#gallbladder pain sucks

[holdmeclosertinytaron]

A little catch up!!

Ahhhh it feels like forever since I've properly posted on here. I promise I'm still alive, life has just been kicking my ass this year and it's been a lot to juggle. So here's a little rundown for you all...

In January I had to have an ultrasound on my abdomen due to intermittent, excruciating pain. Turns out I have gallstones (yay!). The doctor was referring my to general surgery to discuss options which was fine.

In February I had the gallbladder pain bad and wound up bed ridden for five days after unable to eat or drink. I slept continuously for almost 24 hours and my mum was getting worried about me because I started to turn yellow. I'm talking fully minion yellow. So I ended up in A&E where I spent five of the shortest hours of my life waiting to find out what was going on. I was put on a fluids drip because I'd only had 500 ml of water in four days.

I spoke to a lovely surgeon at like 1am who was quite surprised that I knew what she was talking about (thanks Grey's Anatomy for that. You're a real one). She told me that she would like it for me to stay overnight but she knew I wanted to go home so she let me home but made me promise I would go back to the hospital the following day for an MRCP and more blood tests because some of my levels were really high.

I got a call the next day telling me that my scan had been scheduled for the following morning so to take the day to rest and that I didn't need to go in. I still wasn't eating or drinking. I wasn't hungry and I was so exhausted it was awful.

I had the scan and then I went to the surgical same day emergency care department where I had blood drawn and had to wait for an hour for results. I was finally starting to get thirsty but I couldn't have a drink of anything in case I needed emergency surgery. A doctor came to speak to me and he said I had more gallstones than they first thought but they were no longer blocking a duct like they were before so I could go home. I just had to go back again the day after for another blood test to make sure my bilirubin and haemoglobin levels had sorted themselves out. Fun.

The following day I went back and had even more blood drawn. Before this whole ordeal I was petrified of needles. Now I just give them my arm and tell them to go to town. I was allowed to drink that time so a nurse made me the worst cup of tea of my life, bless her. Not her fault, the teabags they use at the hospital aren't the ones I'm used to. That's besides the point.

Another doctor came to speak to me and asked me how I was doing. I told him I felt fine again and as though nothing had happened. He was glad I was feeling better and said as long as my levels had dropped he was happy to sign me off and let me wait for general surgery to get in touch with me.

My levels had dropped enough to go home!!

A couple of weeks later I got a letter from general surgery with an appointment for the 4th of April. Perfect. My fear of hospitals was no more because I'd been so much bad in February so off I went with my mum to this appointment with a consultant.

What a laugh that was. Throughout this whole thing, my weight hadn't been mentioned once. I had only dealt with one male doctor at this point too and that was a phone call to tell me I had gallstones. Every other doctor, nurse and surgeon I'd spoken to were women and not one of them mentioned my weight.

Now I know I'm overweight. It isn't a secret. I am fat. But to have a surgeon look at you and talk to you for fifteen minutes about your weight, while looking at your mum instead of you, that shit is awful. He didn't know why I was there. He thought I'd been rushed through from the GP for surgery asap (I thought I was getting surgery asap too).

For a whole twenty minutes he said I would need to be referred back to my GP and put on a weight loss programme otherwise I couldn't have the surgery and that waiting for surgery is dangerous because of how easily a stone can block a duct and such. He then proceeded to make it sound as if he thought I would find it difficult to cut out 'nice things'. I made him acutely aware that since I had been in the hospital, I had eaten fresh, lean meat everyday with potatoes and vegetables. I have cut out pretty much all fat from my diet and happily sat back while everyone else in the house has had chocolate.

I don't find cutting things out of my diet hard. I find it hard to be sitting in front of a man telling me that I have to go on a weight reduction programme and that it will take hard work and dedication, as though I don't know what they mean.

Said consultant sent me for even more bloods to make sure my liver function is okay which I totally get. And then he referred me back to the GP so they can refer me to this programme which could take months.

All the while I still have gallstones that could cause pain at any given time. I have no clue when I'm getting surgery so I have to live with this for however long, not knowing when it's going to strike and eating the most boring foods with no fun snacks.

