#hellbrain moments lovely

[mezimraky]

i never got the perceived rudeness of emailing or texting someone at odd hours of the night or the morning, because i consider emails and texts just something i am writing down and leaving for others to read at their own convenience. but my prof just wrote me this long email of. feedback for the essay i will be having a state exam over next friday and ngl the panic was instant

#under the sun with kai #i skimmed it and that did Not Calm Me Down #and now im just kinda stuck between. wanting to read the whole thing properly but being scared it will definitely freak me out #too much to even go to sleep but then. if i don't. i will stay scared of what Might be in it and be freaked out anyway #hellbrain moments lovely #and yeah no i get why 'sunday night' should not be a time for email unless its to submit a thing before a deadline

[in-death-we-fall]

To Hell and Back

Kerrang 1227, September 13 2008

Being a member of Slipknot is a tough business. But it’s not just onstage that bad things can happen, as Joey Jordison knows to his cost…

Words: Daniel J. Lane Photo: Paul Harries

The cocaine one. It's short but it's a lot. Knew what I was getting into but this one's definitely gonna be wedged in my hellbrain for a bit.

(google drive link)

When Kerrang! caught up with Slipknot at the end of June prior to their headline slot on the inaugural US Rockstar Energy Mayhem tour, drummer Joey Jordison joked that, after being off the road for three years, the band were so full of pent-up energy and so desperate to get back out and play live that he “wouldn’t be surprised if we break our fucking necks on this first run of shows”. And, in true Slipknot fashion, on day one of the tour in Seattle, Washington, Slipknot DJ Sid Wilson ended up breaking both of his heels after an ill-advised stage dive, while Jordison himself reportedly drummed so darn hard he was forced to ride out the final three dates of Mayhem concealing a broken ankle from his bandmates. As a result, Slipknot were forced to cancel their scheduled European festival shows — including Reading and Leeds — after doctors ordered Jordison off the road for six weeks.

The diminutive sticksman is currently at home in Des Moines, Iowa. He’s bummed about letting all the European Slipknot fans down, but that disappointment is mixed with positivity, with new ‘Knot album All Hope Is Gone having debuted at number one and number two in the US and the UK respectively. And having finally kicked a long running and very private battle with addiction, Jordison has much to look forward to.

How much have you changed as a person since we last officially saw you on Vol. 3: The Subliminal Verses? “I’m definitely happier these days, that’s for sure. To be quite honest, and this is something I don’t want to get into, but basically, it all comes from quitting partying. I stopped taking narcotics just before the New Year and now I don’t flub on double bass anymore and I don’t have to try to get through the songs when we play live. You can do whatever you want in your life, I don’t care. I’m not going to preach to you and tell you to stop doing whatever, but now I’m happy and I play better. It’s that simple. My band’s ecstatic about it. I haven’t played this good for a long, long time. Probably since the first record, and there’s nothing more gratifying than that."

When did you realise you had a problem with drugs? “It was probably when I realised that I wasn’t just hurting myself, I was hurting the people around me. I had a real moment of clarity last year. My girlfriend at the time, a girl who I thought I was gonna be with forever, cheated on me and I went on a three week coke binge. I actually wrote some of the riffs for the new album [All Hope Is Gone] around that time, which is the only good thing to come out of it. But I just wasn’t having fun anymore and my family knew it.”

How did your family react? “My sister, Annie, kept trying to call me but I didn’t want to speak to anyone. The phone was off the hook. I didn’t answer my door, the lights were off, and I was just fucking ragingly pissed off all the time. So she sent me a picture of my nephew. He was trying to play drums and he was wearing one of my old masks. And so I called her and she put him on the phone and he said, ‘I love you uncle Joey’, and I was like, ‘Fuck it, I’m done. This is fucking stupid’. I realised I was basically fucking dying. It took that to make me realise what was really important in my life and that I’d done a lot of mean things to people.”

Like what? “Just stupid fucking rock star shit. Thankfully, I’m fucking over it, now. You act like an asshole, you feel like shit the next day and your performance suffers because of it. I really don’t want to go into it… I once made a tour manager cry because I was so fucking pissed off and hungover. Just fucked-up things like that. Let’s just say I’ve had to make a lot of apologies to people. But the past is the past, now I’m so much faster at drumming, so much more fluid with my breathing. I eat better… And I’m also fatter (laughs).”

We’d have said ‘healthier’ rather than ‘fatter’. You were looking quite skeletal towards the end of Vol. 3… “I’m just happier, dude. I wake up, and I eat really well. I don’t wake up and throw up like I used to. I’m not rail thin any more. Everyone in my family is like, ‘It’s so good to see you put on a few pounds’.”

Where do you think your addiction stemmed from? “We have good lives. I’m not going to say ‘Oh, woe is me’. People know we’ve had success and all that stuff. But there are things that can push you over the edge. Things like being an outcast at school, my step dad dying, the death of my friend [former Killing Joke / Ministry bassist] Paul Raven… He was one of the sweetest, most genuine fucking guys that I’ve ever met in my life. He was too young, man. He was too young. And I will miss him forever. These are the things that never leave you.”

Is that why you tried to incorporate the scars into your new mask? “I’ve had scar lines in my mask for a while now, but yeah, I wanted to design a mask that just shows the pain that I’ve gone through, the love and the hate I’ve gone through. It’s decrepit, it’s rotting, it’s sewn together. And the crown of thorns and the mummified look and the willowy hands, is the same thing. I’m growing old, man. I’m a human fucking tree, I’m just rotting into the earth. It’s the scariest looking thing I could come up with. I don’t wanna be the pretty boy in the band any more. I’m sick of that shit, y’know?”

Does it bug you that, pretty much from when Slipknot started, girls would throw themselves at you because you were the ‘cute one’? “Yes and no. Actually I think I might have done myself a disservice, I think the new mask might attract more (laughs). That said, I can’t wait to see the mock-ups in the audience. The old mask was kinda easy to copy, but the new one’s going to be that little bit harder. I honestly can’t wait to see the first kid with a crown of thorns at a Slipknot show.”

So what does the future hold for you, personally? “I don’t know. I take each day as it comes. Every morning I wake up and think, ‘Is this gonna be my last day?’. And if today is my last day, I wanna go out swinging, man. You know what’s crazy about me? I’ve already bought my grave. Just in case. It’s over down on Second Avenue [in Des Moines]. That’s what being in Slipknot does to you.”

Slipknot’s new album, All Hope Is Gone, is out now. The band will be touring the UK in December. See Gigs for details.

#if you want anything else from this scanned lemme know! #joey jordison #is he skewed? yes. do i feel like fixing it? no. #slipknot #kerrang 1227 sep 13 08 #interview #i looked it up and paul raven was uh 46 🫥

[hopeful-hugz]

23

Munday Questions Time || Accepting

Do you ever get jealous when rping? How do you handle this?

🕯️ When it comes to stuff like canon muse duplicates, nah.

People on the other hand? Very rarely and even then I know why it happens.

As bad as I am with constant communication with the... massive amount of people in my life who are RP Partners and friends. I sometimes lowkey get hyperfixated on certain people and friendships at different times. Usually if they're consistently throwing things my way and putting active development into creating things with me and it's not just me tossing ideas, musings and content their way.

🕯️ I don't have the kindest hellbrain out there (even tho I'm medicated) and that's where the jealousy tends to come from are those moments where the chemical imbalances are particularly bad. Usually when we were in the middle of a plot, event or something big I got attached to that ended up just dropped in favor of something someone else is doing.

What I do when that happens is I take a metaphorical step back and think through my emotions logically:

Everyone has friends, family and lives outside of one person.

Sometimes those outside people need to take priority

This doesn't mean they love you any less. You are very loved.

This feeling is just your hellbrain and fear of abandonment.

They aren't going to just leave you hanging forever.

Just give them time. Breathe. Be Patient.

I go through that line of things and then turn to something else that I either need to get done or that I can distract myself with (usually making product for the Ko-fi and Beautiful Bohemian; the store I intern at) until my notoriously bad memory activates. Said memory is part of the reason it took me so long to realize that I have moments like these, but now I use it as a tool (in this case at least) to help me deal with an emotion I know is hellbrain-fuelled.

Being jealous is a pretty normal emotion for humans, and that's okay! It's how you deal with that emotion that truly counts. I like to think I've gotten the hang of handling it.

#Masked Strangers || Anonymous Asks #Breakfast in Space || OOC #Hopefully I articulated this in a way that makes sense

[roboraindrop]

Just had a realization and... Hhhhhooooo boy I miss Dick....

