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oshiawaseni · 1 year

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Japan’s concept of confession and why Ochaco might not confess

“Confession” is a big deal in a country as subtle as Japan. Not all people have the courage to confess, but when starting official relationships confessions are often expected. This is what I know confessions to be like in the world of manga: Person A talks alone with Person B and shares with them the secrets of their heart. “I like you please accept my feelings.” This usually ends either with them going out or A being rejected by B. The usual reason for the rejection is “I like someone else.”

I’ve been having some more ideas about the day Izuku fell into Kacchan’s arms and how what Kacchan did for him was almost confessional in a way. He told Izuku what was in his heart, why he bullied him and that no matter how much he tried, he just couldn’t escape him. He called him “Izuku” and we saw the impact this had on Izuku’s face.

Izuku just couldn’t believe that Kacchan was calling his name properly for the first time in 12 years, it completely shocked him, and after apologising for everything, he told Izuku, “Come home, let’s do this together. We need to help each other in this fight against AFO.”

The conclusion of this confession was that Izuku acquiesced to 1-A’s request for him to return, but it was only really possible because his attachment to Kacchan triumphed over his motivations to stay away. It was Kacchan who broke down his walls with his apology. It was Kacchan who filled him with hope that things would be better, and Kacchan who finally hammered into Izuku how important it was for him to be part of the collective. That his inclusion was very wanted and needed, and that he in turn can rely more on everyone as well. That together, they can push forward, trusting in and helping each other.

I think what hurt Izuku the most during his solo arc was being away from his friends, but especially Kacchan. Because that day in the rain, he literally gave up on his solo vigilante mindset for him. After hearing Kacchan’s unbelievable words he had patiently longed to hear for years, it was impossible for Izuku to stay away from him any longer. As he passed out, he stumbled a few steps towards Kacchan who, without missing a beat, caught him in his arms and gently held him. This embrace told us “From now on it’ll be different. I’m gonna be here for you, Izuku.”

So to recap all of that... Kacchan became vulnerable and spilled what was in his heart, Izuku accepted his desires, with it all culminating in them becoming closer. Which is just like a successful romantic confession!?

I think after watching this all go down, something inside Ochaco clicked. A lot of the class are rushing over to Izuku when Kacchan catches him because they’re just so worried about him, but a few of them, Ochaco included, stay standing back. It doesn’t make much sense at all. But we’re given a zoom in of her without knowing any of the thoughts going through her mind.

They got Izuku back, but she doesn’t really seem all that happy. Momo says to her “this is just the first obstacle we aren’t done yet” and she agrees. Ochaco knows that there’s still more they as a group need to do for Izuku to make his return happen. But the fact that there’s a few panels dedicated to zooming in on her staying put, her almost emotionless face (mirroring Shoto’s) while she’s watching Kacchan save Izuku and his new unbridled intimacy he has with him - could be telling us that there’s something else she’s processing.

Is this moment somber for her because she realised the person Izuku needs the most is none other than the person he has openly admired since she first met him? The very same person who always bared his fangs at Izuku because he was scared him getting close?

Was Ochaco witnessing the beginning of something new between them and suddenly finding herself sidelined as a contender for Izuku’s affections?

Somehow… this could be what it was all about. And that’s why I think there’s a good chance Ochaco gave up her crush on Izuku for good when she witnessed Katsuki return his love and embrace him after that emotionally-charged apology. After this, a more defined distance between her and Izuku appears visible in their next scene together. A respectful distance of Izuku’s own choosing.

It was like a definitive line had been drawn out that can’t and perhaps shouldn’t be crossed. Maybe they both understood that the person Izuku wanted close by his side has always been Katsuki. That desire wasn’t simply a pipe dream to Izuku anymore, it had become reality. And who is Ochaco to get in the way of that?

And then it’s almost like she is bookending Katsuki’s confession to Izuku with a confession of her own about Toga, putting a close to the Izuocha chapter and she makes a comment which feels double in meaning. “I guess that means we are the same.” or You love a boy, just like I might love a girl. (To put it bluntly)

And Izuku remembers this line again after he gets separated from Kacchan and Ochaco is telling him to go. Go back to Tenko. Go back to your Kacchan.

The concept of “knowing how someone feels because you love them and always watch over them” comes up from time to time in manga. In a way, that’s also a reason why Kacchan and Izuku understand each other as deeply as they do and they aren’t afraid of showing it off. They were always watching each other from a safe distance and learning things about each other in this way. I think during chapter 322, this concept is what was happening to cause such a realisation in Ochaco. (And it’s also for this reason Tsuyu, who never had feelings for Izuku, still doesn’t get it.)

It was hard for her, knowing everything she does about Izuku’s deep attachment to Kacchan, to learn that Izuku’s affections for him weren’t one-sided and they were now closer than ever before… That’s why I don’t think she’ll want to get in the way by confessing anymore. If Kacchan’s apology was intended to be compared with a romantic confession, then Ochaco is probably aware that Izuku already “has someone he likes”… and that person isn’t her.

#bakudeku #idk if this is Hopium copium or whatever it’s just my thoughts and feelings lately on ochaco’s state of mind #and why I don’t think a confession is going to happen #prone to being wrong at any time ofc lollol #but that said I also fantasise about Izuku rejecting her if she does haha 😂#it would make for the best kohei troll ever #I think she’s going to accept togas feelings too #so there’s that #Katsuki’s feelings for Izuku aren’t going to be shoved aside #it’s mutual lol it has to be #kacchan loves deku #deku loves kacchan #op #Bnha meta #kana writes #I WAS GOING TO WAIT TO POST THIS BUT NO MHA THIS WEEK #LETS FALL INTO DELUSION TOGETHER MY SISTERS #i hope this makes even a little bit of sense but even if it doesnt then #I still hope you got a kick out of reading it!#this is all only my thoughts/theories - hopefully something nice to think about :)#<3 #must read meta #bkdk canon #oopsss

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eleanorfenyxwrites · 2 years

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After Each Midnight Begins A New Day

Extra #12 - Thank You, and I'm Sorry

This extra immediately follows the events of the main fic and is set sometime during 3zun's stay in Jinlintai. Nie Mingjue, wanting to apologize to/make up with Nie Huaisang, travels from Lanling to Qinghe to see his brother, and Jiang Cheng, having heard that his husband was called urgently to Cloud Recesses, has travelled to Qinghe to support Nie Huaisang through the aftermath of his somewhat-disastrous visit.

