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lilacskies10 · 1 year

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My unusual me, all time, I guess

One word that could describe me that not only me but others (some with cruel intentions, and some with loving or harmless ones - and yeah, I don't mind when my best friend says it, I know she doesn't mean it in a bullying way), is weird, or strange; or as I prefer: Unusual.

Obviously, I don't act the same way with everyone, and my personality and the way I present myself to people has evolved in a way due to years of being either bullied or... no yeah, just bullied; or maybe marginalized, which I don't know if it would fall into that category.

Maybe I should start describing myself in the present and then flash backward myself into my childhood to maybe refresh my memory on some aspects... and here it goes.

Me, right now, in the present and now being a young adult gaining conscience the same way when you're a toddler, and suddenly boom, you're conscious of what you do and think. Overall I could say I'm funny, at least with my close friends and close family members, but in two completely different ways: while my humor with my friends overpasses the limits of the nonsense, absolutely ridiculous humor that consists of sending each other random photos with even more random words on them; my humor with, for example, my cousins, consists of me giving deadpan looks and sometimes being sarcastic. I can converse with people, but now that I think about it, I might be always anxious about not knowing what to say next when the conversation falls dead - which leads me to a moment of being uncomfortable whenever there's silence, and constantly talking to at least have a conversation and avoid uncomfortable silences that they're only that way because of my mind. You could say I get confused when everyone stops talking, but I don't know.

And now that I think about it, I don't know how to specifically describe myself other than being remotely funny, a constantly screaming on the inside person, a chronic procrastinator, and someone who will cry at the slight raising of voice... there are many more things about me but I can't quite put my finger on them and not even describe them - might revisit this and give more info as I figure myself out more.

So... what do I like? you ask, what do I like to do? what do I dislike or hate? what am I afraid of?

The things I like are what a “normal” 20-year-old girl/boy/person would like: tv shows, movies, music… but of course, there’s a difference between liking something and having a whole hyper fixation about certain things. It's not always, but when I find a new interest mostly regarding tv shows - of course it doesn't happen with every show I watch (even if I got to watch a new one because I like to watch the same shows again and again and never try anything new - but, you know, when I finally venture myself into the unknown which I don't really like), but when I find THE show, it seems as if I lose myself in it, imagining myself as a character with a certain face and personality and constantly daydreaming about it, even in class or when I eat. When I find THE show, I can spend years (yeah, years) building a world around it, my own little fanfic in my mind, not being able to stop it... and it all made sense as soon as I read the term "maladaptive daydream" somewhere on the internet.

All in all you can say that I'm always in my own world, I could be anywhere and still daydream... I can't lie and say I hate it because you can't truly be hurt when you're in a world of your own and the characters just do and say what you want to hear - unless you want to give it some spice and then there's conflict, but you get what I mean (I hope). Escaping reality is a thing I enjoy doing, whether I know it's bad for me or not.

A new thing about me came to my mind, a new description of myself I hadn't realized when I started this draft, and again, I could erase the beginning but I won't. And well, here it goes: I'm someone scared of being rejected or ignored, I'm constantly thinking that people talk about me behind my back and that friendships won't last. You can call that a pinch of PTSD from being bullied for so many years, and even if it "stopped" there are still people who like to make fun of me, but I guess I attract all sorts of bullying to me, so I guess I just have to soak it up and vent on a tumblr page instead of sticking up for myself; which I don't know how to do because I cry really easily.

This brings me to the topic of bullying. And so, imagine you're a girl whose parents decided to move but not from city to city - from country to country, start fresh to run from your usual south American life experience. So, here's me, a three-year-old kid who thank God knows the language but has the south American accent, which no matter your skin color, racist or xenophobic people are still going to laugh at, even little kids. So, again, a toddler in a small town with nobody else but her parents, really shy equals kids your age not wanting to be your friend, telling you they don't understand what you're saying and just ignoring you, and sometimes pushing you to the ground. And that toddler thinks that primary school could be better, but nope, not at all - at least I can thank that only those years in primary school is the only period of time where the bullying got a little bit too physical, from dragging you through the stairs or scratching your forehead, to - again, pushing you to puddles; and on top of that, when that toddler turned into a 10-year-old kid, a teacher decided that it would be nice to tell her that she should go back to her own country and that she's gonna end up working as a trash truck driver, all because she couldn't solve a math problem. Yup, tough years, tougher when I ended up having to befriend my own bullies, maybe my mom thought it would be better so they could leave me alone especially when no one did anything to stop the kids, no teachers, nobody at all.

