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gayspock · 1 year

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OK SOMEEEE gripes

im ACTUALLY extremely conflicted on some of the present day stuff and i think its mostly down to the characters

like im very happy with jeff, and i think he's fine as is - brilliant, even, bc hes a genuinely refreshing take imo as opposed to what they could have easily done (i.e unlikable, distant from it all husband). not that he would be CRAZY or unreasonable to resent shauna, but like... its just fucking so much funnier + more interesting to me to see a character kind of just go with it, rather than to have them stew in angst. like i think its more interesting and allows for them to explore different beats than what you'd assume they would if you'd just known the basics of what shauna was up to. imo

similarly i was happy with adam as a character, too, and i think they developed him well enough for who he was and how he functions in this story. im glad he didnt turn out to be javi (if he was, i guess, bc he still could be technically that kinda suck wway more now tbh booo) and whilst there was nooo way he was gonna survive if he was just some guy which he was

theres also guys like kevyn. my jokes aside abt how scary he is im kinda fine with him, and i do actually makes some kinda sense that hes a cop + that he's now so straight-laced. some loser divorced dad. and it'd be a good comparison to natalie, and the lifestyle she lives now and how their paths diverged. however i kind of wish they'd... just let him go? like i wish he'd been at the reunion, and they'dhad that exchanged and then he'd just walked away to his wife and kids and her back to the yellowjackets no return no return no return huh what was that YEHA. my point is. i feel like there's no true resolution between them two thats organic and it just kinda feels weird to keep him around past that. i know they need a cop character for whats happening with shauna now but it just feels kinda ... bizarre to have him playing that role with that creep dude. bc whilst i do prefer limited characters in a show like this and to keep it tight and clean it just feels weird for it to be him and for it to be THAT insular AND, again, for him to keep sticking around when i dont feel like theres anywhere for him to go.... like its kinda DIFFERENT with the other cop dude, bc he isnt pre-established and he does kinda just function moreso as just. a fucking yuckhead fuckhead but instead its just this weird uhhhh. and kevyn is back! um. he will continue serving this purpose and we will never touch on him and natalie again. bc we shouldnt ofc but it also feels weird to have him there without ever mentioning it LOL

who else. fuck. like i am also very conflicted abt tai's wife and son like.... they do just feel a bit like- theyre just there? and i think that DEFINITELY makes some sort of narrative sense with tai, and with her whole deal- she has it all, she has everything but she has nothinnggg but... IDK KINDA SAD MAN. bc its weird i'll go back to this with jeff and callie, but it does make SENSE that the non-yellowjackets characters are always gonna be secondary with the story theyre telling in more ways than them just being secondary characters but with how fucking impossible it is to reconnect with fucking ANYONE after everything they did/went through BUT ITS LIKE... like i said i kinda like jeff and ironically his absolute lack of personality became a personality, whereas with simone&sammy i feel like theyre just kinda... SUPER functioning and that does kinda make me worry because whilst i know a lot of ppl are yelling for tai/van endgame... i dont know it feels weird to write them off fuckin completely which is what i feel like the show might kinda lean into at some point...😭like i want more for them, and from them. and i also sorry i also hate fucking "scary child who sees the supernatural" trope SORRYYYY its so tired to me and so lazy . give this kid some proper fucking development

and i think its also another issue im having with the present day stuff. theres too many characters rn and its being misspent. like do not get me wrong im not against quirky elijah wood BUT i feel like misty's ENTIRE. FUCKING. ARC. RIGHT. NOW. would be so much more fucking effective if she was alone and tracking down natalie by herself and kinda struggling with that. OR if they kept up her rapport with jessica- like have her tag along, whether it'd be under the guise of a fixer or not, and maybe have her cause some tension bc again if eel like.. ITS SO MUCH WEIRDER just having jessica's entire stint just come to an end in the way it did and it would have been a much more solid throughline into s2 than to bring in elijah wood whos just genderbent misty and its like . ok its just nott.... INTERESTING TO ME... SO WHAT. SHES FOUND A GUY LIKE HER? WHO CARES MAN. IM SAYING THIS AS A LITTLE FREAK WHO CANT CONNECT WITH OTHERS & YEARNS FOR KINSHIP, LIKE... I JUST FEEL LIKE ITS KINDA BACKWARDS AND REGRESSIVE AND NOTHINGGGG. jessica was a much weirder fucking dynamic and i think could have been interesting and i do think theres ways they could have had them both pursue natalie but now its just... ehhhhhh like

and i also feel like elijah wood is kinda bringing up the comedic parts of misty's story and dont get me wrong i LOVED a lot of the dark humour bits from her in s1 but i feel likw now its kinda getting too close to just. that. kinda like just oh funny joke funny dark humour. and losing a lot of the substance it should have, which is kinda necessary to the humour itself....AND he's sort of stealing her limelight like WHO CARES. GO AWAY DUUDE. have confidence in misty to be able to CARRY this shit, cmon, bc no offence elijah but SHE WAS WAY BETTER AT IT! bc thats whats so GOOD ABOUT THE SHOW OTHERWISE- you have the confidence to let all these girlies to carry their plotlines by themselves, so dont slip!!! GET BACK UP. and again im saying with the too many characters thing- its just... ehrhh. who cares to spend so much time on him??? whos just out of nowhere when its like.. again i'd prefer it if you spent that time with taissa or with .....

CALLIE. SHHES PROBABLY THE PERSON IM THE MOST CONFLICTED ON IN THE WORLD. bc in so many ways again i feel like we cant focus on her too much in shauna's little life that shes made for herself but I JUST... I CANT HELP BUT FEEL LIKE WE'RE IN THE MOST UNCOMFORTABLE SPOT IMAGINABLE WITH CALLIE, wherein we dont get enough of her and her side to really empathise with her but we get too much of her to find her on the wrong side of irritating-AND THAT. SUCKS. THATS THE WORST. EVER. BECAUSE SHES LITERALLY A TEENAGE GIRL. I FEEL LIKE THERES SO MUCH MORE THEY COULD DO WITH THE RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN SHAUNA/CALLIE IF THEY PUSHED FOR IT MORE, BUT ITS JUST... again its in this such an awkwwaarddd position where they only bring her in to be difficult it feels like. and the thing is? shes being reasonable. MORE than. shes totally justified in all the shit shes doing. but bc of the unfortunate way its framed she comes off as...... sadly.... unlikable which . again AGAIN IT SUCKS. BECAUSE SHES A TEENAGE GIRL AND THIS FEELS LIKE THE FIRST SHOW IN A LONG TIME TO HAVE A CAST FULL OF UNLIKABLE FUCKING TEENAGE GIRLS BE THE BEST EVERRRRRR AND SHE COULD BE SO GOOD MAN SHE COULD BE SUCH A GOOD WAY FOR SHAUNA TO LOOK INTO THE PAST BUTEE..... they kinda just write her off too and bring her up to cause complications obly. thats all it is. and i dont know i do get it i dooo get it bc again it makes SENSE with shauna and who she is and where her life is that the presentation would thereforebe kinda more her perspective but also... i do just feel... ITCHES. LIKE IM CLAWING AT THE WALL

ok last thing maybe idk. idk how i feel about lottie at all. its strange. i felt like she..... was kinda not present enough in s1. does that make sense ever at all. i wish we had more from her and her whole visions thing, and she had as much focus in the past as the others did from the very beginning. bc i feel like in s1... we didnt see enough of her in that regard? like we got her- we got bits of her. but not enough of her-her. bc im fine with her kinda story on paper (ish) and how its playing out but i t does feel weirdly unba;anced across s1 / s2. and its throwing me a bit there

#Egg.txt #yellowjackets liveblog

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blookmallow · 3 years

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hi i binged through all of salad fingers for the first time in like 8 years and im fixating again here are. My Theories. pls talk to me if anyone else has Thoughts or wants to discuss things. this is really long i am sorry :’ )

also shout out to the salad fingers wiki for helping me keep track of details and also for this

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thought: salad fingers is not violent on purpose he did not mean to kill that kid

this is less a theory and more “if you slander my boy with accusations i will Get you” but listen. i see people going “but he mURDERED A CHILD!!” because of the oven incident but listen. listen to me. he didnt mean to and cannot be held to the same standard of morality and understanding consequences as a. person who isn’t..... in whatever situation and mental state he has going on

- yes, the kid getting trapped in the oven was his fault. but it was not intentional or malicious and i sincerely doubt he understands what happened or why.

he was asking for help reaching the fish (there’s no reason to believe he wasn’t just genuinely asking for help. he tears up in gratitude. theres no evidence of him Tricking People Maliciously in any other context i do not believe he would do that) and was distracted by the rusty nail, causing him to let go of the door. it wasn’t “he cares more about rust than about a child’s life” or something, i dont think he can actually hold “hey look at that i gotta check that out” and “i need to hold the door open so the child doesn’t get hurt” in his head at the same time, rust is his favorite stim/an impulse thing that takes over everything else and his perception of reality and the things going on around him changes very quickly and easily. more on that later. but the important point here is it wasn’t a malicious plot, or a neglectful careless action, he literally did not realize letting go of the door would cause harm

he stabbed himself accidentally with the nail and passed out for a while (the fact that he immediately bled that much is concerning too, he probably has hemophilia which is. a medical condition outside of his control, as well) and after all that he had completely forgotten about the child altogether (and says “i must have dozed off” so he doesn’t even understand he passed out. and might not remember the nail thing in the first place)

we don’t see what happened after this, we don’t know how he responds when he investigates the fish and inevitably finds an unexpected charred corpse in there, but i guarantee he won’t remember why its in there or understand that its a corpse. we dont see it again so its. entirely possible he didnt recognize it as a person and either just disposed of it or, uh, ate it. but if he did, it wasn’t with the knowledge and comprehension of it being A Corpse or the memory of how it got there

theory: on salad fingers and memory / comprehension of death and consequences

more on that subject

- we see him frequently doing things and then immediately forgetting he did it or forgetting what was happening. he accidentally squishes the bug (which also was not malicious or intentional, he intended to pet it but just. went too hard) and has no understanding either that its dead, or that he killed it. she has gone flat and gooey for some unknown reason. that’s strange. she needs to go have a wash, that’s no way to be.

he eats the jeremy fisher puppet at one point and then immediately goes “where have you gotten to??”

he even briefly forgets hubert cumberdale’s name and immediately comes up with another one without realizing it, and then later goes back to hubert cumberdale again with no mention of barbara logan-price

he refers to the same little yellow guy as “young child” and also Auntie Bainbridge later on. he keeps up the fantasy of... whatever the fuck yvonne was being his child for a pretty long time but then when he arrives at “auntie bainbridge” ‘s house he suddenly forgets why he’s there, and even apparently forgets what yvonne is and uses ‘her’ as a window rag instead and never mentions it again (I also don’t think she was in the sandwich at the end either. it’s hard to see but the sandwich contents are vaguely brown and theres a visible lump in the black goo behind him. i like the idea that the lil yellow guy made the sandwich for him)

salad fingers is constantly subconsciously adjusting his reality to fit Whatever Makes The Most Sense At The Time and does not consistently remember things (sometimes even major things. he remembers his puppets the most consistently and still even forgets hubert’s name) or have a concept of cause and effect

i think he possibly has some sense of recognition, “I’ve seen this person before,” but doesn’t always remember Why he knows them, and his mind just automatically fills in the blank with whatever makes sense to him. he doesn’t remember who the yellow guy is, but knows he knows them Somehow, so, ah, of course, it must be auntie bainbridge out for her sunday stroll :) and he knows he’s there for a reason, but not what that reason was, so he decides it must be time to clean the windows

- milford cubicle was already dead when salad fingers opens the door, but he has no idea that hes dead. this isn’t even a cause for concern. my, he must be tired, that’s all. he kept milford there until he rotted away, too, so there was never a point where he realized anything was wrong (until he became skeleton. more on That later too)

- he finds a corpse buried in the yard and rather than confronting the confusing and alarming reality of that situation, why it must be kenneth, back from the great war! at no point does he understand kenneth is definitely dead

theory: kenneth vs glass brother

i think he really did have a brother named kenneth who probably died in the war. could be some subconscious connection between “recognizing” a corpse as his brother, but i dont think he realizes any of that. i think the glass family is probably a trauma based hallucination, but a... well, reflection. pun not exactly intended lmao. on how his real family was and how they treated him

i dont think glass brother is the same brother as kenneth, since salad fingers interacts with them completely differently

kenneth is a corpse that salad fingers projects a personality on and speaks for, while glass brother seems independent and malicious toward him. i think he had a good relationship with kenneth (so, when salad fingers imagines that he’s here, it’s cause for celebration and he’s projecting onto something inert and “safe”) and also had another brother (who was probably his twin) who bullied him and acted violently, so when that trauma resurfaces, he hallucinates a vicious Other that he cannot control or speak for.

it also tracks that the abusive brother was his twin - he sees himself reflected in the mirror, and something in his own face reminds him of that lost brother until it “becomes” him

he refers to kenneth as his younger brother, and sees him as a being that does not look like him, while glass brother is literally his reflection, so it would make sense if he had one identical twin and one younger brother

ive seen theories that he had a real sister named bordois too, but i think him calling the bug “little sister” was just. a term of endearment or one of his little odd language quirks, he seemed to be talking to it more like a pet than like a sibling

theory: regarding mable

- ok people are saying salad fingers killed mable at the picnic but i Really Don’t Think He Did

we never see him acting out violently when he gets scared. he tends to try to escape situations that stress him out, he shrinks, he cries, he goes into his cupboard (which is. incredibly upsetting given the fact he was almost definitely abused by his family)

he takes on a kind of Authoritative Tone often, he gets sort of ruffled up and disdainful toward things, but that’s not what he does when he’s scared

when he’s actually distressed (rather than irritated) he tends to break down and retreat. this includes when other independent beings act in ways that unsettle and upset him

so i dont know where the “he freaked out and killed her” idea is coming from. he suddenly goes from outside at the picnic to having a breakdown in his house so. he most likely just ran

i think the Only time we see him act out violently is when he decides he has to punish marjory for not getting a haircut like he asked - he tears her hair out, but for me that scene was particularly concerning because it was so unlike him. that was an anger response, not a fear response, though, and he tends to be harsher toward things that he’s actually controlling (I don’t think we ever see him decide to Discipline something that was independent from him other than the horses, and he didnt hurt them)

ordinarily when something irritates him he just goes “hmph! so distasteful. how rude. i shan’t have this behavior, you know” but doesn’t really actually do anything about it, and moves on

anyway we never see mable again so i think either he freaked out and ran away and she just didn’t come back, or he scared her and she ran away, or both

there’s a dress visible briefly when salad fingers is making his Flesh Boy which could be mable’s (he did comment he liked it) but it’s not 100% clear, and that doesn’t necessarily mean he KILLED her for it. she could have changed into something else and left it somewhere and he found it. she could have died under unrelated circumstances, and salad fingers found her - he doesn’t comprehend death, so. probably he decided they’ve made amends now and she’s given him her dress as a token of friendship, or something

i dont think it really looks that significantly like hers but the fact that it stands out so distinctly from the rest of the Pile could mean something

but i just feel like if he had killed her we would’ve seen her corpse again, he doesn’t have a concept of murder, or death at all, or consequences, and his memory doesn’t hold out that consistently, so if he killed her, he probably would have calmed down later and then forgotten what he did and came up with a new way to explain the corpse in front of him - oh, how rude of me, mable’s here dozing right off and i havent even offered her a blanket. let’s get you to bed

like, he probably would have dragged her home with him, with the intention of being a good friend/host to his guest, not understanding what happened. he kept milford cubicle around a really long time

it wouldn’t be like him to have any concept of hiding the evidence

speaking of milford

theory: regarding milford cubicle

salad fingers keeps milford’s corpse around until it starts rotting, and then after a very confusing series of events, the corpse is suddenly a skeleton, which surprisingly alarms salad fingers considerably, and then he goes out to find a whole bunch of himselves eating various bits of gore. they give him a present, which is a hat very clearly made of milford’s skin

my conclusion: salad fingers, in some kind of dissociative fugue state, skinned and ate the remains of milford cubicle himself and turned the remaining skin into a hat. he also saves some of it to make hubert cumberdale (the real boy) later as well, probably forgetting where it came from. he does not realize he’s done this or remember doing it, so his scrambled mind tries to make sense of it with other selves eating unknown flesh, and a lovely hat appearing (which he doesn’t seem to notice is made of flesh)

you can also see milford’s original name tag in the drawer later on when he’s building the flesh boy, so. he kept that after the mysterious disappearance of milford’s flesh, apparently. more evidence that that skin is probably also his

some other scattered thoughts regarding the most recent string of episodes and salad fingers’ mental state:

ive been trying to figure out what the fuckhell happened with the yvonne incident and everything that happened in the birthday episode

im really concerned for salad fingers’ health and mental state, as it seems to be deteriorating

some yvonne theories ive seen:

1. he ate the burned corpse of the kid who died in the oven, and it made him very sick, which ultimately resulted in a charred mass he couldn’t digest - he steadily gets worse, until his body finally ejects it (yvonne’s “birth”) and after that his health starts to recover again. since the oven incident happens really early on, all the times he mentions his stomach being upset after that until he becomes deathly ill would make sense, so i think this is plausible

2. the hair he found in the cupboard was actually a parasitic worm that grew in his stomach after he ate it and became yvonne. i think this is Possible, it is a really strangely wormy looking hair, but it doesn’t move and he mentions stomach pains before this, so it seems less likely to me

3. i also saw the concept that salad fingers is a trans man who suffered a miscarriage at some point in his past and yvonne represents that, and i can definitely see where the idea is coming from but i do think something really physically happened to him in the present time, i dont think it was all a trauma-based hallucination, since the yellow guy reacts to the black ooze and something was definitely making him severely ill

so. i Don’t Know what the fuck that was about but i think the burnt corpse theory makes the most sense

on that note: there’s a lot of cannibalism imagery in salad fingers

we have no IDEA where he’s getting food from. im pretty sure its been confirmed that he is Not a zombie, we see him bleed, pass out, sleep, etc so it seems like he must be a living person who has ordinary needs. but we see him eat... his own puppets. hairs. sand. the soup glass mother instructed him to make, which made him very sick. he has a working oven but doesn’t seem to have consistent access to water. he had a fish somehow but who knows where it came from. it’s very likely he doesn’t get food often and some of his hallucinations and mood swings could be caused by starvation (and when he does eat, it’s things that are outright inedible or probably not good for him)

the burned corpse disappears and is never mentioned again (though salad fingers is very sick afterward). milford’s flesh disappears and salad fingers violently hallucinates multiple selves gorging themselves on unknown flesh

and what concerns me the most about that is that he loses a lot of time in that episode

he passes out in the woods and when he wakes up, it looks like a shit ton of time has passed

we don’t know how much is reality and how much is his warped perception, but it looks like a tree has grown and his physical condition has deteriorated

he looks really, really unhealthy and haggard for the rest of the episode

i think he had a huge dissociative episode and lost possibly weeks of time, probably due to starvation, and he ate milford cubicle and very possibly other people as well

so my question is. how often does this happen to him

and what happens to him during that state? does he become violent and dangerous without being aware of it when he returns to himself again? or has he just been ravenously scavenging corpses when he gets desperate enough?

