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#executive hr courses

milescpareview · 2 years

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The Purpose of the Digital HR Transformation & People Analytics Course

At the forefront of Industry 4.0 are digital technologies like Artificial Intelligence, Machine Learning, RPA, and Blockchain. While technology has up until now assisted in automating procedures, digital now has the power to completely reimagine every phase of the HR value chain, from hiring to retirement. The future workplace would be one of agility, adaptability, and seamless employee experience thanks to this HR analytics certification course.

In the workplace of the future, HR will not only be required to report metrics on what happened, but also to actively participate in the business by using data to create business cases, choose between competing solutions, and foresee potential outcomes. You would acquire the skills necessary to realize this vision if you take the course on digital HR transformation and people analytics.

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mrsmarlasinger · 1 year

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Hmmmmmmmm quick question! What do you do when your executive dysfunction has reached such a critical state that you:

are actively ignoring things you desperately need to do

are ghosting your employers (even though you can make it all go away by doing the one thing you most need to do: send an email and QUIT)

have almost three dozen notifications that you can't even bring yourself to look at

completely unironically have done nothing but sleep and flip between two apps for days

are fucking up your professional/financial future even though you need to move out in a matter of months

✨and✨

are paralyzed by anxiety that keeps mounting to increasingly unsustainable heights

YET

you GENUINELY CANNOT figure out how to PHYSICALLY FORCE YOUR BODY to do the (extremely short, extremely important) list of things you keep telling yourself you're going to do

because at this point you can't even shower or change the clothes you've been wearing for days on end?

Asking for a friend. I'm the friend.

#i'm actually really really scared at this point #i don't know what to do i can't get unstuck i feel like i'm being fucking possessed by a demon of sloth or something (idk i'm not catholic)#the last time this happened THIS badly was a year ago in my last semester of college #i literally was not going to graduate bc I couldn't finish my online course and i was every day paralyzed with fear but i COULDN'T #eventually i sat down once for 8 hrs straight and once for 27 hrs straight and knocked it out in two sittings. how did i do that #i feel like i have no control over myself. all i am all the time is tired and miserable and scared and i can't stop sleeping i just can't #i sleep through every single day and i can't stop it. i can't even stop myself from eating chips and candy and fucking bullshit like that #i'm literally just in what feels like a crisis but it's the most static passive crisis on earth and looks from the outside like NOTHING #like you talk to me and think i'm fine and just being really lazy but inside i am panicking and i hate myself but i'm STUCK #idk what to do like i honestly wish i had meth or coke at this point lol. anything to force my brain out of this fucking static haze #i think i'll pound some kratom. red to gloss over the anxiety‚ white for energy. just parachute a couple grams and cure it. i hope.#god you have no idea what i'd do just to get off tumblr and reddit for ten minutes #personal #executive dysfunction #adhd #depression #actually adhd #actually depressed #untreated adhd #vent #vent tw #vent cw #tw vent #cw vent #mental illness #mental illness tw

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welingkar · 1 year

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Welingkar - Best Executive Education Programmes in India

Welingkar Institute of Management Development and Research popularly known as Weschool, offers Best Executive Education Programmes in India. Enroll Now

https://welingkarexedp.com/

#executive management #hr analytics course #data analytics

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uneducated-author · 5 months

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Okay one thing I think of on this lawful day is this.

We joke about like, all the ADA dating enemies except for Kunikida right? And Kunikida finding out about it like-

Kunikida: "THE PORT MAFIA EXECUTIVE DAZAI? NAKAHARA CHUUYA? THAT'S YOUR 'CUTE LITTLE CHIBI HOUSEWIFE'?!

Dazai, thrilled that Kunikda said 'chibi' with his actual voice: "Hey, Atsushi's dating Akutagawa."

Atsushi: "WHA-"

Kunikida, rounding in him: "THE RABID DOG?! IS ANYONE HERE NOT DATING A MEMBER OF THE PORT MAFIA?!"

Yosano: (coughs and carefully rearranges the flower arrangement from Kouyou.)

Ranpo: "I'm not!"

Kunikida: "Oh! Well... Thank you Ranpo, I shouldn't have expected less from such an exemplary dete-"

Ranpo: "I'm dating Poe."

Kunikida: "..."

Kunikida: (SCREAMS)

But I think this would be followed up with Kunikida admitting to have a relationship with Katai, and Fukuzawa coming in like-

Fukuzawa: "You have a romantic relationship with another member of the ADA?"

Kunikida: "Well, Katai technically isn't-"

Fukuzawa: "Nonetheless, a workplace relationship has to be undertaken with care. I hope you have filled out the appropriate forms to HR?"

Kunikida: "... WE DON'T HAVE HR!"

Fukuzawa: "Nonetheless. Of course, I would never stand in the way of love, or dictate who you can start a relationship with, but I will say you ought to have put some... foresight, in who and how you start a relationship."

Kunikida: (Literally passes out, both from bubbling rage and shame at his own failure)

Dazai: "... President, is this because you didn't want to admit to thirsting over TWO heads of enemy organisations?"

Fukuzawa: "Back to work."

Basically I think it would be funny is after all the dramatics and shenanigans, KUNIKDA is the one with the illegal relationship.

#bungou stray dogs #bsd dazai #bsd kunikida #shin soukoku #soukoku #zenki soukoku #bsd katai

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kaibacorpintern · 1 year

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tips and tricks on writing the kaibacorp environment

yes, this is pedantic. but more than that, YES i love small background details that lend a greater sense of accuracy and structure to a fictional world. this is not a complete or exhaustive list. (you are, of course, free to ignore and do whatever you want.)

Kaiba Corporation does not have "clients" - Kaiba doesn't do project work for hire; he's not an attorney or a consultant or an architect, he doesn't do billable hours. his meetings are most likely with his investors or business partners like Pegasus, with his board or c-suite executives (e.g., his chief technology officer, his chief legal officer, his chief human resources officer, etc.), various departmental meetings he might find interesting, and so on. Kaiba Corporation does have customers (the people who BUY the duel disk)/consumers (the people who USE the duel disk) but people who go to Kaiba Land will probably be referred to as visitors or guests. his primary responsibility, as the CEO of a publicly-traded corporation, is creating (financial) value for his shareholders and investors. (whether or not he gives a fuck about this responsibility is up to you.) .

Unless it's something he is responsible for, like quarterly earnings calls and shareholder calls, Kaiba doesn't have to finish or work on reports; he has very few deadlines he himself has to meet; he is not reviewing anything except the most important documents. Even then, as the CEO/president, someone is probably writing the most important documents FOR him and then handing it over for him to present or read off later - which he might revise/adjust as he likes. Kaiba's workdays most likely consist mainly of meetings where people report on how things are going to him, setting business strategy with the c-suite, meeting with the more heavy-hitting investors (for the drama: 'we will withdraw our investments unless you do X,') and writing a bajillion emails. .

