#god i wish smoking wasnt bad for you i NEED a cigarette
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would love to have a chat with whoever wired my brain to respond to any form of stimuli with the abject terror of a prey animal but simultaneously be incapable of functioning without at least 5 things to occupy it at all times
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steve helps eddie quit smoking (just tobacco cigarettes but the weed)
i wish i had a friend like steve to help me quit smoking lol
“You know those are horrible for you, Eds.” Steve said pointedly, watching as Eddie lit another cigarette.
“I’m aware Harrington, but they’re just so good.” Eddie flashed him a dazzling smile, and Steve tried not to think about why that had made his heart clench and beat faster. They were laying on the roof of Eddie’s newly gifted, government hush-hush trailer, staring at the stars. The moonlight shining on Eddies face made had Steve staring for longer than he knew he should. Probably something to explore later.
“Seriously, Eddie, you should quit. I can help you. I used to smoke but I realized it was just stinky and I could never breathe.”
“I wont go down without a fight, Steve. You can pry these cigarettes out of my cold dead hands.” Eddie laughed.
“Thats what your hands are gonna be if you dont quit.” Steve glared at Eddie. Eddie put his hands up in mock surrender.
“Okay okay. Do your worst.”
~~~~
“Don’t you think I know how bad this is?” Eddie stared at the three different pamphlets Steve had handed him a couple days after their conversation on the roof. “None of these facts are gonna scare me.”
“You haven’t even read the information, Ed.”
“Don’t have to, I’m aware of it sweetheart.” Steves stomach fluttered at the nickname and he could feel a blush creeping up onto his neck. Again, something to focus on later.
~~~~
Steve was so sure he had the perfect idea to get Eddie to quit this time. He had printed out pictures of what smokers lungs look like. No way Eddie would want to continue after seeing how awful these images are. He knocked on Eddies door. He could hear footsteps and then the doorknob rattling. The door opened and Steve had to swallow the lump that had formed in his throat. Eddie stood before him with no shirt on, hair pulled back into a low bun and in a pair of old grey sweatpants that were hanging low on his hips. Steve could see the band of his boxers, and the trail of hair that started under his naval and traveled all the way down….
“What a sight for sore eyes, sweetheart. To what do I owe the pleasure?” Eddie asked, unaware of the effect he was having on Steve. Steve wasnt even sure what kind of effect it was, but he packed it away for later. His Eddie box was going to burst at the seams if he didnt examine it soon. Steve cleared his throat and shook his head.
“These are your lungs, Munson.” Steve handed over the pictures.
“How did you get these pictures of my lungs exactly, Harrington?” Eddie teased.
Steve felt the blush creeping up his neck again, “you know what i mean ass, this is what the smoking is doing to your lungs. See how black they are? Thats not healthy.”
“Its pretty metal. Blackened lungs? Good song name. Maybe I’ll start writing it and dedicate it to you.” Eddie laid his head against the doorframe and smiled at Steve. Steve packed more things away. Too many things.
“You’re impossible.” Steve rolled his eyes.
~~~~
Steve and Eddie were laying on his roof again, looking up at the stars when Eddie reached into his pocket and got his cigarettes and a lighter out. Steve snatched it out his hand before he could put it in his mouth.
“Give that back, Harrington.” Eddie honest to god giggled.
“No! These are not good for you, have a sucker instead.” Steve reached into his own pocket and pulled out a small sucker. “I have plenty of them, they should help in case you need something in your mouth or something to do with your hands.”
“Something in my mouth would probably help with the cravings.” Eddie winked at Steve. Alarm bells were going off in his head and he was packing, packing, packing more stuff away in his little box. Steves entire body felt hot. Almost on autopilot he gave Eddie both the cigarette and the sucker back. His voice was not working.
~~~~
“What if for every day you didnt smoke, you got a reward or something? Like, a dollar, or a guitar pick, or something?” Steve asked Eddie. They were sharing a joint on Steves bed.
“How come I can smoke weed but not cigarettes?” Eddie asked, ignoring Steve entirely.
“Well, cigarettes cause cancer. And weed is just, ya know, weed. Its not bad for you.” Steve supplied.
“Mm,” Eddie hummed in response, “a reward you said?”
“Yeah like something to look forward to so you dont get the urge to smoke. Whatever you want, I can do it for you if you try to quit smoking.”
“How about every day that I don’t smoke, you give me a nice little kiss for a job well done?” Eddie wiggled his eyebrows. Steves entire body froze.
“Uh, well.. wait, are you sure? serious? Um, that could.. I guess if you were serious about.. That would be a helpful reward.” Steve stumbled out and Eddie laughed.
“Relax big boy, you don’t have to kiss me. I was just teasing.”
Everything was quiet for a little bit. Steve and Eddie laying next to each other, passing a joint back and forth in silence. Steve’s Eddie box was threatening to burst open. Maybe now would be a good time to unpack. Theres no time like the present or whatever the fuck they say. Steve thought to himself.
“What, uh, Eddie, whats it like? Kissing a boy?” Steve didnt know if this was going to go good or bad. But he had opened the box and now there was no closing it.
“Well, my only kiss for a girl was when I was 12 years old and trying to make myself like girls so I dont have much experience there to compare. I’d think it would be pretty similar. Except you know, girls are probably smooth whereas boys can have stubbly cheeks. It can kind of tickle.” Eddie responded, seeming unsure of where this conversation was going.
“Yeah, girls have smooth cheeks.” Steve responded, leaving a feeling of uncertainty in the air.
“Stevie,” Eddie started out slowly, “Are you asking because you’re just curious for curiosity sake, or…”
Steve decided to just go for it, he surged forward and smashed his lips against Eddie’s, no thinking allowed, only actions. Eddies cheek was a little stubbly, and Steve liked it. Steves entire body lit up and he felt like he could fly, he didn’t know how long to keep his lips on Eddie’s but if he got a choice it would be never.
A small gasp of surprise came out of Eddie when their lips first touched but then his hand went to the base of Steves neck. After what seemed like forever, Steve pulled away.
“Sorry if you didnt want that, but you made the joke about kissing as a reward and honestly Eddie ive been wondering for a while now what it would be like to kiss you and I just didnt think I could wait any longer, and you know its probably because of the weed, you can go-“ Steve was rambling and Eddie cut him off with another kiss to the lips.
“I’ll never smoke another cigarette again if thats my reward.” Eddie said lowly, his voice smooth and pooling at the bottom of Steves stomach. Steve thinks maybe kissing a guy might be better than kissing a girl.
“If you stop smoking you can have all the kisses you want.”
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wolves
chapter II
-> sally face x f!reader
-> enemies? to lovers
-> previous | next
cw: drugs, cigarettes, abuse, panic attack
*does not follow original plot of sally face*
summary: larry knocks (y/n) off her feet, literally. later, him and sal come to apologize, bearing a gift of homemade lasagna. sal and (y/n) bond over their similar bodies. his eyes look familiar.
The sound of your skateboard and the wind brushing past your ears practically deafened you, which allowed you to think in peace. Maybe you’d survive in Nockfell.
Maybe it wasnt as bad as you made it. You’d grow close to the old apartment, push through school, leave your mother as quickly as possible, and start fresh somewhere across the world. The only thing that you wouldn’t get close to is the forest surrounding Addison. It loomed over you, day and night, dewy pines poking out at you like a warning sign. Maybe mom moved here just so she could torture you with the forest. Remind you of what happened.
Loud footsteps joined the wheels of your skateboard. You looked back, and on your trail were those two kids from the apartment. The tall one’s face was almost right in yours. You let out a small yelp as your skateboard hit a rock and sent you tumbling to the ground, completely destroying your knees in the process.
“Shit!” larry yelled out in surprise as he dodged the skateboard that went right between his legs.
You quickly reached out to your head, trying to calm the searing pain pulsing through it. What the fuck just happened?
“What the fuck?” you groan. The blue haired boy, sal, grabbed your skateboard and came up close to you. pulling down his sleeves, he quickly grabbed your knees and covered them, soaking up the gushing blood.
“Larry!” sal turned around to face him. You winced as the fabric of his sweater clung to your knees. Your hands grabbed his to pull them off but you froze. They were soft and cold, almost like snow. How would it feel to hold them longer? Would you warm them up? or would they freeze you?
What the fuck?
You snapped out of your trance and moved them off your knees. You scowl at larry and pick your skateboard back up.
“Nice job, asshat.”
His face flushes at the insult and he moves back. Sally stands up and offers you his hand, but you dont need his help (obviously a lie, your entire body was aching like a scale 8 earthquake). You shove yourself up and wipe your burning palms on your jeans. With your feet back on the skateboard (it took a few tries to get up because your knees kept buckling), you flip them off and begin skating back to addison. You just wanted a nice fucking stroll alone, why were these fucks literally everywhere you went?
It’s around 12:45 now. You came home, took a bath, bandaged up your knees and took some tylenol. Mom was already in her bedroom and there were some leftover beer bottles on the coffee table, so she probably wouldnt wake up anytime soon. you quickly trashed the bottles and decided for a quick nap on the couch, since your room was… occupied. your pyjamas, for now anyway, consisted of an oversized grey ac/dc shirt and some soft-ass spandex shorts.
“finally, a fucking break from this shit.” a content sigh escaped your lips as you threw yourself onto the cold couch.
a few knocks sounded at your door.
“(y/n)? it’s uh, it’s sal. and larry.”
“fuck.”
THEY’RE LITERALLY EVERYWHERE WHAT THE FUCKKKK AGGHHH WHY CANT THEY LEAVE YOU ALONE THEY ALREADY BUSTED YOUR KNEES LIKE WHAT
“coming.” you mumbled angrily even though they couldn’t hear you.
the blinding fluorescent lights of the hallway hit you as you opened the door. along with them came the smell of freshly baked lasagna. your eyes widened for a second, before looking up at sal. he stared at you, taking in your appearance. your hair was ruffled, eyes blinking sleepily as they adjusted to the light. your shirt had ridden up and showed a bit of your stomach. he blushed as you pulled it down and glared at him, a slight tinge of red on your own cheeks.
“larry.” he nudged his friend. the brunette walked up in front of sal, holding a pan of lasagna.
“listen man, i’m sorry. i didn’t mean to fuck up your knees n shit. jus’ got excited cause of your sanity falls shirt. can we, uh, can we come in?”
Slam.
larry quickly jumped back in surprise.
“i guess that means no.”
you yelled out a quick ‘wait!’ as you cleaned up your apartment and hid your mom’s weed and other things. god, for a grown woman, she didn’t know how to clean for shit.
opening the door back up, you waved them inside.
“god, you smoke a lot.” larry coughed a bit at the smell of your apartment, which earned him a shove.
“sorry! god, sal, so mean.” he mumbled.
“s’ my mom. i only smoke outside. uh, take a seat on the couch, i’ll warm up the lasagna.” you pulled it out of larry’s hands as they both took a seat on your makeshift bed.
sal shifted. “you sleep here?” he asked, confused. maybe your room was being used as storage.
“for now. there’s some weird ghost shit going on in my room. some fucking preppy ghost woman keeps squealing when i come in.”
ghosts? you believed in ghosts? maybe they’d be able to take you on their expeditions! sal perked up at the thought of you becoming friends.
“you believe in ghosts?”
“well, i saw one, so what else could it fucking be?” you chuckled as you shoveled the now warmed up lasagna onto three plates. sal noticed and his eyes widened.
“oh, no, i- i don’t want any-” he waves his hands.
“you’re having it, i don’t care.”
larry laughs as you shove it into their hands.
“feisty, aren’t ya?” he stabs some and shoves it into his mouth. you sigh and lean back into the couch.
“you guys go to the school here, right?”
larry nods. “yeah, there’s only one school in nockfell.”
