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clumsyclifford · 3 years

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bella I would love a directors cut on literally any of the rilex you’ve written, but specifically it’s always her, and you, and me, or for these days you’ve been stuck in my brain 💙

OHHHHHH those are some CHOICESSSSSS lucy. fuck yeah. let’s get into it. ill link them both here but we’ll take em one at a time

it’s always her, and me, you

these days you’ve been stuck in my brain

here’s a cut for convenience cos i KNOW i’m gonna go long here.

okay! let’s start with the rilisex fic.

it’s always her, and me, and you

so like it says in the ao3 notes, this fic came from realizing just how frequently rian and alex kiss each other like, all the time? just? casually? for funsies? this was another one of those situations like i mentioned where the hook aka first line (“Rian's no expert, but he doesn't think normal friends kiss this much.”) just appeared in my head and i was like heyyy that’s a GOOD first line. i have to build from that line. that’s the hook, that’s the summary, that’s the core.

something i discovered upon searching through the editing history of the doc: i had originally sort of intended to go a direction with this where in some other circumstance, rian would see alex giving jack a super casual friendly kiss and he’d get all sad/jealous and be like sure why SHOULDNT alex kiss jack after all its just a thing he does with his FRIENDS. but the fic ended up going a different way and honestly? im glad. i like this way better.

the role of singin in the rain in this fic actually has a HILARIOUS backstory because the night i originally wrote that conversation in the tour bus kitchen, i went into the club and said the following

and then. the next day. rian streamed with ricky, and i asked if he’d ever seen singin in the rain, and he ANSWERED ME and said he hadn’t. so first of all i had already written the scene and i then had to rewrite it to make it so rian wouldn’t have seen it but also!!! i literally asked rian fucking dawson if he’d seen a movie for the sole reason of using that information for fanfiction!!!! and he provided me with the information i needed!!!! whole thing is just fucking hysterical to me. ANYWAY.

ANYWAY, the other reason why sitr has such a big role in the fic is because megs and i watched the movie together while i was in the middle of working on the fic, so it was extremely fresh in my mind. in fact i can probably show you this: i had this comment left for myself when i was kind of trying to figure out if i could make a real metaphor of sorts with the sitr ot3 and the Big Three of this fic. some of this ended up in rian’s wild musings in the hotel scene but i did conclude that it wouldn’t really have worked and that was definitely true but anyway. fuck it, director’s cut, here’s the kind of shit i leave for myself to refer to

so that’s part of the reason why it became such a puzzle piece of this fic, but real talk, it’s also just because i love singin in the rain it’s one of my favorite movies lmao

briefly gonna also touch on lisa and why she’s in this fic because i realize that rian/alex/lisa is an interesting approach to rilex! first of all, i love lisa. i love alex and lisa. and it occurred to me that there was really no reason to split lisex up just to make rilex happen. plus there’s this tweet that really just pushed me over the edge of being like yeah, rilisex is extremely plausible. so that’s that on that.

as for the scene in the hotel room while they’re watching sitr, there is a small piece of that scene - from when alex starts kissing rian’s shoulders etc to “it would defy the laws of nature not to” - that i actually wrote before anything else in that scene. that small piece got stretched out and edited quite a bit from how it started but it did function as a sort of foundation around which i built the rest of the scene, because that small section sort of ~came to me~ absolutely out of nowhere, and i really liked the Vibe it had and i wanted to include it. i THINK that was the only piece of this fic that i wrote Out Of Order - for the most part this was written chronologically.

ALSO!!! omg this is exciting, this fic actually has a deleted scene!!!!!! i hate cutting scenes but i also hate having scenes that are less than 1k and this one didn’t really contribute much to the fic. i can probably share it here right? sure why not ! hopefully you can read this. it originally took place after the scene where alex and rian call lisa for the first time. the question of “what gets left into interview videos and what gets cut” is also just interesting to me as a (fic) concept in general so...eyes emoji, but here’s my mini-exploration that i cut from the original fic. enjoy lol it’s silly <3

oh! also one more thing!! the very final scene was included for two reasons. the first reason being that when i write getting-together fics, i really prefer to add on a scene After they Get Together because i love to write domestic established relationship stuff and i think that’s a satisfying reward for a reader who’s just slogged through all the mutual pining and bullshit to get the characters together. but the OTHER reason is that i got an anon (here it is!) and i read that ask and was immediately like well shit. now i have to fucking include this. for the anon and for myself. so you can thank that anon for that last scene. (also i wanted to include merrikat especially since i had to cut their little moment in the interview scene above.)

so....................whew. i think i’ve bled that fic dry. holy shit that’s a lot of Stuff. OKAY! let’s move on.

these days you’ve been stuck in my brain

so!!! THIS fic was the breakthrough after (what felt like) a long bout of writer’s block. long for me was maybe two weeks, but i am the kind of person who is always writing, and two weeks was a long time to go with little to no inspiration/motivation to write anything. i had also been in a weird narrative headspace because i’d been binge-watching disney shows (jessie > austin and ally > girl meets world) and i don’t know how well i can explain this but the way those shows are written is a lot snappier and cares way less for realistic and consistent character development or plots or relationships, and so i was stuck between caring a lot about including those things in my fics but also being unable to conceptualize them in writing because my brain was in Disney Writing Mode. does that make sense? this is rhetorical so let’s go with yes. so anyway. i was in a slump

actually what i ended up doing was basically googling something like “au prompts tumblr” or something and just scrolling through posts. i saw something about soulmate telepathy and i actually tried to write something totally different before i wrote this one, but the first attempt was a different concept and then the direction i took it was like......it wasn’t quite right and i realized that i was kind of writing dark disney style? there is really no way for me to explain what i mean by that because it seems really obvious to me but that’s just because i’m inside my own head so just take my word.

anyway. attempt #1 of soulmate telepathy rilex went poorly, and this fic was attempt #2. i kinda took the soulmate telepathy thing and changed it as i saw fit and i also went back to skim helen’s telepathy fic because obviously she’s the pro and then i tried not to steal her ideas. and as i was writing it i kinda realized i was doing the whole quirky funny best friend character with jack and also doing the whole “somehow this not-very-dramatic situation with teenagers is treated as The Most Dramatic Thing Ever and that’s totally normal and nobody finds it strange” disney trope with rian and alex being soulmates and i was like (deep sigh) i have to accept that no matter how much i try to fight this, this fic is going to be tainted with disney. and that’s life

on top of that i will add that the real-life rilex were extremely inspiring during the two-day period during which i wrote this fic, because that was when the once in a lifetime video came out and in the brief pre-video livestream rilex were Beyond Married and that definitely helped in the writing of fic rilex!

hmmmm what can i tell you about this fic itself.................honestly, i don’t think there’s much to tell! rian is a band kid because in real life rian was a band kid and he’s staff manager at rita’s just like he was in real life. there is truthfully not a lot to unpack here that i can think of!

oh here’s something i guess: rian and alex go on a date in this fic! that is because watching So Much Disney made me realize that i often forget the fact that people just. go on dates. sometimes. look i clearly do not have an active romantic life but i also really liked the idea of alex and rian going on a date despite not knowing if they’d be soulmates or not and liking each other organically just by getting to know each other, rather than being victim to the whole soulmate thing. like i wanted them to build a connection so that they would want to be soulmates. and then the audience would want that for them too. stakes!! very important.

i can tell you i had a mild crisis over the title of the fic because i am not a fan of the word brain and i didnt wanna use that sticky lyric for the title when it had a word i hated but it was objectively a much better title option than the other one i had, which was “sticky just like the song in my head” but i obviously decided on the former and it has not upset me nearly as much as i expected it to so that was the right decision imo

so! i think that’s all on that! sorry (?) that it got so long although then again i don’t know what’s to be expected in a director’s cut for two long fics but thank you for asking me about these, i love them both so very much rilex is so supremely underrated but so very important

#cashtonasfuck #ask #answered #this is a whole ass multimedia fucking presentation #you asked for the director's cut but like i sure as hell didnt hold back dflkhggj #in fairness you picked two longer fics #though most of my rilex fics are longer ones which is strange #but like good for them #director's cut #this was really fun #thank you lucyyy <3 #these were the good right choices for rilex fics to dissect because the other ones are either shorter or rilex is a background pairing #or like . just aint that deep #i stole the plot of something unpredictable from that other fic by that other person #so ya know #the fact that this response contains an entire deleted scene in a screenshot #this is a lot lmfao