It is debilitating living life not knowing when you're going to be in the worst pain of your life. I wouldn't wish gallstone/gallbladder pain on my worst enemy it is hell. It comes on suddenly with absolutely no warning and it can last anywhere from an hour to five hours. I have to sit with two hot water bottles, one on my front and one on my back, and not move. It makes me throw up, it makes me sob uncontrollably, and it makes me feel like such a failure.

So that's why I've been quiet recently. I've been dealing with lots of health things and have been spending more time trying to focus on me than anything else. HOWEVER, these past two days have been spent working tirelessly with my angel @brayndilyn to write some of the big fic coming this year. I can't wait to share it with you!! We love it and we hope you do too.

#That was a long ass post #sorry!! #Life update #health update #gallbladder pain sucks #that surgeon sucks #everything sucks #but at least I'm not afraid of needles anymore #that's something #the surgeon who I spoke to in a&e also like Grey's and reading so we had such a fun chat #she made me a diagram of the gallbladder and my liver and it's somewhere in my room #i kept it because it was cool and she treated me like a person which was refreshing

[bunnihearted]

like yeah no one thinks being at the er/hospital is fun... omg i wish i was at home cozy in bed w a cup of tea nd reading a book. getting ready for school.. like this sucks T-T esp i wish i had someone who kept me company all the time. even if i asked my mom to come w me (which i didnt want) she couldnt rlly be w me from start to finish so like. im not good w being alone in anxious/scary situations T-T

#im blogging abt this bc #i feel lonely so i need to update abt everything looool #they did a ultra sound nd tests nd i'll see :p #sucks that i might have to spend the night here lol #nd ofc im thirsty hungry but uhhhh yeah idk idk i hate this i want it to be over #at least gallbladder disease isnt the worst to have even if its painful af #nd can turn dangerous #but im thankful since it could be sm worse #still hate this nd wish i was at home

[running-in-the-dark]

eww I'm sorting through photos from my old phone (not the last one, the one before that. five years later....) and there's a bunch from all my hospital stays and it's making me feel really bad 🙃

#really not good times #I was in soooo much pain #all the time #I don't want to remember that #though I guess it's good to be reminded sometimes (cause it justifies that I had my gallbladder removed. yeah it fucking sucks now but damn #it was SO MUCH worse before...) #anyway I'm not gonna delete them I think 🙃 but I won't look at them now. or maybe ever again. but I'll still keep them #personal #I honestly don't even know which phone these are all from. I must have reset it at some point and saved them before that because it's very #random/weird times lol

[wkdwtchoftheest]

Surgery went well. I'm home recovering. I'm extremely tired.

#had my gallbladder out #i did have a little trouble moving after waking from anesthesia #i sat up and my larynex had some sort of stuttering episode #im okay though #my pain medicine gives me nausea though so that sucks #out of work for six weeks yay #i feel like i could sleep the entirety of those six weeks

[skunkg1rll]

.

#ughhhhhh i got a bit too brave w food #so now i got a gallbladder attack :((( #for the first time in 5 months #and the pain killer i got prescribed for it isnt working...... which is suspicious but what can i do #just gotta endure it #sucks that it's the exact day i have to go to school #but if im in pain i simply wont #im not someone who can do that 💀 i simply cannot #so i'll email my teacher and just stay home today #hope it'll pass soon and not last for like 12-24hrs #and i'll have to eat very carefully :((( #i wish i didnt try eating what i ate earlier bc i've been able to eat quite a lot of things #so i got too comfortable and too brave #now i got to pay for my mistake rip

[wrotedown]

going back to work tomorrow and i honestly feel like throwing up lol ✌️

#the worst part of it is i'm not even well yet but my doctor seems to think i can handle it #so no more insurance disability cheques for me since last month which is the only reason why i'm going back #i need to pay my stupid bills and be able to afford my meds 😠 i'm still in a lot of pain which SUCKS bc i #got my gallbladder out and it basically did nothing. ugh. sorry for venting i just needed to get it out #vent / #health / #health mention /

[astramachina]

Fellas (and other folks on T with a history of bad periods), I am here to say that even if HRT has killed your period, please be aware that lack of pain due to absence of bleeding does not mean your internal issues have gone away. I feel like this is obvious, but uhhhh as someone who's been in the hospital for the past 24 hours and had to go into emergency surgery and they only thing they're able to do is "control" my insides until they can "somehow minimize the damage before committing to a full hysterectomy"??????