“eww, larry face, don’t chew with food in your mouth.” sally laughs. in the corner of his eyes, he thinks he can see you smile.
“yeah, we go to nockfell high. i’m assuming you’re going there too.”
“mhm. starting monday. hurry up and eat, i’m not warming it up again.” you grumble. sal doesn’t move. “god, okay, i’ll look away. i have to go clean this thing anyway.” you wave your prosthetic’s fingers.
“oh, yeah, you also have a prosthetic!” his face shifts into a child-like curiosity. it’s a face that you’ve seen before, and it makes you giggle a bit every time. you place your hand on his lap. sal does a double take and his mask raises a bit.
“you wanna touch it, don’t you. go ahead.”
“damn, sal, you get all the ladies. leave some for me.” larry chimes in, hand on his forehead in mock sadness. he chuckles.
“you gonna touch it or what?”
“uh, yeah.” sal slowly lowers his hands onto it. he traces your fingers, flexing them every once in a while. he flips your palm and looks at the graffiti ‘s’ you drew on it.
“when was this?” he looks back up at you.
“grade 10, two years ago. got bored in class and accidentally took out my sharpie instead of a dry-erase marker. god, my mom was mad.” you chuckle at the memory. she didnt let you back in the house for two days. you had to camp out in the shed, where you stored your extra food so she wouldn’t steal it.
sal hummed. “what about this one?” it was a big ‘SF’. was it for his name? of course not, she didn’t know you back then, moron. still, it warmed him up a bit.
“not for you, that’s for sure.”
“damnnn, savage!” larry put his plate down. “mind if i get more?”
“larry, we brought it for (y/n).” sal scolded.
“nah, i don’t mind. knock yourself out.” you nodded, continuing your conversation with sal.
larry trotted towards the kitchen.
larry’s point of view:
sal and (y/n) seemed to be getting along quite well. good for him, really. we might be able to coax (y/n) into our friend group. i didn’t like her at first, but i think she’s just a little stand-offish. anyway, back to the lasagna. man, i wish mom would make it more often. she only makes it for guests. where is it? oh, there. (y/n)’s going to nockfell high, right? probably should tell her about travis.
your point of view:
sal was still tracing your arm, running his pale fingers over where the prosthetic connected to your skin. the doctors could have chopped your arm off completely, up to your elbow, but you wanted to salvage as much as you could, so it stops mid-forearm.
“do you take it off often?” sal hummed. it felt a little intimate, tracing your prosthetic. it was like soothing a part of your body that was already gone. what? what was he thinking?
“mmm, i take it off every night. if i leave it on, i could get rashes ‘n shit. rashes aren’t fun. ‘m assuming you take yours off every night too.” he nods.
“i don’t like taking it off during the day. phantom limb shit, you know? it hurts a lot.” you grumble.
“got the lasagna. since you’re going to nockfell, ‘should probably tell you about travis.” larry sits down. “he’s your typical stick-up-the-ass bully. doesn’t really like sally face ‘n our crew.”
“yeah. just ignore him and you should be fine.”
“we‘ll protect you.” larry swings an arm over your shoulder.
huh? you can protect yourself. does he think you can’t? is it because of your prosthetic?
“i can do it myself, you dimwit.” you push his arm off your shoulder.
“time for you to leave.”
“woah, dude, calm down-” larry’s eyes widen in panic. he didn’t mean to offend you.
“i’m sorry!”
“i’m not hurt, just need my sleep. it’s 1:30. go on now.”
sal sets down his cold, uneaten lasagna and larry takes a quick bite out of his.
“see ya!” he mumbled, words muffled by food. you click your teeth as he walks out of your apartment and towards the elevator.
“(y/n).”
you spin around to face sal. his hand lingers on your counter.
“your knees. how are they?”
you look at his eyes through his mask. they’re light blue. like the lake that you so dreaded. like the sky that morning. like your dad’s shirt. he blinks.
“uh, f-fine. they’re fine. they should heal in a few days. time for you to go.” you grab his shoulders and shove him through the door.
“see you tomorrow?” he stumbles.
“yeah.” the door shuts with a slam and you’re filled with an overwhelming sense of dread.
oh god, not this again. your vision blurs as you try to grasp onto your breath. you can hear the blood rushing in your ears. your heart thuds like it’s going to break through your rib cage. it feels like someone is strangling you, coaxing the last breath of air from your lungs. your nails scratch at your throat desperately, your salty tears only making the marks burn more. at least the cold metal of your prosthetic cools you down a bit.
shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up, shut up. you can’t wake anyone. you bite down on your lip to suppress the strangled cries leaving your mouth. god, not the lake, please. not the forest. not the huge, dirty, rabid wolf-looking creature behind your father. not his cries. please, just make it shut up. SHUT UP.
you wake up the next morning to your alarm ringing.
taglist: @purelydarling @ghostfacefricker6969 @deadpoetsandhoney
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Okay so this is Part 2 of the Wolfstar fanfic 'Under the morning sun'. I hope you enjoy.
Sirius didn't know what to do. The moment he walked out of that room, he told James and Peter not to go up there yet and then went on his way to the grounds.
Remus was in love with him. In love with him. He didn't quite know what to feel. Although the entire day was starting to make a bit more sense. But it wasnt like Remus to lash out. Remus would usually hide this and berate himself about it; beating up his bed was a new low. And Lily was there. Of all people Lily!?!? He could have told him himself. But Lily?! She was unexpected.
He went over to the lake and kicked the rock hard. It hurt but he continued until the rock was in pieces. He then sat down with his head in his hands. Tears crept up and dripped down. He hardly ever cried.
Dorcas spotted him from across the grounds and ran over, concerned. She sat down next to him, put her arm around him and held his hair back to stop it getting too wet.
"Sirius what happened?" She said after a minute of listening to Sirius' sobbing, "I've never seen you cry, come on, talk to me."
Sirius let out a sniff before turning to look at her, "Remus....Remus loves me. And I don't know what to do. He was so angry. Like properly angry, he punched his bed so much that it got broken to pieces,"
Dorcas let a gasp escape. Everyone knew that Remus didn't do that over nothing. She gave herself a second and then started to talk.
"Okay so let's break this up. Maybe Remus is angry at himself. For letting this happen. And maybe hes upset because you have a girlfriend and hes jealous. Oh, dont look at me like that, it's very obvious. And maybe just maybe he lost control and had to do something. He couldnt tell you. I mean look what happened. Lily is the best option. She doesn't judge easily and can help, she really can. And maybe you need to figure this out before you talk to him. Like what do you feel towards him? What is he to you?" Dorcas said, in a very soft voice.
Sirius took a moment to think. Dorcas was right. In every possible way. Remus had had a lot of bad things happen not just lately but in his whole life. Him getting a girlfriend would just be the cherry on top. Of course he'd lash out. Lily would help. She cares about Remus just as much as his did.
The only thing that was really bothering him were the questions. What did he feel for Remus? What was he to him? He didn't know.
" I'm not sure. I mean hes really cute and hes really amazing. He folds his socks, god dammit! How do you fold socks?!?! And when I look at him I feel safe and happy and dont get me started on actually knowing him, hes not just pretty face y'know. Hes kind and hes smart and loyal and brave and he shares his chocolate with me, even though he absolutely loves it. I hate it when he bites his fingernails and claws at his skin. And he might seem to hate us sometimes but you can tell he loves us, it's in his eyes, his beautiful amber eyes. And when he crawls into bed with me after a nightmare and -omg I love him!" Sirius said.
Dorcas grinned. She couldnt help it. Sirus Black, the outcast heir to the most ancient and Noble house of Black was in love with a half-blood (and little did she know it a werewolf).
"Well in love you are, though I didn't quite catch that on video. Now, what are we going to do about it?"
"I'll tell him, I'll tell him myself. Whether Lily or Prongs or Wormtail or you or Marlene or even Reg or Snape are in the room to witness it," he said defiantly.
"Well chin up, let's go!! And I'm definitely going to be there. Just so you know," Dorcas said, pulling Sirus up by his robes and running with him up to the castle.
When they were halfway up the steps to the Gryffindor tower, Mia bumped into them.
"Oops sorry, babe" she said.
"Ah shit," Dorcas muttered.
"Um Mia, please dont be upset about this but I've got to break up with you. I- I love someone else, I'm so sorry," Sirius blurted.
Mia took a step back, eyes shining with new tears. She grabbed her books and said, " Oh, well okay then. It wasnt that big of a relationship or anything like that, well sorry, bye," and then she was off.
They paused a moment and then they were off again.
"That was a shit way to break up with someone Black," Dorcas said, while running up the last set of stairs.
"I know, I know but what was i supposed to do???"
"Good point."
They were bursting into the common room now not listening to the shouts coming their way as they ran up the stairs to his dorm.
Sirius burst through the door, Dorcas on his heels as he realised he didn't really know what he was going to say.
It didn't end up being a bother because as soon as he saw Remus he immediately went up to him and kissed him, right in front of everyone (Peter and James had been comforting Remus while Lily was there as well).
It came as a surprise to Remus but after the initial shock had worn down he allowed himself to kiss back, his hands raking through Sirius' hair.
When they pulled apart he smiled.
"So you dont hate me?"
"Of course not Moony, why would I?"
"Well it's a lot to handle,"
"I kicked a rock to pieces, cried, sobbed to Dorcas and then ran up here, I think I handled it pretty well considering I didn't kill anyone," Sirius said smirking.
Remus rolled his eyes," Of course you didn't kill anyone, who was I to have thought that Snivellus would be dead by now?" He said sarcastically, smirking right back.
"MARLENE WHERE THE FUCK HAVE YOU BEEN?!? YOU MISSED IT!! OH AND YOU OWE ME TEN GALLEONS!" Dorcas shouted down the stairs at a Marlene running at full pelt.
"I what- oh. Shit wished I hadn't made that bet now, I also wish I hadn't had gotten a detention," Marlene said as she entered and saw the scene around her.
"Oh yeah, speaking of bets, it's a Tuesday. I won. Gimme," Lily said, raising an eyebrow.
"Okay would you mind telling me what the hell is going on and what I missed," James said as Dorcas gave Marlene 10 galleons and Marlene and Dorcas gave Lily a combined amount of 10 galleons.
"Oh we made bets."
"On what?"
"When these two would get together,"
"YOU WHAT!?!?" James and Sirius shouted at the same time.
"We made bets on when these two would get together, are you deaf. It was easy to tell! Dont look at us like that! We notice more than you do!" Lily said.
Remus and Sirius laughed. What a mess.
*
It took a while for Peter to come round to the relationship, not because he was disgusted at the 2 boys but because they were his best friends and friends dating is such an ew.
When he finally did though, he saw what their relationship was. It was a series of ups and downs, twists and kicks, melodramaticism and sarcasm but through everything real love. Pure love. A bond that nothing could match.
Half the time they were touching. The entire common room had to ready themselves for the sight of them snogging or flirting and very often they did. They held hands, slept in the same bed, ruffled their hair, everything and anything.
Mornings were no longer resigned to thinking through Remus' big crush, but to spending the time with each other, smoking, drinking tea, eating chocolate, reading. It was the best part if either of their days.
The first day they actually said I love you to each other was during the sunrise, fluffy clouds outlining the orange and pink, the sun shining in its golden, half state.
They were sitting on the window ledge, smoking and looking out when Sirius just thought, nothing could be more perfect.
Because in that moment, Sirius had everything he wanted. He had friends, he had a life, he had hopes and he had the boy sitting in front of him. Nothing could be better. There was no war, no gryffindor vs slytherin games, nothing except the bit sitting in front of him and the overwhelming love he felt for him.
