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snow-whiteandred-rose · 4 years

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Everything’s gonna be okay

A/N: Honestly I have to say that I was really sad these days about the actual situation. But we must remember, that there will come better days and everything will be fine again. We are together bulletproof! Vanessa :)

Pairing: Jungkook x reader genre: Angst, in the end fluff word count: 1,8k

You sat on the couch and looked hypnotized out of the window. It was a gray and rainy day like all days in this week. It totally reflected your mood. You were ill. Nothing bad just a simple cold but it didn´t make anything better. Normally you were an optimist and saw everything positive no matter how bad it looked. But when you were ill, you were the total opposite. Your sickness wasn´t the only thing that bothered you, also you had the feeling that everything went down the tube. First of all, you wanted to learn more Korean and it wasn´t the easiest thing to do this on your own. So you registered for a Korean course near your University. Then happened, what had to happen: The course would cancel because the teacher was in the hospital and they hadn´t found a replacement. Second, your best friend wanted to visited you. So you both planned everything and she booked her flights, but then the airline was on a strike and it was to much money to bought a short-term flight. Also your boss cancelled your vacations because hell was breaking loose at work and they needed every employee. And now you were ill. Fantastic! The sound of the key in the door lock interrupted your thoughts and your boyfriend went in. Today he wore a tight black jeans, which underlined his trained thighs , and a dark leather jacked. At least one beautiful sight. He threw his bag on the flow and went in the living room. “Hey Noona, how are you? Are you feeling better?” He leaned down toward you and gave you a soft kiss on your cheek. You just shrugged your shoulders and sighed. Jungkook walked around the couch and sat next to you. “Are you still upset? I don´t want to see my girlfriend so sad. Everything's gonna be okay, Noona.” He took you in his arms and stroked your back. “Everything is so unfair. I feel like I never gonna be happy again,” you whined. “Don´t say such things. You are the optimist. Where is your positive energy?” “It´s gone. I don´t like to be positive anymore.” “That´s a pity. But I know something that makes you feel good.”

