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random-xpressions · 7 months

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When I take my final breath, I would like to close my life as one large collection that's full of first time experiences, wherein no two days and no two hours and not even two breaths taken are ever the same. Each heart beat must be a newer, revived experience that's deeply cherished and thanked for. I dread that's anything repeated or done in the spirit of a dead routine or a mundane that has become a lifeless pattern. It may be that I'm kissing someone's lips for the second time, but that must be still counted as a first time experience because the vigour is different, the motive is different, the situation would be different, the times would be different, even the person would have evolved much since the last kiss and hence in all respects it will be in essence counted as a first time experience though it may be physically the second or the third or even a thousandth time...

Random Xpressions

#first time experience

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inkskinned · 11 months

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the thing is that they're so fascinated by sex, they love sex, they can't imagine a world without sex - they need sex to sell things, they need sex to be part of their personality, they need sex to prove their power - but they hate sex. they are disgusted by it.

sex is the only thing that holds their attention, and it is also the thing that can never be discussed directly.

you can't tell a child the normal names for parts of their body, that's sexual in nature, because the body isn't a body, it's a vessel of sex. it doesn't matter that it's been proven in studies (over and over) that kids need to know the names of their genitals; that they internalize sexual shame at a very young age and know it's 'dirty' to have a body; that it overwhelmingly protects children for them to have the correct words to communicate with. what matters is that they're sexual organs. what matters is that it freaks them out to think about kids having body parts - which only exist in the context of sex.

it's gross to talk about a period or how to check for cancer in a testicle or breast. that is nasty, illicit. there will be no pain meds for harsh medical procedures, just because they feature a cervix.

but they will put out an ad of you scantily-clad. you will sell their cars for them, because you have abs, a body. you will drip sex. you will ooze it, like a goo. like you were put on this planet to secrete wealth into their open palms.

they will hit you with that same palm. it will be disgusting that you like leather or leashes, but they will put their movie characters in leather and latex. it will be wrong of you to want sexual freedom, but they will mark their success in the number of people they bed.

they will crow that it's inappropriate for children so there will be no lessons on how to properly apply a condom, even to teens. it's teaching them the wrong things. no lessons on the diversity of sexual organ growth, none on how to obtain consent properly, none on how to recognize when you feel unsafe in your body. if you are a teenager, you have probably already been sexualized at some point in your life. you will have seen someone also-your-age who is splashed across a tv screen or a magazine or married to someone three times your age. you will watch people pull their hair into pigtails so they look like you. so that they can be sexy because of youth. one of the most common pornography searches involves newly-18 young women. girls. the words "barely legal," a hiss of glass sand over your skin.

barely legal. there are bills in place that will not allow people to feel safe in their own bodies. there are people working so hard to punish any person for having sex in a way that isn't god-fearing and submissive. heteronormative. the sex has to be at their feet, on your knees, your eyes wet. when was the first time you saw another person crying in pornography and thought - okay but for real. she looks super unhappy. later, when you are unhappy, you will close your eyes and ignore the feeling and act the role you have been taught to keep playing. they will punish the sex workers, remove the places they can practice their trade safely. they will then make casual jokes about how they sexually harass their nanny.

and they love sex but they hate that you're having sex. you need to have their ornamental, perfunctory, dispassionate sex. so you can't kiss your girlfriend in the bible belt because it is gross to have sex with someone of the same gender. so you can't get your tubes tied in new england because you might change your mind. so you can't admit you were sexually assaulted because real men don't get hurt, you should be grateful. you cannot handle your own body, you cannot handle the risks involved, let other people decide that for you. you aren't ready yet.

but they need you to have sex because you need to have kids. at 15, you are old enough to parent. you are not old enough to hear the word fuck too many times on television.

they are horrified by sex and they never stop talking about it, thinking about it, making everything unnecessarily preverted. the saying - a thief thinks everyone steals. they stand up at their podiums and they look out at the crowd and they sign a bill into place that makes sexwork even more unsafe and they stand up and smile and sign a bill that makes gender-affirming care illegal and they get up and they shrug their shoulders and write don't say gay and they get up, and they make the world about sex, but this horrible, plastic vision of it that they have. this wretched, emotionless thing that holds so much weight it's staggering. they put their whole spine behind it and they push and they say it's normal!

this horrible world they live in. disgusted and also obsessed.

