#esp. because i feel like I will overwhelm myself if I focus too much on illustrations

[alaluea]

A silver blade suddenly glitters underneath her neck. Lucas’s cold gaze keeps her in place as she hears her rapier clatter behind her.

“I warned you,” he says.

Not part of my art challenge but this is an old piece I wrote a while back that I felt nostalgic for. There’s no true context to this piece outside of that I greatly enjoy the idea that my boy protagonists are knowingly useless in the face of Lucas and Vanessa is the only one being even the slightest bit capable of facing him.

Regardless, I’m thinking of trying to do sort of a Fablehaven thing wherein the more important moments are illustrated and a lot more emphasis is put on the writing aspect. So character introductions and my favorite moments would be illustrated but a bulk of the story is tied into a written narrative with occasional interactive actions.

#oc stuff #hologram #one day I’ll tag the actual name for this story I swear #feeling down so I’m scrolling through old stuff #this is a glimpse of how Lucas acts towards the cast and vice versa #also a glimpse at how the protags feel about him #working on my short NVL project is making me realize how much I prefer writing to drawing lol #esp. because i feel like I will overwhelm myself if I focus too much on illustrations #‘sides I can always do animation memes and stuff outside of the story when I want to #so it’s not like I need to constantly illustrate things when I can always do that later lol

[eldrichfuck666]

Get to know a simmer

Okay, soooo I was tagged by @silentsundown (thank you so so much for tagging me, I really love to talk, ramble and even most of the time overshare on this blog, so thank you! I really appreciate you tagging me, I hope you're having a really nice time of the day!! 💗)

1. What’s your favourite sims death?

Meteorite death in The Sims 3, definitely! And maybe werewolf bite death and I'm not sure if it's a mod, buut I love when humans die by being sucked out too much blood by a vampire, like blood loss death or? Oh! And being eaten by the cowplant. Also, death by a myth from High School Years pack. It's super creepy for me personally. Please note that I'm not really a player, so I don't remember much deaths, I'm sure there's so much more interesting. creepy and kinda funny ways to die in Sims 4!

2. Alpha or Maxis Match CC?

It's both! I equally love alpha and maxis match, and mix those two styles because honestly? There's too much gorgeous and unique cc to both of these styles to just choose or prefer one.

3. Do you cheat when your sims gain weight?

No? Maybe because they don't because even when (actually it's IF) I play I cheat their needs :DD OH, and I also have some MCCC marks or whatever it called in English (метки) so their appearance won't be reseted or be able to change because I'm too tired of their presets changing for some reason when I enter live mode.

4. Do you use move objects?

HOW CAN YOU FUCKING NOT USE THIS CHEAT????????

5. Favorite mod?

I don't really remember all my favorite gameplay mods, but there are some I can't play without (not including some obvious ones such as MCCC and WW and UI Cheats and cooking mods that I have a lot):

ALL mods from SpinningPlumbobs, especially the Expanded Mermaid and Werewolves! These are super detailed and amazing for players who mainly focus on occult sims. It makes occults so much more interesting to play and it brought me back to somehow enjoying gameplay.

ALL mods from PERSEA, but especially Realistic Life & Pregnancy mod because it has so much cute interaction and it truly brings in so much depth and a sense of feelings to sims. Like real emotions and buffs, also cute dialogue options!

ALL mods from Lumpinou. But especially RPO, Open Love Life, Psychic Sims and Rambunctious Religions (if you wanted to have a cult in your game, esp occult cult - it's possible!!! And god I LOVE having sexy priests that are really priests in my game). Actually, every single mod of this creator is my must-have for gameplay, so YEEEEAH.

ALL mods from Maplebell. I do think that the Acting overhaul was a very needed mod for the game, as well as the socials & more kisses mod!

ALL mods from Adeepindigo, but especially education system overhaul AND PARANORMAL CAREER & GHOST HUNTERS!! Family activities and custom nuptials are the mods I find myself using the most, as well as Pet Care Activities. Also, the tweaks & small mods are VERY useful! The only mod I don't use from this creator is dental care - although it's super cool and realistic, but it's too overwhelming for me (thanks OCD), same with the most recent - Divergent sims, it's incredibly detailed but I'm not ready to deal with the same shit I go though every day in The Sims too lmao. It's overwhelmingly realistic & very detailed!

There's so much more, but my brain is super dumb, so I can't remember, but! If you see any detailed occult mod esp for vampires - you KNOW i'm already using it because that sort of mods are the most amazing for me. I love gameplay mods. although I don't really play a lot, but I have much of them.

6. First expansion/game/stuff pack you got?

I'M A FUCKING PIRATE HOW DO I ANSWER? I got them all at ones time yeeeeeah I'm too cool for this question 😎😎😎😎😎 But if I'm being serious, although I got on a pirate ship when I was a teen, I started playing sims 4 when I think Cats & Dogs came out? So that can count as the first thing I got just because I started there. But If i'm being serious, I don't remember lmao. When I was a teen, I was pirating everything I saw on russian torrent websites, but I remember being instantly more interested in TS4 when pets expansion came out. SORRY I'M STUPID AND MY MEMORY IS TERRIBLE

7. Do you pronounce “live mode” like aLIVE or LIVing?

aLIVE. But overall, I have no idea how it should be pronounced. And with LIVing it sounds so dumb I'm sorry-

8. Who’s your favorite sim that you’ve made?

ANSEL ANSEL ANSEL ANSEL ANSEL ANSEL!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! OH AND- LUCINDA!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! I CAN'T CHOOSE! THEY'RE MY FUCKING KIDS!!!! I LOVE THEM ALL!!!!!! IT'S CRUEL TO PICK SOMEONE!!!!!!!!!!!!!

9. Have you made a simself?

Lucinda is enough of simself. I think. She has my appearance for the most part, and tbh, she's my vent OC so I guess?...

10. What sim traits do you give yourself?

I DON'T KNOW. WAIIIIT I searched for the post-reblog with traits, so yeeeeeah I found it! My brain doesn't know English today bc I just forgot how the traits translates in English, so....

LONER 🐺 DOG LOVER 🐕 PARANOID 👀 GLOOMY 🌧️ BOOKWORM 📚

11. Which is your favorite EA hair color?

ALL THE NEW 6 COLOURS SIMS ADDED IDK 2 YEARS AGO?? BUT ESP THE NEW BLACK & NEW VERY BLOND SOFT ALMOST WHITE COLOUR IIIII CAN'T HAVE ENOUGH OF ITTTTTTTT

12. Favorite EA hair?

Wait, howwww they even look? I haven't used any EA hair in the recent months or even years, so I had to look them up in CAS lmaooooo. Okay, so! Probably all HYS & Growing Together hair, almost all black hairstyles! AND I LOVE DREAM HOME DECORATOR AND NIFTY KNITTING HAIR!!! they're so good wowwwww! and i'm a fucking fan of Paranormal mullet! AND ALL THE HAIR FROM COTTAGE LIVING TOO! The way I didn't know about them until I started writing this tag 👁️👁️👁️

13. Favorite life stage?

YOUND ADULT. I'm scared of aging and death everywhere, so I have NEVER played a sim older than young adult. It may be oversharing (which is my love language btw and I just can't shut up SO BEAR WITH ME and my loud personality here), but the only thought about elders make me extremely sad and almost makes me hystericly cry for hours- NO IM NOT OKAY but my phychiatrist says it's getting better you know!!!! ALSO. My god infants are incredible cute and I love playing with kids because my god they're so adorable in game! I'm a child hater btw, but the game infants are super cute!

14. Are you a builder or are you in it for the gameplay?

I'm sorry but NEITHER. But if i need to choose, I'm choosing building because it's so good but also! Not nessecerealy building, but decorating! I don't build I'm fucking dumb & scared of floorplans, roofs and terrain painting. But decorating? Anytime, please!!

15. Are you a CC creator?

NO- At least yet, but we'll see! Btw, I almost forgot that I wanted to recreate a fucking pose from the sexy french anti-smoking campaign poster 👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️👁️

16. Do you have any simblr friends/a sim squad?

!!!!!!!!!!!!!! MY MUTUALS ARE MY FRIENDS BY THE ONLY FACT WE'RE MUTUALS EVEN IF WE INTERACT ONE TIME YOU'RE MY FRIEND AND I'D KILL FOR YOU!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

17. What’s your favorite game?

Ummm... Bloodborne & The Forest & Alien: Isolation?? But if we're talking about Sims, then it's TS2! The townies are the best although I didn't really grew up on The Sims in the way most simmers did, I played TS2 with my older sister all the time and this game has such amazing humor (although yeah it's pretty crude and mature BUT THAT'S SO COOL WWAAAAAAH) and personality, It's super good!

18. Do you have any sims merch?

DO YOU NOT KNOW HOW MUCH DELIVERY TO GERMANY COSTS!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Although I want to have the merch maybe like?? Plumbob headphones or like headband? That would be so cool!

19. Do you have a YouTube for sims?

NO. I wanted to be simtuber for some time, but I'm too scared of hate that comes with particiapating in youtube community, so NEVER THANK YOU!

20. How has your “sim style” changed throughout your years of playing?

I have no idea, I'm sorry. And I don't really have my much older sims or screenshots or save files? But I think I started being more risky and using much more CC and using heavy alpha CC which I adore! Also, my sims started to become more and more gorey and dark-themed. Like- I feel like my sims were less horror-like few years before, they were casual occults. GOD I HOPE ONE DAY WE CAN HAVE TRUE BODY HORROR (MORE EYES PLEASE!!!!!!!! I WANT MY SIMS TO HAVE EYEBALLS EVERYWHERE ON THEIR BODY AND I WANT THEM INSECTS GROWING UNDER THEIR SKIN PLLLLSSS!), like imagine having open lungs. more than two hangs or other body parts?? OR BLOODY DEER ANTLERS OR- sorry im fucking unhinged and maybe one day I'd get my lazy ass and create it all myself BECAUSE I CLEARLY NEED IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

21. What’s your Origin ID?

It's a secret. There's nothing and I was banned for piracy while sharing sims (no CC ones btw, and they were fucking normal like USUAL sims) TWICE. So nope!

22. Who’s your favorite CC creator?

I have 300+ GB mods folder how do i answer this.... Okay, let's do it! And BTW, I'm scared of tagging creators and tagging in general, so I won't do it this time so I won't spam or annoy anyone and won't be this anxious myself.

@pralinesims EVAN I'M SORRY BUT I'M TOTALLY TAGGING YOU!!! You- First of all, as I remember, you were the first creator with whom my journey with CC began and even then, you had a superior quality CC, and it was and still is the best CC content ever! I know I've said it a million times before, but! Your CC is a true must-have for me, I literally can't imagine CAS without it, it changes so much and adds necessary little details that give my sims a lot more personality :') AND SPECIAL THANK YOU FOR THE GORE!!!! gore forever!! I love gore!! AND FOR THE EYES!!

@lady-moriel (I know I tagged you twice in this post, but it's for a different purpose 😭😭 pls forgive me) has the most amazing fantasy/ occult cc which is really high quality AND MY GOD THE ARMOR!! AND DRUID STUFF!! It's so unique and done just so amazingly, all the details- it looks beautiful in game and I fucking swear, I can't live without your CC! And I still can't get over your Leshey set, because my god... I can talk about it for hours, it's just- It's a perfection, and you need to know that it's only thanks to you I can have literally Zone Blanche in my game-

Now, creators I'm afraid to tag in this ramble thingy. IT'S GOING TO BE SUPER LONG SO BE PREPARED LMAOOO

23. How long have you had a simblr?

Favorite skin details/skins creators — @/obscurus-sims, @/northernsiberiawinds, @/poyopoyosim, @/ddarkstonee, @/sims3melancholic, @/lamatisse, @/nesurii, @/angissi, @/twisted-cat, @/squea, @/thisisthem, @/simbience, @/sammi-xox

Favorite presets creators — @kashisun (!!!!), @/hi-land, @/viagosims, @/cinnasims, @/meeshi, @/ssspringroll, @/sammi-xox, @/arenetta

Favorite clothes creators — @/backtrack-cc, @/eunosims, @/nucrests, @/gorillax3-cc, @/plbsims, @/lumysims, @/trillyke, @/amelylinaa, @/arethabee, @/liliili-sims4, @/cinnamon-sims I don't remember more I'm sorry- I use much cc but do I remember creator names? mainly not 😭😭 my brain is not braining i-

Favorite hair creators - @/sheabuttyr, @/simandy @/ebonixsims, @/icchixxxxxx1, @/clumsyalienn, @falsogod, @/0o0ghost0o0, anto, @/leahlillith, @/aladdin-the-simmer, @/simstrouble, @/zaozzaa, darknighTt on tsr, @/1-800-cuupid THERE'S SO MUCH I'M JUST DUMB AND I HAVE MEMORY LIKE A FISH-

I came here in March, I believe! So like... 3 months? And my god I never felt this accepted in any community before, although begging was very scary and still is a bit, but the more I shared my OCs, edits and screenshots with you, the more accepted and loved I felt and my god, this is such an amazing feeling when you see how everyone share their amazing creativity and love for franchise and just- It's truly amazing to see everyone's amazing creativity and I still can't believe how different everyone's sims and game is! IT'S JUST SO COOL! I love seeing such different and unique visions being connected by the one game.

24. How do you edit your pictures?

OOOH It's a lot! First of all, I have pretty heavy and detailed reshade (but my PC is very much okay with this, so don't worry), I have a couple of favorite presets that make the game look SO MUCH DIFFERENT AHH! But keep in mind that I change a lot of settings and have my MXAO's set differently. The ultimate favorite of mine is Softee preset by Lustrousims! Its truly amazing and I use it every time. What I love about it is colour scheme and the way it DOES work with POC sims which is AMAZING! So for gameplay or build (which i have like... three, maybe?) or cas posts I don't really edit anything, maybe use a couple of color ajustments + dust + light leaks + resolution enchance + blur background a bit or make some details pop, but that's all!

But when It comes to my edits.... I do use blender, so you can see a few of my renders here. I edit them and in-game pictures either in GIMP or Photoshop (I pirate it too btw) for psd actions or if i'm editing while at work or while going somewhere - i use mobile editing apps such as Photoshop Express & Lightroom, Glitch Lab, Polarr, Vaporgram! Sometimes mobile apps are more useful for specific things than GIMP or Photoshop on PC lmaooo, so yeah.

Thirdly, I enchance resolution on PC by Topaz AI and on mobile with Remini, which is super useful because it does add details and really unblur pics.

25. What expansion/game/stuff pack is your favorite so far?

OKAY SO. Please keep in mind that my opinion may be weird, but that's because I never paid a single euro for The Sims 4, I KNOW most of TS4 packs and content in general is super overpriced and bad if you keep in mind how much you paid for it, but I haven't, I have it all for free, so I just mostly enjoy everything when I truly explore or play it. I do still shame EA tho lmaoo.

Expansions: Get to Work (mainly because of aliens and active careers), Cottage Living (HAVE YOU SEEN THE CUTEST COWS??HAVE YOU SEEN THEM??), Cats & Dogs, Growing Together, Island Living.

Game packs: Vampires (OBVIOUSLY!), Strangerville, Realm of Magic, Werewolves

Stuff packs: PARANORMAL, Vintage Glamour, Movie Hangout Nifty Knitting, Tiny Living, Laundry Day!

26. What expansion/game/stuff pack do you want next?

Okay, sooooooo......

Expansion: music groups & choirs & opera pack that will bring more ACTIVE careers for musicians, more music instruments, PLEASE GIVE ME OPERA AND BALLET THEATERS (... my russian side truly wants to have it, like pls), tours and trip-hop as in-game genre! Also, It would be amazing if they'll add something like church choirs or something like that.