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shametheshadow · 4 years

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It's been a while. A lot of shit's been going on since I was last kinda active. Sorry, I dont remember how to hide this under a read more line... feel free to scroll past if you arent in the mood for existential whinging. I got a new job and it's pleasant. The people are nice. It's still food, but it's at a fancy restaurant where the management actually cares and tries to keep their crew happy. The hours could be better and I'm currently sick of salads with how many I've made. They give hours based on reliability and if you're a hard worker who is nice to work with. But like... everybody is nice and hard working so it's hard to just muscle in sometimes. But on the positive side I've dropped ten pounds, probably thanks to how light my wallet is. Had an issue with my little brother. Well, there's been an unspoken issue for years that I've been trying to just give him space on, but it finally came to a head. I called him out and he said some pretty hurtful things. I saw him on Christmas, but it wasnt the same. I think it kind of damaged something between us, or at the very least it certainly has me. I think, as people, we build these pillars of absolute truths into our identities. The things we know without a doubt, that we can rely on to stay true even when things are bad. Like, that the sky is blue or that a parent we have will always love us. When those truths are shaken they really make you wonder what else could be wrong or if there was ever any truth in it to begin with. For me, no matter how bad I felt or hated myself, I knew I could be a good sister. I'd throw myself down for it. I have done so, unfortunately, many times before. We all see the world a little differently, so my truth may not be the truth someone else sees. I dont know whether that makes it any better, but I certainly feel unsure about more things now than I used to. Some days I even feel like giving up on our relationship. I'm just too tired, too worn down, and I don't think I can handle being called a failure again. Which sucks, because I dont really want to. I just want to know how to fix it, even though I'm not sure I have any more energy to try again if it's just going to lead to another failure. And on top of all of that my bio dad and all those siblings are tasting the bitter consequences of their actions. My youngest sister got taken away from her parents because instead of breaking up and being adults about it they have to be petty and cowardly. One has unchecked anger issues mixed with plenty of excuses and the other thinks she's owed some sort of respect despite her immature actions. Thing is, I've had plenty of talks with my bio dad about the effects their toxic relationship have on his 6 year old daughter. He knows. He isnt stupid or blind. He'd just rather keep it going despite everyone's unhappiness and dig a deeper hole so he doesn't have to risk losing custody of his daughter if they break up. And here we are now. With his daughter taken away and given to our 21 year old sister who doesn't have a clue. And they've failed to regain custody once already. And you know the fucking hilariously tragic part of it? Me and my sister Des are the only two without some sort of record so nobody else in the family can help. Just a fucking warning for any teens out there who think being a gangster is cool, life always has consequence. Doing drugs, selling pills, pimping, stealing cars, assault, having unregistered weapons... my family has probably done just about anything. Apparently my bio dad's stepfather even threatened to shoot my grandma once. There's an argument to made about the environment they all grew up in, but I really wish people would just have the self awareness to realize that things will always find a way to bite you in the ass and it's it big enough then it'll get the people around you too. I normally get my sister on weekends, but I need to work Saturdays as a requirement for my employment. I try to cut it short so I can be there when they drop her off, but half the time they dont and send her somewhere she isnt supposed to go. I'm risking my job trying to be there when I'm needed, just for them to change their mind at the last second because I wasnt home soon enough. They'd rather risk losing our sister to the system by breaking the rules. CPS doesn't play around. I've had to tell them two or three times that I couldn't take our sister because I was sick or dealing with some really stressful family stuff that Koral didnt need to be there to see. Every time I feel like the punishment is that they stop letting me see her by not bringing her over anymore. Then out of the blue they call on a weekday and ask if I can take her because she has a day off or something. I have never once said no but every time it sends me into an anxiety attack because I can't handle being kept in the dark until they need me. It's got me so worked up that sometimes I genuinely wish I had never been told my dad wasnt my real dad. Of course, I know that by knowing I can help a little girl who needs help, but I wont lie and say that I never wished I didn't have time deal with any of it. I got the news today that my bio dad is in trouble for something else, though they wouldn't say what. So they arent going to give him custody until that's settled at the very least. Shortly into it my sister had asked me to take over the guardianship. I was so out of the loop that I thought the question was absurd. I thought they'd pull it together and get her back in a short time, so what would the point of moving her to another town and school be? How would I go about that? What would the home requirements be? Would I be able to provide for the both of us? I wouldn't be able to leave work until 4 at the earliest shift, so would after school stuff be best or daycare? There's so much that goes into taking care of a kid to just spring that question onto someone. Now it's been four or five months and I'm hating the idea that she's stuck there in the middle of it all more and more. People keep telling me I should take her. Even my manager after I broke down and told him everything after my sister's call left me a mess at work, said that I would be the better option. I know what it's like to be fought over in custody battles and I understand way too well the fear of being taken away from your home as well as what it's like to change schools. I dont want that for Koral. I dont even know if I would be the better option. I talked to my cousin, whom I live with, about it for a while last night and she said she wouldn't be opposed to having Koral with us... but I feel bad making this her issue too. I want what is best for my sister. She's way too smart. You know when unqualified pet owners get a dog breed that is really smart and they struggle to meet the needs to keep it entertained so it just makes trouble? That is what my sister is like. My family has their strengths, but Koral is 6 and could run circles both physically and mentally around them. It might be "funny" now, but Lansing itself is a shitty influence on people and by the time she's a teenager and wants to go to a party, nothing is going to keep her from getting out short of bars on the windows and doors. The only thing stopping her from doing it now is motive. But would I do any better? I genuinely dont know. I wish I could talk to my brother about it. He knows where I come from and, even if he thinks I failed, he could at least tell me how to be better so I dont fuck up again for a little girl who is in a situation similar to one we were in. I asked Des today if she wanted to talk to their case worker about transfering guardianship. She said she's have to talk to her dad... which is bullshit. He lost the right to dictate where Koral goes when he fucked up. How is he supposed to be motivated to fix this if the only thing that has changed is that she doesn't sleep in her bedroom anymore? He shouldn't see her when he wants to or be able to say what happens to her. And I dont say that because I think he shouldn't ever be able to, because I want him to step it up, I just feel like he wont if things keep going as they are. I dont want to lose my sister to the system. Supposedly the social worker said that Koral also has to stay in the same school and can't see anyone not on the already approved list of people for the sake of consistency... but that's stupid. I know that changing schools can be traumatizing, and if Lansing was a good place to live and raise a kid, then maybe I'd try to make that work, but it isnt. So it makes me wonder that if I came to the table with a clearly stable, appealing plan would they change their minds? If it were my choice, I'd have her in therapy to help deal with everything, maybe a sport like gymnastics or whatever else she might be interested in to keep her engaged. I'm planning a kids d&d session for her and another kiddo that she plays with when she's here because last time she found my monster manual and got obsessed. And I know it wont be all good. She's a handful and a brat, and she can be a force of nature when she doesn't get her way, but I've been an older sister since I was five and my family didnt out up with bratty behavior. I know how to deal with it, and I also know how to use the internet and other resources to learn. Hell, I live with a child therapist/youth minister. I know I could do it. Even if it ended up being a permanent thing. I'm torn between the fear of not being enough at the expense of my sister's wellbeing and knowing that I'd gladly twist myself into a pretzel to try and do right. But when it comes to other people, especially a kid, is trying enough? Good intentions don't equal a quality of living. So yeah, that's where I am right now. Trying to be better and figure out who I am while also being incredibly stressed out and lost. If you read through this, thank you for listening to this TED talk. I'm open to advice.

#That's how far down this rabbit hole I am #I'm looking for guidance from the internet #long post

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letstalksymphogear · 5 years

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Symphogear, EP. 6

Last Time on Grand Theft Auto:

Tsubasa recovers from the world’s gayest coma as Hibiki trains her mind while putting aside such silly concepts as “the love of my life” and “literally being with my girlfriend.” After cooling Miku’s paranoia with her brand new washboard abs, Genjuro prepares the team for a pizza run across the city to deliver a dangerously hot pizza pie named Durandal. Chaos emerges as the delivery is intercepted by a rival pizza gang, lead by the nefarious Gremlin known as Yukine Chris. But, before the pizza could be claimed, dedicated pizza deliverywoman Hibiki not only steals it back, but eats it, harnessing the power of the pizza and unleashing cheesy pasta based chaos around the location.

Ryoko is so into it that she taps into her superpowers and protects Hibiki after she passes out. The delivery is considered a failure, and no tip is given.

And so, the journey continues...

Meanwhile, in this weird, tricked out mansion...

Chris meditates on some water metaphors of her own.

“that pacman colored freak took only touching it to activate a cheap ass french sword that gave her weird demon powers and its taken me YEARS to use this dumb stripper outfit and the funny cane that goes with it, what the FUCK man, what even is my life”

“maybe... maybe honeybaked hams ARE that powerful...”

“NO! turkey is the superior meat! it’s healthier, lower in fat, and way more tasty! fuck you! i’ll get my goddamned revenge!”

Chris begins musing about Fine’s motivations to capture Hibiki; during these, we’re treated to some brief image flashbacks of Chris’s life.

Suddenly, those jokes about food are a lot less funny.

It doesn’t take a genius to put two and two together as to why this young woman is helping a strange nudist dominatrix spread alien terror across the city of mumblednoises, Japan. She doesn’t really have many an option on the table. It’s either help the weird kinkster with her plans, or die.

Despite everything, she has a high opinion of Fine, for the same reasons someone might have a high opinion of a television show if it were the only show they were ever exposed to. She is deeply afraid of being alone again, because she has lived through such misery that the very thought of existing out in the cold again terrifies the shit out of her.

The Sun rises casually amidst Chris’s thoughts.

“ah shit. it just hit me. i literally have spent the entire night standing here instead of actually going the fuck to sleep. goddamnit.”

On such a devious metaphorical twist, Fine stands behind her as the Sun rises.

“yeah, jokes on you. i couldnt sleep for shit either. turns out, all nude, no blankets? in japan? real bad idea.”

“thats why i decided to GO GOTH, babey! whattaya think? do i give those witchy vibes, huh? real ‘black magic woman’ santana hours? feeling cute, gonna head out with the girls and summon satan in the woods kinda aesthetic looking shit? come on, be real with me. does this not look baller?”

“you look like morticia decided to go to the grocery store to buy some wonder bread, but other than that, its a step up from your usual pussy out attitude, so sure”

“you know i decided to get some brain cells on loan from Brain Cells R Us, and ive been thinking this solomon cane stuff is solomon lame. i dont need this dumb oversized harry potter cosplay prop to get shit done. also, murder is... sorta bad? im still trying to get the brain cell stuff down.”

“i can punch just as good as goody two shoes if not better.”

“lol go do it then champ, im gonna go cut down a forest of trees now”

And so, they both just kinda... stand there.

“QUACK, NEXT SCENE, QUACK”

Meanwhile, Tsubasa is rapidly trying to rehabilitate herself from her wounds like walking like a madman, her IV drip presumably filled with Taco Bell brand Doritos Locos Tacos super spicy nacho cheese. Taco Bell: Live Mas.

“im gonna clear every fucking taco bell in your goddamned memory, kanade”

“think outside the bun! wait, what? that was a taco bell slogan? ah fuck it, im dead. what nerd’s gonna try and correct me?”

“i would, kanade. i am that nerd.”

Tsubasa is hell bent to try and understand Kanade’s simple philosophy of helping others selflessly. Unfortunately, when Kanade died, she took all the brain cells between them in the process, so coming to this epiphany is a work in progress.

“listen its a fucking miracle you are 1. alive and 2. able to have your blood run on the garbage melted plastic taco bell tries to dupe people into believing is cheese so why dont you just lie down and think of better franchises to eat from”

“no! you dont understand! taco bell is a franchise of the PEOPLE! their meals are cheap and filling and- and the chicken quesadillas are of good quality for their price! i promised kanade- my vow to the death. taco bell... ergh... now and forever... i-”

“wait. my gay senses are tingling.”

It’s Hibiki, probably running track with Miku.

“oh yeah... her... i should probably apologize to her. about trying to kill her. and then letting her almost be kidnapped. and just giving her a general hard time about something that wasn’t explained to her in the slightest for months. she’s a good bean.”

Tsubasa proceeds to never canonically apologize to Hibiki throughout the entirety of all 4 seasons of Symphogear.

Look at em run. See, it’s a metaphor, because they haven’t communicated yet and they’re running from their problems! But they’re running towards Tsubasa, who is part of the representative problem these two share! Clearly literary genius.

It’s like someone went halfway into writing an NTR plotline and went “maybe this isn’t a good idea to market our songs on.”

