#im so scared man. so stressed lately and stress makes my psychosis worse like i struggle telling reality apart from things

[zarovich]

cant even hide that fact that im doing so poorly. everyone can tell i know it

#personal #im so scared man. so stressed lately and stress makes my psychosis worse like i struggle telling reality apart from things #and i do things i dont remember doing. i keep fliping and considering to go see a doctor but im afraid #afraid ill be hospitalized again. i dont have the money i dont have the energy to deal with it either. it wont help #afraid to get back on meds. i want to but antipsychotics are not fun. being a lab rat is not fun #nothing ive tried has helped. ppl think im.being dramatic but ive tried well over 50 different medications of different kinds #ive done therapy like 4 times. ive even done other treatments and they did not help me #ive done better on my own. isolating from others. i dont understand ppl. i dont feel... real. alive. human #its not that idk how to socialize. i just dont like it. i know how but i will never understand what it means to be human #this may be the worst ive been doing ever. i just sleep. all day. if i wasnt so tired and lazy i would be dead already #i just hurt man. im so tired of everything and everyone. i know ill never be normal. ive come to terms with that #but im not okay with knowing it yknow. and how others treat me bc of it. im tired of being seen as a project to fix #my stomach is growling so loud. i cant remember when i ate last. i dont need to eat when im not human #vent

[kkh8318-blog]

Having a partner with Bipolar and Psychosis

I need advise on how to deal with a boyfriend who has bipolar disorder with psychotic episodes. It’s been really hard lately. “really hard” doesn’t even begin to justify how bad it’s been. we have been together for 4 years, and just had a son together 10 months ago. I noticed him slowly getting worse during my pregnancy, (he was SO happy to find out i was pregnant he is so happy to be a daddy). he became paranoid, starting using drugs, became aggressive and irritable with me and everyone really. He has ALWAYS had trust issues due to his illness, childhood trauma, and past relationships. He progressively got worse and worse a few months ago he slit his wrists in front of me during his episode he just kept saying sorry to me and that this is how he would prove to me that he loves me. He was sent to a hospital where he was first diagnosed with his illness. When he got out of the hospital, he told me that during one of his episodes he thought i was cheating on him (which all of his episodes consist of mental and a few times physical abuse from being paranoid and not trusting me thinking im cheating on him, he becomes very delusional and sometimes has hallucinations.) so during this episode he cheated on me... and he said that’s why he slit his wrists. He said he could not get over the guilt he felt. I cannot get over his betrayal though i’m trying very hard, my perception is so skewed because of his illness and past. I want to make things work for our son and because i do still love him.. though a big part of it is because he cheated i also get scared that he could physically hurt me again... He still has episodes a lot even with his new medication which does help. During his episodes and sometimes when he isn’t even having one he still thinks im cheating or betraying him even though he betrayed me. I find myself completely blown over the fact that i still have to cater to his trust issues constantly when HE is the one that fucked me over. I have always found it very difficult to handle the situation or react properly when he has an episode. I always react the wrong way, or say something that makes it worse. I try to stay calm and quiet. but sometimes he will push me over the edge with his hurtful piercing words. And me being depressed, stressed, a new mom, stubborn, hard headed i suck at communicating even more than before, and now to make things worse i now don’t really trust him... it has all made me SO bitter, and angry, and depressed, and i lack a deep empathy that i used to have. i sometimes feel a bit like a sociopath sometimes. i wake up and cry for an hour or 2 about 75 % of the time....I love him and my son and the family we created together so much and im so scared for how life will be if i just give up. i dont want to give up but i feel so stuck because i feel like lately im so bitter and i don’t know how to properly help him get better. every time i try to speak about the situation to anyone, like therapists or doctors or certain friends, they all tell me to leave him. but it is just not that simple. I built a life and created a life with this man. And i just cannot fathom the thought of him not being in my life, though lately our fights are so often my bitterness makes me want him to just leave, but i know that’s not what i REALLY want... i’m also scared he will hurt himself and i also feel bad because if i do break things off with him i’m leaving him with his illness and he really doesn't have anywhere to go..he doesn't have supportive family, a car or a phone, he can barley keep his jobs because of his disorder.   but anyways no one really understands why im still with him. i just care about, and the thought of him not being in my life or constant in my sons life kills me. I think we both need help and i just dont even know what to do anymore but take it day by day i guess...  im so lost..

#help #lost #depressed #bipolar disorder #psychosis #episodes #unhealthy relationship #advice #emotional abuse #physical abuse #communication problems #bitterness #i feel betrayed #sociopath #empty #no empathy #psychotic episode