Kaiba and Mokuba do not do any hiring or interviewing except for c-suite positions, because those are the people they work with most directly every day, and the people they most need to know are capable, qualified, and competent. they are way too busy to sit down with each one of the 38783 entry-level candidates Kaiba Corp combs through every day. for positions like their executive assistants or chief of staff, who might manage day-to-day schedules and do things like order lunch, an HR manager narrows the field to several qualified candidates and THEN Kaiba would make the final decision on who he wants to hire. .

No one is getting past the front desk at a place like Kaiba Corp without an appointment or a badge. Any given visitor X has to check in at the front desk - the front desk receptionist will look them up in the appointment register, give them a badge, and then let them through. For the c-suite level, or anywhere Kaiba takes his most important/official meetings (like his own office), there might be a second lobby/second desk controlling access. .

Some important dates on Kaiba's and Mokuba's calendars, when the pressure is on and they might be working much harder than usual (for the stress and the drama): - end of quarter/EOQ (4x a year) - end of fiscal year/EOFY. may not be aligned with calendar year - for example, the end of fiscal year might be march 30 - quarterly earnings call (4x a year) - yearly earnings call. Kaiba himself, or someone very high up, like a c-suite exec or a VP, will lead these calls - for things like duel disks, the months leading up to the holiday retail season (when they're preparing for greater demand on consumer product goods) and the holiday retail season itself - for things like Kaiba Land, the summer vacation season, but largely dependent on where their parks ARE (southern california when the weather is nice year-round? tokyo when you have colder weather in the winter and slightly lower attendance? etc.) .

VERY IMPORTANT: Kaiba has an office minifridge. imagine whatever you want in here. his executive assistants or office managers will keep this well-stocked. .

Kaiba, or Mokuba, might lead the quarterly "all-hands meeting" - which is an internal meeting for all employees. for a place like kaibacorp, which KT said has ~2,000 employees, this might be held in a large hall/auditorium. things that might happen at the all-hands meeting: hiring updates (we hired 300 new people in the EMEA region), new mission statements, reiteration of core company values, sharing the company's progress on various OKRs/objectives & key results or key targets (duel disk 2.0 released this year to great acclaim and we made 34.5 billion dollars! suck it nintendo!), public (and potentially anonymous) question-and-answer session at the end, where Kaiba or Mokuba might field employee questions. .

Kaiba or Mokuba might also be responsible for a weekly or monthly all-staff email keeping the entire company apprised of announcements, new partnerships, new business ventures, progress on whatever, new investments, etc. again, someone else (like a marketing manager) might write this for them and send it over for their review/adjustments, but the email officially comes from them. i personally like to imagine Kaiba writes some absolutely bonkers staff emails

#intern memo #this is not to say 'YOU'RE DOING IT WRONG' but instead 'if you want kaibacorp to feel real and accurate this may help'#enjoy. i welcome any additions or polite and friendly corrections

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peanutpinet · 2 years

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My Forever Only - grumpy CEO! Jaehyun x sunshine fem reader

A/N: hi, I've been wanting to write a grumpy x sunshine trope for so long and what better way to write it for my friend @anya-writes-stuff on Tumblr whose birthday just passed! But this is also to everyone who has been struggling and going through uncertainties!

Warnings: toxic working environment, anxiety, sexual talking, cursing, some form of torture

Inspired by Ana Huang's Twisted Love and Twisted Lies

Synopsis: you were working under a company that was going to collaborate with Jaehyun but your ex-company wanted to sue you for something and when you suddenly weren’t the one that would help Jaehyun, he started to question about your presence and when he found out what actually happened, he was ready to make a move and make sure that your ex-company was going to burn for you

Finding a job is one problem. Hoping that the workload was bearable was another. But is getting a job and a decent workload really worth it when your environment is shitty? You were afraid of not doing well in your freelance and that your contract might be terminated so you slowly didn’t realise how much your boss was taking advantage of your skills and selflessness.

Well, it wasn’t until you changed from freelance to part-time, your boss was slowly “pressuring” you to do something that is completely out of your control and specifically requested that you handle it all that you started to realise that while in the beginning he was genuinely thankful for your hard work, ever since you actually worked more with him, he was slowly using you.

Because you didn’t want to disappoint your parents but can’t stand your toxic boss anymore, you secretly tried to look for a new job, hopefully, a full-time one. But it looks like that all the shitty things you had to endure were all worth it when you landed on what might be part of your dream job.

You have always loved being involved in creation; especially if it has something to do with the fashion, lifestyle or entertainment industry. Whether it is just creating ideas or stories that might seem cool to be executed or even execute your imagination. Now, you actually got to do what you love since you were accepted by a Korean fashion brand that you have been loving.

Of course, you were nervous on your first day. Like, who isn’t nervous about starting their first job at one of their dream companies and industry? Wanting to make a good first impression, you took one of your decent-looking top and bottom that fits perfectly with your curves and accentuated your body shape (note: everyone has their own preferences and you all look amazing with whatever you like to wear).

Thankfully, your dad agreed to drop you off on your first day just to make sure the place was correct and you wouldn’t waste any time. Upon arriving, the security guard made sure that you were meeting the HR which they confirmed (well, you still can’t believe you got accepted so you were definitely worried that the HR made a mistake).

Lucky enough, you didn’t mishear the HR and after 10 minutes of waiting, the HR came and brought you and another girl that just came to a room to review the contract for your work. In the midst of going through the contract, you and the girl, who you came to know by Nova, started to get to know each other because apparently, the two of you are going to be working under the same supervisor.

After getting to know the other divisions, you and Nova were brought to the highest floor and into the room where the two of you will be working together. The two of you got to know your supervisor and were immediately given your new laptops and emails. The two of you spent the first hour or so setting up your new emails and laptop, getting used to it and everything when the door opened and revealed a woman somewhat in her 40-50s and was wearing smart casual wear whereas a young man next to her looked to be in his 20s, wearing a casual white top with a denim jacket on top but somehow, looks like a model.