[Masterpost] [AO3]

-/-

Jiang Cheng knows the Unclean Realm like the back of his hand - as well as he’s ever known Lotus Pier. The servants and disciples still show him respect and deference when he arrives, of course, but he’s no longer treated like an outsider, like a guest. His marriage to his childhood sweetheart had solidified that nicely, and now that he leads Yunmeng Jiang and his husband leads Qinghe Nie, they’re treated like the Sect Leader in each other’s homes as much as their own.

Which is why when one of his Nie intelligence cultivators - personally trained by Nie Huaisang himself early on in his time as Sect Leader - comes to him to tell him that Nie-Zongzhu was summoned unexpectedly to Gusu, Jiang Cheng wraps up what needs doing in Lotus Pier and flies to Qinghe in an evening. If it was something requiring his presence in Gusu then someone would have told him so he doesn’t go running after his husband, but that doesn’t mean that Nie Huaisang won’t need him when he returns home. Jiang Cheng works out of Qinghe frequently enough that no one really blinks twice at his assertion that he’ll be there through the end of the month, and within two days the reports and letters that require his special attention begin arriving, redirected from Lotus Pier by his second-in-command.

So he sets up camp in Nie Huaisang’s quarters. He runs the senior disciples through their saber drills when he needs the fresh air, and he spends his free hours admiring his husband’s paintings or his aviary in his private gardens, and he waits for the man himself to return with news from Cloud Recesses.

“We received word from the outer patrol that Nie-Zongzhu will be arriving this evening,” his husband’s Second informs him when they bring him the latest batch of news from Lotus Pier. “Would you prefer to meet him or shall I?”

Jiang Cheng shrugs and pulls the stack of letters closer. “I’ll meet him at the gates at dusk.”

With a quiet, “Yes, Jiang-Zongzhu,” Tang Ming bows and leaves him to his work. The noise in the hallways and corridors begins to pick up as the dinner hour nears, and when dusk begins to settle in the corners of the rooms and the paper over the window fades to cream, lit more from the inside than the out, Jiang Cheng stands and shakes out his robes to stride through the fortress to the gates.

He arrives just in time for the portcullis to rise, and as always something deep in his chest settles at the sight of his husband even before he dismounts his horse and their eyes lock across the space between them. He’s treated almost immediately to a wide, surprised grin and he can’t quite keep his own smirk off his face as his husband - elegant, dignified, gentlemanly Nie Huaisang - hurries across the courtyard like an excited young boy to link their arms together and cuddle up against his side.

“A-Cheng!” he greets despite their audience of disciples and cultivators. Jiang Cheng’s cheeks immediately grow warm and he turns without a word to usher Nie Huaisang towards the inner clan residences. Nie Huaisang laughs at him for his inability to flirt in public but the sound is like music in his ear so Jiang Cheng allows it, simply ushering his husband inside and into a storeroom for ink and paper to gather the man up into his arms.

Nie Huaisang tucks himself into the contours of him with ease and Jiang Cheng sighs into his hair, lips pressed to the top of his head in between two of his braids. “I’ve missed you,” he says softly, because it’s true and he never lies to his husband. Is incapable of lying to him, actually. Nie Huaisang is easily one of the craftiest and most perceptive men in the cultivation world, Jiang Cheng could no sooner lie to him than a military force could storm the Unclean Realm.

“Is that why you decided to show up weeks early for your next visit?” Nie Huaisang teases and skates his hands up and down his arms a few times before snuggling in again. “Is that why we’re hugging in a storage room instead of going to our quarters to eat dinner together?”

While once such teasing would have riled Jiang Cheng up and fanned the ever-present flames of his flustered irritation, now all he can do is shrug a bit helplessly and duck down to kiss Nie Huaisang’s cheek. “Yes. Are you complaining?”

“No.” Nie Huaisang sighs and settles more firmly against him, so Jiang Cheng reaches a hand up to cup the back of his head, to hold him close to his chest and kiss his temple slowly until he feels his husband’s shoulders begin to unclench.

“Everything alright in Gusu?” he asks eventually. Nie Huaisang shrugs noncommittally and withdraws with a reluctant sigh. Jiang Cheng lets his husband take his hand to pull him from the storeroom and towards their quarters again, the pair of them tangling their fingers together at the same moment as they wander at their own pace down the corridor.

“It will be. Da-ge and I got into an argument, it’s not a big deal. We’ll make up soon enough.”

Jiang Cheng, who’s been privy to quite a few dust-ups between the Nie brothers, knows very well that it’s only a matter of time before a teary-eyed Nie Mingjue shows up at their gate to apologize and dote on his little brother in his own ways. He can never stay angry for long, at least not at Nie Huaisang, whom he practically raised.

“What was the argument about?” he asks instead of speaking his thoughts aloud.

“Mmm something of a miscommunication I suppose,” Nie Huaisang sighs and flicks his fan open in his free hand, already pouting prettily. “Must we talk about this now? I’ve been traveling for a day and a half, and I’d very much like to be treated to a bath and a da-ge sized portion of whatever the cooks have made tonight.”

