#everything is different and i dont know how to deal with it!

[rusted-phone-calls]

How am I still alive

#am tired and have suffered through sad pinign alloness #i!! do not!!! understand!!!! how do allos work #and judging by cat cactus how do they survive days without seeing their partner #everything is different and i dont know how to deal with it! #defaultsd to annoyance i think thats fair. right #why can allos not survive moments away from their partner #how does one consolidate an allo #im never being friends w someone who has a romantic partner ever again #why the fixation?? cause. pls

[carnivalcarriondiscarded]

honestly wally is stronger than atlas. if i had to constantly calibrate to the nature of my reality w/ full consciousness i would simply lose my fucking mind

#like babies dont Think while they learn how to exist #imagine straight up spawning fully aware and then everyone else is up to speed but youre standing there like #🧍‍♂️uh. hello. what is everything. what is this. huh???? #LIKE???? i feel so bad for him. dude got dropped right into the middle of the ocean and was told 'learn to swim' #and hes trying. but he doesnt know what drowning is so he cant sink either #i mean i get it at least a little bit! its the Autism Experience but w/ him the dial is cranked up to a thousand #you dont know what you dont know but life goes on like you should. fuck #wally i am mentally beaming you a thousand apples grown in the shape of hearts #i believe in you dude you'll figure it out #well. im probably beaming apples into the past if the time discrepancy is real but yk yk #cause if it is then Current Wally probably has a solid handle on things. from a basic standpoint #in a wider lens i am led to believe that he is Scrabbling #is this speculation??? #i think it counts. #wh speculation #homebogging #whenever i think about the tidbits we know - ex: wally learning about differences in size #internally i start howling. wally is just constantly dealing with things that would drive a person insane if they had to live it #how is he not Exhausted... it's all so much for someone who knows whats going on let alone someone scrambling to catch up #at least the other neighbors dont have to deal with memorizing physics and skills and behavior #and just Literally Everything That Comes With Being Alive #wally is a blank slate left to write itself. #ough. damn. fuck. i think i need to go stare into the woods for a bit...

[basslinegrave]

partners in crime

#i can post this here too right #i dont wanna hear the 'bb b but ken had a different vibe!!1' well i took something else. whatchu gonna do about it #besides gan ning does have some himbo energy in 6-8 like hes just street smart #is it how thats called? i mean like he can resolve stuff quickly (his way) and deal with stuff but if it came to actual studies hed fail #dumbass but can fight and get thru everything by maiming and killing #like i feel like 6-9 gan ning is somehow ooc when compared to the real thing but so is ling tong so idc. i like these characters not the og #well the og is cool too but you know what i mean #anyway #dynasty warriors #gan ning #ling tong #barbie meme

[the-kipsabian]

#ive had. extremely hard time already processing this year tbh #both old grief and new grief. its just a lot #i know i dont have to do everything immediately. things dont have to get better overnight and most likely they wont #i mean. they havent #just. saw this and it made me think. probably too much but im an emotional mess at all times either way #i would just like things to be different. i know its a lot to ask and its mostly in my hands for myself but.. yeah #its just not easy. and im not dealing with it very well. i dont know #been trying to tell myself the usual. time doesnt heal it changes you. im going through difficult things and thats okay #i just.. i guess i just hoped this year would be different. so far it hasnt been its been worse #i dont know what the point of me posting this is. i just need to vent a little i guess #this is not gonna be an easy week for me and im not looking forward to it. like said grief is a very difficult thing for me #difficult and new. im trying but its hard. i dont know how im gonna make it this year #anyways. sorry #night is an absolute mess on main

[monstriiss]

.