#this shifts gender so much bc it actually affects everyone #yes it's a gendered phenomenon. i have written a LOT about how different genders experience it. that's for a different post.#writeblr #ps my comments about seeing someone cry -- this is not to shame any person #and on this blog we support workers.#at the same time it's a really hard experience to see someone that looks like you. clearly in agony. and have them forced to keep going.#when you're young it doesn't necessarily look like acting. it looks scary. and that's what this is about - the fact that teens #have likely already been exposed to that definition of things. because the internet exists #and without the context of healthy education. THAT is the image burned into their minds about what it looks like.#it's also just one of those personal nuanced biases -#at 19 i thought it was normal to be in pain. to cry. to not-like-it. that it should be perfunctory.#it was what i had seen.#and it didn't help that my religious upbringing was like . 'yeah that's what you get for premarital. but also for the reference #we do think you should never actually enjoy it lol'#so like the point im making is that ppl get exposed to that stuff without the context of something more tender #and assume .... 'oh. so it's fine i am not enjoying myself'. and i know they do because I DID.#he was my first boyfriend. how was i supposed to know any different #i didn't even have the mental wherewithal to realize im a lesbian . like THAT used to suffering.

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neutral-towards-mindmaps · 2 months

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can't stop thinking about tamsyn muir's choice to present her deep, morally and politically complex science fantasy world with a central web of magic, secrets and lies reaching back ten thousand years through the eyes of three characters who:

1. tune out and start thinking about hot women whenever the magic system or worldbuilding are being explained

2. experience hallucinations on a daily basis, have brain damage and are being deceived and misled by their peers, authority figures, themselves and God

3. don't know who they are, have spent their entire life in one place and are, on all levels but physical, six months old

#she said: you will have concrete information when i say you can have concrete information #and then every new bit of information you do get fundamentally changes some earlier element of the story #like. rereading these books the first time doesn't even count as rereading imo #it's just an entirely new experience #the locked tomb #gideon the ninth #harrow the ninth #nona the ninth

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astearisms · 7 months

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but it ain’t called love without a little tragedy 🍁

#my art #a love letter to betty and simon #getting to explore simon’s journey post AT finale and the nuances of his relationship with Betty has been an experience #I don’t know what’s next but we can only hope closure for them #that betty maybe learns to put herself first after putting every ounce of herself in simon #or that simon learns to let go? or both of them do #assuming we do see Betty again #i am preparing to say farewell to the series once again after the finale #thank you adventure time crew #fionna and cake #fionna and cake spoilers #simon petrikov #betty grof #petrigrof #adventure time #I forgot to mention #this animation was inspired by ‘autumn leaves’ by yves montand #but a cover of it #I was listening to the song because I wanted to learn it on an instrument #it’s a melancholy song about autumn and lost love #and as I heard the lyrics of course I instantly thought of these guys #and then I started drawing #inspiration had a strong grip on me #thank you for reading #and your support #I hope you guys have had as much fun with this show as I have #I’m grateful for it

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chiricat · 7 months

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i think you’ve already lost, dear detective

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tringstarruuu · 2 months

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School crush 💘

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dragondawdles · 26 days

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did a piece in the LU server's gift exchange ! something of survival and reunions and smug little shadowguys

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artingstarvist · 4 months

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AU Where Hua Cheng hugged him.

#tgcf #tgcf fanart #heaven official's blessing #hualian #xie lian #hua cheng #first time trying to make a fake screenshot. it was a fun experiment.#i dont really do anime style so i had to use references and i just painted over one of the backgrounds but w/e i think it turned out ok #I dont think it would fool anyone tho haha #my art

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quilbe · 3 months

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cant keep anything alive

#goro akechi #akira kusuru #ren amiyama #persona 5 #p5 #p5r #first drawinf in 5 years I could not stop thinking sbt goro akechi and the horrors he experiences #the horror of everyone you dare to love being doomed to die #quilbee art time

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certified-bi · 7 days

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Okay all my thoughts because some people have been saying that not supporting this change is not supporting artist and creators and as an artist fuck that.