He pulled you closer towards him and started to kiss you passionately, his fingers stroke above your thighs. You totally know what he wanted and you weren´t in the mood for sleeping with him. So you pushed him away from you. “Kookie, I´m sorry, not today,” you apologized. “Really? That´s also what you said the last times. Whenever I want to get close to you, you push me away. I can´t even cuddle you before we go to sleep,” he pointed. “Are you taking my feelings into account? I´m really not in the mood for your childish actions, When you want to cuddle than go to someone else. But I`m not the right person for this shit now.” “And how long does “now” takes? You're really getting on my nerves with your bad mood. Days in the studio are exhausting and I don´t need this shit at home. And I just want you to know: I'm just a guy with needs.” You felt a sharp pain in your chest and you coudn´t believe what he said. “Are you fucking serious? So you wanted to say, that you are seriously considering cheating on me because I have bad times in the moment? Really?” “We can´t call it “cheating” when you know it. And I also must say that the last times were a little bit boring. So maybe we need some variety,” he just said cold and you had to pull yourself together not to cry. You wouldn`t give him this satisfaction. “Jungkook, Out! Out of my apartment!” You simply said in a quiet voice. “It`s also my apartment.” “Please go and leave my alone.” He nodded, took his bag and left. It was only when the door closed that you started to sob. What just happened? Did he really took into consideration to sleep with another girl just because you had a few bad days? If it was the case than he wasn´t the person you always thought he was. You knew Jungkook as a caring lovely person and you never saw this side of him before. You curled up on the couch, nestled in a blanket and the tears started to run down your cheeks. It was the next negative point on your list that happened in a few days. Could things even get more worse? You were afraid to think about it. The worst was that you also started to feel bad for your actions. 'Why didn´t I give in?' Jungkook was always so gentle and really knew what he had to do to make you feel good. Maybe it would helped and maybe it was something positive in these days. You could beat yourself for those thoughts. That`s not what it was about. Yes it could lighten up your mood and you could be distracted for a few hours. But what you needed was your caring boyfriend who listened to your thoughts and made you laugh. It wasn`t all about sex in a relationship and when he wanted more variety he could speak normal with you and didn´t use it to hurt you during a fight. The moment when you thought about your sexlife your heart stopped for the second time in a day and you began to count. 'No No No No No No No No.... that can`t be possible' you thought and turned white as a sheet. You looked at your watch. It was nearly 8 o`clock but when you hurried up you could still went to the pharmacy. Quickly you took your keys and went to the pharmacy a few streets away. Normaly you went to one next to your apartment, but it wasn´t the best idea when you wanted to buy a pregnancy test and all employees knew you to well. When you were back home you went straight to the bathroom and opened the packing with shaky fingers. And than you waited... and waited... and waited... You sat on the bathroom floor, your head leaned against the heating. You never thought that five minutes were so long. Another thing you never thought was that this would happen to you. You always wanted to be happy and exciting when you made a pregnancy test and now it was the opposite and you didn´t even know where you boyfriend was. Maybe fucking someone else. You didn’t know. After the longest five minutes of your life you had certainty. The two lines on the test seemed to be laughing at you. A new flood of tears bursted out of you and you reached for a handkerchief. That was the fifth point on your list and now you just sat there on the floor and stared at oneself. Your hands went over your stomach and even when you didn´t know how things should work you knew that you wanted to protect the little something from everything. “We can do it. With or without your daddy,” you whispered. You didn´t know how long you sat there but suddenly you heard the front door closing causing you to dont make a noise. You hadn`t forgot what he said earlier and you were still hurt. Also you didn´t know what his intentions were so you staid where you were. “Y/N? Where are you? I`m so sorry. I didn´t mean it like that,” you heard him sob. His steps approached the bathroom and he opened the door slowly. “Y/N, are you there?” He entered the bathroom and his eyes felt on you while sitting like a mess on the floor. As soon as he spotted you he stumbled towards and almost fell in your lap. You could see his red puffy eyes. “I`m so sorry, I was a horrible boyfriend. I didn´t mean anything what I said earlier. You must believe me. Please don`t leave me.” “It was really nasty from you to almost tell me that you would cheat on me. It broke my heart because I always trusted you.” “Trusted?” “Who does tell me what you have done this evening? Maybe fucking some chicks who flirted with you.” “No, I would never do that. I don´t even know why I have said such horrible things. I love you and it`s always you. I don´t want to be or sleep with another person. You have to believe me.” You stayed silent because you didn´t really know how to respond. He cupped your face between his hands so that you had to look at him. The view of him was heartbreaking. You had to look exactly the same. He kissed you softly and was happy that you return the kiss. “I promise I will be a better boyfriend, Noona. I will show you and than you will be happy that you hadn´t left me.” You took his hands in yours and stroke with your thumb over the back of the hand. “Don´t say something like that... you are a wonderful boyfriend and I love you too. Sometimes everyone said things we didn´t really mean. But I have to tell you something... when you wanted to be a better boyfriend... maybe you have another task soon,” you stuttered because you were a little bit scared about his reaction. You knew that he wanted kids but you hadn´t made any plans because you two were really young and had enough time. But destiny wanted it different sometimes. “What is it, Noona. You can tell me anything.” “Jungkook... I´m pregnant.” He tensed up and didn´t show any reaction. It made you even more nervous than you were before. “It´s okay when you don´t want the child. I can handle it myself but you have the right to know it,” you said disappointed. “What? No. I just need a moment to process it....I can´t believe it. I become a father. Y/N you make me so happy,” Jungkook started to cry again. “Don´t cry Kookie. So you aren`t mad at me? You are really happy?” You said insecure. “Why should I be mad at you? That´s the best thing what could happen. Yes we are still young and I `m scared that I will be a bad father... but you and me... we can do it. I love you so much.” He kissed your lips passionately and a stone fell from your heart. After a few moments he realised that you were still sitting on the floor. So he took you bridal style to your bed room and cuddled against you from behind. One hand stroked your belly and you smiled. “Is it crazy? I love it even though it's not even on this earth yet,” he whispered. “It isn´t crazy, it is quite normal when you become a parent,” you answered and turned around to kiss him softly. “I love you Kookie.” “I love you too,” and after a few seconds he added “You see? Everything`s gonna be okay.”

#bts #bts imagines #bts scenarios #bts reactions #bts jungkook #btsjk #jungkook x reader #bts angst #btsfluff

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feduprona · 4 years

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A World Where Roses Bloom

What happens when you, a person who no longer look forward to live beyond 40 years old meets another person who lived her life to the fullest and now ready to settle ?

It all started six years ago, when I had so much anguish about my life then--I was always sick,a quarter will not end without me going to ER and having these various types of illness. I was also having a hard time working because I had not immediate manager and I had a confusing “romantic issue” at the office which ended horribly, I felt so overwhelmed that I just wanted to die.