#rain complains #vent #I... hhh #ive been distancing myself from him because... the BPD hellbrain won out. im too afraid that im not good enough for him #He.... he deserves everything. ive been hopelessly in love with him from the moment that i met him.... #but then I see him with Maggey in game. and i see him being shipped with so many people who are so much better than me #prettier. healthier. more capable of giving him the world he deserves #but i still cant stop thinking about him. i csnt stop loving him even if i tried #so its created this weird space where I'm missing him and longing for him... but also im afraid to run to him #because what if he DOES want better? what if im NOT good enough when compared to others who get shipped with him? #god i just... miss him so much #he'll always be the love of my life no matter what

[seventhstrife]

SubScorp Week 2021 Day 4: Lust 1/3

I AM SO MAD ABOUT THIS PROMPT!!! IT GOT RIDICULOUSLY LONG!!! LIKE, AN UNREASONABLE LENGTH OF FIC WAS ACHIEVED THROUGH THIS PROMPT THAT WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE EASIEST ONE!!! WHY IS MY BRAIN LIKE THIS!!!

Special shoutout to all of the wonderful, lovely, ridiculously patient people on discord who weathered me complaining about my stupid hellbrain lolol

Only part 1 tonight since I literally spent all day writing nearly 10k words, and there’s no way I can edit it and also sleep before my shift LOL

Read it on AO3.

Part 2

It would have been kinder, perhaps, to simply announce his arrival, but Hanzo had grown so fond of being amused in recent years and he could not resist the urge to indulge.

Gathering a handful of small stones, Hanzo climbed the nearest building and darted across the sun-baked clay of the rooftops, careful to remain unseen as he trailed his target.

A smile curled his lips beneath his mask. He waited until he was sure he was completely concealed, then let loose one of the pebbles in his grasp—a direct hit to the back of Kuai Liang's head.

The sight of Kuai Liang's flinch, as well as the sharp snap of attention and his dark expression of annoyance and suspicion through the crowded, dusty streets of the road, stretched Hanzo's smile into a grin. He bled into the shadows, knowing he would have to be swift if he wanted to stay ahead of Kuai Liang's attention.

He only managed one more stone's throw before Kuai Liang wisened up and scaled the nearest building. He was no fool, and tracing the stone's trajectory was a simple thing. Hanzo was forced to duck behind any cover he could find to avoid the Lin Kuei Grandmaster's thorough, careful scrutiny of his surroundings.

His next throw would be his last, he knew. He would have to make it count if he did not wish to be caught.

Hanzo crouched low and waited for his moment. The instant Kuai Liang turned, still scanning his surroundings for any movement, he sent his last stone flying.

He saw the beginning motion of Kuai Liang's whip-fast reaction, hand darting up in a flash to catch the stone, but Hanzo was already gone, swallowed in hellfire, and before Kuai Liang's fist fully closed around the rock, Hanzo appeared directly behind him.

Hanzo didn't hesitate. He tackled Kuai Liang to the roof, perched atop his chest before he could react.

Blinking in the harsh sunlight, Kuai Liang's scowl of deadly promise melted away into shock.

"Hanzo?"

Hanzo smirked. "Is this the standard of Lin Kuei assassins?" Hanzo shook his head. "Perhaps I should reconsider allying myself with a clan that is so soft."

Kuai Liang's eyes narrowed in a glare, but it was lessened by the reluctant smile that tugged on his lips, as if against his better judgment.

"I think I am the one who should be reconsidering my allies, if they are so eager to attack me on the streets," Kuai Liang pointed out, and Hanzo chuckled, finally stood and offered his arm.

Kuai Liang took the offered hand and absently brushed himself as he stood. His dark eyes, pleased and curious in equal measure, peered at Hanzo with confusion.

"What brings you to Outworld, Hanzo? And to me, specifically?"

Hanzo crossed his arms, gazing across the sand-dusted streets and modest abodes of the city, half of it hollowed out from the bright red clay of a mountain.

"I had received word that you accepted a mission from the Thunder God." Hanzo's face darkened with a grimace. "I would be neglecting the conditions of our alliance if I did not aide you."

"My mission is one of reconnaissance, Hanzo," Kuai Liang said, brow furrowed. "My life is hardly in danger."

"No mission from Raiden is as simple as he makes it seem," Hanzo said darkly. The loss of his clan—again—still burned. "If my presence is an insult, I beg your forgiveness," Hanzo continued, and he bowed. When he rose, he met Kuai Liang's eyes dead-on, determined and stubborn. "Allow me to accompany you, if only to set my mind at ease."

Kuai Liang had appeared taken aback at first, but understanding quickly bled onto his expression, and no little guilt. His own memories of the Kamidogu, and the manipulation he'd suffered, did not appear to have been forgotten either.

"...I accept your offer, Hanzo. Thank you." Kuai Liang said, and he returned the bow. "Shall we?"

The Thunder God's power had sent Kuai Liang to an Outworld city, but Kuai Liang's true destination laid deeper in the forest. An ancient temple, Kuai Liang informed him, long abandoned, had been rumored to have worshippers once more. Raiden merely wanted confirmation of such a thing, to decide his next move. The worship once practiced there had been forbidden, one steeped in ritual sacrifice and practices so brutal and cruel that even Outlanders shunned it, and if some sort of revival was in the making, Raiden suspected it would only be a matter of time before the cult spilled into Earthrealm and claimed the inhabitants there for their depraved rituals.

A simple mission, but one that did nothing to abate the uneasy feeling that had overcome Hanzo from the moment he'd learned of Kuai Liang's undertaking. He had not lied to Kuai Liang for his reasons for being here, but he had neglected the full truth: that, more than anything, he worried for his friend and what might happen to him when caught up in another machination of a God.

Once Kuai Liang had debriefed him, they fell into silence, traveling the forest with their ears peeled for the slightest sound that stuck out: voices, a footstep, anything that would confirm Raiden's suspicions. But caution and vigilance would only help them so much if Raiden had sent them into some sort of trap.

Hanzo pushed the worry from his mind. Nothing will happen to him. I will ensure it, he vowed.

The temple emerged from the trees when they were nearly on top of it. If it had been recently re-occupied, it did not show on the outside. The forest had been allowed to encroach upon it, nearly to the doors, and lichen and vines covered the side of the crumbling stone building as nature reclaimed it.

Hanzo and Kuai Liang knelt side by side as they observed the building, but it truly seemed abandoned.

"Shall we take a closer look?" Kuai Liang asked once it was plain they were quite alone outside.

Hanzo repressed a grimace; telling Kuai Liang he had a 'bad feeling' was out of the question, unless he wanted to make Kuai Liang think he indulged silly superstition and thus, lose his respect forever.

Hanzo nodded. They took a closer look.

Their steps were slow and cautious as they climbed the sun-bleached steps. Cracks and fissures stretched across nearly every surface, and while the stains were very faint, Hanzo still recognized the dried blood dotted across the stone.

It only took a few minutes to carefully sweep the temple for signs of life, and they met in the dusty temple's center once they were done.

"It appears abandoned," Kuai Liang observed, dark eyes lingering in a dark corner for one last check before he finally looked at Hanzo.

"I agree," Hanzo said, crossing his arms. "I hope the Thunder God has promised you something worthwhile for this waste of time."

A small smile tugged on Kuai Liang's lips; Hanzo pretended he did not find the sight incredibly gratifying.

"The terms of a contract are confidential, Hanzo."

"So, nothing," Hanzo surmised with a nod. "Unsurprising."

Kuai Liang's smile grew, amused. "Your time was wasted as well," he pointed out. "Will you demand compensation from Raiden?"

"Do not tempt me," Hanzo warned. He could do so without shame or remorse. After what the Thunder God had put them both through, it was the least he deserved.

Kuai Liang opened his mouth, eyes dancing with mirth—

But then his eyes shifted, just slightly, and he tensed, all over.

Hanzo barely had time to react before Kuai Liang was shoving him with a rough shout of, "Get down!"

His balance was upset but Hanzo recovered, quickly rolled to his feet in a crouch, one arm braced on the floor, the other already unsheathing his dagger.

"Jussst asss my hunger growsss, what ssshould I find but fresssh blood in the unlikeliessst of placesss?"

Skarlet ascended the last steps of the temple, an expression of satisfaction and interest on her features. She held a single hand aloft where an orb of thick, viscous blood twirled idly.

She came to a stop some distance away and widened her stance. Her fingers curled into claws and she stretched the blood like a scarf between her palms. Her eyes flashed between the two of them.

"My lucky day," she rasped slowly.

Hanzo frowned heavily, though it was almost a relief to finally face the inevitable complication he had been expecting this entire time. He darted a quick glance at Kuai Liang.

Kuai Liang was much in the same position and appeared unscathed as he leveled Skarlet with a heavy frown. A smear of blood shards streaked across the space they once stood.

"What are you doing here, Skarlet?" Pure, icy contempt dripped from his tone.

