#hate myself for wording it like that | Explore Tumblr Posts and Blogs

watermelonsloth · 4 months

Text

I think the reason why Naruto fans get so passionate and upset about the series is because of how real it can be. Naruto isn’t about paragon heroes outdoing dastardly villains. It’s about human beings fighting tooth and nail to survive in a world surrounded by death. It’s about broken systems made and perpetuated by broken people.

The Hyuga clan isn’t just antagonistic or pretentious, they practice slavery.

The Uchiha clan weren’t just killed by some raging psychopath, they were systematically massacred.

Itachi isn’t just cruel to Sasuke because he’s a bad brother, he’s cruel because he’d been told time and time again that you can only survive by being cruel and he wants nothing more than for Sasuke to survive.

Nagato isn’t trying to take over the world just for the sake of power, he’s trying to take over the world because it beat him down to the point of believing that the only chance at peace there is is the world being forced into compliance through fear.

Iruka isn’t hard on Naruto just because he’s a strict teacher, he’s hard on Naruto because he knows from experience how unforgiving the world is towards orphans.

Kakashi isn’t just some silly and slightly lazy teacher, he’s a contract killer still grieving his loved ones and struggling to do better without knowing how he’s supposed to.

Sakura isn’t just a fangirl, she’s a normal girl in a very dangerous and abnormal world constantly being made to choose between what she’s supposed to do and what she feels.

Sasuke isn’t just some edgelord, he’s a survivor who lost everything then gets repeatedly told that he has to choose between keeping what he’s gained and doing better than his brother.

Naruto isn’t just trying to be the best Hokage there ever was, he’s trying to prove his worth to a society that abandoned him just for existing and, in a way, confirm his worth to himself.

The Naruto story is about humans trying to force themselves into the role of weapons because that’s what they were told they had to be. It’s a story where everyone is a perpetrator but no one is trying to do wrong. It’s a story where everyone is a victim but no one is a perfect victim.

The world and the characters aren’t simple and trying to simplify them only takes away from them. So of course we get passionate about showing off all the reasons why they shouldn’t be simplified and all of the ways they’re complicated. Of course we get upset when we see others simplifying them or selling certain aspects of their characters short. Of course we get upset when the series itself simplifies them. Of course we get upset when the series chooses to abandon them. Because it not only feels like the characters are giving up, it feels like the series is betraying anyone who chose to get invested in its complexities.

867 notes · View notes

jerswayman · 1 month

Text

"what!? you got a warning? for jumping and things?" "for coming in too hot"

#jeremy swayman #linus ullmark #swaymark #boston bruins #bruins #hockeyedit #nhledit #j made a thing #otp: never fucking separate #i hate making subtitled gifsets but i feel like i haven't seen this interview gifed on here so decided to do it myself #also one thing i've noticed being a someone who gifs sway every other day is that his mouth does not move enough #for the amount of words that come out of it #like it'll open once and five words come out somehow #gifset series: hockey moments that make me insane

242 notes · View notes

maulfucker · 8 months

Text

So fucked up that obimaul is a rarepair. What do you mean not everyone is obsessed with enemies to lovers with a Force connection, where one side is completely obsessed with the other who barely acknowledges him (but is just as affected)

#hm i should make an original post tag #obimaul #like. say what you want but obi-wan saw a random dathomirian zabrak and immediately went 'maul?? alive??'#he DOES care about maul he just doesn't actively seek him out like maul does #post prompted by this song that makes me think about Maul in his crime lord era‚ all the luxury of the world within his reach‚#but none of it satisfies him because what he really wants is to find (and kill) kenobi #'another night up in the best suite; everything's gone wrong already‚ my body admits; dreaming so high the floor is the limit;#once again i got lost.. [...] another night i give myself‚ top of a skyscraper; i'm the king of the world‚ dreams for rent;#and when i look at myself i sigh with a low voice‚ 'i don't feel bad i just feel nothing''#(<- song is são paulo‚ 2015 by jão)#it's a song about feeling dissatisfied with the life of fame because there's an emptiness he can't fill with sex drugs or luxuries #and from the context of the album it's likely he's thinking about a past lover he's still not over #so. imagine with me.#i might make something out of this. maybe.#but like. posting about songs that make me think obimaul thoughts. not very productive. almost no audience.#... and while making this post i've been attacked by yet another song with a very obimaul words #'lie to me‚ run from me‚ we swear it doesn't count‚ in this way of ours‚ but it's not because i hate you that i can't kiss you anymore'#<- pilantra by jão and anitta