Game pack: FAIRIES. And bigfoot. Please. I want to have those in my game so bad! Also, I think it would be amazing if we'd another pack where we'll get the whole funeral system, like funerals and graveyards! I WANT TO HAVE THOSE SO BAD. And I want this pack to have maybe mortician career. maybe even an active one? As well as active funerals, more coffins with cross-pack compability so that vampires can sleep in them too. Also! You know this message your sim sometimes get about their very far relative passing away and giving them money? I want it expanded & it's a great ability to add an option for a sim to own a multiple homes and apartments, like having their own and the house that was passed for them by a grand-someone.

Stuff packs: something for toddlers and infants, maybe including functional strollers & new interactive toys (like a mini piano or a book that can sing them songs) and more clothes and bb objests. I think we need more gameplay for toddlers and infants! And also, maybe a separate stuff pack for kids? ALSO WE FUCKING NEED THE SPOOKY STUFF REFRESH!

Lastly, I'm tagging @alinelie, @lady-moriel, @lunarspellsims, @noeyinthemist, @the-daydream-archives, @2013trait, @isthisdesire98. I know it's not a lot of you, but I don't remember who I've seen doing this tag, so yeah! Please feel free to ignore this and I also apologize in case I annoyed you. I hope you're having a good day! I love you all just so much!

#tag game #I TALK TOO MUCH HELP???????????????????????????

[boringsideeffect]

i've been thinking about gender and my specific feelings on the matter and where i fit withing the spectrum and it's just... so complex, i guess? idk. i'm afab. i've never felt truly comfortable within the feminine gender - idk - bracket? (sorry, i literally don't have words, apparently) for a long stretch of years i haven't been truly paying those feelings/thoughts much attention (i had to focus on staying alive and somewhat sane, and then i've been in a relationship with a partner that was ignoring anything "other" about me and was trying to make me fit into a "perfect girlfriend" type person) but they have been surfacing every now and then. ever since breaking off my engagement and leaving that relationship, i've had much more time, energy and motivation to do a lot more thinking soul-searching and trying to figure out what feels right, and for some time i thought the genderfluid "label" might fit me, and to a certain extent i still do think so i guess, but i've come to realise that there might be something else, maybe? i'm getting increasingly uncomfortable with using feminine terms while speaking about myself and feminine terms being used to address me & talk to/about me. and in a certain way it feels like i still don't know anything about myself. i've spent the last four years trying to get to know myself better and i still don't know shit. i'm 32 and i'm sitting here, baffled. like, who am i even? am i genderfluid? am i. am i trans? i don't know! and who should know me better than me? no one! i know! it's a wholeass shitshow in my head sometimes. sometimes i feel like crawling out of my own skin. i've known for a long time that i'm not entirely comfortable within my own body, and my hips/thighs and boobs especially are a weird area for me. sometimes i'm like Wouldn't it be wonderful to just magically wake up with a more "masc" body. i know it's a minor thing but i got my hair cut short (again) recently and when i look at myself in the mirror (esp when i'm wearing a sports bra and a looser-fitting shirt) i get such a thrill. every time my online friends (who - btw - are so good at reading my confusing cues, like wtf you guys, you're legitimately the best) say shit like "dude", and "you're a lovely guy", and "you're a pretty boy" when i'm shamefullylessly fishing for compliments, i feel like i'm being stabbed in the chest if being stabbed in the chest was the best feeling ever. and i kinda wish i could feel like that all the time. but i'm scared. that's what it all boils down to in the end, isn't it. i'm 32 and i'm scared and i don't even know how to talk about this to myself, let alone to other people. oh and don't even get me started about the prospect of dating and the sheer overwhelming sense of terror having to either 1) explain someone else the weird, convoluted feelings that i have (and being fucking terrified of what they're going to think) or 2) bottling it up inside and trying to put up with language i'm not comfortable with being used about me. even without all this i'm pretty certain i won't ever meet someone who would be right for me, and this isn't helping. my other language (the one i'm using most offline) is also stupidly, unnecessarily gendered so that sucks too. i shudder at the prospect of being called someone's girlfriend. i'm terrified of having to explain someone else that i'd like to be called their boyfriend but i'm not transitioning and i haven't told anyone irl about all this because I DON'T EVEN KNOW HOW TO EXPLAIN IT. sometimes i feel like i'm drowning in it. ugh.

#personal #gender thought #tw gender dysphoria #feel free to ignore i'm just trying to sort through my thoughts and having zero luck

[lovehotelreservation]

Formulaic

Summary: There was a process to every solution.

And while Cid was aware of one particular solution he so dearly wished to attain, the process was simply too formidable to even attempt:

To confess his feelings to Maria, the Warrior of Light.

Rating: NC-17

Pairing: WoL!OC/Cid

EVERY TIME I SEE CID I GET WHIPLASH THAT HE’S ONLY 34 HEWWO ??? MANS LOOKS LIKE HE’S GOT WERTHER’S ORIGINAL KISSES NOT LA CROIX MAKEOUT SESSIONS!!!

ANYWAY HFLKAFHAKL THANK YOU TO MY DEAREST COMMISSIONER FOR THIS OPPORTUNITY--ESP SINCE I PROGRESSED FURTHER ON THE OMEGA SERIES BECAUSE OF THIS!!!

---------------- Cid regretted ever fixing that damn kettle.

While doing so finally got the whinging pursed lips of Nero to finally hush up so he could hone his focus upon Garlond Ironworks’ current endeavor of seeking out Omega, the repair of the Mark XIV Thermocoil Boilmaster only served to give his lifelong rival all the opportunity to cozy up to the very person that Cid wanted him to stay the furthest away from.

Or attempt to at least.

A personality utterly kind and demure, eyes grey like rain clouds on a cozy morning, soft and silken locks of gold that cascaded to the middle of her back, a mind so brilliant and witty.

Eorzea’s Warrior of Light, but his own precious weakness.

She was Maria and oh how his heart yearned for her.

All while his eyes bore holes into the ground beneath which Nero stood every time he approached her with a mischievous glint in his eyes and an arrogant smirk on his face.

While Cid was more than overjoyed to see Maria fix herself a cup of tea during the lulls between endeavors in the Datascape, whenever she went to pour herself a drink, Nero was sure to be trailing after her, going on about superior blends in Garlemald and how he was more than ready to show her the breadth of his refined palate.

His intentions were clear.

And though Cid was ever prepared to step in as need be to keep Nero from pestering her further, the crux of the underlying issue in face of all this remained present in place:

His own feelings for Maria.

If the situation called for it, he could easily give a fully articulated lecture on the Allagans while inebriated to the point he was face planted on the floor in a drunken and naked slump right in the middle of Sapphire Avenue during peak Starlight shopping season.

But to confess how he genuinely felt about the woman who captivated him so dearly, who inspired him to go beyond any boundary?

The thought of risking the friendship that he treasured with her like nothing else was enough to push him to drink.

After all, with how often that the world relied on her strength to help defend it, he was protective of her--even lamenting that time he jokingly declared his need for her mainly due to her usefulness while he was guiding her through the tumultuous depths of The Praetorium.

Yet with the aftermath of that infamous night in Ul’dah and her subsequent escape to Ishgard, it was then that he began to realize that his fondness for her went beyond mere allies, mere friends.

This was made apparent the moment they were properly reunited after her far too close encounter with the Vundu at the Sea of Clouds, having successfully escaped pursuit by the Bismarck.

What with the way he could not hold himself back from taking her into his arms, hugging her close as all tension within his body was swiftly relieved as he took her in.

Her presence, her scent, her adorably surprised stammers as he embraced her right in front of Hauchefant and Emmanellain.

Along with Wedge and Biggs, with the former letting out a startled “Chief--!” while the other released the hearty chuckle of “Aye boss, demonstration of affection’s handled a whole lot differently in Ishgard, you know!”

For all his intentions to never let her go from the moment he feared the worst upon her disappearance, he was ever quick to relinquish her, a faint dust of pink spreading across his cheeks.

Cid was thankful that she didn’t seem to catch onto Biggs’s cheeky remark, looking so gorgeously flustered more so from his sudden embrace, despite her attempts to look composed in light of their reunion.

And it was from then on that he happily took his place within her journey, whether physically together during their attempts to thwart the return of Alexander, or when they were apart and remained joined together by way of letter or linkpearl.

To hear her say or see his name in her handwriting was a joy that could not ever be replicated by anything else.

As a pursuer of knowledge, he had to abide by what was factual.

There was no denying of his longing for Maria.

Not while he had Biggs, Wedge, and Jessie chiming in to ask if he had been talking to her whenever they handed her letters to him with knowing smiles on their faces.

And now, with Maria dedicating her time and effort to assist him and the rest of Garlond Ironworks with Omega’s ongoing trials, he could feel his heart welling with his increasingly overwhelming desire to express how he felt.

It was just only more irritating that Nero had stoked the flames by his pompous ways, of which left plenty on Cid’s mind, especially with the completion of the first gambit of battles under Omega’s watch and the return to Rhalgr’s Reach for some needed rest and recuperation.

Though, relaxation was in the furthest corner of his mind, whether by the mystery of Omega’s intentions or his current predicament of his feelings towards Maria.

With the hour late, rather than try to force himself back to sleep within the sleeping quarters set aside for Garlond Ironworks, he thought a walk around the now quiet compound would serve him better instead.

A change between sleeping clothes to a light shirt and a pair of pants--more suitable for the arid Ala Mhigan weather.

There was a small grin on his face as he emerged from the sleeping area.

Already he could hear Maria’s voice of exasperated curiosity with the inquiry of “How are you not evaporating?” whenever she saw his usual day to day attire.

Yet the voice that was in his head was heard by his very ears as he entered the common area that led out to the rest of Western Rhalgr’s Reach.

“Cid?”

Seated at one of the communal tables was none other than Maria, her expression curious and mug in her hands steaming, all while the Mark XIV Thermocoil Boilmaster presided by her on the tabletop.

The gods may toy but sometimes their mischief was simply too much.

His heart aflutter and his grin widening, Cid approached where Maria was sitting. “Well now, someone’s up late.”

The corners of her mouth quirked into a small smile as she proceeded to take a sip. “I see it as being up early.”

But though her tone was jovial and her expression relaxed, there was a distant look in her eye that signified a preoccupation.

He knew that look.

“I see--though, a warrior like yourself ought to get her rest, no?” Pulling out the chair beside her, he proceeded to take a seat, all while his grey eyes gazed towards her with concern. “Tell me, what keeps you up on this good night, Maria?”

While it was often joked that Cid was married to the pursuit of knowledge, he liked to think that his devotion to his studies made him especially perceptive of properly assessing emotion.

For surely, who else happily devoted one’s efforts to knowing so much of Maria such as he?

It was then that she set her mug down on the table.

Just before she turned towards him, her lips forming into a pout.

A pout he so dearly wished to kiss.

Huffing, she remarked as her arms folded over her chest, “Are we speaking about the general burden of being the go-to person for everyone’s dilemma, or that Nero is getting under my skin again? Take your pick.”

No words in modern and/or Allagan vernacular could fully describe the relief that washed over Cid’s body.

Still, always wishing for her to be at peace, he responded in turn with a sympathetic grin as he chuckled, “Ahh, one of those pesky reasons to stay up. What has our comrade in reluctant arms done this time?”

Maria turned her attention towards her mug on the table.

Her favorite one of the Garlond Ironworks’s collection, which Cid always made sure to have on hand whenever she was working alongside them.

Though many thoughts were swirling in her mind at this very moment--especially with Cid sitting right beside at an otherwise romantic hour--she continued as disdain intertwined itself with each word she spoke, “Earlier, Nero insisted that I try his cup of tea, and right when I did, he started gloating about an indirect kiss.”

If the thought of Maria’s voice energized his soul to go on a walk at such a late time, the mere utterance of Nero thinking himself to be so charming he could think to flirt in such a way made the inklings of a migraine begin to form within Cid’s head.

With her body visibly cringing at the recollection, the late hour had her lamenting out loud, “Is every brilliant mind from Galemand as big of a pompous know-it-all like him?”

“Well I like to think of myself as a humble servant to the majesty of study,” Cid teased with a shrug.

Setting her cheek against her palm while her elbow set upon the table, she remarked with a shake of her head, “You’re the exception.”

Cid had to wonder if he just gulped down a mug of tea himself with the rush of heat that suddenly surged through his chest. He let out another laugh, richer, deeper. “I take it that you’re not as keen to receive Nero’s odd attempts at courting?”

Maria’s eyes closed as she groaned at the thought, “I’d rather kiss the floor of the Gold Saucer during the summer season.”

“Then, would you prefer a kiss from elsewhere…?”

And then her eyelids fluttered open.

The lightheartedness in Cid’s tone had subsided into one of sincerity, as matched by the look in his eyes while he peered directly towards her.

Though unsure of how to feel or proceed, everything within her body encouraged her to step forward towards what she had yearned for so long.

And so, ever shyly but with her eyes gazing right into his, she murmured, “...If it must come from elsewhere, it can only come from one person.”

His breath caught in his throat. “‘One person…?’”

Her face grew warm from embarrassment. “I think you can figure it out, humble servant to the majesty of study.

Cid couldn’t resist from gasping with delight. “Gods Maria--”

His hands swiftly cupped her cheeks and their mouths met for a long awaited kiss, the warmth of the tea on her lips making them both melt further into their connection.

Her arms wrapped around his neck, bringing the two of them closer. 

It was yearning now fulfilled, a flood of long withheld affection bursting forth, a craving for one another looking to be satisfied, to be changed from midnight fantasy to joyful fruition.

Kisses once shy and careful turned earnest and heated, tongues stumbling against one another as hands groped with need.

Were it not knowing her penchant for reservation, he would have ravaged her right then and there at the commons table.

Instead, he opted to lift her up into a carry, her arms and legs hugging around his shoulders and waist as he hurriedly brought her back to his quarters, his walk and her tea forgotten.

Surely, this had to be a dream in some way, no?

But as her back fell upon his mattress, as their hands continued to undress and feel each other as physical confirmation that what was occurring was very much real, the joys of the present couldn’t have been more sweet.

And how Cid savored her moans like that of an addictive confection.

Even without trying to be mindful of others at this late hour, Maria stifled her moans out of shyness, all while her back arched into warmth of Cid’s lips as they kissed over her dribbling core, the bristles of his facial hair scratching against her quivering as he eagerly lapped his tongue along her slit with long and indulgent strokes.

Though, she couldn’t quite be as quiet when she was eventually seated on his lap, her face buried into his shoulder as she rode his cock, all while one of his big sturdy hands held onto her hip while the other fondled her ass, guiding her up and down the length of his thick dick at a brisk pace.

This provided an ample opportunity to plant his lips along the crook of her neck, gentle suckles leaving red marks in their wake.

While he knew that Maria would do everything in her power to understandably cover up, the thought of Nero thinking twice to pursue her while seeing the marks on her neck was satisfying.

But nowhere near as satisfying as feeling the muffled whimpers of his name from her lips against his skin, the hot and slippery confines of her slick walls squeezing around his cock, up until they reached their orgasms with her core clamping onto his dick and his seed flooding inside her in a lascivious, scorching burst.

Much like as they began, they ended with their lips on one another’s yet again as they fell back onto his mattress, joined together now by their arms embracing one another, fingers intertwining, his lips against her temple, her head nestling upon the sturdiness of his chest.

Though they would have much to fully confide and earnestly convey once their bodies were properly rested, both Cid and Maria were relieved, their hearts feeling warm.

