival carries him around sometimes :) he verbally destroys the knights (specifically gwaine) at any point in time just for kicks! He's also very soft and kind (don't get me started on the ghost of the druid boy I'll cry) anyway wdym he's dead he's right here putting the racist who challenged him in a duel to shame

Glup shitto: GWAINE the absolute madlad!! He probably doesn't count as obscure but he should've been in the show more!! Every time he's on screen I'm like "THERE HE IS!! THE BOY! what atrocities will he commit :)" from the first time we met him we were as enamored with him as Merlin was. Mans was in the middle of a bar fight and stopped to flirt with the Twink with the cheekbones and honestly that's on code. He's noble and hates it but he'd go riding into hell for the prattiest one of all because Merlin is the love of his life and he'd want him to. Merlin his first friend who'd never tire of him never ask him to change loves him just the way he is. Merlin braids his hair Merlin berates him while tending to his wounds Merlin is everything to him. But he also found friends in circles he doubted he ever would before coming to Camelot. Him shooting the shit with knights who woulda thought. He calls the crown prince Princess and I love him I love him

Poor little meow meow: somehow Arthur goes right here. Idk why but he gets a lot of hate but I love him he doesn't deserve it 🥺 he treats Merlin like shit even after he's had character development that should've CHANGED THAT so I DO metaphorically pinch his arm on occasion. Maybe if we had a spritz bottle for when he's being nasty :) anyways he's pathetic he always listens to his father but it's never enough he fell in love with two servants who are too good for him and his self worth is based entirely on other people. He's a bisexual dumbass who's closest knights are all really hot guys. hm. He's done a lot of bad things but he's also so so good the future if his kingdom rests with him and in his eyes it's his burden alone to bear and I think a blanket and some hot chocolate would do him good!!

Horse plinko: Leon my beloved <3 aptly named the long suffering because the pain never stops!! From "poetry lessons" to straight up not being able to die this man has had it rough and I'm only gonna make it worse. I love him but I love him more while he's contemplating yeeting himself onto a sword. the knights (AND THE KING) fall asleep during his speeches. He's the actual mom of the group and don't let Lancelot fool you into thinking he's some how more nature than the rest of these assholes (to be fair Leon has his moments of mischief as well 😌)

Eeby deeby:

I hate him your honor.

Tysm for the ask nemy!!!!

#morgana is ALSO my poor little meow meow!! she would've fought uther in hand to hand combat if she could.#she despaired at people she didn't know were hers being burned and was locked in a tower for caring #she was so kind and also fierce as all hell. definitely brushed Gwen's hair before. wore flower crowns and beat Arthur's ass at swords #sometimes at the same time!!#but her heart was eaten away by bitterness and hatred a man she'd never call father at the center of it #i mourn her and who she used to be as well. whether kind and cheeky or hateful she was morgana and i love her #Lancelot is another Scrunkly because i will coddle him til the end of the earth #he has so much love and he's so unfailingly good it makes me ache #he loved merlin and then gwen and arthur as well and he gained a family in camelot and #the self sacrificing bastard died for them #he cosplays as a responsible figure but he's just as much of a little shit as any of the other knights #Merlin's first friend that knew everything about him and he could talk to him about anything #arthur did wanna fuck him and he might've at some point #agravaine is also being sent to the eeby deeby he's a fucking creep #nemy is one of the blorbos from my dash :)

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evilblot · 2 years

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Ey fam, how about Silent Hill for the ask meme if you're still doing it?

Oh damn you really wanna bring the big guns to the playground uh? Let's goooooooo 🔥🔥

*Only one disclaimer though: I am not familiar with the SH community, so if I pick a character who according to the fandom doesn't fall into the category I decided to put them into... Sorry but I literally don't care, I do what I want jdbhd

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most)

In my restless dreams, I see that man. James Sunderland. I promised I'd stop thinking about him someday... But I never did. Well, he became my poor little meow meow now... We hang out in our 'special place'... We're waiting for you...

I also think about Valtiel and Pyramid Head. An awful lot if I might but not for the reasons y'all might think of. I love them twitchy bastards so much, I wish they would take me by the hand and show me the secret to be so fucking amazing and with a flawless lore and a character design so on spot people still talk about it to this day <3c

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped)

The One Truth! Nobody talks about him and it makes me sad... I mean look at him? He's so cool, his symbolism is slaying the absolute penis and ngl I'd kill to get a hug from him. I want him to pick me up and hold me gentle like the hamburger pwease <3c

Oh! Also Raw Shocks (Abstract version), they look like wet kittens in a cardboard box, so ofc I want to take them all home with me jddhd

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave)

Heather, or rather Cheryl Mason. I honestly don't know nor care about her being underrated or not but I really love her and how's her character is handled. She gets a lot of shit for being "annoying" but she's a angry confused teenager dropped in an unforgiving cruel world so cut her some slack please?

Also shout out to my girl Lisa Garland, I'm gonna pick you up at 7 and take you somewhere nice, you deserve a break and a proper meal bestie.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week)

Douglas Cartland! He's a sad old man who lost the light in his eyes and who can be seen walking around in boxers with the help of a cheat code.... What's not to love here? <3c

Very worthy of mention is also Fukuro Lady. I still have so many questions about her... Who is she? What's her story? Is she single? 👀 You get the idea jdbdb

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave)

James Sunderland voted once again as wettest most pathetic littlest meow meow of them all but I'd still make out with him if left unsupervised, more at 8.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason)

Vincent. I'm gonna act stupid on purpose while challenging his religious theories, cackling like a mad man as he slowly goes insane trying to keep up with me.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell)

You know, I was about to say Claudia but fuck that, the only one who deserves to be yeeted to eeby deeby is Eddie and that's on that, no i don't accept criticism, only cash.