"I am the one who ssshould be asssking the questions, Sub-Zero." Skarlet arched a single thin eyebrow. "Asss the Outworlder, I am not the one who doesss not belong here..."

Hanzo rose and Skarlet's gaze cut to him, wary and deadly. He unsheathed his second dagger and gave them a spin.

"You are outmatched, Skarlet." He pointed at her with a blade. "You would be wise to leave."

Her mouth was hidden behind a crimson mask, but her smile was only too obvious in her tone.

"I am trembling with fear," Skarlet said mockingly, and barely before she'd finished drawing breath, she moved her hands in a quick sweeping motion that sent a wide arch of blood, suddenly crystallized, straight for them.

Kuai Liang had his ice to defend himself with, so Hanzo did not waste a moment summoning a ring of fire, nose wrinkling as the blood met his flames and burst on impact. A power based on draining the life from another—it was barbaric.

Hanzo's words had not been an idle boast—together, he and Kuai Liang were formidable, and years of fighting at one another's side had only fostered a deadly alliance, one of devastating power and precise, efficient strategy.

Barely minutes into the fight, Skarlet was showing signs of unease. She was smart to keep her back to a wall at all times, to better prevent them from flanking her, but the ceaseless assault of ice and fire was clearly wearing on her.

When Kuai Liang froze her leg, just long enough so that she caught a fireball to the chest, she staggered, fell to one knee as her harsh breaths echoed through the ancient temple.

Tales of her cunning and deadliness had not escaped them, however, and neither man allowed their guard down, approaching slowly, fists raised.

"Thisss," Skarlet panted, glaring at the two of them, "Isss hardly fair, isss it?"

"You chose this fight, Skarlet," Kuai Liang said pitilessly.

The way her eyes narrowed at Kuai Liang—that earlier feeling of unease rose within Hanzo once more.

"I did," she agreed. "And it isss time I evened the oddsss..."

Skarlet thrust the hand—that before had been clutching her side—at Kuai Liang, and a small disk of blood, no doubt razor-sharp, shot towards him at an incredible speed.

Too fast to deflect it properly, Kuai Liang raised his arm, and Hanzo only caught a glimpse of how it burst moments before impact, hovered in the air in dozens of pinpricks of needle-thin blades, before crashing again. As Kuai Liang dropped to a knee and ducked, shielding his face from the worst of it, Hanzo was already backing away as Skarlet flew at him in a sudden burst of deadly fury.

"I can already tassste your blood," Skarlet said with relish. The blade of her blood dagger locked with Hanzo's and their faces hovered close. Her eyes shined with wicked triumph. "I will enjoy gorging myssself in the daysss to come."

Hanzo only glared back, disgusted. Between them, a sudden light grew and Skarlet glanced down with wide eyes to see her dagger glowing-white hot to match where it met Hanzo's as his arms caught fire.

An instant later, the blade, warped, shifted, and burst. Skarlet cried out, backing away as the blood singed her and the hands she shook out were bright red from the blistering heat.

"You will only taste defeat," Hanzo swore, summoning his kunai.

The low thump of a body hitting the ground drew his attention away, however, and it was with dread that Hanzo clapped eyes on Kuai Liang—teeth gritted in a grimace of pain, hands clawed against the stone as if he might crumble the stone at their feet.

He raised glassy, straining eyes to meet his.

"H-Hanzo," Kuai Liang managed, and then he shuddered, hunched over, and a low grunt of pain escaped him.

The sight and sound of him chilled Hanzo to his very core. Kuai Liang had been trained, practically since infancy, to withstand incredible amounts of pain. Anything that made him cry out like that—

Hanzo looked to Skarlet and he had no problem recognizing the sheer relish and satisfaction of her expression.

The hellfire, always kept carefully maintained, overflowed into instant, black fury.

Faster than she could ever predict, Hanzo flew across the room, seized Skarlet by her neck and did not stop until he slammed her against the opposite wall. Her strangled choke—brutally cut off by his hands, pressing deep—only incensed him further because this one cry of pain was not enough.

"What have you done to him?"

Skarlet strained against his grip, but she could not touch him, not when he burned so hot. She quickly realized she could not escape, but she only laughed, a reedy, raspy thing that made Hanzo see red.

"It—It isss a new concoction," she hissed, throat working harshly beneath his fingers. He barely loosened his grip so that she could speak, despising every moment he was not killing her. "One I-I have been..." She swallowed. Her heels scraped against the stone wall for purchase. "Very eager to try out."

Hanzo tightened his grip once more and Skarlet's eyes grew larger, panicked and desperate.

"WHAT. HAVE. YOU. DONE."

With each word, flames licked Hanzo's tongue, eager to escape. The temptation to release the flames on Skarlet's wretched head, to burn away her smirk until only bone remained, was nearly overwhelming.

But Kuai Liang's life hung in the balance. He could not give in to anger.

He allowed Skarlet breath, and she finally spoke, "That blood wasss poisoned," Skarlet hissed and Hanzo tensed.

"Where is the antidote," he demanded, and Skarlet laughed again.

"It isss not that sort of poissson," she said. "Thisss one was made for...ssspecial occasssionsss..."

Hanzo narrowed his eyes. "What does that mean?"

Skarlet looked into his eyes and victory shined in her dark, mad eyes.

"It isss a powerful aphrodisssiac," she purred, and Hanzo tensed. "If he is not sssatiated, his blood will boil."

Alarmed, Hanzo glanced at Kaui Liang. It looked as if he was already feeling the effects, if the way he clutched his abdomen meant anything. He ground his forehead against the filthy stone floor and even a short distance away, Hanzo could see the red welts rising from his skin, as if he were burning from the inside out.

"It would be bessst," Skarlet continued, able to speak more in Hanzo's moment of distraction, "If you left usss here." Her eyes darkened with desire and twisted eagerness. "I am more than up to the tasssk of helping him, and I am sssure he will find me very sssastisfying."

Kuai Liang would rather die, Hanzo knew.

Slowly, every line of his body a taut line of repressed violence, Hanzo allowed Skarlet to slide back down the wall so that her feet touched the floor.

Her eyes brightened with victory—and then Hanzo yanked her close, so that they instead widened with surprise and a quick flash of fear—for he had not released her yet.

"No," he simply said, and then he shoved Skarlet back.

Her skull cracked against the stone and she went limp.

Hanzo let her drop carelessly, turned his back on her, and quickly made his way to Kuai Liang's side. She would not die, he was sure of it, and though he dearly wanted to make her pay for poisoning Kuai Liang, there was still a chance she would be needed in the future, should her words prove false and some sort of antidote could only be procured through her repulsive blood magic.

Hanzo fell to his knees at Kuai Liang's head, hands hovering or unsure.

"Kuai Liang..."

Shakily, Kuai Liang raised his head. Hanzo didn't hesitate to clasp his hand when it was raised and his eyes widened to feel the heat of him, hot enough to rival his own skin.

"Hanzo..." Through his fierce grimace, Hanzo saw the flicker of uncertainty, the worry and anxiety brought on by this sudden vulnerability.

"I have you," Hanzo assured him and he squeezed his hand tightly. "We will fix this, I promise you."

Kuai Liang stared into his eyes for a moment, panting, face beginning to bead with sweat.

He sagged with a nod, weary and pained.

Hanzo swallowed them both in hellfire, and only the scorched stone and Skarlet's crumpled form marked their ever being in Outworld.

#@subscorp-week #@maagspies #@summertrapped #subscorpweek #subscorpweek2021 #subscorp #mk #mortal kombat #my stuff #my fics

[annewritesfic]

Happy Endings Don’t Exist

this au is not dead!!!!!!!!!!!! wow!!!!!!!!!

it has been. a month. i am so sorry.

fun fact: i actually wrote this like a month ago but never actually posted this yes hellbrain is still suffering from writer’s block it’s not wonderful i am fine

uhhhhh word count: 2823

tw: oh god uh, mentions of guns/bullet holes, blood, tyrannical rulers, death, parent death, mentions of stabbing, mentions of hospital rooms, please tell me if i missed anything

Kate ran a hand over the smooth rock that the throne was carved from, relishing the silence. The throne room itself was a mess, furniture still strewn across the floor, marked with bullet holes, and it reeked of the cleaning supplies that had been used to scrub the blood from the floor. Kate’s blood, Levana’s blood, Farrah’s blood, Mattie’s blood… so much blood. But it was quiet and otherwise empty, so Kate had escaped there.

So many things had happened in this room. Kate shivered when they thought about it, about all the people who’d sat in this chair before her. Levana, most recently. Before her, Kate’s own mother. Channary and Levana’s parents, Kate’s grandparents.