Far warmer than any brewed cup of tea.

#Cid Garlond #wol x cid #wol x npc #Final Fantasy XIV #FFXIV #Fic #super freaknasty writing

[spidersbane]

Hello! Can I get MCU, The Hobbit, and The Man From U.N.C.L.E. ship? 💚

Appearance: She/her. 179,5cm tall, rectangle body shape. Fair skin complexion with quite a few birthmarks. Dyed brown with honey-red highlights, shoulder-length, straight hair with bangs. The left eye is a mix of two colors – a smaller portion of (darker) greyish-blue and a larger portion of hazel; while the right eye is just a (lighter) greyish-blue. Heptagon face shape with two dimples on the left cheek and one on the right cheek (only visible while smiling). A gap between the upper front teeth.

Personality (good and bad traits): Ever since I was a kid, I was always quite mature for my age – I identify myself as an old soul. I come off as polite and well-mannered to strangers, yet I tend to keep it to myself by being reserved. But, that’s because I have social anxiety and I’m nervous and shy when meeting/talking to people. The only people I’m comfortable with being with my inner circle – closest friends and family. I am usually more “open” with my friends than with my family. With my friends I can be my “truest-self” – I smile more, I laugh more, I feel more accepted and understood. I am the mom and the fashionista of the group. Don’t get me wrong, I am fiercely protective of my family, especially of my mother and younger sister. But, lately, I’ve been feeling like the “black sheep” of the family, Cinderella who’s been taken advantage of. I express my affection for the people I care about in little, but practical, ways. I can be a little stiff when it comes to open, gushy displays of affection. Others turn to me for help and advice. I’m kind-hearted and generous, always ready to help a person in need. Always have been motherly towards children. Very awkward at keeping small talk (usually with people that I’m not that close with). Absolutely, hate speaking in front of a public, and if I do, because of my nervousness, I tend to mess up my words and/or I practice whatever I’m about to say in my head at first. I appreciate the simplicity and am often most comfortable when I’m not getting too much attention from the world. I am sensitive – both to criticism and to others’ feelings (I sponge up the feelings and moods of people and the environment around me). Have a hard time saying no or expressing my true thoughts, feelings. I get influenced by other people’s opinions/thoughts quite hard (I take everything to the heart), that is why I tend to keep a lot to myself (may come off as a little bit tense, secretive, mysterious). I avoid the harsh reality by daydreaming (almost every day) – imagining myself in situations far from my current circumstances. Sort of like a self-escape. I worry a lot and overthink almost everything. I am easily distracted and my attention span can be quite short. I have an internal struggle between my needs and wants. I can lack focus and be indecisive as a result – when I decide on one route, I am pulled in another direction at the same time (“But what if…”, “on the other hand...”). That is why I’m having a bit of a struggle with deciding what I want to do in the future (career-wise). I am easily overwhelmed by pressure and stress. There is a self-destructive side to me (self-critical, lack of self-confidence) that I’m working on by confronting my fears (coming out of my shell). Don’t like taking pictures, or other people taking pictures of me. I feel most content when I’ve straightened out all the details of everyday life. I have a routine, that I follow by mostly every day, and if something small changes in that routine, I start to have a small internal anxiety attack. Also, I like to do things my own way, like, when it comes to cleaning the house or organizing stuff, etc. I get triggered even if people don’t do the laundry the way I do. I guess you could describe me as a perfectionist, clean/control freak. In triggering situations I can be impulsive, spontaneous, quick to act. Quick flare-ups of anger/annoyance when being provoked on my patience. Even when I’m feeling low, I manage to find humor in life and have fun with whatever I do have. Although I tend to bottle things up, I am an emotional person and my emotions are genuine – I love and care deeply and passionately and wish no ill will upon anyone, yet it hards for me to imagine someone falling in love with me or just liking me.

Hobbies, likes: My hobbies are cleaning, writing (re-writing song lyrics, making small notes, writing stories), listening to any type of music, catching up on my favorite films and TV shows, hanging out with friends, going to the cinema, or the club, being out in nature, reading, traveling. I like history, cooking, fashion magazines (or fashion in general), road trips, spirituality, mythology, books, orange juice, previous decades, cottage-core, dark academia.

Overall: Hufflepuff. INFP-T. Bi-sexual. Pisces-Aries cusp sign. “Looks like could kill you, but is actually a cinnamon roll.” A feminist, support LGBTQ+ community. That’s it, thank you!

hey @pataim ! thanks so much for sending in your request, and thank you so much for your honesty about yourself. like it takes a lot to air yourself out like that, and I admire your strength for it. but also fINALLY a 'Man from U.N.C.L.E' ship! I love that movie and attempt Illya's accent all the time, so this will be fun :)

For the MCU/Marvel - I ship you with Steve Rogers/Captain America ! 

no one can tell me that Steve doesn’t have a set routine honestly, so let me just get that out there 

he seems intimidating at first, esp as a public figure and Avenger, but Steve is nothing but passionate about what he does. so it may clash w your lack of direction, but I could honestly see him envying that a lil bit, like it’s not that you don’t have direction, it’s the fact that you still have a choice in the matter. 

your love of history put you in a museum, here you bumped into Steve in a horrible disguise. he struck up the conversation first, and once you got past the whole “holy crap that’s Captain America”, you could actually engage with him in the material and boi was he smitten 

he would love to join you when your rewatched your fave things, bc not only is he catching up on more media he missed out on, he’s also getting to know your interests in a way that’s comfortable with you. it avoids all the small talk, but leaves room for discussion after the film/show ! 

since you tend to sponge up a lot of what other people believe, it’s totally Steve who actually tries to question what you think and what you feel about things. he’s someone who encourages you to have your own opinions and to stay true to those thoughts. so while with him, you can rely on him to learn about yourself, you also gain skills for independence

overall, Steve is super patient, and despite his chaotic job as Cap, he takes comfort in his routine, and would find comfort incorporating a partner’s routine into his life. and as you grow in a relationship with him, he’s patient about teaching you how to be your own person, and helping you learn more about yourself. and while it’s uncomfortable, you grow stronger throughout being with him :) 

For The Hobbit - I ship you with Bilbo Baggins !

Bilbo is the definition of introvert, and you're right there with him

not that introversion is ever a bad thing, bc it isn't. but Bilbo is quite content to sit in his little hobbit hole and vibe. like Gandalf had to come find him, ya know. dude disappeared from his own bday.

but anyways. it's not that Bilbo lacks purpose, it's just that he's more content with a quieter life. and it seems like his quiet life would balance you out well! like the Shire is so so chill, and there doesn't really seem to be a lot of pressure on the hobbits to pick a profession. like they just genuinely do what needs to get done.

similarly, Bilbo is the type who seems a little bothered by mushy displays of affection. exhibit a: disappearing from his own bday. like he's much more the type to refill your tea when y'all are reading by the fireplace, which he would totally do w you

it will probs take you a little while to warm up to each, given just how introverted you both are. but when he explains that he has set ways of doing things, then if they're compatible w your ways of doing things, then it doesn't take you long to open up to him

like it'll be a little jarring, but he takes comfort in his routines too. and it'll be an event trying to incorporate both of your ways of life together, but he's willing to do it

overall, yours is a very quaint partnership, built on deep respect for one another. neither of you are going to push the other to do things you aren't into. and y'all just live your best lives together tbh :)

For The Man From U.N.C.L.E - I ship you with Illya Kuryakin !

I love my big Russian spy so much, so this is fun for me

so Illya is the epitome of reserved and generally quiet, so it might take a while to really break down his walls and talk to him. and he's not quite sure what to do with you once you join the team

but, he's playing his game of chess alone, and when you sit down and ask to play with him, he opens up a little more after that

if you're one who get sent out on mission with the team, get ready, bc sometimes those missions require a lot of improvising. but you'd probably be at whatever 'base' was, helping run operations from a more secure place. but Illya and Napoleon improvise a lot, leading to a lot of headaches for you and Waverly

Illya has small bursts of anger, but similar to Gaby, most times, you can intervene and he doesn't get violent. or when he does, he tries to make sure it isn't in front of you. but bc you care so deeply for him, you're there for him in the aftermath. and that's how you show your love for him.

by patching him up if he gets cut, by talking him down when he's angry. and just generally trying to take care of him. and he totally does the same for you, especially if you get sent out into the field

and much to Illya's dismay, Solo doesn't refrain form making jokes about you. but if you can take them in stride, then Solo welcomes you into the team just as well :)

#steve rogers #steve rogers ship #steve rogers x reader #captain america #captain america ship #illya kuryakin ship #illya kuryakin #illya kuryakin x reader #bilbo baggins #bilbo baggins x reader #bilbo baggins ship #mcu #marvel #marvel ships #marvel ship requests #the hobbit #the hobbit ship #the hobbit ship requests #the man from uncle #the man from uncle ship #the man from uncle ship request #x reader requests #ship requests #writing #writers of tumblr

[mimzy-writing-online]

Hi! I wanted to run an idea by you if that’s okay, since I’m not sure if it’s chill. This may be kind of silly, but it’s basically a fan work of the cartoon generator Rex, and although I don’t plan on posting it anywhere, I’d rather not end up having any ableist tropes. It’s a futuristic ish world where an explosion caused a bunch of tiny little robots to be spread all over the earth- small enough to alter dna at the molecular level. My idea is that a scientist got photic retinopathy during the initial explosion, and the nano robot things bonded to him. He can somewhat see silhouettes of things by concentration of the robots, since the nanites can ‘sense’ each other. However, he can’t see fine details, has trouble with depth, texture, and I’m not entirely sure about color. Different things have different concentrations- some may not have enough to even be visible at all, and he can’t control how sensitive his sense of the concentrations is- he can’t ‘focus’ on seeing large or small amounts. It’s fixed. Since nanites bond to living things, there wouldn’t be a large concentration on say- a wall, or a desk. Things with a very large concentration of nanites would be so ‘bright’ they’d feel overwhelming. I’d say painful, but moreso in the way sensory overload is? It’s not causing physical pain so much as being Too Much. I also had a thought of an assistive device, based on recognition software. Basically a camera would take footage of what’s in front of him, everything would be crunched into numbers, and it would tell him the closest matches for the objects in the image. Instead of just telling verbally, it would be transmitted directly to him. It’s not that he sees or imagines the image, but has the basic description of what the computer thinks it is. Of course, object recognition isn’t perfect because it’s just an algorithm. The goal would to be to make things easier in the event he wants to know what things look like without having someone tell him. For familiar or more accessible surroundings, there’d be no reason to use it. (Im really thinking this future won’t be perfect, esp since it has some tones of government dystopia, but there will have been progress in the years passed.) I think there’s some similar technology already out there, but since this is in the future I think it would be more streamlined and a stand alone device rather than an add on to a smartphone. I’ve still got more research to do on his specific condition, but I was wondering what you thought abt the general idea.

Okay so there's a lot to cover here, but overall I like your ideas a lot.

-The vision this scientist has is relatively similar to some existing conditions. My tired brain can't name one off the top of my head, but there are people out there who only see light and shadow and movement. I myself am unlikely to distinguish still objects from moving objects when my vision is being particularly bad.

-Honestly would not be surprised if the next few hundred years there emerged some brand new eye diseases or injury types that lead to blindness. Did this explosion cause other characters to develop a disability or for their disability to function a little differently?

-Your ideas about new technologies are also really cool. The camera thing being able to identify objects is pretty close to some technology we already have for the blind. I think Samsung has a feature with its camera/voiceover that tells you what the camera is looking at. I've seen it pop up in Molly Burke's videos. And there is a new cane in development that uses sonar to detect nearby objects and beeps in response to how close you are to something. It can also connect to your phone and give you updates on GPS. There's also an app that uses Google maps and 8d audio w/ headphones to alert you to objects of interest (street corners, shops you're passing by) as you walk around.

Overall I like your ideas.

#blind character #writeblr #writing

[tardytothepardy]

Ok so my mind is still lingering on Gakuen Alice after finishing it a few days ago, mostly with how unhappy I was about the end (yadda yadda, I've talked about it already), and while my brain has been stewing on what I'd prefer more, one thing keeps coming up (and I'm not really sure why): I really wanted Natsume to cry at some point in the series.

I have no fecking idea why. Maybe it's because most of the other characters (the kids, anyway) cried at some point, even Hotaru! But not Natsume, I guess he's just too good for crying or something.

Anyway, since my mind kept circling back to that point, I started wondering when he would be doing the Cry, and if it would even make sense. When the other characters cry, it's usually because something big, stressful, and/or overwhelming is happening, something that seems to be quickly spiraling out of their control (or y'know they're just sad), but we've seen throughout the series that Natsume's reaction to those same situations is to be angry. He's yelling, throwing fire all over the place, and constantly putting himself in the main line of conflict. Not really much time for crying during that. So, I've been trying to figure when he'd do the Cry, and this idea came from reading the finale (whoa I tied it all together).

There was one scene in the finale when Natsume is talking to Mikan about when he woke up in the nurse's office, and found out that she was gone, and it showed little blips of when that happened, and I think that could be a good point when the Cry would happen.

See, he'd wake up, and one of the first things he asks about (bc I'm imagining Ruka at the very least would be at his side, waiting. Screw school, his friend nearly died) is where Mikan was. Ruka would then have to break the news: she lost her Alice, had to get her memories of Alice Academy removed, and sent back home. Is that when Natsume does the Cry? No. That's when he's angry. He doesn't understand, what the fuck? What even happened? There has to be a misunderstanding or something. Nope.

The nurse or doctor or whatever sees that he's awake, they see that he's fine, they send him off, and basically he's just kinda fuming and in shock (and honestly I imagine he'd like to know if he burned the ESP to a crisp but unfortunately he didn't 😔). Cut to night time, everyone's gone to sleep, lights out. This is when he has nothing to do but think, and that's when the Cry comes in. He knows that there's not really anything he can do about the situation, if he wants to see Mikan. To get out of the school to see her, he'd have to wait a couple more years to graduate, or he'd have to break out of the school and somehow not get caught and pulled back in. Let's say he does manage to escape, what then? Does he even know where she lives? (Maybe, I wouldn't be surprised if Mikan talked about where she lived or something) The main thing is that she wouldn't recognize him. There might be some kind of weird deja vu-esque feeling on her end, but she wouldn't know him. So in this situation, he's helpless. He can't do anything. And I think that specific moment of realization is where the Cry would happen.

I'm not talking about some kind of big loud Cry, just a "pull the covers over your head and fall asleep crying" kinda Cry.

The more I think about it, realistically (as realistic as a fictional character can be), he'd probably just start to figure out how he can get out of school quickest, try to skip grades (which he and Ruka did apparently do according to the finale), whatever it took. But my thing with the crying is that everyone has a breaking point, and I just would really like it if he slammed into his breaking point. Because, despite all the shit he's had to deal with in his life, he's still a kid. A 12 year old kid, I think, at that point of the story. You're expecting me to believe that he has all that shit under wraps? Nah. He'd know that getting angry wouldn't get him anywhere, it'd be a waste of energy, but what other option does he have to release all this pent up emotion? The Cry.

Part of me thinks it's pretty weird to be fixating so much on some fictional angry child crying, but idk. Mikan cried, Ruka cried, Hotaru cried, Sumire cried, I cried, it's his turn. In general, I kinda feel that the scene of him waking up in the nurse's office after being brought back to the present by Nodacchi should have had more of a focus-- imagine the angstttt. It'd be palpable. I was already crying while reading Hotaru and Subaru sacrifice themselves to the time void so that Natsume could be with Mikan again, I was crying when Mikan had to leave the Academy, if there had been more depth into a scene like that, I'm very confident I would continue to cry. If nothing else I'd be screaming.

