#god help me i cant stop thinking about the past present and future of this dang show

[k4pp4-8]

I think about my own headcanons so much that i forget they're not real like what do you mean boxman and gar weren't childhood friends who had a big falling out and now hate each others guts

#god help me i cant stop thinking about the past present and future of this dang show #do you guys like my little eugene #because i do #i have too many ideas i need to get them out of my head noooow #children are so hard to draw tho #ok ko lord boxman #ok ko mr gar #eugene garcia #lord boxman #i need to name this au too #ok ko let's be heroes #ok k.o.! let's be heroes #ok ko fanart #kappart #my art

[etherealkissed88]

𝐣𝐚𝐧𝐢’𝐬 𝐥𝐚𝐰 𝐨𝐟 𝐚𝐬𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐩𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧 𝐠𝐮𝐢𝐝𝐞

this is how to actually apply the law & this is how i personally manifest. it includes main points that i always try to share on all social media platforms. this guide will contain five steps for how to manifest. enjoy!

🎀 𝐭𝐚𝐛𝐥𝐞 𝐨𝐟 𝐜𝐨𝐧𝐭𝐞𝐧𝐭𝐬

𝐈. know the 3d is neutral

𝐈𝐈. identify as the inner self

𝐈𝐈𝐈. be the desired version of you in imagination

𝐈𝐕. fulfill

𝐕. its done

🎀 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐭

once you've decided what it is you want...

𝐈. know the 3d is neutral: everything in the 3d has no original meaning, it is always you who assigns it meaning; this is why you are the operant power. you always choose what everything means so stop labeling things as ‘circumstances’ when theres nothing against you, until you give it power by assigning it w meaning. everything in the 3d includes circumstances, thoughts, emotions, doubts, time, everything. all of it has no original meaning. knowing this means that theres nothing to fear and absolutely everything is under your control. as the only source of power, why would you worry about “will this thought manifest?” or “how can i get over this hard circumstance?” when you decide everything’s meaning? no circumstance has power over you, no anxiety has power over you, and this can help you feel more free to make it easier to accept that you really do already have what you want. you cannot be a victim in a reality that has no original meaning. its your choice to identify with any thought or feeling, meaning you have control.

𝐈𝐈. identify as the inner self: yes the human body experiences this 3d. but this human body and five senses are very limited. think about it: if you want to manifest an sp, you cant see your sp's thoughts or if you want to be rich, you cant see money getting transferred into your account, or fat cells burning to give you your desired body. you are also imagination playing the role of this human body and life. so you yourself is limitless, imagining what we label as "limits". imagination = the inner self. you are the inner self who is always present because you are always manifesting and its the inner self (imagination) who manifests. you are always the inner self but when you identify with your human limits you give power to those imaginary limits such as ‘negative thoughts’ and ‘circumstances’ while on the other hand, identifying as the inner self means knowing those limits dont exist. thats why its important to identify as the inner self (you can call it god) who is simply experiencing a human life and has the power to change any aspect of that life. to identify as the inner self, just know you are the inner self and you should never be limited to the human self. if you find yourself searching for shit in the 3d, thats a sign of identifying as the human self. experience what you want as the inner self in imagination to be free. to the inner self everything is instant: when you imagine something it is happening in the now, not past or future. everything is in the present. as the inner self, you remove the idea of a 3d. there is no human self or 3d now, just focus on limitless imagination.

𝐈𝐈𝐈. be the desired version of you in imagination: now that you know you are the inner self, be the desired version of you in imagination. this means imagine using any techniques you want. if you want to be rich, you visualize, affirm, script. use inner convos or sats (and other techniques) to imagine already being the rich version of you. once you imagine it you have already experienced it so it really is done. you also dont have to use a technique, you can simply decide you already have what you want but i personally recommend using a technique at least once. let me give you an example: nelly wants to manifest being rich so she chooses to visualize a scene where she is taking lots of money from the bank to imply that shes rich.

𝐈𝐕. fulfill: whatever you imagine doesnt matter. what matters is how it makes you feel. for example, it doesnt matter if nelly visualized the bank scene or if she affirmed shes rich because techniques dont do anything besides bring you to a fulfilled state. so when to fulfill yourself, imagine whatever you want that provides you a feeling of satisfaction by using whatever techniques you are comfortable with. keep repeating the scene or affirmation or technique until you successfully feel satisfied. you may be able to feel this fulfillment while doing it once or multiple times. you may be able to feel fulfillment in a few days or in one hour. the point is to generally feel good about embodying that ideal version of you. fulfillment = the feeling of knowing you are already that desired version. you reach this state of satisfaction therefore accepting that you already have what you want 100%. the more you continue to get into this fulfilled state, the more natural it becomes so its okay if you dont feel completely satisfied the first time. thats why i said repeat that scene or technique.

𝐕. its done: congratulations, you are what you desired. you are the one with the sp, the one with $100,000, the one living their desired life. continue being/identifying as that person in imagination aka persisting. persisting means continuously choosing to identify with the ideal version of you whenever you think about it. see the world through the eyes of the one who has to their desire already. move thro the 3d knowing it is done in imagination. this means you could continue enjoying your techniques by visualizing or thinking as the desired version of you. but also: thoughts come from your state so if you are in the state of being fulfilled with what you desire then your thoughts should naturally match that. if it doesnt, dont stress, just continue satisfying yourself in imagination. being in the state of the wish fulfilled aka feeling fulfillment helps make it easier to stick with your desired state/assumption. whenever you feel lack, fulfill yourself again and remind yourself that its already done. its already yours. theres literally nothing else to do since you experienced it in imagination, youve fulfilled yourself and feel satisfied in imagination and continue sticking with that regardless of the 3d. regardless of the 3d means you are indifferent to the 3d because you know you are the one in power above the dead 3d. you dont care about what the 3d is showing and you stay true to self because that is how you apply the law.

🎀 𝐡𝐨𝐰 𝐭𝐨 𝐦𝐚𝐧𝐢𝐟𝐞𝐬𝐭 𝐬𝐮𝐦𝐦𝐚𝐫𝐲

know the 3d is always neutral so theres no such thing as something working against you, only you give thoughts and circumstances meaning and power. know this because that proves the only source of power that exist is always you so you control everything and nothing in the 3d can tell you no

identify as the inner self, not the human self because the human self is limited while the inner self is forever free and limitless and experiences everything instantly

be the desired version of you in imagination by using any techniques you want

fulfill yourself by satisfying yourself in imagination with whatever techniques or simple decision. return to this fulfilled state / repeat using your techniques to make it natural and give you that knowing feeling

its done meaning theres nothing else to do but persist. no depending on the 3d when everything is already within you. just experience it in imagination and its done instsntly.

🎀 𝐜𝐨𝐦𝐦𝐨𝐧 𝐪𝐮𝐞𝐬𝐭𝐢𝐨𝐧𝐬 + 𝐚𝐧𝐬𝐰𝐞𝐫𝐬

“what do i do if there are negative circumstances in the 3d?”

- remember that everything in the 3d is always neutral. you can claim they are negative but dont identify with these ‘circumstances’ by making and dwelling in imaginary negative stories and thoughts. you can say and do whatever you want in the 3d because it never matters (since its all neutral) so theres no need to ignore circumstances. just dont accept them as final. let the discouraged emotions and thoughts out but know you dont have to accept them as true or identify w them. there are negative circumstances. okay and? if circumstances were so hard to get past how is it possible that people still manifest while experiencing the complete opposite of their desire in the 3d? because the 3d and circumstances never matter. you are imagination which always molds the 3d so why worry about the 3d when it will change either way? remember your only job is accepting you have your desire in imagination only. you can accept you dont have shit in the 3d and continue living your normal (shitty) 3d life while still being the version of you who already has your desires in imagination. you can accept the 3d circumstances and move on. im telling you: if you were really fulfilled, you wouldnt care about 'circumstances.' gently get back into the fulfilled state when youre ready. also: you deadass have the choice to identify w the 3d or identify w already having your desire. so its all up to you.

“what should i do if i feel anxiety?”

- whenever i feel anxiety i observe it and let the feeling pass because i know it is always neutral therefore anxiety has no power over me. i would do meditation just to calm myself down but i would not try to force myself to feel fulfilled or do techniques. mental health comes first so relax and calm down, then you gently get back into the state of the wish fulfilled. i dont identify w negative emotions and thoughts. and if i find myself dwelling in it and imagining negative stories, i just stop myself and decide it didnt effect me (or my manifestation in any way). returning to the fulfilled state is always the answer.

“ive been persisting for a long time but it still hasnt reflected”

- stop trying to get shit in the 3d and start being satisfied with already having it. these links might help: 1, 2, 3.

"i feel fulfilled but the next day i fall out the state"

just return to the state whenever your ready. thats all that matters. it doesnt matter what happens but how you react: are you accepting/assuming that you "ruined your manifestation" or do you just move on because you know you are still human who experiences demotivation? read these: 1, 2.

if theres anymore questions, check my masterlists for answers: tumblr, twitter.

🎀 𝐦𝐲 𝐭𝐢𝐩𝐬

- actually apply the fucking law. a lot of you just ask questions and then “try” to apply and when one thing seems wrong, you go back to asking questions and wasting both your time and mine. persist. apply the fucking law and stop looking for outside validation.

- get tf off your phone. this is my favorite tip ever because the internet and people can rly demotivate you. delete social apps like tumblr and twitter and insta etc. you already know about the law after reading this so give up on search for more info. being independent from the media and your phone rly provides freeness and calmness. you know when you tell your mom your sick and she says something like “its that damn phone”? well lemme be your mother real quick and tell you “its that damn phone” when you complain about “the law not working”. the law is always working. you just arent applying correctly to get what you want. get off the phone and find some other hobbies instead of overconsuming.

- dont use your past “failures” to validate your current experience. you can do it! i know you can! its too easy but you think its hard.

- you always hold all the power so dont identify with negative thoughts and if you do, you can just decide it doesnt affect you (either way it wont unless you identify with the thought/emotion). you always have a say in every second of your life. be the god of your reality.

- remember, your only goal is changing self: you change who you are being in imagination and stick with it. if this post was not clear enough, i have a law of assumption cheat sheet on twitter for clearer info. but after this, its time to delete your apps and actually apply. im not playing.

- for the links that are from twitter: some of them are threads and you could only see it thro the twitter app to see the full thread

thank you so much for reading. i rly hope this helps people and clears things up. now delete your apps and apply! it all comes down to YOU.

kisses, jani ☆

#etherealkissed🎀 #etherealkissed #loa blog #manifesting #law of assumption #loassumption #edward art #neville goddard #desired appearance #desired self #desired life #master manifestor #manifesting it #inner man #living in the end #imagination creates reality #imagination #affirm and persist #loastates #loa assumptions #loa tumblr #loablr #manifestation

[itssideria]

also i NEED to talk about the writing for these last three streams because it has been fucking phenomenal. and i don't use that word lightly. everything about ctommys ending this weekend—the fallout from cwilbur leaving, the half-baked plan to kill cdream, the callbacks to the past, the bringing in of inconsistencies and plot holes and other's character arcs—it is remarkably executed. the pacing is incredible. none of the interactions feel wasted or unnecessary. stuff that has plagued the fandom for years—where's the missing nuke? why does the end matter so much? what's the point of death if you just end up in limbo? what are cpunz and cdream actually testing?—we're finally getting answers!

and the CHARACTER WORK. oh my God, the fucking character work is incredible. cctommy and tubbos acting is off the charts. their interactions w each other and with the villains are better than anything i could have hoped for. they're nostalgic and sad but still looking toward the present and future, they're terrified and alone but they still find time to smile, they're working together—no one's leading, no one's standing around. they both have agency! despite it being (as far as we know) mostly tommy's writing, it manages to pay due diligence to everyone involved. it's so so respectful and manages to keep a lot of focus on ctommy without just pushing everyone else to the side and that is SO beyond impressive.

AND THE PLOT. i am going to be like eighty something years old still going on about the way the plot for these streams was written ITS SO?? GOOD??? the story has surprised me maybe like TEN different times so far and yet every plot twist feels so so earned. the themes are there, the callbacks to the past are there, the love and passion and tension are there—i could cite examples, but I'd just be bringing up every moment of all three streams so far. just the fact that wilbur burning the 'discs' was something that came back and SAVED tommy and tubbo—that was beautiful, actually. i can't stop thinking about it. and even though we're all scared of what may happen to ctommy today—i still have faith. so so much of it, in fact. this story has pulled out the rug from underneath us so many times. cctommy is a skilled fucking writer. i genuinely have zero idea what could save ctommy and ctubbo now, and though I'm scared for the character, I'm not scared of it being a bad ending. if it's anything like what we've seen so far, it'll be one of the best finales on this smp.

(it also makes me fucking angry because well. cant help but think how this could have gone if the villain in question wasn't a shit person irl but i digress. it's a good story. i love ctommy, and i'm excited to say goodbye.)

#mari talks #dsmp spoilers #dream smp #tommyinnit

[semi-imaginary-place]

more kubera posting 2

New airavata likes to present herself as a calm and rational leader but between the sidestory and this she's violently insecure self serving.

why do I always end up liking the doomed side characters with no screen time.

when claude recieved that oracle and lifespan from brahma, brahma was in that cloaked form. so im wondering how claude's oracle was suppose to help the losers of the previous universe.

I was thinking about asha in season 2. She originally gained power to take revenge on the suras who killed her village and the plot to resurrect ananta as a whole assuming her pointing out former god kubera to leez was mostly honest. Now though she seems to resent visnu's manipulations and is gaining ananta's power so that she can decide her own future? Her ambitions become unclear to me towards the end of season 2. a good part of this is that asha becomes increasingly unstable in season 2 as yuta notes her soul cannot handle the power she already has not to mention all of ananta's power. i empathize with asha but most of her suffering is self inflicted she resented the kids around her as a child and sought to prove to everyone how great she is, to stick it to them and be at the top of the world. she resents leez for having had rao as a father and other for their bonds to others but asha had many people who wanted to know her as a person and genuinely cared about her like brilith and lorraine.

Oh yeah and since asha failed to kill lorraine her chances of "winning" fell from 90% to almost 0. I think about how yuta said asha's soul could not withstand the power she already had not to mention all of ananta's power. In that sense a motive decay would make sense. I was also thinking asha and leez are alike in that both of them respect and abide by the decisions their past selves made instead of trying to take another path

We see indra mind controlling? Idk manipulating the human king into starting a war and we know indra killed aruna and caused the electrical storms. So i always wondered why human kinnara named time (rao) as the one behind the human king's executions. But its because kinnara wanted to lure kubera to the temple of time. The question is why kinnara-airavata would want that since kubera tries to stop the name transfer. It could be to make human kinnara more desperate to help her but i think human kinnara would have done that anyways.

