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#go read 'adult children of emotionally immature parents'
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Oops, it's time to go through my list of "what the actual fuck is going on" to see what is reasonable to talk with my therapist about in a 50 min session.
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prinprime · 1 year
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I thought it would be lonelier
When I learned you did not love me.
I thought I would be emptier
When I stopped trying to make you.
But I am more free than I can ever recall.
I deserved more.
So I'll go and find it.
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tanadrin · 27 days
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A "new US civil war movie" feels like a bad joke, and also an insult, since most of the people behind it will be safe in a bunker or a foreign country for the real thing in 5-10 years. But I get that being american means being undeserving of sympathy for this kind of thing, so I hope it's at least good entertainment for you (the movie and the real thing).
i suspect you are the same combative, doomer anon who has shown up in my ask box before. further asks in this vein will be ignored. because listen. going through life reading everything people say in a maximally negative manner, imputing malign intent where none exists, and reacting with complete hostility to everyone around you all the time makes you an asshole.
you are acting like an asshole, anon. perhaps you have a sympathetic backstory--depression, grief, anxiety, i dunno--that is an explanation of your asshole behavior, but it doesn't matter, because you are responsible for how you treat other people, both in meatspace interactions and anonymous online interactions.
and i want to be really clear about this because i see this genre of behavior all over the internet, and on social media sites in particular, and i am simply exhausted of patience for it. your overflowing anger, your doomerism (and doomerism is a deeply reactionary sentiment i also have no more patience for), your need to lash out at somebody, anybody, including pseudonymous strangers online--none of that need be a permanent fixture of your life, but it is an attractor state that requires some effort to escape. that work involves cultivating friendships based on shared positive likes, learning to let go of your anger, learning not to interact with kneejerk hostility and defensiveness, and learning emotional maturity (I recommend Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents; though in this case you are the "parent" I think).
all of which is doable--but only if you are willing to not act like an asshole, and decide not to make being an asshole a load-bearing part of your identity. frankly i do not care what you do. i would like it if everyone could be happy, but that's not the world we live in. fortunately for you, your misery comes from your own asshole behavior, and not from externally imposed conditions like war or social breakdown. unfortunately for you, most assholes i have known in my life are deeply wedded to being assholes, view their asshole behavior as a sign of their wisdom and perspicacity.
it is not. it is actually pathetic for a grown-ass human being to interact with strangers like this. like genuinely, deeply embarrassing. grow up.
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violentviolette · 5 months
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Do you have a list or of your favorite sources, research, and papers on ASPD, ADHD, or NPD?
unfortunately no, sorry anon. im incredibly disorganized and really bad at keeping track of that kind of stuff. I go down study rabbit holes where I read like 20 in a night and save the links to none of them rinse repeat lmfaoo
I do have some books I recommend all the time tho cause while they aren't directly about aspd or npd I think they help inform the conversation a lot
against empathy: the case for radical compassion by Paul bloom
the body keeps the score by bessel van der kolk
adult children of emotionally immature parents by Lindsay c gibson
and then for adhd stuff id recommend
how to adhd by Jessica McCabe
dirty laundry: why adults with adhd are so ashamed by Roxanne emry and Richard pink
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drdemonprince · 9 months
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Hi! I was wondering as someone who doesn’t have access to mental healthcare at moment, do you have any book suggestions that helped you feel more comfortable with yourself and better about going through difficult situations alone? I’m at a point in my life where I want to do better for myself and would love to go to therapy, but it’s just not feasible at the moment. Thanks in advance!☺️
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (and its sequels)
How to Deal with Emotionally Explosive People
The DBT Skills Workbook for Bipolar Disorder (you dont have to be bipolar to read it, i'm not, it's just my favorite in the series)
Writing to Heal
The Courage to Be Disliked
and all of Captain Awkward's advice columns !! she has a book coming soon.
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weltenwellen · 1 year
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Hello! Have you got any reading recommendations either about childhood neglect/the mother wound specifically or anything fiction/non fiction generally?