1. Audiences owe you nothing. You have to convince them to engage with your creation not the other way around. This is something both the nonprofit theatre I work with recognizes and huge companies realize. It's just part of life. There are so many talented people in the world making amazing art, videos, music, writings, and on and on, and there's only so much time in the day. I'm not saying you shouldn't know your worth, just that being flippant about how little you care about those who can't pay isn't a good move. On that note...

2. PR is everything. If you haven't made a visible effort to push patreon, channel memberships or other avenues of making money, don't be suprised that your creation that was previously accessible to those without extra cash and to those who can't support foreign subscriptions due either to conversions or because it simply doesn't work, being made private isn't popular. There's a big leap from "We want to have more artistic control" to "We can't afford to make our content accessible to most of our audience," and people are smart enough to see this. You either have to make budget cuts or give into sponsors. This isn't unique to Watcher, it's part of literally every production from broadway, to Hollywood, to YouTube. Unless you can fund it yourself or get viewers to pay(which given how many are already strapped for cash...) that's life.

Not to mention they simply do not have enough followers to make the switch to a paid only site(dropping the first epsiode only on YouTube isn't going to draw people in, they're just going to say "oh why start if I'm not going to see the rest" and not watch) especially not one that is buggy and a security risk. Even if the switch had been supported its not going to end well. The only reason services like nebula and dropout work is because of the large amount of series and creators and the fact those creators still are partly on YouTube so new people are drawn in.

3. As for the price, 6 dollars a month is a not a good starting price for only their content and that's as someone who pays for nebula. I'd be paying the same amount for a fraction of the access to others work. Actually it'd be twice as much. And before someone says "it's only a coffee-" that's for you. Not everyone has your lifestyle. And with every other patreon and subscription service that says the same thing, it all adds up and I simply don't think 60 dollars for 48 videos a year on a subscription basis where you don't get to keep the videos if your situation changes, some of which don't appeal to every viewer is a good move. If you were able to buy physical copies of your favorite series they've made that'd be different, but that's not what this is.

4. I do believe that the employees deserve a livable wage. I also did not hire them. It is not on the viewers that they hired more people than they could afford to. They can charge that much if they want to to try and balance this out. They also shouldn't be suprised if not many can or will sign up. They also don't have to be based in L.A. L.A has ridiculous costs associated with it, and quite honestly it doesn't really add much to the content. I'm not saying they need to move to the middle of nowhere Kansas. Simply that living and basing your studio in a super expensive city and then being suprised money is tight is just weird.

5. Something that occurs to me is that they might get more views if their playlists were better set up. Only some series are given playlists. It'd be easier to find all of the series and binge them if they didn't just show off their more popular shows. Honestly the only draw the streaming site has to me is that the series are actually labeled well.

Do I think the weird ass energy towards Steven is necessary? No. He's not the only one at the company and they're all adults. I actually liked grocery run and homemade, and like to see them back. The parascoial attachment to Ryan and Shane is annoying in people's criticisms, but that doesn't make them completely wrong. If you're going to brand yourself as the anti capalist underdogs you can't get away with being dismissive of your poorer fans. The dissonance is what is causing this backlash and makes you look like hypocrites. I definitely think Steven is turning into the fall guy which is fucked up, his statement and the fact dish granted is one of those shows that make people uncomfortable about wealth flexs doesn't help matters.