So, the kid reaches the preteen years, and she's a total outcast pushing herself into doing things she doesn't like, such as going out - which I grew up to despise a lot, and I have no problem going out to school or maybe the cinema or a mall, but going out to a party? and drink? to a club? no thank you. Two times I got drunk and meh, a few more times I went out at night, hated it; a club? once and not only I got a panic attack from the number of people there but I got back with covid... so yeah, very lame. I detest alcohol, especially the taste of everything, I hate going out at night, and I hate sleeping somewhere that's not my room, and I avoid it unless it's necessary. There were even times I completely lost it and lashed out at my friends because I had been hiding my true feelings about it, saying things I didn't mean and apologizing later... losing it is something that doesn't happen a lot, but there are times when I have a not-very-nice meltdown.

So, going back to my high school years, ignoring the fact that I literally got threatened by a girl I had finally stood up to, the cute nicknames started. Weird, ugly, slut (for some reason I don't understand)... but weird was their favorite name for me, and I remember that there was this one time, just one time, where I was called autistic. And so I spend those first years with a friend who was kind of toxic to me, but honestly fuck her so I'm not going to talk about her. And finally, the last two years of high school is when I decided to change schools, to maybe get some peace and meet new people, and the latter happened, but my friend and other girls decided to transfer as well and there was one of them who decided to start calling me dumb for no good reason, the toxic friend as well but in a more passive-aggressive "I'm joking" way - so much that I started to believe it and got addicted to taking IQ quizzes just to prove myself that I wasn't dumb (the last one I took I got a 115 score, so I guess I'm proud of myself and got over that, a little bit). PS if you want an update on which names are some people calling me now are immature, which I really hate, and if it was in a constructive way of saying instead of a strategy to make me cry and win an argument they were losing then I wouldn't mind that much... the name kinda stopped and at least that brings me relief. And FYI, those two last years were kind of better despite being called dumb all the time, because at the end of the day I made friends.

And where are those friends, you ask? we grew apart, and it makes me grow a fear of not being able to keep friendships. And of course, I'm not saying that everyone is the problem but me, I mean, I'm a really weird person, and not knowing how to express myself or just be myself - spending my time catering to others and giving way too much just to keep friendships I desperately want to hold on to. I guess I can be annoying, repetitive - or both, well not "I guess", I know I can be, but you don't have to be mean or laugh at me for that.

Even now that I have friends, they are three but I can be myself for once with them, every time I meet other people I am very very wary, and just tone everything down so they don't think I'm weird.

So, all in all, I have trust issues, and social anxiety, probably but most probably ADD with a maladaptive daydream, and after all, I still think there's a possibility of me having autism but still confused if I had been masking for a long time or not. This is very confusing.

I'm not gonna tag tags, so boring.

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johnkrrasinski · 4 years

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be my baby;

full masterlist

Pairings: bucky barnes x camgirl!reader (modern au)

Word count: 1,834

Warning: SMUT. sexy times, cuss words, masturbation, (female & male). MUST BE 18+

Summary: you were a camgirl and bucky barnes was your favorite regular client. what happens when you realized you were catching feelings?

a/n: this one’s written for @candy-and-writing‘s 1000 followers writing challenge. congrats girl! i chose the prompt “you’re fucking beautiful.”

⭒☆━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━━☆⭒

The screen of your laptop lit up, illuminating the dimmed room you were unchaperoned in. The ringing tone reverberated, waiting for you to accept the call, and the familiar face and those sapphire blue eyes emerged.

"Hey there, handsome." You coquettishly whispered.

"Hey, baby. You ready to make daddy feel good tonight?"

"Yes, daddy. I’m always ready for you." You writhed for the man on the screen.

Bucky had been one of your regular clients for three months now and he was irrefutably your favourite. Those hypnotizing blue eyes and that deep gravel voice, especially when he went into the full commanding mode, mandating you to please him; that smug look on his face when he triumphantly made you roll your eyes to the back of your head, and the way his gentle words would soothe you afterwards made you wish he was right there in the same room as you instead of being linked by internet access. Sometimes you'd think that you were falling for the man, but the stringent voice in your head would quickly clear those daydreams away saying, "no! you gotta be professional. He probably has a girlfriend or a wife in real life." (and you swear you didn't hear your heart fracturing at the thought)

"Good girl. Always so obedient for daddy, huh?" you nodded. "Now take off that bra and those panties, then lean back and spread your legs wide for me."