its possible dr papanak is another personality he has, one that’s “buried out in the woods” that he becomes when he’s in a really, really bad mental and physical state

he looks much better in the next episode (though that’s also when he has his outburst with marjory. could be that he’s still staving off the violent urges/hasn’t fully come back to himself after the last incident) and I’m really hoping the fact that he was able to finally stand up to his family (at least in some sense) and smash the mirrors could mean he’s making steps toward recovery after whatever the hell all that was

there’s not really much space to do anything with his life or get much help given the circumstances but watching him slowly losing himself even more is Awful :(

i hope we get more episodes im so desperate for more information now

lastly, some random observations

i tried to read this newspaper and it looks like it’s actually written in french, which is interesting given that salad fingers seems to be british (but fond of france, and seems to speak french or at least knows one phrase)

i wonder where he got this, or whether it ever meant something significant to him

theres a lot of evidence that he can’t read (takes no notice of the “harry” nametag and immediately names him something else, “reads” a letter that is actually a newspaper clipping in another language he’s holding upside down, “writes” a letter that is just scribbles) so i dont think he learned his one french phrase from this or anything but, still. vaguely interesting. maybe he has been to france before and brought this back with him for some reason. maybe he’s actually in post apocalyptic france and was just originally from england. We Don’t Know

theres a weird little face in the. heater? whatever that is in the background for a second and i dont like it

salad fingers leaves horace in charge, but then sees him (as a live horse) in the woods, but then comes back to find him both still on the shelf (as a toy) and in the room (as a live horse, now with his, uh, surgery scars) but doesn’t seem to notice this and doesn’t comment on it

i dont know what the hell that means other than possibly his reality is even less consistent and logical than usual/a reflection on his mental state deteriorating

#salad fingers #pinned #media analysis

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leafcabbage · 2 years

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hi hello very cool tumblr user leafcabbage. i sent an ask a few days ago abt starting your fic i dont remember if i was on anon but if i was then thats me!

anyways bc i'm clinically insane i finished binge reading ycssgwtlfs this afternoon and haven't been able to stop thinking about it actually!! sometimes the it gets worse before it gets better trope isn't my cuppa but you definitely made it work so well if not for the SHEER amount of hurt no comfort liiiiikeeeee omg omg omg omg that series of chapters where ranboo was just slowly losing their grip was just so exhausting to read (shals pos so slash pos!! i mean that like it very deeply emotionally affected me!!) and i am so here for it because it made the comfort at the end so so worth it. very excited to continue w the next parts :D

i also loved the little moments scattered throughout. i want to see so much more of techno and wilbur's relationship because that is really fascinating to me. i could read a whole other fic about that actually they have a great dynamic also bc we saw both their biggest flaws come to the forefront when trying to help ranboo. its just interesting. and!!!!! woah?! whats up with big q and techno?!! intrigue moment!!!!

and even though dream was a piece of shit (btw you wrote the gaslighting SO WELL that is exactly what it feels like. i was genuinely nervous everytime i read his name because we don't know whether ranboo was gonna get manipulated until he started talking. i thought it was a great detail that dream's mood was always the first thing we learned in every scene's narration because ranboo had to walk on eggshells with him. GOOD SHIT!!!! GOOD SHIT!!!!!!!!!) i rlly hope he gets out of that clearly toxic family eventually. how dare you make me empathize with him >:[

and purpled my beloved...... idk i just liked his and ranboo's dynamic. it was cute and i really liked seeing him and punz at the end. he is in the bathroom a lot. hope the guy is doin okay. i took that uquiz you made bfore i started reading the fic and i got him, so i am just attached ig oopsies. also tubbo and tommy's roomie was such a good moment it was genuinely really wholesome and is like my new favorite long build up joke ever :D

(also ahhh sorry if its annoying that i'm sending this in ask form instead of just commenting, especially since its kinda long!!!!!! but my eyes hurt from staring at the ol screen, tumblr interface is just a lot less headachy lol, thanks for writing such a wonderful fic and i hope youre having an awesome day!)

ahh this made me so happy!!! dont worry about sending it in ask form, i love seeing the little blue dot that means i have an ask, its very exciting. this did genuinely jumpscare me (in a funny way), which sound so dumb but i open the ask box and saw a long ask and went "woah!!" and genuinely actually jumped. thought you might enjoy learning that.

long answer so

i really really work hard on making the hurt worth it for the comfort, and having enough time to have that comfort and recovery. i think it helps that im writing a full series so if something wasnt dealt with in ycssg, i have quite a few more fics to deal with it and create closure. but im glad it was worth it! and it got tiring for me writing those chapters to be honest, it draws out just a little long and that was on purpose. it doesnt end at the perfect time, like in an ideal world ranboo would have accepted help at thanksgiving and that would be the beginning of things getting better, but thats not how life works. ranboo did not willingly seek out help, and thats an important part of the story. they accepted help because they were convinced they were literally dying and didnt know what else to do. and then they were somewhat reliant on tommy and tubbo, and if that hadn't been the case things wouldn't have ended up where they were.

sorry im now just talking about my own fic, that was all to say thank you ajshdlfk

thank you with the relationship comment too! i really wanted to make it clear that everyone has a life outside of the bench trio too, so in my head they have semi fleshed out stories and lives. especially dream. theyre all real people (or as real as fake people can be) not just props

dream was such a complex character to write, and he continues to be, and i love writing him so fucking much. he's ranboo's antagonist but he isnt evil and inherently awful, he has his own life and his own problems (which doesnt make what he did to ranboo ok at all, but thats just to say that hes a person out side of it) and im glad the emotions in his scenes came through so clearly!

purpled has ibs thats canon and its because i have ibs and i thought it would be funny. love the guy, really. hes one of my favorite side characters. i love him and im glad you like him too he deserves to be liked. IM GLAD YOU LIKED THE ROOMIE i have this ongoing joke with myself that he was fridged but in like a moving out kind of way. he was uhauled. hes my favorite NPC <3

im glad you enjoyed ycssg so much!! and i hope you enjoy the next fics too!!! this ask made me smile very much so thank you for that!!

#no proof read so probs typos #cabbage answers #frogs-in3-hills

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getallemeralds · 3 years

Text

explorers of arvus: the heart of arvus / 3.3.21

short session today! nyx was getting his hair done for like 5 hours and its now 9 pm and i am very tired and want to sleep but i will power through it for taure's sake

oh yeah btw this is the session where taure is gonna not. taure is gonna go on vacation and pet puppies and i am going to lie facedown in a ditch

LAST TIME WITH THE WYLD KNIGHT-- wait no. yes, michael did in fact mix up the names of the 2 groups LAST TIME WITH THE HOPE'S GUARD we are on a rock! in the sky! i dont remember who went up and who didnt. oh i dont think any of us went up i think we just threw kaepora in there

oh the elf is a liar there is TOTALLY enough room for all of us to vibe up there.

i have straight up not been posting any of my notes to tumblr. i should do that after this. hrm [ AND THEN I DIDNT ]

OH HEY last session was 2.2 and today is 3.3 thats really cool. i swear im awake and paying attention

ELF REMINDS TAURE OF HOUSE ROTHAAL which is the house of friendly elves we helped in artevon! her name iiiiis Velna i think! time for wine mom taure. hey why does f.lux disable when i open discord. weait no it doesnt im just mildly insane tonight

silje has learned cloning

@ future leos I AM SO FUCKING SORRY this is a horrible disaster ball of leo+ica+k and we are Not Awake and i am. struggling.

oh hey a feedback failed in blaseball. poor NaN. URGH OKAY LEOS FOCUS FOCUS FOCUS these are going to be the worst notes ever

[charlie voice] pog-gers! velna's been staying in the heart of arvus studying history stuff! shes been trying to restore & translate things OH TIME FOR THORNE TO SHINE silje has entered silly mode. this cat loves books HEY WHY DOES VELNA HAVE TORTURE INSTRUMENTS? I SPACED OUT FOR A HOT SEC theres like. a cage with blood in it. blood cage

oh my god im struggling so much. are we dying yet okay no we're not dying yet, but the water dripping from the tree roots is Super poisoned

charlie found a hidden chamber w a teleportation spell circle in it! hooray i am accomplishing things

detect poison can apparently detect how good wine is (it cant) we're drinking incredible wine out of the fantasy equivalent of shitty dollar store mugs

OH HER NAME IS VALNA. Valna Rothaal! shes been on arvus for 16 years. waow

if charlie isnt doing anything in a scene shes gonna just be default dancing. im sorry. i just have the :cope: emoji on loop in a tiny corner of my brain

[ this is what :cope: is ]

PEPPER IS HERE pepper is gone. goodbye pepper

thorne is rolling to infodump THORNE HAS FINALLY ROLLED A NAT1 ON THE INFODUMP THORNE IS TALKING ABOUT BLASEBALL? thorne is really excited to talk about blaseball, the hit sport from the feywild

...VALNA'S BEEN RAISING UNDEAD? huh. she says halvkar lost control of the undSH'ES LEARNING FROM HALVBKAR? HALVKAR IS HER TEACHEWR? SCREAMINGG charlie: i cant fuckin believe this shit, my dudes.

NOOOO SILJE IS GONNA CRYYYYYYYYYY HE THOUGHT HE WAS GONNA HAVE A GOOD DAY

taure: [gets angsty] charlie: MMMM,,,, "charlie pulls out one of the bottles of alcohol shes been carryin around for like, 3 years real-time, pops it open, and hands it to silje"

charlie, genuinely concerned: good luck with your studies, uh... try not to get yourself killed. itd suck if you died. LMAO THORNE WARNED HER THAT CHARLIE'S A PYROMANIAC charlie has self-restraint! ..........sometimes!

solar: thorne is not responsible for the fact that i am stupid.

LMAO sieron walks through the portal but with his cloak of billowing active. gg sieron

kali: that was fast-- taure & thorne: [attempting to explain] charlie: HHEEEUUUURUUGGHGHGHHhh

i swear my charlie voice is getting more and more nasal.

charlie: hey, real quick taure, when did you become racist again? (taure is pissy at elves bc tragic family backstory. elf beef. eeef)

charlie: that was a whole situation up there-- i am not dabbing on purpose--

oh she mentioned that fjolnir isnt from the outer plane. that might be important.

Back To Camp!

we have chosen to [SPARE] Valna Rothaal. this action will have consequences charlie now knows the teleportation signature to the heart of arvus! so like, if we're ever able to teleport fast travel stuff, we can just go there i think! neat.

taure turns around and... suddenly gets dizzy. and starts stumbling around. anD PASSES OUT? OH COOL SO. TAURE SEES A PITCH BLACK SKY W A SINGLE YELLOW EYE LOOKING AT HER AND PASSES OUT. AND THATS THE END OF THE SESSION. GREAT GREAT GREAT

leos: did the other party kill her? michael: They Tried. - michael: its a shame, i was looking forward to you fighting your first legendary monster leos: MMRRGHGHHHH;;; [fear.jpg]

yeah michael expected us to try and murder valna but instead we were just disappointed in her life choices. neat.

TAURE CANONICALLY HAS SLEEPY BITCH DISEASE or rather the sudden twist at the end was something planned for a while now and penn told michael to just have it kick in whenever. neAT.

#leo chirps #ttrpg #explorers of arvus #:cope:#i was listening to a scu!slimecicle fanmix while posting this and the gigapuddi song came on and i was ready to throw hands #oh man i have motw later today. this is finew

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msiopao · 4 years

Text

Nobi with the Members

WORLDWIDE HANDSOME

‘eomma!!!’

one yell from her and jin’s running in with a spatula, ready to beat the kids

thinks a lot of her outfits are revealing but gave up after nobi told him to stop complaining to the stylists

cooking buddies

feeds into jin’s ego at being handsome

‘kim seokjin? no. art? yes.’

babies nobi TOO much

even though she’s literally 24, he still treats her like she’s 12

thinks she can do no wrong and sees her as an angel

but nobi is such a bad influence

‘my hair is bothering my eyes and it makes me want to just cut if off’

*nobi handing him scissors* ‘do it’

constantly telling him that his dancing is perfect bc jin is insecure about the lack of his ability :(

even though he’s a better dancer than most

nobi tries to get him riled up so he talks all weird

the one who is actually genuinely tickled with jin’s jokes

eatjin’s legendary moments always have jin and nobi in it

goes to his hotel room just because he always has food and jin doesn’t have it in him to refuse her

the one who nags nobi the most regarding her eating

just her mom periodt

TONGUE TECHNOLOGY

gets hyper when nobi messes around

incredibly and ridiculously protective of her

helps her go through rough times as her therapist

yoongi mumbles under his breath and nobi is usually the only one who hears and will laugh as he curses someone quietly

nobi’s sense of humor is the closest with his

nap times are their bonding times

also composing

army always amazed bc nobi is the only who gets yoongi on crack mode

nobi always pinches his cheeks and she shrieks when he does that cute awkward smile

nobi absolutely flipped out when yoongi got really sick

always seeks yoongi’s approval so he’s the first one to see her lyrics

doesnt beat around the bush w it

if its bad, needs improvement

if its good, its the BEST LYRICS HES EVER READ

nobi hides her feelings well and he’s the only one who can get her to open up

during bst era, she hit her lowest

yoongi got very concerned and when she did finally talk, his heart just broke in half

she hates the fact that she can’t be the daughter her parents wanted

she hates the fact that she’s weak and breaks down easily

she hates the fact that she’s seen as a whore because she’s surrounded by boys she calls her brothers 24/7

she hates the fact that everything about her is considered wrong

that talk got them really close and yoongi makes it mission everyday to see her genuine and pretty smile

he lives for her happiness

uwu

HOBI

‘WELCOME TO THE HOBI NOBI SHOW!’

puppies

nobi hugs him a lot

whenever he dances, nobi has this look in her eyes that looks like hobi is the stars and the universe

both of them are the ones who keep the group’s mood up and tries to prevent fights

even when they’re tired from practice, they still smile and yells ‘hwaiting!’

while hobi is just a moodmaker in general,

nobi does it bc she hates confrontation and gets uncomfortable so she just blurts it out

nobi’s also a dancer so her and hobi dance ALL THE TIME

vlives w them are always filled with laughter and teasing

‘everyone, nobi just fell after hitting that spin’

‘YAH! NO I DIDNT!’

hobi is known to be a choroegrapher and nobi puts her input here and there and boom!

tbh idk why they even have a professional choreographer in the first place

hobi is a trained singer so nobi asks him to sing for her constantly

hes happy to oblige

armys live for the moments of them in run bts or vlives bc they have this vibe or bond that is just something you wished you had

JOONIE-HYUNG!

‘NOBI WATCH OUT!’

they’re the philosophical duo

nobi loves poetry and literature in general bc she tends to think really deeply

their bonding time is those deep talks

as their leader, nobi goes to him for confirmation or approval for a lot of things

she’s always having english lessons w him and he tries his best to teach her so she could speak to int-army

bts calls them the clumsiest bc of joon’s usual clumsiness but nobi is always looking out for him so she doesnt pay attention to her surroundings and runs into something too

she loves his studio and hangs out the most even though joon’s always telling her to stay away

props up her feet on that fortune dollar table of his

when he speaks english in interviews, she watches him with a smile on her face

her dad

pats her head when she walks over to him

her and jimin crashes his vlives all the time

there’s nothing in the world that changes the way she sees joonie

to her, she’ll always be the joonie who welcomed her to their group even though she was a brat at first

thats another story for next time

now she respects him so much and he’s probably the one she looks up to the most

overall, she idolizes him and talks about him like he put the stars in the sky while joon just sits there all flustered

MOCHI

oof look at that beautiful manjfkalj;dlfsjkf

cannot sleep without her chimmy plush

when they first met, he was the first one she got really close to

his cute chubby cheeks were victims of her uwu moments

learns a lot fo ballet videos from youtube and they dance it in vlives all the time

remember when i said she had an eating disorder?

yea, it happened around the time he had his too

nobi was always trying to eat little ever since debut but she stopped eating for days at a time and with jimin doing it too, bts kinda derailed for a hot minute

a long emotional time of sufering until bang pd demanded they stop it immediately

after that, they had an emotional sit down where they just cried and spilled all their insecurities and they had each other’s backs

knowing she was already skinny, jimin disapproved but she also disapproved and again, more tears

nobi always hides snacks in her and kook’s room that kook doesn’t even know about and she always brings the box over to jimin’s room if hobi is out for schedules

when hobi went to america, nobi slept in jimin’s room

kook was real pissed off about it

eyesmiles for days

giggles 24/7

has the picture of one of jimin’s unreleased baby pictures as her home screen

dies a little inside when nobi reaches over to him with sweater paws bc OMG she’s so cute

uwu

jimin really coos and giggles at nobi bc of her small height and her uwu energy

sorry i used uwu a lot

TAETAE

the dumpling accident omg

jimin mentioned it in a vlive earlier and nobi also talked about it a day later in her own vlive

‘tae was very hungry at that time and just wanted to eat it immediately and when he got angry, he curled up to nobi and refused to acknowledge me’

again, nobi hates confrontation so fights between the members always brings her down and so she tries to comfort each member

she bought tae some dumplings after practice and tricked him into meeting jimin so they could meet up

tbh, tae would be a mess without nobi

she helps him clean up his room but gives up w the amount of clothes on the floor

‘honestly, you shouldve just stayed roommates w joonie-hyung. we cant trust you to room by yourself’

she goes to his room sometimes and just lays on his bed bc he has the softest bed in the whole dorm

tae is already known to be very regal and royalty like whenever he steps outside

combine that with graceful queen nobi?

oof armys fanfiction royalty aus pop up everywhere

nobi is still angry that tae isn’t a gucci model w her bc she feels out of place being the only member w a clothing sponsorship

but underneath that stiff and cold facade, they both are seen making faces and goofing off all the time

nobi can only stand being a queen for so long

in one concert, she danced w him in a duet w singularity and lets just say, armys died that night

always stands next to each other and if they cant, always seen giving each other longing stares and smiles

the 2nd most popular ship in the fandom and they know it too so they keep feeding armys for their compilation videos

MUSCLE PIG

the only member who’s younger than her

actually would it be considered if they’re only 10-months apart?

kook refuses to call her noona unless he wants something

initially didnt like her but there was a time she bought him banana milk and it was all good

our boy was crying bc he was hungry and tired and he was trying to control his weight and he just wanted some banana milk

they’re a superior ship

one of the most popular ship in the whole industry

actually the superior couple and kai and jennie can square up

there’s fan edits of them and they both purposely do stuff to help them make au videos in youtube

theyve seen it before so we arent safe bois

the 2nd pair of roommates in the bts dorm

nobi is usually the first one to sleep while kook is watching something in the living room

when he goes to his room, he takes a minute and stands at the doorway and just looks at nobi with love in his eyes

mhm

nobi loves warmth so she gets out of her own bed at like 3 in the morning and just goes into kook’s and cuddles to him

sometimes, they just lay in bed and nobi is holding his hand just inspecting his tattoos

‘should we get a matching tattoo?’

their closet is large and tbh, they share the same clothing anyways

more like nobi wears mostly kook’s stuff

like, really, nobi has pants and a few shirts and thats it

they share everything like family but kook refuses to share her w anyone else but him

#bts imagines #8th member of bts #bts 8th member #bts au #bts scenarios #bts female scenarios #bts female imagines #bts female member #bts female addition #kpop oc #female!oc #bts girl member #bts imagine #bts scenario #bts fanfic #bts aus

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gevejsbvdj · 3 years

Text

Fine. Pt 1

Okay. I did NOT want to do this. I don’t want it to look like I’m trying to start something. When I made the announcement post, I thought that would be it. But a lot of you got really angry and reeeeally bitter about it, suspiciously enough. I am actually hoping that after I post this, I get an explanation and an apology. I tried to explain to these people time and time again about how I was hurt by this situation but they refused to listen. So here I am, spelling it the fuck out. Also, this account is dead anyways and i am so tired of keeping this to myself. I can’t do it anymore.