I tried to seek professional medical help so I can get by, but still, I couldnt manage my life, I had no productive output,bosses resented me and I turned to alcohol to drown my emptiness. I met a few friends who were able to navigate me to sanity again,

But still,

Last December, my bestfriend at work invited me to their house and we spent the whole day eating,drinking and laughing, a few hours later he dies.

It was one of the darkest days of my life. There was no second that I did not shed a tear for his demise,It was so painful that my thoughts about ending my life became stronger,I realized that I really dont want to live and grow older anymore.I had two dear friends who held me so tight that I got so embarrassed that i was already letting go.

I just dont look forward getting old anymore.I dont have anything to look forward and live for, I felt that I dont have any reason anymore to try living.I always wake up with heavy thoughts and my nights were even longer.So I was already committed to my plans that I will die before I reach 40 years old.

Here comes pandemic and it maybe unfair to others, but this year brought so much peace in my life ---i was forced to relocate near office so I can continue working but I was able to save a lot of energy,money and time as the traffic is no longer a major upsetting factor on daily basis.My travel, unpredictable field work and exposure to pollution became old news.They are now things of my pressurized past .Living alone made me learn a lot about household chores, revived my childhood hobbies and made me a bit relaxed. Fear of getting infected with COVID19 was actually not a priority.I was able to live a better normal. It also helped that I was surrounded by openly gay workmates who eventually became my friends--I became more comfortable getting out from my restraints.I became more confident of my sexuality.

And so one day I needed a doctor again.Thats when I met HER.

For the first time in 8 years , I had the energy and courage to express my attraction to a woman . I asked her out and everything fell perfectly into beautiful places. I was already feeling fine with my life in time of quarantine but I felt excited for the first time again in years.It could be anything or nothing, but I was happy waking up knowing that there is someone who also wanted be with me ,eat with me,laugh with me while doing serious tasks like reviewing for her upcoming medical board and just sit together talking about anything under the sun.

I work up late nights still singing silly lovesongs;

I get up every fucking morning ,inspired to dance and run;

I walked under the sun and through the rain feeling just...happy.

Am I beginning to want to live again? Or I was just lost in the moment?

Or maybe ,I was secretly hoping to feel this way again?

There were also instances that she asked me if I had any plans for us or if I want to lead whatever we had for something more I had a ready answer. I could not commit anything more for now. I am not even sure if this is a good time to get into something more serious. I had so many excuses that I knew she knew that I wasnt there for any clear purpose.

And I did not feel guilty at all. Maybe because I knew it was the truth and I knew that i could not give more.

So we moved on and continued to be just happy to be with each other--sans clarity. We went on dating and just enjoyed each other’s company. She was so easy to like and maybe, love, she was not complicated ,matured and never demanded anything from me.

Or so I thought?

“I am getting married.”

She told me that at 18 years old, her parents gave her the freedom ticket to do whatever she wanted except use illegal drugs, get married or get pregnant.And she did live her life to the fullest of her knowledge and whims. She travelled the world, dated a lot and just did everything that she thought that made her happy and fulfilled while taking up Medicine.

Now that shes going to take the last medical board that will allow her to practice her chosen subspecialty and will eventually setup her own clinic, this also indicatesthat her freedom ticket will expire anytime soon,Her parents believed that 12 years was already enough to make her enjoy her youth.Now its time to takeover the family hospital and marry the man they thought was perfect for her to build a family and to run the business.

And she’s okay with it.She believed that she already had the life she always wanted and maybe it's just right to settle now.

Then it dawned to me that she asked me if I had plans because she had to see how she can manage expectations without getting too invested in our whirlwind relationship--for whatever it is called.

I had a few hours of confusion if I am going to get hurt or keep my fascination that arranged marriage still exists in this millennial generation--and someone like her accepted it. Nevertheless, I can say we both made a choice for our future or my lack of vision thereof.

I was not heartbroken since I never wanted to commit anything as I stopped planning and making life goals anymore. I was also afraid that it might be unfair for someone like her at the prime of her career to be with me who lived moment by moment.

It was good as it could get anyway. And I was kind of glad that it will end anytime soon without too much attachments. It was not yet hard to let go.

Perhaps,amidst pandemic and all this uncertainty, I had a few months living in the world where roses blooms.

What happens when you, a person who no longer look forward to live beyond 40 years old meets another person who lived her life to the fullest and now ready to settle ?