Jiang Cheng has been playing his husband’s games for a very long time, and so he allows the subject change for now despite how much it still chafes at him to play this back-and-forth. Things would be so much faster and easier if everyone would just say what they mean, but Nie Huaisang has never been the type, even since they were children playing together and a romantic relationship wasn’t yet the smallest blip in their minds.

“You can have whatever you want, it’s your house,” Jiang Cheng reminds him somewhat gruffly. Nie Huaisang knows him well enough not to take it personally by now, and so his husband just grins up at him and tugs him along a little faster.

“A-Cheng, you spoil me! First a surprise visit and now anything I want? You should come see me more often.”

Jiang Cheng sighs but ignores replying in favor of ushering his husband into their quarters and behind the screen to get out of his traveling clothes. One of the perks of being the Sect Leader’s husband will always be access to his private soaking bath - something Jiang Cheng had never seen anything like in his entire life prior to their official courtship - and so he finds it no hardship at all to join him once he’s ready to step down into the recessed pool fed by a hot spring a little further up the mountain that guards the Unclean Realm’s rear flank.

“Da-ge never really used this thing, you know,” Nie Huaisang tells him once they’re settled in together, Nie Huaisang’s back to his chest so Jiang Cheng can stroke his hair for him, watch the ends of it swirl gently with the edies of the spring. “He always groused that he didn’t have the time, or the inclination to sit and soak like this. I think san-ge and er-ge were able to talk him into it a few times, but he never loved it like I do.”

Jiang Cheng wrinkles his nose a little at the idea of what those three might have gotten up to in what he privately thinks of as his and Huaisang’s bath, but of course that would have been a long time ago, and the water is, of course, not even remotely the same water as they would have used. It’s rare that Nie Huaisang is in a mood to share things like this, and Jiang Cheng can’t help but feel that it’s related to something that happened in Gusu, so he just keeps his mouth shut and continues stroking his husband’s hair as if trying to coax a particularly skittish cat to trust him.

“He’s so different,” Nie Huaisang muses, mumbling almost too quietly to be heard over the faint burbling of the water. “He’s…he’s better…than when he was here. He’s happier in Gusu. He could never really be happy here. Too many memories, I think. Father used to chase us up and down the corridors. I was still young enough at first to think it was a game, and when Da-ge would tell me to hide my giggling gave me away every time. I was always whisked somewhere else by a servant or a disciple when Father caught us. Usually they’d take me to the gardens, but sometimes the kitchen for a snack.”

Jiang Cheng presses a soft kiss to his husband’s neck as he draws the curtain of his hair aside with one hand, silently reminding him that he’s here. That this is not the past.

“Da-ge still tried to use the same trick with me even when I was old enough to understand Father was on one of his rampages. I think Da-ge didn’t want to accept it, that I was growing up and I knew enough by then to be afraid. He never wanted me to worry, or be upset. He’d always do his best to take care of me.”

There are days, sometimes, even weeks, when Nie Huaisang’s eyes turn haunted, and his mind is so far away Jiang Cheng worries that he’ll never find his way back. Nie Huaisang never tells him where his mind goes when he gets so contemplative, but at the same time it’s not like Jiang Cheng ever presses him too hard. After all, he’d grown up watching his brother do the same. Sometimes, he figures, childhoods and memories of the past can creep back in like ghosts to haunt them - it’s not as if either of them had a particularly charmed life when they were young, no matter what sort of images they project now.

Jiang Cheng can hear that same faraway quality to his husband’s voice now without even needing to see the glazed look in his eyes.

“I couldn’t take care of him. There was a time once when he needed me, and I couldn’t protect him. And someone we had trusted hurt him down to his core - literally. If I were to hurt that person in return, would that be so wrong?”

“Revenge is usually justified when you bother to worry about it,” Jiang Cheng murmurs against Nie Huaisang’s heat-flushed skin. “If the pain was equivalent, if it was the proper price to pay, it’s not so wrong.”

“Mm. Maybe. It’s in the past now, either way. It hardly matters anymore. But Da-ge…he’s so straightforward about everything. I went behind his back to do it, and learning about it now has been…upsetting. For all three of them, really. I think that’s why he’s upset, more than at me directly. I accidentally hurt his husbands trying to make things right.”

Jiang Cheng tightens his arms around his husband’s chest and presses a palm over his rabitting heart. “If anyone hurt you, I wouldn’t sit idly by and allow it,” he vows. “You can’t expect him to do nothing if the people he loves have been hurt.”

“True,” Nie Huaisang sighs. “I really messed up this time, I think. At least in his eyes. I can’t honestly say I feel sorry for it, even though I probably should.”

Jiang Cheng snorts softly at that and presses one more definitive kiss before he sits up straight and squeezes Nie Huaisang tightly around the middle.

“I’m pretty sure you could do no wrong in his eyes, at least once his temper’s cooled off. You have this fascinating way of winding angry men around your fingers and never letting us stay angry at you for long.”

“Don’t compare yourself to my brother like that,” Nie Huaisang laughs softly, still with that melancholy edge. “I have you both wrapped around my fingers in entirely different ways, and you’re not the only jewelry I wear. I have many people right where I want them, but you always know you’re special.”

“Mhm. Nie Mingjue will come around,” Jiang Cheng soothes, not one to be too distracted from the topic at hand (he’s had plenty of opportunities to grow at least somewhat immune to his husband’s tactics). “Give him some time to cool off, let the ones who married him do all the heavy lifting of calming him down again. He always comes back to apologize, it’s just a matter of time.”

“You’re right, of course, zhugong,” Nie Huaisang teases and Jiang Cheng smiles a little at both the title and the return of levity to his husband’s voice. “Now will you tell this humble husband why you’ve graced Bujing Shi with your scowling face weeks in advance?”