Also, wouldn't a heart breaking scene be better than him just grabbing Mikan's boobs? (I just hate that scene with a passion don't mind me 😬) I think so. I'm always down for two things: fluff or angst. Probably not both at the same time. Actually y'know I take that back I can see fluff and angst working well together, and I'd be making weird wispy screeching noises to myself in my room, it'd be great.

#whoa this has been sitting in my drafts for a few weeks #i suppose i'll send it out into the world #i don't remember exactly when i wrote this but it was around May 13th bc that's when i finished the series #but yeah i'll just post it now to empty out my drafts don't mind meeee #gakuen alice #mikan sakura #natsume hyuuga #hotaru imai #ruka nogi #sumire shouda #for some reason i seem to have a Thing about wanting various fictional characters to absolutely break down #give me that emotional devastation pls

[thelastspeecher]

Hi! So like five months ago I sent you an ask about applying to grad school and you gave me a super amazing answer. And I'm back now because holy shit I got into grad school (CalArts for Creative Writing) and in the last one you said there was a whole 'nothing list of tips if you actually get into grad school? And I got in and I'm curious what the tips are? If there's anything you've learned in the last few months that changed your perspective on grad school? Thank you so much!

First off, congrats!  That’s a big accomplishment!  Grad schools in general are competitive, and big names like CalArts even more so.

So, you want my advice, eh?  Okay.  Let’s do this.

First step is getting organized.  You start in the fall (I’m assuming), so you have plenty of time.  Find out where important locations are on campus, familiarize yourself with the area you’ll be spending most of your time in (I’d focus on figuring out where the closest bathrooms and places to get food are, personally), and invest in a planner.  Keep that planner handy.  Use it.  It’s easier to stay organized if you start the semester that way than it is to try to organize yourself halfway through the semester.  Make a monthly budget.  Decide “I will spend X amount on groceries every time I go shopping”.  Keep track of the money in your bank account (a lot of banks have mobile apps that make this very easy).  Put some of your paycheck into a savings account every time.  You never know when you might need a nest egg.  Stay up to date on your medical needs (prescriptions, flu shots [for the love of god, get a flu shot], dentist appointments, yearly physicals).  You can definitely find resources at your school to help you with some of these tasks.  There is no doubt in my mind that you will be able to find a workshop on keeping a budget or other adult skills.  Attend workshops for new grad students.

Second, look into different support systems for students.  That means student-led organizations, departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws, and general resources.  Get a support system set up right away, particularly if you are going to be far from family.

Student-led organizations will be able to help you adjust and provide you a sense of community (particularly if you belong to a minority community).  Other grad students will be able to offer advice faculty or staff might not be able to.  Don’t isolate yourself!  That’s what I’ve been doing and it sucks!  The only reason I haven’t driven myself completely insane is because I have a roommate who happens to be my best friend.  If I could start over, I wouldn’t do what I did and avoid everyone because I was intimidated.  I would stroll into rooms with purpose and confidence that I am the baddest b*tch there.  Confidence gets you far in life, particularly in grad school.

“Departments that exist to keep the university complying with federal non-discrimination laws” is a very wordy way of saying the Title IX office, disability services, offices for students of color (schools typically have different offices for different racial minorities; find out which one is best suited for you), the LGBT resource center, and the like.  If you are part of a demographic minority, find out where you can locate help immediately.  If something goes wrong related to your status as a minority, you need to nip it in the bud RIGHT AWAY.

General resources are things like mental health services, university health services, survivor services, etc etc.  If you have any history of mental health issues or have been in therapy at any point in your life, I recommend jumping into counseling immediately, even if you feel like you don’t need it.  Just talking to a neutral party will help you more than you think.  Most schools offer free counseling for students, too.  If they don’t, then that’s really fucking weird, but they should be able to help you figure out a method for you to adjust smoothly without it being too much of a drain on your wallet.

Third, learn from my mistakes.  Good lord, learn from my mistakes.  I had a disastrous first semester at grad school.  I was overwhelmed, completely out of my depth, and the one thing I thought I was doing right I discovered I was actually completely fucking up.  I entered my second semester on academic probation and probation as a TA.  How do you learn from my mistakes?  A few ways.

The first time you TA (most grad students TA at some point), insist on someone observing you.  The department should automatically observe all TAs, particularly new ones, but it’s possible to slip through the cracks.  That happened to me.  The head TA was too busy to observe TAs my first semester, and I didn’t find out that I was a shitty TA until I was in a meeting with department and university head honchos, who were effectively accusing me of hating my students and hating being a TA and sucking in general.  That’s paraphrasing, and definitely not completely accurate, but that’s how the meeting felt to me.  I got by only because I explained to them “I am autistic, I struggle with new social situations”.  The extenuating circumstances in my situation allowed me to try to TA again, but this time with some accommodations and outside assistance.

Related: If you are disabled, disclose it to the department.  Disclose it to the higher-ups and the professor who will act as your advisor.  You don’t need to disclose it to anyone else, but I cannot emphasize enough how important it is to tell the people you will be working for.  Even if you have amazing coping skills, disclose it.  I’m damn good at pretending to be abled.  But my disabilities still bit me in the ass.  New situations and stress have a tendency of exacerbating symptoms.  You can’t expect everything to go smoothly.  And you can’t expect the department to hold your hand or even recognize what’s going on with you.  I’m the first diagnosed autistic grad student my department has ever had.  They had no clue how to handle that.  You’ll be going into a field that tends to be a bit more liberal than STEM (like my area of study), so you might not run into the issue of “uh we don’t know how to help you, please talk to some people at the office of equity”, but it’s best to find out sooner rather than later.

Related: If you are disabled, get your ass down to the disability services office and get accommodations.  Immediately.  Start the process over the summer.  Larger schools might have a more complicated process to get accommodations than smaller schools, so you need to get the ball rolling right away.  Even if you haven’t felt like you needed accommodations recently, get the ones you had in the past.  Don’t assume you’ll be fine without extra help.

Don’t take too many classes your first semester.  And make sure the ones you do take aren’t all super difficult.  I fucked up my first semester, bc I took three upper-level classes, two of them in chemistry.  Yeah, three doesn’t sound like much.  But when you’re juggling adjusting to grad school, starting up your thesis, and being a TA, three classes is a huge fucking amount of work.  I’d recommend two classes, maybe one of them difficult, the other one sort of medium difficulty.  Of course, you have to talk to your advisor for what works best for you, but I highly HIGHLY recommend starting off with a light class load your first semester.

When things start going south, bc they probably will at some point, don’t just keep your head down and try to force yourself through it.  Talk to the family members you are closest to (I’m very close with my parents, so I talk to them when I’m having issues, but it could be a sibling or an aunt or uncle or cousin).  Talk to friends.  Talk to a counselor (PLEASE get a counselor your first semester).  Talk to your advisor.  Talk to the other grad students in your department.  You should be able to find at least one shoulder to cry on, if not a whole bunch.

I said this before, but don’t isolate yourself.  Please don’t.  It’s easy to avoid people when you’re stressed.  Don’t do that.  Reach out to other grad students in your department.  Make friends.  Go with them to coffee shops.  I wouldn’t recommend starting out by going to bars, bc that can be a slippery slope, and you shouldn’t have friends who only have fun while they’re drinking (that’s not a healthy behavior).   My grad school has a really nasty drinking culture that contributed to my avoidance of other grad students, but hopefully yours doesn’t.  And even if it does, you should be able to find someone who won’t want to always go to the bar.

Fourth, be confident.  I said that before, but like the “don’t isolate” thing, it’s important.  I’ve always been a confident person.  I took a huge blow to my confidence when I started grad school, bc I felt like I was surrounded by people with more experience (which is an objective fact, but doesn’t always have to be a bad thing) and more knowledge and more accomplishments and who had their lives together.  I was intimidated, for one of the first times in my life!  I’ve always been a top-tier person, cream of the crop, A+ honors student, go-getter, award-winner.  But in grad school, literally everyone else is that, too.  And that’s not a bad thing!  Sure, some people might be braggy, but other people will be more humble.  Having all this experience in one location is good, bc it means you have more help.  You have people you can talk to who have connections, who have run into problems you might run into, who can offer a unique perspective on things.  That is SO GOOD.  And if you’re still intimidated, think of it like this: You got there, too.  You’re just as good as the other grad students, otherwise you wouldn’t be there.  You have just as much potential, even if you don’t have as much life experience.  You have something unique to offer to the school.  If you didn’t, you wouldn’t have been accepted.  And it’s not like everyone else actually has it together.  Some people might, but most of the other students will be as lost and nervous as you (esp other first year students).

Fifth, toot your own horn.  It’s related to being confident, but not quite the same.  Talk about your accomplishments.  Tell people what you’ve done.  Try not to come off too braggy, but don’t hide your light under a bushel.  You have to promote yourself if you want to get anywhere.  You’ve already succeeded at it once, since you got into grad school.  Keep it up!  Oh, and don’t be afraid to toot your own horn when someone else is making you feel intimidated.  I was at a thing where one guy kept going on and on about how he’d been to this country, and that country, and tried this wine and that food and yadda yadda yadda.  I got sick of it, so I cocked my head and stopped him in his tracks by asking him if he’d ever been to Kosovo.  He hadn’t.  He’d been to a million places, but there was one that I had him beaten on.  That was a huge confidence booster.  You have your unique experiences.  Share them.  And don’t be afraid to use them to stop a braggart from controlling a conversation.

Sixth, stay healthy.  Mentally and physically.  Walk most places (that’s how I get my exercise), bike, do yoga, jog, whatever.  Get some exercise.  Eat well.  Make your own meals, keep track of whether you’ve had a vegetable today.  See a counselor, vent to friends, write in a journal.  Most schools offer wellness workshops where students can learn how to keep themselves healthy.  Look into that, particularly if you struggle to eat well or keep stress down.

Seventh, take a short break if you need to.  Grad school culture is intense.  People work way too long for way too little recognition.  Stress kills.  Burn out can make you question your path.  Say no to a third side project your advisor wants you to do.  Take a day off, or an afternoon.  Take a long weekend.  Make sure that things won’t fall apart while you’re gone (in my case, I would get lab work done the day before), let your advisor know you won’t be coming in today for health reasons (you can keep it vague), and then spend your day doing anything but work on your thesis.  Don’t give in to stress and burn out.  It will wreck you.

Eighth, enjoy yourself!  Grad school can be hell, but it can also be fun!  You’re here to learn and gain experience and, hopefully, not hate every second of it.  My own grad school experience has been roughly 92% hell and 8% fun, but I wasn’t prepared when I came.  I did the opposite of hit the ground running.  I tripped and skinned my knees and my face and I’m still trying to catch up with everyone else.  Being prepared, reaching out to people who can help you adjust, those things will ensure your grad school experience goes more smoothly than mine.  Just don’t expect everything to go perfectly right off the bat.  It’ll take some time before you feel like you truly can enjoy yourself.

…That ended on a weird note, but I hope it was helpful.

You’ve got this!  Best of luck!

#whew that turned out long but I knew it was going to be long #again I hope this was helpful #grad school #rant #ask #beatrice-babe

[kyunsies]

hi mädch tis 🌱 anon again :)) how are you? i'm writing this during a break between classes

LOL yeah sometimes i think mbb twt is a headache but i haven't engaged w stan twt in a while,, usually i follow translators, fansites and cc's so my experience on kpoptwt is v diff from the typical stan twt user,, drama makes my head ache and i use the mute button a LOT haha. aside from that being on twt+tumblr is p chill despite it being kinda lonely cause i don't have a lot of mbb friends irl+online (most irl kpop stan friends are arm*es haha) so i send stuff to a close friend that puts up w me :')) (+ @changkyun show us your face you cryptic)

long haired changkyun my beloved <3 but also his red hair was so so cute :( it might be my favourite "non-natural" colour on him,, but black/natural is superior. i think that hair definitely makes a difference in your appearance + ur vibes. esp w hyungwon his long hair gave him this mysterious + enigmatic vibe and when he cut it the bread cheeks were more pronounced,, soft bean

it does feel kind of good to be done w high school!! esp cause i feel like this year was especially long. i had intense courseloads at the beginning and end (so the middle was kinda chill) but i finished the ib without having to do exams so i'm forever thankful for that :'))) i have definitely felt very stressed at times during hs. and i agree!! the expectations in high school are quite unrealistic, and w the pandemic it's really easy to feel overwhelmed and burnt out all the time. it didn't help that the program i was in was pretty rigourous/intense. absolutely no time for myself unless i was procrastinating,, which i did a lot. very much looking forward to some sort of fresh start in uni though, even if i think my first year is gonna be stressful (STEM major ahah). @ the uni i chose, the first year is "designed" to weed ppl out,, if that makes sense. that being said, v much looking forward to the summer because i will FINALLY have time to do whatever i want and not have to focus on a math essay like last year T^T.

and for the ask game, let's do chungha! idk much abt her but i really liked the song she did w rich brian (88rising - these nights)

hi sweetheart 💖💖💖 sorry i’m late to this bubbie i saw it right away but i wanted to give u a well thought out response when work was done so i’m done for the day now :)

yeah seriously like i don’t mean to be a twt hater all the time but that app literally gives me the sh*ts when i go on there MFNJFF i get so anxious going on there :( i literally only follow like 20 ppl on there and honestly i might start unfollowing again HHH my twt is such a flop i just rt and bookmark things 🥲 but i also really relate to the second part babe tumblr tho it’s really chill and i love it, it does get quite lonely at times :( but i want u to know thag this place will always be a home to you and u can talk to me whenever you’d like okay !!!!!

also YES :((((( i don’t think my manifesting is working ….. really thought he was going to drop the selca today :( but !!!! i still have hope hehe i have a feeling it’s coming soon !!! 🥺 i also really liked his red hair too i think it was a really good look for him, i also adored his purple hair for fantasia era too 💖 wish he had it for longer !!! his undercut for Fantasia era was soooo pretty :( but ……. i kinda wanna see what he would look like with blonde hair again KDNKDJD i know ppl think he would look “dirty/unkept” with blonde hair but i would like to at least see it ONE MORE TIME LOLOLOL <3 i do think his black hair is absolutely superior too tho :)

i’m sure it feels so nice to be done hun !!! i’m so proud of you 🥺 high school was v tiring for me bc i pushed myself to take rigorous classes and then my sport had me out until about 7/8pm every night so it was just so hard to get my hw done at a reasonable time :( but especially with the field you’re going in stem it’s really tough … but you can do it !!!! you’ll find your grove <3 and i feel the whole weening ppl out tho, bc i’m a nursing major our uni’s policy is that if you have anything below a B (80%) in your nursing classes you get kicked out so i’m always stressed about my grades 😭 you will be fine, okay?