“Mrs Jung, Jaehyun, welcome. Oh, these are the new workers. Nova for social media and (Y/N) for marketing executive. Nova, (Y/N), this is Mrs Jung, she’s the brand owner and fashion designer whereas Jaehyun is her son, he works with brand partnerships, events, photoshoots, etc.” your supervisor, Doyoung announced

“Pleased to meet you girls. We’re happy to have you on board, especially with our new sister brand which Jaehyun will be handling. Also, it’s finally nice to have someone that’s around Jaehyun’s age. I hope that you all will get along with one another. I’m here to just watch over whilst Jaehyun go over about the sister brand and everything” Mrs Jung announced, taking her seat whilst Jaehyun was setting up his presentation

Because it was a sister brand, the fashion styles weren’t that far off from the parent brand. The main difference is that the sister brand’s target audience are millennials and under; the main reason why they’re starting to hire younger people like you and Nova. Long story short, Jaehyun had some of the designs and actual clothing ready and he wanted to have ideas of photoshoots and concepts on where the brand might lead.

Being someone who has been lurking around the fashion industry, getting to know the newest and latest trends, you suddenly pop up on the idea of a sister photoshoot. Somewhere along the lines of two sisters who have quite an age gap, the little sister always looking up to the aesthetic of the older sister and the older sister wanting to help the younger sister find her own style.

You had no idea how on earth you managed to speak up about that idea or how you managed to even continue the idea on the spot. In front of everyone. Especially who is practically your boss and the owner of the brand. What’s more is that the universe seems to be repaying all those hardships you went through because the next words that came out of Mrs Jung not only surprised you but everyone else in the room.

“That is quite the idea you have there, (Y/N). Because the aesthetics are similar and only the cutting and styling are different, that idea of yours might be a great start! What do you think, Jaehyun?” Mrs Jung asked

“It’s definitely something new and fresh. Do you think you can have some mood boards and storyboards sometime end of this week or next week?” Jaehyun asked out of the blue

“Yoonoh, I think that’s too early. You should show her your rough designs, the process of it all and the final product. Don’t just let the poor girl do everything blindly” Mrs Jung commented

“Yes. I will” Jaehyun stated firmly and suddenly his phone was shoved at your face. “Excuse, me?” you asked, looking up at Jaehyun who was staring down at you

“Your number. It’ll be easier for me to see if your vision is aligned with the brand rather than going back and forth through emails or Doyoung. Don’t be mistaken, you still have to get your his acceptance. I just want to make sure that you’re not going off-track or anything. Text me when you’ve finished your lunch, I’ll show you the rough sketches we did in the beginning” Jaehyun stated as you key in your number and handed it back to him as he bowed to everyone and headed out

“Well, that turned out better than I expected. Now, don’t feel pressured girls, it’s just your first day. Enjoy the process. Oh and (y/n), I apologise in advance if my son makes you feel pressured. But I’ll let you in on a little secret. He normally doesn’t agree with my comments like just now about your idea. He’d typically have a debate and ended up scaring my employees. He also practically never saves any employee’s number except your supervisor, his assistant who used to be his nanny, some of the managers and the COO. Just let me know if my son becomes a bit too much for you and I can’t wait to see your idea come to life!” Mrs Jung explained whereas you just paid attention and bowed when she left

Well, you might’ve “escaped” one problem but Jung Jaehyun just might change that. Or, he might actually show you the differences between toxic working culture and boss with a friendly environment where the heads of the company feel like your seniors from university.

Days have gone to weeks and suddenly you’ve already been working for nearly 3 months; which is basically your probation time under Jung Jaehyun. Throughout your probation, you‘ve been working closely with Jaehyun and you can say that he’s basically your boss and supervisor because the time you spend working with him is basically longer than with your own supervisor, Doyoung.

Throughout that time, you’ve come to unintentionally memorise his little habits. How he likes to order or make his coffee, that he almost never wears a suit and when he does, he always has to have someone help tie his tie; on occasion, that person is you. How he scrunched his nose whenever his glasses were slowly dropping. That he doesn't like to smile but that one time you defended him towards some rude business partners, Jung Jaehyun actually smiled and he had dimples!

There were ups and downs working directly under Jaehyun. But never once did he actually push you too far that would make you uncomfortable. He was also a reasonable and understanding man. He never took advantage of your skills and when there are things that you could actually do, Jaehyun would actually do them instead, making the excuse that he wanted to be more involved which made warmed your heart at the thought of a boss actually wanting to be hands-on even on some miscellaneous things.

Though the two of you rarely talked to each other except when it comes to work, it was a nice atmosphere. Sometimes when you had to work overtime with Jaehyun, he would ask what you like to eat and though it was probably different from what he was used to eating, he enjoyed the options that you give him. In return of his kindness, sometimes, when you arrive earlier, you would have his coffee order along with some pastries and a sticky note, telling him to eat breakfast.

Little did you know that Jaehyun was slowly warming up to you and your personality. He didn’t know what hit him but when you voiced out your opinion on your first day, Jaehyun was quite stunned. He wasn’t used to someone, especially someone new, showcasing their thoughts that easily. While asking for your number for work was his original purpose, Jaehyun can’t help but want to try and talk about other things than work with you. Those little texts asking what you typically like to eat, places you visit, and even university experience, they all might look like they’re related to work at first but in reality, it’s just an excuse for Jaehyun to talk to you.

After your probation, Jaehyun had to review your contract and determine whether you’ll get a raise or not. Which, after those 3 months, it was a simple decision on Jaehyun’s end. He already requested the HR and legal team to prepare for both you and Nova’s new contracts. Of course, there were some tweaks for both of you, mainly you because Jaehyun wanted you to officially work under him.

After reviewing the contract and being satisfied with it, Jaehyun was more than ready to personally hand you the new contract the following week. Unfortunately, his hopes were soon crashed when the HR informed him there was a problem with the previous “company” that you worked at as a part-timer and thus your contract had to be postponed.

“For fucks sake, I’m basically her boss. So tell me, what the fuck happened?! She ended her contract with her previous company/boss, which means that she’s able to work freely” Jaehyun growled, running his fingers through his hair, aggressively throwing his tie because he couldn’t tie it properly, especially when the tie reminds him of you

“The thing is sir, h-her previous boss suddenly wants to sue her for some ‘damage’ she caused for their company. I’m not sure what are they suing b-but…” the HR tried to explain but Jaehyun cuts her off immediately

“I want proof. An email, letter, something. Dig deep and find something. Get me Johnny, Yuta and Taeyong. Now. And also, tell Jaemin and Jeno to keep an eye on her, to update me on what’s going around” Jaehyun demanded, the HR immediately rushing out of Jaehyun’s office to get everything he needed

“Where are you?” Jaehyun texted you

“Sir? I informed the HR and Doyoung about my absence. I apologise for my carelessness. Please don’t wait on me. You should find someone else to replace me” you texted him back

“Find someone else, my ass” Jaehyun tsked at the message as Johnny, Yuta and Taeyong came

“You called us?” Johnny asked, Taeyong and Yuta following close behind

“Find out about her previous job, the contract between her and the company…” Jaehyun demanded, showing them everything that the HR emailed regarding your sudden situation

“Ahhh, the girl that’s been working under you for the past 3 months? The only girl in this office aside from your mom, your assistant whose number you saved?” Johnny questioned, smirking when he looked at the files in Jaehyun’s tab

“I want the information in 10 minutes. Taeyong, I need you to go over the contract to make sure if they truly have the right to sue her or something else. Yuta, hack into the communication application that they used, I want to make sure if something happened in those conversations” Jaehyun commanded and everyone immediately got to work

Though Jaehyun requested all the information within 10 minutes, Jeno and Jaemin were in the midst of keeping an eye on you at the same time trying to connect to your device to hopefully retrieve some information. After nearly half an hour, everyone finally got what Jaehyun wanted and after much reviewing, Jaehyun was more than ready to kill someone. If someone thought that he was furious before, he was practically crazy at the information he received because you were actually innocent and your previous boss/company was suing you out of pettiness.