"Yes, daddy," you followed his orders; spreading your legs wide, putting each on the sides of your laptop, giving him a full display of your glistening cunt.

"Such a pretty cunt. Now, rub that clit for me, c'mon."

You slowly slid your fingers down from your bare chest, to your belly and then to the spot that he wanted you to touch. You made a circling motion on the sensitive bundle of nerves. You shut your eyes as you let yourself relish the pleasure. You whimpered with your mouth open and bit your lip to suppress it.

"Play with your tits baby." Your other hand move to your breast and you groped the globe and then you pinched the nipple. "Yeah, just like that. God, you're so fucking beautiful." You moaned at the piquant sting, and you rubbed your clit more furiously as you felt yourself getting more soaked. You felt the familiar bubble forming in your abdomen ready to burst in seconds.

"Can I cum daddy, please?" You whined as you kept playing with your breast and fingers nudging the bud.

"Not yet babygirl, now insert two fingers inside that cunt."

You did as he said, and shoved two digits through your tight entrance and you moved them in and out as you felt your fingers getting drenched, the squelching sounds elevated the eroticism in the scene.

"Keep one hand on your sexy tits baby, yeah fuck that cunt for me."

As you shut your eyes once more, trying to focus on stroking the spot that pushes you to the edge every time, you heard the sound of him unzipping his pants, and he pulled down his boxer to his thighs, just enough to let his massive cock spring free.

His fingers circled around his shaft, pumping himself up and down, as he kept his sight fixated on you, watching every movement you make, the way your face contorted in pleasure and your brows furrowed, and euphonious sounds escaping your lips, it riled his cock more and more, getting it as hard and as stiff as a rock.

"Goddamnit, you're so fucking gorgeous." He grunted through his ragged breathing. "Think of my giant cock destroying that cunt, using you like the dirty little slut you are." His words caused shivers cascading your spine, as you envisioned being pinned underneath him with you ass up in the air and your face squeezed to the pillow.

You squirmed as your cries grew an octave higher, picturing his hands wrapped around your throat as he pounded into you vigorously from behind, not giving you any mercy or repose.

"Gonna fuck you until you're braindead until you can't do anything else but beg for my cock to make you cum like a whore." You picked up the pace, shoving your fingers relentlessly and thrashed around on the sheets.

You felt yourself clenching around your own digits, the tightening coil was seconds away into plummeting you into bliss. "Oh god, please, I'm so close daddy, please!" You pleaded through your ragged breathing as you arched your back.

"Beg louder, baby."

"I need to cum now, daddy! Please!" Your heart pounded against your ribcage, a common aftereffect from your sessions with Bucky.

"Attagirl. Cum for me babygirl, show me what a dirty little whore you are for me."

A few more vehement onslaughts and your abdomen convulsed. Your orgasm erupted, clouding your brain with euphoria, knocking the breath out of your lungs. Your body shook as your cries echoed on the walls of your room.

Bucky was still running his hand up and down, reaching his own impending climax. He felt his cock twitching and in a few more pumps, he shot out ribbons of his thick load all over his stomach. He growled as he envisioned painting your womb white with his seed, burying himself deep inside you until every last drop was stored.

He threw his head back and cussed in front of the camera. It was truly a magnificent sight. Man, Bucky knew what he signed up for in the first place and that every girl on this website would keep it strictly professional and online but, the number of times he’d fantasized about taking you on a date to a nice restaurant and then bring you home afterwards to fuck you against the bathroom wall or in front of the mirror all night long would easily give you a reason to kick him out or conclude any sexual engagements with him in the future. Bucky was too madly infatuated with you to risk it.

You were the only thing he looked forward to after a long, dull day at work. You had an edge around you that just pulled him in like a magnet, once he had a taste of you, he was addicted. And he hadn’t even physically tasted you yet. God, he could imagine just how sweet you would taste on his tongue. But you were also capable of being the ideal submissive that he desired. Those doe eyes looking at him through the lens and the way you’d bite your lip innocently, teasing him like the devil. It drove him nuts. And he only longed for more.

Bucky always thought that he wasn’t the type to settle down in a relationship but, if he were, you would exactly be the type of girl that could make him change his mind. Sometimes within the one-hour sessions that he had with you, he would tell you about his day and get all the tension of his chest to you and you would be an excellent listener, always paying attention to every word and never failed to making relieve him of the stress. Along the way, you both felt like you had known each other better than most people that you interacted with in real lives.