And we're done, sorry for the delay but this has been a real challenge ngl... Anyway, tènkius so much for the ask and sorry (<- not sorry) I desecrated this astounding piece of gaming history too with my poor life choices jdhfhdh

#i haven't dipped into the franchise since my graduation #so it's nice to go back to the good stuff <3c #still i think I missed someone... hmm.. who though..?#anyway #silent hill #get to know the corpse #l-space-explorer

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katierosefun · 2 years

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For the fandom ask game:

Mike Flanagan (is there such a thing as a Mike Flanagan fandom)

thank you for the ask!

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most): oh, probably olivia crain. i just love her so much. an insane amount. i can't talk about her without accidentally baring my soul though, so i'll just leave it there.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped): oh, owen sharma for sure! i love him so much. he's so. god. i want to kiss him on the cheek. he's so cute but also very sexc because he's a proper gentleman, that one.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave): shirley crain! she's not confident and suave like theo or sensitive and soft like nell, but she's also the oldest sister and she's very tired and she's trying her best and she can be vulnerable but also cold and she has a sense of what's right and what's wrong, even if she strays sometimes. i love her quite a lot, and i think she deserves more attention!

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week): probably any one of the ghosts in bly manor or hill house. but probably that little kid who flora puts the mask on in bly manor. something about that scene just made me really sad.

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave): probably rebecca jessel. yes, she was an absolute disaster towards the end, but she was so heartbreakingly brave and she fell in love with the wrong person, and i can't blame her for that. i love her. i think she deserves the world.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason): steven crain. like . . . i still don't really like him. in some ways, i understand him--i think all oldest siblings kind of understand where he's coming from, because that desperate need to rationalize is buried very deep within him, but it also makes him an asshole with a superiority complex. so i think i would just like to have some fun with him.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell): bev. :))))))))))) every time that woman opened her mouth i saw red :)))

send me a fandom!

#answered #oh this was fun i love all of the characters in the mike flanagan universe

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crancisfrozier · 2 years

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I mean… gotta be daredevil for the fandom ask game right? 😆

Okay yea that’s totally fair lmao

Before I begin my list here, I’m going to say outright that there will be duplicates because I love some of these characters in many different ways…

Blorbo (fav character, character I think about the most): OF COURSE it’s Matt Murdock. I am literally thinking about Matt Murdock every second of every day. Sometimes I’m not even thinking cohesive thoughts about him, I’m just slowly rotating him in my head like a rotisserie chicken. He is beautiful and selfless and brave and kind and he deserves the world 🥺❤️🥺❤️

Scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped): this is also going to be Matt cause, yes, he regularly beats people to a bloody pulp and sometimes, you know, tortures people, but when he’s NOT doing that he is So Shaped. When he smiles or jokes around with Foggy and Karen it is literally aggressively cute and lowkey life ruining I want to grab his adorable face and plant a soft kiss on his forehead like Tom does Greg in that Succession scene.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/under appreciated fav): Foggy Nelson. FOGGY NELSON. I truly think he is so under appreciated for everything he is and does and puts up with. Like he is truly such a kind and genuinely good person it’s disarming. The way he loves his friends and the people of Hell’s Kitchen that he tries to help. Foggy also deserves the world 🥺❤️

glup shitto: (obscure fav, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week): Claire!! I ADORED her in season 1 and was so sad when she left to go be in the other marvel tv shows. Like I get why it had to happen but adfkdhdks I loved her SO MUCH like she was so brave and didn’t take shit from ANYONE and she was always there to patch up Matt. I mean, how many people would fish a broken vigilante out of their dumpster to help nurse them back to health? Especially after it’s clear being around said vigilante is typically bad news? Coincidentally I also loved her and Matt as a Thing, much more than Matt/Karen and Matt/Elektra

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fav): okay this may sound weird but….Wesley. And I KNOW he was only in like half of season 1 and he doesn’t seem all that pathetic but he is most definitely problematic and a large reason why I love him is thanks to a very very large Matt x Reader fanfic that has the reader interacting with him a lot and honestly made me love him even more than when I watched him in the actual show. RIP Wesley you made great gift baskets 😭

horse plinko: (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason): Stick. FUCK Stick. Put him in that eternal portal version of horse plinko so he can never escape. Who the fuck treats a child like that. A child who literally lost everything and is just trying to reach out for connection. Jesus Christ. I’m just gonna say right now he’s also my answer for eeby deeby Super Hell. (You’d think the answer would be Wilson Fisk for either of these but I actually love Wilson Fisk as a villain and interesting character too much to send him to either of those. The Raft is fine he can just stay there.)

Thank you so much for the ask, friend! (And for listening to me ramble more about Daredevil, thanks for tolerating my insanity bestie)

#pegplunkett #sorry I lied there is only one double on this list #and of course it’s Matt lmao

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beaft · 2 years

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Dirk Gently's Holistic Detective Agency for the blorbo ask! if you're still into it oop- 🙈

it's been a hot minute since i rewatched it, but that show will always have a special place in my heart! it was my comfort show for a good long while (and i still do treasure my dirk gently tote bag that a good friend bought me a while back). so without further ado:

blorbo (favorite character, character I think about the most): dirk. the man himself. need i say more.

scrunkly (my “baby”, character that gives me cuteness aggression, character that is So Shaped): dirk, again. (sorry!) i nearly put amanda for this one, because i adore her and she is absolutely my baby, but i feel like anyone who tried to call her "cute" would get a fist to the face in pretty short order.

scrimblo bimblo (underrated/underappreciated fave): tina, i think. she was so good and i wish we'd gotten more of her. i especially wish we'd gotten more of her interacting with farah, specifically, because they would have made an insanely cute couple and i'm mad that it didn't happen.

glup shitto (obscure fave, character that can appear in the background for 0.2 seconds and I won’t shut up about it for a week): i can't think of anyone this really applies to, sorry!

poor little meow meow (“problematic”/unpopular/controversial/otherwise pathetic fave): don't know about "unpopular", but bart curlish does not get nearly as much love as she deserves. my love for scraggly, pathetic men is rivalled only by my love for scraggly, pathetic women (SPWs), and if the former gets more airtime than the latter, it's only because there's a tragic lack of SPWs in the world. give me an unhinged girl with zero sexual appeal who's covered in blood and general filth and i will Adopt Her On The Spot.

horse plinko (character I would torment for fun, for whatever reason): i mean... i feel kind of bad for saying this, but again, it would probably be dirk. honestly, he should take it as a compliment. i only torment the characters i like - it's a way of showing affection.

eeby deeby (character I would send to superhell): suzie, naturally. i mean, she's a very well-drawn character in the sense that i absolutely despised her and was very satisfied at the hand that fate dealt her.

thank you!!