#gonna get kinda heavy in the tags since im stuck on mobile and cant drop a read more but i need to vent fam squad #god I want to come back but i just don't know how to talk #like i feel like i cant just spring back into conversation like everything is okay and fine #because its not and i dont know how to get over the mental barrier of talking about normal things #it's a really weird feeling and i know im isolating myself but i just dont know what else to do #like i can talk to my family that were there for it. i can talk to people that have been through it #idk i just feel really disconnected #my friends try to talk to me about things and i just cant relate anymore #and they dont get it either. none of my friends have lost their parents and especially havent seen someone die #and they dont know how to talk about it so now its like none of us bother #theres things that happened that i cant say and tbh im pretty haunted #to them its been ages since mum died but to me its only two weeks and still feels like yesterday #i think im pulling away just so i dont have to deal with the hurt of being dropped first #im glad that i have some good close friends that i CAN talk to about things and im so grateful for them #but hoooo boy everything hits different now #tiejfkeie boy am i glad i get to see my therapist tomorrow dkfjskfndk #;; ooc. #death tw #parent death tw #negative tw #;; tbd.

[bunnihearted]

🤕🩹💊

#ughhhh sighhh im so tired #last night i started getting gallstone attack feelings #i took one of those painkillers i got for it but nothing #then i got such a bad attack ughhh. i even took another pill (idek if u can bc theyre strong nd yk.. precaution necessary) but it did nothin #so i've just been in pain for like 14 hours. idk how i managed to doze off to sleep nd then wake up nd then doze off again several times #it was just so awful skskks #i didnt even do anything different yesterday so i have no idea what triggered it #guess i just gotta cut down on everything like coffee nd the two small squares of chocolate i have :') #guess i just gotta stick to oatmeal nd brown rice nd crushed tomatoes lmaooo i wanna throw up just thinking abt it #but that pain is so awful and i just cant deal w it #it's so frustrating that i have to wait so long to even get a date for the surgery #it's been over a month now and i havent heard anything?!?!??? #at least gimme a date so i can know how long i need to keep this up T-T #im so tired of this i just want my health to go back to the way it was before #i wanna exercise for real and i want real food!!!! i cant even use spices bc it's too much... 😔 #and like i realize now that i think the gallstones have affected my bodily function for quite a while #i wasnt able to take iron or magnesium supplements or vitamins and stuff bc my body reacted so weirdly to it #i just dont wanna deal w this pain or be scared of what i eat. or eat bland boring food constantly. or not be able to work out #just wanna have the surgery </333 it's so hard to have to sit and wait for it sigh

[reconnecting]

rambling dont mind me

#thinking about how the difference between me n my other indigenous friends is like a border or two #thats it #and how that really just can totally remove everything i have to say from relevancy with other indigenous people #like my yukayeke vs my cousins tribe n clan #function completely differently #which makes sense like we're ages apart #literally different countries and opposite sides even if we werent #but i think like #as soon as you get south of the border the 'rules' that northern dudes have made kinda stop applying how you think they do #like my cousin is metis and taino because theyre my cousin #or more theyd be a part of my yukayeke if theyd learn about it i guess is more accurate like #its a bit more complex than how im saying it but yk #but i cant be part of their clan or tribe #which mind you is FINE like its not a bother or anything like that and i dont necessarily even know if id join given the choice #but i find it really interesting like #something about the timezone of when you got colonized and where that border is really changed us #i dont think we need to be this divided in our views is kinda the other thing but also i think that we currently need how certain things ar #like how theyre different #just in order to deal with the surrounding population of people #like shit my boyfriend's family would NEVER admit theyre indigenous even though he wants to reconnect #whereas white cherokee grandma is a whole thing here #well excluding the aztecs but his family considers them dead so im not counting that rn #versus like my taino ass #we're having a whole resurgence of people trying to be proud of their blood in puerto rico #its a HUGE thing to say 'oh fuck we're not dead' like its a MAJOR event thats been happening for the past few years #and its great! its like actually fantastic! #and i really GENUINELY hope it doesnt end up with our yukayekes becoming even more closed off #i hope it ends with 'youre taino? come learn then.' and then we learn #because fuck if i dont love my people but fuck if im not sick of people claiming shit for fun too #idk

[timeisacephalopod]

I saw a post the other day that kinda pushed back on the way all coming of age movies are about sexuality and all high school stories basically center around who wants to fuck who and how that's like. Not really all coming of age and high school stories should offer since you know. Youth isn't about who you have a crush on and probably coming of age stories in particular should be far more diverse in subject matter than they are.