270 notes · View notes

imjustheloser · 8 months

Text

the thing about sebaciel is not that only ciel is faced by the confusion of their bond but sebastian is too like he is baffled he can't believe what he is feeling he is obsessed with his little master he can't live without him oh he wants his soul but the thought of being without ciel scares him oh he wants he wants more he needs to consume he needs to be close more close inside open him up be enter his body but how can a devil feel that way that's not proper that's not okay it's not supposed to go like that he is not supposed to feel that way about a simple human but oh is his young master a simple human? no but

#sebaciel #my stupid thoughts #using this app like its twitter #my little silly ideas diary #for my target audience #which is myself #for me #i hate sebastian #hope i show it properly #i dnt know how to english sorry #making up words or something while writing

233 notes · View notes

metatronhateblog · 9 months

Text

As you all know by now

Metatron is sus af. And if you haven't noticed, or you live under a rock (no judgement here) I'm here to add some interesting things I have noticed as someone so obsessed with this show I can only see in the colors and outlines of Good Omens at any given moment.

Fair warning, the only theories or analysies I see are sent to me by my sister, or appear on my dash (and I don't follow many Good Omens blogs that theorize.) So if any of this has been stated or pointed out before, apologies. I'm trapped in tunnel vision mixed with an aching brain.

This one's a doozy and a conglomeration of stuff that I have noticed that I'm not sure actually hold any significance so hang in there, it's worth it.

SO. Let's dive in.

First things first, lots of different theories going around, not sure I believe a lot of them but am fully willing to indulge, and admire the effort people put it. I'm not a huge fan of the 'Metatron poisoned Aziraphale theory' but I have a feeling this post might possibly give those girlies a little 'W.' We'll see, I have various points to touch on.

Something fucked is going on with Metatron. For starters it's very uncomfortable to me, and hits very strangely that no one recognizes him (except Crowley.) Which is so strange because we previously see Michael, Uriel, Gabriel, and Saraqael all in a meeting with the Metratron about....oh maybe ten minutes prior, not to mention Muriel and Crowley were there witnessing it also??? Hello? Why does only Crowley recognize this person that this group of people have seen (Saraqael and Muriel only moments before at the same time as Crowley.)

So how come Crowley is the only one who recognized him??? Sus to me. Any thoughts as to why cause I have none....

But then things to me seem to get a little weirder. I enjoy playing with audio, cutting out background audio and emphasizing little things that might sounds strange to me. And I went through checking all of episode 6 for any weirdly placed miracle noises or waving of hands, and I came up with three things (one of them was actually from episode 5 though).

1.) There's a miracle noise after Aziraphale asks Metatron what they'll be doing in heaven and Metatron responds with 'It's something we call the Second Coming.' This one, with a lot of back tracking and examining other scenes, I've come to the conclusion is simply the elevator being summoned, though I do find it strange to hear the noise yet not see that miracle happen.

2.) In episode 5, during The Ball ™️, Maggie walks up to Nina who is sitting in a chair and offers a hand to dance. Aziraphale, my beloved, is watching so happily and excitedly from the side while holding a tray of hors d'oeuvres. Right when Nina grabs Maggie's hand there's a miracle noise. I'm not sure if it's part of the overall thing Aziraphale has cast over the bookshop, or if it's him from the side and we once again don't see it...(which feels weird) but it's there. And if it is because of the overall miracle cast over the shop then why don't we hear that sound every time something happens that is effected by said miracle. Something is weird about that one to me, but that's not Metatron related sorry. (Here's a screenshot from the exact moment if anyone is wanting to go looking for it.)

And 3.) My big one. This noise is...so unsettling to me. The first time I heard it I flinched. I still cannot figure out if it's part of the soundtrack or if it is a separate noise that segues into the soundtrack or not. But this one. So when Metatron originally enters the bookshop there is obviously a commotion and then once he gets everyone to leave, he looks at Aziraphale and tells him he wants to speak with him or have 'a chinwag' (weirdly Earth term if you ask me) and then offers Aziraphale a coffee who then takes it and sips it blah blah blah we all know that part. But then Metatron says something...weirder. He mentions that he's also consumed things before...which...makes something about him feel all the weirder. He then again asks Aziraphale to chat with him. Aziraphale hesitates and looks to Crowley who is lounging behind him who tells him to go ahead because the 'day can't get any weirder.'