#dirk gently's holistic detective agency #i haven't mentioned todd at all in this and it's not because i don't love him #he just doesn't fit in any of the categories #ditto farah #sorry guys! i still love you both

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neighborhood-merc · 4 years

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Guys !!! I am back! First of all, I hope all of y’all (your friends, family, pets! too) are doing alright. Keep safe! Wash your hands! Don’t go out if not necessary! Kisses! Kisses! Kisses! Alright, alright, let’s do this shall we? Same shit applies. [Here is Part 1 & 2 btw ]

The themes of the stories on this list varies, I’m either into something heart-warming, fluffy, domestic that sort of stuff or into some really really heavy and dark messed up ones. (READ THE TAGS) It always depends on the mood am I right? *wink wink*

It’s always gonna be smutty though lol

As long as it’s tastefully written, whatever kinky shit, I can be into it, I don’t judge the writer (they give us free content y’all, who are we to judge??) With that being said if I add something straight up messed up here now/or in the future, don’t come for meh, just mind the tags of the fic, for your own discretion if anything.

this list should be Wade Wilson/Peter Parker - Spiderman/Deadpool pairing only. I kinda like my babies greedy/possessive for/of each other.

READ THE TAGS.

I don’t care who tops or bottoms. ¯\_(ツ)_/¯

Summaries are taken directly from the fanfic’s summary.

Read the tags first!

Deluge (this is such a good boi, this fic is a good boy!) Weapon X chose Wade Wilson because of several factors in his life. He was a preternatural. He had extraordinary abilities that could be expanded upon. The cancer just made him desperate enough to agree to whatever they wanted to do with him.They didn't just turn him immortal. They destroyed his very soul, tearing him apart and shaping him into something new and never seen before. They took everything he had been and left him with ashes and bones. Soulless.He killed his creators and went on with his life.Then he met Spider-Man.Things started to change.Something inside him, something that had come out of the ashes and was a nightmarish, terrible thing, sat up and took notice. An intense, single-minded notice.

The Perks of Working Third Shift An AU in which Wade is wandering the globe and ends up in NYC where he meets the absolute most perfect man he's ever seen who's working third shift at a quick mart. Even better, the man seems happy to flirt back. Wade makes it his mission to score a date.Peter stopped dating a long time ago, but Wade's flirtations, energetic attitude, and hilarious comments make it hard for Peter not to enjoy the attention. But will all of that be ruined if Wade finds out his secret?

Better Like This (Listen, NotEvenCloseToStraight’s Spideypool works are amazing, read all of em, honestly just check out ALL the works of the writers on my list because if I list everything, this is gonna be a long ass list) No one knows Spider-Man is an Omega. Not the newspapers, not the NYPD, and certainly not the overly loud, definitely obnoxious, sort-of-a-good-guy, completely Alpha, Deadpool. And Peter would like it to stay that way. But when he drops into an unexpected heat, Deadpool is the only person he can call to help, and how quickly the Alpha switches from shouting dirty innuendos to whispering comforting things really throws Peter for a loop. After sharing a heat, Peter is convinced that Wade is his Alpha, and is ready to take him as his mate, but Wade rejects him. Wade knows that a man like him wouldn’t make anyone a good mate, much less a perfect, pretty Omega like Peter. So he says no, pushes the Omega away and unable to even work together anymore, they go their separate ways. Peter is devastated, heartbroken, seeking comfort in the arms of another Alpha, and all Wade can do is watch from a distance, and keep telling himself that he is doing the right thing, sparing Peter a life of disappointment and pain. Peter deserves better than him as a Mate, and one day Peter will understand. It’s Better This Way. But is it really?(Peter is Andrew Garfield)

Use Me Peter wants to help Wade. Wants to make him feel beautiful, wants to make him feel wanted... Wants to put out the fire in his own gut whenever he sees the merc for what he really is. He does.

Double Mint Gum Wade decides that only one of his fine-ass self just isn't enough

Spider Spidey (SPIDERY SPIDEY!)

Bleed the Water Red Peter and Deadpool are held captive by a super-villain that has an inclination for torture. After she boasts her untarnished record at never having hurt a child or teenager, Peter is forced to break the truth to both her and Deadpool.“Did you know I have a perfect record?” The villain collects a rusted pocket knife, tracing it up Peter’s arm, over his shoulders, down to his collarbone, as though considering where to cut. Peter focuses on controlling his breathing, fear twisting awfully in his belly. “You may look down on me, Mr. Spider-Man, but for all the righteous suffering I inflict, I’ve never hurt a child. Not once.”“Y'know, I don’t think you do,” Peter blurts. At his words, Deadpool's stare intensifies. “Have a perfect, non-child harming record, that is.”

Don’t Keep Me Waiting Peter's 90% sure Wade likes him. Or at least he was sure. When you almost jerk off in front of the friend you're definitely not pathetically pining for and they never mention it again, it makes you doubt yourself. Peter knows he should probably just ask what the fuck is going on, but where's the angsty fun in that?

Sometimes When We Touch Peter answers a Craigslist ad for someone who is willing to pay for some unspecified physical contact/sex because he's just that broke. He's surprised to find out Wade Wilson is the one who posted the ad, but thinks he can still manage just fine even when the man explains he'd like him to wear a special costume for the occasion. Of course things become a little more complicated when Wade reveals the outfit he's chosen: a shockingly accurate Spider-Man suit

Sunflower 26 and standing at the head of Parker Industries, Peter feels young in every way. He doesn't know himself, he lacks a lot of experience, and he's struggling to get a grip on what he thinks of the merc with the mouth, an absolute force who has starting pushing his desires in a direction that terrifies him.He desperately tries to come to terms with sexuality, even when it means dragging Wade flat on his face.Takes place after the dance scene in Spider-man/Deadpool, with important plot details omitted. Follows these two through extreme character growth.