AND SKDJJD OKAY !!! miss chungha my queen <3

chungha

my first impression of her : diva 👀 KNDJD i wasn’t sure about her she looked really scary but my first ever song i heard was snapping and i LOVED it !!!!

what i think her best era was : either gotta go or the era with her pre-release (stay tonight + play!!)

what i love about her : she is unlike any other female soloist !!!! her dancing is u matched truly she can be dainty but her down too she’s incredible … she’s a huddled !!! the gal never rests KDJKD and her voice is absolutely stunning 🥺

#asks #🌱 anon #so so sorry this is late bubbie but i wanted to give u a nice response !!!!! i hope you’re having a good day <3

[temsology]

If this works out (which I’m praying it does) I’m going to miss dressing up everyday. It’ll prob make me wanna go out every now and then too. I remember last time even on a day off I’d wear something similar to my work clothes and my dad dead used to think that I was about to go or just came in from work. Or when my cousins would want me to go out with them I’d have the toughestttt time getting ready because I felt so ugly wearing ”real” clothes because I was alwayssss dressed in some sort of athletic/leisure wear because of work. I told my SM that I miss coaching. I really do. And ironically enough I caught a IG live tonight after work of one of my fav coaches I have on ig (who’s actually from out here) and another coach who’s trying to get teams into HBCU’s (which is amazing). I’m really so in need of something that nurtures my heart and coaching was one of those. But I have to have standards and I have to have a goal. I don’t want to start off solely coaching though. Because I do need to be retrained and developed as a coach. When I was initially trained as a coach I kind of moved quick. From having zero experience except for taking classes as a kid and dancing throughout my youth I got the job. But never coached a day in my life and it was 10+ years since I took my last class. But I managed to find myself assistant coaching pre team and team practices, having my own pre team class as well as everything else that came along with it. Anddd I was being trained as a coach by Olympic coaches, an Olympic athlete and other international former athletes/coaches. But I was so drained. It was amazing that they saw potential in me. But I didn’t know what really was the deal inside that gym until after I got the job. I went in there so clueless. It started off as I need a job for some months and this is a place I used to take classes at. Also, a few years prior I had friends who worked there and told me I should apply but I never did cause I didn’t think it was really for me. So years pass and I finally apply and I get it and I excel but bc I intially went in with a set mindset that I was only going to be there for 6-7months it got tough after that 8th month. I was out of momentum and energy. And only made it to the end of the 9th month. like a day or 2 into the 10th month. I was so sickkkk. Sooooo sickkkkk. So this time around I’m thinking I have to set a goal. It was the same with my current job. My goal was only 1 year and I just made 2 years this past week. Like after that first year I was over it, but it was bearable because of COVID and I literally only had not even a full 2 month quarantine. And with the new limitations and rules that were implemented, I got through this second year. But now things are really opening back up and I’m like nahhhhhh. Nahhh! I can’t do it. I’m not a people person. I can be around people but I don’t like excessive interaction and with this pandemic, interaction has become limited which was an absolute blessing to me. Made it easier for me to be myself. Because I don’t really like to speak or be in close proximity with others, I don’t like eating around others or others eating around me really. its just been amazing. Honestly. But Im in need of more personal interactions. Too many people for too many hours for too many days has been doing something to me that I’m getting sick of. Lol. Of course I’d love to be home or elsewhere and make money in my sleep but I’m not at that point in my life just yet. So something that I truly love to do. Literally the only job I loved. Like I loved it and felt it in my heart ohde when I used to coach. Like literally how my heart used to feel sometimes was like how in the movie the grinch‘s Heart grew. It really used to feel like that when I would coach. I feel like it had a lot to do with the fact that gymnastics was always #2 for me. I had to knock dance down another one. Cause dance was literally only because my parents couldn’t continue with gymnastics payments (they’re sooo expensive!!!) esp if I was going to start team (which was my only route cause I

was too advanced for all of the classes). So because gymnastics meant so much to me specifically cause I couldn’t continue it when I was younger and a good number of things I leaned to teach my kids I didn’t know how to do myself but I could teach them it was amazing. And just by coaching I learned sooo much and it improved and motivated my workouts and Fitness. But I didn’t go in with a committed mindset it was a “for now type of thing” to me so I failed miserably at the end of it. I have more of a direction to where I wanna go with coaching now since I have experience. I wanna choreograph floor routines. I love floor and its the closest to dance routines out of all of the events. the owner of my last gym wanted to start a dance class for me to teach so he literally turned part of the toddlers play area into a dance studio. I wasn’t ready for that though, it was too much and overwhelming and it showed and I just got sick and left. It’s like the vision was amazing but those were never my plans. And they sprung onto me so quick and everything happened soooooo fast. And I just had to pause it and get off the ride. Wrong timing cause a lot was happening during that time too that was as equally important. so I diverted my attention to something else that I believed was more important and it didn’t lead me down the wrong road, I found so much I loved too that I wouldn’t know I’d enjoy if I didn’t trust the intuition God gave me. i probably should have just left when I planned too instead of attempting to take on more than I could handle. But what’s did is done and I’m ready to try it out again. Similar story to my current employment. First experience with this company was good but went horribly south so I made the choice to walk away, lived my life, gained more experiences, came back and everything went great. And now this has become the longest job I’ve held (consecutively) because working with a program for 4 years but only during the summer breaks does not count. But now it’s like, I still want to move on farther but not this way. I feel like I need a redirection, get my life and my mind onto a new page and then go from there and see where I’m at. Yeah I want to “retire by 30” = “stop clocking in and out on someone’s time”) but logically speaking ...can I do that in the next 2.4 years? when I tell my dad that he‘s like okay I believe you can do that but also laughs and says that he thought he was going to retire at 35 and that’s when he ended up having kids and getting married and didn’t retire for another 25 years. so I tell him he basically just retired his single life. But that’s my thing... like I literally want to retire clocking in and out on somebody’s time. I’ll work with you, but I’m not working for you. But I’m tryna figure out the details. I think very far ahead and miss out on what’s in front of me. But my future has always been important to me. I never wanted to get so warped up in the present that I don’t prepare for what’s to come. it always felt like my parents didn’t prepare for me/us when they were younger. i mean, they made it work I guess but being the oldest all that was heavy and it was like I was to blame for what had unfolded bc I was the first and if it wasn’t for me they just might have walked away from each other. Idk, I just don’t want to make those mistakes. So I’ve always been stuck in the future. And it’s like no one is on the same page as me. Hell, I’m not even on that page probably. But i read books and packets backwards anyway. you learn more about the story reading it from the end first That’s how the beginning makes more sense. I am also very okay with people telling me storylines before I’ve read/watched something or seeing something from the middle on. but I’ve been asked once why I take tests from end to beginning. i Actually start at the beginning , jump to the end then fill in the middle. But it makes more sense. I told them that at the beginning you’re given an intro of what it’ll all be about. At the end its usually a summarization and The middle is a bunch of the same

questions asked in different ways. The beginning and end give you an idea of what you’re about to get into. But I say all this to say, I believe my next experience will be a life changing one and I have every intention to make sure it guides me into the direction God is aiming me towards. Stability and execution should be my focus right now. Stability and execution. Sounds good to me.

#Re reading this and seeing all of these punctual errors are so cringy #But idc #Lol #this isn’t a paper I gotta turn in #I’m not getting no grade or check for this

[the-starchariot]

Moon

Nouns / phrases: Moon, night, evening. Autumn, winter. Quiet, rest, respite. Sleep, dream. Darkness (literally and figuratively speaking); that of which we are only half-aware; the subconscious. Vague guesses, foreboding, inkling, intuition. Psyche, soul. Emotions, emotionality. Especially: fears, needs, sadness, melancholy. Emotional upheaval, trauma. Depth, profoundness, significance, importance. "Still waters run deep." For some people: attention, recognition/praise, popularity/fame, imagination, creativity, art, romance, attraction.   Activities: To spend an evening/a night with something or someone. To quieten down, rest, sleep, dream. To darken. To be only half aware; to only guess, have an inkling/foreboding/intuition. To feel something strongly; to fear, need, weep. To deepen, amplify, be immersed in something. Attributes: Moonlit, nightly, something that happens in the evening. Quiet, restful, restorative; resting. Tired, sleepy, sleeping. Dark (literally and figuratively speaking), obscure, half-aware, subconscious. Full of foreboding, intuitive. Emotional, soulful. Fearful, needy, sad, melancholic. Emotionally upset, traumatised. Deep, profound, significant, important. As a person: Person with the above attributes, esp.: someone intuitive, soulful, fearful, needy. Nocturnal person; person who is tired or asleep. Someone who appears in our dreams. A still water running deep. Someone who is traumatised. Someone who is very important to the querent. As advice: Take a nap; rest more! Listen to your intuition! It's important! Negatively: Don't get worked up emotionally!   Time factor *) : When it's quiet. After you've rested. Evening, night time; late autumn and winter.

Night, rest, intuition, emotion, depth 

About the meaning: Similar to the Stars the commonly used meanings I found for the Moon were quite diverse. A few of them seemed random to me. Some, because I didn't get their connection with the Moon as a symbol, others, because they seemed much more directly related to other Lenormand cards. But there were several dimensions of meanings which made a lot of sense to me, too. My interpretation below focuses on them. The others, I mention briefly in the last paragraph.   Moon / night / sleep / rest: Very obviously, the Moon can represent the moon itself, evenings, nights, and even times of the year in which the nights are long and dark (autumn, winter). But obvious as they are, these meanings might not all that often apply to actual readings. Fortunately they are easy enough to expand. For aside from working night shifts, certain celebrations, or sexual activities, the evenings are usually the time of day when things start to slow down for us humans, and nights are when humans most usually sleep. Thus, I often interpret the Moon as quiet, rest (or respite), and sleep. Along this line, the card can for example simply state that we are tired, in need of rest. But it could also suggest that we need to have a look at our sleeping hygiene because low quality sleep is actually aggravating a problem we have. Darkness / subconscious / intuition: Of course, the moon is often up in the sky during daytime, too. But because the day sky is so bright the Moon's gentle light doesn't stand out. Only at night, when the sky is black, only in contrast with the darkness around it, does the white moon become such a conspicuous feature. Then, its gentle shine becomes a pronounced source of light. Especially when the Moon is full its light is strong enough to make our surroundings half-visible. By the moon's light we can make a good guess at what is there. But the details remain obscure. All this is why I see the Moon as a representative not just for darkness - literally and figuratively speaking - but also for anything which we are not fully aware of (yet) but maybe have an inkling of, or forebodings. The Moon can represent anything which is (partly) obscure, especially our subconscious, unconscious processes, and our intuition. Psyche / emotions / fears and needs: Continuing from the last paragraph, the Moon may also stand for anything which has to do with our psyche, with our emotional life in general. It represents all that which we we feel. But because of the aforementioned association of the Moon with night and darkness, the card will often represent emotions with a "dark" component - our fears, and needs, for example, or sadness, melancholy. It can suggest emotionality both in a neutral and in a destructive sense. Depending on the context and surrounding cards, the Moon sometimes suggests emotional upheavals, and, in a rare cases, even emotional trauma. Depth / profoundness / significance: Because it is the darkness, the shadows, which give a painting, or an actual landscape or object - and arguable also our life and personality - depth, I often interpret the Moon as profoundness. Along that line the card can stand for anything which has depth, which is recondite, possibly enigmatic. The Moon can represent a person who is the proverbial still water running deep. And slightly different but very much related to profoundness is the issue of significance. Often, the Moon seems to suggest that a certain matter is very signficant. And sometimes it magnifies a neighbouring card's importance. Other: As I mentioned in the introduction, this last paragraph lists several more meanings of the Moon which I have seen other people use but don't use myself. In brackets, I state the cards I personally allocate them to. Attention (in the sense of focus on something: Anchor; in the sense of attention paid to the querent: Garden or Bouquet), recognition and praise (Bouquet), popularity (Sun), fame (Sun, Garden), imagination (Stars), creativity and art (Sensual Lily, Bouquet), romance (Heart), attraction (Snake, Sensual Lily), attractiveness (Bouquet). 

About the Image: My illustration of the Moon came about in a very trial-and-error kind of way. Fitting the card's meaning I wasn't trying for symbolism which the intellect can decipher. I was searching for an image which would eloquently impart a certain, complex mood. I wanted to convey very, very profound quiet, and deep peace, but infused with the tiniest hint of the possibility of something fearful or sad hidden in the depth. I wanted to convey a mood which speaks of rest and good sleep, but at the same time also of intense emotion. In order to find this mood I had to keep sketching and discarding, sketching again and discarding parts, keeping only small bits which I then rearranged and added to a knew concept - and so on. All the shreds I didn't use in the end could probably make up two whole other Moons. But the image which emerged in the end conveyed exactly the mood I had been looking for. Why, and how, I can't explain for the most part. I can only hope that it's palpable for you, too. Two details I would like to single out, though. Firstly, there are the two stairs leading down from the houses into the water and the one leading up and onto the hill (top left corner of the card, in case you've missed it). I added them just for the fun of it originally but then discovered that they magnified the sense of verticality, spacial (and thus also figurative) depth. Also, they aptly visualised the "totally unconscious" (the stairs enter the dark water) and "half-conscious" (the stair climbs up to where the moon's light is brightest) aspect of the card's meaning. And the second, even more impactful detail I added towards the end are the brightly lit windows of the houses. Originally I had painted the windows dark, unlit. But this made the illustration boring, the darkness bland. There was no living emotion in the image, because the houses didn't look as if everyone was sleeping, they looked as if they were uninhabited. So I added the lights in the windows, and their quivering mirror images, as an experiment. And immediately, those little isles of warmth and light gave the cool darkness of the rest of the illustration its profoundness. They spoke of living, breathing, feeling souls, who were peacefully resting or even sleeping - or trying to keep the darkness at bay.