Not much. Everything has been planned to end anyway.

#suicide depression lgbt givingup hope secondwind #lavienrose #@whirlwindromance romanticlove

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mental-health-advice · 7 years

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(urgent) one of my close friends plans on committing suicide anytime from in a few days to a few months. ive tried so much, even landing them in hospital, which only made them more suicidal. im afraid that putting them there again will solve nothing, esp when idk the date. theyve heard it all- you have so much to live for, you have worth, etc. and they dont care. ive tried talking & they dont listen. im sorry to bother but if you could help i would appreciate it so much. (please tag as neco)

Hi sweetheart!

I’m so sorry to hear that your friend is going through so much, and I’m so sorry to hear that you’re having to cope with this too. You really don’t need to apologise, you’re never bothering us by asking for advice. I really hope this helps and that I’ve been able to answer this on time. Please make sure you’re looking after yourself though lovely, because it can be draining putting other people first constantly no matter how much you care, and your mental and physical wellbeing matter too and should come first.

Okay, so my first recommendation would be to always get in touch with an authority, whether it’s a suicide helpline or an emergency service. It is always the right thing to get in touch with those with the most power to help in the situation, it could save your friend’s life. Secondly, I would recommend writing them a letter. The reason I would recommend this is because it is easier to give a well thought out, eloquent answer in writing as we can organise our thoughts better, especially in such an emotive situation, because talking face to face can make it hard to keep our emotions under control.

In terms of what to include in the letter and how to help your friend, here are the things I personally think would help the most and would be worth saying:

“You are valued” Sometimes, reminding somebody who’s suicidal that they are valued, that their life is valuable, can be really powerful. It’s very easy to forget your worth, or not understand your worth in the first place, especially when you experience mental illness. Although this may not improve your friend’s self worth, it sounds like they care more about others than they care about themselves just now, so knowing they’re worth it to others may help.

“It’s never okay to end your life.” This goes for everyone. No matter how sick you are of fighting, it’s never okay to end your life. It’s not just your own life you’re ending, you’re impacting the lives of everyone who loves you, everyone who has ever loved you. Every single day you have an impact. You may feel like a drop in the ocean, but that drop leads to a ripple, that ripple leads to a current, that current leads to a tidal wave. When you hold a door for somebody, when you smile at people, when you empathise and form human connections, you are having an impact on that person’s day. You have an impact on every single person’s day that you come into contact with, and this then affects their mood and has an impact on every single person they come into contact with, and so on. The entire planet is interconnected like a massive spider’s web, and everything you do has an effect, because it causes a domino effect which can profoundly change more than you’ll ever understand. Removing yourself from that web does not change the impact you have. If you choose to end your life, those ripples turn into ripples of grief, ripples of sadness for a loved one lost in your closest circle, leaving them with memories. Whether it’s your family or the customer assistant you were nice to, and you were the first customer who had been nice that day, you have an impact. And losing you would cause pain, whether you accept it or not. Love is in your life where you least expect it, and there is always somebody who cares. It is not okay to cause that much pain by ending your life, that is never okay. The pain you’re feeling will end, permanently, without the loss of your life.Your life is never, ever completely without hope. The grief of those who love you will never completely go away.

“You say you don’t care. Maybe you really believe that you don’t care anymore. But I don’t believe you. I think you care far more than you’ll ever admit.” You say that no matter what you tell your friend, they don’t seem to care. But I would bet money on that not being true. I’d say they cared so much, for so long, and they’re hurting so hard that it’s too painful to allow themselves to care. They can’t bring themselves to care, even. But they do care. That’s why they wants their life to end, because they care so much that it causes them so much pain that they can’t bare it. And they need you to understand this. Generally when people want to end their lives, it’s because there’s too much pain in it, because depression hurts. And if they can find a way to end that pain, they will do it, and often the only option seems to be suicide in their mind, but there are other ways to numb the pain, to end the pain even. There is always help, there is always solace.