Immediately following that is where I am horribly sus. Aziraphale looks at Metatron who gives him this kind smile and ushers him forward, and once Aziraphale can't see them anymore, Metatron turns a glare onto Crowley, who I'm not sure if we see him acknowledge this sudden cold change.

But that's not the sus part. In my opinion the sus part is the audio. THE MOMENT his demeanor changes to glare at Crowley. We get this little....noise that sounds like a deep kinda dark little twinkle of some sort (and holy shit I'm screaming over this noise because upon checking the official soundtrack the noise is not there) that sounds like magic is happening. And it just. I have listened to the dark way the soundtrack picks up and listened to it through over and over searching for any more signs of that out of place noise and I CAN'T FIND IT. So because I care deeply and am not going to make you people go hunting for this one, I have a screen recording of the audio clip. I kinda took the audio of an actual miracle noise first (I was using it as my reference) and then all the audio surrounding that noise and reduced it, but kept that noise kinda emphasized by not touching it at all. (My apologies now because my editing audio isn't the greatest, I'm no professional, and I did get the first notes of the soundtrack starting in there too.)

HOLY SHIT????? HELLO???? What was that dark little sound there??? I don't know if anyone else has pointed it out but if you have you're amazing and I love you.

BUT WHAT THE FUCK???? I'm sitting here trying to figure out what that strange little audio blip is right there because if I'm correct and when Metatron tells Aziraphale 'the Second Coming' followed by the miracle noise I believe to be summoning the elevator???? Then what is that sinister little???? Almost miracle sounding noise there???? My goodness.

That being said, I did check through the audio in other places, trying to listen real close (and if anyone else is good with audio and can actually find it, then please share I wanna know) and I heard no miracle noises during their kiss scene or when Crowley gets in the Bentley and the Nightingale starts playing. (Disclaimer that could just be because of my hearing loss, so if it is there and you can isolate it, I'd love to hear.) I tried, I searched endlessly to try and help you guys with your theories but I found nothing. I will say though, a bell tolls very frequently in the show when something significant happens and there's a bell toll right as our beloved angelic beings pull away from their kiss.

Now that I've pointed out the strange little audio things I personally have noticed, I want to move on to more colloquial audio and less background noises.

I wanna talk more along the lines of this post by @meatballlady (sorry for tagging you I wanted to give you credit where it's due.)

After seeing this post and doing a rewatch of the show, I have been working more at trying not to make assumptions and trying to think of the ways different things can be taken.

Well the Metatron says something that I think maybe we should focus more on the different things if could mean???

This thing is said (i believe during Aziraphale's retelling of what the Metatron said to him) but also right after another one of those moments of misinterpreting the meaning of what someone's being said. This happens after Muriel interprets Crowley's 'Us time' to include them.

The line I'm thinking of here is

"I've been idling back on a number of your...previous exploits, and I've seen that in quite a few of them you've formed a de facto partnership with the Demon Crowley. Now if you wanted to work with him again, that might be considered irregular, but it would certainly be within your jurisdiction to restore your friend...Crowley...to full angelic status."

Holy shit there's a lot to unpack in that, both for Aziraphale and us. this whole thing could be interpreted multiple ways, I think, and that's why I've included this whole quote rather than just the specific line. It's a lot said in one go with multiple things that are....worded interesting. For a start.

Exploits -

Several different meanings both in the words form as a verb and a noun, and Metatron puts an emphasis on 'previous exploits.' So how is he using the word? Noun meaning bold and daring? Probably not a software tool. What about a verb? 'derive benefit from' is an interesting way to put it. 'Use a situation or person in an unfair or selfish way.' There's plenty of options here. And to say that he is using one specific meaning of the word would be assuming that you know for sure what he's saying. And when it comes down to it, we don't. After all doesn't this season play a lot with the misinterpreting of what someone is saying?

Let's continue.

de facto partnership - is technically an informal arrangement generally for business, formed by two or more parties.

Which is cool, but that's not the emphasized word here. The word Metatron seems to hang on is 'partnership.'

Partnership -

At this point it feels like an almost sterile way to talk about their very clear relationship together. But strange that he hesitates on the word.

The thing I really wanna talk about is

"...restore your friend...Crowley...to full angelic status."