#watcher #they really need a CEO who has business experience first and foremost or at the very least a consultant they actually listen to #they also should put more focus on other personalities and actual give them a chance to stick. none of them got famous or a fanbase in a day #give some of the others time to grab attention

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jim-kirks-bubble-butt · 4 months

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get his ass leonard

#on the season 1 finale #can’t wait to experience the glory of amok time #first time watching #star trek #star trek tos #spirk #james kirk #jim kirk #leonard mccoy #bones mccoy #spock #james t kirk

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bonus-links · 11 months

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RUINS, pt. 13

first | << prev | next>>

#anyone else have a transcendent experience the first time u realized there were dragons in the sky in botw #just me?#i'll post the rest of this update next week #also!! slate's not going to stop using sign from now on don't worry!!#no totk spoilers in the replies pls #bonus links #bonuslinks #main comic #bonuslinksdotjpg #botw #breath of the wild #skyward sword

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inkskinned · 3 months

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crows use tools and like to slide down snowy hills. today we saw a goose with a hurt foot who was kept safe by his flock - before taking off, they waited for him to catch up. there are colors only butterflies see. reindeer are matriarchical. cows have best friends and 4 stomachs and like jazz music. i watched a video recently of an octopus making himself a door out of a coconut shell.

i am a little soft, okay. but sometimes i can't talk either. the world is like fractal light to me, and passes through my skin in tendrils. i feel certain small things like a catapult; i skirt around the big things and somehow arrive in crisis without ever realizing i'm in pain.

in 5th grade we read The Curious Incident of the Dog In The Night-time, which is about a young autistic boy. it is how they introduced us to empathy about neurotypes, which was well-timed: around 10 years old was when i started having my life fully ruined by symptoms. people started noticing.

i wonder if birds can tell if another bird is odd. like the phrase odd duck. i have to believe that all odd ducks are still very much loved by the other normal ducks. i have to believe that, or i will cry.

i remember my 5th grade teacher holding the curious incident up, dazzled by the language written by someone who is neurotypical. my teacher said: "sometimes i want to cut open their mind to know exactly how autistics are thinking. it's just so different! they must see the world so strangely!" later, at 22, in my education classes, we were taught to say a person with autism or a person on the spectrum or neurodivergent. i actually personally kind of like person-first language - it implies the other person is trying to protect me from myself. i know they had to teach themselves that pattern of speech, is all, and it shows they're at least trying. and i was a person first, even if i wasn't good at it.

plants learn information. they must encode data somehow, but where would they store it? when you cut open a sapling, you cannot find the how they think - if they "think" at all. they learn, but do not think. i want to paint that process - i think it would be mostly purple and blue.

the book was not about me, it was about a young boy. his life was patterned into a different set of categories. he did not cry about the tag on his shirt. i remember reading it and saying to myself: i am wrong, and broken, but it isn't in this way. something else is wrong with me instead. later, in that same person-first education class, my teacher would bring up the curious incident and mention that it is now widely panned as being inaccurate and stereotypical. she frowned and said we might not know how a person with autism thinks, but it is unlikely to be expressed in that way. this book was written with the best intentions by a special-ed teacher, but there's some debate as to if somebody who was on the spectrum would be even able to write something like this.

we might not understand it, but crows and ravens have developed their own language. this is also true of whales, dolphins, and many other species. i do not know how a crow thinks, but we do know they can problem solve. (is "thinking" equal to "problem solving"? or is "thinking" data processing? data management?) i do not know how my dog thinks, either, but we "talk" all the same - i know what he is asking for, even if he only asks once.

i am not a dolphin or reindeer or a dog in the nighttime, but i am an odd duck. in the ugly duckling, she grows up and comes home and is beautiful and finds her soulmate. all that ugliness she experienced lives in downy feathers inside of her, staining everything a muted grey. she is beautiful eventually, though, so she is loved. they do not want to cut her open to see how she thinks.

a while ago i got into an argument with a classmate about that weird sia music video about autism. my classmate said she thought it was good to raise awareness. i told her they should have just hired someone else to do it. she said it's not fair to an autistic person to expect them to be able to handle that kind of a thing.

today i saw a goose, and he was limping. i want to be loved like a flock loves a wounded creature: the phrase taken under a wing. which is to say i have always known i am not normal. desperate, mewling - i want to be loved beyond words.

loved beyond thinking.