"I love you, Moons," he said, twirling his cigarette in his hand.
Remus smiled, he was truly happy. He still had the wolf, he still had the monster inside of him, but it didn't matter anymore. Nothing mattered other than the boy in front of him and suddenly, under the morning sun, he felt the strongest surge of love.
"I love you too, Pads,"
They kissed for a moment and then sat in a blissful silent, happy and content, under the morning sun.
So that's the end of the series, I really hope you liked it. I really tried.
@siriuslylovingthem @lupin-for-president @marauderstextpost @jamespotterdefensenet @lilyevanspotters @dorcasmeadowes-blog @maraudersarea @maraudersxa @wolfstarwarehouse @wolfstardreams @wolfstar @wolfstarangst
#wolfstar angst#lily evans#remus lupin#james potter#dorlene#marauders#wolfstar fanfiction#wolfstar fanfics#wolfstar#wolfstar fluff#remus x sirius#sirius black#jily au
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This is part one of a brantley gilbert series im working on. Hope everyone enjoys it.
Is this the wrong thing to do? After everything that went down between me and Brantley, should I really be doing a meet and greet with him? The last time we were in a room together a lot of words were said and our relationship ended. I thought we were going to last forever. We were engaged, I was planning a wedding while Brantley was drinking himself into a early grave. As I pull up to the venue my hands start sweating and I seriously think about backing out, but he has sure come a long way and I just want him to know that I am proud of him.
45 minutes later
Its my turn next in the meet and greet. All of the fans stand behind a curtain until it is our turn. Security motions for me to head out to see Brantley. I take a deep breath and realize its now or never. I walk from around the curtain and Brantleys eyes go wide. "(Y/N), is that you?" I smile and nod, he opens his arms and grabs me. This feels so good, just like it used to. His strong arms is what made me feel safe. I sigh and start to tear up but then I pull away.
He smiles and eyes me up and down. "(Y/N), youre the last person I thought would walk around that curtain."
I place my hand on the side of his face and wish things were different. "I just wanted to come and tell you how proud I am of you."
"Well darlin, you couldve called." He says with a sigh. I cant believe Im standing here in front of him. Those blue eyes just peer into my soul. My heart skips a beat when I hear his songs on the radio. Sometimes I feel like some of them has been written just for me.
Security tells Brantley they need to wrap up the meet and greet. Brantley looks annoyed but he has a show to put on and many fans that he cant let down.
We get our picture taken and then he turns to me. He grabs my hands in his, "do you have a backstage pass?" I shake my head and say, "no just vip."
He called his manager over and whispered something in his ear. His manager produced a backstage pass. Brantley took it from him and handed it to me. "Here darlin, you can watch from backstage and then we can hang out afterwards."
I shook my head, "Brantley I cant accept this. I dont want you doing me favors."
He placed it around my neck. "Then this is a favor for me. Please I really want to talk to you after the show."
How could I say no to him. He really looked sincere and there is some things that I could get off my chest after the show. So I nod and he has the biggest smile on his face. "Thank you (Y/N). It really means alot to me."
"Youre welcome." I go to hug him and he surprises me by kissing me on my forehead. His manager leads me to Brantleys dressing room. "Make yourself at home honey."
"Thank you. Is it alright if I smoke in here?" I ask showing him my pack of cigarettes. He chuckles, "BG is like a chimney. Ash tray is on the table. Drinks and snacks are in the other room if you want anything. If you need anything else just holler."
I nod and light my cigarette as he walks out the door. Its really nice in here. A big leather couch is against one wall right across is a mirror with lights around it. A chair sits in front of it but Brantley doesnt seem the type to need makeup to go on stage. I put my cigarette out in the ash tray and sit back in the couch. It feels like a cloud. I look around trying to find something to occupy me, I flip through my phone. I snap a picture and send it to my best friend with a text saying 'guess i get to go backstage.'
He sends a text back saying 'be careful. Dont let him hurt you again.' I roll my eyes and shut my phone off. I get up and decide to go get something to drink. When I open the door Brantley is on the other side, I think he was giving hisself a pep talk before coming in. He looks worried, "youre not bolting already are you?"
I shake my head. "No, I was going to get something to drink." He sighs like he is glad that I wasnt leaving.
"You mind if I come with you?" He asks shyly.
"Of course not. This is all for you anyways."
We walk down the hall to the room that has the sign catering on the door. He holds the door open for me and as I enter his hand brushes mine. I feel the sparks way down deep and I know he does too.
After we enter the room I grab a water and he gets a plate of food and a tea. The room is quite crowded and noisy. He looks at me and asks, "wanna go back to the dressing room?" I shrug and mouth its up to you. He nods towards the door and I follow him. He pushes the door open and holds it for me.
When we get back to the dressing room he plops down on the couch and puts his feet up on the table. I sit down on the other end of the couch and he looks like he is affended. "What are you doing all the way down there darlin? I aint gonna bite ya."
I smile and scoot closer to him. I take a sip of my water and light another cigarette. I smoke alot when Im stressed or nervous.
"Wheres your food darlin?" He asks looking at my bottle of water.
"Oh, um." I look down at my hands. "Im not hungry."
He shakes his head, "no, I aint having it. Youre gonna eat. Here take my plate Ill go get some more."
Before I could say anything he placed his plate in my lap and was already out the door. I really wasnt hungry. My nerves were getting the best of me and my stomach was in knots.
Brantley came back in a few minutes later with two huge plates of food. I raised my eyebrows at him as he sat down. "You dont expect me to eat that do you Brantley?"
He shook his head, "no one plate for me and the desserts are for both of us."
I picked at my food as we talked about old times and before I knew it they were calling him for the show. He grabbed my hand and pulled me up from the couch.
"Come on (Y/N), you can watch from the side."
He opened strong and the crowd went wild. After a few upbeat songs he pulled out his acoustic and sat on a stool center stage.
"Welcome everybody yall are amazing."
The crowd cheered loudly as he took a sip of water. He looked over at me and winked causing a face splitting grin to appear on my face.
"I figured wed slow it down a bit for a while. These next few songs mean alot to me. I wrote them for someone special and maybe just maybe."
He looks over at me again.
"She just might hear them tonight."
He starts playing the best of me and glances at me every now and then. Then he starts you dont know her like I do. Then he finishes with you promised. He gets emotional during that song and he looks directly over to me when he sings the last line.
"No matter what you do, you know Ill always love you.
Hell I have to, cause I promised."
The tears streamed down my face. I knew he meant it and after all these years, deep in my heart. I knew I still l loved him. I never stopped, but thats what scares me. Hes changed yes but how could I forget the past?
He was still looking at me as I turned and walked back to the dressing room. I couldnt let him see me cry, so I sat in the dressing room and cried. I went to light my cigarette but couldnt find my lighter anywhere. Brantleys lighter was gone too.
My eyes went to his duffel bag and thought maybe he might have a spare lighter in there. I unzipped it and tried not to look to much at anything but I felt a lighter and as I pulled it out a paper came flying out too.
"Oh shit, I hope It didnt rip."
I picked it up, a picture fell to the floor. I bent to pick it up and saw it was the last picture me and Brantley had made together. That was the better days before everything went bad. I cant believe he has kept it all this time.
"Yall have been awesome tonight! I love yall see ya again soon."
I heard Brantley closing the show so I shoved the paper and picture back in his bag and zipped it quickly. I grabbed my cigarettes and ran to the exit.
The cool air hit my skin like a gift from heaven. I had to take a breather for a moment cause I didnt know what to say to him. Why has he kept that all this time? Why did it make me smile that he did? Because I love him but I cant tell him. Tonight was just to see him and go home.
I sit with my back against the building and lit my cigarette. I looked down at the lighter in my hand and was surprised to see it was the zippo I got him for his birthday one year. This man, does he keep everything.
The band starts coming out of the doors and start loading the bus with equipment and luggage. A few minutes later Brantley came struting out looking frustrated. He couldnt see me because I was sitting behind the door.
I heard him say to his manager, "why didnt you stop her! I need to go find her."
Before he climbed the steps on the bus I stood up and said "you looking for me?"
I could see the relief wash over him. He ran over to me and grabbed me up in a big hug. "I thought I lost you again baby girl."
I smiled and pulled away from him. "Im right here. I just needed some air." He grabbed me by the back of my head and pulled me in for a fierce kiss. It shocked me for a second then I was kissing him back. Our tounges exploring each other mouth. I nipped his lower lip and he growled in response.
I pulled away but he rested his forehead on mine. We were both panting and I managed to find the words. "Brantley, I....I cant do this."
"Come on the bus with me, we can talk cause theres some stuff I need to tell you."
"I dont think thats a good idea Brantley."
He sighs and those blue eyes pierce right into the depths of my soul and break down whatever barriers I had built to keep him out.
"Please, just to talk. I promise."
I nod, "okay, just to talk."
He smiles and grabs my hand. He leads me towards the bus and motions for me to go first. He doesnt speak to anyone but heads straight for his room. He closes the door behind him.
He sits down on the bed and pats the place next to him.
"You can sit baby doll, dont worry I wont do anything."
"I know, I trust you." I sit down next to him but for some reason the words that I have been wanting to say will not come out. Thank god he spoke first.
"Listen (Y/N), I know the last time we saw each other I was a complete mess."
"Complete mess is putting it lightly." I say
He sighs, "ok, I was a complete dick. I know I hurt you and I said things I didnt mean. I swear to you I have changed. I love you (Y/N) I always have, and if you give me a chance." He grabs my hand and I look into his eyes. "I promise you I will make up for everything baby."
I really do believe him but why is it so hard to just give myself to him. "You cheated on me Brantley. You told me you didnt want me anymore. I wanted to marry you and have a family with you. I saw all of that happening but it was all just one big lie."
"Baby look at me." He says as he places his fingers under my chin. My eyes meet his once again. "Im so sorry for everything. After all these years it still eats at me what I done to you. I was fucked up at the time. The booze and pills had me all kinds of fucked up but it didnt mean I didnt want you. I honestly cant tell you why I said that but I can tell you I didnt mean it." I start crying and try to look away but he wouldnt let me.
"You were the best thing that ever happened to me and I was to stupid to realize it. I shouldve treated you better when I had you but for some reason I thought you would always be there. When I sobered up and realized you was really gone I went crazy. I went everywhere and anywhere that I thought you would be. I cried every night and every day I felt like my heart was just gone."
I wiped my eyes and whispered, "Im so sorry Brantley."
"No, no baby, Im the one whos sorry. I dont blame you for leaving me. Hell nobody did. Mama jumped my case everyday for a month about it."
I sniffed, "I found the picture of us in your duffel bag."
"You did?"
I nodded, "I wasnt being nosey I promise. I lost my lighter and couldnt find it or yours so I thought maybe you had a extra one. I didnt look at anything or at the piece of paper the picture fell out of."
He sighed and it looked like he was glad I didnt read it. "I kept that picture because thats all I had of you. Every night before a show looking at it would give me the boost I needed to have a damn good show. When I sleep, I put it under my pillow. I know its stupid but I have to have you with me or I cant survive."
I smile and before I knew it I was kissing him. He kissed me back at first then he gently pushed me away. "Woah baby, you said you only wanted to talk."
I straddled him and pushed his hat from his head. "I know what I said." I kissed his cheeks then his eyes then his lips. "Listen to what my heart is saying now."
His hands were on my sides sliding up and down, his thumbs were under my shirt. He was tracing lazy circles with them. He leaned forward and kisses my collarbone then my neck. "You sure baby." I nodded.
I pulled his shirt up and over his head. He did the same to me. I was wearing a black lace bra, he growled as he kissed the tops of my breast where the lace touched skin.
"God damn baby, I have been missing and wanting this all these years. Im afraid its a dream."