Honestly as someone who, when I was 'coming of age' age, hated coming of age stories and still do for the exact reason listed above (see the weird scene in It where we all sexualize a 13 year old girl because boys have crushes and surely there's no other way to portray this than feeling a child up with a camera to demonstrate boys have ~feelings~ Bev gets no equivalent scene because she's the object of affection rather than the subject feeling desire) I also wish there was diversity in those stories. And coming of age stories about adults- we don't stop going through huge life moments that change everything forever, but back to kids. When I was a kid I could have desperately used a coming of age story where the character has a sick and dying parent who does die by the end of the story and what happens after that. Granted I did just fine without it, but even without being asexual it's always irked me that coming of age stories don't seem to appreciate that kids have way larger problems and way better stories to tell then first crushes and first kisses for shit sake give kids who went through what I did as a kid some kind of story about what happens when your parent gets cancer and how complicated that is and stop assuming the biggest thing that happens around puberty is discovering sexuality that, if you were queer, you probably already noticed what you felt wasn't in a coming of age story anyway.

#winters ramblings #id actually LOVE to see a coming of age story about an immigrant child moving to a new country #and have the coming of age center around THAT instead of these bizarre vaguely adult explorations of sexuality #that honestly ive never related to anyway like maybe the allos get it but even THEY deserve more diversity in stories #SURELY even your local allos have a dad dying of cancer they desperately need to know what to do with #like deadass a therapist told me at 26 i was robbed as a child because of what i went through and i STILL cry when i think of that #but no coming of age is all sex shit because children according to adults dont have real issues #which tells me adukts writing the stories are MASSIVELY privileged or stunted by execs or straight up assune kids wont watch #a REAL coming of age story. also i want a coming of age story about a 40 year old who is going through a career change #and the struggles that come with late career change. the benefits of a late career change. all the complicated family goo around all this #just give me decent stories that arent too focused on fycking RELATIONSHIPS for once. have them there sure i dont care #but for FUCK sakes can we stop pretending a 13 year olds biggest concern us who they have a crush on?? #my dad was DEAD and i knew only one other person who lost her mom way younger than me at 8 #we did not understand each other and how could we when our situations were so different. BOTH of us were so highly alienated #because NO ONE not even each other could relate to a lot if the people around us. the only thing we DID have in common #was the sick feeling we got when someone would bitch about their parents having fair expectations or not giving them literally everything #we both had an 'at least you HAVE parents to hokd you to reasonable standards and all you do is SQUANDER it' even if our feelings werent #faur to our peers anymore than their feelings were fair to us. wheres the coming of age story about THAT #tell me a story about a 16 year old whos mom has been dead HALF her life already like my friend. i was lucky enough not to deal with that #until i was 24. she deserved better out if high school and coming of age stories too. believe it or not kids have REAL lives and problems #and im SO tired of no one writing anything but some sad kids books about it even if the books are SOMETHING to start with #like for shit sakes must NICEthat the worst thing YOU went through was realizing you had a sexuality but my queer ass #ALWAYS knew i was different and highschool highlighted that a BUNCH so unless we're exploring aroace teens that doesnt appeal either #great yet ANOTHER story about straight teenagers because THEYRE the ones who need guidance on how to express themselves #like they dont see strsight people storoes and sexuality EVERYWHERE plus the ACTUAL opportunity to date in high school #that most queer kids dont get or dont get in the same way. why is THAT the only story being told when its the most saturated and BORING #and also ignores that kids have REAL issues and NO angency. explore THAT. do ANYTHING but yet another fucking coming of age story #about straight kids having crushes on each other and thats IT like come on SERIOUSLY

[caruliaa]

yk i think like. im trying desperately not to depress people around me w how close to doomerism i can veer but like. at a certain point its like. the effort and exhaustion that goes into maintaining just being alive in this world is not worth what comes from being alive and like. girlies we may have reached it. el oh el.