Hibiki is still thinking about her Hellshake Yano moment with Durandal. Mainly how she nearly killed someone with it. Hibiki is very starkly in the “killing is bad, and wrong” camp of morality, a trait currently unique to her that she’ll wind up teaching literally everyone else she meets one way or another.

Some could argue the L stands for Lydian, and they’re wrong. It stands for Lesbian.

“that was one hell of a run, hibiki! im pooped! why dont we go to the locker room and call it a day, have a nice shower and just get some dinn-”

“this is the last straw.

i clean your plates. i cook your food. we eat, shit, shower, and sleep in the same FUCKING area, and this is how you repay me? huh? you think being your wife is easy shit, hibiki? half the damn time you’re running off like clark kent having food poisoning and the other half ive gotta babysit you, the emotional equivalent of a preteen clown, to make sure your life doesn’t self destruct harder than Atlantis sinking into the ocean. im done! i am DONE. im reopening my tinder, im slamming my ass BACK into okcupid, and im gonna date some CUTE ACADEMY GIRLS that treat me BETTER than this ABSOLUTE BETRAYAL OF HEART AND IM NOT CRYING I SWEAR ITS JUST THE SWEAT IN MY EYES AND HIBIKI HOW COULD YOU-”

“oh yeah, sure! hey, lemme just do a few more laps, ive just been feeling judgmental about myself and my figure, you know? gotta push myself further...”

“o-oh yeah, sure. no worries, ill wait for you. love you too, hibiki...”

The girls bathe together, as good friends typically do.

“hey you ever notice the showers here have like, weird psuedo-luxurious minipools to bathe in? like, how rich is this school?”

“whoever made this place is either rich or a pervert. or both, probably!”

Miku remarks that Hibiki has changed since she’s entered Lydian, in a manner most unheterosexual.

“oh FUCK you really DO have washboard abs now! ohhh my god.”

“damn, those abs were heavenly. let’s get pancakes later.”

I won’t screenshot it but something to note is that they actually wear each other’s corresponding underwear colors (or even, if you want to examine more closely, each other’s underwear). Here’s an equivalent scene to give you the mental image.

This is the face of someone who knows what they want and already have it. Such is the power of Kohinata Miku.

Meanwhile, Genjuro comes back from the funeral of the guy the Americans filled violently and with impunity.

“yo that all black look looks baller. i should borrow that look... id look pretty gothy in it.”

“ryoko i sympathize with your sharp, fashionista eye but this was for a funeral, i was paying my respects to the dead. thats the usual dress code.”

“didnt know they updated that. i remember back in my day, we just went in white garments and chanted in latin!”

“shit was fire. literally. lots of funeral pyres.”

“lmao ryoko buddy your larping sessions arent actual history”

“hey dont shit on larping around me. i used to be a professional larper while i was majoring in acting. helped really sell my career when i had to pretend to slay the Dark Lord Jyarloen atop the mountain of skulls in Hargobor after my family was killed by the Dark Army. asshole.”

“haha yeah, larping, thats cool yeah, i do that

i...

i larp.”

“oh yeah? you wanna join my larping session sometime then? we’re gonna do an ancient babylon plot thats inspired by some anime, itll be fun”

“.....................................im super into realism.”

“i know im dressed for a funeral but id like to not part ways with my dignity yet. besides, we’ve got serious shit to talk about. basically, we’re on the verge of getting shitcanned.”

As it turns out, the death of this politician removed the last obstacle of opposition to maintain the 2nd Division, as the average criticism against the 2nd Division is “why are we funding this mystery division when we don’t know what they do”. Of course, the sensible idea for an organization that defeats the Noise is to declassify it, given people of different jobs and positions have physically seen the Symphogear in action, but you know. “Oh no, the other governments will come after us” stick gets shaken.

“im in a union. i know my rights. you’re not taking my acting job here away from me.”

“im not going back to be a preschool teacher. its been ten year. the bites on my ankles still havent healed...”

“yeah man, shit sucks ass. i cant fund my adoption habits if im fired.”

Look at these cinematic parallels. Symphogear truly is a franchise made by someone living in 3030.

“worst part is the new minister is super into america. he’s a... westaboo.”

“a westaboo?”

“westaboo?”

“did he just unironically say westaboo”

“he said westaboo. oh my god. this is the hell timeline.”

“i mean people kept calling me that for worshipping all these fighting flicks so i guess it fit? i dont see the problem here”

Meanwhile, in Lydian Academy...

“so it hit me, right? we’re ALL girls. and we ALL sing. now, humor me a moment. what if... what if we’ve all been recruited to potentially be superheroes... through our singing? like, there’s no coincidence that all this shit happens around us, right? and a famous singer LIVES here? i saw the black cars outside! weird shit is happening here- im not even gonna eat the all you can eat bar anymore!”

“kathy there is literally no such thing as superheroes who sing. this place is more likely to be a organ harvesting op than whatever madness you’re saying”

“what? you need me, a singing superhero, to go stop a problem happening underneath the school, a location meant to recruit young women into potentially becoming fellow crime fighting singers?”

“yeah im too busy poppin’ caps in asses so go kick ass in my place”

“sure!”

“.....................................who ya talkin to, hibiki?”

“the boss! gotta go do a thing again...”

“hibiki, i dont like the fact that capitalism is tearing us apart.”

“you’ve gotta join me in the revolution, hibiki. you. me. luxury automated gay space communism. aint it the dream? share my vision, hibiki. its glorious.”

“n... no...? no gay space communism today? well, what about tomorrow? or the next day? or... maybe the next day? baby steps, you say? but, direction action, hibiki! we’ve gotta strike now!”

“it’s okay hibiki. when i take over the world and destroy all first world government leaders, and unite the globe in my encompassing reign and love... ill make sure to spare you, and be my bride to be.”

“thanks miku. im just not ready yet for the globe to burn in an unending ball of fire as the continents fuse into a new utopia composed of our combined wills. also, ive really gotta go, its genuinely an emergency.”

“for the cause!”

“yes hibiki... for the cause...”

Admittedly, you can see the stages of grief Miku goes through when she sees Hibiki say she can’t join her for pancakes. It’s sad. This side story sucks.

Meanwhile, as it turns out, the problem Hibiki needed to resolve was checking on Tsubasa to see if she hadn’t dissolved into Taco Bell brand hot n’ spicy Tabasco sauce.

“god, cant believe taco bell was closed. now i gotta deliver these lame ass flowers”

“cant wait to get threatened again. wonder what she’ll say. ‘hibiki, i should have killed you when i had the chance.’ or ‘you’re so goddamned weak. i could break your spine with my fingernail’, or some other stuff about metaphors. oh, my stops here”

“HEY BITCH WHATS GOOD-”

“HOLY SHIT”

“you are already”

“dead.”

#symphogear #recap #anime #comedy #sponsored by taco bell

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lucinx-moved · 5 years

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a lot of oc talk below boop

SO i wanted to make some kind of a.....semi coherent post about em new babis that i have bc i want to talk about them but i wont be able to make too much content about them (or as much as im doing w aura now lol) for a while at least but yeah. i want to ramble about them anyway because they good. and im a proud mama. all of them were initially born into pinterest boards so you kinda get the most out of them from their boards i think. visually anyway. OKE so meet eir, asher, isa and neave.

eir is my dark-skinned and pale eyed elfy archer queen. her name means peace and mercy and thats mostly what her personality is about lol. shes quite lawful and wants to do the right thing, preferably with no violence. she is skilled with her bow but wants to use it as the absolute last option when negotiating or making decisions. she’s very calm and collected and can be quite serious, but she has a kind heart. her mother was an elf and her father a human, which kind of drives her motivation to learn about humans and maybe how to make peace with them. i just made her in dao, as a dalish warden (so her backstory kind of conflicts with the lore but who cares about canon right haha *sweats*) and im v excited to see what kind of journeys shes gonna have (and who is she gonna romance YEET).

asher is the sweetest boi. the sunshine. with his red hair and freckles. so many freckles... he’s a rogue as well and really, really, loves his blades. he doesnt really have a filter, he says all the things that hes thinking about and that def has got him into trouble. hes short, pretty and a meme and just wants to climb trees and have a good time. and maybe go stick a knife in some bad guys throat from time to time. he has a younger sister (but who really knows which one is supposed to be the older one). im planning on making him as my hawke in da2 and thatll certainly change some things (like...add another sibling lol good luck @ me trying to figure that out) but till then! hes my chaotic boi. his name also means happy so there ya go.

isa is a buff stronk qunari warrior lady, very intimidating looking, extremely scarred all over, broken nose, all that stuff. but in reality she is the softest and gentlest bean, cries a lot, and spends most of her free time taking care of lil forest creatures. she was trained to be a warrior from a very young age, never wanted to be one but kind of had to and didnt know how to live life any different. that has left her with a lot of emotional burden and insecurity and that combined with she already being very sensitive is.....A Lot. but we love her v much. i made her in dai and eeep cant wait to play with her and see her grow and develop more. her name does mean strong willed so *eyes emoji*.

neave is a mystery for both me and them probably. neaves a demon babey, not really of any gender or race, not really alive but still existing in some way. they werent always like that tho, but shenanigans happened (im....figuring it out alright), they died and came back blind and having all the color taken away from their skin, hair and face. and seeing that sacrifice was really for nothing, why even believe in good anymore huh? they give that creepy kind of vibe just being very calm, cunning, emotionless. doing terrible things and not blinking an eye. but they dont do those things just for the sake of doing them, neaves very intelligent and always have their reasons, whatever those might be. neaves a blood mage (an evil blood mage? really stretching the stereotypes here huh) but not part of any game as of now, and prob not going to be in a while at least. so they chillin here and there for now.

#i forgot this post in my drafts lol might as well publish it finally #also im planning on drawing all of them #i already kind of did neave but when i have time #ill do the rest of em #ye #alrighty yall have a good day *flower emoji*#oc tag #my babeys tag #oc: eir #oc: asher #oc: isa #oc: neave #i changed my oc tags oop #laila babblin

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noxitic-blog · 7 years

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Foundation

Some langst i thought up of

•Lance is jealous that Keith has Shiro , Pidge has Hunk , Coran has allura . He felt left out and unfit for the group . He truly left like a 7th wheel .

•Lance is still insecure and never had reassurance , so he thought it would be best to just leave and go back to earth .