I smiled as I kissed up his neck up to his ear. I whispered "trust me honey, I dont think your dreams can make you feel as good as Im gonna in just a few minutes."
"Holy fuck." He said as he pulled away and took my lips in a searing kiss. He unclasped my bra with one hand. My hand skated down his chest and stomach and came to rest on his belt buckle.
"Make love to me Brantley."
He smiled, "oh baby, with pleasure."
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25.11.2019
I feel like I need to back track here. My first post was vague and fast and intense. Granted I'm not the most literate, but let's get some facts out first.
After battling with eating disorders, anxiety, low self-esteem and depression for most of my teen life, I was diagnosed with clinical depression at the age of 19. I mean, state the obvious doc. I'd dropped out of university after a mental breakdown and got on a train home, the rotten shell of my former self.
I don't really know whether there was any one thing that lead to it. For a long time I told myself I'd just gotten lazy and stopped leaving the house, but surely there must've been something stopping me right? I don't know. I was at a uni I didn't know how I'd ended up at, studying something I wasnt interested in, living in a house, riddled with damp, with 5 complete strangers. Id left my college life behind, where I was 'cool', people wanted to be my friend. I smoked cigarettes and skipped meals, I studied Art and English Literature because maybe it gave me some depth. I dropped a lot of really good friends when I got to college. Clean slate. Masquerade.
Next thing I knew I was at university in a new city, I'd lost my first boyfriend; yknow that saying "little fish in a big pond", well I was a goldfish, in a tsunami, made up completely of sharks, and I let it swallow me up.
I barely ever went to lectures, I'd sit on my windowsill, chain smoking, drinking hard liquor, miserable, but completely oblivious to my emotions. Playing the brooding art student to a tea. Eventually I'd just get hammered everyday and neglect my artwork and alcohol had become the one consistency in my life. I'd distanced myself from everyone and all my passions had faded. I was a ghost. distracted. I didn't sleep for days on end and I'd just sit and stare. I don't remember why I tried to kill myself at university, but I just remember waking up the morning after and not being phased. After about 18 months, when me and the university "mutually agreed" I should step away, because my talents weren't scraping me by anymore, I moved back home. All I had was booze, a dildo, and L. The only things that made me feel something.
God that sounds pretentious. But depression makes you a monster. An egocentric, manipulative, self deprecating, selfish monster.
Not long after uni, me and L became closer. We'd talk every single day and realised that we just clicked and our love fully erupted. It was gutteral and I felt incredible for first time in my life. I was excruciatingly consumed by him and I gave him everything. He told me I was depressed. I'd known, I guess? for a while, but I didn't. He was the first person to ever understand me, probably the only person that ever did to an extent, and he made me go to a Dr.
I was pretty stubborn with taking help for a couple of years, the meds made me gain weight, tired, even moodier. I was comfy in my depression bubble, under my duvet, with him. I'd cancel on my therapist quite frequently, some mornings I'd wake up crying and couldn't bring myself to leave the house, let alone talk about it.
L was diagnosed with Bipolar Disorder shortly before we got together. Depression and Manic Depression weren't the Chuck and Blair we were convinced we were.
L is one of the biggest chapters of my life, especially regarding my mental health, and I need time to think about how I want to talk about that.
My mental health has made me a selfish bastard. For a long time, I'd consistently question my sanity, why was I depressed? Why does nobody realise I am the most miserable person to ever exist? Give me more attention. Why can't I have what I want? Why does nobody love me the right way. I want to die. I disregarded that other people had problems because they weren't as bad as mine!!!! I had everything I could physically want, I was madly in love, what the fuck is happening to me?
That's the fucked up thing about depression and borderline personality disorder. Sometimes, it's the most painful thing a person can go through, but nobody really understands how much you're falling apart, or how you're yearning to just step out in front of that bus while nobody's looking, or how much you wish you could fathom why you can't stop crying, and so short fused at the same time.
I said some really nasty things, out of anger and spite, to get a reaction or intentional hurt those who loved me the most, but for what reason?
To go any further into my timeline, I need to explain the aforementioned in-depth I think, and there's a lot to talk about.
Also, I don't know if anyone is reading this, but writing really is a placebo for me, so I hope my erratic ramblings make sense to you.
And to L, if by chance you do ever see this - I hope you don't mind me writing about us; you know I'll always love you, but I need to get everything out of my head.
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Careful (Roger Taylor x Reader)
Chapter Summary: You’re not the only one who’s developing feelings but Roger is too, trying to have you close to him at first, but then he’s trying to forget you over way too much scotch. This is how both of you get sick and he takes care of you again.
Author’s Note: It’s Roger’s POV in this chapter, yeeet! (Please don’t @ me I can’t tell you why and if you don’t like it I’ll never attempt it again, I promise)
Words: ~2k
Warnings: I’d rate this mature because (and this is a spoiler) someone’s masturbating aaand there’s drinking again and eventually someone has to throw up
Chapter 4
Previous Parts: Ch. 1, Ch. 2, Ch. 3
I couldn’t fall asleep that night because Tiffany never left my head: her reddish-blonde curls, her incredibly green eyes, her lips for fucks sake - I needed that. I craved being close to her, to feel her, to hear her breath like I’d never wanted anything else. The boys had noticed that I was hitting my drums harder than I usually did while messing up their rhythms and I knew that they knew that something was off but they wouldn’t mention it if I got myself under control before our next gig tomorrow night. I just didn’t see how that was possible, when I was now here, lying awake and only the thought of Tiffany’s voice made my whole stomach feel light, in the best way possible. I had no idea how long I’d been staring in the dark but I was seriously contemplating to go out and either get drunk or find some girl to do whatever it took to distract myself. I just couldn’t let myself think about what I’d do to her if she hadn’t been this innocent little princess I saw, every time I looked at her. Even though only my refusal to think of that was enough to give me a hard one, already. I swallowed hard as I carefully touched myself and I stopped trying to shake the thought of her because I knew I couldn’t while I was masturbating - what would it feel like to bury myself in her body, feel her skinny, yet strong legs wrap around me and see her losing herself in my thrusts. God, I just wanted her to feel as good as she made me feel when I got into the kitchen to a prepared breakfast, when I didn’t feel like a dumbass because she’d make me study and when I managed to make her laugh. I gripped on my own hair at the thought of her laugh, trying to imagine it were her tiny hand and her skinny fingers pulling on the strands while I held back a moan. Tiffany Abberforth was the most precious human being on this planet and I’d have to protect her with my whole life, I knew that for a fact.
*-*-*-*-*-*-*
“You wanna join me tonight?”, I asked her, when I met her in the kitchen the next morning. Probably I was being selfish to try and get her out of the comfort of our flat, but I wanted her to be closer to me anytime. She was reading some book like the smart girl she was but she put it away as soon as I tried to talk to her.
“Where are you going?”
“The boys and I have a gig and I thought - since you’re freed now - you might like…?”
“Are you trying to make me drunk two out of three nights in a row?”, she called me out in a joking tune and it made me smile to see her that relaxed.
“Of course not, but I’d like you around me two out of three nights in a row.” Damn, she had no idea what she did to me when she blushed. She looked down at her hands, seemingly battling herself to a decision. “No pressure, Tiffy, if you’re there, you’re there and if not I’ll still play for you.”
“You know it’s not because I don’t want to hear you play, right, Rog?”
“Do I?”, I asked and leaned my head to the side a little too let her know I wasn’t completely serious.
“I can’t see myself enjoying your show in a huge crowd at all, it scares me, especially since I wouldn’t know anyone watching you, too and I - “
“You can join us for our rehearsal on Friday, if you prefer that.”
“That’s perfect”, she immediately agreed and I felt great about it. It relieved the thought of being rejected, at least.
“We can have dinner after, if you’d like.”
“We always have dinner, Rog.”
“No, I mean, you and me - and the boys if we can’t get rid of them - having dinner in a restaurant, if you’d like.” Now I was the one blushing, I feared, as she looked at me in surprise.
“Yeah, I think I’d like that”, she said after a moment and I smiled at her.
“Me too, Tiffy.”
*-*-*-*-*-*-*
I knew I shouldn’t really - even though there wasn’t anything exclusive about Tiffany and me, there wasn’t a “we” if it came to anything else than talking about our shared flat situation, but I still felt guilty and like I wasn’t supposed to let all the girls approach me after our gig.
“Hey there, sweet boy”, one of them purred, “How you doing, love?”, the other one said and “You did so amazing!”, I heard a third one while they really gave me a hard time to move forward, just trying to get to the bar behind Brian. Their hands were all over me and I was glad I didn’t wear something too showing or open, even, and it wasn’t that I didn’t like it, I just felt like it wasn’t fair. I wasn’t looking for anything they had to give me, instead I was trying to figure out which of them reminded me the most of Tiffany, really, and I knew that was just wrong.
“Thanks, girls, but let me have a drink first, would you?”
Of course I ended up buying the three of them drinks and I hated to admit it, but it was kind of a given that I went outside “to smoke”, only to make out with one of them, finally letting go of the thought of Tiffany’s emerald green eyes. I didn’t enjoy the night at the girl’s place - as if the universe wanted to punish me, really, for drinking myself into a state where I didn’t only forget about the girl’s - or Tiffany’s - name but also about my own, to a state where I didn’t care about anything anymore, trying to find relieve in it. I couldn’t even remember the sex for the love of god, only assuming it was good, by how the girl was cuddled against me, how our clothes were all over the floor. But the mattress woke me up, squeaking and poking into my back, which didn’t make the pain in my head any better. I just stumbled to grab my clothes and left, unable to look back at the girl or respond when she called for me, only heading for the door. I didn’t know if it was the alcohol or the hole situation getting the best of me, but I didn’t make it really far without throwing up and horribly cursing myself. I’d done dumb things but they didn’t really compare to last night.
Also, when I got home, there was light in the kitchen. It was an early morning and I knew, Tiffany was one to get up before sunrise but couldn’t that girl let herself get some rest once? She was reaching for the medicine cabinet, when I stepped into the kitchen, feeling her eyes on me and suddenly realising that I could easily be covered in my own vomit, if I was as unlucky as I felt that moment.
“You need help?”, I asked nonetheless and the worry in her eyes got wilder as she heard my hoarse voice.
“Where have you been?”
“I couldn’t tell you her name, even if I wanted to and I really shouldn’t have gone”, I tried to explain, unable to lie to her, or stand her quizzing look another second. “I feel sick, man, I had way too much scotch last night.” What would I do next, call her “mate”? This is really a great way to safe your ass out of this situation, seriously, keep going, Taylor, you’re doing great.
“Makes two of us, though”, Tiffany murmured and stepped away, acknowledging that she was a bit too tiny to reach the pain killers. I reached up, to hand them to her, unable to look her way - mostly because I was really aware of the bad taste in my mouth and I didn’t want her to smell me in the end.
“What’s wrong, love?”, I still asked, scared that she wasn’t alright.
“I get sick after every exam period, really and here I am, coming down with a fever.”
“Then, hush, to bed!”, I said, grabbing her to make her move and tug her in, before I could escape into the bathroom. “I’ll make you tea and get you soup, you just stay there, you hear me?”, I rambled in the process of getting her into her bed. I started brushing my teeth, while I went into the kitchen to put some tea water to a boil and looked through the cabinets for soup, realising I’d have to pick some up at the store. That wasn’t half bad in the end, because it forced to make myself look somewhat decent and I could get new cigarettes, cheese and toast at the store too, so I could at least eat some terrible breakfast when I came back to find Tiffany asleep.
I prepared the soup as it said on the pack and carefully carried it to her night stand, before I sat down next to Tiffany and softly ran my fingers over her face to make her wake up. Her skin was really clean and soft, but it felt hot to a point that I wished I knew a doctor, a better one than myself, for sure.