Was he catching feelings for you? No, no, no, for fuck’s sake, get it together, Barnes! She only saw you as another of her client!

The thought of you exposing every inch of your body to other men and women caused an extreme detestation in him and it was bugging the hell out of him.

“You did good, babygirl.”

“Thank you, daddy. Do you feel good?”

“Absolutely.” His smile was warm, a contrast to the one that would show when he was tormenting you.

“Do you wanna talk about your day, daddy?”

“Nothing new. Just another boring day at the job.”

“Well, at least mine is the complete opposite.” You winked at him.

He chuckled, amused by your witty remark. Then it was quiet for a few seconds.

“Babygirl, I’ve been thinking…”

“Yeah? What is that, daddy?”

“I know I agreed that we’d keep it strictly professional but, goddamnit, I can’t get you out of my mind for the last few months now. And you’re just… God, you’re fucking amazing. So I was wondering, would you like to meet up? I’ll take you on a nice date, and I’ll pick you up wherever you are.”

You were tongue-tied. You’d always thought that Bucky was never interested to see you in person. You always wondered about him, composing fiction in your head, every night before you drift into a deep slumber, based on all the data that he decided to share with you. You always imagined about kissing him, being on your knees for him as you wrapped your lips around his manhood, and using your body like a ragdoll. Because that’s the only place where you could touch him and feel him.

And now here he was, asking you if you were interested in meeting him in person and go on a date with him. You know that when you first applied for this job, you vowed to yourself that you’d keep it strictly professional and that you’d never let your feelings defeat your common sense. But those oaths were disrupted since the day this job introduced you to Bucky.

You couldn’t decide whether you were grateful or woeful for that.

But now you knew that it was the former. Because everything you had dreamt of for the last three months came true and you were bubbling with joy. You were ecstatic, like a girl who had just been asked by her crush to go to prom with him.

“Yes, yes daddy! I wanna go on a date with you.”

“You serious?” His expression was elated.

“Yes! I’d love to know you more, daddy.”

“Oh man, I should’ve been more prepared, so… How about you give me your number and text me your address later? This Saturday, 8 PM. Sounds good?”

“Yes, daddy. It does.”

“Alright. God, I can't fucking wait to see that beautiful face in person… Oh and by the way, you don’t have to call me daddy when we’re not getting each other off, baby. You can call me Bucky. I love to hear the sound of my name rolling off your tongue.”

“Okay, Bucky.”

You exchanged number before you ended the session and you instantly texted your address. What an odd coincidence it is that you both lived in New York. He worked at Wall Street and he reminded you that he was going to be at your front door at 8 PM this Saturday. You were jittery, anticipating for the weekend. You didn’t know if he was going to be as wonderful as he seemed to be in real life or if the date would lead to something more between you, but one thing that you knew for sure was that you certainly needed to shop for a new dress.

#candys1000writingchallenge #bucky barnes x reader #bucky barnes fanfic #bucky barnes imagine #bucky barnes one shot #bucky barnes smut #bucky barnes fluff #bucky barnes au #bucky barnes x you #bucky barnes x y/n #bucky barnes #sebastian stan smut #sebastian stan fluff #sebastian stan x reader #sebastian stan imagine #sebastian stan fanfic #sebastian stan

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lastoneout · 6 years

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so, quick question... how did you know you had adhd? i've been relating a lot to the stuff you've been reblogging about it, and i honestly can't tell if that's coincidental or if i should look into it more... but like, i'm an adult and female so like, i hesitate to say i might have it. could i hear some of your thoughts?

Yeah of course!

So first of all, its a very common misconception that ADHD is just a thing that little boys get and then grow out of. It affects all kinds of people, and female/afab adults are hardly ever actually diagnosed because their symptoms present very differently due to societal treatment and other factors.