Yeah.

Yeaaaaah. Get that shit checked out, ASAP.

I went to urgent care cause I thought I got real bad indigestion following Thanksgiving dinner. The doctor there legit thought I was having heart issues and sent me to the ER. The ER thought my gallbladder exploded. In truth, my endometrium has wrapped around said gallbladder, making my life hell. It's also all over the place. I have to start a six month treatment that will nuke what remains of E in my system so that they can suck everything out. Just. Ugh.

Not how I wanted to start the holidays.

#medical tw #the pain has eased up and now I'm sore post surgery but I'm still under observation #the funniest thing about this?? Both doctors are like #'We're so sorry this is happening because otherwise you're such perfect health it's obscene' so yay i guess???

[eddieelliotmunson]

Last two days have been terrible with pain.

I had a headache yesterday at work, it felt like my brain was trying to crack my skull from the inside out. Then I had to go shopping after work, and when I was back I laid down for several hours trying to recover from the pain and fatigue. Pain in my knees, ankles, wrists, and fingers. I used my heated blanket and all the braces I could find--compression socks, ankle wraps, knee compression sleeves (had to take those off bc they are too small on my upper leg and hurt much more than they help). it still took hours for my pain to be relieved enough for me to sleep.

Today, my family and I went an hour north for a festival. We were out of the house for 5 hours, I brought my cane and taped my other knee, but it still put me in a lot of pain. I'm currently at home watching a movie, blanket on, wrist wraps on, compression socks and ankle wraps on to try to lessen my pain even a little. I took my daily fibro medication and prescription NSAID this morning, and a tylenol when we got back, and I'm still hurting so much in my knees and fingers.

I get to go to the doctor on Monday, and will hopefully get some x-rays to check for osteoarthritis. I'm young for it, but there's a family history, plus I'm already young in my family for having my gallbladder taken out and probably for developing fibromyalgia so it would fit the pattern.

My fibro meds are not helping the joint pain, at all. It's in multiple areas, which really sucks, and gets worse in weather changes and the cold.

So hopefully, answers. My stupid EEG already came back normal, unfortunately, but I'm crossing my fingers that the appt on Monday will get me help or answers or both.

#chronic pain #chronic illness #spooniestrong #personal

[fluffleforce-mysdrym]

Today sucks.

Turns out the washer and dryer don't work at the house.

My appointment was stupidly complicated.

Our phones have been disconnected from service so we can only make emergency calls and access the internet through the house's crappy wifi

i'm in pain from yesterday's walk and from my gallbladder

I was trying to sleep and my mom decided to wake me up to ask about how to use a banking app i don't use

and minecraft won't let me dl it on my laptop

[kittennovak]

Full update time. I'm back in the hospital. Last night, hubby started noticing I had jaundice (yellowing of the skin and eyes, for those who don't know). Which is a classic symptom of liver failure. We rushed to our GP this morning to figure out what was going on. She suggested going to the ER. They pretty much took me back immediately and started doing blood work. My liver and pancreas enzymes were elevated. Then they sent me for an ultrasound. Gallstones. I have one blocking the neck of my gallbladder. They're planning on stone removal tomorrow or Monday. After that, they'll keep an eye on my levels and pain. If they stay down, they plan on removing my gallbladder completely.

All these health issues can suck a fuck.

#personal #health #my life sucks

[jpbradley]

JP aten't ded [pancreatitis update]

So for those who don't know me; in 2022 I almost died of pancreatitis, it was a bad time. I was put in a coma and was saved by the hard work of the doctors, nurses and support staff of the NHS. I spent 4 1/2 months in hospital relearning how to walk and eat and over the past year have had a bunch of cool complications from that event.

We never really found out the cause and since then pancreatitis has continued to loom over me. Every time I eat and feel anything unexpected in my abdomen I am hypervigilant that my pancreatitis is returning and that I'll be hospitalised again.

Last week that fear became a reality. That also might end up being a good thing.