Jiang Cheng splashes him for the teasing until Nie Huaisang is laughing in his arms and crying out for mercy. He only deigns to answer him once he’s turned to give him a few consolation kisses and settled in his arms again with a happy little sigh.

“A little bird told me you’d been summoned quickly and unexpectedly to Gusu, I was worried. I thought you might appreciate a chance to talk through your thoughts with a captive audience rather than to your plants. I’ve arranged to stay until and through my planned visit, you have me at your disposal for an entire month.”

Nie Huaisang’s genuine happiness at his pronouncement and the kisses he peppers his face with once he turns around once again are as good a reason as any to abandon such heavy topics, so Jiang Cheng settles in to enjoy his husband’s company for the night, the matter of what happened in Gusu settled to his satisfaction.

—

Jiang Cheng has been in the Unclean Realm for a few weeks when a letter arrives from Lanling. It’s brought to his desk in Nie Huaisang’s office as it’s been written on his sister’s favorite stationery, but when he opens it to glance at the contents he recognizes his brother-in-law’s hand immediately. He skims it quickly to make sure it’s not an emergency, and when it proves itself to be a simple request to come visit he sets it on Nie Huaisang’s painting table - where he’s much more likely to see it than on his desk - and returns to his own work without much more thought about it.

When Nie Huaisang reads it later, though, Jiang Cheng can’t help but notice the pinching at the corners of his mouth or the worried little frown between his brows. Normally requests to visit from Nie Mingjue are a welcome thing, even if the Nie brothers have recently had an argument that requires apologies to be given, so Nie Huaisang’s reaction is negative enough to set off a little alarm bell in his head.

What if this time their argument is something that drives a true wedge between them? They’ve been inseparable since they were all children - hell, Nie Huaisang had been distraught when he couldn’t be near his brother during their summer studying in the Cloud Recesses - but they’re growing older now. Growing apart. Nie Mingjue still has a hand in leading the Nie from a distance, but the role is mostly to make him feel better about having stepped down early to live in Gusu for the sake of his health. That particular fight had lasted for months, Nie Mingjue’s pride and bone-deep sense of duty pitted against Nie Huaisang’s stubborn patience which can outlast the stars and the seas - it hadn’t been pretty.

But even then, Nie Huaisang hadn’t ever turned away the opportunity to see or speak with his brother.

“What’s wrong?” Jiang Cheng asks when Nie Huaisang has finished reading the letter for a fourth time. “You don’t want him to come?”

“I don’t know if it’s been long enough for his temper to have cooled off and he wants to make up, or if he wants to come and yell at me some more,” Nie Huaisang pouts, and for anyone else the pout would’ve been good enough to hide the fact that he’s genuinely afraid. But Jiang Cheng can see the fear sitting deep in his husband’s eyes, and the tension making his shoulders rigid under the stiff layers of silk that make him look broader than he really is. He stands up from his work to cross the room and settle in on his knees behind his husband to begin combing his fingers through the loose section of his hair, careful not to dislodge his guan or any of his intricate braids or ornaments.

“Can you tell me what happened in some more detail?” he coaxes quietly after a few long moments. He hadn’t asked for the details when they’d talked about it that first night, and he still hasn’t asked in the weeks since, but the curiosity has been simmering low in his chest the entire time. He can’t imagine that Nie Huaisang hurting someone - anyone - could be such a problem with Nie Mingjue that he would be furious with the brother he adores for so long, but Nie Huaisang is clearly convinced that that’s precisely what’s happened.

“Not without telling you a whole bunch of stuff that would upset you, too,” Nie Huaisang mutters and sets his favorite brush down a little too hard with a huff.

“You said before that you hurt Lan Xichen and Meng Yao…what did you do?”

Nie Huaisang takes a few deep breaths in and holds them, clearly trying to calm himself down, so Jiang Cheng leans forward to wrap his arms around Nie Huaisang’s waist and prop his chin on his shoulder.

“Whatever you did, I’ll still love you just as much as I do now,” he whispers, and even after all these years he flushes ever so slightly with embarrassment to say such things out loud. “Hurts can always heal, even if it’s not perfect after it’s all said and done. Just tell me what happened?”

Nie Huaisang breathes deeply again and brushes ink-stained fingers against the backs of Jiang Cheng’s hands, his touch light and cool as a spring breeze. Jiang Cheng closes his eyes and leans more firmly against the other, his mind wandering lazily through all the years of their relationship. They’ve been married for a while now, but even before that Jiang Cheng had vowed his heart to Nie Huaisang. For him, there hasn’t been anyone else he would even think of courting, and he knows that Nie Huaisang is well aware of his adoration. He can only hope his husband finds comfort in knowing that nothing in the world could break it.

Their minds must be following similar paths, because Jiang Cheng can hear a soft smile in Nie Huaisang’s voice when he says, “You’ve always been so devoted, A-Cheng. I’ve loved that about you for a very, very long time, you know. Longer than you’d ever guess. If anyone ever hurt you, I’d never be able to rest until I’d destroyed them.”

“I know,” Jiang Cheng murmurs, because he does. Not everyone sees it, in fact he’s fairly sure that virtually nobody sees it except him, but Nie Huaisang is ruthless, like all Nies are. It’s less obvious than it is in Nie Mingjue with his many loud declarations over the years of what’s right and what’s wrong, but Nie Huaisang’s moral compass is just as harsh. He’s just as likely as his brother to focus on what he thinks is right at the expense of anything else, and to only think to deal with the consequences of his actions after the fact. Jiang Cheng has thought for years that the cultivation world is lucky that Nie Huaisang’s interests lie in the arts and not in warfare, or else they’d be living in a very different world than they do now.

“I’d do the same thing for da-ge. I’d hurt anyone who hurt him. I’d ruin them, everything they loved.”

“I know that too.”