“Fighting isn’t easy, in fact it will be the hardest battle of your life, but it will be worth it.” Fighting any mental illness is so so tough, and I understand that sometimes it feels too overwhelming and they just want to give up because they can’t do it anymore, but I really believe they can. I know they can. And I know it will be so worth it in the end. Anything telling them it isn’t is disordered thoughts, which never, ever represent the truth. You’re going to have to be there for your friend. Recovery is full of setbacks and turns in the road and dead ends but it is so worth it. It’s about regaining your life, and getting your life back into control. They’re going to have to learn to feel again, feel anything at all. Sometimes this can be done by reading an old favourite book, watching movies, doing something they used to love before depression got this bad, starting a new hobby, speaking to people going through the same and using their experiences to help others. Anything like this is fantastic, but it’s really down to personal choice, those are just a few suggestions. Eventually, they will have to learn to love again. Love the little things, the smell of rain, their old favourite foods, Sunday afternoons spent watching movies, cuddling pets, laughing with friends. This will all come in time and it will be difficult and it will have ups and downs, but my oh my it is worth it, I so promise it is worth it. This life is worth it.

“You have to choose recovery.” This is probably the hardest barrier of all to overcome. Deciding recovery is worth it, investing that time and energy into yourself is probably the hardest thing anybody with a mental illness has to do. Because choosing recovery is a commitment that takes time, effort and a lot of introspection. It usually requires the help of a professional, or several professionals, and it’s a long term task. Helping them to do this will most probably involve small, short term goals, even something like getting out of bed 1 day a week and putting on clothes to start off with is a massive achievement. I would really commend encouraging them to seek professional advice.

If it helps, you can also look at our reasons to stay for more inspiration. I really hope this has helped you understand what your friend is going through and give some ideas on how to help them.

Look after yourself sweetie,Caitlin x

#suicide #suicidal ideation #suicide date #choosing recovery #reasons to stay #helping a friend #suicidal friend #they don't care any more #I want to die #I don't want to live anymore #it is never okay to commit suicide #self harm #self injury #reasons to live #caitlinmha #advice blog #mental health advice #neco

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gryffon · 7 years

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gonna post that thing i wrote about my abusive ex, this isnt a callout but its just like, all the shit ive been wanting to say and havent felt like i could. gonna namedrop people, gonna not give a fuck, i cant cw for everything but there are rape mentions, physical assault mentions and like. general feelings that happen the wake of emotional abuse.

i dont check often but my ex has deleted the blog she was currently using, (@windowpainter or somethng. she was @hamgubber before, previously @miniaturehorse if anybody remembers from when we were totgether and would post on each others blogs nonstop lol) she has a history of lurking around and worming her way into befriending popular people in online subcommunities i am part of or adjacent to. i have not spoken to her since i realized she was abusive and started to try to pull out of our codependent dynamic. she panicked when i realized actions speak louder than words and her long winded apologies, excuses, and textbookish tripe about DBT and getting better or whatever meant nothing in the face of months of repeated lying, breaking of promises, degradation, disrespect to me as a person, disregard of my physical disabilities, insults, patronization, manipulation, multiple instances of cheating, antagonization, neglect, extortion and overall emotional abuse. when she caught wind that i was going to leave her she wrote me a series of emails totaling over 30,000 words, all varying from "i love you please dont leave me we can work this out. breaking up with me is weak." to "you are not a victim. you are not a victim. here is a categorized list of the ways in which you are abusive while i downplay my own behaviors and patronize you. here's an ultimatum and you are not allowed to respond with more than one sentence." to which i disregarded and wrote up a long, thoughtful reply and chose to never send, ending contact with her for good. this was like, 2013 or 2014.

she never called me out, and i never called her out despite giving very serious consideration to it. i was listening to the advice of my therapist at the time, who told me that she thrives on drama and spends her life constantly creating it, and to give her that kind of attention was exactly what she wanted and would only engage her more in my life and be more degrading to my mental health. the best course of action was to give her nothing, and not give her any more power or influence over me, any footholds or any more of my time, consideration, energy or thought. if anybody reading this has endured emotional abuse from somebody you love, you know it is extremely difficult to totally ignore somebody like this, especially when that person has isolated you from the majority of your support system and friends and you have shaped your entire identity around your relationship with your abuser. but i have followed my therapists advice. i have been working on moving on.

still, over the past few years ive had my mutuals contacted by her friends and told to stop talking to me. ive had people i follow put her and her friends on my dash, which up until recently would send me into a panic that lasted several hours. i have a lot of people in the lesbian/commie/leftist/trans/etc/whatever circles on tumblr who just like randomly have me blocked for no reason (since i dont give a fuck and im going for a spirit of total honesty here, ill name drop @butchcommunist, who she dated for a period of time iirc. a lot of my followeds and mutuals reblog from her. i made a point not to check either of their blogs after finding out but it was upsetting since i would see julia all over my dash. that connection still exists in my mind and its pretty upsetting.). ultimately, and rationally i know that these things do not matter that much. i have a vibrant, healthy and loving circle of friends outside of the internet/tumblr and some randos on the internet having me blocked doesn't really mean anything in the scheme of things. still, when this shit happened it felt terrifying and i was horrified, my emotions magnified by the effects of emotional abuse. despite my VERY intense urge for closure, i try to keep as far away from her as possible.