“Wake up, sweet girl, you need to get your soup down, so you’ll get better.” She smiled at me weakly and tried to move to a sitting position, so she could cuddle against her bed’s headboard and slowly eat the soup I held for her. I watched her eat in silence while I sat next to her, my legs crossed on her mattress, realising I should turn her heater up for a start. The tea water had gotten cold while I was gone so I reheated it, to finally make the tea she needed and I looked at her in her bed critically, while she sipped it. “Tiffy, do you want me to get you more pillows?”, I asked because it was kind of impossible that I had more pillows than she did, right? She giggled at me and moved her head for me to come closer.
“Rog, you’re acting like my mom - worse, actually, because she doesn’t consider you sick as long as your bones aren’t broken.”
“But -“
“I just need to rest, don’t worry”, she didn’t let me interrupt her. “You should go, so I don’t infect you.”
“I won’t leave you alone, unless that was your attempt to kick me out.”
“No, it wasn’t”, she explained and I felt relieved. She didn’t seem to be angry at me or the way I’d spent my night and that made me feel a little less sick.
“Good, then”, I said and slipped under her covers. Her eyes were on me, looking a little shocked, otherwise just intensely focused on me, as I moved towards her to rest her head on one of my arms and spoon her. “You fine, love?”
“Yes, but you don’t have to -“
“But I want to”, I whispered into the back of her neck.
“Thank you”, she murmured, shifting around a little to get the most comfortable.
“I was worried, when you didn’t come home.”
“I’m so sorry, Tiff”, I told her again, honestly. “I really shouldn’t have gone.”
“Glad you realised that”, she mumbled and it made me chuckle a little. Her breathing became slower and deeper when she feel asleep and I hummed one of the songs, the boys and I were working on, to fasten up the process, until I eventually fell asleep as well.
Tags
@crazyweirdocalledfriday @discodeakyy @blondecarfucker
Let me know what you guys thought 💕💕
#roger taylor#roger taylor x reader#roger taylor fluff#roger taylor fanfic#ben hardy#ben hardy x reader#ben hardy fluff#ben hardy fanfic#bohemian rhapsody#bohrap fanfiction#fanfiction#queen#queen fanfiction
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since yall kept fuckin asking heres 1-155. Go ahead and see how fucking lame I actually am
1: Full name: Madison Lyn (I’m not putting my last name on the internet lmao)
2: Age:19
3: 3 Fears: heights, elevators, being alone for the rest of my life
4: 3 things I love: cats, coffee, sleeping
5: 4 turns on: (I’m gonna make it nonsexual okay): body mods, humor, good vibes, nice laugh
6: 4 turns off: (gonna make these nonsexual too): rude, nasty, conceited, takes days to reply lmao
7: My best friend: girl: @bohoangel guy: @bostonnanner
8: Sexual orientation: pansexual
9: My best first date: haven’t had a best one yet, need someone to change that lmao
10: How tall am I: 5′8
11: What do I miss: lots of things and people both too many too name
12: What time was I born: 2:06am
13: Favourite color: blue
14: Do I have a crush: still crushin on my last man
15: Favourite quote: either some vine or “I’m here for a good time not a long time” I have way too many favs
16: Favourite place: my room, best friends house, or beach house
17: Favourite food: buffalo chicken or alfredo
18: Do I use sarcasm: of course not
19: What am I listening to right now: music ;)
20: First thing I notice in new person: smile
21: Shoe size: no
22: Eye color: hazel
23: Hair color: naturally brunette currently red
24: Favourite style of clothing: gothic, pop punk or hippie/boho
25: Ever done a prank call?: I havent personally
27: Meaning behind my URL: I needed to change my url of 8 years and I wanted something short and easy to remember but I also wanted it to be a band so it would fit my blog and surprisingly this one wasnt taken
28: Favourite movie: I have way too many
29: Favourite song: again way too many
30: Favourite band: AGAIN way too many
31: How I feel right now: I feel fucking exhausted
32: Someone I love: okay now Im sad
33: My current relationship status: okay NOW Im crying but single
34: My relationship with my parents: welp my dads dead and my mom and I are okay
35: Favourite holiday: Halloween or Christmas
36: Tattoos and piercing I have: no tattoos yet and I have my nose pierced and first and second holes pierced on my ears
37: Tattoos and piercing I want: too many
38: The reason I joined Tumblr: I was 12 that should be enough
39: Do I and my last ex hate each other?: No. In fact I could never hate him and I dont think I’ll love anyone like I did/do him.
40: Do I ever get “good morning” or “good night ” texts?: eh sometimes
41: Have I ever kissed the last person you texted? last text over imessage yes
42: When did I last hold hands?: I have no idea
43: How long does it take me to get ready in the morning?: I dont do anything really so not too long
44: Have You shaved your legs in the past three days?: dont out me
45: Where am I right now?: my room
46: If I were drunk & can’t stand, who’s taking care of me?: @bohoangel
47: Do I like my music loud or at a reasonable level?: both
48: Do I live with my Mom and Dad?: mom
49: Am I excited for anything?: nah
50: Do I have someone of the opposite sex I can tell everything to? @bostonnanner
51: How often do I wear a fake smile?: eh
52: When was the last time I hugged someone?: yesterday
53: What if the last person I kissed was kissing someone else right in front of me?: I mean idc but it’d just be fucking weird cause they’re kissing in front of me
54: Is there anyone I trust even though I should not?: plenty of people lmao
55: What is something I disliked about today?: I’ll do yesterday since today hasnt really happened. But it was fathers day and my heart was hurting so bad cause I miss my dad more than anything and really wish he was still here
56: If I could meet anyone on this earth, who would it be?: my fuckin soulmate bitch
57: What do I think about most?: in all honesty, my ex
58: What’s my strangest talent?: I can do this smile thing that nobody else can do and it makes me look like a frog
59: Do I have any strange phobias?: probably
60: Do I prefer to be behind the camera or in front of it?: in front
61: What was the last lie I told?: that I was a child of God
62: Do I prefer talking on the phone or video chatting online?: video chatting but I dont mind either
63: Do I believe in ghosts? How about aliens?: fuck yes and fuck yes
64: Do I believe in magic?: I’m a god damn witch bitch
65: Do I believe in luck?: I believe in karma
66: What’s the weather like right now? according to my phone its currently clear and 61 degrees
67: What was the last book I’ve read?: I have no idea
68: Do I like the smell of gasoline?: eh
69: Do I have any nicknames? Maddie, Mad, Mads
70: What was the worst injury I’ve ever had?: I had a staph infection in my foot that went back and forth across my foot and then up my leg (doctor said if my mom didn’t bring me when she did I would’ve died cause it would’ve gone to my heart)
71: Do I spend money or save it?: spend it
72: Can I touch my nose with a tongue?: nope
73: Is there anything pink in 10 feets from me? ye
74: Favourite animal?: cats
75: What was I doing last night at 12 AM?: I have no idea
76: What do I think is Satan’s last name is?: oh shit I’ve never thought of this
77: What’s a song that always makes me happy when I hear it?: good question
78: How can you win my heart?: Be Italian
79: What would I want to be written on my tombstone? I honestly have no idea
80: What is my favorite word? bitch
81: My top 5 blogs on tumblr: I get asked this way too much
82: If the whole world were listening to me right now, what would I say?: probably some hippie bullshit
83: Do I have any relatives in jail?: I’ve had relatives in jail but I dont think anyones in jail rn
84: I accidentally eat some radioactive vegetables. They were good, and what’s even cooler is that they endow me with the super-power of my choice! What is that power? theres too many lmao
85: What would be a question I’d be afraid to tell the truth on? probably if I’ve smoked or drank or have done anything bad but only if my mom was asking
86: What is my current desktop picture? its just basic
87: Had sex?: nah
88: Bought condoms?: nah
89: Gotten pregnant?: nah
90: Failed a class?: nah
91: Kissed a boy?: ye
92: Kissed a girl?: ye
93: Have I ever kissed somebody in the rain?: nah
94: Had job?: ye
95: Left the house without my wallet?: ye
96: Bullied someone on the internet?: nah
97: Had sex in public?: nah
98: Played on a sports team?: ye
99: Smoked weed?: ye
100: Did drugs?: nothing hardcore just smoking weed
101: Smoked cigarettes?: nah
102: Drank alcohol?: ye
103: Am I a vegetarian/vegan?: I’ve tried
104: Been overweight?: no answer
105: Been underweight? also no answer
106: Been to a wedding?: ye
107: Been on the computer for 5 hours straight?: ye
108: Watched TV for 5 hours straight?: ye
109: Been outside my home country?: nah
110: Gotten my heart broken?: of course
111: Been to a professional sports game?: ye
112: Broken a bone?: ye
113: Cut myself?: ye
114: Been to prom?: ye
115: Been in airplane?: ye
116: Fly by helicopter?: nah
117: What concerts have I been to?: pink, metallica/volbeat, warped tour 2016,2017,2018, jingle ball, some birthday bash, I cant remember if I’ve been to any other ones lmao
118: Had a crush on someone of the same sex?: not entirely
119: Learned another language?: not fully
120: Wore make up?: ye
121: Lost my virginity before I was 18?: I’m a child of god
122: Had oral sex?: nah
123: Dyed my hair?: ye
124: Voted in a presidential election?: not yet
125: Rode in an ambulance?: couldve a couple times but my parents decided to drive me
126: Had a surgery?: nah
127: Met someone famous?: I guess?