#like obvs its different for everyone like. what i really mean is that i have reached it or like. tht was always inevitably the case #for my life. which ik feels really depressing to say nd im sorry tht it makes ppl sad but idk like. its just true at a certain point #absolutely not from a lack of trying from the good things within my life to be clear not at all like. ik have sm great parts to my life #tht like. just mean so so much to me and im so so lucky to have but as upsetting as it is to say and think abt #at a certain point having to choose between being trapped in a situation were you can never authentically exist or like #have any control over your life and exist on your own terms even in v small ways while having to constantly be around people whove #caused you so much pain and trauma and hurt and being is a situation were like. at best your constantly working to afford living and you #are constantly exhausted by this and have no time for being yourself anyway and at worst you just cant afford anything and you die #and that could happen to you at any point idk like. these are my two options and i cant change anything about that fact #no matter how much i want to and that feeling is just. so so crushing and inescapable and just idk i dont know how to deal with it #like. idk iv done everything to try to but its only ever a temporary distraction #bc the problem isnt fucking like. mental or emotional its the facts of my reality and that cant be changed #so ofc im going to be constantly fucking miserable things just. are misearble #and idk. im sorry tht thts something other ppl have to deal with when it comes to like. knowing me bc genuinly its like. #they dont deserve that its sm pain for somoene to deal with and if that someone isnt. somone whos come to term with what #my fate invetiably is like have ik its too much nd im sorry for like. putting that on ppl i just. idk im sorry #idk what up with me suddnely. i mean i do but like. idk why i cant just hold it together like. this has always been the case idk why #im letting it upset me sm suddenly . ig bc i let myself have hope at some point. like an idiot. #idk im sorry. and its nearly 1am so i think im just going to go to sleep.im so sorry for just. all of this. #lucy if your reading tihs im so sorry for not sending and answering asks but i want to say that i love you so so so much. and im sorry #flappy rambles #vent #ask to tag

[mrfoox]

I love that my guy group just... Dont care about genders and such.

My username have always had an Mr in it. I don't think any of them questioned it. Fabian has one account with 'Lady' in it. We regularly say 'girl/queen' to each other. And they call me dude and bro

It's such a small thing obviously but I really like how that's always been the way we have had it

#miranda talking shit #Only one who is rather...strict with calling me girl is the italians. But they are 5 years older and may be an language difference #Ive never told anyone of them about my ...gender identity. I dont tell anyone about it unless someone brings up the topic #Or online im more open with it. But with thwm...yeah it was never much of an problem. #Our group is just 'it's girlsnight (gender neutral)' #I know im doing it on purpose but i dont think they are. They probably just notice i dont react to it so its fine #The boys #None of us make a big deal about things that are less... Normal for the genders? #Roo LOVES girly pop music and he have always been open about it. And no one has made a joke about it #Hes really into taylr swft for example. Im just glad. Its weird maybe but im from a family where all men are .... #Basically lowkey homophobic/sexist and making comments about everything that doesnt fit into the 'norms' #So being in a group with straight guys and all just being nice and supportive and kind.... Good vibes #Idk how well i explain this lmao words are hard but i love it

[captaincolorblob]

finally finished reading the reigen spinoff-manga. i will never emotionally recover from this

#mp100 #reigen arataka #dia rambles #spoilers incoming with the ramble #first of all. what the fuck. why is this suddenly horror. why are these curses/spirits some of the most disturbing shit i've ever seen #like just the weird face that followed tome's teacher around was just. its the type of horror where you dont wanna look at it #second of all. i fucking love the side characters #tome's lil friend group and how they later geniunely talk about their interests #also that one small panel in chap 7 with the girl that likes making manga looks like a completely different artstyle it took me off guard #also hoshido-kun. my baby boy. very glad you quit working for roshuuto but also good fucking luck with your lil crush on tome #that girl is a gigantic lesbian. she's disastrous (<-delirious because of a single panel of her blushing after that one girl thanked her for #rescuing her) #speaking of roshuuto #he is a bitch ass motherfucker i wanna see him get sucker punched SO BADDD #and dimple<3 him telling tome that basically no human knows everything about their own world how is he supposed to knwo everything about the #spirit world #and love the lil trans crumbs ''i'm a guy but..'' ''some had no gender when alive'' etc etc #i only have like three tags left but just know that my brain is rotating reigen and his whole deal in my head like a roteserie chicken #same goes for serizawa

[brainjuicey]

I'm not going to lie, this nytimes article about Val kilmer makes me cry when I read it!