#spilled ink #writeblr #personal #please don't ask me to talk on my experience on the spectrum lol. i hate how ppl talk to me about it #i really try not to write so specifically about it #bc inevitably someone talks to me like im a child #i think this is the first time i've ever openly identified with it but i've been hinting for years #i might delete this. feels big.#the thing is that being on the spectrum actually IS a spectrum #and if u say ur autistic #inevitably someone makes an assumption about ur needs/symptoms #please do not treat me differently than u usually would. like.... we can tell when you do #and like i mention. i do appreciate the effort. i do truly appreciate the effort.#but it still feels like...#when i was blind. sometimes people kind of did the same-ish thing.#they'd find out i was blind and start talking really loudly?#and while i KNOW they're just trying to help. it would be like. i'd be trying to find #the right way into a building (sometimes only 1 door is unlocked and i couldn't see the signs posted about where to go)#and ppl would be like ''OH UR BLIND? YES SO THIS IS A DOOR. IT OPENS INTO THE BUILDING. IT IS LOCKED NOW."#''A DOOR CAN BE FOUND IN MANY LOCATIONS.''#and it feels like. when i admit to being autistic #someone comes screeching into my life being like THIS IS A DOOR.

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primewritessmut · 8 months

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the fact that jonathan sims was kidnapped by russian circus mannequins for an entire month and his only reaction was “my skin has never been more moisturized” is insane

this man is not beset by horrors, he is inviting them in

#jonathan sims #the magnus archives #tma spoilers #things are getting batshit crazy now #i love it #prime.txt #first time listening #tma season three #hot takes as i experience tma for the first time

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agendercryptidlev · 24 days

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Thinking about how Riz is the one who first used he/him pronouns for Baron & what it's like being AroAce is a queer space. Thinking about Riz seeing the kinship that Raugh and Kristen formed over both being gay and wanting that connection, that sense of community, but holding himself back because while he wasn't "normal" he also wasn't like them. When you're gay you're family and when you're straight you fit in but what happens when you're neither? How do you categorize that.

Riz isn't afraid of his orientation because he's different by societal standards. It's not being queer that scares him no, it's the isolation of not knowing if anyone else feels the way he does. He knows that if he were gay or bi or pan his friends would understand, he'd be like them and be surrounded by people like him. But he's not like them, he is different in a way that seems entirely unique to himself.

So maybe he kind of wished he was gay, and that Baron existed because that was what he was afraid to admit. It'd be a lot less lonely than the truth.

#riz gukgak #Fantasy High #Fantasy High Junior Year #Dimension 20 #D20 #baron from the baronies #It's like the experience of knowing someone accepts queer folks but not knowing if they accept how you're queer #Tho I don't think Riz fears not being accepted as much as he fears not being understood #He realizes the second he admits he's AroAce he admits there's something entirely different about him than his friends #And he just wants to belong to a group for the first time in his life #To the point that his identity as part of this group is prioritized over his personal identity

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lazycranberrydoodles · 7 months

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i do not remember the plot of scum villain because i read it in 2020 and it feels like a fever dream now so my characterization is entirely based off of the fanon on my dash.

hualian are my favorite but i do feel that bingqiu deserve the win. tgcf is VERY yuri, but svsss has gender as a main theme and both characters keep getting compared to maidens. overall there are more explicit references to women regarding bingqiu.

#this is the first time ive ever scumposted yayyy #theyre also more toxic and weird and reserved about each other. in a good way.#to anybody else hualian is insane but compared to bingqiu its an honest and straightforward relationship #both have complex facades built off of society and trope expectations but hualian drop theirs immediately #and to this day sqq and lbh are still fighting tooth and nail #in my experience yuri can be. a horrible spiderweb of expectations and assumptions and not wanting to make assumptions #hualian have the plausible deniability right up until the end (their romance is literally SO lesbian coded) but . after like 15 minutes #they can tell when the other person is lying #and honesty is less yuri than whatever bingqiu is going through at all times #tgcf #svsss #my art #i guess lmao #art #hualian #bingqiu #guy yuri poll #mspaint #ms paint #cringetober 2023 #cringetober #lmao

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