No, not that much. I've read on emotional immaturity: Lindsay C. Gibson's Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and Running On Empty by Jonice Webb. Specifically about mothers I can only think now of Emotionally Absent Mother by Jasmin Lee Cori and Will I Ever Be Good Enough?: Healing the Daughters of Narcissistic Mothers by Karyl McBride.
Then furthermore what stuck with me were things from the book Healing Your Emotional Self by Beverly Engel and Healing the Shame That Binds You by John Bradshaw.
Going further in terms of current boundaries and dynamics, self discovery: Lori Gottlieb's Maybe You Should Talk to Someone, Attached by Amir Levine and maybe Set Boundaries, Find Peace by Nedra Glover Tawwab.
Then if we're talking about understanding Trauma and what it does to the brain and the body of course The Body Keeps The Score by Bessel van der Kolk and Trauma and Recovery by Judith Herman. Furthermore I like in that direction Bruce Perry's The Boy Who Was Raised as a Dog and Good Morning, Monster by Catherine Gildiner.
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will80sbyers · 2 years
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Ted Wheeler’s parenting effect on Mike explained:
“ Emotional loneliness is so distressing that a child who experiences it will do whatever is necessary to make some kind of connection with the parent. These children may learn to put other people's needs first as the price of admission to a relationship. Instead of expecting others to provide support or show interest in them, they may take on the role of helping others, convincing everyone that they have few emotional needs of their own. Unfortunately, this tends to create even more loneliness, since covering up your deepest needs prevents genuine connection with others.”
Lindsay C. Gibson, Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Vs. Lonnie's parenting effect on Will:
“ Because they’re so attuned to feelings, internalizers are extremely sensitive to the quality of emotional intimacy in their relationships. Their entire personality longs for emotional spontaneity and intimacy, and they can’t be satisfied with less. Therefore, when they’re raised by immature and emotionally phobic parents, they feel painfully lonely. If there’s anything internalizers have in common, it’s their need to share their inner experience. As children, their need for genuine emotional connection is the central fact of their existence. Nothing hurts their spirit more than being around someone who won’t engage with them emotionally. A blank face kills something in them. They read people closely, looking for signs that they’ve made a connection. This isn’t a social urge, like wanting people to chat with; it’s a powerful hunger to connect heart to heart with a like-minded person who can understand them. They find nothing more exhilarating than clicking with someone who gets them. When they can’t make that kind of connection, they feel emotional loneliness.”
They connect so well because they had the same problem, absent fathers, but reacted to it in different ways, Mike needs someone like Will that wants to connect emotionally to him, Will needs someone that wants to take care and be present for him and shows it.... they both have trauma to get over on their own because love alone can't make you heal but they do partly help heal each other to feel more stable... now I hope they fix this before they go into adulthood tbh and don't have to read this book lol
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kjell-e · 4 months
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Starting the year off strong, I am reading „Adult children of emotionally immature parents“ by Lindsay C. Gibson and ooooh boy. There’s like a check-list at the beginning and every single fucking behavior is either something that my father or my mother displays. This is going to be fun. /s
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snakegentleman · 1 year
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Currently reading Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and wow Vash and Knives fit the respective internalizer and externalizer profiles so well it’s a little bit scary. Anyway, remind to elaborate when my head doesn’t feel like it’s going to explode
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messymaelstrom · 2 months
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With this post about complex ptsd going around, I wanted to post some actual resources about it. It's no good to just say 'you may have this' without pointing people towards information about cptsd and resources that can help in easing symptoms and treating it.
SO. If CPTSD sounds a little bit like home, I whole-heartedly encourage you to learn more about it. The more you know, the more you can help yourself.
The C is for complex. And my god, is it complex. When I first learned of it, everything clicked. All of my problems suddenly made sense. CPTSD can be the root cause of several mental illnesses including major depression, anxiety disorders, and even borderline, among others.
Fortunately there are a LOT of resources for CPTSD, and it's a growing field of research and targeted therapy.
Resources:
The Body Keeps the Score - a book I cannot recommend enough. It details a lot of the scientific evidence for cptsd as well as the behavioral patterns associated with it. It also discusses solutions to the problem.