Nie Huaisang doesn’t continue, but Jiang Cheng stays where he is and waits him out. Being with Nie Huaisang for as long as he has has done wonders for his patience, though it still only really applies to his husband. No one else (except for, of course, Jiang Yanli) deserves his precious reserves of patience, so easily depleted.

“Er-ge hasn’t been feeling well, and Wei-xiong thought I might be able to help,” Nie Huaisang eventually reveals. Jiang Cheng rewards him with a kiss to the side of his neck. “And he was right, I could, but I…well I wasn’t very nice about it, and because of what I did to try to help, er-ge stabbed san-ge. Straight through. I watched Shuoyue come out of Meng Yao’s back.”

Jiang Cheng freezes as he tries to process that, that something so violent could happen between his brothers-in-law, who love each other to the point of it being downright disgusting. Lan Xichen stabbed somebody? Anybody?? Their lives have been so peaceful for so long that sometimes Jiang Cheng forgets, in the quiet course of his daily life, that his family are all remarkably powerful and formidable in battle. But Lan Xichen is, without a doubt, one of the most peaceful men in the cultivation world - what could have possibly driven him to violence?

“You were behind Meng Yao when Lan Xichen stabbed him,” Jiang Cheng notes when he’s got his metaphorical feet back under him. Nie Huaisang plays this game frequently, dropping little hints and clues about what he means without actually saying it outright, and though Jiang Cheng finds it maddening he’s also resigned himself to the reality that that’s just what it’s like to be married to one of the cleverest and most non-confrontational men in the world. “Something must have happened to Lan Xichen to make him unbalanced enough to draw Shuoyue too quickly for anyone to stop him, because I can’t imagine anyone was happy to see him stab Meng Yao. You included.”

“No, I didn’t want him to,” Nie Huaisang agrees, his voice low and oddly neutral in a way Jiang Cheng isn’t sure how to interpret. “He moved too quickly for Da-ge to stop him.”

“Who did?” Jiang Cheng asks. “Meng Yao or Lan Xichen.”

“Oh. I meant Er-ge, but I suppose it works for both of them.”

Jiang Cheng tightens his grip around Nie Huaisang’s waist and holds him close, lips pressed firmly against his neck, as he puts together the pieces that tell him that Lan Xichen had been aiming for him.

He was behind Meng Yao, who had moved too quickly for anyone to stop him. Moved in front of Nie Huaisang, to put himself between him and Shuoyue.

He doesn’t ask what Nie Huaisang did to anger Lan Xichen to such an extent. He doesn’t try to even guess at it, whatever it was it’s in the past. It’s already happened, and now Nie Mingjue, who carries the same sort of righteous anger on behalf of his loved ones as Nie Huaisang does, wants to come to the Unclean Realm to see his brother.

“You should tell him to come,” Jiang Cheng murmurs after a few long minutes of silence except for the sound of Nie Huaisang’s birds out in the garden and the occasional clang or shout from the training grounds a few courtyards away. “Soon, while I’m still here. See what he wants, and if he tries to hurt you because of whatever you did then I’ll protect you.”

“My A-Cheng is so loyal,” Nie Huaisang purrs, levity creeping back into his tone as slowly and softly as a sunrise. He turns then in Jiang Cheng’s arms to look at him and Jiang Cheng leans back enough to allow it, meeting his husband’s eyes steadily and not worrying at all about the guilty look in them. “I’m sorry I can’t..tell you all the details. You know I don’t like keeping things from you.”

Jiang Cheng shrugs and tucks a stray hair behind Nie Huaisang’s ear. “And I don’t really like you keeping secrets from me, but I haven’t been with you for decades just to start getting upset now that there are still things I don’t know about you. I know what I volunteered for.”

“You’re so lucky I snapped you up when I did instead of letting you loose to get taken advantage of, trusting little thing that you are,” Nie Huaisang tuts and pats him on the cheek with a playful smile. Jiang Cheng rolls his eyes as he jerks back from the contact and he fights against the urge to smile when Nie Huaisang just laughs at him. He stands to return to his desk with a little flick of his sleeves, shooting his husband a stern look over his shoulder as he goes.

“Write back to your brother and tell him to come here and apologize. Everyone survived the stabbing incident so he can’t be mad for too long, right? Might as well get it over with.”

“A-Cheng is right, as always,” Nie Huaisang demures with one of his dreamy little smiles that have been certified to make Jiang Cheng blush since they were teenagers.

He returns to his work without a fuss, and after another long reread of Nie Mingjue’s letter Nie Huaisang sighs, picks up a brush, and writes his response.

—

Nie Mingjue strides into the Unclean Realm a few days after he’d sent off his reply, and Nie Huaisang wonders if he’ll ever truly be used to it, seeing his brother older than he ever got to be the first time around.

Most days he doesn’t think too much about his own age. Though he hadn’t truly lost as much time as Wei Wuxian had - considering he hadn’t died, unlike his friend - he still sometimes thinks of those years he’d spent pursuing his revenge as well as the 5 years of the aftermath as having been barely lived at all. He’d spent so long mired in grief and fear and carefully constructed webs of manipulation with no one at all he could trust that he can’t really remember anything worth living for from those years. Most of the time he feels as young as he ever has, nothing more nor less than..himself.

But some days, like today, the truth of how many years he’s lived sits heavily on his shoulders and it’s a wonder to him that he isn’t beginning to go gray at the temples, that there aren’t lines around his eyes or mouth to telegraph to anyone who might look at him that he’s tired. This life is infinitely better than the one he’d left behind, that much is absolutely true, but sometimes the weight of both of them is just this side of too much.

He’d asked Jiang Cheng to wait for them inside, and now that he’s seeing Nie Mingjue for the first time since that awful night he’s glad that he did. His brother’s expression is cracked open, uncertainty and guilt and, yes, anger written plainly for anyone to read.