My experience of pancreatitis begins with back pain. I'm pushing 40 by this point and back pain is hardly uncommon for people my age, but this is constant, cannot be relieved by changing position and ultimately feels like a knife being driven into a tight knot in the back. This persists until it becomes impossible to sleep through the discomfort.

This is the symptom that woke me up last week. In the middle of the night I felt it combined with a stabbing pain in my abdomen, followed by vomiting; and remembered with terrible clarity the weeks of that pain I endured before my first admission. I woke my wife and, terrified, resolved to go to A&E.

At the hospital we went through the standard gamut of blood tests which confirmed that something was going on, and I sat in urgent treatment waiting for a bed to free up. The NHS is an institution under resourced by a government that seeks to destroy it and replace it with medical insurance that would force most working class people into debt so crushing they could never escape it.

As such the wait is long, and I spend a good chunk of it on the floor in a side room because every other position is worse. They don't have an answer for what I have yet (spoilers; it's pancreatitis) and so they can't prescribe pain relief. So I wait. My wife waits with me and I have to look up at her stricken face as she looks down at me powerless to do anything to help.

Being ill sucks and the toll it takes on the people who love you is terrible.

Eventually I have a CT scan (abdominal pelvis with contrast for you radiology fans out there) and a while later am moved into a cubicle where a doctor finally administers IV morphine. The feeling is fuzzy, the relief immediate. My abdomen still hurts a lot, the muscles strained from the vomiting, but the tension I had been unable to release from my body flows out of me and I fall asleep.

At one point I wake up and my wife is asleep in the chair beside me with her head laid by my side on the gurney. I feel grateful and guilty for putting her through this.

From there I eventually get moved to a surgical unit. It's here that we learn that after over a year of speculation we finally have a root cause for my pancreatitis; gall stones. Getting in early and not waiting until my condition for worse means we caught the gallbladder in the act. Motherf-

Sometimes the gallbladder produces stones and sometimes those stones interact with the pancreatic duct, causing the pancreas to decide the world is ending and move all of it's stocks into burning the gaff down. Their own gaff, where they fucking live. It is a dumb and anxious organ. I can relate.

The result was that a few days ago I had a very sexy cholecystectomy. As you can guess that's them taking the gallbladder out, in this case via keyhole surgery which has left me very tender but massively reduced my time to discharge from hospital. The doctor on ward rounds gave me the option of discharge the following day before he went away and spoke with his consultant who said; "Have you seen his history? Not a fucking chance, tell him he's staying" (I assume).

So is that it? Gallbladder gone and pancreatitis no more? Well- Maybe.

Pancreatitis isn't well understood. Gallstones are indicated and the most likely cause of pancreatitis in me. Other causes could be alcohol; which some doctors love to bring up as their pet theory, or cholesterol. Studies are ongoing into pancreatitis (my medical records are part of one of them) to understand the causes and also the varied survival rates among severe pancreatitis sufferers. So with that said there is a possibility it could return and despite everything I have to be constantly vigilant to make sure I am ready if it does.

Which brings us to the last thing I want to talk about, which is living with pancreatitis.

On the grand scale of things my living adjustment for pancreatitis is quite tolerable; I have to take synthetic pancreatin with every meal which allows my body to process things like fat and complex carbohydrates. I also no longer have a gall bladder, this means my body doesn't have a reserve of bile which is used to break down fat as it passes into the large intestine. As such for the next few weeks I need to be on a low fat diet and slowly introduce fats to build up a tolerance.

More difficult for me is the uncertainty around my body. I've never lived a particularly healthy life but before my illness I at least felt like I understood it. Where it hurt, what was wrong, how to know how to communicate that. These days my stomach gurgles and I find myself performing an itinerary of everything I've eaten to see if there's something in there that might cause me to suddenly collapse.

The uncertainty is draining but the vigilance I feel is worth it, and if there's one thing to take away from all of this it's; if you can please don't wait until it's unbearable to get help, please go early if you can and if it's nothing at least rule it out.

If you read all of this; thank you! I really appreciate it.

I just needed to get it out somewhere and because resources can be a little difficult to find/confusing about pancreatitis please feel free to ask if you have any questions and I will answer as best I can about my experience with the illness.