Waking the Tiger - another book by Peter Levine
Peter Levine is an excellent resource. I recommend reading his books and listening to his videos on YouTube. They are commonly found on the NICABM channel.
Complex PTSD: from Surviving to Thriving
Complex ptsd workbook
When the Body says No
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents
Patrick Teahan: my absolute favorite childhood trauma therapist on YouTube. He (among many others) is at the forefront of cptsd treatment, and has pioneered a new childhood adverse experiences test that specifically discusses issues that lead to the development of CPTSD. There are compelling journal prompts at the end of most of his videos, and he also discusses reparenting your wounded inner child. Absolutely wonderful resource. Look through his community page because he posts profound affirmations each day.
Additional advice/notes:
Healing from cptsd is COMPLEX. It’s not an easy thing to do. Beware of people selling easy solutions. You cannot exercise, diet, manifest, talk, feel, or positive think your way out of it.
If you have cptsd, especially the kind that developed in childhood, you are more likely to have other chronic health conditions. Cptsd can cause autoimmune disorders and chronic pain. The pain itself is often psychosomatic, where you feel a lot of pain but doctors cannot find a physical reason for it. It's a frustrating pain to have, but it's REAL.
I believe a common trap to healing cptsd is thinking that psychotherapy is enough. In my experience, and from what experts say, it doesn't really address the roots of the problem. You will need additional and more diverse treatment like group therapy and inner child work at a minimum.
And the unfortunate truth is that you cannot heal relationship wounds without experiencing safe relationships. (I'm stuck here)
You will not heal effectively while you exist in the same conditions that made you sick. You will not heal effectively if you are maintaining relationships with the people who made you sick.
Reparenting the inner child might sound like a fake solution. But it's actually extremely effective. I really had doubts about it, but I've found that talking to my inner child is an extremely fast way to get out of a triggered state.
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hella1975 · 8 months
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hey girl, i’m sorry for what you’re going through with your mum right now, if you’re interested i think you might like the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents, i know a lot of people in similar situations have found the book to be really healing and felt really seen by it and when i read your post i thought it might be helpful for you. again, i’m really sorry that really is a tough situation to be in and i wish you the best <3
thank you bestie i appreciate you reaching out. not relevant but u are so well-read i feel like you have a book for every situation it's so fun. that's my mutual!
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poisonnxkki · 1 year
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Hi @loverofhairymen sorry it’s taken me so long to reply to this message. I hope my response is helpful.
I don’t know if I would recommend books that are specifically meant for shadow work. I’m sure there are some good witchy books out there, but I personally didn’t start with witchcraft related books. I read books meant for self development instead. I find this route to be super helpful in broadening the horizons. I know that prompts for self reflection are popular but self help books have provided me with a framework to make real changes in my life. I’m a firm believer in the phrase “mundane before magical” and I think this is a topic which illustrates that perfectly. Although you can go the witchy route in shadow work, it is also possible to go a more mundane route. I will list a couple books at the bottom which I found helpful and might be a good place for you to start.
Books (in no particular order):
The 4 Agreements by Don Miguel Ruiz
The Subtle Art of Not Giving a F*ck by Mark Manson
Atomic Habits by James Clear
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents by Lindsey C. Gibson (this book is meant for adults with narcissistic or toxic parents. If you are still in your teens, this book might not be as appealing or helpful to you, but I thought I would include it anyway)
The Power of Now by Eckhart Tolle
For the rest of my followers, please feel free to comment or reblog with some books that you found helpful. Sharing is caring!
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I was thinking about Steve and his lack of canonical backstory and my mind went to the book Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (a great read if you don't have the best relationship with your parents) and how that could apply to Steve and his totally real parents who definitely exist. Here part of it, i hope you like it
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Steve Harrington had been a bit of a sickly child, nothing overly serious but colds and flus that would have any other child sick for only a few days would have Steve down for a week.
Secretly the days Steve had to stay home sick from school were his favorite because that meant his mom or dad would take off work and spend the whole day with him! The times his dad would stay home with him he would have to stay in bed all day while his dad worked from the home office periodically coming up to check on him and bring him soup and if he was lucky even read him a book!