128: Stalked someone on a social network?: who doesnt do this
129: Peed outside?: ye
130: Been fishing?: ye
131: Helped with charity?: I think so
132: Been rejected by a crush?: who doesnt get rejected
133: Broken a mirror?: probably
134: What do I want for birthday?: lots of things
135: How many kids do I want and what will be their names?: I have no idea
136: Was I named after anyone?: No but I have the same middle name as my aunt
137: Do I like my handwriting?: ye
138: What was my favorite toy as a child?: I have no idea
139: Favorite Tv Show?: American Horror Story, Bob’s Burgers, The Office, or Drunk History
140: Where do I want to live when older?: New Hampshire
141: Play any musical instrument?: I can play the violin and piano and can also sing but idk if that counts lmao
142: One of my scars, how did I get it?: its barely noticeable but literally right under my left eye (like right at the edge of my dark circle lmao) I got attacked by a dog and it bit me in the face and I had to get stitches but I bitched out and had it glued instead lmao
143: Favorite pizza topping? cheese
144: Am I afraid of the dark?: depends where I am
145: Am I afraid of heights?: ye
146: Have I ever got caught sneaking out or doing anything bad?:nah
147: Have I ever tried my hardest and then gotten disappointed in the end?: haha yeah
148: What I’m really bad at: everything
149: What my greatest achievements are: I fucking graduated from high school. Like I would never wish what I went through on anyone ever not even my worst enemy. It was worse than hell
150: The meanest thing somebody has ever said to me: I honestly dont remember
151: What I’d do if I won in a lottery: lots of stuff
152: What do I like about myself: my eyebrows
153: My closest Tumblr friend: I cant say @bohoangel cause I’ve known her since 5th grade so I’ll say @bostonnanner even though we met on omegle years ago lmao
154: Something I fantasize about: lots of things
155: Any question you’d like?: literally whatever anyone wants to know
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I text my younger brother today to congratulate him on his one year out of the penitentiary. He told my parents at dinner. It made them all really happy. It literally took less than a minute to send... Took longer to realize it had been a year... I'd been seeing pictures... And I always have to make room on my phone and I refuse to delete the videos of the day he was last released.. So I was four days late... But what's more is that no one else realized. And that's what they talked about at dinner. My dad Sounded all young and happy... Then for some reason we remembered this time that my brother had a girlfriend he would skip school with... I didn't know because I didn't go to school but I didn't stay at home... Until I just couldn't handle my schedule of going to literally three different schools a day, ranging from high school to vocational to University classes. And working as a waitress. I had had pnoumonia for weeks and no one had noticed... So I decided to just stay in bed and hope no one noticed. But I got up and went out the back to smoke some weed and a cigarette... Then of course I had to take a shit and pee... So I went to the bathroom... It was an old house so the only bathroom was between my parent's and younger brother's room. So I usually went through my brother's room, it was closer and had more space than my parent's with their giant king size water bed and dressers and all. So I heard this girl "Chris is that you!?" I was sick and so I thought I was fucked up.. so I sat on the edge of his bed... I thought let me set myself up straight.. cause my head was fuzzy and clogged up... I knew wasn't no girl in our house in the middle of the day... Unless my mom didn't go to work in which case then I should leave... Before she knew I was there. So I sat to think about what to do. Then I heard her "Chris?! What the fuck are you doing?!" And I was all okay if that's my fucking mom then what the fuck is she talking like that?! Cause my father did not allow her to speak that way to us. So I was all fuck that and if he didn't go to school I ain't leaving to pretend I did. So I get up and open the bathroom door and there's some girl sitting half naked on our lavender purple toilet. What the fuck. Bull shit. Goddam if I didn't have to pee more just seeing the bathroom. "Chris do I look good?!" She stood up and put her back towards me and looked over her shoulder furthest away from me. Oh my god. I'm gonna hit this bitch. "No. What the fuck do you think you're doing?!" She turns with this shocked look on her face, covers her tits and screams. Okay that's not really nice... I should wait till she had clothes right?... Ughhh.. "I FUCKING HAVE TO PEE!!" "GET OUT, GET OUT IM GOING TO TELL CHRIS! OH MY GOD WHAT ARE YOU STANDING THERE SEEING ME NAKED FOR?!?!" "because you won't get out" So she screams like crazy.. turning herself around and bending her knees... I shake my head and walk away to the phone... leaving all the doors wide open.. But then I was like okay if I call the police will I have to explain why I'm not at school? Cause I don't want to. And I'm high. Are they gonna find my weed? Cause I don't want to deal with that either. The phone was basically right outside his bedroom on the wall between the dining room and living room. So.. she comes out "I gotta get dressed!!" Okay fuck the police, I gotta pee. So I go through my parents room and luckily she hadn't thought to lock that door either. So I pee and flush and she's screaming at me that I'm using the toilet. Yeah and it's purple. And I wonder if she's just mentally crazy or if like she spread HIV in our bathroom... Like did I just accidentally kill myself? I decide I'm not high enough to deal with this so I walk through my brother's room to check on screaming naked girl whose all trying to get her shoes on... White tennis shoes. Who the fuck wears those? I figured it was some cheerleader... Where we lived.. all the cheerleaders were sluts... Not being mean, two of my best friends were cheerleaders and both ended up pregnant before we even got close to graduation. Whatever. It's kind of amusing how she's always screaming and then she tells.me she's gonna throw her shoe at me. Seriously. Throw it. Cause you won't. It's all white and shiny and shit like they're meaningful and not just shoes. "And?!!?" The bitch does... Then runs across the room to grab it from the floor cause she obviously did not engage in actual sports. Cause she couldn't throw. I go to my room. I leave the door open so she can scream more... I look for my weed and I'm wondering should I roll a joint or get my pipe from the car.. And if I have to go all the way to my car, shouldn't I just leave? But oh no here comes this girl. I can't do anything she's in my way and I don't want her trying to smoke my weed Because I bet she will. I can tell she's like that. "Your room. I mean the room. It's yellow. You're not allowed to be in here. Wow it's yellow that's crazy. Come on, get out. I'll throw my shoe" So I just grab my weed and shove it in my pocket. Fuck this bitch. I'm about to smoke a big ass bowl. "What's in your pocket?" I stand at her and blink. I'm fucking pissed. "You better tell me or I'll.. I'll" "Throw your shoe?" I laugh "I'll spray this perfume. I'm sure Chris' sister won't mind!" I take it out of her hand as she grabs it from my dresser and I put it on the shelf behind her. "Where is he anyway?" "Oh. Well... You know... Getting some friends. Probably got held up in class" "And you?" "I'm here protecting this house" I seriously want to know who's gonna die cause bitch was stupid. Stupid can be dangerous. But she was scared. That meant ... The fucking bitch.. she was all spinning in her head "I'll... I'll..." Then the slow motion appeared... And her fist slowly went up.. I checked her.. made sure she wasn't gonna do her hair or adjust her tits or something. No she was fucking crazy gonna hit me. Okay first she was like a whole foot shorter than me. Second she was just bones. She looked like a second grader. Cause I know by third grade even Cheryl had more tits than her (that was mean...) But she had gone through puberty via growing hairs as I had seen in the bathroom... Whatever. So I grab her by her shirt. Right at her throat. "Whoa! Whoa!" I paused... "I'm gonna scream" No she wasn't. She wasn't gonna scream two inches from my face in my own fucking bedroom with her clothes on. So I jerked her towards me and towards the door then I shoved her "get the fuck out of my room" I told her through my clenched jaw. And she bounced on the floor. Twice. "I'm ... I'm on the floor" "Don't get up" to make sure she wasnt going to... Because... When I saw her fall. That's when I knew she was dead... And it's that animalisticness we all still have not evolved from... It made me just full of rage and hate and I didn't want her to ever get up. But she did. So I threw a chair at her face. She started crying so I went out through the kitchen to find my brother cutting across the vacant lot next door. Good cause I was about to let his dog in the house to kill that girl... And maybe I should ask him if he minded his Great Dane killed someone that day. "Hey you're here!" "Hey there is some bitch---" But the house, I had left both doors leading out open and the bitch began to scream. So he ran in the house all "oh shit!!" "Great. Now he's going to care. Sorry George" I patted the dog's head... No blood today. I heard footsteps behind me so I turned around "No because I'm a mess. I've been crying and hiding from her because some girl. Idk who I guess one of your friends went into your sister's room and while I was getting dressed..." "You fucked her and then left her in here for me to find sitting naked on the toilet?" The dumb girl was covering her face cause apparently she didn't realize that boys know that it runs and smears and bla bla. Which was good for her cause she didn't see my brother totally bust into laughter. Then she started fucking yelling "there she is!!! Oh my god, get her!!!" That's it. I was gonna punch her. Right in front of him. Let him know what I thought about his little whore. "Sis!! Drop the fist!!" He ran between us. "Hey are you okay? This is my sis. Sabrina, tell her youre my sis. Come on!!" "Hey are we cheating or something? I mean what's going on here?" Cause I mean if it were me and some girl was all in my boyfriend's house acting like she lived there I would be all 'who you fucking and why? Cause I don't need this shit' "Sabrina!! What the fuck?!?!" "See now, that's what I'm saying" I'm very amused at everyone's insane reactions, despite being sick. I cross my arms and put my chin in between my fingers like it's really puzzling. But I don't give a shit. I'm sick and there's some freak freaking out screaming in the back yard and someone was gonna call the police. I lean down to her munchkin face and yell "SHUT UP!!" "what? It's the first time you said that to me! What?! What's goin on here? Oh Chris hold me!" She runs and leans her dumb head on his chest I just bug my eyes like what the fuck have you done now this is crazy kinda bad and I shake my head as to indicate I want nothing to do with this. "What? You didn't know this was my sister?" "No she threw a chair.. she didn't know me" I wait for their dribbling conversation to go and I smoke a cigarette. Really wishing it was a joint. "So wait. You never said who you were and you threw a chair?" "She threw a shoe" "You said I wouldn't. I didn't say anything about a chair. Oh and she threw me on the floor Chris!" And she Huddle's against his chest. I shake my head and roll my eyes and laugh... I guess to some people I would look like a bully but it was funny stupid. That girl was dumb as a sack of rocks. So I roll my eyes again as he soothes her retardation. I really try not to laugh. I almost want to cry because it's so pathetic but more like in a why can't they stop so I can smoke a joint way. "I'm going in" "No wait" "Look. This is a mess and I'm only waiting out here in this piss if you got a pipe" So he pulls one out his pocket and hands it to me. I always hand broke my weed as soon as I got it so it was always ready to roll a joint or load a bowl. "Here there's some in it" "It's cashed" there was mostly just Ash that I could taste "No don't dump it" Okay then. He's back to his wet noodle and I just throw in a pinch of weed on top of whatever he wants to keep in his pipe. I don't question other people's ethics of drug use. Whatever you want to keep trash Ash. I don't care. But I want weed. It's just a pinch, enough for four hits. My friends and I would do it when we all had weed... Throw in the perfect pinch, then every one got a hit, you, them, them, you. the next person in the circle dumps it and refills. We always did it absolutely perfectly. And we always used our own lighters. When one of us didn't have weed or was rolling a joint as Jennifer usually would, we would throw an extra hit so only Stephanie and I would load the bowl/bong. Because Jennifer would usually pass at least once. We had a system. My brother did the "pass the lighter with the bowl" system I don't like that Be responsible and have your own goddam lighter. I don't want my shit stole. So he tried to give me a lighter so he could get passed But no. If I had to watch that girl act like a retard that needs some man to.make her feel better because she's an idiot... Well. I was not sharing. Finally she admitted she was embarrassed and "only wanted to smoke weed" I kicked her ass. And I was gonna let the dog kill her. "Well here" I tapped her on her shoulder with the back of my hand with the pipe in it "She's handing you the pipe" "No I'm a mess" I stand there in the symphony of retardation... And I'm like so fucking sick and she is so fucking dumb. "Yeah well I seen you naked" My brother laughed. He couldn't help it. Then his best friend finally came up. "Here, Tim, help me load this, you got any weed? Can I dump this? It's cashed" "What is cashed?" My brother did not use my hippie words I got from Stephanie's Uncle. "Empty. It's all Ash" "College kids" he shook his head smiling "yeah Tim, load this" "Here just do half, I kicked her ... Ass... It was funny. Here I owe her. Here I'll give you some okay?" "I'm a mess" "And so? I'm sick and you shouldn't be smoking after me anyways so you're gonna need this. I touched you. On your skin" "Oh are you contagious!" "Sis!!!" He snatched the bowl from me "Well I was gonna smoke a joint anyway" I go to walk off. "But what about the weed?!" Okay my patience was fucking gone. If you're gonna sanitize the goddam pipe what the fuck are you gonna do with my weed?!?!? It was a metal pipe so Tim just let the mouthpiece up. After I explained to him that heat kills germs and he was pissed I spread germs on his pipe. Me and the girls never got sick off each other. But no Drama squad. So I gave them a half pinch and went to go in the house. "Well you can smoke, just burn it after you" Yeah then I burnt the hell out of tim's lip cause I'm like disinfect the shit. Make it red hot. And he ended up with some serious blister that looked like herpes from hell. "Y'all need to smoke a joint. Fuck that bowl shit and that girl. She needs help" "Yeah so do you" told me the retard. Seriously? Three more words our her mouth like that and I was gonna throw Tim at her. And of course she couldn't shut up and I did. Then I got yelled at!!! "All I wanted to do was pee and sleep and eat and take a shit in my own house without being screamed at. And you! You threw a shoe!! So what the hell are you telling me?!?!" Tim was both amused and pissed off. So I told him "now you know how I feel, next time don't ask to catch up" "College kids. You know she's in college, right? That's my sis" I walked away "Okay you can go in the house" I locked them out. My dad knew I had quit going to school for the most part... It had been about two solid weeks. He also knew my brother didn't go to school. He just told him that if there was trouble to tell him. So we all had family dinner for once. Denise was shocked I was actually home. And we discussed it after she went to take a shower... Well.. she was hiding in the bedroom, listening... Until she got shoved into the bathroom. Okay if you're not gonna do what you're told, hide someplace else. She for real walked into the bathroom, wrapped her head in a towel then sat on my brother's bed. #death "Not after the day I'm having" I grabbed her arm.. she for real tried to play dead. Like she wasn't there. "Get up" I told her in my clenched teeth. She for real was like playing dead. 'if I don't look at you, you can't see me' "DAD, this bitch---" "I'm going. I'm going okay. I just want to know what's going on" "I got beat up okay? I got beat by a chair by some girl and I think it was you so do you still want to sit there?" I checked to make sure she was naked and in the shower before I went back to the table where my brother was explaining the idiocies of the day. All my dad did was laugh. I just went back to bed. My dad admired us for not going to school. My mom went crazy about it. So she was upset and it made him happy. And he kept us out of trouble. And we were just like him. Fuck people. Do what you want. Be honest Be good. Don't start something unless you can finish it. He came in my room later and asked if I was okay. I told him I was just sick so he brought me some medicine and said that he told Chris not to bring that stupid girl over anymore. They needed to break up. My brother was pissed about it tho. Apparently he really admired me for working and going to college I didn't ever know that And he was upset that I was disrespected He was pissed what I did to Tim but I didn't burn his lip on purpose and I did give him a hug and apologize to him a few days later although he tried to intimidate me with a glare. And for some reason .... That's the memories that came up between the three of us tonight when my dad was happy that his son has spent an entire year and four days out of jail and out of trouble.