“So basically, she was originally working freelance for the man then transitioned to part-time where he basically took advantage of her kindness and made her do much more work than what he paid for and even made her work on other days just because she was still doing her freelance work for him. Suing her is a very petty move considering that the company’s earnings were pretty much relying on the public, like the fashion industry so it’s very much subjective. The funny thing is that she already voiced out her opinion on how to improve but the boss was pretty much ignorant about her advice and now that he’s suffering the result, he’s trying to get back at her by suing her” Johnny summarised the entire situation

“Fucking hell. You guys can make sure that she wins the case, right?” Jaehyun questioned

“What do you take us for? This is child’s play, Jung. Just make sure that she’s alright. We’ll sort this out” Yuta replied, finishing writing some stuff for the case

“We’ll get Taeil and Jungwoo to help as well. There’s nothing you should worry about other than (Y/N)’s well-being. We’ll let everyone know that you took the rest of the day off” Taeyong added on

“Aside from this case, I don’t want anyone or anything else reaching my personal phone” Jaehyun stated, grabbing some of his things and walking out the door. “Oh, and guys. Find me the boss of her previous company, will you? Thanks” Jaehyun added

Never in his life did he think that he would be that person that would go out of their way, their comfort zone for someone else. Typically, other people would have to adapt to his way but you somehow made him adapt his life to revolve around you. Jaehyun didn’t know exactly when it happen. But one thing was for sure, he wasn’t going to allow the one person that is keeping him sane go just because of some petty person who can’t let go of you. Well, in all honesty, Jaehyun sure as hell wouldn’t want to let you go but he also wouldn’t do anything to sabotage or hurt you.

After a horrendous drive because of traffic, Jaehyun managed to arrive at your home which he found, courtesy of the HR. Ringing the doorbell, he was greeted by the sight of your casual self, wearing an oversized hoodie and shorts that fall right above your knee, you weren’t wearing any makeup but to Jaehyun, you still look stunning.

“Hi” Jaehyun breathed out. “Hi. Are you here to take the company laptop back?” you asked

“W-what?! No. I’m here to take you back. Well, perhaps not immediately. What I’m trying to say is that your suing case is being handled. So, please, come back and work. Work for me” Jaehyun pleaded, almost sounding as if he was begging

“What?! What do you mean? What did you do?” you asked, so many thoughts running through your head that you had to sit down to process what Jaehyun just said

“I know what happened. I mean, I know about your previous company suing you. Technically I’m your boss so I have to know these things but when we dug deeper into the actual situation, he doesn’t have the rights to sue you. But since he did, he won’t win. I’ve made sure of it” Jaehyun explained, sitting in front of you and grabbed your hands in his

“S-sir?” you stuttered. “Jaehyun. Just, call me Jaehyun from now. I, there’s something I want to tell you that I’ve been meaning to tell you for quite some time” Jaehyun started, his breathing got heavier and his voice was not as smooth like usual

“I don’t know when it happened. Maybe it was the first day you came and stunned me with your voiced-out opinion. Or maybe it was during that time you defended me against the rude business partners. Or even when we were sitting on the floor in my office, eating takeouts while watching Disney movies. But one thing for sure is that somewhere along the line, I fell for you. Your cheerful, optimistic, selfless personality. I can’t imagine what the office or myself would be like without you. You’re basically the light to my darkness. Without you, I’d be lost. As much as I want you to be mine, I don’t want you to do it because you were forced to. But whatever happens, please stay. I’d do anything for you so that you’ll stay. Worried about the suing case, I’ve got it covered. Unsure about your career paths? I’ll help you go through each one until you find the one that you like. Worried financially? I’ll take care of you. I’d do it, for you” Jaehyun confessed, bringing your hands closer to his lips until he was kissing your knuckles

“S-sir, I mean, Jaehyun. I, I don’t know what to say. I mean, I used to think that you were so cold and closed from everyone that I almost find it impossible to approach you. But that time the business partners were rude to you, it just, it was out of the line. Sure you were cold and seemed a bit mean, but that doesn’t mean that you don’t have feelings either. Plus, you were considerate of your employees. You didn’t push people or force them to do anything they were uncomfortable with and I, I appreciate that. Also, the fact that you were considerate in giving leaves to your employees and secretly worked overtime so your employees don’t have to. And I guess, somewhere, down the line, I might’ve also slowly liked you” you slowly confessed to Jaehyun who suddenly pulled you into his lap

“Y-you’re serious right?! You’re not playing with me right now” Jaehyun questioned, looking into your eyes, worried that it was just some sort of dream

“H-honestly, I thought you were the one that was joking with me. I mean, you were quite cold but because of your warm behaviour, I found myself slowly liking you that I’m not sure if it was possible to get close to you” you stuttered, wrapping your arms around Jaehyun’s neck unconsciously

“I’m glad that I came over then. You don’t have anything to worry about, okay? I’ll take care of you” Jaehyun breathed, both your foreheads touching

“Jae…w-what if you’re the one that gets sued?” you asked, gripping his shirt

“It’ll be fine. Trust me. They won’t get to me. They made a mistake for suing you, for nearly taking you away from me. But let’s not worry about that right now. I want to spend the rest of the night with my girlfriend. Let me make dinner this time, okay?” Jaehyun smiled, kissing your forehead

To say that you weren’t expecting that day to happen was definitely an understatement. The entire week, your anxiety was building up from receiving the message about your previous boss suing you, your work piled up, having to tell the HR about the situation and even making a decision on continuing after your probation ended or not. At first, you really did think of leaving because you didn’t want to be a burden for Jaehyun, plus it would probably help you get rid of the feelings you had for him.