“Da-ge,” he greets when the man is close enough, and he can’t help but notice that he’d arrived alone despite the news he’d heard that all three of his brothers had gone to spend time with their family in Lanling following Meng Yao’s recovery. “Just you?”

“Xichen and A-Yao wanted to stay in Jinlintai,” Nie Mingjue says gruffly. “I’ll go back when I’m done here, we’re imposing on Jin Zixuan’s hospitality for a while longer.”

“I see.” Nie Huaisang doesn’t ask if it’s out of a desire to avoid him or to give Nie Mingjue space to do what he needs on his own, and Nie Mingjue doesn’t clarify. He gestures towards the nearest cluster of buildings without a word and Nie Huaisang turns to lead him inside, his stomach twisting uncomfortably with anxiety.

In his adult life, Nie Huaisang has done what he’s needed to do, and he’s made too many sacrifices to easily count. He’s lost everything once, and he’s lost plenty of it all over again. Whatever it is that Lan Wangji and Wei Wuxian have done to improve this life, they couldn’t prevent the loss of Lao Nie, or the degradation of Nie Mingjue’s health and wellbeing before Nie Huaisang had arrived and intervened. Lan Xichen has had a closer relationship with Nie Mingjue this time, that much had been evident from the beginning, but without Nie Huaisang’s intervention it wouldn’t have been enough to save him. And even though Nie Huaisang has saved him, he’s also lost him in the process, in a way. His brother lives in Cloud Recesses with his husbands, blissfully unaware of how desperately Nie Huaisang has missed him and therefore ignorant of how much his absence leaves Nie Huaisang bereft and, some nights, shaking through the aftermath of nightmares in which none of this second chance has happened at all and he’s lost his brother once again.

But in spite of - or maybe because of - how many hard choices he’s made in the past, anxiety still grabs at the hems of his robes, twists its claws into his heart at the slightest hint that all of this is going to be swept out from under his feet again. For maybe the first time in this new life he can’t tell what Nie Mingjue is thinking, and that alone is more than enough to make him afraid of whatever’s going to happen next.

He’d told Lan Xichen on his last evening in Gusu that he could bear to lose their trust so long as Nie Mingjue was still alive, and it had been true. He could bear it. It would just be a torment he very deeply hopes he won’t have to endure.

Nie Huaisang leads Nie Mingjue through the Unclean Realm, down familiar paths from one building to the next until they step inside the pavilion containing the Sect Leader’s office, once Nie Mingjue’s and now Nie Huaisang’s. It’s empty, Jiang Cheng having apparently elected to give them a bit of space, though Nie Huaisang is sure he’s near enough that he’ll be easy to fetch should an emergency arise.

“Xichen told us everything, after you left.”

Never one to beat around the bush. Nie Huaisang smiles ever so slightly to himself before he schools his expression into wary neutrality again and turns to face his brother standing behind him, near the door.

“Everything?”

“Everything he knew. More than Wei Wuxian told us when all of this started.”

Nie Huaisang nods, unsure what to say to that. By the end, of course, Lan Xichen had learned everything there was to know about the whole affair. Jin Guangyao’s numerous betrayals, his own blindness, the many strands in the web of Nie Huaisang’s revenge for the man now standing hale and hearty in front of him. If he’s shared every bit of it with his husbands now, then -

“I’m sorry.” Nie Mingjue says it as sincerely as he says everything, and somehow it still leaves Nie Huaisang utterly floored. Nie Mingjue doesn’t apologize easily - his pride rarely allows him to honestly acknowledge his faults, and rarely does he truly regret an action he thought was right - and to hear it now is actually disorienting. Their apologies when they fight aren’t typically apologies, but rather a mutual understanding that whatever it is that happened is over now and they’re going to move past it as if it never happened. They’re going to just forget about it and continue as they always have.

Nie Huaisang manages to choke out a slightly strained, “What?” before Nie Mingjue crosses the room in a few strides and grabs him. Pulls him into a crushing hug.

“I’m sorry, A-Sang,” Nie Mingjue says into his shoulder. Nie Huaisang wraps his arms tightly around his brother’s waist and clings to him like a child, burying his face in his heavy gray robes and breathing deeply of the familiar smell of him, virtually unchanged even after so many years spent away from home. He smells like the musky soaps he always buys from the markets in Qinghe, like leather and the iron tang of metal, and the dust of the road. Like open air and freedom and strength. Nie Huaisang hides his face in his brother’s chest and clings on for dear life, all the years of his lives falling away only to leave him feeling small and unsure.

“You saved my life, and you’ve done so much on your own - in this life and also..before. Whatever it was. I still don’t understand it and I refuse to listen to Wei Wuxian try to explain it, but whatever has happened you’ve always done everything you could for me. Even when it should have been me taking care of you.”

Nie Huaisang muffles a sob in Nie Mingjue’s robes but gives in when Nie Mingjue presses a hand to the back of his head to press him in closer, giving him tacit permission to keep crying if he needs to.

A small, frightened, animal part of him is crying out for his brother even though he’s right here, aching for the time they’d spent as children before everything got messy and complicated, when Nie Mingjue had sworn to protect him and give him everything he could and Nie Huaisang had lived free and easy, secure in the surety that his brother would protect him from everything, give him anything. No matter what happens, no matter what kind of arrays Wei Wuxian invents, no matter how many times someone turns back the years and returns to childhood, Nie Huaisang knows that the youth of innocence must always be lost. There’s no way to escape it except to die young, and Nie Huaisang wants, more than anything, to live on into old age with everyone he loves.

He wants to live in a world that contains his brother, and in which he hasn’t destroyed his relationships with Lan Xichen and Meng Yao. He wants to live with Jiang Cheng and enjoy his husband’s company, he wants to dote on his nieces and nephews and teach the next generation of Nies how to cultivate in ways that won’t send them careening to an early grave. He wants to enjoy the fruits of his labor, and he knows that no matter what he won’t trade this life away for anything.