Moon-Rider Emotionally unsettling news or changes. Profound change. Something or someone who brings fear with them; someone whose neediness is very importuning. Intrusive emotions. An emotional approach. Nightly activities. To act on one's emotions. Overwhelming intuition. Moon-Clover Untroubled by fears or needs. To make light of one's emotions. Advice: don't take this specific fear or need too seriously; don't give it too much importance. A little bit of depth. An opportunity to get in touch with one's emotions. "Nice" feelings only. Stroke of luck which is rather important. A lucky guess. To play with someone's emotions. Pleasant nights. To take the opportunity for a nap; an opportunity to rest. To take the necessity of rest/sleep not seriously enough. Moon-Ship Explorations or changes or departures that leave a deep mark on the psyche. To explore the unconscious. To explore something intuitively, without a conscious plan. Sadness because of a departure. Melancholic good-bye. Fear of the unexplored, fear of the unfamiliar. To explore something in depth. A restful journey. To leave so we can find rest. To meet our fears with courage. Strange emotions. Very profound need for a change of environment. To look into something in depth. Moon-House The influence which how we were raised, or our family now, have on our subconscious or on our prevalent emotional state. Nights at home; to stay in at night; to plan a night; rules regarding night time/sleep time. To find rest at home / in privacy. Something fearful goes on in the family. Familiar intuitions. To be familiar with and comfortable with acting according to intuition. Emotional family; depressed family member; a shadow lies on a home. Moon-Tree Emotional health; that which grounds us emotionally; emotional resilience. Deeply rooted fears or needs or melancholy. Very deep roots. Emotional health; that which grounds us emotionally; emotional resilience. Deeply rooted fears or needs or melancholy. Very deep roots. Instinct. Intuitions concerning our body. Natural intuition. Restful energy. To find rest in nature. A night in nature. Resting would be very healthy. Natural, healthy sleep patterns. Bio-rhythm. Strong but stable emotions. Pragmatic approach to our fears and needs. Physical trauma. Moon-Clouds Emotional confusion. Misunderstanding of emotion; or inability to understand emotions. Autism. Emotional disorder. To fog over our feelings. Someone is in dire need for a therapist! To hide away in order to find rest. Unclear intuition. Very vague inklings. Profound confusion; deep despair. Hidden darkness. Deceptive quiet. Tiredness so strong it clouds the mind. Things are so quiet we're bored. Deadheartedness; listlessness. Moon-Snake To strive for knowledge about the subconscious. To be drawn to the dark, to prefer nighttime. To be motivated by emotions/fears and needs. To follow one's intuition. To be good at directing other people's emotions; manipulation through playing on fears and needs. Profound cravings; deep wisdom. Conflict between our ambition and our need for rest. To seek out deep emotions. Moon-Coffin To put something to rest. To find rest after something has ended / someone has died. A loss casts a shadow on everything. Profound grief; grief which has turned to depression. To be unconsciously aware of something ending. The emotional trauma of being witness to death or sickness. The natural ups and downs one experiences after a loss. End of darkness; no more fears, or: to bury one's needs, to suppress one's fears or one's intuition. Loss of depth. To let go of an emotion. Moon-Bouquet Profound gratitude; very sincere compliments. Emotional visit; emotional compliments. Recognition causes deep emotions. To visit someone who is sad. Someone visits when all we want is to rest. To rest from social situations. Social phobias. A beautiful night. Exaggerated emotionality; to exaggerate a fear/need. Moon-Scythe To stop moaning. Interrupted sleep/rest/quiet. To wake up suddenly in a figurative sense: to become conscious of something suddenly and painfully. Deep hurt; emotional hurt. to reap neediness/fear. To stop being so needy. To take stock of one's emotional state. To make sleep more efficient (e.g. through proper sleep hygiene). Rest is urgently needed, now! To deserve rest. Something rips right down to the core. A rift which goes deep. Moon-Whip Confrontation with our fears/needs/emotions in general. Deep shame; profound remorse. To make someone deeply unhappy by shaming them or criticising them. Unconscious shame(ing). Conflicting needs or fears. Emotional violence. PTSD. Mental illnesses that have their root in abusive situations. Emotional injury; emotionally broken. To shame someone for their feelings. Discussion of fears/needs. Conflict about someone's (emotional) needs. Nightmares. A respite from conflict. Time out to lick our wounds. Moon-Birds Emotions all over the place; unstable emotions. Emotionally upset. Rest/respite from stress or chaos. Worries, or restlessness, disturb our sleep. Noisy, busy, or restless, night. Emotional reaction; intuitive reaction. Worries which are not conscious. Inability to let an emotion go. Profound anxiety; anxiety disorder. Moon-Child Sad child, child with nightmares. A child needs rest. To put a child to sleep. The beginning of a journey into the deepest self. The inner child needs more attention. Childhood traumata. Very little sleep / shallow sleep. The beginning of night; beginning of darkness. Childish emotions; immature emotions. What the inner child needs/fears. To belittle emotions or someone's needs/fears. Emotional vulnerability/suggestibility. Infantile emotions. Initial intuition. Intuition still needs to mature. Moon-Fox To withdraw into oneself. A deep look into who one really is, deep down. A respite from emotionality. One's vital needs. Distrust that goes very deep, and maybe goes back to some kind of trauma. Cautious handling of deep emotions. Deeply rooted suspicion. Self-care in the form of getting enough rest/sleep. When/because emotions are very strong it's important to practise proper self-care. Profound adaptation. To identify with darkness (figuratively speaking). Moon-Bear Strong emotions. Emotions dominate our life. Something or someone who has a dominant influence on the emotional life. Emotional/needy boss, parent, or teacher. Someone who can teach you how to deal with deep emotions, or with intuition. A therapist. To alternate between being too choleric and overly melancholic. To be dominated by a certain fear or need or by sadness in general. Very profound influence (impact). Fluctuating power/strength. Powerful intuition. Possessiveness out of fear/neediness. To try to protect oneself or someone else from the dark sides of life. A dearly needed respite from someone's dominance or a dominant influence. Moon-Stars To trust one's feelings, one's intuition. To find rest in escapism. Too many unfulfilled wishes, or daydreams, lead to melancholy. Daydreams and avoidance of reality. Profound spiritual experience. To find great depth and deep meaning in the emotional life. Emotional meaning. Idealisation of deep feelings. To be tired of hoping. Profound spiritual experience. A very profound illusion/delusion. Dark/sad fantasy. Very significant and meaningful connection. Intuition leads us to where we should be! Moon-Stork Very, very profound longing. A longing for profound experiences, for deep emotions. The slow process of moving into (or, depending on order of the cards, out of) a major depression. Emotional processes, emotional transformations. A transformation has led to more depth. To be a night person by nature. To feel a strong pull towards darkness (metaphorically speaking). Someone's transformation causes sadness. Very significant transition. Recurring sleepiness (during the day?). Recurring trauma. To be only half-aware or completely unconscious of a transformation or of a longing. Instinct (Stork) and intuition (Moon) are in some way relevant to the question. Moon-Dog Someone is extremely dependent in a needy sort of way. Sad or fearful or needy friend, follower, or employee. Emotional friend(ship). Emotional issues with a friend. Emotional support. Rest/a good night's sleep would help! A helper needs rest / a respite from helping. Loyalty to one's intuition - to always follow one's intuition. Tractable emotions. To abandon oneself to one's emotions. Profound worship. Moon-Tower Emotional isolation. Emotional cold. To let nobody in emotionally. To need solitude. The profound experience of solitude. To find rest in solitude. Very deep loneliness. To withdraw from others in order to look at one's own emotions. Lonely nights, to sleep alone; to withdraw for a nap. To exert control over one's emotions. Conflict between the rational and what we want/need unconsciously. To have a clear-headed look at one's needs/fears. Moon-Garden A respite from the public. Public places where we can rest. Fear of the public or of crowds or open spaces. Social phobias. A deep emotion that is very visible or should be owned up to publicly. To openly flaunt deep emotions or needs - to publicly revel in emotions. Mass panic and similar occurrences where the individual's emotion is swallowed by the instinct of the whole crowd. Traumata that concern whole cultures. Moon-Mountain Difficult emotions; something is emotionally challenging. To tackle emotional issues. Inability to connect with deep needs and fears; intuition is blocked. Emotional blockade. Obstacle that lies in the emotional area. Difficulties/problems which go very deep and/or are very relevant. To rest before tackling a challenge. Inability to sleep. Something keeps us from sleeping. Finding time to rest is a challenge. Profound silence. Quietness is weighing on us. To overcome fear. To not give in to someone's neediness. Moon-Crossroad Emotional choice. Emotional ambivalence. To deliberate on one's emotions (e.g. a fear, or need). Manifold fears, manifold needs. To fear making a decision. The emotional impact of having to make a decision. The emotional results of Choosing different options. Half-hearted (half-baked) intuition. A respite from complicated deliberations, or from a decision making process. Moon-Mice Unhealthy emotions; emotional neglect; lack of emotion. Emotions which have a "nagging" quality: doubts, worries, jealousy. Something is nibbling away at our emotional defences. Exhausting emotionality. To secretly harbour negative emotions. Destructive neediness. Sleep deprivation; bad sleep; nightmares. Bad sleep hygiene. "Fear eats away at the soul". Too little rest. Vague suspicion. Someone obscures something. Moon-Heart Soulful lover. To need love/tenderness/compassion. To fear love/tender feelings. Romanticisation of darkness/sadness. Romantic night. To spend a night with a loved one. To comfort someone who is sad. Very profound love that might also be mixed with sadness. Strong tender affections in general. Profound love. Empathy. Love helps us to quieten down. To help a loved one rest. Lover's grief. Moon-Ring Important relationship; significant connection. Shared sadness; shared fear. A very profound, emotionally important relationship. A connection with the unconscious. To react with deep fear when faced with having to commit. A commitment to resting more. To make a connection intuitively. Emotional coherence. The cause for an emotion. Emotional ties - inability to let go of a relationship because the feelings involved are very strong. Predictable emotions. Reliable sleep. Relationship or connection with a dark component (= it brings sadness, fear, makes us more needy etc.). To rest together. Moon-Book Sad facts. Profound truth. Psychology; to learn about the unconscious. Literature with a lot of depth. To study at night time. Knowledge about fears and needs. Hearing the truth results in emotional upheaval; confrontation with reality triggers fears. Rest from studying. To read books to rest. Reading before sleeping. A conflict between intellect and emotion. In-depth studies. Moon-Letter Emotional conversation. A fear of expressing something. Need to talk. To express what we feel. Expressions of fear or sadness. Communication with our subconscious. Unconscious signals; to communicate intuitively. Conversations with a lot of depth. Obscure information. To let other's know we are tired. Nightly conversations. Dreams are telling us something. Lull in conversation. A respite from a conversation. Moon-Man (a) Man who has a lot of depth. Man who is: quiet, restful, resting, tired, sleepy, sleeping, dark (literally and figuratively speaking), obscure, half-aware, unconscious (of something), full of foreboding, intuitive, emotional, soulful, fearful, needy, sad, melancholic, emotionally upset, traumatised. A man at night/in the evening. Man of great significant for the querent or for answering the querent's question. A lot of feelings (not necessarily romantic!) for a man. Traumatised by a man. To spend a night with a man. To rest in the company of a man. Moon-Woman (a) Woman who has a lot of depth. Woman who is: quiet, restful, resting, tired, sleepy, sleeping, dark (literally and figuratively speaking), obscure, half-aware, unconscious (of something), full of foreboding, intuitive, emotional, soulful, fearful, needy, sad, melancholic, emotionally upset, traumatised. A woman at night/in the evening. Woman of great significant for the querent or for answering the querent's question. A lot of feelings (not necessarily romantic!) for a woman. Traumatised by a woman. To spend a night with a woman. To rest in the company of a woman. Moon-Man (b) Man who has a lot of depth. Man who is: quiet, restful, resting, tired, sleepy, sleeping, dark (literally and figuratively speaking), obscure, half-aware, unconscious (of something), full of foreboding, intuitive, emotional, soulful, fearful, needy, sad, melancholic, emotionally upset, traumatised. A man at night/in the evening. Man of great significant for the querent or for answering the querent's question. A lot of feelings (not necessarily romantic!) for a man. Traumatised by a man. To spend a night with a man. To rest in the company of a man. Moon-Woman (b) Woman who has a lot of depth. Woman who is: quiet, restful, resting, tired, sleepy, sleeping, dark (literally and figuratively speaking), obscure, half-aware, unconscious (of something), full of foreboding, intuitive, emotional, soulful, fearful, needy, sad, melancholic, emotionally upset, traumatised. A woman at night/in the evening. Woman of great significant for the querent or for answering the querent's question. A lot of feelings (not necessarily romantic!) for a woman. Traumatised by a woman. To spend a night with a woman. To rest in the company of a woman. Moon-(Sensual)Lily Very profound sexual or sensual experiences (which touch very deeply, or, negatively, trigger something). Deeply meaningful artwork; to express profound feelings creatively; art therapy. Intense emotions. Mature emotions; mature handling of difficult emotions. Harmonious, peaceful nights. Deep, restful sleep. Too much rest - laziness. To sleep too much. Extreme intensity. Highest quality. Moon-(Virtuous)Lily Profound virtuousness. To deal with one's deepest needs and fears in a wise way. Or: To try and counter one's deeper needs and fears with self-discipline and renunciation instead of allowing them to be sated/eased. Virtue/purity is very important now. Even if you don't believe it of yourself, deep down you're a good person! A peaceful night, undisturbed sleep. Good sleep hygiene. Virtues which are relevant when dealing with strong emotions: e.g. compassion or equanimity. Moon-Sun Conflict between just wanting to be happy and having to confront something fearful. "They are like night and day!" Profound happiness. Shallow emotions. Warm, happy emotions. To spend day and night with something/someone. Happy dreams. Obvious emotions; to broadcast one's emotions very strongly. Happiness comes and goes. Obvious depth. To rest for a day. To sleep during the day. To stay awake a night. Awareness of one's emotions. Moon-Moon*)   Emotions we are not processing consciously. Emotional trauma. Very emotional. Profound fear/need/sadness. Important intuition; significant forebodings. Deep sleep. To rest in the evening, sleep at night. A respite from something fearful. Moon-Key Access to something that was hidden in the subconscious. Something which was not conscious comes into our awareness. An understanding of emotions, especially fears, needs, and sadness. To let others come close emotionally. An expert for the psyche. Finding something out has confronted us with something profound. An emotional discovery. A feeling of relief. Profound relief. Complete surrender/abandon. Moon-Fish Too many emotions; too emotional. To value emotions/intuition/depth. Someone or something means a whole lot to us emotionally. To profit from something emotionally. To gain depth. An emotional reaction to gainings (financial or otherwise). Fears and needs regarding our financial or job situation. To have fears concerning making a living. A respite from work. A night job. Quiet job. To profit from other people's fears, neediness, or sadness. Moon-Anchor A focus on emotions in general or on specific emotions. Fear and/or sadness have become normality. A terrible fear that things won't change. The deep need for someone or something one can hold on to. To stabilise one's emotions. Stable emotional life; boring emotional life. Mundane feelings. Sleeping routine, sleeping habits. Very profound sense of stability, or emotionally highly significant foothold. To take a break in order to rest. Boring night life. Moon-Cross Emotional suffering; emotional strain. Something weighs on our emotional wellbeing. Suffering which is very profound, goes down very deep. Painful needs. Fear of pain. The fear that something bad might happen. Acute feeling of responsibility; profound sense of duty. A respite from carrying a burden/responsibilities/suffering. Ideological/dogmatic views on emotions. To not tolerate emotionality. Needs feel like a burden. To bear dark emotions with dignity. Quiet suffering.

#moon #annak

[rilenerocks]

Every time I travel by car, by train or by air, I always feel like I’m in a time capsule. I’ve always thought about how strange it is to go into a mobilized enclosed space, stay there for varying periods of time and then emerge, still yourself, into a completely different place. Maybe it’s more of a space capsule than a time capsule. I can’t quite decide. Hours definitely tick away while you’re packed in your container. Little change happens inside, especially if you’re responsible for getting yourself where you’re going which is what car travel is like, particularly when you go alone. There are few distractions, no chores or tasks other than the driving itself.

Revery usually occurs in my head when I’m driving between the place where I came from until I arrive at the place where I’m going. Sometimes though, it’s stranger than revery. Despite the speed of travel and the need to focus on the road, I turn on music for a little company. Generally it’s my own music, pre-selected playlists with my favorite artists, sometimes accompanied by AI additions chosen based on my musical taste.

Things get both comfy and evocative inside my rolling container. And there are numerous moments when I feel like I’m not really in my current self, but back in other spaces that the music has released from the storage space of my memory. Last week I took a seven hour drive to visit a dear friend whose time with me goes back 50 years. As I rumbled along, thinking about all we knew about each other and how much of our seminal adult life we’d shared, I didn’t feel like I was doing the rote steering and braking and reading signs, following directions. I felt almost out of my body, back in the vivid memories which are so much a part of how my brain works. I don’t just think my memories. I see them, smell them and touch them. The sensory experience feels alive to me. I talked about this with my friend when I arrived at her home. She told me that she experienced memories in a more one-dimensional way and that one of the things that she thought most about what made me unique to her was that my pain, my joy and my memory were so powerful. And she said she was interested in the fact that I could transcend the emotion of them and use my intellect to override some of the more emotional aspects of those experiences. I appreciated her insight. The truth is that during my long drive to see her, I caught myself feeling that I’d been hallucinating events from long ago, in a good way as opposed to a scary way. I know something about hallucinations.

Back in my youthful days of drug experimentation, I approached the supposed cosmic experiences that people claimed they had with hallucinogens from a skeptical point of view. All around me, people were talking about how if you tried this drug or that drug, you would raise your consciousness or alter it, possibly forever. I never really believed that. Although I wasn’t as knowledgeable about the human body back then as I am today, I figured that whatever happened was just some chemical reaction and that you were who were no matter what drugs you did. Of course there were people who developed habits that were toxic and life-altering. Life damaging is perhaps a better description. Some made it back from those dark places and others didn’t. Other people had few if any side effects from what they ingested. I always believed that a real change in your consciousness was a deliberate intellectual process and I approached drug experimentation in that way.