•he thinks leaving would be the option since allura had taken over the blue lion . Plus he would be able to see his family again . (Though he doesnt really want to leave because the palladins are also his family)

•he decides to pack at night and he goes up To blue to say goodbye and tells her she will always be his lion and he goes to red and thanks her for accepting him and his voice starts to crack and ends up crying and he says take care of keith cause he can be hot headed

•He went inside his space pod and took one last sigh and remembered all the times he had with his friends . How he looked up to Shiro , How he will miss his bestfriends cooking , being a brother figure to Pidge while still looking for matt , becoming good friends with allura , seeing coran as his uncle and lastly , how now overcame the rival stage with keith and became close friends with him .

• He hesistates for a moment , but continues anyway . His last words were “ I know you guys can do it . Goodluck on defending the universe" and rides off into space .

•Next morning , they were to report to a meeting to discuss their next attack on lotor . Once all of them was there , they questioned the absence of Lance . They probably thought he overslept or totally forgot about the meeting , so they decided to go to his room . They knock on his door , but he there was no answer , so they all went inside . They looked around and he was no where to he found , but they saw a paper on his bed that says . “Im sorry I couldnt tell you any of this , but I left to go back to earth . I miss my family . I- I really appreciate the time we all had together and defending the universe with you guys” . P.S , Allura , take care of blue for me .

• 3 days has passed , Lance not knowing where he is , not knowing how many light years he is from earth . The silence of the space pod , was uncomfortable for him . He enjoyed hearing the laughter and the voices from his friends , feeling a tear form in his eyes he tells himself , “its okay , its okay he wipes his tears and says

• “dont regret any of this . Theyre better off without me ”

•His space pod is running out of fuel and hes also running out of supplies to eat . He had no option , but to go to the closest planet . Strangely enough it was the balmera planet .

•He landed safely in the balmera planet , he looked around to see the planet was lively and safe . He was shocked when he heard a girl say “hey , arent you hunks friend?” He turned around to see shay .

, he remembered her when they were fighting and protecting the balmera from getting destroyed . Also , Hunk wouldnt stop talking about her and how grateful he was to have met her . The boy was totally inlove with her . He smiled as memories flood in of him and hunk in the kitchen , while hunk was preparing to make a special meal , Lance was just sitting , staring at his bestfriend prepare the meal while , he talked about the love of life . He was talking about how Shay was a very nice person and hunk had such a soft look on his face while talking about her . and Lance just smiled at his bestfriend , glad that hes found someone he was fond of . He also questions if he , himself wil also find someone he can talk about so proudly and fondly of . Then Lance , remembered how Allura and Keith were getting closer and how bothered he was by it .

“I hate his stupid mullet so much “ Hunk turned around and gave Lance a weird look . “Are you talking about Keith ?” Lance nodded , it was him alright his rival per say , although they were getting closer to one another so we had no say of where their relationship stand was at the moment .

Hunk asked “do you actually hate him? “ Lance looked at Hunk weirdly , he was caught off guard with the question . Honestly , he never did , he never hated the guy . not at all . its quite the opposite , he respected him a lot due to his abilities , he was envious of him . he would never say this to Keiths face , but hes axtually glad to be his rival . His thoughts were interupted when Shay was waving a hand in front of him , asking him if hes alright .

“O-ohh What was that ? , sorry I was thinking about something” Lance sighed , hunk would be so jealous of him right now , he’d been dying to see Shay . Shay looked at lance with concern , but with a tint of curiosity , “Are the other palladins with you ? “ Shay was looking at Lance for an answer , Lance just looked at her , sweat dropped down his forehead . how was he going to explain all of this to her ? .

“Oo-oh no just me and my handsome self ✨” Lance tried to hide the the overcoming feeling of sadness and guilt with a smile . Shay noticed this a bit , but decided to nodd it off . “Oh I see , so what brings you here palladin?” . Lance was stuck in a turmoil , should he tell her ? Should he tell her hes just visiting ? It wouldnt be bad to tell her right? She had no way to contact Hunk so he wouldnt know and they wouldnt come looking for him . He needed to leave fast .

“Why would he leave us ? “ Hunk slid back on the couch , looking up at the ceiling , worried about what happened to his bestfriend , if hes okay , if the galrans captured him . A lot of negative thoughts circled his mind. He knew his bestie wouldnt just up and leave . He knew something was wrong . “well he did say in the letter , he missed his family , so thats what motivated him to leave “ Pidge replied as she was typing on her computer trying to get coordinates of Lotors where abouts . “I know that , but I think theres more to this than what we see “ Shiro replied as he walked back and forth across the room trying to think of ways to get a hold of Lance , also worried about his safety . Keith was silent throughout this , but his mind is jumbled of thoughts that occurred during the bedroom scene . Now recalling it , Lance did go to him , saying he would step down since he wasnt needed . They were getting closer or so he thought . Everytime he was getting closer to Lance , Lance goes farther away and Keithwas now angry . Lance didnt tell him anything about leaving . His head hurt . Did lance think he was useless to the team? Did he feel inferior ? His train of thoughts were interrupted when Hunk shot up from his slouch position , and screamed “ We have to go find him” everybody looked at Hunk , they knew he was serious . He was , Lances bestfriend afterall .

“But Lotor can be roaming around and we need to find him . We dont have time to look for Lance” Keith lashed out . Keith now regretting what he said , he was angry at Lance for leaving the group . . Just leaving a piece of letter behind and went on with his life . What about his duty as a palladin? He thought Lance was being selfish . His own selfishness will cause the group to be in disaray . He looked at Hunk and saw a painful look on Hunks face . Hunk sighed and replied . &ldquo ,no one stopped you when you tried to look for your brother (Shiro) , but you cant stop me when im looking for my bestfriend . If you guys arent coming with me , im going alone “ Hunk was determined to find Lance . He knew something was wrong , he knew Lance enough to know when he did something irrational , it was due to his inner turmoil . All that said he needed to go look for him .

“Um my space pod kind of ran out of gas , but Ill just stay here for a bit to rest and look for some supplies , if thats alright with you guys?“ nbsp;“ Lance looked at Shay for an answer just responded “"oh okay , please come, youre more than welcome , meet the other balmerians , we will be happy to help , since you saved us “ Lance was happy Shay was here . She was a calming person to be around , and also glad that theyre giving him hospitality . Also , he was all alone to a kind of new enviornment so , he wasnt fully relaxed yet .

Keith looked at Hunk and wanted to apologize , but was already walking away . Keith got up to catch up to Hunk , only to for the both of them to be stopped by Allura . “You guys just , please lets all calm down and talk this through , I know we are all sad about Lance , but we need to make a plan before actually going out to look for him ”

They both stopped in their tracks , surprised that Allura isnt going to tell them that we need to move on , just like she did with Shiro , but to come up with a plan to help look for him .

“I dont want him to end up alone , hurt and discomfort . I dont want him to go through what Shiro went through , so lets take precautions .” They all looked at Allura and smiled . Shiro went through a lot and went through more . She didnt want the same thing happening to Lance . She became good friends with Lance and she didnt want this friendship to tarnish . Moving on didnt help Shiro and the team . It made them mature yes , but the wound was still there .

Hunk started to walk back and Keith stopped him and apologized “Hunk , look , im sorry , I - it came out wrong and I didnt mean to say it that way ” Hunk also apologized for acting irrational “its okay buddy , and im sorry to , I just , I just worried about him . They gave each other weak smiles and walked back to the couch .

“Iv never seen Hunk so serious before , nice job keef ” Keith was about to retort , but only gave her a look . He wanted to keep his tempure on check , since backlashing isnt going to help anything . She snorted and continued to look up at her computer screen . she stopped looking for Lotors coordinates , but instead was looking for a way to locate Lances location . This was harder than she thought since they had no knowledge of what kind of Pod Lance used . Pidge didnt want to show that she was concerned about Lance , but in reality she really was . She was like his brother and now for him to walk out of her life like that felt like Matt was leaving her all over again . It hurted her . She didnt want to experience the pain all over again .

Shay led Lance to were a bunch of balmerans were . It looked to be a gathering of some sort . “Here lance have some food ” Lance took the food and gave it a weird look , questioning what it was , why did it look so pink and gooey , but Lance had no choice , since his stomach was practicaly screaming to be full .

“Lets do a little introduction , heres my family , thats my brother Rax , my grandmother Rena , my father rox , and my grandmmother Rilla” Lance bowed and pointed his gun fingers at them and greeted them . “Hey there the names , Lancey Lance , but you can call me handsome ✨” they all looked at him and gave a nervous laugh and sweat dropped. They didnt know how to react to such a behavor . Rena walked up to Lance and gently grabbed his arm , “youre more than welcome to be here , after saving us from such tragic . ” her smile was warm and big . Lance felt a gush of happiness , she reminded him of his Abuelita from back home . Her sweet singing , her good cooking , he- all of sudden tears start streaming from his eyes .

He really missed his mother hugs , his grandmothers hugs , the rain , the verardo beach , his little cousins , but he also missed playing on Pidges computer and using her headphones to listen to music , watching Hunk cook and charting with him about everything , training with Shiro , having small talks with Allura , helping coran clean the healing pods and Keith , he missed Keith , and His stupid mullet , he misses bickering with him . Everything was crashing down on him . He was so tired . He hated the feeling of not being of use to the team , he hated feeling like a hindurance to the team . Tired . Tired of everything . Tired of being away from both of his homes at the same time . His home at the castle of lions and his home art earth . Rena took Lances arm and asked if he was alright , Lance looked at her and he couldnt do it anymore , he hugged Rena , and poured out his heart . “Im so sorry” his voice cracked “im so selfish , im not a good friend , i-i Im so useless I hate mysel-” Rena hushed him and held him in her arms . Lance held on to Rena , he could feel his legs give out . They both fell on the floor , Lance still clutching onto Rena. Rena told the other balmerans to leave them be , except Shay .