Kate thought about Channary a lot. In one of the palace’s hallways, there was a line of holographic portraits of past kings and queens, names Kate didn’t want to know but that their system committed to memory anyway. At the end of the line was Channary Blackburn, and Kate had sat in front of her holographic portrait for an hour, staring at the face of her mother. A woman Kate had no memory of - she’d died just weeks before Kate’s first birthday. She’d been queen for just about two years before she’d died, leaving Levana as queen regent, and Kate’s system had put together an entire file in their head with all the articles and papers and history there was about Queen Channary. But the articles didn’t tell Kate as much as the people who remembered her did.

Queen Channary had died fifteen years ago, so there weren’t many people left who’d also worked under her, but Kate had asked to see everyone who had. There was Clark’s father, Garrison Winslett, a tall palace guard with a soft voice and kind eyes. He’d made Kate feel safe, but he’d refused to share many details, claiming Kate didn’t need to know.

“That’s in the past now, Your Highness,” he’d said. “You need only concern yourself with Luna’s future.”

Which, while that hadn’t told Kate any of the details that they’d been looking for, did say volumes about what kind of queen Channary had been.

As Kate met the rest of Channary’s former subjects, they learned more and more about her. When Kate was a kid, living with Adri, they’d used to spend the bad nights imagining what her mother would have been like before the hover crash she’d been told had killed their parents. She’d imagined a kind, loving woman, with a soft voice and a gentle smile, who’d loved Kate with her entire heart. Kate had imagined walking home from school and telling their mother about their day while she listened attentively, a hand stroking Kate’s hair as they walked together. Snowy days where Kate’s mother would take her sledding at a neighborhood park, then bring her home and wrap them in a blanket and tell stories until Kate fell asleep.

Sitting in that dark, abandoned hallway, face lit up by the gentle light from the hologram, Kate thought about those old daydreams and scoffed a little bit. That’s not who Channary was.

Channary was beautiful and cruel. She was impulsive and vain and saw being queen as a right, not a privilege, not a responsibility. She didn’t care much about improving Luna, about helping the citizens she was sworn to protect. Instead, she threw dozens of lavish parties and flirted with just about every man that entered the palace and left most of the important decisions to the thaumaturges and to her younger sister, Princess Levana.

Honestly, it wasn’t a surprise that Levana had so easily won over the Lunar population. While she was terrifying, murderous, and corrupt, at least at the beginning she’d been dedicated to the job and did help grow Luna’s economy, which was probably a relief after Channary’s lazy, unproductive, brief rule.

Kate had sat alone in the hallway with the smiling image of her mother for exactly an hour, seven minutes, and eighteen seconds, according to their internal clock, before Eva appeared around the corner, calling Kate’s name. Kate glanced up at her, then looked back at Channary, and didn’t watch Eva while she came and sat next to them on the cold marble floor.

“Whatcha thinking about?” Eva asked softly.

Kate didn’t touch her - normally, she was comforting, but Kate couldn’t handle being touched right now. “My mom.”

They didn’t speak for a moment.

“She was a really terrible queen,” Kate murmured eventually. “And a shitty person.”

“I read up a little on her, when I was on the Rampion with you guys,” Eva said softly. “I just… I knew a bunch about your aunt, but not about her, so…”

“I almost did. I was too scared, though.” Kate thought for a moment, then dryly laughed. “I had reason to be scared. She fucking sucked.”

“She sort of did,” Eva agreed.

They were quiet for a few more minutes.

“She looks a lot like me, doesn’t she?” Kate asked softly. “But, like… a thousand times more beautiful.”

“She looks like…” Eva hesitated. “Your glamour. At the ball. When you fell and your glamour came up… you looked like that. Almost exactly.”

“Oh.” Kate hugged their knees, a headache pulsing behind her eyes.

They sat awkwardly in silence for a while, before eventually Kate couldn’t take it anymore. “Can we go?”

Eva let Kate help her to her feet. “Let’s go.”

That was yesterday. Now, Kate sat in the throne room, Luna’s artificial night darkening the corners, a crescent Earth visible in the dark sky beyond the protective dome. Sitting on the throne made Kate think of Channary, wonder how many meetings they’d attended as a baby, but this was also the room where Levana had finally been dethroned.

Those last few minutes were sort of a blur. Kate remembered firing the gun, remembered Levana pretending to surrender, and then there was just a flash of pain through their chest, and warnings flashing across her vision, and Eva screaming, and then… nothing. Waking up in that small, white, sterile room with a stranger bent over her left hand and Eva holding their right.

But Kate was told what happened. That Levana died and Kate didn’t. And Queen Selene finally took her throne.

Kate leaned her head back against the hard marble throne and breathed a shaky sigh.

“I thought you’d be in here,” said a familiar voice. Kate didn’t open their eyes but smiled. “Are you okay?”

“I’m fine.” Kate tapped their human fingers against the arm of the throne. “Just… wanted to be alone. Did you know that when you’re a queen, it’s surprisingly hard to find alone time?”

“Crazy,” Eva said flatly. “I never would’ve thought.”

Kate scrunched her nose, eyes still closed. “I mean, I get it. There’s a lot to be done, a lot I’m responsible for fixing, but… I just needed a minute. So I’m hiding.”

Eva laughed a little and walked into the room, her footsteps echoing off the walls. Kate finally looked at her, taking her in, her gentle smile and soft eyes, one hand behind her back. “A hoodie makes a pretty good disguise, you know. Wanna borrow mine?”

“Ugh, please.” Kate tucked their legs up, curling up on the throne. “Did you bring it with you?”

“I did, actually.” Eva shrugged. “It’s, like, a comfort object at this point.” She turned to look out the window, at the view Kate was staring at. “It’s so weird to see Earth where I feel like the moon should be.”

“It’s beautiful.” Kate leaned their head against the chair again, smiling softly when Eva turned back to look at her.

Eva bit her lip. “I have to tell you something.”

Kate’s smile faded. “You’re leaving.”

“Not now. But yeah, I am.” Eva scuffed the floor with her shoe. “My ship is supposed to leave the port in about 46 hours.”

Less than two days.

Kate looked away, at a crack in the wall. Mattie, Farrah, Chess, and Cairo had left yesterday. About a week from now, Annleigh and Clark would leave for their first ambassadorial mission to Earth. And now Eva was leaving, and Kate (and Reese, they supposed) would be left alone.

“I don’t want you to go,” she whispered, angry at how small and pathetic it sounded. “I mean, I know you have to, and you have your own country to worry about, but…”

“I know.” Eva’s voice was gentle and understanding. “I don’t- I’m not looking forward to being so far away from you, but I have to.”

“Sometimes I forget, you know?” Kate admitted. “That we’re… you know. Monarchs. Revolutionaries. Whatever. Like, people know us, know our names, and we’re responsible for them, but it’s hard to remember that sometimes. You’re just… you. You’re just Eva, you’re my girlfriend and you’re dorky and sweet and awkward and I love you, a lot, and I really like it when the world is just you and me.”

“Me, too.” Eva sighed. “Maybe- maybe you should come and visit soon? It could be, like, symbolic of the new alliance, or I could make up some sort of political crisis…?”

Kate smiled. “We’d never pull it off.”

“We could try.”

Kate laughed a little, and Eva did too, and for a second, things were better again, but then the reality crashed right back into Kate like a wave. “I’m going to miss you. So much.”

“Being a queen might not leave much time for being lonely.”

“I doubt that.” Kate suddenly felt awkward sitting on the throne, and stood up, coming to stand beside Eva, close enough to touch - but not quite touching, not yet. Two more days just… wasn’t enough time. Kate wanted more - wanted Eva every damn minute of every day. Wanted to hold her close and never let go. Wanted to grab her and drag her onto a ship and just leave, live forever in the stars, just the two of them.

But they couldn’t.

“You know,” Eva said thoughtfully, slipping her hand into Kate’s, “I spent so long avoiding a marriage alliance with Luna. But now, when it’s no longer necessary, it doesn’t seem so bad anymore.”

Kate lightly nudged her. “Stop that.”

“It’s a shame you can’t blush.” Eva leaned over and brushed a light kiss against Kate’s temple. “I’m not saying I didn’t mean it, though.”

Kate bit their lip and rolled her eyes.

“I have something for you.”

“I swear to fuck, it had better not be an engagement ring,” Kate threatened.

Eva grinned mischieviously and stepped back, kneeling on one knee.

Kate crossed their arms, tamping down the flutter in her stomach. “Eva-”

“I’ve been waiting a long time to give this to you.”

“Eva, wait-”

Eva pulled her hand from behind her back, revealing a small metal foot. A cluster of wires stuck up from the cavity, and the whole thing had smudges of grease.

“I hate you,” Kate muttered.

“Are you, like, disappointed?” Eva asked. “Because if you want, I bet Luna has some great jewelry stores-”

“Shut up.” Kate took the cyborg foot from her, studying it. It was so familiar, yet so foreign. “Why the hell do you even have this?”