Restore -

Now everyone, Aziraphale included seemed to interpret this as 'reinstate' your friend Crowley. And again it would be very presumptuous to think that it could ONLY mean giving Crowley a position in Heaven next to Aziraphale.

One of those meanings in there says something along the lines of 'to return it to its original condition.' And we all immediately go 'well that would be an angel of course.' But we forget to take the time to realize that...as an angel, Crowley wasn't a demon. He didn't have all the memories and experiences as such. In fact, it feels hinted at throughout this season that Crowley doesn't have all his memory from his time as an angel. And who's to say that if he was restored to angelic status that wouldn't mean wiping him of his memory of his time on Earth? Who's to say that the Metatron isn't implying here that this is another way to make Aziraphale compliant while also keeping him separated from Crowley.

We all know as a team those two will 'raise Earth' for lack of a better term against Heaven and Hell to prevent Armageddon. They are their own side. And I think Metatron knows he has no chance of the Second Coming if those two are still working together.

Who's to say that Metatron wouldn't put limitations or a status quo on the allowances of Crowley returning to Heaven. He can't ensure that Crowley wouldn't cause problems, he can't ensure his trust.

Sorry if all of this has already been said and pointed out, but I personally haven't seen any of it and needed to get it off my chest before I exploded.

#good omens #good omens 2 #ineffable husbands #crowley #aziraphale #metatron #metatron meta post #meta #i really hate metatron #good omens 2 spoilers #good omens spoilers #good omens season 2 #sorry for the long post with a lot of words #i have a history in theory making and it's been a long time since I've done anything like this #I have to find a way to prevent myself from getting more and more obsessed with this show.

210 notes · View notes

naneki-maid · 6 months

Text

just finished reading the Age of Innocence and the last line that Archer speaks to himself, sitting on the bench outside Madame Olenska’s Paris balcony after not seeing her in almost 30 years has left me unwell.

“It’s more real to me here than if I went up.”

Cancel all my calls. I will be bedridden for several days. thanks.

#the age of innocence #edith wharton #Edith you monster. read those last few pages through TEARS. would not stop #american literature #classic literature #1920 #1921 Pulitzer Prize winner #quotes #writing #newland archer you rat bastard!!! I hate you so much!#Madame Ellen Olenska has never done anything wrong ever #💗💗💖#I played myself.#I thought it wouldn’t end like this…#I wanna know more about her…was my lady happy after all those years? did she ever think about him? sobbing at her feet?#faaaack 🙃😭😭💗#words

82 notes · View notes

coolnonsenseworld · 1 year

Text

I wanted to say that outside of semantics and divisions - I am simply happy to find communities that welcome with kindness - that welcome you by a good heart and not the ability to conform. I am happy for the opportunity to be surrounded by people who care. It's a funny world we live in - making the same mistakes over and over, multiplying the same suffering by billions. I don't think I hope for an utopia anymore, I don't think such a thing exists - but you can't call me hopeless either. And that's what matters.

As a side note - this piece is set in DanceAU, which might be better known to Patrons so far, but still it was the best and most fitting option for this occasion..... also there are 12 DanceAU pieces incoming, because I might be making another calendar so. get familiar with these mutts

#klance #voltron legendary defender #klance fanart #priDEMONth #you know there is always so much happening idk what to add in the tags #i made banana bread yesterday and almost burned the kitchen (right after i asked myself how bad can it be?) i am not kidding #and then burned my arm twice trying to avoid a burn which is top ten ways to get them #its okay tho it doesnt hurt anymore #there was also my nameday which I forgot about and had a headache thorough #also when i was drawing i was considering that lance is maybe a bit too tall on this piece #he IS taller but bending like that with keith standing straight?#i mean gay?#idk about that #but i decided not to worry danceau always has heels for that #i also have been so deep in wirting hex if you dont know whats hex dw you shouldnt #but i have this love hate relationship with it everyone knows it its a sinusoid #im on my happy phase with it lately #no one jinx it it better last #all i wanted was bamf rescues and cliche tropes and now im trying to do them justice in 200 thousand words or less idk why #they could have been just fighting demons and cuddling #either way happy pride once again!!

318 notes · View notes

bowserssupermariopartylaugh · 1 year

Text

no but in regards to that other post, i really am in love with the hc of the two ways bowser and mario express their attachment to luigi, regarding his safety

Where while mario is overprotective, something born of like a lifelong anxiety over his little brother—

Bowser goes through a couple stages. Where at first he believes luigi is weak and defenseless, a belief born from always seeing mario on the frontlines.