Not even his innocence.

Nie Huaisang is older than Nie Mingjue, but he is, at his core, Nie Mingjue’s little brother. Nothing can take that away from him, which means that his brother will love and protect him until his last breath. Nie Huaisang doesn’t think he was wrong to be anxious about what this visit would bring, but he does feel a little foolish now for having forgotten, even momentarily, that Nie Mingjue’s oath to be the best brother he could be for the rest of their lives wasn’t an oath he took lightly, even though he’d made it as a child.

“Thank you, da-ge,” he eventually manages, his voice thick and snotty. “I missed you.”

“I’m sorry I ever left you alone,” Nie Mingjue rumbles, and Nie Huaisang knows he doesn’t mean in this lifetime. Because he hasn’t left him alone, not really, not when he takes any excuse to come visit and writes letters constantly to check in on things here. “I’m sorry I lost myself like Father did, and that I let -”

“It’s okay,” Nie Huaisang sniffles before Nie Mingjue can apologize for falling prey to Jin Guangyao’s schemes. “It’s all so far in the past now, da-ge, and…at the end you couldn’t bring yourself to hurt me, even when you were qi deviating and you didn’t know me anymore. And I’ve been here since I was fifteen anyway, I’ve had plenty of time to do my grieving and enjoy getting to grow up with you again. It’s all more immediate for er-ge than for any of the rest of us, I’ve…I’ve forgiven them.”

Nie Mingue lets him go then, finally, to level a look at him, one thick eyebrow raised in disbelief, but Nie Huaisang just shrugs.

“Alright fine, so my forgiveness may look a little strange all things considered, but I could have just killed Meng Yao when I woke up in Cloud Recesses and found him having the time of his life flirting with er-ge all over the place.”

“Not funny, A-Sang.”

“I’m not trying to be. I had just destroyed everything Jin Guangyao had worked for and treasured after years of waiting and plotting, it was all over for better or for worse, but suddenly he was right in front of me again and completely unaware that I was someone he should be watching out for. He’s sneaky and he’s smart, but he was easy prey back then. I could have done it, da-ge, but it’s over and done with. I’ll do what I have to do, but I won’t go any further than that, and it wouldn’t have accomplished anything except Meng Yao would be dead though he hadn’t even done anything wrong yet.”

Nie Mingjue glares at him but Nie Huaisang stands his ground, doesn’t take any of it back. If they’re going to move on from this then Nie Mingjue is going to have to see that his ruthless streak is a lot wider than anticipated (though in Nie Huaisang’s opinion that’s inevitable since no one thinks he has one at all).

“Does Wanyin know you’re like this?” Nie Mingjue asks a bit helplessly, and Nie Huaisang mentally corrects himself; there’s one person who knows exactly how wide it is.

“A-Cheng is maybe the only one who knows exactly what I’m like and always has, at least this time around. But for the rest of it, I don’t think he needs to know.”

Nie Mingjue’s expression turns serious again, sad under his furrowed brow, and Nie Huaisang watches him warily.

“Wei Wuxian said that part of the reason they wanted to start everything over was because everyone was miserable after everything that happened, even five years later. Including you and Wanyin.”

Nie Huaisang carefully shutters his expression as he takes a moment to tamp down the panic that occasionally sneaks up on him when he remembers just how firmly he’d been shut out of Jiang Cheng’s life before. Even before Nie Mingjue had died and the Sect had passed to him, he’d never truly gotten to help Jiang Cheng shoulder any of his burdens. He’d watched from afar as tragedy after tragedy turned the boy he loved turned into a man who was as cold and unyielding as a granite cliff to anyone who wasn’t his nephew. And after everything had come to light after Jin Guangyao’s death Nie Huaisang had been helpless as, somehow, an even wider gulf had opened between them, him alone on one side and Jiang Cheng on the other. He knows the chances of it happening again in this life are nigh on impossible, but sometimes he still can’t help but worry.

“We were. What of it?”

“I’m glad you have him now, didi. I’m grateful that he loves you.”

Nie Huaisang can’t help but squint a little at his brother, but he looks perfectly honest. Painfully earnest, as ever, his emotions always right at the surface.

“Thank you,” he finally settles on. “And I’m happy that you have er-ge and san-ge again, properly this time. No matter what happened before, it’s…things are different now. I’m glad they’re ending differently. Better.”

Nie Mingjue nods, and some of the tension of the conversation lifts enough for Nie Huaisang to feel like he can breathe again. They move on to talking about less fraught topics then, a strange mixture of their current lives and details Nie Huaisang can tell him from his previous life that Lan Xichen wouldn’t have known or thought to tell him. He can tell Nie Mingjue isn’t entirely comfortable talking about that other time, but it’s equally clear that he’s making an effort for Nie Huaisang’s sake, to understand him and love him for everything he is, and Nie Huaisang is more than capable of appreciating the gesture.

He doesn’t see Jiang Cheng again in private until after dinner, the two of them retiring to their quarters earlier than usual so that Nie Huaisang can have the freedom to shed his heavy outer robes, his guan, his weapons, and climb into bed to curl up tightly against Jiang Cheng’s chest. His husband holds him in his lap, arms and legs wrapped around him without question as Nie Huaisang hides against him, face buried in the crook of his neck, and breathes deeply until he feels a little less like he’s going to disintegrate.

Jiang Cheng doesn’t tell him that it’s alright, or ask him what happened, or anything else. He just holds him, presses kisses to the top of his head at irregular intervals, rubs his thumb slowly back and forth against his arm, the sensation slightly muted through his shirt.