Two Thirds of a Whole (I honestly felt weird about this one, but eh, maybe someone who’s into it would appreciate it) Peter Parker and Wade Wilson, finding Vanessa dead and having never met, assume the second body is their other soulmate. When they meet in a market ten years later, they both have a chance they never thought they would get again-- a chance at love.But can they find a way to be happy as two thirds of a whole?

Holding Back The thing about not being able to die is that it makes everything so dreadfully boring. Seriously, immortality's a bitch. So, you gotta keep things interesting. How else are you supposed to get through the day without going insane? Well, more insane.Wade wants to be a hero, but fighting bad guys isn't enough to keep things interesting. Wooing Spider-Man might help, though. And exploring his kinks definitely will. Of course, he never thought anything would come of either of these things. Boy, was he wrong!

Missed You (Imagine me covering me shyly covering my face for this ehehe) “Wade,” Peter whines, pulling off Wade’s mask and catching his lips in a deep kiss. All he can smell is leather and sweat and gunpowder, and he’s already embarrassingly hard. Wade comes home from a mission. Peter missed him. A lot.

Big Peter can't stop looking at and thinking about Wade's great big arms and shoulders and hands and back. He's fine. (He's not fine.)

Slip of the Tongue Sometimes Peter can forget how big Wade is, how much presence he has. Right now is not the time. His heart rabbits in his chest as he swallows, looking up. There’s always something there when Wade’s looking at him, something predatory, that makes Peter nervous and wanting, shivering hot all over.

Wade The Cat “Aw don’t be afraid little buddy, it’s okay, he’s gone”Wade almost cringes at how someone is talking to him, what the hell?! He’s not a defenseless animal. Wait. No, yeah, he is.Wade looks a little alarmed, stepping back as the man crouches next to him, smiling sympathetically “It’s okay, I won’t hurt you. You okay?”Wade holds his breath, gives an once over at the guy, beautiful chestnut eyes, the adorable smile, the red face probably resulting from the cold and the brown humid hair stuck to his forehead as he holds his umbrella for both of them and yep, ladies and gentlemen if he wasn’t before, Wade is right now a defenseless animal because “Meow” Wade says wiggling what should be eyebrows “Honey, I’d let you take care of me all night long” Wade purrs.

Gonzo Journalist (It belongs to a series “We fell in love in October) A young photographer working for The Daily Bugle hears about the tragic fate of an ex-soldier and decides to write an article about his cause to help him out. Maybe more than in one way.

The Man in the Mask When Wade is unceremoniously dropped off into the custody of one Dr. Parker, he assumes the man has only the worst possible intentions for one of the world's last remaining mutants. But it turns out, the universe still holds plenty of surprises for them both.

You Wear My Name Over Your Heart Like It’s Invisible "Why don’t you ever let me see it? If you have the name already, why can’t you tell me whose it is? I thought we were best friends."Everyone gets their Name when they turn twenty-one. It isn’t their own name either. It’s the name of their Soulmate. When Wade Wilson wakes on his twenty-first birthday, he looks down at his chest and sees Peter Benjamin Parker. He stares for a moment then shrugs, gets dressed, and doesn’t think about it for another six weeks.

Parachute, Please Peter unexpectedly goes into heat after an Avengers mission, which could have been fine, but the ride back is 2 hours and he's stuck on a plane with his closest friends and family.At least there's one person he can call at times like these for relief. And in comes Wade.

Peter Parker’s Home for the Wayward Villain A really long redemption story.

And Words Are Futile Devices Peter doesn’t think he’s lonely. He’s too busy to be lonely. He’s twenty-two, working on his PhD and holding down a shitty job at the Daily Bugle, not to mention his nightly extra-curricular activities. He’s too busy for friends, and he’s certainly too busy for romantic interests. And yet, shockingly, apparently everyone in his life thinks he needs to stop being an anti-social recluse and get laid.So Peter enters the wide, wonderful world of online dating. He doesn’t expect to find his soul mate, or even a friend, and he’s definitely not looking for hook ups. He doesn’t know what he’s looking for, really, until one Wade W. Wilson catches his eye and captures his heart with risqué dog pics and a concerning obsession with cannibalistic serial killers.This is a love story. A sweet, inevitable journey towards each other. There is humor, and melancholy, and a touch of both gravitas and levity to the weeks that trickle by. But really it’s just an account of the slow, magnetic movement of Peter towards Wade, and Wade towards Peter.

Strays Wade finds Spider-Man unconscious on a roof top. Score!Or: Spider-Man has lost his memories, some of his vocabulary, and all of his social conditioning. Wade is losing his mind.

The Inverse Deadpool doesn't have to try very hard to hide his second gender anymore because ever since Weapon X, no one in their right mind would ever believe that Wade Wilson was an omega. It doesn't matter anyway, because Wade knows no Alpha would keep a male omega. No alpha WANTS one, much less one that's as scarred and unstable as he is. Apparently, Spiderman was born to break every rule Wade has ever known.

The Body Remembers When the Mind Forgets When people need a mate in their life, it isn't usually because they've forgotten they already have one.

Half Your Age (Plus Seven) In which Deadpool has oddly specific and frustrating morals, Spider-Man has excellent friends, his lab partner has an opening for a bassist, Johnny Storm has the warmest feet, and everyone has had enough of hearing Peter talk about Wade Wilson (except Aunt May: she’s always glad to hear he’s back in town).