I just remembered currygom compared agni to a fireball and everything he eats burns up so i dont know how fleshy gods are and there was that statue made out of gods blood that asha fed to yuta so they have blood?? Anyways i was thinking a vampire could make a pretty good living drinking god blood. Or like you could feed a sura that way

"Literally a thought that keeps plaguing my mind ever since god blood was introduced was "were sura meant to feed on gods?" And then it turns out Nastikas regain vigor by eating the environment, thus symbolically feeding on the gods by eating their domains I very much think that in an "ideal" world, gods would be fed to sura on the regular so that they reach a real peace of them- either that, or gods would pair off with Nastikas/ sura of similar attributes and empower them by creating their environments" (oddeyesight)

I was thinking about yama, he might be the most compassionate god, he wants to do right by everyone not just people he has personal connections to and seems to care the most about mortal lives out of all thevgods we've met. He was also kinda set up to fail. Its like that boss that hires you on and then makes you do the work of 4 people and complains when you dont finish it. Like his work load was always going to be more than he could handle so he was set up to be overworked with a job he could never finish or catch up on. An eternal thankless job where everyone hates you and is constantly trying to beat you up so that their one important person can be the exception to the rule. i cant remember quite but i get the impression there were other gods helping with the paperwork who over time ditched.

the catacylsm is just a mystery to the audience for such a universe altering and recent event. And we dont even know if raltara was part of the stable timeloop ora new element maruna added

#kubera #kubera one last god

[paradisecas]

I posted 3,970 times in 2022

That's 3,970 more posts than 2021!

244 posts created (6%)

3,726 posts reblogged (94%)

Blogs I reblogged the most:

@quicksilver-castiel

@pussypopstiel

@jumptheshark

@kellykline

@midamdotlivejournaldotcom

I tagged 2,974 of my posts in 2022

Only 25% of my posts had no tags

#q - 642 posts

#queue’ll be my guide - 261 posts

#mine - 249 posts

#midam - 146 posts

#michael - 87 posts

#video - 58 posts

#adam - 57 posts

#michaelghoul - 55 posts

#gt - 53 posts

#midamoul - 53 posts

Longest Tag: 139 characters

#and adam having the angry ominous glowing stars for eyes when michaels like no shes never seen me before. nobody has. you’re the only one i

My Top Posts in 2022:

#5

dont know how yet. but toying w the idea of something along the lines of— the apocalypse goes wrong, but instead of falling into the cage, michael and adam are shot back in time. something about michaels wings being injured his grace being leeched away so they cant just pop back to their time. michael says he will heal in time hoping it will be quick but. it is not.

~200 years sharing a body on earth. adam grappling with the past and history. michael actually living among humans within a vessel with no big Purpose other than just waiting to heal. building a life over and over again before having to move on before people notice how adam doesn’t age. living through horrible events not being able to change anything. michael thinks god will find them, adam tries increasingly ridiculous ways of contacting the future that never work out. looking for angels who would hopefully help them. something with lily sunder. meeting monsters esp immortal ones. maybe they even meet rowena who knows. reaching the year kate milligan was born.

eventually realizing like. what would they even do when they got back to their present? both of them are entirely changed, different, faithless. neither of them even have something to get back to. over a hundred years waiting only to realize they weren’t waiting for anything, really.

and i think it ends oh somewhere still a while before their present but it’s chuck decides he wants to use michael so he heals his wings and his grace and they only want to use it to travel within the past but chuck pulls them to 2019. still missing a decade. this time michael doesn’t go back to chuck in the end because he spent all that time with humanity and doesn’t see how destroying them could be in any way good. and from there? no idea. happily ever after or whatever.

94 notes - Posted March 8, 2022

#4

See the full post

96 notes - Posted November 22, 2022

#3

thinking of all the different types of soulmate aus i loved in my youth and their midam potential.

everything u draw shows up on them? adam doodling on his arm and in heaven everyones like um michael there is. i think thats a flower? allll up in u.

seeing in black and white until you meet your soulmate? the first time adam sees color is when he looks at michaels true form and then immediately hes in the cage for a thousand years. something something dreamscape in his memories all black and white even though he Should be able to see color vs michaels angel memories being his only exposure to a colorful world.

telepathy? adams twirling his hair trying to mind flirt with his soulmate and michael’s like. just another prayer !! why is it so loud. hush, little human, pray a little quieter

timer on the wrist? adam dies before it runs out but it keeps going in heaven he thinks he’ll meet them there and then he’s too wrapped up in yk. being tortured and abandoned and possessed to realize it ran out. (could it be bobby or something? why would it be him. well who else did i meet before you dragged me down here?)

stop aging until you meet your soulmate? adam has a nifty excuse for why he looks like hes 19 (but not for why he vanished for 10 years) and michael worries that he’ll prevent adam from knowing he’s met his soulmate so he makes himself a new body and adam immediately starts aging.

body swap for a day? oh baby. adam wakes up and he’s suddenly an incomprehensible being who is expected to Literally Run Heaven but he’s honestly a little more stressed out about the fact that apparently GOD (or his stand-in) is gonna be taking his finals that day. can only hope god knows how to do calculus.

100 notes - Posted April 27, 2022

#2

See the full post

101 notes - Posted September 5, 2022

My #1 post of 2022

adam has never heard of one direction. went to hell Months before they formed and missed the entire heyday. that’s the worst part about his time in the cage i think

140 notes - Posted February 27, 2022

Get your Tumblr 2022 Year in Review →

#ah the old queue tag. got sick of that real quick #and my longest tag… michaelwave… #also. that’s 3970 more than last year! yeah girl i didnt have this blog last year. thanks for the reminder that i made the conscious choice #to get into spn in 2022 tho.

[missfingers]

Just me vibrating over here waiting for the next amazing addition to your fic~~ ;D As per random ask, any ideas you've been tossing around for future fics?

THANK YOU SO MUCH !??! god let me tell you its excrutiating having to sit and wait to upload each chapter I JUST WANT TO GET THEM ALL OUT THERE ALREADY !!!!

pre-emptively sorry for how long thisll get. help

there ARE a couple actually. two of them are related to my other fic so ill get to them in a second, but the first one is actually something ive gotten like .. half written but not rlly happy with.

i wrote this other weird ass oneshot thinkpiece where majima as a 40 year old has a bad trip and kind of hallucinates meeting his past self in the hole. if you havent read that i can post it again if you want. i have this whole Thing about traumatised characters getting to be their for their younger selves when no one else was, because like. if no one else was there for me then i needed to be there for myself, you get me? so i wrote that, and then i COULDNT stop thinking about that concept

so logical next step: time travel. LMAO. idek i came up with this bullshit idea of like. somehow directly after the hole early 20s majima gets thrown through a time loop all the way to uuuhhh around 2010 ? between y3 and y4. and ends up washing up on morning glories beach. and cue being taken in by kiryu and getting to heal (CAN YOU SEE THATS A COMMON THING WITH ME ?) and kind of becoming a big brother to the kids and eventually kiryu has to call yknow Present Day Majima cause he cant keep this secret anymore. and eventually that leads to young and old meeting and etc etc whatever would come with that. again i have it half written and dont . really know if ill ever do anything with it but itll always be in my head

aside from that i have all the various ideas in my head for thtfy spinoffs - i have an entire yakuza 0 rewrite plotted out in a document with the first couple chapters (Poorly.) written. idk if ill ever Fully write that but theoretically that would be a sequel (spoiler: it ends in kazumajimako polycule.) im happy to post parts or all of that plot skeleton if ppl are interested in that

the other one thats most clear in my head is actually nishida centric LOL cause .. i cant say like Exact stuff cause itll be thtfy spoilers but nishida and majima wouldnt be able to meet how they do in canon but i REALLY LIKE their relationship so i needed some way for them to meet. and that fic would essentially be a majima retrospective from nishidas pov, an outsider look on his courting, engagement and eventually marriage and child with makoto, etc. i just love nishida. it would also be heavily inspired by tatsu and masas relationship from way of the househusband if thats any indicator

wow ive talked a lot. hi. THANK YOU !!!!!

#I LOVE RAMBLING ABOUT MY FIC CONCEPTS CAN YOU TELL ? LET ME RAMBLE MORE PLEASE #thank youuuu tysm #lucy.txt #rgg

[bellyhurts]

its been like 17 minutes since i told myself id do homework i need to do it but i just spent all that time reading through all my tumblr post...

god i hate myself

not bc of the homework thing ill get it done but because of just reading the posts

not really i dont think

i just hate myself

but not actually

just a little

maybe i feel bad for myself...

no self pity is lame

god do i hate myself?

when i read the posts i know edxactly what ii was refering to at the time... but i dont think i make my psots easy to decipher all the time

like when i saw the posts that said "im so nervous" and "nervous nancy" followed by the psot a few hours later saying wtf why do i actully have rizz" and then "wtf is wrong with me" im like: oh my god!! i know why i was posting that at the time!! like wowowowow thats how i was feeling thats wild!

i really do feel for myself.. why am i this way???? everyone probably pities themself sometimes.

idk i didnt deserve that... and i shouldnt do that.. wouldnt trade it for anything though. i wont stop though

im not evil im just human

im just learning

im scared for when i reach the age where i cant say that anymore...

is everything gonna be okay?

everything IS okay. i get GREAT grades, i have a good home life, i have 2 close friends, i get to walk and listen to music all the time...

i think that part of it is jealousy but theres always a wishing to get worse you know?

i don't think i'll ever be fejwlfjew but i think thats okay... im happy. i think. edcept for when i think about things too much

i pity myself

i guess i pray to the future me. you know? i wonder if i typed all my old posts knowing that the future me would read them and be like a therapist from another time...telling msyelf not to worry. i think i just did it because i need to say things and i dont have anyone that i call spew all my dumb stuff to without annoying them or making them think im mentally ill which i am not.

plus i need a place to be self centered. i guess this is that... some place hwere i only talk about me. im okay with no one listening irl because i dont want to portray myself as insane. there are some things that can only be written too. i wouldnt want to talk to my therapist about a lot of things because i dont want him thinking im insane. i know thats a therapists job but im saying like theres stuff that i really shouldnt say.. scared maybe. i wanna educate myself on law or soemhitng so i know what my therapist can tell my mother or can get me admitted for.

do i even want help? i seriously dont think so. the better i get the worse i want to get. right now im in a good middle ground. im happy, i dont cause conflict in the house too much, im not exhausting myself, i get things done, life is pretty okay. sometimes i will participate in some efwljfkwel activities though. maybe thats just my way to cope. its not harming anyone,, and i really dont believe its harming the present me too much.

maybe itll harm the future me like how my past decisions currently hurt me. not out of regret but out of pity. it just hurts that i did that... you know?

i really should do my homework but i have time (Not really)

im thinking of doing the bare minimum rn and waking up extra early to finish everytihng up. probably what i wanna do.

i know its only been a week of school since the weekend (weird way to phrase it??) but i need a break. im fine with school its not tiring or anything but god i need a break from life. not like life life but i mean hanging out with people, having things i need to do, etc. i need a week where im all alone. i love my friends but god i need alone time. i always feel so guilty when i dont hang out with them though because i dont wanna be lonely or lose friendships so i find myself hanging out with my friends mainly to "maintain friendships". i love them so much but please i need time.

this post is making me sound so mentally unwell but im doing so fine i promise (who am i promising?)

god

why is my heart rate so fast

lemme count it rq

okay its actually pretty normal its 80-ish bpm but it feels fast

i feel so shaky

i wonder if its the sugar i had earlier... i know some foods or larger amounts of fodos always make my heart feel fast and make me shaky but i havent really discovered what foods those are.

im always so nervous posting on here because what if i say something that makes this all tracable to me. i dont wanna lose opportunities beause of some dumb tumblr posts.

i know i should use like my journal or something but its comforting knowing that this can be viewed by someone for some reason. i mean id be mortified if someone told me they read all my posts but idk. maybe also its nice because i can always lose a physical notebook or lose the passord to my google docs but tumblr is public and i can always look at this tomfoolery from another account. plus this feels less formal. in my actual physical journal im very messy and i get sucked in when i write but its so messy its unreadable, it cramps my hand, and sometimes feels inconvenient. on my actual online journal i established it as something more formal... for life and mental updates for myself. im scared

i dont know why but im so scared

im so so so scared

god why did i just feel like i was about to cry

i want to curl up and cry so loudly in my moms lap while she tells me its okay but i cant i cant i cant. if i did she would think im mentally unwell which im not and id be such an inconvience to her.

last time i cried in her arms she told me that i gotta "say everything" to my therapist and that he can help me. help me with what?? she said that i deserve someone good that can help me? i told her that im normal.. she told me that she didnt want a normal daughter she wanted a happy daughter. i am happy. i just repeated that im normal because i know she sees me as different in some way. i see her as different in soem way too. i think i'd see my sister different than everyone else if i didn't judge her so much. i feel so insensitive but i always invalidate my sisters issues/struggles because i feel like i had it worse and that she has it so well. i konw its so bad and i need to remind myself that... she is a human being, she will struggle, and i should be happy that what i was so used to makes her suffer... im glad she's not used to badness like i was. that makes me sound so emo but you know. i just invalidate her so much.

anways. i think that seeing someone so closely..knowing them almost better than you know yourself will make you see them as less normal. or something. i dont know. i know my mom sees me as different. i doubt she sees my sister as so different than society. maybe its because im socially a little odd. she thinks i try to push people away/unsettle them. i dont. im just awkward around a lot of people. i like telling myself that im not everyones cup of tea. maybe thats just a way to excuse my social stupidity. my best freind always asks me how can i find myself socially stupid if im friends with like everyone. maybe shes right, but i dont think os. im not friends with anyone. weve just been conditioned to be nice to everyone and people are nice to me. yes people trust me, yes i have inside jokes/ get alogn with a lot of people... but do you seriously think i hang out with them outside of school? we use the word freind too loosely. if i never text someone, we only talk in school, and never hang out outside of school... no matter how much we know about each other, no matter if we've seen each other cry, no matter how long we've been "friends," we are NOT friends and thats okay. i try to be agreeable. people think im funny at least.

i need my mom to hug me and let me cry into her arms but i dont want her judging me or worrying about me i just need my mom. god im about to cry. why do i make myself feel this way? this was just supposed to be a post about not doing my homework.. now im writing like a multiparagraph essay. i need to say things. i guess i need to organize my thoughts. speak to the void.

you know i think i write in this because i know that future me will read it... emaning that future me will be alive. meanign that i'll be alive in the future. meaning that everything will be okay. if future me is alive, it means she overcame things, and shes now smarter, and as she's reading these paragraphs, she remembers how she used to feel, and pities her old self once again. and then maybe writes more to the future future me. and the cycle continues. until im dead i guess. maybe someone else.. a child? will work as a future future future x1000 me.. i doubt it. i dont think someone will ever care about me as a person so much as to read everyting ive thought. im currently pretty much just writing my thougts. nothing is organized. im just rambling. i would film a video but i dont have space in my camera roll, and even if i did, i would never want a video of myself saying stuff. some things are better kept written. anwyays. hello future me. and the future me after that. etc. i wonder if im laughing at this in the future. probably... in some time in the future. i bet ill laugh while also pitying my current self. self pity is so lame.

speaking of children. honestly.

door is opening. my moms home. ive been writing for like an hour. homework for tomorrow i guess. ill maintain a convorsation with her while i write. actually maybe ill close my laptop and return to this later. i mean i could use the excuse that this is homework...