#pancreatitis #nhs #cw death #cw coma #cw medical #death #coma #medical #personal

[potsiepumpkin]

Gallbladder surgery went well, but the fall out pain suck’s more than I thought it would.

Plus I’m swollen around the incision areas. But then again I just had a important organ removed and will need to take supplements for the rest of my life to help aid in my livers bile production. I tried so hard to heal my gallbladder on its own for three years but nothing worked it just stopped functioning which I highly suspect is due to my hEDS and automatic functions.

#chronic illness #chronic pain #disability #probably heds #gallbladder removal surgery

[monstersdownthepath]

Scourge Spotlight: Eremite

CR 20

Lawful Evil Medium Outsider

Bestiary 3, pg. 173

And here we are, at the end of the Season of the Scourge, closing off with the list with the greatest of the velstrac (besides the Demagogues themselves)! Held together entirely by miles of blood-swathed bandages and shards of metal driven into their form, these living massacres are velstrac who’ve cut themselves almost completely down to the bones and have begun building themselves back up. Eremites care little for their former identities and instead seek out new flesh to add to themselves, but not just any flesh oh no. They want only the choicest cuts from the best of the best, seeking out the most succulent brains, the most proficient stomachs, the strongest muscles, the sturdiest spleens, the most persistent hearts, just that top-shelf, award-winning, blue-ribbon flesh... and, more often than not, they aren’t satisfied with just one of each.

The book delightfully notes that the majority of the portions harvested by an Eremite are placed in seemingly random spots on their bodies where they cannot possibly fulfill their function. Tongues sewn into their internal organs, eyes embedded in their chest, intestines coiled around their necks like scarves, livers nailed to their palms, teeth jammed into their foreheads to form crowns, thighs absolutely packed to the brim with excess gallbladders; the list goes on. That the Eremite capture their targets and split them open specifically to observe how their chosen bit of tissue functions while still inside the body lends them an air of gallows humor, as it’s almost like their careful observation is used to determine the exact wrong way to decorate themselves with their grim thefts. It’s far more likely, and reinforced by the book, that their alien minds simply judges that the new application for the harvested part enhances just how grotesque they are, and how fashionably up to par they are among their crowds of abominable adoring fans.

It is perhaps amusing to me and me alone that Eremite are Medium-sized. It lends them a certain... harmlessness, when compared to most fiends, whose betters tower over the lesser crowds. If you saw what looked to be a skinned angel among a crowd of velstrac, you may be mislead to believe it’s little more than a rank-and-file minion type, perhaps hovering around CR 8 or 12, but certainly not 20. It’s almost the exact same gag as the far weaker but still potent Sacristan, who look like (and are treated as) weak drudges to pad out an encounter with CR 3 minions, but are in fact extremely capable bodyguards that stand at a respectable CR 10.

But Eremite don’t need to be bigger to show they’re more important. They project an aura of importance so overwhelmingly crushing that any creature that can see them from within 30ft feels compelled to kneel and offer their flesh up to the Eremite in the hopes that at least a piece of them will live on forever. This is the function of their Unnerving Gaze, causing 1d4 rounds of paralysis every time the DC 31 Will save is failed, and what’s worse is that the compulsion becomes stronger over time; every round a victim remains paralyzed, their Wisdom score is drained by 1d4 points, making them more and more likely to fail the save next round, and the round after that, and after that...

And, unfortunately, paralyzed victims are likely to last that long. Eremites take their sweet time with peeling people apart, maximizing the pain and fear in their every victim before allowing them the mercy of death... if the mercy is ever offered. They have both Binding and Trap the Soul as 1/days, the former allowing the fiend to perform prolonged experimentation on a victim they’ve already trapped, while the latter is a Save-or-Suck that allows for easy transport of a chosen victim to the Eremite’s studio... where they can THEN be hit with Binding and tortured for days or weeks or however long the velstrac decides.

Eremite are scary-good at keeping people from running away from them, to a degree that strikes me as almost unnecessary. Binding and Trap the Soul at 1/day, but also both Wall of Force AND Forcecage at 3/day?! Dimensional Lock at 3/day, too??? WITH Blade Barrier as a failsafe? Eremites really, really don’t want anyone to get away once they’re nearby, but this is mostly because they love taking their time with anyone they get their natural attacks into... And have to, because each individual attack is stapled to a Medium-sized body.