That’s enough preamble for now, I’ll make more notes at the end. Let’s get onto the “situation” that was the final straw for me and inspired my complete leave.

For comprehension purposes, this took place in the Crackerbox Palace discord server.

For a warning, I’m pretty theatrical when stressed. If I joke here I’m sorry. I’m going to hold back on the humor.

CW: mentions of sexual abuse, pedophilia, racism, and seizures. You have been warned.

It sounds disgustingly simple, but when I joke about this (to myself, because it’s better than crying about it), I say that me having a seizure was the cause of this all. It isn’t really, but- let me explain.

I was alone, and I was chatting with the people in the server when suddenly- I just felt fucking weird. Initially, I was like “oh what the hell” until I realized that the weird sensation was actually familiar. It’s what people who have seizures call an “aura” or a “ting”, and it’s a numbing, buzzing sensation that’s kind of like an alarm bell that lets your body know what’s about to go down. And I have a habit (you can decide whether it’s good or bad) where I feel like I have to tell anyone around me that I’m going to have a seizure as SOON as I recognize the aura. Well like I said, I was alone. There was no one physically around me that I could tell, but I already had the chat open, fingers on my keyboard, I typed: I think I’m gonna have a seizure. Something like that. And I did. Don’t worry, I’m fine now. The older I get, the less extreme my seizures are for the most part. I got a splitting headache for the next two days, but we’re getting it checked out! This is only context for what happened next.

After that happened I eventually came to and as soon as my senses were recollected and my memory came back, I felt so embarrassed that I told my friends who I thought were super cool that I had a SEIZURE. But I noticed that Ley and Emma (in their genuine concern) were discussing seizures and how dangerous they could be, and was wondering if I was okay. I was honestly so relieved they weren’t laughing or anything like that. Vulture then responded saying “hey can you censor the word seizure, it’s a trigger.”, and so Ley and Emma did so. I was confused by this because I thought Vulture was saying it’s MY (me, a person who has them regularly) trigger, or that they were saying it was a trigger in general? I soon found out that it was a term on our “blacklist”, which makes sense.

So In our server, we had a channel (the prior mentioned blacklist channel) where people can suggest words and phrases to avoid. Phrases/topics that make you very uncomfortable, triggering, etc. Someone suggested that the name “Zack” be blacklisted because it’s the name of someone that manipulated them. And no, not Zach like me Zach, but Z-A-C-K, you know? Anyways, sometimes the sheltered southerner in me jumps out, and someone asking for that name to be blacklisted rocked my world! Even more so that the admins I worked with were willing to blacklist it. I thought, wait all this time I could have asked you all to blacklist a NAME that upsets me? I didn’t know I could do that. Never have I ever been in an environment where something like a name could be avoided to ensure my comfort. While THAT was what I was thinking, when I went to type it in the chat, it did not come off that way to vulture. Here’s what I said:

Vulture took what I said wrong, which is totally fair. Words fail me as they do everyone else, and looking back, I could have done better in explaining what I felt. I’m not blaming them for the misunderstanding, and I'm not even blaming me that much. It happens, man. But what got to me, was them accusing me of belittling or more so INVALIDATING the trigger. Me, someone actually has seizures, invalidating someone being triggered by them. Okay. Here was my response:

My response was unnecessarily snarky and I am still sorry for that. I thought I got better at thinking before speaking but it’s evident that it’s still something I need to work on. However, like I said I’ve never been one to accept it when someone’s trying to have an attitude with me. And no I’ll be the first to say that Vulture wasn’t explicitly rude to me, but I was gobsmacked that someone was trying to tell me how traumatic seizures are and accused me of invalidating them after I just said that I have them frequently. And that even after I explained what I meant, I was still met with an accusing response. Can you imagine if I went up to a homeless man and said “you have no right to invalidate my trauma with homelessness. I read matchbox girl.” Like okay? Also, yes that mod chat had a history with taking everything I said as aggressive or belligerent, hence my telling them to stop that. I was always met with a dismissive and antagonistic response. Remember that. I will get back to that.

Because of Vulture’s immature response, I removed them as chat admin. Do I regret it? Halfway, yes. I should have pulled them to the side and spoke with them about what they did. But looking back on that, after seeing the things they’ve posted today? It’s probably for the best that they weren’t a part of the admin team.

Andy (also known as shadowylemon here) and Cody are partners who also helped me run the server. They were admins,obviously. Andy asked me why I removed Vulture as Admin. I explained to him why, very civilly with the help of one of my friends because my response almost WASN'T. And to be frank, I ignored most of what he said because again I was being made to be the evil villain and I wasn’t being heard. So I ignored him. Also I was on a call so I wasn’t going to break my brain listening to ten people at once. I was so tired, my seizure happened like only a couple days prior and my head was still affected.

I mulled over that whole ordeal for a bit until me and my friend (the same friend I mentioned earlier, who helped me with my response to Andy. Lenny. He also helped me mod there and was the original co-founder of the server) came to the conclusion that the mods were too young. We need an age limit. So I told them, like “hey you guys are fine for now but I think that in the future, we should start having the mods be older”.

At this point I’m super careful with the way I word things. I’m always like that to be honest, as a black (visual-wise, a female) female you learn real quick that you’re the angry one in every situation unless you learn to talk super duper civil. But I didnt think I had to be that way in THAT server, you know? I thought I was safe there. Apparently not. Anyway-

I was met with, again, an aggravated “how dare you” type response from Cody. Which was okay with me, still is. When you work with someone in a group, you’re not going to agree with them all the time. So we were having a pretty civil, short lived back and forth until I mentioned that we tone it down on blacklisting every word. I suggested earlier to blacklist the word “blue” to see how far they would take it and they literally blacklisted it. I didn’t get to say this then, but I’m actually against over censoring, even if it’s supposedly for someone’s mental health. I have ADHD, RSD, on the damn spectrum, all that good stuff, so don’t come for me. But if you’re wanting to avoid words like blue, or a very common name, that is not my responsibility. That is your therapist. The server had people in there who- well English wasn’t their first language, and adding more barriers to their language is, I feel, very inconsiderate.

Cody started to threaten to delete the blacklisting channel all together and was acting really panicky. AGAIN (if I can find the screenshots, I will share) I was met with a very victimizing, whiny response. Like come on now. I told them to please do not make me the aggressor or I will leave.

No response.

So the rest of us were just getting ready to start a call and play some games until we noticed something.

Channels, titles and colors, and nearly everything was being deleted.

By who? Andy and Cody. This is just one screenshot. I wouldn’t include what’s over ten i have saved on my phone.

I was afraid that they got hacked and was being made to delete them. Until I thought “wait...it’s funny how they’re the only mods that are being ‘hacked’ while the rest of us were left alone. RIGHT after I just had a disagreement with them. Oh my god is this a tantrum.” The server then echoed my concerns. Please don’t be a tantrum. We noticed they left and so I dmed Andy. I said “Why” and he blocked me. That confirmed that it was indeed a tantrum. A tantrum because I IMPLIED that they were being micro aggressive towards me. Alright.

Me and the server joined a sort of conference call where we discussed what happened and they asked me questions as well as talked about what our next move was. At the time, I thought I was being dramatic because my breathing was super labored, and my face was super hot, and my heart was pounding. I was furious. There was a tiny voice telling me that ‘hey, you’re mad because after you told them that you were uncomfortable and upset with them treating you like an unhinged angry person, they did all this shit’ but I ignored it.

That is a common theme with me. I know a lot of you think I’m using my race as a weapon and that I call everything racist, but I HATE calling things racial discrimination for that exact reason. I don’t wanna look sensitive, or get called a snowflake. I honestly used to be a self-loathing black person, and you could hurl slurs at my face and I’ll excuse it. My friend group in the 9th grade was mainly racist white people. I’m so glad I grew out of that nonsense but damn some of that toxic mentality stuck with me to the point I never wanted to acknowledge when someone was biased against me.

I mean, how could it be any more clear? Do I think that Andy and Cody are racist? Of. Course. Not. I think that’s why a lot of you got so mad at me when you realized that what you did was microaggressions rooted in racial bias. Because you thought I was calling you a RACIST. I’ve had white people who will march with me during protests say and some really off-putting shit the next day. You can be an ally and make mistakes. You’re not perfect. I’m not perfect. None of us is. You have to allow yourself to make errors, and be confronted. Running away cursing and kicking rocks just tells me that you don’t want to listen to black people.

But anyway, we attempted to move on from the childish ordeal and I enlisted the help of new people to help me mod since we were short two, and could have used the help anyway.

We were doing alright, really. One day, though, Joane messaged me saying that Vulture wanted to apologize and wanted to talk. And I was like great now's the perfect time to talk to them like I should have the first time, but wrongly didn’t. So I told Joane to dm me.

Well, Joane sent me a screenshot of some of hers and Vultures conversation.

As you can see I initially did feel willing to apologize and speak to vulture. Because like I said earlier, my snarky response was UNNECESSARY. However, Joane joining in the discussion with her “I can’t understand him which frustrates me lmao” peeved me. As did Vulture acting like I’m unhinged. While I didn’t need to make the “imma blacklist lmao and lol since it bothers you so much” comment at ALL, it wasn’t that deep….at all. Vulture has a habit of virtue signalling too. Their comment “I’m patient and forgiving” is an example.

While I was annoyed initially, I soon felt pretty hurt that Joane would say that about me behind my back? It made me wonder if there was more she didn’t show me. Joane was a really good friend and I loved her a lot so I was extra sensitive about it. I’ve never spoken ill about her behind her back.

Now, this is a recurring theme in this post but let me say now: I am aware that no one is OBLIGATED to treat me a certain way because I was nice to them. Of course not. But that doesn’t mean it doesn’t hurt? Talking negatively about someone isn’t a problem, but having them think you’re their friend while doing so is. You know? It’s very deceiving, but in Joane’s case, only slightly deceiving.

So I just didn’t speak to her for a bit. I was already annoyed at having to re-build my server because of a couple of teenagers having a tantrum, as well as things that were happening in my personal life. Also, the news was no damn help at all, you all know. But I didn’t speak to her for the rest of the day and I...I hated it haha. I don’t like avoiding people when I’m frustrated, and after I saw what happened with Vulture when I did the same thing, I should know better. Plus I felt bad. Joane was still a friend, and I wanted to get to the bottom of things.

I’m not going to include every little screenshot and whatnot, but I messaged her like hey what’s up let’s finish our discussion. Because I thought that at that point, I had my head screwed on a bit better.

During our discussion, I eventually showed Joane me and vultures conversation, and she acted astonished that Vulture didn’t show her all the context, and even said that they were being irrational. This was after I told her that after everything Andy and Cody did, they made a server with Vulture to which she informed me that she was aware, and she was invited. Honestly, at the time I didn’t think vulture was being irrational. While I said it’s no excuse, PTSD can make us say and do pretty wild things, and calling someone like that irrational feel like ableist language.

So me and Joane had a little moment. I apologized to her, and she apologized to me.

I was sure that after we both had our respective breaks, that we would be good to continue our friendship like normal. Just a bump in the road. It happens

That was until I got a certain anon from Vulture.

She asked me why we were done, but when I went to ask her “what in the world did you say to them” she blocked me.

Sorry I keep showing me messaging them, I just don’t wanna get lied to or something again.

I was really sad about that. I went to bed, and when I woke up, I was still sad. Joane was telling me one thing, and Vulture another thing. She was changing her opinion on a person depending on who she was talking to. It was dizzying and disingenuous and I didn’t even get to talk it out with her because she blocked me. Which was really suspicious. She told me that she would be taking a break from the server and that she still respected me as a friend, but went to vulture and told them that I treated her like SHIT, or at least acted enough like a victim to make them accuse me of that. I’m sorry, but where in the world did I do that? If me confessing to someone that they hurt me is the same thing as treating them like shit, then fuck man a lot of us are assholes.

Wow, look at me treat her like shit. Absolute garbage right?

I wasn’t even being completely honest to Joane about my feelings for that reason. Because of accusations like this. Another instance of someone taking literally me being normal and civil as being AGGRESSIVE. Vulture, I’m sorry for accusing you of utilizing white girl tears. I accused the wrong person. But that doesn’t mean you’re off the hook.

I went to our #vent channel on the server and told whoever was online and whoever was listening about the whole ordeal, and how HURT I felt because I was literally played by this girl. And I was accused of basically being abusive. Treated her like shit? Cmon man…

But another user in the server, as it turns out, had a similar experience with Joane, and provide in-depth screenshots. Which made me even madder, so we kept venting about the situation.

Also, because of a couple of dms, and because the more I ranted, the more pained I got, I felt compelled to say the following, NOW LISTEN CLOSELY:

I first prefaced my concerns by saying “I AM BY NO MEANS CALLING JOANE A GROOMER”. That was fucking useless of me to say because- okay I’m getting ahead of myself.

So I was saying (and in hindsight, I shouldn’t have. I know. But like I said, it was in the heat of the moment and I got a dm that made me feel bad) that it was strange how as soon as someone young and innocent was present, Joane would cling to them in an obsessive way. I’m not the only one who noticed that, and even one of the younger users in question agreed to my statement.

Listen fucking closely. I don’t think Joane is a sexual predator at ALL. That’s why I had that warning before I said anything in the chat. I do, though, think that if you’re a grown adult and you’re obsessed with being friends with people who are as young as 14, that it’s concerning, not in a sexual way, but in a power dynamic way. I’m only 19 and I honestly don’t get older people who become besties with much younger people. I was “friends” with the users as well, but I was a mentor/brother/dad more than anything. Do you understand? When I was 15, I’ve had people who were 20 and older become my friend and dump their adult problems onto me, as well as expect adult reactions and responses out of me. It was stressful and damaging and I did not want that happening to anyone else, especially the younger people in the chat. Okay? Okay.

That being said, my protectiveness is a major flaw of mine. Oh my god, do I take it too far sometimes, man. I didn’t want really young teenagers (13-16) to have a serious relationship with an adult because of what happened to me, and I didn’t want Joane to play and hurt anyone else the way she did me and my other friend. So I went into the announcements channel and told the users to read what we’ve been saying in regard to Joane and come up with your own decision. I did not have to do that, I can sit here and say that the things that transpired the past few days really took a toll on me whatever blah blah blah. But I could have kept it in vent, really. And the dumb thing is, that before I sent that message in announcements, I was literally telling myself that THIS is a bad idea. GOD, Zach. But I was at work, it was the last day before holidays started, and I was feeling super protective and I wasn’t thinking and- well yeah.

During all of this, I was having a conversation with vulture in Tumblr dms. I gathered the courage to finally dm them after receiving the anon. That conversation was on my old Tumblr, so I don’t have a screenshot of the key points, but I typed my starting message in notes, and this is what I said:

“Hi vulture. I don’t want to be here for long but I just wanna ask: why? You accused me of invalidating a trigger and even after I told you that’s not what I meant you still went off on me? You’re mad at me about an inaccurate perception and it really upset me. I’ve been terrified of talking to you specifically because I’ve been dealing with micro aggressions from you, Andy, and Cody and it’s really been wearing me down. And when I told Andy and Cody about their treatment of me, they deleted shit from my server and leave? How do you think that makes me feel as a black person? Makes me never want to talk about my feelings ever again out of the fear of being antagonized. I’m sorry I was snarky towards you, if you didn’t like my remark about “lmao” and “lol”. I agree it was immature. But don’t forget you came at me first. If you’re willing to further discuss this with me then great, which I am sure you are seeing that you asked me to on anon. I finally gathered the courage to contact you so let’s do this.”

We had a brief conversation. Vulture dismissing my microaggressions concerns but really- it happens so much that at that point I was so numb to it. Also a little bit “it’s not about your race. Remember when I…” more virtue signalling. Bleh. But after all, I did thank them for actually wanting to talk to me. Andy didn’t wanna do it. Cody didn’t wanna do it. Joane didn’t want to. Vulture did. And I appreciate that to this day, after everything. I can always admire that about someone.

It ended prematurely because of me. I was at work and got distracted by that as well as by what happened in the server next.

Emma sent a pretty long message basically calling all of us out for “bullying Joane” and talking ill of her behind her back, as well as announcing that she would be leaving the server and that we should all be ashamed of ourselves. This was right after someone confessed that Joane made him feel uncomfortable with constant flirting. I admitted that I should not have put the message In announcements, but guys.

I went off. I couldn’t hold back anymore. I was sick of trying to be docile and sweet. I didn’t care if I would be portrayed as the angry black again I DID NOT CARE. Bullying Joane? Me talking about how she hurt me is bullying? Let’s look up what that means.