[maybe-its-micheal]

Like an Orange Spark...

/rp /dsmp

Ghostbur watched as Dream, Tommy, and Techno talked. He was sure he had just known what they were discussing, but now the context seemed to slip through his fingers... he was used to the feeling, though, and shrugged it off. He tried for a few minutes to pay attention, but kept forgetting what everyone was talking about, amd decided to do something else. He turned his back to them, and let his eyes wonder across the snowy landscape.

It was really was a lovely day, the leaves of the spruce trees swayed slightly in the chill breeze, leaving shadows dancing on the ground. A few small bushes peaked up over the snow, dotted with red berries, and the sun sat in the center of the cloudless sky. Ghostbur heard a slight rustle from a near by bush, and spotted a hint of blue from behind it.

"Listen, Techno, you owe me. Im calling in that fav-"

"Friend!" Ghostbur yelled, interrupting whatever it was Dream was on about.

Techno's expression, a mix between anger and concern, shifted to pity as he looked over at the ghost. It was odd seeing the man who he'd once fought alongside like this... he was a capable leader, and a dangerous enemy. But that was in another life...

Tommy was tense, and flinched as Dream snapped his head around to glare at Ghostbur. He grumbled something under his breath before turning back to Technoblade. "Look. I dont want to make this a big thing-" Techno put a hand up to interrupt as he gave Dream a serious look. He turned to Ghostbur, handing him a lead.

"Hey, Ghostbur. Me and Tommy need to talk to Dream, but I saw a patch of blue flowers on the other side of the village. How about you take Friend and see if you can find them?" He asked.

"Ok!" He responded excitedly. Blue was his favorite, he was always looking for more. "You guys have fun!"

He tied the lead to Friend and ran his grey fingers through the soft wool. He turned to go, hearing a few hushed sentences as he walked off.

"He shouldn't have to watch something like this," Technoblade whispered.

Dream scoffed. "Not like he'd remember anyway. But now that he's gone, I want Tommy to..."

And the voices trailed off. Wilbur decided to fill the quiet by talking to friend- that always cheered him up! "Today I've been spending lots of time with Technoblade!" he told the sheep. "We brewed a whole bunch of invisibility potions together, it was lovely. You know, I think they may be his favorite kind of potion, he kept going on about how much he wanted to share them with Tommy." He gave a slight chuckle, then stopped walking. He turned around to look back at the group. "Technoblade seems to really like Tommy. I cant imagine why..." he said with a jokey smile, eyes fixed on Tommy. He was a bit hunched over, still looking at the ground. Every so often he looked up, nervously glancing to Dream with big, glossy eyes, and then looking back down. Ghostbur frowned. "Maybe that was a bit mean to say. I was only joking," he clarified to Friend. "Tommy isn't all bad."

Ghostbur turned back around and kept walking. On his way to the village he got to thinking about Tommy... he could be really annoying, there's no denying that, but he also had a lot of good qualities. He remembered when they were first making L'manburg together; those were good times. Tommy had been very brave, then, and determined too. No matter how grim a situation looked he never seemed to be afraid of Dream, he just kept going. Maybe he was just a naive child, but in the end... the details were fuzzy, but Ghostbur was sure that in the end it was Tommy who did something to secure the future of their nation.

In the quiet he couldn't help but overhear some of the conversation taking place back over the hill. Their voices were getting louder, maybe they were all excited about something. A smile dawned on Ghostbur's face- maybe they'd sent him away because they're planning a surprise party! He stopped walking again, and did his best to listen.

"I am not handing him over to-" Techno's voice yelled.

"... control over... give it to me! Him. Give him to me!" Dream responded.

"You've done enough dam..."

"... never should have trusted..."

"I dont want to kill you."

It was hard to keep track of who was saying what, but it didn't sound much like party planning. Ghostbur went back to walking- he could see the wooden roofs of buildings in the distance, which meant he was getting close to the village.

In all the yelling he wondered why he couldn't hear Tommy's voice. Maybe he just hadn't listened hard enough- that was probably it. Being quiet is quite unlike Tommy, Wilbur thought.

"Come on, Techno... favor... my..."

"I dont want... can't betray him agai..."

"...Im sorry."

"Theseus."

Theseus... he wasn't sure why, but that name lit something up in the back of his mind. It was only there for a moment, like a flickering spark. A memory. Phil had told him and Techno about Theseus when they were kids... it was a bedtime story, he thought. He pinched the bridge of his nose, and shut his eyes, trying to focus on it, and see if he could get the spark to come back. Friend looked at him with a tilted head and bah'ed, as if to ask why they stopped walking.

"... can make a deal..."

"Hand him over... want..."

"I'll never fall for..."

"He's just a kid, Dream. He..."

Wilbur could see the spark in his mind- a little glowing dot of orange bouncing around in an infinite void of grey and blue darkness. Then, all at once, the spark lit up, erupting into a flame that filled his entire mind. Ghostbur jumped backwards with surprise, falling into the snow.

His mind took him back to another time; another life, when he was another person. The war was still going on, the first one with Tommy, Tubbo and Fundy. Eret had already betrayed them.

In his mind, he saw Wilbur- himself- no, Wilbur- standing on the banks of a lake back in Dream SMP territory. An oak path stretched over the water like a bridge, and Dream stood to one side, Tommy on the other. They both held a bow and a few arrows.

Fundy and Tubbo were there with him, and so were George and Sapnap. Everyone was deadly silent, except for Wilbur. He was counting, loud and clear, his voice echoing over the scene.

"...in it for me..."

"...give you... ever want..."

"Fine, its a deal."

"...I'm sorry, Tommy..."

"... Theseus... cliff... the person he took refuge f..."

"...faster."

"... seen it coming."

The talk was drowning out the memory... the firelight was flickering, and peices of the scene were covered with grey darkness and splotches of blue again. Ghostbur was desperate to hold on, he held his head in his hands and pushed his eyes shut tight. "No no no no no," he muttered to himself, hoping for it to stay just a few moments longer. Through the fading light he heard his past self reach the number 10 amd stop counting... Tommy and Dream turned around to face eachother.

"Please, Techno, I dont want to go," Ghostbur heard from back in reality. Tommy's voice was breaking through his memory... it was all falling apart.

"Come on, Tommy. Take off the armor, don't make me do this the hard way," Dream replied.

"I dont want to, Techno. Hes going to kill me, please!"

"I'm not going to kill you if you cooperate. Hurry up," Dream barked.

The memory was almost gone. There was no more Fundy, or Sapnap, or oak path. It was only water as a heap of bubbles disturbed the surface. When they cleared Ghostbur could see Tommy struggling in the water. He was about to reach the air again, but then-

An arrow plunged itself through Tommy's heart, killing him instantly, and it all came flooding back.

He was snapped back to present day, and running back to the three. Friend was left behind in the snow. Dream shot Tommy. That was the memory, how Tommy lost his second life. Dream shot him. "You BASTARD!' He shouted at the top of his lungs as he sprinted back the way he came. "You fucking BASTARD!"

Then the darkness started to come back... Ghostbur balled his hand into a fist. Dream let out a yell... and it all went grey.

Next thing he knew, he was seated with Technoblade in the house. He looked around. "Oooh! You're brewing! Are you making invisibility? Thats your favorite potion," he told the pig. Techno looked up.

"No, its... harming." He replied. "I thought- you know since you're undead it would work kind of like skeletons and zombies."

"Aww, it's for me? Thanks! But why would I need to heal?" He paused, feeling a bit cold. There was a draft- maybe a window was opened upstairs.

"Because-" Techno stopped and looked at the ghost. "Do you not remember?"

Ghostbur paused. "Hmmm... well I know Dream came to visit. And then... something about an arrow? No, that wasn't it... I guess I dont really remember. What happened?"

Technoblade sighed, and set the potion down. "Nothing big. Im just glad youre ok."

Ghostbur laughed, "well yeah! It's not like I could die again!" That draft was getting big- he looked down.

"Oh." He said. There was a massive hole in his yellow sweater, but the grey akin underneath was left unharmed. "How did..?"

"Dont worry about it. Phil is already working on making you a new one, too, by the way. It'll be blue."

Ghostbur gasped. "Oh my god!" He exclaimed with a smile, "thats my favorite color!"

Technoblade chuckled. "I know, Ghostbur. I know."

"I should tell Tommy," the ghost decided. "Where is he?"

Techno's face fell. "He... had to leave."

Ghostbur shrugged. "I don't remember that, when?"

"Just a few minutes ago... he went with Dream."

Ghostbur smiled pleasantly. "Thats nice, they really are such good friends."

"Yeah..." Technoblade replied. "Friends."

#wilbur soot #technoblade #tommy innit #tommyinnit #dream #dreamwastaken #dream was taken #mcyt #mcyt fanfic #mcyt fanfiction #dsmp #dream smp fanfic #dream smp #dsmp fanfic #dsmp techno

[neo-shitty]

toffee!

hehe glad i could make you laugh, oooh that sounds awesome! yeah id love to be tagged it sounds great :)

YES the differences are so fucking weird. like, they do know they're the same age right? i feel like its just an exagguration of how much the persons role in the group matters, like we see chan being held up as such a mature, old leader while jungkook who is literally the same age, is still babied etc. like enha hyung line is basically the same age (if a bit younger) as chenle and jisung but somehow the rules are different?? as you point out, still legal but still bizarre. hehe yeah, i mean where else are we going to rant? quora lol. mmm, hopefully more people can just write less smut abt people who are barely adults

ah, no prob it didnt take long. yeah i think thats right (i keep forgetting you know my url lol) mmhmm :( i think if that happened irl there would be some major trauma going on. knock wood it never happens to you or me lol (/hj)

hehe same! oooh glad Redemption For Cheese was realised! yess we cant rllycomplain that theyve written/produced too much good music lol. yeah, ive dragged him into being a stay so *dusts hands off* mission accomplished. mmm yeah, they tend to have a certain vibe but tbh it couldve worked if they were any other group but ¯\_(ツ)_/¯ ahh ur one step ahead of me on the stages of listening to ssick i think, still not convinced but thats okay! hehe, it had to be said. yesss the itch in the back of my brain is very satisfied by sorry i love you, felixs vocals deserve to be appreciated! (side note i feel like hes trying to sing more like his speaking voice, sorta husky, but tbh i wouldnt be mad if he sang like in glow, his sweet honey vocals made my life lol. but i think ive heard him say he doesnt like singing like that cos it makes his normal voice less husky, so what can you do)

> YES SOMEONE SAID IT. seungmin rap KING, he sped thru that rap like it was nothing, he deserves more rap lines. i do like how they gave minho some melodic rap lines this comeback, my guy deserved to show off those skills that made him not be eliminated (flashbacks to stay collectively wanting to murder jyp) and we already know changbin can sing, my man murdered masked singer. hyunjin can obviously sing as can jisung and felix, and i want to hear chan rap more! i feel like he started as part of 3racha (as a rap unit not producing) and then just became a vocalist (which im fine with, but it could be nice to hear him flex his rapping skills) and was partially replaced by hyunjin. anywayyy

back to album talk. lmaooo sad music to twerk to PERFECTLY describes silent cry. yes secret secret is and will always be, a masterpiece. hehe glad i could make you laugh :) i just felt like they have similar vibes. putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised. oh my beloved track, red lights. ahh thats okay, we can have different opinions, but by god the lyrics are *chefs kiss*. *banging on table* TWISTED AU TWISTED AU TWISTED AU. yess id love to see ur take on it! sdfghjkl it would have been glorious

no no! not stupid, just able to predict my brainwaves. ooooh thats so cool! makes me want to go there (wherever there is lol) yeah the waves are pretty good here, but none of my familys a surfer, so we dont rlly enjoy the full potential lol. YES moving on to gone away, it is indeed a heartwrenching track, but the vocals and the bloody key change? makes me want to brave being sad just to listen to it. mmm yeah, good point :( i feel like ive just gotten used to overthinking so much so that it doesnt matter what mood im in, ill do it anyway, so might as well just do what i feel like doing anyway.

yeah i think ur right! it is quite comforting knowing that all the tracks will get the love they deserve. i feel like also people assume kpop is just one genre which is utter bs. there are so many different vibes and feels and songs, i couldnt get into kpop (of which i thought only the bright cheerful present day bts stuff existed smh) until i heard gods menu so... idk where i was going with this but yeah. :)

YES FUCK YG, theyre literally on the brink of being kicked out of the big three and they are holding their salvation hostage without letting them do ANYTHING. idek what thought process goes thru their minds but arghhh its so infuriating. yess lisa's cb will be awesome but ot4 is the gold standard here.

hehe, glad u could get to this point. no no! u dont sound like a cult member at all lol yeah, i loooove some of their songs but the whole 23 members thing is getting to me. thats prob a common problem with nctzens but what can i say? im a simple girl with a limit to how many korean boys i can give my money to. atm im just trying to get into ateez and finish memorising enhypen's faces. also kard is kinda sucking me into their fandom atm, as well as eric name lol. ah what can you do? ooh thats good!

hehe i love it too! its exactly like online penpals, that was rlly well put. aww ty! hmm im okay, recovering from a bad case of rsv so thats fun. im doing okay mentally, starting therapy soon (after having to convince my mother that its not just smth i can brush off). physically i wont go into, basically i should be doing stretches to help but they dont completely fix it so my lazy ass doesnt do them, plus i got told recently im going to be stuck with this condition for the rest of my life so thats fun! ah, before you type smth dw abt me ill be fine. the weather atm is cloudy but warm, its been raining on and off today which is good for the garden. uhh i just finished reading sunburnt veils and im in the middle of prom theory which is rlly good. ummm ive got a concert tonight? that i may or may not be able to sing in (bc of the whole rsv thingo) and uhhhh idk. my dog is cute? im drinking tea rn? ive got a school dance coming up?

wbu? hows ur day going, how are you? whats the weather like on ur end? done anything interesting lately? found smth that makes you rlly happy? just any random thing youve been dying to tell someone?