Steve’s favorite though was when his mom would stay home from work to take care of him. His mom would wrap him up in a blanket on the couch and they would cuddle and watch cartoons. At lunch time she would cook him soup and grilled cheese (always cut diagonally) while he sat on a stool at the kitchen island watching enraptured as she sang along to her Roy Orbison records. His parents were both so busy at work it often felt that the only times he really got attention from them was when he was sick so if he played up how sick he was in order to get to spend just one more day at home with them, could anyone really blame him?
Turns out yes. Yes they could. The days of afternoon cartoons and cuddles on the couch. Of diagonal grilled cheeses and his mom belting out Blue Lagoon and Leah in the kitchen ended abruptly and painfully his 6th grade year. Flu season came around and Steve had been sick for three days already. Sure 11 was getting a little old to cuddle with is mom on the couch, Tommy would definitely make fun of him for it if he knew. But the days he was sick were really the only times his mom openly showed him affection so he reveled in the love and attention of his parents on those rare occasions.
Steve had just woken up, still a bit feverish and his throat scratchy and slowly walked down the stairs his comforter wrapped around his shoulders and trailing on the floor. He found his mother in the kitchen hurriedly cooking breakfast, she looked him over quickly before giving an annoyed huff and turning back to the stove.
“I can’t stay home with you today Steven, the office is swamped with work so I need to go in.” She said briskly, “ I made you some oat meal, so make sure to eat before you go back to bed.”
“Oh.. Okay. Thank you mom” Steve replied unable to hide the disappointment in his voice. At his reply his mother turned from the stove a stern look on her face.
“Honestly Steven I don’t understand why you can’t be more like the other children and I don’t have the time to give in to your manipulations and stay home.”
Shocked at the coldness of his mother’s words Steve took an involuntary step back, a quiet whine leaving the back of his throat.
“There you go again with your drama, trying to make me feel bad” his mother snapped “now eat and go back to bed I have to get to work”  she removed the small pot from the burner and brushed past him making her way to the front door.
“I’ll see you when I’m home from work and if you’re not feeling better we’ll take you to the doctor again maybe he can figure out what’s wrong with you.” With that she was gone and so was Steve’s childhood. At least, that’s what it felt like.
The next morning despite still feeling awful Steve got up, dug some cold medicine out of the cabinet and forced himself to school, telling his mom he felt good enough to go. Steve didn’t want to be a bother, he didn’t want to manipulate his parents into staying home from work. So after that when he got sick again, sick enough to warrant staying home from school Steve would tell his parents he was fine on his own and wave them off to work. His mom would always call at lunch to make sure he was okay, but eventually even that stopped. Eventually Steve stopped telling them he was sick at all. After all he didn’t want to be manipulative like his mom said he was. He didn’t want to trick them into caring about him.
And that was just the thing, when he was little his mom would tell him how much he was wanted. How she had wanted a baby for years and had almost given up when she finally got pregnant with Steve, her little miracle. His childhood had been a happy one, his father constantly had a camera out taking pictures for the photo books his mom painstakingly put together. It had been filled with birthday parties and t-ball games and his mother singing and dancing in the kitchen. Sure his parents were busy but they had made time for him. At least they used to, when he was still cute and little and his parents coworkers were still impressed by stories of his little league home run hits and pictures of his round baby face missing two front teeth.
Because that was the thing about babies. Eventually they stopped being small and cute. Eventually they grew up. Eventually their parents stopped caring.
Steve tried his best to get them to keep caring, he signed up for every sport he could fit into his schedule and for awhile that was enough. As long as he excelled at sports it was enough to keep his parents attention. Sure as he got older his parents were around less and less, but they still managed to make most of his games. But like everything else eventually even that wasn’t enough and by his sophomore year of high school Steve stopped caring if they were even there. Or at least he told himself he did.