i gave this woman a year of my life that in my memory is defined by her. i was very madly in love and i spent countless hours at her beck and call, countless hours in calls and in text conversations with her, countless hours supporting her through breakdowns, countless hours talking through her fears and worries, countless hours defending her when she stirred up drama, countless hours defending her horrible behavior to my friends, countless hours rationalizing her abuse to myself and people who approached me with worry, countless hours loving her and wondering why it felt so horrifically painful to be with somebody who told you they wanted to spend the rest of their life with you. almost all the money i was making at the time was spent on her. i helped her move across the continent. i had her at my house for weeks. she fucking took out a loan from my mom. despite how big a role she played in my life, over the past 3 years since our falling out i have only checked her blog less times than i can count on my fingers, usually in moments of distress and in the spirit of self-destruction.

i know for a fact she has convinced her friends to check my blog for her god knows how many times, telling them about her fear of me as a 'dangerous person', that i’m going to call her out, her "fear" that im obsessing over her and am quietly plotting to ruin her life. she's scared for a good reason, but not because i'm an abusive bitter ex out on a smear campaign to slander her innocent name and ruin her life in the name of revenge. she's scared because she knows i have some undeniably serious receipts on her. i have receipts of her sending me a horrifying letter her ex had written her describing a graphic instance of a time my ex had raped her, and of her admitting outright to the rape. i have logs of her checking her rape victim's blog and telling me how exasperated she was her victim was still angry with her even after she apologized, and couldn't understand why her victim was stuck on her and wouldnt move on, going on to blame modern feminism and its tendency to portray abusers and rapists as incorrigible. i have receipts of her admitting to perpetrating emotional and physical abuse in her previous relationships, like an instance where she describes losing control of herself and beating her ex senselessly. i have talked with exes, who confirm stories she had told me where she would cut her arms in her presence, deep enough that her life was at risk, and then refuse to go to the hospital, leaving her girlfriend to either bandage and tend to her wounds or else my ex would bleed out and die. those are just the more horrific ones. i have many receipts that document her emotional abuse towards me as well, which im barely even getting into here. i know plenty of other people have experiences with her and accounts of interacting with her that undeniably portrays her as a serial abuser, rapist, and extortionist and exposes the falsehood of her charming and intelligent persona.

several times i have considered calling her out because she has proven herself beyond a doubt that she is a serial abuser who leaves a trail of burning bridges in her wake. i have no doubts that the evidence i have against her is completely solid, and her claims of my status as an abuser that she perpetuates to her friends are built on pillars of sand. i am not afraid of anything she could bring to the table anymore. i have spoken quite a bit with exes and ex friends (some of which sided with her during our breakup and who eventually ended up cutting off, and we reconnected with years after), and they all suggest the same shit. she is manipulative to her very core and will not stop hurting and using people until she dies.

these are big claims and again, this isn't a callout and the reason im not providing the logs is because im just trying to get out my thoughts in an honest way and im not trying to make a case about anything. this is cathartic. im so fucking tired of feeling like its a secret. i dont even know what blog shes using or whatever and while that scares me, i don't care anymore. people who are still semi-big names in the online communities i drift around in still have me blocked and a lot of times i wish i could message them and tell them "hey, you know she's wrong, and i have absolute proof." but my self worth is high enough that i dont need to go around convincing every single rando who doesn't like me that im a good person, not to mention the risk of indirect contact through those who's lives she is still present in.

for a long time the way i coped was by holding onto the idea that she would apologize to me, and i could finally have closure. she apologized to the ex i mentioned earlier, and because of that i hoped she would grow enough as a person to realize that there is literally no way any rational being could look at our relationship and say that, yeah, i was the one hurting her. apparently thats too much credit to give her, and i realize she only apologized to her ex because she wanted me to think she was changing, growing and a good person at heart who just had a rough past. after enough time, enough conversations with people who she was previously close to, i have accepted that she will never truly dedicate herself to getting better. she will always be using people, always be hurting people, always lying, always hypocritical, always disingenuous and always covering her ass by hiding under the language of victimhood, trauma, recovery, self-improvment, DBT, and therapy to convince her victims that her offences are missteps in her journey to improvement.