Shay looking sympathetically towards Lance , wishing she could help him anyway possible . She wished Hunk was here to also help him . She sar next to Lance and Rena . The tears wouldnt stop , he wanted to go home , but he didnt know which home . With the palladins or with his earth family . A fee moments later Lance fell in a slumber sleep . Shay ruffled Lances hair and wiped tears away , she looked at Grandma Rena and asked , “Do you think Lance will be okay? ” Rena looked at Lance , she thought that poor guy looked like he was having a hard time with himself , but he looked a bit relaxed in his sleep . “Yeah he will be fine . He just needs time . “

Pidge pulled up a map of the galaxy “Okay so Lance shouldnt be that far from us , his space pod should only get him a atleast 2 if not three planets away from us ” Allura inserted , ” there are three possible planets that he went to since hes ran out of gas . First planet is Robus X , Ubio and lastly the Balmera Planet . . Hunk walked up to the map and closely looked up at the three planets . He examined them one by one . Robus X and Ubio was out of the list , he looked at the balmeran planet , he has a hunch he might be there . “you guys , I feel like Lance would be in the Balmera planet” Pidge looked at Hunk and grinned . Pidge went up to Hunk and lightly poked his stomach and teased him “ you just want to see your girlfriend ” . Allura , Shiro and Keith and Coran just looked at each other and shrugged . “No-no you guys , im being serious , I have a feeling hes there ” They all looked at him and remembered how Hunks hunches were somewhat accurate . And everybody decided they would put faith in Hunks hunch . Shiro walked up to Hunk and placed his hand on his shoulders and smiled at him . “ Okay Coran and Allura , lets go to the Balmera Planet “ Coran and Allura got into their position and opened up a black hole in front of them . A black hole that goes right into the Balmeran Planet .In everybodies head , they hope Hunk is right and that he is there and safe .

Opening his eyes was harder than he thought . He felt like his eyes were shut with glue . He was laying down on the floor a rock as a pillow , but somehow it felt really soft . Shay saw Lance shuffle on his sleep , and shook his shoulders a bit . “H-hey youre awake now , are you alright?” Lance looked up to see Shay , Smiling, but her eyes seemed so concerned about him . Lance got up and looked around the room to look for Rena . “Hey , im alright , thanks shay , by the way , wheres Rena?” Shay got up and grabbed a Cloth and put a bit if water on it and handed it to Lance . “Shes making us food at the moment , I wanted to help , but I wanted to tend to you ” Lance smiled and grabbed the cloth and wiped his face with it . He probably looks terrible from all that crying and sniffing . “Food is ready , im glad youre awake Lance ” Shay got up and helped Rena set up the table and food .

Lance felt so bad , he felt like hes been taking advantage of them , first he comes uninvited to their planet and take their supplies to embark on his journey to earth , where he literally has no idea which way it is, next He showed him how weak he was by crying infront of them and now he is being fed .This is too much . He is always recieving , but never giving back . He Couldnt stay here any longer , he needed to leave . He didnt want to inconvinence them any longer so Lance has decided . “Hey Rena and Shay thanks for everything , but youve done enough , I cant take anymore from you guys , thank you. I really need to get going Ladies” Lance gets up to leave only to be stopped by Rena

. “Please stay to eat , you need it ” He looked at Shay and Rena , eyes were pleading to stay with them , he was about to retort , but he sighed and gave in . Theyre too nice of a person to say no to . All of three started to walk towards the table and pick at their food . Lance looked at his food and back at both Shay and Rena . He was truly , thankful , for these two. They also reminded him of his sister and his grandma . Rena noticed Lance staring at her and smiled , “ Something the matter ? ” Lance looked away still a smile on his lips and tells them of how the three of them eating reminded him of his sister and grandma. “Ahh , I see , why dont you tell us more about your earth family ? ” Shay asked excitedly .

Lance realized he has only known these two for only in a short amount of time , but he didnt hesitate to tell them at all . It felt natural to tell them , natural to talk to them . Hes about to tell them his life story . Not that he wouldnt mind , its just that , it felt like hes been knowing them forever , Thats a good sign . Or a weak sign because he trusts too easily , but he knows deep in his heart , these people are too be trusted . “W-well , I have a big family at home . I have 3 little cousins , 2 brothers and 2 sisters , Im the oldest one and of course my grandma , my mother and my dad . ” Lance smiled as he remembers his hometown and his friends and his favorite beach in the world . The verardo beach . “Our family would always go to the beach , even when its cold . We are commitsd to Tuesday Beach Day . Lance laughed and continued ” I always look after my brothers and sisters at home while my parents where away from work. My mom is has a resturant and my dad helps with the cooking . Also , My mother gives the best hugs!!“ Lance remembers during his birthdays , his other siblings birthdays , relatives birthday , or any holiday . There would always be a lot of food . And a lot of people would come over friends and family . It would get crazy and loud , but fun. “My grandma , she also gives the best hugs , I cant say whose hugs i like more , but theyre both the best ” Lance paused to eat some of his food and continued “ My three cousins , are a big pain in the butt to take care of . Seriously they run around all over the place ! . One time they tied me up and put my hair in a pony tail !” Rena and Shay in unison laughed , Rena thought . Lance had such a vibrant and all around fun family . Of course , there will always be discourse here and there , but would it really be a family if there wasnt ? Rena stopped laughing and wiped the tear from her eyes “Your family must be really fun to be with , truly they do love and miss you .” Lance smiled turned into a frown he thought “ love and miss me huh? , I wonder if they do , I wonder if theyre looking for me and or even remotly remember me at all” lances train of thought interrupted when Rena asked

” so , what about your palladin family?“ Lance looked up to Rena and hesistated to answer for a sec , but proceeded . "W-well , um theres 7 of us . 2 beautiful ladies , Allura , shes really smart and shes an altean princess and super strong , youve met her before . Theres Pidge , shes a gremlin ,but shes my little sister kinda , shes tech savy and really smart . Theres Coran , hes like my uncle , he makes me help him clean the healing pods , I really found it boring at first , but now I have fun cleaning it with him since he now puts music . Theres Shiro , hes the man I look up to the most , hes a great leader and I aspire to be like him one day . Also , hunk , my best bud , my man , been knwoing that guy ever since , super humble , hes really smart and handsome . Anyone would be lucky enough to be his girlfriend. Lance glanced over at Shay and Shay looked away with tinted pink cheeks . He couldnt wait for Shay and Hunk to actually be together . They would give Lance cavity . Lance laughed , and continued . Last , but not least , ugh mullet guy . “This guy , him and his stupid mullet . I mean hes not a bad guy , but he ignored me when we went to garrisons together , but then he gets mad over me not remembering our “bonding moment” , and now he became my rival , well , not really anymore I think . Lance puts his spoon down and puts his hand under his chin and raised his eyebrows “ I mean , well . I dont think hes my rival anymore , I guess were friends now ? I mean , Hes a cool guy flying into asteroids and cool junk like that. So ,I dont hate him that much , well I dont hate him , I dont think I ever hated him . I guess I want to he friends with him , but I dont know , I think he hates m- Lance stopped when the room filled with Laughter from both Shay and Rena

. "I think you like this guy , I think youre mixing your feelings with hate and like and rivalry ” Lance looked at them with an unamused face with a tint of blush on his cheeks . “Who would like him? Anyway , I mean ” Lance remembers their bonding moment , (vividly) , when they held hands , when keith gave him the softest smile when he saved up from a flying sword , Keith smiling fondly at him when he made a joke about being the sharpshooter . Their backs touching one another when they were stuck on the elevator. Lances face was now a full on tomato, he turned to look away from the two of them. This is so embarrassing . “Stupid brain , stop THINKING ABOUT HIM , HIS MULLET , HIS FACE, HIS LIPS , WHY WOULD I LIKE HIM WE ALWAYS BICKER , HE HATES ME , BUT WE PROTECT EACH OTHER FROM HARM , I MEAN THATS WHAT EVERY COUPLE DO RIGHT?!?! WAIT WHY AM I COMPARING US TO A COUPLE? gaah STUPID BRAIN

"You have an amazing family Lance ” Lance now calm , looked at his plate and back at Rena . “yeah , theyre the best . I miss them ” Lance grabbed a spoonful and continued to eat . “ Why are you trying to leave your family? ”

as he was about to eat his food , he paused midair and slowly put the spoon down . “W-well , its , just that I feel that Im not good enough to be on the voltron team” Rena and Shay concerned about him. “so this is what was bothering the kid?” Rena thought . Both her and Shay got up from their seats and hugged Lance . Rena and Shay ruffled his brown hair . “Lancey , my boy , Sometimes the world feels like its against us , sometimes its not the world , its our ourselves that we are fighting ” Lance listened contently . Shay continue “you know , Lance , when I have a problem , usually I can fix it myself , but if Im not able to . I have my friends and family . If they have a problem , I would also give them a helping hand because thats what friends and family do . You dont have to always shoulder your burdens , you have plenty of shoulders to lean on . If you dont have a shoulder to lean on you can have arms ” Both Rena and Shay wrap their arms around his shoulders .

"A strong foundation that can keep you up from falling down” Lance was shocked , he never felt so much love in this while , he starts to grab both of their arms and hug them . Tears streaming down his facewhile continuously saying “thank you guys so much ”. This moment , was a moment Lance , will truly forever cherish . He was so grateful to have met these two . It felt like he had just made another family , He showed them his beautiful and darkside and they embraced it . They embraced him . They accepted him and helped him even when he was just a stranger who just landed on their planet for resources . Their hospitality and love that was graced upon him and honestly he felt like he didnt deserve it ,but accepted it whole heartedly . Rena and Shay felt happy for Lance to be able to pour out his feelings , though they werent sure , if his self doubts would continue , but he would know now himself that people care about him . All three of them crying and hugging each other was interrupted when they heard a loud sound coming from outside . All of them , looked at each other , wipping each others tears and looked outside to see what was all the commotion

. Lance shocked to see the ship , he also questioned how they were able to track him down , but then he remembered they had Hunk and In the team , so it wasnt that impossible to do so . But He was now feeling guilty and selfish and useless all over again . He now burdened the team more by making them waste their time trying to locate him , when instead should be focusing on locating Lotor and find out about his plans . Everyone gathered to see a small space pod landing . The door opened , Revealing the palladins and the princess . Shay looked over and saw Hunk , she was quite nervous , but happy so see him . Shay started to run towards the crowd and waved at Hunk . They both run towards each other and hug one another .

Hunk was now blushing furiously , unable to speak the words he wanted to speak “ H-hey Shay ! Lon-ng time no see ! ” Shay laughed at his stuttering and smiled at him , “ its good to see you again” The palladins caught up to hunk and shay . Shay saw the others coming up behind Hunk . Shay walked up to allura and greeted her . “ Princess Allura and palladins its good to see you guys again , how can he help you?” “Our friend has gone missing and we were wondering if you had seen him? ” Keith nervously looking around and hoping to see Lance , but there was no sign of him at all . Maybe he wasnt in this planet , maybe they were wasting all this time that he was at another planet . Wasting time when they could help him he was out there stranded or wounded “Are you refering to Lance? ” Keiths train of thoughts stopped as he heard Lances name . He was here? Where is he ? Keith started to look around at the people .