Steve’s parents were barely home, his father constantly traveling for work after he received a promotion, his mother going along on the trips despite the work she would miss after Steve’s father had come back from a work trip with lipstick on his collar for the third time. It was fine though, his parents not coming to his games meant he didn’t have to listen to his father pick apart his swimming form, or nag at him about how “Alex Carver wouldn’t of missed that shot” despite the fact that Steve had scored most of the points that game and even though he missed his last shot they had still won by well over 20 points so what was the big deal?
School and his grades were a whole other battle. When he had started high school Steve tried his best to get straight A’s he really did. He couldn’t help that the words and numbers on his homework pages and the black board floated around, but he did his best to get his work done and correct anyways.
Steve worked as hard as he could going to the library in his free period, asking the teachers for help when he didn’t understand something (which was often but for the most part his teachers were patient with him, he was an up and coming star on both the basketball and swim teams after all) and ended his freshman year with B’s in all his classes except for history and gym both of which he had gotten an A in! He had been so proud of himself and thought his parent would be too. Instead Steve’s father had screamed at him over his B’s, told Steve “he couldn’t believe he was raising such an idiot”.
That was the last straw for Steve really. He tried as hard as he could and it was never enough. No matter what he did, he was too slow, too dumb, too manipulative for his parents to give a shit about him. And if his parents didn’t give a shit why should he?
Steve stopped trying so hard to keep his grades up, only doing the bare minimum to keep his grades high enough so he wouldn’t get kicked from the basketball or swim team. He started throwing parties every weekend, trying to bring some noise into the cold lifeless house his parents barely bothered to come home to anymore.
By the end of his Sophomore year Steve had cemented his title of “King”. Sure his parents didn’t give a shit but the other kids at school worshiped him now, he had teachers excusing assignments he didn’t bother doing because word around the school was Steve was going to be the next Captain of the Basketball team and he had already been made Co-Captain of the swim team despite only being a sophomore.  He was the King of Hawkins high, every guy wanted to be his friend, every girl was practically lining up to date him and Steve reveled in it, at least he did for a little while.
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If you made it this far thank you so much for reading! I'd love to know what you guys think! My brain already has ideas for character studies for Argyle, Nancy and Jonathan that I was thinking of writing also.
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edwardalbee · 10 months
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​Pro tip do not read adult children of emotionally immature parents when you're grieving a parent and also still living in their house. You will go crazy for 6 months
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someoneinjersey · 2 months
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all I did was brush the surface of talking about my stupid rp characters with @the-one-blog-to-rule-them-all earlier and now i'm like SHOULD I GET A WEBSITE TO LOG THEM ALL WITH BIOS AND PICTURES AND STUFF I STILL KIND OF REMEMBER HOW TO DO HTML?????
no pls calm down I just like talking about myself and my shit because i'm self centered and all my likes and hobbies were discounted most of my life by my family.
yo I'm reading this book called Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents and fuuuuuuuck me its like reading about my whole fucking life and personality and my parents' personalities and Jesus Christ it's a great read but like fuck you just don't realize how fucked up things were in your childhood when its hammered into you that you didn't starve or get beaten or experience homelessness or addiction.
speaking of I am soooooo tired of talking to my mom every goddamn day like if I don't check in with her by like 6 pm she texts me like ARE YOU OKAY?!!??! like yeah I'm just doing things or sleeping or something like it is not a priority to talk to you every single damn day bro she even called the other day and instead of saying hi said "are you glad to hear from your mom?" like I don't talk to her EVERY DAY. and that's really actually emotionally manipulative because then i'm forced into answering a weird question to give her some kind of validation or trying to dodge it by just bringing up whatever she was just complaining about to distract her from it so I don't have to answer. id really love to just check in maybe once a week but I feel obligated because she's so miserable in her marriage and home and now she has this HUGE GAPING WOUND that won't heal as a complication from her transplant and it is GNARLY and it looks absolutely fake but she's suffering from it and so its like I cant even try to set a boundary right now.
my aunt was talking about having a big family get together over the summer and I was like oh yeah it'd be great if Kate and I could both come up wouldn't that be nice and like ............................ no. like I miss my extended family and I enjoyed seeing them when I went "home" in October but going up there again would mean A the stress of travel again B I cant afford traveling to begin with and C seeing my mom and her husband. I could handle my mom for like a day or something but if I have to be around her husband its absolutely horrible. plus like I don't even feel welcome back at their house because they emptied my room and redecorated it within two weeks of me moving down here. I have so much PTSD and so many triggers about going back "home". I do miss New Jersey but more in the sense of being by the water and convenient things and close cities to do stuff in and hockey games and the pride of just being from NJ but as much as I hate this place here it is NOT worth it to go back to NJ again for a long long long long long time.
blah blah blahhhh
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spitfiremai · 1 year
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Mai's list of books.