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Have you ever:
1) Self harmed?
yeah. i no longer do it tho. i fear the response
2) Got into a real fight?
cam and i would get into fights when we were young. it wasnt serious but hes strong and im weak so bruises werent uncommon. apart from that then no
3) Been too depressed to move out of your bed?
yup
4) Tried to commit suicide?
yes. obviously failed
5) Had to lie to EVERYONE about how you felt?
yeah
6) Watched an entire season of a TV show in one sitting?
no. i dont watch tv
7) Talked yourself out of serious trouble?
yup. go back to self harm
8) Accused someone of using you?
of course. i am so afraid of the past repeating itself
9) Shoplifted?
no. too afraid to
10) Gotten drunk/high?
no. i doubt i never will
11) Been to a concert where your favourite artist was playing?
no. concerts scare me so much
12) Skipped doing homework to play a video game?
not really
(Right now) Are you:
13) Suicidal?
yeah. not like i would ever do it
14) Bored?
no? just extremely depressed and paranoid
15) Avoiding someone?
technically yes. i dont want to talk to people right now
16) Avoiding some task?
yes if you count self destructive things
17) Depressed?
haha yes
18) Crying?
god i wish so. i cant as mum will soon come up to bed and i cant let her see me crying
19) Annoyed with a friend?
paranoia is making me do feel annoyed
20) Worried and confused about something important to you?
yeah i guess
Do you:
21) Get depressed easily?
yeeeesss
22) Get jealous/envious easily?
again yes
23) Feel listening to music can take your mind off things?
depends on the music
24) Worry about messing about your relationships a lot?
yes. a lot. i do it anyway so why worry
25) Try hard in all your classes at school?
i am at college now but yeah. i need to try now
26) Go out drinking?
no
27) Smoke cigarettes?
no
28) Smoke weed?
no
29) Do any hard drugs?
no
30) If you said yes to 28 but no to 29, Why?
no to both. i cant even get away with it so why bother
31) Believe in God/Belong to a religion of your own free will?
no. i am sure i am a nihilist
32) Avoid people you care about because you feel you will only hurt them?
yesyesyes
33) Agree that self harm numbs emotional pain?
yup
34) Believe people deserve second chances?
NO
35) Agree with ‘An eye for an eye, a tooth for a tooth’? (ignoring the religious relation to that saying)
i dont know. i fear being hurt for doing something bad in return so i guess not
36) Think things will get better?
i want to think it but i cant even believe it
37) Feel afraid that you have done wrong and will eventually be punished?
yes
38) (be honest) Do you judge people who think differently to you? (seriously, be honest)
of course
Preference in boyfriend/girlfriend:
pretty sure im on the ace spectrum but regardless ill do it
39) Long hair OR short hair?
long
40) (For Girls one) nice smile OR nice abs?
nice abs i guess
41) (For Guys one) nice smile OR nice chest?
i dont think im attracted to men
42) Shy OR open?
open? as long as they are there for me
43) Eyes OR body?
eyes
44) Religious OR non-religious?
non-religious i guess
45) Caring OR non-restricting of you?
caring
46) Straight edge OR non-straight edge?
i dont know what this means
47) Piercings OR no piercings?
no piercings
48) Tattoos OR no tattoos?
tattoos
49) Quiet stay-at-home type OR party type?
stay at home
50) Has friends you get along with OR has parents you get along with?
friends
Would you:
51) Drink alcohol until you were drunk?
no
52) Smoke weed?
no
53) Smoke cigarettes?
no
54) Get even with someone who betrayed you?
never
55) Forgive a boyfriend/girlfriend who deeply hurt you?
fuck no
56) Attempt to kill yourself if everything fails you?
maybe. if theres nothing to stop me then yeah
57) Keep your faith (any religious view) no matter what?
sure
58) Join a band as a part time activity?
no
59) Feel sorry for someone who is being affected negatively from alcohol/drug abuse?
i mean sure
60) Stand up for your beliefs if someone strongly goes against them?
nooo
61) Go vegetarian for a month to see what is was like?
i might not stick to it but ill try
62) Fight someone who was harassing your friends/family?
no. cant fight
63) Edit photos of yourself before posting them online?
i dont post pictures online
64) Put up with friends who constantly hated against something you believed in/supported?
they arent friends so no
65) Be friends with someone who was nice to you, but a cunt to other people?
i dont really interact with people but sure
66) Not like someone simply because your friend(s) didn’t like them?
possibly
67) Lie to someone close to you because you don’t want them put up with your problems?
oh lots
68) Starve yourself so you fit some certain clothes?
not for clothes, no. i am close to underweight as im 5.3ft and around 110 pounds so very close to underweight
69) Get surgery on any part of you? If yes then which part of you?
no. why bother
70) Sleep naked?
i do that already so yeah
You can only choose one:
71) Black or Orange?
black
72) Metalcore OR Post-Hardcore?
metal?
73) Cellphone or Computer?
computer
74) Chocolate milk OR Coke?
coke
75) Tumblr OR Friends?
tumblr. i can be private on here
76) Apple OR PC?
whats the difference
77) TV Shows OR Movies?
movies
78) Old bands OR new Bands?
new
79) Pop-Punk OR Alternative Rock?
music
80) Reading OR Listening to music?
listening to music
81) Coke OR Pepsi? Define your reason for your choice.
whats the difference
82) Staying who you are OR changing yourself drastically?
staying who i am. the latter would make things worse
83) Breakdown OR Clean vocal bridge?
i dont care
84) Jonny Craig OR Kellin Quinn? Define your reason for your choice.
wut
85) Ronnie OR Craig? Define your reason for your choice.
dont care
86) Your life as a comedy OR Your life as a documentary?
documentary. i know my life is a joke but it suits a documentary
87) Go to outer space OR Go all around Europe?
outer space
88) Shoes OR Shirts?
shirts
89) Chelsea Grin OR Suicide Silence?
nah
90) Drop out of school to get a job OR stay at school and finish your education. Define your reason for your choice.
stay. i am close to finishing college so why bother
Almost over:
91) So far have you told 90 truths? And for fuck sake be honest.
i did my best
92) Are you quiet about your social life with your family?
yes
93) Do you want to travel when you are older?
no
94) Would you let go of people who mean the most to you to follow your dreams?
i dont have any dreams so no
95) Did you notice there are no sex related questions?
i dont care. plus since there are questions about school then good
96) Rather be the opposite gender?
what would that be? agender?
97) What will you name your son/daughter?
hope
98) Do you get harassed more than most people do?
i think
99) What band do you hate the most? Define your reason.
dont have one
100) What makes you a bad person in your mind?
im just so shit and terrible and all i do is hurt others
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This is lengthy. Please, allow me to do this. For one last time. Huli na to.
I honestly dont know where to start, i suck at intros. Idk if you still remember it, i said it to you one time. It doesn't matter. Franz Ernest, this is a eulogy to all the feelings and love i have left of you. Please, let me do this.
6 months after you broke up with me, i managed to build myself up again. I was depressed back then, stuck in the idea of second chances and coming back. I managed to find myself in the process. During those 6 months, it wasn't easy. I had to cry everyday, every night, just to ease the pain and self-pity i had with myself. Until i decided to accept things as they were. I thought i was already okay. I started to open my heart again in silence. I dated one guy. Things were too fast for us, i wasnt able to control myself, i let him touched my skin. But he was an asshole.
The pain didn't last too long, naging okay din ako after don sa kanya ng ilang weeks. I was surprised. I started to pick myself up again. There were handful of guys na nagpaparamdam but i wasn't ready anymore. Pero hinayaan ko lang. I entertained them. Everything became a play nalang sa akin. I wasn't looking for serious relationship bc i know, hindi sila yung hinahanap ko. Hindi ko alam anong hinahanap ko.
I was lost again. I fucked things up. I drank countless bottles of beer and whiskey and tequila. I smoked countless cigarettes. I tasted a couple of lips. I fucked many feelings i didn't intend to. I hurt people's feelings. I was called bad influence for having my bestfriend with me sa mga inuman. I was so fucked up i didn't realize the consequences of my actions. I self-loathe every night. I was depressed again. Anxiety kicked back in. I cried in front of my family, all they knew was bc the problem i had with my academics but no. I ruined friendships bc i hurt somebody else's feelings. I felt like i ruined everything, everyone, that's in my way. Life goes on after all. The world didn't stop rotating. I carry on. Even if it feels like im hanging at the edge of a cliff every single day but i still carry on.
All these things happened the day you and teejay broke up. You were so depressed. I was wandering in nothingness with you when you were in your peril. Funny lang kasi ikaw yung may pinagdaraanan nun pero affected din ako sa lahat. To be honest, happy ako sayo non Franz. I have witnessed you grow as a person. Like a phoenix, you said, that rose from the ashes. Since the beginning i never lose sight of you, figuratively. There wasn't a day that i never checked your social media accounts. Facebook, twitter, tumblr, instagram, snapchat, and even skype. I walked your path. There's nothing to be ashamed of, if you know what i mean. You had to do those things that you did because it was part of your healing process from me. I broke you too and you had to do things that an ex should do — move on and fall in love again.
I wont lie that i was hurt knowing that you had already someone new in your life, but God knows how much i wanted you to be happy, and i knew you were happy, and your happiness was my happiness. It was painful seeing how clingy and showy you were with him, unlike what we had before when we remained our privacy to the both of us with a thin line of secrecy. But again, i was happy for you. I understood your eagerness to be a better man, a better partner, boyfriend. You wanted to be better at everything so you wont commit the same mistake again you did by hurting someone, by making them less of your priority. You wanted to be a better person, you wanted to be braver that love should be showed off regardless of sexuality. I was proud that at some point, you learned, i became a lesson. You dont have to say it bc i know. I've always known.