#fanfic #fanfiction rec #fanfic req #fanfiction #spideypool fanfic rec #spideypool #Peter Parker/Wade Wilson #spiderman/deadpool #Peter Benjamin Parker #peter parker #spiderman #spider-man #spider man #wade wilson #deadpool #fic rec list #fanficrec

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huadie · 4 years

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anchor liveblog post.

the curse of prophecy: all of my high tier kins channel tmg.

" somebody’s gonna get hurt / i hope it’s not me / but i suspect it’s going to have to be.

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episodes 1-3: the general doesn't deserve the sympathy he gets. i'm not excusing a woman who killed happy girls on their wedding days, but i do think he owed her that closure. sending his son just pits the burden onto someone who wasn't involved. he should look his failures and mistakes in the eyes. if you can't count on a god to do that, who can you expect it of? it's disgusting. / i feel so tired and sorry for the girl who died saving a man who hated her and hurt her friend. i don't think kind people should be on the hook for ignorance and spite so willingly. her life for his was an unfair trade. / He's Cute. and wildly unexpectedly gentle considering the whole "demon" thing. / b tells me i'll have kin ptsd about the face disorder, but right now it's just heartbreaking. nobody deserves to live with that kind of fear. nobody deserves to live with that kind of pain. / b also implies someone in heaven is doing it to them for fun and i just want to say right now that i'm going to pull his dick off thru his mouth. that's a tier of evil that should have your blood start boiling inside you in an attempt to disinfect it. that was a child. that was just a scared little boy. not a prop or a toy or a plot device. a child. / i like the baby generals. they are so nineteen but it's nice to see it. i know anime leans on comedy skits a lot, but they can carry it off. they're charming. / heaven looks a bit shit. all of that meditation and betterment and it just makes you a spineless politician with the power to airbend? christ on a bike.

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episode 4-5: initial reactions. watching him swing between fuck-me eyes and genuine emotional distress at no signal i can see is a lot. he's a good painter. i think i get the gist of where he's coming from but it feels insane to me. the twitch duels were cute. he clearly cares a lot more than he enjoys devilry so it's insane to me that he's that strong. general jr destroys me. imagine being so pompous and negligent you'd give your child your name. has he ever been allowed to be his own person? meow meow etc. the face disease is horrific. he was just a kid. he was so scared and in pain. i like the temple. i like that it's raggedy and messy. maybe it should be over-repaired, so people in need can take from it? it's definitely not very reverant, but. gods should serve their people. quotes all of small gods here etc. they should want to serve their people. they should be happy to see their temples valued below human life. it would be nice to live in a ghibli film forever, and read books and cook warm food and paint.

episodes ???. thoughts said out loud. gods own their people. thousands, one, here and now you are alive. gods are owned by their people. it's a cage. it's the most beautiful cage possible. to feed starving people from your hands. the bread and the fishes cut out of you. to give and give and give, to be asked for things you have never had and give them next. each prayer should strip you to the bone. can you imagine? to be so trusted, so cared for, so beloved, so followed, to have so much given to you freely and happily. a live lived to save others is the only beautiful thing. the only beautiful thing! a god should be owned by each of their believers individually. selfishly and shallowly and demandingly. like a child needs you. the power to put a fish back in the water is a blessing so heavy thinking about being created for it should make you wail. to be - for people, for the birds and the trees and the fish too, but for the people. it should break your heart. you should never let it become monotone. sunlight into wine.

on love: i trust b. i trust b. to love him here like this and love him in this skin and then find him again in a book and on a screen and fall in love with him there too, to watch myself fall in love with him too. nobody has ever earned what he freely gives. i want to give it back. oxygen to dioxide, i want to find all the places he stands and pour it back into him. i want to show him how beautiful he is. to love someone like that is a miracle and i want to pull it apart. i want to make him familiar with me and bored of me, i want him to wake up each morning taking me for granted, i want him to be so safe and secure in his place in my heart that it stops being a gift. that it wears down and falls apart. the velveteen rabbit. i want to hold him in my hands like a bubble that hasn't popped and i want to use him like the doorway to a world where even if i had to hurt and be hurt and fall and learn to grow, i can come home at the end of it. my growth can mean something, my stronger back can bear more weight, my lessons can be shared. i want it to mean something. i want to have faith in myself again. in the resurrected kingdom of his arms i can find it - build it. i can come home. it can have turned to gold while i did not see it. it can have worth, i can have worth, i can bend and not break. i can have a claim on things without losing them, without it cursing them. just him. i'm not greedy, i'm not selfish, so please - just him.

episode 6: there's something that hurts about letting other people see what you'll tolerate. what you'll do. the places in your life where you have pathetic history and where you are attempting to be someone who only existed today grinding against one another. i know he knows. i know it isn't a stolen moment, a chance to decide how i exist to someone before they decide it for me. i sleep beneath that painting and whenever i wake up in the night i feel him pretend that he is asleep. i know. i know. but it could have - it could have been. it could have been a lie that i got to play with. a tiny self indulgence. aren't you tired of stars? aren't you tired of being the tree that cannot bend in a storm? of holding yourself down? everyone else does it so easily. everyone else lets go. everyone else knows how. if i can't learn then i want to pretend. i want to be unwanted, and - and meet people. by chance, just chance, and like them and have them like me. no promises i made before i learned i couldn't keep them. just... something smaller. i talked about multiverse theory. how it isn't in the coin flip, but the atoms of the coin. how in one dot you can know everything. every grain of sand in a desert. i cannot survive existing with people thinking of me. not well and not poorly. i want to disappear into it. maybe nobody else is obligated to finish the work. maybe their contributions are a blessing. but i can't... learn how to let it go. it's all i have left in me that i recognize, somedays, as it gathers dust and makes me sick to breathe around. what am i if i am not that? i want to know. i'm scared to know. i will never be allowed to find out.