no no! dont apologise, i love these exchanges. i think im happy to continue them for a long time :) on the other hand, if you get tired of them, feel free to just not answer at any time. goodness gracious this was a long ask haha hope it isnt too annoying

<3 w.a. 🐺

sorry it took me a bit to reply, i was fixing my theme ;n;

yeah, i figured it was because of the roles too. my friends and i still get taken aback when 3rd gen idols are the same age as 4th gen ones. in my head it doesn't add up sometimes. PLS THE RANT AT QUORA SKJDK tbh tho it's just going to be normalized as the years pass? esp that the boys are growing older and the amount of explicit fics will just increase. i might have to start blocking tags.

i had to look up the previous ask to remember what we were talking about xd i hope the events in champagne problems never happens to anyone. realistically, it probably happens a lot. damn i really won't wish that pain on anyone. dragging your brother into being a stay i whEEZED JFKSA additional noeasy music enthusiast o.o and ALL I CAN SAY WITH YOU GUSHING ABT FELIX IS AHA WHIPPEEEED OML can't blame you tho, i also want to hear felix sing more in other shades (if that makes sense HAHA) i really hope they'll do the role exchange in the next comeback :( or like in the near future bc i know they can do it :( the day i hear seungmin rapping it i will respectfully pass away. minho was given more lines this comeback thank fUCK i could rmb my irl being vocal abt her frustration. i don't get why minho barely has center time/lines in title tracks??? like the line distribution in the past eras just made me ???? if seventeen can balance lines with 13 members why cant a group of 8 do the same? moving on. i haven't watched the stray kids show simply bc i don't want to cry HAJS but i've seen clips. imagine if skz debuted without minho and felix?!?!? i rmb another irl catching bias feels towards changbin bc of the masked singer only to find out that the man's a rapper. i love how skz's vocals were highlighted this comeback :c there were a lot of mellow tracks! i find it cute when chan sings/raps bc it gets kinda obvious that he's a foreigner? the accent (im not even sure if it's the accent) it just shows. "putting off skz stuff bc of not having time to cry IS the kpop stan life summarised." CORRECT.

abt the twisted au o.O i'll inquire my irl if she wants to write it or not. if she doesn't want to, i'll do it. i miss writing twisted aus <3___<3 and i also miss going to the beach with my friends :' ) but it's starting to get cold here and i don't think i'll be able to enjoy the beach as much as i would if i went beaching in the summer. so maybe next summer? gone away really has an sm-ballad vibe. the thing about skz being a self-producing group, their songs don't sound like typical jype songs? and i just appreciate that bc in all honesty im not a fan of jyp groups at all. PLS the overthinking. i wish i could mute overthinking.

anyone who assumes kpop is just one genre obv hasn't listened to a single track. if kpop was just one genre why do i like some tracks more than the others??? oh you've only recently become a kpop stan? tbh im not a fan of the bright songs of bts either. i liked their older ones *chefs kiss* really matched high school vibes. yg has good artists and they're just wasting the talent ~.~ that strategy they have will get tiring eventually. people will stop waiting on blackpink and move on to newer more active groups ://

HAHAHAH yeah the 23 members is pretty overwhelming! it was the reason i didn't bother stanning before quarantine started. i don't regret stanning tho, met my ult bias in that group <3___<3 i don't really purchase albums unless i like the tracks xd ohhh getting into ateez just in time for the comeback! let me know what you think about them! i was fond of them at some point but grew out of it. good luck with memorizing enhypen! it took me a while to distinguish to people there XD i haven't checked out kard yet but chan plays their songs during lives and they're sexc hype music me likey *u*

i had to look up rsv im sorry. i'm glad you're recovering! please rest more and don't stress yourself out. bro i wish i could go to therapy too bc i have weird issues i can't justify and i need a professional to tell me what's the reason behind it. stuck with what condition btw? what happened? i'm sorry in case i just forgot. yesterday was a bit rainy for me too :(( it's not the type of rainy that makes me anxious so B) oh concert! good luck and i hope you'll be able to sing but i also don't think it's best for you rn :c what's your dog's breed? and yes i just finished drinking tea too. AAAAA i miss school dances :(( the last one i was supposed to have was cancelled bc of covid.

i was less productive today and i'm teetering between being mentally stable and becoming a hermit again. i'm anxious with a lot of things atm so like : D not the best state. today it was a bit sunny but not hot hot which was nice. i changed my theme today bc i couldn't wait for sept. 1st. and no i haven't found anything that makes me happy HAHAHA shit like that's hard to identify. don't have anything to say too, i'm just thinking about why i'm procrastinating too much atm T_T and i'm listening to this rap song atm and one of the rappers sounded like han.

it isn't annoying! i enjoy the long exchanges but i do admit it takes me awhile to type down a reply. so if i get more busy, it'll prolly take a bit longer for me to reply.

#toff.asks #wild anon 🐺

[spitandfroth]

My Psychedelic Journey

Why take mushrooms? 

What do they do to you? 

I want to explain why I take them, my reasoning is not for everyone if anyone else at all! We all have our reasons. 

So, Since being 16 i have taken drugs, started on pills, then coke and onwards. I had a coke & speed addiction for a 2-3 year period and often relapsing. I had consciously not taken psychedelics as i have known I've been mentally ill since being 20 and being diagnosed and given Prozac at that age. I was wary that i would have bad trips or i would be stuck on a trip. I just felt the risks were too high, especially taking medication and all the other drugs. Pretty sure i took LSD one night at a party was these green things and i was off my nut, i was in a different reality and i was quite honestly scared. i went skinny dipping in November at Great Yarmouth beach! So yeah it was a weird thing to happen and to this day can't remember what these pills/little plastic-looking things were or what i did with them, literally can't remember if it was paper or a pill. they were just in a bowl with all the other drugs. 

I digress, several years later, I’d been clean maybe 1-2 years of all substances including weed, well maybe the odd joint but we moved somewhere we couldn't find a supplier! So we would have to make a 2-hour drive down to manchester just to pick up but eventually decided it wasn't worth the money in fuel. We were also skint which didn't help matters. We eventually found a supplier of weed and met new people who like us, liked drugs. We started sessioning on anything and everything. Mainly research chemicals as they were cheap and plentiful. m-kat hadn’t be criminalised at that point so we were importing large amounts of it. My friend, Xander decided to start making his own drugs. We were all sceptical about it but we trusted him. He made LSE(?) which is pretty much LSD but i think weaker, that trip was a nightmare as i spoke to my boyfriend just before the trip and i hadn't hung up and he heard me slagging him off...Anyway, moving on lol He made DMT one day, took ages. We had enough for the 3 of us who wanted to do it and my god, it's a short trip but it changed my way of thinking forever. I may revisit the DMT experience later. We did DMT a fair few times before i abruptly moved out as i ended the relationship with my boyfriend. 

Now i did some research online, it wasn't as fruitful in results as it is today, we are talking 10 or so years ago. So came across mushrooms and some scant info on where to find them and how to take them. I went for a walk with the dogs, we lived in the middle of nowhere, 1500 ft above sea level (lived on top of hartside) and by a river and lots of sheep. Anyway, i started looking in sheep fields and soon realised that the fields were full of them! I would collect enough for a few doses at a time and dry as much as possible. I was taking shrooms 3-4 times a week including at times DMT. 

So we’ve got to where i am taking them, i best explain why and what the effects were. 

To be honest i took it as an escape. My relationship was a nightmare, he made me feel like death was my only escape. I had spoken to friends who had used psychedelics and they thought it might help me feel better. I had started being in pain a lot too at that point but not medicated for it. I was still taking meds but when planning i stopped taking them the day before. As Psilocybin is affected by SNRI’s. That applies to most drugs though tbh. it gives you a very high tolerance, you have to take more to feel it. Which could result in serotonin syndrome. 

I wanted to search deeper inside myself, i had been interested in Buddhism and Krishna consciousness for maybe a year at that point and i saw it as a way of speaking to god. to confirm to myself that he existed. What i got was a revelation. 

So using it so regularly means i can't remember each trip but i can give you what i learned and saw from those experiences. 

I would take maybe 10g (its rough but 6 cup teapot with a handful of shrooms in) of fresh shrooms in tea. Tasted rank but get it down you! Then wait, and it is a waiting game!  

I would sit cross-legged, often by the log burner, just close my eyes, listen to music and i would feel calm. A completely blissed feeling. An inner peace. I could see patterns and colours, swirling great vortex’s of colours and light. If i opened my eyes the patterns and colours overlayed the room and i would just forget i was in the room. I would see parts of my past, like showing me it wasn't my fault, that i should let go of trauma. I saw my present and it was like looking at my brain, black, covered in clouds and dying. If i touched it then there was a flash of colour. I saw the energy of the universe in front of me, glowing and pulsating in front of me, my heart beating with it, a feeling of supreme power came over me like i had been recharged. I was seeing my future, i saw the love i am capable of giving and receiving. It showed that my empathy wasn't a weakness and showed i was a good soul, It made me think deeply on experiences and learning from them, it cleansed me, it rewrote who i was. All hate drained from me. At peace with myself and others. The visuals were amazing, you can't describe it, you cant show the colours on a palette, you cant imagine the scale of this place. It truly was an amazing thing to do with my life for a year. 

So it showed me a different me and overtime i morphed into that person. Today i am still hugely empathetic towards people. I have a kind and calm nature. I don't hold onto hate & i respect myself more. 

However, i have decided i need to revisit the energy, i need its healing and recharging. I want to journey further and this time i get to do it with someone i love, my sister. She’s used drugs infrequently for a few years but like me, she has mental problems and wants to try shrooms more holistically than just ‘getting high’ and she thinks i can do that with her. I will be there to look after her, to experience everything with her. I want her to get to where i did and she sees life differently. That she grows as a person. It will be a very special journey that i get to be a part of.

So we reach the end of my epic. I hope you read it and enjoyed it. Maybe learn something, understand it better, i don’t know but most of all it's out there. Sharing experiences are a solid way of learning and getting to know someone. 

Enjoy your mushrooms, be safe & enjoy your trip <3 

#pyschedelic #pyschadelic #psychedelia #shrooms #mushrooms #magic mushrooms #magic truffles #getting high #breaking through #tripping #drugs #high on drugs #growing as a person #god #energy #mushroom picking #liberty caps #psilocybin #shpongle #hang drum

[theravenclawmonster]

I thought getting diagnosed would be able to get me help...(post 2 of dunno how many)

The previous post of this series of posts can be found in this link post 1

Trigger warning: This post (and the later continuation posts after it titled the same) may contain mentions of abuse, mental illness, suicidal thoughts and many more things which i will try to edit in it after writing the post(s) (hopefully i’ll remember to) [yes, this is the same in all posts in series]

Disclaimer: this is just a written account of events that happened in my life in the past few weeks and my emotional/ physical response to those events. I am writing this here so that it stays here as help for people to read and maybe see what certain things feel like, and as proof or diary for when i forget what really happened and start to believe her words. Also, this is going to be a long post... a very long post. 

Okay, where was i? The first visit to the doctor. I had my tests done and bought the acidity medicine and the vitamins he suggested (i had already started to take vitamins again since a couple of weeks before, he just added folic acid to that. I also have a bit of an issue with vitamins and people telling me to eat them indicating that all will be well after that; but more about that later). in the pharmacy, my mother was pretty upset with me cuz i kicked her out of the room and told me some stuff i don’t want to remember right now. ummm... basically she said “ why did you ask me to leave, what secret were you going to tell the doctor? what did you tell him we did to you? i know what you think about me. you could have just said it all in front of me. what was with all the secrecy” [funnily enough, although i did ask her to leave, my reason was cuz i can’t really speak in front of her (she interrupts a lot too) and i was worried that i’d cry and didn’t want to hear about it for another 6 months. there was no secret or i didn’t even think about mentioning the abuse, cuz how do you just go to a stranger and say “ hi i am in pain and my parents abuse me”. even asking for help for my pain was demanding enough for me.] . she also “informed” me very angrily that the it wasn’t allowed for a woman to be alone with a male doc, a nurse must be present (which was not present) and that is probably why doc didn’t do the proper physical checkup. Well! he should have (if he thought an extensive one was necessary; he did check my breathing and stomach softness), called a nurse in or my mother in. i didn’t have any issues with him doing my physical checkup alone too.  and he didn’t mention anything about that to me at all.

Anyway, I went back thinking God knows how long was this process was going to take and if i had the energy to fight for myself and make people believe that i was actually in a lot of pain. the reports came back fine (the expensive test one too, to much displeasure of my father “but this came back fine, so expensive for no use. why did he even write that test?” as if it would have been somehow better to get a positive test back for a disease?! I really don’t know how his mind works. By the time all reports were in, it was time for my appointment at the psychiatrist and it was decided to go to her first, then on our way back show the reports to our primary doc. that way we could also talk to him about what she said.

Oh wait, i forgot to mention in my last post. the doctor only suggested the psychiatrist and later sent me her number saying that i have told her about you please take an appointment. i had to call her and i asked about her fees which she very nicely said would be discounted and that helping me and understanding what was stressing me was more important. I felt so weird then, i don’t really hear these type of things very often.... or almost ever. 

going to the clinic was easy enough, of course my mother and father accompanied me. and my mother did follow in. [let me just add that i only remember about half of what happened so...] the doctor ( hereby referred to as Psy lady) asked me “so, how are you?” and i said “ i’m good *smiled awkwardly as she realised that was not what she meant to ask*. she was like okay, how do you feel and what do you want to discuss me with. so i just sat there like a dumbass. then i asked her how much the other doc told her about me. she said it was just that you are his patient and needs psychiatric help in his opinion.

I am just going to make a dialogue format written account for that and the next doctor’s visit as this seems way too confusing.

At that time (not sure) my mother interrupted;

Mother: *turned to me* “if you don’t mind may i tell her the history etc” *in pointed politeness*

Me: “ok.”

Mother: *launched from how i was such a brilliant smiling child and wanted to take this scholarship abroad but she said no* *went off a long tangent about how she was just being a nice worried parent in controlling my life and now feels guilty cuz i can’t let it go* *finished by saying* “Dr., she just can’t forget that, she is stressed no job plus the lock down etc you know how it is. then she found out she has scoliosis in january and i think she has taken it to heart, like really it is completely asymptomatic and i have asked the doc she won’t have any problems cuz of it in the future” (i am guessing she meant having babies but really who knows) “she has just taken stress over that”.

Psy lady : *scribbled something on her paper* “My i have some time alone with her?”

Mother: “yes yes sure” *left* 

Psy lady : “so tell me a bit about yourself.”