The first time I decided to try LSD or more commonly, acid, I was armed with a yellow legal pad and a pen as I intended to record everything I was experiencing, using my mind to transcend the drug. I still have the sheet of paper I wrote that first time. It started out pretty clearly but it was obvious that staying focused was going to be tough considering the physiological effects happening in my brain and body. The one line I remember the most from that long night was that all that was happening to me was an exaggerated reality. Nothing was otherworldly. Everything was based on real life. I was, however, quite taken with the hallucinations that came along with tripping.

In my case, sizes and textures were visibly altered and I loved watching things move around in unusual ways. I guess it felt most like Alice going down the rabbit hole.

I remember watching my blue jeans swirl around in a paisley-like wiggly way and being enamored of the patterns. I could barely contain my laughter as I tried buying something, all the while watching my dollar grow and grow until it looked a giant bag. When I listened to music I was convinced I was hearing every instrument individually and simultaneously. For the most part, I had a lot of fun when I did those trips but they took a long time to do and a long time to recover from. And nothing really was any different when they were over. I was still just me. So that was a short-lived period in time.

But my memory hallucinations are a whole other matter. As I drove along, I was suddenly back in the kitchen in Michael’s apartment in 1971. By that time he and I had become the best of friends and although we were each involved with other people, we spent a lot of time together. We were standing side by side at the kitchen sink, washing and drying dishes and laughing at some story or other. He who so much taller than me, bent down on my right side to give me an affectionate kiss on my cheek. But I’d suddenly turned my head so his mouth landed on the corner of mine. And trite as though it may sound, I literally felt electricity course through my body. It was stunning because until that instant, I hadn’t given a moment’s thought to him as anyone other than a friend. I’m surprised I didn’t fall over.

That was an altering moment in my life. And as I zoomed along to Iowa, I was in that memory, from its start to its finish, feeling the same powerful surge in body that I felt then. So what’s up with that? Is it a flashback? Where’s the science behind it? I think there must be some but I have no idea what it might be, as I’ve tried as hard as I can to think how that could happen. And it wasn’t the only incident like that which happened during that car ride. The Beatles’ Sergeant Pepper album came on and I was standing in our family apartment at 2019 East 81st Street in Chicago.

I was waiting for Danny, the boy who I had a mad crush on, who told me he was bringing me a present. The year was 1967 and I’d turned 16 in May. The album was released a week later and I remember my joy, both at having it and having it come from him. I was feeling the quick hug he gave and literally staring down at the album jacket in my hands.

All the while I’m barreling down I-80, Iowa-bound. I had a lot of other moments like these on this journey. I’ve talked with my son-in-law who’s a chemistry professor about what may make someone like me have these odd moments that feel so alive in real time even though they’re long gone.

He talked about the evidence that now supports the idea of wavelengths being real and verifiable. He suggests that we still lack the technology that might answer questions like mine about memory, and others such as why people view certain events as examples of ESP. Maybe there just too much we don’t understand about how the brain works. All I know is that my mind is open to some of the off the beaten path experiences I feel. For example, I think I must emit some pheromone that helps induce sleeping in people. When someone rests against me for awhile, invariably that person will pass out. I come in very handy for crying, irritable babies. My kids nicknamed me “novocaine” for making their little ones numb out from their discomforts and just fall into deep sleep. It works on adults too.

I like my hallucinations. The good news is that they never are reflective of negative memories. I remember those more in black and white and in a cerebral way. Maybe that’s my brain’s way of protecting me. Otherwise, life could be too overwhelming. I don’t expect I’ll live long enough to ever have the answers I long for. But as the song goes, what a long, strange trip it’s been.

Hallucinations from a Time Capsule Every time I travel by car, by train or by air, I always feel like I’m in a time capsule.

[kyberled]

hc + light saber form/combat style

Send me  “HC”  + a word and I’ll write a headcanon about it. || ALWAYS ACCEPTING

God bless you and your crops, Zach, because I have a lot of things to say about this.

To start off with, Braig is capable of using one saber, but he vastly prefers his two, for Jar’Kai. When he was a little tot, he and the other initiates trained with one training saber, so that’s what his initial instruction was in; and, I imagine, he’s been made to learn to fight with just one, in case of injury or loss of weapon. But, his main style is absolutely Jar’Kai. He feels significantly more comfortable with a pair, and it reflects in his movements and fighting style. Since we’ve seen Obidad dual-wielding a few times, most notably in the fight with Vos against Bane, it’s 100% possible that Obi taught Braiggo how to use two, and that’s the canon for this blog. Now, if I remember right, Obi originally practised Form III, but, following Qui’s death, added some Form V into his personal style to develop a bit more of a defence. So, that would mean that the core/base foundation of Braig’s fighting style would likely be a similar mix, only adapted for Jar’Kai. (It’s also worth noting that Braig is Obi’s padawan after Anakin gets knighted, so I imagine Obidad’s got his mixed style well-established, by then.) 

A while ago - I think a few months - Liz told me that her Mace considered Braig an eligible candidate for learning Vapaad, and would teach him, if Obi-Wan said it was okay (and since Dad has a very hard time saying no to his kiddo, I can’t imagine him veto’ing this, but I’d have to run it by Rodi for hard-and-fast confirmation) [Update: Rodi says ‘Obi is of the mind that Braig choosing to learn from other Masters can only make him that much more well informed and learned. He supports it 100%.’]. According to Liz, Mace would start teaching Braig Vapaad when Braig was about twelve or thirteen (incidentally, about the same time Braig was padawan’d), which means when Braig left the basic training initiates get, he got some pretty mixed education irt: his saber training. But, he wouldn’t have it any other way. When Mace offered to teach this bean, Braig would have been literally vibrating - he was so excited, but also trying to appear like a ‘proper’ Jedi who was worthy of the offer, so he’d literally be minutely shaking because he’s so excited and hyped up and also honoured? I mean, for one, Mace is offering, of his own free will, to train Braig, and having this be so soon after the emotional disaster that was Braig’s attempts to find a master, feeling that- wanted, for lack of a better word, was a pretty big deal for him. On top of that, he’s learning a form from the person who created it. That’s gotta be a huge honour. Not to mention, People Who Know Vapaad is a pretty exclusive club to be in. You could probably count them all on one hand, and still have fingers left over. I know in the Jedi Path, Anakin complains about how Mace won’t teach him Vapaad, and Ahsoka adds that, quote, ‘Nobody learns Vapaad’. So, the fact that Mace chose him, chose Braig– I’m serious when I say, if Braig hadn’t been taught to keep his emotions in check, and wasn’t worried about Mace changing his mind, Braig probably would’ve started crying. Like, the kid was just completely overwhelmed. But, yes; Braig does, in fact, know Vapaad, in the blog’s ‘main canon’ (as in, it applies to 99% of threads, but, if I were to write with another Mace who didn’t share this headcanon, then Braig’d only know Forms III and V in any real, extensive detail). He would spend the bulk of his Vapaad training (or, at least, the early days) learning Vapaad with one saber, as the form was originally made, and then working on adapting it to work with two lightsabers both on his own time and with Mace’s guidance, and then, once Braig was more comfortable with the form’s movements and applications and all, I imagine lessons would be a mix of training with one and two sabers. 

But, that ramble is just there to let you know that Braig’s fighting style would be pretty weird. A nice mix between Soresu (Form III), Shien / Djem So (Form V), and, of course, Vapaad (Form VII). Which shows through most while he’s fighting depends on the day, the situation, who he was working with most recently, and so on and so forth (Though I will also note, that since Vapaad requires a lot of mental focus and Force-use, he’s less likely to employ it if he’s tired or worn-down, especially when he’s younger). When he trains, he usually takes the time (when he can) to practise sets specific to each individual form, and then when he’s doing more free-flow exercises, or just sparring with his friends, he lets himself slide back into his little blend/adapting style, where all three blend together. (I would also like to say that he is quite glad that he practised the individual forms after Order 66, and especially after he takes on an apprentice/apprentices of his own. Being able to switch his fighting style up makes him harder to find when he doesn’t want to be, sure, the came as changing up any MO would, but it’s more than that. He considers the forms, Vapaad especially, an important part of the history of the Jedi, and he’s glad to be able to preserve it and pass it on - though he, like Mace, would be very selective with who would get to learn Vapaad).

As a final note, it’s important for me to add that Braig’s sabers are made to be joined together at one end, making them into a saber-staff (If I remember right, we see a similar mechanism in Asaaj Ventress’ lightsabers, but I could be wrong). The Book of Sith claims that saber-staves are a Sith-exclusive weapon, but Vos writes that he knows at least one Jedi (can’t remember the name) who has a staff, and we know Krell has two - though Braig is loathe to be compared to him for any reason. So, I’m taking all of this to mean that it’s uncommon for a Jedi to use a saber-staff, but it’s not entirely unheard of. So Braig probably had to scrounge around for a saber-staff instructor. It’s not something he uses as often as he does his dual sabers separately, but he is proficient enough to use it in combat. Now, the thing is, you can’t use a saber-staff the way you would use a regular staff. You just can’t. (Also, minor pet peeve, it’s not a ‘bo staff’. ‘Bo’ means ‘staff’. ‘Bo staff’ = ‘staff staff’. Just. Don’t. On behalf of the entire dojo.) But this realisation came to me when I was swinging a guandao around with Sifu Sam and my younger brother. Why the idea of lightsabers and staves came to me during practise with a guandao, which is neither a sword, nor a staff (though it is staff-like), I’ll never know, but it did. See, the thing is, in our kobudo at least, there are a number of forms, including the bo-lengthening exercise and a number of kata, where your hands slide to the bottom-third of the bo, rather than the middle, where your hands would normally be. The bottom third of a saber-staff is the blade. … I don’t need to tell you why that’s a problem. There are also moves where the ends of the staff are braced against your bicep, or come very close to your neck/head/shoulder when you set up for some strikes. I can imagine that’s somewhat disconcerting when the ends of the staff are made of superheated Force-powered plasma. Similarly, in our style of kung fu, when you use a spear, you typically hold it by the bottom-third too; you do the same with a guandao for a few moves (though a bit less frequently), and there are parts where you kick up the ends, or you use your elbow to push the handles into some parts, and basically what I’m saying is if you used a saber-staff like you would a normal polearm you’d probably get sliced up. The weighting would be so weird, too - from my understanding, it’d be focused in the middle, with the metal handles, and the blades might not weigh anything at all? @Lucasfilm give me lightsaber physics please. Aside from that, on the end of this OOC tangent, I’d add that I write Braig’s footwork/movements as mostly what we’ve seen in The Clone Wars, since there’s no way I’d be able to learn how to move like a Jedi (esp. in regards to Vapaad, which, to me, seems to have some of the most distinct movements of any form we see thus far), but there are notes of the martial arts I do in there, too. Namely the kung fu, since that fits him best, in my opinion. But this is long enough, and I could rant about that for long enough to put myself to sleep. 

#crdered #this probably got inchoerent cause it's 3 am #but #i tried #&& give the sun a head start; ooc #&& as best i can; answers #&& temple archives; headcanons

[illuminatingfear]

cw: adhd med talk

adventures in adderall -- if you have med stories pls msg me because i don’t have a lot of people to ask questions to

QUICK BACKGROUND FOR CONTEXT: i’m less than 50 days from graduation and currently in the middle of my last term at uni. due to Many Goddamn Things That Have Disrupted My Life Significantly, I’ve been mentally unable to pull myself together to go to class for the past few weeks. Therefore... I’m behind in several weeks of work. Note: I have been going to about half of my meetings and all of my ensembles (I teach one, so I definitely go to that one and do well, but it’s a lot of energy of course). I’ve been forcing myself to eat 2 - 3 times a day more regularly, too. 

(For those interested, the Things that have been disruptive include: family death, family drama, family hospitalization (all three are separate from each other), roommate-sanity breakdown + unsafe situation, recital and all the scheduling nightmares that come with it, having to cut out three friends in this entire span for all various disruptive/destructive reasons. social stuff hits me very hard.) OK BACK TO MED TALK: so, i started a few weeks ago and have been titrating up. i’m having my fingers crossed because even though this medication is the oldest of the bunch, it’s also the cheapest...

i stayed a week on the 15mg -- the first day (like I posted I think) was awful, even though it was sublingual; it was like the first day i took adderall and i felt awful and brain foggy and like i was Too Stoned™ (this is how i’ve been describing most of the bad feelings on this so far). stayed on it some more days sublingually and it got ‘better’ but not ‘good,’ like before. skipped a few days because I was pretty sure a few weeks is long-enough, and started having some withdrawal... of even MORE brain fog in addition to body-anxiety... aka, the feeling of being Too High™ on a strong sativa (aka not fun at all). 

I’ve noticed that it’s been giving me weird side-effects besides the prominent brain fog: 

-SUPER increased appetite: i haven’t had an appetite since depression started about 4 years ago, so waking up being voraciously hungry is a huge change, and annoying, because then I have to eat

-inability to sleep: i have 1.5 sleep disorders (one being circadian rhythm sleep disorder, the other being probably a deeper issue that results in 12 - 20hr deep-sleep cycles) already, and i know that adderall can help “fix sleep disorders.” what it’s done for me is... even after the XR wears off and i go to sleep hours later, I can’t fall asleep. when I do, it’s either the same amount of Too Long™ or it’s a few hours. Either way, I’m not someone who can handle Not Enough Sleep - hypersensitivity to sounds and increased anxiety ruin a day super fast otherwise. 

So, I’ve been off the 15mg for about three-four days (one of those days was just sleeping, so) and first felt the Too High™-still-can’t-focus-due-to-worse-brain-fog on the first day. Then I noticed it just got worse and worse... my forgetfulness and short-term memory got worse than before I wasn’t taking it at all, if only slightly. Then, today, on day 3/4, I noticed I would space out again for long periods of time, like before the adderall. I noticed I became irrationally angry at dumb things, and I am not an angry person! My anger would be fueled by my own inability to focus (lol vicious cycle) and how much time I was wasting by trying.

So... I went up to 20mg today. I figured that 3-4 days was enough for it to be out of my system mostly, after a month of solidly taking a low dose. This is my first day on 20mg, and I took it sublingually. I am no longer having stupid anger and just got an assignment done.  One of my biggest ADHD/ADD symptoms is this mental block when it comes to having to get something big done. It’s happened all my life, and it comes with deep-seated panic and avoidance that I don’t equate with procrastination. Right now, since I have So Much To Catch Up On, it’s been very easy for me to get overwhelmed by this monolith of You’Re Fucking Yourself Over Reminders (aka overdue work) that’s staring at me in the face. The anger came from that, because holy hell, nothing has ever worked in helping me get past it. Adderall has helped a little with it, at least in the motivation-sense, at least as far as letting me tunnel-vision focus on one thing. 

Dunno what to do long term... I’m currently able to tunnel-vision focus, which is good, but also blocks other thinking and enhances my forgetfulness (esp in middle-of-sentence-remembering-words-or-trains-of-thought). 

can anyone weigh in on adhd med experiences??