“You don’t have to tell me anything about it,” Jiang Cheng murmurs when it’s late enough that theirs are probably the only lanterns still burning in the Unclean Realm. Nie Huaisang stirs a little from his dozing and starts to sit up, but Jiang Cheng presses a hand to his head to keep him curled up against him before he can. “But I…I overheard a little of what you were saying earlier, and I wanted to ask you something.”

Nie Huaisang very consciously doesn’t stiffen, but Jiang Cheng can probably feel it in him anyway. He’s attentive like that, even when Nie Huaisang sort of wishes he’d be just a little less observant.

“Alright,” he allows finally, and Jiang Cheng presses a long kiss to his forehead right in the center of his hairline.

“When were we miserable?” He whispers it carefully into Nie Huaisang’s forehead but he can still hear the uncertainty in his husband’s voice, the fear that he’s missing an important piece of information about their relationship. “I heard Nie Mingjue say that we were, and you agreed, but I don’t…I can’t think of a single time I’ve been unhappy with you, let alone for years. You’ve never made me miserable.”

“A-Cheng no,” Nie Huaisang rushes to comfort, sitting up and taking his husband’s face in both hands to press their foreheads together tightly. “How could I ever be miserable when you love me? That wasn’t - it’s…” He exhales sharply and closes his eyes, resigning himself to the reality that the only way to get that hurt-but-trying-to-hide-it look off of Jiang Cheng’s face is to tell him the truth.

“I’m going to tell you something, and all I want is for you not to leave me. You can hate me, you can be mad at me, but just..please don’t leave.”

“That’s not very comforting,” Jiang Cheng huffs but wraps his arms tightly around his waist again anyway. Nie Huaisang readjusts until he’s straddling Jiang Cheng’s lap, his calves pressed along the outsides of his thighs through the sheet and his hands resting lightly on his chest. He trails one hand up enough to feel his heartbeat, steady and regular, and he lets it soothe him as he finally drags the truth out of the shadows.

“You and I have lived this life before, but very differently. It’s too much to explain in full tonight, but…you didn’t love me then, like you love me now. We were never married, barely even spoke to each other in the end. We both lost…everyone. Everything. We were extremely unhappy, but it has nothing at all to do with this life. We got a chance to try again, so I took it and I’ve never regretted any of it, not even once.”

Jiang Cheng stares at him blankly for a few long, breathless moments and then says, “Oh heavens, you’re serious.” Desperately though he wants to, Nie Huaisang doesn’t try to pull Jiang Cheng’s hands away from his face when he raises them to cover his eyes, instead letting his husband have a moment to think through whatever he needs to.

“I never wanted you to know,” Nie Huaisang can’t help but whisper, desperate to defend himself as his old panic begins to creep in again. “All I’ve ever wanted is for the people I care about to be happy. All I want is to be able to love you - you can’t be angry with me for doing everything I could to make sure I’d be allowed to, can you?”

Jiang Cheng takes a deep breath in and finally lowers his hands, and Nie Huaisang’s shoulders sag in relief to see that his husband doesn’t look angry or even hurt, just a bit shocked.

“No. I’m not angry. But I want a full explanation at some point, preferably when it’s not almost dawn. I want to understand what’s going on.”

Nie Huaisang nods and hurries to duck in and hide in Jiang Cheng’s chest again - he thinks sometimes that they were perfectly built for it, they fit so well together and they both take so much comfort from holding each other like this.

“And you’re not going to leave me?”

Jiang Cheng huffs a frustrated exhale that ruffles his hair. “No I’m not going to leave you, you already know I would never dream of it. I’ve known what you’re capable of for decades, A-Sang. You can't scare me off that easily.”

The remaining tension leaves Nie Huaisang’s shoulders at the typically-gruff reassurance and he lays down properly when Jiang Cheng coaxes him away from his lap to get settled in for the night. He lays in their bed and watches Jiang Cheng go through the ritual of blowing out each lamp one by one, and when the room is fully dark he listens to the familiar rustling as his husband makes his way back to him, slides into bed beside him. Jiang Cheng pulls him close the second he’s horizontal, and Nie Huaisang tries not to cry as he fits himself right where he belongs against Jiang Cheng’s side under his arm, head pillowed on his chest. He listens to the steady thumping of his heartbeat under his ear and the whisper of Jiang Cheng’s hand running up and down the soft silk of his shirt, rubbing his back in soothing circles until he begins to feel drowsy enough to sleep.

In the end, he does tell Jiang Cheng everything. It’s harder than he’d like to admit, but when it’s all out in the open and his final, biggest secret is off his chest, he can’t deny that it makes him feel lighter. Freer. Like this life is finally completely his, and he can live it exactly as he wants to without the shadow of the past looming behind him and threatening to bring it all crashing down around him. It’s been so long since he’s been able to live without watching his every step, his every word, that it actually takes an effort to remember that he doesn’t have to hide anymore. But every time he manages it, the feeling of relief and being known is its own reward, and every happy kiss or smile from Jiang Cheng is an extremely welcome bonus.

#the untamed fanfic #Sangcheng #Nie Huaisang #Jiang Cheng #Nie Mingjue #crybaby nie brothers rights #After Each Midnight Begins A New Day #HAHA SUCKAAASSSS I'M STILL NOT DONE WITH THIS UNIVERSE #anyway I guess what I'm getting from the last few things I've worked on is that my writer's block can be cured by Jiang Cheng so that's bee #*been fun #Love my angry purple man with a heart of gold #some anti commented on the main fic a long time ago (I think it was the xiyao troll 🙄) that I completely misrepresented/misunderstood #the Nie brothers/ that NMJ would never get angry at NHS or something like that #and I was like first of all that's completely incorrect CANONICALLY #but also fuck off I wrote their argument with this reconciliation already in mind #and then I just straight up never finished writing it lol #but the Muse has Gifted Me

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