#its one of those things that makes life make sense #something real and tangible just words really about the idea of a man who stands for something that is meaningful to me #im never going to be a a handsome blond young man a moviestar in my 20s going to parties with cher or living the high life #but id like to believe i can have a similaar transformation.. that there is beautiful rich meaning in the absurdity of my own intentions #and not in the publicity or availability of my life #i am a deeply private person. i know i dress conservatively and dont make myself the centre of attention in groups. i know i will never be #a gorgeous boy and all that that affords someone in the world. oh to be young and beautiful and have it be something only for myself and #not something that makes me bitter about how im treated based on it even when its being treated well #i have an affinity for hollywood and movies and images and music for someone who is staunchly anti-industry #absorbed by this carefully curated fantasy in my head where there's something special and pure. the clear absence of reality #i guess im just trying to figure myself out still and that never stops #and as im feeling like shit making a toasted sandwich for dinner after skipping my classes not dealing with my emotional baggage stuck in #a small town once again. so far removed from everything that makes me feel like my life is remarkable. im just trying to tell myself that #its all apart of something bigger and when i look back i will have a different perspective and that #maybe i just want to be the hero of my own story #i want to be talking to the talk show of everyone i love and look up to and i want my life to read like it defines me

[simonstamenovic]

genuinely very very happy about maya still Do Not get me wrong. I simply wish... the world was better and less cruel. and that I was not complicit in that cruelty. and that honorspren in shadesmar werent such hypocrites.

#outgoing transmission #adolin post #the desire to have everything be good forever and be told by some almighty being that #actually you didnt mske anything mistakes and did the best you can and were good vs like #how... not hollow. but. that is also not true i messed up so very much and do have to wonder if my existence was Not worth it #disregarding the fact that... well. it is a story someone wrote and yes obviously I needed to be there. #but. as a person? mmh. craving not necessarily reassurance but Being Sure i didn't make awful decisions to make things worse. and i simply #cannot know that. not at the moment and potentially not with any certainty ever #which is no different from anyone elses life really. but there is a certain agony to it #i dont know. i love kal. i dont have many memories yet of. well. but #id like to think he loves me. coming face to face with that however is... well why would he? #he is. well i feel anything i say wouldnt really encapsulate it to be honest i could worship that man and i mean that so sincerely #he... would not like it. but it isnt...... well hes a better man than me but not because i think hes flawless or anything #just. he tries so very hard. i didnt even have it in me to not murder someone despite how risky it was #for the best. and i wish id done it sooner still. but i do also think it says a good deal about my character in general #sorry again about this i hope everyone is well. #it is too bright out now honestly which is kind of funny. half comforting. half annoying. a small part... some other thing. weird i suppose #brain is. mm. partially shadesmar. partially... something else. stormy. near kal. tense but not necessarily in a danger way. #but something... stuck a bit maybe. not sure if it is a natural thing or more a. spren parent trap situation. for lack of any better terms. #cute and mildly obnoxious... hm. something to consider.

[haunted-house-heart]

living with someone with untreated mental illness is like. i understand why you're like this and i do empathize but also like. jesus fucking christ get some help before i throttle you i stg