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Finished.
Gadis Kretek (Ratih Kumala)
Rumah Lebah (Ruwi Meita)
Ronggeng Dukuh Paruk (Ahmad Tohari)
Seperti Dendam, Rindu Harus Dibayar Tuntas (Eka Kurniawan)
The Tokyo Zodiac Murders (Soji Shimada)
This Is Me Letting You Go (Heidi Priebe)
Resign (Almira Bastari)
Melbourne Wedding Marathon (Almira Bastari)
Dear Evan Hansen (Val Emmich)
Norwegian Wood (Haruki Murakami)
After Dark (Haruki Murakami)
Colorless Tsukuru Tazaki and His Years of Pilgrimage (Haruki Murakami)
Once Upon A Broken Heart (Stephanie Garber)
Women Don't Owe You Pretty (Florence Given)
Asmaraloka (Arata Kim)
Game Over (Valerie Patkar)
Seaside (Ziggy Zezsyazeoviennazabrizkie)
The Poppy War (R.F. Kuang)
Aroma Karsa (Dee Lestari)
On reading.
The Midnight Library (Matt Haig)
The Little Book of Sloth Philosophy (Jennifer McCartney)
Men Without Women (Haruki Murakami)
Catatan Harian Menantu Sinting (Rosi L. Simamora)
Jakarta Sebelum Pagi (Ziggy Zezsyazeoviennazabrizkie)
Unread.
A Lady in Disguise (Georgette Heyer)
That Camden Summer (Lavyrle Spencer)
The Secret Garden (Frances Hodgson Burnett)
Mrs. Dalloway (Virginia Woolf)
The Rules of Magic (Alice Hoffman)
Practical Magic (Alice Hoffman)
The Stars We Steal (Alexa Donne)
Di Kaki Bukit Cibalak (Ahmad Tohari)
Perempuan yang Menangis Kepada Bulan Hitam (Dian Purnomo)
A Love Like This (Ayu Riana)
Love Me, Leave Me (Ida Ernawati)
Progressnya Berapa Persen? (Soraya Nasution)
Harga Teman (Debora Danisa)
The Name of The Game (Adelina Ayu)
Penaka (Altami N.D.)
Laut Bercerita (Leila S. Chudori)
Alamanda dan Sihir yang Berujung Salah (Nellaneva)
Nonversation (Valerie Patkar)
The Arson Project (Akaigita)
Ephemera (Akaigita)
The Infinite Quest (Fino Y.K.)
Cantik Itu Luka (Eka Kurniawan)
Di Tanah Lada (Ziggy Zezsyazeoviennazabrizkie)
Ganjil Genap (Almira Bastari)
Omen (Lexie Xu)
Dia, Tanpa Aku (Esti Kinasih)
Circe (Madeline Miller)
Cat Stories (James Herriot)
A Tale of Two Cities (Charles Dickens)
Cannery Row (John Steinbeck)
The Grapes of Wrath (John Steinbeck)
If You Could See The Sun (Ann Liang)
Persuasion (Jane Austen)
Pierre and Luce (Romain Rolland)
Serpent and Dove (Shelby Mahurin)
The Devotion of Suspect X (Keigo Higashino)
The Sisters of Winter Wood (Rena Rossner)
To Kill A Mockingbird (Harper Lee)
Funny Feelings (Tarah Dewitt)
Adult Children of Emotionally Immature Parents (Lindsay C. Gibson)
Getting Past Your Breakup (Susan J. Eliott)
———
The list will be updated every week.
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