But on the other hand, you were glad that Jaehyun found out about the situation. Seeing him arrive at your home and confess everything lifted a heavy weight on your shoulder. You never imagined that you would actually confess your own feelings to Jaehyun but here the two of you are, in your kitchen, making dinner together.

“What got you all smiling all of a sudden?” Jaehyun asked, placing the dishes on the table

“I’m just. Happy. This all feels so surreal. You have no idea what I’ve been thinking the past week” you replied, leaning onto Jaehyun’s shoulder

“As much as I want to know what is in that pretty little mind of yours, I think it’s a topic saved for next time. Also, you have no idea how much you made me happy” Jaehyun cooed at you melting in his embrace as he placed a kiss on your forehead

By the end of the night, you and Jaehyun cleaned up and then watch some movies whilst cuddling under a blanket. When you started to feel sleepy, Jaehyun helped carry you up to your room and laid you on the bed, making you giggle.

“The back pain was definitely worth that smile” Jaehyun chuckled, sitting at the edge of your bed

“Well, let me help you out with that” you giggled but helped massage Jaehyun’s shoulders and his back that was tensing

You could tell that Jaehyun wasn’t used to the somewhat intimate interaction with his tensed back but slowly, he relaxed his shoulders and enjoyed the massage you were given. The silence between the two of you was a nice silence, well, until Jaehyun turned to look at you that just stopped your movements.

“W-what?” you asked, heat slowly rising to your cheeks when you realised how close the two of you were

“You’re just breathtaking, even in your casual wear and no makeup. You have no idea how long I’ve been holding back” Jaehyun stated, cupping your cheeks. “Th-then…don’t” you managed to breathe out before Jaehyun slowly pulled you in and closed the gap between you two

The kiss was actually something you did not imagine. You would think that someone that seemed cold as Jaehyun would be a bit rough or awkward but this kiss wasn’t any of that. Instead, it brought warmth to the two of you, like the two of you were destined to complement one another. The grumpy boss with the sunshine employee, the cold attitude with the carefree one.

“Promise that you’ll be my forever only?” Jaehyun asked, pulling away from the kiss

“If you promise to stay and not take advantage of me” you replied, your tone was a bit worrying but Jaehyun left a lingering kiss on your forehead

“Trust me, peach, you’re the only woman that I have eyes for, the only woman that I actually went out of my way to pursue. 사랑해 또 사랑해” Jaehyun replied back, capturing your lips on his again

Bonus scene :D because I want to (Jaehyun’s POV)

The night that I stayed over at (Y/N) felt like a dream that I don’t want to wake up from, that I want to relive every day. Days turn to weeks and (Y/N) came back to work for me, practically also being my assistant. The hard-ass days of work didn’t seem to bother me when I know that she was here, with me.

Unfortunately, when I received a message from Johnny regarding (Y/N)’s previous boss, the one that sued her, bitterness immediately drenched me. I had nearly forgotten about it had Johnny not texted me about it. Sighing, I opened the message from Johnny.

Johnny: I got the guy, took two weeks to track him down but we managed to get him. He’s in the basement, text me when you want to you know…

Jaehyun: why do you always have to ruin my good mood?

Johnny: hey, you already got the girl. It’s not like she’s gonna go anywhere. Well, unless you suddenly scare her

Jaehyun: funny. I’ll be there after work today. I just need to tell (y/n) that there’s a sudden meeting with you then probably ask Sungchan to drop her off

Johnny: she really has you wrapped around her finger, hasn’t she? You’re whipped

Jaehyun: I’ll see you after work, don’t forget to bring Yuta, Jeno and Jaemin.

After my short text with Johnny, (y/n) came into the room with lunch. Thankfully, I was good at switching my emotions. Especially when I started to date (y/n). Whenever I see or even just hear her, my mood immediately lightens up.

It has become known around the office that (y/n) and I are a thing and while some employees became jealous and even tried to get one of us to break, I immediately made them back off unless of course, they wanted to be sent out the door.

The two of us ate lunch whilst going through some of the new projects and collaborations, occasionally ditching work and just feeding each other, talking about our day which reminded me that I had to tell (y/n) that I had a sudden “meeting” with Johnny and told her that I’ll have Sungchan drop her off. She ended the lunch by pecking my lips and telling me not to overwork and that she’ll leave some dinner for me.

The rest of the day was nothing special other than (y/n) visiting me before she left to go home first. As much as I was tempted to just leave Johnny and the rest handle her ex-boss, I too wanted my fair share of “teaching” him a lesson about hurting someone I care and love. Sighing, I reluctantly pulled away from our kiss and send (y/n) off with Sungchan.

After receiving a message from Johnny that he and the others are waiting, I changed my clothing to a basic all-black outfit because there will probably be some bloodshed. Putting on my gloves, I made my way to the basement and opened the door, seeing Johnny, Yuta, Jeno and Jaemin at the center of the room with who seems to be (y/n)’s ex-boss.

I made my way in front of the man who was bounded onto the chair, with duct tape around his lips to seal his mouth. I roughly pulled the tape off which caused the man to scream. “Are you done screaming?” I questioned, standing back up and looking down at the man

“Who the hell are you people?! What do you think you’re doing?! Just wait till someone finds me, I’ll…” the man shouted and I shot a bullet that grazed his ear

“You’ll sue me? Like you sued my girlfriend because you were petty about her suddenly leaving you? Move on, man. You’re the one that took advantage of her. Which you probably didn’t realise because you were enjoying yourself while she did all the work for you” I scoffed at the memory of all the conversations (y/n) had with him

“You meant (y/n)? She left my business for you? What, the two of you suddenly met, had good sex and slept together? Is that why she suddenly left? What a pathetic b—” the man didn’t even get to finish his sentence because I had punched him with my brass knuckles

“You don’t get to say her name. Especially in here. And here’s another fact. You don’t own her. She’s her own person who just happens to be mine. And you know what I hate the most?” I yanked his hair back so I could get a better look at his beaten face. “I hate when someone hurts someone that I treasure, that I love” I growled, pushing his head as I walked over to grab a blade

“You got lucky that you didn’t go too far. Lucky for you that she’s nice enough to tell me to just tell you to cancel the lawsuit. Unfortunately. I’m not her. Let this be a lesson, hmm? Don’t. Come. For. What. Is. Mine. I assure you that next time, you won’t be as lucky” I stated, piercing the blade into his hands, pushing through the flesh and bones

A/N: I hope that this wasn't a bit much. Hope that everyone has been well and enjoyed the fic! As usual, stay safe and healthy! I'll talk to you guys in the next one! :) xoxo Vinet

#nct #nct 127 #nct x reader #nct scenarios #nct imagines #nct 127 scenarios #nct 127 imagines #nct jaehyun #nct jung jaehyun #nct jaehyun scenarios #nct jaehyun imagines #jung jaehyun #jung jaehyun x reader #jung jaehyun scenarios #jung jaehyun imagines #jaehyun scenarios #jaehyun imagines

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mangoshorthand · 2 years

Text

No Hard Feelings- [Five Hargreeves x F Reader]. Ch1

SUMMARY: You're Five's latest assassination target, but things don't go to plan and now he wants you as his fuckbuddy. Funny how what we want and what we need are rarely in line. (Aged up Five because things get smutty...obviously.) Chapter One - Chapter Two - Chapter Three - Chapter Four - Chapter Five- Chapter Six - Chapter Seven - Chapter Eight - Chapter Nine - Chapter Ten - Chapter Eleven - Chapter Twelve

In this opening chapter, you’re a nice, normal girl having a nice normal evening. What could possibly go wrong?