But ofc as he gets to know luigi, he eventually sees that luigi is the opposite. That he isn't inherently weak for allowing himself to be vulnerable. That he is fiercest when it comes to standing up for the things and people he believes in (a ferocity he's exhibited on bowser's behalf, most notably)

And so bowser eventually becomes self assured when it comes to luigi, and luigi's ability to handle himself. (One of his few (but major) motivations for keeping an eye out for luigi is his own desire to not make luigi constantly fend for himself, even if bowser knows he can.)

But another reason bowser's so self assured, is because he has /unwavering/ faith in the /fact/—the FACT—that /no one/ will mess with what's his. And bowser ensures this by making it /very known/ that luigi is, /unsparingly/, his.

And i just think thats hot 💀😭😭😭😭

#my brainrot #bowuigi #hcs #hc #ship dynamics #fic ideas #for me at least #if only i could bring myself to write more than a few hundred words at a time #but man any variation of that last hc gets me 💀#that he KNOWS fucking NOBODY would daaare touch luigi #one of my fav tropes #has me stomping my foot lmao #like YES #THIS #at myself lmao #excuse my cringe #oh an this isnt some kind of mario hate lmao #im not saying either of these dynamics are inherently better or worse than the other

445 notes · View notes

dollsome-does-tumblr · 8 days

Text

today is one of those days where i'm really grumpy at writing. like, for reals?? i'm wasting my one wild and precious life trying and failing to do THIS dumb activity for NO DISCERNIBLE REASON???

#i cannot jumpstart this attempted novel project for the life of me #(i haven't shared it with anyone at all and maybe it's that. no one knows anything about it but me and it's 20k+ and i'm going mad)#i don't think i have it in me to write a novel the way i did in pre-pandemic reality #my brain is just GONE in terms of having the ability to do sustained focus work #blahhhhhh!!!!!!!!!!!!#okay i just needed to vent. thanks y'all!!!#now i'm going to grant myself permission to stop failing at a word doc and go do something else like a person #i tried okay. i tried. sort of. i wrote maybe like half a page today. blahhhhhhhh!!!!!!#dollsome's deep thoughts #i hate u writing ............. we r enemies this day ....... grrrrrrrr ............ 😡😡😡

28 notes · View notes

lunarharp · 4 months

Text

"Found out" set in kind of a made-up chapter where the girls are in trouble, or something.

#witch hat tag #orufrey #i hate having a strong cinematic image in your mind for months..working hours on it..& at the end looking you have to be like “Sure. :/"#i'm especially unsatisfied with the beginning and the end and how i can't get eyebrows to work as i want #but i dont care any more... this is probably the comic that has given me the most trouble ever i just dont care #i barely even care whatsoever if anyone even sees this..Ugh..but at least i can move on to the next era now #i'm just annoyed i cant get out good enough my image of qifrey flinching bc he thinks oru will hit him but then he is not hit #i feel like sensei will do something along these lines. i want to see what she will do.#there are also other variations i have in my mind. i just want to know #i just don't want it to happen with qifrey on his deathbed or something. but it possibly will. I DONT EVEN KNOW.#i have another very cinematic image in my mind for something sort of along those lines which i will do soon. it never ends...#btw after this is probably my fics. yeah.... i think it has to be my fics. jasmine sort of goes along these lines #i need that space for dialogue. look - i'm a writer. this is HARD for me. so i am really glad i had the space and freedom of words #to process all the feelings. but i tried to get something out in a quick visual space too. <- me defending myself to myself at cai court #anyway going along the lines of 'Jasmine' - they talk this out and argue and cry and oru pushes the hat at him and tells him #why not just erase every memory i have of you then. That would be easier for us all wouldn't it?#they kiss and sob and kiss and lie outside in the flowers for many hours in that one. and then there's 'Deep End' where it turns out #way way way way more time and words is needed for this actually and that's upsetting for everyone.#the destruction of the hat is certainly another path to take. Can you make this work without that hat going up in flames?#something you have always had and have been clinging to will have to be destroyed. You have to lose something now. This is the crux qifrey #I CANT GET IT OUT IN ONE COMIC!!! I CANT DRAW IT OUT!!!! I NEEDED THOSE FICS!!!! PRAISE WORDS!!!! whatever im going to have dinner now

44 notes · View notes

tombstoneswerewaiting · 6 months

Text

PETER PLEASE

#i need someone to take spotify away from me bc the lyric parallels i’ve been finding ? no thank u #i do this to myself #like i actively search them out #and hate myself for it every time #it’s pete’s fault he wrote the damn words #fall out boy #fob #pete wentz #patrick stump #andy hurley #joe trohman #from under the cork tree #infinity on high #save rock and roll #7 minutes in heaven #where did the party go #fame < infamy #the phoenix

59 notes · View notes

buttercupshands · 15 days

Text

wait a minute

stop.

stop it.