“I don’t know, really. I kinda wondered…” Eva went a little bit pink. “I thought maybe if I could find the cyborg who fit this foot, it would be a sign we were meant for each other? But then I realized it would probably only fit an eight-year-old.”

“Eleven.”

“Close enough.” She bit her lip. “But really, I just… it was all I had when I thought you were- when I thought I’d never see you again. I couldn’t let you go that easily.”

Kate studied it for another moment, then glanced up at Eva, one eyebrow raised. “Why are you still kneeling?”

“You’ll have to get used to people kneeling to you. Happens a lot when you’re royalty,” Eva said, standing up.

Kate reached for her hand. “Maybe I should make a rule that the proper way to address your monarch is with a high-five.”

“Genius. I’m gonna do that too.”

Kate stepped closer, just an inch from Eva’s face. “Maybe I’ll also make a rule that the proper way for the queen of Luna to greet the empress of the Eastern Commonwealth is a kiss.”

“Even better.” Eva kissed them, and Kate reveled in it, in the feeling of finally, unapologetically loving Eva the way she wanted to love her, and being loved back just as much. “Although,” Eva murmured as they broke apart, “I doubt it’d be relevant in a hundred years or so. Might be a bit awkward.”

“Actually, about that…” Kate led Eva to the edge of the room and sat down, both of them dangling their legs over the edge of the balcony, over Artemisia Lake. “Can I ask your opinion on something?”

“Anything.”

“I think…” Kate took a deep breath. “I want to dissolve the Lunar monarchy.”

Eva didn’t react with horror or surprise, just smiled and put an arm around Kate and said, “When?”

“Not now. That’s too much of a change, too soon after… you know.” Kate leaned into Eva’s side. “But once things have settled down, started getting better. When I think Luna can handle a change in power. As soon as possible. I don’t- I can’t risk another Levana.” They hesitated. “Or another Channary.”

Eva pressed a kiss into her hair. “It won’t be easy. The people will be pissed. And they have that whole superstition. But you’re right. Luna needs a checks and balances system.”

Kate breathed a sigh of relief and snuggled even closer. “Okay. Thank you.”

“So what are you planning to do after you abdicate?”

Kate blinked. “Oh- I guess I hadn’t really thought that far ahead? Maybe Farrah would want a full time mechanic.”

“Or…” Eva rubbed Kate’s shoulder. “You could come stay in the Eastern Commonwealth as an ambassador. A show of good faith. Prove Luna and Earth can work together, side by side.”

“And be with you?”

“And be with me,” Eva agreed.

Kate considered it. “I think the Eastern Commonwealth hates me.”

“Hates you? You saved them from Levana. I think there’s a toy company that wants to make action figures of you, and Torin just showed me an article suggesting a statue where your booth used to be at the market.”

Kate shuddered.

Eva smiled and kissed the spot right next to Kate’s eye. “I promise, if you decide to come back, you’ll be welcomed with open arms.” She pressed her lips against Kate’s hair. “And if you want to come to the Annual Peace Ball next year, you’ll have hundreds of people begging to take you.”

“Oh, God.”

“I thought I might as well get my name on the list now. Maybe I’ll even have time to teach you to dance.”

Kate tried not to smile.

“Please say yes?”

Kate pretended to consider it. “Do I have to wear a dress?”

“Not if you don’t want to.”

“Maybe I’ll come in cargo pants.”

“I’d be so okay with that.”

Kate made a little humming noise. “Can I bring my friends?”

“Absolutely. I’ll extend a personal invitation to the entire crew.”

“Even Reese? Because there’s a rule against androids coming to the ball.”

“I might know someone who can change that rule.”

Kate couldn’t resist a smile. Going back to the ball, facing all those people who’d so openly hated them for years, should’ve sounded terrifying, but the idea of doing it with Eva sounded perfect. “Yes, I’ll go to the ball with you.”

“What about those dance lessons?”

“Mm, I wouldn’t push your luck if I were you.”

“Fair enough.” They kissed again, and Kate sighed against Eva’s lips, tired but happy.

Eva pulled away eventually and pressed her forehead against Kate’s. “Katie, I know- you’re a great ruler already. You’ll be even better till you abdicate. But… I know you never really wanted this.”

Kate chose to stay quiet.

“But… maybe, one day… would you consider being an empress?”

The silence hung in the air, but wasn’t necessarily uncomfortable.

“Maybe,” Kate eventually assented. “One day.”

Maybe meant yes, and both of them knew it.

Eva was right - Kate didn’t want to be a ruler. Didn’t want to be in that position of power, making real decisions that impacted real people. But Kate did want Eva, more than anything, and Eva came with an entire country, whether or not Kate liked it. And Eva was worth it. Eva was worth anything.

Kate leaned against Eva’s chest and looked back down at the foot. This too small foot had hurt for years, had made it hard to walk, and had represented everything Kate hated about being cyborg. It had never done anything but make Kate feel like shit.

Kate held the cyborg foot over the shining water of Artemisia Lake and let go.

#we are the tigers #the lunar chronicles #kate dalton #eva sanchez #kateva #blood tw #gun tw #stabbing tw #hospital rooms tw #death tw #parents tw #ask to tag #again: PLEASE PLEASE PLEASE tell me if i missed anything #anyways i love them so much #they deserve the world

[crash-cinematic-universe]

troy barnes and his forgotten love confession

pairing: troy barnes/abed nadir 

summary: troy and abed wake up in the library surrounded by their disoriented classmates with their memories wiped. unfortunately for troy, one look in his friend’s eyes caused the entire forgotten ordeal to play out inside his head-- including the love confession that ended with a scream of agony.

warnings: uh language? insecurities maybe? zzzzombies? 

notes: trobed time babeyyyyyyyy B-) also this is sort of a trail run for me writing for trobed?  just trying it out with a short 1.3k word fic. lmk how you like it bc i am operating off of feedback. idk i love these two theyre wonderful and i would die for them i think. SPOILERS FOR COMMUNITY S2 EP6 “EPIDEMIOLOGY” 

taglist: @simonsbluee

______

            The first thing Troy noticed was the pounding headache. The lights were all too bright and everyone was too loud and he felt like he’d gotten hit by a car. It was almost as if he was hungover, but one glance at his surroundings disproved his theory. The library was filled with groggy students and staff, the hallways jammed by sluggish athletes and a passed out Leonard. Troy didn’t really care about them, though, all he really cared about was the fact that Abed was lying on the floor beside him in a torn up Predator costume. 

            It was Halloween. The dean had thrown a party-- why couldn’t he remember it? It was all a fuzzy cloud of nothingness; for Troy, that’s almost normal, but something about this felt… different. Almost as if the gaping hole in his brain was made by something other than Troy. For a moment, the memories teetered on the edge of his conscious stream of thoughts, but they were quickly dissolved by Abed’s groan of discomfort. 

            “Troy,” He whined. “Are we hungover or were we drugged by Russian spies?” Abed’s hand brushed Troy’s as he struggled to sit up beside his friend. “Or maybe the dean’s Halloween party descended into chaos to the point where the government had to get involved…” Abed trails off. Troy was too disoriented to focus on anything other than the wisp of a recollection that swirled in his hippocampus. He felt sick, but Abed made it a little better.

            “Abed,” Troy asks. His voice is unsure and the sentence is punctuated with a fitting voice crack. “Do you--”

            “Remember anything from the past 12 hours? No. I’m assuming you don’t either, which leads me to believe that no one here does. Usually, I’d be more than happy to launch ourselves into an investigation, but to be honest, I feel like shit,” Troy can only smile at Abed’s ability to read him like a book. It’s almost as if they shared brain cells-- Abed was, in every sense of the phrase, Troy’s soulmate. Something in Troy’s brain stirred the moment the word ‘soulmate’ crossed his mind. Something was lurking beneath the fog in his head, he just needed to draw it out. 

            “We should save the adventuring for tomorrow,” Troy agrees after a long pause. “God, my head hurts,”

            “When we get home we can watch a movie and lay down for a bit, that might make you feel better,” Abed assures before rising to his feet. He looked down at Troy expectantly, but Troy was frozen in place. Something about hearing Abed call his tiny dorm their home struck Troy differently than usual-- he held onto the phrase before looking back up at the man above him. Anxiously, Troy took Abed’s hand and rose to his feet. It was apparent that Abed mistook Troy’s silence for something negative.

            “We don’t have to watch a movie-- if you wanted to you could just go home. Or we could make a blanket fort and sleep in there,” 

            “I don’t care what we do, as long as we’re together,” Troy grins. “And, uh, away from the dean. He looks oddly… manic.” They both glance over at their dean and erupt into giggles at the sight of his askew wig and ruffled skirt. Dean Pelton’s costume was great, sure, but in that moment he looked less like Lady Gaga and more like a barbie doll that got caught in a garbage disposal. 