Chapter One: Nothing Personal You’re about to turn in for the night. Today was long and tomorrow promises to be no better. You know you’re lucky to have your position, only six years into a real career, but it doesn’t make it any easier to be constantly talked over. Your co-worker, Charlie, was particularly infuriating today, sneering at your idea and then pitching the exact same thing with a few words changed. Of course, he got claps on the back from all the old farts in the meeting room. Fuckers. No matter how much your HR department talks about equality, you know it’s just a bullshit boys’ club.

You rub your hand across your eyes and forehead. Your feet ache from wearing heels all day. Dressed to the nines just to be treated like furniture. You'd kicked them off as soon as you came in the door; shedding your nice, conservative dress with relief. You’d thrown on a pair of sweatpants and, after slinging your bra over the bedroom door, covered your top half with an old camisole. Maybe a little tattered, but comfortably so.

You intended to go for a run tonight but, fuck that: you’ve earned a bit of self-indulgence. After turning on an old sitcom, you get up from the couch and cross to the freezer. It's time for a pint of ice cream. You know it’s going to be easier to imagine seeing Charlie’s bitch-ass face tomorrow morning with the cool carton in your hand. Are you binge eating? Yes. Do you care? No.

You close the freezer door only to reveal a gun held inches from your temple. You drop the ice cream, hearing its frozen-solid thump on the floor. Your wide, terrified eyes meet the intruder's and you collapse to your knees, legs having totally given way.

“Cookie dough, huh?” says the man who will soon send a bullet into your brain, splattering gore onto your fridge-freezer. “I’m more of a Cherry Garcia guy myself.”

You look up at him, trembling. Somehow you know this isn't a robbery.

He’s young. Younger than you; maybe twenty. His posture is casual, as if he's standing in line at a McDonalds rather than about to shoot you execution-style. He's relaxed, his head tilted backwards slightly. He’s dressed impeccably in a well-fitting but otherwise nondescript black three-piece suit. His hair is swept neatly to one side and a wry, cocky smile fills his face even as he clicks off the safety. His jawbone could cut glass.

“Please,” you whimper, feeling your heart beat frantically in your throat. For all the world, you think it’s trying to thump out your lifetime’s worth of beats until this man stops it prematurely, “why?”

“It’s nothing personal,” he says. His smile doesn’t falter...but then your eyes meet his green ones, beseeching. Something flickers in his; something human.

You don’t know why you do it- it’s not a conscious choice. Feeling as if your bladder and bowels are about to let go, you fall forward with your eyes still locked on his, trying to hold onto that piece of pity, that piece of mercy as you hold his gaze. Desperately, you wrap your arms about his waist, hands coming to rest somewhere between his thighs and buttocks, your nose pressed into his lower stomach.

Clearly, whatever he expected from this encounter, it wasn’t this. As the TV plays the familiar sitcom theme tune, his cool demeanor cracks. The smile runs off his face like water down a drain. You hear his hand contract around the gun as he presses the barrel into your temple. It’s a horrible metallic sound and you hear it in all its minute detail: just like your heart, your brain is also making the most of the time it has left, stretching the seconds like taffy; every micro-perception coming upon you in vivid detail. You don’t know why, but you know that your only hope is to maintain this eye contact. You’ll do whatever it takes to get out of this. Anything to save your life.

His expression hardens. You clutch him and your vision blurs as silent tears come.

“Please…don’t”

At some point in the countless, interminable seconds you stare into his face, you become conscious of where your mouth is. As you breathe raggedly, your lips graze the material covering his groin. You know he’s noticed too. His posture changes uncomfortably and the gun slackens slightly.

He inhales sharply through his nose as he looks down at you, eyes ablaze. With anger? Disdain? Maybe. You can feel him hardening rapidly beneath his pants. He shifts again and something presses gently into your chin. You feel your face flush yet you dare not move.

He breaks eye contact and a thrill of fear rushes through you. The one thing tethering him to you and it’s gone. You’re living your last moments now. His neck arches, Adam’s apple standing out in harsh relief as he looks up, eyes on the ceiling, breathing hard. He stays that way for a second or two, trying to compose himself. You want to beg him, to bargain, to tell him you’ll do whatever he wants… but fear and overwhelming instinct keeps you silent but for hitching breath. At last, he looks down again, though not resuming eye contact. His gaze seems to rake what parts of your body he can see. You’re sure he catches a glimpse down your camisole to your naked breasts. You know your nipples must be prominent. Your cheeks burn.

And then, again, your eyes meet. A tiny movement; barely there and surely unconscious on his part. His pelvis moves forward, the pressure of his hidden but rock-solid erection becoming fractionally more pronounced on your mouth and chin. He inhales, throatily, his eyes lidded now. Not a trace of the cocksure smile of a few moments ago.

Then, from under his breath.

“Son of a bitch.”

He seems exasperated. His right hand slackens and the gun falls to his side. As he steps back, your overtaxed nerves finally fail you. The world falls away as you sprawl forward onto your cheap kitchen linoleum.

Five holds a glass of single malt. This isn’t how things are supposed to happen. Is he losing his touch, can’t even take out a single target these days? Does he shit his pants because a girl looks up at him now? He knows he’ll have to finish what he started, so why is he putting it off?

…Because shitting his pants wasn’t the problem: her tits were. Or her lips. Or her hair. Or the way her breath warmed his crotch, penetrating the layers of fabric between them. It had been unsettling: the way his hips had moved, seemingly without conscious design on his part. The body wanted friction…wanted her. He sighs, sweeping his hair back and altering his seated posture, the better to accommodate another growing erection.