#bnha #bnha manga spoilers #mha spoilers #mha 423 #I didn't hate this chapter before that #but now I am #because this is just cruel level of REMEMBER THIS?????#yes. I do remember this. I rewatched and reread this arc VERY recently #so... he killed Kurogiri with a punch like the one he did in USJ and again to save Izuku #I don't care honestly.#I reread this chapter and I cried again bc I REALLY refused to believe that Kurogiri died then #but he did with a death words to Shirakumo's friends and recall of old chapters #even if people want Tenko alive I doubt that Kurogiri will ever materialize again #and I'm deadly serious when I say that this is the worst part of this chapter #I worried for Kurogiri's existence ever since it was revealed that Shirakumo is in there #but that literally took FIVE YEARS TO APPEAR AGAIN HAVING AN IMPORTANT ROLE #and he left while crumbling just like Tomura's body before Katsuki hit him #and the last thing he thought about was about protecting Tomura even though he was partly Shirakumo's dead corpse appearing more and more #even Mic now understood that it's really is him in a way ending his arc from back in Tartarus with Aizawa #and you know what's worse??? TOMURA KNOWS THIS #the way he used “...........” with Kurogiri's name while the page literally showed his black smoke disappearing was heartbreaking before #it's worse now #like... okay he's dying too and he doesn't even know if spinner is ALIVE or not and he saw Kurogiri disappear #all while protecting him from harm one last time #AND WE STILL HAVE NO FUCKING FLASHBACKS OF HIS TIME WITH TOMURA OUTSIDE OF WHAT WE HAD IN MANGA #I'm getting more and more furious by the minute HAHA #I need to find that one sketch I did way back in 2019 with them after spoilers of Kurogiri in Tartarus #I NEED SOMETHING LIKE THAT NOW AND I CAN'T DRAW #I want to just curl up and cry myself to sleep like a 13 y.o that found out the bird that she looked after died while she was sleeping #kurogiri

29 notes · View notes

mulders-too-large-shirt · 9 days

Text

season 1 episode 13 thoughts

A SCULLY EPISODE!!!! i was overjoyed and then i felt deep and immeasurable grief as the minutes went by.

she wants to leave her christmas tree up all year <3 she's a good cook <3 her dad calls her starbuck <3

but her dad is being avoidant! he didn't even say i love you when he left!

! dana scully lore reveal ! her dad lowkey sucks!!!

and then he IMMEDIATELY DIED right after! that is sick and twisted. why do they make my girl endure such pain.

the next note i made for the episode was "omg windows you have to crank!" which was a brief moment of levity among the Sorrow. except even the guy doing the said window cranking was kidnapped right after. still, the novelty of it all!

when scully came into work even though her dad had just died... we see mulder call her "dana" for the first time... she was visibly taken aback by this... and mumbled her name back to herself... my heart was melting out of my body

and when i thought i was going to already collapse from the "dana" moment, he tells her she should take some time for herself and then. softly cups her cheek. and strokes it with his thumb. holy fuck i nearly sobbed. it was the softest thing i have ever seen. what the hell man.

he has this instinctive need to touch her. to use his touch to keep her safe or bring her comfort. it will be psychoanalyzed at a later date from me but for now, know i am noticing the motifs.

(also, when he finally left his office, we see that he kept the hat from the alien obsessed guy in episode 10... good to know this is a man who takes souvenirs. take him to the zoo and see what he comes back with)

so then we cutscene to her dad's funeral and we learn that her father was in the navy- perhaps this is why he is unduly harsh. and then we got ANOTHER scene that beat my heart into a pulp: scully turning to her mom and asking "was he proud of me?" her mom waits for a beat and says "he was your father". HEY! THAT'S NOT AN ANSWER!!!!!!!!!