this isn't a callout, this isn't meant to be circulated as a warning, this isn't meant to be any sort of vengeance or crusade. i dont even think shes fuckin on tumblr anymore lol. i don't care anymore. i dont care what people take this as. this is me writing an honest, open, reflective, cathartic processing of the scenario that impacted my teenage years so severely. this isnt concise or well written and i dont need it to be. i've spent too many years wanting to talk about this, needing to process it more openly, but being riddled with horrific anxiety and fear, worrying about her and her social influence and her ability to impact my life. but its been a long time. ive worked hard at this. ive worked hard to get past this. ive worked hard to learn how to be with people who will treat me with kindness. i needed to write this and i needed to post this without editing every sentence a thousand times. this is largely unedited. i dont care if this makes me look pathetic or obsessed with her ive been letting these feelings stir for years and im just ready to breathe again.

if you want to talk about this post DM me or whatever. if you know her and think its all bullshit and you want logs, sure. i dont have anything to hide anymore. her name is viv and she is the worst person i have ever met and i feel sorry that i gave her so much of my love. thanks.

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extremelyaverageincrediblynormal · 6 years

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I think its time to update this thing with everything that has been going on. A lot of beautiful things have happened the past 6 months, but when i look back, its a supercut of mental breakdowns and self harm. Surprisingly, i havent seriously thought about killing myself, but I am definitely putting a strain on my mental health, and i dont think i saw the signs until i was 4-5 months deep. until i was at the hospital. until i was crying in my work bathroom every day for 5 days. and even then, i still tried to keep telling myself if i give up, i am mentally weak. i still tell myself that know, as i try to get myself out of this situation. so lets explain the situation. I will try my best to go back to may and bring you up to speed.

I started working at this job... lets call it, the hellpit. I started in February, and they agreed to give me time off in april to go to japan. I was pretty happy about that, but i remember about a month and a half in, i seriously considered quitting, and that seemed early. I was annoyed at the lack of organization with the products we were selling, and the extra stress it put on the front of house employees. The job ITSELF wasnt so bad, it was simple tasks that were sometimes fun. But the customers were the worst. This is a private club, so we see the exact same people every single day, and i work in a half grab&go half diner. And we get treated like we are nothing. most of the time, we dont even get a “hi” or “thank you”, but we are required to smile and be polite, tell the customers to have a nice day. One girl got fired because she didnt smile enough and was kind of a quiet person. oops. But then i got my best friend hired, and i started enjoying my days a bit more. Japan gave me some perspective on life and i was running off that energy for about a month. I was also moving at the end of may so that took most of my focus. I was then asked to work in the poolside snack bar/ actual bar. I was excited, it sounded like a fun, fast-paced environment. I feel dissapointed writing that because I was so wrong. It makes me feel sad.

I would be working closer to the actual manager. Now, there is drama going on with that. there was 2 managers, R and C. R had been there for 13 years, had close relationships with the people in my workplace. she was even sister-in-laws with someone there. And then C comes in, and sees that there is a lot wrong with how the cafe is running. she wasnt totally wrong, but she has a large personality and isnt afraid to shit talk people. she came in and tried to change everything, and I dont know exactly what happened behind the scenes but R left on a 3 month stress leave, came back for 3 weeks and quit. If that doesnt tell you something about what it’s like to work along C, ive got more.

So this poolside hellbox was usually run by some other managers in the club, but C insisted on running it herself, putting her employees in it, etc. it was going to be the best year the poolside hellbox has ever seen. it was small, but it needed at least 3 people to run properly. Sure, it could be slow on cold days, but on hot days, it was a nightmare if there was only 2 people. Because we had to do everything; open, stock all the food, take orders, make orders, and pass them off, and close. it was truly exhausting and our days were always 9-10 hours, no breaks. She also stopped putting 3 people, brought it down to 2, usually 1. it was incredibly stressful. I tried to talk to her about my concerns, and she completely agreed. so i thought things would change. they did not. after some time, i injured my rotator cuff, and that lasted about a week until my entire back seized up and i had to go to the doctor. i was physically burnt out. and she had to work one of my shifts because i was medically ordered to take a break from work. writing this is making my back hurt.... funny how that works. anyways, i came back and she told me about how HARD of a day she had when she had to be in there for 6 hours. I thought to myself, good, she will finally understand. She never did. put me back in it, working 6 days a week, no tips, no breaks, 9 hours. there was a day where the air quality was so bad that my coworker with asthma expressed how ill the smoke makes him feel and that he cant breath, and she made sure he felt guilty for not telling her before hand. and then when we werent even making money that day, she blamed the people upstairs for not making the call to close it. i cant believe it.

the PSH finally closed for the year, but she wanted one more day to make a bunch of money. So there is another key player here. J. J has the title of supervisor but doesnt always act like it. C expresses how she feels about J often, and shes the only one who has the power to do something about it but does she? No.