This all because he’d fucked up that first time, when he’d trapped himself in the teenage body, sentencing himself to a few years stewing in hormonal rage and frustration. He’d coped with it, (for the second time) and he’d thought it was over, that he was controlled now the body had grown beyond sexual maturity. Sure, he was over the horrors of puberty but the virility was still…a problem. A problem perfectly summed up by the fact he'd just popped a boner on a barstool.

She was a pretty girl but not breathtakingly so. The photograph in the file hadn’t done her justice. She had seemed just a suburban twenty-something trying to make it in the big city... and that’s what she is. So why had her eyes assailed him so much? Something in them…or something they saw in him?

He sighs, rubbing a hand over his eyes and forehead.

“Tough one, son?”

He looks up at the old man sitting a few barstools down and gives him a slight smile.

“You might say that.”

“Chick stuff or job stuff?”

Five lets out a slightly dark chuckle, “Both, my friend.”

“I’d call that a double-whammy. Ain’t life a bitch?” the man replies, draining the last of his drink.

Five gestures to the barman, wallet in hand.

“Whatever my friend over there’s having.”

The man toasts Five with his empty glass and goes back to playing with his bar mat.

He'd wanted retirement. He'd wanted to just let it all go. They're where they should be, powers all intact. Theoretically, there had been nothing to stop him just checking out. His real body got tired easily and would have relished the rest, but this body? No siree. Not with all those healthy young neurons firing up there his brain, his muscles, bones and joints strong and ready for another lifetime's activity.

After a few weeks of vacation, he was bored out of his mind, full of pent-up energy and feeling pretty stupid dressing the young body in old-man clothes. Full retirement had not suited him so, eventually, he'd told Herb that he was happy to work on a freelance basis. The occasional project had kept him sane over the last six years, as well as giving him an excuse to wear suits again. It was simply easier and less unsettling to self-image to wear a style that would suit a man of any age.

Five’s moral code was liberal (to say the least) but he drew the line at committing murder out of sheer boredom. Up until this evening, his duties had been strictly analytical- he’d been acting more as a consultant given his status as the founder of the Commission in some remote permutation of himself. Herb asked him to take on this job as a favor, (something about cost-saving and briefcase scarcity) and Five reluctantly agreed.

Her face rises unbidden to his mind’s eye. He takes a sip of scotch, savoring the burn on his tongue and throat as it goes down. The way she blushed, the way a tear rolled down her cheek. Her beautiful, pleading, wide-pupiled eyes. They had stirred something in him beyond his sexual frustration…but it’s no use dwelling on that.

Necking the last of his drink, Five decides. He can’t leave things as they are. It’s time to take action.

The blanket you woke up beneath is around your shoulders. One of the two cops, Officer Roja, sits on one of your dining chairs, facing you. She taps the end of her biro contemplatively against her notebook. Behind her, Officer Boden assesses the apartment, craning his head around doors and taking in the view from various angles.

“Can you give me a description of the man?”

The mug of coffee Officer Rojas made for you warms your fingers but it barely penetrates the bone deep numbness that’s settled all over you.

“He was young…white. College aged, I’d guess. But he was wearing a nice suit. Like a jacket and a waistcoat. It wasn’t the sort of outfit a college guy would have, I’d think. And he seemed…he seemed older when he spoke.”

“Mhm.” she said, taking a note. “That’s great, you’re doing really well. Can you tell me anything about his appearance? His face?”

You cast your mind back and find your memory disturbingly exact. His image is burned into your brain, his voice easily recalled. If you had to, you think you might be able to pick him out of a line-up by his smell alone- the smell of his aftershave.

“He had dark brown hair. Longer at the front, shorter at the back. Kinda…swept over. Green eyes. That sort of green that changes in different lights.”

She raises her eyebrows as she scribbles, impressed at recall you sense must be rare in other witnesses. The idea makes your cheeks burn with shame, although right then you aren’t sure exactly why.

“His nose was…it was straight but a little hooked? There were two small moles- maybe birthmarks on his cheek. His left cheek,” you gesture at the corresponding spot on your face.

“How tall was he?” prompted Officer Rojas, nodding.

You shake your head, unsure. You spent most of your time on your knees looking up at him so perspective was hard to gauge. The only thing you have as a reference was how his groin ended up right by your mouth as you knelt.

“Under six foot but I can’t tell you more than that. Five seven? Maybe eight?”

“Thanks ma’am, that’s so great.”

From beside the fridge-freezer, Officer Boden cuts in.

“You passed out here?”

You nod.

“But you woke up there-”

You nod again, feeling your face spasm with suppressed tears.

“-and the door was still locked from the inside?”

You feel your eyes screw up and sobs begin to puff their way out of your tightly-held lips as the tears come. Rojas places a hand on your arm.

“It’s okay, ma’am. You’re doing perfectly.”

“This building got cameras?” Boden continues, brusquely.

You nod, trying to speak through sobs.

“Uh…th-there’s one at the front door, one in the elevator. Maybe there are others? I- I don’t know.”

You just cry for a minute then, remembering the way he’d just been there when you closed the freezer. Aside from the Cookie Dough melting on the floor, you might have thought you imagined the whole thing. When you open your eyes, it’s clear that a silent conversation has been going on between Rojas and Boden. She’s giving him a look that means: leave this with me, dumbass. When she turns to you, her voice is gentle and her eyes concerned.

“I’m going to ask you something now, and you can just nod or shake your head. You don’t have to go into detail just now, okay?

You nod your understanding.

“Did this man hurt you in any way?”

You shake your head, tears still falling.

“He just held the gun to your head for a while? He didn’t hit you, kick you or anything like that?”

You shake your head again.

“Did he…did he touch you inappropriately?”

You shake your head for a third time, but the idea draws another sob from you.

“Ma’am?” says Rojas, softly, but Boden speaks again.

“You say you passed out here but you woke up there,” he indicated the two spots with a sweep of his arm, “that means he moved you. Did he perhaps drug you? You eat or drink anything? Maybe he injected you with something?”

This shocks you into speech, “No. No, I just passed out. I was scared. I haven’t been- everything’s fine.”

The way his hips moved fractionally towards you recurred in your mind: the way you could feel his erection against your face…but then, other things didn’t match with that picture: his ‘just business’ attitude and the way he hurriedly disengaged from you after that moment. He seemed…almost scared by what was happening…but he wanted you for at least a moment: that part you couldn’t deny.

And the worst thing? You couldn’t deny that, for at least a moment, you wanted him too.

You open your mouth to tell them, but something stops you. It seems wrong in a way you wouldn’t be able to explain. It seems unfair: it was a moment of vulnerability for both of you.

“I haven’t been raped,” you say, much more calmly, “I don’t think there was time, anyway. My show was starting a minute before I passed out. When I woke up on the sofa, it was still before the first ad-break. I could only have been out for a few minutes.”