(who wouldn't be proud of scully? i'm taking names. write them down)

when interrogating the death row psychic mulder once again said "i want to believe" and i once again wrote in my episode notes "HE SAID THE LINE!"

interesting that this is an episode where scully believes and mulder doesn't, almost immediately from the beginning of the episode. but the psychic says stuff her dad would say and therefore she gets emotionally invested even though mulder says it's nonsense, and that this guy is setting them a trap because mulder got him put on death row. and when she listens to the psychic's clue and find evidence at an abandoned warehouse, mulder yells at her for putting herself in danger. to which she said:

"i thought you'd be pleased i opened myself to extreme possibilities"

scully i am REACHING through the screen and telling you i'm proud of you in case no one ever did that before

(and MAYBE mulder yelling at her for putting herself in danger because he thinks he needs to protect her WAS deeply satisfying but still. read the room my king)

(also revealed in this scene: mulder is a jimi hendrix fan. i am tucking this knowledge in my pocket and storing it safely)

then the psychic decided to reveal some of her personal memories and we learn she stole a cigarette when she was 14 and she thought it was disgusting but she wanting to do something they would disapprove of. and she was so scared but so excited. are you kidding me? are you absolutely kidding me. the need to rebel from an assigned role in which she feels she MUST be perfect has haunted her from a young age, and when she finally did something her parents really disprove of- joined the FBI instead of working as a doctor- she's met with rejection. so now we know she's had this terrible need to do what pleases those she loves and to break that is a rush from its inherent moral Wrongness. the isolation of being the Good Child who does what She's Told vs. the isolation of being the Less Good Child who loses their parent's approval. that terrible ache of knowing you once pleased them and now you don't. the conditional nature of affection. ohhhhh good lord.

later mulder gets shot and scully thinks the psychic lured him into a trap which leads to her screaming at him (like SERIOUSLY screaming) that if mulder dies, she'll kill the psychic herself. now this was especially crazy because we have only at this point seen her yell once before which was in episode 8, but this was 10x that intensity. also wild for revealing that she will kill anyone who hurts mulder. once again i say holy FUCK.

mulder is wheeled in to the hospital and still telling her not to believe him, says that he's luring her into another trap. at this point i was yelling "TELL MULDER HE KNEW ABOUT YOUR DAD!" but she was too deep in the grief to bring it up

(throughout the entire episode she is hallucinating her dad in places he isn't, which is arguably far more impactful than just seeing her cry)

when the psychic reveals the location of the murderer and they go to check it out, scully straight up shoots the suspect. she is NOT playing around, y'all. i think this is the first time we see her shoot someone, which is already a lot to unpack. but then she doesn't follow the killer because the psychic had warned her against it and in this way he saves her life.

then she says thank you to the psychic, who says "come to my execution and i'll give your father's message to you" and she DOESN'T GO. mulder asks her why, because now he seems to think that psychic dude really WAS telling the truth, and she no longer does:

"why can't you believe?" "because i'm scared"

she's scared!! she's scared to believe. she's scared to know what is out there and she seemed scared to know what her father had to say. isn't there enough uncertainty in this world ruled by facts and science? what could the possibilities be like beyond that? why believe in what you cannot control? she says she knew what he would say because "he's my father". is that enough for her? or was she too frightened to hear that he wasn't proud of her?

overall i've said "holy fuck" like a LOT during this recap and i truly feel that those are the only words i have for the situation. getting to see more scully lore was EXACTLY what i was hoping for and i'm so pleased but also so so so sad. like she keeps her christmas tree up and she's a good cook and she has this terrible need for her father's approval that he won't give and then he goes and dies. i need about 10 beach episodes to make up for the sadness here. chris carter i'm in ur walls.

#also: mulder is acts of service/touch love language coded and i'm thinking words of affirmation for scully #like i know the whole love language model is problematic but if i see it i'm gonna say it. sorry.#geez i feel like i need a nap after that. what the fuck. my sweet poor scully.#i felt her becoming a character i am going to stan for the rest of my life during this #oh did i see a bit of myself in her? MIND UR BUSINESS!!!#juni's x files liveblog #txf #the x files #dana scully #<- adding that tag because i did a LOT of character analysis here and moving forward i'll maybe make those their own posts #once i have more of the show under my belt i'll do my character analysis posts like i do on my main for sylvie #haven't done it in a while on main though because i hated loki s2 lmao not much to work with!

22 notes · View notes