Attack per attack, their melee isn’t especially frightening. They have a CCB (2d6+10 each), and a strike with both their bony wings for 1d8+5, and ALL of their natural attacks wrack their victims with supernatural Pain, potentially staggering them and imposing a -4 penalty to their saves versus the Eremite’s various spell-likes and abilities (beware of being kidnapped by Plane Shift or Shadow Walk!), which all add up to make the Eremite LOOK spooky... but they lack the Vital Strike feat line to keep up if they can’t make Full-Attacks, the Cleave line to deal with multiple surrounding creatures at once, and any feats which would prevent people from just tanking their AoO and leaving their threat radius. Almost all of their feats are just generic number increases which don’t affect or alter their tactics at all. With only the Medium-standard 5ft reach and 5ft space, almost* all of the danger they represent is limited to creatures standing directly next to them. Eremites could very easily be kited around and out-healed if they didn’t have so many ways to bar retreats and a passive means to paralyze their victims.

*ALMOST! they have the Greater Shadow Evocation and Shades available as toolboxes, and effective ones. It gives them a huge amount of flexibility even against people who can see through the illusions, but this article is already enormous, so delving deep into those particular toolboxes will have to wait for when those spells appear in other articles that have less to talk about! Or when/if they pop up in Spiritual Spotlights, like this one!

There’s also the benefit of Forcecage and Wall of Force being used to bubble itself in with a single victim, cut off from their allies so they can’t do anything but watch helplessly as it rips into the poor soul, but that’s just me talking. And when I say ‘rip into,’ I don’t just mean very slowly lowering their HP with their Full-Attack, though that’s certainly part of it. You see: their claw attacks also Grab anyone they hit, and whenever the Eremite grapples someone or begins its turn with someone grappled, it can Eviscerate the target as a swift action, dealing 1d8 points of ability drain to any one score of the velstrac’s choice. It can shred its victim’s body, mind, and soul if needed.

What’s more, is that once per day as a full-round action, an Eremite can graft portions of an Eviscerated target onto itself, gaining the effects of both Heal AND Greater Restoration, which feels like overkill! Come on, buddy, you ALREADY HAVE Heal 3/day, why do you need another one?! I suppose it’s to let the Eremite recover from whatever atrocity it does to itself alongside its victim, as the book notes the velstrac have a habit of butchering themselves alongside their victims to gain an idea of how their suffering is affecting them.

At the very least, it’s unlikely to graft any portion of someone to itself unless the selected part matches whatever horrific aesthetic they’ve got going on. Maybe if your party is lucky, none of you will have any flesh or organs it particularly wants associated with its brand, and thus it won’t do its mid-battle “regrow half its health bar and cleanse all status effects?”

Speaking of status ailments, use them, because they have NO immunity to petrification, mind-affecting effects, poisons, polymorphing, sleep effects, ANY elemental damage besides Cold (which they’re immune to), OR death effects! You have to get past 31 SR, but I believe in you! I know you can do it! Turn your campaign’s final boss to stone! Or into a cute wittle wabbit!

You can read more about them here.

#Scourge Season Month #Monster Spotlight #CR 16 to 20 #gore #blood #Pathfinder #Dungeons and Dragons

[mossycattail]

so uh some shit happened lmao

i had emergency surgery yesterday to remove my gallbladder because it spontaneously decided to make a bunch of stones and get infected and gross

im a-okay now, recovery is sucking ass

had a laproscopic surgery, so 4 incisions, one bigger than the rest

because of my kidney stone, i cant have the motrin that was perscribed for pain control

so im stuck with tylenol and an ice pack

it sucks ass but at least im alive haha

so apologies in advance if im not as active for a little while while i continue to heal lmao

#tw vent #health #gallbladder removal surgery #ramblings of a mountain hermit

[divinebunni]

tw; ED recovery ~ personal post //

the weirdest part of the eating disorder i suffer is that it’s my body. it never was my mind making me feel or see a certain way, literally for as long as i can remember i have had severe stomach issues to the point that most if my childhood and teens were spent in hospitals and doctors offices trying to figure out what was going on.