Me: *was still fuming and recoiling and shaking in my seat cuz i just don’t understand until how long is my mother going to throw that in my face. it has been years and i wasn’t even that upset about it (at least i just quietly internalized it) but she refused, controlled my life (since birth btw and still does now) and not even let me do anything else i want to do, nor find a job, then proceeded to throw her ‘oh i feel so guilty, i am such a good parent. i have commited a crime by being caring and now i must be punished oh!’ at me. Like where am i in all that? you say no, you control, your guilt, your love, your care, your image as a parent that must never be broken. where am i in all that? ALSO you never listen to my complains about pain so shut up* 

Psy lady: ...

Me: “umm... hi... i umm never had a dream, but then i found this thing in my mid-twenties and i loved it, but they didn’t let me pursue it, then didn’t let me do anything. and now they act like i am a burden on them. now i have nothing to do or like, and i can’t even find a job or have anywhere to go. i don’t even really wanna die, i am just tired” *burst into tears yet again as i realized i had no idea why i was telling her all that and it felt so fake and story like at the same time*    “... i can’t even breathe and i am in so much pain all the time that i feel like detached from my body cuz every time i try to be in it it fucking hurts.”

Psy lady: “are your parents always this much controlling” *pointed to the door indicating my mother*

Me: “they are emotionally abusive”

Psy lady: *had been looking into my eyes but looked away at the word abusive and didn’t say anything*

Me: *continued after a little shock that i actually said it out loud* “I can’t walk, my knees hurt” *tried to repeat almost all that was possible from the previous doc*   *also told her about feeling dissociative and explained a bit how that feels for me* * told her all about how i was fine in dragging me through life but now that my body has suddenly collapsed (where as before it was just emotional pain and numbness and occasional body pains in back and stuff nothing too overwhelming or maybe i was mentally strong to ignore it) i feel very scared and lost. I was dealing with everything fine on my own even when i felt like dying but now i cant handle anything, i can’t even act in front of others; something i am exceptionally good at* *talked about lowered brain function, slowness, low blood pressure, no energy suddenly, not being able to retain information or remember anything, not having a concept of time and memory*

Psy lady: *explained about DPDR disorder and asked me about sleep eating etc.*

Me: *repeated the same: loved sleep can’t now, loved eating can’t now* 

After some time of explaining asking and answering, she said that i have depression and what happens is that our brain stops making certain chemicals and to get it to make them again we have 2 options. one is medicine; the other is motivation and exercises. it seems like the latter would be hard for me (and i confirmed that i infact cannot walk or do almost anything and exercise is too painful cuz pain everywhere) she said that the best route in my situation is to start the medicine for some weeks (she said she’d not give them for more than 4 months; whole course including tapering them out) and explained that the medicines were very safe and answered all my queries about dependency on them or side effects etc. I said if that is what she thinks would be best and if taking them means i could feel alive again and my brain function would return to normal.

she then asked me to bring my mother back in. she explained the medicines to her and said i have diagnosed her with MDD. My mother asked what is that. She said Moderate Depressive disorder. my mother asked if the medicine was necessary. she  said yes, and to not worry as these were safe and she’s only giving to get me started and pull me out of this extreme state, only for a short time. she also said that come back after 10 days of eating these, so we can see the effect and the side effects if any, and that day she’d also get me an appointment for a psychologist who worked in the same clinic as she thinks it would help me immensely. we agreed. took the medicine and left for the doc no. 1′s clinic. My mother didn’t say anything.

we reached his office and throughout the short car ride and while sitting there waiting for my turn, i was feeling very... accomplished? enthusiastic? Dunno... I was just trying not to cry cuz i finally had it written on paper, i was finally diagnosed, i had finally gotten help. yes, it was only a start and i don’t know much about how doctors work diagnosis and how much more can be added in future visits but it was a start. i finally did something to actually help me.

Finally, our turn came. we showed him the reports and told him what she said and prescribed. My mother asked him if the meds were necessary. 

doc: “yeah they really believe in starting meds right away.”

mother: “I don’t want her to take them, it’s like giving up. she can use her will power and get better right?” [she also added something very weird like ‘these stamps (mental disorders diagnosed on paper) are not good for a woman’ or something along this line]

Doc: “yes she can. i too would suggest she do that.”

Mother: *went off on a long tangent about how when she was my age she had depression after having my older sister. but she will-powered through it and didn’t take the meds etc*

doc: “yes i agree, but it really depends on her is she willing to do it” *in a tone that suggested that i should say yes immediately and will-power though life*

Me: * realizing no one is listening to me* “doctor, can you please talk with the Psy lady and ask her if they are necessary in her opinion cuz i have no will left to power though with.”

Doc: “okay.” *called her and talked right then* * told her that he thinks it would be better to willpower through it?

Mother: “well she can will-power through right?”

Doc: “well the Psy lady said that she has been powering through with her will power for years; she has none left anymore. so she thinks that meds are the best option and besides” *looked at the prescription again* “these meds are not addictive and very safe.”

Mother: * insisted on no meds for 15 more minutes and had a long discussion with doc about praying, watching motivational speakers and what not*

doc: *joined in enthusiastically*

Me: *stared into the distance and stops listening with my wobbly neck and painful back*

Doc: “well she is not even listening. can you do it? exercise?”

me: “no it hurts, as i have explained before, not like the yayy muscle cramping up cuz i worked out way and i will love exercise in 2 weeks time way. No! the tendons hurt the bones hurt the joints hurt extremely painfully and it increases with time, even after 2-3 weeks it doesn’t get better.”

Doc: “okay, how about friends? social life? what do you do at home etc”

Me: “my friends are not here, i never made new ones. no social life. even when i was going to class before the lock down, it was from home to uni, uni to home. had no friends there. and i did walked in uni for about half an hour or even more but it hurt in the beginning, i thought okay, cramps (although my knees and heels were very painful too) but it almost felt like it got better (the cramps part) but then it got way worse and after a month i couldn’t walk for more than 10 minutes at a very slow painful speed.”

Doc: *asked about pets, anything that would suggest i was a living being with a life*

Me: “pets are not allowed and so is leaving the house by myself.”

Mother: *interjected* “we have never restricted her for anything.”

By this time, i had frankly given up and i don’t remember what happened next or where the conversation went. just remember something along the lines of “ for these 10-15 days before the next Psy lady appointment, let her do whatever she likes to, don’t ask her don’t control her. let her start up her social life again. she needs to be around friends and the things she can enjoy” something like this. to which my mother said very confidently “sure whatever she wants to do”

then, we left his office and in the car she told me to “not eat the meds as we have ‘now discussed it with your doctor”

this is getting way longer. i think i’d make one more post about it, or maybe one more after that for bits that i forgot. this post seems so badly written upon second inspection. this is not even the 40% of what happened but i don’t remember what happened exactly, or even the timeline.

The third and hopefully last post of this series can be found here post 3

#emotional abuse #abuse #actually abused #abusive parents #depression #MDD #chronic pain #tired of life #dpdr disorder #dissociation #scoliosis #migraine

[koma-moved]

all of them :)

ah ok time to suffer

Alisons: Sexuality?

pan bb

Amaranth: Pronouns/Gender?

am enby, I’m chill with any pronouns

Amaryllis: Birthday?

birthed on april 14

Anemone: Favorite flower?

not really sure they all pretty

Angelonia: Favorite t.v. show?

idk I don’t watch much tv nowadays

Arum-Lily: What’s the farthest you’d go for a stranger?

not sure,,,

Aster: What’s one of your favorite quotes?

I’ll face God and walk backwards into Hell

Aubrieta: Favorite drink?

coffee

Baby’s Breath: Would you kiss the last person you kissed again?

idk haven’t kissed someone yet

Balsam Fir: Have you ever been in love?

lots of times, yes

Baneberries: Favorite song?

Kami-iro Awase

Basket of Gold: Describe your family.

terrible, I don’t wanna be around them except for mother and one of my sisters

Beebalm: Do you have a best friend? Who is it?

I consider my mutuals as best friends tbh

Begonia: Favorite color?

blue

Bellflower: Favorite animal?

foxxxxxx

Bergenia: Are you a morning or night person?

night person, fuck mornings

Black-Eyed Susan: If you could be any animal for a day, what would it be?

I wanna be a catto

Bloodroots: When you were a kid, what did you want to be when you grew up?

wanted to be a nurse or a scientist

Bluemink: What are your thoughts on children?

little shits

Blazing Stars: What are you afraid of? Is there a reason why?

being an annoyance, being alone, everyone hating me

Borage: Give a random fact about your childhood.

used to play a bit of guitar when I was a smol

Bugleherb: How would you spend your last day on Earth?

die

Buttercup: Relationship Status?

taken

Camelia: If you could visit anywhere, where would you want to go?

I guess Japan? or idk any place where my friends live

Candytufts: When do you feel most loved?

when people acknowledge me I guess?

Canna: Do you have any tattoos?

non

Canterbury Bells: Do you have any piercings?

also non

California Poppy: Height?  

5 feet

Cardinal Flower: Do you believe in ghosts?

idk

Carnation: What are you currently wearing?  

aqua green shirt w maroon shorts

Catnip: Have you ever slept with a nightlight?

no

Chives: Who was the last person you hugged?  

I can’t remember who I last hugged irl

Chrysanthemum: Who’s the last person you kissed?

haven’t kissed anyone

Cock’s Comb: Favorite font?

my custom font HandyEnby

Columbine: Are you tired?

YES GOD I JUST WANT TO BE HAPPY AND NOT BE EXHAUSTED BUT FUCKING HHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH

Common Boneset: What are you looking forward to?

honestly idk but uhhh I guess my mom coming back home

Coneflower: Dream job?

uh

Crane’s-Bill: Introvert or extrovert?

introvert

Crocus: Have you ever been in love?

again yes

Crown Imperial: What’s the farthest you would go for someone you care about?

very far, I’d die for them  

Cyclamen: Did you have a favorite stuffed animal as a child? What was it?

had a Rainbow Dash plush that I slept with every night

Daffodil: What’s your zodiac sign?

aries

Dahlia: Have you done anything worth remembering?

idk,,,

Daisy: What do you feel is your greatest accomplishment?

idk,,,

Daylily: What would you do if your parents didn’t like your partner(s)?  

depends

Dendrobium: Who is the last person that you said “I love you” to?

friends

False Goat’s Beard: What is something you are good at?

drawing

Foxgloves: What’s something you’re bad at?

everything,,,

Freesia: What are three good things that have happened in the past month?

got into Danganronpa, finally got enrolled into a class in the ICT strand, mother agreed to buy me a huion tablet

Garden Cosmos: How was your day today?

terrible

Gardenia: Are you happy with where you’re at in your life?

kinda? idk

Gladiolus: What is something you hope to do in the next year or two?

finish the school year and be free from hell

Glory-of-the-Snow: What are ten things that make you happy/you’re grateful to have in your life?

friends, art, danganronpa, them sonic real time fandubs, uhhhhhhhh idk what else

Heliotropium: What helps you calm down when you feel stressed?  

drawing, talking to people

Hellebore: How do you show affection?

emojis, just saying ily in general

Hoary Stock: What are you proudest of?

idk,,,

Hollyhock: Describe your ideal day.

I JUST WANT ONE. FUCKING DAY. WITH NO ONE TO FUCKING BOSS ME AROUND. NO ONE ALWAYS YELLING AT ME FOR ONE TINY MISTAKE. WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO PLEASE PEOPLE ALL THE TIME. WHERE I DON’T HAVE TO OVERTHINK MY NEXT ACTION. PLEASE. I JUST WANT PEACE.

Hyacinth: What do you like to do in your free time?  

draw

Hydrangea: How long have you known your best friend? How did you meet them?

hhhhh dont wanna answer this one rn,,,

Irises: Who can you talk to about (almost) everything?

no one??? I’d rather not be a burden tbh

Laceleaf: How many friends do you have?

casually checking my follower count

Lantanas: What’s the best compliment you’ve ever received?

cant remember fam

Larkspur: What do you think of yourself?

burden, annoyance, piece of shit, etc.

Lavender: What’s your favorite thing about yourself?

non

Leather Flower: What’s your least favorite thing about yourself?  

everything

Lilac: What’s something you liked to do as a child?

draw

Lily: Who was your best friend when you were a kid?

a classmate, she was cool

Lily of the Incas: What is something you still feel guilty for?

lots of things

Lily of the Nile: What is something you feel guilty for that you shouldn’t feel guilty about?  

also lots of things

Lupine: What does your name mean? Why is that your name?

literally no fucking meaning to my name at all

Marigold: Where did you grow up? Tell us about it.

hate it here

Morning Glory: What was your bedroom like growing up?

boring

Mugworts: What was it like for you as a teenager? Did you enjoy your teenage years?  

HATE EVERYTHING

Norwegian Angelica: Tell us about your mom.

nice, i lov her

Onions: Tell about your dad.  

cheating bastard

Orchid: Tell about your grandparents.

gramma cool and nice, grampa piece of shit hope he perishes

Pansy: What was your most memorable birthday? What made it be so memorable?

idk hate existing

Peony: What was your first job?

non?

Petunia: If you’re in a relationship, how did you meet your partner(s)? If you’re not in a relationship, how did you meet your crush/how do you hope to meet your future partner(s), if you want any?

met online like w my friends

Pincushion: How do you deal with pain?

keep it to myself till it gets worse :’)

Pink: Where is home?

my childhood home

Plantain Lilies: If you could go back in time, what is one thing you would stop/change?

leaving home

Prairie Gentian: Who is someone you look up to? Describe them.

hh idk,,,

Primrose: Describe your ideal life.

same as my ideal day

Rhodendron: What is something you used to believe in as a child?

that being a teen would be cool n fun but uhhhhh uso dayo!!

Ricinus: Who’s the most important in your life?

friends and loved ones

Rose: What’s your favorite sound?

rain sound

Rosemallows: What’s your favorite memory?

hh

Sage: What’s your least favorite memory?

hhhhhh

Snapdragon: At this moment, what do you want?  

either to die or to just have peace, I’ll decide soon

St. John’s Wort: Is it easy or difficult for you to express how you feel about things?

hard

Sunflower: What is something you don’t want to imagine life without?

my friends

Sweet Pea: How much sleep did you get last night?

little

Tickseed: What’s your main reason to get up every morning?

I wake up just so my grampa won’t fucking yell at me

Touch-Me-Not: How do you feel about your current job?

i dont have a job

Transvaal Daisy: What’s your favorite item of clothing?

hoodies

Tropical White Morning Glory: Describe your aesthetic.  

idk

Tulip: What would be the best present to get you?

not sure, anything works

Vervain: What’s stressing you out most right now?

MY ANXIETY TELLING ME THAT EVERYONE FUCKING HATES ME AND ALSO MY GRAMPA IN GENERAL

Wisteria: How many books have you read in the past few months? What were they called?

i havent read books in forever

Wolf’s Bane: Where do you want to be in life this time next year?