Yeah okay. That’s incorrect usage, right? I didn’t even call Joane names. I didn’t persistently harass her. I spoke about what she did to me in distaste, but I was done with her as a friend at that point, and she knew that, so was not going behind her back. I wasn’t being predatory towards her. And I definitely wasn’t being AGGRESSIVE or BLUSTERING. Emma was using broad pronouns and terms (you guys, you all, etc) but I knew she was talking about me, as I was the most prominent in my venting about Joane due to my situation with her happening just yesterday. I sent the most messages, I- while wrong in doing so- posted the announcements. That message primarily was directed towards me. When I say that microaggressions tear you down, it tears you THE FUCK down.

That being said, I did cuss Emma out (she wasn’t present when I went off, but still) and cussed out everyone who agreed with her. I was so blinded by rage and hurt I don’t even remember at all what I said. One line that sticks out to me though is “y’all saw a white girl crying and thought oh man we can’t have that” and that’s a mantra I’ve repeated a couple of times when I find myself in scenarios such as this one.

But- I do regret going off like that. I would be lying if I said it wasn’t justified slightly, though. I don’t expect any of you to understand completely what I went through, but please try. I regret going off like that, though. And I’m sorry.

I guess I was also upset because I was JUST in a good mood? I was literally singing to myself all happy and shit, but Emma’s inconsiderate message threw me off. It’s making me even more upset now that I know why she said that. She wasn’t the only person to tell me I should be ashamed of myself for manipulating (yes, MANIPULATING) Joane.

I dmed Emma in an attempt to fix things, but i gave up quickly. I was too raw with emotions anyways. So I mournfully told her that we probably should’t be friends anymore, to which she responded

Carelessly?...ouch.

From the moment Joane dmed me about Vulture, and the moment Emma sent that message, all of that transpired within three days. Three fucking days and THAT much happened. It was taking a toll on me, that’s not even counting Andy and Cody’s tantrum.

I was in a dark place, still am. I made a post saying that I was going to take a break from Tumblr and then made one saying that I was going to kill myself in the tags. Not exclusively because of all this, of course. So. Much. Bullshit. Happens to me on a daily basis. Abusive parents. Sexual assault. Racism that’s actually violent. Dying relatives. So much. I’m crying as I type this it’s just so much. In real life, I have no friends. Not even fake acquaintances. Yes, I cut off all those people because they were extremely toxic, but that doesn’t change the fact that I have literally no one. That server was my escape. Parents fighting? Open discord. Mental spiral? Discord is there. Just had a seizure? Don’t worry, you have friends. And now I don’t. And all because of some dumb shit that wouldn’t probably have happened if two kids didn’t get mad at ME because THEY were ignorant. I know it’s not good to rely on a server to improve your mental health, but I couldn’t help it. I was desperate. And I really did think so highly of everyone in that chat. I loved them.

I received a couple asks that night saying that I don’t have to hurt myself, I’m loved, all that. Very kind messages. And right when I was going to delete the post (I was so embarrassed for posting it), I got a message from ley that read something like “I don’t agree with what you said at ALL but that doesn’t mean I want you to kill yourself or leave” something along those lines. I thought, really? You couldn’t just say you didn’t want me to leave and have it at that?

I really don’t want to make it seem like I posted something so graphic for attention, man. I can’t stand that manipulation tactic and I don’t want that harmful stigma about suicidal people to be encouraged.

But Ley’s message threw me off. Agree with what I...huh? Then it pissed me off

So I deleted my account. And fell off the face of the earth for 15 days.

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extreme-technicality · 3 years

Note

does talking to an anon help about ninjago help? cuz I'm down

DHDKCKGSC YES IT DOES THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR OFFERING YOUR SERVICES

Okay now that I know I won’t be clogging people’s dashes buckle the fuck in my dude and I should stress that I literally would not be talking about this as much as I will be if I didn’t genuinely enjoy the show. I’m gonna go season by season and just Rant

S1 has the serpentine as the bbeg and like, as far as villains go they’re p lit. They’re early enough that they haven’t been done to hell, things are fresh, the characters and dynamics are being fleshed out, and all in all s1 is a pretty solid season. There’s some fuckery that gets brought up re: how the FUCK aging works and what the actual timeline of Ninjago is and how Wu and Garmadon fit into that timeline, fuckery that LITERALLY NEVER GETS RESOLVED IN A SATISFYING WAY BC ITS REVEALED IN A LATER SEASON (s8, dw we’ll get there lmao) THAT THE ONLY REASON THE FIRST SPINJITSU MASTER, WU, AND GARMADON LIVED AS LONG AS THEY DID IS CUZ THEYRE BASICALLY DEMIGODS AND ITS IMPLIED THAT LLOYD WILL ALSO LIVE FOR A LONG ASS TIME WHICH MEANS ONE DAY HES GONNA OUTLIVE ALL HIS FRIENDS AND EVERYONE HE EVER LOVED WHICH IS A FUN THING TO THINK ABOUT AT NIGHT But anyway I digress, s1 also coincidentally introduces Lloyd (he wasn’t in the pilot episodes that set up the rest of the series) and the existence of Evil Dad Garmadon.

S2 is where Garmadon starts acting a lot more Evil and a lot less Dad. He’s the main antagonist for that season, and I actually read somewhere that the show was originally slated to end after s2 which high key explains the fuckery of literally every single season after this lmaooooo. Much like s1, I really can’t find much to complain about, the first two seasons are pretty decent as far as I can remember

Season. Fucking. Three. Where the fuck do I start??? I hate season three for entirely personal reasons revolving around the STUPID GODDAMN ROMANCE WRITING. okay lemme back up and explain a thing first so, Jay is dating Nya and they’re fine, they’re going steady, aND THEN????? THE BEGINNING OF THE SEASON INTRODUCES BULLSHIT LOVE TRIANGLE FUCKERY FOR ZERO GODDAMN REASON, BITCH I HATE LOVE TRIANGLES AND I HATE THEM EVEN MORE WHEN THEYRE DONE FOR NO GODDAMN REASON!!! AND THEN. AS IF THAT WERENT ENOUGH. THEY SHOEHORNED A ROBOT ROMANCE BETWEEN ZANE AND PIXAL AND I KNOW I RANTED ABOUT THIS A LITTLE BIT WHEN I WAS ACTUALLY WATCHING BUT I DIDNT GO INTO ENOUGH DETAIL!!!! THEY MADE THE OTHER NINJA OOC IN ORDER TO PROP UP THEIR SHIP!!!!!! AND AT ONE POINT ZANE GOES “its like we were…made for each other” AND I HAD TO FUCUCJDHVE I HAD TO SCREAM INTO A PILLOW BRO, IM SO TIRED!!!! NO THE FUCK YOU WERENT!!!!!! YOU WERE MADE FOR YOU AND PIXAL WAS MADE FOR PIXAL AND IF YALLS WANNA BANG BOLTS THATS FINE BUT DONT IMPLY THAT EITHER OF YOU WERE MADE INCOMPLETE!!!! THATS AN INSULT TO YOUR MAKERS AND YOURSELVES, MOVE ON, PLEASE AND THANK YOU. anyway that season also killed Zane (for the first time, but not the last) (spoiler alert lmao) and like, not to be an emotional little shit but I did cry a bit at his funeral.

S4 is honestly one of my favorites, even though the romance crimes continue (the love triangle bullshit is continuing and honestly I maintain that Cole, Nya, and Jay should all have gotten together and in my personal canon they DID, and also Kai has a forced romance) the VILLAIN makes up for it imo. He’s campy!! He’s funny!! He’s a clown!! He’s serious enough that if he says “I’m gonna kill you” HE MEANS IT and that’s so fucking refreshing!!!! S4 is honestly 8/10 just for the villain alone, don’t like that it retconned the SHIT out of the elemental masters and how many different elements there are TO master but eh, it’s ninjago, shit is stupid.

S5 was…interesting? OH WAIT I FORGOT TO MENTION THAT S3 INTRODUCED A GARMADON WHO WAS A LOT LESS EVIL AND A LOT MORE DAD, HONESTLY I THOUGHT IT TOOK A LOT OF THE FLAVOR OUT BUT THATS JUST ME LMAOOO. anyway s5 killed Garmadon, and I was a little sad cuz I like him okay??? I just think he’s NEAT, he’s got big dad energy, he was teaching Lloyd some shit that just got DROPPED and literally was never brought up again which is honestly a theme in Ninjago. Ninjago drinking game: take a shot every time they introduce a plot point or ability and drop it at or before the end of the season. WHICH THEY ALSO DID IN S5 WITH A DIFFERENT POWER ACTUALLY, so all the ninja are masters of Spinjitsu right, well s5 introduced the concept of Airjitsu which only Spinjitsu masters can learn and it lets them FLY and they used that for seasons 5 and 6 and then they nEVER BROUGHT IT UP AGAIN EVEN THOUGH IT WOULDVE COME IN HANDY FOR S E V E R A L DIFFERENT SITUATIONS ACROSS THE SEASONS, ONE OF THEM WOULD BE FALLING TO THEIR DOOM AND MY ASS WOULD BE YELLING “YOU CAN FLY, DUMBASS” - anyway, they do that again later lmao it’s fine. But what’s low key NOT fine is they made Nya the WATER NINJA!!! Like I’m not mad she has powers, except I kinda am, she was doing just fine as Samurai X and honestly the only reason she has super special ninja powers is for plot reasons. Also Cole got turned into a ghost, but by s7 he’s????? No longer a ghost????????? And that’s NEVER addressed or reasoned away, so like. Cool lmao

S6 didn’t happen. Like, canonically, s6 ends with wish fuckery that undoes the entire season and none of the characters remember anything that happened except Jay and Nya because S6 is the season where they get back together so they remember all those events for???? Feelings reasons?????? Unclear, moving on. The actual bbeg for S6 was a djinn with a vaguely Spanish accent, and to this DAY I don’t know why they made him have a SPANISH accent. Djinn are Arabic, not Spanish!! They’re not central or South American, either!!!! Your villain design makes no sense, do better

S7 had MORE time fuckery, and retconned what happened to Kai and Nya’s parents and hmmmhmhmhmhmhm that makes me Upsetti Spaghetti :3 not just the retconning, but the fact that they LITERALLY brought them back oNLY TO NEVER MENTION THEM AGAIN!!!!!! LITERALLY!!!!!!!! Okay so at the VERY very beginning, like pilot episodes beginning, Kai talks about their dad like he died/left fairly recently, BUT s7 contradicts that and claims that both of their parents were essentially abducted when Kai and Nya were little kids, which makes me question what in the fresh fuck two little kids were doing for all those years alone. SETTING THAT ASIDE FOR A HOT SECOND, their parents were also apparently good friends of Wu’s and old war buddies (from the Serpentine wars, which is YET ANOTHER bit of the timeline that doesn’t quite add up but honestly I could make a whole other post about that shit). But if they were such good fucking friends, why didn’t Wu check in every now and again??? What the fuck was Wu doing that was so fucking important that he couldn’t have been assed to visit his friends ONCE in like TEN MOTHERFUCKING YEARS and realize “oh shit, they’re not here and there are two tiny children running around unsupervised…My Kids Now : )” LIKE????? WU YOU LOW KEY SHOULDA LOOKED OUT FOR YOUR FRIENDS’ KIDS BETTER, THEY COULDA DIED BRO!!! Uhhhh the time fuckery also results in Wu getting yeeted ahead in time a bit and the ninja gotta find him

Season. Eight. I have…mixed feelings about this one. The beginning absolutely SLAUGHTERED me, and not in a “this is so fucking funny” way. No, the beginning made me feel like I was being flayed alive with just about every episode because Ninjago was back on its forced romance bullshit and this time it was Lloyd’s turn on the chopping block. That hurt my soul cuz like, look at that mans color scheme, he’s CLEARLY alloaro, why are you forcing romance on my aro man, why would you hurt me like that, BUT ALSO BECAUSE HE AND THE GIRL HE WAS BEING SET UP WITH HAD A LITTLE HEART TO HEART REALLY EARLY ON AND IT WAS THE MOST QUEER CODED SHIT!!!! IT DEADASS READ AS A CONVERSATION BETWEEN AN OUT AND PROUD QUEER AND A CLOSETED QUEER AND THEY MADE!!! IT!!!!! STRAIGHT!!!!!!!!!!!! The only thing that kept me watching at first was wanting to find Wu, and then I started enjoying myself once Cole found a plot-relevant baby and had fatherhood thrust upon him. Everything went from “ehhhhh” to “holy shit this FUCKS” once it was revealed that Rumi (Lloyd’s love interest) wAS PLAYING HIM THE WHOLE TIME AND WAS EVIL AND HAD AN EVIL GIRLFRIEND!!!!!! LITERALLY IMPROVED EVERYTHING ABOUT THE SEASON FOR ME, I COULD EVEN FORGIVE THE WHOLE “let’s resurrect Garmadon, but as evil as possible” BULLSHIT!!!!!!

S9 is a continuation of s8, Garmadon is back and 1000% Evil, 10% Dad, but none of the Dad energies is directed at Lloyd - it’s all directed at Rumi, and honestly I could write a whole ass post on just RUMI cuz that’s honestly my DAUGHTER and I LOVE HER and I’m MAD SHE DIES AT THE END OF THIS SEASON!!!! SHE DESERVED THERAPY AND TO LIVE WITH HER GF AND MAYBE SOME CRIME. AS A TREAT. RUMI DESERVED BETTER AND LOW KEY IM GONNA WRITE A FIC ABOUT IT, BUT ANYWAY WHERE WAS I

Ah right, so s9 has the four major Ninja stuck in the original dimension with no way home, while Lloyd has no powers (cuz he almost died last season) and has to somehow lead a resistance against Garmadon (who has taken control of Ninjago City and is working on the rest of Ninjago). Actually, s9 is pretty cool. Like, the end of s8 and into s9 are low key my favorite episodes, and I kinda wanna rewatch them now -

S10 is a FUN one. Garmadon got got last season, but he didn’t DIE, so he’s in cold storage and now there’s Another Threat and he’s the only one who knows wtf they’re up against so they let him out and he works with them. The funny part is, he is still Very Much Evil and doesn’t quite Get emotions like he did when he was, uh, human lmao, sO HE WOKE UP EVERY DAY DURING THAT SEASON AND DECIDED TO CAUSE PROBLEMS ON PURPOSE. IT WAS THE FUNNIEST FUCKING SHIT. 1000000/10 MY FAVORITE GARMADON, he ended that season by literally fucking off into Ninjago and they never decided to track him down 😭😭😭😭😭and I’m so SAD about it dude

S11 has another Serpentine as the bbeg, though in the setup to that they retconned how the fucking Serpentine tribes and history work??? I think???? Also Wu was a good 150% angrier and generally Done with the ninja’s shit, which was honestly refreshing tho I’m not quite sure I liked what the refreshed view was, but whatever lmao. S11 also had the ninja get yeeted to the dimension farthest from Ninjago, and honestly - okay, so they didn’t all go at the same TIME, Zane left about a week or two before the others did but there was time dilation fuckery afoot which I’m not too mad about cuz low key it makes sense. What I AM mad about is that they didn’t play the angst up to its full POTENTIAL!!!!!! Zane was EVIL in the other dimension!!!! Okay so I’m Ninjago he was only gone for maybe a week or two, but DECADES had passed in the other one, and all that time Zane was alone and disconnected from everyone he knew and loved, with a staff that boosted his power while slowly corrupting him and Turning Him Evil to help him, and like???? The thought of Zane trying to find a way home, trying to get SOME sort of message back, while he has to use the staff more and more to help him survive the long, lonely decades, so that by the time his family DOES show up its too late??? BRO. B R O. THAT JUST HITS DIFFERENT, BUT NINJAGO DIDNT DO THAT!!! THEY MADE HIM EVIL DUE TO MEMORY WIPE!!!!!! MEMORY WIPE IS BABY SHIT COMPARED TO A LONG, SLOW CORRUPTION!!!!!!

S12 was alright. It went into Cole’s mom, touched on some of the adventures she had had, threatened another forced romance (this time on poor Cole, just leave my mans ALONE) but thankfully didn’t follow through this time, introduced cool new powers that honestly hasn’t been elaborated on since that’s the most recent season I think lmao

Anyway thanks for reading and letting me rant!!!! I have,,So Much More I could talk about, PLEASE ask me about Rumi, some of my headcanons re: Garmadon and Wu’s dynamic, the Serpentine, my top five times they butchered Kai’s character for Plot Reasons, or anything else I brought up here that you want me to elaborate on!!!

#technical talks #ninja hoe #ask dadzawa #nonnie #this was honestly therapeutic tysm #and it let me kill time before I play Mario kart so bonus points!!#I definitely forgot to mention A Lot (like all the times one or all of the ninja lost their powers)#so like!!! feel free to bug me for more shit!!!!

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hockeytrashgoblin · 4 years

Text

High ~Part 10

A/N: This one is a long boi. Lots happens lol enjoy

"Babe? Some of the guys are going to be coming over later today if that's okay?"

"Yeah of course, love. They're always welcome."

"I just wanted to make sure."

"Why-oh! Auston's coming too right?"

"Yeah he is. He was whining that I only ever went to his house. I don't want you to be uncomfortable though."

"I'll just go out. I've got to do a bit of baby shopping anyway. I'll take Gray too. When are you expecting them?"

"In a bit. Like maybe 15 minutes before they start getting here?"

"Okay we'll go now then. Do you need anything while we're out?"

"Maybe some snacks? Sooooomebody ate all mine."

"Hey no fair I'm pregnant. I'm starving all the time." I pouted as he hugged me.

"Here I thought the big new kitchen would have enough food for us all."

"It doooes. I'm sorry."

"Don't be sorry baby. I don't really mind at all." He gave me a kiss before Gray started pulling my leg.

"Mommy I want to play."

"No baby we're going to the store now. Daddy's friends are coming over."

"I wanna stay." He pouted. I was so amazed at my little guy. Once he figured out words it was so fast to him talking in full sentences. He was one and a half now and on track to be fully understanding and talking by two. Much like me as a child. He was really smart.

"You can't stay, love. We'll be back soon and uncle Willy will be here to play with. Maybe uncle Freddie too." Mitch nodded to him and he finally agreed to go with me. We got to the store with little trouble and only one tantrum.

"Do you want to pick out something for the babies Gray?"

"Yeah!"

"Okay buddy-boop, whatcha wanna get?"

"Hats!"

"That's a good idea. It'll still be pretty cold when they get here. What ones do you want to get?"

"The blue bears!"

"You're sure you want the blue ones?"

"Yeah! Blue like daddy."

"Okay sweet boy, blue it is."