            Troy and Abed walked hand-in-hand to Abed’s dorm room, small groups of confused students hidden in the corners as they walked. The feeling of Troy’s fingers intertwined with those of his best friend was both familiar and foreign-- they held hands all the time, but this time felt different. It felt less like a simple sign of affection and more like a statement; with every brush of Abed’s fingers on Troy’s knuckles, something between them changed. 

            “I was thinking something mellow,” Abed cuts through the silence. “I don’t know why, but I don’t think I can handle anything too intense,” Troy nods, a movie suggestion falling silent on his lips as his eyes meet Abed’s for the first time that night. One glance in the spiraling brown irises his friend dawns opened the floodgates of Troy’s mind. It was everything, all at once-- an overwhelming whirlwind of emotion and struggle and pain and confusion. There were zombies and a hot doctor and chaos and the U.S Military, but Troy didn’t care about any of that. No, his main focus was the echoing goodbye in his brain.

            He and Abed were cornered. Troy could escape, but it soon became apparent that he would have to leave Abed or succumb to the zombie virus that overtook their community college. And so, Troy said the one phrase he held back every single time he saw Abed-- he spilled his guts before his best friend was torn apart. 

            “I love you,”

            “I know,”

            Troy’s eyes filled with tears; the mixture of the overwhelming rush of the past 12 hours and the emotions that rocked him to his core making his tears inevitable. It’s not uncommon for Troy to start crying, but Abed could tell that this time, something was different.

            However, Abed had never been good with handling emotional situations. He did his best, hastily tugging Troy into his dorm room. He sat him down on the sofa, grabbing the first blanket he saw and wrapping it snugly around Troy’s shoulders. Abed darted around the room, frantically searching for something to comfort Troy; it wasn’t until Troy grabbed Abed’s forearm that he paused.

            “Abed?”

            “Yeah?”

            “I--” Troy stopped. He didn’t know what to do. He was anxious and tired and all he wanted to do was fall asleep in the middle of a stupid horror movie next to his best friend, but he couldn’t do that because his hellbrain was screaming at him. He loved Abed, sure, but did Abed love him? An offhand Star Wars reference doesn’t count as an ‘I love you’, although when it came to Abed, you could never be sure. Troy thought back to the night he dislocated his shoulders. He thought about how he acted under stress, how he ruined his chances at a football scholarship; he ruined his life and made the best decision he ever had in the same move. He couldn’t take the risk again-- he couldn’t risk losing his closest friend over something so trivial. He took a deep breath.

            “I-- uh-- I really appreciate everything you’ve done. For me.” A second passes and Abed doesn’t react.

            “Oh. It’s okay, you’re my friend. I’ll always take care of you,” Abed’s voice was calculated and robotic, but his words held depth that only Troy could truly understand. Abed smiled before opening the cabinet beneath his TV, revealing a plethora of movies ranging from rom-coms to thrasher to historical fiction.

            “I went through the movie selection we have-- our mellow options include Coraline and--” 

            “There is no way that Coraline is mellow, that shit is horrifying!” Troy chuckled, wiping away the few remaining tears on his face. The mood was lightening and the natural rhythm the two shared was once again buzzing through the air. 

            One day, Troy will tell Abed how he feels. He did it once, he could probably do it again. Or maybe he can’t. Maybe he’ll be a coward forever. Maybe he’ll die alone in a ditch with a stray cat named Doug-- hell, even Doug will leave him--

            “Troy?” The swaddled man was snapped out of his thoughts. Troy tried his hardest to hide his anxiety, but it was apparent that he was failing.

            “Yeah?” Abed paused. He looked down at his palms before intertwining his fingers in his lap. There were three movies laid out on the coffee table, but Abed didn’t acknowledge them. Troy was afraid, but he wasn’t sure why. It was the odd seriousness that muted the buzz from before. Abed knew-- he had to. That’s the only reason why his mood would shift so drastically. He knew that Troy loved him, he remembered the disastrous party and the zombies and he knew. Finally, after three solid minutes of Troy’s silent panic, Abed spoke.

            “I love you.”

#community #community tv #abed nadir #troy barnes #abed nadir x troy barnes #trobed #troybed #idk which one it is #s2 ep6 epidemology

[valdotpng]

Question. Do you have any specific resources you used to learn art and painting, etc?? Your style and skill is so so good and I'd love to see how you Do It

oh, gosh. i dont think i could ever answer this question in a truly satisfying manner, but i’ll try my best to do it!

learning art in general has just been a road of trial and error for me! looots of trial and error. im a ‘self-taught’ artist & i’ve been drawing since i was a toddler, so i’ve accumulated certain skills just bc i’ve been doing it for so dang long

that being said, i’ll share some links in a moment! but first, some advice from me to you, anon. just.. go wild. try new things and dont set too many rules for yourself, yknow what i mean? nowadays i tend to use lots of weird textured brushes + work on only one layer (which i hear is quite bad for when youre working on commissions, but i paint for myself so i dont gotta worry about correcting things all the time), and as a person struggling w/ a pretty severe case of OCD, i find it so liberating to be Forced to not give a shit through that painting method. just have fun! allow yourself to be messy, to make mistakes, and remember that you can just paint over them later. some of your ‘mistakes’ might even end up being the things that make your drawing look more interesting/organic, in the end! the ‘happy little accidents’ mindset just makes the whole process much more enjoyable imo :]

ALSO, an important thing to me was finding the right brushes for painting. just dl a shit ton of the ones that look fun to you (or make your own if your drawing program allows it!) and make an effort to try out each and every one of them at least once!! the brushes certainly arent that important-- you could paint a masterpiece with a simple square brush-- but more often than not i find my style being subtly influenced by the brushes that i use at the moment. its a thing worth considering!

another thing i should note is that, while im mostly happy with my art nowadays, i AM still learning, and i dont think i’ll ever stop learning, so, like, check in in a couple of years for some better tips i guess asuhdfuashfusdf

anyways, here are some resources that are/were very helpful to me:

when i need to browse for general art tips/tutorials/cheat sheets/etc, i usually go here: [link 1], [link 2], [link 3], [link 4], [link 5], 

now, here are some specific posts ive collected over the years that really made me rethink how i approach composition and the like in my, uh, more ‘serious’ paintings: [link 1], [link 2], [link 3], [link 4], [link 5]

this [link] video series is a Godsend, its got some very good advice AND its got nice editing too, my hellbrain was actually able to focus and learn smth from a video tutorial for once

heres a nice post about practice and improvement that you should deffo read before using all of these resources

i also find it very helpful to just.. look at art that inspires you/ that you find appealing Right before painting? that way all of the techniques you might pick up while staring at other peoples art will stay fresh in your mind, so you’ll be more likely to try em out. (setting a drawing that you really like as a phone/desktop bg works well too since youll inevitably stare at it quite often)

i also really like seeing other peoples process, so i tend to watch speedpaints/analyse process gifs & photosets a lot! seeing how messy and abstract most drawings are in the early stages of painting is really comforting/reassuring to me :] heres a couple for u: [link 1], [link 2], [link 3], [link 4], [link 5], [link 6], [link 7], [link 8], and finally, [link 9] and [link 10] (3, 9 and 10 are the ones that inspire me the most atm)

as a bonus, heres one from me as well! (usually i only post these on my patreon, but ik times are tough rn and any of your spare money could (and should) go to a far better cause) im putting it under a read more bc it contains blood and self-impalement, so beware! (bloodborne bosses, man) i might make a speedpaint in the future, too, so watch out for that!

#good luck! #hope you have fun :] #Anonymous #gif #blood

[trans-kafka]

Ahhhh... I have shaved my head, showered, washed my binder, and done my Duolingo for the day. Now it's time to drink water and tell my friends I love them. Even the most spiteful hellbrain can be tricked into moments of contentment.

#self care #good life advice #i am my own houseplant #i need more enrichment in my enclosure

[twilightofthe]

Get to know the writer

I was tagged by @rynae-reblogs thank you so much!!! ^_^

Instructions: tag 10 followers that you want to get to know better

Name:  I go by Clary or Morai on here, whatever y’all wanna call me honestly

Gender:  Female

Star Sign:  Taurus!

Height: 5ft 5.5 in, or I think around 166 cm

Sexuality:  Asexual, demiromantic, ??????. Lol but really no fucking clue who exactly I’m attracted to, still workin’ that out

Hogwarts House:  Gryffindor

Favorite Animal:  Cats, owls, and elephants!

Average Hours of Sleep:  Whenever my hellbrain makes me, there is absolutely no average lmao.  I think last night I actually got a lot, like about sssseven?