6 feet underground :’)))

Yarrow: Do you know what vore is?

god I wish I didn’t

Zinnia: Give a random fact about yourself.

no

[fieryfafarfanfics]

Ecstatic Requiem 2

 Cold wind welcomes her presence through the calming, serene caress on her skin.  Her head holds up high, chin tilts upwards before a single breath of air is inhale slowly. Hands carefully pressed against the Charizard’s back, Kotone adjusts her position and exhales through her mouth. “What a great day, Charlie!” Her smile beams like a thousand suns. Hazel eyes peek at the purring Kanto fire starter. Slim fingers give little scratches on the places she knows the Pokémon loves, and this only widens her smile once she hears a gentle roar.  Beep! Beep!  Her attention is then robbed by the sound of her Pokégear. One hand digs into the pocket of her black pants. Upon taking the device out, Kotone feels the Butterfrees in her stomach to see the name on the screen. With a simple swipe of her thumb, she opened the message.  Skitty <3: honey, r u done w the boring meetings and stuff?  Her hearts skips faster at two things. One: the sole fact that he typed ‘honey’, and two: him.

 Quickly fingers start to reply his text.  Me: darling! yes I hv ♡(ŐωŐ人) are u done wiping out the other trainers?  A few seconds pass by. Beep! Beep!  Skitty <3: uuuuugh nope. i still hv 7 more left  Warm eyes widen in shock.  Me: eh??? theres still more???  Her body leans a bit forward for stability. As for Charlie, upon realizing that Kotone is no longer pressing her palms against her back, she slows down.  Skitty <3: yes theres more. n im more annoyd too. i told them im gonna hv a small break rn bt i swear if this keeps going ill just fight the pokemon myself  A snort slips out.  Me: id love to see that (♡´౪`♡) at least you beat them all right?  Skitty <3: uuuuuugh nope  She can vividly hear his adorably annoyed groan. Before she can reply, another text beeps in.  Skitty <3: 3 trainers surprisingly (and annoyingly) beat me. lucky they arent cocky assholes like ur cousin.  Me: im gonna screenshot this to white fyi  Skitty <3: ANYWAYS,  Laughter bubbles in the chill, orange sky.  Skitty <3: those trainers wanna battle u next bt i told them to battle u tmrrw.  Me: eh really? i can go there and battle them later tonight tho  Skitty <3: no  A single eyebrow raises in confusion.  Me: why???? (・∧‐)ゞ  Skitty <3: coz ur mine tonite  If it weren’t for Charlie’s fast reflexes, Kotone probably would have slide down off her back.  Flush of red kisses her tanned cheeks. The same cheeks then puff slowly. The long end of her ponytail tickles the side of her neck, and Kotone is at lost on whether the shivers in her body is due to the hair or text.  Quickly she texts back.  Me: someones possessive (♡´艸`)  Skitty <3: u hv no idea hw possessive i can be when it comes to you  God, Kotone wants to scream right now.  Face now filled with heated swirls, she peeks at the screen.  Me: cant wait to find out tonight then (⺣◡⺣)♡*  Skitty <3: i hope ur ready then my love  Dead! I’m dead! Screams echo in her mind as Kotone bends forward against the Charizard’s back. He’ll be the death of me! Giddy giggles burst from pretty pink lips. Her legs start to wiggle forward and back, obviously catching the attention of her confused Kanto starter.  Charlie’s wings continue to flap, but her attention has now been stolen by her excited trainer. A smile of her own curls the edges of her mouth. She knows damn well the only person who could make her trainer act and feel such a way was none other than the redhead. Puffs of light smoke slips out of her nostrils, Charlie emits what can be depicted as a chuckle and flies forward.  After letting it out of her system, Kotone carefully sits up straight and releases a long line of air. After texting each other their ‘I love you’s, she tucks the communication device back into her pocket. Her smile now ever present, both hands are brought up to tap each warm cheek.  God, she feels so lucky to have him.  Slowly her attention comes back to the skies. A nice, orange hue slowly, warmly envelopes the sky. There are less flying-types around as Charlie soars, so peace and quiet truly wraps the trainer’s senses.  Hazel eyes cast down, and a soundly gasp escapes pink lips at the sight of a place she hadn’t been to in a while.  “Charlie,” she called the Charizard. Magnificent blues meet warm hazels. “Can you bring us down to Ilex Forest?” ---  The air always feels fresh whenever she arrives at the place.  Arms stretch comfortable to the sides. The air is a bit chillier once she reaches the ground, and Kotone honestly loves the feel of it against her arms and neck. Feeling fatigue being washed away from fresh air alone, she plops her hands to the sides. Eyes turn to her Charizard, right hand now holding the starter’s ball as a silent question if she wants to get back in.  With a single nod from Charlie, Kotone flashes a smile and returns her.  Ball shrunk and clipped onto the belt of her pants, Kotone then looks around the forest. It has been years since she last stepped foot, but awe and wonderment always splash her face to witness the breath-taking scene. It seems that the forest hasn’t changed a bit, hence it brings back a small twinge of nostalgia in her heart.    Her mind wanders as her feet walks around the forest. Sounds of slumbering Hoothoots catch her ears. Sights of Caterpies and Weedles frolicking about opens a box of reminiscences in her heart. Ah how she misses being a teenager again. When she first stepped into the peaceful forest, she was 16 at that time. Soft giggles bubble out when she remembers her famous pigtails and puffy hat.  Skitty always hates that puffy hat. Giggles evolve into innocent laughter.  She remembers that Azalea Town was the place she had met Silver for the third time. While their early encounters weren’t exactly pleasant in the least, Kotone always treasures each and every memory into her heart. Each memory plays like a movie, and she truly means that literally when she learned Mewtwo has the ability to form one’s memories to a clear, vivid, realistic image.  She finds that useful for her future child when they would ask questions such as how she and Silver met.  Ah, her face is blushing again.  “Geez…” Her heart beats ever so gleefully every time she thinks of him.  Again she gives her cheeks little taps. At the same time, her feet has stopped, and it takes Kotone a second to realize that she is standing before the Ilex Forest Shrine. “Oh!” Surprise and amusement trickle pass her tongue. Taking a few steps forward, Kotone gazes at the spectacular shrine.  Its design was simplistic as ever, yet bears so many memories and significances for the people of Azalea Town. The wooden pillars remain strong, though now covered in small vines on some ends. A few berries and fruits can be seen; Kotone assumes they were offerings from the people and Pokémon alike for the shrine’s owner.  Celebi.  The name rings in her head. Wind caresses her arms gently, tracing tickles on the finest hairs on her skin. Every time her thoughts wander to the legendary, Kotone can never forget the story Silver had told her.  How he had technically died after saving her. How he was plunged into a cold abyss. How his soul withered, his mind blank from the acceptance of his timely death.  She couldn’t imagine the indescribable horror he had gone through when he told her. Just the mere thought of it once brings tears to her eyes.  Deep breaths inhaled deep into her lungs. He is fine now, she assures herself. Kotone keeps the reminder firm and planted. Celebi had saved him from his death. Celebi actually rewrote the past in order to keep him breathing again. The Time Travel Pokémon even let Silver meet his mother one last time, giving the dead a proper goodbye before he comes back to the living.  Hazel eyes gleam at the stories he told her. Silver… The pain he went through was unimaginable. The life he grew up in was anything but human. To know such a child went through hell on earth at such a young age…her skin prickles at the fearful thought.  No human can survive being sane as long as Silver has.  Sullen gaze falls on the breath-taking shrine. “Silver…” His name lulls through her lips like a heavy prayer. How she wishes she can go back in time. How she wishes she can help him even before they were properly met. All the words she wants to say for him. All the reassurance she would give to a child who had lost everything.  Hands rub up and down her arms.  Suddenly, sorrow pops into caution when she hears rustling from behind. Quickly she reaches for Damien’s Pokéball; one heel had turned and sight sharpened to one of wary. “Who’s there?” The noise sounds too heavy for a Pokémon in the area. Kotone would assume it came from a human, probably a trainer going on an adventure just like her before. But the sky above is shrouded in darkness, and it isn’t so wrong to be cautious of any danger that lurks in the night.  Especially given from a woman who had gone through hell and once became danger herself.  “Kotone?”  Once the voice lulls into her ears, Kotone immediately feels her muscle loosen.  “Hibiki!” Caution turns to joy. Fingers casually unwrapped around the Typhlosion’s Pokéball.  Finally able to walk out of the thick bushes, Hibiki brushes off the dead leaves off his arms and head. “Kotone!” Joy rings just as true as hers. Without hesitance, he briskly walks towards her for an embrace. Arms open wide, the young man hugs her by the shoulders and gives her a little squeeze. “Oh my Arceus, it is you!”  “Ya!” Laughter bubbles out of pretty pink lips. She returns his embrace with one of her own. “Wow, what’re you doing here?” Pulling away to look at him, Kotone gives his arms a little shake.  “Oof,” he winces slightly, “watch your strength there.” Laughter pops out with a mixture of surprise. Being the Johto Champion really does have its perks. “Anyways, I was just doing some field study.” Once and twice he rolls his arms.  Surprise widens a pair of hazels. “Field study? At 8 at night?”  He knew she would be shocked by his activities. “Yeah.” Once again he laughs. Grey eyes gleam as bright as his innocent smile. “I usually do my routine check-ups at night, you know. There are some nocturnal Pokémon out and about when I least expect it, so I figured it would be nice to not miss any opportunity there is.” Hands plop comfortably by his sides. “Besides, doing field studies at night really gives me a peace of mind since there aren’t any trainers or so many rowdy Pokémon around.”  He has a point, as he always does when it comes to Pokémon research. “I see you’re really excelling in the field.” A proud smile shines upon her lips. “And hey, I also see that the field gave you a great workout too.” Lightly she punches his left arm. Cheeks shroud in pink at the compliment. “Well, I still have a long way to go, though.” One hand scratches the back of his head. “You’re not so bad yourself. I see constant training and battling really put some muscles in you.” His comment is replied with a sweet laugh. As sheepish as he is to receive such compliments from his childhood friend, Hibiki wouldn’t lie that he is in awe of her hidden strength.  “Well…” Feeling slight conscious of the compliment of her body, Kotone taps her fingers gingerly. “I gotta stay fit if I want to catch up to younger trainers and defend my title.”  “I can see that.” A nod is given. It takes him a few minutes, but realization then hits when he can’t find the presence of another champion. “By the way, Silver isn’t with you?”  “Oh,” she chirped, “nah, he’s busy battling trainers at the Indigo League.”  “At this hour?” Now it is his turn to have shock plastered on his face. “It’s really late. Shouldn’t the League have like…closing times or something?”  A sigh leaves her lips. “It does, but it’s until 10. So for now, as long as there are trainers itching to battle after collecting all the gym badges of Kanto and—or—Johto, the Elite Four and us Champions have to get ready.” Honestly, explaining the concept alone is tiring. But much to no one’s surprise, she still manages to defend her title for 8 years. True, Silver has beaten her more times that she kept count, but she also has taken back her title from him many times than one can keep tally. In the end, Lance, the Elite Four, and the Indigo League management agreed to have two separate champions reigning on each region.  It’s quite adorable when she thinks about it; the Champion of Kanto and Champion of Johto are the loving, fearsome husband and wife couple.    “So anyways,” Another sigh slides off her mouth, “I’m just here walking around in Ilex Forest, getting some fresh air.” Hazel eyes look at the shrine behind her. “And of course, looking at the shrine behind me.”  Hibiki doesn’t say much, instead nods in understanding. “I see…” Lower lips juts in thought, he gives his attention to the holy place before him. “Well, if you don’t mind, I’d love to keep you company. It’s been a while since we’ve hanged out.” A few steps are taken until he stands next to her. His smile widens at her acceptance.  “Thanks, Hibiki.” She doesn’t mind the company. In truth, she misses her best friend as well.  Suddenly, before any of them could actual start a conversation, a bright light beams a few steps away from them. The shock and light briefly dazzle them both. One has his arms shielded in front of squinted eyes. One once again grips her starter’s Pokéball while shielding her eyes with one hand.   “W-What’s going on?!” Fear of the unknown pierces his tone. None answers his question, though the light unfortunately shines brighter and brighter.  “I don’t know.” Through gritted teeth she replies. A Pokéball has been unclipped from her belt, but the blinding ray causes her to flinch in her place.  Luckily, no heat nor chill harms them both. But with confusion and fear overpowering them, Kotone lightly curses under her breath as she tries to get her body to move.  “…bi—”  Irises shrink in the middle of hazels when she hears a faint sound.  “…C…e…bii—”  That sound! She knows that sound! The owner of the holy shrine. The guardian of the forest. The saviour of Silver’s life. While Kotone herself has never met the Time Travel Pokémon personally, she knows it in her heart that this strange light was Celebi’s doing.  “Cele—bi—” The name slurs out in broken hisses. Trying to find and reason with the tiny legendary, Kotone tries to scoot one foot forward. The light, to her dismay, only gets brighter and brighter, almost rivalling the sun. Hoping to Arceus that her next action won’t blind her, Kotone sucks in a deep breath and drops her hands.  Hazel eyes—though in pain of the menacing gleam—manage to spot the green shape of the creature who is causing glimmering commotion. “Please sto—!”  Before any words could be breathed out, the light—along with the two baffled humans—disappear in a blink.

#Soulsilvershipping #Trainer Kotone #Rival Silver #Pokemon HGSS #Pokemon #ecstatic requiem #tadaaaa #ill see if i can update chapter 4 tonight ehee #kotone #hibiki

[coolingdownanddrawing]

heres some idea’s for redesigns along with some bulletpoints on what I was thinking for story stuff involving remaking the series

Im having trouble reading off the screenshots so Im gonna write it out under the cut along with probably adding some ideas or expanding on the bullet lists (future me here: I wrote a Lot)

Sam Manson:

-Rich Activist, meaning she’s kinda blind to some troubles going on or doesnt full understand how others are doing financially, along with being raised in a house with people who arnt exactly empathetic and more focused on appearances then worker rights, sam can come off as shallow to others doing activist work.

 it could be a really interesting character arc for her to realize some of the things going on outside of her school and plants that she can help with, along with dealing with that sense of helplessness she feels at being to normal to help anyone she expresses in the show.

-Goth, but cheery? One thing i noticed in the show is how overall cheerful sam can come off while toting goth ideal’s, which may be a part of why she isnt shown to have many goth friends with them seeing her more as a poser becouse their teenagers and teenager Be like that sometimes.