Rena and Lance looked at the crowd gathering around the palladins . Lance was super anxious to approach them , he had no way out now . He needed to apologize to them for burdening them . Rena looked up at Lance and placed a hand behind his back. And looked back at the crowd . “you dont have to yet go my son , but I know youre itching to see them again” Rena turned to Lance again finding him in a turmoil . Lance didnt have a choice , they were already here so might as well go with him and explain to them whats happening with him . Talking to Rena and Shay really helped and cleared his mind a bit . Lance hugged Rena “ Granny Rena , thank you for everything” and walked off to see the palladins . He was nervous , what if they kill him?well thats not really possible . But what if they hate him now? What if theyre just here so they could tell him theyre glad to leave him behind ? Either way he/ prepared with anything theyre going to say towards him .

"Hes here? Allura asked and Shay nodded . Every one was shocked and happy to find out that hes landed here . Hunk sighed in relief and questioned “so where is- “Im here” Lance answered he had his other hand on his neck . Rubbing it back and fourth and the other hand on his pocket trying to look for something to pick at .

Everyone turned and looked at Lance , they saw that he had red puffy eyes , ragged clothes and looked like he hasnt been eating or sleeping in months . Pidge , Allura , Coran and Hunk start to run towards him and hug him tightly . Lance wasnt expecting that at all . He expected to be reprimanded at . Expected to be hated . His thoughts were stopped when all of them started screaming in unison .

“MY BESTFRIEND HOW COULD YOU , WHO WAS I GOING TO NOW WHEN I MAKE EVERYONE FOOD ?!?! ” Hunk sobbed , he was grateful Lance was safe . He wouldnt be able to live if his bestfriend was harmed and or dead . “I HATE YOU - I THOUGHT YOU WERE GOING TO BE LIKE MATT AGAIN , DONT DO THIS AGAIN OR I WONT LET YOU USE MY HEADPHONES TO LISTEN TO SHAKIRA !! “ Pidge hugged Lances waist tightly . She was glad that Lance was safe , but she now haded to reprimand him later , if he ever decides to leave again , no shakira or laptop for a month . Coran screaming , “MY SONNNNN , MY SONNN YOU ARE SAFE , I FELT LONELY CLEANING THE PODS MYSELf ” Coran clinging on to his feet . Coran has lost many people in his life . Thr first gen Palladins . He didnt want to lose the other . He was glad he was safe . Shiro placed a hand on Lances shoulder and smiled at him “ Im glad youre safe ” . Shiro was reliefed that Lance wasnt captred by the galra . He was in good care and thats all that mattered . Allura hugged lances back “ YOU DARE LEAVE US ,HOW COULD YOU I FELT BETRAYED , I WAS WORRIED WE WOULDNT SEE YOU AGAIN ” Allura cried . She was began to start a new friendship with Lance and for Lance to be gone wouldve left a wound on her .

Keith was in the back watching the commotion , he sighed contently . He was glad that Lance was okay , but still a bit mad for leaving them . Keith decided to walk up slowly to them . “H-ey , we’re glad to have our sharpshooter back. ” Keith blushed and looked away , he didnt know what say at the time other than that .maybe saying welcome back couldve been better ? .

Everybody was now looking at Lance and Keith . Keith was embarrased to look back at Lance , but he looked anyway to see Lances reaction . Both starring at one another . Lance looked like a riped tomato . He can barely hold himself to say something . Now everybody was interested to see where this was going . “W-why are you blushing mullet?!?!” “I SHOULD BE ASKING you that , why are you blushing?!!” Keith was now embarrsed . He wished the ground undrr him would open up and swallow him . He decided that he would walk away and walk back small space pod . “Keith wait , I wanted to talk with you and everybody” Keith stopped and looked back at Lance and started walking back towards him . He remembers that he still hasnt told them the reason why he actually really left . He left them hanging , with an excuse at that . Its understandable that youd want to see your family again , but it still didnt add up , knowing Lance , he wasnt a selfish person , not at all . There was much more than "I just want to see my family”

Everybody stopped clinging on to Lance and was now facing him , waiting for an explaination . Lance took a deep breathe and told himself its okay you can do this . You can tell them . Just be yourself and tell them . After all , theyre your family . You 2 new families . The palladins and Shay and Rena.

“I-im sorry , for being a burden again , I-” Dang it , Lance thought the tears are forming again and he still havent even gotten far into his explaination yet . Everybody looked at Lance , sending worried looks on his way . Shay and Rena walked over to Lance and gave him a patt on the back . He looked at both of them and he nodded . He breathed in and out and continued “I-I left because I thought that ……I was … I-I felt like a burden to the team . A useless weight …….. Allura has the blue lion , S-Shiro was back so he was going to take Black from Keith and Keith would want his Red back , why should I be there ? I dont have a purpose anymore …. I think. I think everybodies inferior to me , Pidge is smart , Hunk is also smart , Shiro is a leader , Allura was powerful , Coran also had knowledge and Keith , Keith I , I also admired you . I- I just I was just I just - I just felt miserable being around with people whos abilities are off the charts , but now thinking about it and thinking about thr times I-I had with the team “ Lance stopped , his breathing patterns were off and the tears in his eyes were getting heavier . "I- I felt more miserable when I left you guys ” Lance cradled himself and crying . Everybody shocked and tears filled their eyes . They went up to Lance and hugged him . “Lance , the lion switch was temporary , dont worry about it . Youre not a burden to the team . Not at all . Youre far from that . We became good friends now , you always have my back , im super thankful for you . ” Allura assured Lance . Hunk pulled lance in a crushing hug and screamed “ Why would you think that? You saved us plenty of times ! Youre my bestfriend , I know we always joke around , but really youre important to us !! I dont like seeing you hurt buudddy ” Hunk safely Landed Lance down And Pidge started hugged Lance again in the waist “ I never thought you were a burden , i think youre a great friend Lance , thank you for being a good substitute brother” Lance cried more loudly , this was it , this was what he needed . Reassurance from the team . Ressurance that he was needed and loved by his teammates or better yet , his family . Lance pulled Hunk , Pidge and Allura in a tight embrace . Shiro walks up and patts him in the head , Lance looks up at Shiro and smiles “we never once thought you were a burden ,not at all . Youre a great sharpshooter Lance . Youre always improving and honestly you improved the most so far . ” Shiro got a bit teary eyed . Lance was like his brother to him , (well maybe brother in law in the future if things work out between him and keith) Coran interjected “ NOOOO MY SON , MY GORGEROUS SON , NEVER THINK NEGATIVELY ABOUT YOUR SELFFFF ” Coran lifted his hand up to Lances hair and ruffled them . "You make all of us proud my son ”

Keith was watching his teammates sob and cradle Lance . He wouldve been lying if he said he didnt want to , but he wasnt to keen in showing public diplay of affection . He walked up to them slowly . Hunk , Shiro , Pidge , Allura and Coran stop hugging Lance and looked at Keith coming up towards them . They all looked at each other and smiled and walked away from Lance . Lance was now confused , was Keith going to punch him? Yell at him? What what?

Keith walks up to Lance pulls on the hem of his shirt and places his forehead against his. Everybody was shocked by this . Pidge took out her made shift phone and started taking pictures . The picture was quite perfect with greenish lighting , but also sun arraying on them . The other palladins saying sighing contently saying finally . Keith sighed and looked at where he is gripping Lances shirt “I-im not good with words , but next time you have a problem , come to me , dont go far away from me , come and i-ill open my arms wide for you to hug .” Keith looks up at Lance for an answer and they both felt liked the world stopped when theyre eyes met . They were inches apart . Inches from closing the gap between them .

Everybody was starring at them intensely while , Keith and Lance starred at each other for a while blushing madly . Keith was getting embarrassed and weird stares that peope are giving them . Also to his weird little speech towards Lance . Keith lets go of Lances shirt and turns the other way “A-anyway thats all . lets go home” All of sudden , everybody was screaming sounding dissapointed “NO KISSS?!?!” Keith and Lance now frozen in their place . Lance looked like he was about to pass out , while keith looked like he was about to kill everybody .

But all in all , Lance is happy , he didnt know they cared about him this much . Or probably they did care about him a lot , but couldnt see through it due to his negative thoughts and fears . Tears streaming down his face again , truly he was fighting himself , not the world . He realized these people actually care about him . He was needed . He was loved .It was him that needed to overcome his insecurity fears and doubts . Although , it wont be easy to overcome , but truly he has wonderful people to help him overcome it . He also made a new family . Reana and Shay , he cant wait to meet up with them And his fanily back at earth after he finishes saving the world . He truly , is blessed and glad he had wonderful people in his life . Rena and Shay opened up his eyes and made him realize that he was worth more than he thought he was .

He now can finally , truly and contently say , the palladins , shay and rena and his family back at earth , are his foundation . ❣️

The end 💙❤️

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effervescentmind · 4 years

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Entry 21: 03.23.20 b

I wanted to talk more indepth about my job and housing concerns and also tie in another dynamic in my life right now. I met someone online in August and at first it was just a fwb type of arrangment. He would come over once a weekish and we would spend some time together, laugh and sleep together. Sometimes we would just sleep and not have sex but he ended up slowly staying over until the next morning and then it just became a regular thing for him to sleepover. He’s a nice guy and has his shit together, makes money and has a lot of awesome goals. He’s self-motivated, encouraging and funny and I really enjoy him. Sometimes we go out and we always have a good time but I didnt want anything and he knew that. I was still hurting and trying to figure myself out and redefine who I was after my last two relationships. He knew that and was ok with it but then starting hinting he wanted more. I denied him at first but eventually warmed up to him. He started to do nice little things for me and showed me he cared and paid attention to me. He would surprise me with little dates, gifts or practical things I needed. I would get good morning texts everyday and checked on throughtout the day...I’m speaking in past tense but all of these things still happen and on an even bigger scale now but he doesnt want to be in a relationship and I dont understand him. I did reject the idea at first but about a month or two later I told him I had feelings for him and he completely acted like he didnt talk to me about a relationship and tried to make me think I was confused. I showed him text messages and told him things he said to me...even when we went to the movies and he was talking about how he was going to teach his kids to swim (it was a reference to something in the movie) and he included me in his fantasy, as the Mother. Ive talked to him twice about it and tried to push him away but he comes back and tells me what I want to hear. I dont know though, the last time we spoke about it, he told me he didnt know what he wanted and that hes trying to figure out if he wants a relationship. He said hes used to women trying to be with him because they want to live off him but he likes that I dont try any of that with him. He likes that I have my own goals and plans for my career and life and supports me all the way but he needs time to figure himself out. I told him to do it by himself and not waste my time. He told me he wants me to be patient with him and he promises that he isnt wasting my time, thats its not just about sex. Then he referred to himself as a broken, rough flower that I can prune and water to my perfection and liking...I dont agree with that viewpoint. I dont think that I need to put in this much work and turn you into what I want. Shouldnt I like you for who you are? Shouldnt you be giving me all the communication, time and vulnerability I want and give too? Why must I be subjected to bullshit first before I get the man I deserve? No. I wont settle for that. I wont do it. There are plenty of other men out there and I know the mature, put-together, driven, loving man I seek is out there. I dont have to settle on someone because they like the idea of having me but still want to party and talk to more than one female at a time.