I tried to stretch out the shopping as long as I could but I had a cranky toddler who needed a nap and would only sleep in his bed right now. A phase I didn't appreciate. I got to the house quickly thanks to GPS. I still didn't always remember how to get to the new house fast. I took Gray out of his car seat and just brought him inside without thinking. He had been screaming for 20 minutes and I just wanted him to nap. I didn't take into consideration that there were hockey players all over the living room that I had to walk through to get to the stairs to his bedroom. Including Auston who had still never even seen his son except in pictures from Mitch's insta but there wasn't very many on there. I didn't realize until everyone was staring at me and the boy.

"Hey guys sorry to interrupt." I just kept walking through.

"Mommy I wanna play with uncle Willie."

"After your nap Gray. Right now you need to sleep."

After I put him down for his nap I sat outside his door and cried. Mitch came up to check on me and he sat down next to me rubbing my back.

"I can't believe I was just so stupid. I brought Grayson right through in front of Auston. He's never seen him in person Mitch. I was just so tired of listening to a screaming sleepy baby that I brought him in."

"You're not stupid. This is your house and that's our son. If he didn't want to risk seeing him he could've just stayed home."

"I didn't want him to see him. He doesn't want to see him, hes going to think I did it on purpose."

"He won't." He brushed the hair our of my face and gave me a gentle kiss. "Are you alright?"

"Yeah I'm just frustrated. Probably hormones are playing a role too. Its dumb I'm sorry."

"Don't be baby. Do you want to come down and hangout with us?"

"No I think I'm going to have a nap."

"Okay you can come down anytime you want. Love you, have a good nap."

"Love you."

I ended up sleeping for about 30 minutes. I woke up to Gray jumping on me.

"Baby, why are you jumping? How did you get out of your crib?"

"I climbed. I wanted to be with you mommy."

"Aww my sweet boy come here." I lifted up the comforter and he crawled in cuddling up with me. "We'll have to get you a big boy bed soon."

"Okay."

"Go back to sleep for a little bit okay Gray?"

"Okay mommy. Goodnight."

"I love you."

"Love you."

I stayed awake for a while just soothing my baby and getting him back to sleep. Eventually I fell asleep too. I was woken up a little while later by Mitch.

"Morning sleeping beauty."

"Hi love, how long have I been out? Where's Gray?"

"Probably around 2 hours? He had been asleep to long so I woke him up and brought him downstairs. Auston already left with Morgan and Zach."

"Sorry I've been sleeping so much. I'm just so tired all the time."

"I know, it's okay. Your body is working hard to make two healthy babies."

"Yeah that's true." I said feeling my belly.

"I can't believe you're showing so much already. It took you so long to show with Grayson. Are you feeling them yet?"

"Yeah but it's just light. You won't be able to feel it yet."

"Damn it."

"Sorry baby."

"Says sorry as if it's her fault." He said rolling his eyes. "Come on let's go back downstairs and see the guys."

"Okay." I gave him a kiss before we made our way back down. "Hey guys!"

"Well look who could finally be bothered to come see me." William said sarcastically giving me a hug.

"I'm sorryyy. The twins have me so fucking tired all the time."

"Hows everything going?" Freddie asked from the floor building blocks with Gray.

"Its all going good. The babies are a little on the small side but they're healthy so it's okay."

"That's good I'm glad to hear it." He said with a small but genuine smile.

"Thanks I'm glad too."

"Do you know what you're having yet? Marns said you were finding out this time."

"We don't know yet." I saw Freddie get out his phone but I didn't really think much of it until Will spoke up.

"No you don't but I do." William said with laughter in his voice.

"What?! You know? They called?" I asked getting excited.

"Mhm."

"Well what are you waiting for tell me, tell me, tell me!"

"Mitch looks like he's gonna barf." Freddie laughed.

"Babe come here." I sat him down beside me.

"How wild is it that I'm the only one who knows what you're having?"

"Willyyyy come on." I whined stomping my feet.

"Okay okay fine. Are you guys ready?"

"Yes for God sake!" Mitch said groaning.

"Okay so you're having another baby boy first off, and baby number two is a little girl."

"Oh my God!! Oh my God. Will for real?"

"Of course for real. I'm not about to lie." I ran up and hugged him and then went back to Mitch.

"Mitchie!!"

"Baby this is incredible. I'm so fucking happy." He held my face and gave me a kiss before lifting me into his arms and spinning me around. I started crying of course.

"Mitch this is so great. We get both."

"Stop crying you sweetheart, I'm going to cry." He kissed me again and wiped my eyes.

"Oh my God this is so awesome.. a little girl! And another boy! I'm so excited." I covered my eyes and started stomping my feet again in excitement.

"I'm so happy for you guys." Freddie said coming over and giving me a hug first then Mitch.

"Thank you Frederick. That means a lot." I said smiling wide.

"Thanks man." Mitch gave him a big hug.

"Cant believe you're going to have three kids soon. How do you feel man?"

"Excited. I'm so excited man. I can't believe I'm having two babies, let alone a boy and a girl. That's wild. Oh my God babe! We're having a girl!"

"I know lovey."

"God I'm not scary enough to have a daughter. Who's going to intimidate the guys trying to date her?"

"(Y/n)." William and Freddie said at the same time. Everyone laughed at the appalled look on Mitch's face. Even Grayson thought it was funny.

"Babe you've got a whole big bad team that can intimidate boys. Plus she's got two brothers. And you can be plenty scary when you want to be."

"Such a liar." Freddie said chuckling. "He literally got into a fight and hugged someone to the ground."

"Yeah but did I win though?" He asked getting worked up.

"Mitchie-"

"Babe no. Did I win though?"

"You did I guess in the broadest sense of the word." William said.

"No I won the fight. I didnt get hit and I got him to the ground. That's a win."

"If you say so."

"Ya know what? Fuck you guys."

"Fuck you guys." Gray repeated causing everyone to quiet down.

"Good going Marns." Freddie said trying to hold it together. William couldn't, he had to leave the room. I could still hear him laughing but I dont think Gray did. He did hear Mitch though.

"Fuck you." Grayson squealed laughing.

"Mitch cut it out." I said hitting the back of his head. He wouldn't stop at all and this is not what I wanted Grayson to start saying all the time and I felt a mad mood swing coming on. "Mitchell get out. Now."

"What?"

"Get. Out."

"Fine." He said scoffing at me and leaving.

"Grayson you come here." He came over and stood in front of me. "You don't say that anymore, you hear me?"

"Fuck you." He giggled but Freddie picked him up and sat him on his lap.

"Listen up bud. That's not a nice thing to say. It's mean."

"Daddy said it."

"Daddy was making a mean joke. You don't want to say mean things." I told him sternly.

"I want to say."

"Gray you listen to your mom. Who's the boss little man?"

"Mom's the boss."

"Right. So we're not gonna say that again right?"

"Right."

"If I hear that you're still saying it I'm gonna come back and we're gonna have to have a talk about listening to mom."

"Okay."

"Say sorry to your mom."

"I'm sorry mommy." He said coming over and giving me a hug.

"It's okay baby boy. I just don't want you saying those words. They're bad ones."

"I won't mommy."

"Good."

The rest of the evening was spent with the guys. We all played out in the snow with Gray then we came inside and cooked dinner together. The night ended with us all watching spongebob with Grayson until he got tired. I put him up to bed and read him a story after saying bye to Willy and Fred.

All night Mitch had been off. I was worried about him and I was worried that it was my fault for yelling at him. I decided I'd have to talk to him but I wasn't sure he'd want to talk to me. I found him in our room sitting on the edge of the bed. I climbed in on my side and crawled over to him. I gave him a kiss on the shoulder.

"I'm sorry for yelling at you earlier. I didn't mean to."

"It's okay babes."

"You seemed upset and I just wanted to apologize. It wasn't your fault that he repeated things."

"Do you think I'm a bad dad?"

"What? Mitch no!"

"Really?"

"Oh course hun. You're such a good dad to Grayson."

"But I made him swear."

"Mitchie anyone could've done that. We've all been swearing around him."

"What if I'm a bad dad to the twins?"

"You won't be. Love, where is this all coming from?"

"Auston and Zach where saying some off hand comments. Jokes probably. Some of them just really stuck with me."

"What did they say?"

"Just that I wasn't doing a good job basically. Aus was making fun of me for Grayson crying when you brought him in because I'm not raising him right. Zach said I was too young and dumb to have kids. He said I'd fuck em up. That we were stupid to go through with having the twins because it'll make my career harder."

"Okay new rule. Ya know who isn't allowed to ever critique your parenting? Auston fucking Matthews. You literally adopted his son and have been taking care of him so well his whole life. Auston ran away from me and pretty much never spoke to me again. As for Zach, he can fucking bite me. You aren't a bad parent and you aren't going to fuck them up. Our twins are going to love you with just as much intensity as Grayson."

"Thank you (y/n). You always know just what to say."

"I don't know what impact it'll have on your career and I'm sorry I was so selfish as to not think of that."

"What? No dont apologize for that. I thought of that." He said rubbing my arm that was around him. "I thought a lot about that before I brought up having another baby. I don't see how it would effect my career negatively. Or really at all."

"Maybe they're thinking concentration and stuff?"

"I don't know but this whole season you've been pregnant and we've had Gray for a season and a half before this. I've played my best hockey this year."

"I know I'm so proud of you." I said kissing him.

"I just want to have a big happy family. And it's not like I'm leaving it just to you to raise them. I'm just as involved. And it's not like I'm ditching the guys either. I just don't get it."

"Don't get upset about it baby." I leaned back and brought him back so he was laying on my crossed legs. I started running my fingers through his hair. He sighed in content and closed his eyes.

"It's just hard."

"Maybe they're just jealous."

"Why would they be?"

"Well I mean just look at you. You've got love, a beautiful family, twins on the way, you're playing better hockey than them, you have a house of your own. What's not to be jealous of?"

"I guess. I'm just really bothered that my best friends would say that kind of stuff about me. I love you guys so much and I just try so hard to show it every day."

"You do show it every day Mitch. You've shown it every day since we found out I was pregnant with Grayson. You're the most loving person I've ever met."

"I just want to do a good job."

"You do, you will. We can do it together."

"I love you so much."

"I love you Mitchie." The babies kept moving around as we were talking and I decided to try and distract him. "Hey love, do you want to see if you can feel the babies?"

"Are they kicking?" He asked excitedly turning over to face me.

"Yeah pretty hard actually."

"Where? Where are they kicking?"

"There's one down here. And the other is over here." I said moving each hand to the spots on my stomach.

"Alright babies kick me. I wanna feel it. I want to feel you move." He spoke to my belly and they started kicking.

"Do you feel it?"

"Shh I'm trying to concentrate."

"Pfft good luck." I said running my hand through his hair again laughing at the look he gave me.

"Stop moving."

"Sorry." I stopped and just sat quietly.

"Was that them?" He asked after a hard kick.

"I felt it over here for sure."

"Me too." He said smiling. "There's one of my babies. Finally. I didn't think they'd ever want me to feel them."

"Oh come on lovey, you knew they'd be felt eventually."

"Yeah I did. Come on other baby, get me." We stayed like that for a while waiting but he didn't feel it again which bummed him out.

"Mitchy it's okay you'll feel them both soon."

"I know I will. After Gray goes to bed I'm gonna sit here with you for hours just holding you and being kicked."

"Gonna take your baby bump naps again?" I asked wrapping my arms around his neck.

"Oh fuck yes. I loved those so much during the beginning of the season. I felt so close to you and Gray that way. It's the closest I could get connection wise since I can't feel them all the time."

"Awe babe, you can feel for them any time you'd like. And take your naps. You can do whatever you need to to feel connected to the babies."

"Can we pick out baby names?"

"What right now?"

"Yes why not? We already know the girl's gonna be Marly right?"

"Yeah I was thinking of giving her my mom's middle name Dawn too but I'm up for discussion on that."

"Marly Dawn Marner. I like it."

"Me too. Do you have any boy names in mind?"

"I don't know. I was kind of throwing around a few."

"Tell me."

"Okay these are just a few that I like. Andrew, Lucas, and Dexter."

"Aaww Dexter it so cute!"

"Yeah I liked it." He said with a shy smile while rubbing his neck.

"Don't do that. You look hot and I'm going to get so distracted."

"Oh my God whatever. Do you have any names?"

"I've been liking Toby. I also like Lucas. Josh, Kyle, Ethan too. I like Ethan."

"Those are cool."

"Now that you've said Dexter though I'm really liking Dexter."

"Well we've got time to decide still. We're only halfway there."

"You've got a point." I gave him a kiss before we laid down and he tried feeling for the babies some more.

#hockey #hockey story #hockey imagine #maple leafs #maple leaf imagine #leafs #mitch marner #mitch x reader

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ichirostitties · 5 years

Note

It’s great to see another HypMic imagines blog around!! Can I request some headcanons for how Ichiro, Dice, and Samatoki (desperate ofc) react when they’re attempting to flirt with their crush, but their crush doesn’t understand the flirting and just thinks the guys are being super nice all of a sudden? Hopefully that made sense agsjjfkvkv. Best wishes for you and the blog!!!! ꒰#’ω`#꒱੭

aah thanks also this is a v cute ask they r all babey (yes even mr hardcore)

Ichiro

-POOR BOY he really has no experience with this at all :^( it’s basically canon that his only relationship experience comes from light novels/manga and all that nfdjfhssj

-he was probably SO NERVOUS he’s liked you for so long!! for ages he was trying to drop subtle hints (’subtle’) but you just didn’t understand him. he’s so nervous cause he wants to tell you but he just..can’t

-it’s just..,,this one day in particular you guys are hanging out alone FINALLY (since jiro and saburo are at school, he has the day off and you happened to be free too!), and he’s dropping so many hints (it’s up to you whether or not he uses purposely cheesy pickup lines to no avail lmao) he’s tried EVERYTHING.

-he asked you to go to the movies sometime (he was like “so uhh..,,,would maybe wanna see this [insert cheesy romantic movie title here because ofc he would pick that to be as obvious as possible] together sometime y/n??”) and u were like “yeah i’d love to!! how did you know i’d love to see that movie you’re so thoughtful! :) is it ok if i bring some other friends too?” and he just internally cries because he MEANT just the two of you because it’s a movie COUPLES see together

-you guys were chillin on his couch probably watching uhhh NARUTO like weebs or something and he even tried the ‘accidental contact’ strategy but you just apologised and moved your hand away (he cries again because he just wants to hold ur hand aw)

-so in the end he’s tried all of the worst flirting strategies ever and not only did none of them work, you didn’t understand aNY of them (although you DID notice he was being a little more touchy than usual) and he’s sitting there wondering what to do because he’s so nervous!!! He’s sure he’ll have to actually confess at this rate and he’s never done it before his poor mc big bro heart is beating so fast!

-you probably notice that he seems to be sweating up a storm and you ask if he��s okay and I think that would do it for him honestly

-he takes a deep breath and is like right.,,ok mr mc big bro u got this in his head and turns to you with the reddest face you’ve seen in a while and blurts out that he really reaaallly likes you and he’s had the biggest crush on you for so long!! and he even tells you how he’d been trying to flirt with you all day (honestly flirting for ichiro is sending the ‘:3′ emoji) but you didn’t notice so he decided to just tell you and he Really hopes you feel the same way

-you’re like “oh…oH” and then it all clicks and you FINALLY understand why he was acting the way he was, and you give him the biggest smile ever because you really like him too!!

-”I really like you too, Ichiro!” and the moment you tell him all his nerves just drop to 0 and he’s SO HAPPY, he doesn’t even register you apologising for not understanding his advances cause he’s too busy trying to believe that this is real and he really just did that and you actually like him back

-and now u r dating ichiro and u guys went to that cheesy romance movie and maybe u smooched him and maybe he cried himself to sleep that night because of how happy he is

-wow this turned into an entire scenario oOPS BUT ANYWAY basically i think ichiro would just confess out of sheer desperation because he’s never really experienced this before and he has no idea how to best handle the situation

-he’s just a big soft nerd idiot but he’s the best big brother ever and we love him anyway :’) ily ichiro ughhh this made me wanna go on so many dates with him

Samatoki

-angery man

-Samatoki would actually be pretty good at flirting honestly, he’s probably had a lot of positive reactions from people in the past so when you don’t really get what he’s implying he like ???? nani the fuck

-he’d probably repeat himself expecting you to get it but you just. don’t and he doesn’t actually know how to react at first.

-he’s not shy when it comes to this stuff, but he does get embarrassed easily when he has to admit his feelings. flirting was so much easier for him because he can just pass it off as not being that deep

-he probably becomes more aggressive with his flirting, like he starts leaning into you more if ya get what i mean

-he just goes with it the first few times it happens, but when you’re continuously oblivious to him he rapidly gets very frustrated, and he becomes more pouty as time goes on and you still just don’t get it!!

-he has trouble expressing his true feelings. he’s such a tsundere oh dear

-he wouldn’t get mad at you though, he really doesn’t want to hurt you even if he does come across as prickly, he just doesn’t really know what to do other than get angry at himself for not just telling you straight away

-you notice he’s feeling down so you ask him what’s wrong and he just blushes and looks away like the dumbass he is. his heart aches when he hears the concern in your voice and he really just wants to tell you. so he mumbles something but you can’t quite hear him, so you ask him to repeat himself and then he turns to you that’s when he confesses to you because he’s tired of feeling like a coward

-he tells you he’s liked you for a while now, and that it’d be fuckin great if you felt the same way otherwise he’d probably never be able to talk to you again (he probably says it all while looking to the side because he’s a stereotypical tsundere when it comes to this and i love him)

-you sort of take a moment to process it, but when it all clicks you realise how much he’d been dropping hints and you’re sorta like damn ok..he’s really smooth im just a dumbass ok but it’s ok cause you guys can both be dumbasses together!!

-he’s still waiting for your response, so you just lean in and kiss him on the cheek and he goes. very red but once he realises that means you feel the same way (it takes him a full 5 seconds), he has the biggest cheesiest grin on his face and gives you a REAL BIG SMOOCH because he’s secretly a pretty big dork

-soft samatoki makes me go sicko mode oh my god

Dice

-DICE’S FLIRTING IS SO STRAIGHTFORWARD AND HE REALLY DOESN’T UNDERSTAND HOW YOU CAN’T REALISE HE HAS A BIG FAT CRUSH ON YOU???