Current Time:  4:19 (sO CLOSE) pm EST 

Blankets You Sleep With:  We’re having a heat wave right now but also I’m scared of the dark so one cotton bedsheet to protect me from the nighttime demons

Dogs or Cats:  Both!  But I gotta say cats as my fave, I just love them

Dream Job:  Published author!

When I Made My Blog:  Hmmm, my main I made about 5 years ago in June, this sideblog I honestly cannot remember lol, it was the summer of 2018 I think????

Followers: 254 and I love each and every one of you!!!!!

Why I Made A Tumblr:  Because I was about 15 and I wanted someone to talk about Gravity Falls with right after it had just dropped its GIGANTIC plot bomb on us and then went into a midseason hiatus.  Then I got sucked into this hellhole of a site in general and was around right for the SW renaissance when TFA first dropped and gradually got sucked into SW tumblr as a viewer from afar.  I was still working out my opinions on everything and everyone and also was very intimidated by the fandom so I was a lurker for literally like three years.  Eventually around either last year or the year before, I figured that I might as well try and start a blog just to try and promote my fic if anything and also because I was tired of lurking, I had found some people on here that seemed really nice and I wanted to talk to them!  So I started up this sideblog as to not bug all my non-SW followers on main and began just chattering in the notes of as many people I admired as possible and vomiting out whatever BS hot takes I had at the moment, and, it kinda worked!  I have friends now!

Reasons For URL:  Well first I wanted my URL to be “Morai”, hence my profile pic, but that was taken, so I originally went with “m-o-r-a-i”, but I thought that looked too ugly, so eventually I came up with the one I have now.  It’s a riff on how Star Wars likes to use either the word “twilight” itself or the actual time of day to symbolize the point of no return in the narrative and I just think that’s cool.  I got the full “twilight of the” to honor the opening paragraphs of the Revenge of the Sith novelization where it goes “This is the twilight of the Jedi” and also from the Rebels episode “Twilight of the Apprentice”.

People I’d Like To Get To Know:  Uh oh.  I’m kinda in the midst of an anxiety spiral so I physically cannot bring myself to tag people, but seriously, if you follow me, I’d love if you did this and tagged me so I got to know you!  I love talking to everyone!!!!!!!!!!!!

#tag game #morai musings #not quite star wars

[rosesisupposes]

What a wonderful day to love and appreciate @potestessemagishomosexualitatis

Let me tell you about Lulu, the Luluve of my Life, my Luluvely Wife, aka @centrumlumina

I met her as a fellow AUddict - another writer, who couldn’t just have an AU idea. No, she plays them out, comes up with incredible dynamics, flips tropes in ways that prioritize different values and represent different groups, and always thinks about the implications of the extensive world building that comes about from her musings and brainstorming. It’s one of the things I love most about her writing- every world feels real, every struggle feels realistic, every resolution feels earned.

But she’s also much more than a writer! You may have seen some of the meta data she’s collected and compiled on the Sanders Sides fandom- like trying to determine the most popular ot3 names for tagging ease, or the incredibly illuminating and fascinating survey of human AU appearances. She is a data witch, able to make sense of piles of numbers in a way that gives it sense to the rest of us, too. And I don’t know if you know, but she’s also applied that data magic to the entirety of AO3 for several years running, looking at ships and particularly the representation in t most popular ships.

Because she’s not just a brilliant being of stardust and dreams- she’s an incredibly caring friend and someone who is constantly thinking about the impact of fandom on personal lives and vice versa. She manages a server where triggers are respected without fail or question, where we curtail negative self-talk to bring everyone up, but where someone is nearly always available to sympathize and send virtual hugs and support resource advice and links when needed in low moments.

She’s not immune to feeling down at times, but it only makes me love her more. She manages to do all this while also having fibro and in the midst of hellbrain thoughts around content creation. But there is never a moment when I think “why hasn’t she updated,” only “I’m so excited to read whatever she posts next.”

She is as brilliant as the stars she’s studied, as breathtaking as all the galaxies in the universe. I feel so lucky to be her friend 💖🌌💖

#roses speaks #roses is gay for her friends #my luluvely wife #friends #psa #tl:dr Lulu Is Wonderful

[leafenclaw]

OTP Playlist Tag

Tagged by @raeofalbion​ for any ship of mine. Thank you. ^^

Rules: create a five song playlist for one of your OTPs.

Tagging: Whoever wants to do it! =) @theteadetective​ and @sunnymentalist​ if you’re up for it? If not, it’s not a problem. ^^

So. Uhm. I’m sorry, I’m going to have to bend the rules a little because while I can certainly give you a list of five songs, they aren’t... well. I think we talked about how my hellbrain processes human voice as just another instrument (especially when it’s not in my native language), so I almost never bother with lyrics because I often cannot hear them?

Plus, songs to me are fluid, movement, so trying to make them fit a character (a static entity when on its own) makes no sense, unless we’re talking about how a character reacts. And then it’s not about the character anymore, it’s about how they react/interact with life, it becomes tied to the moment and events. 

Which means I don’t have ship playlists. Sorry. I’m just not wired that way.

What I do have is (extremely small) story playlists. But as pointed out above, I cannot pick them based on the lyrics, so instead I choose them based on the emotions they make me feel, and how well their colours match the story I’m trying to tell.

Good news is, I can show you. Sort of.

(First of all, necessary disclaimer: those pictures are composites made of several other pictures blended in Photoshop. I don’t own anything, and moreover I cannot credit anyone because I saved them years ago and didn’t keep the source, sorry. But they’re probably all very easy to find through a “fractal” search on google.)

So, ship! Sherlock and Jamie from Elementary, since they’re one of the two ships I have enough songs for to answer. Top picture is the colours they make together in my mind. On the left, Sherlock on his own, and on the right, Jamie. You can probably see a bit of what they bring to the ship colours individually. ^^

So, moving to the point of this post...

These are the colours I am trying to achieve on a story I started working on last summer. I gave it like five different temporary titles so even if I told you the one it has now, it probably wouldn’t tell you anything. XD But there’s bits and pieces of it scattered all over my “Six Sentences Sunday” tag if you're curious.

To pick songs that will fit a story, I hold all those colours together in my mind, and try to find songs that will match close enough both visually (with the colours) and emotionally (for the story’s overall mood <= based on how the song makes me feel rather than what it’s about, because very often what it’s about actually clashes with what I get from it).

For this story, so far I have:

“Paint it, Black”, cover by Ciara Dark purples and oranges on black background, with a few bright yellow... shooting stars? Fireworks? They move across the other colours quickly and leave a bit of a trail that fades eventually.

“Waves”, cover by We Are Sheppard Dark blue and purple, with flecks of yellowish white spiralling up and down the shapes, as if someone was moving a flashlight around and it caught on small patches of reflective fabric. (The original version of this song doesn’t have any yellow at all and a lot less purple, hence why I prefer this version for that story.)

“Someone You Loved”, instrumental cover by The Piano Guys White and very light yellow, with drops of red, blue, and green falling here and there, making concentric circles in the white/yellow shapes.

Unfortunately that would be all for that story, because I usually put a single song on repeat until I’m done. x) So, another one...

This is what I’m trying to get the PWP I’ve been working on to look like. I think I might have mentioned it before? It’s the one that accidentally grew a bit of plot (and waaaaay too many words) and is set between 7x12 and 7x13.

For this one I have:

“Lovestoned”, cover by Kaki King Grey-ish yellow thin/translucent shapes moving in an almost mechanical rhythm over a dark green fading to black background.

“Places Through Which We Move”, by R. Lacy and J.A. Thomas Starts bright yellow, slowly fades into a light green, then keeps evolving into a light blue that darkens to royal blue, and then back to dark teal until the song is over, with white sparkles coming and going like sunlight reflecting on water.

Bonus: “Final Conversation”, by The Butterfly Effect

I almost didn’t add this one because the lyrics actually fit too much for this story, except not in the way they seem at first glance (it has nothing to do with Sherlock’s bruised feelings re: Jamie’s behaviour), and also it’s 100% a coincidence because as usual I didn’t initially listen to the lyrics. But since I had already shared “Waves” with you last time we talked music, I sort of owed you one more.