 It’s not a problem in my book but it could be fun to see tucker or danny question it when in goth spaces and sam basically saying the truth that you dont have to be miserable to enjoy dark subject matter. maybe with tucker and danny getting a small interest in some of the “lesser” goth stuff sam introduces to them.

-fights everyone, becouse teenager with boundless energy and Ghosts attacking all the time. sam didnt fight much in the original series and thats a shame.

-facinated by ghost, becouse duh

-I was kinda thinking of her and tucker being introduced by them competing for class president, becouse that seem’s like a position both would be interested in and it be more interesting then having tucker face dash

Tucker Foley

-Likes to influence others is a general statment, but its true tucker likes to be involved in other peoples lives and generally have his oppinion affect people in possitive (or negative) ways. he likes seeing that his involvment matters and he suffers when people ignore him or take his oppinions for granted and id love to see stuff centered around this trait

-level 1 leader/planner, sorta connected to the influencing people thing I think tucker really would thrive in leadership roles that danny just isnt suited to handling, big mobs of people and sam on his side and he is a force to be recond with. Tucker thrives in getting big groups of people to side with him esspecially since technology profficientcy isnt a sign of weakness in this day and age. 

plus him working on his public speaking lines up with his motivation of wanting to be attactive to ladies. 

also Having him working on public speaking stuff and general people person scenario’s gives a lot of reason for the group to interact with the A listers in a less hostile scenario

-tech god I guess, becouse tucker foley

Dan Phantom

-Incarnation of discomfort being the unintentional (At least the first time) fusion of a stubborn 14 year old and his crazy 40 year old father figure with very different morals and oppinions makes existing very, very akward for dan, but great comedy fodder!

-dan is able to have legs or a ghostly tail whenever he pleases unlike vlad or danny, becouse I figured it be a good way to make fights more interesting and their fighting styles different becouse I want more vlad involvement and having  them be extra different types of ghosts makes watching either of them fight much more interesting

-wishes to not exist, esspecially in the presense of either danny or vlads love interests becouse WOW thats akward

-WAAAAY more powerful then danny and vlad, partially becouse making dan a final everything is going to hell desperate final action for danny and vlad would make dan’s appearances more interesting but also becouse of difference’s about vlad plasmius and danny phantom I will talk about when I get to them. 

Dan Discomfort Masters

-“Vlad’s nephew” becouse if you’re meeting this guy stuff has gone horrible wrong on the de-fusing front  and he needs a reason to be in either fenton on masters house hold to get whatever he needs to fix the ghost catcher 

- big ol liar pant’s, partially becouse danny and vlad are Huge Liars but also becouse of the whole, I need shit to stop existing 

-Trying to keep it together becouse he’s probably made to interact with people vlad and danny have Opinions On and honestly he cant decide if he wants to viciously prank jack at every oppertunity or punch himself for thinking of being mean to jack, among other such mixed feelings.

Vlad Masters

-Certified genius due to a number of thing’s including his obession, and becouse being smarter then jack makes him happy and if jack ever expressed interest in a subject He Must Be Better, he might not be trying to kill jack becouse he doesnt want to deal with a ghost hunter ghost for who knows how long but he wont be lesser then jack in ANYTHING.

-fruitloop, still has some backwards logic and morals such as having valarie become a ghost hunter to offer a sparring buddy to danny and whats a better motive to shoot at someone then they ruined their life right but he’s generally such a over the top bird brain trying to show off to everyone that fruitloop is the only description he can be given.

-less evil is a Big Thing, he’s still objectively not a very good man but I want him and danny working together and sharing a roof on the weekends but that means not shooting first and asking questions later on site, so a less evil vlad is needed, plus it just generally makes there interactions more fun and less dangerous which is what im going for, since walker can take over a lot of vlads antagonist role in the story plus danny and vlad making agreements to get stuff out of eachother sounds like a hell of a lot of fun, i liked eye for and eye vlad sue me.

- as a side not I want vlad to be a lot less physically fit and practiced with doing things as a human, seeing him as a man who lords his power over others when he can he prefers relaxing and working as plasmius more then masters, which affects his health and serves a purpose in story for a lesson id like made after watching phantom planet last night

Vlad Plasmius

-loving guardian in that he really, really does want to be a good father and mentor figure to danny even if their relationship is rocky due to long standing lies he’s been feeding him and how tight a grip vlad has on his familys financial health. as well as the whole snatching partial costody as soon as costudy was called into question after dannys accident (Ill get to that) vlad’s babysat in the past for the fenton which is part of it, along with his desire to be better at jack in every aspect.

-great implorer, in which he likes to get minions when he can and usually only grumbles if his minions already have plans when he calls for them, pays great by ghost zone and human standards and usually offers a full health plan, though skulkers case that full health plans is for when he gets his head up his ass and thinks he can actually get either danny or vlads pelt, one of skulkers suits is on vlads lab wall with a nice hole where its face should be as a reminder to those who cross him.

-only legs,  meaning he uses 100% more kicks and ground based attacks then danny and can kick below the bet where danny cant, this plus his fire core making him have to get creative lest he burn his surroundings to the ground has him fighting in a very different way to danny, along with his 20 years of experience. vlad tends to fight ghosts with less reason to leave the ghost zone, and invading lairs to get what he wants, leading to more serious encounters then what danny faces in the begining.

-loves dramatics, becouse vlad plasmius everybody he’s a cookyier villian here

-less evil and more ruthless and efficient to those who get in his way, that arnt who percieves as family 

-Plasmius’s obsession is teaching people lessons, in all the good and horrible ways that can imply. halfa’s have more broad and less restrictive obsessions then other ghosts which makes them more dangerous and able to ammas power.

Danny Fenton

-Fenton works heir, which is played up a lot more in this with vlad backing his family and giving them chances to disgrace themselves on public telivision and get shamed out of wherever their currently living, leading them on a series of moves throughout dannys life before amity park show off their inventions to the world! Since Jazz aggressively refused the role it fell on danny and he actually takes it pretty seriously, believing as a little bab in ghosts and being convinced of their evil from a young age by his parents which you can only imagine does great things for him when he becomes a halfa and learns unkie vlad is one as well.

-has been haunted by the creepy ghost boy title his whole like due to his situation and the fact he is usually made to assist in showing off his parents weapons publicly as a apprentice ghost hunter, one such invention was the fenton portal that had a wire loose during the presentation, when he went in and put it back the doors automatically shut him in and jack and maddie didnt notice he was in there still until the screaming started, this led to some public outcry over weather jack and maddie are fit to raise kids and vlad swooping in for partial costudy of both fenton children “to ease the masses, and besides he’s basically helped raise them anyway whats garenteed weekends at one of vlads places going to do?”  it was a sucky situation.

-bad reputation due to general protectiveness of his parents along with terrible social skills, along with his new trouble of hiding and controlling emerging ghost powers.He doesnt leave a initial good impression on sam and tucker when he first meets them as fenton, and people tend to avoid him to keep away from his parents wierdness anyhow.

-is less good in the traditional sense but wants to keep people safe and happy if he can help it, though its argueable if thats simply a manifestation of his obsession or if its just becouse he’s a sweet kid, once he gets it into his head that ghosts arnt always evil he tries really hard to be nice to ghost too and even tries to save them from his parents when he can. putting his neck out for them.

Danny Phantom

-just wants a lair is a shorthand for wanting to just experience regular ghost things when he’s going ghost, he’s less inclined to fight every ghost he see’s unless their actively hurting people and tries to talk them down, not wanting his afterlife filled with enemies when he officially keels over. 

he has big dreams for a super cool lair of his own that are explored upon the one time he’s split apart by the ghost catcher, mostly becouse phantom rips the  door to his room from its hinges and zooms into the ghost zone as soon as he’s out, found aimlessly wondering helplessly looking for the PERFECT location to start building. he tends to day dream about the lair of his dreams in class.

-no leg’s leading to more air combat and trying to immobalize people with his tail, usually fighting fairly though with his moments of cheap shots in partiicularly deadly battles,, he usually fights people like johnny 13 who mess with people then he does generally harmless ghosts like box ghost in the begining, plus with his in development abilities that include a versatile ice core his fights are more strategy  then sheer beat down or creative weapon making (or heating whatever metal the ghost is wearing to the point of insanity) 

Danny also has this little problem where he “died” in a anti ghost hazmat suit made of stuff to weaken and harm a ghost who comes in contact with jack and maddies little boy and it means its harder on him to access his powers, taking more energy to do things that most ghost would find easy like intangibilty and invisibility, which is a major problem for him esspecially at first, danny’s only made aware of this though vlads help and their working on a way to trick the hazmat suit into changing material with what danny was wearing under the suit, since its being difficult with changing on dannys command, he can put stuff over and under the suit but the suit itself is hard to make budge.  the outfit shown above is after danny learns how to at least add stuff over it with vlads help.

dan does not have problem’s with the material of his costume making him have access to all dannys abilities easily, along with vlads experience and power and dannys creative thinking dan gets the nickname of the ultimate enemy with good reason

- Loves exploring, esspecially the ghost zone its so interesting and full of enteraining characters and the food is Amazing at least in ghost form and vlad’s show him some pretty incredible places in the zone when they agree to work together in the sense of vlad stealing madde and jacks thermoses at the end of fenton fights and danny helping him spelunk in the ghost zone,  its a guilty pleasure to be able to show sam and tucker around when they become friends, natural portals are a tempation danny has a hard time ignoring when he see’s one, much to his loved ones annoyance.  wolf is a terrible enablr of a friend.

- due to his obession with proving himself (its the wording i go with now i might change it to something like control or being loved) danny tends to want people to like him and seeing a opertunity to get them to like him sorta throws him off balance and out of fight mode, usually leading to him cuddling up to them, in phantom form dannys a great cuddler. take caution though he’s been known to trick enemys into thinking he’s gone out of fight mode and either shove them into the nearest portal/thurmos or later freezing them where they stand.  dannys terrible with crowds, esspecially crowds of people who dont like him he freezeses up.

Danny to-tired-to-function (school and not working with parents danny)

-cant wait to to graduate, with no plans to go to college becouse he’s not paying for more hell

-is really in a bad place socially and mentally in the begining, but will become a lot happier once he befriends sam and tucker, though before that he tends to do some pretty desperate and embarrasing things to get attention and has a problem with letting people drag him into trouble on the promise of friendship.

Danny’s Chore’s list:

-deadly laundry with ectoplasm contaminated laundry machines to content with

-helping whoever wants to cook, cook, or being in charge of dinner most nights unless someone else wants to cook (breakfast is jazz’s job, maddie and jack are gently discouraged from cooking, jazz and danny usually or use to just grab take out for lunch if they had time)

-cleaning the lab

-dishes with ecto contaminated dishwasher are always a little dangerous damn appliances and their wills to reak havoc, jazz likes to help make sure it doesnt hurt anyone since its more dangerous then the laundry machines

-assembling weapons with parents for the vault, or incase of a huge ghost invasion so everyone has a chance at a weapon, danny usually just assembles the less dangerous stuff that doesnt require a lot of welding

-general house maintense, vacuuming and window cleaning while jazz mops and dusts 

-jazz cleans the weapons vault after learning dannys secret becouse its a lot less dangerous for her then for him and hes infinitly grateful

AND DONE thats some of my thoughts on what could be done with a re design of the characters and story beats listed, im tired of writing now but enjoyed getting this out

#danny phantom #danny fenton #sam manson #tucket foley #dan phantom #vlad masters #vlad plasmius #lot more words then normal

[theconfuseddork]

The chaos of values and virtues

The post which I am going to write is going to be hell lot confusing. There are two reasons for this statement. First, as stated, I get confused a lot. And second, the chaos that we witness these days around India is also a hell lot of confusing.

It all started as me and my family were celebrating Onam, a hindu-origin but universally celebrated ‘festival’ that is celebrated around the whole Kerala. The story behind this festival is known to every malayalee, where God Shri Vishnu Came down to Earth as Vamana avatar to send virtuous and kind King Mahabali to hell(Pataal Lok). Before sending him to hell, the king asked to meet the people every year after harvest and spend some days with them, 

Now, the question I had ignored before unintentionally was, what was the actual reason of Shri Vishnu coming to earth to stop Mahabali. Did he do anything wrong? Did he commit any sin?

Now, some texts might say he had a life filled with sin. But most sanskrit texts still say he was a benevolent and kind ruler. So, what could be the real reason behind it? The answer is simple but devastating. 

The truth is that the king was a daitya, which is a clan of asuras and danavas. For the people around here, asuras and danavas are demons ruling over some parts of the earth and hell. Now the typical human mentality is that the demons are all bad and has to be destroyed by all costs, well that’s what our family wants us to understand. But if all asuras are bad, why is Mahabali thought to be a benevolent ruler?

Adding to this, Mahabali’s grandfather, was also a great devotee of Vishnu and the reason for the story of why we celebrate Holi, the great king Prahlada, whose father Hiranyakashipu, due to his authentic misdeeds, was killed by another Shri Vishnu Avatar, Lord Narasimha. Now, the mighty and kind Prahlada was a great devotee, but an asura, therefore, the defeat is inevitable. Similarly, his son Virochana, another great king, was defeated using deception by none other than King Indra, god of thunder and king of the devas(gods). Now, as Shri Krishna said during the Gita Purana, deceptions should be done for the greater good, I asked myself, giving Lord Indra the seat for the King of devas, a greater good?

Lord Indra, the king of devas, was an epitome of goodness, although with a great deal of exceptions. A king, I ask for pardon from everyone, filled with jealousy, anger, philandering, and most of all, selfish. Great are his misdeeds along with deeds. True, he got punished several times. However, he still sits on the same throne while the demons have the pataal lok. Therefore, what could be the reason the other Lords preferred Devas rather than Asuras?

The unfortunate answer lies around three huge concepts which are totally flawed: Secularism, Casteism and Nepotism. Wait, have i heard these words before? Oh yes!!!! These are the hot topics around India these days!

The apparent death of a well-known actor is creating a huge uproar around the country. And here, I witnessed the alpha gang (not to forget, a respected outspoken well-known actress) asking their self-proclaimed arch-nemesis, the pseudo-secular gang, ‘Why are you silent on these issues. Are someone paying you for this?’ She with the alphas’ help even went on to talk about reservations. 

Now, even I am not a staunch supporter of reservations. However, to talk about things which to society right now, is a secondary problem(the primary problems are much more than that) is plainly wrong. And, truth be told, these alpha gang themselves are the worst progenitor of nepotism. it is due to nepotism that deeds and misdeeds of Pandavas are celebrated and people such as Eklavya, and to an extent Karna, are ignored. And the secondary reason why Karna was killed, was that Lord Indra, to save his son Arjuna, asked for Karna’s impenetrable shield and earrings. Isn’t this nepotism, my dear friends?? 