-he’s literally been like “u look hot” and you’re like “aw thanks dice ur the nicest friend!!!!” he literally had question marks in his eyes the entire day

-he has tried EVERYTHING he even used “ya like jaaazzz???” from the bee movie but you thought he was just making a horrible reference and depending on how u feel u either refused to talk to him for the rest of the day or laughed until you cried because he’s such a clown

-he really doesn’t care that much, he’d LOVE to date you but hanging out with you is fine too so he wouldn’t be in the biggest rush to confess. Honestly he’d probably have a blast finding out just how far he can go before you realise how he feels (in a way it’s kinda like gambling cause he never knows when you’re gonna get it ooooo)

-after a few weeks he probably starts to get pretty desperate tho. he sees ur hand once and goes apeshit cause he wants to hOLD IT SO BAD he just wants 2 give u a big soft hug (dice gives the BEST hugs just saying) and now he realises that maybe he should just tell you

-and Dice has no shame, so he does! he goes up to you and is like “hey so uhh..,,,i’ve literally been dropping hints for weeks that I really like you so would you maybe wanna go on a date sometime??”.

-He wouldn’t seem like it, but he is actually a little nervous. After all, he’s some hopeless homeless case addicted to gambling, why would you ever like him back? But for as few brain cells as Dice has, he actually has more sense than the others and thinks that hey, you must like him at least a little to have been hanging out with him for as long as you have

-when you say that you like him a lot too, he feels his heart swell!! he’s really happy and gives you one of his big signature grins. You apologise for being so clueless, you really thought he was just trying to be nice or entertaining in general cause that’s how he is with everyone else

-Dice pulls you in for a Big Dice Hug and assures you that it’s fine, he’s just as bad as you seeing as he still believes literally everything that falls from Gentaro’s mouth despite knowing how he is, and that he had a lot of fun trying to flirt with you using literally any tactics he could think of (even the kabedon didnt work smh)

-dice is such a genuine person i really can’t see him not confessing. he’s just a babey please give him lots of love and food

#hypmic #hypnosis mic #ichiro yamada #samatoki aohitsugi #dice arisugawa #this was so cute #all 3 of them are v good 10/10 guys

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ghost-nabbers-imagines · 5 years

Text

A Family: Part 2.

So this story is set in the past but not in the 80s. I think phones could send videos over message in 2003? So let's say that

Larry and I made our way back into the apartment finding Lisa starting dinner. Hearing us come in she turned around a warm sympathetic smile on her face. "So what's the verdict?" She asked. The two of us walked up to her Larry's arm still around my shoulders. "I think were gonna have and raise the baby." I breathed out feeling Larry squeeze my shoulder in support. "I'm sorry mom we were always careful I promise." Larry said letting go of my shoulder. Lisa wrapped her arms around both of us. "Its ok. What matters now Is that the baby is taken care of and has a family that loves them." She smiled.

When we pulled away from the hug Lisa light smacked Larry on the back of the head. "However that's for not talking to me about any of this." She Said jokingly making both Larry and I laugh. "Oh and (y/n) dear I called your parents and convinced them to come over tonight so we can all talk." She continued before turning around to return to cooking. I sighed taking a deep breath. Larry gave me a reassuring smile and the two of us helped Lisa cook.

Soon enough Ash, Todd, Neil, Chug, Maple, Sal, Henry, and my parents had all joined us. The whole group sat around the coffee table eating the spagheti and meatballs that Lisa had prepared. Everyone was laughing and talking genuinely having a good time. Everyone except my parents who were just kind of listening to something Henry was saying. "I'm gonna go grab some more water." My mother said excusingherself. "I guess I should grab dessert. Larry dear you want to clean up the plates?" Lisa asked getting up from the table and following my mom who had an annoyed look on her face. "I'll help." I smiled getting up.

Larry and I started collecting dishes before entering the kitchen with our moms. Lisa was putting the finishing touch on a pie. Larry started to wash off the dishes as I scraped the food into the trash. "(Y/n) do you have your keys with you? I left something back in the apartment." My mother asked. "Yeah they're in my bag in the living room." I explained beginning to dry the dishes Larry was washing.

My mom walked into the living room and a few minutes I heard her yell my name. Larry, Lisa, and I turned around with the same expression on our faces. "(Y/n) where'd you leave the test?" Larry asked. I frowned pushing the door open to see my parents arguing the pregnancy test in her hand.

"You're pregnant?" My mom asked angrily. "Y-yes I am." I said timidly. "How could you be so stupid? How many times have we had this conversation?" She yelled her face practically as red as a tomato. "This isn't her fault. We didnt mean for it to happen." Larry spoke up wrapping his arm around my shoulders again. "He's the father?! I knew we shouldn't have let you come over here so much!" My mother yelled.

"Now Mrs. (Y/l/n) there's no reason to yell. Lets sit down and talk about rationally." Lisa said calmly. "Dont tell me to be rational! Because of your negligence my daughter is pregnant!" She yelled back. "Mom this isn't Lisa's fault just please calm down." I responded making my mom glare towards me."You're dead punk!" My dad yelled running towards Larry. Larry dodged running out of the way. Henry got up trying to hold my father back.

"We're getting this taken care of tomorrow!" My mother insisted. "Mom we're keeping the baby. I know it's probably not the smartest choice but we're not comfortable giving it away and I dont want to abort it." I explained standing in front of Larry. Both of my parents were fuming. "You don't get to make that call you're only sixteen!" My father shouted. "Let's go (Y/n) now. We need to go home talk about this just the three of us." My mom insisted. I shook my head now noticing the tears that were falling down my cheeks. "Mom Larry is just as much a part of this!" I tried to insist. "I don't care our family needs to talk this over now. " my father insisted. I knew it was no use arguing so I turned and hugged Larry. He hugged me tightly in return before pulling away a couple inches."Its ok just talk to them and explain things. Text me after." He said kissing my forehead while pressing a hand on my belly. I smiled and was dragged out of the apartment by my parents.

When we got back to ours they practically threw me onto to couch. My father went into the kitchen where I couldn't see him and my mother stayed to lecture me.

"Are you crazy what were you thinking?"

"I didn't do it on purpose mom. And I got lucky that its Larry's I mean he wants to be there for both of us."

"You are not having that punk stoner's baby. He'll run out and leave you both behind just like Jim did to him and Lisa!"

"He wouldn't do that!"

"Really? Because it sounds like you two aren't even together as it is. You think that's suddenly gonna change now that you have his spawn growing inside you? And if it does do you really want him to love you out of obligation?"

"Larry isn't like that mom!"

She let out a bitter laugh shaking her head. Although I knew she was just trying to get to me the word obligation spun around my head. She had a point Larry and I weren't even dating. My father reentered the room handing me a cup of tea. "Drink that its Addison tea. It sounds like we all need to take a deep breath." He explained. I took a deep breath and sipped the warm comforting liquid. My parents continued to talk to me about how abortion would be the best option for me. "We have a very powerful friend that could pay for the doctor to come to his house and take for it. The whole thing would take less than 2 hours." My father explained. I continued sipping my tea not really listening to what they were saying. I knew what I wanted.

As i listened to their speech I felt my eyes getting heavier like I was suddenly really tired. I tried to speak but couldn't. My vision was going dark and I could feel my body slipping onto the couch. "We're going to fix this." I heard my father say before I lost consciousness.

-Larry's pov-

I paced around my room for what felt like the millionth time once again checking the time. "She'll message you dear give it time. They have a lot to discuss." My mom said trying to comfort me. I sighed sitting on the couch running my hands through my hair. "But they were so mad when they left what if they do something to her or try to send her somewhere. I have a bad feeling about this." I ranted biting my lip anxiously. My mom smiled at me sympathetically as she went into the kitchen to make something to drink.

I checked my phone again, still no message. Something was wrong I knew it. A distant sound coming from my room made me jump, it sounded like my walkie. I ran into my room grabbing the device to hear Sal's voice on the other end.

"Larry! Pick up man hurry!"

"Sal what's wrong dude?"

"Its (y/n) I'm pretty sure I just saw her parents sneaking out her unconscious body. If we hurry we can still catch them!"

"Fuck ok hang on! Make sure they dont leave!"

I grabbed my red hoodie and barely stepped into my shoes rubbing out into the living room. "Mom I need to borrow the truck! (Y/n)'s in danger!" I yelled grabbing my moms keys. "What? What happened? She asked confused. "No time to explain have to save her!" I called out running out of the apartment. I met with Sal in the parking lot who was ducking behind the truck.

I could see (y/n)'s parents getting into his work van and it looked like she was in the backseat passed out. "What the fuck did they do to her?" I growled under my breath. Sal and I quietly climbed into the truck waiting for them to pull out of the lot before starting after them. There was only a car between us so hopefully they couldn't see us. My fingers were pale white as I gripped the steering wheel tightly. "I swear to god if they hurt her or my baby." I growled suddenly feeling immensely angry that they were taking her.

"It'll be ok Larry we'll save her." Sal tries to assure me putting his small cold hand on my shoulder. I nodded letting out a shaky angry breath. We weren't driving for very long in fact it was a really short drive which all though it isn't uncommon in Knockfell still surprised me. "They pulled into the church." Sal pointed out as the van pulled up behind the church. "Why would they bring her here? I mean you can't pray away being pregnant." I said confused pulling the truck into the front parking lot. Sal sent a text to Henry and my mom letting them know where we were and send help.

The two of us carefully climbed out of the vehicle sneaking into the building. The main hall and service room were both empty but we began to hear some noise from the basement. We crept closer to the top the of the stair case hidden behind the doors. We could see (y/n) laying on a metal table with a machine hooked to her and her arms secured to the table. Her mother was standing by her head soothing her hair back. A man dressed as a doctor was standing in the corner working on some tool while Mr. (Y/l/n) and a man I couldn't place were talking. Sal took out his phone from his pocket and began recording.

"Thank you for your help. We didnt know who else could fix this problem."

"You came to the right place. Many young sinners have been helped in this basement."

"So no one will know what took place here tonight?"

"No. I understand that this choice is just as much against the bible as premarital sex but this community does not need a teen mom walking around especially not carrying the spawn of that Johnson boy."

"Thank you father Phelps. We dont know where we went so wrong with her."

"Let us pray now before Doctor Victor performs the opperation."

Sal and I turned to look at each other shocked and horrified. "Father Phelps that's Travis's dad the preacher." Sal pointed out. I nodded in response. Sal sent the video clearly showing father Phelps with (y/n) in the background, to Ash briefly explaining what to do if we didnt call her in an hour. We were about to creep down when a hand touched my shoulder. I jumped spinning around to see my mom and Henry. The four of us walked down into the basement just in time for their prayer to finish.

"Let her go!" I shouted startling the group. "This isn't any of your business child. The world does not need another Johnson child in world. Especially not one parented by two children." Father Phelps explained motioning for the doctor. "Mrs. (Y/l/n) you know she doesn't want this why are you forcing her to do this?" My mom asked taken back by their cruelty. "Stay out of this Lisa. This wouldnt have happened if she hadn't been around your deliquant son." Her mother spat.

"We're going to solve this problem before it becomes a problem so if you don't mind I'm going to have the doctor begin." Mr. Phelps said snapping his fingers towards (y/n)'s unconscious body. The doctor grabbed a large needle moving towards (y/n). "Don't you fucking touch her!" I yelled running to her side. Her father grabbed a hold of my arms trying to pull me away. Henry tried to go to my aide but was stopped by father Phelps. "Wait! I have footage of you standing in front of (y/n). I've already sent it to some friends of mine and told them if they didnt hear from us in an hour to send it to everyone in town. I dont think it would be good for the community to see the preacher committing such an act." Sal threatened showing the clip on his phone.

Phelps glared at Sal staring into his eyes threateningly. "Are you threatening me boy?" The older man growled. Sal stood strong. I continued to struggle against (y/n)'s father and my mom tried to stand in between (y/n) and the doctor while arguing with her mother. "Do you really think they'll believe the town freak over me?" He scoffed.

"L-larry?" I heard (y/n)'s timid voice call from the table. I yanked myself from the man's arms ran to her side. "Its ok baby . I'm here. I'm not gonna let them hurt either of you, I promise." I assured her placing a kiss on her forehead. "Now that you're awake I'm sorry to say this will hurt a lot more than it would have." The doctor said filling the large needle with a weird looking dark red liquid. "Normally noone would believe me you're right, but the whole school already knows (y/n) is pregnant. If you do this the whole town will know that she got rid of it and that Father Phelps knew it happened. Let Larry and Lisa take her home and you can still get out of this." Sal said being the more logical friend. "That's right one of the girls heard me talking about it in the gym locker room with Ash the next thing we knew everyone was talking about it."( y/n) said weakly. "I'm sorry Mr. (Y/l/n) if it's already out theres nothing I can do. But this isn't over, you young sinners are going to get what's coming." Father Phelps said signaling to the doctor who cleaned up his bag of tools and followed the preacher out.

"I've had enough of this if he won't take care of it then I will! Her father yelled grabbing the needle which had left behind as well as a knife had. I stood in front of her glaring down at the cruel man in front of us. He lunged forward with the knife and I moved to tack him. The knife caught my arm but we both fell to the floor. He kicked me off him before grabbing for the knife again. "You hurt either of them and I swear to god!" I shouted.

"What's it gonna be parents of a pregnant girl who kicked her out or parents of someone who the whole town thinks is a murderer?" Sal asked looking between both parents. "Phelps will throw you under the bus to protect himself so dont think he can protect you." Henry added. "Let's just go (fathers name)." Mrs. (Y/l/n) said grabbing her husband's arm. "You're gonna regret this Johnson. I'll make sure of it." He spat before the two exited the church.

I turned to (y/n) and began helping my mom remove the restraints. The second her arms were free (y/n) hugged onto me still shaking. "Thank you." She kept repeating as she hid her face in shoulder. I could feel her soft tears hitting my skin. I held her tightly trying to soothe her. "Its ok you're safe now. I'm not gonna let them hurt either of you." I promised before pulling away from the hug. I slipped off my hoodie and helped her put it on.

"We should take her to the doctor make sure whatever they gave her didn't harm the baby." My mom pointed out. I nodded putting an arm around (y/n)'s back and the other under her legs. She smiled her beautiful smile wrapping her arms around my neck. I lifted her off the table following the others out. We decided that Henry was gonna take Sal home and mom and I would take (y/n) to the doctor. I thanked Sal and (y/n) gave him a weak hug thanking him well before they drove off. Mom drove the truck while I sat in the passenger seat (y/n) in between us but mostly on my lap. "Thank you guys so much. You literally saved me. But father Phelps is probably going to be after you all now." She said in a quiet almost guilty voice.

"Hey you're family there was no way in hell we were letting them hurt either of you." My mom assured her. "And fuck father Phelps. After what he tried to do to you hes lucky I'm not after him now." I said with an angry tone. (Y/n) cuddled more into my side making me wrap my arms around her. "I'm gonna protect both of you (y/n) I promise." I told her kissing her forehead. My mom smirked at me as we we pulled into the hospital parking lot.

With the exception of dirty looks from several nurses the checkup went fine, both my girl and my baby were ok. The minute the doctor said those words out loud I let out a breath I didnt even know I was holding. "Thank God." My mom breathed out. "Just take her home and let her sleep off the drug. And make sure she stays hydrated." The doctor told me before leaving the room. My mom walked out to ask a couple last questions while I helped (y/n) get dressed.

"Larry there's something I think we should talk about."

"Sure what's up?"

"I know were were just screwing for a bit of fun but now that there's a baby what do you want to do about us? I mean please don't feel obligated to be with me because I'm carrying your child. I really dont want that I just figured we should probably talk about it."

"Of course I want to be with you. And it has nothing to do with obligation. I've liked you for a long time. When we were really drunk and slept together the first time I thought I'd finally be brave enough to ask you out but then the next morning you offered to just be friends with benefits so I chickened out and agreed. I wanted you not just someone to fuck."

She smiled brightly at me hugging me tightly. "I take it you'll be my girlfriend then?" I joked laughing making her giggle and nod into my shoulder. "Well baby mama slash girlfriend." I teased making her lightly shove my shoulder. I helped her down from the table and kept my arm around her as she wobbly walked out into the waiting room where we found mom by the doors. "Let's get home and get some rest it's been a long day." She smiled warmly. We climbed back into the truck and we'd barely pulled out of the parking lot before (y/n) was dozing off on my shoulder.

"So have you guys talked about your relationship at all? I mean it's going to be effected by the baby."

"Yeah actually we just had that talk. I want her to be my girlfriend. I mean I've pretty much been in love with her since I met her."

"You love her?"

"Shit I mean yeah I guess I do. Yeah i love her. Although I should probably take her on a real date before I tell her that."

"Well I guess since shes already pregnant it would be ok if she moves into your room with you. Just please try to cool it Lar Bear."

"Ok mom I will and thanks for letting her stay."

"Even though I'm way too young to be a grandmother it will be nice to have a baby around the apartment again."

"I hope I can be the kind of father this baby deserves. Not like I have very much to go off of."

"You're not your father sweet heart. You're already doing a great job. But in speaking of fathers I do think you and Sal should go pick up her clothes and stuff tomorrow. She shouldn't go back there alone."

"Hell no shes not going back there alone. They arent going anywhere near her or our baby."

Pretty soon we were back at the apartments and I had gotten (y/n) inside and on my bed. I replaced her skinny jeans with a pair of my sweatpants that could be tightened on her waist. The legs hung loosely on her but at least she was comfortable. I laid next to her in bed holding her while tracing my fingers across her belly.

"I'm not gonna let anything happen to either of you kid I promise. And I'm gonna stick around and be there for you. You're not gonna grow up without a dad like I did."