I decided that I would give him a chance until I leave Texas. I am currently making plans like I’m single because I FUCKING AM and I will not let a man keep me in a place I dont want to be if he is not sacrificing anything for me. So, I’m waiting to see if he is warming up but at the same time not stopping my progress. If I end up needing to leave and he still aint tryna do shit with me then adios senor. At this point, I feel like he’s a better friend than a boyfriend for me. He has helped me alot. He has helped me fix my credit, paid my rent (without being asked) when I was going through it with BWW, bought me toiletries and encouraged me throughout these last months about my future but there is no emotional connection. He isnt there for me emotionally and there is no passion between us. I just don’t want to be with someone that has it all but can’t be emotionally there for you and does the bare minimum to keep you around. He’s not a bad guy, I just dont think he wants me like that and I dont want to waste my time. I’m finally ready to be in love and I want to do it with someone that makes my heart dance. He just makes my heart ache.

With that being said, my plans are changing by the day but currently I have five options. The first (chronologically) is to stay with my friend who referred me to BWW. We met at PFC’s in October/November. My original plan was to get another job, not renew my lease and get a room for rent while I save for a downpayment on a car. I wanted to put all my things in storage and take my time looking around for a nicer apartment that I felt was right for me. This apartment I currently live in, I rushed into to get away from a shitty relationship and I want better for myself. That plan slightly changed because I wasnt making money and stuck between jobs. So my friend told me I could stay with her as long as I needed. I was happy but quickly decided that it was a bad idea. I got to know her more and she is all over the place and does a lot of stupid things. She’s young, constantly quitting jobs, playing guys for their money, letting stupid boys break her heart, trying any kind of drug and no realistic plan for her future. She also has a quick temper, blows things out of proportion and is reckless. She texted me one day saying that she was going to move to florida and that I could take over her lease if I wanted. Then that plan changed and she doesnt know when shes leaving and keeps changing what shes doing. Then she got fired from her job and got pregnant by a dumb boy that I kept warning her to stay away from. I decided to look into other options. Havent told her and I dont plan on it, just going to keep it moving and avoid that train-wreck of a situation.

My next option is to move into another coworkers house. She lives with her brothers and mother. Her mother travels a lot for work and currently is gone until the end of May. I would be renting out the master bedroom and bathroom for 600/month. Its a really nice, big house but I would have to leave at the end of may which is fine because I do want my own place asap. This last year living by myself has been wonderful and exactly what I’ve needed my whole life lol. I’m not afraid to live alone and sleep alone. It’s peaceful and I’ve done a lot of self-discovery. I stay organized and have all the space and quiet I need from the outside world.

My third option is to stay with a friend and her boyfriend. The have a spare bedroom, are quiet and I hangout with them every now and again. It would be nice to stay with them because I know them a little more and they are much closer to my job than my other coworker is. Also, she works at PFC’s still so sometimes we could carpool and that would save me money on lyft.

The fourth option is to stay with my older sister in Jax. She called me last night and we talked for about 4-5 hours. We always do that. We wont speak for months and then just have a whole random purge one night lol. Anyway, after I caught her up on my life, she told me that she would help me in any way she could. She would send me money and if I wanted to, I could come live with her and the kids until I get on my feet. Her saying that lifted such a huge weight off my shoulders. She always has my back and I love her so much. I really feel that I may end up tying up all my finaical loose ends here and moving back to Florida with her. I never wanted to go back to Jacksonville but sometimes you need to take a step back to be able to move forward and it’ll be nice to finally meet my niece and nephew. And I havent seen my sister since she left for the Navy. We both went through so much pain and so many changes after that...It will feel good to have her around and rebuild our bond. I miss her so much.

My last option is one that I hope to never have to do, because it brings me so much anxiety, and that is to talk to one on my aunts, on my dad’s side, and ask if I can live with them. I’m confdent that they would say yes but man...I’m not ready for all that. Theres too much baggage and unpacking I need to do before I can fully immerse myself into them. I want to eventually reunite and start creating a relationship but I know I need to do it on my own terms and from a distance for my own sanity. I’ll write more on that in it’s own entry.

Well, thats where I’m at right now. Just waiting on this coronavirus to die down and see where that leaves me. Wish me luck.

#diary

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thenameisbinx · 5 years

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Blame Monday

ive been wanting to write down this entry since tuesday but i was busy trying to regulate my thoughts. Writing has always been my point of solace where in i find peace of mind and a completely different outlet as to talking to my friends about what im going through. i’ve set to making this entry in defining my roles and the effect of them. however, i ended up realizing its too complicated to describe.

so let’s start it like this instead.

Facade - a false, superficial, or artificial appearance or effect

OK. let’s not waste anytime by letting people see who you really are. Smile for the audience and don’t show that your hurt, in pain, or depressed. Keep moving and show that you’re fine. be in everyone’s good graces. please them like a slave. adapt, change for them, plead for their acceptance. All the while, bury your thoughts of reality within you. you’ll get to that stage where youre always wanted.

Reality bites. you keep wearing a mask for too long that you forget how to be weak, to be vulnerable. i learned that word when i was seven. one of the words you learn at that age where words originating from the french language. it was along the lines of “rendezvous” words or english classes that tries to teach different sounds of words that has literal sounding letters. When the teacher told us what it means, i always thought it was acting. Facade is a character that you want to play but not in a movie, but in your life. it dawned on me that ive been doing that awhile. since i could remember. Then i keep just playing along.

Before, i would bring the sadness of my day by showing to the people that i’m ok. That it doesnt hurt. My mom pulled my hair and complained how thick it was, even if i was sitting still not wanting her to try to do my hair. called me, “worthless” and “incompetent”. instead of crying, i’d laugh and play around with some classmates the moment i get to school. Or the time that my sister made fun of how ugly i was in front of her friends, that i’m just an orphan. I just talked back and said, “Well, at least im not fat.” Then, there was this one time that my dad scolded me for trying to play in my undergarments, i wasnt naked but i was wearing a thick white top under my uniform and some thick shorts thats long enough to touch my knee under my skirt, like my friends were doing at school. i wore three layers everyday and wasnt allowed to take it off till i go home but i saw some kids doing it. took a layer off and played. i was 6. Dad dragged me out of my school yard and slapped me right in front of the guard. Don’t get me started with my brother. let’s just say, he never made me feel like im important in the family. he’s the only person that treats me like im nothing and no one until now. like my opinions didnt matter, or as if what i do doesnt have any relevance. yet, i’m the jolly one. the funny one. the energetic one. the loud one. the push over. easy definition, the masochist. Harsh but partially true.

Now, implications. still, verbal cues. like, “lazy”, or “stupid”. in the family, its more verbal but emotional responses. Mostly they cuss, or scream or yell. If i reciprocate the same but not intentionally, i still get scolded. i cant talk back because im just the help. i’m obligated to do what they want me to. Even if im tired from work. Even if i just got dumped. Even if my mind is going through some stuff.

what you dont know. i go through these every day and i don’t bring it at work or when i go out with “friends”. I’ll go to work with a smile on my face like nothing bad ever happened to my life. i’d put that big smile on my face and just laugh things out. Remember just the little good things that happened and seemingly move on, but i don’t. its slowly sinking into my chest. Subconsciously weeping like a baby, consciously aware that during a meeting i’d want to cry just because i couldnt keep it in a box. i’d clench my fist as if im waiting for my palms to bleed because it crate wasn’t chained shut. it oozes when you can’t regulate.

Obedient - submissive to the restraint or command of authority

the words “dont” and “do” are basic commands to me. any question that has “did” are immediate doubt on me or even the start of the sentence “have you” makes me quiver already. i was taught to obey a form of authority. Parents, older siblings, uncles, aunties, prefects, teachers, apparently, anyone who is older. so when someone says, “believe me” or “did you know”, i immediately am in awe. i believe them. the fun fact is stuck in my head. i pass down the knowledge or experience. There’s another word for obedience, gullible.

i was once asked by my brother to go through trash when i was a kid. because he threw something he shouldnt. i was asked to do my sister’s homework because my mom overheard her asking me to do so. i was told by my so called friends to ask people for their numbers for them for their friendship in exchange. I have reached the point that i feel guilty when im not doing what people ask me to.

imagine working. imagine dating. imagine meeting new people. i can paint a picture but it’s too painful. Subconsciously, i thought i have removed that side of me. unfortunately, reflecting on the past few days, NOPE. i thought my defensive stature in every decision ive made was and the only way to take off that obedience or gullible card. Looks like i have been. being conditioned this way from the very beginning makes it seem impossible to take off. Obedience equals to gullibility. Refusal equals to guilt.

my dad comes home drunk one time, asked me to give him his gun to point at my brother. i said no, he shook me. no one else stopped me but i obeyed. i talked to my sister’s friends once. she told me never to talk to them and beat me up till i had bruises on my stomach. i wanted to cry when one of her friends talked to me. so i ran away. i wasn’t allowed to sleep until i memorized multiplication set of 9. it was 3AM, i woke up on the bathroom toilet. my mom woke up and asked me to recite it. closed the door and told me to recite it till i said the right answers. there’s consequences if i dont follow. i took that till adulthood.

i have guilt if i don’t do what i was asked to. more guilt if i really decide not to. it consumes me till i finally give in. i feel regretful right after. then, i completely try to forget. that never happened. ever tried telling your boss no? i learned how to say no last year. i had multiple speeches dedicated to me with people saying, “Do you even know how to say no? do you even hear thank you?” i feel obligated to do what people want. i feel obligated to give what people want or need without being asked to. let’s stop there. i sound stupid.

Strength - legal, logical, or moral force; degree of potency of effect or of concentration

People see what i want them to see. Facade comes into this picture. i’m always strong. can never show my weakness. if i do, i lose. if i don’t, i lose internally. i’ve been playing the supergirl card all my life. issue is, i’m always alone. always the savior never the saved.

Superhero syndrome. ever heard that song Superman?