Now people might say these people did suffer because of the sins they have committed in their present and past lives. Now tell, me friends, does that mean you have the license to commit sin so that you will suffer in the next future or next life?

People following something in the name of perception filled in by majority and then trivially provoking, fighting and finding conspiracy theories based on it. Isn’t this a bit far-fetched? I guess the Littlefinger in our Westeros has sowed the seeds of chaos so bad, that its ladder reached the skies.....(Sorry, a little GOT reference :P ).

Think about these things. Sometimes, what we believe turns out to be a whole lot different than what it exactly is. But to get that, people need to think on facts (which, right now is not possible for mostly 90% people around the country).

Now, I am not saying I am a thinker. I am just a confused maniac. Cant do anything about it. People might admonish me for mixing both the concepts together. But this is what I was programmed to do. To ask questions. And your job?  To enlighten my concepts, and to clear away my confusions.

Now, people might come at me for my stupidity, mediocrity, my intellect, my intelligence and even my background... But, before you go on to your admonishing streak, my humble request to you all is, whatever I have said, do this simple exercise for me. Take a nice shower, eat your favorite ice cream, and with a cool mind, think about what I have written and simply retrospect. I hope only two results might happen. Either, you will also join my confused club or you would try to enlighten me on all these concepts.

If you get the latter, feel free to put in the comments section. Thank you for your patience.....

#nepotism #secularism #alphas #understanding #chaos

[loudest-subtext-in-tv]

A Study in Fate teaser

Here’s the first 2200 words of a novel-length fanfic that I’ll finish sometime this year. It’s a WiP on an atypical schedule: At a later date I’ll release the rest of the first chapter, but then I’ll release everything else all at once.

Some authors don’t like if you hassle them to hurry up, but I may find it motivating. I’m going to attempt to get better at answering my asks/comments so feel free to ask me things about this fic, but keep in mind there’s a lot of things I won’t answer. Please be aware that no one cares if you don’t like first person perspective.

Though a big aspect of this story is about how to manage depression, it starts in a relatively dark place and weaves in and out of it. If you can’t handle unresolved distant thoughts of suicide right now, maybe wait until the entire story is posted.

Finally, I am doing okay financially right now, but two of my fandom friends are not. If you’ve ever wanted to give me money, I now have a Patreon. Anything you give me will help me help them.

Description: After the events of The Empty Hearse, Sherlock struggles to figure out who he is now that John no longer seems willing to play a prominent role in his life. As his mind runs in circles trying to parse their relationship and determine who threw John in the bonfire, his world is shattered by an enigmatic visitor: himself, bearing bad news from the future.

Series 3 time travel remix; series 4 compatible.

Tags and warnings: first person present, agonizing slow burn, explicit but romantic, depression, suicidal ideation, NOT FLUFF, self-actualization

Read on AO3 or under the cut:

Chapter One - The Curtain Rises

One can’t get far without an organizing principle. Every man needs one drive to which all others are subordinate, a touchstone that seizes him with purpose.

I had one once.

Now I have chips.

Dreadful organizing principle, chips: once you’ve got them, there’s nothing propelling you forward anymore. Have enough of them and you hardly want to move at all. God. I was in the best shape of my life, body and mind, and now I’m turning into Mycroft.

Except Mycroft has already transcended these struggles — or so he claims. Yet again, I’m lagging behind on a path I never wanted to follow. Splendid.

Any moment Mrs Hudson will come out and start chattering away about you. That will set me back the rest of the day, yet I won’t ascend the stairs. Does no part of my mind demand control of my brain stem? I’m meant to be some kind of genius: Any visionary corner of my psyche eager to make something of me? No takers?

No. Life is now nothing more but the wandering of here to there. And thoughts like that are why everyone thinks I’m a baby, so for god’s sake stop.

I am all too stopped.

Depression is a dowsing rod: shows you where to dig. So: Why do I halt here, at the bottom of the stairs? Why can’t I face the only place I’ve ever belonged?

It’s not merely that you don’t live here anymore. Not quite. That would be too easy.

Where are you wandering now, John? You got off work an hour ago. No one's called to alert me you've been kidnapped, so there's one thing I didn't miss today.

Still figuring that out, darling. Off my game. Maybe was never on it. Against my better judgment I let romance rot my mind, and you're the one who's suffered most. But I've recovered from less noble chemical weaknesses than your company. Against all odds I still draw breath. If I make myself do nothing else, I will turn this around. I'll prove you can rely on me.

Any threatening emails? You don't just attempt to incinerate a man and move on. For god's sake, give me something.

Oh. A text. Not a threat; a video from the homeless network. Must have been delayed whilst I was on the tube.

There you are, alive and unwell, and here responds my heart but it's nothing. Mere streets away from me, and nowhere near her flat. Why do you do this, John? Is your phone broken? We could just talk about this. Give me another chance and I swear I won't come on so strong. I was too presumptuous when we last spoke weeks ago. I broke your heart, I'm monstrous; you're no longer fond. I get it.

You're no longer fond, but you're in need of a hit. Which is curious, you realize. You understand how a man would get the impression... But no. I won't presume. Life is boring and I'm dangerous and bless you, you need a hit. Just come get one. I'll pretend I'm managing, I'll find a way to switch on that whole persona for you and you can do your hero worship thing. I won't act desperate.

Just show up, and I will respect your wishes.

Do anything but pensively stop on the sidewalk in front of shops you have no intention of entering. It just screams, I'm distracted! Kidnap me! It's been an age and I know you despise me, but if you keep doing this I'm going to have to conduct surprise drills again.

Maybe you're trying to get kidnapped. I wouldn't put it past you. Maybe it would be charity to send a car around for you to blithely climb into. Do you even think about how that would make Mary feel, John?

Of course, it's me you're thinking about right now. The tension in your posture, the unconscious clenching of your hand, the conflict evident on your face even from this distance: definitely me.

You know, I wasn't the only one who presumed. The papers presumed, the entire British populace presumed, even your sister presumed and surely she'd -- No matter. You've made yourself clear. Just: spare a thought for "the best thing that's ever happened" to you. I've no talent for consoling women on my best days, and I'd hate to see how I'd fare in a worse state than her.

No, I don't know that. I don't know that I love you more than she does. She's never broken your heart.

Oh. Wait, why...? For god's sake, Pilar, why would you approach him? He'll notice.

Well. Can't complain about seeing your eyes more clearly. Not good for my recovery. And there, yes, you've noticed. Paranoia in full swing, hackles raised, and a step forward. 'Can I help you?' in your usual tone that fashions a threat from etiquette.

Not good for my recovery, no. The things you do to my blood, John.

'Got a pound?'

'For someone recording me?' You scoff, narrow your eyes. 'Are you...?'

'Say, aren't you John Watson?' Oh, clever girl. Look at him, pretending he's not pleased to be recognized.

Yet nothing is ever simple with you, John.

'Yeah.' You're either too smart or too suspicious for your own good. (Freud would presume. I'm only saying.) 'Did he...?' You look directly at the camera; at me.

Come on! You assume it’s me? When roaming bands of criminals have set you aflame? Oh here we go, that spark in your eye -- you're going all in:

'Did you put her up to this?'

Oh well.

'Who? What makes you say that, sir?'

'Uh, well he does it all the time.' I don't. 'You know what? Just send it to him.'

'Not sure what you mean, sir.'

'Oh,' you laugh, 'you're not sure what I mean. Stop bloody recording me.'

And that's the end of that.

So. Guess you won't be coming over this week either. Or will you? Are you angry enough to confront me? It's not stalking when it's for your own protection -- just ask my brother, John. God knows he could use the conversation.

I’ve got to find more discreet operatives.

> Next time don't be so obvious.

When did she send this? Ten minutes ago. No, if you were going to come over, you would have arrived by now.

I suppose you’ve already said everything you have to say. But not even a text for stalking, John? I thought we had a connection.

Or we did. Before Moriarty won.

Not your fault. All mine. I underestimated him, failed to foresee the lengths to which he'd go for his insane plan. Didn't realize how many pieces he'd put on the board. Stupid.

A ping:

i thought youd like it? before you whinged you cant hardly see him

It was only supposed to be months, John. Then dozens of pulled threads later and you'd already gone and shacked up with a woman! That's what I get for being thorough.

And not even thorough enough. But if I wasn't thorough enough then neither was MI6, John. If Moriarty still had operatives in London, that's on Mycroft. And me. But definitely on Mycroft.

I don't know. Hate not knowing.

Are we really never going to talk about this? I took down an international crime syndicate for you, and you broke up with me on your blog?

No, no -- sorry. I take full responsibility.

This is ridiculous. I don't know why anyone comes to me to solve their problems. I can't even make it up the stairs.

Ah.

That's it, isn't it? I don’t live up there anymore, either.

Yes. Everyone says you can find Sherlock Holmes just up those stairs, back from the dead and cleverer than ever! Like most things everyone says, it’s not true. I search for him in these rooms daily, and all the evidence points to this: Sherlock Holmes was a character created by John Watson. An exciting story. A fairy tale. (Dare I say a fantasy?)

People will believe anything you tell them, John, and they did. You were so sure I was a hero that even I came to believe it in the end. Now they only keep believing it because I lied. I was never steps ahead, never as infallible as you made me out to be -- and now that you've quit writing me I'll never be anyone at all.

But I'm doing it again. Getting histrionic. I'm not the first nobody to have his heart broken. They all get on with life.

Well: usually. Technically speaking, the most invested ones turn to murder or suicide. On the upside, murder is still in the cards: Assuming I can pull it together long enough to hunt down the appropriate parties, they are murderers and it would be doing the world a favor to murder them right back. In the course of any such investigation there will tend to arise situations in which I would have no choice but to murder them -- or, fortune willing, sacrifice myself so that you may live. Or both! Now that would be a power play: cleanse the board of evil, preserve the king. The ideal way to die may yet fall into my lap.

It's nice to have things to look forward to.

But say it doesn't pan out. Given my recent track record it would be foolish to place undue faith in my forecasting abilities, and after all, I don't know for certain this has anything to do with Moriarty's network. He pulled so many rugs out from under me I'm always half expecting yet another rug. I may grow as paranoid as you, John, with him skulking about in my head. For all I know everyone involved was in Moran's network, and I'm chasing after people who are already in custody. Maybe there's no grand end, no power plays, no relief.

That leaves suicide.

I'm not saying I will, John. I refuse to break your heart again. And it would be no way to honor the lengths to which you've gone to preserve my life. They're mere thoughts. They come and go -- always have, and I always haven't. I'm not going to do it, and if I am, I can always do it later.

But no appealing alternative has revealed itself. Only the obvious path for the invested: live like everyone else, and finally sever myself from aspiring to anything meaningful or exciting. Growing up, they call it.

Freud called it repression, so let's hold off on drastic measures. I made this life work before and I can make it work again.

Of course, that was easy for Freud to say: Being invested in life isn't an exercise in masochism when you have a lifelong companion. Not to be maudlin, John, but I wasn't making it work until you came along. Not truly. You were the gear that made it all click. I couldn't become Sherlock Holmes until you facilitated it.

It felt like the strength you granted me persisted during our years apart, but it's no surprise I drifted off course the moment you weren't at my side. That's not superstitious, John, that’s just a cold fact. You would have caught the little things I didn't. You would have kept my ego in check.

But what's done is done. I'll muster some strength for you. Reinvent myself again. Reorder my mind, keep myself off the needle and the pavement until I tie up these loose ends. Then... who knows.

Maybe someone else will come along.

Well. Feels good to laugh.

I’ve got to get on with it. Life may be a flight of uncarpeted stairs, but I'm sick of being down here.

'Going out, dear? John didn't call, did he?'

Will I always be this damned slow?

I sigh loudly, not that it will make any difference. 'No, and no.' You scowl like you do when I talk about him. 'Just getting in.'

You frown. 'But we were just talking.'

My heart leaps. 'You and John?'

'No, silly.' My heart falls. You tilt your head; smile. 'You and me.'

'You were talking. I was out.'

You shake your head and laugh, a cheery, infuriating tinkle. 'You had quite a lot to--'

'Mrs Hudson.' For god's sake, do not go senile on me. Not one more straw.

'Is it drugs, dear?' Terrible, hushed pity. Everyone always leaps straight to drugs! 'Oh don't get angry, I know all the signs! The nerve of him, putting you in this state. I'd say a few things to him, if only he'd come around once in a--'

Anything has got to be better than this.

'Project much?' The stairs are fine two at a time.

'I need those for my hip!’

'Adjust your dose! You're clearly...’ What?

What in the world?

'That would explain so much,' he says, and the room tilts.

Through the door. There I am. There he is.

Sherlock Holmes.

End notes:

In The Lying Detective, Sherlock tells Faith that chips are “the only perk” of being suicidal. In The Empty Hearse, he was eating chips when Mary told him John had been kidnapped.

John’s most recent blog entry before this story takes place is The Empty Hearse. It’s a mindfuck minefield for poor Sherlock, but we’ll get into that more soon. For now, know it contains this doozy: “Oh, and in other news, I’ve got engaged. But, it’s not something I’m really going to talk about much here. I want to keep some things private. I will say, though, she’s the best thing that’s ever happened to me. Sorry, Sherlock :)”

I borrowed the name Pilar from Sherlock Holmes and the Baker Street Irregulars: The Fall of the Amazing Zalindas, a novel by Tracy Mack and Michael Citrin. I’ve never read it, mind, it just seems like it wouldn’t be the sort of thing Sherlock would assign to Wiggins, and Wiggins would never be so sloppy.

Sherlock is obsessed with Freud. One Freud reference in The Abominable Bride, which was constructed entirely from Sherlock’s drugged out brain, came from Mycroft, who asked John if he was aware of theories of paranoia. Freud believed paranoid people were closeted homosexuals, heavily insinuating that Sherlock believes John is a closeted homosexual. Freud meta to come later; he’s very important.

Freud was with his wife for 57 years.

“Life is a flight of uncarpeted stairs” is from the poem “Spring” by the early 20th century queer poet Edna St. Vincent Millay. She ended up dying of a heart attack that made her fall down the stairs, which is itself poetic. Though she was a woman, I think it’s realistic Sherlock would know about her: the Casebook notes that Sherlock reads the agony aunt columns in women’s magazines because they contain all of life and are pertinent to his line of work, and in the same spirit I’ve made him familiar with all old famous love letters, for which she’s renowned. We also know Sherlock is familiar with Shakespeare and moved enough to remember entire soliloquies, so there’s no way Sherlock could read “Spring” and not retain some of it — especially as John and Mary had been aiming for a spring wedding, and the poem references April, which is just wrapping up as the fic begins.

#tjlc #johnlock #fanfic #my fanfic #A Study in Fate #this was a nightmare to format on an iPhone