~Lex💛

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pskills95 · 4 years

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My experience being in a Toxic/Emotionally Abusive Relationship

To everyone reading this or who comes across this post... I wanted to touch up on this story and share it to you all in the hopes that any male or female who is or has experienced this knows that they aren’t alone and there is always help available and someone to talk to,and you should never feel afraid to walk away from a situation that feels wrong and doesn’t make you happy. I know I felt afraid to even open up about this but this is what I went through and I am stronger than I have ever been. I was a victim of a toxic relationship that involved many forms of emotional abuse which lasted for about half a year. I don’t want to bash this person and say that he’s evil because I genuinely think he needs to work on himself, however, he did cause me a lot of emotional trauma and made me feel like I couldn’t walk away. The manner in which he protrayed his love for me involved a lot of emotional blackmailing and guilt tripping in order to control me. I know a lot of this behaviour stemmed from his intense amount of low self esteem and insecurity. I cared about this individual so much and I stuck through this because I thought I could help change his insecurities, but in the end I could not. He was always seeking for validation throughout the entirety of the relationship and asked if we were okay and if I had loved him, (questions of those sorts). He would constantly put himself down and call himself ugly and praised me instead while I had to reassure him that he was fine the way he was. This was a very obvious sign of insecurity and a red flag that I knew wasn’t right. He also was a very jealous person who got upset at any kind of attention that I got from males which could have been positive or negative, he made it seem like no one else deserved to have my attention except for him. He hated the fact that I hugged my friends who were males or gave them a harmless touch on their shoulder...there were fights that stemmed from this and ignited his insecurity about himself even more. It just seemed like I couldn’t have males as friends despite the ones I had been close to for numerous amounts of years. I felt like I was being controlled and to stay away from these men who I genuinely had good friendships with. He always made me feel bad because he would say things like “you’re the only girl i look at, I don’t even bat an eye at anyone else”. I understand that having friendships with the opposite sex can be troublesome but if you know your boundaries and limits, there is no reason why your partner can’t trust you. I came across this problem many times and it just got to the point where I stopped telling him which friends I was hanging out with. He always wanted to know where I was and what I was doing if I wasn’t by his side and it was always overwhelming and too much for me to handle. Constantly getting upset if I didnt text him back right away, or if I ignored his phone calls. He did not understand space and how to leave me alone. It was very obsessive and almost a burden for me to even want to speak to him. He would get upset if I didn’t reply back to a snapchat or if I posted things on my story without responding to him first; basically just getting angry at things that were not a big issue. If I didn’t text him goodmorning or goodnight it was always a problem and was brought up in such a passive aggressive behaviour. If there was things I told my friends that I didn’t tell him, it was always a problem, he always wanted to know everything first and would feel so offended when I did not confide in him. I didn’t understand why he put this on me to always tell him all the details about my personal life. We all have things we tell only our closest friends and not our significant other. I couldn’t be myself at all and felt so much restriction all the time. It got to the point where he went through my phone once behind my back without my knowledge and read all my messages looking for a reason to start fights with me and make matters worse when I had done nothing wrong. He did not respect my privacy at all and I couldn’t leave my phone around him anymore and had to change my passwords. I felt so violated and mistrusted due to his own insecurities. When we got into fights, they were never just fights that a normal couple has, I always had to apologize for my behaviour, even when I knew that I didn’t have to. When I knew I was wrong, I would admit to them and apologize sincerely. However, there were times when his insecurities about me made him so angry to the point where he blamed me for how he’s acting and said things like “If you didn’t do this then I wouldn’t be acting this way”, basically pushing all the blame on me instead of recognizing that his behaviour could be controlled. There was an incident that I could never forget where I was sitting in his passenger seat as he sat there yelling at me on the top of his lungs, bashing things in his car including his steering wheel and throwing things while looking me dead in the eyes with so much anger and hatred making me feel so small and belittled. At one point I feared that maybe I might get hit in the face or even worse...I never saw someone act this way to me before in my entire life and it triggered one of the worst panic attacks I’ve ever experienced, and this wasn’t the first time he did this to me. Even though he apologized for those actions and said he could never lay a finger on me, I always had that fear in the back of my mind and that situation scarred me mentally. His anger was something that I was genuinely afriad of and wanted to stay away from. I did everything I could to avoid that side of him because it was ugly. I wasn’t perfect in the relationship and I made mistakes but they were always thrown back into my face over and over again. He would never let things go or live it down. Constantly bringing up people from my past, bringing up relationships, mistakes I’ve made and making me feel terrible and bringing down my own self esteem. He would make these sarcastic jokes about things he knew would trigger a response and sometimes even start a fight which would obviously become my fault. I was getting sick and tired of hearing these comments and he never understood how much they hurt me. No one wants to hear things get thrown back at their face to make them feel like shit. He had an extremely bad habit of pointing out all the things he did for me and that if I left this relationship there wouldn’t be anyone else who would treat me the same way. He made this very clear and would always say things like “look at all the things I’ve done for you, I’ve gone to great lengths to make you happy and this is what you do”. The emotional blackmailing always happened in this manner and I always felt guilty. He used his emotions and his “love” for me as a way to manipulate me into staying and sticking around. I always felt like I was the bad person because I felt I had done nothing right and that I couldn’t make him happy no matter what I did. I was always in a constant battle with myself about leaving this relationship or staying, and I didn’t have the heart to walk away because that is exactly what he wanted from me. He would tell me time and time again that I was the reason for his happiness and that I gave him purpose to live. Again this was a red flag that I should have spotted sooner because at the end of the day, true happiness comes from within yourself and your partner should not be the sole reason for that. He had told me to my face that I made up more than 80% of his happiness and he didn’t know what the other percentage was. This was pure manipulation and selfishness because he was putting the burden on me as a person to stick around because I was the reason he smiled. I had this responsibility to stay otherwise things would go sideways, and this was emotional blackmailing at it’s finest. At the end of the day, my feelings were never accounted for or taken into consideration. He would turn down my emotions and would tell me that I wasn’t thinking with a clear mind or that this isn’t how I really feel and I should take time to think about things. When in reality, I knew exactly how I felt in that moment but it never matterd to him, because he wanted to be in control of the situations that happened. He controlled my behaviours in ways I didn’t think were possible. He always gave me lectures and treated me like I was some child who didn’t know what they were doing. The decisions I made for myself personally for some reason affected him so much and would talk down about not only what I did in my free time but also my friends. He would tell me that my friends don’t do anything for me and that they’re bad influences and that he was the only good person in my life who looks after me and means well. He never met my family and friends and had the audacity to tell me who I should be hanging out with and who I shouldn’t and why these people are bad for me. I just never understood why my life choices affected him so badly when it had nothing to do with him. It angered me that he didn’t let me be with my friends without getting lectures. He blamed my friends when we got into fights as well which didn’t make sense because they also had nothing to do with it, I am my own person and can make these choices for myself about what I want to discuss and what I don’t. Alongside him having problems with my friends, he always made it his job to remind me how much he puts me above everyone else and that he makes me his number one priority. And to be very clear, I never asked him to treat me like his number one, I never asked him to do anything for me other than treat me with respect (but again this would come back and bite me in the ass). You shouldn’t have to make your partner a priority until things get super serious and ya’ll are planning on getting married, that’s when things get down to real priorities. My priorities were different than his. I have a good social life and like to spend my time with family and friends as much as I can, or just stay at home to relax for some peace and clarity. He never wanted to make time to go see his friends because all he wanted to do was hangout with me and when I wanted to hang out with my friends it was ALWAYS a problem and this caused multiple fights in the duration of this relationship. It’s almost as if he was trying to get me to himself so that no one else could have time for me. I started to despise this about him because there were times that I picked him over my family and friends when I didn’t have to. He always made me feel guilty that I didn’t spend enough time with him. I saw him quite frequently throughout the week and sometimes that was more than enough for me but it was never enough for him. It wasn’t enough for him to see me only once or twice a week. It was always this constant neediness of him wanting to be around me and spending time. I know couples who have been together for years and don’t spend that amount of time like I was being forced to. It was this type of controlling behaviour that I was not okay with. Overtime my love and affection started to go away because of all the incidents that kept occuring to me, I felt like I had no way out and that I would be trapped in this relationship forever. I just didn’t know what to do. Everytime we fought, he used his emotions and these tactics to reassure me that everything would be okay and that we wouldn’t have these fights again...and I believed him all the time. He had this habit of gifting me items, taking me out or just showing overly amounts of affection as a means of making up for the fights that we had. Spending excessive money that I never wanted him to fully knowing what his financial situation was, he would go above and beyond to try and impress me to make me “happy”. Also a red flag because he was buying my happiness in a way with materialistc things in the hopes that I would stick around and stay in this relationship. His efforts were not genuine because like I’ve said before they were always used against me. Anytime we went out, I always offered to pay because I didn’t feel right having him pay. He would refuse to let me pay and would get upset if I even tried, I only got away with paying a few times and I had to force those payments. I didn’t feel equal in this relationship and it wasn’t fair to me at all because I knew him spending this money was going to be a reason why I shouldn’t leave because he does “nice things”. I always felt like I was not in the position to fight back and always gave into what he said and his demands and to continue to give him more chances over and over again. I knew that I shouldn’t have but I still did. It’s hard to walk away when you care, I learned this the hard way and wish I stood up for myself sooner. The emotional blackmailing got worse when threats started coming into the picture. He would make sly comments about making my life miserable if things went sour and he would make it hard for me to go about my days. He also threatened me with his own life multiple times and specifically said that if I was no longer in his life that there was no reason for him to even live anymore. He would always make threats about how he would hurt himself as a means of making me responsible for his actions. This was one of the worst ways he manipulated me with his emotions and I felt like I had no choice but to stay. Do you know what it feels like when someone threatens suicide? I was too afriad to walk away because I couldn’t imagine...”what if?”. I never ever wanted to be responsible for someone’s death, but ultimately these threats made me realize that he needs help because he relied on me as his happiness too much. He lacked so much self love and self esteem that he was seeking that from me. I couldn’t be responsible for any of it anymore. I knew he had a lot of growing up to do and that if he wasn’t capable of loving himself and being happy with himself, how could he be happy with another person. I had been nothing but honest about how I felt about the relationship and that my feelings were just not the same anymore. The person I had become wasn’t the version that I had liked and all my close friends had seen that positive person change. I wanted to work on myself and just be alone to focus on getting better and to heal. I no longer wanted to feel controlled, I no longer wanted to feel trapped, I was not happy anymore and I wanted out. I finally gave myself freedom and couldn’t have been happier. Even though my side of the story hasn’t been told to everyone until now, and although I might get backlash for coming out with this, I know what my truth is and I know what I experienced within this time. I would never lie about something as serious as this and I couldn’t imagine someone else doing the same. I just hope that with time there is betterment and healing for everyone. Abuse isn’t something that is just physical but also emotional, I didn’t go into details about everything because I could have....but these were some of the things I felt were important enough to disclose and talk about because I know I’m not the only person who has gone through these toxic behaviours. No one deserves to go through it and everyone deserves a voice to be heard and listened to. Thank you for taking the time to hear me out and to actually read this and maybe understand me better. Much love and appreciation all around, god bless❤️

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beesbooksblog-blog · 5 years

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BBR #1-”Flawed” by Kate Arelynn

I decided to start this series after i finished this book, however it’s been 3 weeks since ive finished it, so admittedly my memory is a little fogged on what exactly i hated about it. ill do my best though. sorry about the lack of punctuation and capitalization :/. tumblr showed me how to bold and italicize things but i dont remember. haha nvm im acting like anyone will read this lmao. this is for my own enjoyment. moving on

“flawed” is genuinely one of the worst books if not the worst book ive ever read, ever. well i guess thats not entirely true since i totally ate it up within two weeks but from a logical perspective its bad in my opinion.

its hard to really review this having read it so long ago but ill recall best i can.

-SPOILERS-

again, like anybody besides myself is reading this.anyways, i went into this book very hopeful. the storyline seemed very interesting, the synopsis on the back of the novel describing the relationship between two siblings. the older brother protecting his younger sister from their abusive father and asking for seemingly incestuous affection in return. not saying i like abuse or incest, but like most people touchy taboo subjects as such are fascinating to read and watch about.

my first major problem with this book was its representation of child abuse and the way it takes a very generic stereotypical approach. I’m not saying there arent cases where the abusive dad is a raging drunk who beats his kids with his belt for no reason all the time because that absolutely happens, its just not usually like that in real life. often times abusers can be manipulative and more 3 dimensional than so many novels make them out to be. (3 dimensional as in, they are able to be nice or even compassionate whether it be for their own personal gain or not. not in a they are good people who nobody understands 3 dimensional way). i guess thats a picky critique but im so tired of reading about the same abusive dad in these ya novels.

second major problem was the character of james. i dont feel like the book necessarily glorified his behavior but it didnt exactly reprimand it either. either way, his manipulative controlling actions were just unpleasent to read about. throughout the book i got increasingly frusterated with how awful of a person he was and while i dont think the author was shedding his behavior in a positive light i still feel like the tone of the novel was to make me feel like sarah was in the wrong for wanting to be with sam because james would be hurt. its so rediculous.

and then of course, sam. I HATE PERFECT BOYS WITH SAD BACK STORIES. do they exist? yeah, i guess so. but its so easy to write a catchy book just by putting an attractive love interest who has issues in it. sam is not a bad character per say, i think hes cheaply written but it didnt pain me to read his interactions with sarah in the same way james did. i honestly dont love to read about romance and relationships so most of the scenes with james and sarah were cringey but thats kind of my own problem. i think he was really dramatic alot for no reason “omg lets get married” but whatever. also him purposely trying to get james to walk in him and sarah having sex was questionable but it was barely addressed so :/

okay my next problem was the super unnecessary amount of sex or passages relating to sex in this book? it literally just feels the author forgot what the book was supposed to be about and just started writing spin off twilight. on my life there is almost no incest in this book. james clearly has a weird crush on sarah but sarah does not give him any affection (unless shes sleeping oml). theres more incest between sarah and her dad than there is with her and james which is not what i came to read about. (but seriously, the climax with sarahs dad trying to rape her was awful and disgusting, there literally couldve been a different way to get rid of him). but yeah i knew they were gonna have sex so it could do the whole protagonist is insecure about her body thing but did they need to do it more than once and did it need to be talked about so frequently?\

there is so much more to talk about like their mom, the ENDING (jesus), but this book is just tiring to write about. overall, the writing was bad, sometimes it was actually laughably bad which i suppose is good because atleast i got some entertainment from it. i knew this book was bad one chapter in which is so sad because i really did have alot of hope for this one.

im not gonna rate the books i review because thats alot of thinking but on my TBR i give each book a check, ex, or squig after i finish it and this one gets a phat ex.

most quotable line: “not when sams tongue is exploring my mouth”

lmk what other books i should add to my TBR!

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aphcupcake · 6 years

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OC Name: Miko Hirokei

Age (Birthday?): 20-22 [12/21] - Late teens/Early adult when recruited

Original Village/Background: The Land of Permafrost of the Yukigakure.

Miko was born for the simple fact her physical being could withstand and contain the beast that terrorized the borders of the two villages. Once the beast was sealed within her, she was given up by her parents, giving her to two surrogates that pretended to be her parents but were high ranked Shinobi entrusted with her care and training for her to be used as a weapon in a possible shinobi war. The beast was given the ironic name of the Yuki-Onna, it was a frightening beast as most who encountered it died a icy death and could still be found in their last positions as they were frozen solid.

Her training lead her to take the Chunin exams with a team she knew for less than a month and ranked up fast, eventually becoming an A.N.B.U. around her mid teen years due not only her skill but dedication to protect the village she loved. She was even recognized by the village leaders to be an important asset to them.

She never questioned any mission she was on and was thorough when it came to discreetly taking out anyone who posed a threat; every death looking as if the person passed from hypothermia and frostbite. She was effective and the chakra boost she gained from the monster inside of her made her a force to be reckoned with. She had gained the respect from the village she loved so much and those who didn’t know the truth about her showered her in gifts and praise when they saw her. She was genuinely happy and worked harder to upkeep everyone’s expectations..

She was kept from the files of her origins, it didnt last for very long. She knew her ‘parents’ weren’t hers; their appearances didnt match hers in the slightest. During the night she broke into the most sensitive files of the village; what she found out made her entire body freeze, metaphorically and physically. She left the room before she was found and went off to find her real parents, hoping that they would want to get to know her after seeing all of her accomplishments. She was wrong. They started screaming and yelling about how she was a mistake and how she wasn’t theirs due to her birthing reasons. Her heart broke into thousands of pieces. She left their home quietly and set out on a personal mission. She waited for the village leaders next to attend an important meeting, in her ANBU uniform with the mask, and immediately dispatched all of the leaders. She didn’t make a clean getaway, instead she made sure to leave a mess behind, leaving a note. She didn’t have any qualms of leaving the village soon after, leaving the frozen lands she knew and began her travels under a false name, Maiko. She’s listed down in the Shinobi bingo book as “Do Not Engage” as she is a expert dragging out battles with those out for her before toying with him and killing them.

Appearance: Images above drawn by Me. Better sta.sh link to better Res

Powers: She has a dual chakra nature for being from the Snow village, both wind and water. She can super cool any water jutsu she knows into ice, altering its original purpose and vice versa for super cooling the wind with water. She uses both the Snow release style and Ice release style jutsu; always working on ways to make them more and more potent. Her skills mostly are to hinder and tire out the opponent then going in for the kill. The more and more she fights with a person, the more snow will start to form around them, making her jutsus more potent as the snow was filled with her chakra. Her trump card jutsu is a personal creation called “Hyoton: Yuki-Musume” It creates an impenetrable snow storm that can be as isolated as five meters in diameter or can get to roughly 30 meters depending how strong she needs it. She uses the snow storm to strike, using Yuki Henge Yusuo no Jutsu to come at the enemy from multiple directions; disorienting them then knocking them out she needs them for information, or killing them if they pose a threat to her personal being or to her mission.

The beast inside of her gives her not only an expansive chakra reserve and stamina boost but also a strong resistance to the cold. Unfortunately this can be used against Miko as she is very susceptible to extreme heat and Katon jutsus. The heat can weaken her quite a bit but only makes her that much more aggressive towards whoever is attacking her. The beast; who she lovingly calls Yukina, refuses to let her die and when she is overly exhausted it will slowly freeze her body into mild coma after a major fight to speed up the recovery process. It will throw off those who arent familiar with her but once she is mostly recovered she will “thaw” out and act as if nothing had happened.

Personality:

She finds fun in a good fight, jovial at times with the right people once she’s comfortable; will make jokes and whatnot. She’s normally pretty easy to get along with; she’s very calm and compromisable on most things. Though will not hesitate to question motives if it doesnt align with what she thinks is the best course of things. Its caused plenty of infighting when she was a chunin and jounin but didnt hesitate to still do her job. She doesnt see shinobi as black and white, only as grey do to their leaders pulling the strings so she doesnt blame those who try to carry out their missions; only those who gave he missions and caused the loss of life. She has no qualms with killing at her age and has no hesitations unless its a small child or someone she knows is truly innocent.

Motivations/Goals:

To take down the very village that deceived her from the day she was born and rebuild it to what she believes is the right way.

Nail Polish Colour (VERY IMPORTANT): icy blue

Ring Kanji (message me if you need help picking a kanji!): 冷 - Cold

Is it ok for other people to make art of your OC?: totally! Just shoot me a a mention in the post or tag me in the tags!

Is it ok for other people to use your OC in fanfic? Yeah! I’m so for it! send me a link to it too or shoot me a message if you want clarification on Miko’s character! I’ve had her as an OC since I was 12 and she’s like a child to me!

Any other notes:

Her fighting style could be somewhat compared to dancing, her movements being extremely fluid to those who are watching from the sidelines. She uses a segmented staff with an open ring in the middle; the metal on the ring and chains being highly chakra conductive and she uses it to flash freeze parts of the opponent to slow down their mobility.