So on this day, C is not at the Bad place, so in any other situation, J would be in charge. But C insisted that I text her and listen to what SHE said. and she said she wanted to open the PSH 2 hours early. J said it was too busy and we needed coverage. I listened to J. The fact that we didnt open 2 hours earlier really upset C. she was so mad at J for making that call, and i was upset that i was put in a position where i had no idea who to listen to.

So that was the day i decided i couldnt be there next summer. I needed to leave before the PSH opened again.

And since then, there has been a lot of hostility towards me. I remember C telling me that people might not like me because she likes me, and people dont like her. that should have been my first red flag to get the fuck out. I honestly thought she was a woman of her word, and that sticking with her was the right decision. she made me all these empty promises, like i’ll be getting a raise in September, or that she has big plans for me and my career there, or even that we were getting a company-paid night to reward us for all our hard work. and what has unfolded? nothing.

since then, it has been a series of bullshit. she comes down, yells at everyone and everything thats wrong, comments on how terrible the communication is, and how this doesnt look right, and how stupid everything is and how no one knows how to do their job, “except for you, this isnt directed towards you.” I have a feeling it may not be IN THAT MOMENT, but im sure it has been directed at me at some point. Shes manipulative, and takes advantage of people for her own personal gain, and completely lacks empathy. If it doesnt affect her, why does she care. If someone cant help her, why does she need them. that is her mentality, and she is a psycho. she wants complete control, but does nothing to change anything. She wants people to do certain things, but never tells them. She is by far, the worst manager i have ever had. not to mention she puts out the schedule thursday night-friday for the upcoming monday. so, yes, 3 days in advance. I feel betrayed, i feel disspointed, i feel burnt out.

She also made a sarcastic remark about how i could “never disappoint her”, which was the last straw for me. That was the day i decided i need to get out of there.

So, thats whats been going on at work, but behind the scenes, i have been unraveling. My manager has qualities that remind me of my mother, and not in a positive way. it’s very triggering in a way, and when i feel like i have disappointed her, i have the same feeling i would get when my mother would be disappointed in me. when she is completely unsympathetic to me being burnt out, i remember all the times my mom told me to stop feeling sorry for myself when i would cry. so i deal with daily triggers that i have a hard time shaking. there are also some things that go on in that club that really disturb my core values. I am a caring, inclusive person and these people treat us like dirt. I think most people are used to it, i even feel like im less sensitive to it as time goes by.

But i have been having mental breakdowns at least once a week. they were worse back in june or july, i remember completely trashing my room, throwing my books around and slamming my book case on the ground, and the colapsing and hyperventalating on the ground until my roommate found me. I remember scratching myself until i bled. I remember running to a park and crying in a field. I remember crying on the bathroom floor naked. I remember not being able to get out of bed. i remember punching a wall so hard i almost broke my fingers. this all happened withing 3 months. and after the big explosions came depression and giving up. I cry in the work bathroom often, i dont care about being on time, i dont care about my job, i dont care about my health or being in pain. i am in a constant fog, im exhausted and angry and i have a beautiful partner who loves me so much and i cant feel any of it, because i think i shut down everything so i can make it through the day. I’ve gained weight, i hate my body again, and i feel stuck. i feel ugly, i feel useless, i feel trapped. i need help. i need help getting out of this. i am so exhausted mentally, i do nothing with my day because im too tired. i am so incredibly miserable, i get those depression headaches every single day. I have a surgery coming up that i am not willing to compromise. maybe ill take some extra days off then? look for a job? rest my mind and prepare to job hunt and grind for a job that i might not hate? maybe i should leave now, go work at starbucks, see if i can get the time. maybe i should find a part time job, but will my manager hate me for it? does she already hate me for it? i just want to survive. i just dont want to get to the point where suicide feels like the only option again. I am not there yet, but its on the horizon, and that’s why i am scared.

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