Free yourself And cut away these ties You can go anywhere now Be anyone you want to be

Just stay tonight and never leave 'Cause in the morning we're going home Just stay here

The night could fall all over me And when it's over just let me go The night could fall all over me 'Cause in the morning we're going home

#meme #synaesthesia #ship: shading & penmanship #thank you for the tag! #sorry for being rubbish at this and for my terrible terrible music tastes! D: #hope you at least get some entertainment from the pictures lol #anyway #'Final Conversation' would be Jamie's mindset at the start of the story #and what she tells Sherlock after she realises he's still alive #she's a mess lol #completely unrelated #one day I'll find a story to match Praan by Gary Schyman #solely because that song makes me happy #and my ships deserve happiness

[norysanecdotes]

Me, playing dnd: I love this

ADHD Hellbrain the moment the party exceeds 3 people: [LOUD STATIC]

#adhd #actually adhd #dungeons and dragons #dnd 5e #mental health #mental disorder

[elliot-orion]

Writing Update 4/8/19

Word Count: 3285

Favorite Line: See upcoming excerpt i have not posted yet and so shall not be linking, and will definitely be too lazy to link once i have posted it. Just check my damn blog ok

Update: I did wind up writing an acceptable (to my hellbrain) number of words today! yay! i’m pretty proud of what i wrote actually? and this whole rewrite in fact. I’m really loving how its coming out and i feel the writing is actually. pretty good, for me at least. And like, I think i probably could have made the bit where Sparky is *redacted bc of spoilers* bc its a bit too distracted and probably should be more show don’t tell, but also, Sparky doesn’t do the whole show don’t tell thing, its just. really not his voice, and im not quite good enough with him to work showing into his voice. if that makes sense. But like, also with what’s happening, i don’t think he’d stay conscious for very long either so not sure how much showing would even get in there to begin with. you feel? Also, I’m proud of how im developing the triad’s relationship actually? Like i feel i’m balancing it pretty well, better than usual with Triads at least. I gave Hall some heartfelt moments, now Scout’s got some, and also i’m being more conscious of taking it slowwww.... i’ve got a bad habit of jumping straight into a relationship that would take some time to develop with the charaters involved and their traumas, bc i just wanna get straight to fluff. But im really trying to remind myself to take this slow, bc especially in this draft with Sparky as a Villain, he’s got an extra hard time trusting people, and it’s going to take quite some time before he trusts the two, especially since they are dating each other already which only complicates shit. So... yea. Also, I’m posting an excerpt next!! yay!!!! So stay tuned my friends!

#writing update

[ibitsuhebi]

peepingtoad replied to your post “super-kame-love replied to your post:        >> Anyone who correctly...”

I would have had no idea about the specifics of RSD but I was gonna guess in the region of ADHD in terms of fixations maybe? I read this late but hey, interesting stuff nonetheless.

        >> Some personal experiences below the cut~

                       It turned into an essay like the one from the other day so please enjoy.

    I have to think about this actually.  Have I ever hyperfixated on a person or a relationship in my life?  I’m actually thinking about this now and the implications of it.  I think the answer is no, I haven’t.  I don’t think my ADHD affects my relationships like that.  Most other people I know who have ADHD also have other disorders that affect their relationships so I can’t exactly ask them. 

    Honestly Orochimaru was experiencing RSD so mildly that I’m not surprised that people were focusing on Orochimaru’s fixation.  Nah the thing was uh the whole thing of “this person didn’t react the way I was expecting them to and it has now thrown me off in a way that is causing an emotional reaction that I am aware is illogical but because I am perceiving rejection my body is going to throw an emotional tantrum,” that was supposed to be the bullshit in the post, not the fact that he has feelings for Jiraiya.

     As far as the specifics with rsd... basically, people with ADHD have a brain structure that has a problem with fixations, yeah?  Well, sometimes the brain fixates on an emotion.  This is what causes Sensitive Bitch Disorder -- I mean Rejection-Sensitive Dysphoria.  In a moment, the ADHD hellbrain can take the impulse of “hurt” or “anger” and find that it can’t get off the fixation on that impulse when for a neurotypical brain it would pass.  Personally, I just have to cry it out usually, which can be hard because sometimes I’m in the middle of an important conversation or I’m deadass at work and around customers.  But once I vent it (sometimes I need some reassurance too if there’s like a build up of things that has caused me to perceive and there’s a feedback loop of my brain giving me evidence why the world hates me), I’m usually fine.  It doesn’t linger.  It just goes away.

      Like, I get the thing of “well everyone gets upset sometimes,” but the reality of the matter is that for people with ADHD that includes RSD (a large majority of them), the intensity and chronic nature of these mood shifts is what makes it a disorder.  There’s also more to it that involves expectations and shit.  There was a link to some articles from ADDitude magazine at the bottom of my other post that talk about how RSD works and all the stuff it’s tied up in.

    There’s also the fact that like most fucking clinicians don’t know what the fuck this is and it gets misdiagnosed as a mood disorder, a social phobia (I actually looked back through some old visitation notes from my old pcp and found that she’d been diagnosing me with agoraphobia), or god forbid bpd which is apparently something its been mistaken for before

     [Leans into microphone] clinicians diagnosing bpd in people who show rsd symptoms actually just don’t understand bpd and have never heard of rsd because no one knows about it so they just assume that if someone is paranoid and has a skewed self-image and irrational mood swings that it must be bpd instead of like, anything other than that.  It shows a marked amount of misunderstanding among mental health professionals about bpd in general that rsd has ever been misdiagnosed as it and I find that frustrating on both behalf of people with adhd who end up misdiagnosed and those with bpd who have to deal with doctors who don’t fucking know anything about what they’re trying to treat.

    [eats the microphone] yes my informative post about adhd and rsd somehow turned into me ranting about bpd misinformation and dumb idiot doctors 

    [Swallows microphone into throat] Also I recognize that some of my language makes it seem like ADHD and BPD are mutually exclusive disorders but I know two people who have them both which makes sense because they affect different parts of the brain but also can I just say that these people are amazing and deserve so much for being anything close to a functioning human person and I have so much respect for them

    thank u for coming to my TEDtalk

#peepingtoad #ooc #outofboopsnoots; #hi my name is nory and im just gonna yell about brains to everyone on my anime rp blog for some reason #yeah this isn't directed at anyone i just like to yell like #i'm passionate about this and i want to share and combat misinformation the best i can #i also need to sleep because i have to wake up in 7 hours for work but guess what i did instead

[gumdecay]

i just want to be comfortable!! i want to live in a place i can be however im feeling at that moment w/o worrying that ppl will think im someone different than i was before.. i want to live in a place i can make noise and breathe without worrying that ppl are annoyed having to hear me.. and like thanks 2 my trauma hellbrain that’s not gnna happen until i live on my own and Also thanks 2 my trauma hellbrain i cant afford 2 live on my own bc disability is only $750 a month section 8 isn’t available anywhere near me and rent is at least $500 and that’s in a house w 3 other people!! i was so so so so hopeful that i would be able to breathe here but they cleaned the place for the meeting and it hasn’t been clean since, i had a nightmare abt the one guy living here the.. second?? night i was here and now im scared 2 be around him, he still hasn’t signed the rental agreement that he asked me to leave on the table a week ago that he sits in front of every day, and im too scared to remind him abt it bc hes seen it every day for a week!! i cant get food without that signature, i cant evn apply and the longer i wait the longer it’s gonna take to get approved, and i have no money to buy more food once i run out of what i have!! i tried so hard not to think of this as a rescue but i did and now im disappointed and just as sad and scared as always and i still can’t breathe!! the only work available to me is tarot which no one wants to pay for and sex work which im not comfortable doing nymore bc my boyfriend wants to be exclusive!! i have no support irl other than my mom and i cant go to her bc her husband is disgusting and awful and i dont know what to do!! i am so tired of waiting and begging and working for things to be better and they never fucking are and im tired of pretending to be happy and im tired of wanting to end it just so i dont have to be miserable anymore!!! i don’t have my psych meds anymore and i know id be at least a little better if i did but i dont want to see a fucking therapist anymore bc theyre all useless garbage ableist assholes and at this point id literally rather die than try to find one who doesnt make things worse bc they dont exist lol!! its a saturday night and im alone as always and i feel so fucking empty and im honestly ready to overdose AGAIN and hope that this time my miserable fucking body actually dies lol!! the only good things in my life are 3 friends who live thousands of miles away that ill probably never see, my dog who i dont get to see anymore unless i go 2 my moms house, and my family who i have to deal with my moms shitty fucking husband any time i want to see, and my boyfriend who never ever places me in an important position in his life and never makes time for me and won’t ever know me or be able to really love me bc im too fucking scared to show him how fucked up and pathetic i am!! lol!! all of this needs to go in my journal but my arthritis has been killing me for days bc this body is useless and im crying too hard to try and fuck with putting this in the tags and none of it matters bc theres only 3 ppl who care abt me and i dont know how the fuck to talk to them so they might as well not evn care lol!! this is the most suicidal ive been in years and i dont know what to do every time i think im getting better i get worse and nothing ever changes and when it does it isnt good enough for me!! like literally what is the fucking POINT of waiting for things to get better if every time they do i need them to be better still????? i dont even want that much but its still asking for too much lol!!