When she is getting the boost from Yukina, parts of her skin will begin to frost, or freeze, over. It being a side effect of the beast being inside of her. It mostly numbs any pain she would feel for a short time before the cold would start to burn her instead. Its not meant for a long time boost.

She was recruited while travelling through the waterfall village. Itachi and Sasori were dispatched to recruit due to both being able wield fire, Kakuzu was dispatched on a bounty run once again. It was definitely a battle either side were expecting. It ended up in more or less a draw, Miko’s ice heavily damaging Sasori’s puppet joints and Itachi’s katon burning her more than once. Her being recruited was for there to be a large jutsu range for the Akatsuki to have in their arsenal. She would be paired up at random with preexisting members for certain missions.

There are certain interactions between herself and other Akatsuki members. Her and Konan have a mutual high respect for each other. Both strong willed women who have unknown potential. She’d do anything Konan would ask with little to no hesitation. She has a mild distrust of and respect for the artist duo, she respects their dedication to their craft but they an easily counter her abilities so she keeps a small distance while friendly. She and Itachi work well together, the biting cold and the severe heat of their combos being a deadly force together. She works best surprising with Kisame and Kakuzu, their natural chakra natures blending well with her own. She has a hard time working with Hidan however, him not sticking to plans and going off on his own making it hard to truly get the missions done as quickly as possible; their pairing up would be a very rare team up. She’s only spoken to Pein a handful of times between missions, not having any good or bad feelings towards him; just very neutral with a respect you give a higher ranked officer. She’s only seen and spoken Zetsu a few times, him just only really passing along the message that she’s needed for a mission.

#more akatsuki female ocs project #my art #my oc #Miko Hirokei #Naruto #Naruto Shippuden #Naruto Oc #Naruto Shippudden OC #Akatsuki OC

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thoughtsandeverythingelse · 3 years

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reconciliation

tbh didnt have the intention of journaling this down, but i guess it was a lesson to be learnt.

over the weekend, i had a disagreement with the last person i ever thought i would disagree.

basically, he messed up. he committed to something that clearly he had no capacity to, but instead of communicating it to me - he chose to just stick it up.

this resulted in it backfiring, in turn affect me, and the leaders under us.

i ended up taking up the responsibility, because he clearly had no capacity to do so. i felt that it was unfair, because that gave me such little lead time, which he could have prepared for. at the same time, it really affected what the leaders could learn.

it didnt help that it made me feel so flustered and overwhelmed. it felt like he just abandoned all responsibility to me, leaving me to cover his shit just cause he had a fun night.

it took a while to realise that i was affected. we called in the morning, and he apologised. said he wont do it again. took responsibility, and was accountable to his actions. tries to overcompensate because he felt guilty.

i thought i was okay. but the sight of him during contact time - just irked me.

the sight of his face, his presence - i wanted nothing to do with him. i wanted him to leave, because how dare you bring yourself in, thinking everything is alright - all righteous, when you had to leave me to deal with this?

he tried texting me during the session itself. then the session after. he tried showing me his support during master teaching, but i just wanted him to back off.

i didnt want to have anything to do with him, i wanted him to shut up and leave. dont try to make this all better, just because you feel guilty. i dont want your guilt-ridden actions. i dont want to be a part of this.

he texted me again after the whole day ended. i chose not reply.

i did it because i was so upset with him. i knew that if i had to reply, i might say things that would potentially hurt him. did you not know, you hurt me? was our time not important? is ministry not important? am i not important? how could you do this to me? you tell me you ‘love me’ and you will ‘not do anything to jeopardise my fear’ when the year started, where is that attitude now?’ out of everyone, how could you, hurt me?

but all of me knows, that is hurtful. all of me knows, if i said that to him, he would be crushed with guilt. then he might potentially want to do actions just to ‘please me’, to feel less guilty. not because he wants to serve with me well, but because he want to serve me well.

and i dont want it. i dont want your guilt-ridden service.

“hey is everything fine?” yea everything is fine. whats up “you sure?”

yea. i think i need a time out.

i knew that if i didnt call for that, i might really hurt him. i might say things that i dont mean, that i wanted him to back off, to leave me and give me my space to think. to be upset, and to be hurt. all of me knows, i really needed the time out.

but all of me also knows, i want him to be hurt. genuinely. i wanted him to be hurt, for the same amount he hurt me. i wanted him to feel the hurt and the anguish i had to go through.

but also all of me knows, that is not loving. that is not godly, and that is totally unfair for him. after all, he just made one small mistake. its not like he cheated on me, or he totally abandoned the whole ministry and not showed up. he just had way too much of a fun night, totally let go of his responsibilities and just had enjoyed it.

a part of me wished he did not enjoy the night. thats probably because i knew that while he was enjoying, i was up thinking about this. worry about what his plan would be.

i am not sure what happened to his head space when i called for a time out. but either way, in his words, the ball was in my court.

either way, he would have been in a losing situation. if he set the time for me to be ready, it would seem that he did not give me my space. but because i made the call, then his lack of response would seem like he is not being initiative. he would lose, either way.

i am surprised at how much this affected me. maybe because a part of me was surprised, at how high of a pedestal i placed him. rather, that my expectations of him and his character - were completely torn that night. i totally did not expect how far and how much he would disappoint me.

i cried with the anger i was feeling, because i also felt that it was unjust for my leaders. it was not fair, that their learning had to be subpar because their leader was not ready. at the same time, i felt so unfair that he threw everything to me, while he had a good night.

eventually, i had a nice small cry, took a nap and went for a run. i was wondering, what went through his mind in the those 4 hours. things i would wonder: how are you doing? did you spiral? were you upset? how did you feel? what is going through your mind?

my mind was struggling to think of him as a friend, a co-leader, and a potential romantic partner. am i okay with this attitude, and how does this affect my view of him?

during my run, i knew that i was dragging this a lot longer than i expected. it might have been pure anguish for him, i am not sure. but i knew that i needed the run, and i needed my space.

eventually, i decided to put this to rest - because i didnt want to carry this into the new week.

mustering all my courage, i dropped him a text saying that we should talk tonight. what shall we talk about? i dont know. am i prepared? i am unsure either. probably not.

we finally got on the call. he looks tired. ‘what are we going to talk about’

we both were clueless. we both thought both parties had something to say, when neither had no idea what to say.

eventually, i found out how he was feeling. he mentioned he felt horrible the whole day, to the point where he just didnt want to do anything. that made me feel a bit better, ngl. it felt nice to know you suffered too.

there were many instances i wanted to say things that were hurtful. but i knew, that i cannot use blaming language. to make him feel hurt, or to say things to put him down. i knew very well, if i said it - my intention was to hurt. and that to me, was not loving. what’s the point of saying all of this, when there is literally no purpose?

i have no reason to make you feel hurt, because i know, that you are already hurt. that you feel bad, and you feel guilty. perhaps that to me, was enough.

i told him how i felt. not absolutely honest feelings, because he was already feeling as bad as it is. but just matter of the fact, objective thoughts.

i felt flustered, i felt overwhelmed. i felt that it wasnt fair for the leaders, that they learnt nothing. the personal side of me wants to care for how he’s feeling, but the objective side of me felt so hurt from what he did, knowing his thoughts would have irked me.

he apologised. that he didnt wish that i would have gone through that. that he was sorry for putting me through this.

what more can i say? he took responsibility, and he apologised. if i had to elaborate any further, i knew my intentions might have been ill. i tried to keep it as objective as possible.

but more importantly, how could i be so critical, when i know that the Lord would forgive him? that his Grace is truly enough, and who am i to deny that?

how can i hold onto this anger and disappointment, when it would have been so selfish and unloving for me? how could i deny His grace, His patience and His mercies?

i had every right to be upset, no doubt. but i dont think i have the right to hurt him, to guilt trip him or to manipulate him.

better still, i dont want it. i dont want his overcompensation. perhaps i would rather consistency - but then again, that is a personal expectation which he might fail me.

i guess another part of me is also upset because he promised at the start of the year that he would try to make my worries not come true. that he will do whatever it takes to make it work. and his one small action of not giving a shit for one night, just broke that consistent part of his character, that i trusted.

do i still look at him any less, after today?

i told him no. but i think a part of me doesnt think thats true.

i cannot deny, i am hurt. that your action, made me doubt your character, and your consistency. it feels like a two steps forward, one step back kinda move.

does that mean to say, he wont change? i dont think so. i believe i should still be understanding and open enough to trust that he can be otherwise. and should anything change again, perhaps it would speak more of his character, more than mine.

so jesus, when i say - i leave my thoughts, my feelings and my actions unto you, i want to mean it.

and thank you for using this as an opportunity for the both of us to learn more about ourselves, and each other.

please guard my heart, my thoughts and everything else that flows from it.

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irregulardiaryposts · 3 years

Text

00:53 21/06/2021

Hello again <3

so i think im gonna write about my mental health today because i dont feel like i have anyone who understands fully apart from myself maybe so i need to Organise my Thoughts. as a kid i had a pretty normal childhood, a mum a dad and a brother - pretty nuclear right. but as a child i felt like my family maybe wasnt quite right, that this wasnt supposed to be what family is? perhaps. - i was scared of my mum a lot because she wasnt very understanding of me - and i was a great kid, never getting into trouble, very good at school, no issues whatsover. the thing that really shows how i thought of my relationship with my mum was when i was like maybe 8 or so having a parents night and at it my teacher had nothing bad to say apart from i was kinda bossy in group settings (im sure i dont need to explain how misogynistic that actually is- i was not bossy i was a natural leader) and when i got home my mum told me off for that and i felt like she was kinda cold to me and not taking all the good things about me into consideration when telling me off for that.

i feel like thats a really defining moment in my life when i realised i cant expect adults to Understand me, realised how people treat young girls, also started my defiant behaviour maybe or was kinda one of the key moments that made me dislike certain authorities in my life, that if people wont understand me regardless of how i explain myself then i wont bother trying to be understood by people who wont matter to me. anyway yes i was scared of my mum-like petrified sometimes- but my dad wasnt great either, he also had his shortcomings. i feel like he never really cared about me like he was kinda apathetic towards raising me like a parent - i feel he would be better suited as an uncle to someone rather than a dad - the funny childish guy that makes kids laugh -not the uncaring dad that cant be bothered to really learn about his kids. and i feel im sitting here complaining about my parents when the fact is that a lot of adults should never be parents, society has conditioned people into thinking the only way to be fulfilled in life is to live vicariously through your kids when life gets to such a boring and monotonous place where you feel the need to create a new life to spice things up lmao. i feel a lot of parents regret having kids but they cannot express that regret because it was their choice and they should deal with that, also saying you regret it would be pretty horrible to the kid.

so while yes i am complaing about my parents i dont think they were Bad in any way just not that great yaknow. also i just notice all these things growing up and i feel its been pretty impactful to understanding myself and my parents. also just some anecdotes from my childhood - i used to watch my dad play video games like the uncharted games i think theyre called, and whenever i got scared i used to hide behind the couch until the scary part was over (usually a lot of guns and high energy fight scenes thats too much adrenaline for a 7 yo) and sometimes when i would take out my dad/brothers game i would get them to fo the hard parts and do other stuff myself - i dont remember many games i played apart from one of the spidermen games where u could just web around the city and not progress apart from sometimes you would come across some strippers and i accidently got into a fight with them (also hot women with umbrellas they use to fight- maybe i went near them on purpose) i would yell to my dad and get him to do it for me. also on new years eve whenever my mum was working and we werent going to any family parties we would make a bunch of food and put it out in the kitchen - wed make like homemade onion rings, chips, have crisps and dips, and a bunch of junk basically and watch like austin powers or some shit and genuinely miss those times they were so simple. but a lot of thats tainted now from what happened. also my brothers always been annoying as shit but when we were kids we couldnt be in the same room without arguing which like whatever thats how kids are esp brothers and sisters for some reason.

i think thats majority of the background needed for the rest. wait this is a little addition but i meant to mention this here so ill put it in- basically sometimes on holidays i would geniunely think my parents hate each other/ were getting a divorce like once when we were in florida in 2012 my dad convinced my mum (as well as me and my brother convinced her since we liked them) we convinced her to go on a water slide thing that u had to walk up the stairs for, it was outdoors, and it was kinda tall and then we got in one of the big donut things and it swooshed from side to side a lot and was generally pretty scary i suppose for someone who doesnt like rides esp since you had to hold on to the handles there were no buckles or anything, and so when we got off the ride my mum was big mad at my dad and like wouldnt talk to him and stuff like that which was pretty uncomfortable to have to be the 8 year old mediator of that but there was also another occasion i think (maybe also at florida) where they were made at each other and i asked my mum if they were getting divorced and all she said was 'ask ur dad' like???? no sort of consolation to this child who thinks their parents hate each other nooo just petty 'ask him' and theres also been other times when they fight/ are mad and they dont feel the need to hide it from us so i felt quite anxious around my parents sometimes.

so ahnyway . yes. when i had just turned 13 my parents split up and it fucked me up in a multitude of ways. also i cant beleive i stopped being a proper kid at 13, like as soon as i turned a teenager life hit me like a fucking truck. so the context as to why they split is still kinda lost to me ngl but they didnt tell me much anyway since i was young but my mum basically said my dad didnt love her anymore and he wanted to separate. its kinda funny because leading up to this my dad had been sleeping in the living room for like a few weeks and there was on and off fighting i could hear and i basically thought they were fighting over me and that i was in trouble and it kinda used to keep me up coz i could hear loud voices when they thought i was asleep- which is probably the cause of why i get veryyyy mad and angry when i hear my mum at like 1 am downstairs when shes drinking and im trying to sleep, probably something ive internalised (is that the word?) and made me respond so strongly to those type of noises.

anywayyyyy yes i thought i was in trouble when they were actually just getting a divorce so ... yeah you can really tell i was young and didnt understand adult issues or really couldnt figure this out myself from all the arguing and him sleeping downstairs lmao. anyway my dad moved out and it was just me my mum and my brother now and at this point my brother wouldve been about to turn 18, so although still kinda shit, not really as affected my it as a 13 yo, just to keep in mind. so i was devastated obviously and my whole world was kinda shattered but i had to hold it together a bit, also i was sometimes my mothers own therapist having to say things like 'everything happens for a reason' 'itll get better' in response to her deteriorating mental health and her questions that would be really hard for me to answer like 'why did he leave' etc (bish im a child be there for me not wallow in ur own pity, u have ur whole life to sort this out youre an adult, im a 13 you and only months away from wanting to kms hun think of ur CHILD please) anyway this left me feeling like a burden if i were to share my mental state because when my mum shared her stuff she was burdening me (AGAIN i was 13 she is an adult) so that made me bottle a lot of things up also the fact that i had no one to share it with because she works as a nurse and now shes a single mother and so she works almost all hours of most days and i dont see her much, my brother was either working at this time or just didnt give enough of a shit about me to make sure i ate.

i went from being catered to for every meal because i didnt know how to cook to suddenly no one being there for me so i had to learn how to do it myself. needless to say that lead to a bunch of unhealthy eating habbits like eating the same things every day - frozen pizza, cheese toasties, i cant think of anything else probs because i didnt make anything else just ate chocolates or didnt eat breakfast coz i woke up at 2pm. just general unhealthyness both in substance and like how healthy that was for my head yk. also this is during the summer btw so it gave me the option to be incredibly depressed - im not saying that as an edgy teen thing to say im being 100% genuine i was very depressed like textbook style - not eating or overeating, not showering/ taking care of myself, extreme lack of energy and hated doing social things coz i had to put on a farce that i was okay meanwhile i couldnt wait to get into my bed and sleep the next day and a half away.

i very vividly remember at the start of the summer holiday my friend asked me if i wanted to go out and do something and i rememeber just crying at that because i had no reason to say no but i just didnt want to and felt like i couldnt do anything and so i lied and said i wasnt feeling well and then put my phone down and curled up in my bed and cried coz i was frustrated and upset and i couldnt really understand what was wrong with me and why i was Like This.

god i didnt take into account how tired i was and how late it is when i started this huh, this isnt even half of it, but i have obligations in the mornign, the last until uni or whatever so ill put this in my drafts and finsih it somethime. alrigtht it is 02:08 btw z_z. also ive just now decided im gonna re organise my tumblr so if this ends up being an actual blog thing i can navigate it easier by adding tags and such. anywau goodnight.

20:21 30/06/2021

MOTHERFOIUHIFIUDVMKCVKM V

MY LAPTOP SHUT DOWE IN THE MIDDLE OF THSAT SO ITS ALL GONE BASICALLY I WAS DEPRESSED BURTNOUT GIFTERD KID AND IT SUCKED YADDa YADDSZ ANYTWAY

23:01- well. yes earlier i wrote a little about the ages 13-16 and how they sucked but whatever it got deleted the more pertinent stuff happened in the last year or so anyway.

um yeah so i started the last year of highschool as a 16 year old with a fucked up brain and never having learned any study techniques or work ethic in the slightest. i took 3 uni-level courses only one i actually wanted to do, most people take 2 at most or even 1/0 but do other classes. honestly it fucking sucked this year for school but i scraped all passes so thank god for that. so i started the year quite optimistic, or as much as i could be and in all fairness the content of this year wasnt actually that bad considering i was doing 3 hard classes but corona really truly fucked everything up and by November i had mentally dropped out of my classes but of course i still had to go to them. i feel like im an oddly independent teen because ive never had a solid parental presence in a while, like i had to do a lot for myself and maybe i should thank myself for getting me through it all because i really did pull through.

my thoughts keep drifting from what im writing coz i wanna talk about different things and im just thinking maybe i shouldve just posted the last one then added a reblog when i could be bothered to write and not force myself because if theres ever a reoccurring theme in my life is that if i force myself to do anything i will hate it with my entire being, so maybe i should just do a short synopsis and write about something else afterwards.

so i took 3 hard classes, slowly lost all motivation because in jan it switches to online classes and i could Not deal with those it was horrible, and i became more of a "troublesome student" in one of my classes *cough* maths *cough* and almost got "kicked out" of taking the class just because the teacher was a control freak but like wanted to control all of our actions and behaviour, also i think i may have adhd and another kid in my class i think he does too and surprise surprise the teacher "dislikes" him too but its only a farce because he doesnt actually dislike him its only so that i cant call him out for singling me out when other students behave "badly" too. but anyways maybe ill come back to this in a while when i can be arsed explaining my complicated relationship with my parents.

the only reason i wanted to write this today was so that i could tag the post with like june 2021 or something and not june/july, but i might make another post later, Anyway happy end of pride month i supose, hope u figure it out me!

#why does tumblr break up the paragraphs like this #there isnt supposed to be paragraphs #maybe i should change that #anyway off to fix all my post so far and tag the all like ->#june 2021 entry #2021 the year of fun

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