on being loved: god. it is too much. i don't hate it. it doesn't disgust me. but i feel like a plate being washed in every inch of the sea before i am allowed to see dry land again. i feel like i won't survive it if i look at it because it is a mosque decorated in mirrors, because it is mathematically perfect, because it holds the tiny miracles of angles and existence and light on par with the miracles of human heart and existence, because to make at all is to change the world for the first time, because i do not want to see what it reflects. i do not want to see it. i would be better if it lied to itself, if it was delusional and selfish and obsessed with smoke tricks. if it saw silk and paint and stopped looking. i don't want to know what i look like with my hair down, with my face clean, with my feet dirty, with my hands raw - i don't want to see what it sees to know that it loves there too. i don't want to follow it. i don't know how to make it stop. how could i - how could anyone be held accountable for this? to this? to prayers and plans and a kindness that changes the world in every grain of sand it has and again the next second, how could anything be worth this? and if it could - it couldn't be me. not a collection of stupid wishes and failures and betrayals-by-failure. not me with my hair down. silk could be worth this.

on being loved now that it isn't the middle of the night, and my body isn't betraying us both, and i can remember that there are an infinite number of steps between 0 and 1: but really, it's just ink. just paper. if it's - if he. if it's everything. if it's everything. then it can be one thing. it can be this thing. it can be the blindness. it can be me with my own hands over my own eyes like a shutterbox pretending i don't know how to see myself and admit that the pea beneath my mattress only hurts me - that it's small, to him, that it isn't sharp, that it's a phantom limb i can't stop being tormented by and only ever that. can that be enough to start? can i let it? it's atoms again. grains of sand. if he can love this, he can love everything. if i can see this, the rest falls away. there are more universes where we are kissing than every atom from the start to the end of time. that's how it works. i'm going in circles. you don't mind, do you? i'm writing this for you. you're the only person reading this. i don't know why i'm being impersonal about you when i'm being possessive about me. it won't protect me. it won't make it less terrifying to think of, and it won't make it less painful for you to read. i know you're already mad at yourself for being too much. for making me think that it's too much. you're kind to me like that, even when things are my fault. but if we can sit here together, and i can know that you know i can't imagine being loved, and that that - that moment, that dot, me unable to count to the place where numbers end - is something you love too. if i can just see this one moment, and not doubt it or question it or be afraid of it. it can be enough. because you know how hard i'm working to get to even this first step. you know how hard i'm working. you know how scared i am. you know it isn't you. you'll wait for me, with me, and you won't hate me for it. you promised.

on being forgiven: i don't know how to do it for myself. i don't know how to blame people for what they do to me unless it's the most extreme circumstance. i forgive too much that shouldn't be and hold ignorance and spite against others long past when it's fair. i handwave any scar someone gave me while they were suffering and never let go of what they do to others. i don't know what makes it different when it's me. i guess i know how to forgive myself for being scared and lost and for making bad decisions under the influence of... whatever... but not lazy cruelty. not letting something bad happen because i felt like it. all i do now is watch. all i do is let things slide past me again and again and again and do nothing to help and it can't matter that my heart breaks about it when theirs don't if none of us get up, and i remind myself that small steps do more than a single leap that uses me up but it's so hard to believe that here and now in the world where i could die if i tried again and harder still to comprehend in a world where 800 years of lives were made and suffered through and lost and i did nothing that matters to help. maybe all of the horrible backstory parts you're so scared of me seeing will be ones where i could do something, where i could climb up and let everyone take a raw bite out of me and go without starving for just one day, and then this won't cut me up inside like i swallowed a hedgehog. some days i am the hedgehog. trapped inside me, unable to stop being something that cuts to have there, unable to get away. i don't know how you can forgive me. i don't even know if you know what i need forgiving for. if i apologize for saving your life - for coming back to you again and again and again and being so selfish and. i don't know. for being me, while you try to love me, instead of being the person i can't forgive myself for not being, who deserves to be loved by you like this. but you'll forgive me. how do you do it? how do you stand it? i'm jealous of you. of how easy your heart warms up. of how kind you are.

kosmi 1-6 rewatch: i dislike pei su less now that i can see him as a person with a horrific job and less as a vehicle for the lies i know pei ming told about every woman he ever used and threw away. "i burned the scroll and won the war on my own" yeah right. gotta get that out first before i start collecting my thoughts. um.

one: the ascention, the earthquakes, (all that fuss for a scrap god. you told me the order it went in, when i asked, and i still think it's funny in a way that validates what i've been saying for something only the most in-need ask for help with to rattle the bells from warlord's palaces. they aren't ignorable. more than - more than anything else, anything before, i can be proud of this. i can be proud of myself for this.) i hate the way people look at you like you're infected with something because they can't play pretend that their inaction isn't malice any more. the bets and jokes and sneers. what have you done, lately? what help have you given? what good are you? and then there's me: starting as ever in unfixable debt, anchoring desperately to simple kindnesses, too tired to do more than smile. it's not worth it. it's never worth it. (being loved and losing it is worse than never knowing. being able to love yourself and losing it is worse than that.) the way that heaven sits unfixable and unchanging and incompetent. i'm proud of them for making something of their futures. i am. i don't begrudge them anything. i trust their character and i trust them to try to do the right thing for the people. i'm glad they didn't fight hua cheng. the kids are sweet. they're little carbon copies of their generals. it's sweet. it's kind. i like how... okay, they're mean and short tempered and fight like cats in a bag, but it's just the way you are at that age. it's not personal. it's easier to stand. i know there's gender coding tm in the novel, but i hate man-in-a-dress gags that point out that the man looks bad in a dress. i thought it was fine.

one point five: ok. i'll talk about it. the butterflies on the dress, the gentle music, the way our colours matched, the way your hand felt in mine. the sound of rain. i didn't know people could be so gentle. i didn't know they knew how. i think it was better for my health, before, when i assumed the best i ever saw was the best people were capable of. worse for me, though, to believe that. i'd forgotten what it was like to see myself in someone else's eyes as welcome.