It may sound absurd but don't be naive Even Heroes have the right to bleed I may be disturbed but won't you concede Even Heroes have the right to dream It's not easy to be me

my whole life revolves three things; work, home, friends. i always wanted to be alone, but i don’t survive it much. never felt wanted anywhere, even if its family or friends. then, work came. loved it because it was the only place the NEEDED me. but seems that i wear my cape there everyday. to the point that i couldnt be clark kent there either. always strong, never vulnerable.

been saying lately, im tired of being strong. then Monday came. That’s that for strength, it’s pretty self explanatory on my side. it’s too literal of a section so i hope this would suffice. for the last of the entry.

Tired - drained of strength and energy

Trigger : work

Action : Resignation

Symptoms : Nausea, shaking hands and knees, vomiting, clouded vision, crying, Lack of sleep, loss of appetite, lack of motivation, heavy breathing, sleep paralysis, sleep apnea

Diagnosis : Unknown

Working Impression : Panic Anxiety Disorder

i’ve defined some of my roles. a glimpse of my mind and soul but to the people i’ll be send a link of this too, i bet you only know some. some, would even say they never knew. you know, i dont share my feeling or these heavy stories. seemed irrelevant. one time, 1st grade. i shared a problem about the family to a friend. This ‘friend’ made it seem too petty to the point i avoided sharing problems since then. i feel like any problem i have has no value to others. so i keep it in. just me. maybe a few blank pages. some ink. mostly tears. by myself. on my own.

when i feel bad, or depressed when i was a kid. i would cry faintly inside my closet. come out after an hour or two. wiping tears of my face. i got caught once, by my dad. i just said, nope i was just checking my closet. i acted as if what he said before that point was ok. i step out when i feel weird and want to cry. ive learned how to cry heavily without showing an expression or even in a quiet manner. Congrats to me, i brought that till adulthood.

Until Monday. i tried to put up my mask. but couldnt. i tried to be strong. but couldnt. i tried to obey. but couldnt. i remember asking my boss recently, can i be selfish? all my walls broke down in one day. all my optimism. my positivity. and i thought that i can do it. what people saw of me, they couldnt recognize me.

i showed me. the weak one. couldnt even get myself to fake it. fake being strong, fake happiness, no mask. i couldnt even try. i was just done. even basing on what ive written on this entry, getting tired wouldnt be an option just yet. i didnt even talk about love or difficulties. i only got to write down instances. i was just done pretending.

since that day, i couldnt regulate. i associated almost everything and get anxious about everything. seeing the exit to my work makes me tense. walking to the building tightens my chest. getting inside makes me palpitate. claustrophobic. i dont usually breathe heavy but the doctor said breathing exercises would help. SOMETIMES it does. but not everytime.

it took years to learn how to regulate these thoughts that i experience daily and i feel like i have to go through two decades again to learn how. i didnt lose myself, thats for sure. but i feel like im not strong enough to stay in one place anymore. to have the same people in my life anymore. i want to leave. i want to disappear.

you know what i did after i broke down on my boss? i sat in a Starbucks branch in Molito. and starred out the window for two hours. spaced out. even my friends knew i dont do that. i felt like i died and im just the undead walking around doing my daily routine.

why am i writing this? it’s 2:35AM. nearly sleepy by the way. i’m writing this for me to realize something. i already just did. i just realized that what people knew of me, wasn’t me. what you see and experience of me now, is the true me and i dont like it. i want to be wild binx on good days. bea when im home. bianca when im at work. looks like i can’t be that for a while.

to those im sending this link to, i hope you read the whole thing. so you really know where i’m at. youre worried or concerned yea? well, here i am. here it is. i’m sorry im dumping my indifference this way. i’m sorry that im burdening you of my petty problems. i’m sorry i cant be myself. i’m sorry i cant be that person you knew.

blame Monday.

#anxitey #define me #monday #mental breakdown

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alexdmorgan30 · 5 years

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How I Came To "Believe” In Safe Injection Sites

So last night I’m at a town hall event on drug addiction and someone mentions safe injection sites in the audience. My heart begins to pound from having my hand up and hoping to get called on, so I can ask about this, among other topics. The panel looks around at each other trying to see who will bite first, as it's clearly a controversial topic. Finally, the one “token recovery guy” speaks up, “You know, studies are positive, but people are very opposed to the idea, and the last time we had a discussion about it a fight nearly broke out.”And so, I wanted to get up. And I wanted to have that fight. But I was taught to cease fighting anything and anyone. What about fighting substance use disorder? I thought my disease was doing pushups? Certainly, this disease is wreaking havoc across our country, especially with the younger generations, and what are we, as a community, prepared to do about it? Who is fighting on the front lines? While communities claim “not in my backyard” absolution, so do the “anonymous people” who are in recovery in this country. They are told to have no opinion on outside issues. But, to me, this isn’t an outside issue, because the part of me that understands service is the backbone of my recovery, demands something other than pretending that there aren’t options available to people still suffering. Thankfully, I have met many who are rank and file generals in this fight, however compared to the #’s we could have, it is disappointing, and makes creating change in our communities even more difficult. Clearly, safe injection options are not a solution, but saying “he or she must not have wanted it enough” when they drop out of the only pathway we are offering, which for mainstream recovery is a 12-step program, is an even less valid answer. 12-step can be successful, alongside other treatment modalities, but it is often seen as “the” solution and not “a” solution.And what about statistics? Research shows that overdose rates decrease around the area of the safe injection site. If this statistic alone isn’t a good enough reason to support them how about that the rate of people who were entering treatment in those areas increased? Look, don’t get me wrong, I was once on the other side of this conversation. I had a lot of misguided beliefs before I entered recovery. I once thought when I was 16 and my drinking career had just begun, that if I could get my dad to give me driving lessons while I was drinking, I wouldn’t have a drinking and driving problem!Clearly being open-minded that my own thinking could be wrong is an important aspect of recovery, and so while I was made to think I should be open-minded about the program, I was indoctrinated to believe recovery was a static black-and-white thing, and that I was a miracle because I didn’t use, and while this may be true, it also underlined another assumption, that those who didn’t make it were not entitled to these miracles. The idea that there is a level of participation required for someone to enter recovery is not lost on me, but the fact of the matter is, more and more people, especially those from the younger generations, are struggling to find their way in recovery and our answer to the staggering overdose and relapse rates is “they must not have been ready.” So now what? What do we do with people who aren’t ready? Tell them to go out and give their substances another try? Drugs which could easily kill them in one shot? In my mind, if someone is not ready for abstinence-based recovery it isn’t that they have failed, it’s that they may not have reached that point yet, they may never reach that point, and who are we to say what that should look like. There are many people who reach a significant “bottom,” only to find themselves using again. Can anyone say, who is honest with themselves, that a “bottom” is what creates recovery? Surely it can help, but there are many who hit that point and beyond, and for those people, while their lives continue to crumble around them, what is available?To me, this is why we need to offer as many solutions to this problem as we can. Not offering alternative methods like safe injection sites, or medically assisted treatment, is like saying to someone who has diabetes they can’t go to the hospital for support, or shouldn’t have to take insulin, they should just use their higher power, and if they can’t clearly, they don’t want to be healthy enough.Change is possible without necessarily being at a point of relying on grace only. While I believe in grace and have my own stance on faith, I believe this “coveted” winners circle of recovery is an issue and is not saving lives, especially amongst young people.Do I believe willingness is an important key to recovery? Certainly, yet how many of us become willing along our path of using? So why would we not want to create opportunities for the people who are using, to not only stay alive, but be near recovery support services? When someone has a reoccurrence of use, do we no longer consider them in recovery? Therefore, by that logic, anyone who is in active use has the potential to effect this same change in their lives. Hospitals, fire houses, police stations, med express, anywhere, anytime someone wants out of the cycle, it should be as easy as getting a flu shot. It is that easy to get high or drunk.Finding drugs is way easier than finding recovery, unfortunately, we don’t seem to be making much headway on that stat. It shouldn’t be so difficult to get help, and yet it is. Clearly, we have quite a way to go, and so while we stand at the frontlines arguing for much-needed treatment options, housing options, peer support options for people in early recovery, we need to also keep our eye on how we can affect those who haven’t gotten to that point yet. So, I didn’t get up and fight at the town hall meeting, because I know that the only way change will be affected is if compassion and reason win over misunderstanding and hatred. The only way we can win, and by we, I mean the parents who lost children to overdoses, and by we, I mean the advocates who mentor peers who end up overdosed in alley ways, and never make it home to their families, is if we can convince society that shaming people is not working and giving them opportunities for change are the best ideas we have currently. I understand clearly that this option is seen as enabling to some. That we are encouraging people to use by providing needles and a safe place to go. The concept is not lost on me, but current models are not working. Prevention talks often fall on deaf ears, and while it doesn’t mean we shouldn’t continue to try to reach people, it does mean we need to get real about whether we are doing all we can do to help prevent overdose deaths in this country. If someone who is opposed has a better idea of how we can get the people in our communities, who are using illicit substances, out of the shadows and into the light where we can see them and help them, please by all means share it. To me the big bad wolf in this situation is that we would have to admit as a community, that people in our community, have heroin problems. We don’t like to admit that, and unfortunately it's killing people. I would argue that whatever motives you have for being opposed to this option, check them against the idea that centralizing use as best as possible helps to a.) measure your community and its needs, b.) provide safety and support to a vulnerable part of the population c.) encourage the next step for people to move on with their lives and d.) minimize the risk to police and health care workers responding to overdoses. One of these reasons alone in my mind is enough to at least give it a try. Saving just one life means so much, especially if it is your child, your brother, your sister or your parent. Sharing this pain with too many people in too short of a time period is how I came to believe in safe Injection sites. Erik Beresnoy is a father, advocate, and a writer on topics that range from recovery, and spirituality to music and philosophy. Erik has been an active member of the recovery movement since 2008, when he himself entered recovery, and began to not only repair his life but to also seek help repair his community by working to implement new strategies. His current projects include Empowerment Coaching for the Ammon Foundation, and implementing a transformational program in NYC called Dare to Dream for Synergy Education. He is a certified recovery coach as well as a board member for Rockland Recovery Homes. His other works can be viewed at soberspiritmeditation.com.

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 http://bit.ly/2Dc0qgz

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emlydunstan · 5 years

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How I Came To "Believe” In Safe Injection Sites

from RSSMix.com Mix ID 8241841 https://www.thefix.com/how-i-came-believe-safe-injection-sites

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pitz182 · 5 years

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How I Came To "Believe” In Safe Injection Sites

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