ADHD is divided into three types, the Inattentive Type, the Hyperactive-Impulsive Type, and Combination. Women and afab people are more likely to have the ‘inattentive type’ of ADHD, which means stuff like:

Loosing track of time

Forgetfulness

Being very easily bored

Zoning out even in the middle of something important

Having trouble following directions

Hyper-focusing on things you find interesting to the point of not doing anything else

Jump from task to task without ever finishing one

Finding it almost impossible to focus on things that you find ‘boring’

Missing important details and making seemingly obvious mistakes

Executive dysfunction(Not being able to start or complete tasks for seeming no reason even when you really want/need to)

Having a hard time organizing and keeping things clean

Just stuff that would get you pegged by others as a daydreamer or ditsy. Most people do display both kinds of symptoms, it’s just about which ones are more prevalent. So you might also do things like:

Constantly fidget with pens, clothing, basically anything you can get your hands on, bounce/jiggle your legs, or even do self-destructive fidgets like picking at your face or chewing on your nails. Essentially you constantly need to be doing something, sitting still is hard or impossible

Have extremely poor impulse control, interrupt people or finish their sentences, just do things without thinking

Have no patience, and get very annoyed or upset when things take too long

Talk a lot

Need at least two sources of stimulation, such as watching Netflix up also being on your phone, or not being able to concentrate on something like reading or chores without music in the background

I don’t know which I am, but I do display a lot more of the inattentive symptoms than the hyperactive ones, as do most adult women and afab people.

Looking back now it seems kinda obvious that I had it as a kid, I was always drawing in class or fidgeting. I found it easier to focus when there was music playing since the quiet was too distracting. I always forgot stuff even if I made a note so I would write important things all over my arms because then I couldn’t forget. I had fantastic in class participation but could never bring myself to do my homework even when I wanted to or it was easy. Coffee and other things high in caffeine would make me tired and calm instead of hyper. I would hyper-fixate on whatever book I was reading to the point of completely ignoring everything around me and would get unreasonably upset when people would interrupt me.

And while I don’t have to worry about school work anymore since I’m 23 when I started living alone I began noticing other issues I had, and the more I read about ADHD and people with it I began to suspect that I had it, since I displayed so many of the symptoms, especially the ones more common in adult women and those afab.

I noticed how coffee still didn’t really wake me up, just kinda centered everything, and found out that stimulants work differently on the brains of people with ADHD, usually having the opposite affect, and that most adults with diagnosed ADHD self-medicate with coffee. I realized that even today I had a lot of trouble focusing on stuff I found ‘boring’, and would constantly miss tiny details or completely forget to do really, really important things even though I knew they were important like pay rent or call a repairman. I would hyper-fixate on drawing or video games and not get up to eat or use the restroom for like 5-6 hours. Being bored was excruciating. I had severe executive dysfunction, and it could take me hours to just get out of bed and take a shower and eat.

I also have what is called Rejection Sensitive Dysphoria, which is common in almost all people who have ADHD. Essentially, it causes you to be hyper-sensitive to any kind of rejection, to the point of a full nervous breakdown. For me, the best example is once my boss needed to talk to me because I had done something wrong, and while he was right that I had messed up, I ended up spending the next hour crying nonstop and had to go home. When people say I did something wrong or make fun of me or even just point out a small mistake I made it can ruin my mood for days and cause me to fall into depressive episodes or cry or start thinking about how worthless I am. The worst part of RSD is that most people who suffer from it develop a fear of trying anything new becuase what if they mess up. They also tend to turn into people-pleasers because if even one person around them is upset they view it as their fault and fall into that cycle. Something like that is a big red flag for ADHD.

I also read how that un-diagnosed ADHD in adult women/afab people can lead to depression and anxiety because they constantly perceive themselves as failing at simple things that other people find so easy, and end up never getting treatment because it doesn’t even occur to them that they could have ADHD.

As for how I got diagnosed, I had recently started getting help for my depression and anxiety and so I asked my doctor about it and she had me explain everything and answer questions and she eventually agreed that I did have it and gave me adderall to help. It still isn’t perfect, the meds do a lot of good but sometimes they are too much and I end up jittery and start disassociating because the balance of sugar/caffeine/stimulants can get too much especially if you have anxiety, and you may have to try different dosages and types of meds before you find the ones that really work. And meds aren’t the be-all-end-all of treatment. You still need to find ways to manage and work with your symptoms, just like with any other mental problem.

So, this got really long but essentially if you think you might have ADHD you should look into it and try talking to a doctor. For me, finding out I had it and getting help was so liberating. I almost cried because I finally knew that I wasn’t just stupid or broken or useless, I just had a disorder and there was something I could do to get better.

If you want to read more about all this you should check out ADDitude Magazine because they have tons of free articles and resources for learning about ADHD and ADD written by and for people with those disorders. and its a really good place to go for info.

I hope this helped. Sorry it got so long T_T

#adhd #adhd help #Anon #Asked And Answered

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