I was happy for you until that time came you two broke up. You were so depressed. I felt the emptiness and despair you had in those times. Because i once lived in them. I had witnessed you in your downfall and worst. I had crawled in your skin to understand every bit of your thought. I knew about your depression and your anxiety and i was gnashing my teeth bc i can do nothing about it. I was out of the map already. But there were countless times that i was tempted to reach out, countless times i composed a letter. Dont laugh but i sent letters/confessions countless times in those fb pages, for i knew you were fond of reading them. I was hoping you read what i wrote but maybe destiny had it, none of it was posted. You know what i did? I prayed for you every night. I prayed to God to heal you and make you recover from your peril. But you knew i am stubbornly impatient. I did one of the most stupidest things, i messaged your sister, Stephanie. I said to her to look after you for i know you were not very open to your family about your depression and anxiety. I told her that you need professional guidance. Remember my friend who was a psychologist? I told her about your depression and anxiety, and she told me that you really are in need of professional guidance, so i told your sister. I know i should've not said that but i was so desperate to help you in the most possible way i knew. I got a pang in my chest seeing and reading all your posts. I did what i did. Idk, if nabasa yon ng ate mo, it doesnt matter. I guess..
It all started there. My anxiety and depression kicked back in. I was appeased knowing that slowly you were recovering and i didn't realize that slowly too, i was going back to where i picked up myself. From the start. Back to zero. Nag move on ako ulit, and without realizing again, hindi pala ako totally nag move on. Ikaw pa din pala. All along, ikaw pa rin. I ignored the thought. But you cant just ignore it so easily. I fucked things up. Yung mga sinabi ko kanina, yun yung nangyari sa loob ng tatlong buwan. I dont know myself anymore, i lose myself in the process and this time idk where myself is. Everything became a snowball of problem. I lose my control, i lose myself, i was having suicide thoughts of ending everything. I dont want to die but the idea of ending the pain became very alluring. I was scared to be left alone. I stare at my ceiling every 3am doing nothing. Listening to the songs that we used to listen to. Umiiyak ako ng hindi ko namamalayan. I relive the pain everyday. I've been stuck in the idea of you, in the idea na there's no other person who could make me feel the way you made me feel how to love and how to be loved by someone who is very genuine. You set the bar high, so high, that i ignore every person who came into my life. You set the bar so high that i become scared to be hurt again. I have been stuck in the idea na babalik ka. I have been very selfish and dishonest in my prayers that every time i asked God to make you happy, deep inside me has been asking Him na sana ikaw na, na ikaw nalang.
Sorry, i have to say all of these things. I have to and i need to. I hope you understand. Deep in my heart and God knows, i am not blaming you to every thing that has happened to me. There's no one to be blamed but myself. Do not blame yourself for I am not your liability. You are not obligated of anyone's feelings especially mine. You have perils to deal on your own even if i wasn't in it anymore. For one last time please let me say this. Let me relive the ghosts we once were..
You wore white shirt, black skinny jeans, and white starwars vans shoes with a galaxy jansport bag with your white nike cap attached in it. You wore those smiles and those messy curly hair and those eyes searching for a 5'4 ft tall guy wearing a red plaid shirt with a black shirt, jeans, shoes, and bag. Our eyes met as if the moon and sun touched each other for the first time. Every moment was euphoric, Franz Ernest. I was looking at the best man, the best person, that ever happened to me. I was looking at you in those 4am sleep while i was lying in your chest praying and thanking God that He gave me you. I was praying that someday all those coffees in breakfasts, all those piggyback, those endless laughter in our socks and boxers with our dogs in our feet and pizzas in our hand, and all those deep conversations with a milk or tea or whiskey in our side, i was praying that all these things will happen soonest in the future where you at my side against all odds. I was staring at the person, with his eyes closed and his eyelashes perfectly curved and cheeks so squishy. I was staring at you every 4am when you spent your days here. The world was quite all i heard was the sound of your breathing like lullabies in my ears. The time has come for the sun to bid goodbye to the moon, like minutes spent in twilight, you whispered in my ear that you will return. Every word was spoken breathlessly, with all the innocence and genuineness of a brave soul. I was so proud of you Franz Ernest. I have always been. You are not an epitome of despair because you were the best thing that ever happened to me. I am proud of you because you have attained your Moksha. You were reborn in the braver version of yourself today. You're a leo and i'm a cancer who both once wished to take the world together.
This would be the last piece that Im writing for you. A eulogy of all the feelings and love i have left of you. I never stopped writing poems or anything about you but this time, i must say, this writer has to find himself. This writer has once again proved that if there's something you want to say, say them no matter how tongue-tied you are. We create our own path. You have found your home and it wasnt me all along. I love you so much and thank you for everything. Wishing you all the best things and abundance in life Franz Ernest Jacob Valera.
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Today was a long day
My days are always so boring, and on some days life just decides to blow up a lot of things to my face, in a single day. And that’s why I can never really make a good blog post describing my day/life, because I’ll end up talking about a lot of stuff.
Like earlier this morning, I had my driving lessons. Even prior to the lessons, I felt like expressing into a blog post how I always felt apprehensive about them. The day after tomorrow is the day of my driving test, if I pass I get my license, and obviously I don’t want to experience the feeling of failing my driving test.
The problem is, failing a driving test is so common. I have 4 older siblings, and half of them failed their first test.
So I don’t know if I should feel bad about failing, or what. If I should expect failing. I’m a person not used to failing. But in this case, I have a funny feeling if I pass the first test,.
I’m really confused here. I’m really scared too. Because I keep half expecting I’ll fail, and because the overall ‘driving’ thing for me makes me think on how common it is people get involved in an accident, big or small. Especially given the fact that people behave unexpectedly on the road.
Okay that was one issue.
I also have been a little uneasy with the two instructors I’ve had before this, but today I got a different instructor, and I’m pretty pleased with this guy. I first met him during the last lesson, he was to send me home from the driving school. He had an easy-going nature, we had a conversation the ride home (conversations with the other instructors have been awkward), and today I discovered that yes, I would prefer learning with him. Because he won’t declare that I would fail every time I did a mistake, he’d just point it out and give me instructions on what to do if so and so. Yes, I still do appreciate the lectures I get from my other instructors on why I should pay attention to small details the examiner would, but it does just get on my nerves.
I don’t prefer, however, that this instructor smoked a cigarette every time he steps out of the car. And a few other details, but I’m not gonna list down everything that I like about these instructors.
I was supposed to have another lesson tomorrow, but seeing because these were extra classes, and I had to pay extra (RM40/hour for 3 hours), my dad told me to practice with my brother around the neighbourhood. The test route at the school had more traffic and wider roads, whilst my neighbourhood has narrower roads (but the cars are bloody fast) and a few inclines (a lot of speed bumps too).
I got home at 11 am, and before 12 I went out with my fam to do some shopping. I was already tired after the driving lesson, but oh well, I have been staying at home doing nothing for so many days.
Cut to the chase, at one point I thought I saw this guy that I used to like about 2 years ago. My automatic reaction was to turn away and hide my face. I braved myself to take a look at him when he’s passed, only to learn that that wasn’t him.
I was glad that my heart hadn’t leapt up to my throat, like the last few times i saw him.
Guess what? A few hours later, we moved to the mall next door, and while the rest of the fam went to perform prayers, me and my sis went to a shoe store.
The guy was there. Yes.
My eyes didn’t have to take 2 seconds to know it was him. Well, the whole time me and my sis was there, I completely pretended that I didn’t see him; though I knew we were going to come back to the store later, with the whole family. So when the rest of the fam had come, we went to buy clothes and to buy some stuff from the pharmacy.
And when we got back to the shoe store, I made the first move, of making eye contact, of making that face where I pretended ‘waiitt,, I know you....’ (literally, with a forefinger held in mid air and squint my eyes).
Let me do a quick background story.
I had an eye on the boy when I was 12, the first few weeks of secondary school. But I learnt he had a girlfriend, so I told myself to back off. Near the end of the second year, I helped him find some books, and he said my name, and I was like ‘oh, crap, I do have feelings for him’. I saw that his facebook status was single, so I let myself observe him.
Fast forward middle of the third year, I had a really bad crush on him, and during September/October I initiated contact with him on ask.fm. It’s a site where you ask people questions, you can do it anonymously or with an account. Long story short, he found out who I was, (worst feeling ever) but the next day he didn’t seem interested in talking to me irl. I was SOOOOOOOOO devastated. SOOOOOO devastated. Why? Because I was (am) such a shy person. I was not pretty (still am, but I’ve accepted myself for who I am and idc how I look like)
Then I picked up very subtle signs that he had a thing with my friend’s friend (who, on the fourth year, became my classmate). That was the very worst day I’ve ever had that I can remember, also, I overdosed on something on that day that made me kinda sure I was going to die that evening. But I didn’t. And on the fourth year, I learnt that he had a girlfriend (someone not from our school), which left me confused, because i thought my classmate was his girlfriend?
Apparently my classmate was confused too, but I never asked anyone about it, and I decided I don’t like him anymore (it wasn’t as easy as how I’m making it sound, obviously).
A very short period after I decided to see myself as superior to him (I don’t remember if the very next day, or the week after that), I actually talked to the guy.
Okay let’s get back to what happened today.
So after I acknowledged his presence (and I gestured that he and my younger bro both have the same names), I still purposely not-look-at-him that much. Yeah, I asked him about the shoe sizes and asked him for this size that size whatever and when I was being goofy trying them out in front of my parents he kept glancing over at me and -was he smiling?-.
Oh, I forgot to share the tale of when I discovered his girlfriend’s ig (his was privated, but my reaction’s still pretty much the same when he approved my follow request) and I was, how do I describe this,...
You really like a guy. And you really look up to him. He has a lot of qualities you like, I mean, he’s so similar to how you’d want your son to grow up to be. (p,s: currently, I’m hoping I won’t fall in love and get married and start a family) And you discover that his girlfriend is one of those selfie+duckface types, doing oozywoozymybfissoannoyingbutshoooocutie captions/comments, and you’re like, teary eyed, you deserve so much more than her!
I think what I need to inform you is that my heart didn’t have a panic attack. Sure, my hands trembled a bit, I was a little shook, but I’ve put him, I have strained and exhausted myself to put him behind a few years ago.
Afterall, I was in love with the guy in my head, not him.
He’s a nobody to me now. We only exchanged like, 4/5 sentences. (oh, i also need to tell you my father kinda did his ‘teach em a lesson’ to the guy because my younger bro wanted to buy socks, and father was like ‘ARE THOSE SOCKS HIS SIZE’ and the guy was like ‘erm, they’re free size’
‘YEAH BUT DO THEY FIT MY SON’S FEET’
‘yeah, we just measured it’
wait i need to interrupt
oh my god the guy of my -past- dreams was bonding with my younger brother who has the same name as him
the guy of my -previous- fantasies of my future has met my family
the guy who i want(ed) to spend the rest of my life with has seen how challenging his future (perhaps in an alternate universe) father-in-law could be
okay continue
‘THOSE SOCKS ARE MEN’S SIZE. YOU SEE?’ *wagging the socks* ‘MEN. THIS IS A BOY. A CHILD’
to be honest, that child’s feet are almost my size, but,... *does not interfere*
and when everything’s all paid, the guy freaking smiles (i wasnt looking, ehem, but, like, i have invisible eyes all over my head) and said thank you please come again in the sweetest way i know he could do to my *older* brother who did the payment.
so like, we only exchanged like 4/5 sentences each, but I couldn’t help my mind going over those empty exchanges, wishing I had said more, wishing I’d replied differently, with different words, just...
okay wait to finish everything off, i was so beat when we got home, but my father made me practice my driving, and it’s 11.16pm right now.
i made the title today was a really long day because i woke up at 6.30, after days of waking up at noon. my bedtime has been 2 am for almost 2 weeks now, (i just can’t sleep early). i need to get enough rest minimum until my driving test the day after tomorrow.
well, that’s all im going to share to no one on tumblr right now.
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