zero point five: flashback sequence goes here. of course i remember what it was like to be loved, and work towards a clear goal that helped people. of course i remember what it was like to have a home that loved me back. he looked so scared as he fell. he looked terrified. i don't... i'm not good. at hating people. when i know everyone is driven to where they arrive in some degree or other. but that - whatever the reason they think they had, it isn't enough. it couldn't ever be enough. i hate seeing the human face disease. i hate how scared they are. how obviously in pain they are. i know they can't have survived. but i wish they could. i would give anything if they could. i would give anything up for it. have i talked about responsibility enough that this isn't a surprise yet? nobody should be that scared. nobody should suffer who hasn't chosen it to protect others. nobody should have to choose it, either, but if heaven has already failed you -

two: i hate that bald man. i hate watching that poor freckled girl throw herself on him again and again to save him just because he's human, while he takes every turn to re-learn hate and jealousy and hurt others. when he talks to his friends he almost humanizes himself, and i hope the time he spends as a crab fixes the rest. i truly do. but god i hate to see it. i hate being unable to do anything, because she chose it, because she knows him more than me, because her heart is kind enough to reach out to him even as it betrays and abandons the people in-need who can only go to her for help. you have to triage need. a life lived with the intent to harm others cannot come before a life lived with the intent to help, or to simply survive. anyway. the concern i get shown whenever i talk about the butterfly ghost is so charming.

three: i hate pei ming. his story is shallow and self-praising, his jilted lover competent and proud before he cured her of that with a kiss. i don't believe she broke her legs. i don't believe he passed over the chance to shortcut his way into glory. am i supposed to believe women just act like that? they just break their own knees for attention? she destroyed herself for him and he can't even pretend to care. not even at the end. not even to lie, and let her move on. so, what? thirteen girls die terrified and alone on the happiest day of their lives (- and we know it was happy for them, we know they went smiling up the path, we know they were excited) because he didn't have the stamnia to apologise to one person he hurt? i hate him. i hate his name, i hate his family, i hate his legacy of butchers, i hate his cowardice in sending pei su to grind out his cover story and then hide his mistakes where he doesn't have to look. i hate him. / i feel. so bad for that boy. he was so scared. do you know how scared you have to be to take scissors to yourself? i do. i have, literally, in the last year, actually. and that was... one cut. to avoid the risk of infection. sleeping on a wound that screams at you? he was a child. he was just a child. i let him down. there's no excuse. he needed reassurance. he needed protecting. i let him down.

four: i like that shrine. i like making it, owning it, doing something meaningful. i think a shrine for scrap should be made of more materials than it needs. i think it should be a place to sleep, always, and a place to eat, and you should be able to strip the roof if you need to. i don't care about what is proper, or respectful. respect the god of scavenger birds by surviving at any cost. by using what is useful. by taking what is free. i can build it again. if i know - if i can believe one good thing about myself, it's that i can build it again. as many times as it takes. i won't wear out. i won't give up. i can build it again. and how lucky, this time, to have help. there are so many things i can't do, even now. i need to learn. i never even thought about it until i saw that door. too long alone in my own head. too many years spent without it feeling worth the effort when a band-aid would hold.

four point five: again, ok, fine. i'll talk about it. you're beautiful. your eyes are like starlight, your smile is the warmest thing i've ever seen, your hands should be buried in an instrument, your painting is beautiful, your laugh is endearing - what do you want from me, here? of course i was looking. it's different to look now with your hand in mine than it was, then, to look just to look. to count threads just to count. to run my fingers through your hair and across your palm just to touch something. of course i knew. who wouldn't know you? who couldn't tell? but then, what was i going to do? know it? say it? ask things? better to be stupid, and naive, and find out what knife is waiting for me when it happens. i'm tired of speeding through the sweet moments to get to the next blade. i'm tired of being pushed from place to place. i'm tired of being alone. wasn't it fun? didn't we have fun? didn't you like talking together and cooking together and waking up in the morning in an empty shrine with the promise of another day to fill it? do i have to scream and shout and be suspicious and accuse you of - what! of holding my hand? of helping me? of being the exact same as everyone in heaven still deigning to look at me and thinking of me only as a tool to an end in a plan that will hurt people who did nothing wrong but pray? what can the harvest hope for if not the care of the reaper man? if it's - it always hurts. it always hurts. if it's going to hurt. why shouldn't it be kind first? why shouldn't i play stupid and keep you close and be usable without a heart left in me to break? why shouldn't i enjoy it for what it is, if it's all a lie? better me than someone who would be hurt by it. you're smart, and easy to talk to, and you're helping. you can't unbuild that door. unsweep the entryway. you can't undo the physical evidence of when you were kind. that's enough. that's all i can ever ask of people.

four point now: yes i know you wouldn't, now, i know you now, i don't need to gamble. i know you'd build a thousand doors. i know there's no trick. i know that it's safe. i know that i could have accused you and screamed and bit you and nothing would have made a difference and you still would have been kind. i know. i promise i know. i just... have to say where it was before. i have to tell you how important that kindness was, and how much i was willing to be kind to my own self to keep it near me. you understand what i mean, right? the tiny unforgivable act of making a mistake that could only hurt me? i know, i know. cocky to assume it would just be me hurt. but - if i was right to hope for nothing, i would make sure of that. i would make sure of it. i would do what i needed to to make sure only i was hurt for my selfishness.

five: i hate that we built a shrine and the next day something like that waltzed in. now we have to clean again. (i said in the stream, how funny it was to run that only survivor scam, how quickly it falls apart if you've ever seen real suffering, if you know what a survival rate is.) the rest i don't remember. i like working as a team. i like how much the kids hate you. they can tell too. i don't know what they see. but they worry about me. why do they worry so much? do their generals have something invested in me? are they just trying to do what they can now, and my caring for them isn't a one-way road? do you look that sketchy?