i remember being 9 and suddenly i’m throwing up on the reg. I didn’t understand, it hurt and burned and sucked so bad. i was immediately put on the B.R.A.T diet (bananas, rice, applesauce, toast all plain) because they’re the hardest foods for your body to expell. when i was 12 it became monthly when my period started and didn’t know i had endometriosis. the pain was so severe it made me puke, i couldn’t move, couldn’t breathe, couldn’t eat.

i already had a hard time eating breakfast, i always ate lunch, and by dinner i was feeling so sick half the time i couldn’t eat. at 15 i was lactose intolerant, and when i was 16 my stomach was in such constant pain and spent almost a year with various specialists trying to find out what really was wrong. we discovered my gallbladder was failing, which meant another stretch of time on the B.R.A.T diet (i was too young for it to be removed). i was miserable, i was and continued to be so thin, and eating became such a repulsion to me because of how nauseated i felt all the time. it helped keep my gallbladder in check, but it was a new stomach hurdle to face daily.

finally i’m 19, i escape my household and move in with my husband and things finally start to change. a lifelong physical eating disorder was still not something that i thought about while we spent most of our time just trying to break me free from the anger and years of trauma.

then, after being homeless for several months, my climb to recovery began. it coupled at the same time as the pandemic starting, but i also knew that I didn’t want to feel sick anymore, I didn’t want to be thin and hurt all the time. we started finding foods that i could stomach, and cannabis became the number one reason i could eat at all without cringing when i swallowed. the nausea started to fade until it was no more, and i began eating chicken and bread and pasta like i never could ~

this really is just a ramble because i was thinking about it last night, along with the fact that its crazy cannabis isn’t legal everywhere because it truly saved my stomach and my body. my recovery is officially two years strong, and just 6 months ago i started feeling my ass jiggle and my thighs squish together on their own and this is truly the healthiest i have ever been and have ever felt. i still struggle, it will never end for me because … well … it is me. but i love my body and how far it has come, and having natural fat on my body like i never did before is amazing and i love the squeeze ~

the whole reason i started these blogs, now four in, was for this journey and this progress, and i will forever have the pictures of my success to remind me that i am capable of more than my body tries to hinder me from. thank you to everyone that has followed with me since i was a wee 85 lb, 24 year old bab. you’re all beautiful and so capable and so deserving, and i love you 💕

#tw #tw ed #tw ed recovery #tw ed in the tags #ed #personal personal #thoughts #bunni speaks

[elliot-needs-sleep]

Had a rough day today and feeling guilty over things I have no reason to be guilty about soooo making this because sometimes we just need a reminder, and this is something I needed to hear at some point in my life

It's okay to be upset about things, especially things that should never have happened to you. It's okay to not have a good day. It's okay to feel bad about choices you made, even if you made them to get out of a bad situation or to better your health in the long run. Its okay to miss people who hurt you, who should've loved you and cared for you, and its not your fault they didnt do that. It's all okay. You're gonna be okay. Maybe not today, or tomorrow, or next week, or even next month, but I promise you everything will be okay eventually. I swear on that.

I feel bad about... pretty much everything, honestly. I feel guilty about a lot of things in my life, and I sure as hell feel bad about the choices I've made to get to where I am today

In August I was going through one of the worst times in my life, that I won't delve into at this time because it's still not something I feel entirely comfortable sharing on my platform at the moment, but I was isolated, severely depressed to the point where I was heavily debating... ya know, and I had no belief that my life could get better, that I deserved for it to be better, that I deserved to be happy. I was in a ridiculous amount of pain and stress because of my gallbladder surgery.

Now? I am doing better mentally then I've EVER been, I am in a safe place with new experiences, I have friends again who actually care about me and well being, I've mostly started to heal from the shit I've gone through. I'm happy with the person I am, I'm experimenting with how I am presenting, I've got a part time job (it's currently only seasonal, but I'm looking for a full time one for after january), sure I still have rough days and I still feel guilty over some things, but I'm okay now

I am proof that things will not always suck. Things will get better. You just need to give it time. And if you hang around, I promise you it will be okay. I believe in you and I'm so proud of how far you've come already in life. You can do this, I know it's hard right now, but you've got this

#elliotsthoughts