#i hate my sis so much. like i get it. i really do. a lot of how she acts is due to mental illness and trauma but at the same time she also #just really shitty. like ik recovery is different for everyone and you move at your own pace but she just. isnt recovering at all it seems #like its been 6yrs since we got out and my mom and i have worked really hard on getting better and changing our behaviors #all the while shes just getting worse and worse to be around. like shes legitimatrly turning into my (abusive) father #its terrifying honestly but we cant do anything about it bc you cant talk to her #you say like ''hey this thing you did upset me can you please try to not do that again'' not angry or anything and she starts crying and #yelling bc youre triggering her and its not fair and nobody loves her and like. i get that some people cry a lot and thats fine! i get that #but its literally impossible to talk to her about anything bc she acts like shes the victim and youre fuckin evil for telling her to please #not put her dirty clothes on my shelf i dont like that please. like thats not an unreasonable request and im not being mean about it! but #im the bad guy for doing anything that critisises her. #and she treats my mom like shit. like i could deal w her being a bitch to me but to momma? fuck no. #i dont believe you owe your parents shit but my mom has been a fucking saint when life dealt her a hand that shouldve made her a devil #she did her absolute best and *she* was the one that sacrificed everything to get us out #and my sister treats her like shes an incapable selfish idiot. #and she never lets me talk. shell talk for an hour about smth she knows i dont care about but when i try to tell her like. hey my fav band #is putting out a new album or smth im real excited about. she gets on her phone and just ignores me. #and she KNOWS this triggers me badly its made me suicidal before and yknow what happened then? i had to apologize for making HER feel bad #she talks over both of us but it you start talking when she was THINKING about talking she has a fit #and she actively tries to gaslight my mom. like im dead fuckin serious my mom has to ask me if smth really happened bc my sis told her it #did/didnt and she has to get me to confirm the truth for her #and she treats her pets like crap she should not be allowed to have pets bc she just loses interest in them and stops taking care of them #and we have to pick up the slack #its literally just like being with my dad again. walking on eggshells all the time #my mom cant watch tv at night bc ellie gets pissed at her for ''waking her up''. even tho she claims she never sleeps. #i hate her so so much i want to punch her i want her to move out i want to never ever see her again #but rn we cant afford to live on our own. so we have to stay with her #anyway. #vent #tw abuse

[kuiinncedes]

:P

#im tired yay #random question if i bought stuff for my club and therefore am having ppl pay me back #and a couple ppl like rounded up and paid me more than i asked ;-; #do i pay them back fjgfhskdhfjsfkl or like is there a reason they did that TT #i Know im massively overthinking this rip im just idk lmfao #bc like the payment i asked for was technically an underestimate for how much money we spent #we just didnt use everything we bought so there was one thing we bought separately that i forgot about until after calculating #and i was just like eh whatever lol #but then they paid more and im lowkey like well ngl ur closer to what the actual amt probably wouldve been if i counted everything TT #anyway ya idk i just like dont know if this is something that ppl like have experienced ig lol #i dont think its that big of a deal......... like u cant .. Accidentally pay a different amount on venmo than u intend to right lmfao #so im like not sure why they paid more :[ #but like obviously i dont want them to pay more D: #im just overthinking :'') honestly ill probably . pay them back like the 14 cents extra they paid jhgfghfd lmao #also the thing is it was two ppl who paid me more D: idk lmfao #this is so dumb ugh anyway #i could also ask them ig lol #jeanne talks #can u tell im fucking procrastinating TT

[zarovich]

cant even hide that fact that im doing so poorly. everyone can tell i know it

#personal #im so scared man. so stressed lately and stress makes my psychosis worse like i struggle telling reality apart from things #and i do things i dont remember doing. i keep fliping and considering to go see a doctor but im afraid #afraid ill be hospitalized again. i dont have the money i dont have the energy to deal with it either. it wont help #afraid to get back on meds. i want to but antipsychotics are not fun. being a lab rat is not fun #nothing ive tried has helped. ppl think im.being dramatic but ive tried well over 50 different medications of different kinds #ive done therapy like 4 times. ive even done other treatments and they did not help me #ive done better on my own. isolating from others. i dont understand ppl. i dont feel... real. alive. human #its not that idk how to socialize. i just dont like it. i know how but i will never understand what it means to be human #this may be the worst ive been doing ever. i just sleep. all day. if i wasnt so tired and lazy i would be dead already #i just hurt man. im so tired of everything and everyone. i know ill never be normal. ive come to terms with that #but im not okay with knowing it yknow. and how others treat me bc of it. im tired of being seen as a project to fix #my stomach is growling so loud. i cant remember when i ate last. i dont need to eat when im not human #vent