Both cops look at you. You know what they’re thinking: it only takes a few minutes. You know that’s true butas you think back to that look in his eyes as they held yours, you know that he didn’t.

“You got family, Miss?” said Boden, “Or a friend, maybe? We gotta take you down to the station but after that you shouldn’t be alone tonight.”

Herb spills his tea into his saucer as Five blinks straight into his office once again, eyes aglow and energy high. Slapping the file onto Herb’s desk, Five doesn’t apologize for his rude entrance, too pumped to tell what he has to say.

“Got him Herb. Guy called Chet Monroe. Real piece of shit. For once I can’t wait to take this fucker out.”

Recovering himself, Herb swallows his last sip of tea.

Five Hargeeves had never failed to take out a target before. When Dot brought Herb the report from field agents that police had been seen escorting the mark, completely unharmed, from her building, he’d been extremely perturbed: Hargreeves was known for being volatile and following his own ends, the timeline be damned, and him going rogue had always meant very bad things for The Commission.

When a message from Five arrived requesting a meeting, Herb was unsure whether to be terrified or relieved. As it happened, Five was apologetic and only requesting to perform some recalculations. To this, Herb acquiesced immediately, just thankful to have Five working with them rather than against them.

He just has time to say: “Chet Monroe?” before Five launches into his spiel.

“Sex trafficker!” he says, triumph obvious in his voice. “The meat merchant. He’s the one who sources vulnerable girls, makes them feel safe and then pulls it out from under them. When I take him out, we preserve the timeline and we save a few girls...from him, anyway. It’s win-win. It's always nice when they're some real shitbag. I’ll waive my fee on this whole thing.”

“Let's see,” says Herb.

He opens the file and shifts the papers inside, looking at the potential new mark with interest. After scanning the information, he finds himself smiling with more mischief than he usually employs with Five.

“This seems more…vigilante than usual for you. I guess your brother would be proud of you.”

Five responds with a scoff, “You mean that bargain-basement batman? No, this is just about the math- him being an evil piece of shit is just a bonus. And then, guess what? He’s only one link in the chain further on. Two months after I meet her, that human shit-stain cat calls my girl and she tells him where to stick it. That will make him pissed off enough to beat the shit out of one of his girls, which means she’s too ill to rob the grocery store, so-”

Herb nods and waves a hand.

“I’ve read the files."

He knows the chain reaction that would eventually lead to timeline destruction. This certainly wasn't procedural, but since being in charge of the Commission, Herb had come to learn that timelines were far more malleable than he'd been led to believe. Most procedures, he discovered, were more to do with matters of bureaucracy than they were to do with paradox prevention. It was a discovery that was, at first, unsettling to him but now he finds it oddly freeing. After contemplating Five for a second, he makes his decision.

“Dot chose that girl mainly for ease of access. Single, lives alone, no combat experience. Seemed a waste of your skills but she was in your city, in your timeframe. Wouldn't even need a briefcase.”

"So you'll sign off the switch? This guy's in my timeframe too: don't need a briefcase for him either.”

Herb grins.

“You know,” he says, taking another sip of tea and fixing Five with a knowing look, “she sounds pretty special.”

He didn't miss the proprietary look that crept into Number Five’s eyes when he said ‘my girl’. Five doesn’t respond to the implication.

“Will you sign it off?”

Herb grins, “Of course, I'm sure Dot will understand.”

With a flash, no thanks and no goodbye, Herb is left alone, shaking his head.

“Ah, young love.” he murmurs with a little smirk, glad that Five is out of earshot.

Masterpost

Alternatively, join me on A03. Here is a link to the whole series

This is the first chapter of four Five X Reader Fics that are all posted on Ao3. I am in the process of writing a 5th. Smut is ever-present but takes a back seat to plot and character study in later instalments

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seat-safety-switch · 10 months

Text

A lot of people ask me: just how many foreign bearded ladies did your dad fuck when he was travelling the world, hoping for any circus that would take him? The answer seems to always be: “one more.” Thanksgiving is busy. My half-brother, Saito Safety-Switch, grew up in a deprived environment. His childhood was spent in opulent comfort, wanting for nothing… except what his genes demanded. His body and mind screamed out for a shitty American car, yet none were available to him in the xenophobic and closed-minded world of Japanese so-called “high society.”

One morning, he was riding his 24-speed race bicycle (affixed with homemade “HUFFY” and “BURGER KING” stickers) past a dingy three-car dealership, shoved into the corner of two pachinko parlours and a restaurant where you could make out with a girl pretending to be a train station ticket dispensing robot for ¥350/hr. That’s when he saw it.

Now, things were worse back then. We didn’t have the Hunter-Killers. The Japanese had not invented the New Atmospheric Miracle. Human nerves were slower than light speed. All he had was a lot of worthless fiat currency in search of Fiats. Or, as he found it, a Dodge Michigan.

The Dodge Michigan is a product of Chrysler Corporation becoming delaminated even more than usual during the Cocaine Era. They thought: Japanese people love front-wheel drive cars. They thought: Japanese people love foreign luxury cars. They thought: we should sell them a 1986 Dodge Aries with fancy tail lights. They were wrong.

It took several months for Saito to convince the shaken inspectors that it was even a real car, ultimately choosing to purchase the inspection corporation through a shell company and having the former executives forcibly uploaded to the Heavens.

Friends: the 2.2 litre iron block shit-stirrer sitting comfortably inside the Michigan as it left its depressing American hometown for the promised land of the Pacific Rim did not last long. “Inefficient,” the tax authorities claimed, and penalized Saito. Here’s the thing about being the adopted child of Japan’s richest bearded-lady fetishist: you’ve had enough “original” for your entire life. It came out. The 13B Mazda rotary from a Roadpacer went in. And just to stick it in Uncle Nippon’s eye, a couple turbochargers. American, of course, built in one of the last surviving sentient manufactories before the Exultation.

By the time the authorities had recovered from their database failure and machine-mind emotional cascade collapse, I was on the ground in Haneda to meet my step-bro for some extremely complicated coffee. I didn’t expect what I’d be getting picked up in.

Somehow, he’d managed to hire folks to Sawzall actual subway hanger straps from the Chicago e-line, complete with the internal structure to retain the rails. It was pasted from stem to stern with imported industrial grit, ground into the carbon fibre’s centimetre thick bass boat clear in lieu of mica flake. And the tires were wide enough, secured in tripled-up Trans Am (the series, not the model) box overfenders, that two members of the Highway Code committee resigned in protest rather than be pushed into making an exception for what Saito’s humourless and unpredictably violent lobby group described as “experimental aircraft.”

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