six: talking about the plot? in a sandstorm? no. you should keep my hat on. you look so sweet and cute and shy in it. i love the way you crumple when you aren't at the wheel, when an interaction happens without your instigation. maybe i'm not the only one bad at taking kindness. maybe i should offer it to you more often. you smell nice. like hot clay and silk. it's subtle. is that a ghost king thing, or is it just you? i like it. i can't imagine what i smell like. i hope... lillies and cotton. something soft. i'll ask you one day. i'm not surprised you were the most solid thing in a storm. i won't be surprised if you keep being that. i should have let you catch me. i should have dragged you with me. are you immune to it? could you stop it? would you pretend to be as useless and helpless as i am? i want to keep putting you in situations in disguise just to see what you do. it's fun! it probably shouldn't be, and i'm sure i'm setting myself up for a public shriving the more it becomes obvious who you are and how much i depend on you, but. i don't care. if i suffer for it, so what? what difference will that make? what could one more condemnation possibly do?

six point five: i like seeing sqx. i still read that as squeeks. i like seeing squeeks. i like sharing this with teddy. i like knowing that the way we are together can translate to here. i like how kind he is to me, and how funny, and sweet. i want to see him be happy. i want to see him be happy even though i know enough to infer it won't last. i know you love me with the power of a thousand angry wasp queens but it's nice to just sit next to him and joke with him and pretend for a little bit that i got to do this all the time. that i spent all my years drinking honey and rosewater and laughing with him, that things were as kind and easy as they're allowed to be. it's cute when i say he has a moral code and he gets offended. it's cute when i say he's a bitch and he gets offended. i like the way it makes all three of us laugh. i like seeing a place in my heaven where you could be. i don't want you to give up what you built. you built it because you had to. but when i'm sitting with my head on his shoulder, it's a window to that place where heaven exists to help people, where none of us ever had to learn what misery really was.

what power obliges from you: action. movement, always. there is no down time, no sleep, no rest, no running. if you seek people out to rule them - and that is what ascention is, seeking to rule, to tie your survival to your treatment of them - then you cannot do it with force and with ignorance and with the desire to coast. like. i'm not stupid. i know men do. for centuries and centuries with no repercussions, until the king on the rope for his people is as far related to the man who razed their lands as i am, (but inheriting evil is a choice too). i know how easy it is to punish and hurt and demand. how easy it is to hold people for ransom. but that isn't... that isn't power. that isn't kinghood or godhood or divine right. it's worthless. it's the other end of a sword. it kills you both to use. there's no light left in the world, no wonder, no chance to be saved by others so long as you are the thing that keeps you both drowning. you should wake up in the middle of the night for them without being asked. you should bleed for them without being asked. you should be ready to die for them without them ever knowing. even at their worst. at their most entitled, afraid, undignified, ignorant - if they are those things, the blame falls on you. if you are voted in democratically or born to the monarchy and not hanged in the streets it is the same either way: the people have chosen, they are asking you for something, and if you live in their gold and silk and sing their songs instead of smashing your own head in with a rock then you have agreed to the terms. why would anyone be unwilling to do that? afraid to do that? if you can do even a little bit more than someone else they are owed half of the excess. you cannot live in the world alone. you must not live in the world alone. ask the people above you to bleed for you and the people below you for nothing. there is no hierarchy beyond "i can help you" and "please help me" and there is no meaning beyond it either. every day it is hard to remember this but you have to, both parts, without losing either. why wouldn't anyone want this? what else is there to strive for but to better help others, to be someone with an abundance to share, to be used like that for the survival of everyone. isn't that happiness? to be as connected to everyone around you as a river is? to give water and fruit and blessings and promises and safety and shelter? you can seek power without understanding that it is only deeper service, but you will never do anything worthwhile with it. the gold will rot with your corpse. we find immortality in one another, and the celebration of giving more.

???: i saw a video of someone opening their back gate onto a meadow of the same single flower. it was beautiful. that's what it feels like when i catch you looking at me. we could grow flowers, couldn't we? we could plan a garden? i don't want to see myself fall and fail twice at least, or fight a war, without something kind at the end. i want you to tell me there's a way to still be like this - repairing doors, eating small meals, sleeping in warm air - after all of that is done. i want to build something selfish and self-sufficient together. i know we already are. in the things we talk about the jokes we make at my own expense whenever further plot implies at me. and in how excited i was to find out that the word for butterfly was this one. but i want to make things with our hands again.

episode 7: well. i'm glad it was me.

episode 7 (a day later): i'm still glad it was me. i'm proud of the kids for how brave they are, proud of that general for saving lives every time - and god, it was so funny sitting there in a circle of contempt for him, touching a gravestone people had hand cut and hauled up the mountain and carefully ingraved with their thanks, thinking about how loved and how much gratitude he must have died surrounded by. thank you for making them treat it with respect. thank you. he did his best. i'm almost jealous of it. imagine how nice it would be to help people, and have them see that you helped them, and be happy about it, and think kindly of you. i'm glad that you understood how important his actions were. i feel less alone when you're beside me on matters like that. anyway - i'm glad it was me. you're so bad at letting people care for you. i can tell you've been alone with only yourself to depend on for a long time. but your heart is so soft, you know? you don't even know it. you deserve to be protected. to be with people who want to protect you. it doesn't matter if you could have caught it in time, or survived a bite if you didn't - you should be able to think of yourself as precious to others. to me. i don't want to see you hurt. i don't ever want to take your hard-won strengths for granted. on the last day of earth, i want to move between you and danger as quickly and without apology as i did then. you're so easy to care for. do you know? and i'll be okay. i know you blame yourself for it because you said, because you're never gentle with yourself the way you are with me. but if you hadn't been there, i'm sure i would have stepped between someone else and that bite. i'm sure i would have forgotten again to grab the stinger i was just warning everyone about. you know what would change? if you hadn't been there, if you'd been a bit faster with your own defense, "if" "if" "if" - ? i wouldn't know there was a cure. i wouldn't know where to look for it, or be able to depend on someone helping me find it. that's the difference you made by being there. that's the only influence you had on me that day. you keep giving me the chance to survive my own mistakes. thank you. i can't promise we won't end up here again. i can't promise i won't keep trying to protect you. all i can do is hope that you know i don't mean it as a slight on your capabilities (it isn't! i just care about you. even the strongest man alive should be loved by people who want to shield him from danger) and that you don't get tired of me being so reckless.

#anchor.

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