#adhd meds #adderall

[izanyas]

Lol it’s okay, sometimes I think I expect too much too when I make posts and so then I get really lonely, but then I think sometimes you just have to remember that people are also pretty shy themselves and get scared to talk to authors. Or at least I was lmao. AND YES, SOME REQUIRED EFFORT IS SO GREAT SFIUJNSF I LOVED IT SO MUCH. I can honestly ramble about it, but it’s been so long since I’ve read it, so sadly I can’t talk to you as much as I really want to about it OTL

And gosh, yeah, that advice of writing what you want to read is actually really good advice. Because in the end, if you also kinda keep trying to write what other people like it’s not going end well and overall, I think most readers can tell when an author is really into their story on not or maybe I’m just being stupid ahaha~ Gosh, I’m so glad that you stopped giving a shit about style and stuff because in the end, for me personally at least, good plot and

characterization and such more is always something I’ll read rather than just a story with just great grammar and connotation if it doesn’t go anywhere. But I feel like I’m being rude when I say that, but honestly, I have to admit that sometimes the best fanfics are the ones that you know, ah, I dunno how to say it, but at last for the fandoms that I have been in, the ones that always stick with me in my mind and have me re-read over and over again are the ones that always deliver really good

stories and plots and rich characterization growth despite the obvious misspellings all over the place. (jfc I just realized it might have been better off for me if I just submitted this shit instead because god, I've sent a couple asks sidfujkbndf why am I like this lmao OTL)

i don’t think it’s rude, everyone has their preferences. i know people who only ever read those one-shots with no plot that are just analysis of the characters and that’s fine but i always need en engaging story & relationship development myself to really like a fic... it’s not meant as offense to authors who write those it’s just that i can’t get hooked on this type of story myself

but yeah i think writing what you really wanna read is the best approach to fanfiction because

1) you’re never gonna be 100% satisfied with another person’s take on this one prompt that you’ve had in mind2) gives you an idea of how hard it is to actually follow an idea and giving it life in a way you would enjoy3) makes you appreciate the effort that other authors (esp authors of long chaptered fics) put into their own ideas, making you more likely to comment on them lmao

as far as “the perfect style” is concerned... i’m going in with a disadvantage since my english is limited so i’ve really shifted my focus away from vocabulary and “pretty words” and started thinking a lot more about pacing, accessibility, and physicality. i’ve talked about this before but little things like making your story easy to read (no strings of long paragraphs, pacing dialogue with action, mixing the lengths of your sentences to make them more dynamic & give your readers breaks, giving yourself a limit of 8 lines per paragraph max, etc) do a lot to achieve that.

i get really overwhelmed when reading on a screen if everything is walls and walls of text, it’s mentally straining and not enjoyable at all no matter how good the style is—i often end up skipping to the next dialogue, which makes me feel like shit because i know the author put a lot of effort in writing those paragraphs. but reading them demands the kind of focus that i just don’t have. so i’m always really trying to make my own fics accessible to people with general reading issues or stuff like adhd/autism/dyslexia/etc. 

not to say that i’m good at it or whatever but it’s definitely one of the things i keep in mind while writing (alongside the characterization i’m trying to write for x character) and absolutely the #1 thing i think about when editing my drafts.

it’s also why i think dynamic writing style >> pretty prose. especially when dealing with younger characters, if you write their stream of consciousness in the style of a 40yo british author it just feels so awkward? it breaks my suspension of disbelief for sure.

#answered #pls don't apologize i loved waking up to these messages #anon

[cantskank]

fuck this is long...tldr i’ve been lame but getting better

the last post is brought to you by me getting into the magnus archives for some positive ace rep

then having the absolute and overwhelming focus of the fandom be focused on that character’s romantic relationship

then the people who ignore or gloss over the fact that jon is ace or make him have sex anyway to make martin happy????  which just like fucks me up a bit

(esp bc exact quote, “jon...doesn’t” really disputes the idea that he would have sex with martin)

(also much more minor but it bugs me to see people in the fandom refer to jon and martin together as gay.  jon is biro ace, i think gay is not particularly accurate.  and gayness is excellent!  don’t get me wrong.  but that’s just not accurate to what jon is.  and it would not at all bother me if there were equal amounts of “aww look at them they’re so asexual together!”  and that description probably feels weird and wrong.  but it’s just as correct as saying “they’re so gay and cute!” or whatever i keep seeing people say about it!  it is just as accurate to call their relationship ace as it is to call it gay!  and not wanting to acknowledge or even consider that is really telling in what it reveals about how non-aces feel about asexuality.  it just builds to a picture of ‘we want our own representation and we will discard or ignore the ‘uglier’ bits of one of the ship character’s identity because asexuality is foreign to me/irrelevant/unnatural/weird/something i don’t fully understand and am afraid to/uninteresting.’  and i very much want to sympathize with the former (again, the whole reason i got into the magnus archives) and very much want to kill the latter with fire. this is also relevant to me in that about a year ago, i started thinking a lot about how as an aro ace, being told i had straight passing privilege, and the fact that i am not out (but would not lie and call myself straight) and just generally allow people to assume whatever they want about me when it comes to my orientation, whether that’s gay, straight, bi, ace, whatever, (and also having had mostly straight friends for the couple of years before that when it had very much been the opposite prior to that (and that does make a difference, to me at least),)  had resulted in me very much creating this narrative of being ‘effectively straight.’  not at all in the sense that ‘yes i’m basically straight and i feel mostly straight’ but in that i felt like ace-ness and aro-ness, if i wasn’t going to be out about it (which i’m not but which i may end up changing down the line), was not something i was allowed to consider as separate and distinct and special and important about myself?  because society would not like to think about aros/aces.  what society wants is to send the message that “not having sex is not important.  not having sex is not normal and makes you a loser.  not feeling romantic attraction is shameful and unnatural.  not feeling romantic attraction is something that makes you a monster.  do not talk about your disinterest in these things, it is at once completely unimportant/irrelevant and for our comfort and to allow you to conform socially you should not talk about it AND it is disgusting and freakish and makes you broken.”  so.  it is somehow unimportant AND deeply disturbing at the same time.  anyway, for me this resulted in feeling that my aro ace-ness was unremarkable and i should not consider it something exceptional about me, and i should just settle into viewing myself as close to the default.  and maybe you would think i am part of the default, as a first impression, and that’s fine.  but i realized i didn’t want to think of myself that way.  even if people will insist it is this way, asexual =/= straight.  i get to, and i want to, think of asexuality as its own distinct thing, and it does not have to fit into the paradigm of gay vs straight because it cannot fit into that paradigm.  i had refused to give myself the space to think of it as special because no one was telling me it was special.  and not being out definitely had a huge effect on this.  but it is just factually untrue to view myself as unremarkable for being asexual and as ‘effectively straight’ because it’s wrong!  it’s just wrong!  and if i am firmly of the belief that i am not straight, i must be equally firmly of the belief that i am not gay.  there is no judgment involved in either of those statements, but i must respect myself and my identity enough to firmly believe it is its own identity, and worthy of being considered that way, and not merely framed in which ways it relates the false dichotomy of gay and straight.  meaning, i cannot frame my asexuality as “not quite gay but not quite straight” but as its own entity: i have my own distinct orientation and it is aromantic asexual and i do not experience attraction.  full-stop.”  which may seem basic (and may seem like a very minute difference) but it was an important step for me in my identity.  i don’t think i’m quite explaining it right.  i will say: whether they realize it consciously or not, i think a lot of people think of sexuality by how much you deviate from the norm.  the norm is straight.  the most extreme not-norm (by, again, the false dichotomy that has been set up) is gay.  how different you are from the norm will probably determine how important your sexuality is to you because non-normative sexualities are oppressed and the fight to be allowed to feel you are worthy of respect means your sexuality feels and is highly personal.  and, this would be a measure of how gay you are.  before my perspective shift, i felt very little about my sexuality (other than mostly dread at dying alone.  which i still feel!).  therefore, i was not very different from the norm, and my sexuality was not worthy of consideration.  it was not allowed to be very important to me, especially if i was not going to be very out.  BUT!  this is not a good perspective!  again, false! dichotomy!  there is no reason to view yourself on a sliding scale of gay and straight!  i am Neither!  and it is for this reason that i feel very strongly that gay is not the right way to describe jon!  it can be, and if it feels right to him then that is a fine and excellent way to identify!  but his identity is asexual and, by necessity, he is not gay.  just as he is not straight.  which is okay and allowed.  and by many people choosing exclusively to refer to jon and martin as gay, while extremely understandable, feels like a failure to understand the above.  allo identities do not hold precedence over aspec identities because aspec identities are worthy of their own consideration, not just as something “missing” and inherently lower priority to allo identities.  and calling the relationship gay exclusively, feels like they kind of believe that.  and any reluctance to call their relationship ace (which i think MOST people would find very strange and weird and uncomfortable) is a lack of education and understanding on what asexuality looks like, the kinds of relationships asexuals have.  asexuals are not some remote, gross thing that cannot be understood and must be ignored, we are people and we are here.  if you haven’t noticed, our entire online presence is BUILT around education and visibility.  these are things you can find out and understand very quickly.  and hopefully people will not view asexuality as something weird and shameful and something that should just be ignored. holy shit that was a long aside.)

and the post was precipitated by seeing fanart of a very romantically intimate moment and not being at all interested in that for myself.  i really want to be close to someone (/some people which is too much to hope for) but just so emphatically not in that way.  just...a lot of clarity in what i want?  because i am sometimes so miserable for being aro specifically that i wonder if my identifying this way is wrong and unhealthy, whether it’s worse to consider myself aro and causing more problems than it’s solving.  sometimes i wonder if i was too quick to dismiss romance and all my self-discovery and self-reliance has been for nothing?  maybe being miserable about amatonormativity has just been because i’m alloro but just miserable and self-hating and trying to ruin the fun for everyone and the problem is not that romance has been artificially elevated but just that i have deep-seated issues with romance?

anyway it was more of a relief than anything to have my aro-ness confirmed by my gut reaction.  um, i still think i need to let go of some of my bitterness about amatonormativity, only because it’s not serving me to be my happiest self (not because it’s not bullshit), but it’s not because i’m unconsciously not aro. 

here’s what i think i want for myself:

like i said above, letting go of some of my anger at romance and at amatonormativity in general.  there’s definitely a place for that in me, but people talking about romance should not make me miserable like it’s starting to do.  in a lot of ways this comes from me being jealous and bitter about not having this supposedly wonderful, normal, natural experience, and not being confident in it being okay- great, even!- to be aro and not experience that.  i want to become more neutral about romance, since it is equally okay to not experience that.  my existence and validity is not threatened by other people having romantic relationships.  it’s okay for that to be an important thing for them, and (/because) it’s equally okay for it NOT to be important to me.

sorta referenced in my point above, but i want to rely less on other people to make me valid.  it doesn’t matter how anyone else feels, i am the way i am.  i want to be much more confident in that for myself.  i can’t progress and build a better relationship with myself if i don’t trust my own experience and emotions over what other people would tell me is true about myself (or how the rest of the world works). 

i know this is kinda what got me feeling not great in the first place, but i want to find more ace/aro rep for myself.  potentially this could make things worse (in the way i mentioned above; relying on that representation to really speak to my experience and finding that it does not, and that fandom in particular is very caught up the romance- and just generally allo- side of things).  but i am hoping/relying on the possibility that increasing ace/aro rep will give me way more options and a higher chance that i will have my own experience reflected.  i want to start listening to the penumbra podcast, since i’ve heard there are at least two aspec characters, one of whom is even aro ace! side note, thinking about it a bit: the first ace rep i had was a few months ago, when i watched bojack horseman and saw todd’s story.  i think i was a bit spoiled in that rep.  todd’s story was really focused on his own self-discovery.  he was alloro and wanted a relationship, but in my mind he didn’t care so much about getting that.  even when he was in a relationship, he still got to be cool and have his own adventures.  having a romantic relationship was secondary to his story and, you got the sense, secondary to him as a person.  and, his asexuality was very important to him once he realized he was ace.  he was very open about it to people, not ashamed, and he did have a journey with his sexuality that the audience was brought along.  that is everything i want in an ace character!!!  then i got into the magnus archives, expecting to have a similar experience.  instead, we find out jon is ace because we as the audience hear him being outed without his knowledge between his friends, based on information from his ex (again, presumably without his knowledge).  and word of god says "although whether that’s how the archivist himself would actively identify, who knows?”  also a very different take on ace rep than bojack horseman.  and i love jon and martin as a couple, but i have just been really overwhelmed with how much of that is the focus of the fandom (plus my normal/main fandom is hockey and that can be VERY platonic.  i can make it as platonic as it gets).  those are two different ways of being asexual, and they are both valid!  they probably each ring true for many.  from my perspective i prefer the bojack approach because i feel more affirmed by todd’s rep than by jon’s, but that doesn’t make todd more accurate representation.  i guess the moral of the story is, not all ace rep is the same, and don’t get invested in seeing yourself (or the kind of rep you want) in every ace story.  and my solution is to broaden my ace rep rather than only have a few and ultimately not be happy with it.  (also i want to be very clear that the importance of ace rep is something that is built up entirely in my mind.  jonny said they always considered jon to be asexual from s1, way before he was revealed to be in the show.  they were not going for ace rep, they just felt asexuality fit his character best.  it is me (and others like me probably) who came to this story knowing this and placing expectations and stakes onto this character as The One Who Represents Us.  i relate waaaay more to martin (as we all do i’m sure) but because my other options are so! very! limited! when it comes to asexuality i put all my emotions and expectations and self-worth on how this one character could represent my entire experience.  which has nothing to do with the creators of the show, who are just telling the story they want to tell.  so they can’t give “bad ace rep” because there are so many ace stories to tell and it’s not their fault or their problem that options are so limited that we end up building up any character that is ace into the one who represents all ace experiences.  my fault, not theirs, is what i’m saying.)

probably obvious after my word-vomit but cut back on actively seeking out magnus archives fandom/content!!!!  it does not make me feel better about myself.  romantic relationships do NOT make you more worthy.

just generally being more positive and affirming about being aro ace (and being aro in particular!)  it is excellent and there are so many good things about being this way!  i would like to focus on those more for myself :)

holy shit i wrote a lot.  i had a lot of feelings that i wanted to get out.

#i almost want to legit tag this #(with like aro/ace tags) #because i wrote a lot in here about being aspec that i'm really proud of and i think should get more consideration! #but this whole post is a mess and that's not why i wrote it #i did not write it to be consumed by other people :P #i think what i will probably do is take the parts that i think are good points and put them together into a post on my main blog. #also this was basically motivated by tma and idk how much i want to call that out. #like i'm not looking to start discourse in a fandom (which i most definitely will not do anyways) #but i think it's important if you're a fan of a certain piece of media that has certain identities represented #that you respect and have a lot of consideration for that? and that you don't generally choose to ignore our of disdain/ignorance for that #identity #idk apparently there are exclus who are fans of tma? and it's just like...how? #you know the main character who you presumably like is exactly the sort of person you would sneer at right? #even an exclu with the mildest feelings on asexuality (of the 'idc just you are only queer if you're otherwise lgbt also get out of my face' #variety) must feel some discomfort in their views given the fact that they appreciate jon as a person #how do you like and respect jon but still look down on aces????? i don't get it #and the people who ignore jon's ace identity give me similar vibes to that #like jon being ace is an unpleasant truth that they can just ignore their way out of #since deep down they don't respect us and don't find asexuality worthy of consideration #what they want out of this character is his ability to be in a gay relationship #which okay #i have a lot of thoughts and feelings about how feeling nothing when it comes to romance and sex makes me feel like a non-person a lot of th #e time #which makes me feel like just a tool to use a lot of the time #which i might write about later #'oh you need someone to comfort you? i've got no one else in my life and i crave human contact i will drop everything and comfort you' #'oh you need someone to run an errand for you? i am so desperate to keep people in my life because i know most people will not stay in it fo #r me that i will run the errand for you and tell you i don't mind and it's fine and i will really really try hard because i have not yet int #ernalized the fact that being useful to people will not make them want me around any more' #'oh someone might need to take care of mom and dad when they're older? i won't have a family so it will probably be me'